1

If youre sacrificing Sleep, Life, Relationships, Memories, it best be for something worth it.

HxB
The Anthology. Enormous potency. Running through your blood. Toxicology reports. Raw emotion. Thoughts and Feelings. Substance abuse. Mixing Passion with Pain. Old flames in the shadow of failure. Success flirting with the current. Beautiful and expressive. Vixens lying down in the road. Add time to the journey. Black swan theory. Snowball Effect. Unintended consequences. Relevance paradox. Nonlinear narrative. Distorted interpretation. Solitary confinement Communication. Fantasy Is Reality Prison of secrets. Distortion. Heat haze. Motion Blur. Magnus Opus.

His Mothers Knees.

Mum told me theres truth in every fairytale. So Im just trying to make believe. From difficulties to the stars. Got that inked on my sleeve. Sincerity on my wrist I hope they get the gist. Dreams and reality. She said they say can co-exist. Planting them seeds, Im praying theyll grow Shoulder to shoulder, toe to toe. A beautiful mind. Im feeling like Russell Crowe. Its funny what words can do. If I happened to mention That these lines were for you Would you read them any different. Or ask how many women were in the queue. You aint got to stand and wait. You could just stage a coup To be fair i wouldnt have it any other way. Please do me one favour. Dont get lost in the maze. Theyre hoping that you go. Im wishing youll stay. In a few years well be talking about these days. They said hes going through some shit. But i still do it So i guess it wasnt a phase. Im not trying to impress. Im not trying to game. Im not hype on my name. I aint trying to amaze. This shit dont always pay. But maybe writing this, will get me the praise. Party in your bedroom. I just want to celebrate. Drink till every things distorted. What a blind date. Pass the lighter, lets fumigate. I cant walk straight. Pardon me let me rephrase. This all just a Blur & Haze.

Room 871.
My mind is a dangerous placei dont usually entertain visitors. Welcome to the other side. First excuse me, for how many times Ive thought about it. Im not saying thats what Im after But i probably would not pass up the chance. And you probably want the same thing. Self control might go missing. And so do all your bargaining chips. Mind games Vs physical rewards. Oh what a leverage You could have it all Is the recompense worth the risk Or you want to sound out this investment? Im running out of fingers trying to count all the pros. Same fingers that will push those buttons. Things just dont happen Theyre made to happen And i know youve never been to that place. But Ill take you.. I want to set you free. Wait You know this is as lucid as it gets? Yeah? Let me carry on Man made earthquakes. Look at this tsunami. That tidal wave. Ill get my surf on. Tell me when the volcano erupts. Now whats that youre thinking about? Exploring my thoughts got you wanting it all? You can have it. Its there. Make that sacrifice. And if youre scared.. No worries. The haze and blur Yeah that haze and that blur Get over it, then get on it. Dont be fooled by the so called eloquence. No ones running, anything. This is just show and tell. Just envision. 6

And that thing youre worried about. Yeah that comes too. All you got to do is take it on the chin. And thats the only thing i want to see make its way there. I expect that to be swallowed as well as your pride. And i want these hurdles all on the floor where they belong. I aint in no rush to get to the finish line. But Im tired of jumping. Lets deal with the craving. Whoa. wait I thought i was going to get new thoughts. Im edging on delirious, tours over. The gift shop is that way

Visualize.
Theres this girl and you really fucking feel her, you wont tell her though that shit is effeminate. You leave her hints and clues, hansel and Gretel. She doesnt follow them. You take a chance, testing the waters. She dont feel the ripples. Beseeching, unrequited, inconceivable. From a picture you can dream. From words you hear a voice. You said youd leave it alone but you just reneged. Everything stops when she hits you back. Every crazy thought ends with her on her back. Adjectives on her neck, verbs on her lips, punctuation on that torso, grammar ends on her thighs. These linguistics point to one thing. Shell read these words and doubt its her. You want to speak out of turn. Fuck it, youll never say it. No supplements or pharmaceuticals. This is all on you! Words youre not saying. Thoughts youre over thinking. You cant say it so you write it the best way that you can. Tired of envisaging, so you try to make it happen. Past the speech, reached the pinnacle. Were here nowSo wheres the fanfare? Nothing So you do what you know best. Youll keep play it cool and embrace that cold burncold, cold burn.

Prescription.
I got so many in front of me. I dont know which one im going to do 7

Mixed ones, white ones, dark ones, big ones, small ones. All shapes and sizes. Every colour you could imagine. Im going to take them all. Excessive and dangerous, i give zero fucks. If you see me looking wasted, know i had a good night. One of those hit the spot. Everyday Im spoilt for choice. I need more to feel more. Sober lows, elevated highs. Side effects got me bugging. Mixing and superfluous now its redundant. Not the same Im looking for something new, something different. I could have any other I could make my own cocktail. Im tired of the combinations. I need that super drug. That one drug. My dealer knows this.but they keep dealing me wrong. Looking elsewhere out of my comfort zone. But i need that dosage, they got that dosage. Im fucking prominent, first dibs. Intense hit. Behaviour checked out at the door. Hot, sticky situationswaking up in cold sweats. Breathing difficulties, lungs coping with it thoe Aches and pains, sore joints, a night to remember. Distorted voices, vivid memories that never took place, pleasurable perception. Im seeing things that Ive never seen but i cant wait to see again because the things i saw were too true. Hallucinations my subconscious is projecting. No other drug has ever made me feel this real. Now Im overdosing, losing control, letting go Every other night is now every moment i get. Losing one reality for another. Shit Im delirious, I know that i didnt take it, but i want to. Physically and mentally dependent.. If i stop dosing, i dont know what will happen. The worst thing is, i think she knows Ohhh

Delirium's headlock.
Jazz hands. Spirit fingers Shaking the invisible mans hand. Fuck it, i simply i got the shakes. When was the last hit? Fuck its too soon, got wait a bitspread em out. 8

I keep looking out, looking out. Where the fuck is my delivery. Anxious, irritable, volatile. Just walked into a trance. My last hit. Eyes darting as i relive it. Convulsions, clouded thoughts. Rapid heart rate, Sweaty palms. Dry mouth, heavy eyelids. Restless, insomnia. Eyes fixed on one spot, stare for so long, everything goes out of focus. Rub my eyes, bring it back Head in my hands. Hands rubbing my head. Head buried in my hands Fuck. Uncoordinated blended day dreams. What a trip. I should cut down, its a bit much. What if i overdose? Take a chance. Non of this other shit will do. Whys it tempting me, I want no part. It wont hurt if i sample.. Just to settle the crave, not too much just a taste. Wait. One New Message? They replied? Thank fuck for that.

Freitag.
The girl with the future I cant see, enters my life. On the same day, my foresight fail me for the first time. Arghhhh I saw but i wasnt looking. She never lost sight. Her curiosity, my satisfaction. I gave her a riddle, she couldnt answer. Now were both trying to work this out. What i said id do in 10 days, done in 10 hours. The mountain seems bigger the longer you leave it. It dont matter because were almost at the peak As harmonious as can be. Cant see how this will end. Non of this shit makes sense. Make things worse is i dont even care. I lost my thoughts but she found mine. Non stop, feel like Im going to explode. My musing is only interrupted by notifications Shhh, i got a new message, Silence falls. She said she cant wait till shes on all fours. 9

The fire shines so bright but i cant feel no heat. Now Ive seen ittheres no way i cant have it. I want to reach out and embrace. She knows my thoughts, I know her plans. I know what time she finishes work. She knows whats behind the words. Thank God for this fucking inspiration. I can write without dosing. Thank her mother this fucking body. Because this is all starting to take shape. Im writing while shes blurring. Ill teach her to start hazing. As long as she dont start inhaling Ohhhhhhhh. Blood rush. I got a blue cup, A red cup. I let her pick hers first Distorted, partial vision. Now hows this gonna go down. I mean we know whos gonna go down. But where is this gonna go down. She said this shit wont be easy. Those barriers got broken down. Now shes saying how she wants me. No need for talking. Word for word. Shes told me what shes about Her planning is flawless From the location to taste Attention to detail. Every single sound. This is coming straight off my lap. My fingers worked that G-mail. GPS that G..spa.. No phone calls, no text messages This cant be just sex. Me Vs Her. Genius Vs Conscious. Brain Vs Heart Venus Vs Mars Intellect has never been sexier. Trouble has never been so appealing. I know youre a good girl at heart. Im just a bad influence on you. Pandoras box. All these red lights flashing Slow replies for the vultures They want a dedication. But youve already earned it. You dont care, they aint a concern. 10

Ties cut, cut ties. How did you make me do that. I dont get it , Dont want to. Im an enthusiast. I just want someone who shares my vision. And thoughts are intense as mine. Dreams dont work unless you do So you got some heels? Time is ripe. Just tell me where the spot is. Leave me a key at reception. And when i get there. My drink on ice. Do not disturb sign. Lights dimmed. Burner on the beside. Long legs on the bed. Favourite colour lingerie. Ahh yeah.

What a gamble.
Im indecisive so Ill have it all. The way i feel today i probably wont feel tomorrow. So forgive me if i dont tell you if were on the same page. My attention span will wither if we stay on stages for too long. A momentary lapse in concentration could lead to wires being crossed, we aint trying to get tangled in that web. A lonely journey to the top. I dont want to do it alone. Yeah, I got my niggas there but it aint the same. Outside looking in. Inside looking out. Both sides, Ive seen them. So now i know right from wrong. I hope Im not off by more than a little. Mums in my ear again Like get everything in place before someone takes it. Ive laid down with too many. Knowing theyre a risk. Looking at others, asking myself so many questions. Im too young to be looking at a prospective girlfriend & thinking Could i really see my self spending the rest of my life right? The way Im talking to some of these women. Im not short of insurance. The things we do for a little security. A lot of these promiscuous women are mentally unstable. Or maybe Im promiscuous with the mentally unstable. So many are ruthless and calculating. I cant stand non of that shit. 11

So i drop them out and pick new ones. Im seeing too many of peoples merging their lives together. Tired of seeing pictures of their combination taking their first breath. Fear will have me Panic buying And waking up to a woman i dont need. So Im reaching out to you. Im showing you how it is Im wondering if youll feel the same. If you dontjust let me know. I dont want anything awkward. If you try double deal mid way though, it wont end well. I can write it off, only desirous for so long. It may not be the same but it will still get me where i need to go. Distinguished nigga dealing with first-rate babes, Thank Garrrd for the foresight. Its funny what words can do. I dont belong to anybody and if you think you can do better, free up that spot on the roster. Checkmate? Your move.

A thought Un!
I still hear themtheir voice rings out, memories projecting off everything i look at, unsaid words resonating well around the room, what was the future is now filled with blank spaces and empty shelves, where did it all go wrong, everything is a mirror for the good moments and no vice can subdue the wrong, the worst blend, mind is a minefield got to think carefully. Absence is one inharmonious feeling.

Vehement.
It never gets old. It starts with a solitary question Curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought that bitch back. That question leads to more questions. They sense mystery and an unknown aura. The mission begins. It becomes their task to unravel the conundrum. What makes it tick, what drives, whats the secret. Digging up dirt leads to them digging their own grave. The more they expect to find the less they actually come out with. The gold rush all over again. They hope you will be as open as them. They loosen up believing you will take heed. Notice, you take, action, you dont. Perhaps, they believe the whole enigma is an act. They become more determined. Their behaviour becomes a cause for concern. The crave becomes stronger. Its all so tedious, a revolving door. 12

Its not what if, its what now. They dont understand the pull, the hold, the attraction. Its frustrating for them, monotonous for you. They want 100% but its hard for you doing this day in and out. The attention span just isnt there, youve heard this a million times. Its not riveting for you as it is for them. For once, cant it be something different? Theyll never believe, they think you get it how they imagine. All you want laid out for you, when, how, where and who you want That may or may not be the case but what difference does it make. The time and effort theyve invested in trying to break you down. They think what they bring is different. They think being the complete opposite of their presumption. The ball never really leaves their court. It starts and ends with them. As it draws to its peak. Them trying to get into your head. Understand you, Crack you, Catch you. They await a return.. For all their volunteering. They actually want and expect to be rewarded.

