A massive and potentially

dangerous lapse in security has

left the TASNIS car park and
those who use it on weekends
exposed and vulnerable to all
sorts of pretty bad things say car
park users.

An investigation by The Tatler
can now confirm that for
seventeen weekends in a row the
special Motor-vation automatic
security pole has remained open
and unused to
protect the car
park.
Instead,
parents,
teachers, churchgoers, Boy Scouts, and a group of local
youth wearing track suits have been able to gain
unrestricted access to the south car park. Monday
through Friday, the security pole prevents anyone who
does not have a special black plastic security key
from entering the car park.

According to Permanent Interim Headmaster
Fernando Gorgonzola, the car park security pole was
installed to provide even better security to the
campus. He explained that this was not just some
token measure to appease the parents who wanted
greater security at TASNIS. We consulted security
experts, we looked at statistics, we watched maybe a
dozen episodes of Crime Watch UK and discovered
that a huge majority of crime happens in car parks. It
made perfect sense to control access to the car park. If
someone wants to commit a crime at TASNIS, it isnt
going to be in our car park it will have to be
somewhere else!

Frequent weekend campus guest Millicent Smellsome
doesnt understand why weekend security is any
different. Im horrified by the lack of security here.
Each weekend Im exposed, totally exposed. When that
security pole is up in the air its just like having a big
sign saying please come right in and commit a crime.
Gorgonzola reassured us that Like everyone else,
most criminals take weekends off, so chances are still
pretty good that youll survive a trip to our carpark
pole or no pole.

Mrs. Smellsome is convinced that TASNIS is playing
favorites. She explained If I were some sort of
celebrity, like that Jordan girl or even Jamie Oliver
this sort of thing wouldnt be happening.

TASNIS never plays favorites! countered
Gorgonzola. I remain confident that the TASNIS
carpark is one of the most secure areas on campus and
until some major crimes are committed there, we have
no plans to change it.

I will take my parking needs somewhere else on
weekends, said Mrs. Smellsome. I have no other
choice.

The Tatler investigative team will continue to
provide sensationalistic coverage of the controversy
even if no one else seems to care.
WEEKEND 5ECURlTY POLE HORROR!
volume 4, |ssue 1 Sprlng 2004
TA5Nl 5~The Aneri can 5chooI Not i n 5wi tzerI and
fl8l
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Unuseo securlty pole leaves carpark vulnerable on weekenos.
TA5Nl5 CeIebrates "lnternet Week"
u:0 uaat Jattq
In this issue Aunt Tatty
explains how to cope with
losing your campus housing.
Also lnsde Ths lssue l
qem Tro:qq "Tob|o|" froqc oe|
CAMPUS CAR PARK & lNNOCNT
CAR PARK PATRONS LIT XPOSD
ACH AND YRY WKNDl
Compus Guest. "l wos
le(t totolly exposedl"

found out and refused to pay me. I
tried to make up for it by giving
them some extra dipping sauce,
but it was too late by then. That
stupid giraffe has seriously
damaged my reputation as a pizza
deliveryman! explained Tickles to
the Tatler.

Others simply think that it is
unfair that the Headmaster is
allowed a giraffe when others are
not. Thorp Palace faculty resident
Geoff Jepner spoke to the Tatler
on a condition of anonymity: I
think that it is a travesty of justice
Hlp, tbe pet glratte ot Mr. ano Mrs. Larry 8eane, takes a walk near Tborp Palace.
PAGL 2 THL TASN| S TAT' LLR vOLUML 4, | SSUL 1
BIO
mAN
ON
CAmP0S
Headmaster Larry
Beane may have
thought that he was
merely bringing home a
pet giraffe named Hip
to surprise his wife
Courgette, but he
brought something else
home too . . .

While the Headmasters pet giraffe
has proven to be a big hit with
lower school students and lucky
upper schoolers who need a few
more CSP credits (walking Hip
earns double hours), the lanky
animal has caused some stir
among local residents and not just
a few TASNIS teachers.

On one occasion, Hip stuck his
head through the gate leading to
Moldharbour Lane and startled
local pizza deliveryman Ricky
Tickles just as he was dropping off
a pizza to hungry students.

