All Cried Out by Hannah81 This story is submitted to be part of "The Break-Up Challenge".

Bella and Edward are happily married, or so Bella thought. What will happen when Bella discovers that Edward is cheating on her? Rated M for language. ~ Bella ~ August 2nd 2002 I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting my head fall forward slightly to pull my nerves into check. I took another deep breath and felt a small smile spread over my lips; I wanted this, I was excited. But standing up there, in front of all those people, was not something I was looking forward to. Are you ready? Alice whispered, turning her head over her shoulder to look at me. I opened my eyes and lifted my head so that I could look into my best friends eyes. She looked beautiful, and I felt a swell of gratitude towards her for the amazing support she had been for me over the past few months. I quickly allowed my gaze to sweep over the champagne colored dress she was wearing and I nodded my head with a smile. The double doors ahead of us opened and I could hear the rumble of dozens of voices talking at once. Nerves overtook me again, but Alice reached a hand out behind her for me to hold. I reached forward to grasp it and she squeezed mine gently; she always knew what I needed. I watched Rosalie and Tanya walk through the doors, and Alice and I moved forward. I watched my closest friends in the world walk away from me slowly, and as I watched their receding forms getting smaller my heart rejoiced; it was almost time for me. Alice quickly smiled at me over her shoulder before she joined Rosalie and Tanya. I counted to ten, then the music suddenly changed to a familiar tune and I heard the voices in the room ahead of me fall deathly silent. This is us, my Dad whispered in my ear before he looped his arm though mine, guiding me through the doors and down the long carpet

that my friends had just walked down. The mess of faces in front of me blurred together and the only thing I could focus on was Edward standing at the end of the aisle, waiting for me. His face glowed as he watched me walk towards him slowly and he gave me a little wink; a private moment for just us while surrounded by everyone we knew. Im so proud of you, Dad whispered as we neared the end of our walk, and I felt his hand squeeze mine gently. I love you, Daddy, I whispered, unsure why I had used the childish name for him, only knowing that, at that moment, it felt right. Love you, Bells, he whispered back, before he released me and went to sit by my mother. Edward held his hand out to me and I took it quickly, feeling immediately calm once we were touching. I looked into the eyes of the man I loved and knew that my life with him was going to be wonderful. He smiled and I saw the love in his eyes; love for me, for us, and for our future together. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan. December 24th 2004 Edward, I love you, too. Im so excited that we get to spend New Years Eve together! Love Tanya xxx I read the text message over and over, hoping that the truth would set in: Edward was cheating on me. I put his phone down on the bench and glanced out into the living room. I walked over to the Christmas tree that was standing in the corner of the room, mocking me with its illusions of joy, love, and family. I felt numb as I gathered the presents I had bought for Edward and placed them next to the front door. I neatly stacked them so that their shiny red and green bows didnt get crushed. I heard the shower turn off and slowly made my way back to the bedroom and opened his closet door. Babe, can you grab me something to wear? he called out.

I looked at his clothes hung neatly in front of me and selected a pair of dark wash jeans and a navy blue Nike t-shirt. Pulling open his top draw, I grabbed a pair of black boxer-briefs and stood by the bathroom door for what was our morning ritual. I knew that logically I should be yelling and screaming at him, and yet I couldnt bring myself to do anything but stand and wait for him to leave the bathroom. My heart was thudding in my chest, and I could feel my hands shaking slightly. Right on cue, the door opened slightly and his hand stuck out. I placed the clothes in his grasp and he pulled them into the bathroom, then closed the door loudly. Every morning I selected his clothes. He said he liked that I dressed him; that if he dressed himself, he would look like a mismatched vagrant. Normally I didnt mind this little quirk, but today, all I could think of was that I had selected the clothes he had seen Tanya in - his sex clothes. The bathroom door opened and he walked out looking every bit as handsome as I knew he would. His bronze hair was still wet and the little droplets gleamed under the bright bathroom light. He gave me a crooked grin as he came over and kissed me lightly on the cheek. Thanks, he said, before walking out of the room and down the hall. Bella, did you move the coffee? I cant see it anywhere, he called loudly from the kitchen. I hadnt said anything yet; I couldnt. I felt bile rise in my throat and I swallowed hard before taking a few deep breaths to help calm myself so I could stay in control. I slowly walked down the hall to where I knew Edward was standing. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes focused on the cupboard behind him. If I saw his face, it would all become too real. I felt tears welling in my eyes. I needed to talk to him, for him to say that Tanya was some crazy stalker and that he wasnt cheating on me, but I couldnt get any words out. I felt like if I opened my mouth, I might vomit. I looked down at the beautiful diamond ring on my left hand. Wed only been married for two years; was he already bored of me? I pulled the ring off and placed it down on the kitchen bench. I then proceeded

to remove my earrings, necklace, and watch - all gifts from Edward and placed them all carefully on the bench next to the wedding ring. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I saw Edward staring at me in confusion. Bella. he trailed off. I picked his phone up off the bench where I had left it earlier and handed it to him; the offending message still on the screen. His face paled as he read it and he looked up at me nervously. FUCK! he yelled, and threw the phone against the wall. It clattered to the ground undamaged, unlike my heart. We stood, staring at each other for a moment, neither of us saying a word. His eyes were fixed on my jewelry sitting abandoned on the bench. Bella, he said softly as he took a few steps toward me with his arms outstretched, as if to pull me into a hug. No, I whispered as I stepped backwards out of his grasp. His face fell and he stood still, staring at the ground. Do you love her? I choked out between sobs. Edward was silent for a moment and then his shoulders fell. I do, he said sadly, echoing the same words he had used when he vowed to love me forever. My whole world fell away. My legs fell out from under me and I sank to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. The numbness that had been clouding my heart suddenly lifted, and the pain of what was happening hit me all at once. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and had my heart ripped from my chest. Edward stepped towards me again, pain written all over his face. I held my hand up to stop him before he tried to touch me. Do you love me? I whispered. Yes, very much! he insisted as he dropped to his knees in front of me to come down to my level. Im so confused, he added, shaking his head and tugging roughly on his still wet hair.

I think you should go, I whispered. What? he asked, leaning closer to me to hear better. I glanced up and looked into his eyes for the first time since I learned he was cheating on me. He must have seen something in them because despair washed over his face. I want you to leave, I replied a little louder. Bella, its Christmas Eve, he protested. Everyone is coming here for lunch tomorrow. I might deserve to be punished, but our families dont. Please dont ruin everyones Christmas. I wanted to scream at him that he was the one who had ruined everyones Christmas, not to mention my life, but the truth of what he was saying hit me, and I couldnt stand to ruin this special day for the people I loved. Edwards family had been nothing but wonderful and supportive of me and our marriage, and I knew that they would be just as crushed about Edwards actions as I was. I nodded my head slowly and stood up without looking at him. I moved towards the front door and carefully carried the stack of Edwards presents back to the living room, rearranging them under the Christmas Tree. I felt Edwards presence in the room behind me and the blood in my veins chilled - something I'd never expected to feel from my husband. I stood and turned around to face him. Im going to stay with my Dad tonight, but Ill be back in the morning to start preparing lunch, I said quietly. Bella, please stay so we can talk, Edward protested as I walked past him and went to the bedroom. I pulled some random clothes out of my closet, not even paying attention to what I was packing. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate on the clothes I was selecting, my brain was stuck on pause and it just kept replaying the past few minutes over and over and over. Once I had my overnight bag full, I walked back out to the kitchen and grabbed my purse and car keys off the bench. Edward was nowhere around and I was glad not to have to face him as I left. I wasnt so lucky, however, once I stepped out into the garage and

saw him leaning on the hood of my car. Dont go, he said again softly. I could see the pain on his face but I couldnt feel anything apart from the pain in my heart. I couldnt think of anything other than the fact that he had cheated on me. There wasnt room in my heart for forgiveness in that moment. I opened the trunk and put my overnight bag in, slamming it closed a little harder than was necessary. I saw Edward flinch slightly as the sound echoed around the garage. Please, just give me space tonight. Ill be back in the morning. We will talk after everyone leaves tomorrow night, I said, and climbed into the drivers seat of my car without waiting to hear his response. I started the ignition and pressed the button on my dash that opened the garage door. I reversed quickly down the drive and saw Edward watching me as I drove off down the street. I will never know how I managed to hold myself together on the drive to Charlies house, but I did. I pulled up in his driveway and collected my bag from the truck before walking up the path to the front door. I knocked, but after a few minutes of no response I pulled my key out of the handbag and let myself in. Charlie had insisted that I keep a key to his house. He wanted me to feel like I always had a sanctuary, somewhere safe that I could go. At that moment I couldnt have felt more grateful to Charlie for that. I walked up the stairs to my childhood bedroom and looked around the room. It was exactly as I had left it: the single bed in the corner and the ancient computer still on the old wooden desk under the window. I remembered that the last time I had slept in this room was the night before my wedding. I quickly put that thought out of my mind and laid down on the bed. Then the tears came. I cried for hours; warm, salty water soaked my pillow but I couldnt move from the fetal position I had automatically taken. I cried until no more tears would come and then I fell asleep. December 25th 2004 I awoke to a bright light shining in my face. I opened my eyes groggily

and saw the sun shining through the window. Realizing where I was, my heart broke all over again as I remembered why I was in this room. Not wanting to dwell on my feelings and knowing that I would have to put on a brave face all day for the sake of my family, I rolled out of bed and quickly showered. After dressing in some of the clothes from the overnight bag, I walked downstairs to get ready to go and face my husband. Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and eating a slice of toast. Merry Christmas, kid, he said with a smile as I walked into the room and poured myself some coffee. Merry Christmas, I said without any enthusiasm as I sat down opposite him at the table. We sat in comfortable silence as we drank, and I felt immense gratitude towards my father for not prying into my life. He must have known something was wrong or I wouldnt be here, but he didnt feel the need to question me. I drained the last of my coffee, stood up and rinsed the mug in the sink. I walked over to Charlie and kissed the top of his head gently as I walked past. You ok, Bells? he asked as I reached the doorway. I turned back to face him with a half smile. No, I answered honestly. See you at one. I turned and walked out of the house and to my car. I drove to the house I had shared with Edward for the past two years and circled the block several times before I finally pulled up into the driveway. I didnt open the garage; I left my car out in the yard in case I wanted to leave quickly. I opened the front door and slipped inside as quietly as I could. For a moment, I thought that I could get to work in the kitchen and not be noticed by Edward until the other people arrived; that I wouldnt have to face anything yet.

As soon as I walked through the door, however, I knew that was not a possibility as I spotted him slumped on the couch, sleeping. I took in his appearance. He was still wearing the clothes I had picked out for him the morning before, but they were now wrinkled. His hair was sticking up in all directions and I could tell that he had been running his hands through it repeatedly. He had dark circles under his eyes and I suspected that he hadnt fallen asleep until very late. There was also a glass on the coffee table in front of him, still half full of amber liquid. Despite being asleep, his face did not look peaceful; he looked troubled and restless. I closed the door as quietly as I could, but the noise still woke Edward and he jolted in his seat, his eyes fixing on me and relief washing over his face. I wasnt sure you would come today, he said, his voice still husky from sleep. I said I would, I replied curtly, then walked out of the room and into the kitchen. I washed my hands and pulled the ham out of the fridge, placing it on the bench, before opening a cupboard and bending down to find a baking tray. When I stood up, Edward was standing behind me. Im sorry, he choked out. I could hear the emotion in his voice and I honestly believed that he was sorry. But it also didnt change what he had done, and if I was going to make it through the day, I couldnt have this conversation right now. Not now, Edward, I said, a little harsher than I intended. Why dont you go and have a shower before everyone arrives. Without saying a word, he walked up and took my hand. I felt something cold as she squeezed it gently and released me. I looked down and saw my engagement and wedding rings sitting in the palm of my hand. Please wear them today, he begged softly. I nodded my head slowly and slipped them quickly onto my finger, holding my hand out to look at them. I remembered doing the exact same thing not long after we were married, admiring how the rings would look there for the rest of my life. Now, as I saw those same

rings on my fingers, I cringed. The metal felt hot on my skin, like it was burning me, and I shook my hand slightly to rid myself of the odd sensation. Edward nodded his head silently in appreciation and walked away, down the hall to our bedroom. I heard the water in the shower turn on and I let out a sigh. I could do this, I just had to stay strong and hold myself together until our family left. I could do this. After I had put the ham in the oven and peeled a dozen potatoes, I slowly made my way down to the bedroom. I pushed the door open and saw Edward standing in a towel in front of the closet with tears in his eyes. He was picking his own clothes. For the first time in twentyfour hours, I felt sad for him. I walked into the room and pushed past him into the closet. Keeping focused on my task of picking clothes, and not on the fact that he was standing directly behind me and I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck, I pulled a pair of cargo pants and a black v-neck tshirt out of the closet then handed them to him. Thank you, he said, and before I could move out of his grasp his arms were around me. He pressed me gently into the wall and pressed his body against mine as he hugged me. My body automatically responded to him. His scent surrounded me and the warmth of his body pressed on mine felt nice, familiar, and safe. While my body enjoyed the sensation of being close to my husband, my heart pulled away. I felt my chest tighten, and my breathing quickened. He started to pepper gentle kisses in my hair and onto my forehead before I gathered the strength to push him away. Dont, Edward! I pleaded, more emotion in my voice than I was hoping for. Bella he started, but I couldnt listen to him right now. I'd just had a demonstration of how my body was ready to betray me and forgive him, and I needed to keep my head on about this. My heart and my head were going to steer me through this, not my somatic urges. I have to get back to the kitchen, I said hastily, and I slipped out of

his grasp and almost ran down the hall. I leaned on the kitchen bench and took a few deep breaths. I didnt know what had drawn me to the bedroom in the first place, but I knew now that it had been a huge mistake. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. Edward was like a magnet to me, and even though my heart was shattered into a million little pieces, those broken shards were still drawn to him. Being around him now was like repeatedly stabbing myself in the chest; painful and self-sabotaging. MERRY CHRISTMAS! a loud booming voice called from the front door, and I looked up to see a smiling Emmett in the doorway. I took a deep breath, put my shoulders back, and went to the door to let Edwards brother into the house. I held the door open as Emmett walked through, arms laden with presents, and he was followed by his wife, Rosalie, who was carrying a plate of food. Rose, I said you didnt need to bring anything, I said, my normal self coming back a little. I know, but I wanted to bring something. Its just cookies for after dinner, she said as she placed the plate on the table and turned to give me a hug. I sunk into her arms. I hadnt realized how much I needed to be hugged by someone who wasnt Edward. It smells great in here, a happy voice said from the doorway, and I turned to see Alice walking in. Merry Christmas, I said, smiling at her. She was laden with an armful of tinsel and decorations. She looked around my living room and shook her head slightly before she climbed up on the couch and hung some tinsel over the window sash. Theres my baby sister, Edward said as he appeared in the room. Alice ran over into his arms and they hugged briefly. As he hugged his sister, Edwards eyes were locked on me over her shoulder. I turned away and walked through the archway into the kitchen to check on the ham and vegetables in the oven.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart, I heard from behind me, and I turned to see Edwards mother, Esme, smiling at me. Merry Christmas, Mom, I replied with a genuine smile. Edwards parents had insisted that I call them Mom and Dad after we were married, and I had to admit that it was nice to feel like a real part of their family. Esme came over and gave me a hug. You look just as tired as Edward does. Were you two up all night engaging in activities a mother shouldnt know about her son? she asked playfully. I didnt know what to say to her. In reality, her guess couldnt have been further from the truth, but I had sworn to myself and Edward that I wouldnt bring down everyones Christmas, so I just smiled. Something like that, I replied flatly. The day went by faster than I had expected. Presents were unwrapped, eggnog was drunk, and soon we were all seated around the dining table eating. Charlie had joined us and I smiled at him across the table. Carlisle sliced the ham and passed some to me, putting it on the plate I held up. Edward was seated next to me, as it was expected by our family, but I was trying to lean as far away from his as possible without being obvious. Edward, however, was leaning into me as much as possible and kept pulling his chair closer to mine. I tried to ignore him as best I could and began to eat. The food tasted good, but it gave me no enjoyment. I looked at the smiling faces around the table and reminded myself why I was sitting here; to make everyone else happy. I sighed and took another bite of ham when I felt Edwards hand move up and stroke my hair lovingly. My fork froze mid-way to my mouth and I turned to look at him. He was talking with Emmett, not even looking at me. The gesture was so casual, as if he didnt think twice about touching me. Excuse me, Edward? I said softly, so as not to alarm Emmett to any problem.

He smiled at me and leaned in close to my face, his hand still running through my hair. I clutched my fork tightly, trying to hold my anger inside. Get your hand off me or I will stab you in the thigh with this fork, I whispered as quietly as possible. He froze and the smile dropped from his face. He pulled his hand away reluctantly and I went back to eating my food. Edward gave me one more sad look before turning back to Emmett. So, how is Tanya? I havent seen her in ages! Emmett asked, leaning around Edward to look at me. Edward froze and looked at me with panic in his eyes. I thought of several ways I could handle this: I could snarkily ask Edward how she was; I could burst into tears; I could stand up and yell and make a big scene, or I could take the high road. Sighing loudly, I pushed the last of my food around the plate and didnt make eye contact with anyone. Shes fine, I replied softly. So, Carlisle, hows work? my Dad asked loudly, directing the attention away from me. Edwards hand slipped onto my knee under the table and he squeezed it gently as a thank you for not making a scene. Before I could tell him to remove his hand from my leg, he patted my knee one last time and moved his hand back to his own lap. ***** I watched Carlisles black Mercedes pull out of the driveway, and as soon as they were out of sight, the smile dropped from my face. Edward and I stood in silence for a moment. I didnt have anything to say to him. My brain was still trying to process all the information that it had been bombarded with in the past twenty-four hours. I looked over at Edward. He had his hands jammed down in his pockets and he was staring at me nervously. We both knew what was coming - the talk. I shuffled my feet and watched the little chunks of dirt moving around under my shoe.

Bella Edward started, but when I looked up and met his eyes he stopped talking. Im going to clean up, I said softly and headed inside. As I walked past him his hand jerked slightly, as if to reach out to me, but he held it back and let me pass. Part of my longed for the touch of his warm skin, but the realistic part of my brain knew that it was best that he was keeping his distance. I walked inside and immediately started stacking plates to carry into the kitchen. I placed the dishes in the sink and started running the water. One by one I rinsed the plates of any food residue and stacked them on the bench. Want some help? Edward asked from the doorway. Uhhhh Without waiting for me to answer, he moved to stand next to me and began stacking the rinsed plates into the dishwasher. This had been our nightly ritual for almost the entire time that we had lived together; I would rinse and pass the dishes to him,and he would stack the dishwasher. We had always been a team, equals, a complete unit or so I had thought. So? Edward asked, trying to initiate the conversation I was trying to avoid. I sighed and held another plate under the water. I know I promised you that we would talk tonight, but I really dont have anything to say, I told him honestly. Im moving out, I added when he didnt reply. What are you feeling, Bella? he asked, stopping what he was doing and reaching across me to turn off the faucet so that I had to look at him, and was unable to hide behind the chore. I dont know, I answered. I was being honest. At this point I just felt numb, though I was sure that anger and hurt would come soon. I had already felt those emotions in small doses, but at this exact moment in time I didnt want to yell, and I didnt want to fight; I just wanted to leave and be

alone. Would you stay if I asked you to? he asked softly, leaning against the bench and staring intently at me, trying to maintain eye contact. No, I cant be around you right now, I choked out, emotion clouding my voice. Edwards hands - the hands that I loved, the hands that had caressed another woman - moved up into his hair and he tugged at it roughly. I knew my husband. That was what he did when he was frustrated or deeply hurt. When? he asked. Now, I said softly as I turned the faucet back on and then rinsed the last few plates, stacking them neatly in front of Edward. When I was done, I wiped down the bench and swept the floor. The whole time Edward stood, leaning against the bench, and watched me silently. I never meant to hurt you, Bella, I honestly love you, and Dont! I almost yelled as the tears I had been holding back all day finally cascaded down my cheeks. I cant talk about this now. He moved towards me and I stumbled backwards. I saw the hurt in his face that I wouldnt allow him to comfort me, but I couldnt believe that he thought it was appropriate. Im just going to get some more clothes, I sniffled, trying to hold the tears in. He nodded his head sadly and moved through to the living room. I quickly grabbed some clean underwear and a change of clothes and shoved them roughly into my handbag. I went back through to the living room to go to my car and saw Edward sitting in the same position he had been in when I had arrived that morning; slumped on the couch with a glass of amber liquid in his hand. Merry Christmas, Edward, I said softly as I walked over to the front door. His eyes snapped up to mine and he gave me a hopeful smile.

Merry Christmas, baby, he responded, and held his glass up to me in a cheers action. I wanted to smile at him, I wanted to hug him goodbye and promise that I would see him soon, but as I looked at his face my eyes focused on his lips, and all I could think about was those lips pressed against the lips of my supposed friend and bridesmaid at our wedding, who was now my husbands lover. I turned away quickly and pulled the door closed behind me. 26th December 2004 Are you coming to breakfast? he asked softly. I sighed and rolled over in bed, holding my cell phone tightly to my ear, relishing the husky sound of his voice. I was hurt and angry and broken, but I couldnt deny that his voice had a calming effect on me. I dont think so, I replied with a long, sad sigh. I want you to, everyone would want you there, he insisted. Every year on the morning after Christmas, the Cullens had breakfast together. It had started when the kids were young and Esme had made everyone a big breakfast with all the Christmas day leftovers; the tradition had carried over into Edwards adulthood. I had always loved those breakfasts. There wasnt the pressure of making everything perfect for Christmas Day, but there was still excitement in the air. The day always started with a big cooked meal and then everyone would relax and talk and play games. Tell them Im not feeling well, I said logically. Ill just call and say that we both cant make it, theyll ask less questions that way, he sulked. No, Edward, you should go. Your family needs to find out that we...arent together...anymore, I stuttered, holding back tears, and I heard Edward let out a painful grunt at the finality of my words. I was overcome with a sudden surge of anger; what did he have to be hurt about? Nothing! Ok, Ill go. Ill miss you, though. It wont feel right without you there,

he added sadly. Well, maybe you should have thought about that before I couldnt bring myself to end the sentence. I hadnt meant to lash out at him like that, but I was angry at his martyrdom and had spoken before I thought it through. I wanted to stay calm. I wasnt sure why; I wouldnt exactly say that I felt I owed him anything, it was more like I owed the man that I thought he was, the man he was when I married him. Despite his actions and the hurt I was feeling, I still held tight to my vow to stand by him in good times and bad. I reasoned that if I couldnt stay in a relationship with him, I could at least uphold that vow to the best of my ability by being respectful. Edward was silent; I decided not to speak either. I didnt have anything to apologize for, he was the one that ended our relationship. I truly am sorry, baby, he whispered into the phone. I didnt want to listen to his apologies. My heart couldnt take it. I was already barely holding myself together. Im going to go, I replied. Give Esme a hug from me. I hung up the phone without waiting to hear his response. As much as losing my husband had destroyed me, losing his family was almost as bad. He didnt try to call back. The tears came again. I cried for Esme, and how she would feel when she heard the news of our break up; I cried for Carlisle, and how I couldnt go to him for advice anymore; I cried for Emmett and the big bear hugs I would never have again; I cried for Rosalie and the close friendship we had shared as the people who had been welcomed into this family; I cried for Alice, and how I would never get to see her fall in love; I cried for Edward, and how hard it would be for him to break the news to his family; and I cried for myself. I cried for the loss of my lover, the loss of my best friend, and the loss of my soul mate. I cried for the loss of the life that Edward and I would have shared together, I cried for the children we would never have and the home that I would never live in again. I cried for hours. I cried until there were no more tears. Once my eyes were dry, I thought realistically about where my life was headed now. I had a life plan that had been ripped from me without

my permission. Edward had stolen that life from me, and I now had to build a new one from scratch. At ten-thirty, I pulled myself out of bed and decided it was time to be pro-active. I walked downstairs and was relieved to see that Charlie was not home. I was sure he knew something was wrong, but I hadnt had the break-up conversation with him yet and I didnt feel like doing it today. I walked into the garage and rummaged around for a few minutes. Finally, I threw my hands up in defeat. I couldnt find any packing boxes anywhere. I was sure Charlie had some, but they were gone now. I grabbed a packet of large garbage bags and retrieved my car keys before driving to the house I used to share with Edward. I sat in the driveway, the car idling, and looked at the house. I remembered the day we had moved in. While Emmett and Charlie had carried in most of the heavier furniture, I had stood in the front yard and looked at the house in wonder. I remembered Edwards arms slipping around my waist from behind and him kissing the side of my neck. We stood and looked at the house together, and I had been sure that it was the start of our happily ever after. Now, when I looked at the house, I saw broken promises, and the life that I had cherished chopped into tiny pieces and scattered around the yard. With a sigh, I got out of the car and let myself into the house. I scanned the living room for anything that belonged to me. There wasnt much; I had lived with Charlie right up until we had gotten married, and everything for this house we had bought together. They were our things. Nothing was mine or his, it was all ours. I went straight to the bedroom and saw the sheets pulled back and still messed from his sleep the night before. The bedroom smelled like him and I took a deep breath, allowing his scent to permeate my pores, into my soul. When I felt the tears about to flow again, I snapped myself out of it and walked quickly to the stereo, picking the loudest heavy metal album in our collection and turning it up to full volume to drown out my feelings. I pulled open the closet and started throwing my clothes onto the bed in a large pile. Once I had emptied my side of the closet, I emptied my drawers in the dresser and moved to the bathroom. I collected my make-up, shampoo, and body wash and dumped them all onto the bed unceremoniously. I then moved to the bookcase and removed the

photos of my family, the candles and books I had accumulated during our marriage and placed them all on the bed. I stared around the now half-empty room. Edwards belongings were all still exactly where he had left them. It stunned me how easily I was able to remove my presence from the room. I suddenly felt the urge to be gone from this house as quickly as possible, and I ran over to the bed and started shoving my belongings into the garbage bags, not caring what was going in which bag as long as it was packed as fast as possible. I could feel my already shattered heart being ground into mush. Being in this room, a room where I had made love to my husband more times than I could count, and knowing that I would never make love to him again, was suffocating, and the sooner I could leave, the better. Once the bed was empty and looked the same as before I had entered the room, I took one last look around and said a silent goodbye. I carried the bags out to my car and placed them in the trunk. Everything I owned fit into four garbage bags. I walked back into the house and did a final walk through. I was leaving everything behind. I didnt want our plasma television, I didnt want the new leather sofa, I didnt want anything from him. He had already stolen my happiness, and without that, without him, all of the material possessions in the world would mean nothing to me. I collected the random books and pieces of clothing that I had littered through the living area and held them to my chest tightly as I walked out to the car, and placed them on the passenger seat. Entering the house for the last time to lock up, I walked over to the dining table and slowly slipped my wedding and engagement rings off my finger, placing them gently in the center of the table. I adjusted them so they were perfectly lined up and then, without looking back, I walked out of the house. 27th January 2005 Come on, Bella, you havent come over in ages! Angela whined into the phone. I know, Im sorry. I havent really been up to it, I said honestly. The past month since moving back in with Charlie had been rough on me. I had developed a safe rhythm of working and keeping busy, not

allowing myself any time to sit and think about what my life was now as a twenty-three year old, getting a divorce. I hadnt seen Edward since Christmas Day. He had rung me several times but I never answered his calls. He would leave voice mail messages, begging me to come home, apologizing, and checking on me, but I didnt want him see how crushed I was. I didnt let anyone see. I had created the perfect happy-mask that I slipped on as soon as I crawled out of bed, and I never took it off during the day. The nights were a different matter. I would cry myself to sleep most nights and had found that the only way I could eventually fall asleep was if I left the TV on all night long as background noise. I discovered that the white-noise of the TV helped stave off the Edward dreams and allowed me some peaceful, dreamless sleep. You need to get your mind off that douche-bag ex-husband of yours and start to live your life again, Angela insisted. I knew she was right. I took a deep breath and allowed the oxygen to fill my lungs before I spoke. Ok, Ill come over and watch a movie, but Im not staying late, I replied half-heartedly. Great, can you grab some orange juice on your way over? I want to make cocktails! she laughed. An hour later I was at the grocery store, picking up orange juice on my way to Angelas house. I strolled through the aisles, enjoying the mundane activity. In the past few weeks I hadnt done any of the normal tasks that one would usually do, and being in the grocery store was a novelty to me. As I approached the refrigerated section, I glanced down one of the aisles and saw Edward. I froze; part of me wanted to say hello, and part of me wanted to run. The decision was made for me, however, when Tanya came around the corner carrying a box of cereal, and placed it in their cart. I watched in horror as he leaned towards her and they kissed. The kiss was so casual, like it had been done a millions times before and was expected to be done a million more times. My whole world fell away, there in the cereal aisle as I stood frozen. I was torn out of my trance when Edward glanced over his shoulder

and saw me staring at them. A huge smile spread over his face and then it instantly vanished, and he looked at Tanya with panic in his eyes then back to me. Shit! he said loud enough for me to hear from the other end of the aisle. I turned and walked away from him as fast as I could. Remembering that Angela needed orange juice, I grabbed the closest beverage I could see, which happened to be a large bottle of Diet Coke, and ran towards the check out. Angela would have to make do with the soda because there was no way in hell I was going back towards Edward. I raced through the express checkout and ran out to my car. BellaBella, wait! I heard from behind me. But I didnt want to wait; I couldnt talk to him and watch his lips moving, lips that I had just seen him kissing another woman with. I approached my car and dug furiously through my bag for my car keys. Fuck! I yelled impatiently as I threw my bag onto the hood of the car and rifled through it frantically. I couldnt see my keys anywhere, and there was nowhere for me to hide from him. Bella, please talk to me, Edward begged as he ran up to the car, breathing heavily from chasing me. There is nothing to say, Edward, I replied curtly as I pulled every item out of my bag and placed it on the hood of the car. The keys werent there. I sighed in frustration. Im sorry you saw that, he said softly. In that moment, I allowed myself to feel the anger that had been bubbling inside me for the past four weeks. So are you with her now? I spat, making eye contact with him for the first time. I dont know, he replied looking at the ground. What the fuck does that mean? I questioned as I hastily pushed everything back into my bag and leaned against the car. I felt something hard in my pocket as I leaned against the metal of the car

door and remembered that I had shoved my keys in there when I walked into the store. I pulled them out and heaved a sigh of relief. We havent defined it. We spend time together, but its not anything serious, he said as he ran his hands roughly through his hair. You were picking out cereal together. Cereal. Shes obviously spending the night. I folded my arms across my chest and waited for him to reply. He didnt, he just stared at me apologetically, and I felt the fury rise again like bile in my throat. I took a deep breath. Edward, I said softly. I dont want to see you again. Ever! I pulled the car door open and sat down quickly. I heard him yell FINE! as I slammed the door closed and started the car. I knew he didnt really mean fine. I could see the pain on his face as I reversed the car and drove past him. His shoulders slumped and his hands buried in his hair, but I was beyond hurt now, beyond pain. I was done. _________ Chapter 2 All Around Me ~ October 5th 2009 ~ How does it feel to be home? Jake asked as he reached across and stroked my thigh softly. I sighed and looked out the car window at the green, mossy trees and the grey clouds as they flew by. It was certainly familiar, but it was also painful. I associated everything to do with Forks with him. After the confrontation in the grocery store five years ago, I packed up and left town in a hurry. I hadnt seen or spoken with him since. I moved to Portland and had tried to start my life fresh. I changed my name back to Bella Swan and within twelve months the divorce was official. Charlie had liaised between us for the divorce proceedings so

there was no face-to-face contact, and I would be eternally grateful to my father for understanding my need for space. About a year after the divorce came through I met Jake. Jake was a police officer who had pulled me over for speeding. He always joked that when I handed him my license he memorized my address so he could call on me later. Jake was everything that he hadnt been for me: loyal, trustworthy, and dependable. Jake pursued me for months, and after standing outside my apartment for hours in the rain with a bunch of flowers, waiting for me to come home, I had agreed to go on a date with him, more out of pity than anything else. I was surprised when I enjoyed myself with Jake. The pain of my divorce lessened when I was with him and I found that I was able to laugh and have fun for the first time in two years. We spent more and more time together and on my twenty-sixth birthday he asked me to marry him. As the words left Jakes mouth his face flashed through my mind, but I pushed it aside and refused to allow the past to haunt me any longer. I wanted to be happy again and Jake did make me happy. I wanted to feel loved again and I could not deny the depth of Jakes love. I wanted to be someones whole world, and I was the sun, the moon, and the stars for Jake. I made the decision that, even if I wasnt totally over the past yet, I wouldnt let it hold me back. I refused to pass up this opportunity to move on. I agreed to Jakes request and had never looked back until today. As Jake drove past the Welcome to Forks sign my stomach rose up to my throat. I didnt know if I was ready to be back. Charlie had been begging me to move back to Forks for years and he had finally gotten his wish when Jake accepted a police job in Port Angeles. I had tried to convince him that we should stay in Portland, but Jake was excited to move to Washington and insisted that we live in my home town, despite the hour long commute to and from work every day. After leaving Portland at the crack of dawn I was relieved to be at our destination, but still apprehensive. I directed Jake to Charlies house and took a deep breath as we pulled up into the drive. I had taken Jake the long way around town under the disguise of showing him the sights, but my real intention had been to avoid driving down any street where he might be, or driving by the

house where I had lived with him. Charlies smiling face appeared in the doorway and he bounded down the stairs into the front yard. My car door was pulled open before I could even get my seatbelt off completely and Charlie enveloped me in a tight hug. Its so good to see you, Bells! he said gruffly. You too, Dad, I replied with a smile and I squeezed him back. I hope you dont mind, I thought Id invite a few of the boys over and give Jake here a big Forks Police Department style welcome, seeing as hell be working real closely with us, Charlie asked as he released me and clapped Jake on the back. Dad had been thrilled when I had told him I was dating again and became almost euphoric when he found out that Jake was cop, too. It's fine, Dad, I assured him. I was actually really glad he had organized some people to come over. I needed the distraction from thinking about being back in this town. Dad and Jake carried our suitcases into the house and took them upstairs to my old bedroom. I stood at the foot of the stairs and closed my eyes. The smell of my Dads house was familiar and comforting and a small smile crept over my lips. Maybe I could do this. Jake bounded down the stairs and I opened my eyes when his arms slipped around my waist. How are you doing? he whispered as he softly kissed my neck. Im good, I replied honestly, surprising myself. I had told Jake about my history in Forks, about my marriage and how it ended. I felt very lucky to have someone so supportive who loved me. I was sure that a lot of men would have felt defensive or jealous being in the same town as my ex-husband, but Jake was only thinking about my feelings. Come on out back, my Dad called from the kitchen. Were going to turn the grill on and have some cold beers. Sounds good, Charlie, Jake called out as he moved towards the

kitchen, his fingers laced through mine and pulling me along behind him. Bella! Hey, Bella. I looked around at the familiar faces and smiled. It was good to be home. I watched with a smile as Jake introduced himself to the men in my fathers backyard and shook each of their hands. I sat next to him and snuggled into his side as we listened to them tell Jake all the Forks Police Department tales that he could look forward to, and suggestions of available houses that we could move in to. After waiting for what seemed like forever, the barbeque was lit and the meat was sizzling temptingly. I went inside and started poking around the kitchen. Just as I suspected there was very little in the way of nutritious food in the cupboards and I made a mental note to go to the grocery store in the morning and stock up on some food for my Dad. There was a loud knock on the door and I smiled at Charlie as he made his way through the kitchen to the front door. He returned a moment later with a concerned and guilty look on his face. Ahhh, Bells he started. What is it? I asked, concerned, walking around the kitchen table to where he was standing. As I moved closer to my father his latest guest came into view and I froze in my tracks. I started to feel very hot and I reached out and grabbed onto the back of the nearest kitchen chair to keep myself standing. Heya, Bells, Emmett said softly, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. I looked at him; I couldnt look away. His face had aged, there were smile lines around his eyes, and his hair was shorter than I remembered, but he was the same Emmett from my other life. H Hi, Emmett, I stuttered softly and then jumped when the back door slammed loudly.

