Forgiveness

Copyright 2006 Quantum Techniques, LLC
Forgiveness
A Giant Step on the Path
of Healing
By Randy Janzen L.C.S.W.
Copyright 2006 Quantum Techniques, LLC
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
What is Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Obstacles to Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Quantum Techniques Healing Code for Obstacles to Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
e Consequences of Not Forgiving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Who to Forgive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
Self Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Quantum Techniques Healing Code for Who to Forgive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Apology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
How to Forgive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Dissolving Resentment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Choosing to Forgive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Healing Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Forgiving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Releasing Judgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Forgiving Yourself and Another . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Prayers of Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
oughts of Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Retrieving Your Spirit From Yesterday . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Forgiving Yourself and Another . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Personal Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
PERT Positive Emotional Refocusing Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Emptying Your Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Gaining Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Inner Child Healing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Prayer for Releasing Judgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Forgiving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Mercy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Oering Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Healing Visualization . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Releasing Grudges . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Changing Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Compassion Visualization . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Forgiveness Armation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Quantum Techniques Healing Code for Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Beyond Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Quantum Techniques Healing Code for Gratitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
References and Further Reading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
*A note about the codes used throughout this material. ese are Quantum Techniques Healing
Codes, created by Stephen and Beth Daniel to assist you to anchor the material and release any
resistance that may arise. Simply read the codes at the points that they are oered. If you are not
familiar with using these healing codes, you can request a client manual from Quantum Techniques
that will instruct you on how to use them.
Table of Contents
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Copyright 2006 Quantum Techniques, LLC 1
...And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors...
Te Lords Prayer
Forgiveness, with love as its companion, is rooted in our deepest spiritual beliefs and dreams of a world
united in peace. It rests in the promise of a divine love that is unconditional and will pardon our sins.
Forgiveness. e word is so and yielding, and yet it contains a power reserved for mystical healing
and the making of miracles. It is also a practical choice for anyone who wishes to be free of the past and
hopes for a brighter future. I invite you to explore the many aspects of forgiveness along with numerous
techniques, should you choose to forgive. e sources for this material are many and varied. Some come
from lessons learned during more than twenty-ve years of working with people, the original sources long
since forgotten. Others are from writings that are referenced throughout the material and at the end, in a
section of recommended readings.
ere is much written about forgiveness both as a subject all its own and as an important piece of other
processes. For some, forgiveness is a moral obligation, a directive from God; for others, it is simply part of
being a decent person. e desire to be free of the imprisoning pain of the past motivates many to forgive.
In Inner Peace for Busy People, Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., speaks of forgiveness not as something you do for
another person. It is about setting yourself free and nding peace, the mercy you give to yourself. Being
Jewish, Dr. Borysenko struggled with forgiving the Nazis and was only able to be free by visiting Germany
and gaining a deeper understanding of the people. en she was able to let go of the cords of judgment
that were still binding her to the past. She recommends taking a fearless inventory of your regrets and
resentments, and whenever possible, without hurting anyone, making amends.
Dr. Borysenkos recommendations sound much like a combination of the fourth and ninth steps of e
12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. e 12 Steps are an important part of recovery for many people
struggling with addictions and make several references to things like human error, shortcomings and
making amends. Although the word forgiveness is not used, the ability is woven into the statements.
Learning to let go of anger and resentment, part of the denition of forgiveness, is a powerful tool in the
process of recovery. e Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous also recommends a daily review, asking to see if
anyone is owed an apology as well as asking for forgiveness.
In Te Power of Intention, Wayne Dyer, Ph.D., recommends holding thoughts of forgiveness in your mind
as frequently as possible as part of a mini-program for raising your energy vibrations. He reports that in
muscle testing, when you hold a thought of revenge, you will go weak; while a thought of forgiveness
keeps you strong. His aim is raise your energy to a level of Spirit and notes that revenge, anger and hatred
are exceedingly low energies that keep you from matching up with the attributes of this universal spirit.
e faster, higher energies are associated with expressions of things like healing, love, kindness, health,
abundance, beauty, compassion... and part of Dr. Dyers book is devoted to dealing with obstacles to
connecting to this powerful force called intention, with forgiveness as a mitigating factor.
In the section on How to Enhance Your healing, Te Client Manual for Quantum Techniques
recommends to clients, Be willing to do your forgiveness work. e authors, Stephen Daniel, Ph.D.
and Beth Daniel, M.A., note that it is critical to free yourself from the pain of the past, as your body and
unconscious do not know that the images you play in your head are just memories. To your body, they are
just as real as if they are happening right now, so if you are locked in pain and anger with someone from
your past, you are still living that experience. As long as we are unable to forgive ourselves and others, we
will carry all of our unhealed traumas in our bodies. e Daniels also go on to say that repeatedly running
a negative emotional scenario in you mind lays down a neural net, a hard-wired connection to that trauma
and negative emotion that puts your cells in a profound ight or ght response. When these cells divide,
they code more cell receptors for fear, anger, rage, etc. and leave fewer receptor sites for taking in food,
oxygen and completely healthy cell functions. As you heal and release the past, you have the ability to
stop the creation of the next generation of cell receptors for anger, rage, fear...
And nally, for someone like Marianne Williamson, who sees a world of one mind, when a deep peace
is cultivated anywhere, it is a blessing on people everywhere. She speaks of love and forgiveness as our
mission and how we can see every problem as an opportunity to do so. Each event then becomes part of
a divine curriculum set up by God for our growth and healing, with every situation ultimately a lesson in
forgiveness. Whether your motivation to forgive comes from a moral obligation, freedom from the past,
an attempt to heal the world or any reason that moves you, this exploration is meant to assist you along
your path of healing.
Forgiveness is Gods invention for coming to terms with a world in which,
despite their best intentions, people are unfair to each other and hurt each
other deeply. He began by forgiving us. And he invites us all to forgive each
other.
Lewis B. Smedes Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Dont Deserve
What is Forgiveness?
To forgive: to give up resentment against or the desire to punish...Websters New World Dictionary. e
dictionary gives us a pretty straightforward, easy to understand denition. However, if forgiveness is
so straightforward, why are more people not rushing to do it? Why do resentments run so deep, last so
long and destroy so many? Maybe forgiveness is not as straightforward as it seems. Even among those
who write of forgiveness, there is disagreement on the details. What follows are some guidelines to help
sort out what forgiveness is and is not. ese come mainly from the work of Sidney B. Simon, Ph.D.,
and Suzanne Simon in their book, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on With Your
Life and Fred Luskin, Ph.D., author of Forgive for Good and the Director and Cofounder of the Stanford
University Forgiveness Project.
x Forgiveness is the peace you learn to feel when you resolve your grievances. It is the gi at the
end of the healing process. However, it can also begin a process or be a by-product of ongoing
healing.
x Forgiveness is for you and not the oender. It is an internal process that is a feeling of wellness,
freedom and acceptance.
x Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you. It is accepting that
nothing we do to punish them will heal us. It is no longer wanting them to suer as much as we
did.
x Forgiveness is taking back your power and becoming a hero instead of a victim. It is no longer
building your identity around something that happened in the past. It is recognizing that we
no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity.
x Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings. You may still remember what happened,
but you can let go of the intense emotions attached to incidents of the past.
x Forgiveness is a choice. You can claim the right to stop hurting and to stop being hurt by events
that were unfair in the rst place.
x Forgiveness is moving on. It is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed
by harboring resentments and nursing unhealed wounds. It is breaking the cycle of abuse.
In addition to dening what forgiveness is, it is also helpful to look at what it is not. It is in what
forgiveness is not that you oen nd confusion and assumptions that prevent people from actually doing
it.
x Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened. By forgiving the people who
hurt you, you do not erase painful past experiences from your memory. ose experiences have
a great deal to teach you, both about not being victimized again and about not victimizing
others.
x Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness. By forgiving the people who hurt you, you are
not saying that what was done was acceptable or unimportant. It is not about excusing poor
behavior.
x Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt. It does not mean you give up having
feelings. e injuries and injustices you experienced were painful and unfair when they
originally occurred. You can retain your ability to be angry but use it more wisely.
x Forgiveness is not absolution. e people you forgive are not absolved of all responsibility for
their actions. ey are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace with
the past.
x Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the oender. ere may be reasons apart from the
forgiven oence for which you do not wish to reconcile. Reconciliation is a choice. However,
it is nearly impossible to reconcile with someone you have not forgiven.
x Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. No matter how sincerely we want to let go of
the past and move on with our life, forgiveness cannot be forced. It is what happens naturally as
a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.
Forgiveness is something you do for you. It is working through unnished business so that you can put
the pieces of your life back together and move forward. Forgiveness helps you control your emotions
so that you can maintain good judgment. Precious energy is not wasted on anger and hurt over things
about which you can do nothing. Forgiveness acknowledges that you cannot change the past. Has
anyone oered you an apology that actually relieved your pain? I am reminded of a quote I heard years
ago during a lecture on Psychotherapy with Children by Richard Gardner, M.D., Doing and undoing is
not the same as never having done. While an apology from someone might help you move forward with
that person, you are the one who has to heal the wounds and make peace with yourself. e Simons state
it very elegantly, You forgive so that you can nally get rid of the excess emotional baggage that has been
weighing you down and holding you back; so you can be free to do and be whatever you decide instead of
stumbling along according to the script painful past experiences wrote for you.
Forgiveness is the bane of my existence.
Why wont you forgive?
Because then I would have to change...
Recent conversation with a friend
Obstacles to Forgiveness
One of the oen overlooked obstacles to forgiveness is that people do not know how to do it. In
part, this is what prompted me to write about forgiveness at this time. In my work with people and in
conversations with friends, I realized that forgiveness is missing from many peoples repertoires for dealing
with situations. I also realized that part of the reason it is not there, is that they simply do not know how.
I was surprised to hear people speak of an event that still haunted them on which they had done a great
deal of work, never considering that maybe forgiving themselves or someone else would end it for good.
A variety of techniques for the actual doing of forgiveness is oered in the second part of this material.
Now, we will consider some obstacles other than not knowing how.
x e belief that only God can forgive. You may not feel that you have the authority to forgive
yourself or others.
x e belief that forgiveness is weak. It is seen as giving in, giving up or admitting defeat.
x e belief that forgiveness somehow condones the persons behavior. You may fear that the
bad guys will get away with what they have done without having to suer the consequences.
x e belief that the oender deserves to be punished and that not forgiving him or her is the best
way to do it.
x e fear that forgiveness will lead to forgetting, which will lead to further victimization.
x e fear that forgiveness will leave you vulnerable. You may be using anger, bitterness and
resentment as a barrier to protect you from pain and self-doubt. It may be the only way you
know to keep distance between you and the person you will not forgive.
x e fear that forgiveness will force you to relive unpleasant experiences and admit that you
really were hurt.
x e fear that forgiveness will lead to reconciliation. Withholding forgiveness protects you from
ever having to see the person again.
x Withholding forgiveness can give you a sense of power and control over someone who has hurt
you. It is way of keeping you safe.
x You do not believe there is anything to forgive.
inking that there is nothing to forgive will stop you before you can even get started. Time dulls the
memories of the things you would like to forget as do all of the ways you try to numb the pain of the
past. It can be painful to remember, and some people are so afraid of the feelings they have shoved down,
that they will not even acknowledge their existence, storing them in some sort of Pandoras Box, better
le undisturbed. Others will not acknowledge their pain out of a sense of loyalty. ey want to protect
someone and do not want to admit that the same person they love also hurt them. e same thing applies
to forgiving yourself. You do not want to believe that you could be hurtful and take responsibility for
your impact on others. And yet, if you look closely at your relationships, you can see the eects of a lack
of forgiveness in the strained relationships, grudges, resentments or, most clearly, the relationships that no
longer exist because of not forgiving.
In Forgiveness: Te Greatest Healer of All, Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D., addresses the ego, that part of us
which interacts with the physical world, and states, ere is always a choice to be made: We can listen to
the voice of love or the voice of the ego. Since we need an ego to function in our physical existence, he
advises not to make it our enemy but also not to become attached to its advice. Because of its limitations,
the ego can become fearful and defensive, living in a state of guilt and shame and looks for others to
blame. Because its reach does not extend into the higher realms, the ego does not believe in forgiveness.
It is responsible for the beliefs and fears listed in the obstacles above. If you look more closely at the list,
you can see how several are trying to protect you from pain and further victimization. And because the
egos perspective is limited, that makes sense. e problem is that a lack of forgiveness also protects you
from love, something the ego knows little about. Dr. Jampolsky advises readers to become acquainted
with the egos messages so that you can recognize them when they come into your thoughts. en you
can choose whose voice you are going to listen to, the egos or the voice of love, the voice of forgiveness.
In its separateness, the ego is always comparing you to others, judging and holding the loser in contempt.
It holds rigid beliefs about good and bad, right and wrong, oen formed in childhood and not allowed to
mature. ese beliefs are reected in the obstacles that label others as bad and deserving of punishment.
I am not speaking of assessment or evaluation, which are necessary for healthy living. I am referring to a
frightened state of mind that feels cut o and labels and criticizes anything that is dierent and outside of
its realm of understanding. Its only recourse is to condemn and blame. Mistakes are viewed as something
in need of punishment, not forgiveness.
In addition, if you experience high levels of shame, you will have a very dicult time taking responsibility
for your behavior. Shame separates you from yourself. You no longer experience yourself as someone who
can make mistakes. You are a mistake. is can lead to strong states of denial that you have anything for
which to forgive yourself. To admit that you made a mistake brings you too close to the shame and the
belief that you are in some way damaged with no way out. You feel isolated from the rest of humanity,
and in your isolation, forgiveness is not an option for you or anyone else, setting the stage for blame.
For those who believe that external reality is shaped and inuenced by their inner reality, self-blame can
be confused with taking responsibility for their lives. ey sense that on a deep spiritual level, they are
choosing certain circumstances and experiences that contribute to their growth and development. While
they are reluctant to blame others for these events, they may engage in self-recrimination, which is equally
damaging. In Te Path of Transformation, Shakti Gawain discusses the importance of recognizing the
dierence between blame and responsibility for those who see reality as the mirror of consciousness.
Blame discourages us from moving forward, whether we are blaming others or ourselves. It is based on
the negative assumption that something wrong or bad is happening and that someone is in error, while
taking responsibility requires us to look at every situation as a valuable learning experience. Taking
responsibility involves becoming conscious of our own patterns to see what we have created, learning and
moving on. We may also need to heal our emotional wounds, change our beliefs and forgive ourselves.
Blaming others is not the same as holding them accountable for their actions. Blaming someone else
for your continued pain keeps you stuck in a relationship with someone who hurt you, prolonging not
only the pain but your sense of helplessness. In Forgive for Good, Dr. Luskin uses the metaphor of a
house, asking people to consider how much space in their minds they are renting to their wounds and
grievances. How much time is spent thinking about hurts and disappointments? e situation could
have occurred many years before, and yet some will tell it as though it happened just yesterday. is is not
the same thing as recalling an event with the intent to release it. It is rehashing the details and keeping it
alive in the present. Not only does this keep you in the role of victim, your grievances take up too much
space and make it harder for you to appreciate the things in your life that are wonderful. is is one
of the damaging consequences of holding on to old pain and not releasing it through forgiveness. e
space it is taking in your life leaves little room for all that you have to be grateful for, all of the beauty, the
wonder and love.
uantum Techniques Healing Code for Obstacles to Forgiveness
un, g50, sh, g50, sh, eb, e, g50, sh, if, e, mf, lf, liv, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, if, oe, a, c, 9g, un, sh, un,
standard chakra pattern #2 two times. Say code with palms together.
Te one who pursues revenge should dig two graves.
