“The Friday Aggravate” 10th March 2006

A story from a secretary....

"A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen,
but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling
people not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper
and scrawled on it. I left
before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my colleagues comes in laughing and says she was just in
the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what
she found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to!"

Pets.

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. I went to the pet
shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box, which could
also be used for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I
would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and
have a beer?"
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time. This time I put my face up
against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Queen's
Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ng shoes on."

I mentioned in one of my emails about a website I found called Joke Centre and “Jenny
Wren” found the one below. While not a joke it does how ever explain a common saying.

“Some real pearlers there indeed. This site has a great spell check system...although I
couldn't get it to accept pearlers.....maybe a true Aussie saying as we have the world's
greatest pearls??” (JW)

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many

freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired
round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a
good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them
from rolling about the deck? The best storage method
devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on
top resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on
sixteen. Thus, a supply could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon.

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There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling
from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "monkey" with 16 round
indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the balls would quickly rust to it. The
solution was to make "brass" monkeys" Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts
much more, and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature
dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs
would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey"

And all this time your thought it was an improper expression, didn't you? Source assures
me this is all true. Reference: www.eventsmagazine.net/ Humor/brass.html

From SueM:
My wife left me... And I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give
up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery
shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.

SueM has done it again.

• Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:

• Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

• Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

• Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.

• Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

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• Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

• Titanic: During ordeal, Roe's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

• Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

• Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

• Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

• Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica..ooh, let's not go there, either.

• Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

An old story with a new slant. (SusanE)

An Australian was sitting at the table of an outdoor café, reading the

newspaper while having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an
American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian
continued to read his newspaper, ignoring the American who,
nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the
whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and
replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's
inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The
Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course, we do, only we call it jam here."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we
eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

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The American smiled and said, "Why, of course, we sure do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the American.

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Which Sue this time?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family
member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but ! you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of
time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's
just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female
brains, because they've actually been used."

As the donor explained ”This should apply here also.”

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an
American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else,
for it

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 is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But
this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an
American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but
something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...
We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for
but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907.

Strangely, a similar letter appeared in the Tasmanian Advocate newspaper Monday 27th
February. The sentiments were the same as those expressed by two senior Federal politicians
the week before. Multiculturism is fine, but must comply with the laws of the land.

Time for some frivolity relating to pets. Cat or a dog? Thanks to Deb.

Why most people prefer dogs to cats........

TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG

CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from earth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
and soap.

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 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the *#&*% cat from tree across the road. Apologise to
neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil
wrap.

13) Tie the little *$#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if
they have any dogs.

DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

• ******

Some of the emails that arrive have quotations or one liners as a part of your
signatures. Well I had some sent by Harry & Rene that you may well consider,
or, if you are one of those people who address groups as a speaker may find
useful.

quotes from the famous, and not so famous

Have a nice day.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been
visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

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- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have
the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be
trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- ZsaZsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol,
caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was
here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

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I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out,
or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal