Alan Brugnoli: Long-Term Astronaut By Sadrac Alfaro 10/02/11 Characters: Alan Brugnoli Vivian Jones Donald Stonechest Jenny

Sanders INT.- A bar in Cape Canaveral. VIVIAN and JENNY, a couple of cougars, are sitting together chatting excitedly/nervously. JENNY Well, it's almost 8 o'clock. They should be here any minute. Ooooh, this is gonna be fun! VIVIAN I'm a little nervous. I mean, I've been on blind dates before, but I have a weird feeling about this. JENNY Oh, quit worrying! How many times do I have to tell you? You'll never find a husband unless you come out of that shell of yours! (Grabs VIVIAN and shakes her violently) VIVIAN (annoyed) Look, Jenny. I really appreciate you convincing me to give online dating a chance, but couldn't we have picked a more... mainstream dating service? Like eHarmony or something? JENNY Ok, ok. I admit, I was just as surprised as you when I heard NASA had a dating service. But then it dawned on me. These are ASTRONAUTS we're talking about. That implies three things: They're in excellent shape, they're smart, and above all, they have MONEY. VIVIAN Yeah, but -JENNY Ooh! I think this is one of them now! DONALD STONECHEST, tall and handsome, walks in. DONALD Is one of you ladies Jenny Sanders? JENNY (tiny excited shriek) That's me! DONALD I'm Donald Stonechest. It's nice to meet you, Jenny. You look even more stunning than I'd hoped. JENNY (poorly-restrained excited laugh)

DONALD I just got back from a six-month mission on the International Space Station. I gotta say, Jenny... I've seen some spectacular views while orbiting around up there, things only a handful of men have been lucky enough to witness... (takes JENNY's hand) but they look like complete space garbage compared to how beautiful you are. And I once saw a shooting star crash into a satellite carrying 100 tons of Chinese fireworks. JENNY (smitten) Wow... that does sound beautiful... DONALD Yeah, a lot of people died. So, you wanna dance? JENNY Sure! (turns to VIVIAN) I'll see ya later, Viv! VIVIAN Have fun, you two! DONALD and JENNY head to the dance floor. As DONALD exits, he silently retracts his arm in a score! gesture behind JENNY's back. ALAN BRUGNOLI, short, without a neck, and wearing a terrible toupee, walks in. His entire body looks like he's slowly being crushed by a bus. With great difficulty, he makes his way over to VIVIAN, who is in utter shock. ALAN Vivian Jones? VIVIAN Uh... yes? ALAN I'm Alan Brugnoli. NASA sent me. VIVIAN You're an astronaut? ALAN I know, I know. You thought they were gonna send you someone like Stonechest over there. Well, I'm sorry to break it to ya, but your original date couldn't be here tonight. I forget why, exactly. Something about dying in a fireworks explosion. Anyway, I was next on the reserve list so here I am. VIVIAN Great. Just my luck. ALAN Hey! I'm ten times the astronaut anyone on that list will ever be! Alright? Those amateurs are only up there for six months at a time. You know how long I've been up there? Thirteen straight years! Oh,

that reminds me, you must excuse my posture. My body isn't used to all this gravity. VIVIAN You look like in you're in a lot of pain. ALAN Yeah well looks can be deceiving. VIVIAN You're ears are bleeding. ALAN Look, lady, I think it's best we just drop it. I'm perfectly able to go on with our date. VIVIAN Oh, ok. Sorry. ALAN So, uh, what do you do for a living? VIVIAN I'm a dance instructor down at the community college. ALAN Oh, a dance instructor, eh? That sounds really interesting. You know, I used to be a pretty good dancer back when I was studying to be an astronaut. VIVIAN Really? ALAN Oh yeah. All that's changed now, though, what with my severe osteoporosis. FUN FACT! Astronauts lose about 2 percent of their bone mass every month in space. Haha! So I've gone from having 206 bones to about... twelve? I don't know, a lot of them just kinda instantaneously fused together as I re-entered the atmosphere. VIVIAN Oh my god, that's awful! ALAN It's not so bad. I'm sure I've still got some of the ol' moves I had back in astronaut college. Come on, let's go to the dance floor. VIVIAN Are you sure? ALAN Yeah, let's go! VIVIAN walks over to the dance floor where DONALD and JENNY are dancing. ALAN makes his way over very slowly, wincing with every step. VIVIAN dances next to ALAN, who is just trying to hold himself