Old Chinese Proverb
e Consequences of Not Forgiving
In Anatomy of the Spirit, Caroline Myss, Ph.D., calls the inability to forgive oneself or another person
the strongest poison to the human spirit, poisoning our own physical and spiritual systems and disabling
our emotional resources. She sees forgiveness as a complex action of consciousness that liberates us from
the need for personal vengeance, the perception of oneself as a victim and the control that perception
has over our psyches. Staying in the role of victim, with its feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, is
one of the most damaging consequences of not forgiving. It is ironic that not forgiving brings about the
consequence that many fear will happen if they do forgive, remaining a victim. When you stay in the
role of a victim, you bring about the very things you are trying to avoid rejection, abandonment and
criticism, being lied to and pushed around. is is crushing to your self-esteem and further entrenches
beliefs of not being good enough and being undeserving, causing you to isolate yourself and reject the
people and advice that could be helpful to move you out of this role.
is can lead to what the Simons call systemic suicide, where you do not take care of yourself and,
believing that you are helpless, do nothing to improve the quality of your life. Oen you will make
matters worse by abusing substances, overeating, driving away supportive people, not exercising, etc...
keeping your energy level low, causing more feelings of guilt and shame and creating new problems
to handle. In this state, you cause damage to others as well. If, as a parent, you are obsessed with your
role as a victim and your own pain, you will not be able to live up to your responsibilities to your
children. e same applies to all of the relationships in your life. Even worse than simply neglecting your
responsibilities is turning your stored anger and resentment on those around you, continuing the cycle
of victimhood with you becoming the oender. If you take a close look at the person who hurt you, you
will oen nd someone, like yourself, who did not heal his or her pain and, instead, passed in on to you in
the form in which you were hurt. While that does not justify what was done, it highlights what happens
when we do not heal ourselves and forgive so that the cycle can be ended, and we can move on.
Some recent work with a client might help to illustrate the damaging eects on others when a person will
not forgive. In this case, my client needed to forgive himself.
My client was molested by an older cousin at the age of 5. At 20, he
knew that his cousin was to blame for the incident but also blamed
himself as a young boy for allowing something like that to happen. He
was unable to release the boy until I suggested an exercise to forgive him.
Aer doing it a couple of times, not only was he able to feel compassion
for himself at that age, but he was also able to relate better to his younger
brother. My client has a younger bother who is not much older than he
was at the time of the molest. Because he could not accept himself at
that age, he also rejected any kind of relationship with his brother, who
very much wanted to be included in his life. Aer forgiving himself and
beginning to care about himself as a young boy, my client was able to see
his brother in a new light and wanted to have a relationship with him.
It is important to put the role of victim in perspective. As a protective measure, people oen deny that
they were hurt. is can be for many reasons. Sometimes, it is to help them cope with feelings they are
afraid will overwhelm them or circumstances they are not prepared to handle. Sometimes, it is because
of the fear that the experience will reveal some kind of fundamental aw and that others will see them as
damaged goods. Sometimes, they simply do not want to believe the experience could have happened at
all. Unfortunately, if they continue to deny that anything happened to them, what began as something
to help them survive a painful circumstance can end up hurting them. If they stay there too long, denial
becomes a dead-end street, leading them nowhere. Oen people will then move into a state of blaming
themselves, looking for reasons for the hurtful behavior of others by assuming full responsibility. In this
state, they are holding themselves accountable for others actions, absolving them of all responsibility.
While this is at least acknowledging that something hurtful did happen and does provide an explanation
and a certain sense of control, people can become stuck, trying to x everything by xing themselves and
never feeling good enough.
e role of victim requires that you give up the illusion of power and control you got from blaming
yourself. It is the acknowledgement that you were not able to prevent the hurt from happening, that
you were powerless to stop it and at the mercy of the people who hurt you. is can leave you feeling
very helpless, but it also opens the door to begin taking care of the hurt inner child, who you have been
punishing while blaming yourself. Feeling like a victim is a stage of healing that allows you to place
responsibility where it belongs, tend to your wounds and rebuild your self-esteem. However, it is not
a place where you were meant to remain, wallowing in self-pity and engaging in behaviors that are
destructive to you or others.
Another of the consequences of not forgiving is that you stay angry and resentful. To remain angry with
someone, you must continue to recall how that person hurt you. is takes time and energy as you stew
in your painful past experiences. e person may no longer be doing anything to hurt you or even be in
your life. You become the one who is keeping the pain alive, injuring yourself with each hurtful memory.
You may think that you are punishing the person for his or her wrong-doing, when, in fact, you are simply
willing yourself to feel the hurt over and over again. And, like the person trapped in the role of victim,
when you are harboring resentment, you are hurting those around you. Anyone who comes near you
also suers from your bitterness. is can have long term negative eects on relationships in every part
of your life. To protect themselves from your rage, others maintain a distance, leaving you even more
isolated in your pain.
Holding onto anger is detrimental to your health. In Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process
for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, Robert D. Enright, Ph.D., cites studies showing a connection
between hostility, high blood pressure and heart disease. Chronic negative emotions such as bitterness
and hostility can also compromise your immune system, increasing the risk of cancer or infectious
diseases. Dr. Luskin, who sees blame at the core of holding a grudge, reports on studies showing that
people who evidence higher degrees of blame suer more from a variety of illnesses, that anger and
hostility are harmful to cardiovascular health and that people who have diculty managing anger have
higher rates of heart disease and suer more heart attacks. Dr. Luskin has conducted four studies that
prove the positive eects of learning to forgive, showing positive results in psychological and emotional
well-being. He states that people who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less
depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more condent and learn to like themselves more. He also found
that people with higher capacities for forgiveness reported fewer medically diagnosed chronic conditions.
Dr. Jampolsky asks us to very carefully consider the side eects of holding unforgiving thoughts in our
minds and the negative impact they can have on our well-being. Among the many problems associated
with an unforgiving mind, he lists the following:
x Headaches
x Backaches
x Pains in the neck
x Stomachaches and ulcer-like symptoms
x Depression
x Lack of energy
x Anxiety
x Irritability
x Tenseness and being on edge
x Insomnia and restlessness
x Free-oating fear (fear not attached to any particular event)
x Unhappiness
Dr. Jampolsky makes the connection between the unforgiving mind and the ego, whose thought system
is based on fear, guilt and blame. e ego does not believe in forgiveness, ours or anyone elses. e ego
believes that we must constantly defend ourselves and will try to convince us that the only way to protect
ourselves from further harm is to punish the other person with our anger and hatred, withdrawing from
them so that they will feel bad for what they have done. In its shame, the ego views mistakes as sins that
should never be forgotten and would have us believe that God is truly wrathful. is connection with
the ego keeps us from maturing as we cling to childhood beliefs. Carolyn Myss, who sees forgiveness as
a spiritual act, speaks of the wounded child, who sees the Divine as operating a reward and punishment
system, with humanly logical explanations for all painful experiences, not understanding the spiritual
insights that lie within all experience, no matter how painful.
And nally, the lack of forgiveness binds you to the person who hurt you. In Te Sermon On the Mount,
Emmet Fox makes a compelling case for setting yourself free by setting others free. He speaks of a Cosmic
Truth that it takes two to make a prisoner; the prisoner and the jailer and that the jailer is as much a
prisoner as his charge, bound to the person by a mental chain. Resentment is the link, the tie of hatred
that must be cut by a clear and spiritual act of forgiveness. By forgiveness, you set yourself free. is idea
is echoed by others, and it does not take much reection to see the truth in it. In your resentment and
obsession with the person who hurt you, you are keeping him or her with you all of the time: Standing
between you and every other relationship; involved in every activity, from the broadest to the most
intimate, coloring your perception and tainting your reality. Once again, the irony is that by not forgiving
and releasing the person who hurt you, you imprison yourself through continued contact and the damage
that ensues.
From ending the role of victim to improving your emotional and physical health to ending your self-
imposed imprisonment, forgiveness oers us many benets. While it does not change the past, it can
change the present. It can bring about a sense of peace in the present that allows you to suer less even
though you have been wounded. It allows you to take things less personally, taking responsibility for how
you feel and becoming a part of the solution. While it can help the person whom you are forgiving, it is
primarily for you. Forgiveness can set you free.
In a way, forgiving is only for the brave. It is for those people who are willing
to conont their pain, accept themselves as permanently changed, and make
dipcult choices. Countless individuals are satised to go on resenting and
hating people who wrong them. Tey stew in their own inner poisons and
even contaminate those around them. Forgivers, on the other hand, are not
content to be stuck in a quagmire. Tey reject the possibility that the rest
of their lives will be determined by the unjust and injurious acts of another
person.
