THE

THE WORLD SCORES PALTRY 2.3 OUT OF 10

BAD THINGS BLAMED MOON SLAMS EARTH COSTA RICA SCOOPS SURPRISE TOP NATION GONG
By Lazlo Woolf, Chief World Correspondent

BUGLE
ALAMY

AUDIO NEWSPAPER FOR A VISUAL WORLD (VISUAL EDITION) v MONDAY OCTOBER 15 2007 v DO NOT CONSUME BEFORE BREAKFAST v timesonline.co.uk/thebugle v No. 1

ENVIRONMENT GUILTY OVER ENVIRONMENT

he G74 group of the worlds most influential industrial magnates has issued a new report suggesting that the environment is to blame for the environmental crisis facing the environment. Speaking at its annual conference in Magaluf, Majorca, Sir Ian Wynne Stoichkov, the G74s Chairman and Entertainments Officer, said: It is time for the environment to put up or shut up. Preferably the latter. It should accept responsibility for its own health. We have been mollycoddling the environment for too long. It must learn to stand on its one remaining foot.

BRITAIN AT WAR WITH PORTUGAL

M
by being so knackered and that grinding, inescapable poverty is really winding a lot of people up. Critics of The World were strident in their condemnation of the beleaguered orb. This is another hopeless performance from The World, shouted planet analyst Malvo Ingenuti, as he attempted to trapeze himself into the UN building. Doubly so, when you consider how much money it owns. Lets put this in a proper historical context. In 1769, The World scored 5.8, and bear in mind, they had typhoid. Let me in. Mr Ingenuti is recovering in a Brooklyn hospital. Noam Chomsky, the American activist, philosopher and grade-4 clarinettist, commented: The World is a pigs breakfast of a planet, one in which the pig has, somewhat foolishly, ordered a bacon and sausage bap, and is now hacking away furiously at its own rump with a blunt machete. Meanwhile, in the new UN Country rankings, Costa Rica has upset the odds by being officially recognised as the Worlds Greatest Nation. The USA has lodged an appeal against its new ranking of 26th best country in the world. Secretary of State Condoleescoigne Rice said: This is ridiculous. We are clearly the greatest country in the world. Clearly. Weve said it often enough. It must have become true. What has Costa Rica ever done for the world? These clowns dont even have an army. Britain, heralded as recently as May as the greatest nation on earth by no less a source than then Prime Minister Tony Blair, has slipped to 38th under the stewardship of Gordon Brown. Blair, currently working undercover on a secret project to trick the Middle East into peace, argued that Costa Rica had achieved top ranking only by keeping its nose clean by doing things like not starting wars of questionable legality, not mutilating the environment, and not economically violating the Third World, and expressed fears that

he World has once again failed to live up to expectations, registering only 2.3 out of 10 in the latest official United Nations scores. Beset by a wide variety of social, political and scientific problems, the planet has continued to struggle to cope with modern life, and despite tremendous advances in flat-screen TV technology, difficulties such as war, famine, pestilence and death have seen it sink to its lowest score since March 2003. Announcing the score from a special pod at the United Nations headquarters in New York, UN Secretary General Ban Keith Moon explained why the popular planet had fared so poorly. The World has been dogged by poor form for some time now, admitted Moon. In fact, for most of the last 4.5 billion years something or other has been seriously wrong with it.

inistry of Defence files recently made public under the Official Secrets and Lies Act have revealed that Britain was at war with Portugal between 1973 and 1977. The conflict ended in a stalemate after the Treaty of S.C. BeiraMar restored Portuguese borders but made the Algarve a British mandate. Major Sir General Rufus Strave, commander of the British ground troops during the Battle of Cavaquinho, commented: It was a low-profile war, but a fierce one. Both sides suffered heavy casualties, but the media at the time just couldnt get an angle on it, so it was one of those wars that does not get reported in the press.

Turn for the worse: The World continues to be a major disappointment to its fans and inhabitants

