The Friday Aggravate 30th June 2006

Guess what? This is the last issue for this financial year. Tomorrow you can
look forward to getting your Group Certificates from your employers (if you are
lucky enough to have one) and even Centrelink will send you one, and pay the
postage as well. Johnny Howler and “Lou” Costello are already rubbing their
collective hands together in anticipation of ripping you off per the Australian Tax
Office and its minions. Good luck with your returns, some may need it. But don’t
tell them any little furphies, they have a habit of coming back and biting you on
the bum.

Oh I know some one who is going to kill me

for this. This person decided to walk a female goat
on a lead. The goat did a bolter, and the person
involved went base over apex only to be dragged
on HER Butt by the errant goat down the paddock.
“Madam Bunny” you will be more cautious about
what you take out on a lead in future I have no
doubt.

Photo: Kimsey the errant Goat. (A distant relative)

Ever thought of trying this?

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration

quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you
and your entire family. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free
bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with,

"It is a cultural thing - you wouldn't understand, pal."

Keep your Australian, English, or U.S.A. identity strong. Fly your national flag
from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car
bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on Australian, English and U.S. culture in the Moslem school
system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will
go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan
or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws. Insist that
local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of your life or soon be dead. Because
it will never happen!! It will not happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq or any

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other country in the world except right here in Australia or Britain or United
States, Lands of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians!

FEDERAL COURT RULING FROM THE MELBOURNE AGE, AUSTRALIA (AP)

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a
history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that
family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than
his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested
that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the
unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of
him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials,
the judge granted temporary custody to the Essendon Football Club, whom the
boy firmly believes are not really capable of beating anyone.

A very ugly woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids. The K-Mart Surprise
Spruiker asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the spruiker, "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's
office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Alright," said the
doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the
girl, "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your
tongue."

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Oxley highway on a motorbike. Their
motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to
see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no
room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will have a look
at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now
and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy
bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back,
would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and
their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets
off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers
pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to
which he replies “Aboriginal Eggs”.

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The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens
the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what
emergency he has that requires so many officers. The Officer replies: "I've got a
wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the
bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

A police officer pulled over a red Toyota Supra after it had run a stop sign. "May
I see your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal,
there wasn't a car within miles of me". "Nevertheless sir, you are required to
come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta
be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to
come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and ..."

"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all the doughnut
shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop." "Sir, I can do better than that." The officer yanked open the car
door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him with his nightstick. "Now asshole, you want me to slow down or come to a
complete fucking stop?"

Four yank regulars were playing their weekly

game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would
be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round. His
buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll
make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here
early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there

they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy
this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such
a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the
manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have
lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great
morning, is it Intercourse or the Golf Course and she said... "Take a sweater - it's
a bit cool this morning..."

A small zoo in West Virginia had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make
matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

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Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,
like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a
female of any species.

The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under
four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The zoo keeper
quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "You can never tell no one
about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee
said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last of all, Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up
with the $500.00."

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She

browses around, then spots the perfect car - a
BMW 2.8i M3 and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a

loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up now. As she turns around,
there standing next to her of all people is a
salesman.

"Good afternoon, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she
asks, "Tell me sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame,
if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the
price!"

A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a buddy
down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and the
farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the boars.
He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how
he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the
sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the
mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts
them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This
continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the
heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check today." With that, the
wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the back of
your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"

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A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. This wasn't
really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use them, but the
cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the following sunrise.
That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can one last wish, within
reason, of course, before meeting his fate the following morning. The cowboy
replies that all he really wants is to see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When
the dog is brought by the Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers
something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, he
returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it right
this time -- go into town and get the posse!"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.
Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

Affairs. The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her
place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8
PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where
have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having
an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard - you've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The
wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my
back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest

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private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private
part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his
briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe,"
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over
him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you,"

she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I
liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they
went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like
that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir,
that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much
for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he
doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I
have something I Must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he
insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
the poison work."

OK, try and figure this one out. If you know the answer let me know!!!!!

3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30.00, so
each man paid $10.00 and went to the room.
A while later the man behind the desk realised that the room was only $25.00 So
he sent the bellboy to the 3 guy's room with $5.00
On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5.00 evenly between 3
men. So he gave each man $1.00 and kept the other $2.00 for himself (perks of
the job).
This meant that the 3 men each paid $9.00 for the room, which is a total of
$27.00, add the $2.00 that the bellboy kept = $29.00

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So where is the other dollar?

Note:It could well be in the way accountants can make numbers tell all sorts of
stories, or, perhaps the old trick of counting your fingers and convincing a child
that you have eleven, not ten.

Carefull for what you ask for: A married couple is driving along a highway
doing a steady 50 kilometres per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her
husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice, "Darling," he says, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 90 kph. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better
lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly
increases the speed to 55. The husband confidently says, "I want the house." The
wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to
100 kph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 140 kph. "And," he says, "I want the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car veers towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there
anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything
I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 160 kph, the wife turns to him smiles and
says, "The airbag!” Courtesy of <shtysmitty69>

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says

to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me
condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and
I think I may be in with a chance!" The
pharmacist gives him the condom and as the
young man is going out; he returns and says,
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too. She always crosses her
legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The
pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the
boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's
mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she
always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting
me to make a move!

his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his
head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you
give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised

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than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you
were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Courtesy of: Harry, (Sir Loyne of Beaf.)

This week, and in fact this financial year I’m going to leave you with a
short story that sums up life. My thank go to a certain Maureen who
appears in my life occasionally for sending this on to me to share.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which
she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was
perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from
the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a
half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But
the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it
could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one
day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes
water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the
path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about
your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we
walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the
house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that
make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take
each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the
flowers on your side of the path!

Till the 7th of July, I’ll say Bye bye. Please remember not to tell any lies to the ATO
as we don’t want to read in the papers that . . . . . . . . . . . . . has gone to jail for
fraudulent tax returns.