Beverly Flanigan Forgiving the Unforgivable:
Overcoming the Legacy of Intimate Wounds
Who to Forgive
In You Can Heal Your Life, metaphysical counselor and healer, Louise Hay recommends forgiving
ourselves and others as a way of releasing ourselves from the past. She quotes Te Course in Miracles in
saying that forgiveness is the answer to almost everything and that when we are stuck, it usually means
that there is some more forgiving to be done. We can be holding onto regret, sadness, hurt, fear, guilt,
blame, anger, resentment or the desire for revenge. Dr. Hay suggests an exercise for dissolving resentment
that will be presented later in the techniques section of this work and recommends doing it once a day for
a month. Dr. Dyer recommends that, as frequently as possible, we hold thoughts of forgiveness toward
anyone who may have angered us in the past. But who are we supposed to forgive?
If something that once hurt you still aects you in any way, it is a hurt that needs to be healed, and part of
that healing may involve forgiveness. You begin by admitting that you were hurt. Toward that end, the
Simons review the top eight hurts and ways these types of pain from the past are carried into the future:
x Disappointment not getting something that you want, are looking forward to or expect.
Unfullled wishes, dashed hopes and unmet expectations can make you mistrustful of others.
x Rejection the severing of a tie that is meaningful to you that creates loss of love, friendship or
something else you wanted to get or would have preferred to keep. It carries with it the implicit
message that you are not good enough, a message that replays in your mind, keeping alive the
memory of rejection and the pain it caused.
x Abandonment the severing of an emotional bond between you and an important person in
your life. is wound leaves you with pervasive feelings of self-doubt and the feeling that you
are somehow unlovable, worthless or decient.
x Ridicule the act of making someone the object of scornful laughter. Being made fun of
lingers long aer the original act and can lead you to mock yourself and/or keep others at a
distance so they cannot hurt you.
x Humiliation the loss of pride and dignity by an attack on something you have done or an
integral facet of who you are. Much like someone who has been ridiculed, you build defenses to
keep people from getting close enough to, in any way, hurt you again.
x Betrayal the breaking of a bond of trust that is so painful that some people never recover,
refusing ever to trust anyone again.
x Deception lies that damage your ability to trust. When you are deceived and lied to, you nd
it dicult not only to trust others, but to trust your own judgment as well.
x Abuse this can involve any type of child abuse or domestic violence, leaving you with physical
and/or emotional scars. Your sense of trust is shattered, your self-esteem is damaged and you
live with the enormous burden of guilt and shame.
ese hurts and their damaging eects can be clues to who you need to forgive. Your physical and
emotional reactions to the memories of painful events are indicators that there is something that needs to
be healed and forgiven. Telling yourself that your reaction is silly or that it will go away on its own does
not help. ese events continue to aect the quality of your life.
Once you recognize that you have been hurt, you can look at who was responsible. e Simons propose
the following to consider:
x Parents*
x Lovers
x Spouses (former and current)
x Children
x Stepchildren
x Brothers and sisters
x Grandparents
x Friends
x Co-workers
x Employers
x God
x Teachers
x Ministers
x Peers and playmates
x People of the opposite sex
x People of other races and religions
x Strangers
x Systems (schools, government, criminal justice system...)
x Ourselves
*e wounds inicted by parents seem to carry the most weight, because oen your very survival was
threatened, jeopardizing your sense of trust, safety, security and self-worth. In addition, these were the
most inuential role models of your life, and what you learned from them became the foundation for all
of your future attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. And nally, when your parents hurt you, you recognized
instinctively that something was wrong. Because you did not want to believe it, you quickly absolved
them and blamed yourself, setting the stage for a style of adaptation that you may still use today.
Self-forgiveness
Although a part of Who to Forgive, self-forgiveness deserves special consideration. It is oen an over-
looked piece of forgiveness that can be of tremendous benet, as was the case with my client who was
mentioned earlier. Not only did his ability to forgive himself open doors to greater understanding and
awareness, it allowed him to begin to build a relationship with his little brother, something he may not
have been able to do otherwise. Much of what has been said about forgiving others applies to forgiving
yourself. Self-forgiveness is about putting an end to the self-punishment you may have inicted over
the years for things you have or have not done. It is letting go of the intense feelings attached to these
situations. It is claiming the right to stop hurting yourself and move on. It is letting go of your self-hatred
and self-pity. Self-forgiveness is not about forgetting about the past or excusing bad behavior. It is not
about absolving yourself. It is about taking responsibility, healing and changing.
Self-forgiveness departs from forgiving someone else in one important way in that it is about
reconciliation. When you forgive someone else, reconciliation is a choice you may not want to make.
An important piece of forgiving yourself, however, is to integrate those previously unacceptable aspects
of you so that you can love and accept all of you. In the Parts Teory and Treatment Protocol, Stephen
Daniel, Ph.D. and Beth Daniel, M.A., stress that you cannot bring healing to any part of yourself with
whom you cannot love, respect and communicate and presents the treatment protocol as a method for
reuniting the dissociated parts of yourself into a team for healing. e Daniels assert that the unconscious
creates internal parts, or heroes, to manage trauma, allowing you to survive the unsurvivable. ese
internal heroes split o, wrapping themselves around the pain to contain the emotional trauma so that
you can continue to live your life. Problems occur as dissociation becomes the preferred way of dealing
with stressful situations, and you lose conscious awareness of the internal parts. e development of these
parts is arrested at the age that the trauma occurred, containing beliefs and emotions that may not t with
your present-day reality. It is necessary to address these parts to heal their pain, allowing them to mature
and release their function so that you can heal as a whole. Unaddressed and unhealed, they can block
your healing, which is oen the case when you have a chronic non-healing illness.
Shakti Gawain explains some of the inconsistencies and inner conicts in our personalities as a product
of the development of subpersonalities, each having its own desires and needs. e process of growth
involves getting to know these inner selves and bringing them into balance and integration in our
personalities. Ms. Gawain asserts that at the core lies our essential spiritual being, with layers growing
around that core as we experience the world. As the child grows, behaviors that bring approval and
reward are incorporated into the personality, while energies and expressions that produce disapproval
are repressed and do not become an obvious part of the outward personality. However, while they
may go underground, they do not necessarily go away. ey remain undeveloped and may pop out at
unguarded moments. However, you cannot get rid of any part of you. Denial and repression will only
cause problems in your life, and continuing to disown and repress these shadow selves can eventually
lead to emotional and physical illness. Ms. Gawain explains the importance of loving, understanding and
appreciating each part of your personality, bringing your selves into balance and giving each its rightful
place in your life.
Forgiving these parts or aspects of your personality may be an important part of your healing.
Dissociating or disowning them does not destroy them, and they may appear at inappropriate times,
ooding you with emotions that do not t with situation, beliefs that you know better than to have or
behaviors that are self-sabotaging or in some way trip you up. Any of the categories of hurt for which
others need to be forgiven can also be self-inicted: e disappointment you feel when you do not
meet your own expectations; rejecting yourself when you tell yourself repeatedly that you are not good
enough; abandoning yourself to continually meet the needs of others; the ridicule and humiliation you
feel when you mock yourself; the betrayal and deception of lying to yourself or the self-abuse of any type
of addiction, be it a chemical or a relationship. Any of these can be the result of an unacknowledged part
or a conscious choice, and each needs to be forgiven and healed.
Dr. Luskin breaks self-forgiveness into four categories:
x Failing at one of lifes important tasks graduating from college, getting married, having
children...
x Not taking action to help yourself or someone else
x Hurting someone else
x Self-destructive acts
ese categories can overlap; you could be upset with yourself for your alcohol abuse and the impact
it had on someone else. Self-forgiveness can also be an aspect of interpersonal forgiveness. While you
can be upset with someone else for hurting you in some way, you can also be upset with yourself for the
part you may have played in the situation. And both can be forgiven. One of the important points to
remember about forgiveness is that it sets you free. Learning to forgive yourself gives you the freedom to
heal and move on. It is a tool that allows you to become more and more aware of yourself without the
fear of becoming overwhelmed with what you might nd. Once my client became comfortable with the
process of forgiving himself, he began looking for aspects of him to forgive, no longer terried that he
would not be able to face what he might nd. And lifes stresses will give you plenty of opportunities to
forgive yourself. A personal example...