Lady In Red.
Sorry, Im erm late Im not one always to party. But all work and no play.. ..Well we all know how that goes. How many drinks. I lost count at about 12. E and Speed. Few crazy homies on the couch. Injecting then flopping back Im sticking to cubans. My eye on a bad bitch. Got enough but i aint looking to take this one home. Waltz over and ask to go someone where more private. Rock bands playing their heart out. Lock the bathroom behind us. Roll up that dress,. Lift up and dump her on the sink. No kissing because she dont belong to me. Shes real enough to accept that. I know the drummer and lead guitarist will receive an encore. Shes anybody, so i fuck her like i hate her. Semi Automatic. waste a trigger pin. No make up, natural. So its not doggy all the way. No need to prompt, shes already ground floor. Wooo. 13

Hand behind her head. Scientia potentia est. 20 minutes ago i didnt know her. Now shes got a nation in her stomach. That could of been a future president or hall of famer Shes like No worries, they chilling with the rockstars now. A card and a bag of white powder. You want some? Nah baby, Id rather write them. Chris De Burgh, never told a lie. La Dama de Ayer. I hope i never see again. Didnt take her number because it was perfect. Why should i ruin it? Doing something stupid like asking her name. But i then again, I need to know it. Whats your name? Karma, my name is Karma.

On the Rocks.
My finger slipped, Fuck. I didnt mean to pick up. Hun, this is out of blue? Babe, Ive been trying every night! Now shes asking where i been. If Ive been avoiding her. And where this is going. Im fading in, Fading out. Now shes telling me how great we could be. How she loves the sound of my voice. I aint spoke in 15 minutes. Truth be told. I hardly pillow talk anymore. Dont have anything to say. Thank God, she cant see past the end of her nose. Because I aint really tuned in. So I only hear a little. Colour schemes Silk sheets Egyptian Cotton How the oldest will go Eton and the rest will follow suit. Shake my glass. Now shes asking me if Im drunk. I tell her No and to proceed. Shes saying she wants to have my son I just cant wait for it to come up. 14

Monotonous tone. She says its good talk. What she means is.. its good to eat my time. Now she asking if I'm busy tomorrow. Baby, I dont know. Maybe i could come see you. RSVP, Regrets only. But Ill try, I'll let you know. She be getting mad. Asking what babe i got slotted in. Im trying to tell her i been busy. Shes like, then fit me in. Couple sips, ice cubes rattle. Ohh, you getting faded? Its just a nightcap. Tell that hoe i said hi. What hoe? The hoe in my place. Baby, lets calm down with all of that shit. Dont take me for your side-chick. Whats your problem? You, nigga. Can you be easy? No, nigga. End the call. Ring backs. Let them ring out. Text messages. Wont check, probably disses. Silent or off. I dont even care. I just want sleep. Me and cup full of ice cubes.

News Of The World.

Im not a Pop-star or politician. So someone explain all this infamy. Motherfuckers talking like Red-tops. Bitches i never fucked testifying. People that i dont know Claiming that they knew me. Motion to strike. Who are these Character Witnesses? I object, I object to it all. Dragging my name though the dirt. If i try clean it, I end up in debt. So Im walking careful. Theres no sex tape or hacked phone. 15

So where they hearing or seeing. Fuck Freddy Kruger. Ill walk through his nightmares. Never let that nigga toy with me? Waking up on sunday thinking.. What the fuck is this? Who the do the fuck i call? Just ignore it. Let it blow over. Drown ones sorrows. Unfamiliar niggas. and vindictive bitches. Sore thumb in a room full of fingers. Im sorry to disturb you. Its just me & the demons drink. No 4 page exclusive, no whistle-blower. I dont care about much. So you can die slow if it bothers you. I cant apologize if i dont smile. Both forces of habit. Poor people have so much to say. Why wasnt i born haute bourgeoisie. Work asking me for 10,000 words. I offer them 2 and a finger. Gardening leave, Hide a multitude of sins. Trying to make something out of dealing with shit all day. Im still trying to weed out all the fuck boys. People asking me why i dont want to make films anymore. Have you ever tried deal with an executive? People ask why i write all day. I dont want to its just the financial imperative! Me and the boojie bitches avoiding sunlight. I know they can sell me out. Im still going to drink and hit. Whats a story worth when youve sold your soul. When she talks shell forget to say. Every dirty thing i bought into. When she walks shell forget to take. Every dirty snap she asked me to save. Every time she leaves. Only time i get sleep Ring, Ring, guess what? Remember all talk? Thats all people seem to do. No, sensationalism. Yeah, I remember. Well Wait Is it good news? Yeah, you was right 16

Stop, I dont want to know, cant tell me what i already knew. This life could never leave me like O.J.

Cobb's totem.
So Simon you cant tell me how you feel? Im your future girlfriend after all, so whats the deal. Did some bitch go and break your heart? Tell me, Im here i want to help you heal. The way you go on sometimes its so unreal. Drop those others out, Im ideal. Im everything you could ever want I dont know how you got me like this. Its not bad as i first feared. Most of the time im just grinning from ear to ear. When your sleeping, i just kiss you and stroke your beard. You didnt drop out after the pregnancy scare. That miscarriage was down to prayer. You didnt run, men like you are rare. I love you for that, at least you showed you care. Even if i wasnt with you Im sure Id have an affair. I dont know what it is about you, you just make me crazy. I never want to leave this place makes me feel so lazy. You still aint told me how you feel. No, i dont knows or maybes. Is this all because i mentioned having your babies. Im so gassed up on being your lady. I love you it when you call me miss. But i fucking lose it when i see you say it to someone else. When i see you entertaining other bitches. I just want to kill them. Warn them them, that your taken. Im seeing them laughing when it should be me. Im jealous, i just want to be your queen. I dont want to make a scene. Just a friend, yeah dont lie to me. You think i dont see how she fills those jeans. If she even tries to give you head. Ill knock hers off clean. Oh going to have an outburst now mr sheen? So what you aint going to talk to me? What you expect, that bitch was a threat You're the most mature 21 one year Ive ever met. Im here so why you upset? Your pissed off, Im pissed off. All this arguing has got me wet. You aint going to fuck me? Thats cool, I just got my hair done. I aint feeling to sweat. You didnt even notice that i got done 17

Im not asking you to act stunned. Just, Hey baby, you look nice You cant even manage that. Smoking again? take it easy. It looked cool at first but now you looking like a fucking cat. Your lungs must be dark fuck. Get up and do something. Sitting there like your fucking stuck. Just drinking and writing. One of these days youre going to run out of luck. And when you going to give up on that stupid dream? Go and get a real job, Your almost grown. Acting like king with your straw throne. What you mean shut the fuck up, I hardly moan You think i aint going to say nothing and act like your clones. I dont know why i wasted my time coming here. I would of called you and said this all but you're mr never use his phone. What time are the trains, I just want to go home. One more thing nigga you was just a stepping a stone. I faked it every time you heard me groan. Youre nothing special, i could do much better. So what you got a bit talent and youre well known. I could still get you set up for a score note. I know real cop killers no Raul moat. You know how many niggas want to cut your throat Im surprised i never realised. Your just piece of shit should of seen the flies. Your just a dead beat who lies behinds all his lies. A Schizophrenic bitch boy in disguise. Difference between John Nash and you is a Nobel prize. I cant believe i wanted to trap you. You heard right. I want to have your baby so youd be forced to sleep with me every night. I wanted to bareback you so bad, maybe you saw the light. I even tried to sell you a dream that i was super tight. I wish my ex man was as bright. The bait was there but he was always going to bite. Desperate measures take a person to new heights. Thats how badly how much i wanted you. And i aint even saying this out of spite. I just want to disappear into the night I want to turn and face you. Maybe then you might understand. The abortion wasnt really part the plan. But i thought youd probably want proof. and maybe the sympathy would guilt trip you into being my man. I dont know if these are tears or just the rain. Oh my luck a delay on my train To be honest i only got myself to blame. I got so obsessed with trying to be your main. 18

Maybe i thought youd pick because i was different. I was never good enough for you just another plain Jane. Woo Im a genius and shes insane All i got caught up with talks of Paris and champagne. Now its all pain, heartbreak and cocaine. So before i go i just want to be honest. You was the first boy i ever gave brain. Im cool with your alter ego, I just wanted to be your Lois Lane. I really hope you win that Oscar or BAFTA or whatever it is. And you dont come across another female like me, God forbid. You deserve a good woman and many kids. Im really mean but listen my trains here now. Dont worry the impact wont kill me, love already did.

Vestibule.
Always thinking there is a reason behind it. Basking in the warmth, taking care not be burnt by it All these ifs and maybes, when youre really cool with it. Aint saying theres no risk involved but theres no time to think about it. Confusion and second guessing, Its all part of it. Acting out of character, strange thoughts, all comes with it. Trying to work me out, if i dont understand not sure how youll handle it. Wait, i know youre scared youll give it up and Ill just up & leave with it. If i say then ill do, i can put everything i love on it. Word is bond, Ill take take really good care with it. You think your vision is complicated but Im seeing it. Eye contact, press ground floor and now sit on it. Past the hardest part now you got to go up and come back down on it. Highs and lows of a different kind, put your back in it. Best out your peers, What does victory taste like, you best savour it. You got my talent in your hands, now work with it. I know its crazy, never thought Id say it. If my ego tries to overshadow you just tame it. You used to read about it now you just live it. If we both start overdosing then so be it. I dont regret so anything i do so Ill deal with it. If its too much, put your best foot forward, run from it. Do good to remember if you come back looking for it. Nothing youll say or do will relight it. Ill be long gone, fires out, please dont miss it. Please, dont, miss, it.

Regicide.
Aint inhaled once, havent touched a drop. Intelligible. See it all. Exigent circumstances. 19

Reality just hit me. I have not burned in so long Im starting to believe it hurts to think straight. Maybe if i stuck with the girl who loved me. All these bitches trying to fuck with me. Im not trying to lose it. Ive worked way too hard. Now Im caught up with a bitch. Who is trying to ruin me. If i turn for a moment. Theyll pounce. So much in front of me. Whos watching my back. Ray Charles, born again. I dont need no doctor. All the womanising, drink and drugs. Swap Jamie Foxx for Will Smith. I want to be Cassius Clay. I read once that he said.. Superman dont need no seat belt. Its crazy because Christopher Reeves fell off a horse. I just dont want to lose these feelings in accident. And not be able to walk up those steps. I see the motives. The blatant agenda. Too caught up in the rush. I just didnt want to see. Its ironic because The same who women ring me saying I just called to say i love you Are the same ones Im turning a blind eye to. Im just a part time lover to the wrong sort. Thinking about my cherie amour. Sitting here listening to Motown. Feeling like Jimmy Early. Downfall due to the dream girls. When Im down and out. Theyll just fly. If they cant take it all. Theyll just take it all. Everyones a suspect. I can see my killer. I just cant make them out.

Sigmund Freud.
Can we talk? I got something i want to say. Yeah man, Im always here to listenshoot away. I got this pressure, I couldnt begin to try explain how much it weighs, I said Id do it and i always 20

do what i say, Loyalty tattooed on my skin, so i just cant walk away, Love is blind, Im just a walking cliche, rip my heart from my brain, go on tear away, no more life, dedicated spending nights writings you essays and i aint with you feels like forever and a day, Im caught up and i aint ashamed, to say that it because now my skies are hardly grey, through my words im just trying to convey these feelings them seemed to have gone astray, if there was any other way id probably do it but this is the only way i can display, After the night shift the lonely bed i lay, without you to.. Have you thought this through this seems a bit sudden, do you realise whats at stake? Course I have, Id cross desserts, climb mountains, swim through seas, rivers and lakes, whatever it takes, I wish i could slow down but these emotions never came with brakes, the more she gives the more i take, when every ones asleep Im awake, leaking all my thoughts, the more i say the more opaque, i become, hoping that you yearn the touches and aches, I need a break but i cant, paranoid about all these fucking snakes and wannabes that i seem to rake, in i wish i could be simpler. You kidding me? this isnt like you, it seems like one big joke Thats probably what i am, Its like every-time i smoke, my troubles disappear, clouded by my dreams hoping that ill choke, last night i had a nightmare that i lost it all ended up alone and broke, then i woke, looked around me and asked my self if i was still dreaming but i wish i could revoke every memory and just be another bloke, living to die and just blends with all the normal folk, I cant even bath anymore because Id probably drown myself trying to soak, while i shower agonizing over every touch, every stroke, haunted by words i never spoke, this must end. Lack of sleep maybe, you mentioned nightmares, when was the last time you slept? Or maybe im out of my depth, Ive come as far as i can perhaps i need to accept that this it, Im finished my minds telling me not another step should be stepped except my feet are still moving, prepped with everything i believe in except some self respect, i seem to neglect every warning sign that this could go so wrong, fuck em theyre just trying to misdirect, I got this helmet on only trying to protect the important things chasing what Ive come to accept as perfect, fuck it bareback screaming law of effect, now Im waiting. You need a break, you seem to be overworking yourself, Youre drained. Yeah I am, of everything i ever had and not a fucking stain to show for the pain, Ive put myself through, night after night writing, multiple sprains, what Id do for some Novocaine, addicted to the fast lane, Im trying to do more than live and maintain, I dont even like champagne, and i prefer getting my dick sucked but shell say Im selfish, like not fucking her makes me inhumane, she said that we wear wedding rings on our left finger because the vein leads directly to the heart, how am i meant to believe that when i feel chained and contained in this small pond surrounded by bigger fish who have a free reign over me, I just want to get in a plane and fly way, and leave this all behind. If you havent told them how you feel and sacrifices youre making, now is the time. Actions speak louder than words, look at the mountain Ive fucking climbed, I dont know what i done wrong, why am i being punished just tell me the crime, seems like im just serving time for fun because ive been here for 5 years & the clock still aint chimed, Im going to burn out before i reach my prime, Its a sad case but im done, Im gone. Dont be hasty, this is all rushed, reconsider, unpack. 21

I cant, Slaving in the kitchen, I gave up my life but im living of snacks, i need something real now, Living hand to mouth this life i cant hack anymore, fuck you, i should smash this fucking mac and i hope everything on it gets lost, I aint talking smack, i really mean this when did i last get a pat on the back or a well done, fuck you Art, I bent over backwards for you now, snap, you can take all the love back, I pray its too much for you and die of a fucking heart attack. Whoa

A thought Deux!
Banking your happiness on someone else is not always wise, stocks can crash, safes can be broken, humans make errors. Keep some at home, share it about or you could just take the risk and invest big. I dont know, Im still trying to work out the fine print.

Viewfinder.
Imagine this. Youre on the verge.the verge of something. Something great, something beautiful, something majestic. Nobody really understands you because it only make sense in your head. You cant really express yourself because you dont have the means to. But the idea is there.planted deeply in your head. The roots go deep, the tree has grownjust waiting for that fruit. And when it comes youre going to harvest like never before. And when thats done, you start to cultivate again. You got to be consistent or youll be forgotten. But thats then and were talking about now. Its a way out, a key to a brand new everything. A few speed bumps a long the way. Dont worry about the bringer-downers. They will make a song and dance out of anything. You will lose face here and there. Dont worry about those charlatans. Cheap laughs, cost dearly. You will come up against some lost souls. Just remember, wounded dogs should not bark let alone bite. Some will talk like they know it all. Always keep in mind which side of the glass ceiling youre on. Dont get corrupted, being obsequious is not you. Trying to find error and fault in everyone, You dont live for that. Besides, you got enough of yours, why do you need theirs? Stay true to you and everything you stand for. Faith is everything. Because every time you do something, some one will condemn the hell out of it. Its good to remind yourself that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think. When you harvest the fruits of your labor. 22

Remember who helped, who didnt, who showed their hand and who kept theirs in their pocket. So many people wont be 100 with you, hoping to catch an apple or two. Keep an eye on them, stay focused and keep your eyes on the prize. You, will, feast and you and you people will live well.

Victoria's Soliloquy.
Fuck. All I can think about is you. Is your voice. The way your eyes will widen when you see something you like in me. All I can think about is when will you get bored. When will I get bored, will we ever get bored? All I can think about is your words. Who are they for, what are they for, have I read this before? All I can think about is being comfortable with you. Will we fit together. Forget all that astrology stuff; will my hand fit in yours; will my head sit on your chest; will our names match? All I can think about is meeting those who you love, those people who make you smile, make you laugh, shape you, make you who you are. Do I do any of those. All I can think about is will I recover. Will that tear heal or will it scar me deep. All I can think about is that first touch, those first words: hi, hello stupid introductions, but dont we already know each other? All I can think about is how youll say my name. What it sounds like to say yours aloud. All I can think about is if I slip up. Go too far. Push you over the edge. All I can think about is that house, detached in the suburbs. 15 minutes from the school, 20 minutes into the city, that big spacious garden. Youll set up that swing set, Ill bake you them cakes. That sugar rush.

Ltranger
Another unfamiliar face. This was supposed to be the last time. What it was last night is not what it is in the morning. Another walk down the primrose path. Take away the risk, is to take away the high. Its just a chore now. How did we go from casual to dependent? Words dont even matter any more, it all ends the same. A blur and a haze later, faculties and behaviour..both lost. It wont lastmake the most of it. All that for a bit gratification. Damn the lows are getting lower. Filled them up with that false hope. Just more stress than its worth Suns up, no sleep. Is this a headache or a hangover? Fuck, cant even tell the difference anymore.

PARIS.
Foreign feelings, Familiar settings. Could this be your 2nd home almost your first. Everything tells you this is Deja Vu. 23

But this is obviously jamais vu. Should you really have come here? Yeah, you deserve thisits been so long. Treat yourself..who knows what may come from this. Do you really want to see the same sights as last time? This is a whole new trip, brand new experiences. Looking for those everlasting memories, Picture perfect. Soak it in, Soak it in..how long will these feelings last for. Just a weekend break? Or will you emigrate here. Here for the rest of your life? really? Pros and cons. So much to sacrifice but so much to gain. Do you really have it you? questioning oneself. Sounding like a brave coward. Hop, Skip, Jump. Everything here feels so good, you aint even thought about the past once. Places youve never been before but streets you know like the back of your hand. Strange journeys, well known shortcuts. Why couldnt home be this fun. Damn, messed it all up know. Feeling homesick, this is all backwards. It will probably end in tears This is your home now, this is your future. Besotted by your surroundings. Infatuation or something more To rent or to buy. Learn the language. Merge your lives. Wait, this is all too fast. Time to slow down. You dont even know if she feels the same. Damn. I don't think I'm talking about...Paris...anymore.

Dorian Gray.
Im sitting here looking out. Thinking is this all worth it. The same same perch youre on Is the same perch someone can knock you off.. Remember how you got here. Dont think others wont challenge Do whats right, expected & desired. Competition is healthy. always. Be the best..then throw in consistency and keep learning. I say this all While sitting in my own cage. My life is the fruit of my own doing. I have no one to blame but myself. 24

So, follow my own bliss and my own universe will open doors for me where there were only walls. Joseph Campbell had his finger on it. Asking my self am i too deep. These hedonic thrills. Will they make me abuse it all. Will my craft deteriorate. While i live long. Will my sentiments guide me bad. While i dissipate every positive. I dont want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them. People read too much from my tone of voice This is why my phones are never on. Not really the social type. Rather stay in than try emulate the same shit. Give me a few drinks & some good company. Im growing old. Theyre trying to stay young. My youth encased in my work. Buried alive in a tomb that i built with my own hands. I walked so far I doubt any one will ever find this place If Im entombed in this forest and no one hears my scream. Did i ever really make a sound? So whatever i leave best be worth the search. Remember me from memory. Not the ones i never filled. Love trumps everything. Hoping its strong enough to prevail Im just trying to leave a legacy. God strike me down if i live to see it fade. Blue plaque on the house that i grew up in. Will royalties pay for house Im wishing to live. If i die working for a better life Will I die a better man. Enough for my son to take the reins. You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit. Too busy for marriage. Too honest for a mistress. Fears of settling for a concubine Paramours like moths to a flame. Complimentary compliments.. Got me cocky as the king of spades 25

Rapport isnt cheap Tout se paie.. Renowned for the repartee Time of our lives on the autobahn. Then we switch lanes. Claiming Im cunning linguist Shit i say driving them crazy Thinking shell be my Pillow princess Baby, those are pipe dreams. They start arguing. Telling me Ill do otherwise. Master debaters. Got a phone full ..and they fuck too. Tempers flare.. Shouting like enemies. Kissing like lovers. Biting necks, popping buttons, licking chests. Getting cross faded make their knees touch their ears. Flip it all around.. Then lift them up ..as high as i can. Everything so quiet.. Then hammer her down. That atomic bomb shit. Send her back to space. Then bring back down to earth. Nebulous moments. Reel in our breath. ..then fuck in the shower. Drink till Im paralytic Fuck till theyre too. Fuck you till it hurts Then fuck through the pain In the moment.. didnt cover up. Now they feel trusted. Everything is irrelevant.. Because for this moment right here. Youre prepared to go the whole way. Aphrodite, messing with my brain. Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects. Its a vicious cycle.. New in, new out. One constant.. In world full of variables. 26

This life, chasing what i missed. If worst comes to worst. Forever 27 club Oh, shit when did you lose it? Nigga, i never had it. Now Im just gaining it all. Dealing with a curse. That was all my doing. Carnal desires.. I can never love you. because this will all outlive you. I just want you to feel alive. because soon you wont be. Im going to take.. Take Take. Your life away I know its going to hurt. I promise that if it could be easier. Id do it, but this how it is. Itll seem like a suicide but Ill be the one who killed you. Every time i look into your eyes. I see the life leave. Its too late to save yourself. You're hooked If it wasnt you. Then it would be someone else. Im just another one ..of lifes great mysteries. We can end this today. Just destroy it baby. Just destroy it. Please destroy it. let me die with you.. let us fade out together. all this debauchery Is no good. Im tired of it all. Heat haze and motion blur. Then do it. Make me read it. Make me see it. Make me feel it. I cant stand it Anymore. I just want to be ..the man i was before. An artist should create beautiful things, but should put nothing of his own life into them. We live in 27

an age when men treat art as if it were meant to be a from of autobiography. We have lost the abstract sense of beauty.

