The Friday Aggravate 29th October 2006

From Bertam Athorv: A very self-important college freshman attending a

recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting
next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We have nuclear energy,
electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..."and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer...
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're
right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.. .....so we invented
them. Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are you doing for the next
generation?"

Don’t you just love Senior Citizens, and Seniors Week in Tassie.

Now Ma’m Wabbit, how could you do this to me?

One Hole Behind: A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady
up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know
what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He
saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to
bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he
could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking
and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what
she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper, and I'm still one
hole behind you."

Especially included for the “color47.”

Hows these for Friday Regards, “Harry in a hurry.”

A petrol station in Donegal Ireland was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign
saying "free sex with Full Tank"
So Paddy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick
a number from 1 to 10 . If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy said 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was sex. Sorry, no sex
this time.

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A week later, Paddy with his mate, Pat, pulled in and filled up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy said 2. Again the proprietor said "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this
time.
As they were driving away, Paddy said to Pat "I think that game is fixed and he doesn't really
give away free sex"
Pat replied, "No it isn't Paddy, my wife won it twice last week"

Baby's First Dr.'s Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in
for the baby's first examination. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed?
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You
don't have any milk"
"I Know", she said "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

I OWE MY MOTHER!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to

kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and
eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on
the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is
gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through
it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I've told you once, I've told you a
million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and
I can take you out just as quickly."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your
father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you
get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your
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eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow
up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you
think you were born
in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Stutter Shirley: Don't shoot the messenger! LOL

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the
store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk: ''Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have
dildos; actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo "inchesss ththiickk that
vibbbrrraaaattttesss?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
The poor old lady replies, ":Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffff******nggg ttthingggg offffff?"

That one is for the next door neighbour of the “Black Rose” over East.

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah

Winfrey.
She said, "Mr. Burns how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always
working and at your age I think that is remarkable.
Mr. Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have
ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left
hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself
with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance
and have it better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Tell me, does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my
wallet."

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 A married couple are driving
along a highway doing
a steady 80kms per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks
in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a
divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps
looking at the road ahead but
slowly increases her speed to
90kmh.
The husband speaks again. "I
don't want you to try and talk
me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a far better
lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but
grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the
speed to 100kph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently….
Up to 110kmh.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
140kmh.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 160kmh, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!! Don't mess with them!!

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that 'magic`. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep
pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! "Yeah" I said,
"just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider
these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me
saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds
myself!" she giggled... So I told her to bugger off.

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and
said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend." She took a look, gathered up her
clothes, and then said, "Call me when it grows up."

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play,
he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

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All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have
any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!" Then POOF!! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Fred, where are
you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back,
"DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter
to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is
the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they
waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven,
SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the
couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!"
St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have
ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

My mate George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He
wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever.
After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad
girls".

One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young
women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and
flashes her. "Well, Janice," he says, "what do you reckon this is?" "Why, it's a
dick, of course," replies Janice instantly. Obviously, Janice has been with men
before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list.

Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too. "Tell
me, Christine, what do you think this is?" "It's your dick, George," answers
Christine. Off the list goes Christine.

His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing. "Mary, what
do you think this is?" asks George. Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute,
then finally answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry." "ARE YOU
SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be
sure." Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an
hour. "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."

George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's
their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time
to explain a few things to his wife. "Mary, I'm going to teach you something very
important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick." You call THAT a
dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see Frank's!"

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Now this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a
pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the
pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and
begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds.

He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up
another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares,
"This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked
tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him
to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth,
and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs
twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so
that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't
come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for
a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a
few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of
alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of
society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work
hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two.
That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolise and two wonderful
kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service
clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and
condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I
apologise if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who
consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping
statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun,
"The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to
some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink.
I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I
could never be seen going into such a den of inequity - it's out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is
quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this". "No my son, I could never enter such a
place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch"
you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the
bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of
them in this tin cup please".

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that bloody nun out there again!"

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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting
there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new
drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to
talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender
brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - A saltshaker, a shot of
Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and
the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you
drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt
on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool,
very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks
it... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he
turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles
widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"

The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the
pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise
you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her
room. Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky
sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..." "Just a
minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic roots?"

Well kids that's all for this week. All finished and if my weariness is anything
to go by then this edition was actually worth the time it took to surf and you will
all be itching for more!?

2 Italian Men On A Bus. A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

Let these be lessons to all corporate climbers.

Corporate Lesson 1

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the
doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 120?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak"
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory"
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish".
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world"
Poof! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life".
Poof! He’s gone.
"Okay, you´re up" the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
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The crow answered: "Sure, why not".
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, but I
haven’t got the energy".
"Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They’re packed with nutrients".
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but,

NOW we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're
a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay.......this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy fat
arse and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a Chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.......that's domination.
If she asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you try to keep yourself in shape...............you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache...you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
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If you don't..........there must be someone else.
Therefore: Men die first because they WANT to

To those of you wondering when I will return with a whole new one then
next Friday is the day and matter of fact every Friday is the day. If that
still isn't enough then go buy the local newspaper everyday then don’t
complain!

Bye!

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