I was nineteen years old on the last day I saw my mother conscious. It
was a Friday evening, and I had dropped by the hospital, impatient to
go out with my friends. is was at least her h hospitalization over
the past year, since her cancer had been diagnosed as terminal. I had
stayed near her as much as possible during that time, which meant that I
witnessed her decline daily, the cancer taking her life force, leaving behind
a shell of a person where my once-vibrant mother had been. Despite the
toll it was taking on me, I stayed close, because I knew that my time with
her was running out. So it was unusual for me to be in such a hurry and
to cut my visit short. I guess there was only so much I could take before
needing to escape into some kind of normal teenage life. Sometime
during the night, she slipped into a coma and died within the next week.
I didnt say much to her that last night. I didnt know that it was my last
chance.
No one else would fault me what I did. I would not fault anyone else who told me that story. But I was
haunted by guilt for years over my actions that night. Also, the decision to consider my needs rst and
the result of doing that, set in stone a belief of not being deserving and a pattern of self-denial. e stress
of my mothers illness on our family brought to light everyones limitations, something a teenager does
not want to confront. And in the end, that is what I needed to forgive myself and others for, having limits.
At a deeper level, I knew that I could not say good-by to her. Neither my mother nor I expressed our love
openly, and, knowing who we both were, I cannot imagine either of us breaking that pattern on that night.
All I could do was walk away and, years later, learn to forgive.
Learning to forgive yourself is an important step in learning to become a forgiving person. ere are
those who believe that you cannot forgive another until you have learned self-forgiveness. We all make
mistakes, bad decisions and act on poor information. Sometimes we are prepared, and sometimes we are
not. You can use the techniques to forgive yourself or someone else. In both cases, the motivation is to
heal and to create the best life you can, for yourself and those you love.
uantum Techniques Healing Code for Who to Forgive
sh, eb, g50, sh, g50, sh, eb, e, g50, sh, if, lf, e, mf, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, g50, sh, eb, e, g50, sh, if, e, mf, lf, third
eye, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, if, oe, a, c, 9g, un, sh, un, standard chakra pattern #1 two times. Hold ngertips
over the heart.
Te best way to have the last word is to apologize.
Seen on a church marquee
Apology
Before looking at the dierent techniques to forgive, I want to take a moment to consider the apology.
An apology is used when you need to ask someone to forgive you. It is taking responsibility for your
actions and the hurt that you have caused another. It is a way of saying that you care about the pain you
have caused and will not do it again. If you know you have hurt someone you care about and do not
apologize, you feel guilty and bad about yourself. Apologizing allows you to restore your self-respect as
well as conveying respect for the person to whom you oer the apology. It allows you to begin to repair
the damage and move closer to the person. Apologizing is something you need to learn how to do. A
personal example:
I dont remember either of my parents ever apologizing to me. Was it
because they didnt do anything wrong? All parents make mistakes, and
mine were no exception. When I was a teen-ager, my mother asked to
borrow a pair of gloves, and I said, No. ere was no good reason for
my refusal. She let me borrow her clothes many times and seldom asked
for anything of mine. Denying her may have been my way of expressing
anger over something completely unrelated. I no longer remember.
What I do remember was the look on her face. She looked stunned and
hurt. I was shocked by her response and felt deeply ashamed. I said
nothing as she turned and le my bedroom. Up to een years later,
whenever I recalled that incident, I could still see her face and feel the
pangs of guilt over hurting her. I never apologized. She died before I
learned how.
My inability to apologize for hurting my mother le me with guilt that lasted for years. I was frozen in
the moment, not knowing what to do or how to do it, le with the shame of hurting her. Blaming my
parents for not knowing how would only prolong the issue and would not provide any real comfort. I
needed to learn to apologize. So, how do you apologize? In How Can I Forgive You? Janice Abrahms
Spring, Ph.D. and Michael Spring oer guidelines on what makes a good apology:
x Take responsibility for the damage you caused you admit that you injured the person and for
that you are sorry.
x Make your apology personal rather than a general statement about doing something wrong,
you admit that you did it to him or her.
x Made your apology specic you capture exactly what you are sorry for, how you hurt the other
person.
x Make your apology deep rather than being content with easy admissions, tell the truth about
what you have done.
x Make your apology heartfelt to be genuinely forgiven, your remorse must be real.
x Made your apology clean you apologize in a way that is straightforward and uncomplicated,
without accusing the other person in the process.
ese guidelines are to help you be successful, should you need to apologize and keep you from oering
bad apologies, where you do not take responsibility, discount the injury or act put-out that you even have
to apologize. When you want to be forgiven, apologizing is a place to start. Whether someone forgives
you or not is up to him or her, but a heartfelt apology is a way to begin.
Sometimes forgiving was easy for me; sometimes forgiving was a very bold
choice. Whatever kind of choice it was, it always led me to a more peaceful
heart. It always le me happier and ee to move on to create healthier
relationships with others and with myself.
Robin Casarjian Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart
How to Forgive
is section includes a variety of ways to forgive, ranging from straightforward and practical to more
complex and involved. One is not more right than another. Depending on what you would like to
forgive, one may serve you better than the others. You may also wish to take pieces of a few and combine
them or adapt the technique to t a specic circumstance. It is entirely up to you. If you are not sure
where to begin, scan the material already presented to see if anything catches your attention. You can
also test, using one of the uantum Techniques self-testing methods to, not only nd a starting place,
but also to choose the most appropriate forgiveness technique to use. Some of the techniques have been
taken from more involved processes. e source for each of the techniques is mentioned and referenced
at the end of the material if you would like more information. e techniques are not presented in any
particular order. If the technique might be helpful for something specic, however, that will be noted.
Dissolving Resentment
From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
ere is an old Emmet Fox exercise for dissolving resentment that always works. He recommends that
you sit quietly, close your eyes and allow your mind and body to relax. en imagine yourself sitting in
a darkened theatre, and in front of you is a small stage. On that stage place the person you resent the
most. It could be past or present, living or dead. When you see this person clearly, visualize good things
happening to this person. ings that would be meaningful to them. See them smiling and happy.
Hold this image for a few minutes, then let it fade away. I like to add another step. As they leave the
stage, put yourself up there. See good things happening to you. See yourself smiling and happy. Be aware
that the abundance of the Universe is available for all of us. (Dr. Hay recommends this exercise be done
once a day for a month)
Choosing to Forgive
From Forgiveness: Te Greatest Healer of All by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Dr. Jampolsky recommends that you be willing to turn all your grievances and what may seem to be
justied anger over to the highest truth in yourself a Higher Power, God or whatever name you apply in
speaking of your Source. en, your anger will be turned into love. It is your willingness to seek help from
this Higher Power that allows you to transform your anger into love.
x Decide that you are no longer going to suer from the boomerang epect of your unforgiving
thoughts.
x You may nd it helpful to write a letter to the person you wish to forgive. Express all of your
feelings, and then tear up the letter.
x You may nd it healing in the forgiveness process to write poetry. Put your thoughts and
feelings into intimate and well-expressed words.
x Be clear that your only goal is peace of mind, not changing or punishing the other person.
x Be willing to see this person who hurt you as one of your strongest teachers, giving you the
opportunity to really learn what forgiveness is all about.
x Remember that in the process of forgiving the other person, you are forgiving yourself.
x Begin to practice and nd the value of blessing and praying for the other person as well as
yourself.
x Remember that in forgiving, you are not agreeing with the other person or condoning their
hurtful behavior.
x Enjoy the happiness and peace that comes from forgiving.
Healing Vision
From Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on With Your life by Sidney B. Simon, Ph.D.
and Suzanne Simon.
e Simons recommend creating a healing vision to guide you and help move you in a direction that
is dierent from where you are. It can change with time and be used to motivate you to keep moving
forward as you work through the dierent aspects of forgiveness. A healing vision describes the attributes
you want to develop, how you hope to feel and what you want to be able to have and do as a result of
healing old wounds and completing unnished business. One of the ways they recommend for doing
this is to pretend that it is already two to ve years in the future and that you want to describe your life
circumstances to a friend with whom you have not been in contact for awhile. Write a letter to that
person, describing how well your life is going. is will give you an image of your destination that is
positive and meaningful to you and encourage you to do the work you need to do in order to get to it.