CAR WORKERS FACE SLAUGHTER

BLOOPERS

Asked to what specifically he ascribed The Worlds disappointing mark, Moon sipped contemplatively on his UN water bottle and replied: The War on Terror is a factor. Obviously, terror itself doesnt help in fact, I would say it is a definite no-no but the war on it has contained too many procedural bloopers and ethical hiccups for its own good. After the first three or four, they ceased to be even slightly amusing. Moon, the self-proclaimed Stephen Hendry of international relations, continued: Around the world, taxpayers and consumers are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the service they are receiving from their War on Terror, which, for whatever reason, has not provided the instant key to global peace and stability that everyone assumed that it would. The 760-month-old South Korean diplomacy ace added that the environment isnt helping things

the UN was thus rewarding negative play. However, Costa Rican president and Nobel Peace Prize winner scar Arias was delighted with his countrys victory. Yeeeessss, he yelled, punching the air with his fists. Theyll be dancing in the streets of San Jos. Eat that, Nicaragua. Give me a CO-S-T-A-space-R-I-C-A. What have you got? Costa Rica. Whos the greatest nation in the world? Costa Rica! Woah yeah. Huh. Thats what Im talking about. The UN, 62, has announced

that, in order to stifle further disputes over the rankings, it will introduce a new marking system based on those used in some sports, in which the highest and lowest judges marks are discounted. Under the new scheme, nations will lose both their worst atrocity and their greatest achievement. Moon explained to the UN General Assembly: So, for example, Spain will lose the systematic extermination of indigenous peoples in South America, but it will also lose the siesta. Calm down,

Jos would Picasso have been so good if he hadnt been properly rested and taken time over his lunch? No, he wouldnt. And Britain will lose both the British Empire, and the British Empire. Moon concluded by announcing that, after the discovery that the German and French leaders had signed their own, instead of each others, copies of the 1871 Treaty of Frankfurt, Germany and France no longer exist. The nations franchises will be auctioned next March.

he board of the car manufacturing giant Automozoom has announced a cull of its workforce. Citing the financial pressures of a globalised global automotive marketplace, Automozoom has promised that the first stage of the cull will be voluntary, and that its workers will be destroyed humanely. Thereafter, remaining staff will be released into their Tunbridge Wells factory and hunted down for sport.

THE BUGLE PODCAST

John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman will present their comedicosatirical views on places like Britain, the USA and the World, and on matters of great, small and no political importance, neatly packaged into one manageable podcast. Available weekly from Monday October 15 at timesonline.co.uk/thebugle

TIMES LAUNCHES SATIRICAL PODCAST

By Victor Gooch, Podcast Rumour Correspondent

nconfirmed reports from sources close to The Times newspaper have suggested that it will launch a new weekly satirical podcast, entitled The Bugle, on Monday, October 15. The podcast, available for download from the Times Online website and via iTunes, will

feature award-winning comedians John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman, and will take the form of an audio newspaper which discusses global events, politics, sport, the arts, and sundry other aspects of life in general. Oliver, based in New York where he is starring in The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, and Zaltzman, from one of his secret hideaways somewhere in the UK, will resume their comedic partner-

ship with their signature salad of political satire and outright lies. A further rumour, as yet unsubstantiated, has suggested that The Bugle will be promoted via a special one-off pull-out section in The Times newspaper itself. A spokespersona for The Times commented: This is not the kind of thing The Times traditionally does. But you might find it on our new-fangled website.

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THE BUGLE

COMMENT / FEATURES

BUGLE COMMENT

DONT BURN THE BUSH

Come on, cut underrated pacifist some slack

he world currently resides in a state of aggressive discourtesy towards George W. Bush. Enemies of the 5ft 11in US President are quick to bleat on about his shortcomings as a president, orator and human being, and to pay the former Republican presidential candidate gushing uncompliments for his several mistakes, such as Iraq, the environment, America and the rest of the world. Even his closest acolytes must concede that Bush is, without question, the least popular US President this century domestically as well as globally, and factually as well as statistically. However, it is our view that history, fickle charlatan that she is, will be much kinder to the man who has picked up the baton of democracy, filled it with explosive, aimed it away from his face, fired it into the sky and hoped that the ensuing bang and shower of light would elicit gasps from the watching world. (It did. Perhaps not the kind of gasps the selfstyled President would have wanted, but gasps nonetheless.) Indeed, history herself will eventually show that history will have judged Bush to have been nothing less than the greatest pacifist of our time. Furthermore, the war in Iraq his unrelentingly unappetising signature dish will be seen to have done more to engender lasting global peace than Gandhi, Mandela, Hoddle and Bono combined. For once, the conspiracy theorists are bang on the banana. Iraq has indeed been a Machiavellian plot, but one concocted when Machiavelli had woken up in an unusually chirpy and philanthropic mood. For by leading the worlds most advanced nation to prosecute a war of such ostentatious moral ineptitude, with tactics so catatonically dimwitted that they can only have been specifically designed to be so, Bush will have helped to discredit the entire concept of armed conflict for generations to come.