I was delivering two family-size
corn and cucumber pizzas to a
couple of girls in Shepherds Pie
dorm when all of a sudden a large
animals head popped right
through the gate and attempted to
bite through my special insulated
pizza delivery pouch. I jumped
back quickly, but out dropped the
free garlic bread all over the lane!
The girls were furious when they
Wblle many bave enjoyeo tbe glratte's
playtul presence, otbers bave complalneo
tbat lt's not talr tbat tbe Heaomaster ls
alloweo a glratte on campus wben otber,
less tortunate people, are not.
to allow certain administrators
who shall go nameless to have a
pet giraffe when the practice is
clearly forbidden by neatly painted
signs all over campus. he
declared.

Other giraffeless faculty residents
were quick to agree. Id like
nothing more than to have a pet
giraffe here in my miniscule
apartment, said Sue Winterfield.
If the Headmaster has a giraffe,
then we all should have giraffes!
she continued.

Headmaster Beane was shocked
when he heard that Hip had caused
so much controversy. I honestly
believed that it was within my
prerogative to purchase a giraffe. As
a matter of fact, most headmasters
that I know of in the States have pet
giraffes, he said.

Still, some faculty are happy about
Hips presence on campus. Slower
School teacher Windy Getaman
expressed her support: I think that
its wonderful that we have a least
one giraffe here and people should
be grateful for that. It would be nice
to have a whole herd of them, but
right now thats just not possible,
she told the Tatler.

With Headmaster Beanes
upcoming departure to the US,
both the sense of fun Hip the
giraffe brought to the campus and
the controversy he caused will
soon pass until something or
someone takes his place.
TA5Nl5 5tudents, Teachers
CeIebrate "lnternet Week"
The Co-curricular Committee,
after three years of deliberation,
altercation, and sensation, has
announced several new activities
to add to the growing roster of
requirements for students.
Office Supply ClubStudents
discuss various office supplies and
their use in the real world.
Practice with stapling, hole-
punching, and using colored copier
paper properly are among the
many areas where hands on
experience is offered.
Car Washing ClubStudents
get the chance to wash
administrators cars as well as
learn the latest techniques in
waxing and detailing expensive
vehicles.
Babysitting ClubStudents find
out what its like to take care of
children with twice-a-week
babysitting for staff members.
Tool ClubStudents learn how to
operate various tools as they assist
the maintenance department with
routine repairs.
Club ClubStudents discuss
proper club formation, the
advantages and disadvantages of
forced participation, the best days
for meeting and other issues of
interest to the terminally
unmotivated.
Security ClubStudents learn
the latest security techniques as
they assist the TASNIS security
squad while delivering packages
and operating the security pole.
New Activities
Announced
Internet Week I was able to go
online, do a little cutting and
pasting and put together a term
paper in just over an hour that
would ordinarily have taken me
weeks! the excited student
remarked.

The week-long event required a
great deal of planning and
financial support from the school,
explained Computer Coordinator
David Gypsum. We increased
bandwidth, added more routers,
and invested in several hundred
new TASNIS mouse pads.

Headmaster Larry Beane summed
up the event by saying, Anytime
we can spend this kind of money
for a week without any kind of
network outage its definitely
worth it. Im proud to be a part of
TASNISs continuing efforts to do
what other schools have been
doing for years.

Beane said that planners hope to
extend the event to two weeks by
the 2006-2007 school year.
Students, teachers,
administrators, and several
nearby construction workers
enjoyed Internet Week at
TASNIS. The long-awaited special
event was marked by one entire
week of uninterrupted internet
access.

It was amazing! said teacher
Bert McClelland of the event. I
was able to send and receive
emails, grade reports, surf the
webeverything! he added.

Students also enjoyed the event,
swarming to the computer lab and
library to play online games and
download music and movies.

Sophomore Willard Williams told
the Tatler: I downloaded like
five movies and maybe a thousand
songs. It was awesome!

Boarding students stayed up all
night sending each other
messages on MSN and viewing
downloaded copies of Friends,
according to Williams.