Forgiving
From Te Sermon On the Mount by Emmet Fox
e method of forgiving is this: Get by yourself and become quiet. Repeat any prayer or treatment
that appeals to you, or read a chapter of the Bible. en quietly say, I fully and freely forgive X
(mentioning the name of the oender); I loose him and let him go. I completely forgive the whole
business in question. As far as I am concerned, it is nished forever. I cast the burden of resentment
upon the Christ within me. He is free now, and I am free too. I wish him well in every phase of his life.
at incident is nished. e Christ Truth has set us both free. I thank God. ...aerward, whenever the
memory of the oender or the oense happens to come into your mind, bless the delinquent briey and
dismiss the thought. Do this, however many times the thought may come back. (is exercise could be
used with yourself or another)
Releasing Judgments
From Inner Peace for Busy People by Joan Z. Borysenko, Ph.D.
Dr. Borysenko reminds us that judgments are oen projections of something that we do not want to
acknowledge about ourselves. Instead, we see that quality in the people around us, and what bothers us
about other people is oen a reection of our own shadow, the disowned parts of our personality that we
judge and try to hide out of shame. Like our physical shadow, it follows us faithfully and will work to our
detriment until we are ready to see it, heal it and forgive it. Recognizing that what you are judging may be
an unacknowledged part of you might help you to better understand the person and release him or her in
the process.
Forgiving Yourself and Another
Dr. Jampolsky recommends an exercise where you imagine a garbage can into which you put all of
your anger and guilt (and any other emotions that might be present). Aer the garbage can is lled, ask
yourself if you are willing to let those feelings go. Are you willing to forgive yourself and the person who
hurt you? If you are ready, imagine that you have a giant helium balloon. You tie it to the can and let it
go. en watch the can rise slowly into the air, going higher and higher up into sky until it has completely
disappeared.
Prayers of Forgiveness
From Illuminata: A Return to Prayer by Marianne Williamson
e following are amends between men and women:
(Men to Women)
If I or any other man has ever done anything to hurt or oend you, and
for the manifold transgressions against women, you and every other, I
apologize.
Please forgive me and please forgive us.
If you have ever felt demeaned, uncherished, or your womanhood
betrayed in any way;
If I or any other man has failed to see the light of your sex and the
brilliance of your female spirit, on behalf of all of us, I am so sorry.
May the beauty of women and the power of women and the vision of
women now burst forth in our world and in our consciousness.
May the mind of man be healed.
May the heart of woman repair.
I commit to you and to God that I am, and shall be, a man who sees your
value.
I see your light.
God bless you and your sisters, our mothers and our daughters.
I shall teach my sons to honor you.
May we never go back.
Amen.
(Women to Men)
If I or any member of my sex has ever done anything to hurt you or oend
you or any man, please forgive me and please forgive us.
If your life as a man has been stunted or thwarted by any woman, I now
stand in her stead and apologize for me, for her, for all womankind.
May God give us a healed vision of what it means to be a man.
May men receive this healing.
May women receive this healing.
May we see your strength.
May we not emasculate.
May we honor your power and respect your mind.
I shall teach my daughters well.
May your past be healed, your future made new and strong.
May you reach your fullest joy.
Go with my love, and the love of all women, forever.
Amen.
oughts of Forgiveness
From Te Power of Intention by Wayne W. Dyer, Ph.D.
Dr. Dyer recommends holding thoughts of forgiveness in your mind as frequently as possible, stating
that a simple thought of forgiveness toward anyone who may have angered you in the past without any
action taken on your part will raise you to the level of Spirit and aid you in your individual intentions.
(is can be used to forgive yourself as well)
Retrieving Your Spirit From Yesterday
From Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss, Ph.D.
Evaluate what you need to do in order to forgive others and yourself, if necessary. Should you need
to contact anyone for a closure discussion, make sure that you are not carrying the message of blame as a
private agenda. If you are, you are not genuinely ready to let go and move on. Should you need to share
your closure thoughts in a letter to the person, do so, but again, make sure your intention is to retrieve
your spirit from yesterday, not to send yet another message of anger.
Finally, create an ocial ceremony for yourself in which you call your spirit back from your past and
release the negative inuence of all your wounds. Whether you prefer a ritual or a private prayer service,
enact your message of forgiveness in an ocial way in order to establish a new beginning.
Forgiving Yourself and Another
From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
is exercise is to be done with a partner, if possible, or stated out loud if you are alone. ...sit quietly
with your eyes closed and say, e person I need to forgive is ___________ and I forgive you for ______
_______.
Do this over and over. You will have many things to forgive some for and only one or two to forgive
others for. If you have a partner, let them say to you, ank you, I set you free now. If you do not, then
imagine the person you are forgiving saying it to you. Do this for at least ve or ten minutes. Search your
heart for the injustices you still carry. en let them go.
When you have cleared as much as you can for now, turn your attention to yourself. Say out loud
to yourself, I forgive myself for _____________. Do this for another ve minutes or so. ese are
powerful exercises and good to do at least once a week to clear our any remaining rubbish. (is can also
be used to forgive parts of yourself )
Personal Review
From Te Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selsh, dishonest or
afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with
another person at once? Were we kind and loving towards all? What could we have done better? Were
we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what
we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to dri into worry, remorse or morbid
reections, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. Aer making our review we ask Gods
forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
PERT Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique
From Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin, Ph.D.
is technique is oered to teach you how to maintain peace in any situation, no matter how upsetting.
It will help you sustain a positive focus when faced with a painful situation or memory so that you can
make good decisions.
When you are feeling the eects of an unresolved grievance or ongoing relationship problems:
1. Bring your attention fully to your stomach as you slowly draw in and out two deep breaths. As
you inhale, allow the air to gently push your belly out. As you exhale, consciously relax your belly
so that it feels so.
2. On the third full and deep exhalation, bring to your minds eye an image of someone you love or
of a beautiful scene in nature that lls you with awe and wonder. Oen people have a stronger
response when they imagine their positive feelings are centered in the area around their heart.
3. While practicing, continue with so belly breathing.
4. Ask the relaxed and peaceful part of you what you can do to resolve your diculty.
Practicing PERT is to help you remain in control of your emotions. With practice, the people who hurt
you can become less threatening. You take away their power to hurt you and replace it with increased self-
condence and calm.
Emptying Your Mind
From Teres a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer, Ph.D.
Dr. Dyer recommends emptying your mind as a way to rid yourself of all blame and angry thoughts
about what has transpired in the past. You empty your mind of your ego-driven thoughts, inviting
forgiveness into your heart and letting go of the lower energies of hatred, shame and revenge. ere is no
room for hanging on to who did what and when and how wrong they were. In this meditative or prayer
space, you relinquish your agenda and be open to what will inevitably come to you. You send a message
to your ego, which says, I am going to trust in the same power that moves the galaxies and creates a baby
rather than in my own self-indulgent assessments for how I would like things to be going right now. You
relinquish your thoughts to the power that spirit has to make things work and let go of any agenda that
interferes with the perfect expression of God within you.
Gaining Perspective
From Forgiveness Is a Choice by Robert D. Enright, Ph.D.
is technique involves writing a story of the person who hurt you to help you see the person with new
eyes. In writing the story, consider ve questions:
1. What was life like for him or her when growing up? Begin with the person as a child and try to
write about three or four events in the persons past. en describe his or her vulnerability that
seemed to ow from these diculties (do not confuse forgiveness with condoning or excusing.
e persons hardships should not become your hardships).
2. At the time of the oense, what was life like for the person? Try to imagine what the person was
thinking and feeling. Can you see any vulnerability here? In your opinion, might the persons
reactions at the time of the event be a spillover from childhood patterns (again, realize that
forgiving is not the same as condoning)?
3. Are you able to tell the story of your relationship with the person in a broader sense than the
oense itself ? Was it all bad, or are there any good images that come to mind? Try to describe
at least three incidents in which the person showed good judgment or strong character (these are
not substitutes for what happened to you). Write down your impressions of the ways in which
the oender is worse o now than you are as a result of the hurtful event. Here, you are trying to
see a person who genuinely is a person.