Hats your lot: Oliver, left, and Zaltzman, not left, plagued by bad manners and leg respectively, remained tight-lipped about content of podcast

PODCAST MYSTERY DEEPENS AS BUGLERS REFUSE TO HONK

FEATURE INTERVIEW JOHN OLIVER AND ANDY ZALTZMAN
The Bugle podcast promises to rewrite all known rulebooks into one easily manageable universal book of rules. Ephemeral Writing Magazines Interviewer of the Year, KEITH BILK, spoke to sporadically-acclaimed comedians John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman about their hopes, dreams and fears for their new project. er for a mega-circulation lifestyle journal by threatening to publish compromising photographs of the editor naked from the neck up at an illegal donkey fight in Woking. Good stuff. I was ready. Brain ready to sluice the relevant from the newsworthy, I awaited the arrival of my two comedic conquistadors, a double act who proudly revel in the title of Britains Most Infantile Political Comedians. Zaltzman was the first to transmogrify from potential into actuality. He was the apparent victim of a medium-grade dishevelling, with the carestruck demeanour of a man disgusted with the day into which destiny had unceremonially pitched him. It later transpired he had merely travelled to Mostlecombe by public transport. Are you Keith Bilk?" he probed. I am he, I rejoindered inclusively, making the 5ft 10in South Londoner from Kent feel at ease with myself. How the devil are you? I hurt my leg getting a bag off a shelf. He sat in silence, intermittently limbering his knee. Eventually, some 15 minutes beyond schedule, Oliver appeared in the hotel vestibula like a confused honeymooner with the wrong wife. He is a man who in social situations exudes a certain je ne sais rien. Chit-chat sits uneasily on those two shoulders of his. Wed better crank this bitch into funktown, I quipped. I've only got a 20-minute window for you guys. Oliver raised his now-transatlantically-renowned brow. What, mate? he stropped. But I flew back from America for this interview. I turned down the opportunity to go tenpin bowling with Barack Obama. Zaltzman was no more impressed he had left his new joke about a man walking into a hedge half-written. I'll probably never finish it now, he mourned. Mentally, I waved my three journalistic trophies in their faces. Did we have to come here? Oliver exasperated aloud, his success on the hit US cult satire The Daily Show With Jon Stewart clearly having recalibrated his manners. So, I led, touching each man sequentially on the kneecap. What is going to be in your podcast? Stuff, muttered Zaltzman. A pause. Oliver: Read the press release, loser. Index finger and thumb akimbo, he slapped his glistening forehead with his hand. Youre not being very forthcoming, I chuckled. No. No. Sorry. Nada, said I, remembering the time I had played an entire round of golf with David Attenborough without him noticing. The biter bit. My sinuously dextrous lines of questioning proved fruitless, and as the hotel commissar escorted Oliver and Zaltzman from the premises, I found my mind concluding that although on this occasion A America (Olivers adoptive country), plus B Britain (where Zaltzman remains resident) equals C comedic podcast, whether C itself equals W (worth a listen) remains to be seen. And heard. Yours, readers, ever, Keith Bilk OBE.

e should all thank the man for his self-sacrificial political largesse. In time, the man who currently stands accused of destabilising the entire planet with his hare-brained schemes, will be acquitted of those charges, released from historical custody, and awarded at least 20,000 compensation for damage done to his reputation. And as if ushering in a glorious new era of international peace, dialogue and co-operative problem-solving wasnt work enough for one young conflict to be getting on with, this much-maligned war, like a cartoon superhero, only with significantly more civilian casualties, will also save the entire planet. Because, for all its procedural glitches such as the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and the provision of several enthusiastic new heads for the Hydra that is al-Qaeda Iraq has rammed down the worlds throat once and for all the inedible message that, economically and politically, we simply can no longer afford to rely on oil as our major source of fuel. The environment and all of its many fans can breathe a sigh of relief, and send a strongly-worded thank-you letter to the President whose lam they so vigorously poon. And if it takes just one tiny little war to open mankinds one collective eye to its contractual obligation to make the electric car work, then that is a sacrifice that all those who have made, are making and will make the sacrifice can be retrospectively delighted to have made.

LET THE PEOPLE NOT BOTHER TO DECIDE

ordon Brown acted swiftly and decisively to stamp out the election fever that had been seeping through the nation, by cancelling both the non-existent election and the speculation over whether it might one day exist. Browns supporters have claimed that, although the British public have proved resistant to all strains of election fever in recent decades, and the disease is in most cases non-fatal, the Prime Minister had to make sure that the outbreak was swiftly contained, in case it spread from the press corps and Westminster cronies into the wider population, thus destroying the market value of British democracy internationally. However, there is a strong counter-argument that, after the Labour Party attempted to show that it is genuinely still in touch with the British people by not bothering to vote on who its new leader should be, it should have given the notoriously vote-shy public an official opportunity also not to bother voting.