Interloper.
As perspicuous as it can be Everything is the same just different company. Im the apple of their eyes got them ignoring the fact that mine are looking real glassy. Theyre a step closer, can they ever unravel it all? Doubt it, theyll never really understand. Way before i had commitment issues now i have issues finding commitment. Those three deadly sins eating them up. That mania driving them forward. The downfall of the previous maybe the downfall of the prospective. Want to warn em to save themselves. That would make no difference, theyre far too gone. Brace yourself for impact. They want it all, theyre in love with it. Taken a back, can i have a minute to digest this? I knew it was coming but the foresight dont prepare you for the consequences. Im cheating myself doing this but along with the flow i go. Smiles and kisses. The next one i fill up, they better be ready for the falltired of comforting. Im tired ,everything getting so ordinary. Im in the city of my dreams but somethings missing. What happened to that mental stimulation? I brought them to my happy place but its not so lively now. Feeling so out of placewhats knocked me out of joint. Let me just enjoy the trip

Monet Suite.
I dont usually endorse these thoughts, but Things needed to be said for things to happen. There could only go two ways I mean theres no such thing as friendship between us. The crave is too strong, The will is too weak. Eagerness? Passion? Inquisitiveness? So tell me how we can be just friends. We could work towards it but hows it going to end? I say this because its how i feel. What if i get the relief. And i never say another word? All these feelings could lead us astray. Its advantagei guess. You got to blend it properly. From a super dose to an overdose. That shit wont be cool. You dont really know me. 28

I dont really know you. You dont really get me. I dont get me, too. I guess we aint that different. I know you got that Backstory. But theres a time and a place. And this isnt it. You thinking what, Im thinking? I wont tell yours If you dont say word to mine. That conscious can only get you so far. I know theyre holding you back. Tell pride i said fuck you. Then go on swallow that ish. Now take everything Im going to give A little bit of hope, A touch of fantasy. Marinated in gratification. Topped with some escapism. What a felicitous life. Ill give you that amour-propre. You can question everything i say. Youre more than welcome to reject it all. But once those lights go off. And youre alone I know what runs through your brain. Losing your mind over line. Getting all worked up over a phrase. Taking a paragraph to heart. A whole piece hits you hard. Take that thought down to your I believe this is called paraphilia. This is as dangerous as it gets. You really ready? Theres no rush. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast, fast is deadly. One step a time So everything gets attention. No way am i letting a rabbit win this race. Under the influence. Before weve even filled those cups. Pour it easy dont spill drop. Lost focus before i lit. Mind the ash. We about to get cross faded. Lets mix it all. Lets get entwined. Outer body experience. See it how i see it. Feel it how i feel it. Mechanical lust. Everything feels so familiar. 29

Already been acquainted. This is lucid dreaming. Slow strokes, a touch too many. Prolongation. We be talking But i cant make out the words. So i guess Im going to have to read your mind. Telepathy and some coercive persuasion. If you think youll regret this. A hangover is the cost of amnesia. That deafening silence. Sur mes lvres. You can look into my eyes for as long as you want. I dont have the answers, i lost that clairvoyance. You just think about where you want to go.. and Ill go, thats telekinesis. Never thought, thoughts could cause all this hysteria. Philosophical foreplay. Verbatim et literatim Both know the question. Trying to work it out. My hardest equation. Can you you work it out Have you you got that solution. Its inside you, i know. I dont feel it coming yet. Oh what a problem. How did this begin, How will it conclude. When it grinds to a halt.. What will you have learnt? What will you do better? Would you change the method? Or would you change the aim. Im came here to do magic. Got a little caught up. Im sure, i lost my way. Im at sixes and sevens. All of this has left me so exposed. Am i gaining more than losing? Victory loves preparation. I dont know if i done enough. Art is never finished, only abandoned. Da Vinci said that. But Im not sure i could side with a man.. Who said he loved to the point of madness. But Van Gogh said. He put his heart and soul in his work and lost his mind in the process. Yeah. I dream my words and i write my dreams. Art? A female? or is the female art? 30

Am i just projecting it all onto a canvas? I dont know anymore. Its all so ambiguous But it all relates. Representative realism These areLust Issues and Im just a sapiosexual.

Knock Knock.
Excuse me Im sorry to intrude but if my watch is right then its my time. We both know that i came here to blow. I came so far but i aint cum, yet. Do me a favour and let me up in there. Open up a little more, let me slide in. Grab this opportunity with both hands. I got a bit talent, Let me show you. See my product, youre gonna lap it up. Everything i produce youll just digest. If you dont like it you can spit it out but if i go elsewhere and they take it down, youll be the fool with it down their face. Perfectionist, attention to detail. Every angle covered. Actions speak louder than words. So Im just gonna fuck you senseless. My name on your lips, let everybody hear it. I want every one to know my name. Hard work pays off. To be honest this is pretty effortless. Right now i only got my foot in door. Am i gonna make it shit, Success..Im at the door, we gonna do this or what?

A thought Trois!
Friends and EnemiesI know the difference, i got some of each. But got people some people in the middleIm sure about them but i dont think theyre about me To those that lean to the left, i know you dont want me to do well and Im okay with that, im not bitter at all. I know you dont really like me and its not fear thats keeping you within touching distance but the what ifs. I guess i should appreciate that fact you see some potential? Perhaps. I must say your facade is brilliant though, Trojan horses do work. Its only a matter of time until the obsequiousness eats you up and you join the rest of that party. To those that lean to the right, I know youre confused, My attitude towards you has you uneasy now youre trying too hard. Youre not sure whether i still got you even though you was never really there when it mattered. Or perhaps you wondered and loosened your tongue. I hear regret is a bitch. I wouldnt know. 31

Now youre asking yourself all sorts of questions, Youre trying to fill the silence Ive left. In all honesty if you aint sure of yourself, then im not sure of youthats the be all and end all. Hopefully, one day you will know where your alliance liesbefore we grow so distant that we can never come together again. If you decide the effort is not worth it, i wont grudge youi doubt the other side will either, the more the merrierand Im sure they could use you. Im not one to force a persons hand. This is to no one specific.just the ones in the grey area. Live long or Die slow. Your choice.

Right to silence.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahthatwasgreat He probably thinks Im a hoe now. It happened for reason, it was meant to be, trust me when i say that. It was too early, i should of made him wait a little. Listen, you know all they say about perfect timing. He wont want me, hes had it once hell expect it again. You never know what the future will bring, dont rule anything out. Its all about sex now, I bet he never really liked me. I dont fuck with girls that i aint really feeling, so you lying here that must mean something. I wonder how many bitches hes fucked in this bed, The bed probably still be warm when he lies with his next. Too many chefs spoil the broth and Ive got a delicate palette. I gave him everything and more on the first time should of made him work for it. I didnt sweat for nothing, so you best understand i just put in a shift. He finished in my mouth, should i go brush or is he the type to turn me around and kiss me, Is he telling his guys i was shit, fuck, hes probably going to diss me, Hes getting up, ahhhh he cant wait for me to leave, he wont even miss me. Your over-thinking babe, Its about 2 hours so Im checking what Ive missed, go to the kitchen and get a drink, then toilet to piss the last bits out and probably have a shower you can join me if you wish. I dont want to do it again but i want to do it again, it felt so good but it will sound so bad if anyone found out. Not sure why youre so worried, your friends will probably do the same. 32

Its easy for him he probably does this all the time. I dont know why youre clock watching, I cold shouldered the rest the weekend is all yours. IwishiwashimArggggggghooooooooooooooooshewillneverunderstand. Shes probably thinking that Im hitting up other women. Nah baby, i just felt uncomfortable at the fact you went straight on your phone. Jealously will consume her, shell be watching my updates like a hawk. Im not even worried about those other girls, Im happy that youre with me. Damn, If she thinks shes just secured a relationship shes lost the plot I just dont you to lose interest and this all to have been in vain. Shes going to change the way she acts, bring on the paranoia. All i need is some clarity if you tell me its just me and only me, Ill be cool. She was talking about kids, what if the condom split. I would never trap you but i think youd make a great dad. One wrong move she could wreck me, if she finds out about the others will she still sex me, if i forget to holla, will she make the first move and ask to check me, if i need space, will she let me, expect me to kiss her every-time she necks me. I wont do anything to mess your life up but promise that youll do the same and i know youre busy so i wont suffocate you, at the same time we got to share the effort because it takes two to tango. Is the potential stress worth something that could end up nothing. I want to to be your everything, i could complete you. She was good but thingy is still better. I want to please you in every way just teach me and Ill do it. The suns almost up, the blur is becoming a hangover..i dont think i can hit again. Thats okay hun, we can lay here and talk and i could lie on your chest and listen your heart beat. Im not looking to be another guy that fucks her over but the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions. Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatheawkwardsilenceaftersex

Daystar.
33

What level? Whos level? Your level? Youre joking right? Im worth much more than that. You cant even afford to say a bad word about me. Actually. Can i get some forgiveness. I dont mean to do what i do. Say what i say. Hand made by God. Gabriel gave me the message. Lucem Ferre. But I wont go bad. You got to invite evil in to your house and i aint opening the door. I wont get lost in it. Its easy to get caught up. But Ill doubt youll ever know. And i aint constantly high. Im just haunted by those lows. I just want to make a little difference. See change while making a lil Appreciate this and everything i do. Perfection kills. So now Im a rightist. Lost my mind. Did i find something better? And when i make it. I pray you never say you miss the old me.

Nocnitsa.
Celebration drinks. Card behind the bar. No budget, no stress. Smiles all round. Eyes meet. Attention acquired Reciprocated. She dont know who you are You dont care who she is Expensive drinks, tall tales, misguided truths. Your brain impresses her But will hers impress you.. Youre looking more than your listening. Shes hanging on your every word thoe Clubs a bit loud. Your place or hers. I doubt your girlfriend will be impressed so hers is a good shout. Give your friends the signal. Hail a cab. Back seat loving. 34

Rear view mirror scoping. Staircase, Sofa, Shower. Finish where you wake. Baby crying in the next room. The streets are alive, single glazed windows. Red lip stick stains on your white shirt. No battery on your phone. Threw those notes at the cab man. Empty wallet. Empty all except for that condom. Whoa. Cant find your garments. This place is a mess. Heavy footsteps on the stairs. Hey baby, that woke her up. You was amazing, she loved it. Want some breakfast, This was not the plan. In the shower, the water hitting your face. This was not how. Baby your food is getting cold, Give me a minute. I left you some spare clothes on the bed, Yeah thanks. I bet this is her baby fathers or some other fucker. Now Im sitting at a table having breakfast in another dudes clothes, with 3 kids and a woman whose name i dont know.

Short Changed.
It all starts with a headache. I know i should rest, but i aint been happy for a while. Its so damn addictive. Depressants and stimulants. And they like you should see a doctor for that. And all he will do is repeat the prescription. Im living for the highs Trying to stay there Pain, what pain? No ones going to stop me from having a great time. You dont look so good, Maybe youve had enough. I know my limits, watch yours. More questions, less answers. Thats a lispIm not slurring my words. Whos that? Come into focus. Lets go somewhere quiet. Shush. No more words. Get a mouthful. It dont feel the same. Are you doing it right? Wait here, something stronger. 35

I dont want a cup or a mixer. Where was we. Slow motion. I just filled her up with false hope. Someones playing with the hue. Stop messing with the saturation. Where did all the colours go. What a trip. I cant remember a thing. I bet she thinks shes the one now. Course ill ring you. Fuck, I dont even remember her name. Mixing highs and lows. The haze and the blur. It all ends with a hangover.

Perfectio.
Not sure who were trying to impress or what picture we try to paint. We want everyone to believe our lives our perfect. That everyday we wake up and bask in the morning sunshine, smiling and looking forward to another great day. That no clouds with hover over you, instead they will avoid you. We say things we dont believe in hope that one day we will. We talk about ideologies that we dont practice thinking that if we say it enough times we will suddenly put it into action. In private we have no discipline and let ourselves go, we trust no one, we gather as much information about others we canjust in case shit does hit the fan. If some one gets outed for taboos we also enjoy we renounce them and denounce the act they committed. Maybe we think that judging the sinner more than the sin will suppress our guilt. We ask questions to what we already know the answer and we make up answers for questions we will never ask. We throw wood and fuel onto friendships we dont need because we love the heatthe heat that will hurt us one day We fear to relight the ashes of old lost friendships so were left with just memories of how great the fire once was. We talk more than we listen.

36

We mount our high horses then ride away to the moral high ground and we talk some more. Were no different to our peers so we all do as much as possible to seem different proving were as normal as the next man or woman. We build and craft wonder castles and palaces of dreams with no door, so instead we stand outside and tell the world how wonderful it is. We let important people walk all over us to get us places but once they can go no more we trip them down and let em tumble. This all is acceptable because we will all soon be rich, rich and famous, we will have perfect partners who are as rich, intelligent and perfect as we arewe will make beautiful children who will be as perfect as we are.a nice nuclear family, we will sit in our mansions and swim in our pools, we will take the Ferrari to selfridges to buy milk and eggs because we can. We will have mortgages so no one can tell us anything about our designers clothes or how to spend our money We are perfectPerfectio In Spiritu.

Flip of a coin.
I have good people in my life, you have good people in your life, we have good people in our lives. Losing good people unbalances the best of people, i mean if you dont feel as if some one has blown off one of your legs with a shotgun then told you to compete in a 100m sprintthen i doubt that person was ever, really, you know. One good person leaves your life and you need 3-5 people to fill the void. Thats hassle. All those new people, continuous comparisons, flashbacks. Its that or you become a fort, anti social, over protective, paranoid. So a social whore or a recluse? I always hear people screaming about no one is irreplaceable and what ever side dish comes with that statement. I mean, Yeah, we can find some one newbut not a replacement.people make it sound like its easy to exchange human relationships. I couldnt, all my people have different skill sets, different specialties. I mean, no one could ever fill their shoes no matter what, perhaps better, maybe worse, never the same, which wont make me feel the same, which is not the same, so thats something new, thats a new investment of time, emotion & shares of my life. Some of us try too hard, surrounding ourselves with as much people as possible, jacks & Jills of friendships, non of them are the master of them.

