BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflicts in relationships are a fact of life.

No one is immune to them. The question is not if they will come—but rather what you do
with them when they do come. Without any governing principles or guidelines people
will fight in ways that lead to chaos and emotional pain.

People all too often fight in ways that leave lasting emotional scars. They neglect to deal
with things when they should, and then they overreact, causing destruction. In colloquial
terms, there are ways to fight dirty and there are ways to fight clean. What we want to do
is to fight without leaving any scars or permanent damage. By following the Bible this
can and should be done.

Conflicts are great catalysts for growth, agents of change. View them
positively!

When confronted by any issue (whether moral or non-moral) our actions are out in the
open. There's no place to hide. Perhaps we are doing something improper but we go on
sweeping it under the rug and pretending it’s not an issue. For years we hear sermons
about this subject and we kid ourselves about the matter. Then along comes someone to
confront us and all of a sudden we are forced to deal with this issue.

The critical question here is: How do we respond when we are confronted? Do we react
in anger, sorrow, or self-pity, or even a spirit of revenge? Or do we act in humility; with a
teachable spirit, viewing this as an opportunity for growth?

God could have miraculously taken away all conflicts among believers in their various
relationships. But God soverignely allows them in our lives for a variety of reasons.
Three of those reasons are the following:

Three Reasons Why God Allows Conflicts

A.To humble us
B.To test us
C.To cause us to grow

All people, Christians as well as non-Christians have conflicts; the difference is in the
way we handle them.

Don't be fooled into thinking that if you meet the right person and if both of you are
mature in the Lord, then you will be spared any conflicts! This kind of thinking will only
set you up for a disappointment later on. There are numerous examples in the Bible
where believers had differences among themselves. Paul rebuked the Apostle Peter and
Jesus rebuked the Apostles James & John [Luke 9:52-55]. It's important to realize that it's
not sinful to have problems; it's only sinful to handle them in improper ways.

It is possible to honor God through our conflicts

Surprising as it may seem, it is possible to please God and be a great testimony if we

handle conflicts in a God-honoring manner. In fact—the way we handle conflicts will
either be a great testimony or a poor one, depending on the way we respond. Think of
conflicts as opportunities for honoring God and being a good testimony.

Some unbelievers I know have actually commented on how gently my wife and I handle
differences between us. The world fights so brutally that people really take notice when
they see the difference that Christ makes. A number of years ago I helped a certain person
come to faith in Christ. Shortly afterwards we had what I thought was a little sharper
disagreement about some matter of discipleship. I thought I blew it with a new believer.
But much to my surprise he called me up and said how impressed he was with the way
believers can disagree and still remain on peaceable terms. I thought I came off a bit
harsh, but to him it was far better than the way the world fights.

Honor God, even through your disagreements. Make this your prime focus and you will
have great wisdom in dealing with difficulties. If you seek to honor God you will have
the strength to bear with petty differences without undue annoyance. If you seek God's
honor, you will be in control and won't go beyond proper bounds.

We sow the seeds for further discord by fighting improperly

If you are in a conflict and you say something careless or bring up something needless
and hurtful you can be fomenting future discord. In effect this is creating a growth-culture
for dissension. [Like an uncontained fire shooting sparks into a raging windstorm, an
uncontrolled conflict can spread into all directions.] Being a peacemaker is in the best
interest of both parties.

The worst fights are commonly over small or unimportant things

The important thing is to beware of anger over small or seemingly inconsequential things.
People's worst fights are rarely over weighty matters because they are able to think
through and work through these matters with care and deliberation. But small things are
more deadly. Perhaps this is because they catch you unawares and we are least prepared
for them. [They tell me that little rattlesnakes are actually more deadly than large
rattlesnakes. Watch out for those little issues!]

How a person handles conflicts is an important consideration in selecting a

spouse

When dating, it is important to take special note of often and how severe your conflicts
are. Some couples fight so much you would think the airlines were offering them
"frequent-fighter miles." It is terrible to fight over every little thing. And it is even worse
to fight destructively. If the person you're dating fights too often or too fiercely you
should reconsider your relationship or begin looking for someone else.