HOW TO BE BUGLED People of the world. Sit down. Here are your instructions. Use them wisely. Go to the Internet. Acclimatise. Now, download The Bugle podcast, or subscribe to it via iTunes, by visiting this address: timesonline.co.uk/thebugle Fear not the infernal breath of satirical podcastery. It means you no harm

triding down the opulent yet minimalist Diana Immemorial Staircase of the double-renovated Mostlecombe Hotel & Aggressive Leisure Complex, the mind cannot help but surf through the archipelago of time and conclude: Yes. This is why A plus B equals C. Perfection. What was once an impudently self-assuring 17thcentury Victorian manor house has been transmuted into a stateof-all-the-arts guess at what A Clockwork Orange would be like if it were an hotel. Of the original building, only the pioneering Restoration-era fitness suite remains, where one can still pump mahogany to the thumping beat of a harpsichord, or finesse those tired old glutes on one of the six ergonomic pewter exercise horses. And this was where I was to meet and subsequently interview John Oliver, 30, and Andy Zaltzman, only just 33, about their new weekly satirical podcast. I waited in the bar, sipping on my gooseberry foolshake, and warming up for the interview by interviewing myself. I suppose you could say that my career was fuelled by a sense of destiny, I told myself. Interviewing just came naturally to me. Some people are good at biathlon. Some people like cats. I have a gift for interviewing. I looked into the semi-distance. I owe so much to my father, I said, finally opening up to myself like a tulip under the subtle ministrations of my own sun-kissed questioning. He was my inspiration, my role model, and my father. And he got me my first job as chief interview-

MR ANDY ZALTZMAN

MR JOHN OLIVER

o-founder, writer and star of multi-award-avoiding Radio 4 microsmashes The Department and Political Animal. Intermittently-used bench reserve for Now Show, Andy once appeared opposite Dame Martha Kearney in a 2002 production of Newsnight. Born in obscurity in 1974, Zaltzman is a fully-qualified and BISUC-registered stand-up comedian. Nominated in Most Lapsed Jewish Comedian category at recent COJO awards. Once dreamt that he was a member of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Now has a wife, after spending 29 years and 11 months of his life without one. Last seen driving down the A303, shouting What a road, from the window.

lso co-founder, writer and star of multi-award-avoiding Radio 4 microsmashes The Department and Political Animal. Appeared as himself in BBC2s Nobel-nominated Mock The Weak. British Correspondent of the Year on The Daily Show for two years in succession. Dogged by rumours in the American press that he is wantonly imprecise in his use of the possessive apostrophe, Oliver tearfully admitted he had trouble remembering when and where to use it at a recent press conference. As a footballer, John is distressingly left-footed, shirks a tackle, and is compromised by his glasses. White, male, of medium build. Not considered a threat to public safety.

ARTS / MISCELLANEOUS OTHER

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR SHOUT OUT?

THE BUGLE
FILMS

B3
BOOK CHOICE
By Natasha Kwan, Princess of Books

Dear Sir and/or Madam, Will it be possible to write to the audio edition of The Bugle? Or, given that it is an audio newspaper rather than a visual one, should I just stand in the street, shout out my letter, and hope that the breeze carries my partially-informed opinions into the recording studio? Sincerely, Sir Oscar Proud, Mithlethwick The Editor replies: Under no circumstances should correspondents air their views in public areas. There will be a letters and e-mails section in The Bugle. Send your missive either via the website www.timesonline.co. uk/thebugle - or to the e-mail pigeon hole - thebugle@timesonline. co.uk - and Oliver and Zaltzman will respond to, rebuke, lampoon, plagiarise or ignore your comments as they see fit.

DIESEL IGNITES FURNITURE MAYHEM AS DINOSAUR EATS JUNIORS

INAPPROPRIATE ENDING AS BOND GOES TO DOUBLE-O HEAVEN
By Juniper Fetch, Correspondent of the Moving Image

THE PRESCOTT DIARIES 1994-2007

T T

hese unedited diaries reveal the day-to-day work schedule of panel beater John Prescott, and his rare and unremarkable social engagements. Published in error.

