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Into the Amazon - Las Pampas Tour

Forget, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My"....How about, "Alligators, Anacondas and Caimens, Oh Sh**." Bolivian Pampas Tours are known all over South America for two reasons: Absurd amounts of wild life and the cheapest prices around. The brochures mention swimming with alligators, hunting for anacondas, and chasing pink dolphins...but if there's one thing I've learned, especially in South America, its that brochures lie. Oh, we might see a few gators, a couple sparrows, and if we're lucky, a gardener snake...but boy was I wrong! Day 1 - Alligator and Caimen Spotting. What I initially thought to be a challenge, required nothing more then looking over my shoulder. Caimens, the larger and more deadly of the two, and alligators, the more common, yet still perilous cousin, lined the boggy shoreline. "Close encounters" can not even begin to describe the distance (or lack there of) between us and these man eaters. Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, could not have applied more. Unwavering, their dark, austere eyes danced with ravenous hunger and their wide grins showcased hundreds of razor-sharp teeth. Some chose to remain perfectly still, locked in a single, solitary pose, patiently waiting for the most opportune time to strike. Others, however, were not so tolerant and quickly slipped into the muddy waters below. Or, come to think of it, maybe they were just camera shy.

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Night 1 - Alligator and Caimen Spotting Before returning to the now, even more daunting and uninviting canals, we first had to make it to the boat. Witnessing dozens of alligators choose our campsite bank for their afternoon naps, left us more then hesitant revisiting the uncertain shores, now masked in darkness. After a wee bit of coaxing though, like only a Bolivian tour guide can do, Its seguridad, no muerte - Its safe, no death (yeah, real comforting), we collectively made a run for it. Like bats out of hell, we flew across the sand in one solid wave, simultaneously crashing into her bow and tumbling over the sides. Phew...Safe...for now. With sides stretching only 7 to 8 inches above the watery plane, our "low rider" boat left plenty of room for 'snack attacks', I mean, 'sneak attacks'. Eyes peeled and hearts racing, we could barely see 10 inches in front of us through the gloomy shadows, let alone 10 feet. Somebody needed to shed some light on this situation. So, Oscar didwith a flashlight. Instantly, blazing crimson eyes came to life on the nearby banks, pupils eerily dilating against the brilliant beam. Mesmorized by the copious amounts of firey dots suspended against the obscurity of night, our apprehensions melted away. Inadvertently dropping all defenses, susceptible to whatever demise these brutes had planned. Completely spellbound, the only antidote was a sudden dose of reality. Giving the red eyes a face, Oscar managed to bring one on board. Ok, so it was only a little guy, but he still comprised a bone crunching bite and the ability to easily, leave his mark on an unsuspecting tourist. He was the least of our worries though. What abut his mom? OK Oscar, I don't want to become a midnight snack, it's time to go! Despite the inexorable fear factor, there was one soothing aspect to the ride. The stars. With the placid lagoon in front of us, and thousands of stars shining immaculately above, an optical illusion played out before us. In the bleak darkness, it was hard to tell where the stars of the sky ended and the reflected stars of the water began. A single, disorienting blanket of stars swallowing every angle of vision. Day 2 - Anaconda Hunt Equipped with rubber knee high boots, and well, that's it, our hunt began in one of the hundreds of swampy marshlands lining the riverbed. Now, if traipsing through deadly snake infested waters is not bad enough, how about being told to "Spread out, we can cover more ground and have a better chance at finding a big one." Oh, and that comforting command is followed up with, "and if you feel something move under your boot, don't step down, call for me". Yeah, some sort of precaution, huh?

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I'm sure watching all those episodes of Animal Planet didn't help, but I really felt apart of a TV show. Nothing bad could happen to me, they do this all the time, it's TV magic. Until suddenly, my make believe show three-sixtied into reality TV. A cobra...a giant cobra! Pouncing on her from behind, Oscar grasped onto her slimy tail and flailed her into the air. Snapping and writhing for minutes, she desperately tried to bite her captor, but Oscar was to be named victor. Much more poisonous, aggressive, and elusive then the anaconda's, we were "lucky" enough to find one. Yeah right, more like, "Lucky it didn't find us". Apparently, anaconda's are much safer because of their tranquil, slow-moving nature. Now there's a phrase I never would have thought comforting, "It's better to find an anaconda". To my surprise though, Oscar was right. Managing to find two anaconda's, each one seemed more annoyed by our presence then frightened or enraged.

As we left the marsh that day, one more truth came out. Not only did anaconda's and cobra's inhabit the shallows, so did their deadly relative, the rattlesnake. With a vertical jump reaching over 2 feet and packing a deadly, venomous bite, Id say we were more lucky not to have found one of those. You know how some things are better off unsaid, well this was one of them. Ignorance is bliss Oscar.

Day 3 - Piranha Fishing Worms, small fish, and funny looking plastic thingies, all fishing baits I had used before. But raw meat? I must say, piranha's make fishing fun. Within seconds of casting, ferocious bites were already assaulting the line. Hungry, and up for the fight, these fishy carnivores would not go down without a fight. Even the jaws of life would have struggled to remove their steely bear trap teeth from the bait. If they were going to die, they at least wanted their last meal.

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Day 3 - Pink Dolphin Chasing and Alligator Swimming I've heard of dolphins living in rivers before, but pink dolphins? Trapped in the Pampas swamps from flooding hundreds of years prior, these pink beauties have adapted to survive in the dim shallows. Jumping, spurting, and playing just as much as their ocean dwelling relatives, finding a pod is not the difficult part, it's the activity that follows. The chance for bravery, or what some would call, stupidity. After spending days floating above these gator infested waters, it was time to go beneath them. Like most crazy things I do, what is voluntary for others, is mandatory for me. My mind would never let me live it down, if I didn't take the death defying dip. So, with me, myself, and I, and the rest of my boat looking on, I took the plunge.

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Oscar said the dolphins would keep me safe because the alligators, and worse, caimens, were afraid of them. However, as luck would have it, right when I went in, the dolphins went out. Went out of the area that is, happily swimming along to the next lagoon. Ahhhh....the banks were still swamped with these smiling fiends, smiles that only grew larger with each passing second. Swim, swim like you've never swam before! In my head, I kept replaying JAWS. Just waiting for a fin (or in this case) a scaley back to emerge from behind, slowly opening its mouth wider and wider until....the boat...I had made it. Get me out of here! Chalk it up as one of those things I'm happy I did, but dumber for doing. And that my friends, is what awaits you in the Bolivian Amazon. A tour that actually lives up to it's promises. Now there's a concept.

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