Unbiblical patterns in conflicts are a source of marital discord and divorce

Learning to handle difficulties is important because they are an ordinary part of living.
They are part of the adjusting process. If you have unhealthy patterns of fighting, you're
will escalate conflicts, inflict emotional pain, and add tension to what may already be an
unstable relationship.

PREREQUISITES

Before we can do the right thing in a confrontation we must first be the right kind of
people. This is a non-negotiable given. If we fail to exhibit godly Christian character,
then no "how-to" methods, no matter how successful, will work.

The first prerequisite is humility. This is so important. Why? Because we have to look
to ourselves and to our own weaknesses and feelings to keep things in proper perspective.
We need humility to keep from exalting ourselves or arguing from the vantage point of
supposed superiority.

Galatians 6:1-“ Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual
should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

The second prerequisite is love. If you don't love the person you don't have a right to
confront them. If you don't have love for the person you confront you won't have the
attitude of desiring God's best for him or her.

The Bible says: "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not
to please ourselves; let each of let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to edify
him." (Ro 15:1-2).

The third prerequisite is patience. We need patience in order to have proper self-
restraint and we need patience to hear the other person out. Impatience is a source of
anger and intolerance—and it has no place in conflict resolution.

A fourth prerequisite is to be without hypocrisy. If we are living a deluded lifestyle,

contrary to God's purposes for our lives, we can't see clearly enough to qualify for
correcting other people. If we want to confront somebody about an area of sin (or even of
non-moral issues) we must first have demonstrated victory in this area ourselves.

Α.1 Cor 13:4-“ Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful…”
Β.1 Cor 13:5-“ it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not
irritable or resentful …”
The prerequisites for receiving correction in a God-honoring manner are similar.
Humility is needed to keep the focus on God's glory and our growth. Humility is needed
to keep from getting resentful. Secondly we need a growth-orientation--a perspective that
says "I must grow at all costs;" "God may use confrontation as a tool to bring me where I
ought to be." Finally, teachability is important because it puts us in a receptive frame of
mind. The book of Proverbs has much to say about those who receive instruction and
those who don't.

PRINCIPLES FOR BIBLICAL CONFRONTATION:

Choose your battles carefully

You don't have to make an issue of everything--and you shouldn't make an issue of
everything. God is not pleased with quarrelsome behavior. You can't go through life
continually rebuking people. I once knew a man who was this way. It's amazing that he
had any friends at all. He seemed to feel that he had this as a special gift, and he tried to
exercise this gift every chance he got. He rebuked me so many times it was like having a
friendship with a porcupine. I finally rebuked him for rebuking me to much.

Confrontations should be relatively rare occurrences in life. If we go around confronting

too much, then it's a sign of spiritual weakness and impatience. Keep in mind that it is a
man's "glory to overlook a transgression."

We cannot follow exact same procedures for everybody. Be wise in the

application of divine principles

You can't use one method for every person. There are principles that are timeless and
firm, but the application of these principles may be flexible. Some people by nature are
more sensitive than others. You simply cannot speak to them with the same force as
others. Be wise and be sensitive to the "need of the moment."

Focus on issues and solutions

Never confront someone if you aren't interested in finding a solution. Don't say things in
a conflict just for the sake of saying them. Don't vent. Be a peacemaker and seek for
peace as your primary goal.

Ro 12:18-“If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all.” (RSV)

Ask yourself "What are the real issues involved?"

This will help give focus to your discussion and prevent rabbit-trails in all directions. If
you are discussing differences with someone try to think through the symptoms to locate
the root cause. Try to narrow things down to one (or at most a few) related issues.

Try to discuss what both parties are contributing to the problem, and then, what both
parties can do to contribute to the solution.