FILM OF THE WEEK

THE MAN WHO EATS DESKS (15)

Dear Bugle, Congratulations to the Conservatives for having the barefaced cheek to put a bolt-gun to the head of the horse of iniquity that is Inheritance Tax. For too long this unjust socalled wealth tax has caused heartache and walletache to hard and soft-working families alike. The government cares not how painful it can be to watch loved ones embark on a wantonly extravagant spending spree in the months before death simply in order to avoid having to fork out from the grave for schools and hospitals for the living, and wars they will never enjoy. Indeed, my own father, a wealthy man who opposed tax in all its forms and found the concept of redistributing his wealth as nauseating as anyone else with money, was so militantly opposed to what I like to call the Bereavement Levy that, literally seconds before he passed away, he placed a 11.2 million online auction bid for a life-sized porcelain Neville Chamberlain. Thus it was that my family had to deal not only with the loss of a much-feared patriarch and a long-awaited fortune, but also with the arrival in the post of the shattered remnants of a commemorative appeaser all thanks to Gordon Brown. Extremely sincerely, Mrs Meridienne Whelk-Jacobs

superior action flick in which Vin Diesel adds to his burgeoning reputation as more than just a character actor in this mostly-action desk-eating romp. Diesel stars as jilted husband Hasdrubal Carthage, who takes revenge on his cheating wife Madge (Anne Charleston) by eating her antique desk, sparking a spree of office-furniturescoffing that threatens small clerical businesses across Mexico. Just when it seems that the entire Central American economy will be mildly harmed by Diesels unquenchable desklust, a local desk designer (Frank Lampard) creates an inedible desk, which Diesel eats, then a desk impregnated with the deadly serum of the Vorax Revoltarium beetle. The poisoned Diesel slowly dies over the final 45 realtime minutes of the film. Directed by Mike Leigh, this is a must-see for all haters of desks. Colin Montgomeries rating: pp Some golf references, but disappointing overall with no useful tips on bunker play.

ter simulation of the former Defence Secretary Malcolm Rifkind, reaches pubescence, and transforms from the lovable classroom companion of the first three films into a ruthless flesh-hungry predator. After savaging his classmates in arguably the most graphic scenes of childeating ever seen in mainstream animation, Dino rampages through the town centre eating pedestrians and cyclists alike, and attempts to mate with a bus shelter that looks a bit like a stegosaurus. Exhausted, Dinos
Table manners: Desk-mad Diesel on office-only diet

NOVEL IDOL II
he hit reality novel-writing tome returns for a second volume. Simply transcribe a wellknown medium-to-low-quality novel into the empty pages, mirroring the original typeface as closely as possible, and post it back to the publishers. Gratuitously disparaging comments about your handwriting will then be published in a national newspaper. The eventual winner wins a contract to transcribe a book written badly by someone else which no one will ever read.

ANOTHER DAY IS NOW (15)

he final James Bond film brings the renowned costume drama franchise to a moving close. After Bond (Daniel Craig, below) dies of inoperable prostate cancer in the opening minute, the film movingly explores the impact of Bonds passing on his colleagues, enemies, lovers and parents Ken and Ethel. Whilst this Jan-Leeming-

directed epic may alienate traditional Bond fans, it is, in its own right, a searching, uncompromising portrayal of the effect of death on the family, and of the wider espionage community as a whole, as it struggles to adapt to new human rights legislation. Montys rating: p Nothing in it for the golf enthusiast.

THE BLUE BALL MURDERS

B
37-minute reign of terror is finally ended when he eats a drug addict, hallucinates that his local arms depot is a burger joint, and eats a cluster bomb covered in mayonnaise. The 18 rating may keep away Dinos loyal young fans, and the explicit scenes of slaughter and dinosaur-bus-shelter sex are likely to offend all but the most committed carnivores and perverts, but this is a cartoon that not only pushes boundaries, it also urinates in their lunchboxes. Montys rating: pppppAn obvious parody of the career of Miguel ngel Jimnez.

DINO THE DINOSAUR GROWS UP (18)

he fourth in the popular animated childrens series about a young dinosaur growing up in modern-day Dumbarton, is, by some distance, the most bloodthirsty picture Disney has ever put on general release. Dino, voiced by a compu-

arnstorming historical whodiddit set at the World Snooker Championship qualifiers at Pontins in Prestatyn in 1987. After three of the worlds top 150 snooker players drop stone dead whilst lining up crucial blues to the right middle pocket, the unthinkable question arises is one of the worlds top snooker umpires a calculating serial killer? Or has snooker unwittingly discovered a deadly angle? Fictional commentator Clive Liverpool heroically speculates from behind the microphone.