up. She tries to put her arms around his shoulders but his knees give out and he falls to the floor. His toupee peels off of his skull. DONALD and JENNY look disturbed but keep on dancing. VIVIAN Oh! I'm so sorry! ALAN No, no! I'm fine! Haha! Don't tell me you don't remember the worm! ALAN starts twitching pathetically on the ground. After a few seconds, he starts gasping for air. VIVIAN Alan? Alan, are you ok? ALAN (gasping for air) FUN FACT! The weight of my shirt is crushing my ribs! VIVIAN helps ALAN up and places his toupee back on his, but puts it back on slightly crooked. The weight of the toupee pushes his head further into his shoulders and is accompanied by a loud cracking noise. VIVIAN Look, let's just head back to the bar. ALAN (wheezing) Yes, please. VIVIAN helps ALAN over to the bar. VIVIAN Wow, that was a pretty nasty fall you had over there. ALAN I'm fine. My NASA-issued adult diaper broke most of my fall. And pelvis. VIVIAN Did -- did you say adult diaper? ALAN Yep, that's how we do it up in space. It's convenient and inconspicuous. Why I bet you didn't even notice how violently I soiled myself while giving you that explanation just now. VIVIAN (trying to hide disgust) Look, Alan. You're a nice guy, but I think we should maybe reschedule our date? At least until you're a little better adjusted to life back on Earth. ALAN Nonsense! I think I just need some food in me. I haven't eaten all day.

VIVIAN Um, here. (hands him a bowl of complimentary peanuts) Want some peanuts? ALAN No, thanks. See, my digestive tract can't handle solid food anymore. I've been on a steady diet of pureed salisbury steak since 1998. One of those peanuts would seriously tear my insides to shreds. FUN FACT! These diapers? Not so good at absorbing blood. VIVIAN Oh, that's it! I'm sorry, Alan. I'm going home. This is too much for me. Just as VIVIAN is about to leave, DONALD walks up to them. DONALD Hey Brugnoli! You bled all over the freakin' dance floor. My date slipped and twisted her ankle and now she doesn't wanna put out! You and me, outside, right now! I'm kickin' your ass! ALAN You really don't wanna mess with me, Donald. You won't win. DONALD Are you kidding me? You're pretty much just a giant fetus in clothes! ALAN Perhaps, but you've overlooked one important thing. Sure, you may beat the living crap out of me tonight. But remember, who spends most of their time orbiting Earth? Me. I'm watching your every move, 250 miles above you, at all times. One of these days, you might be sitting on your patio, looking up at the stars when all of a sudden you see what appears to be a shooting star. Before you know it, a used adult diaper traveling at five miles a second slams directly into your face reducing you and anything within a mile of you into a smoldering stinky crater. Is that what you want, Donald? DONALD I'll see you in hell, Brugnoli. (walks off) VIVIAN Wow, Alan, I must say, you handled that well. I'm really impressed. ALAN Yeah, well, I have a lot of time to myself up there. My only hobbies are exacting revenge on everyone who has wronged me in the past, figuring out how to exact revenge on those who might wrong me in the future, and getting exposed to massive amounts of solar radiation. VIVIAN Um, you just dropped a tooth. ALAN It happens. Say, ya wanna come back to my place and join the 250 mile

high club? VIVIAN (sighs) Why not? I admit, I think I totally misjudged you. (she and ALAN start heading towards the exit) Honestly, I get this warm fuzzy feeling just being next to you. ALAN FUN FACT... that's definitely all the radiation emanating from by body. FIN