The Aggravate 25th August 2006

The other day I was speaking to my old mate

“The Laird” (Yes he is older than me.) who
passed on sad tidings that he had recently been
diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. ~~
That's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifested itself and I Quote:

“I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose

in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my
car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is
mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail
before I ash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can Under
the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the
table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the
table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my
desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of
Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I
should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the kitchen bench, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the
counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone
left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set
the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I
head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: The driveway was flooded.
The car wasn't washed, The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
There is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.”

Ah well, maybe he will have a better day tomorrow.

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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp
drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the
Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round!
--
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to calm
the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined
like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
--
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office. The doctor said, "I'll be
doing a vaginal examination now." She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really
necessary?" Boy, did he get mad! "Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here
- you or me?"
--
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice, you know
it pays to be a blonde sometimes.

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring: "Where did you
get that ring?" husband asks. Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto
and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get
that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we
won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming Ferrari, "How could
you afford that car?" her husband asks. You guessed it: Her share of the lotto
winnings.

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets
undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough
water in the bath to cover the plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well,"
he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second, from London, responds, "Yes, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, from Berlin, says, "Nien, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Paris chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers... those men always understand when you have a few parts left over."

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But the fifth surgeon, from Sydney, Australia shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. "There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arsehole are
interchangeable!"

How about some Social Studies, or a history lesson

maybe.

Subject: France

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from
these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been
governed by prostitutes."
--Mark Twain
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
--Marge Simpson
------------------------------
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting
in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin
---------------------!
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on
average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and
drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and
drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know."
--P.J. O'Rourke (1989)
------------------------------
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940's
who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
--John Mc Cain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
------------------------------
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out
of Iraq After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either."
--Jay Leno
------------------------------
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof ' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
--David Letterman
------------------------------
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."

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--Ted Nugent
------------------------------

"War without France would be like World War II."

--Unknown
------------------------------
"The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First
Iraq, then France.'"
--Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national
will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they
needed us."
--Alan Kent
-----------------------------
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack,
each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply
of mistresses in the house."
--Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles
in Iraq."
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"Raise your right hand if you like the French, ... raise both hands if you are
French."
--Unknown
------------------------------
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And
that's because it was raining."
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run, to Hide. The
only two higher levels in France are Surrender, and Collaborate. The rise in the
alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of
fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks
display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a
nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

4
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Nightclub. The
place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while
the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However,
when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the barman, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The
barman replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man
in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the barman
showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long
enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the barman and
said, "Sir, I don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" Well, now
they know you're one of us," said the barman, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I
still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the barman, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up,
the lights go out. Now, how about that drink...?"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I
don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is
that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you,
just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I
figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No... I'm a
little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's
an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions..."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the
bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take
two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some
genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes
before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled,
the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of

5
them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he
do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the

country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck
asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in
disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch
these lips."

The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit,
me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors,
but there is no fucking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically
"wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to
scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of
notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in
class?

I'll tell you why - BECAUSE PAPER CAN’T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that
shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in
the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought that
paper would protect you!"

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with
Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the
last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every
man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
right in front of the priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.

6
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and
dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."

Dave and Paul were having a couple of quiet beers at the neighbourhood pub.
"What's the matter?" asked Dave of his cobber. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a bloody disaster."

UPSET WIFE (From Sir Loyne of Beaf.)

She came home early and found her husband in

their bedroom making love to a very attractive
young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare

you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of
your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce
straight away!" And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell

you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me
for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and
let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the
ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing
that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I her the designer jeans
that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just
to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them".
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the
door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Its been a devil of a week, and Dianne had to top it off with this tale.

7
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
His pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do".
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old
man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound,
horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope" said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your
sister for 48 years."

Go to the sites. They are for real. These are hilarious...

Can you believe these? What in the world were they thinking?

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

Attn: Entrepreneurs

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a
domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just
as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following
(legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly
didn't give their domain names enough consideration: (check them out... they are real!!!!)

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents
a celebrity. Their domain name is
http://www.whorepresents.com/
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and
views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com/
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net/
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com/

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5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
http://www.powergenitalia.com/
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New
South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
http://www.cummingfirst.com/
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
http://www.speedofart.com/
10 Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
http://www.gotahoe.com/

Okay well that's me for this week and I can

safely say I'm more surprised than anyone I
managed to get this update finished. Thursday
started with me way behind schedule but
somehow it's all miraculously come together.
Rather than congratulate myself I will gladly
settle for a nice warm bed preferably with
someone in it (me).