Arms slipped around my waist from behind and I registered confusion, realization and then sadness cross Emmetts face. You OK, baby? You look like youve seen a ghost, Jake laughed as he held his hand out to shake Emmetts. Im Jake. Emmett, he said politely, never taking his eyes from mine. Ahh, Emmett Cullen. Jake stiffened behind me, recognizing my old surname, and squeezed me tighter, knowing that I needed his support. We all stood in uncomfortable silence for a moment before Charlie suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled into the living room. Bells, Im sorry. I didnt even think. Emmett joined the force two years ago and is a deputy of mine. I just invited everyone at the station and didnt think not to invite him. Is it ok that hes here? Are you ok? he rambled. I took a deep breath and looked over my shoulder into the kitchen. I could see Emmetts back and Jacob standing with his arms folded over his chest defensively. They werent speaking to each other. From behind, Emmett reminded me of my ex-husband. Their builds were different - Emmett had always been taller and broader than his brother - but the way he was standing, one knee slightly bent and his body resting on the door frame, was identical to his brother. Its fine, Dad. It would be rude to ask him to leave when everyone else from the station is here. Its not a problem, really, I assured him. In reality I was feeling weak in the knees, short of breath, and like I could pass out at any moment, but I wasnt going to let Charlie know that and spoil the day for everyone. Ok, if youre sure, he said with a shrug of his shoulder. He squeezed my arm gently before walking back into the kitchen. Come on, Em, why dont you help me with the grill. Emmett looked back over his shoulder at me and I gave him a slight nod of my head, my approval to stay, and he nodded back to me before following Charlie outside. I heard loud cheers from the guys out there and I guessed that Emmett must be pretty popular at work. I wasnt surprised, I remembered Emmett as a fun loving and very loyal man.

Jake walked over to me and sat down on the couch, lacing his fingers through mine and pulling me down into his lap. Are you ok? he asked softly. I can understand that you might be upset, seeing him. That wasnt him, I explained. Emmett is his brother. Jake relaxed a little and cradled me against his chest, rocking slightly. We can stay inside if you'd like? Go upstairs and unpack a little, he suggested. His suggestion sounded so tempting. Part of me wanted to run up the stairs with Jake and hide from everyone and everything that reminded me of my past life. In all honesty, a part of me wanted to run back to Portland and never return to Forks, but I knew that I couldnt hide forever, and if I was ever going to move on with my life and accept Jake completely I was going to have to deal with my emotions about him. The warmth of Jakes arms around me was so comforting, and the smell of his scent was so familiar that I hummed with contentment. I was ready to give myself to him completely, and to do that I had to face my past and let it go. No, Im fine, really. Lets go outside, I said as I stood up and held my hand out to Jake to help him stand. Ok, lets do this, he said with a chuckle as he swung his arm over my shoulder and we walked through the kitchen and outside to the group of people. Everyone was laughing at a story that Emmett was telling and we were able to sit down without anyone commenting on our absence. and then he fell into the lake! Emmett roared and everyone around the group burst into fits of laughter. I saw Emmett look over at me and take a long scull of his beer. I couldnt maintain eye contact with him because his deep blue eyes reminded me too much of the piercing green ones that I had known so well. The rest of the day was much the same; humorous stories from the

men, me avoiding eye contact with Emmett, and Emmett sculling back the beer every time he saw Jacob touch me. After several of my Dads friends had headed home and the sun was setting low in the sky I started to clear up some plates. Jake, come and have a look at my equipment, Dad said happily, clapping Jake on the back as he walked out towards the shed in the backyard. Dad couldnt wait to go out fishing with Jake so they could do some manly bonding. I took the stack of plates I had collected and carried them into the house, placing them on the sink and running the water. As the sink filled and bubbles formed I heard the door open, and I prayed silently to myself that it was one of Dads friends and not Emmett who had just come into the room. How are you, Bella? Emmett asked softly. I sighed, turned off the water, and spun around, leaning back on the sink. Im good, Em, really good, I replied. You look good Happy, he said hesitantly. I nodded my head and folded my arms protectively over my chest. I felt like I needed the barrier of my arms to hold me up. How are you? I squeaked out. A big smile spread over his face and he looked just like the young, playful Emmett that I remembered. Rosies pregnant, he said happily. All the tension that I was feeling disappeared and I walked quickly across the room, pulling the man I had always considered to be a brother into my arms and hugging him as hard as I could. Congratulations! I told him genuinely as we pulled apart, and he gave me the killer Cullen smile. I stepped back a little, feeling as if I had been hit in the chest with a bullet. The expression that had crossed his face when he smiled was so similar to his brother that it knocked the breath right out of me. I turned my back to him for a moment and closed my eyes so I could

take a few deep breaths. I pictured Jake in my mind and reminded myself that I was fine, that I was loved, and that the past didnt matter anymore. Feeling a little more in control I spun back around to see Emmett staring at me, a look of concern on his face. Bella, what really happened back then? he asked softly as he sat in one of the dining chairs and kicked out the one opposite him for me to sit in. He didnt tell you? I asked softly as I sat down. He gave us excuses - his side of it. I want to know what happened for you. The look in his eyes was so intense and so sincere that, despite the fact that I hadnt wanted to talk about what had happened, let alone think about it ever again, I found myself telling him everything. I explained how I had found the text message, how my body had betrayed me and wanted him so badly even while my heart was still gushing blood from being ripped open. I told him about seeing them together at the grocery store and my last words to him. I told him about packing up and moving to Portland in only a few days and how I had met Jake and gotten my life back. I watched a darkness descend on his face as he heard the pain I was in and the way that I had left. And his expression didnt clear as I talked about Jake. If anything it had gotten darker. Do you love Jake? Emmett asked; the first words he had said to me since I had started talking. Very much, I said with a smile. I didnt know how to express to Emmett that Jake had fixed me; he had made me whole again and brought me back to life. I didnt think that someone who had never had their heart broken could really understand what it was like to piece yourself back together after being broken. But not like you loved Edward, he said simply. As if it wasnt possible for me to love anyone more than I had loved his brother. I cringed at the sound of his name. I hadnt said or even thought his name in years, it was too painful. Its a different love. But it is still love, I reasoned, adamant to get

across to him that Jake wasnt second best even if he was. But you still love Edward, Emmett stated firmly, not leaving any room for the alternative. I hesitated for a moment. I had gone over this in my head many times over the past five years and I could honestly say to myself that I didnt think that I was still in love with him. I cared about him as a part of my history but that was all I allowed myself to feel for him now. No, my feelings for E him are in the past. Its ancient history, Emmett, I said firmly, but my hands were shaking and I wasnt sure if Emmett believed me. Ok, he said simply with a nod of his head, and I was grateful that he wasnt going to push the issue. We sat in silence for a moment, both of us staring at the table until Emmett let out a loud laugh and banged his fist on the table. I jumped back slightly from shock. What is it? I asked, concerned, but relaxed when I saw that he was laughing. Alice is going to kill you! he roared. Why? I asked, confused. She has been furious at you for five years because you left without saying goodbye. She tried to call you several times but you never returned her messages. When she finds out you are back in town she is going to rip your head off literally. I laughed. The Alice that I remembered was a nineteen year old princess, but I supposed that five years would have changed her. How is Alice? I asked with a smile. You wouldnt recognize her. Shes graduated college and working fulltime. Oh, and she has a boyfriend now. They are pretty serious, I think. She brought him home to meet my parents last weekend, he finished with a frown. You dont like him? I queried. He seems like an OK guy, but hes screwing my baby sister so I

automatically dont like him! Emmett said with a shrug. How are Carlisle and Esme? I asked. They are great! Dad is looking at early retirement so all Mom can talk about at the moment is a big trip to Europe that they are planning for next spring. I went to Italy last year with Jake, it was beautiful. Im sure they will love it, I assured him. Emmett stood up and walked around to my side of the table and knelt in front of me. Are you happy, Bells? Really happy? You can tell me the truth, he pleaded. Im happy, Em, I assured him before leaning forward in my seat and giving him a big hug. I missed you. I missed you, too, kiddo! He was silent for a moment after we broke the hug and he just stared at me for a moment. Edwards not happy he started but was cut off by a group of my Dads friends entering the room. See ya, Cullen. Bye Bella, they called as they walked through the roomto the entryway and out the front door. It was good to see you again, I said with a smile and a wave, but on the inside I was shaking from what Emmett had started to tell me. Warm arms slipped around me from behind and a familiar musky scent wafted around me. I breathed in deeply and instantly felt calmer as warm lips pressed against my cheek. I love you, Jake whispered in my ear. I smiled and leaned back into him, enjoying the warmth of his arms around me. Thanks, I needed that, I whispered back. I thought you might. Are you OK? he asked, concerned. Im much better now that you are here, I sighed with a smile as I turned in his arms to face him and rose up on the tips of my toes so I could press my lips to his.

Ill get you a drink, Jake whispered as he quickly kissed me again and then went over to the fridge. I turned back around and saw Emmett giving me a knowing look. I couldnt keep eye contact with him so I went outside to look for my dad. Before I made it out the back door I heard Emmett asking Jake to get him another beer. I stepped outside and switched on the patio light as it had gotten quite dark out and saw Dad cleaning down the grill. He smiled when he saw me walking over. Heya kiddo, he said happily. Its so good to have you home. Your mom would have been so proud to see you as a grown woman. I nodded my head sadly and sat down on one of the wooden outdoor chairs, curling my knees up to my chest. My Mom had passed away from cancer about a year after my wedding. It was a very sad time for me and I had often wondered if the cheating was a result of my pulling away emotionally from my husband and being too caught up in my grief. But I wasnt going to allow myself to dwell on that, and I was relieved when I heard the back door open and Jake and Emmett come outside, carrying beers for everyone. The four of us sat around the outdoor table, drinking our beers and listening to Dad tell stories of criminals he had caught and ones that had gotten away. Emmett and Jake even seemed to be getting along quite well with Emmett offering to call the Port Angeles Police Chief and give him a good recommendation. I smiled at Emmett as a thank you for being nice to Jake and he winked back at me. I couldnt work out if this new found acceptance of my fianc was him being nice or just the fact that he was steadily getting drunker and drunker. I opted for the second option when he stood up and almost fell while managing to knock his chair over. Whoa! he chuckled as he toppled sideways and gripped the table to stay on his feet. Charlie jumped out of his seat and held Emmett upright as Jake picked up the chair and they managed to get him to sit down again. I think I should call Rosalie to come pick you up, Charlie said as he ran into the house.

I sat down in Jakes lap and we chatted with Emmett until my dad came back out. Shell be here in a minute, Dad announced as he helped Emmett stand and swung his arm around Emmetts waist to help him walk. Jake, Im gonna need your help, I think, Dad grunted out with effort as he tried to steer Emmetts large frame into the house. Jake jogged up to the other side of Emmett and helped to support his weight as we walked back into the house. STOP! Emmett roared and we all stopped walking and looked at each other nervously. I could see by the panicked look on my dads face that he suspected that vomit was about to be all over his kitchen floor. I want to give my baby sister a hug goodbye! Emmett said, almost crying. Jake and my dad looked at each other in a confused way and I could have sworn I saw Charlie looking around, thinking that Alice Cullen had appeared in his house without warning. But I knew better. Emmett was talking about me. I walked around Jake and stood in front of Emmett, who encapsulated me in his massive arms. Im so happy to see you, Bells, Emmett sniffled into my collar as he hugged me tightly. Im happy to see you, too! I said, patting him on the back, before pulling out of his grasp as I heard tires on gravel in the front yard. Rosies here, I whispered to him. I watched Jake and Dad help Emmett to the front door and then went upstairs to get ready for bed. There was a part of me that had wanted to say hello to Rosalie, but facing one Cullen was all I could stand for today. I walked slowly up the stairs and went into my bedroom. I unzipped my suitcase and pulled my pyjamas out, laying them on the bed before taking some of the clothes and carrying them over to the closet to hang up. I hated ironing, and if I could hang some things tonight the creases might drop by morning. As I walked to the closet I passed the window and glanced outside just in time to see Jake shaking hands with someone in the shadows. My heart froze instantly and I could feel the icy-cold blood pumping

through my veins as realization hit me. He was outside. I watched in horror as my finances hand slipped inside the hand of my ex-husband's as they grasped tightly. I wasnt sure if Jake had realized who he was shaking hands with, but he still had a pleasant smile on his face. Edwards back was towards the window and I couldnt see his face, but I didnt need to; I would know him anywhere. He was skinnier than the last time I had seen him, his shirt hung loosely off his frame and his hair was a little darker than I remembered, but it was still thick and messy. Part of me wanted to sprint down the stairs and run into his arms and part of me wanted to spit on him out of the window. I resisted both urges and just stood frozen, watching them. The thumping of my heart was so loud in my ears that I couldnt hear any noises drifting upstairs, so I had no idea what was being said, but it looked like my dad was angry and he kept gesturing to Edward. Suddenly the expression on Jakes face turned hard and then slightly sad, and I guessed that he had worked out that this man in front of him, who he had just shaken hands with, was my Edward. Edward had his head down and was quickly getting Emmett into the car before saying something to Jake and then climbing into the drivers seat and driving away. I watched the car disappear until his brake lights disappeared around a corner and then I looked down into the yard to see Jake looking up at me in the window sadly. I tried to smile at him and waved for him to come up to our room and he nodded his head slowly before disappearing inside. I hung the clothes up quickly, mentally preparing myself for the conversation that Jake no doubt wanted to have, as well as trying to calm my nerves from just having seen my ex-husband for the first time since our confrontation in the car park of the grocery store. I took a few deep breaths and tried to put him out of my mind. I was over him and I didnt want him to affect me. So that was him, Jakes soft voice came from behind me. Taking one last deep breath, I spun around. Yes, was all I managed to get out. Charlie doesnt like him much! he added as he started pulling his own clothes out of the suitcase.

No, I replied softly. He didnt treat me very well. He seemed nice enough to me, very polite, Jake said casually with a shrug of his shoulders, but I could hear the strain in his voice. I sighed and sat down on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. Jake, come here, I said softly, patting the bed next to me. He gave a weak smile and walked over. He sat down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to lay against his chest. Are you OK with all this? I asked nervously. I prayed that he was OK. I couldnt lose Jake. He was the only reason that I was OK now, the only reason that I hadnt self-imploded. He had brought me back to life and I needed him. Yes. I knew that we would run into his family if we came back here but I thought it was important for you to face this issue before we got married. All I need to know is that you arent going to run off with him and leave me. I couldnt bare it, he whispered as he kissed my head softly. I turned my head up to face his and grabbed his right hand, stroking it softly and kissing each of his fingertips. I love you, Jake, and Im not going anywhere, with anyone, I said as I continued to stroke his hand. He smiled contentedly and leaned down, pressing his lips to mine. I love you so much, he whispered as he broke away. I felt his whole body relax as he lay back against the pillows and pulled me tighter into his chest. I absent-mindedly kept running my fingers over his hand until it dawned on me that I was laying in bed, declaring my love to my fianc in the same bed that I had lost my virginity to Edward in, while stroking the hand that Edward had just shaken and trying desperately to stop thinking of my ex-husband and the way that the moonlight had reflected off his hair tonight. No matter how much I wanted him to be out of my life and out of my heart, Edward was all around me. Chapter 3 DANGER, Will Robinson, DANGER!

~ 6th October 2009 ~ ~ Bella ~ I awoke to a rustling sound and opened one eye to look around. It was still dark and I sat up slightly wondering what the noise could be. Oh shit, sorry baby, I didnt mean to wake you, Jake whispered as he sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed my hair with his hand. What are you doing? I asked groggily. Looking for my boots, he whispered back before kissing the top of my head and going back to his search. Why do you need boots at I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table and saw the time, ...four-thirty in the morning? I asked. I told your dad I would go fishing with him today, Jake sighed. I thought back to last night and remembered my dad taking Jake off to show him his fishing gear; he must have gotten excited and planned a trip out onto the lake today. Have fun, I grumbled as I lay back down and pulled the covers up over my head to block out Jakes chuckling. When I next opened my eyes it was to the sound of chirping birds. I threw the covers off my head and squinted at the bright sunlight pouring in the window. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was eight-twenty-two. I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. I had to admit that the air was fresher in Forks, easier to breath. Slowly I forced myself to sit up and get out of bed. I pulled my robe out of my suitcase and slipped it on, tying the belt as I walked down the stairs. There was a note on the kitchen table. Bella, Ive taken your man fishin. Well be back before dinner. Dad I tried to imagine Jake on a boat with my dad and couldnt help but laugh. When Jake and I went to Italy together he had gotten sea sick on the gondolas in Venice, so I couldnt see him faring any better in my dads dinghy. I switched on the kettle and opened the fridge to get out the milk and

saw how empty the shelves were. There was milk, beer, and bread and nothing else. I guess Im going to the store today, I mumbled to myself as I started making my coffee. While I sat and watched the rain drip down the windows and sipped my coffee, I did everything I could to not think of Edward but it was impossible. Being in this house, in this town, and not having Jake around as a reminder of my new life would have been enough for me to be thinking of him, but add to that the fact that I had seen him last night and I had zero chance of keeping him out of my thoughts. He had looked good, from what I could see of him from behind and in the dark, with only the soft yellow glow of the porch light to illuminate the scene. In my mind I could see the moonlight reflecting off his hair and the silhouette of his shoulders. I sighed and shook my head. No good was going to come from that train of thought. I poured the rest of my coffee down the sink and went upstairs to shower. I decided to go to the grocery store sooner rather than later and then I could relax and unpack a little in the afternoon before Dad and Jake got home. ***** I pulled up into the parking lot of the grocery store and turned off the engine. I looked across the lot of empty car spaces and had an instant flashback to the last time I had seen Edward before last night. It had been in this car park and I had told him that I never wanted to see him again. There was a part of me that regretted that those were the last words I would ever say to him, but it was the truth; even now, five years later, I did not want to face him. I got out of the car and jogged across the parking lot to get out of the rain as quickly as possible. As I stepped into the brightly lit store and was hit by the wave of warm air I relaxed a little. I looked around and saw that the store was exactly as I remembered it. Grabbing a cart, I wheeled it quickly down the first aisle I could find and started looking for groceries that my Dad would like to eat, and ones that werent too complicated to put together so he could cook for himself. Just as I was choosing between the spaghetti and the ravioli I heard a squeal behind me and footsteps hurrying down the aisle. I looked up

to see Angela throwing herself at me. BELLA! she yelled as she hugged me. I thought you werent coming into town until next week! she squealed excitedly as she pulled out of the hug and held me at arms length to look me over. Hey, Ange. Yeah, that was the plan, but Jake thought we should come a bit early so we had time to pick a house and settle in a bit before he had to start work, I explained. Well, you look great! Angela gushed as she looked at me with a big cheesy grin. Thanks, I replied, smiling back. We were both silent for a moment, smiling at each other awkwardly. It had been so long since I had seen Angela that I didnt really know what to say. We had stayed friends after I had moved to Portland, emailing and the occasional phone call, and I had let her know that I was moving back to town but seeing her face to face was a bit awkward. We should totally catch up for a coffee sometime next week, she blurted out. That sounds great, I responded and we awkwardly hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. Three aisles over my cart was half full of food and I was feeling quite proud of myself with the selection of meals I had chosen. I went to turn into the next aisle but as soon as I saw the rows of cereal boxes on the shelves I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around quickly. A flood of images of Edward and Tanya kissing in that aisle flooded my mind and I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before walking past the cereal aisle. I decided that dad could eat toast for the next few days, and I turned down the cosmetics aisle. There was only one other lady in this aisle and she had her back turned, examining some facial cream bottle, so I felt secure enough to stop for a moment. I leaned against the cart and took a few deep breaths. I had not expected the cereal aisle to affect me so much but I could still feel my heart hammering in my chest. Im fine, I said softly to myself as a motivator to put the memories of Edward and Tanya out of my mind and to just concentrate on the

groceries. I could feel eyes on my back and I looked carefully over my shoulder as subtly as possible to check if someone was staring at me. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when I saw that the lady who had been examining the face cream was in fact my ex mother-in-law, waving and making her way towards me at an alarmingly fast pace. What was with this store? Was it Bump into Bella day or something? Bella? Is that you? Esme asked as she got closer. Hello, Esme, I said awkwardly, looking around to see if there was a quick escape but found none. What are you doing just standing over here? she asked curiously, and I realized that standing in the middle of an aisle breathing deeply probably looked a little odd. Oh you know, just looking at this I reached onto the shelf without looking and picked up the first box that my hand touched. Uh spermicidal jelly? I asked, horrified at the item that I had picked up. I tried to keep a normal expression on my face as if I had meant to pick up the contraceptive. I automatically dropped it into my cart. Oh well thats very nice dear, Esme said uncomfortably and then she cleared her throat. We stood in silence for a moment, as I had with Angela, neither of us knowing what to say. The last time I had seen her was on that Christmas Day five years ago. I saw the sadness on her face as she looked at me and I felt bad for her. I might have lost my husband but she lost a daughter - me. Im sorry I left without saying goodbye, I said softly, looking down into my cart to avoid her gaze. Esmes hand grasped mine tightly and she squeezed. I understand, we all understood. You must have been in so much pain, she choked out and gave my hand another squeeze before letting out an Oh! of surprise. I looked down and saw she was staring at my engagement ring. I automatically moved my right hand over it to cover it from sight.

Youre engaged again? she asked softly, sadness in her eyes. Yes. Ummm I stopped. I didnt know what to say. The sadness in her eyes spoke volumes and I suspected that she had always held out hope that Edward and I would reconcile one day. Esme cleared her throat again and gave me a weak smile. So tell me, are you here visiting your father? she asked. No, actually. Weve moved back to town. Jake, my fianc, got a job in Port Angeles and we drove back from Portland yesterday. You were in Portland? she asked. I felt terrible that the woman who for years I had thought of as my mother had not known where I had been for the past five years of my life, and I suddenly found myself questioning my decision to cut the Cullen's out of my life completely. Would it have been so hard for me to call or send a letter? Yes. Its a lovely city, I said, not knowing how to express my guilt. Well, Id love to hear all about it, and about the rest of your life. Would you come over for dinner tomorrow night? she asked hopefully, a genuine smile spreading over her face. I automatically envisioned a big Cullen family dinner and my heart rate sped up as I began to panic. I knew I wasnt ready to face them all as if nothing had happened. Ummm, I started, unsure how to reply. Of course you are welcome to bring your fianc, she added kindly, if not a little uncomfortably. Oh, well sure. I guess that would be ok. Can I ask a favor though? I posed. Esme gave me a smile and nodded her head. You want me to make my double fudge brownies? I laughed, Well, yes, actually, I would love that. But what I was going to ask if could it be a small dinner only you and Carlisle? She gave me an understanding look and nodded her head solemnly. Of course, I understand, she said as she squeezed me hand again.

Just Carlisle and myself, I promise. Thank you, Esme, I said gratefully and gave her a half smile. It was hard for me not to see Edward when I looked at her but I tried my best. Well, I have to get going, lots to do today, she said awkwardly. Now that we had greeted each other and made plans to catch up tomorrow there didnt seem to be much else to say right now, and we both knew that we had to say goodbye. It was good to see you, I said, trying to make my voice sound sincere. You too, sweetheart, she replied as she leaned in and gave me a quick, awkward hug. See you tomorrow night. About seven, you remember how to get to the house? she asked. Yes, I remember, I told her with a nod of my head. As if I could forget it. I had spent almost as much time in her home as I had in my own while I was married to Edward. I would never forget her house. I could still picture it perfectly in my mind, walk through the rooms and almost smell one of Esmes cherry pies baking in the kitchen. I sighed wistfully. Goodbye, Bella, Esme said, and she gave me one last look over as if she feared that she wouldnt see me tomorrow night and this was the last time she would see me; as if she were soaking in every detail of me. See you tomorrow, I assured her and she smiled before walking out of the aisle and around the corner. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. My simple trip to the grocery store was turning into one of the most stressful days I had experienced in a long while. I had, of course, known that I would be bumping into people that I knew and I had even suspected that I would see the Cullen's around town, but I hadnt expected to be confronted with so many people all at once. I felt like I needed time to get used to being back here before I was confronted with the people of my past life.

I finished up the last of the groceries as quickly as I could so that I could get back to the safety of my dads house. I was piling my items up onto the conveyer belt when I heard an excited voice. As I live and breath, Bella Cullen. I didnt expect to see you back in town, the cashier drawled. I flinched when she used my married name and instantly recognized her as a girl I had gone to school with; Jessica Stanley. Hello Jessica. Its Bella Swan now, I said firmly, emphasizing my last name. Oh, of course, how rude of me. Habit, you understand, she said back to me with a shrug of her shoulders and she blew a bubble with her chewing gum as she started swiping my items over her barcode scanner. How have you been, Jessica? I asked, hoping that if I could keep her talking about herself for the whole transaction she wouldnt have a chance to ask anything about me. I only half listened as she droned on about having married Mike Newton, our high school quarterback, and how they had four children. Not soon enough she had scanned all of my items and I paid her in cash so as to avoid the wait for the credit card machine to approve the transaction. Bye Jess, I called over my shoulder as I carried the bags out as quickly as I could to get away from her. Before I could turn my head forward to see where I was going I smacked into someone and fell to the ground, my bags spilling out onto the floor. Shit, I whispered under my breath and I started frantically picking up things and shoving them roughly into the brown paper bags. Im so sorry miss, let me help you, a deep voice said, and I froze. My whole body turned to stone. It was Edward. I would know his voice anywhere, even if I hadnt heard it in five years. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! kept repeating through my mind as I tried to think of an escape plan.

I kept my head down and my hair hanging over my face as I finished collecting my items. The only thought in my mind was to get away from him as quickly as possible, and while I knew that I was being rude by ignoring his apology and offer for assistance, I didnt want to look up or speak in fear that he would recognize my voice. Once I had the last of my items I stood up and sprinted out the door to my car. I didnt bother to open the trunk but just dumped all the bags into the back seat and ran around to the drivers door. I could hear deep laughter coming towards me and my hand froze at the door handle. Edward was behind me. Miss, you ummm, forgot your spermicide jelly, he chuckled. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! I had two choices. I could jump in my car, ignore him completely, and have him think I was just some rude bitch, or I could turn and face him. I chose option one and wrenched the car door open, ready to speed off down the street. Hey, miss, he said more firmly and then my world came to a stand still. Edwards hand clamped around my wrist and the warm skin of his fingers rubbed the back of my hand. I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes as he spun me around. He was silent for a moment but he didnt let go of me. B Bella? he breathed softly. I kept my eyes closed and tried to teleport myself to anywhere else on the planet, but the chilly air and warm skin still holding me in place did not change. With a sigh I slowly opened my eyes, but looked at the ground. I knew that if I looked at him it would all be over - my self restraint, my sanity, and any chance that I had to have a life here with Jake. Hello, Edward, I whispered, my voice cracking and barely leaving my throat. He stared at me in wonder for a few moments while I kept my eyes focused on my shoes. Oh, this is yours, he said awkwardly as he held the jelly out to me.

Thanks, I said, reaching for it. I grabbed the very edge of the box, keeping my fingers as far from his as possible. Touching him was not something that I was willing to do. I could feel tears starting to burn in the corners of my eyes and all I wanted to do was to get away from him as quickly as possible, but he still had hold of my arm. I pulled against his grasp and he let me go reluctantly. Bella he said again. Theres nothing to say, Edward. Ive moved on, I said as strongly as I could, but I could feel my hands shaking and I hoped that my voice hadnt quivered. He looked at me sadly and nodded his head, looking down at the ground. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I looked up to see him properly for the first time. I had to bite my lip to swallow back the moan that tried to slip out as his features registered. He was my Edward. Sure, he was older, had small lines around his eyes, and he had lost weight in his face, but it was him and a part of me cried out to hold him. I stepped back, pressing myself against the side of my car as much as I could to get as far away from him as possible. My body was ready to betray me as readily as it had been five years ago and I would not allow that to happen. Are you happy? he whispered, looking up at me with his deep green eyes, and in them I saw every dream that I once had for my life. I froze. Being in direct eye contact with Edward was paralyzing and I didnt know how to break out of his hold. He must have been having a similar experience because he was just staring straight into my eyes and a small smile spread over his lips. I wasnt going to let him suck me in; I knew that I was already vulnerable so I had to be extra strong. I gave my head a quick shake to clear my thoughts and folded my arms over my chest. He noticed my change in demeanor and straightened up his posture. I Im sorry, he said. I looked at him incredulously. Did he really think that a simple apology was what I was after?

I dont need your apologies, Edward. I meant what I said to you in this parking lot five years ago. I dont want you in my life, I said as firmly as I could. I was actually quite proud of myself for how strong I was coming across. Inside I felt like jelly but I didnt think I had given any indication of that to Edward and I was very glad about that. I didnt want to show any weakness or softening because I knew he would pounce on it. Unfortunately, Edward always knew how to get to me. I couldnt give him the opportunity. I turned to get into my car and he grabbed my arm again, stalling me so I couldnt leave. Please, Bella, will you just talk to me? he begged. For what? So you can apologize again? Ive heard it. So you can give me excuses? I dont want to hear them. There is nothing to talk about, I yelled loudly, leaning towards him so he would get the full force of my anger. How dare he try to talk to me! I pulled my arm out of his grasp as forcefully as I could and tried to get into the car again. Edward slammed the door closed just as I was about to get in and stood in front of it so I couldnt get past. I saw red. I could feel the fury building inside me and before I had even registered what I was doing my hand shot up and I slapped him hard across the face. He let out an ouafff sound as my hand made contact and he looked at me in shock. My hands covered my mouth as I realized what I had done and I automatically took a few steps back. I wanted to apologize, to tell him that I had not meant to hit him, but I couldnt find the words. No matter how horrified I was with myself, there was a part of me that was feeling quite smug. I deserved that, he said with a small smile as he rubbed his cheek which was now turning a bright red. Is it out of your system now or would you like to take another shot? he joked casually. The rage surged through me again. He was joking around with me as if we were play fighting and nothing was wrong between us. He obviously didnt take me or our situation seriously at all. Let me get into my car, I stated, keeping all emotion out of my voice.

He stared at me for a moment as if testing my reserve and then finally nodded his head sadly and stepped away. I took the few quick steps to the car door, pulled it open quickly, and sat down. Before I could pull the door closed, Edward stood in the way and leaned down so he was my level. Where are you staying? he asked. I just glared at him as if to ask him if he really expected me to tell him. I would just like a way to contact you. I think we need to talk, sort this all out, he said, pleading and using his charm. His eyes were glittering at me and I could feel the anger ebbing awayDANGER, Will Robinson, DANGER! I could tell that he wasnt going to move or let me leave without giving him some information so I sighed loudly and twisted in my seat so that I was facing him. My fianc and I are staying with Dad until we find a place of our own, I said cruelly, knowing that the word fianc would crush him. My wish was granted. His face took on a green tinge and he leaned back from me as if I had slapped him again. His eyes traveled down my arm and froze on the ring on my left hand, and he let out a long breath. I believe you met him last night. Jacob, I said. He nodded slowly and I could see tears forming in his eyes. The elation that I had felt at causing him pain for the first time instead of him crushing me over and over again disappeared when I saw how sad he was. As angry as I was at him and as much as I wanted him to leave me alone, it hurt me to hurt him. Goodbye, Edward, say hello to Tanya for me, I said as I pulled the door closed and drove off. For the second time in my life I was driving out of this parking lot, watching Edward in my rear-view mirror after having said goodbye to him. My hands were shaking on the wheel and the thought of going home to an empty house was not appealing as I could imagine myself sitting alone and crying all day. Not to mention that Edward knew I was staying there now and he could show up. If my dad and Jake

werent around I didnt want to face him alone. I stopped in quickly at Dads house to drop off the groceries and grab a blanket, then I got back in the car and drove out of Forks. I had often enjoyed driving through the forest when I was a teenager and, without realizing it, I had automatically taken the turnoff to La Push. I drove the usual fifteen minute drive in ten minutes and pulled up in the parking lot for First Beach. Grabbing the blanket off the passenger seat, I opened the door and stepped out of the car. I took a deep breath of the salty air and sighed, feeling calmer already. I walked slowly down to the beach and soaked in the view. I had missed the islands covered in trees and the drift wood. I carefully climbed over the large pile of logs blocking the sand and jumped down onto the small rocks that covered the shore, moving slowly down to the sand. I walked past a circle of rocks filled with burnt driftwood and remembered the bon-fires that we'd had on this beach when we were in high school. Smiling to myself, I remembered the blue flames that would spark off the driftwood from the salt. I kept walking further down the beach until I found a spot of smooth sand where I could sit. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and pulled it under me as I sat and looked out at the waves. So many of my memories of Forks were tied up in Edward but this was one place that I could come and have memories where he didnt feature. Edward and I had come here together of course, but I had many friends on the reservation who I had spent time with without him. I lay back in the sand and looked up at the grey, cloudy sky and let out a contented sigh. I felt completely at ease here and made a mental note to bring Jake soon. Edwards words kept running through my head and as much I was trying to keep them out, the silence of the beach, relaxing as it was, did nothing to drown the words out. Was he right? Did we need to talk to sort everything out? Did I even want to sort things out with him? And if I did, where would that leave us? I was with Jake now and I was happy. I needed Jake and couldnt bear the thought of hurting him. I didnt know the answers to my questions but I did know that it was something I would have to sort out on my own.

