Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
This morning I will sever the ties to my past, become truly independent.
“Is this torrential rain a bad omen?” I half jest to the psychiatrist as I pass him
in the corridor.
“No, it’s a good sign.”
I meet in a small room with two ministers, one Anglican, the other Quaker and
Patricia, a psychologist. On a table covered with a white cloth are a lighted candle
and letters to my parents. A weighty bag on the floor contains my natural mother’s
letters.
The ministers pray for my liberation from the oppression of my past. They
ask for inner healing, peace, love; for understanding and pity for those who mistreated
me.
We leave the building. The downpour has dwindled to a fine mist.
We approach a secluded garden. A log fire blazes in a giant brick incinerator.
Everything is ready.
I’m filled with a sense of awe in the presence of the primitive elements of
nature: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. Suddenly I feel shaky, fearful as I prepare to read
aloud words that hand back total responsibility to the perpetrators of the physical and
emotional abuse I suffered.
“Adoptive Mother,
Can you hear me…?”
Although I sensed that you really cared about me as a child, I was hurt and
confused when you beat me ruthlessly until I was sore and bleeding. I blamed myself,
convinced it must be my fault, that it was only me that you reacted to so powerfully, so
negatively. Shut off as you were in your own distant world I needed to break through
the iron control of your feelings. I longed for you to spend time with me, take a
fatherly, warm, loving interest in what I did and what I said, not tell me I talked too
much. I needed you to say you loved me, console me when children called me names
in the playground because I was adopted, not ignore the unhappiness I brought home
from school. I needed you to stand up to your wife, protect me from her daily sharp,
belittling comments. Instead, you read your newspaper, ate your supper, closed your
eyes, feigned sleep. You silently colluded with her cruelty.
If you had looked up you would have seen the tears running down my face.
Had you opened your ears you would have heard the desperation in my tone as I tried
to defend myself. Or did you hear? Were you aware of me silently begging you to
end that flow of evil words but chose to remain silent, too cowardly, too fearful she
might turn on you instead, crack the wall you’d built around yourself?
Those games of mine, “Let’s Nearly Defy Daddy”, went wrong, finished with
me being dragged off your knee before you could inflict even greater physical
damage.
Why didn’t you just once understand that I so wanted you to hold me, smile at
me, talk with me? I would have stopped at nothing to get you to notice me. I found a
possible cause for your nastiness only when you had Alzheimer’s, when for months
you acknowledged no-one. The last time we were together, in that hospital, our eyes
met and the light of recognition shone in yours.
“Daddy, you know me!” I said delightedly.
“Of course I do, darling,” you replied.
We both hugged so closely, so warmly...
Your wife looked at Les, bitterness distorting her face. She spat out the words,
“She always was her dad’s favourite!”
And I watched as you slid away once more to a place where no-one could
reach you…”
I cried that night. I’m crying today for what we missed, for the happy times
we never shared. I’m angry you didn’t show me your love openly before that brief
moment.
But to move forward I must let you go. I loved you then. I love you now – and
I need you to hear just how much you hurt me.
Marie
Dear Mum
This, my last letter to you, is the most painful…
Marie
Heather prays for peace, for an end to sadness and abuse. I conclude with a
prayer for courage to put closure on the past, to face the future bravely.
I place the papers on the flames, then empty the bag of Mum’s letters in
handfuls.
Grief sears through me.
We watch the blazing letters diminish to dying embers.
Suddenly the wind stirs blackened scraps of paper and ash, blows them swiftly
upwards.
“I’m honoured to be here with you,” Patricia says softly.
Back in the tranquillity of the candle-lit room, I place a vase of freshly picked
flowers and a smiling photo of myself on the table. The Anglican minister anoints my
forehead with oil.
I thank each one for being here, for sharing in this momentous experience that
has clearly affected us all.