Don't let your emotions run out of control

Make sure the mind is in the driver seat; emotions have a habit of driving recklessly. Let
your mind regulate the heat of your emotions like a thermostat regulates the temperature.

Pre-decide your rules of engagement

The heat of argument is a poor time to think of proper boundaries. I would encourage all
couples contemplating marriage to make up a list of all the things they will not allow to
be done or said in their house. The men should take the initiative in this regard, in
consultation with their wives.

Reduce conflicts to the smallest dimensions

Prov. 26:20-“ For lack of wood the fire goes out.” Dealing with conflicts is like putting
out fires. One of the most important principles of fire-fighting is to contain the blaze and
prevent it from spreading. It does no good to chase a spreading fire. The key idea here is
containment. Here are three ways we can contain conflicts:

Don't bring up past conflicts

It's so important to have a sense of closure with past conflicts. Don't build up a supply of
weapons to bludgeon someone with. ["This is like the time you did such and such a
thing..." "and I still can't believe you did that thing."] God expects us to forgive others in
the way that He forgives us--and He doesn't require us to keep re-asking for forgiveness.

Don’t bring up unrelated points of contention (Pro. 26:21).

The fewer the issues to deal with the better. Some people end up with a three-ring-circus
when they have a discussion. During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was advised by
someone to declare war with Britain. Lincoln wisely responded that "one war at a time"
was enough.

Don't escalate matters

The rule of thumb is to lower tensions [the conflict] to the lowest possible level. Keep
calm, lower your voice, reassure the other person, affirm your common goals, be humble,
and work towards a realistic solution.
How you phrase things is of utmost importance

Pro. 25:12-“Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold

is a wise man's rebuke to a listening ear” (NIV).

Content alone is not enough. The packaging of the content is as important as the content
itself. The way you word what you say is a contributing factor in succeeding or failing in
conflict resolution. It matters not only what we say, but also how we word it.
Prov. 15:1-“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

• Prov. 15:4 says-“A soothing tongue is a tree of life.”

• Prov. 16:21 says-“Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”

If in courtship, pay close attention to the FREQUENCY and MANNER of

conflicts

Pro. 20:3-“ Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel.”
Prov. 26:21-“ {Like} charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to
kindle strife.”

When dating someone, it is actually an enlightening thing to experience some conflicts.

This is because they provide an opportunity to view how cleanly you fight and how well
you both can resolve your difficulties. When you experience difficulties and when you
see people at their worst you get a good idea of what people are really made of.

You may forfeit the right to complain if you haven’t first stated your
preference(s)

Unless you are dealing with Biblical issues or standards of common decency, you must
first convey your opinions about something before you have the right to complain about it
later. Don't rely on assumptions and don't expect people to read your minds. What's
obvious to you may not be obvious to another person. *EXAMPLE ["I hate it when you
buy those napkins!]

Learn to soften correction and stimulate response by skillfully asking

questions

The art of using questions skillfully is one of the best resources in dealing with people.
For one thing, it's important to ask questions before arriving at conclusions. Find out the
facts, ask the person their side before making accusations or gearing up for a big case
over what could possibly be a small issue. Secondly, suggestions or criticisms can be
rephrased as questions. When you rephrase statements into question form, you soften the
effect and stimulate thinking. God in the OT and Jesus in the NT often used questions this
way. [Illustration from Peter? Rather than making a statement, Jesus asked Peter, "Simon
(son) of John, do you love me?"]

After Peter denied the Lord 3 times, Jesus could have said "Peter, I'm offended by your
hypocritical love;" or else He might have said, "What a sinful act of cowardness how
could you, of all people have done such a thing?" What did Jesus actually say? “Simon,
{son} of John, do you love Me?” (John 21:16). That was all He needed to say--it was the
perfect thing to say. Peter got it loud and clear, and he was more convicted by the
question (repeated 3 times) than by a rebuke in statement form.

Intensity of confrontation should correspond to the importance or

recurrence of the problem

The idea here is to match the intensity and directness of your confrontation to either how
serious the problem is or how often it comes up. Don't make a bid deal out of a small
problem or something that has just started as a problem. Don't blow up weed patches with
atomic bombs. Our first dealings with a problem should be more casual and subtle; later,
if the problem keeps reoccurring, we can be increasingly direct in our approach.

No one has the right to withdraw from a confrontation before arriving at a

proper resolution (Pro. 3:27-28, Ro. 12:18, Heb. 12:14)

• Heb 12:14-“ Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no
one will see the Lord.”
• Ro 12:18-“ If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all.”
• Ro 14:19-“ Let us then pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up-
building.”
• Pro. 3:27-“ Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your
power to do it.”
• Pro. 3:28-“ Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come again, tomorrow I will
give it" --when you have it with you.”

Once in a discussion that requires resolution, no one should withdraw until the matter is
talked out sufficiently and the issue settled. (There are exceptions to this however;
sometimes one person has to make an appointment, or some other obligation--they are
not going AWOL on the discussion.) A half-settled argument is an on-going argument
[open-ended argument].

Even if the discussion is painful or frustrating, we have no right to escape from it.
Is the discussion painful? God may be using it as a test. Are we frustrated because the
communication requires so much effort? 1 Cor. 13:4 says that "love is patient." Tough
love consists of tough patience, and this is precisely what is needed if communication is
not functioning at its best. Stick it out and hang in there until the matter is settled.
In case of a husband/wife impasse, the husband’s authority prevails (1 Cor.
11:3; Eph. 5:23 )

There's no gridlock with God…no stalemate…no tie game. If a husband and wife have
talked things out, but cannot come to agreement on a matter, the Bible teaches that the
husband's authority prevails. By divine design God has entrusted to the husband
leadership and authority with which to wisely and lovingly rule the household. The
husband is not guaranteed the smartest decisions--but God does expect him to exercise
leadership in the home and to have the power to veto (break up an impasse with his vote).

However, this does not give him the right to be arrogant and to flaunt his authority, or to
run roughshod over other family members' feelings. He has no right to refuse to listen to
his wife, to withdraw from confrontational discussions, to act in anger, or to act in a non-
understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He has no right to exasperate his children or anyone else
in the family. He must love his wife even as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up
for it.

Because of the Biblical doctrine of 'male headship,' I place (and I believe God places) the
brunt of the responsibility for family growth, happiness, and harmony, upon the husband.
Since he is the one entrusted with leadership, he is the one chiefly responsible for leading
the family towards the goal of Christ-likeness.

COMPONENTS OF BIBLICAL CONFRONTATION

This is designed to be a general guideline--not a set of hard-and-fast rules. There are
times when wisdom dictates that some of these components are eliminated. I include a
full set so that you can draw from them as the need may arise.

I'd like to also add, that this list is for a longer and more formal discussion regarding a
problem area in a relationship. The first principle is to...

Affirm both the person and your common goals

When you are confronting someone, first of all affirm whatever positive qualities you can
about the person. [You may say that you value this person's friendship and that you've
appreciated the contributions they have made to your life.] Secondly, affirm your
common goals [you may say something like: "we both want a fair division of labor in the
house, and we both want to enjoy a clean house."] [This has the effect of reassuring the
person of your Christian love and desire for God's best for both of you. It also reassures
him that you are trying not to be unbiblically judgmental.] Next...

State how the problem affects you

Tell the person is such a way that it is clear that you are disappointed or frustrated with
something that is the result of this person's behavior. [It bothers me or hurts me when you
do such and such a thing...] It has a far different effect to say how something bothers you
rather than simply to point to the person's conduct. This is especially true if the person
you are confronting is a committed Christian, because if they are, they will be aware of
their obligation to love you and not offend you.

Use questions effectively

Use questions to learn the facts and to clarify matters. Look for opportunities to turn
criticisms or suggestions into question form. Instead of saying "That is sure a dumb thing
you're planning to do" you can say "Do you think that's a wise thing to do?" Instead of
saying "I think you should stop subscribing to 14 useless magazines every month" you
could say "Have you considered using the library for these magazines?" Questions like
these soften the tension and provoke thought rather than emotions.

Offer help: substitute behavior

If someone makes you unhappy enough that you feel it warrants confronting them, don't
just tell them what they did that bothered you. Tell them what they could have done that
would have avoided this problem. This is similar to the put-ons and put-offs in Scripture.
God doesn't just tell us what we shouldn't do--He tells us what we should be doing
instead.
EXAMPLES: "Instead of putting this thing here where it gets in the way, could you put it
somewhere else please?" of "The way you told me that the dinner was cold seemed a bit
harsh and made me feel belittled. If this happens again sometime and you want to inform
me that the meal needs to be warmed up, I would rather that you say it this other way
instead."

Enlist the help of each other

If there is a pattern of repeated improper behavior (and you have already spoken to the
person about it) you can ask them what they think you should do to eliminate the
problem. If you said something too harsh to another person, consider asking them what
you should have said instead that would have expressed your views without offending
them. [If they tell you what to say and you say it next time they lose the right to complain
about it.] This is a "mutual-teacher" perspective. It is especially effective in husband-wife
relationships where commitment is involved. [In my relationship with Allison, she is the
best teacher on how to love her and how not to offend her. Throughout our marriage she
and I are teaching each other and learning from each other how to love one another
better.]

Ask what you can do to improve the situation

This is related to the previous principle. Even when confronting another person who may
be primarily (or perhaps entirely) responsible for causing a problem, you can ask if there
might be something that you are contributing to the problem.
Discuss until you arrive at a RESOLUTION

This is the whole point of Biblical conflict resolution. We'll address this in more detail in
the next overhead.

Reaffirm each other and your common goals

After working on your differences, it is good to come full circle and reassure each other
(particularly in a marriage relationship) and to reaffirm your common goals. You both
want a happy harmonious home. You both want an orderly schedule and a fair division of
labor. You both want to be wise stewards of your resources. You both want a clean, well-
managed home. You both want to honor the Lord in your marriage and family.

Pray together

Following this it is helpful to pray. You can pray for your common goals, pray for God's
best in both of your lives, pray for wisdom and enablement, or even pray for forgiveness
and healing in your relationship.

Change the subject

After you're finished working on the problem and have resolved it peacefully, the silence
afterwards may be especially tense. You can break this tension and perhaps dispel an
atmosphere of gloom and hurt by changing the subject and moving on to something new.

WHEN IS A CONFLICT RESOLVED?

Mutual Understanding of Problem

• Nature and extent of the problem: How serious is it? How much does it involve?
• Why it is an issue? What are the root causes of the problem? Why does it bother
this person?
• How it affects the offended party ?What is my conduct doing to a brother or sister
in Christ?

There needs to be a full understanding of the problem. The solution can't be sound if the
problem isn't understood.

Both parties agree matter discussed sufficiently

All relevant, appropriate components of the matter should be allowed to surface. No one
should be cut short, or shortchanged in the resolution process. Healthy discussion of
important issues is a fundamental component of love. This is a key application of treating
one another in a compassionate and understanding way. There needs to be closure on
discussion as well as in the solution.
Steps agreed upon to solve the problem

Change is the goal of every conflict-discussion. Without a plan for remedying the
situation, the discussion may be little more than unproductive quarreling and bickering.
Everything in the discussion should be aimed towards this goal.

If possible the one doing the confronting should try to volunteer something that might
contribute to the solution. In this way humility is exercised and both parties have things
to work on.

Forgiveness (restoration)

There can be no resolution of the problem if there is no resolution of any breach of the
relationship.

Closure

If the matter is settled then the case is closed and must stay closed. There is a parallel
analogy in the way God forgives us. When we are forgiven, there is closure. God never
reproached anyone for past forgiven sins, and neither should we.

We are to be imitators of God in this!