37

Some of us dont try at all, running away from the world, complete lock-down. To some whats left is a vacuum to others it may be a well, their either going to get lost in it or broken trying to fit. Probably wasnt meant to be.more fish in the sea right? thats what they say? Id love to be able to say that trying to search with an open mind is better but thats foreigni know what im used to and what i like. Maybe this is the problem, should we be more broad and vague? Perhaps. But i like the cogs and wheels in my life, so Im hoping i suffer no break downs. My friends are the supplements to the majority of the positive emotions and feelings i have and go throughnot forgetting the negatives too. At the end of the day, who knows, life is chance.

831.
Have you ever been in a relationship thats made you question yourself.thats taken away all your negatives? Thats had you planning the future and wishing you could skip time so you could just have all you dream of? Ever been in bed and laid there in silence but the silence speaks volumes? Had you grinning for hours or scowling for days? Got you all defensive if anyone tries to say any thing negative? One that had hours together feeling like seconds and days apart feeling like years? Had you asking where the time went and how you can get it back so you could do it all again? One that had you thinking money isnt an option? Family and friends commenting on how perfect you are together. A match made in heaven? Got you doing things you didnt think you was ready to do? saying things you never had the courage to? Given you suicidal thoughts and contemplating murder? But given you life and hoping youd never lose it? I had this all..and like a fool i ruined it. 38

I was so happy with you, if only i had not played away.if only i had committed 100% to you, wed together right now I know this isnt the first time, i know i done it before and you took me back.i begged you and you did.at first i never thought it would get to this You wasnt even my type, i didnt ever think i would ever have some one like you. But i did.i found you and i could not stay faithful to you. I hate my self. I could not sleep when it first happened, i could not even eat, i could not do anything. I just wanted you.needed you. I still do. Fuck it, I will say it, Im still in love and every day is a struggle.i just want you back, i cant imagine life without you. I never thought Id ever do something like this but you really changed me, Im trying to show you. Me and you alone we was magical, Ive never felt that way about any one..and i dont think i ever will. You had me using my brain in ways and to levels i never knew existed.and using my hands on you was the best and to be honest the only way to starti would not stop till my fingers and hands were sore.then Id have to use my mouthgo over it, over and over again till it was time to act it all out. Some times wed start in my bedroom then wed go into the living room then kitchenId make my way to the shower.and as the water came down all Id be visualizing it, HD, 3D.sometimes Id want people to see it.sometimes Id want to keep you all to my self. Its been crazy not having you around.just fake smiles and over-thinking. It was stupid.i didnt mean to push you away, i didnt mean to try go for heri really didntit was just a crushit was dumb.now i realize i dont want it.look.i could of forced it but i didnt.i know my best years are with you, i know its you that can take me to right places, to the top. Ill` be honest, i tried to get over you..i thought the rebound would help, that it would make bettereasierbut it dont.i just cant.i just.cant please. Ill do anything please.. I was just infatuated with film makingi dived head first not knowing i left thinking it would be good when i already had better. And i know trying to be an author was a silly reboundit was good once but it could never level up to you.

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Scriptwriting, Give me one more chance..take this block off me, we can make it work. Eight letters Three words One meaning I Love you and Ive finally understood that Im a Writer by trade, director by desire.

Swansong.
Drum roll ingress, Im probably the most controversial, arrogant, cocky, obnoxious, pretentious, ostentatious & vulgar person you will ever meet but I dont believe in exaggeration, now treat me like a fucking king, I get what i want, when i want, do you understand? lay it out for me, anything i want i will take that, greedy bastard, my fingers in every pie, my reputation precedes meso Im pretty sure you have had enough notice, fucking with those submissive bitches, Im an authoritarianeveryone loves an autocrat you dont have a choice and any one who even whispers about the regime, Im beheading those motherfuckers let them peasants live in fear, be a slave for me, living so high that it hurts to look down, Im important ever met a guy so pompous with so little to show for it, talk all you want but i hardly listen, my shit never stinks, my pride is everything, Ill cut my nose off to spite my face, Ill lock horns with anyone, no backing down, Im never running away, Im here to stay. Violin fiasco, controlled chaos, all this madness, whats happening, i dont understand all this pandemonium, screaming faces, blood on the walls, rubble in the streets, everything is crashing down, my heads spinning, who invited this migraine, paralysis got me rooted to the spot, Im watching my world crumble I cant spot a friendly face in the crowd, this angry mob wants to burn my castle down but i wont let them, calling for calm but no ones hearing me, i cant say i never saw it coming, when the oppressed make a stand they destroy everything in sight, Im just trying to save what ever i can, some of this is far too valuable to go up in flame, these partisans dont even understand what theyre ruining, a king dies on his throne, a captain goes down on his ship and i aint feeling to sign out now, Ill take the disaster with these two hands God gave me. Acapella interlude, solo I only hear one voice, I feel trapped in an illusion not the same but this voice is telling me to do things i never usually do, drowning in darkness, dont need no one but this voice, this voice is the answer to all my problems, Ive resisted it for so long lady macbeth is in my ear, making me do all sorts of things, i wish i could tell her no, but she is all i know, Im just trying to make good from what i have and this is all i have, the voice fills the room, ever so soothing, my problems are non-existent when Im with the voice, no body ever sees me because Im with the voice, Im wrapped up in the voice, i just want the voice, the voice, the voice. Saxophone rehabilitation, a spring in my step feeling like i can do whatever, once youve lost everything, you can do anything, thats what Im doing, taking nothing for granted, everyday is better than last, whoa all these doors opening themselves, 3 square meals a day, waking up and thanking God for giving me another day to shine, smiling at every woman likes she's the one i dream about, ohhhh all my loved ones sit nice, laughing till i cry tears then wiping them then laughing some more, hearing the joy ring out bouncing off everyone Id drop for, i think I'm cured, ideas flowing, He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year, working tills my brains exhausted and my palms bleed.. 40

Electric guitar accomplishments, hear that riff? oh opportunity came calling, reaping those rewards, tell my doubters Ed dorado is shining, inbox is full I need some one to read them and another to reply, too much for one man, hard work pays off, if youre still wondering what words can do, ask my mum how she likes her new neighbours, Every time she goes out its Shalom to each side, No problems with anyone, positivity got me cool, look at my radiant smile so champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends, now toast, theyre like youre doing good but Im trying to tell them we can do better Acapella interlude, the choirs singing theyre all singing from the same hymn sheet, its so beautiful hearing them sing for, sing for me, sing loud, this feeling so amazing, i feel touchedby the hand of God, Im rising so high dont think i will ever go down again, Ive been that low but never again, these angels are singing so good, I love each and everyone of them, i just want God to speak to me and tell me this will last for ever. Piano outro, play that so slow, let me tell you, when everything starts going right, dont even look at what you left in the past, fuck a fear and a person who says you cant, them fuckers aint got no sight, these fools love to perform, every monarch needs a jester, play that even slower, i mean with out them how will you know what youre doing wrong? turning weaknesses into strengths, bulletproof persona make them love, without reason to hate tell them drinks are on the house they will feel guilty and out place, now remind them who you are and wish them success.now play them out.

A thought Quatre!
What you forget is Im a creative and Im allowed to rant every now and then. Im allowed to stop and start at will. Im allowed to walk away with out notice. Im allowed to obsess about a millisecond or paint stroke. Im allowed to be a recluse. Im allowed to make no sense. Im allowed to over think. Im allowed to do things on impulse. Im allowed to feel unappreciated. Im allowed to act out of character Im allowed to have vices. Im allowed to dabble with escapism. Im allowed to have endless epiphanies. Im allowed to question criticism that has no reference points. Im allowed to disregard my talent and skills. Im allowed to talk big and dream bigger. Im allowed to forget i have friends who care. Im allowed to use emotions to express my arts. Im allowed to work myself to death. Im allowed to never stop learning. Im allowed to miss out on good times to perfect my craft. Im allowed to do whatever i fucking please.

Jeffery Deaver.
41

Irrelevant whispers in your ears. Ears, tongue down to your neck. Neck, hand holding the back of it, supporting, steering, drifting finding its way to your breast. Breast, slow kisses, rubs, licks, nipples, hands back to stroke. Stroke your cheeks slowly, speaking slower, spin you round. Round as it should be yours dont fail to disappoint, feel these words on your back. Back, is where well end if not the face. Face, where hands appear again, gentle touch, like a blind man reading braille. Braille, goosebumps make a pattern, body language dont ever lie. Lie, lie down right here, dont speak, raise those legs. Legs, on my shoulder, lean in a little bit getting closer, see the whites of my eyes. Eyes, let me see yours dilate, feel it babe, as wide as your hips. Hips, grip those well, hold thumbs down your pelvic bone. Bone, not just yet, one step at a time like ones we took to the bed, hold your tongue. Tongue, back where we started, all the way down to your inner thigh. Thigh, hands hold, slip round and down to your ham string, push them forward. Forward motions, you hands wrapped around around neck bringing me down. Down, the sticks in gear were going back up. Up and cummingwait, how did we get here? You always end up in a middle of a dream..so i ask you again, how did we get here?

Folie simultane.
I dont really talk as much as i shouldi mean i, i could say more.. I let you see it how ever you want to..maybe thats wrong of me. Im playing off your moves, perhaps i should take control. Leaving all the decisions in your hands.. I mean i could make a choice or two. Urmmmmmmm. Im just asking myself, Isn't this a bit insane. As irrational or illogical as it reads. Its all possible. Im sure we could date. All the cute things that couples do. Stupid pictures, Duvet days. Bear hugs & Spiderman kisses We could play fight, then do our worst in the shower. Dont worry about a shower cap, we could get it done new. First time holidays to meeting parents. Sharing earphones, one glass. Two straws. Tonight no need to wash up. Lets eat off the same plate. Not a fan of Public displays of affection. But we could do it behind their backs. You could push the trolley and my arm over your shoulder Hand slides down your to your ra. Bowl with barriers up, give you a chance. 42

Cinema, if its got your favourite actor. Ill sit thru one of those. Prefer salt but i could settle for sweet. Just get me a slush. As bizarre as this is, i got more. Me and you could be something in the future. I mean i could be your motherfucking husband. Which would mean the path to heaven for my kids lies under your feet. I thinking about a number, can you guess it? If i told you it was 5 would you say yes? Or say something lower? Im always down for a compromise. Like a house in the country and an villa in the sun. If you keep inspiring me, Im sure we could afford a couple more. Im talking about driveways full of gravel and floors of marble. Five years salary sitting in the garages. Gates and swimming pools. Ski slopes and Private islands. Tree houses and cinema rooms Ponies and sweet 16s. I mean this is sounding demented. But Im going to go on.. Red carpet visits. Restaurant menus that aint in English. Designer dresses on tap. Private jets, chauffeured cars. And i promise youll never have to touch a door handle. Theyll take care of that. Champagne breakfast. Brunch and 7 course dinners. If i cant adjust. Youll ground me Tell me if this is looking real daft. We could build an empire. If i gets a bit too much. Youll be my peace of mind. If the critics bring me down. Youll tell me i can do better. Everything i need. I lost those errant ways. If Im away on business. You could email me something cute. This aint the drink talking Been sober for way too long. Dont let this just be words. Nothing ever happens with out a bit of graft. Second guesses, will this ever work. Will i be around if it all goes to dirt. It sounds beautiful but is it worth getting hurt? Im not saying there wont be dark clouds. 43

But Im looking at my silver lining. How can we blend the reality with the dream? Just tell what to doIll make sure Ill do it. Maybe Im delusional, do you share it too? Folie deux.