I didnt dare bring up these issues with Jake. He had lived in the shadow of my past for too long and I wasnt going to make him feel any more insecure. These were my demons and I would have to face them alone. I watched the sun move behind the clouds across the sky.A I didnt know how long I had been laying there thinking, but when the clouds started to turn pink I decided that I should head home. I took one last look around at the waves, the rocks, and the islands just off the shore and stood up, brushing the sand off the blanket and giving it a quick shake before heading back to my car. The drive back to town went quickly and before I knew it I was driving down the main street and turning into my dads driveway. His car was there so I knew they were home from their fishing trip. Grabbing the blanket and carrying it back into the house, I called out as I walked through the front door. Im home. Jake appeared from the kitchen with a big smile on his face and pulled me into his arms, kissing me and spinning my around in the air. I missed you today, he whispered as he placed me back on the floor and led me into the kitchen with one arm around my waist. We have dinner, Bells. Fresh fish, my dad said, beaming at me as he prepared the fillets in the sink. Thats great! I said with a smile as I pulled away from Jake and opened the fridge, pulling out some of the vegetables I had bought to make a salad. What did you do today? Jake asked. I went grocery shopping and then headed out to La Push to sit on the beach, I told them, leaving out all the drama of the day. The beach used to be your favorite place to think, Dad said with a smile. Jake gave me a curious look and I cursed myself for having told my dad about my thinking spot. Now Jake was going to ask questions. Yeah, I just went there to ground myself and to see if it had

changed, I replied. It wasnt a lie. I hadnt specifically gone there to think. I had genuinely just gone there to see it; I couldnt help myself if some thinking had occurred while I was there. How was the fishing? I asked, trying to get the attention off me. Great! Jake said with a smile and he walked over and put his arms around me. I snuggled into his embrace and inhaled his warm scent. I felt safe here. Your boy is a natural fisherman, Dad said with a big grin. Dont let this one go! I wont! I said determinately and I wrapped my arms around Jakes waist, pulling him as close to me as possible. He kissed the top of my head and sighed contentedly. Can I do anything to help? Jake asked. You could peel the carrots, I said with a giggle. But dont peel your fingers! Jake had offered to help me with the cooking in the past and several times had come out of it injured. He was good at most everything he tried, except cooking. Ill do my best, he chuckled and gave me a wink as he took the carrots from my outstretched hand and rinsed them in the sink. I chopped some parsley and garlic, mixing it with butter before slicing a bread stick, spreading the garlic butter on the slices, and placing them in the oven to bake. Dad was grilling the fish fillets while I made a lemon and pepper dressing for the salad and helped Jake mix the vegetables together. Once all the food was ready we sat at the dining table and started eating. Oh bugger! Dad cried as he jumped out of his seat and walked over to the fridge. What is it, Dad? I asked, alarmed. I forgot the beer! he chuckled as he brought three bottles of Corona

over to the table and handed us each one. To coming home, Dad said, holding his bottle in the air in a toast. To coming home, I echoed. To a new life, Jake added with a smile to me. We clinked out bottle necks together and each took a sip before digging into our food again. So how was your first day back in town? Dad asked through a mouthful of food. It was a little bizarre, to be honest. Everything is exactly as it was when I left. Its like traveling back in time, I said honestly. I remembered my conversation with Esme and how I had promised to join her and Carlisle for dinner the following night, and I took a deep breath. I knew Jake was going to be uncomfortable about it. I bumped into Angela in the store, I started out. Oh? Dad asked as he chewed come garlic bread. Yeah, were going to get together for a coffee sometime next week, I told him. Its funny who you run into in a town as small as this, Dad said with a smile. Ahhhh, yeah. I also ran into Esme, I said softly. Dad froze, fork halfway to his mouth, and he just stared at me. Jake looked from Dad to me curiously. Who is Esme? he asked. Esme is Edwards mother, I said, reaching across the table to hold his hand, a way to reassure him of my love while talking about my old life. He didnt say anything; just nodded his head and took another bite of his food. How was that? Dad asked cautiously.

It was ok, actually. You remember how lovely she always was to me. She treated me like her own daughter. She actually invited me to dinner tomorrow night, I added before taking a long drink from my beer. I watched Jake carefully and cringed when he choked a little on his food at my words. That was, ummm, nice of her? Dad questioned as he shifted in his chair. Yes, it was very nice of her. She invited me and Jake to come over so will you be ok your own tomorrow night? I asked Dad. Ive been doing fine for years, Bells, he replied while shaking his head at me. You said yes? Jake asked, looking a little annoyed. Im sorry. She was being so nice and it seemed rude to say no. You dont have to come if you dont want to. I know it will be really uncomfortable for you, I said quickly, trying to make him feel better. Oh no, I will be there! he replied firmly as he took another mouthful of fish. We ate the rest of the meal in silence and I helped Dad with the dishes while Jake went silently upstairs. I knew that when I got up there we were going to have a very uncomfortable conversation and I was dreading it. Thanks for helping, Bells, I can finish up, Dad said, breaking me out of my train of thought. Ok, goodnight, I said softly as I kissed his cheek and left the room, walking slowly up the stairs. I could see the light on under the bedroom door and I knocked softly before going inside. I wasnt sure why I knocked on my own bedroom door but I felt like I should let him know I was coming in. Jake was sitting on the bed with his ankles crossed out in front of him. He patted the mattress next to him and gave me a half smile. Im sorry, I blurted out as I sat down and his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

Is this dinner important to you? he asked softly. The dinner isnt important but Esme is. Jake flinched at my words and I realized how they must have sounded. Let me explain. To me, Esme has nothing to do with Edward. I mean, I know she is his mother but she is so much more to me than that. After my mother died I became really close to Esme and she became as close to me as my mother had been. When I left Forks I felt like I had walked away from my mother and it would be nice to have her back. It has nothing to do with Edward, I swear, I told him honestly. Jakes started stroking my hair and he let out a long sigh. Ok, lets go to the dinner. I looked up at him in awe. I had never known anyone as selfless or loving in my life. He was willing to go into an awkward and possibly hurtful situation, for me. I reached up and placed my hand on the back of his head, pulling it down to me so I could kiss his lips. Thank you, Jake, I whispered against his mouth, and he smiled and kissed me again, pulling me into his lap. But I need you to promise me that he isnt going to be there, I couldnt handle that, he said, looking vulnerable and sad. No! I made Esme promise that it would just be her and her husband. No one else, I assured him. Ok, dinner, he said with a nod of his head. I snuggled against his chest and thought about how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to have him in my life. A pang of guilt hit me and I thought about where it could have come from. I knew immediately that it was because I hadnt told Jake that I had seen Edward. He deserved to know. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the conversation. Jake, I whispered as he started stroking my back. Mmmm? I saw Edward at the grocery store today, I said softly, but I knew he had heard me. His hand stopped rubbing my back and he had sucked

in a quick breath. He said he wanted to talk to me but I yelled at him and told him that I didnt want him in my life and then I I hesitated for a moment. Would knowing that I had hit him make Jake feel better or just make him think badly of me? I decided that either way, he deserved to know the truth. And then I slapped him, I said with a large sigh. Jake was silent for a moment and then I felt his body start to shake slightly beneath me. I was horrified that I had made him cry and I sat up quickly. I was surprised to see him smiling. You you slapped him? he asked between gasps. He was laughing hard now. Yes, I said, ashamed, as I looked down at the bed and started picking at a loose thread on the bedspread. He must have really pissed you off! Jake laughed. He did! I agreed as I remembered him slamming my car door so I couldnt get away from him. Jakes face went serious for a moment and he looked down at me in concern. Are you ok? Did he upset you? he asked, genuinely concerned. Im fine, I assured him. I told him about you, I added, hoping that the fact that I had told Edward about him would help Jake to feel more secure. He didnt say anything, but pulled back into his arms and switched off the lamp. His fingers ran through my hair soothingly as his breathing slowed and I knew he had fallen to sleep. For the second night in a row I fell asleep in the arms of the man who I loved, who meant everything to me, while thinking about a man who had done nothing but hurt me. Chapter 4 A Waltz Down Memory Lane ~ 7th October 2009 ~ ~ Bella ~ What do you think of this one? Jake asked, peering over the top of

the newspaper. Describe it to me, I said through a mouthful of toast. We were sitting at the dining table in my Dads kitchen eating breakfast and looking for houses in the newspaper. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms on Seventeenth Street. Big yard, lock-up garage and lawn-care is included? he posed. Sounds good, I said with a nod and I took another bite of toast. Add it to the list, I mumbled, crumbs falling out of my mouth. Weve got four to look at now. Do you want any more or do you think thats enough? he asked. I think thats enough. If we dont like any of these, I said, pointing to the newspaper with highlighted circles over the page, then we can just look again in next weeks paper. Agreed, Jake said with a smile as he stood up and rinsed his plate in the sink and stacked it on the bench. Im going to have a shower and then we can head off. Ok, I replied as I started flicking through the paper, looking for any interesting news. I had showered before breakfast and was ready to go whenever Jake was ready. Fifteen minutes later he was walking down the stairs in jeans and a sweatshirt and looking sexy with his hair still a little wet. You look nice, I said, winking at him. Like what you see huh? he chuckled as he held his arms apart for me to look him over. Very much, I giggled, and I walked over and slipped my arms around his waist, tilting my head up to look at him. Lets go find our new home. He leaned down and kissed me gently before smacking me on the bum and walking me out the door to the car. I held my hand out for the keys but he raised an eyebrow at me stubbornly. You dont know your way around town, it makes sense for me to drive, I told him logically.

Well, Ill never learn my way around if I dont drive it myself. You can just direct me, he said simply as he got into the drivers seat and started the car before I had even opened the passenger side door. We drove in silence except for me telling him where to turn, but because Forks was such a small town, he practically knew the way without my directions. We pulled up in the driveway of the first house and both stared at it. This is not where we live, I said bluntly, folding my arms over my chest. I agree wholeheartedly, he said as he started the engine again and reversed out of the driveway and started to drive to the next house. I tried not to be snobby most of the time, but when I thought about home it did not include an empty bathtub in the front yard. We pulled up on the street outside the second house. What do you think? Jake asked, waiting for me to say of it was okay or not. Looks fine so far, lets check out the inside, I suggested and he turned off the car. We got out and walked up the drive holding hands. The Home Open sign was next to the letter box and as we approached the front door we were greeted by a bubbly young man who showed us into the lobby. The house was built ten years ago and has only had one previous owner he started but Jake cut him off. We dont need the spiel thanks, but wed like to have a look around if thats okay? Jake asked as he clapped the young guy on the shoulder. Oh, sure, he said enthusiastically and went to stand back by the front door to wait for new people to pounce on. Jake and I walked through into the kitchen which was lovely; it was very open with marble bench tops. Jake let out a whistle and turned to me with his eyebrows raised. I could tell he was impressed. Before you get too attached, lets check out the bedrooms, I

laughed. We walked up the stairs and I couldnt help but to be impressed with the large master suite with ensuite. There was a Jacuzzi and his-andhers sinks as well as a large walk-in closet. I like it, Jake said, turning to me. It does look good. What was the rent on this one? I asked. I dont remember and I left the ad in the car but I remember that it was definitely do-able. We can afford this, he said excitedly as he pulled me into the bathroom. We could soak in the Jacuzzi with champagne and then move into the bedroom for you know, he said with a wink. To emphasize his point he walked over and ran his hands up my stomach, cupping my breasts and squeezing them roughly through my shirt as he started kissing my neck. I laughed and teased him that he had a one track mind but stopped laughing when I was struck with deja vu. The memory flooded my mind so powerfully that I couldnt have stopped it if I tried. ~ 13th April 2002 ~ What do you think? I whispered as we walked up the stairs to look at the bedroom. The estate agent had been shadowing us around the house and we had finally managed to lose him when an elderly couple came in to view the house. I like it. What do you think? Edward asked as his hand found mind and he intertwined our fingers. I suppose I could live here, I joked, acting coy. When we reached the landing at the top of the stairs, Edward pulled me into the bedroom and pressed me against the wall. We could be making love in this room every night for the rest of our lives, he whispered huskily in my ear as his hands roamed over my body. Mmmmmm, I breathed out. It was hard to think coherently when his

hands were touching me so seductively. His hand slipped between my legs and rubbed the sensitive flesh through my jeans. I moaned again, a little louder this time and bit his shoulder to keep myself quiet. We heard footsteps on the stairs and Edward swore under his breath and he pulled away from me reluctantly. How do you like it? the estate agent asked as he came into the room, followed by the elderly couple. Well take it, Edward said casually and looked over at me for conformation. I nodded my head, with a big cheesy grin on my face. The elderly couple gave us a happy smile like they were looking at a younger version of themselves and left the room. Let me just go out to the car and get the paperwork for you to look over and take to your lawyers, the agent said before disappearing. Come on, quick! Edward exclaimed as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the ensuite, locking the door behind us. What? I asked, unsure why were locking ourselves away in a rush. I have to have you, he breathed into my ear as his hands quickly undid the button fly of my jeans and he pulled them down around my ankles, slipping them off one leg. Spread your legs, he whispered, pleading me to let him in. Edward, we cant! Hell be back any second, I scolded as I reached down to pull my jeans up. He sighed. Youre right. Im sorry, I just got carried away. No need to ever apologize for wanting to make love to me, I assured him and leaned up and kissed him passionately. Ill make it up to you when we get home, I whispered in his ear as I trailed kisses down his jaw-line. I like the sound of that, he chuckled before kissing me again. Lets get home then! I pulled my jeans back up and fastened the fly before following him back out into the bedroom where the agent was standing, giving us a

very smug look. I felt heat radiating from my cheeks and knew that I must be as red as a tomato. Edward had a silly smirk on his face and subtly reached over and smoothed my hair down where it must have been standing up from him running his hands through it. Here are the contracts for you to look over, the agent said with a smile. Thank you, Edward replied politely as he took the papers and grabbed my hand. Well get them back to you by the end of the week. The agent nodded and smirked at me again; I was starting to feel very uncomfortable with him staring at me like that. Lets go, Edward whispered as we both ran down the stairs and out to the car. ***** I was pulled out of the memory by the aching hole in my chest that felt like it was on fire. I doubled over suddenly and Jake leaned over, concerned. Are you okay? What happened baby? he asked, panic in his voice. Im fine, I just need some fresh air, I gasped as Jake led me out onto the large balcony off the main bedroom. I took a few deep breaths and could feel my heart rate slowing down and the panic subsiding. Jake rubbed my back soothingly and pressed soft kisses against my forehead. It was quite stuffy in there; I was feeling a little hot myself. If we decide to live here well have to remember to leave some windows open, he laughed. Do you like it here? I asked, my voice shaking slightly. I think its perfect for us, he smiled and then kissed my forehead again. I think so too, I told him decidedly. Lets not look at the other two houses; Im happy with this one. Youre sure? Jake asked, as he pulled his head back to look into my

eyes. His large brown orbs penetrated mine looking for any sign of uncertainty. Im sure, I assured him and I gave him a reassuring smile. I pushed the memory of Edward out of my mind and talked excitedly with Jake and the agent about the property. We took the paperwork and promised to return it to his office by early the following week. As we drove home, I noticed that Jake was scowling. Whats wrong? I asked him as I reached over and stroked the back of his neck. Im just thinking about this dinner we are going to tonight, he sighed. I let my head fall back on the seat back and held my hands tightly in my lap. Are you ok with it? I asked nervously. If Jake asked me to cancel the dinner I would, but I dreaded having to call Esme and tell her that I wasnt coming after the sadness that I had seen on her face yesterday. Yes. Well no, but I will go for you, he said, giving me a sad smile. I love you, Jacob Black, I whispered and I leaned across and kissed his cheek, stroking my thumb over his chin. I love you, Isabella Swan, he said, smiling at me. Ooo, stop! I shrieked suddenly and Jake slammed the brakes on, causing the car behind us to honk their horn. What? he asked, looking around panicked for a stray dog on the road or a pedestrian that he had been about to hit. I looked at him guiltily and pursed my lips. Sorry baby, I just meant to pull over so I could show you something, I said softly. Jake gave me an incredulous look as if I was crazy and then he burst out laughing. You never fail to surprise me, he said, shaking his head from side to side as he spun the wheel to pull over onto the curb and stopped the car, turning in his seat to look at me.

Well? he asked. Come on! I said excitedly as I jumped out of the car and ran across the street. I could hear Jakes footsteps as he ran behind me but I didnt stop until I reached the grass. I spun around just in time to see Jake catch up to me and look around curiously. This, I stated loudly as I threw my arms out, is my school, I declared proudly. Jake started laughing at my grandiose manner. Its nice, he said, obviously not impressed. Well, I know its small, but this is where I spent my teen years. I had my first kiss on these grounds, learned to love Shakespeare, and danced at my Senior Prom, right here at this school, I said, recounting some of the more important events of my teen years. Who was your prom date? Jake asked, looking as if he didnt really want to know the answer. I cringed and held back a little vomit from rising into my mouth. Mike Newton, the school quarterback, I said with a grimace. Not Edward? Jake asked, a little surprised. No, I didnt meet Edward until the year after graduation, I said softly. Jake looked quite smug and I shook my head at his possessiveness as he took my hand and I led him around the school buildings. So did Mike get lucky after prom? Jake asked, chuckling. Ewwww, no! I caught him making out with Jessica Stanley in the girls bathroom. Jake looked furious for a moment and then sadness crossed his face. So you were sad at your prom? he asked softly, stroking my cheek tenderly. Well, at the time I was sad but now Im fine, I laughed as I thought back to what a lucky thing it had been. I couldnt even imagine what

my life would have been like if I had have ended up with Mike. Probably working at the grocery store like Jessica was now, with four kids at home. We turned the corner and the gym came into sight. It looked exactly the same as I remembered it. We walked over to the open door and peeked inside; there were streamers everywhere and decorations on the walls. I wonder what is going on in there, I said. There was a fundraiser dance last night, an old mans voice said. I turned around to see the same janitor who had worked at the school when I had gone here standing behind me with a broom in his hand. He looked at me for a moment and then smiled. Bella Swan, he breathed softly. Hello, I said with a smile. Do you mind if we go in? I asked. I knew that we probably shouldnt be on the schools grounds as neither Jake nor I had any connection to the school now, but I was hoping we could just have a quick look inside. Sure, have a look around, the janitor said with a smile before walking away and disappearing around the corner. Jake had a big smile on his face and he grasped my hand tightly and pulled me into the gym. I let go of his hand and looked around the room. The decorations were all blue and silver, the same as my prom had been; it was all so familiar. Will you dance with me? Jake asked, holding his hand out. I giggled and felt a rush of excitement as he twirled me around and then held my waist tightly, waltzing me around the gym. Close your eyes, he whispered in my ear. I obeyed and smiled when he started humming a slow tune that we could dance to. If I allowed myself to believe it, it actually felt like I was dancing at my prom. The smell of the gym helped to make the illusion a reality and the strong arms around me and the sweet scent of Jake made me feel content.

Thank you, I whispered. I felt his warm breath on my face and sensed him moving closer before his lips softly touched mine. I leaned into his chest and let out a soft moan against his mouth. Ewwww, there are old people kissing in here, a girls voice screeched and I was immediately ripped out of my illusion. Jake and I stopped dancing and looked over to see a group of young girls staring at us, horrified. I felt the familiar heat rising in my cheeks and knew that I was turning red. I could feel Jakes body quivering against mine and I knew that he was trying his best to hold in laughter. Sorry, I called as Jake and I made out way out of the gym and into the locker rooms at the back entrance. Once we were safely in the girls locker room, Jake was looking around with an awe-inspired look on his face. What is it baby? I asked, wondering what was so fascinating. This is the girls locker room, he breathed out. Uh huh, I replied, not really understanding where he was going with that line of thought. He shook his head slightly and then gave me a boyish grin. Sorry, its just a boyhood fantasy of mine to be in here. And Im sure in that fantasy there were lots of naked girls, I giggled. Just one, he said huskily as he stalked towards me. I screamed and giggled as I ran away from him while he chased me around the room. When he finally caught up to me, he tickled my stomach before picking me up and spinning me around in his arms. What are you doing in here? a stern womans voice asked. Jake I both spun around with guilty looks on our faces. Sorry, we were just leaving, Jake told her as we hurried out the door and back to the car. We laughed all the way back to Dads house.

***** We sat in the car, staring at the Cullen house, both of us extremely nervous. Jake was nervous because he was about to have dinner with my ex-husbands parents and I was terrified because I didnt know if I would even be able to walk in the front door without hyperventilating, let alone sit through a whole dinner. I thought of Esme and how sad she had looked in the grocery story and took a deep breath. We could do this! I took the keys out of the ignition and unfastened my seat belt. I looked over at Jake and reached my hand out to run my fingers through his hair softly. He turned to look at me and gave me a small smile; it was easy to see that he was being strong for me. Lets do this, he said, motivating himself as much as me. I nodded my head and we got out of the car. We met in the driveway and he reached out and took my hand. As much of a hard time as he was having with this, he knew that I needed support and I loved him for it. Are you ok? he whispered as he walked up to the front door. I nodded my head. You? I asked back. He nodded back and gave me a weak smile as we reached the door. We both took a deep breath at the same time and I reached out and pressed the doorbell. I heard the chiming inside and footsteps approaching the door. I held my breath and squeezed Jakes hand as the door opened and a smiling Esme appeared in the doorway. Bella! she exclaimed happily and pulled my into a tight hug, my hand pulled awkwardly out behind me still holding Jakes hand. And you must be Jacob. Its lovely to meet you, she said politely as she held the door open for us to enter. Jake and I both removed out coats and hung them on the coat stand by the door and followed Esme through to the living room. I looked around in awe at the house; it was exactly as I had remembered it. The furniture was the same, with a few new pieces

added here and there, but the smell was so familiar that even though it was a highly stressful situation, I felt instantly at home. I had to resist the urge to kick my shoes off and lie down on the couch. Your house is lovely, Jake said politely and I squeezed his hand again, thanking him for being here and making an effort with Esme. Thank you Jacob, we like it, she said with a smile. Please call me Jake, he replied. Esme nodded and gave me a smile that did not reach her eyes. I was sure that to Jake she seemed very pleasant, but I knew Esme well enough to see that she was hurting and I wondered if this dinner was as hard for her as it was for Jake and me. We walked through into the kitchen and saw Carlisle stirring something on the stove with his back turned to us. Our guests have arrived, Esme said as she walked around the bench and peeked inside the oven, a delicious smell filling the room. Carlisle spun around and I honestly didnt know who looked more surprised; me or him. I felt my mouth hanging open at the sight of him and I had to consciously think close mouth so I wouldnt look like a fool. For a moment I had thought it was Edward standing there. I realized that I had never noticed how much like his father Edward was. Carlisles hair was blonder, his eyes were blue and his face had a few more lines than I remembered but the features were almost identical to his sons. Its so wonderful to see you sweetheart, Carlisle stated, his voice shaking slightly as he walked around the bench and pulled me into a tight hug. You too, Dad, I replied automatically and we both froze. Ummm, sorry I mean Carlisle, I said softly. He pulled back and held my shoulders, looking me over with sad eyes. You look good Bella. He released me and turned to Jake with his hand outstretched. And you must be Jacob; its a pleasure to meet you.

Its just Jake, and its nice to meet you too, Jake said politely and shook Carlisles hand. I hope you are taking good care of our girl here, Carlisle chuckled. I do my best, Jake said with a smile. He does a great job! I told them as I slipped one arm around Jakes waist and rubbed his chest softly with my other hand. Ahhh well, good, Carlisle responded awkwardly. Esme was stirring whatever was on the stove frantically as we all stood in uncomfortable silence. Drinks! Esme shrieked, causing me to jump. Carlisle, would you get everyone a drink? she elaborated more calmly. Vodka, lime and soda, Bella? Carlisle asked with a smile. I nodded my head and smiled back at him. You remembered! He gave a quick nod of his head before turning to Jake. Would you like a beer? Or we have scotch, he offered. A beer is perfect, thanks, Jake told him and we followed Carlisle back into the living room. We sat down together on the loveseat under the window and Jake casually threw his arm around my shoulders like he usually did when we sat together. Carlisle was behind the bar mixing drinks and Esme walked in carrying a platter of nuts and a selection of cheeses. What would you like dear? Carlisle asked Esme as she sat on the sofa opposite Jake and me. Ill have a glass of Chardonnay, she said over her shoulder as she stared at Jakes hand on my shoulder. Jake must have noticed her staring because he sat up straighter in his seat and removed his arm from around me, laying it stiffly in his lap. Here we go, Carlisle said happily as he handed Jake a beer and me a short glass filled with clear liquid, crushed ice and a wedge of lime. He reached over the bar and collected the rest of the drinks before

sitting next to Esme and handing her the glass of wine. I took a sip of my drink and smiled; Carlisle had mixed it in perfect proportion, exactly how I liked it. So, how did you two meet? Esme asked sharply. I was sure she hadnt meant her voice to be so harsh but she couldnt hide the fact that she didnt approve of my new relationship. Jake pulled me over for speeding, I said with a laugh. Are you a police officer? Esme asked, leaning forward in her seat slightly. Jake nodded his head and Carlisle let out a warm chuckle. I bet Charlie loves that! he said, before taking a long sip of his scotch on the rocks. He does, Jake said, laughing along with him. So, he showed up at my house one day and asked me out. I said no, several times in fact and then one night I came home from work late and Jake was standing outside my apartment in the pouring rain with a bunch of flowers. He had been standing out in the rain for hours but he just stayed and waited for me, I told them as I rubbed Jakes thigh softly. I knew it would take a grand gesture to get her to notice me, Jake laughed with a shrug of his shoulders and I relaxed a little knowing that he was calming down. Esme and Carlisle were both sitting with the exact same expression on their faces, a painted-on smile of politeness, but it was obvious that they were not happy with our romantic story. I wondered if they hoped that Jake was going to be a horrible person and were disappointed that he was a gentleman who clearly loved me. I decided that for the comfort level of the evening and because I wanted to support Jake, I had to say something that I was hoping could be left unsaid. I leaned forward in my seat and placed my drink on the table. I took in a deep breath and looked at Esme and then Carlisle, making sure that I had both of their attention. Carlisle, Esme, I started and they both looked at me. I know that

this is an uncomfortable situation for all of us and that we are all feeling slightly freaked out, but I hope that you can respect that I am happy with Jake. I know that ideally you would both like me to be with Edward, but the truth is that Edward broke me. He shattered me into a million little pieces and then left me to pick up the pieces on my own. I stopped to take a breath and Jake started rubbing my back soothingly. Carlisle had shifted in his seat and Esme had tears forming in her eyes. I was broken and I had to put myself back together again, and Jake helped me to do that. I think you can both see that he is a wonderful man and that he loves me very much. So while we all know this is an uncomfortable situation, I hope you can both respect that Jake is in my life, and he is here to stay. We are getting married and I am very happy with my new life. I stopped talking and picked up my drink, taking a long sip as I watched my ex-in-laws take in my rant. Jake continued to rub soothing circles on my back while we waited for a response. Thank you for having the courage to say that Bella. I think we were all avoiding the big, pink elephant in the room and now I feel that we can talk openly about it. I will be honest with you, this is hard for us, as I am sure it is for you. To us, you are our daughter and always will be and I can honestly say that we are happy that you have found someone who loves you as much as Jake obviously does. His presence in our home tonight is testament to that. And I can also say honestly that we are eternally sorry for how our son treated you and that he hurt you so deeply. There is not way for us to ever make that that up to you. But in saying both those things, I must also add that we do wish that things were different, Carlisle said softly, never breaking eye contact with me. Esme wiped a tear from her cheek and nodded her head solemnly at me. I can appreciate that, but things are not different. Im going to be very blunt here and I want you to know that what I am about to say is not to hurt you, I just need to be honest. I would love to have you both in my life again, I have missed you so much, but Jake is a part of my package. You cant have just me without him. If that is not something that you can accept then we will go and not come back, with no hard feelings, I told them. I had to fight back tears as I gave

them the ultimatum. It felt so wrong but at the same time I knew that I had to do it. Esme and Carlisle looked at each other and seemed to communicate silently with each other. After a moment they both nodded their heads and turned back to me. We accept your terms and we would like to express to Jake that he is welcome here and we apologize if we had made him feel uncomfortable at all tonight, Esme said with a small smile. I smiled back at them and nodded my head before turning to Jake. He nodded to me with a smile. Thank you. Im glad that you have accepted me because I know how important to Bella you both are and I wouldnt want her to lose two of the most special people in her life because of me, he said before taking another sip of his beer. We all sat in silence for a few moments, drinking our drinks. We didnt really know what to say after the big share-session we had just had. The silence was more comfortable than before however, because everything was out in the open now. Luckily we were saved from the silence by a high pitched *DING* from the kitchen. Dinners ready, Esme cheered, sounding much more like the cheerful Esme that I remembered than she had all night. We all stood and moved into the dining room, Esme disappeared into the kitchen and Carlisle went to pour more drinks. Will you be ok if I leave you with Carlisle for a few minutes? I want to help Esme serve the food, I whispered in Jakes ear. Ill be fine, he whispered back and I squeezed his hand tightly before walking into the kitchen. What can I do to help? I asked. You can come over here at let me look at you, Esme chuckled as she held her arms out. I moved around the bench and stood in front of her, doing a little spin.

You like? I joked. You look lovely. So grown up! Esme sighed as she looked me over. She looked solemn for a moment before I saw resolve in her eyes and she looked at me determinedly. Can I ask you something personal dear? Yes, I replied nervously, hoping she wasnt going to ask me if I was having sex with Jake, or what sex was like with her son! I swallowed nervously. What you said in there, about being broken and Edward leaving you to pick up the pieces, what did you mean by that? she asked softly. I was silent for a moment. I wasnt sure if this was worse than the sex questions or not. What has Edward told you about what happened? I asked. Not a lot. He said that he had cheated on you, and that he was disgusted with himself for it and then the next news we heard was that you had left town, she told me. I was surprised to find out that Edward had told the truth. Sure, he had left out a lot of details but he hadnt tried to paint himself as the victim and I was grateful for that. He did cheat on me, I said. Esmes covered her mouth as if she was hearing the news for the first time. What he neglected to tell you was that it was with Tanya. Tanya Denali? Esme asked, her eyes hardening and her voice sharp. I nodded my head and tried to hold back the tears that I could feel building. And the reason that I left town was because a few weeks after I found out about the affair, I saw them kissing in the grocery store and it was too much for me. I knew that I couldnt stay here and see them all over town. Esme nodded her head. She looked angry now and not sad at all. She pulled me into a tight hug but didnt say a word right away. Im very sorry that you had to go through that, she said finally as we

pulled out of the hug. I nodded and wiped from my cheek the tears that had finally escaped. Esme led me back into the dining room and while I went to sit next to Jake, Esme stood in the doorway with her arms folded over her chest. Carlisle, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment, she said, telling him more than asking. Yes, dear, Carlisle said happily as he followed her out of the dining room. How are you doing? Jake asked me, reaching out and stroking my hand. Im fine, I replied with a half smile. He looked at me sceptically. I mean, its been an emotional night but Im holding up fine, I told him. Jake opened his mouth to say something but stopped when we heard raised voices coming from the kitchen. What do you want me to do, Esme? I cant just fire her! She hasnt done anything wrong! Carlisle said loudly. You dont think that being Edwards mistress is enough? Esme shouted back. I agree that this is very unfortunate information, but I dont have a work related reason to let her go, Carlisle stated, staying firm. Unfortunate? Esme asked, her voice getting very loud. Well talk about this later, we have guests, Carlisle insisted, ending the conversation and Jake and I looked at each other. Esmes fierce reaction to my words in the kitchen made sense now. Tanya worked for Carlisle. I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach. If she worked for the Cullens then she must still be seeing Edward. Esme and Carlisle appeared in the doorway, the strained expressions from the beginning of the evening back on their faces but I knew that

this time they had nothing to do with mine and Jakes relationship, but with the argument that they had just had. Hearing them had unnerved me a little; I had never heard them argue before. I made your favourite, Bella, Esme said as she placed a large lasagne down on the table in front of us. It looks lovely, I told her as I took a big sniff of the warm homely aroma coming from the tray. Carlisle placed a bread basket and a bowl of salad down on the table silently and took his seat while Esme started slicing the lasagne. Please help yourselves, she said with a curt smile and I reached out and took a slice of lasagne and a bread roll. Just as I was reaching for the salad bowl, the sound of keys rattling came from the entrance and Esme and Carlisle looked at each other curiously as we heard the front door open and footsteps come down the hall. Hey Mom, something smells great in here, Edwards voice called out and I froze. My head whipped around to stare at Esme with narrowed eyes. Had she planned this? Chapter 5 The Effect Of His Silent Words ~ Bella ~ Everyone at the dinner table sat frozen. Esme and Carlisle were both staring at me, Jake was looking determinedly at his plate, and I was glaring at Esme through narrowed eyes. My whole body was rigid like I was stuck in concrete and I analysed the expression on Esmes face with much scrutiny. Had she planned Edward showing up? I could see her doing it if I was here alone, but would she really invite him over with Jake sitting right here? I refused to believe that Esme would do something so cruel. The expression of shock on her face seemed genuine enough, but I wasnt sure if I trusted my judgement. Edwards footsteps grew closer and I saw his shadow move past the doorway as he walked into the kitchen. Where are you? he called before his footsteps started again and his

shadow moved into the dining room. He appeared a second later, staring at the scene in front of him in confusion and then, as realization set in, his features turned to sadness and then anger. What the hell is he doing here? Edward yelled, pointing at Jake. Edward, calm down, Carlisle warned. Edwards eyes flashed but he backed down. His gaze met mine and it burned with some unsaid emotion that I couldnt place. I tore my gaze from his and leaned over to whisper in Jakes ear. Are you ok? I asked him. Jake shifted uncomfortably in his chair and nodded his head. I reached over and took his hand in mine, squeezing it reassuringly. Edward dear, Esme said very calmly, we have guests right now and I think you should leave. Edwards jaw dropped in shock at his mothers words. Are you seriously kicking me out? he asked, astonished. Its not appropriate for you to be here now, Esme stated, anger seeping into her voice. I cant fucking believe this! Edward yelled, throwing his arms up in the air. Edward, Carlisle said again, firmer this time as he stood up. The pain on Edwards face was gut-wrenching and I had to resist the urge to run to him, hold him and make everything ok. The only thing keeping me in my seat was Jakes hand, still anchored in mine. Seeing that he wasnt getting anywhere with his parents, Edward turned his attention to me, his bright green eyes piercing mine. Bella, can I speak to you in the living room? he asked softly, all anger gone from his voice. I couldnt help the gush of breath that I exhaled at his words. There is nothing to say, Edward, I said softly, looking down into my lap. I heard him sigh with frustration. There is A LOT to say! he yelled,

his voice echoing around the room. I felt Jake pull his hand from mine and before I knew it he was on his feet and his chair skidded backwards. You are going to back off! Jake said calmly, but I could tell he was using his police voice because the authority rang through. Just butt out, Jacob, this is between my and my wife, Edward said, with so much hatred in his voice that if I hadnt have seen his mouth moving I wouldnt have believed the words were coming from him. Shes not your wife anymore! You screwed it up. Now, Bella is my fiance, Jake shot back calmly and I could tell that he was getting pleasure from cutting Edward down. Ok boys, lets calm down, Carlisle said firmly, holding his hands up. Edward folded his arms over his chest and glared at Jake. I looked at Esme, who I knew was already furious with Edward because of our discussion about Tanya, and I gave her a sympathetic look. Edward, please come with me. Esme stood stiffly and walked into the living room and I heard her footsteps go up the stairs. Edward looked at me and tried to convey something with his eyes. I looked away and watched out of the corner of my eye as he followed his mother. He thought I hadnt known the question his eyes were asking me but of course I did. I had always been able to read Edward and I knew that he was pleading for me to stay while he was upstairs so we could talk when he came back. Bella, Jake, Im so sorry for this. I swear that Esme and I had no idea that Edward was going to show up tonight, Carlisle assured me as he sat back down and took a sip of his drink. Do you want to leave? I asked Jake softly and I noticed that Carlisles face fell slightly when he heard my words. Jake sighed and turned in his seat to face me. Its important for you to be here, he said simply, but I could tell that he didnt like the idea of staying. Looking into his eyes I saw how much pain Jake was in and I made the decision to support him like he had supported me by being here, and

we would leave. I turned to Carlisle and gave him a weak smile. Carlisle, I started but he held his hand up to stop me. I understand sweetheart. I really am sorry for this, he stated sadly. All three of us stood up and Carlisle held his arms out to me as he had when I first saw him that night. I walked over and melted into his chest as his arms wrapped around me. He squeezed tightly and kissed the top of my head. It was so good to see you, please dont let tonight stop you from keeping in contact, he whispered in my ear and I nodded my head against his chest. I moved out of his embrace and headed towards the front door, Jakes hand held tightly in mine. Esme appeared at the top of the stairs and looked down at us with red eyes and tears running down her cheeks; it looked like she had been fighting with Edward and I could only guess what that conversation had been like for her. She ran quickly down the stairs and pulled me into a tight hug. Youre not leaving? she asked between sniffles. Im sorry, Esme, I hope you understand. Thank you so much for the invitation. Jake and I will have you over to our new house when we move in, I promised her and she nodded her head as Carlisle came over and put a comforting arm around her shoulders. As I turned to leave I noticed Edward walking slowly down the stairs. Our gaze met and his eyes burned into mine as he took the last step down onto the floor. I didnt know why he could still do that to me, but he could. Jakes arm swung around my shoulder possessively and pulled me towards the door. I could see Edwards hand gripping the banister so tightly that his knuckles were white. The scowl on his face as he watched Jake and I turn to leave was like nothing I had ever seen on him. I reminded myself that I didnt know Edward anymore, and for that matter, maybe I never had. But I could still read him; he was heartbroken. Jake pulled the front door open and ushered me outside. I turned and looked back over my shoulder to see Esme and Carlisle giving me weak smiles, putting on a happy face after the unfortunate events of

the evening. I gave Edward one last look and he mouthed something to me before he was out of my view and as Jake was opening the passenger door of the car for me. I sat in the car and fastened my seatbelt, my mind still in the living room watching Edwards lips form those words. I must have read him wrong. He couldnt have said those words. Jake started the car and drove out onto the main road. He looked over at me with a smile. Thank you, we didnt have to leave, he said softly as he reached over and rubbed my thigh gently. Yes, we did. Im sorry he upset you, I replied, placing my hand on his and rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand. Its not your fault, I just didnt like the way he was speaking to you, Jake said with a shrug of his shoulders. It was nice before Edward arrived though. I smiled. Esme and Carlisle are lovely people, Im glad you liked them. I didnt want to like them. I had myself convinced that tonight was going to be torturous, but, forgetting about the unexpected guest, it was a nice night, Jake said in a genuine tone. I nodded my head, only half listening to what he was saying. My mind was still on the words that Edward had mouthed as I walked out the door and the pained look in his eyes. Why was I so sympathetic to him? He had broken my heart, shattered my soul and crushed my spirit. I had worked hard to put myself back together and yet one sad, puppy-dog look from him and all my defences were crashing down. Earth to Bella, Jake said with a laugh. Huh? I asked, breaking out of my thought. I asked if you wanted to pick up some food seeing as we didnt get to eat our dinner, he said. Oh, ummm, Im not really hungry, I said softly. Are you ok? Jake asked, concern on his face.

Yes, well, tonight was difficult, but Im fine, I sighed. Jake frowned and pulled the car over to the side of the road, putting his blinkers on to alert passing cars that we were pulled over. Is this something we need to talk about? he asked, reaching his hand up to cup my face and lift it so we made eye contact. Maybe, I dont know, I said honestly with a shrug of my shoulders. That means yes, he sighed, looking sad. Lets go back to Charlies and talk. I thought for a moment and decided that going home was a bad idea. The walls were thin and I didnt want to risk my Dad hearing our conversation. Actually, I know somewhere where we can go and talk in private, I suggested. Id love to show it to you. Jake turned to me and gave me a smile. Your thinking spot? he asked. I nodded my head, grinning. I had been telling Jake about my thinking spot on First Beach for years and I was excited to show it to him. I knew that I would feel relaxed there and I hoped the calming sounds of the ocean would help keep our talk civilized. I gave Jake directions to La Push and felt myself calming the closer we got. The town looked different in the dark than it did during the day. The usually open windows and people sitting in doorways were all closed up and the streets were practically empty. We pulled up at the end of the street and walked together down to the beach. This is amazing! Jake breathed as he took in the view. I looked around and flicked my hair out of my eyes and the sea air blew it around my head. The full moon was reflecting brightly off the water and bounced up onto the shore, giving us enough light to navigate safely over the driftwood and onto the sand. Jakes hand wrapped around mine and both kicked our shoes off, leaving them in the sand and walking further down the beach. The sand was cool between my toes and I took a deep breath of the fresh, salty air.

Where shall we sit? I asked. I dont know, this is your spot, Jake said with a smile as he turned to me. I was glad to see that he didnt appear to be too upset; I wondered how he would feel once we got home tonight. I hoped that what was on my mind wasnt going to upset him, but I knew that it might. I sat down cross-legged in the sand and Jake sat facing me. We held both of each others hands and smiled at each other. Your special place is lovely, thank you for sharing it with me, Jake said, breaking the silence that had fallen over us. I want to share everything about my life with you, I whispered. Jake squeezed my hand and nodded his head, letting me know that he felt the same. I let out a long sigh and lay back on the sand, my knees bent and my feet flat on the sand. Jake swivelled around in the sand so he was laying next to me in an identical pose and we both lay there looking up at the moon and the stars. One thing that Forks had over Portland was how clear the night sky was without all the city lights. So Jake started. So I echoed before letting out a long breath and readying myself for the conversation we were going to have. Jake had always encouraged us to have open communication in our relationship and even thought we had been together for several years we had never had a fight because we always talked things out. This was a major difference to my relationship with Edward; we had very rarely discussed any issues that came up. I knew that I could talk to Jake about this, but I was still nervous. How did you feel when Edward showed up tonight? Exactly? I posed. I thought it would be a good idea to understand exactly how Jake felt about this situation before I started to talk. Honestly, it frightened me, he sighed. I can see that he still loves you very much and my territorial, testosterone driven nature went into overdrive. He paused for a moment and turned onto his side so he was staring at my face. And the part that terrifies me the most is that

I saw feelings in your eyes too. I closed my eyes. I couldnt stand to look at his face because I knew the pain that I would see there and I couldnt bare to know how much he was hurting. Jake thought he saw love in my eyes, was that true? How did you feel when Edward showed up tonight? Exactly? he prompted, mirroring my question to him. At first I felt angry. I wasnt sure if Esme had arranged for him to be there, but once I could see how genuinely surprised both she and Carlisle were, I knew that it had been a co-incidence, I started. Taking a deep breath I elaborated, I felt so many things; shock, pain, worry curiosity. Can you tell me why you were feeling each of those things? Jake asked softly as he gently brushed some hair off my forehead. I thought for a moment. I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head that it was hard to keep them all straight. I felt shock because I hadnt expected him to be there. I was just starting to relax and enjoy the night and Edward walking in was the last thing I had expected. I felt pain because when I saw his face I was reminded of my past with him and what he had done to me. It was like a slap in the face and the pain felt so raw, like it had all just happened Im sorry baby, Jake whispered as he leaned over and kissed the tip of my nose and ran his hand softly over the top of my head and through my hair. I was worried about you, I continued. I knew that him being there must have been hard for you and I was concerned that you would be angry at me for not just yelling at him to get out. Did you want to yell at him? Jake asked with a chuckle. A part of me did. A part of me wanted to scream at him and run over and start kicking him in the shins. That would be the same part that slapped him yesterday? Jake asked, still laughing. I laughed as well and curled onto my side so we were lying facing each

other. Yes, it was the same part, I said with a nod of my head. I love that part of you, Jake said with a wink of his eye and we both started laughing again. And the curiosity? he asked. The curiosity well that was because I never really spoke to him about what happened, I sighed. And I suppose there is a part of me that is curious to hear what he has to say to me. You mean, you havent spoken about it since it happened or you havent talk about the cheating at all? Jake asked. At all, I told him and Jakes eyes went wide in surprise. You never asked him why he cheated on you? he asked. No. I didnt see any need. There was nothing he could have said that would change what he did. He had already apologized. I didnt want to hear his explanations or excuses and I didnt want to be near him, so I just left. Jake was silent for a moment and I watched as he ran his fingers through the sand softly, creating beautiful patterns in the white grains. After a long silence, Jake looked me directly in the eye. Bella, are you over Edward? he asked softly, fear lacing his words. I am, I said firmly. But I would be lying if I said I wasnt curious about/over/as to what he has to say. We lay in silence for a moment, staring into each others eyes. My heart was racing in my chest and it was becoming hard to breath. For the first time in our relationship, I had just lied to Jakes face. When I had told him so firmly that I was over Edward, I hadnt meant it. If he had have asked me that a week ago I would have given the same answer and it would have been the truth, but being back here and seeing him was bringing back emotions that I thought I had left behind and I wasnt sure how I felt anymore. One thing I was sure of was that I was in love with Jake.

My feelings for my fianc had not changed during this time and I was very relieved about that. It confirmed to me that Jake wasnt second best, that my love for him was real and that in some way I had been able to let go of Edward and move on because I had allowed someone else into my heart. The only problem I was facing now was whether or not Edward had ever left it. What if what he has to say is that he loves you and he wants you back? Jake asked, posing the worst case scenario. Are you worried about that? I asked. Very much, he said, a sad look crossing his face. I curled my leg over his and scooted as close to his body as I could. Making direct eye contact with his large brown eyes, I rested my face next to his so our noses were touching. I love you. I probably dont tell you enough, but I do love you, I whispered. The corners of Jakes mouth turned up into a smile and he nodded his head. I do know that, but thank you for saying it, he whispered back before softly pressing his lips to mine. I allowed myself to melt into him but couldnt shake the image in my mind of Edwards lips forming those words, over and over. I pulled away from Jake and sat up, hugging my knees to my chest. Are you ready to head home? I asked, hoping he would agree so we wouldnt have to talk about this anymore. Sure, he said as he sat up and then stood, holding his hand down to help me up. I grasped it and he pulled me effortlessly onto my feet and draped his arm over my shoulders as we walked back. When we made it to the expanse of driftwood, I bent down and picked up our shoes, brushing the white sand off them and carrying them back to the car. We drove home in silence; I was lost in my thoughts and Jake always knew that when I needed to think, he wouldnt get much conversation from me. He had learned that it was easier to let me think. We pulled

up in the driveway and got out of the car. As we walked up the steps to the house, Jake slipped his hand into mine and stroked his thumb over the back of my hand. One of the things I loved so much about Jake was how he always knew how to reassure me without words. He could sense when I was upset or stressed and knew the exact right way to comfort me, whether it be with a smile or a gentle touch. We quickly and quietly walked up the stairs; the house was dark and we didnt want to wake Charlie. Im going to have a quick shower, Jake said as he kissed my forehead and disappeared into the bathroom. I went into the bedroom and got changed into my pyjamas and climbed into bed. The look of sadness on Esmes face when we had left her house tonight was crushing my chest. I would have to call her in the morning and let her know that I didnt blame her for the events of the evening. Maybe we could get together for a coffee later in the week. I was grateful at how accepting Carlisle and Esme had been of Jake; it must have been hard for them to see me with someone other than Edward, and while it had been uncomfortable at the beginning, they had never been rude to Jake, unlike Edward. I couldnt believe how he had behaved. I had never seen him yell at anyone before and it unnerved me. Why did he even care if I was with Jake? He had decided long ago that he didnt want me anymore. But the reality was that I did know why he was upset; he had let me know when he mouthed those words to me as we left. I never would have guessed that his silent words would have affected me so much. In my mind I saw his lips again and watched as he mouthed, I still love you. I sighed and rolled onto my side, cuddling the spare pillow to my chest. The bedroom door opened and Jake walked in wearing a towel wrapped around his waist. Hey, he said with a smile. Hey yourself, I said, trying to act normal while I had a million thoughts running through my head.

He had a wicked glint in his eyes and I knew immediately what he was thinking. He stalked towards the bed like he was hunting me and he dropped the towel before climbing onto the bed on his hands and knees and crawling up to me. I didnt know what to do. I really wasnt in the mood to make love to him tonight, but we hadnt had sex since before we left Portland and after all the support that Jake had given me over the past few days, I didnt want to reject him. Thinking quickly, I put my hand up onto his chest as he leaned over me and held him at arms length. Jake I said softly. MmmHmm? he asked. Not being deterred by my stopping his kiss, he reached down and was undoing the buttons of my pyjama shirt. Can we not? I asked, an apologetic tone in my voice. He looked at me confused before laying down next to me with a disappointed look on his face. My heart broke a little for him and I almost reconsidered when another thought popped into my head. Why? he asked, running his fingers through my hair that was splayed out on the pillow. Its not that I dont want to, you know that I do, its just that well, my Dad is in the next room, I admitted, allowing my new thought to be the reason. Jake chuckled and he pulled me into his arms so that my face was lying against his chest. Youre twenty-eight years old Bells, I think Charlie knows that youve had sex, he laughed. I know that, its just well what if he heard us? I asked, a mortified look on my face. Jake kissed the top of my head and climbed under the blanket with me, resuming his position snuggled against me once he was settled. Ok, but when we get our own place were going to do it every night for a month, he joked. Deal, I agreed as I tilted my head back and pressed my lips to his.

I love you, I whispered to him. Love you more, he replied. Jake often replied in that manner and it made me wonder if it were true. Did he love me more than I loved him? I wasnt sure. Goodnight baby, he breathed as he kissed the top of my head and reached over to switch off the bedside lamp. Goodnight, I whispered and snuggled into his chest. ***** I was walking along First Beach; the wind was warm, which was unusual for the Pacific Northwest, but it was so nice that I didnt want to question it. The sun was shining in a bright purple sky and the white sand was fluffy beneath my bare feet, like I was walking on clouds. I love you, a voice whispered beside me and I looked over to see Jake walking next to me. I smiled at him and looked down at my hand. His fingers were intertwined with mine but I hadnt remembered him taking my hand. Isnt it beautiful? I asked him as I spun around to take in the view. Jake nodded his head and watched me twirling in the sand. Look how beautiful the water looks, I said as I ran to shore. The water was lapping at the white sand and the suns rays bounced off the surface, shooting tiny rainbows through the air. Dont go near the water, Jake called, his voice sounding alarmed. But its so pretty, Ill just walk in the shallows, I assured him as I took a step forward and allowed the water to lap at my feet. The water is warm! I exclaimed. Bella, please come back up here with me where it is safe! Jake begged, tears streaming down his face. I turned to look at him, confused at his reaction, but it appeared to be very important to him that I stay out of the water so I lifted my foot to walk back onto the dry sand.

Suddenly, the sky went dark and the water turned ice-cold. It swelled around my feet and I wasnt able to step up onto the sand. Help me, I called to Jake but he was looking at me sadly and shaking his head. I warned you, he whispered. The water was rising quickly around me and I began to shake from both fear and the cold chills that were running through my body from the icy water that was now up to my waist. Jake please, I need you! I called out to him as I held my arms out, begging him to save me. I love you, he called sadly and dropped a single red rose onto the sand. JAKE! I screamed as the water moved up to my shoulders and my feet were no longer touching the ground. I was being thrown around by the strong currents and had no control of my limbs. I could feel my legs thrashing wildly beneath me in the water but I couldnt swim to shore. Jake was just a small dot on the horizon now. I was sucked under the water and I held my breath to stop the freezing, salty water flooding my lungs. My head broke the surface and I looked frantically for Jake but he was gone. The current pulled me under again and I could feel myself sinking, no matter how hard I tried to kick back to the surface. My lungs were burning and in desperate need of oxygen. I held my breath for as long as I could but the burning was too much and despite my efforts to keep my mouth closed, my lips parted and I sucked icy water into my lungs. I awoke suddenly and gasped for breath, relaxing when I realized that my lungs werent filling with icy cold water and that I was safely tucked into bed, Jake still sleeping soundly next to me. I shifted my body slightly to get into a more comfortable position and lay on my back, looking up at the ceiling, my dream fresh in my mind. What had it meant? First Beach had always been my safe place, my sanctuary; I couldnt see any reason why it would be a danger for me. And why had Jake not tried to save me? I turned my head and looked

at his sleeping form next to me. He looked so peaceful. I moved my hand up and traced his stubbly jaw line with my fingers, allowing them to run softly over his lips and then down his throat and over his adams apple. He let out a soft sigh and his arm came around me, pulling me flush against his body, our legs intertwining. I closed my eyes as I lay against his chest and allowed myself to fall back to sleep. CLICK CLICK CLICK I opened my eyes and looked around the room confused. What was that noise? I could hear Jakes deep breathing next to me and relaxed knowing that he was still asleep. I snuggled into his side thinking that the noise must have just been an insect outside or the creaking of the loose floorboard on the staircase and let out a long contented breath. CLICK CLICK Ok, that was a definite noise! I rolled out of Jakes arms and sat up as quietly as I could, trying not to wake him. While I looked over my shoulder to make sure he wasnt waking up, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Jake rolled over and clutched my pillow to his chest, burying his face in the softness. CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK I noticed that the noise was coming from the window and I walked over slowly to see if there was a branch tapping the glass. Just as I reached the glass another CLICK happened and I saw a small object hit the glass and then fall to the ground. Pulling the window open curiously, I looked down at the ground and saw a single red rose on the lawn, directly below my window. ***** ~ 17th April 2000 ~ CLICK CLICK I threw the blankets off and grabbed my robe. Tying it on as I rushed over to the window, I pulled it open and stuck my head out into the

cool night air. Directly below my window, lying on the lawn, was a single red rose. I smiled; I couldnt help it. Edward? I whispered out into the night so as not to wake my parents who were asleep in the next room. He stepped out from behind the tree with a large smile on his face and a bunch of roses and he held them up into the air as if presenting them to me. Ill come down, I whispered, unable to control the joyous grin that was on my face. I couldnt believe that I felt so happy about Edward sneaking over. We had met a few weeks ago in a coffee shop in Port Angeles and had to share a table because it was so busy. We did the polite chit-chat and discovered that we both lived in Forks. His family had moved a few months ago and even though he was twenty-one and could have stayed in Chicago alone, he decided to move with his family. We agreed to meet up again in Forks for a coffee the following week and had gotten along really well. Talking with Edward was easy and I found myself talking to him about things that I had never shared with anyone. It was like he was a part of me we were one, the same entity. I had found myself falling for him very quickly and was almost in a state of constant happiness since we had started meeting up daily. I was almost a year out of high school and hadnt really found any direction in my life. My mother was pressuring me to start college and my father had been trying to convince me to go to police academy. College had sounded like a good idea, until I found Edward and now the thought of leaving Forks for four years was unbearable. I had been trying to build up my courage to tell him that I loved him but had been too chicken-shit to do it yet. I had almost done it last week when we were laying in his bedroom watching a DVD. He was watching the screen and I was watching him. I kept repeating the words over and over in my head but every time I opened my mouth to let the words out, I choked. I opened my bedroom door as quietly as I could and hoped that it wouldnt squeak. It made a slight creaking sound when I had it about half open, so I held it steady and squeezed myself through the small gap without opening the door further. Tiptoeing down the stairs, I

brushed my fingers roughly through my long brown hair and tried to make it look neat before opening the front door and slipping outside. Edward was standing on the steps looking at me with a big grin to match the one on my face. What are you doing here? I asked. I had to tell you something, he said as he took a few steps towards me and handed me the roses. Their sweet scent floated up around me and I breathed it in deeply. What is it? I asked, taking a step closer to him so that we were only a few inches apart. I could feel the heat radiating off his body and I had to resist the urge to sniff him. Smiling at me, Edward looked down into my eyes and cupped my face in his hands. A shiver ran down my spine and I stared up at him, completely mesmerized. I ummm, I think I love you, well, I know I do. He took a deep breath. I love you, Bella, he finished with a goofy smile. I stared up into his beautiful face, stunned. In all the time that I had been trying to find the words to tell him how I felt I never thought that he had been having the same struggle. I love you, Edward, I whispered. His hands fell from my face and wrapped around my waist, pulling me to him. Our faces were only a few inches apart and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. We gazed into each others eyes as his lips moved achingly slowly towards mine. Can I kiss you? he breathed just as he turned his face slightly so our noses wouldnt bump and his lips stopped only an inch from mine. I nodded eagerly and felt my eyes flutter closed just as his soft lips pressed against mine. My whole body melted into his and I felt my legs turn to jelly. If his arms hadnt been holding me so tightly, I knew that I would have fallen over. Our mouths moved together hungrily and when my lips partly slightly, I felt his warm tongue moving across my bottom lip. As it slipped inside my mouth, he let out a low moan and I wrapped my arms around his neck, weaving my hands into his hair and pulling his face as close to mine as possible.

I had kissed boys before but I had never experienced anything like this kiss. It was as if we were communicating our feelings for each other, expressing ourselves more clearly than we could with words. When we finally broke apart he peppered tiny kisses on my lips, my cheeks, my eyelids before pulling away completely. Will you be my girlfriend? he asked very intensely. ***** I broke myself out of the memory and stared down at the rose; it could only mean one thing Edward was outside. Edward? I whispered out the window as quietly as I could so as not to wake Jake, but I knew that Edward would hear me. He stepped out from behind the tree and gave me a small wave with a nervous look. He had his shoulders hunched and he looked like he wasnt really making eye contact. I didnt know what to do. I could go down there and talk to him, which I didnt really want to do, or I could close the window, go back to bed and risk that he would knock on the door and wake everybody up. With a sigh I decided that I should go and talk to him to tell him to leave and not to come back. I grabbed some shoes and a coat and tiptoed to the bedroom door. I pulled it open as quietly as I could and when it started to creak, I squished myself through the half open door just as I had done the last time Edward had left a rose under my window. I tiptoed down the stairs and stood in the hallway preparing myself. Pulling my shoes on and putting my arms in the sleeves of the coat, I opened the door and walked outside. Edward was standing on the steps, just as he had been nine years ago when he had first told me he loved me. Folding my arms over my chest like a protective barrier, I let out a sigh. What are you doing here? I whispered. I needed to tell you something, he whispered back. Will you come for a walk with me? I thought about it for a moment and nodded my head. If we started

arguing and I yelled at him, it would surely wake up Jake and Charlie and I didnt want to do that. A short walk around the block, I said harshly as I walked past him on the lawn and down the driveway. I didnt wait for him to catch up but he soon fell into stride next to me. What do you want to say? I asked, my arms still folded over my chest. I wanted to say how sorry I was for ruining your dinner tonight. I honestly didnt know that you would be there and I also didnt mean to be so rude to your boyfriend, he said, sounding genuinely regretful. Fianc, I corrected. Excuse me? he asked. You called Jake my boyfriend, hes my fianc, I explained. Edward nodded his head slowly. Right, sorry. I just didnt want you to think that I had gone there on purpose, and when I saw him sitting there next to you in my parents home like he was part of the family, I just lost my head a little. I truly am sorry. I nodded my head back to him as we turned the corner and walked down towards the small park at the end of the street. I still felt so much anger towards him for the way our relationship had ended but I also now felt sympathy. I could remember exactly how it felt to see Edward and Tanya together so I knew how hard it must be for him to see me with Jake. Im sorry I slapped you yesterday, I said with a bit of a giggle. Edward rubbed his cheek, remembering the stinging that I had caused and he smiled at me. I deserved that and a lot more, he said honestly. We walked into the park in silence and I sat down on one of the swings, slowly moving backwards and forwards with my feet still on the ground. Are you happy, Bella? Edward asked. He was standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

I really am, I told him honestly. I wasnt for a long, long time. But I am finally doing ok. Only ok? he asked, taking a step towards me and placing his hands on the chains either side of my head. I pushed the swing back and ducked out from under him. I was not at all comfortable being that close to him. Im great, I said, plastering a smile on my face that I didnt really feel. Edward looked down at his shoes and I could see that he was smiling. Im really happy for you, he whispered. An uncomfortable feeling washed over me and I looked around for something to do so I wouldnt be standing here staring at him. I moved over to the monkey-bars and climbed the small ladder, grabbed the bars and started to swing across. Once I had made it all the way to the other end, I dropped down into the sand and saw Edward watching me with a smile. Ive missed you, he said simply. I looked at him. I didnt look for the man he had been when I fell in love with him or the man that had shattered me. I looked at him as the man he was today, standing in front of me. I couldnt help but feel that I had missed him as well. I missed the easiness of my life when I was with him; I missed how carefree and happy everything had seemed and I missed looking at him, just staring at his beautiful face. In that moment I didnt want to say something that would hurt him. I didnt want to think about the past. Right now we were Edward and Bella. The past didnt matter. I missed you too, I said softly, meeting his gaze. His eyes burned into mine and for the first time since I had seen him, the sadness was gone and he looked like he had hope. That hope in his eyes terrified me and I was finding it hard to breathe. I better get home, I said as I started walking out of the park. Edward jogged after me and fell into stride at my side. Let me walk you back, he said softly, standing a little closer to me

than I found comfortable. No, Im fine. Thank you for your apology, it is accepted. Goodbye, Edward, I said before jogging down the street and around the corner. I didnt stop until I was safely inside the house and I slumped against the door, sliding all the way down to the floor. My fingers ran through my hair and gripped it tightly in frustration. What had I been thinking? Did I really tell Edward that I had missed him? Talked to him like we were friends, as if nothing had happened? I tugged on my hair and banged my head back against the door. I had been back in Forks for three days and already Edward had completely intertwined himself in my life. I knew it hadnt been a good idea to come back here. I made the decision that, in the morning, I would talk to Jake about living in Port Angeles; we would still be close to my Dad, it would be way more convenient for Jakes work, and I wouldnt have Edward in my face every day. With the decision made, I was feeling much calmer and I stood up slowly and went back upstairs. I crept silently into my room and discarded the shoes and coat I had taken outside. I gently climbed back into bed and Jake rolled towards me and spooned me from behind.

Chapter Six This Changes Nothing But Everything Has Changed! 8th October 2009 ~ Bella ~ I didnt hear you kids come in last night, how was your dinner? Dad asked before he put a forkful of eggs into his mouth. Jake coughed and spat toast crumbs all over the table. It was fine, I replied, non-committaly. Carlisle and Esme are very nice people, Jake said stiffly before

brushing crumbs off the table by his plate. Im glad. To be honest with you, I was worried it might be an awkward night, Charlie chuckled before finishing his eggs, standing up, and rinsing his plate in the sink. See ya tonight kiddo, he added as he walked past and ruffled my hair. See ya, Dad, I called as he disappeared out the front door. Jake and I finished our food without speaking. I wasnt sure how to broach the subject of living in Port Angeles with him; should I tell him that Edward was my excuse? Babe, can I talk to you for a sec? I asked as Jake stood up. Sure, he replied as he sat back down and reached his arm across the table, stroking my hand. Whats on your mind? I was thinking, it doesnt seem right for you to have to drive an hour to work every day. Why dont we just live in Port Angeles? We are still close enough to Forks that we can visit my Dad whenever we like, but it will be more convenient, I reasoned. Ive already told you that I dont mind the drive. Forks has always been your home and I want you to be happy, he said, stroking my hand. I will be happy in Port Angeles. Forks used to be my home, but I left and moved on with my life. I dont think I belong here anymore, I said honestly. I was going to try as hard as I could to explain this without dragging Edward into it. I didnt see any point in making Jake feel insecure. I dont know, we already put the application in on that house, Jake mused. I know, but we can withdraw it and look for a place in Port Angeles. Please just think about it? I asked coyly, rasing the tone of my voice slightly and looking up at him through my eyelashes. I knew that it was a low thing to do, but I was hoping that his sexual frustration would play in my favour here. I guess it wouldnt hurt to look, he said with a shrug. The sooner we get our own place the better, he added to himself.

Great! I know this will be much better for us, I told him cheerfully. I was so relieved that we would be getting out of Forks. That small hour-drive-buffer was all I would need to stop thinking about Edward, I was sure of it. ***** 13th October 2009 My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as the car swerved over the road. What was happening? I tried to hold the car steady but it wasnt obeying my manoeuvres. Quickly, I pulled over onto the side of the road and turned the engine off. Rain was pouring down and I saw water spray up on either side of the car as I pulled up. I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car into the pouring rain. I was drenched within seconds as I walked all the way around it to see what was wrong. When I checked the back wheel, I saw that it was flat. Shit! I swore under my breath. I opened the trunk and stared at the spare wheel and the tire iron. How the hell was I supposed to change the tyre? I had never done it before, well, except in auto-shop at school, but that had been ten years ago and I didnt remember how to do it now. I ran and jumped back into the car to get out of the rain and pulled my cell phone out of my bag, dialling my dads work number. Forks Police Department, how my I direct your call? the nasal, female voice asked. Chief Swan, please, I stated. Chief Swan isnt in at the moment, can I take a message or would you like to speak with a deputy? the lady asked. No, thats fine, thank you. Can you please ask him to call Bella when he gets back? Its important, I said before hanging up the phone. I didnt really want to call Jake; it was only his second day at work in his new job and I didnt think it would look very good if he left while he was on duty.

So much for driving up to Port Angeles to surprise him with a romantic lunch. I heard a car whip past and my car shook with the force of the wind blowing off the passing vehicle. I sighed; I had no idea what I was going to do. My dad might not call back for hours. Another car came up the highway, slowed down, and pulled over onto the shoulder of the road. The car door opened and a man climbed out, holding his jacket over his head. He ran up to my window and knocked, so I rolled it down. Do you need a hand? he called out. It was hard to make out his voice because it was muffled from the rain and from having a coat over his face. Thanks, that would be great. Do you know how to change a tyre? I called loudly. Sure thing, he replied and he went to examine my tyres. I got out of my car and ran through the puddles to stand by him while he examined the damage. A shock ran through my body as a familiar scent hit my nostrils and I jumped back in shock. Edward? I shrieked. He spun around and looked at me confused. Bella? he asked with a smile. The thunder cracked overhead and lightning flashed across the sky, illuminating his face and for the first time I could make out his features clearly. He looked just as shocked as I felt. What are you doing out here? I asked. I was driving to Port Angeles for a work conference. What about you? he asked calmly. I was driving to meet Jake at work for lunch, I said, finishing quietly. Sadness crossed his features but his smile never disappeared. Thats nice. You dont have to help, I said backing away from him. My dad will

probably call me back and be here soon. Well, I dont think I can change the tyre with this much water on the road anyway so why dont I take you home so you can dry off, and then your Dad can change the tyre for you later on tonight? he asked reasonably. I looked at the car and at the water on the road, weighing my options. I didnt really have much choice other than to accept Edwards offer, but I didnt want help from him. I decided that I would rather sit there in the rain for hours than take a ride with him. I glared at Edward and went back around to my door, climbed inside the car and slammed the door so that I was sitting in my dry car. Edward knocked on the window and yelled something that I couldnt hear through the glass. Giving up, I opened the door. What? I yelled. Stop being stubborn! Im just trying to help you! he shouted. I dont want your help, Edward, I spat out and tried to pull the door closed again, but he held it tightly in his hand. Fine! You can give me gas money if that makes you feel better, he yelled back as he threw his hands up in the air in frustration. I thought about his proposal. If I gave him money for gas then it wasnt really a favor, I would be paying him for a service. With a shrug of my shoulder, I grabbed my handbag from the passenger seat and got out of the car, back into the pouring rain, and made sure my car was securely locked before running over to Edwards car and climbing inside. The warm air from the heater sent shivers down my spine as I settled into the seat and pulled my seat-belt across my chest. Edward climbed into the car as well and pulled back out onto the street, headed back towards Forks. What about your conference? I asked. Ill tell them I couldnt get through because of flooding on the road, he said with a shrug of his shoulders. That sounded like a favor to me and I scowled at him. Gas money,

right! I pulled out my purse and grabbed a twenty dollar bill, slamming it down on the dash board. Thats too much! It wouldnt even be five dollars worth of fuel to get you back to Charlies house, he scoffed. The other fifteen is for your inconvenience, I grumbled, hoping that somehow it would make things even. Whatever makes you happy, Bella, Edward chuckled. I held my hands up in front of the heater, allowing my gloves to dry and my fingers to defrost. I had forgotten how wet and cold it was in Forks. Can I ask you a question? Edward asked. No, I shot back a little too quickly. Well, Ive got you trapped in my car, he laughed. So, Ill ask it anyway and you can decide not to answer if you choose. I shrugged my shoulders at him but kept my eyes on the heater. Why did you leave? he asked softly. I turned my head and stared at him incuriously. Had he really just asked me why I had left town? Are you serious? I asked, my voice a little louder than I had intended. Completely, I have never understood why you would leave without even talking to me. Didnt you want to hear anything I had to say? Or even say goodbye? His voice was full of sorrow and I felt the same sympathy for him that I had the other night in the park. I thought over his question. Why hadnt I wanted to speak with him? I knew the answer; it was because I was hurting and he had broken me. The anger I was feeling a few minutes ago resurfaced and I curled my hands into fists. I left because I had just seen you sucking face with your mistress and I was angry at you! I accused. An unidentifiable emotion flashed over Edwards face before he turned

off the highway into Forks. I wasnt sucking face with her. It was a small peck, he said so softly that I could barely hear him. I opened my mouth to yell at him but thought the better of it and crossed my arms firmly over my chest to stop me from reaching over and slapping him again. I dont want to talk about this right now! I spat before turning my body so I had my back to him and I could stare out the window. This was always our problem, he mumbled softly. I spun around to face him again, furious. And what is that supposed to mean? I demanded. This, he said, as he waved his hand between us, is exactly why we didnt work out! We never communicated. Really? I always thought that we didnt work out because you liked putting your dick inside my friend, I spat at him and turned away again. Edward was silent and I smiled victoriously. When he didnt say anything for several minutes, I got curious and turned slowly to look at him over my shoulder. He was driving with his hands holding the steering wheel tightly and his jaw was clenched. I turned my body back to the front and wondered if I had gone too far. You dont know what you are talking about, he said softly as we turned into the street my dad lived on. Is that so? So, you werent fucking Tanya while we were married? I shot back as he pulled up in the driveway and turned the car off. He turned in his seat to face me, front on, and looked me straight in the eye and sighed. If you hadve allowed me to explain this all to you five years ago things might have been very different, he said, not breaking eye contact with me.

I couldnt understand what he meant. How would talking about the details have made me accept his affair? I began to wonder if Edward had mental problems. He must have noticed my blank stare because he continued without waiting for me to say anything. I know it wont change anything now. I can see you have moved on and I am honestly happy for you, but dont you want to know what really happened with us, Bella? Dont you have any curiosity or sentimentality at all? Have you been able to forget what we had so easily? he asked sadly. I sat in silence and processed his words. I couldnt make sense of them. What do you mean when you say what really happened? I asked cautiously. Edward sighed and turned in his seat so he was facing the front again and he braced himself on the steering wheel. This isnt the place to talk about it. Will you meet me later tonight and we can talk? he asked. I cant, Jake will be home and I dont think he would appreciate me going out to meet you, I told him honestly. Edward gave me a half smile. Is the big policeman afraid of me? he joked. I laughed. Hardly! Hes insecure, which I think is understandable. I have a long history with you that hes not a part of, I explained. And yet, you are with him, Edward breathed softly. My skin crawled and a shiver went down my spine when I heard those words, like Edward was insinuating that I shouldnt be with Jake. I felt the anger from earlier start to rise again. Jake has nothing to do with us, Edward. If you want to talk about the past then thats one thing, but you cant talk about my present life! I warned him. I do, I want to talk about the past, he agreed with a nod of his head.

And I am more than happy to leave Jake out of any future conversations. Trust me; hes not my favourite topic of conversation. Good. We sat in silence for a moment as I stared at my fathers house through the window. So, will you come and listen to what I have to say? he asked again. I told you I cant. But, I will admit that Im curious about what you want to tell me that could make me think differently about all this. Ill let you know when I can meet up, I told him. Anytime. Heres my cell number, he said as he handed me a business card that he pulled out of his wallet that was sitting on the dash. Call me anytime. I looked at the card and flicked the corner of the cardboard with my fingernail. Edward Cullen Dentist Cullen Medical Practice Below his name and title there was a phone number and an email address. I stared at the card for a long time. The first emotion that I felt was pride. He had done it, finished medical school and gone into practice with his father, just like he had always said he would. There was something nagging in the back of my mind as I stared at the card and I felt my jaw clench as it dawned on me what I was missing. Cullen Medical Practice he worked with his father, who worked with Tanya. My chest clenched and I crumpled the card in my hand. I started gasping for breath as my vision blurred and it wasnt until I saw the droplets falling onto the business card that I realized I was crying. What? Edward asked shocked. Nothing, I sobbed as I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. Bella, please, lack of communication has always been an issue for us. Please, for this one time, just tell me whats upsetting you, he begged, reaching out to touch my arm.

I jerked away from him and took a deep breath, then another to help calm me down. You work with your father, I said simply. Edward gave me a confused look; I assumed he couldnt fathom how working with Carlisle would bring me to tears. Well, not exactly. We work in the same building but my office is three floors above his, Edward explained but I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was still confused. Your mother told me that Tanya works for your Dad, I said, looking him straight in the eyes to gauge his reaction. His eyes hardened instantly at the mention of Tanyas name and I couldnt work out why that would be. Maybe they had broken up, maybe she had broken his heart, maybe he still loved her. I felt the sobbing start again and the car shook slightly with the shaking of my body. Im sorry about that. I didnt want her to work there but I dont have any say on who my father hires. I want you to know that I dont ever speak to her, or even acknowledge her in the elevator, he said, turning back to me and giving me an intense stare. My crying stopped and I processed what he had said. He didnt speak to her? I found myself compelled to ask him what had happened between them but I knew that the answer to that question would probably hurt me more than what I was ready to deal with. I would have to prepare myself. My cell phone started ringing and Edward and I both jumped in our seats and then laughed nervously. I picked up the phone and stared at it, as if looking at the phone would answer it, before I pressed the call button and put the device to my ear. Hello? I asked, trying to hide the sobs from my voice. Bells, is everything ok? I was told I had to call you urgently, Dad said through the phone, a hint of panic in his voice. Yes, Im fine Dad, really. My car got a flat tyre and I was hoping that you could pick me up and change it, I told him, giving Edward a weak

smile to show that I was sorry for the interruption. Sure, where are you? Ill come right away, Dad replied, sounding relieved. Im at home actually. E a man picked me up and dropped me here so I wouldnt have to wait in the rain, I said, stopping myself from telling Dad who had picked me up. I dont like that, Bella. Getting into a car with strangers can be dangerous, he scolded. I rolled my eyes and gave my dad a grunt of acknowledgement. I knew that he was only looking out for me but I wasnt in the mood right now to be lectured, especially with Edward sitting a few feet away listening in. Ill be right home and well go get your car, he said before hanging up the phone. I pulled the phone from my ear and turned to Edward. My dads on his way, I said simply as I undid my seatbelt. We still have a lot to talk about, Edward said, an urgency in his voice as if he suspected that he wouldnt get a chance to talk to me again. Ill call you when I am ready to talk, I said as I held up the crumpled card to show I had his number. Thank you, he whispered. It really means a lot to you that we talk about this, doesnt it? I asked curiously. It does, he replied with a nod of his head. It wont change anything, I told him. I know it wont. But it might also change everything, he replied cryptically. Goodbye. Goodbye, Edward, thank you for the ride, I said and I was surprised that there was not even the slightest hint of anger or resentment in my voice as I said his name.

Anything for you, Bella, he replied with a smile. That same smile used to melt me into a large pile of goo. Now, it pulled on my heart strings and made me feel sad. I opened the car door and stepped out, closing the door behind me and watched as he reversed out of the drive and drove off down the street. Not one minute after Edward had left, my dads police cruiser turned the corner and drove towards me. ***** Hello? I said cheerily into the phone. Hey baby, how has your day been? Jake asked. He sounded tired. Not bad, I had a flat tyre but Dad helped me change it, I said honestly, but leaving out the part where I had seen Edward. I have some bad news. There has been some trouble in Port Angeles tonight and they need all the cops on duty, so Im going to have to work a double shift. I wont be home til well after midnight, maybe not even til morning, he sighed. Oh, Im sorry. Do you want me to drive you up something to eat? I asked, feeling concerned about him working so hard. Nah, Ill just grab something here. Taco Bell maybe. You have a good night and Ill try not to wake you when I get into bed later, he promised. Ok, dont work too hard, I said as I leaned against the kitchen wall. I love you, I told him. Love you more, he whispered before he hung up. The smile on my face that had appeared at the sound of his voice slowly slipped away as I remembered a similar situation with Edward. 2nd November 2004 I heard footsteps coming down the hall and I rolled over in the bed to watch the door open. A crack of light appeared in the doorway and Edward slipped into the room. I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes.

Oh damn, I didnt want to wake you, he whispered as he sat down on the bed and stroked my hair and down the side of my face. What time is it? I asked. Almost three in the morning, you should go back to sleep, he whispered. Are you just getting home? I asked, shocked. Doesnt the library close at eleven? Edward often stayed at the library late to study for his medical exams and tonight I had gone to bed assuming that he was studying. Yeah, he chuckled nervously as he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. I fell asleep at the desk and only woke up when the janitor started vacuuming. You poor thing, you study so much, I said. Did you have dinner? I asked. Ahh, no, he replied as he stood up and started undressing. I threw the blankets off and stood up. What are you doing? Edward asked as I made my way to the bedroom door and opened it. Im going to make you something to eat. You work so hard and I dont want you getting sick from starvation, I told him and I walked out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen. No, go back to bed sweetheart, you must be tired, he said as he followed me down the hall in just his boxer-briefs. I dont mind really, I want you taken care of, I told him with a smile. Edward sighed and looked down at me with love in his eyes. I realized that I hadnt seen that expression on his face for a while. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine softly. I love you, he told me. ***** I sat down at the kitchen table as the memory washed over me. At the

time it had seemed like such an innocent night, but in retrospect I knew that he had been out with Tanya that night. The same emotions of anguish and despair that had over taken my body when I first found out about the affair washed over me again and I allowed the tears to fall freely down my face. There was no chance that Edward could make things better by talking, no way. But what had he meant when he had said that talking wouldnt change anything, but that it would also change everything? Curiosity replaced the sadness and I pulled his card out of my pocket and stared that the number. Im going out, Dad, I called loudly as I grabbed my coat and went out to the car. I sat with my hands on the steering wheel and stared at my knuckles as they turned white. I was so conflicted and I didnt know what to do. If Jake was home, then I could forget all about this because he had a way of calming me, but with him being at work, not going to be home at all tonight, I was panicked at what my thought process would be. Was I going to dwell on this all night and sit in a depression? Was I going to go on a man hunt and track down Edward and Tanya and make them pay for hurting me? Both options sounded really tempting. With a sigh, I leaned my head back on the car seat and forced myself to take a few deep breaths. The only way for me to get closure on this was to know the whole story and there was only person who could help me with that Edward. I pulled my cell phone out of my bag and dialled the number on his card. The phone rang several times. Hello? he answered. Im ready to talk, I blurted out. Can you meet me now? Yes, he replied, sounding a little excited which I couldnt understand. I was dreading this conversation and he was happy about it? Where? I asked. I didnt mean to be rude but my hands were shaking and my voice was quivering and I just wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible and get this night over with.

You know where, Edward said softly. I did know. Edward wanted to meet at our spot. I supposed that it was only right; we had gone there to express our love several times so it seemed fitting that we would go there to discuss the end of it. Ten minutes, I said quickly before hanging up the phone. I started the car and reversed out of the driveway and onto the highway that left town. As I drove past the exit to La Push, I was tempted to turn off and go and sit on my beach and think but I knew that that wouldnt help me to get the answers that I needed from Edward. Just past the La Push road was a small dirt street and I turned down there, switching on my headlights to make it easier to see my way. I pulled up in a small clearing and saw that there was already a silver car parked; Edwards car. I got out, closed the door softly and walked into the forest. As a child I had loved playing in these trees, running over the logs and jumping from rock to rock. The forest had always been a happy place for me. But tonight it seemed eerie, frightening even. I looked up at the gnarled braches and jumped whenever a bird screeched. I made my way through the trees slowly, being careful not to trip, and I breathed a sigh of relief when the trees started to clear and my destination became visible. I stepped out into the clearing and Edward smiled when he saw me. He was standing next to a large fallen tree that was covered in moss. It was our tree. We had come here many times to sit and talk when we were dating, we had made love right on the very spot where Edward was standing right now. He had also brought me here the day before our wedding to remind me that we were still who we had always been, that being married wasnt going to change our love or our commitment to each other. He was wrong. I walked over to him and sat on the log; he sat beside me. Thank you for coming, he said softly with a small crooked smile. I crossed my arms firmly over my chest; I felt that if I didnt hold

myself together I was going to fall apart. Where do we start? I asked softly. Edward stood up and walked away from the log, sitting instead on the mossy ground right in front of me so we were looking right at each other, with him looking up at me. Would you like me to just explain what was happening for me or do you have specific questions? he asked. I noticed that he was keeping his tone of voice very natural, calm and soft to help placate me. Why dont you start and Ill stop you if I have questions, I suggested as I started shuffling my feet nervously. Edward nodded his head and took a deep breath before looking up at me, his green eyes sparkling into mine. When did you first notice that there was a problem with our relationship? he asked me. I thought about that. I wanted to say that it was when I read Tanyas text message, but if I was being honest with myself, I knew that it had been long before that. I hadnt made love to Edward for several months and I had withdrawn from our social life about six months before I knew anything about the affair. I suppose about six months before I found out about Tanya, I said honestly. Edward nodded his head. He had a far away look in his eyes, like he was lost in the memories he was about to describe to me. After your mother passed away you disappeared. I know you were grieving and I tried to be there for you, but you just didnt seem to want me around. He paused to breathe and I reached out my hand and gently stroked the side of his face. I wasnt sure what had made me touch him, but it felt right. Edwards eyes shined at me and he leaned his cheek into my palm. Im sorry I acted like that. I was so lost, I whispered. I knew he was telling the truth. I had checked out emotionally, but

that still didnt justify cheating. I wanted so much to be there for you, he continued. And I tried to be there for a long time, but you kept pushing me away. Over and over you would reject me, ignore my requests to help you and push me away, both physically and emotionally. We barely even talked. I dropped my hand from his face and wrapped my arms around my body again for protection. I loved you so much, Bella, do you know how hard it was for me to see that you were in so much pain and not be able to help you? Not be able to make you feel happiness or even to smile? I felt rejected, unwanted and unloved. I saw your feelings for me changing everyday. You grew more and more distant and no matter what I tried to do to connect with you, you would resist. I nodded my head and I felt warm tears dripping down my face. Everything he was saying was true. I remembered him holding me as I cried, rocking me as I fell into a restless sleep and always being there. I also remembered my emotional detachment, my withdrawal from our physical relationship and telling him that I was fine and to stop fussing over me. I had pushed him away. A sinking feeling was settling in my stomach as he continued to speak. I was lost, hopeless and desperate to make a connection with you, but you were so detached from me that you didnt even notice that I was a broken man. I didnt need you to support me, but I did need you to let me support you. I convinced myself that you didnt want me anymore, that you didnt need me around and that youd fallen out of love with me I gasped loudly, cutting off his speech. Edward looked down at the ground, ashamed. Nothing that Ive said is an excuse to cheat; I want you to know that Im not trying to make excuses. What I did was very wrong and I know that, but its honestly how I was feeling. You thought I wasnt in love with you anymore? I asked as I reached out and grasped his hand in mine. Yes, he whispered.

Edward, I gushed as I slipped off the log and sat on the ground in front of him. I never stopped loving you. Never. The thought that Edward could even think that I had stopped loving him was ludicrous to me. I wanted to show him that he was wrong, prove that I had loved him, but in looking back on my actions at the time I couldnt think of one example to give him that proved my love. We stared into each others eyes for a moment and all the things that Edward had said were rolling around in my head. The sinking feeling in my stomach exploded and rose up into my chest, causing me physical pain to the point that I double over with a loud grunt. Bella, what is it? Edward asked, standing up and bending over me in concern. My reaction had come in the exact second that Edwards words from this afternoon made sense to me. What we had talked about had changed nothing, he had still cheated, but it had also changed everything! I finally understood. I drove you away. The affair was my fault, I whispered as tears ran down my cheeks and fell onto the moss covered ground.

All Cried Out Chapter 7 The Safe Coffin 29th June 2004 ~ Bella ~ The pain in my chest was bigger than could fit inside my body. I clutched at my sides to try and hold myself together as I sobbed into my pillow. There was no way that I would ever move past this pain; it was too consuming, too life changing. "Are you ok, baby?" Edward whispered as he crawled across the bed and pulled me against his chest, his arms wrapping tightly around me and he stroked my hair. I continued to sob, not bothering to answer his question because he already knew the answer.

"I love you," he whispered comfortingly. "And your mom loved you too. You were her angel." The sobs grew louder as my whole body started to shake. "What can I do?" Edward begged. The emotion in his voice was palpable. He sounded desperate, lost and almost panicked. "Nothing," I choked out. It was the truth. There was nothing that he could do to take away the pain of my mother's death. "Can I just be alone?" I asked as I pushed away from his chest. Edward kissed the top of my head and released me. I rolled away, turning my back to him and putting a pillow over my head. I heard him mumble something which I couldn't make out and then I heard the door close. I was alone. 13th October 2009 He was right. I had pushed him away, over and over, starting the night that my mother died. I had never really let him back in after that night. "No! Bella, No!" Edward exclaimed as he got up on his knees and took both of my hands, which were shaking, in his. "The betrayal was completely my fault. You needed me to be there for you and I wasn't. I should have been there, even when you pushed me away, I should have stayed. There is no excuse for my behavior." Tears streamed down my face. His words meant nothing to me because they were hollow. I was sure that he meant them, but they didn't change the reality of our situation. Edward had tried to support me and I had pushed him to the point where he didn't even believe that I loved him anymore. Why hadn't I let him in? Why couldn't I have let him be there for me? "Bella, say something," he begged as he bent his head down to my eye level to read my face. "I'm sorry," I breathed. "You have nothing to apologize for; I was the one who went to Tanya"

At the mention of Tanya's name, the guilt I was feeling dried up almost instantly. How could I have forgotten about her? I knew in my heart that no matter what I had done to him, no matter how hard I had pushed him away, if he wasn't happy he should have talked to me about it, not sought out my best friend. "Tanya," I said, my voice cold and hard. I stood up and moved away from him, ripping my hands from his a little harder than was necessary. He sighed and sat back down, leaning against the log with his knees bent. "Do you want to know about her?" he asked. I spun to face him. "I've come this far," I replied softly. Edward nodded his head and patted the ground next to him for me to come and sit down. I shook my head and sat down on the log, as far from him as I could get. He gave me a sad smile but nodded his head slightly in understanding. "Tanya was a distraction. She wanted me and made me feel needed. She was someone to talk to, someone to listen to me who wouldn't push me away. That's all she was where are you going?" he asked as I stood up, brushed the moss off my jeans and started to walk away into the trees. "I thought I was here to listen to your version of what happened between us," I told him as I turned back and folded my arms over my chest. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to your lies." "I'm not lying!" Edward protested and he stood up and walked towards me. "You told me you were in love with her!" I yelled and threw my arms up in the air in frustration. "You stood in front of me and told me that you loved her. You can't tell me now that she didn't mean anything to you!" Edward sighed and ran his hands through his hair, tugging on it before starting to pace through the clearing. "I was so confused. She gave me something I needed, something I craved, something that I wasn't getting from you. I loved that she needed me, I loved how she made me feel wanted, but I never loved

her. Does that make sense?" he asked with pain in his voice. I slowly walked back to the log and sat down, curling my legs under me. "You cared about her enough to throw me away," I said softly, but in the still night air my voice carried and echoed through the trees. "I honestly never meant it to go as far as it did. The first time anything happened, I was frustrated with you; we hadn't had sex in months and you barely even spoke to me anymore. She was there and she wanted me. I allowed her to fulfil my sexual needs and I hated myself for it, while she was doing it as well as afterwards." He took a deep breath and sat down next to me. In a softer voice, he continued. "After that first time, I was disgusted with what I had done. I told myself I was never going to see her again and tried to convince myself that it had never even happened. But over the weeks you remained distant and I started to notice that you even stopped saying you loved me. One night I went for a walk down at First Beach and she was there. I don't know if she had followed me or if it was a co-incidence but we saw each other and we sat on the sand and talked for hours. I cried and she was there for me. I told her how I missed you and how I didn't know how to make you love me again. I shared my pain and it made me feel better." Part of me wanted to block my ears and sing LALALALALA in my head until he stopped talking but I knew that I needed to hear this; I needed to know the truth so I could let it go and move past it. "It was only emotional. After that first night when she satisfied me, I never let it become sexual again until after you moved out." He looked down at the ground and I could tell that he was ashamed. My hands were shaking and my breaths were coming in short rasping gasps. I was not handling this as well as I would have hoped. "I don't think I can listen to any more right now," I told him. "There is still so much you don't know. Everything that happened after you left, how I ended it with her and how my family reacted," he explained. "Please, you have to hear the whole story before you will understand."

"I can't," I cried out in anguish. "You have no idea what it does to me, what it's doing to me right now, listening to this. I am breaking inside," I told him as tears ran down my cheeks. I wiped the tears from my face roughly with my sleeve and stood up. "I have to go home. I can't listen to any more tonight," I said flatly. I couldn't feel anything; despite the tears that would not stop, I was feeling rather numb inside. "Don't you want to hear the rest?" he asked sadly. "Later, I need some time to process everything you have said. This is a lot to take in," I told him as I started to walk towards the trees. "I am so sorry I pushed you away, I never meant to hurt you," I whispered as I reached the tree line. Edward had followed me and was standing right behind me. "I never meant to hurt you," he sighed, mirroring my words. "You were right," I said as I turned to him and gave him a weak smile. He cocked his head to the side and gave me a curious look. "What you told me changes everything I thought I knew, and yet, nothing between us has changed. I'll contact you when I am ready to talk again," I said before turning and walking back through the trees to my car. I got in and started the engine but didn't drive away. I sat there in the car and cried. I allowed the tears to flow freely and I didn't even try to hold in the anguished sobs that were ripping at my chest. I had been so wrong about so many things and the truth was much more bitter than I had been expecting. I heard rustling and looked up to see Edward walking to his car. He stopped and looked over at me through the window and gave me a small wave as he smiled. He fucking smiled. Rage boiled inside of me. The crushing defeat that I had been feeling at hearing that I had caused the affair dissolved when I saw his smile. He was smiling at me like everything was fixed between us now, like I had forgiven him. He was wrong.

I opened the car door and stood up quickly, almost falling over my own feet as I ran across to his car. "Don't act like everything is ok with us!" I yelled when I reached him. "Huh?" he asked, looking confused. "Just because I was distant doesn't justify you cheating on me! YOU BROKE ME, EDWARD! You broke me," I yelled between sobs, my voice falling quiet towards the end as I started to cry again. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he reached his arms out to pull me into a hug. "NO!" I screamed at him as I pushed his arms away. "You can't touch me! You have no right to touch me!" Edward's mouth fell open and he flinched back from me as if I had hit him. I hated myself for crying but I couldn't stop the tears that streamed down my cheeks. My gut wrenching sobs echoed around the clearing and I stumbled backwards until I was leaning against Edward's car for support. He slowly walked towards me but stayed a few feet away, which I was grateful for. "You have to forgive me," he whispered. My eyes shot up to meet his. "And why do I have to do that?" I spat angrily. "Because we are meant to be together. You can't deny that!" he told me straight out, as if I couldn't revoke it. "We aren't meant to do anything. Do you understand what you did to us? You completely destroyed any chance for us to be together, ever again. Do you even take this seriously at all?" I yelled. "You won't understand until you hear the rest of what I have to say. Do you want to hear it?" he asked, reaching his hand out tentatively to me. "No! I'm going home!" I said determinedly and I pushed myself off his car and walked back around to my door.

"I'll be here when you are ready to listen," he called to me. "I'm sorry that I am still hurting you." I looked over to him and saw his crushed, defeated body language and I almost gave in to him. I almost walked back over to him and told him that it was ok, that I was to blame as much as he was and that it would be ok. But I didn't want to do that. He deserved to suffer the way I had suffered and as immature as it was, there was a part of me that was happy to see him crushed. With one final look, I opened the door of my car and was just about to climb inside when I head his voice echo around the clearing with words that I could not handle hearing right then. "I love you," he whispered. I turned to him and my anger flared again. "Don't you say that to me! Don't you dare say that!" I yelled before getting into the car, slamming the door and driving as quickly out of the clearing as I could. I cried all the way home. As I drove past the "Welcome to Forks" sign and slowed as I entered the main street, I wiped my eyes roughly with my sleeve and took a few deep breaths to calm myself. When I pulled up into my dad's driveway, I was relieved to know that Jake was at work and wouldn't be home for hours; he would definitely have questions about my tears. I let myself into the house and quietly walked up the stairs. I had a hot shower, so hot that the steam filled the bathroom and my skin was pink when I got out. When I got back to my bedroom I changed slowly into my pyjamas and climbed into bed. I felt like I was on autopilot, going through the motions but not really experiencing anything. I pulled the blankets up over my head and tried to block out the words that Edward had told me tonight. I didn't want to think about his affair with Tanya, I didn't want to think about how it had been partly my fault, I didn't want to think about the hurtful words I had said to him in anger and I certainly didn't want to think about those three words he had said just before I left. I couldn't think of those words. I decided to make myself a safe place where thoughts of Edward were

not allowed. I lay on the bed and straightened my arms and legs out. I imagined that I was lying on a warm, soft cushion; slowly I put walls around the cushion, one above my head, one below my feet and one on either side of my body. Then I lowered a roof onto my safe box and I smiled. I was in a dark, safe area where Edward would never be able to hurt me. I lay in my imaginary safe box for a few moments and started to feel quite relaxed until a disturbing thought crossed my mind. I had put myself into a coffin; an imaginary coffin. I shook my head and mentally broke down the image of my safe box. Was that how I saw a life without Edward? As a death sentence? I shook that thought from my mind and pulled Jake's pillow over from the other side of the bed and clutched it tightly to my chest, breathing in his musky scent and letting out a long sigh. I closed my eyes and ran over in my mind all my favourite memories of Jake. The night I came home and he was standing in the rain with flowers, the first time we had made love, and our trip to Italy last year. Slowly I felt myself calming down and I allowed my breathing to slow as I gradually drifted to sleep. ***** BANG! BANG! BANG! My eyes flew open and I rolled over to see Jake lying in bed next to me with the same shocked expression on his face as I was sure was on mine. He had dark circles under his eyes and I wondered how long ago he had gotten home. "Where is she, Charlie?" a loud voice screamed from downstairs and I groaned because I recognized the voice. Loud footsteps stomped up the stairs and I pulled the blanket up over mine and Jake's heads in an attempt to hide. "What is going on?" Jake asked, confused as the bedroom door banged open. "ISABELLA MARIE SWAN! Get out of that bed right now!" the voice screeched. Jake threw the blankets off and sat up. "Now hang on there miss, who

are you?" he asked. "I don't want to talk to you, new guy, I am here to talk to her!" she said firmly as she pointed her tiny finger at me. "Hello Alice," I sighed. "Hello Alice? After five years that is all you have to say to me?" she asked incredulously. I tapped my chin in faux thought and then gave her a big smile. "Yep, that's it!" I said with a big grin. "Ahhhh, I've missed you!" Alice laughed and she launched herself onto the bed and tackled me, all signs of anger gone. "I've missed you too!" I said sincerely. "When Mom said that she had seen you, I couldn't believe that you would come back to town and not call me," Alice said, with a hurt little pout on her lips. "Well, I didn't call anyone. I ran into your mom in the grocery store and Emmett was here for my dad's policeman party" "Wait! Emmett saw you before I did?" she shrieked, anger flashing in her eyes. "Uhh, yeah," is said, trying to hide my smile. I couldn't believe how similar she was to the young teenage girl I remembered. Sure, she was a little more mature looking, she had lost her babyish features, but she was still exactly as I remembered her. "How do you know Emmett?" Jake asked with his eyes narrowed suspiciously. I cringed; poor Jake had been face-to-face with too many Cullens as it was. I didn't know how he was going to react to having another one around. "He's my brother, is that ok with you?" Alice asked with a little more attitude than was necessary. Jake sighed and climbed over me and out of the bed. "I'm going to have a shower," he grumbled.

Once Jake had left the room I slapped her shoulder playfully. "Be nice to him, please!" "Yeah, yeah, Mom told me the deal. We all have to be nice to the new guy," she said with a roll of her eyes. "His name is Jake and if you gave him a chance you would see that he's a really good guy," I told her as I leaned back against my pillows. "I don't care if he's Jesus reincarnated. You belong with my brother. You know it, I know it, and even the new guy knows it. Why do you think he's so threatened?" Alice joked. "Just butt out of it, Alice," I said a little ruder than I had meant it. I was just sick of being told who I should be with. I could make my own decisions about my life and who I wanted to spend it with. "So, what are we going to do today?" Alice asked as she pulled her legs up and crossed them on the bed. I smiled at her. It might actually be nice to spend the day with Alice. "Why don't you go and I'll meet up with you in an hour at the diner?" I said, hoping that she would give me some time to talk to Jake and smooth over the Cullen invasion. "Sure, don't be late!" she said in a sing-songy voice as she left the room. Not long after I heard the front door close, Jake reappeared in the room with wet hair. "Is she gone?" he asked, looking around as if she would jump out from behind the closet door. "Yes, sorry about that. I had no idea she would be coming over. I guess Esme told her I was in town," I said. "There sure are a lot of them," Jake snapped. "A lot of what?" I asked. "A lot of his family. New ones keep appearing out of no-where, should I be prepared for anymore?" he asked sarcastically. He was upset. I sighed and walked over to him, running my hands up under his shirt

to stroke across his chest. "I think that's all of them now," I assured him as I kissed his chin softly. "Are they always going to be around?" he asked and he wrapped his arms around my waist. "Well, Edward won't be, but would you mind about the others?" I asked. Jake sighed, released me from his grasp and walked across the room away from me. "I'd prefer if they all just left us alone," he said. "I have a past. I'm sorry about that, but you were the one who wanted to move back here. I haven't initiated contact with any of them, but the fact is that they are like family to me and I don't want to turn them away," I said, throwing my arms up in the air in exasperation. This was a first for us, Jake and I had never had a fight before where we raised our voices at each other. We always talked about issues before they got to the 'blow-up' stage. "They were your family. They aren't your family anymore. You seem to have trouble making that distinction," Jake shot back at me. I sighed. I didn't want to yell at him, he hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, he had been more than accepting of the Cullens since we got back. I wanted to make things right with him. I walked over slowly and rested my hands on his chest. "Alice isn't a threat to our relationship," I said softly. Jake sighed and looked down at me with a small smile. "I know that, I don't know why I'm acting so irrationally," he said as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "Are you transferring your concerns about Edward onto his whole family?" I asked. Jake nodded. "I just feel like he's never going to be out of your life as long as his family is around. You'll always be reminded of him, be talking about him and it'll increase the chance of you seeing him." "Edward is my past," I whispered. "I'm in love with you."

"I want to believe that," he sighed and we both stiffened in each others arms. "I didn't mean that," he said. "I do believe you. I know you love me." Tears filled my eyes and I turned away from him so that I could wipe my cheeks without him watching. "I'm sorry if you feel like I don't love you enough. I am telling you the truth when I say that I am giving you everything that I am," I sobbed. Jake's arms wrapped around me from behind and he pulled my tightly against his chest. "I believe you. I don't know where that came from! Being here is just much harder than I thought it was going to be. Edward is everywhere around us and I am terrified that he will steal you away from me," he whispered into my ear, his warm breath sending a shiver down my neck. I nodded my head and wiped my eyes again. "I'm not going back to him," I whispered. "I'm with you." "I know you are, I know you are," he whispered as he kissed my neck. "I'm sorry I said that." I stood silently in Jake's arms for a few minutes, unsure of what to say. Everything was going so badly. Last night I had screamed at Edward and probably destroyed any chance of him telling me the rest of his story so I knew the truth, and now I was having a fight with Jake and just found out that he didn't think I loved him enough. Edward had also thought that I didn't love him. What was wrong with me that I couldn't express love to the men I cared about? Was I that dead inside that I couldn't show other people what they meant to me? "I better get to work," Jake sighed as he unwrapped his arms from around me and went back to getting ready for work. When he was dressed he kissed me softly and held me a little longer than usual in a tight hug. I knew that he was trying to assure me that we were fine, but it made me feel even less secure; he had never felt the need to do that before.

"Have a good day," I told him softly before I watched him walk out the door. ***** "Bella!" Alice called when I walked into the diner. She was sitting in a booth in the corner with a very pregnant Rosalie sitting next to her. I couldn't help but smile when I saw Rose; she had always been very special to me because we were the same, partners of the Cullen sons. We weren't the same anymore. Rose was stroking her large stomach in soothing circles but she stopped when she saw me and gave me a small wave. I walked over and sat down across from them in the booth. "Hey Rose," I said with a smile. "It's good to see you, sis," she replied back. "Ummm, what about me?" Alice asked, pouting. "Sorry Ali, it's good to see you too," Rose said laughing and Alice looked at her annoyed. She was so similar to the little girl I had known. Just as bitchy and spoiled, but I loved her; she was my little sister. "How have you been, Alice?" I asked before giving Rose a small wink. "Oh, I've been so good! I have a boyfriend now. His name is Jasper and he is so wonderful! And the sex, oh God! Let me tell you, that boy can fuck," she rambled. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as the girl I always thought of as a child discussed the joys of her sex life. "We all know how amazing my cousin is in the sack," Rosalie said with disgust in her voice. "I want to hear about Bella." Alice smiled. "Yes, how is your sex life, Bella? Is the new guy any good? He must be if you are going to marry him!" Rosalie rolled her eyes and I burst out laughing. "What? We have to get through this stuff quickly before Mom gets

here!" Alice exclaimed. "Esme's coming?" I asked. "Yeah, I told her we were meeting for lunch so we've got about thirty minutes before she'll get here. Just enough time to do some girly dirty talking. Now, spill about the new guy," Alice giggled as she leaned forward in her seat eagerly. "Ummm, well he's good," I said. "Oh come on, Bella! We need something juicy!" Rosalie begged. I sighed and thought about what I could say. I had never really been into the dirty talk with my friends and especially not with my exhusband's family. How awkward. "Ok, well one thing about Jake is that when we make love he's always really adoring. Like, he strokes me and kisses me the whole time. It's nice," I said and I could feel my face turn red. Alice and Rose both got looks on their faces that could only be described as 'dreamy' as they both smiled at me. "So, when do we get to meet this Jake?" Rose asked. "I've already met him," Alice boasted. "Saw him naked too!" Rose's mouth fell open and I jumped in to correct her before Rose got the wrong idea. "Alice burst into my bedroom this morning while Jake and I were still asleep and she saw him topless, not naked." "And?" Rose asked. "And he's hot!" Alice wailed as she covered her face and pretended to cry. "Why is that a bad thing?" I asked with a giggle. It was so nice to be able to talk to people that I knew and trusted about my relationship with Jake. I had never really had that before. "Well, I was hoping he'd be ugly. Then it would be easier for me to get you back with my brother! Jake's a hottie, so that makes my job harder," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm not with Jake because he's hot, Alice!" I said. Did she think I was that shallow? "I love him," I added. Rose and Alice looked at each other quickly and then both nodded their heads at me with sympathetic looks in their eyes. "What is this about?" I asked, pointing to their faces. "Nothing!" they both said at the same time. "Rose?" I asked, knowing that she was my best bet for finding out what they meant. "Well, it's just that everyone knows you are meant to be with Edward," she whispered. I sighed and threw myself back in the chair. "Well, Edward doesn't seem to agree with you. Maybe you should both be having lunch with Tanya instead of me," I spat with more venom in my voice than I had intended. Even though Edward had told me last night that he wasn't with Tanya anymore, I was still bitter about his affair. Alice and Rosalie looked at each other again, confused this time. "What are you talking about?" Alice asked, her eyes shining with curiosity. I didn't know if I had it in me to talk about the whole affair and explain everything that Edward had neglected to tell his family, but luckily, I was saved by Esme. "Oh!" she exclaimed as she walked up to the table. "My three favorite girls in the whole world, all together!" Esme sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me in close. "So, what are we chatting about?" she asked, excitement in her voice. I was about to say something neutral like "Oh, just catching up," when Alice jumped in. "Bella was just about to tell us what Tanya has to do with Edward,"

she blurted out. At the mention of Tanya, Esme's face hardened and she gripped my shoulder tightly. "Alice, Rosalie, I don't think that is something that we should talk about here," Esme scolded. I smiled at her, a silent thank you for her consideration. "Ok, well let's go home then and have a good chat about this! It's way overdue," Alice said as she grabbed her purse and stood up, walking away form the booth and towards the exit. Esme, Rosalie and I just stared at each other, not sure what to do. "Well, come on, I'll drive," Alice said as she pulled out her keys and walked out of the diner. We all got up and followed her outside. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want," Esme assured me as we left the building and found Alice's car in the lot. Rose sat in the front because she needed the leg room and Esme and I squished into the back. We hadn't been driving long when a siren blared behind us and flashing lights filled the car. "Dammit! I was only just speeding," Alice grumbled as she pulled over and wound her window down. The policeman approached the window and Alice groaned when she saw him in the mirror. "Licence and registration please," the deep voice said through the window and I had to hold back a giggle when I recognized the voice. "Hey baby," he added in a normal voice when he saw Rosalie sitting in the passenger seat. "Emmett, I wasn't even speeding," Alice protested as she handed her brother her documents. "Do you know how fast you were going back there, ma'am?" Emmett asked in the deep voice. "Oh, cut the act Emmett," Alice whined. "Are you going to give me a

ticket or not?" "Don't speak to an officer like that, miss, or I'll have to arrest you," Emmett chuckled as he handed the papers back in through the window. "How's the morning sickness today, babe?" he asked. "Not bad," Rose replied with a smile and Alice rolled her eyes. "Mom, tell Emmett to stop being an idiot!" Alice whined over her shoulder. Emmett stiffened and bent down to look into the car. "Oh, hey Mom Bella?" he asked, shocked. "Hey Emmett," I said with a small wave. "Ok, I'm going to let you off with a warning this time miss, but watch your speed," Emmett said as he winked at me and walked back to his car. "Stupid Emmett," Alice grumbled as she pulled back out onto the road and towards the Cullen house. I was smiling. A real, genuine smile and I felt completely relaxed. It had been so long since I had been able to just spend time with these people that I loved, and who I knew loved me too. It was nice. It was just a shame that they were part of the 'Edward package'. We pulled up in Esme's drive and all got out of the car. I helped Rose stand up and guided her and her huge stomach into the house. Alice was already curled up on the couch waiting for us all to sit. I sat on the same loveseat that I had sat on the week before with Jake and waited. "So Tanya?" Alice asked, once everyone was seated. I sighed and looked at Esme who gave me an encouraging look. "Tanya was Edward's mistress," I whispered. Alice and Rosalie both gasped loudly and Alice shot out of her chair and started pacing around the room. Rose was mumbling something under her breath that sounded like swearing but I couldn't quite make it out.

"That fucking bitch!" Alice yelled. "Alice!" I scolded, looking at Esme and apologising. "No, she's right. Tanya is a fucking bitch," Esme said seriously. "You knew this?" Alice asked her mother. "Bella told me last week when she came for dinner with Jake," Esme said softly. "Well, I'm going to talk to Edward about what a moron he was," Alice said firmly. "I've already done that, dear, it didn't change anything," Esme told her. "What did you say to Edward?" I asked. "You both looked so sad when you came down the stairs." Esme sighed and shifted in her seat. "I asked him what he was thinking. He didn't really want to give me any answers, he just kept saying that he needed to talk to you before he could explain. So, I told him that I was severely disappointed and that he had broken my heart," she said softly as silent tears ran down her cheeks. "You let him off easy, I would have yelled and thrown things," Alice said as she continued to stomp around the room. "I'm sorry, Esme," I whispered. "No, I'm sorry Bella. I'm so sorry that my son could treat you so badly. I didn't raise him to act that way and I am deeply ashamed of him," she sobbed. "I'm going to talk to him right now!" Alice said firmly as she walked back over to the couch to get her purse. "He's at work, you can't interrupt his appointments," Esme said firmly. Alice thought for a moment before an evil smile broke over her face and she grabbed her cell-phone and dialled a number. "Hello, I need to see a dentist today. I have a really bad toothache

As soon as possible Yes, I can be there then Thanks very much." She hung up the phone and smiled. "He had a cancellation at one o'clock and they can see me right away. I now have a whole hour booked with him and no-one will interrupt," she said with an evil smile as she cracked her knuckles. "Now hang on" I started but Rosalie was now trying to stand up and I stopped talking as I rushed over to help her. "Let's stop in at Dad's surgery on our way and give Tanya a hard time too!" Rose laughed. "Oooo, why didn't I think of that?" Alice squealed excitedly. Alice and Rose walked out the front door and I heard Alice's car start. "We had better go with them to make sure they don't get in any trouble," Esme said as he stood up and walked towards the door. I shrugged my shoulders and followed them out. I had to admit that it would be good to see Tanya and Edward getting yelled at. We drove to the Cullen Medical Centre and parked next to Carlisle's car. I looked up at the building and felt a shiver run through my body. Edward was in there right now. I scanned the parking lot and saw his silver car a few cars over, its metallic paint glittering in the sun. "I don't know about this," I said nervously. Suddenly the idea of seeing Tanya was making me feel quite ill. "What do you mean? Don't you want to get her back?" Alice asked. "Ooo, I know, you should walk into the office and pretend you don't recognize her and say that you need to see Carlisle because you are pregnant to his son!" I rolled my eyes. "Yes, and that information wouldn't fly around town at the speed of lightning and then give Jake a heart attack when he heard it from a stranger at the gas station," I said sarcastically. "Oh right," Alice replied, looking disappointed. "I have a plan," Esme said and she gripped my hand tightly and pulled me into the building.

We rode up the elevator to the fourth floor and got out. There was a sign that said Dr C. Cullen M.D. on the door. Esme strolled in as if she owned the place and we all followed her. I kept my head down so Tanya wouldn't see me straight away. "Hello Mrs Cullen, Carlisle is just in with a patient at the moment but he'll be free to see you in a few minutes," Tanya said. When I heard her voice I felt bile rise up in my throat. How could Edward have ever cared about her? "Actually, Tanya, I'm here to see you," Esme said sweetly. Tanya looked curiously at Alice and Rosalie and her eyes almost popped out of her head when she saw me standing behind them. "BBella?" she asked. I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't get any words out. My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I was shocked that the other people in the room didn't seem to hear it. "Don't you speak to her!" Alice threatened in a low voice. "I'll handle this dear," Esme said softly to her daughter. "Tanya, darling, I am going to say this once. Please don't make me repeat it." Tanya looked around nervously and started tapping her long red nails on the desk. "I would like you to collect your things off the desk and take your skinny ass out of this office. You are never to return or to speak to any member of my family again. Do you understand?" Esme asked a low, calm voice that terrified me more than if she had been screaming. "Butmy job?" Tanya asked, her voice shaking. "Your services are no longer required," Esme hissed as she leaned down into Tanya's face. "Get out, NOW!" Tanya stood up quickly and started putting things into her handbag. Esme turned away from her and sat in one of the chairs and started casually flipping through a magazine.

When she was finished packing up her desk, Tanya walked quickly past me. "At least I can satisfy a man in the bedroom," she snarled at me as she walked past. The hole in my gut tore open even more and I almost screamed in pain. I bit my tongue and walked away from her so she wouldn't see me cry. I wished that I was strong enough to say something to her but I knew that as soon as I tried to open my mouth I would just start sobbing and she didn't deserve to see my pain. Just before she walked out Tanya turned and looked at me. "You know, Bella, it's a shame that we can't stay friends. After all the things that Edward told me about you, I really feel like I know you better than anyone," she said with a smirk. Rage clouded my judgement and before I knew what I was doing, I was out of my seat and running across the room. I slapped her hard across the face. "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" I yelled and then clamped my hand over my mouth in shock. Tanya clutched at her cheek and she stumbled back from me. "Go Bella!" Alice cheered and then she pushed Tanya out the door and slammed it hard in her face. Esme's arms were around me before I could really comprehend what had happened. "Are you ok?" she whispered to me. I nodded my head and took a few deep breaths. The office phone started to ring and we all looked at each other. Who was going to work Carlisle's office until he could hire a new receptionist? Esme released me and walked over to the desk. "Dr Cullen's office," she said politely into the phone as she sat down in the chair behind the desk. "Let me just check for you yes, I have your appointment for three o'clock ok, see you then goodbye," she said before hanging up the phone.

I sat down again and tried to tell myself what had actually happened. I felt like I had floated out of my body and watched myself slapping Tanya; had I really done that? "Tanya, can you please make a return appointment for Mr Gr Esme? What is going on?" Carlisle asked shocked as he came out of his office followed by an elderly man with a bandage on his arm. "Hello dear," Esme said, smiling at him from behind the desk. "I have everything under control." "Hello Daddy," Alice said with a wave. Carlisle looked around his waiting room in shock as he registered that every woman in his family was there, plus me. His face softened when he saw me and then concern crossed his face when he registered my tears. "Bella, what's wrong?" he asked softly as he kneeled down in front of me. I shook my head, unable to put into words what had just happened. "Mom fired Tanya," Alice giggled. Carlisle sighed and his jaw tensed as he turned back to Esme, who was scheduling a return appointment for the patient. "Thank you, see you next week," Esme said pleasantly as the elderly man left the room. "Ok, now let's do Edward!" Alice said as she clapped her hands and jumped on the spot. "You do that, I have my hands full here," Esme said as she started tapping on the keyboard. "Do what to Edward?" Carlisle asked cautiously. "Don't worry, Dad, I'm just going to talk to him," Alice said and then she winked at me. "I think I'll stay here too, this is all too much excitement for me," Rose laughed as she sat down in one of the chairs and picked up a magazine. "Stop in and pick me up when you're ready to go."

"Come on, Bella," Alice said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the hallway and into the elevator so we could go up to Edward's office. The doors opened and we got out into an identical hallway as the one outside Carlisle's office. A similar plaque was on the wall. E. Cullen Dentist. Chapter 8 The Last Honest Smile 14th October 2009 ~ Bella ~ Alice opened the door to Edward's clinic and we stepped inside. His secretary looked up at us and smiled. "Hello," she said pleasantly. "Hi, I rang about an emergency appointment," Alice said sweetly. "Sure, just go through to the waiting room and Mr Cullen will be with you shortly," she said before looking back at her computer screen. Alice and I walked through another door and entered a small sterile room with chairs around the walls and a table in the middle of the room, which was covered in out-of-date magazines. "Your mother has no right to talk to me like that! What did you say to her?" a voice screamed from one of the rooms off the waiting room and Alice and I looked at each other curiously. "And that bitch ex-wife of yours" the voice continued but was cut off. "Don't you ever talk about Bella like that!" Edward's voice roared. Alice's lips set in a hard line and she marched up to the door where the screaming was coming from and opened it, stepping inside and closing the door behind her. Alice's voice joined the ruckus; this was not good! I sat down in one of the chairs and closed my eyes, trying to block out the sounds of their voices and the fact that I could hear my name being yelled over and over again. Their voices were muffled and I

could only make out some of the words, but I could understand most of what they were saying. Tanya would scream something about how I had never loved Edward and how he was better off without me, and then Edward and Alice would both yell at her in a jumble of cursing and other words I couldn't really make out. Then, Alice's argument would seem to change and she would start yelling at Edward for being a moron and for ever letting me go. "Just go, Tanya, and don't ever come back!" Edward said, loud enough for me to make out clearly and the door opened. I stiffened in my seat as Tanya appeared in the waiting room. It took a second for her to realize that it was me sitting by the door, but when she did she got an evil grin on her face. Walking over to me, she sat in the chair next to mine and leaned in close. "I'm going to tell you this because we were friends once," she whispered. "You can't trust Edward. Whatever it is that he is telling you to try and win you back, don't believe it. He's been chasing me the whole time you were gone. I know all about your marriage problems, how you wouldn't fuck him and treated him like shit. All I'm saying is that you're better off without him." I sat in silence as her words sunk in. Edward had been chasing her? Then why had he said last night that he didn't talk to her at all? All of a sudden I felt heat creeping up my throat and over my face. It was suffocating me and I was overcome with dizziness. I jolted in my seat when the door jerked open again. "Bella's here? Now?" Edward asked as he stepped into the waiting room and his face softened when he saw me. The expression was short lived however, and turned to ice when he saw Tanya sitting next to me. "I told you to get the fuck out!" he said to her. "Now." Tanya stood up and wiggled her hips a little as she walked over to him. I watched with disgust as she trailed a finger down his chest. "Ooo, you know I love the dirty talk baby," she cooed at him and I felt like I was going to be sick. "Now!" Edward said sharply through gritted teeth as he roughly

pushed her hand from his chest and turned his back on her walking over to me. I watched as Alice held the door open for Tanya to leave. I watched her disappear out of the room. I looked at the magazines on the table; anything so that I wouldn't have to look at Edward's face. "Bella," he said softly as he sat in the chair that Tanya had just vacated. I tried to hold it in, I tried to be strong but the events of the previous night, coupled with the fight I had had with Jake that morning, the surprise of my outing with the Cullen ladies, and then seeing Tanya was all too much for me. Tears started flowing down my cheeks and I could hear the sobs ripping through my chest. I didn't want to be weak, I didn't want to show Edward that I was in pain, but I couldn't stop it. It was all too much for me. "What did she say, Bella?" Edward asked softly. I shook my head and sniffed loudly. I felt a small hand on my back and looked up to Alice standing next to me; she was rubbing comforting circles on my shoulder blade but I could tell she was agitated because her foot was tapping furiously on the ground. "Just leave her alone, Edward," Alice hissed. "Alice, can you just wait outside please?" Edward asked, trying to sound calm but I could hear the tension in his voice. "No way!" Alice exclaimed. "It's ok, Alice, I'd like to talk to Edward," I said, speaking for the first time since I had entered the room. I knew that I had to ask him about what Tanya had said; there was no way I would be able to think about anything else until that was explained. I stood up and walked into the room that the others had all come out of and I felt Edward following me. "I'll be right here if you need me," Alice sang out before Edward closed the door. "What did she say to you?" he asked again as I took a seat and looked

around the room. It was Edward's office. I was seated in front of a large mahogany desk which had small models of teeth lined up in front of his computer. There were shelves behind it that had rows of books, his framed diploma and some family photographs. I smiled when I saw the happy faces of the Cullens all looking down on me and then my breath hitched in my throat. The next photo along was our wedding photo. There on the shelf, only a few feet away from me was a picture of Edward and me on First Beach; I was in my white dress and he was in his tuxedo, we were both barefoot and the wind was blowing our hair around. We were facing each other, entwined in an embrace and the sun was setting behind us over the ocean creating a beautiful colored effect in the water. Edward was looking down at me and his love was radiating out of his eyes; he was looking at me like I was a prize that he was lucky enough to have won. The smile on my face wasn't forced, it wasn't fake. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had smiled that honestly. ~ 2nd August 2002 ~ "I present to you, for the first time Mr and Mrs Edward Cullen," the minister announced happily and I watched as all of our friends and family cheered and smiled up at us. I felt Edward's arm wrap tightly around my waist and his nose rubbed against my cheek as he pressed a soft kiss just below my ear. He exhaled slowly and my skin tingled as his warm breath flowed over it, causing me to sink into his side. "You are mine forever," he whispered into my ear and I felt my heart swell at his words. There was nothing more in the whole world that I wanted than to be his. Edward guided me slowly down the aisle past our friends and family and I was aware of cheering and confetti floating in the air around us, but everything in my perception seemed calm, in slow motion. As we left the large double doors of the church and found ourselves alone for the first time since being named husband and wife, my whole future swam before my eyes; Edward and I with our own home, Edward and I with our children, Edward and I travelling the world, Edward and I with our grandchildren. Every possible event in my

future life was tied to Edward. I smiled up at him and pressed my lips softly to his as I whispered, "I love you." He smiled down at me. "I will love you for the rest of my life," he vowed, his voice ringing with sincerity. ***** I looked at our faces in the picture and wondered if I would have still gone through with that day if I had have known what the outcome would be? "Bella?" Edward called, breaking my attention away from the photo. "Please tell me what she said." I took a few deep breaths and used all of my resolve to look at his face, into his eyes. I needed to see his reaction, to gage his sincerity. Part of me suspected that Tanya was lying but I would have to see from Edward's initial reaction to gauge his response. "Tanya said that you are still chasing her," I said flatly as I studied his face. His eyes went open in shock and then closed to slits, he looked very angry. I could see his chest heaving as if he were taking deep breaths and then he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. His reaction seemed genuine, and I wanted to believe that it was, but I still couldn't be sure. I watched him walk around his desk and take a seat in the large leather chair. He leaned forward, placing his arms on the desk and leaned close to me. "Bella, I know that you don't have any reason to trust me, in fact you have every reason not to trust me, but I promise you with everything that I am that I have not been in contact with Tanya since I ended things with her five years ago," he said solemnly, looking me in the eyes the whole time he spoke. It was probably foolish, and I would probably regret it later, but I couldn't help but believe him; he seemed so genuine. I released the breath I was holding and nodded my head.

He sighed loudly and leaned back in his chair, looking as relieved as I felt. We both sat in silence, Edward watching my face and me trying my hardest not to look at our wedding picture again. Finally, Edward leaned forward and cleared his throat. "Have you thought at all about what we spoke about last night?" he asked. I shook my head and Edward frowned. "It's a lot to think about, I'm going to need some time," I told him softly. I wasn't sure why but my throat felt hoarse, dry and a little sore. I must have looked as bad as I felt; I had been crying so I was sure that my face was all red and puffy. "I understand," he said as he stood and walked around the desk, standing in front of me and leaning back on the mahogany surface with his ankles crossed. "Well, I havebeen thinking about it, about one thing in particular actually and I have a question," he posed, keeping his eyes on my face. I looked up at him. "What is it?" I asked, my voice coming out scratchy. I cleared my throat and swallowed, trying to coach my voice back to normal. "Last night you said something something that I would like some clarification on," he said as he crouched down right in front of me so we were at eye level and he was only inches away from me. "What?" I whispered. "You said that you had never stopped loving me what I mean, ugh," he tried to get out before shaking his head and running his right hand up through his hair. I knew what he was about to ask me and I felt panic start to grow in my chest. I took a few deep breaths and looked over his shoulder, trying to focus on the books behind him to keep myself calm but instead my eyes focused on our wedding photo. "What I mean to say is do you still love me?" he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper at the end.

My eyes were glued onto my happy face in the photo. I missed that girl, how carefree she was, how happy she had been. She was happy because of Edward. I looked across to the Edward in the photo and saw the expression of love on his face as he looked down at his wife. I chanced a glance at the Edward in front of me and was startled to see that same adoring look in his eyes now. It was a different look, one of worry, of nervousness and shame, but the love was still there. I knew in that moment that I did still love Edward. That I would always love him, no matter what he did or said or how much he hurt me. I would always love him. I closed my eyes and nodded my head slightly as I felt warm tears falling down my cheeks. "I love you too," he whispered as I felt his thumb brush the tears from my cheek. I jumped back from him, startled. "I'm sorry," he said as he pulled his hand back quickly but I could see the smile that he was trying to hide. His happiness at my declaration annoyed me. I had admitted that I still loved him, but it didn't change anything. I decided that I needed to make that clear to him. "Nothing has changed Edward. I'm still with Jake, and I will stay with him," I said. The smile fell slightly from his face and his eyes pierced into mine. "Do you love him?" Edward asked. "Really love him?" I wanted to jump from my seat and scream that I loved Jake and I always would and that Edward meant nothing to me but I knew that wasn't true. I did love Jake, absolutely, but it was different. Edward had been my first love; what I felt for him was eternal, all consuming and unconditional. How I felt about Jake was safe. It was respectful, grounding and supportive. I knew that Jake was better for me at this point in my life. I nodded my head in answer to his question. I did love Jake and Edward needed to know that. "I do love him," I answered. "But not like I love you."

The words were out of my mouth before I had even consciously thought them and I was shocked to hear them so I clamped my hands over my mouth. Edward's eyes darkened and I saw in slow motion as his face moved towards me. His hands came up and cupped my face, tilting it slightly to the side, my hands falling away and as his face got closer, his eyes closed. He was going to kiss me. Alarm bells started ringing in my brain and just before he touched his lips to mine I pushed back from him, my chair skidding along the floor and his hands dropped from my face. "Don't," I choked out. My breathing was ragged and the panic in my chest was spreading. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," Edward apologized but I could see the hurt in his eyes. "It's just all so much. I can't deal with all of this right now," I said as I stood up and started backing away towards the door. "Don't run please," he begged. "Alice is waiting for me," was all I could think to say as my hand grasped the door knob. I heard Edward sigh as I walked back out into the waiting room. Alice looked up from the magazine she was reading and smiled at me. "You ok?" she asked. "Yeah, let's get out of here," I said quickly as I walked towards the exit. "I just want to talk to Edward, I haven't got to say my piece yet," she said as she walked towards his door. "I won't be long." "Just leave him Alice, it's been a long day for all of us," I said and Alice nodded her head and grudgingly followed me out and back into the elevator. I didn't want to stay in this room any longer than necessary. I knew that if Alice tried to go in there and talk to him that he would find a way to get me alone again and I just couldn't be near him right now.

My mind started racing as soon as I was free of his office. How dare he try to kiss me! I just told him that I wasn't going to leave Jake, but I had also just told him I loved him. I groaned and shook my head. Everything was so muddled. My head was confused, my heart was confused. I couldn't blame Edward for being confused about my twisted messages. I really had to sort myself out before I spoke to him again. We rode down in silence and got out at Carlisle's office. Alice opened the door to her father's clinic and walked in. I could see Rose was still sitting and reading her magazine but she looked up and placed it down on the small plastic table when she saw us. "How did you go?" she asked. "The skank was there!" Alice told her as she threw her arms up in the air. "But we got rid of her." Rose stood up and covered her mouth as she yawned. "That bitch, I hope you slapped her again," she said to me with a smile. I just shook my head. I knew it was probably rude to not say anything but this day had been so emotional already and I was just ready to go home. "Why don't you take Rosalie home," Esme called from the desk. "She's looking pretty tired." Alice nodded and went over to kiss her mother's cheek before waving and calling out a goodbye as she walked out of the clinic, followed by Rose. I turned to Esme and she gave me a smile before waving me after her daughter. I followed them out to the car and helped Rose into the front seat again and then got into the back. Alice drove us to Emmett and Rosalie's house and dropped her off before turning around and driving back towards town. "Will you come over and have a coffee with me?" she asked without taking her eyes off the road. I really just wanted to go home, but I looked at my watch and saw

that it was only three o'clock and knew that Dad and Jake both wouldn't be home for a few hours, and if I was left alone my brain would go into overdrive. Spending the afternoon with Alice would be a good distraction. The last thing I wanted to do was dwell on my almost kiss with my ex-husband. "Sure," I said with a smile. I hadn't been paying attention to where we were going until Alice turned down a familiar street. I looked on in horror as the house that I had lived in with Edward came into view. My eyes were glued to it and no matter how much I wanted to look away, I couldn't. The last time I had been there was when I had packed my belongings and left my wedding ring on the table. That was one of my saddest memories and it was hard for me to think about. I felt a familiar tightening in my chest. My breathing quickened and I felt my heart rate speed up. My hands instinctually grabbed tightly to the sides of my seat as I braced myself for seeing the house close up. As Alice drove closer and the house came more into view, I started to relax. It looked just as I had remembered it, it wasn't scary at all. The gardens were a little over grown and the driveway had some stains on it that I didn't remember, but apart from that, it looked like my house. "What's wrong?" Alice asked as she looked at me with concern. "Oh, this was your house," she added with understanding when she saw where I was looking. I nodded my head and turned to look back over my shoulder as we passed it. "He still lives there you know," she said softly. "Dad keeps trying to get him to sell it and get an apartment in town but he won't," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. He still lived there? I didn't know what to make of that. Alice turned another corner and pulled up in a driveway in front of a red brick house with perfectly maintained gardens. "Home sweet home," she giggled as she climbed out of the car and grabbed her handbag from the back seat.

I got out of the car and followed her inside. Her house was lovely; all of the furniture was new but not modern looking. Everything had a classic elegance about it and the rich colors in the carpets and curtains reminded me of royalty. "Jasper let me decorate," she said with a smile as she dumped her bag on the bench and walked over to the couch, plopping down heavily and curling her legs under her. "It's beautiful," I told her. Alice patted the couch next to her and I walked slowly across the room. I knew that she was going to ask me about why I had left and I was already on a whirlwind of emotions without reliving the past. "What happened, Bella?" she asked softly and I was struck with how different she was to earlier in the day. The loud, boisterous woman was gone and in front of me sat a small, scared-looking girl. I took a deep breath and knew that I had to talk about this at some point and it might be good for me to discuss the whole situation with someone who knew me, so I told her my story. I started at the very beginning and told her about how I was acting after my mother had died. She nodded along as I spoke but never interrupted me, which I was grateful for. I told her about my distance from Edward and how he had started staying late at the library to study several nights per week, how when I had started to come back to myself and wanted to talk with him, I only saw emptiness in his eyes, and then I told her about Christmas 2004. Alice gasped when I told her about the text message from Tanya. I saw tears forming in her eyes when I described what it had been like for me to be with the family on that special day and I watched her wipe the tears away as I described moving out. "But what about Tanya?" she blurted out when I told her how Edward had been calling me several times every day after I had moved in with my father. "Exactly. That was why I didn't answer any of his calls; there was no point because he couldn't change what had happened with her," I said sadly. "Continue, please," she said with a nod of her head.

I took a deep breath and explained how I had seen Tanya and Edward kissing in the grocery store and I watched her tiny hands ball into fists as she clutched a pillow to her chest. I explained that I had just packed everything I had into my car and had left Forks the next day. I didn't know where I would go, so I just drove and when I went over the state line from Washington into Oregon, I felt the weight lift from my chest. I stayed at a motel in Portland for a week before I managed to land a waitressing job and then get a cheap apartment. I told her how I had met Jake and he had pursued me. I was glad to see that her face softened once she heard the story of our romance and how we had fallen in love. I skipped many of the details of my life in Portland and picked up again with Jake wanting to move to Forks. He had never really given me a proper explanation as to why he had wanted to move but he had been so excited about the idea, and I had missed Charlie terribly so I agreed and within a month he had arranged a transfer to Port Angeles and we were here. "Didn't you know that you would see all of us?" Alice asked, with a small smile. "I mean, this is a small town, we would have known you were here and of course we would want to see you." "I know. I guess a part of me was hoping to see you all. When I left Edward I also left all of you and that was hard, almost as hard as losing him," I said softly as I tried hard to stop the tears that were prickling my eyes from spilling down my cheeks. "It was hard for us too," she whispered as she looked down and started picking at the lace edging on the pillow. "We were all so hurt you didn't you didn't even say goodbye," she breathed out softly. I couldn't hold the tears back and I felt them spilling down my cheeks. I leaned across the couch and pulled Alice into a tight hug; once she was in my arms I could feel her body shaking and could hear the soft sniffles as she tried to stop her own tears. "I'm so sorry about that," I whispered. "I know I should have said goodbye, I should have explained but I was so hurt. I was broken and the only thing I could do was to run to protect myself. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing anything that reminded me of Edward. The thought of saying goodbye to all of you was more than I could handle in my fragile state and I took the coward's way out. I'm so sorry," I sobbed into Alice's shoulder.

Alice pulled back from me but kept her hands on my shoulders, holding me still in front of her. "We were never angry with you, none of us were. We just didn't understand and Edward didn't give us any explanations. All we saw was that you were gone and that he was spiralling downwards very quickly. For weeks he didn't even leave his house. Mom would take food over for him but he barely ate it. We were all starting to get really worried but he slowly started to face the world again. I don't really know what happened for him in that time, I guess only Edward could tell you that," she said, her voice sounding more normal now that the tears had stopped. "What happened when you got here?" she asked as she dropped the pillow back onto the couch and pulled her knees up to her chest. I shifted in my seat so that I was lying back comfortably on the couch and picked up the pillow that Alice had discarded and held it to my chest; I felt I needed its comfort. I described to her what it had been like to see Esme at the market and I couldn't help but smile as I told her about how I had accidentally grabbed the contraceptive jelly. Alice giggled and the brightness started to return to her sad eyes. The lightness of the moment didn't last long though as I began the story of bumping into Edward in the parking lot, his appearance at dinner at his parent's house and then under my window that night. As I was describing the whole story to her, I felt myself releasing some of the tension that I have been holding in my body, I was relaxing and it was such a nice calming sensation. I then went on to explain my flat tire and how coincidental it had been for Edward to pick me up. Then how we had met up that night and all the things he had told me about his rationale for the affair. I could see that Alice was getting angry again, her foot was tapping quickly on the couch cushion and her lips had formed a thin line. "His excuse was that you were grieving for your mother?" she shrieked and stood up, pacing quickly around the room. I nodded me head. I couldn't elaborate for her because I couldn't justify his reasoning either. "Right, I was going to let this drop but I just can't. Tonight after he

gets home from work I am going to go over there and" "No!" I said firmly, cutting her off. Alice spun and looked at me quizzingly. "Just leave it alone Alice. This doesn't have anything to do with you," I explained, my voice a little louder than I had intended. She stared at me in shock for a moment. Alice was used to getting her own way and from what I remembered of her at seventeen; she would often have a tantrum if someone wouldn't let her do what she wanted. "He's my brother, I have a right to talk to him if I want," she said stubbornly, placing her hands on her hips. "Yes you do, but I'm asking you to please just let this go. I think enough of a mess was caused today without you adding to it now. Edward has told me he is sorry, there is nothing else that needs to be said, so you going and yelling at him won't do any good," I told her firmly. I was shocked to hear that I was almost yelling. I hadn't meant to be that angry but the emotional rollercoaster of a day that I had experienced was taking its toll on me. I knew that I would have to be very hard on my point because Alice had always been able to make me come around to her side and I was adamant that I didn't want her to interfere in this anymore. What she had done today was enough. I didn't regret what happened with Tanya, I was glad that she was fired, but I didn't want it to go any further. Alice pouted at me and I could see that she was going to do the sulking routine to try and get me to cave in. I wouldn't. "I wasn't going to do anything bad, I just wanted to tell him that I think what he did is wrong and how much he hurt everyone with his actions," she said, jutting her bottom lip out and looking at me sadly. I sighed. The sulking had begun. "I know you don't mean any harm Ali, but why do you think Edward didn't tell you all of this himself? You talking to him is only going to make him feel worse. Please, I'm asking you to just let this go," I begged.

Alice sighed loudly and folded her arms across her chest. "Fine!" she huffed as she threw herself down on the couch, looking annoyed. "I know you want to help, but right now what Edward and I both need is some time without thinking about this. I know that I have a lot to think about without anything else happening to make things more complicated then they already are. Can you respect that?" I asked. She didn't reply or even look over at me so I took that as my cue to leave. I had spent quite enough time with her today and I could feel a slight headache coming on. "I think I'm going to head home," I said as I stood up and walked over to the bench to grab my handbag. "I'll drive you," Alice said, annoyance lacing her voice as she went to get up as well. "It's ok, I think I'd enjoy the walk, I need some fresh air," I said as I started waking towards the door. I looked over my shoulder and called out a "Goodbye" as I pulled the door open, and I saw that Alice was still lying on the couch with her arms folded. She didn't respond to me so I walked out and pulled the door closed behind me. As I walked down the street I thought about the past 24 hours. I had gotten more information about my break-up with Edward, about how everyone in my life was feeling about it and insight into my own feelings than I had in the whole five years I had been gone. My mind raced as I thought over the conversation I had had with Edward the night before. I did not excuse his cheating, his reason didn't make what he did ok and nothing that he could say would change my opinion on that. I sighed as the realization hit me that I really had moved to a point where I was ok with not being with Edward. But then why the freak out in his office? I thought about how Edward had tried to kiss me only a few hours ago and my stomach turned. I knew that no matter how much I loved him, and I did love him very much, I wasn't able to let go of what he had done.

I turned the corner back into the street where I had lived and moved silently down the street. I started kicking small pebbles along the sidewalk and slowly looked up when I had stopped in front of the house. I looked at it objectively. It was a beautiful house; I remembered how much I had loved living there and how excited we had been when we had first moved in. I had missed this house for a long time after I moved to Portland and the apartment where I had lived had never really felt like home. Because Edward wasn't there, my mind told me but I shook that thought away. I glanced over the driveway and saw that there were several oil stains on the concrete, some old and dried and other looked darker and appeared to be new. I wondered if Edward's car was leaking oil. Not that it mattered to me. I gazed over the gardens and noticed that they were almost the same as I remembered except that the plants were all much more established, the leaves had become a darker shade of green and there were more flowers than I had remembered. I slowly stepped across the grass and walked up to the front window which I knew looked into the living room. I knew that it was a mistake but a part of me wanted to see inside the house. I cupped my hand to the glass to stop the reflection from the setting sun and peered in through the window. It was dark inside and hard to make anything out but as my eyes slowly adjusted, I started to make out some shapes. As far as I could tell, the furniture was all where I remembered it. The living room looked just the same, as if five years hadn't passed. I stepped back from the window and quickly moved back onto the sidewalk and walked down the street. I didn't need to see anymore. My mind was flooded with images of Edward and I snuggled on that couch and I had to get away from there. As I walked I tried to focus on the cracks in the pavement but the only thing that I saw was Edward's face slowly moving towards mine, his eyes closed and his lips slightly puckered. A walked the mile and a half into town and went straight to the diner where I had left my car parked. I went to get into my car but thought better of it and walked into the diner and up to the counter. "Can I have a strong coffee please?" I asked the lady behind the

counter and I inhaled deeply as she brewed it for me. As I made my way back out into the parking lot I took a long sip of the hot liquid and closed my eyes as the warmth spread down my throat and through my body. I let out a long sigh and started walking again as the caffeine and sugar made me feel better about my crazy day. As I drove home I thought about the insanity that was my day with the Cullen women. Had all of that really happened? I thought hard all the way home about the events and came to the conclusion that Esme, Alice and Rose weren't the same people that I remembered, just as I wasn't the same person that they knew from before. I was sure that my divorce had had a negative effect on the family and they had all changed because of it but I hadn't thought about how they needed closure on it just as much as I did. Still, when I thought back to the events at Carlisle's work, I was surprised with myself. I knew that I had gone along with them because a part of me never honestly thought anything bad would happen, but when Tanya had gotten in my face I just couldn't hold myself back. I felt guilt start to creep into my chest and I allowed it to sit there. I felt that I deserved to feel it. If not for what happened with Tanya, because I was honestly glad that she had been fired, then I should at least feel the guilt for Jake. I owed him some serious explanations. My car pulled up into the drive at my dad's house and I slowly walked inside, still thinking. I knew that I would have to have a talk with Jake. I hated the fact that he was being affected so much by all of this and I wanted to be honest with him about everything that had happened. I pulled out my cell phone and typed him a text message, sending it before I lost my nerve and chickened out. Hey you, Hope you have been having a good day at work. There are some things I need to tell you tonight. Will you be home early? Love you. B xx I waited very impatiently for him to text back. I paced the room and kept staring at the screen of the phone until, after what felt like hours, the screen lit up and it vibrated in my hand. I clicked the answer button and read the screen quickly while holding my breath. Baby, I should be leaving in a few minutes so I'll just be an hour. I'd like a talk :) Love you more! J

I sighed with relief and sat down on the couch, waiting for him to make the long drive back from Port Angeles. ***** "This is all very cryptic, Bella, I'm nervous," Jake said softly as I pulled up my car at the beach. I smiled at him, trying to assure him that there was nothing wrong but when I opened my mouth to say something, I couldn't get anything out. Instead I patted his knee and leaned over to kiss his cheek gently. His scent filled my senses and I immediately felt calmer, safer. "Let's walk," I suggested. Jake nodded and we both got out of the car and walked down to the sand. I slipped my hand into his and he squeezed my fingers as he turned his head to give me a weak smile. I could read him well enough to know that he was very nervous. "I'm sorry about this morning," I said while we continued to walk down to the water. Jake stopped walking and pulled me to a stop beside him. "You have nothing to apologize for, I know that Alice isn't a threat to us and I feel like an idiot for over-reacting to her being there," he sighed as he leaned down and brushed his lips softly against my forehead. "Alice isn't a threat," I agreed. Taking a deep breath, I looked right into his big, brown eyes and prepared myself for what I was about to tell him. "I have to tell you some things," I whispered. The smile faded from his face and he let out a long breath. "If you're going to break my heart Bella, please do it quickly," he choked out but he refused to look at my face. "What? Jake, no!" I gasped shocked, and I grabbed his chin and pulled his face to look into mine. "I love you, I'm going to marry you," I assured him.

"I don't understand why we are here," Jake admitted. "If it's not to tell me you are leaving me then what is it?" The pain in Jake's eyes was shining out at me like rays from the sun and it burned me just as badly. Suddenly all the emotional turmoil that I had been feeling in the past twenty-four hours seemed trivial. My past was over; there was no point in dragging it up over and over. What mattered to me now was right here. "I spoke with Edward last night," I said, not knowing how else to start the conversation than to just get into it. Jake nodded his head and sat down in the sand, hanging his head between his knees, but he didn't say anything. I knew that he understood how difficult it was for me to talk about things and that interrupting me might cause me to stop taking. "He had told me that he had some things to explain and I don't know curiosity got the better of me I guess, and so I met him and we talked. He told me his reasons for his affair and that he was very sorry," I explained. The whole time I had been talking I was holding my breath; I knew that Jake was already pressed close to breaking point about all of this and I was terrified that this news would push him over the edge, but I wanted to be honest with him. Jake kept his head hanging down between his legs but he was nodding his head. "What did he have to say?" he asked softly. I took another deep breath and thought back to my conversation with Edward last night. "He said that I was distant after my mom died, that he thought that after months of me pulling away, that I didn't love him anymore. He said he only cheated once and the rest of the affair was just emotional not physical that he talked to her because he couldn't talk to me," I said with difficulty. It was still hard to believe that that was the reason he had given me. Jake lifted his head up and looked at me curiously. "What did you say to him?" he asked, sadness written all over his face.

"I said well I yelled, that my distance wasn't a reason for him to cheat and that I didn't accept his apology. It wasn't a very nice conversation," I admitted. I looked Jake right in the eye to judge his reaction; he appeared calmer but still sad. I knew that I had to tell him what else Edward had said last night before I had left. I knew it was going to hurt him, but I wanted to be honest. I felt like if I hid Edward's words, I was as bad as Edward had been. Taking a deep breath I counted to ten in my head and then exhaled slowly. "He said he still loves me," I whispered. "I knew it," Jake spat angrily before taking a few deep breaths. I reached out and stroked his arm to try and soothe him. I knew that he was going to take that information badly and I could only imagine how difficult that was for him to hear. I hadn't even told him about my feelings yet. "Nothing happened. I promise you when he told me that, I yelled at him and drove away. I swear to you" I trailed off when I saw a tear welling in his eye. The water swelled but never fell. "I trust you, Bella. I do, but it worries me. I've felt you pulling away from me the past few days and I'm terrified," he admitted softly, making direct eye contact with me. I could see the despair in his eyes and I felt a little piece of my heart shatter for him. "Have I pulled away?" I asked. I tried to think back over my behaviour of the past few days and I couldn't think of anything that I had done to make him think I was leaving him. I thought that I had in fact told him over and over that I would stay. Maybe I had no clear perception of my own responses and actions because I also hadn't recognized that I had pulled back that much from my marriage. Jake nodded his head sadly and my mind started to race. "That's why I was upset this morning when you said you hoped that I

loved you; Edward had just told me that he felt unloved and I felt like you were saying the same thing. I honestly don't know what I have done to pull away from you," I said, my voice a little more panicked than I would have hoped. Jake stayed silent. He just shook his head slowly from side to side and kept his eyes on the sand. The sun had practically set by now and it was getting quite dark, so I wasn't sure if he was actually trying to make out the tiny grains or just focusing on something that wasn't me. "What do I have to do to prove to you how much I love you?" I asked. Jake's face softened and he looked at me, his head cocked slightly to the side. "Nothing," he whispered as his hand came up and cupped my cheek. "I believe you." I nodded my head slowly but I could still hear restraint in his voice, he was holding something back. "But?" I asked, hoping he would tell me the truth. He sighed. "But, you have been acting differently since we got here. It's natural, of course you feel uncomfortable. It must be so hard to be back here, but I think it's important for you to find yourself again. Your true self, not some faade that you wear so people don't see your pain, and as much as I hate the thought of it, the only person who can help you find who you are is Edward." I looked at him, shocked, my mouth hanging slightly open. "You want me to talk to Edward?" I asked, confused. "I think you should get it all out. He obviously has things he needs to say to you and until you find out what they are you will never have a complete understanding of the situation. I think you need that to let it go and move on from it. As much as I hate the thought of you and him alone together, I think it will be best for us in the long run and I trust you," he said as he ran his hands through the long strands that had blown free of my hair clip. I stared at him feeling completely astonished. I had never met a more selfless person.

"How did you get to be so wonderful?" I asked him as I leaned in and kissed him softly. "Just lucky I guess," he chuckled as we broke apart. "But I'm saying that as much for myself as for you. I want you to feel free when we get married. I don't want your past to be hanging over us forever." "I don't want that either," I assured him, but there was a small voice in the back of my head that was whispering that I would always carry Edward with me and I knew that little voice was true. I still hadn't told him about my conversation with Edward in his office today and that I had declared my feelings, but the more I thought about it the more I questioned the need to do it. I knew that hearing that I still loved my ex-husband would only hurt Jake, nothing good would come from that, and as long as I knew within myself that the feelings I had for Edward wouldn't jeopardize my relationship, then maybe it would be better to spare him the pain. I decided to hold off on telling him about my feelings because they didn't change how I felt about Jake. The whole time that I had loved Jake I had still carried these feelings for Edward, I just hadn't realized it. So, I justified to myself that I could continue to allow two men to share my heart, only one would be in secret. Jake pulled me into his arms and leaned down on me, causing me to shift my hips forward so I was lying in the sand with Jake's warm body pressed on mine. "Mmmm," he moaned as our lips moved together and he shifted a little so his weight was more evenly distributed over me. I felt his erection pressing into my thigh and my body automatically reacted by pressing my hips up against his body. Jake moved his hands down my body and started kneading my breasts through my shirt and trailed his lips down my throat. Once his mouth left mine I found myself gasping for breath; I hadn't realized how turned on I was. It seemed that my sex ban in my dad's house was having just as much of an effect on me as it had had on Jake. "Yes," I whispered as I felt fingers slip below the waist of my sweat pants and stroke my folds through my panties.

Jake's lips never left my neck but he let out a guttural moan when he felt how wet I was. Suddenly we both froze as the sound of children's laughter echoed through the dunes behind us. Jake started to chuckle and sat up, removing his hands from my sweatpants and I couldn't help the pout that fell from my lips when his fingers were removed. "I can't win!" he said with a sigh as we noticed a dozen of the Rez kids come bounding out onto the sand and straight down to the water where they started splashing each other and squealing with laughter. "Time to go home?" I asked, reaching over to stroke his arm. Jake nodded and helped me to stand up. We both brushed the sand off our clothing and walked back up the beach to our car. The whole drive home I was thinking about what Jake had said; he had given me permission to talk to Edward about our feelings. Now I just had to find the courage to do it.

Chapter 9 The Ties That Bind 15th October 2009 ~ Bella ~ The following morning I woke to the sounds of Jake getting ready for work. I groaned and rolled over, reaching my hand out to him. Jake smiled at me and sat on the bed, taking my hand and squeezing it gently. "Good morning," he whispered before bringing my hand up to his lips and lightly kissing my palm. "What do you have planned for today?" "I don't know," I said with a yawn. "Well, I should have some time for lunch today if you want to drive up?" he asked with a sparkle in his eyes and I suspected that he had plans for us in the back seat of my car. "I'll let you know," I replied with a chuckle and he winked at me before standing up and grabbing his boots from the closet.

"Give me call if you want to meet up," he said before leaning over the bed, kissing my forehead and leaving the room. After I had heard the front door close and his car drive off down the street, I rolled onto my back and stretched, enjoying the tingles that shot down my spine as my muscles contracted. I glanced over at the clock and saw that it was only just after six so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I was awoken suddenly by my phone beeping on the nightstand. Groaning, I rolled over and grabbed for it several times before my hand grasped it tightly. I pulled the phone over to my face and squinted at the screen. I had a text message from Alice. Bella, I'm sorry for interfering in your life, you were right it's not my place. I will back off, I promise! Please don't be mad! Alice xx I smiled; I knew that it must have been hard for Alice to admit that she was wrong, so I quickly typed back a reply. I'm not mad. I know your heart was in the right place but I appreciate you backing off, it will make everything easier for everyone. I have a question I'd like to ask you Before we came to Forks, Jake and I had been hesitant to plan our wedding because we hadn't known where we would be living. Now that we had made the decision to move back home, I felt it was time to get serious about the planning. I knew that it would reassure Jake of my commitment to him and I also knew that Alice was the perfect person to help me plan for the event. What question? Her text came back almost immediately and I laughed as I typed back to her knowing that she would scream when she read it. I hoped that Jasper wasn't trying to sleep. I'm going to start planning my wedding and I was wondering if you could help me? She didn't reply and after five minutes I decided that I wasn't going to wait any longer so I got out of bed and went to have a shower. As I stood under the warm water and watched the soap suds swirl around the drain, I started to think about my wedding. I had already done the

big romantic wedding and Jake and I had discussed that I didn't want that again. We were both happy with a small ceremony of just close friends and family and I thought it might be nice if we went to Seattle. My Dad could drive up and Jake's family could make the trip from Portland. Plus, I wouldn't be reminded of Edward everywhere I looked. Once I had dried my hair and gotten dressed, I went back and looked at my phone. I had a missed call and a text message. I called back the missed call first. "Hello, United Country Pacific Realty. How can I help you?" a nasal voice said as she answered the phone. "Hello, I had a missed call from his number," I told her. "Name?" she asked. "Isabella Swan," I replied. "Yes Ms Swan, I'll just put you through to the estate agent. One moment please," she said before switching me to hold music. The music stopped almost as soon as it started and a man's voice answered cheerily. "Bella, good to speak to you again," he said as if we were old friends. Truthfully I didn't even remember the agent's name that had shown us through the house we had applied for but I went along with it. "Good to speak to you too, do you have some news on our application?" I asked. "You've been approved. You can pick up the key next week and move in anytime after that," he told me cheerfully. "That's great! I'll let Jake know and we'll come in next week to finalize everything," I told him excitedly before hanging up the phone. We had a house! I squealed loudly and dialled Jake's cell number with shaking fingers. His voice mail answered. "You've called Jacob Black, please leave me a message."

"Jake!" I yelled excitedly. "The house we applied for was just approved. We can move in next week call me back." I hung up and noticed that I still had an unread text message. I opened it and saw it was Alice's reply. I'd love to help! Maybe we can get together next weekend? Next weekend? That was unlike Alice. I had expected her to be on my doorstep wanting to plan that very minute. I shrugged my shoulders and typed her back a quick response of Sounds great before looking around the room to see if there was anything I could start packing. Ten minutes later I was still standing in the middle of the bedroom staring into space. There was nothing to pack; we hadn't really unpacked when we arrived, knowing that we would be moving again so everything was already done. There were just the few clothes that we had hanging in the closet but we would still need those before we moved and I knew that I couldn't pack them yet. With a sigh I went downstairs to make myself some breakfast. Maybe I would drive by the new house later and take another look at it from the outside, plan a makeover of the garden or something. When had my life become so mundane? I tried to think about what I could do to occupy my days for the upcoming weeks and months. What did other people my age do during the day? They had jobs. I sighed as I put two slices of bread in the toaster and began to feel sorry for myself. I had worked for the past few years but only in minimum wage jobs because I hadn't gone to college. I remembered Charlie telling me I would regret my decision to stay in Forks with Edward instead of moving to Seattle to attend UW. I closed my eyes and I could remember perfectly, standing in this kitchen yelling at him that he didn't understand what it was like to be in this much in love and that there was no way that I was going anywhere without Edward. In my mind I could see Charlie chuckle and walk over to me, pat my shoulder and say that one day I would regret the decision but that it was my mistake to make. I had hated him that day, had thought him to be wrong. I opened my eyes and looked around the room; he was right. The toast popped out

of the toaster and I jumped as the noise startled me. I poured myself a cup of coffee and spread peanut butter on the toast before sitting at the dining table in front of the newspaper which Dad had left lying open. I flicked absentmindedly through the pages until I came to the job listings. I scanned the advertisements and saw a couple of sales jobs that might be interesting so I circled them and kept reading. I paused when I saw the administration job at Cullen Medical and thought about what it would be like to work in Tanya's job with Carlisle. I laughed softly and thought that it might actually be quite fun but I knew that Jake would hate if I was working in the same building as Edward and I could understand that. Jake had been understanding enough to encourage me to talk to Edward about our past but I doubted that understanding would extend to me working with him on a daily basis. I closed the newspaper and picked up my cell phone. Jake hadn't called back yet so I supposed he was busy. I thought about his words the night before, telling me I should talk with Edward. I knew he was right but there was a part of me that was scared. I told myself that I wasn't going to learn anything that I didn't already know, that nothing he said mattered anyway because I was with Jake now and that if he upset me I could just leave. With a surge of courage I decided to suck it up and just do it. I grabbed the yellow pages out of the cupboard in the hallway and found Edward's clinic's number and dialled. "Cullen Medical Centre, Edward Cullen's office," a soft voice said. "Hello, I'd like to speak with Edward please," I said. "May I ask who is calling?" the receptionist asked. "Bella Swan," I replied, wondering if she would know who I was. "Just a moment, I'll see if Mr Cullen is available," she said with no sound of recognition in her voice. I huffed internally; a part of me wanted her to know that I was his ex-wife. "Bella?" Edward's voice came on the line, he sounded slightly excited. "Hi Edward uhhh how are you?" I asked, suddenly losing the

courage that I had just built up a moment ago. "I'm fine, and you?" he asked, his voice starting to sound cautious. "Oh I'm good," I replied and then bit my lip nervously. I wasn't asking him out on a date so why was I suddenly so nervous? "Were you calling for any particular reason? Not that I mind if you just called to chat you are welcome to call me whenever you like for any reason I just thought there might be a specific thing you wanted to discuss," Edward blurted out and I could tell that he was as nervous about this phone call as I was, which actually helped me to relax a little. I took a deep breath and rolled me shoulders as I prepared myself to say my reason for calling. "Bella?" Edward asked softly. "I'm ready to talk well to listen actually, you will talk and I will listen about Tanya" I trailed off and smacked myself in the head for not being able to form a coherent sentence of the English language. Edward sucked in a breath and was silent for a moment. "Now?" he asked. "Ummm, no. Whenever is good for you. I can't meet you on nights or weekends though Jake will be home but whenever is good for you during business hours. Should I make an appointment?" I asked, knowing that I hadn't explained that well at all. "He doesn't know you will be meeting me?" Edward asked with curiosity in his voice. "Oh no, he does. He suggested that I talk with you actually. But, I think it's better if I see you during the day, at your office maybe?" I asked. I hoped that he understood my reason for wanting to see him at his office. After our last meeting I had a feeling that our talk might become quite emotional and I didn't want to be anywhere public where I might be seen crying or anywhere too relaxed where he might try to make a move on me. I thought back to how he had tried to kiss me in his office but I pushed that aside; I would just make sure we stayed on opposite sides of the room.

"Yeah uhhh that should be fine. Can I call you back after I've had a chance to look over my appointment book?" he asked hesitantly and I wondered if he was nervous about what our topic of conversation would be or if it was just the idea of seeing me again. "Sure. Talk to you then," I said quickly before hanging up the phone. What the hell was that? I put my phone down and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I couldn't believe that I had acted so stupidly. I had known Edward for ten years, had spoken to him on the phone hundreds, if not thousands of times and yet this one time when I wanted to appear strong and confident I come across as a bumbling fool. A few minutes later my cell rang and I answered it nervously, suspecting that it would be Edward. "Hello?" I asked tentatively. "WE GOT IT!!!" Jake's voice ripped through the phone loudly and I felt myself relax considerably and a large smile spread over my face. "Yeah, we can collect the keys next week!" I replied with excitement in my voice as well. "That's so great baby, we're really settling down. You know, I was thinking maybe we should start getting some idea for the wedding?" he posed. "I was thinking the exact same thing. I have already enlisted some help in the planning, we'll be starting next weekend," I told him proudly. "Ahhh, you're the best babe! I love you," he cooed into the phone. "I love you," I echoed just before there was a beep from my phone. I looked at the screen and saw that I had a second incoming call. "Jake, I have another call, do you want me to call you back?" I asked. "Nah, but we should celebrate tonight," he said excitedly. "Sounds good, see you when you get home," I said before hanging up the call and answering the call on hold. "Hello?" I asked, my voice still happy from the excitement that Jake and I had shared.

"Hello again," Edward's voice responded, sounding surprised. "Oh hey, sorry I took so long to answer; I was on a call with I was on another call," I said, stopping myself from rubbing Jake in his face. "No problem. So, I was looking at my appointments and I have all afternoon free on Tuesday next week?" he posed. "I was also thinking maybe we could have lunch first to try and clear the air and catch up. Nothing about the past, just talk about what's happening with us now and then when we are feeling a bit more comfortable, we could talk about the past what do you think?" he asked nervously. I thought about what he said; was it a good idea to do something social with Edward? He was right in that it might be a good idea to become more comfortable with each other before we had such an emotional discussion, but I couldn't stop the feeling of unease in the thought of sitting and chatting with him like nothing was wrong between us. I decided to agree to meet him for lunch, but then if on the day I was uncomfortable with it, I would call and tell him that I would only be there for the appointment. "Sounds good. What time should I be there?" I asked. "Why don't you come by the office at about twelve-thirty and I'll order something in." "Ok, see you Tuesday," I told him, a little bit more formality in my voice than I intended but I felt the need to have a wall of protection. "Have a good weekend," he said, sounding happy. "Goodbye," I said as I hit the end call button and started pacing in the hallway. Had I done the right thing? ***** ~ 20th October 2009 ~ I walked towards the building with shaking hands. I had been a nervous wreck all morning and I was seriously considering calling Edward and cancelling the whole meeting but Jake had encouraged me that morning to just get it over and done with. Once I knew what he had to say, I could put it behind me and move on with the plans for our wedding.

Remembering Jake's words of encouragement, I walked with a new determination into the building and rode the elevator up to Edward's office. I stepped through the doors and his receptionist gave me a polite smile. "Are you Ms Swan?" she asked politely. "Bella," I told her with a smile in return. "Mr Cullen is ready for you, please go through," she said as she held her arm out, indicating the waiting room. I walked through and saw that the waiting room was empty but that Edward's office door was propped open. I could see him sitting at his desk, tapping his fingers lightly on the keyboard. I walked to his door and knocked even though the door was open. Edward looked up and he smiled when he saw me. "Come in, Bella," he said as he gestured to one of the chairs. I took a seat and noticed there was a delicious smell in the room; Chinese food. "I ordered Chinese, I hope you don't mind," he said as he walked around his desk, went and closed the door and then sat in the chair next to mine, so close that I could smell his cologne; it smelled good. Shit! I was in trouble already. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths through my nose and allowed the familiar scent to flow over my senses as memories of Edward flooded my mind. My heart raced and I had to consciously break myself out of my cologne induced coma. I turned my chair to face towards him but at the same time moved it slightly away so I was sitting a little further back. The scent of his cologne was much softer in this new position and I relaxed a little. "Fried Rice?" he asked as he held out a box to me and placed some chopsticks in it. "Thanks," I replied as I reached out and took the box from him. I looked around and saw that Edward had placed two plastic plates on his desk in front of us, along with a stack of napkins and two bottles of Diet Coke. I smiled; he had remembered what I liked to drink.

I scooped some of the rice onto the plate and handed the box back to him before picking up another box and piling what looked like honeysoy chicken and vegetables onto my plate as well. "This looks great," I said awkwardly. I was feeling very nervous and like I didn't have anything to say. I was trying to wrack my brain for topics of conversation but kept coming up blank. I was relieved when Edward started to speak. "How was your weekend?" he asked casually before scooping some rice into his mouth. "Busy," I replied and he cocked an eyebrow at me as if to ask me if I wanted to elaborate. "Jake and I were approved for a house and so we spent the weekend in Port Angeles picking out furniture," I explained. If the news about Jake had upset him at all he didn't show it. He kept his expression very neutral and gave me a crooked smile. "That's great news." I nodded and took a few bites of my food but wasn't really hungry because the apprehension about what we were about to talk about was weighing on my mind. I put the plate down and picked up my Diet Coke. "How are things with you?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation going. He sighed and pushed the rice around on his plate. "Dad is really pushing me to sell the house our house," he said, looking me in the eye. I nodded my head to let him know that I knew about the house. "Do you want to?" I asked. "No well maybe," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "What do you mean?" I asked. "I've been thinking about moving my clinic to Seattle, there just isn't a large enough pool of people here for me to be as successful as I could be and there doesn't seem to be anything holding me here anymore except" he stopped talking and looked down at his food.

"Except the house?" I asked. He nodded his head and I chewed on my lip as I thought about what he had said. Why was holding onto the house so important to him? Alice had told me that Carlisle had been asking Edward to sell the house for a long time but that he had always refused. Was he considering it now? Did it have something to do with me being back in Forks? "Why have you kept it for so long?" I asked softly. Edward jerked his head up with a surprised look on his face and cocked his head to one side. "You can't tell?" he asked. "Because of me?" I asked, hoping that I was wrong. His eyes filled with sorrow and he nodded his head again. "I'm sorry," he almost whispered. "I know it was me who wanted to talk to you about everything, to lay it all out, but now I'm finding it really difficult." "It's okay," I said softly to him, but I resisted my urge to reach out and stroke his hand. "No, it's not." He straightened up and I could see a definite change in his demeanor. "I'm fine now," he assured me. He looked down at my plate of half eaten food and then at his own. "I'm not really hungry," he said as he stood up and dumped his plate in the trash can. "Me either," I agreed as I handed him my plate so he could dump it as well. "Did you want to get started then?" he asked, suddenly very formal. I nodded my head and stood up leaving the small chair that I had been sitting in and walked over to the couch on the side of the room. Edward watched me cautiously and cleared his throat when I turned and made eye contact with him. I felt a little annoyed because the whole reason that I had come here to have lunch with him was to make this discussion more comfortable and now he was even more distant than before.

I patted the couch cushion next to me and he hesitantly walked over and sat down. I slid to the side of the couch so that I was leaning on the arm and so that our bodies weren't touching at all. "Do you still want to do this? You seem extremely uncomfortable," I said. "I think it's important that we do this," was his cryptic response. "Okay," I said with a nod of my head. "I'm sure you have questions?" he asked me and I noticed that his posture was very rigid. I sighed. "Edward, I can't relax if you are so tense," I said, feeling quite uncomfortable. His body slouched a bit and he ran his hands through his hair before looking directly into my eyes. "I'm sorry; it's hard for me to admit all the things I did wrong. I know I did them, and I can admit them to myself but it's hard to say them to you when I know it is going to cause you pain," he said solemnly. "Well, why don't you let me worry about me? I'm a big girl and I can look after myself. I promise to let you know if I can't take anymore okay?" I offered. His face relaxed a little and he nodded his head. "Okay. What's your first question about Tanya?" he asked. My mind raced. I had so many questions to ask, I didn't know if I really wanted the answers to any of them, but I knew that I needed the answers. I took a deep breath and look down at the hem of my jeans skirt, picking at a frayed edge. "When did it start?" I asked quietly. I watched Edward nod his head solemnly out of the corner of my eye before he started to speak. "You told me the other night that you knew when things started to go wrong between us, well, my involvement with Tanya started about five months after your mother passed away."

I gasped louder than I had intended but I was shocked that it was so soon before I had found out. I had assumed that he had been seeing Tanya for much longer than just three months. "When exactly did it start?" I asked. I wasn't sure why, but now that I had the choice to learn the details, I found myself eager to know everything. I had assumed the length of the affair and had gotten it wrong, what else had I assumed? "Do you remember the night that we all went out to Port Angeles for the night and ended up in that nightclub?" he asked. I thought back to try and remember a night when we had been to a night club in Port Angeles. I could only think of one time during that time period. It had been in September and Edward and I had had an argument about something that I couldn't remember now, before we had left home. As I could recall we had gone for dinner with his family and all ended up dancing the night away. Well, Edward had sat in the corner and sulked most of the night, but everyone else had danced. "I remember," I said nodding my head. "While you, Alice and Rose were dancing, Tanya approached me and propositioned me I followed her into the bathroom" He stopped talking and ran his hands through his hair. "This is hard for me to say to you, sorry." "It's hard for me to hear," I said honestly and we gave each other weak smiles. "Go on," I urged. "I followed her into the bathroom and she gave me a blowjob" he trailed off and stared at me, waiting for my response. A hard lump formed in my throat and I tried to swallow it down as best I could. Nausea swarmed through my system and I began to feel dizzy. Assuming something had happened and actually knowing something had happened were two very different things. I could feel the warm tears start to drip down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away but couldn't say anything. "I'm sorry," Edward whispered, pain in his eyes. "Go on," I choked out. I needed him to continue and I didn't trust myself to try and put a whole sentence together.

I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths while he continued to speak. "I was disgusted with myself, hated what I had done and wanted so badly to go back and undo it but I couldn't. For weeks I tried to tell you, but every time I would get up the courage and try to start a conversation, you would tell me that you needed to be alone or that you were dealing with too much to listen. I understood that, I really did but it just reinforced my feeling that you didn't want me anymore," he explained. My deep breathing was not keeping me as calm as I had hoped it would as I allowed Edward's words to settle in. "What are you thinking?" he asked. I nodded my head and wiped the tears from my face before looking into his eyes. I saw regret, sorrow and worry there and it made the tears start flowing even more. "I'm sorry," I choked out. "You have nothing to be sorry for!" Edward exclaimed as he reached across and rubbed my back. I leaned away from his touch and he moved his hand back to his lap. "I'm sorry I'm not handling this better. I don't want to cry," I explained. I knew that he thought I had been apologizing for the past but I wasn't; I didn't see a need for me to apologize. In that moment I finally understood; I didn't need to apologize and neither did he. We weren't discussing this to try and fix what had happened between us that could never be mended; we were and would always be a little bit broken by our past. This discussion was not about forgiveness or making up, it was about understanding. We were talking about facts and facts didn't require apologies, they just existed without blame. That moment of understanding helped me to feel better about what Edward had explained and I was able to see his blowjob from Tanya in a more objective way. It still hurt but it was manageable. "I'm fine was there anything else?" I asked to check if he wanted to add anything before I asked my next question.

He shook his head but was still watching me with concern. "Ok," I took a deep breath and noticed that my voice wasn't shaking as much. "How long were you with her?" Edward leaned back on the couch and rested his head against the back, covering his hands with his face. I heard a loud sigh before he moved his hands down and started tapping on his thighs; I could see that he was very uncomfortable talking about this with me. "After that night in the club I didn't want anything to do with her. And I didn't see or speak to her for several weeks. Then one night while you were asleep, I went for a drive down to First Beach. I told you this part, where she was there and we talked?" I nodded my head to let him know that I remembered. "Well, after that we used to meet up every few days to talk. It felt so good to have someone to share my thoughts with, someone who I could talk to about my concerns for you, my loneliness and someone who needed something back from me. I started to look forward to our time together; she made me feel wanted, needed and cared for. Over the weeks I started to feel closer to her and at some point I did believe that I loved her" I cleared my throat. I hadn't meant to interrupt him but hearing him say that again was difficult for me and it was an automatic reaction that I couldn't control. "I was wrong about that," he continued. "but I wouldn't know that until later on. Not long before Christmas she told me that she loved me and I replied that I loved her too without even thinking. I felt so guilty for that, but a part of me honestly believed that I did love her. I knew it wasn't the same as how I loved you, I will never love anyone the same as I love you, but it was a kind of love all the same." I gasped again, not from shock this time but from understanding. What he was describing was exactly the same thoughts that I had had the previous week in this same office while trying to justify to myself the feelings that I had for Jake and Edward. While I absolutely could not condone his feelings for Tanya, I found myself softening to his dilemma, I could understand it. "By this point I was so disgusted with myself and trying so hard to hide it from you that I became careless. I usually deleted any trace of

contact with her from my home life so when you showed me that text message" He paused and looked at me to see if I was going to react; I didn't. "I was so angry at myself for being careless, but at the same time it was a huge relief to have it out in the open. Now you could punish me the way I deserved, you could hurt me and yell at me and then we could work through it. I wasn't at all prepared for you to just walk away without a word. It just confirmed for me that you didn't care about me. I thought that if you could walk away so easily then you mustn't love me, just as I had feared." "It wasn't at all easy for me to walk away," I said harshly. "It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life." Edward looked at me sadly. "Watching you drive out of that parking lot after you had seen me with Tanya in the grocery store was the hardest thing I have ever lived through," he admitted. "You didn't answer my question how long did it last?" I reminded him, not wanting to get into a pity exchange. "Right, sorry. Well for the three months between the night club and Christmas I was emotionally involved with her, I would talk to her, our feelings developed and then you found out," he summarized. "Then after you left, things changed. I was so angry at myself, disgusted with my actions and desperate to punish myself that I started seeing Tanya more. I know that it wont make sense to you, it barely makes sense to me but I hated knowing that seeing her had hurt you so to punish myself I would see her more because it hurt me to know that I was hurting you does that make any sense?" he asked. I thought about it. It seemed ridiculous that he would keep doing the thing that had caused all the trouble but from an illogical mind-set I could understand how he felt that he needed to be punished. "In a way, can you describe it better?" I asked honestly. I don't know. At the time it made sense but looking back I can see how ridiculous it was. Let's see I felt so guilty for what I had done that I needed to feel that pain, to allow myself to really understand the effect that my actions had on us. I had wanted you to yell at me and to be angry at me and when that didn't happen I felt even worse. I hated Tanya, which I can now see was a reflection of my own anger at myself. I used her to punish myself."

"I kind of get it," I said, knowing that he wouldn't be able to describe it any better than that. I would never really understand his logic but I could see the idea behind what he was saying. "So you started having sex with her?" I asked, already knowing the answer. "I fucked her," he clarified. "There's a difference. It wasn't just sex. Sex can be emotionless, but this was pure hatred. It was rough and hard and I got no pleasure from it." I raised an eyebrow at him. I didn't believe for one second that he hadn't enjoyed the sex. I remembered his sexual appetite perfectly well and he had always enjoyed sex. "The physical release was there but it was just that, a release. I didn't gain any gratification, any emotional enjoyment. While I was fucking her I would feel anger, hatred at her and at myself and then after the release I would feel even worse about myself than I had felt before, but I felt like I needed that negative reinforcement. I was bad and I deserved to feel bad." He must have seen the horrified look on my face because he paused and back peddled a little. "I never hurt her or anything! I was just completely detached emotionally," he clarified. "And how long did that go on for?" I asked, the nauseous feeling in my stomach increasing. It was so hard for me to know that while I had spent that month hiding from the world trying to put my broken heart back together, he had been having multiple orgasms. "Until that day at the grocery store. Tanya had gotten fed up with coming to the house and not having any food to eat so she had demanded that we get some groceries. I hadn't cared whether I was eating or not at that point and went along grudgingly. As I'm sure you remember, I had been calling you several times a day during that time but you never answered your phone, I even went to your dad's house a few times but he would never let me in to see you and one time he threatened to arrest me for trespassing so I stopped coming. So, when I saw you in the grocery store I was so happy. Words can't explain to you how happy I was to see you standing those few feet away from me. You looked so beautiful and my heart felt like it was whole again

for the first time since Christmas." He took a breath and I kept fiddling with the frayed edge of my skirt. "I was horrified when I realized that you had just seen me standing with Tanya and I knew that I had to act fast, to talk to you before you left my life forever. I ran after you and tried to get you to listen but you were so angry. I'm not going to lie to you, I was actually relieved that you were angry if you hadn't cared anymore then you wouldn't have had such a strong reaction so when I saw the fury in your eyes, I knew there was still love in your heart and that made me feel so good." I nodded my head, remembering the memory clearly. "Despite the fact that you drove away, I was left with a sense of hope, if you still loved me then there was a chance for us. I held onto that for a long time. After you left, Tanya approached me and she was furious that I had left her in the store and come running after you and she started yelling. I was so sick of her whinging and by that point I hated her so much that I couldn't really stand being around her so I told her that we were done. Right then in the parking lot I broke things off with her and have barely spoken to her again since," he said as he brought his hands up and ran his fingers roughly through his hair, causing some strands to stand up in all different directions. "It was all so selfish, everything was for your own needs," I blurted before I could stop myself. Edward gave me a guilty look before nodding his head. "I used Tanya to give me what I wasn't getting from you and then I used her to punish myself. I treated her terribly. I do feel guilty about that but on the other hand I couldn't care less about her feelings, it was hurting you that broke me," he said. I looked at Edward and realized that he wasn't the man that I had thought he was. I had never thought that my Edward was selfish or that my Edward would use another person for his own reasons without guilt. He was like a stranger to me. I didn't know who that person was. "It was on that day that I realized that you wouldn't ever come back to me because I wasn't worthy of you anymore," he said, almost mirroring my thoughts. "I hadn't been there for you or supported you when you needed me the most and that made me take a long hard

look at myself. I knew that I would have to find my true self again and become a person who you could be proud to be with, who was worthy of your love. That was why I didn't come after you for a long time, and when I was ready and believed that I could be a person worthy of you, you were gone." "You looked for me?" I asked. I had always assumed that Edward had given up on us and that he hadn't cared enough to want to find me. "Yes," he whispered. "The details aren't important but I did try." I wondered why he didn't want to tell me more about his attempts to contact me but I didn't push the matter. I had already gotten so much information today that my brain was on overload. "I am a good man now," he said softly, looking at me through his long lashes. "You were always a good man," I told him. "You just got lost for a while." He smiled and held eye contact with me. "I can be what you need now," he told me intensely. I shifted in my seat and let out a long sigh. Edward's gaze never left mine and the intensity of his stare combined with the words he had just said made me extremely uncomfortable. I had hoped that he would never directly ask me to come back to him. I could avoid his flirting and innuendo but a direct question would be uncomfortable. I decided to lay my position out so that it was clear for him. "Edward" I said slowly. "I like it better off," he said with a small smile. "Huh?" I asked, confused. He pointed to my hand. "I like it better off," he repeated. I realized that I had been absentmindedly sliding my engagement ring on and off my finger. I stared down at the diamond that Jake had given me and placed it back in position at the base of my finger.