CELEBRITY WATCH
By Emma Rhyl, Socialite Correspondent

FORECAST YOUR OWN WEATHER

Sun Cloud Rain Storm

THE BUGLE AUDIO CROSSWORD

LAW

INQUEST OPENS
he inquest into the death of Jesus Christ opened today at the Royal Courts of Justice in London. The presiding coroner, Lord Justice Penshurst Park, will examine whether Mr Christ, the prominent parabulator, died as a result of natural crucifixion (as the original inquest ruled), or from a septicaemic infection arising from a wound to his hand caused by an unwashed nail, or due to procedural flaws in an especially daring magic trick, or was murdered by an Italian soldier. The remit of the inquest, however, does not extend as far as confirming whether or not Christ died on behalf of humanity as a whole, whether or not his status as Messiah is legally verifiable and whether or not he was pregnant at the time of his death.

hat would you like the weather to be tomorrow? Fill in the Bugle forecast map with whatever meteorological conditions you would like: brighten/darken/ drench/confuse your day tomorrow, and pretend that all your weathery dreams will come true. Alternatively, fill in your worst-case weather scenario, then be pleasantly surprised when drizzling reality strikes with damp inevitability. If your forecast is correct, you

can enter our prize draw to win a piece of cloud from the Royal Estate at Sandringham. If you complete correct forecasts for six days in succession, report to the Met Office and demand that your special gift be recognised, broadcast and remunerated. WEATHER BET OF THE DAY Dogger Bank to be Rising Slowly, 3-1 with MetBet. Next week: Complete your own sunrise and sunset times.

or the next 26 weeks, each edition of The Bugle will contain one clue towards its unique cryptic audio crossword. Fill in the above grid with your weekly solution as autumn turns to winter and winter to spring. As a special introductory gift, we are donating you the clue for 1 across (below), and TWO FREE LETTERS to get you started. Anyone who correctly completes the entire crossword next April will win the right to treat themselves to a cup of tea and a sit down. ACROSS 1. Bangers made by wise men all around America? The cheap ones may contain pigs testicles (8) Listen in to Mondays first edition of The Bugle to receive your second clue

ritish stars seen out and about this week . . . Sir Harold Kroto (above) British Nobel-Prize-winning chemistry whizz, spotted doing some nanotechnology in the Science Faculty at Florida State University where he now works whilst humming a song by foxy dead jazz starlet Ella Fitzgerald . . . Baroness Hale of Richmond, the first female Law Lord, seen discussing an issue concerning male prisoners with former High Court judge Dame Elisabeth Butler-Sloss neither womans husband was present . . . Professor Alan Smithers, the influential 69-year-old educationalist, rumoured to have been overheard talking about problems in teacher provision with MPs on a cross-party committee, whilst wearing a distinctly uncool jacket and tie combination . . . Angie Zelter, peace activist and global star of non-violent direct action campaigns, caught on radio being most uncomplimentary about Trident Nuclear submarines . . . James MacMillan, ace Scottish composer and conductor extraordinaire, seen blearyeyed at 8am on Monday, furtively ushering a piano tuner into his music room.

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BUGLE SPORT
BELITTLING: WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI-FINAL RUGBY

YET MORE HUMILIATION FOR AUSTRALIA

WACKLE COCKS CRUCIAL SNOOK
By Wole, Marginal Sports Correspondent

ALL BLACKS CLAIM DEFEAT WAS FOR GOOD OF HUMANITY

By Frank Wildebeest

reat Britains under-pressure Belittlers besmirched and disparaged their way to a sensational victory over much-fancied Australia, silencing an irksomely partisan home crowd and earning a place in Sundays final against old enemies France. Rising like uncomplimentary condors above their disappointing early World Championship form, Team GB shocked the Scofferoos with a determined fightback at a stunned Vegemite Arena. British captain Barry Wackle once more denigrated from the front it was he who had earlier saved Britain from ignominy in their quarter-final against Spain with his career-defining last-minute belittle, dismissing number-oneranked Spanish artist Pablo Picasso as a glorified cartoonist. Yesterdays contest had begun with depressing familiarity for the vocal travelling supporters, as Australia took their now customary lead in the Disparagement of Widely Respected People and Things discipline. Their early dominance was largely attributable to an inspired performance from under-21 inter-

national Martin Wiggstragg, who opened proceedings with a technically risky disparagement of highly-rated dead British playwright Shakespeare. The young Australian casually dismissed the former dramatists renowned Hamlet as an elongated monotony of vapid predictability, about a spineless, self-important idiot. Wiggstragg later admitted that the judges would have penalised him for excessive and groundless denigration, had he not followed it up by damning Shakespeare with some brilliantly faint praise. Smash-hit tragedy King Lear was, he said, all right, if youre into that kind of thing, whilst shrugging his shoulders and looking at his fingernails. Britain struck back through Maureen Scleve, MVP in the Group B match against Germany, after writing ace composer Beethoven off as nothing but a trifling tunester. Scleve described Australias renowned climate as nothing to write home about, needlessly hot in places, and not as good as the Mediterranean. However, Australia surged into a seven-point lead when Karlstein-Bruce Wokel Melbourne Slaggers $3.2 million summer signing said that Brit-

ish physics whizz Sir Isaac Newtons Theory of Gravity was the kind of half-baked schoolboy science that Einstein could have dreamt up in his sleep. Britain never panicked, trusting that their superior bantering technique would prove decisive in the Head-to-Head Belittling. Veteran downplaying specialist Muriella Lewis dismissed Wokel as a talentless parody of an Australian, and Wokels moron jibe in response prompted reprehension from the judges and chants of What a waste of money from the travelling Smarmy Army. The Aussies were in disarray. Their young American-born star, Prebell Chicken, showed his inexperience when he could find nothing worse to say about his opposite number Gerald Pilge than that his shirt was hanging out, and Pilge slapped home his advantage by aspersing that Chickens impressive operatic baritone voice was an irritating nasal whine that could drain the will to live from the most optimistic child. Thus, Britain took the lead for the first time, as the captains came face to face. They matched each other besmirch for besmirch, until Australian skipper

their deF ollowingFrancecataclysmic the feat to in the World Cup quarter-final in Cardiff, All Black rugby team explained that their loss was not a choke, but rather a satirical comment. Captain Richie McCaw told a press conference somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere: Our performance and loss to France was meant as a biting parody of mankinds complacent attitude towards impending environmental catastrophe. We had unprecedented resources of time, money and talent, and yet we were totally unprepared for the first obstacle we encountered. Similarly, the human race has the money, the science and the global support to take proper action to save the ecosystem, yet continues to do little, and will inevitably suffer the same catastrophe and humiliation that we did. We All Blacks want our green message to reverberate around the world. Coach Graham Henry was delighted with his teams performance. It was flawless, in the great tradition of All Black World Cup satire, and the boys can be very proud. We executed our satire exactly according to the game plan. Chief satirical adviser Steve Hansen added: Every one knew we were the best side in the world. It would have been arrogant to ruck that fact further into the worlds face. Meanwhile, All Black Prime Minister Helen Clark has called an emergency Cabinet meeting in whatever the capital of New Zealand is to force through a national suicide proposal. As a country, we have nothing else to live for, she said. Whats the point in going on? If the proposal is approved, New Zealand will take a gigantic overdose of painkillers on the symbolic date of December 16, the anniversary of the All Blacks historic 1905 defeat to Wales, also, hilariously, in Cardiff. However, The Incredibly Reverend Miller Clode, Archbishop of Australia, said: This is no way for the All Black nation to escape suffering. There are World Cups in the afterlife, you know.

Paul McClean unleashed an unstoppable barrage of combination taunts at Wackle. This seemed to have tipped the balance Australias way, but Swedish referee Svnt Hukki adjudged McCleans comments about Wackles personal hygiene to be outright insults, and awarded Wackle a penalty sneer. The snook was there to be cocked, and Wackle cocked it. He called the defenceless McClean morally worthless, spiritually squalid, and unfit for whatever purpose he presumes to grant himself. The final whistle blew even as

Wackle was still mid-slate, and Britain were into the final for the first time since 1982. And if they can deride the French as effectively as they badmouthed the Australians, then victory, OBEs, and the slow, complacent decline of their sport surely await.
AUSTRALIA: McClean (Queensland Hatchets; capt.), Wokel (Melbourne Slaggers), Wiggstragg (WA Downrunners), Chicken (New York Mockers), Ivanic (Desprecio Santander; sub: Connelly (Sydney Sneer), 52. GREAT BRITAIN: Wackle (Glasgow Deprecators; capt.), Scleve (Taunt London), Pilge (Barcelona), Lewis (Manchester Scorn), Kopp (unattached). Sub not used: Hamilton-Ahmed (Mersey Underraters). Attendance: 44,981. STAR BELITTLER: Muriella Lewis oozed class throughout, competition derision of the highest calibre.

CRICKET
he inaugural ICC Coin Toss Championship has been won by Australia, after the Pakistan captain Shoaib Malik wrongly called heads in the final at Eden Gardens, Calcutta. The Australians had beaten strongly-fancied South Africa in the semi-final on Monday, after the Proteas skipper, Graeme Smith, called Legs in the semifinal, condemning his team to another embarrassing exit from a major tournament. Stand-in Australian captain Adam Gilchrist dedicated the victory to Ricky Ponting, who missed the final after rupturing a thumb knuckle tendon in practice. ICC Chief Executive Malcolm Speed said the tournament had captured the imagination of the advertising executives. From a revenue point of view, we have cut out the problematic cricketing phases of cricket. This is a commercially viable format, which has its place in a balanced calendar.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Ipswich Town v Carlisle United, January 23 1957

This classic 4th-round cup encounter at Portman Road has gone down in football history as one of the greatest of all 1-1 draws. But what happened to the people watching it?