Pro-Verb.
Im a bit insecure. Then I read about all the babes and the overdosing, the headache. Thought you wanted to be rid of me. Im asking myself am i just handing out false hope again or maybe this my destiny.. As unrealistic as it seems, Im obsessed with the idea, trying to have my cake and eat it to, 2.4 children and a couple extra, what the hell does this mean? Im looking at my horoscope looking for answers, Is this just a crush or something a bit more sinister, this wont end in smiles but its full steam ahead, this is more than i bargained for but Im in love with the idea of it so i want it real bad, maybe Im looking in the wrong places for the right things, maybe Ive dug a hole so deep Im thinking its best to carry on and see whats on the other side. The grass is greener on the other-side but it isnt my job to mow it. Other than your smoking , drinking, and swearingyoure perfect. Lol It feels so right but i know she belongs to some one else, commitments and responsibilities, who am i to ruin this and tear it apart, play daddy to another mans children, i feel like i sold my self to devil for a shitty deal now Im trying to work off that interest, this isnt fair for me. Im selfish as it comes, greedy as anything, Me before him, so Ill take another mans family, Im not scaredi can do it, cancerian so try tell me i cant have it and deal with the consequences but will history repeat its self The grass is greener on the other side until you get there. I think Im just scared to death that Im gonna fall in love with a ghost. Im a faded memory, half remembered dream, reflection in a broken mirror. Im not all there but Im there, Even thoe youll never really forget me, Youll never really remember me, Never really understand me, Never really get it all, But im there, distorted and faint, but im there. I hope you hear me, Im in backseat telling you where to go but im not in driving seat, this sounds crazy. The grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close. Its distressing to know something as good as you are, is within my reach, but not. Its for the best, somethings are best left alone, look and listen but dont dare touch, just in love of the idea of something ready made, never spoken to her about getting wild but she said shell fuck me better than her man, I got women my age trying to be my princess and Im thinking laying with a woman who has kids half my age, I got no business stealing another mans queen, didnt i learn nothing from troy this could come down on my head, entertaining something that isnt viable, time to find my self 44

The grass is greener on the other side and I cant afford the water bill. Its like when you said youd leave it alone, and then I hit you back. Im just addicted to the way i make her feel, High off the reaction, basking in the emotion, i want more, this some intense stuff, mad at my self for making sure she i look out the sign, signalling that she needs me, they say we marry our mothers but Im yearning attention from some one else's, i cant follow through but i dont feel like a failure but i had a chance would i take it up, Thank God all we ever do is speak Someone once told me the grass is much greener on the other side; but from where im standing, my grass is green.

Heart of the Ocean.

Head first into the unknown. Lost treasurers, Im seeking. Any darker and Ill lose my way. Any deeper and Ill be crushed. Its easy to stray from the path. Its possible for my shoulders to give in. I know those sharks will be on if they smell blood. So i work on my weaknesses. Those piranhas will consume me. If i let em have a taste. All it takes is one kiss and tell. I dont want to feel suffocated. So i keep only keep a few around me. Ill see things bigger than me. But i wont let em phase me. Ill mind out for the smaller ones. Were all part of the food chain. When i find those riches. Ill take my time on my way up. The pressure could kill me I cant wait to get back on the ship and celebrate with my true ones. Not concerned about the pirates. They could never steal the experience or legacy.

Deviation.
Its not the same, not the same, not the same. Its not. Fuck a dream, Im a walking, talking nightmare. My actions are erratic and i cant explain. Every vice has its excuse ready. Minds blank and shes waiting. She has my ears but her words dont linger. Im watching her speak but i aint meeting her halfway. 45

Hard work before glory. But this is a Nonstarter. Mr magician why cant you do tricks no more. Shes over-thinking, i can hear her. Illusions and phenomena. I can smell the desire. Give my mojo back. Shes dependent. Touches wither. Looks fade. Dry as a bone. Bedsheets looking new. Throwing compliments all over the place. Love em, just dont know how to take em. The cancer is eating her away. A new person is born right before my eyes. Shes moody now, defiant, authoritative Shes addicted to stimulants but looking at a depressant. Pause everything, Cold side of the pillow. This is not how it used it be. One of many and they all thinking. Youre not the man you used to be.

Victoria's reverie.
Internal alarm clock. 7.15. Snooze! Snooze. Snooze? Under maintenance? Oh. I can hear your breathing. I can see your arm across my chest. I can feel your warmth in my body. I set up. Look around. It sticks. Ugh. Too much hazing. One shoe, one dress, one shirt, one tie, no underwear. I'm naked. Evidence of last night. We had a fucking good time! Did we have a good time? How do you quantify a good time? Blue cups, empty bottles, those DVDs are still out. You stir. I'm naked. I button up your shirt. Into the kitchen. I try hard but them cupboards are on full blast. I find what I need, what you want. 2 eggs, 100 g.. Wait. How do I measure... Ffs. Intuition kicks in. Fuck it. It's in the oven, I'm picking at the mix. Yum. I'm thinking about you. Yum. I'm thinking about us.. Urrm? I don't wanna leave a mess, I'm a polite bitch. The feel of soapy water. Hot. I need a shower. The water hisses. Cold! Oh okay. Patience is a virtue. Steam. I can't see. I take my specs off, your shirt off. Slowly. Savouring your smell. I naked. What's what? Creaky floorboards are the devil. The door opens, our eyes lock. External alarm clock. 7.15. Snooze! Snooze. Snooze? Eyes wide open. Dazzled. Mr Sun got his hat and beach wear on today.

Pretty Woman.
Now Where should i start. I know its been a while Weve been on and off for ages. You been there for me. Sometimes i think that what we got going on is wrong. Sometimes far too gone to think of the consequences. Equanimity dont always save me. 46

More time i want to save you for the highs but recently i have been calling on you during the lows. Theres no glory in what we do. Not appropriate, not smart or healthy. After i fuck you senseless. The thoughts are ever so clear. Just me, you and the words You take in the words that i write Others be jealous. They say i cant let go. Its weird. That we still do it in secret. Im not ashamed..i just cant deal with the judgement. Talking in whispers. Youre so inconspicuous. If only all of us could co-exist together. But they wont allow us to be free. I talk to youbecause they dont hear me.. And when they dontyou do. When another goes You step up to the plate Those shoes are always filled. I could have any one i want I know Hobsons choice. No one but you. You got that hold over me Got me feeling in a way. So many lost memories. If only i could remember. Could be quick. Could be long. Once, twice, three times..or till i cant move anymore. My finger tips. Tip of my tongue. Youre there Me and you, hell of a party. Always want me to bring a friend. You aint ever shy. Everyone gets fucked During my dark hours. During the darkest hours Till the sun comes up. My lips on the edgeof it. Fast or slow. Depends how i plan to feel. What im trying to forget. Where im trying to go. I savour the moments we have. I know it'll feel so wrong in the morning. Questioning why i did, what i did. 47

Said what i said Thats why i drink you till my face goes numb. Because tomorrow is never promised. Youre my favourite vice. Its all messed up.. Youre just local, ho Why you do this to me, i dont know Fucking with you has me fucking up. Real Exciting Love Affair Turns Into Outrageous Nightmare, Sobriety Hangs In Peril. We just need a cooling off period. Im teetotal for now.

A thought Cinq!
Its crazy to think That in a few years a few little ones are going to be calling me dad and Im going to take em on play dates with my friends kids. That Im going to be paying insurance, utility bills, mortgage and holidays in return for getting the privilege of being awarded the big piece of chicken. That Im going to have to do the late night supermarket dash after work because some crucial stuff is missing and that will be cool because shed go midweek and wed go together on the weekend for the big shop. That Im going to miss out on certain days of my childrens life because i will be working hard to provide them with the things i never had. That Im going tell them stories and tales from my younger years and advice for their tomorrow. That Ill be one they come to for presents and treats but the one they try avoid when in trouble or got a problem. That Im going to be a chauffeur, bank, chef, disciplinarian, teacher, doctor, barber, handyman and a million other things. That Im going to be the head of the household, while shes the core. That one day.one day.Im going to be a Husband and Father.

Duvet Day.
O : You stupid, and your daddy plays for the worst team in the NBA! X : What? O : Last time they won, Dr. J was a nurse! X : Shut up! I don't want to be your boyfriend any more, you ugly dog! O : Well, I don't want to be your girlfriend any more, BIG HEAD! Urgh, Here we go.. Typical woman. Y'all love this film Not going to hit till the third quarter Play about, touch you there. A lil' bit of footsie. On our sides, reach over for my drink. A bit closer, i 48

know you feel it. I heard that deep breath. Please keep your clam. Ask to see my tattoos. Weird, my arm stays there. Slot into place. Right behind you. Smelling like a million bucks. Out the safety deposit box. Just looking for that safe keeping. My hand on your groin. Whispers in your ear. I know you hear me. Making me wait. I know it's killing you. I got it so quick. Trying to slow down. O : Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it's too late. X : I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year. O : You wrote me? X : Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over Just me, you and sound of the rain. TV's muted, just visuals. Spread those legs, we about to get crazy. Hearing all the things you been thinking. Any thing you want to say God. Because he about to you hear you. The storms pushed me to this haven. Turn you around, now your face down. My words on your neck. Can't hear you baby. That pillowcase stealing your words. Inaudible but far from silent. I'm filling you up because i want to go all the way. The other bitches hearing but you're the one feeling. Work that sheet, it's you. Cups are both empty. Theres more in the kitchen. Back to Paco Rabanne & stale sex Henri Winterman tainted air. When I finish this. We'll put another in. O : His name's Forrest. X : Like me. O : I named him after his daddy. X : He got a daddy named Forrest, too? O : You're his daddy, Forrest.

Lucem Ferre.
Dont need drugs anymore Life is hard but Im still living Foes trying to bring me down. Crabs in a barrel. The hate is blinding. So i dont bother looking My old ladys saying save a little. Peers asking why i dont spend it. Im trying to live within my means. My dreams are bigger than labels and cars. Ive lost out chasing rainbows. A few women too but i dont really remember. Let them call me by the nom de plume. Simply because it was nothing personal. I used to fuck some bitches.thats it, I used to fuck em. I couldnt take them home. They aint the one my mum talks about. 49

So its room 871 till Im a faded memory. Some fight tooth and nail because knowing you aint the one is better than never being. I try tell them i cant stay because i had something better. Whats worse, Missing some one who dont miss you back or loving some one who hates you? My silence should answer that question. Ive been standing at the aisle wondering who i was going to take. She probably had plans, now i am them. Monet suite, Its time to party. I aint seen my phones in two weeks. So theyll think its got to me. Im at a private celebration. Belated thank yous. The congratulations were overdue. They can wait too. Talking about dinners. We aint trying to eat. No effort on my behalf. Stumble in rough. Ever seen a hobo this noble? Looks can be deceiving. Duc carriage and horse outside. Terre d Hermes. Walk up in there with aroma of Paris. She better smell me before I reach for my lighter. I know i said i dont need it. Its a special occasion, so i got to dose up. Que sera, sera.she sings it good. No mixers, tonight we drink it straight. Skin on skin, face to face That lingerie, those killers heels, pastel nails i love that shit. landing strip cute as fuck, at-least 3 times before the suns up. My pretty lady at the little white chapel. Got a right to silence. But we fucking guilty. I said no more leaks but i love the way she speaks. She wants to know what comes from the lust issues Im worse when im wasted. Shed be better off getting blood from a stone. I dont think her God likes me. Im even better than just before the fall.. I praying that he can see it. I want this to be legit. My heart is pure. My conscious is clear. My Intentions are good. I aint trying to do anything wrong. Im tired of being misunderstood. So Im asking for his permission. I know Ive said this before. This time Im trying to mean it. 50

Apollo.
Im in the departure lounge. Looking out at it all. The future is super bright. No sunglasses, i want to see it all. Couple blind spots, know what it means. Feeling like the last supper. Empty seats at the table, some still warm. Wondering where it all went wrong. Some overstayed their welcome. So when they went it was awkward. Others tripped right in. Never meant to be. Easy come, easy go. There are some things. That were never meant to owned. You can have me now. Then i could be your before. Yesterday I was your future. Tomorrow I could be your past. Feeling like you live for this. Careful you dont die from It. Talking about the others. What does that make you? From bad to worse. Happinesss got many enemies. Griefs got as many friends. The next wont care about you. So I wouldnt care about them. Excess pride in its value. Shame when its robbed. Now throw me the blame. Index, Middle and Ring. Now read between the lines. While some fly away Other etched on my mind. Hoping i dont forget certain faces. Ill pray to reconcile before its all over. Last memories became newest nightmares All in due course, maybe we can all smile again. No forcing of hands but all my dues are paid. Im fearing some may never clear the debt. The door is still open with others. Got turned away from some Some I dont even bother with Dont think I can afford what theyre quoting on the door. Heard em say theres no price on friendship. Dealing with extortionists and mercenaries. 51

See a few familiar faces on every guest list. They wont look twice if they see you in queue. The champagne taste different in V.I.P All these faces matter now. At home, they wont matter then. Drinking to forget. Head on the pillow. Memories flood. Praying for an Arc. One comes and saves you. Passing like ships in the night. Nothing gets said. Because nothing gets seen. The absence runs deep. Thinking, what are they thinking. Wondering if they ever dream. Even a bad one. So you could fight those demons. Thoughts get as heavy as your eyelids. Ask him for one more thing. If we never speak again. And i cease to breathe.. If i dont make it & my lights extinguished. Make theirs shine extra bright.

