The Friday Aggravate.

7th July 2006

Ah ha, so we start another financial year with the bank balances standing at nil. So
dear friends off to the salt mines to keep body and soul together. If it was boot repair
business we would keep uppers and soles together, or just plainly heel you. Dyeing is
out of the question. So that stitches up this story.
Damned puns everywhere.

Our correspondent from the Ambo service sent these in titled “Don’t mess
with little girls.”

A little girl: was talking to her

teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically

impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a
very large mammal its throat was very

small

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will
in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall
not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's
a Doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the
matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood
doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted on the apple tray:

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"Take only ONE. God is watching"

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if
it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about
15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A blonde lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been near a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A
technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking
machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that
thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore in Burnie and saw a 'Honk if you
love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord
and how good He is and didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy, when he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and
smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love.

There must have been a man from St Helens back there because I
heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another
guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in
the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what
that meant, he said that it was probably a Queensland good luck
sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Queensland,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this
religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out
of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what

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church I attended, but this is when I noticed the lights had changed. So, I waved to
all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed
I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again
and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I
slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Queensland
good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've
decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big
sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go
talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his
mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I
would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly
whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my
birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head four
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The
father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The
son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been
an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the
road, pushed it up to 130kmh, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he
looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights
flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored
it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmh to escape being stopped.

Then he thought to himself, 'What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch
up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the
driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes - if you can give me a good reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the
Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you
were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place.

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The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it
could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept
nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice
and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's
draught horse suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing
her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding
ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper
something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a
man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no
and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behaviour, the pastor later asked the farmer what that
was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I
borrow that draught horse?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all
booked up for a year.'"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when on turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and
pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!".

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I
screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet
water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom,
then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she
acts like she's sound asleep. It Works every time!!

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string
- Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and
asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?" Swen says,
"Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!"

So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and
says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!" Ole no more than gets in the door when he
says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us." Lena is
really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.

Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole
and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the

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keyhole." So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit
us?"

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in
it. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said .. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not
askin' again."

Irish Hobbies. This is a funny one, well worth reading.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to
Paddy, "Dat's dem. The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, "says
Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n'dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE....
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He has been to the pet shop too and walks
up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free, He then throws himself over the edge of the
cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in
his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET.....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to
the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the
chicken its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head."Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to
do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other!

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 DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner? Can I help you with Where would you Here, have some
dinner? like to go for dinner? chocolate.
Are you wearing Wow, you sure look WOW! Look at you! Here, have some
that? good in brown! chocolate
What are you so Could we be Here's my paycheck. Here, have some
worked up about? overreacting? chocolate.
Should you be eating You know, there are Can I get you a glass Here, have some
that? a lot of apples left. of wine with that? chocolate.
What did you DO all I hope you didn't I've always loved Here, have some
day? over-do it today. you in that robe! more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Midsection
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one ...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good
laugh! Or men who need a warning

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and
closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside
the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde!

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The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me,
how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of
her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and
takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?"
asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and
removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the
Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet
suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how
long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and
Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Cars Vs. Computers (Very funny)

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have
enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM
had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM

had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

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3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to
shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifte d the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the
old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their
computer

Sad News: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment, it is worth
reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.

Shut up! You know it's funny.