For some students, the celebration
could not have come at a better
time. Junior Sue Cheatham had
put off writing a science term
paper for weeks and was in danger
of failing. With the special
PAGL 3 THL TASN| S TAT' LLR
vOLUML 4, | SSUL 1
TASN|S aomlnlstrators Mlcbelle Wager ano
Carollne Flagstatt look tor new jobs on tbe
worlo-wloe-web ourlng |nternet Week.
I downloaded like five
movies and maybe a
thousand songs. It was
awesome! Sophomore
Willard Williams
Several TASNIS staff members
are complaining that they have
never been mentioned in the pages
of The Tatler and may take legal
action against the paper. The
group, headed by Chive Unless,
are planning a protest outside of
publisher Steven Myrears dorm
room next week.

If our protest fails to get Myrears
attention, then perhaps a at trip to
court will! said Unless.
Other teachers planning to protest
include Marine Allbridge, Lisa
Kayak, Karen Flock, Debbie Sad,
Ellen Raw, Rob Budgens, Bobbi
Tortilla, Debbie Bored, Jane Blah,
Christy Amie, Snakbar Con, Jim
Dander, Jerry Lewis, John
Roamer, and Cynthia Yourondeck.

Budgens remarked, I just want
Myrear to wake up and listen and
then hopefully something good will
come out of it.
5one PeopIe Never Mentioned in Tat'Ier
TASN|S stuoents mooel tbelr new securlty
style unltorms useo tor Securlty Club.
New TA5Nl5 "5eIf-Acceptance"
Adnission PoIicy UnveiIed This Week
Name _______________________________________________________________
Address ______________________________________________________________
Phone ______________ Occupation of parent(s) _____________________________
Name of bank _________________________________________________________
Account no.______________________ Balance ______________________________

1. Are you now or have you ever been between 2 years and 22 years old? _________
2. Are you able to get someone to write an exaggerated recommendation? _________
3. Are you now able to read or write in any ancient or modern language? _________
4. Are you able to operate separate hot and cold water taps on your own? _________
5. Have you ever been expelled from school or committed a recent crime? _________
6. Will you simply ignore the Student Handbook and do whatever you want? ________
7. Are you able to wire transfer 25,0000 to TASNIS without delay? ________


TASNIS The American School NOT in Switzerland

Application for Admission
DIRECTIONS: Fill in the blanks below, answering each question as accurately as possible. When you are
finished, you will know whether or not you have been accepted. Sign and return to TASNIS with your payment.
HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR ACCEPTANCE: If you answered questions 1-6 with a yes or no and
question 7 with a yes then congratulations, you are accepted! If you answered questions 1 6 with a
yes or no and question 7 with a no then were sorry, you should either save up a bit more or apply to
a more selective school. In either case, please include your 100 application fee with this form.
Bank managers signature ________________________________________________
Designed to streamline the
admissions process and to get
better numbers the TASNIS
admissions office has announced
the creation of an all new self-
acceptance application form.

TASNIS Director of Admissions
Brownwing Thornbird shared
the new plan to the media
Monday evening. It became
pretty clear to us that we were
employing far too many staff
members here in the admissions
office to open, read, and review
applications for students that we
knew we were going to accept
anyway, she announced at the
gala media event.
Molobarbour Lane
Tborp, Surreysblre
TWA UR6T
LNGLAND
TA5Nl 5~THE AMERl CAN
5CHOOL NOT l N
5Wl TZERLAND
Pbone trom US: 011-44-1932-555252
Pbone trom UK: 01932-555252
Pbone trom Tborp: 555252
Pbone trom TASN|S: 0
Fa: Not wortb trylng
Lmall:tasnlsbeaomasterssecretary@tasnls.
com.co.uk.eou
|t you really neeo to contact us . . .
Upper School head Armen
Carmistead was quick to support
the new plan. As a former
counsellor, I certainly know the
value of self-acceptance and the
new admissions policy will not
only help TASNIS financially,
but will help each prospective
student emotionally. Its truly a
win-win situation, she shared at
the unveiling of the new form.

Thornbird said that even in its
first few days, the program has
been very successful. Weve
gotten several applications
already and nearly all were self-
accepted. Its truly a good
feeling, she said with a smile.