Cocaineandvodka.
Youre right with me. Im right here you. Contorted faces. We. Must. Be. Dreaming. Fuck. Me. Like. You. Dreamed. It. Ill drink, my drink. Never will i snort that shit. Youre than welcome to try. I. heard. It. Feels Amazing. If. You. 52

Rub. It. On. Your. Clit. I wouldnt know It could be just stories. Lets spice ours up. I know youre thinking. When all of this is done. What next. Youre pacing yourself for the long run. Im psyching myself for the sprint. Do all your talking now. Before that sore throat. You aint to impress me. Just do what you can. Pictures didnt do you justice. Eyes. All. Over. Your. Body. Lips before the thighs. Thighs before back. Nothing comes before the chest, Know how I like that So break em out. Dont even cup them. Bare it all Drinks got me swaying. Heavy on my feet. So let take a seat. Join me miss. Sit on my lap. Lean in. Lips on my ear. Now. Let. Me. Hear. You. Speak. Whats that request? Ill think about it. Refill please. Back to front Take. This. Opportunity. 53

To. Make. That. Shit. Clap. Dont add nothing. Im drinking neat. Lets not mess this up. Watch the way we mix. Bobby and Whitney. Tina and Ike. Amy and Blake. Talent and drugs. With some passion. Could go tits up Ironic because thats how youre laying Vodka in your belly button. Lines on your stomach. Besotted, both ways. Drink how i drink it. Lets. Get. Fucking. Twisted. Smoke it how i smoke it. Lets. Get. Fucking. Lifted. Ill turn a blind eye. So you can do all the stuff i dont do. Its an experience. But if you got to inject it. I expect you to reject it. No needles marks. Dont scar your skin. A bruise or two. Palm on your bum. Hand on the back of your neck. Fingers on your pelvis. Etch that lust for a week. If your friends see it. Tell them I fucked you right. I know youre dreaming of a ring. So you got me for life. Well, I got these cuffs. So I got you for the night Magic roundabout. Round and round, we go. We can make that video. 54

You can keep it. My memories vivid. Newest entry to the highlight reel. Ride me like your first love. Back shot like my last. Because shes way back. Left her in the past Now focus on a spot on the ceiling. Foot touching one corner of the bed. Other touching the other. Hope your flexible. This is a king size This web, between my forefinger and thumbs. On your Achilles, push them way back. Marty McFly, anywhere you want to. Well go there. Leave on haze-day, Come back Blur-day. Today is your-day. Wont impose a curfew. The suns almost up. Ive done this a million times. Ill do it a million more. You aint the first. I know you want to be the last. In the morning, Ill probably call you babe. Its not how i feel, I just find it hard to remember your name. Wouldnt want spoil it by mentioning the competition. Trying to avoid all them errors. But i want to enhance this feeling. So, Im drinking more. No longer drinking for taste. Im drinking for effect. It affects my performance. So lets close the show. Finish in your mouth. Because this where it started. Oh you got some where better? Aim for the pear drop. Forgive my vision. 7th cup, threw it off. Miss, let it run down your back. I could twos you. I aint drinking more. I thought this was water. Seeing shapes. I cant tell the difference. Sex, Drugs and everything in-between. Lust issues holding it all together. Im cross faded.

Hope the city.

55

Hope the city voted for you The first words i ever heard from you. Now see us now. Reflecting, Its all weird now. Its cool to be cool again. Pretending to talk like we used to. Feeling worse than were used to. Is this what closure feels like? I preferred the unknown. Knowing what could of been. Rather than what will never be. Its funny how things turn out. The fickle finger of fate. Its for the best. I dont want to make good. This was the way it went. So just let it go Dieu et mon droit I just cant defend you any more. Im not that knight any more. I dont want hit again, my shift is done. Sex leads to more sex. Its never just that. Its not just sex. Offers i can refuse. No love is lost Just because it was never there. This story is too long. What Id do to see your part on the cutting room floor No deleted scenes, hope its lost forever. Say my name as much you want. Dieu me pardonnera. Cest son metier Sorry, not to say, end of the life. Hit the buffer stop at high speeds. Slow down before some one gets hurts. Tired of bursting bubbles. Look at the mess it makes. Cant put my finger on it. Dont mean i dont see it. Fell out of this all. Now crashing down. Youre in love with the dream. I never broke up with reality. I never done it to hurt you. She just made it feel so good. It was all for the moment. Now thats all i want to live for. Some people, some people. Some people 56

Take potshots. Make sure you slot them all in. What an interesting dog that was. Never fuck a side babe face to face. Its all in the eyes, she can never it Im hoping she dont kiss and tell. Off to see a man about a dog. Proper bad bitch. Looking for something stress free. I just want to escape it all. Hazeday, Blurday, Today. Im doing better than Im feeling. Giving an unsavoury woman too much attention. Now i got this millstone around my neck. Password protection on it all. Because youll just hurt yourself. Dieu me pardonne That text got me bugging. So focused on seeing whats on the other side. Didnt look both ways. Now you been hit. If you had listened to me.. Maybe youre problems would of been eased. Avoiding me trying to keep me happy. You done wrong Le Tonnerre de Dieu. Your last status update. Wait till the storm hits. Looking where snooping has got you. Space and time, Physics never lied. Breathing space, would be nice. Let me think what Im going to do. Settling downfreal? Well, i thought so. Time to celebrate but i dont see you. Monet suite is pending. Hope youre proud of me. Feels good to feel good. Could it be, Its looking like it. Feeling real comfortable. I know you saying you love me. But all i can say is im in lust with you. I love the way the it feels. You give it abundance. A smart man said something gluttony. Words dont matter when it feels so good. Sometimes its best to talk more and do less. Glad I never took my own advice. Practicing my signature, you sprung like that. A housewife to do housewife things. 57

Maybe you could be that. Honesty goes a long way. But can you really built for it? This, that or the other.? Which one should we bump too? I mean we could go for all 3? As long as you got that stamina. Le bon dieu,thats all i want to hear you say .le bon dieu. First experiences. Baby, tell me how that smoke feel? Youre love with how good it sounds. House made from paper. These words all around you.. Under those sheets. Thinking more, wanting more. Wondering how you got here. Saying things you shouldnt. Think before you sign it all away Is this really what you want to be doing. Questions come later. Your first foray. Engrossed, Totally. Im your newest drug. Fun to try at first. Now its looking worrying. All those myths you heard. Was there any truth.. You notice it Notice it all. Wondering why. Why i cant read your mind. Re-reading when ever you can. You know so much you should not know. Theres so much left unsaid. Asking yourself Could you have said more? Did he hear me right. Were the first words rushed. Oh, whatever. Dieu, Im hopelessly devoted to you

Lafuckingwho?
Check. London to Paris, Back to London, Then to Belgium. 20, got abused for my talent. Ohh, P, Youre such a talent They showed me that 5 Star. Said this could be your life. 58

Everyday checking my bank balance. Mums proud of her son. How am i gonna keep her happy? With peanuts?, These people crazy. Pay me better, Keep me motivated. My mums smile makes my week. Mums tears can ruin my year. I want to be able to say.. My proudest achievement.. Is buying my mum a house. Yeah, I know shes got one. I want something she can get lost in. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just. Trying to drive a better car.. Dads telling me to never go on HP. So Im traveling modest. Pure heart, no room for envy. Cut your coat according to your cloth So, how these guys manage to show off? Trying to live a bit better. They said just do it to the letter. So writing this wont be in vain Blood does not wash away blood So i went and got a vanilla babe. So i dont look that out place. Well, In most places.. Could count my haircuts this year.. On one hand. Only wear suits at funerals. So, Im not surprised.. That theyre surprised. Weeks wage on 3 courses. Going for that classy hobo look. Forget the clothes & trim Honey, look a black face Probably a footballer or a rapper. Even though Im closer to a drug dealer. Mix a few things make something potent. Then a few free samples, Hey you like this? Followers eating out the palm of my hand. Now you got one of my psalms at hand. Told my employers Im out the rat race. Now theyre chasing me. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just.

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Trying to kick all the bad habits. Before they become bear necessities. Cab rides out the concrete jungle. Its hard to shine. In the shadow of a tower block. Words formulated on TheEstate. Two planes hit my world trade. How did i respond? Not a war on terror. They took victory from silence. Do you see a man.. Who speaks in haste? Theres more hope for a fool. Than there is for him! Proverbs 29:20. Then I turned 21. Put a few things to bed. Didnt expect some to say they love me. Now Im drinking everyday. Substance abuse. Go see my artist. Sober, I deserve the pain. Late nights, Early mornings. Afternoons never see them. Inbox never empty. Went from voice notes. To Visuals. Now she sends Videos. What a collection. Speeding in the Addison. Everything around me is blur Viewing em and plotting. Mr Lee, can you turn around. Now this is dangerous. My eyes only. No-One sees these. 5000 Emails in a month. Thank You G-Mail. Got the work one. Next to the Family one. Next to the Invoice. Next to the brief. Next to the dirty ones. One mix up. All falls down. Boojie baby. Not Amber. Concrete roses. Placid volatility. Name of the company. 60

Same, way you could. Describe me. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just. Trying up the caliber i lay with. She told me told she dont fuck on the first date. Told her thats cool. Dinner is first. Hotel was always for afters. She says she cant wait. Till I make it. Im saying Hollywood aint easy. Shes like i love men who work hard. Truth is, she just dont want work again. Hope she realizes its.. Plastic cups over champagne flutes. Penny wise fucking pound foolish. London, to Australia, Back to London, End up in America. Thank God for emails. Happy I got Insomnia. V.I.Ps across the Atlantic. Wanting to speak when they can. Early mornings smoking cubans. Stress relief because she just relieved me. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just. Trying to get enlightened. So Ill never say no. To the illuminati. Dark streets, street lights. Couple people i know lodged them. So i can say i know a few freemasons. Faith is present. Alhamdulillah. Religion is missing. Astaghfirullah. But i think the pagans found it. Never cast your pearls. Before Swine So theyll never eat this. Quotes from the bible. Ink in Arabic and Hebrew. So Abrahamic. Perfection kills. So Im rightist. 61

Not rich enough. To vote conservative. So, its hard labour. Till, The birth of success. Wrote this on Jimis death day. Even Castles made of sand Fall into the sea, eventually. Tides not come in yet. Call one of my sons Hendrix. Live forever voodoo child. Purple Haze, Excuse me While i kiss the sky. Along the watchtower. Isaiah, Chapter 21. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just. Trying do what i know i can. Real talk is just a poor mans opinion. Looking to trade this silver-tongue For a Gold one.. The fact all of my critics.. Are my biggest Cynics. Only proving to climb up the ladder. Leave the grudges to the snakes. Couple exs telling me reconsider. Right person, wrong time. No better time than the present. The one Im try hear from. Aint hearing me.. So one no one gets it. First love pregnant, Im happy for her. Not mine, Shes always been full of it. Asking why I aint replaced her. Saying she was right That I could never do better. Told her Career before love. Right now Im too busy. Trying to make the dream come true. Singe qui voit, singe qui fait. My current used to be an L. So I dropped them out. Now got a relevant french phrase. Far from, no where near, way off the mark, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just better, not arrogant, just.better.