4. What is the person like in the global perspective? Try to see the oender as a member of
the human race, one who belongs on this earth, just as you do. Try to work with this global
perspective until you see the oender as fully human and deserving of respect because he or she is
human.
5. What is the person like when you take a cosmic perspective? e cosmic perspective focuses on
spiritual or religious outlooks. How does the Divine see the person on whom you are focusing?
What does your worldview have to say about redemption or how a person is transformed toward
the good in this life or enters into an aerlife? Can you see this person as a part of the Divine
Plan, as belonging to a wider group than your family, workplace or even global community of
those living on earth right now? Do you need help from the Divine to forgive this person?
Has answering these questions changed your view of the person? Is there work still needing to be done
to deepen and broaden your story of him or her? (is exercise could be used to gain perspective of your
own actions, also)
Inner Child Healing
Dr. Jampolsky reminds us that a fearful child who may still reside within you can be profoundly healed
and assured of your love through the forgiveness process. He recommends nding a baby picture of
yourself and a photo of yourself as a child. Put these photos on a mirror, your desk or wherever you will
see them oen and be reminded of them. Love the fearful child you see in these photos every day, and
you may nd that it becomes a more joyful and loving adult.
Prayer for Releasing Judgments
From Everyday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness, and Making Miracles by Marianne Williamson
We are not asked to be perfect, but to be honest to pray, Dear God, I have judgments about this
person, but I am willing to see the situation dierently. Please show me his innocence, so I will no longer
focus on his guilt. Please make this a lesson in love and not fear. Amen. (is prayer could be used to
release judgments you hold against yourself )
Forgiving
From Inner Peace for Busy People by Joan Z. Borysenko, Ph.D.
e following is an exercise in imagination:
Center in your breath and imagine that you are in a safe and sacred place where others could enter only
with your permission. en imagine asking the person you want to forgive or the person you hope might
forgive you into your sanctuary. Have a heart to heart talk with him or her, expressing how you feel
and listening for a response; or, if you want to be forgiven, listen to the other person and respond. (is
exercise can be used to forgive yourself at a younger age or a part of you that needs forgiveness)
Mercy
From Wisdom of the Ages: 60 Days to Enlightenment by Wayne W. Dyer, Ph.D.
Dr. Dyer reminds us that the quality of having mercy in our hearts to give away keeps us focused on
what we are for, rather than what we are against and recommends practicing the following:
x When you nd yourself facing a situation in which you are going to apportion justice, see the
two sides of your own personality very clearly. e one side is the king who has the power of
retribution; the other side is the mercy merchant who sends love and compassion rst and
foremost. By all means seek justice, but season it well with mercy.
x Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself
harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that place in
your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself.
x Once you have stated how you feel, and justice has been done, than let go. I mean let go now!
Dont hold on to grudges and use constant reminders to keep others in a state of guilt while
maintaining your own dissonance as well. Let it go.
x Turn your most troublesome disturbances over to God. Simply say, Dear God, I nd it so
extremely dicult to give mercy in this situation, and I am turning it over to you completely. I
know you will guide me in action in the most merciful and humane way. is action will free
you from your own immobilization and anger and help you to see the saint in the sinner, who
have just been exchanging notes with each other.
Oering Forgiveness
From Te Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox
Everybody should practice general forgiveness every day as a matter of course. When you say your
daily prayers, issue a general amnesty, forgiving everyone who may have injured you in any way, and on no
account particularize. Simply say: I freely forgive everyone. en in the course of the day, should the
thought of grievance or resentment come up, bless the oender briey and dismiss the thought.
Healing Visualization
From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
Have someone read this to you, if you can, or put it on tape and listen to it.
Begin to visualize yourself as a little child of ve or six. Look deeply into this little childs eyes. See the
longing that is there and realize that there is only one thing this little child wants from, and that is love.
So reach out your arms and embrace this child. Hold it with love and tenderness. Tell it how much you
love it, how much you care. Admire everything about this child and say that its okay to make mistakes
while learning. Promise that you will always be there no matter what. Now let this little child get very
small, until it is just the size to t into your heart. Put it there so whenever you look down you can see
this little face looking up at you and you can give it lots of love.
Now visualize your mother as a little girl of four or ve, frightened and looking for love and not
knowing where to nd it. Reach out your arms and hold this little girl and let her know how much you
love her, how much you care. Let her know she can rely on you to always be there, not matter what.
When she quiets down and begins to feel safe, let her get very small, just the size to t into your heart. Put
her there with your own little child. Let them give each other lots of love.
Now imagine your father as a little boy of three or four, frightened, crying and looking for love. See the
tears rolling down his little face as he doesnt know where to turn. You have become good at comforting
frightened little children, so reach out your arms and hold his trembling little body. Comfort him.
Croon to him. Let him feel how much you love him. Let him feel that you always be there for him.
When his tears are dry, and you feel the love and peace in his little body, let him get very small, just the
size to t into your heart. Put him there so those three little children can give each other lots of love and
you can love them all.
Releasing Grudges
From Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne W. Dyer, Ph.D.
Dr. Dyer advises to silently forgive everyone you think has wronged you in the past and vow not to keep
victimizing yourself with remembrances of evil or private vengeance thoughts that only hurt you. If
possible, write or phone someone you have refused to talk with and start afresh. He reminds that holding
old grudges only keeps you from enjoying many potentially rewarding experiences with people just
because they may once or twice have made mistakes that aected you and goes on to state that if you are
upset today by their past behavior, then they are still controlling you.
Changing Beliefs
Dr. Jampolsky states that to learn the value of forgiving, we need to let go of the egos belief that we must
nd someone to blame whenever something goes wrong. One of the ways of see the value of letting go of
self-condemnation and condemnation of others is to change how we think about who and what we are. If
we can adopt a willingness to look upon ourselves and each other as eternal spiritual beings, it becomes
much easier to see the value of forgiveness. A belief system based on fear rather than love is a big block
for forgiveness. is can begin to vanish if we can arm a willingness to see other people either as being
loving or as being fearful and giving a call of help for love. When you do this, you no longer interpret
other peoples behavior to determine if they are guilty or innocent. You stop seeing other people as
attacking but either as loving or as fearful and giving a call of help for love. (is can also be used with a
part of yourself )
Compassion Visualization
From Forgiveness is a Choice by Robert D. Enright, Ph.D.
e following is a guided imagery for developing compassion.
In a quiet place where you will not be disturbed, sit in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes and take a
few deep breaths. While relaxed, concentrate on your heart, its warmth, its sense of well-being. When
you are ready, think of a person with whom you have an excellent relationship, one that is free of deep
conict. Slowly bring him or her into your heart. You might want to think of an armative thought
such as I hope that (name him or her) has happiness and peace. What do you feel?
Repeat the exercise thinking of the one who has hurt you. When relaxed, focus on your heart and slowly
bring the person into your heart with a positive armation. Do not feel discouraged if the rst few times
you feel annoyance and not peace. is approach takes time to learn. You do not switch from feelings
of anger to ones of kindness and peace just because you tried this exercise a few times. However, in time,
taking the image of the person into your heart may lead to a new association, one of relaxation and warm
well-being, when thinking of him or her. (is can also be used with a part of yourself )
Forgiveness Armation
From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
An armation that sets you free:
I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.
uantum Techniques Healing Code for Forgiveness
e, eb, g50, sh, g50, sh, eb, e, g50, sh, if, lf, e, mf, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, if, e, mf, lf, third eye, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, if,
oe, a, c, 9g, un, un, standard chakra pattern #1 one time. Hold palms over heart.
Each day began to oper me authentic moments of pleasure and contentment.
But hadnt they before? Te diperence was that I was now noticing and
appreciating each days gis. Te power of gratefulness caught me by
surprise.
Sarah Ban Breathnach Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and
Joy
Beyond Forgiveness
Several of the writers I reviewed remarked that A life well lived is the best revenge. e shi to a life
well lived is the focus of this section. ere are countless books written on the subject, and what follows
are but a few suggestions to help you make a shi from rehashing your grievances to focusing on more
positive things, like gratitude, love or the appreciation of nature. Using Dr. Luskins metaphor of the
mind as a house, once you have stopped renting so much space to your wounds and grievances, who are
your tenants going to be? It is helpful to consider what to put into the space created by forgiving so that
you do not return to painful events simply out of habit.