YES. ITS THERE

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World. Mondays from October 15. At
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TENNIS
ike Dench, 57, from Swansea, has been appointed Roger Federers new coach. Dench has never played tennis himself but used to like watching Hana Mandlikova in the 1980s, though he cannot remember why. Federer, who has won 5 of his 12 grand slam titles without the aid of a coach, explained his decision to appoint a man with no tennis background. Come on, its the easiest job in the world, said the 6ft 1in racket-wielder and Swiss person. All the guy has to do is say Shot, Roger, every couple of seconds during practice, and occasionally fill up the ball machine. Any clown could do it.

VASSILY GRITCHKOV Soviet spy and football obsessive who sent weekly match reports to the Kremlin. Was convinced English football contained coded messages about impending nuclear strike. Hid in underground bunker after seeing a Paul Mariner goal celebration that looked like a mushroom cloud. Died in 1988 after losing a fight with a walrus.
FIGHTING Late Result: (Ancient Rome, 174AD): Lions 4 Gladiators (Micky ate Lucius Cervus; Toby clawed Septimus Maronus to death; Jake mauled Persivius Tullo; Bigpuss thoroughly savaged Antilius Minimus; Felix drew with Lunus Voractacrax (toothache)).

TONY MILLER & WES POOK Two short men who came to matches on each others shoulders so one would get in free. But one spent the match holding the other on his shoulders, unable to see it. Miller was Commonwealth low jump champion in 1970, with a leap of 5 millimetres. Pook rediscovered nitrogen after it was lost at a scientific conference in 1974.
HMS Porcupine 1 USS Wurlitzer 0. Exhibition Match (Hampden Park): Europe 0 Rest of the World 0 (Rest of the World won 1231-1230 on penalties). GOALKEEPER-FREE FOOTBALL

MILDRED HERSTMONCEUX Came to football disguised as a man due to social stigma attached to women attending sport at the time. It was later discovered that she was in fact a man. Had a sex change operation to become a woman. Continued to disguise herself as a man. Eventually died of confusion in 1976.

TREVIS LEMOND Life-long semi-professional soothsayer. Incorrectly predicted successful launch of first hardcore pornographic radio station. Died trying to prove prediction that humans would one day beat sharks at underwater rugby. His last words were: Ref, hes not releasing the tackled player, that should be a penalty.
PCGA British Matchplay, The Belfry. Quarter-Finals: Ian The Leicester Slasher McHugh bt Nutty Trevor 4&3. Wildman McGraw bt Screaming Pete 1 hole. Ken-Napoleon Smith-Bonaparte w/o Dribbling Wes Nunk (Nunk hid in tree). John Daly bt Ian Poulter 2&1.

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Cadburys Invitational, Horse Guards Parade, London: St Michaels Primary, Birmingham 0 Scuola di Santa Ignacio, Naples 3 (di Vicenzi, Moretti, Lucolla). Streatham Lower 0 Australian Bulldog Academy Select 12 (Hooper, Cairns, McCorcroft 2, Stacker, Meninga jnr 4, Weisenberg, Ofahengaue jnr 3).

Mitsubishi UK Open, Nottingham Vegetablarium: 1-hour final: H. Kilner (Can) 68pts (6xWaldorf, 3xCaprese) 7xCaesar, beat K. J. Navratil (Cze) 47pts (8xNicoise, 2xPotato, 5xSide). Att: 23,854.

1er Division, Avignon: Provence 325 (Lechard 78, Boussin 59*; Malfond 6-83) & 87-2, drew with Alsace 513-5dec (Alphonde 231, Puissou 117*; de Remoulade 5-476).

European Open (Santiago Bernabeu Stadium, Madrid): 1. F. Contebo (Sp) 39.87. 2. E-H. Le Souffe (Fr) 39.81. 3. H. Heimlicher (Ger) 38.91. Selected others: 154. Z. Phillips (UK) 13.54. 182. L. Armstrong (USA) 1.23.

SALAD EATING

BATTLESHIPS

CRAZY GOLF

RESULTS

BRITISH BULLDOG

BICYCLE DRESSAGE

FRENCH CRICKET