A little white chapel.

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Slap, bang in the middle. 3am, Sleep is not option. Talking like were lovers. Tantric sex, The rapport is crazy. Just Red bull in my cup. I aint looking to dose tonight. No lighter, I smell too good to haze. Slow words, see that sentence descend right down like a waterfall. Im in the zone forgive me if i aint really listening. Eyes down, brows up. Shake out the trance. Its like Ive known you my whole life but i hardly know you. Las Vegas marriage. Are we freal? I could fuck you, love you, breed you. Surreal thoughts running the show. I feel like Im lying but i think Im just telling the truth. My phones ringing but i wont answer Dont worry its not another babe. I never give em my number cah theres only so many times you can busy tone. They say theyre tired of running solo and if i dont make it official theyll walk away Calling my bluff hoping the devil dont pick up. They say the new stuff is better than the old stuff.but what do they know. They think all i talk about is sex, drugs, troubled thoughts. I write thinking how many women will claim these words. They sit thinking which bitch got me doing lines. They fell short praying that youll last long. You got that baggage, I got that weight. So much in common, we both know it. Propinquity, easing those doubts. You seem sensible, i know you smell trouble. The allure holding your senses. Damn this is all something that wasnt meant to be. Fuck everything, These feelings are unfeigned. You know what. We came this far, might as well. No music, i want to hear you acapella. Fill my cup, light my stoog and drop those garments.

Fade.
Mentor told me you aint rich till your money is offshore. Some of my friends dont know if were friends anymore because I dont see them anymore, If i could Id move all my people next door, God strike me down if i lose love because of a whore. When the day comes for bottles to popped just for the sake of ruining the floor, how many more word documents before i bankrupt my favourite store? How many more phone-calls before i can afford that antique decor? How many more emails before this all becomes a chore? My old flame told me you wont be happy till her diamond gleams. 63

Now i have a babe for every one of my dreams, wanted a son since i was nineteen but i cant entertain those thoughts till i secure that queen, Im a creative so i need those academic genes, From Vimeo to the big screen, I just want to make a scene, workaholic dependent on caffeine, Difficulties to the stars, motto of the team. Best friend told me everything will be alright Swap the high-street for black alleys and bright lights, Duplex even though I aint fond of heights, vintage whiskey while i handle rewrites, parties where security is tight, silk bows on the invites pretty ladies who fuck aristocrats everyones high and polite, ends with a whisper in the ear and not testosterone fuelled fights, girl you take home is high as kite, no matter how you fuck em the white got em thinking its right. My muse told me she loves the charm & intellect i ooze. So Ill give her a room and fill it up with shoes, she wants to be the only one phones password protected or shell blow a fuse, last months cheque on red aint got nothing to lose but Ill never drink wine Ill stick to bargain booze, Holiday via holiday Caribbean cruise. Old teacher told me you aint a rock star till you smash a guitar. Im happy that i got this far, I just want to raise it before i but out the bar, A few more train journeys before i can afford that car, a few more sleepless nights before i can appreciate the stars, Its London till i can afford to swap hellos for au revoirs, Drink ups till its black-tie and Cuban cigars, Budget airlines and package holidays till Qatar

A thought Six!
Lately, Ive been asking God to give me a chance but every time i look in the mirror i see no change. Every night i question my wavering faith, waking up thinking whats it going to take for all of this to end. I can be better with opportunity, all i need are the circumstances. Sometimes all i want is a signthere must be something buried in the words. My dedication is a curse and a blessing for me and all those close to me. How many prayers get me some peace of mind? More goodbyes than hellos, can you bless me with some reverts? If i say my vowels in your house will it last longer? I have not been in so long, my place of worship feeling like a lost and found room, dont mind meIm just looking for religion. Ive strayed like that sheep in the gospel of Luke. Waiting for a raindrop in the drought.

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Bonus Chapters

The View I
I want to ring her. I want to ring her and tell her to pack a bag. I want to ring her, tell her to pack a bag and show up outside her house ready to go. Me and her, we could be a forcethe perfect partnership, we could take over the world. And thats where we will start. I live for her and she lives for me. No one to break what we built. Its perfect. We can get lost in translation. We can be comfortable and be ourselves. We wont have to look over our shoulder. We could have a little one or two, they will speak itgive them french names too. It would be amazing. We could come back every now and then and they could visit us every so often. Its not that far but far enough. We could soak in the culture, we could become locals we could get used to Euros and the Metric system. But for now, well just aim to catch the sunrise.

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The View II
Its like this.. Failure isnt an option. You cant be half hearted about this, you want this bad. ever so bad. What you want isnt a career or a Job. You dont want to save lives, fix things, cook, paint, research, teach kids, clean, serve, stack or pack, patrol, secure, look after or anything of the sort, you want to create magic.a magic that people can experience. Its more than that, its a complete lifestyle. 66

International time zones, bureau de changes, sleepless nights, long weekdays, short weekends, new cuisine & congratulatory handshakes! Whats that going to get you? Holiday homes, stature, lots of stamps on your passport, happiness and a few good words. Youre going to have headaches, arguments, bad days, fatigue, stress, youre going to walk away once or twice. People are going to take you for granted or think youre a bit weirdlet em. Your time comes Take a look backwhoa, its been a journey. Youve lost some people but its cool, maybe youll meet again, some abandoned you thats cool too they will have a sore heart for a while. Hardly any time has passed but damn youve aged, you look so youthful but your mind is clocking up those miles, you need a break. Has all the hard work paid off? Was it worth it? Who knows Before you could not have nice things because you could not afford them, now you cant have them because theres not enough space, youre gonna need a new place. You can afford that ring now but shes going to have to wait. Its not that youre scared of commitment but some issues need to be ironed out first2 years is enough timehope it goes quick, really want to start this family. Where the hell did all these fine females come from?Its a shame you aint really interested, They say they just want to be your friend but all they talk about is how perfect they are for you. You want a wife not a concubine. better luck next time xoxo. Hey, new friends.you knew me before didnt want to fucks me then? damnis that what fear does to you? much obliged. Everything is so damn busy now, cant you pause this shit? Everyone wants to be so damn involved, cant they give you a break? Now everyone thinks they know whats best for you, everyone wants to give you advice, everyone wants to dictate what you do, everyone suddenly gives a fuck. Everyone, everyone, everyone. Couple bitch fits, Diva shit. Youve changed apparently. They can talk. And the magic youre creating? people dont appreciate but hey its to be expected. Youve had knock backs before but never stayed on your arse for too long. Another try? Yeah its a bit better they still want better. The large majority are criticizing but their criticism has no reference points and those who opinions really matter are drowned outno matter who loud they shout or how high they write their words.drowned out. Yeah, disheartening.but you know you can prove them wrong, you know your worth and 67

capabilities. Youre working yourself harder than ever before..youve been here before, you know what happens next. Youre a bit of a recluse now, incommunicado. That break? Youre going to take it, you deserve it. Time to collect your thoughts and put those finishing touches on. Phew, put that to the side. Great view.i wonder whats next

The View - III

Picture this. Youve just woken, Yesterday you was with that Vanilla babe walking up the red carpet, shes looking good, tabloids are going to go crazy. Youre not a firm favourite but you take every one by surprise, you win. Damn its heavy, is it solid gold? these lights are shining bright, you cant see a thing You talk about a brief life experience & how shocked youre to be here, You thank your parents, friends, peers and of course God. She blows you a kissshe knows she will never have to work again now. After party is kind of wild, everyone wants to be your friend now. Woken up by congratulatory phone calls and texts, hang over is crazy did you really drink that much? Knock on the door, your car is here, airport, private jet, another car, penthouse suiteyou dont need to touch any door handlesthey got that. Drop your suitcase, have a shower, make love. 68

you open your eyes, how long did you sleep for? You get up put on your dressing gown and meet her on the balcony. She proposes a toast, you made it kid.

The Dream
Your siblings snoring wakes you, you open your eyesyou look around that cramped room, you dont dare put the light on so you can read a book or the TV so you can watch some late night entertainmentthe consequences will be severe, You cant wait till you get your own space. Your parents have never had it bad, youve always had a place to sleep, warm and comfy, always had a hot meal on the table and all the love in the world. I mean, Yeah.youve had to go without the latest garments or games console but thats all materialistic. Watching MTV cribs you picture yourself living there, what youd change or what youd add, you take ideas from all the celebrities housesthats your future. Every now and then your parents or siblings will annoy you & youll feel like running away and never coming back but it never gets that serious. Eventually the time comes when you finally fly the coop, best feeling ever now you can keep as many lights on or watch TV till late. As free as you are, you came here to study, it wont be easyif it didwhat value would it have? You strive hard, you get decent results. now youre almost an adult, you need a jobthat mansion wont cost a bag of peanuts. You start low, the pays not the best but you get by, you cant afford the best place, but its clean, warm and close to local amenities.or so the estate agent claims. Some point in the near future youre going to meet that person, you may have met them already but this a new level, youre head over heels, everything is goodthis spot wont do for the both of you.and they live in shared accommodation, doubt their housemates will dig all this affection. You throw what change your have and find a tidy apartment, everything is good, that promotion moved you up a pay gradeyoure one step closer to that 7 bedroom mansion with a gym & cinema room. The unexpected becomes the expected, this place was good for the two of you, now theres a little one on the way.you start realizing the draughty windows, damp, exposed pipes, tiny kitchen.this was a great love shack but no place to bring up a child. You push your self harder, that money you have been saving up for a run around has to go on better things, the car can wait. A nice two bed flat, its a bit high but its a good price and there is a train station just round the corner, no biggie Youre working harder than everyou and your partner are a bit distant now, stress is not uncommon in these situations, youll work it out. A healthy baby, 10 toes, 8 fingers, 2 thumbs, happiest day of your life so far but this high wont last for long, red letters on the doorstep, only one of you is working now, the income aint the same luxuries are getting cut out, its back to basics. You manage to get though ituntil another one comes a longthis wasnt planned, i mean things 69

are good but not that good but i guess this is Gods doing. This place wont be fit for the four of you, theyre nagging youyou need a bigger place, got you thinking about sharing that room with your siblings and the sacrifices your parents had to make. You watch as your two children sleep and you know you will do them better. It wont be over night change, your partner will still nag you about moving out, there will be times where you will avoid the landlords visits and tell those bill companies the person theyre looking for isnt at home. At times you'll lay in bed with them and talk about your dreams and getting over this struggle but that train rumbling past & waking up the new born reminds you that dreams alone wont pay that mortgage for that MTV cribs style place. And it wont be the next day, month or yearbut eventually you will park up that new black 4X4 next to the sports car you purchased your self as a treat. You will walk up the path to that large detached house, the one with the big kitchen, en-suites, walk in wardrobes, triple garage, office, loft conversion, enough bedrooms for this place to be classed as a small B&B and garden big enough to host the local United Vs City match, you open the door to let the kids run in claiming which room is theirs. You will give your partner a kiss and a hug, then your youngest will run down and say Mum, Dad.the neighbours have a swimming pool and a massive tree house and you will crack a smile turn to your partner & say..Back to work i guess

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This was worth it. Psymon L 'Amour

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There was a lot of work that went into putting this anthology together. I can't tell you how many countless hours were spent putting writing these original pieces. That means that this information has value, and your friends, family, and co-workers may want to share it. It should go without saying that you cannot post this document or the information it contains on any electronic bulletin board, Web site, FTP site, newsgroup, or ... well, you get the idea. The only place from which this document should be available is Psymon L'Amour's Blog, Scribd, Twitter and FaceBook Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Although the author has made every reasonable attempt to achieve complete accuracy of the content in this anthology, he assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Also, you should use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. Your particular situation may not be exactly suited to the examples illustrated here; in fact, it's likely that they won't be the same, and you should adjust your use of the information and recommendations accordingly. Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if we use one of these terms. Finally, use your head. Nothing in this anthology is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice, and is meant to inform and entertain the reader. So have fun with Haze+Blur, Enjoy.

Copyright 2011 Psymon L'Amour. All rights reserved worldwide.

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