To help with this shi, Dr. Luskin uses another metaphor, seeing your mind as a TV screen and what you
see and hear as a TV program. Imagine that you have a remote control that changes the channel you are
viewing in the mind. Rather than viewing the grievance channel, Dr. Luskin suggests that you program
your remote to regularly tune into the gratitude, beauty, love and forgiveness channels and oers the
following suggestions to improve reception (what follows is a partial list):
Gratitude Channel
x If you have a signicant other, thank this person for caring for you. Make it a point to do this
every day.
x As you wake up each morning, give thanks for your breath and the gi of your life.
x Walk to your nearest supermarket and give thanks for the abundance of food available.
x In your home, give thanks for all of the labor that went into making your furniture, appliances
and food.
x Remind yourself of any kind act done by your parents.
Beauty Channel
x When stuck in trac, notice the beauty of the sky or the remarkable movement of birds or
clouds.
x Find a favorite spot in nature that you can go to easily. Remember what that spot looks and
feels like.
x Deeply appreciate your favorite piece of music.
x Walk slowly and absorb the smells and sights of nature.
x Notice how attractive the people you love look.
Forgiveness Channel
x Practice forgiveness for the littlest oenses against you.
x Forgive the driver who cuts you o in the road.
x Read books about people who have forgiven hurtful situations.
x Practice forgiving for just a minute at a time.
x Notice how you naturally forgive those you love.
Love Channel
x Look for people who are in love and smile at their happiness.
x Remember the times in your life when you were loved.
x Remember the times in your life when you were loving.
x Look for memories of kindness done for you by your parents.
x Ask yourself what you can do to become a more loving person.
Focusing on gratitude is so important to Sarah Ban Breathnach that she lists it as the rst step on the
Simple Abundance path and states that the other principles: Simplicity, order, harmony, beauty and joy
will not blossom and ourish without it. She recommends keeping a Gratitude Journal in which you
write 5 things each day for which you are grateful. is sets in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more
you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you. Using the techniques of changing the channels
on your remote and keeping a focus on gratitude can help you ll the space created by forgiveness with
positive, upliing energies.
Louse Hay has an exercise to help you learn to develop a peaceful, loving relationship with yourself, which
consists of repeating the following armation over and over to yourself, I APPROVE OF MYSELF.
You do this armation three to four hundred times a day so that it becomes a walking mantra. As you
say this armation, you may notice negative thoughts coming up in opposition. It is important to see
the thought for what it is, another way to keep you stuck in the past. If this happens, gently say to the
thought, I let you go. I approve of myself. When you can say it to yourself when someone is doing
something you do not approve of, you will know that you are growing and changing. Using positive
armations is a way of focusing your attention on what you want, which causes it to grow and become
more real in you life.
Self-nurturing is an important part of the well lived life. In Te Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debby
Ford suggests creating rituals for nurturing yourself. One of these is to take a baby picture of yourself
and put it in a place where you will see it a couple of times a day. Notice the love and innocence you see
and use it to connect to the love and innocence in you. ink of yourself as an innocent child who only
needs your love, care and approval. Imagine yourself giving love to this child every day. Ask yourself,
What can I do for this child today? How can he or she feel nurtured and loved? Listen to what your
inner voice tells you and respond. You might need to say, I love you, accept you or appreciate you. I
oen ask clients to close their eyes and imagine themselves at a young age, maybe sitting in their bedroom
at that time. e client enters the bedroom as an adult and has a conversation with his or her younger
self, mostly listening and then responding, giving the child what he or she needs at the time. Not only is
it a way to nurture your inner child, it also can give you clues to what you might need today to nurture
yourself.
At the foot of one of the beds in my Grandmothers house, was a cedar-lined hope chest. In it lay hand-
embroidered tea towels and pillow cases, linens and table cloths for each of her granddaughters. From
time to time, my grandmother and I would sit and look through the contents, dreaming of a future
of happy marriages and comfortable homes. Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests creating a hope chest, a
container into which you can place desires that cannot be immediately gratied. ese may be a book you
would like to read, a project to nish, travel brochures or house plans - Something to remind you of where
you are going, of your hopes and wishes. And like my grandmother and I, periodically take some time to
look at the contents, work on that project, dream about the future.
In his newest book, Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling, Dr. Dyer encourages people to go to a quiet place
to nd inspiration. is can be a place in nature or a place within themselves. is is echoed by others
who recommend prayer or meditation as a way to communicate with the Divine and stay connected
and at peace. Beyond the more traditional ways, meditation can take many forms: Writing in a journal,
gazing into a candle ame, concentrating on a single word or poetic phrase, setting out on a walking
meditation. I have kept a journal where I wrote Letters to My Soul. ese were intimate writings where
I poured out my deepest wishes and dreams. Writing these letters keeps me connected to what matters
most to me at the time.
e following Breath of anks, from Dr. Luskin, is to help you with your search for beauty and gratitude:
1. Two or three times every day when you are not fully occupied, slow down and bring your
attention to your breathing.
2. Notice that your breath ows in and out without your having to do anything. Put your attention
on your stomach, and as you inhale, allow the air to gently push your belly out. As you exhale,
consciously relax your belly so that it feels so.
3. Continue breathing this way for about three to ve slow, deep breaths.
4. en for each of the next ve to eight inhalations say the words thank you silently to remind
yourself of the gi of your breath and how lucky you are to be alive. Oen people have a stronger
response when they imagine their experience of gratitude centered in their hearts.
5. Aer those ve to eights breaths of thanks, return to the so belly breathing for another one to
two breaths.
6. en gently resume your regular activity.
uantum Techniques Healing Code for Gratitude
g50, sh, eb, e, g50, sh, if, e, mf, lf, liv, g50, sh, e, g50, sh, g50, sh, if, lf, e, mf, g50, sh, if, oe, a, c, 9g, un, sh, un,
standard chakra pattern #2 two times. Hold palms together.
Reading the Profound Love Code, contained in Te Quantum Techniques Client Manual is another way
to shi your focus to a positive, healing place. e list of things that you can do is endless as are the ways
that you can do them. Be willing, open your heart and use your imagination. I am including one last
quote from Teres a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Dr. Dyer. e Final Analysis is a version of
the Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith.
e Final Analysis
People are oen unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selsh, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true
enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you nd serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
e good you do today, people will oen forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best youve got anyway.
You see, in the nal analysis, it is all between you and God:
It was never between you and them anyway.
ank you for joining me on this journey of forgiveness. I hope that by taking it, you have gained
something to help you on your path of healing. If not miracles, I hope that it will provide, at the very
least, freedom from the past and peace in the present. I hope that by forgiving, you can create a space to
ll with dreams and your imagination of a bright future. I wish you and those you care about only the
best. Imagine that!
References and Further Reading
Te Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Borysenko, Joan. Inner Peace for Busy People
Breathnach, Sarah Ban. Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy
Casarjian, Robin. Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart
Daniel, Stephen and Beth. Parts Teory and Treatment Protocol
Daniel, Stephen and Beth. Te Client Manual for Quantum Techniques
Dyer, Wayne. Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling
Dyer, Wayne. Pulling Your Own Strings
Dyer, Wayne. Te Power of Intention
Dyer, Wayne. Teres a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem
Dyer, Wayne. Wisdom of the Ages: 60 Days to Enlightenment
Enright, Robert. Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope
Flannigan, Beverly. Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Legacy of Intimate Wounds
Ford, Debby. Te Dark Side of the Light Chasers
Fox, Emmet. Te Sermon on the Mount
Gawain, Shakti. Te Path of Transformation
Hay, Louse L. You Can Heal Your Life
Jampolsky, Gerald G. Forgiveness: Te Greatest Healer of All
Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good
Myss, Caroline. Anatomy of the Spirit
Simon, Sidney B. and Suzanne. Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on With Your Life
Smedes, Lewis B. Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Dont Deserve
Spring, Janice Abram and Michael. How Can I Forgive You?
Williamson, Marianne. Everyday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness, and Making Miracles
Williamson, Marianne. Illuminata: A Return to Prayer

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