The smile left Edward's face and his knee started bouncing as he rubbed his hands up and down his thighs nervously. "All I can offer you is friendship," I said. I tried to say it nicely, with a soft tone and a half smile but the grimace on Edward's face told me that it had still hurt him. "I know," he sighed. "I just wanted to let you know that you have options." I nodded my head and slowly stood up. "Maybe I should go," I said. "No! Please stay!" he blurted out. I was silent for a moment as I stared down at him and then he gave a small nod of his head and looked up at me. "I would rather have your friendship than nothing at all," he stated. I looked at him cautiously. "I don't know if that's a good idea," I said honestly. "Neither do I. But could we give it a try?" he asked. I sat back down on the couch and gave him a warm smile. "A try," I agreed with a nod of my head. We sat in silence for a moment and I decided that I needed something to lighten the mood. We had just had an extremely uncomfortable conversation and although I felt better knowing the details about his relationship with Tanya, I knew that I still hadn't processed everything. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he had light wrinkles around his eyes; it reminded me of how old we were and how much of each other's lives we had missed. "I can't believe how old you are!" I blurted out. "Excuse me?" he asked with a chuckle as he turned his whole body on the chair to look at me. I laughed as well and tried to cover my tracks. "I mean, how old we both are. When I am around you I feel like I am still twenty-two and I look at you now and my God, Edward you're thirty!" "And you are twenty-eight," he said with a shrug of his shoulder,

obviously not seeing what I found so astonishing but he had a smile on his face so I knew he hadn't been offended. "We're getting old, I forget that," I said simply and we smiled at each other. "Can I give you some friendly advice?" I asked, emphasizing the word friendly. "Of course," he replied. "Sell the house," I said. He studied my face as if looking for my reason for saying that and I gave him a smile. "It's holding you back, keeping you stuck. I think it would be good for you," I told him honestly. Sadness crossed his features and he nodded his head slowly. "I'll think about it." Suddenly his head popped out and he looked at me with an excited look on his face. "Do you want to see it again?" he asked. "Sometime," I said with a nod. I had to admit that I was curious to go back to the house. When I had walked past it last week and peeked through the window I had found it to be a surreal experience and I felt like I needed to say goodbye to that house properly and goodbye to the person that I was when I had lived there. "Why not right now?" he asked as he stood up and walked across the room to his desk and started packing files away. "Don't you have work to do?" I asked. "It's almost the end of the day anyway and I had the whole afternoon blocked out for your visit so I can take off a little early," he told me before using the intercom to tell his assistant that she could pack up and head home. I looked at my watch in surprise and couldn't believe that we had been talking for almost four hours. It made sense with the amount of conversation we had had about Tanya but I hadn't realized it had been so long.

"Ahhh, sure ok," I said because I couldn't think of a reason to say no. I might as well do it today and get all of the past out of the way in one day. ***** I pulled up in the driveway of the house behind Edward and waited for him to get out of his car and open the front door before I followed him inside. I walked slowly, taking in every detail as I stepped through the front door and allowed my eyes to get accustomed to the dark room. Edward kicked his shoes off and sat down on the couch, watching me with fascinated eyes as I slowly made my way around the room touching things softly and smiling to myself. "It looks just the same," I said, turning to face him. "Yeah, I never really changed anything. I like it how it is," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Can I?" I asked as I pointed down the hallway towards the bedrooms. "Sure," he replied and he stood to walk with me down the hall. My hand hesitated over the bedroom door handle and I took a deep breath before turning it and pushing the door open. The blinds were all drawn and it was quite dark in the room so I could only make out shapes. Edward's hand slipped past me and he switched the light on and the room came into view. It was a little different than I remembered, but still familiar. The bed was in the same position but the linen was different; there was now a large flat screen TV on the wall opposite the bed that hadn't been there before and the bookcase had been filled with dentistry text books and novels that I recognized as being some recent releases. I let out a long breath that I hadn't realized that I was holding and stepped into the room hesitantly. My gaze moved to the walk in closet and I moved towards it slowly, pulling the doors open and stepping inside. Edward's clothes were all still on one side and the other side, my side, was empty apart from a few storage boxes stacked against the wall. I could feel him standing behind me, his warm breath on the back of my neck, and I was reminded of being in this same position on

Christmas Day five years ago when he had pressed me against that wall and kissed me. I stared at the wall as if to bring the memory to life but then shook it off and pushed past Edward so I could get out of the closet. Once I was standing in the bedroom again I took a few deep breaths and breathed a sigh of relief. Something on the bed glinted in the light and I reached across the comforter and picked up two gold rings. I held them in my hand and gasped when I realized that I was holding my engagement and wedding rings. "You still have these?" I asked, shocked. Edward gave me a sheepish look and grabbed the rings from my hand, shoving them in his pocket so they were out of sight. "Sorry, I look at them sometimes," he mumbled. Look at them while lying in bed? I thought to myself but let it drop because he was looking extremely embarrassed. We made our way back down the hallway. "Would you like a drink or something?" Edward asked as he walked through the large archway into the kitchen. "No thanks, I should be getting home, Jake will be getting home from work soon," I said, still thinking about the rings that were now in his pocket. "Oh right, well don't want to keep him waiting," Edward said sadly but he placed a smile on his face. "A friend wouldn't want to keep you from you fianc." I smiled at him; I could see that he was really trying to make this friendship work. "Are we okay?" he asked, looking solemn for a moment. "About all the Tanya stuff?" he clarified. I took a deep breath and thought hard about his question. Was I okay with the fact that he had an affair with Tanya? No. Was I okay with our conversation today? I thought so. "We'll be fine," I told him with an encouraging smile and then walked

out the front door to my car. I wasn't sure how successful our friendship would be and I wasn't sure how Jake was going to feel about it, but I felt like I owed it to myself and to my past self to give it a try. I was going to be friends with Edward. Chapter 10 Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, BOOM! 24th October 2009 ~ Bella ~ "Should I put these boxes in the bedroom?" Jake called loudly. I stuck my head around the doorway to see which boxes he was holding. "Yeah, just put them in the closet and I'll unpack them when I'm done in the kitchen," I called before going back to organizing the pots and pans in the cupboard next to the oven. "I think this is the last of it, Bells," Dad said as he placed a large box on the counter. "Thanks for helping, Dad. We really appreciate it. You should come over on the weekend and we'll celebrate," I said. "Sounds good kiddo," Dad said with a smile. "Why don't we make it a house-warming party and invite a few people? I might invite some of the guys from work," Jake added. "Yeah, sounds good," I said before burying my head back in the cupboard to put the last few things in place. "I don't know Port Angeles boys?" Dad joked. Jake punched him in the arm before opening the fridge and pulling out two beers, handing one to Dad and keeping one for himself. "Want anything babe?" he asked. "I'm good," I said with a smile as Jake came over and kissed the top of my head.

"This is a great house," Dad told us after taking a long drink from his bottle. I closed the cupboard and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, I think we'll be happy here," I said with a nod of my head. Jake slipped his arms around my waist from behind and kissed my cheek. Dad smiled at us and at first I felt a little uncomfortable at him seeing Jake and I being intimate, but I realized that he was just happy for me. I smiled back at him and snuggled back into Jake's chest. "I'm exhausted, so I might leave you kids to it," Dad said, placing his almost empty beer bottle in the trash. "Are you sure? We were gonna order some pizza," Jake said as he released me and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "Nah, you relax and get used to your new place," Dad said as he pulled me into a tight hug. "Night Bells." "Thanks for all your help today, Dad!" I said as I hugged him back. "Thanks Charlie," Jake called before phoning the pizza store. I walked with Dad down the hallway and out into the yard. "I'm glad you're going to be around for a while," Dad said when we reached his car. "And only around the corner," I said with a laugh. "That's even better!" he agreed. "Thanks again Dad, today would have been much harder without your help," I said genuinely. After I watched him drive away I went back into the house. I smiled as I looked around. Since my conversation with Edward the other day, everything was going really smoothly. Jake seemed okay with the idea of Edward and I being friends, under the condition that we didn't hang out together alone. He was okay with Edward and I being around each other if we were with his family and that seemed like a good compromise to me. I hadn't seen Edward since I left his house the other night but Alice

had told me yesterday that he seemed happier than she had seen him in a long time, and I took comfort in that. I walked down the hall looking for Jake and screamed when he picked me up and ran down the hall with me over his shoulder. "We have half an hour before the pizza will be here," he chuckled as he ran to the bedroom and slammed the door closed behind us. ***** 31st October 2009 "Can you pass those corn chips?" one of Jake's work buddies called loudly. Another man threw the bag of chips across the backyard and the guy caught it like it was a football and then did a touchdown dance. I rolled my eyes and walked into the house to get more drinks. We had decided to invite Jake's new work friends as well as my Dad and some of his work friends; it was like a police function in my backyard and I was grateful when the doorbell rang because it gave me an excuse to get away from the testosterone overload in the yard. I opened the door and stepped back as Emmett pushed his way into the room followed by Rose, Alice, a blond guy I didn't know, and Edward. I looked at them all in confusion and Emmett gave me a sheepish smile. I had suspected that Emmett would be coming as he worked with my father but I didn't know he would be bringing the entire Cullen clan along with him. "Hi," I said awkwardly. I knew that Jake would lose it the second he saw that Edward was here. He had agreed to me seeing Edward in groups but I doubted he meant in our own home. "Hope you don't mind, these guys tagged along," Emmett said as he swung his carton of beer up onto his shoulder and looked around. "Nice house," he added. "It's fine," I said with a tight smile and I showed them through to the kitchen. We had ice filling the sink and everyone had placed their drinks in there so I pointed it out to Emmett so that he could add his

beer to the pile. "Your house is gorgeous Bella," Rose gushed as she ran her fingers along the marble counter-top. "Thanks, we like it," I said, giving her a smile. "This is Jasper," Alice squealed when I turned to her. I had suspected that the mysterious man would have been Alice's boyfriend but I didn't want to assume. He was very handsome and I could tell that he and Rose were related. I remembered Alice saying that he was Rose's cousin but they looked like they could be brother and sister. "Nice to meet you, Jasper," I said and I held my hand out for him to shake. "Nice to meet you. Alice talks about you all the time," he said with a friendly smile as he took the beer that Emmett handed him. "Well, the party is out in the yard, so make your way out whenever you are ready," I said, pointing out to the back yard. "Can we have a tour?" Alice asked. "Sure," I said and I held my arms out wide to showcase the room. "This is the kitchen." I walked through the house indicating the different rooms, followed by Alice, Jasper, Rose and Edward. Alice and Rose ooohed and ahhed as we entered each room and Jasper kept whispering in Alice's ear, but I noticed that Edward hadn't said a word since entering my house. I looked over to him and he smiled at me; I smiled back. Just as we stepped into the living room I heard my name being called. "Bella?" Jake's voice called through the house. "Where did you put the steak sauce?" Edward and I broke our eye contact and Alice groaned and rolled her eyes as Jake entered the room. I shot her an annoyed look but she just gave me an innocent smile. "Bel" Jake said as he came into the room and saw the people standing around. His eyes fell on Edward and went cold before flicking

to me; I could see that he was angry. "Why don't you guys go and get a drink while I help Jake find the steak sauce," I said calmly, but I knew that Jake and I were about to have a fight so I was feeling quite anxious. Edward shot me a concerned look before following the others out of the room. Once we were alone Jake walked quickly across the room to me. "What is he doing here?" he demanded as he pointed his finger after the retreating Cullens. "I don't know! Honestly, I didn't invite any of them. Emmett brought them along," I told him as I stroked his arm to try and calm him. "I'm not happy about this," he said in a warning tone. "I know. I'm sorry. Do you want me to ask them to leave?" I asked, hoping he would say no because I knew that it would be hard for me to ask my friends to leave. Jake sighed and pulled me into a hug. "No, I wouldn't ask you to do that," he said, defeated. "I didn't invite him," I whispered again. "It's ok, there are so many people here that I will probably forget he's around anyway. Why did we think this was a good idea?" he chuckled as he let me go and sat down on the couch. "You wanted to invite some of your work friends over and I wanted to have my Dad over and it kind of got out of control," I sighed as I walked over and stood next to him. "Right. Let's not do this again," he said seriously. "Deal," I agreed with a laugh. "How long until you think everyone will leave?" he whispered in a tone that I knew meant that he was having dirty thoughts. "Well, most of them have only just arrived and we haven't even fired up the grill yet," I told him sarcastically. "So a while then?" he asked, pouting and I punched his shoulder

playfully. "A while, yes," I agreed. "Come here you," he said as he reached up and pulled me down into his lap. I giggled and leaned down to kiss him softly but he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest tightly, deepening the kiss. His tongue swirled with mine and he let out a groan as I shifted in his lap. A cough behind us made me jump. I pulled away from Jake's mouth and turned to see Edward standing in the doorway. I felt all the blood rush from my face and my chest hurt from the expression on his face. "Can we help you?" Jake asked, annoyed at being interrupted and double annoyed that it was Edward. "Sorry ahhh, Alice wanted me to ask if you minded if she started getting the food ready?" he asked. His eyes never left mine as he spoke but I could see the pain that he was experiencing; I remembered how it had felt when I saw him kissing Tanya and I immediately stood up and moved away from the couch. I glanced back at Jake and saw that he had folded his arms across his chest and was staring Edward down; this was not good! "Edward why don't you and I go and help her?" I asked him as I walked out of the room and tugged on his shirt from behind so that he would follow me. I knew that Jake would be angry at me but there was no way I was going to leave them alone together. I knew them both well enough to know that neither would back away from a fight. Edward was silent as he walked behind me and I felt terrible for him. It was an odd situation for me because I knew that I hadn't been doing anything wrong by kissing my fianc, it was normal, but I also knew how seeing that would have hurt him. "I'm sorry you saw that," I said when we reached the kitchen.

"It's ok," he said softly with a shrug of his shoulders. "I think I needed to see it." "Why?" I asked shocked. "It made me face reality," he said quickly before moving away from me and helping Alice with the food. "Oh Bella, good, can I use this pineapple juice for Pina Coladas or did you buy it for something special?" she asked as she held up the bottle from the fridge. "You can use it," I said. I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I knew that Jake was mad at me now, Edward was hurting and I had a house full of guests that I needed to entertain. Today sucked! "Do you want one?" Alice called over the sound of the blender. "Huh?" I asked. "A Pina Colada. I'm making real ones for us and a virgin one for Rose," she clarified. "Oh, yeah sounds good," I said with a smile but I was watching Edward carefully, a part of me wondering why he didn't just go home. "Ugh! Reason number forty-seven!" Rose huffed from the barstool she was sitting on. "Reason forty-seven for what?" I asked and both Alice and Edward rolled their eyes and I assumed that they had heard the other forty-six reasons. "Reason forty-seven that I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore! I'm so over this! I want a real cocktail!" she wailed. "Only a few more weeks," Jasper said as he came into the room carrying several empty beer bottles and placing them in the trash. "You don't have to clean up," I told him. "I like to help out," he said with a shrug before placing a kiss on Alice's cheek and taking an armful of cold beer bottles out of the ice and carrying them out to the boys outside.

"I'll go and make sure Emmett's not getting into any trouble," Edward said as he followed Jasper out of the room. "Thanks Edward," Rose called after him as she took a sip of the creamy drink that Alice had just handed her. She grimaced and put the glass down. "It's not the same without the rum," she sighed. I took a sip of my cocktail and felt the burn on the back of my throat and thought that normally I would offer to swap with Rose; I wasn't much of a drinker. But today I knew that I would need it. "Shall we?" Alice asked as she picked up a large platter of food and walked out the door, followed by Jasper and Rosalie. I grabbed the salad bowl and headed towards the door when Emmett walked in and gave me a sheepish smile. "Are you mad at me?" he asked. "No," I told him honestly. "Jake might want to hit you though," I laughed. "I think I can handle him," Emmett chuckled and flexed his large biceps which caused me to giggle as well because as large and intimidating as Emmett was, I knew that he was a gentle man. "Seriously though, what were you thinking Em?" I asked. "I don't know. I guess I didn't really think about it. Edward told me that you guys were going to be friends so when I heard you were having a BBQ I assumed it would be okay for everyone to come," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. I sighed and punched his lightly on the arm. "Do me a favour ok? Next time you want to invite people over can you just let me know first?" "Deal," Emmett said. We shook hands and then walked out to join everyone on the patio. "Thanks Bells," Dad said with a smile as I placed the salad down in the centre of the outdoor table. "I'll get the grill started," Jake said, brushing past me and giving me a meaningful look.

I followed him back into the house but I could see Edward's eyes following me and I hoped he wouldn't try and interrupt us again. "He has to leave," Jake said as soon as we were alone. "Jake," I said calmly, hoping to talk him out of it. "Let's not make a fuss. He's just spending time with his family and some of your work friends; it's not a big deal. He has barely even said anything to me. You don't have to worry," I told him and rubbed his arm. "It's a big fucking deal! He keeps looking at you," he sneered. I rolled my eyes. "In case you hadn't noticed, everyone was looking at me because I was carrying food." Jake shook his head and cupped my face gently with his hands. "He was looking at you," he said again. I had no idea what he meant. But I could tell that arguing with him wasn't going to solve anything. I freed myself from his grasp and pulled open the fridge door, reaching inside and taking out a large plate of meat and handing it to him. "Why don't we just relax and enjoy the party and you can just ignore Edward. He's not doing anything wrong. You can't just kick him out for no reason," I said firmly with my hands on my hips. Jake's nostrils flared and he looked furious but he knew that I was right. It would be rude to throw Edward out with no reason and he didn't want to look bad in front of his new work friends. "Keep him away from me," he said through gritted teeth before walking back outside with the meat. I quickly grabbed the oil, BBQ tongs, and some paper towels before following after him. Once the meat was cooking, most of the guys went to stand around the BBQ and drink beer. I couldn't believe how clich it was and couldn't help but chuckle to myself when I saw my dad, Emmett and Jake right in the middle of the typical male bonding session. I walked over to the table and sat down. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Edward were chatting and laughing together and I felt a little like an outsider. They were all family and I wasn't a part of that anymore. I

picked up my drink and sculled the rest of it before deciding that I should probably go and make another salad and some garlic bread before the meat was ready. I stood up and walked back into the house. My brain was racing. Jake was being so hot and cold; one moment he was furious and then he was all loving and then he would be furious again. I didn't understand it. Was he only intermittedly angry or was he just angry today and the loving times were coming as his way of showing possession over me to Edward? I was very confused. I entered the kitchen and pulled out the French bread stick that was in the fridge as well as the butter and some fresh garlic cloves. I chopped the garlic quickly and mixed it through the butter before slicing the bread stick and buttering it. I placed it in the oven and turned back to the fridge, pulling out vegetables and stacking them on the counter so I could make the salad. I went to the pantry and grabbed an onion and when I turned back around Edward was leaning against one of the stools against the wall. "Hey," he said with a smile. "Hey," I replied and I started ripping the lettuce into small pieces, a little rougher than I normally would have but I was feeling tense and it was a good outlet for me. "I just wanted to come and let you know that I'm sorry if I have caused any trouble between you and Jake," he said as he grabbed a knife out of the knife block on the counter and started slicing one of the tomatoes. "Oh no, we're fine," I said. I could hear the strain in my voice and when Edward cocked an eyebrow at me I knew that he had heard it too. "Ok, well maybe a little. But it's fine." I washed the lettuce and shook the excess water from it before placing it in a large bowl. Edward put his sliced tomatoes in and I started slicing an onion while he grabbed a cucumber. I could feel my eyes tearing up as I sliced the onion. "Sorry about the tears stupid onion," I laughed as I wiped the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand. Edward laughed too as he put his sliced cucumbers into the bowl and I

stirred in the onion. Edward walked behind me and washed his hands in the sink and I grabbed a paper towel to wipe my eyes. "What is going on?" Jake demanded from the doorway. Edward and I both spun around to look at him. "Nothing," I assured him. "We were just making a salad." "Nothing? Then why are you crying?" Jake asked with concern in his voice as he walked over and pulled me into a hug. "What did he say to you?" "I didn't say anything," Edward said, looking confused. "Right, so Bella is just crying for no reason?" Jake asked angrily as he rubbed my back soothingly. I leaned back from him. "Jake, I was just cutting up an onion for the salad. Really, Edward didn't do anything," I assured him. "Right, he's so innocent," Jake said sarcastically. "Is there a problem here?" Edward asked. I could tell that he was getting defensive and I knew that this was not going to end well. "Yes, you are a problem here," Jake said and I rolled my eyes at his immaturity. I pulled out of Jake's grasp and took a step backwards, slipping on a slice of onion that I hadn't realized that I had dropped and falling backwards. I tried to steady myself but it was no use; my arms flailed wildly as I fell. Before I could work out what happened I was back on my feet and leaning against something warm. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw that Edward had caught me and was now standing with his arms around me. "Are you ok?" he asked softly. "Get you hands off her!" Jake roared and I quickly stepped out from between the two men as Jake's fist shot through the air and hit Edward's face. "JAKE!" I screamed in a mixture of shock and anger when I realized

what he had done. "What the hell are you doing?" Before Jake could answer me I saw Edward turn with a furious look on his face and pull his arm back. "Edward, don't!" I said a little too late as he swung his arm and hit Jake in the jaw. Jake grunted and curled over in pain and I thought that was going to be the end of it but then Jake pushed forward and wrapped his arms around Edward's waist, pulling him down onto the floor. I stood looking down at them rolling around on the floor and occasionally getting a punch in. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" I yelled and reached down to pull Jake off of Edward but strong arms clasped around my waist from behind and I saw that Jasper was holding me back. "You'll just get hurt by accident," he said softly as I saw my Dad and Emmett dive into the middle of the kitchen and rip the two fighting men apart. "What is going on here?" Dad yelled, using his policeman voice. Jake shrugged off my father's arms and turned to me. "Are you ok?" he asked. "No, I'm not ok!" I yelled at him and I pushed out of Jasper's arms and stomped down the hall into the bedroom and slammed the door. I could not believe what had just happened; I was furious with both Jake and Edward. I had never seen Jake be physically violent before, or even angry. I always thought of him as such a calm person. I knew that as a police officer he would have to know how to protect himself and he had told me stories of how he had been forced to restrain people before, but I never expected him to just attack someone without provocation. As for Edward, I thought of him as a placid person as well. I had only seen him fight one other time in the ten years that I had known him, it had been shortly after we started dating and he had done it to protect me. 13th May 2000

"What did you think?" Edward asked as we walked out of the cinema. He slung his arm over my shoulder casually and I felt my heart start to beat faster at his touch. "I liked it," I said with a coy smile. "Me too," Edward said eagerly as his fingertips grazed my upper arm. I felt a jolt of electricity pass through me and I snuggled in closer to his side. We had been dating for about a month and despite my better judgement, I was falling head over heels for Edward Cullen. The movie was our sixth official date and we had sat through the whole thing with our knees touching and our hands clasped together. "Hey!" a loud voice called from behind us. Edward and I kept walking, thinking that the guy must be calling after someone else but then I head loud footsteps behind us and Edward looked back over his shoulder curiously. "Wait up," the guy said, breathing heavily from chasing us. Edward stopped walking and I waited with him. "Can I help you with something?" Edward asked the guy when he came level with us. "One sec," the guy said between breaths. "Ahhh, there is a guy back there who was calling after you and I said I'd chase you for him." "What guy?" Edward asked suspiciously. "I don't know him. I was just standing in line for the movie and he was yelling for you to wait but he didn't have anyone to save his place in the line so I left my wife to hold our place and I came after you. It was a big guy tall you know?" he explained. Edward nodded his head and thanked the man before pulling me back towards the cinema. "It must be Emmett," he said. "Do you mind if I wait here?" I asked. "Why?" he queried, his eyebrows shooting up. I didn't want to tell him that my feet were killing me and that if I

walked back down the block I may collapse in agony. I knew that I shouldn't have let Tanya convince me to wear her stilettos to a movie. I came up with a less embarrassing excuse. "I'm not feeling that well, I'll just wait here for you to come back." He looked at me and shook his head. "I'll be fine really, just tell Emmett that we're going home," I assured him. "I'll be two minutes," he said before turning and jogging back to the theatre. I dug around in my purse and pulled out my cell phone and leaned against the nearest wall. I searched through the phone's menu until I got to the games and then started a new game of 'Snake'. Tanya and I had challenged each other to see who could get to the highest level and I knew I could use this few minutes to practice because she was beating me. "That your boyfriend?" the guy who had chased us asked. I looked up confused; I had assumed that he would return to the line with Edward. "Uhhh, yeah?" I said with little conviction. "New boyfriend," the guys said with a smile. "So, it's not serious then. I'm James." "Hi," I said before looking back at my phone and directing the small snake around the screen. James' hand rested on my shoulder and his index finger brushed my neck. "That was rude," he drawled. "Excuse me?" I asked, stepping away from him. "I introduced myself and you didn't tell me your name it was rude. Now, let's try that again. I'm James," he said firmly. "B Bella," I said, taking another step backwards as he stepped towards me. "Bella," he said with a smile. "There, now was that so hard?" I shook my head and looked back over my shoulder to see if there was anyone else around, surely some of the people in the movie we had

just seen would be hanging around. The street was empty and I felt panic start to bubble in my chest. "Where are you running to?" James asked and when I looked back towards him, he was standing right in front of me and his hands grasped my shoulders firmly. I struggled against him but he wouldn't let go. Up close he smelled of beer and cigarettes and I silently prayed that Edward would bring Emmett back with him and James would walk away. James was stepping forward and forcing me to stumble backwards until I was pressed against the wall and I opened my mouth to scream. "Uh uh, none of that," he said as he clamped his hand over my mouth. "I don't want to hurt you," he whispered against my ear before his moist lips pressed against my neck and he pushed his body hard against mine. I felt tears starting to run down my cheeks when suddenly James was gone. I opened my eyes and saw James and Edward circling each other, both with furious looks on their faces. "What the fuck are you doing?" Edward yelled. "Just lookin' after your girl," James taunted with a large grin. Edward scowled and launched himself at James. I stared on, horrified as Edward's fist made contact with James' jaw and I heard a loud crack before James screamed in pain and blood sprayed on my left shoe. "Edward, don't!" I yelled and he turned to me, a startled look on his face as if he had forgotten that I was there. His expression instantly changed to concerned and he ran over to me. "Are you ok?" he asked as he pulled me into a hug and stroked his fingers through my hair. "I'm fine can we just go?" I pleaded. "Yeah," Edward said as he looked back over his shoulder at James who was jogging back towards the cinema.

As soon as James' retreating form turned the corner I relaxed and ran my fingers gently over Edward's knuckles as we walked to his car. I could see the bruise forming under his skin and I looked up into his eyes. I had never seen Edward angry before; it was a completely different side of him and it scared me a little. ***** I lay down on my bed and pulled a pillow over my head. I couldn't believe that Jake and Edward had just been in a physical fight over me. It seemed so juvenile and ridiculous. I knew that Jake was at fault, he had hit first and had no real provocation but I couldn't be angry at him because I knew how much stress he had been under and how Edward being here had made him be defensive and possessive. I understood it but I did not approve of his behavior. I could hear talking and doors closing and I knew that people were leaving. I hated being a drama queen but I didn't feel like I could face Jake or Edward right then and I knew that our friends would understand. I stood up and walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back so I could peek outside. Several of the cars had already gone and I saw Alice, Jasper and Edward getting into Alice's car. Edward was looking back the house with a concerned look and I knew that he was worried about me. I shook my head and wondered why I had yelled at Jake and then run away. I thought about that for a minute and then realized that it was what I did, I always ran. If any problem came up I would run from it. I walked towards the bedroom door with a newfound determination as I decided that running hadn't helped me in the past so I would try and face the issue head on. I opened the bedroom door and walked through the house. I was surprised to see that it was empty. Had everyone left? Where was Jake? I walked into the kitchen but it also was empty, so I headed out into the backyard and I saw Jake there cleaning the grill. I slid open the door and stepped out onto the patio. "Hey," I said as I walked over to him. "Hey," he said sadly with his back to me as he continued to scrub

down the hot-plate. "What happened in there?" I asked as I sat on one of the outdoor chairs and curled my knees up to my chest. Jake sighed loudly and spun to face me. I could see the beginnings of a black eye and I shook my head; Edward probably had the same thing. "I'm sorry" Jake started but I cut him off. "Don't apologize; just tell me what was going on," I told him. "I don't know what happened," he started. "I walked into the kitchen and you were alone with him and you were crying and I just lost it." I was silent for a moment, looking at the sadness in his eyes and I could really tell that he was remorseful. "Are you injured?" I asked. "A bit of a sore jaw and my knuckles are swollen," he said softly. I ran my fingers lightly down his jaw but pulled back when he winced at my touch. "I'll apologize to Edward," he sighed. I could tell that he wasn't happy about the prospect of apologizing and I didn't expect him to do it, it was enough for me that he had offered to do it. "I'll get that," I said as the phone rang inside. I stood up and walked through the house to the phone in the study. "Hello?" I asked. "Bella, are you ok?" Edward's voice asked, sounding relieved. "Edward?" I asked, unsure how he had gotten my new phone number. "Yeah, Alice gave me your number, I hope that's ok," he said sheepishly. "Oh yeah it's fine. But what were you going to do if Jake answered?"

I asked. He was silent for a moment and then I heard a soft chuckle. "Hang up," he admitted. I rolled my eyes at the immaturity but I could certainly understand it. "So, are you okay?" he asked. "Is Jake angry at you?" "I'm fine, we talked about it. He said he was sorry he hit you and he knows that he shouldn't have done it," I explained. "I'm really sorry Edward, are you hurt?" I asked. "I'll probably have a black eye in a few hours but apart from that I'm fine. I was concerned that he would take it out on you after everyone left," Edward admitted. "That would never happen. Jake treats me really well, there's no need to worry," I told him, a little insulted that he thought Jake might hurt me. "Okay, well I just wanted to check in. I'm glad that you are okay. Will I talk to you soon?" he asked. "Yeah," I agreed but I didn't know when it would be. Now that we had talked about everything and the past was all out in the open, I couldn't see a reason for us to meet up. "Maybe we could have lunch next week? Just as friends" he queried. "I'll let you know," I said vaguely before hanging up. I was going to have to think about Jake's feelings and talk to him about how he really felt about me having a friendship with Edward before I could take it further. It was time for me to be serious about my relationship and think about Jake's needs. His action today had told me that having Edward in my life was going to more of a problem then I had thought. Chapter 11 Goodbye, my love 5th November 2009 ~ Bella ~ "Come in, Alice," I called from the kitchen when I heard a loud knock

on the door. Footsteps echoed down the hallway before Alice's smiling face appeared next to me and her arms wrapped around my waist. "You are going to be a bride," she said happily. I laughed and hugged her back. "I know! Hey Jasper," I said with a smile over Alice's shoulder as I saw him enter the room. He nodded his head to me and sat down on one of the bar stools. "Coffee?" I asked as I switched the percolator on and started taking cups from the cupboard. "I'd love a coffee," Jasper said. "Not for me, I'll just start looking through your magazines," Alice replied as she looked around the counters. "Where are your magazines?" "What magazines?" I asked. Alice gave me a look to let me know that she wasn't impressed. "The BRIDAL magazines so we can plan!" she said, annoyed. I had spoken with Alice the day after the barbeque about her accepting Jake and being supportive of my wedding. Since then she had been much more excited about it and had insisted that she come over this week to start the planning. "I didn't buy any. I've already had a big wedding. Jake and I agreed that we only want a small ceremony," I assured her as I grabbed the milk out of the fridge. Alice scrunched her face up as if she had smelled something bad and then spun around to face Jasper. "Will you be ok here? I'm just going to run to the store, I'll be right back," she asked him. "Sure," he said as I handed him his coffee. "Alice" I started but she cut me off. "We need magazines, Bella. Even if you don't want a big wedding, we still need some inspiration for your dress," she sighed.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat down next to Jasper. "Ok, but don't take too long," I sighed. "Be right back," she sang as she disappeared down the hall and I heard the front door close. Jasper and I sat in silence for a moment as we both drank our coffees. It dawned on me that I was sitting with a practical stranger and I began to feel uncomfortable. I shifted in my seat a little and took another long drink from my cup. "So" Jasper said and our eyes met. We both burst out laughing. "That was one awkward silence," I giggled. "One of the most awkward I've ever had," Jasper agreed. We were silent again for a moment and I started tracing the marks in the marble countertop with my fingers. "I'm sorry about how the party ended when you were here last," I said. Seeing as Jasper and I had only met one time before at that party, it seemed like an appropriate thing to discuss. "Oh, it's fine. It was interesting actually. The whole day I was watching Jake boil and I was wondering if he would be able to hold it inside or if he would blow his top," Jasper said, shifting on his seat so he was facing me. "Really?" I asked. "I knew he was annoyed but I never saw that blowup happening," I admitted. "You were too close to it," he said simply. "I had never met him before but Alice had described the situation to me, so I had a feeling he would be annoyed that Edward was there." "Why was he there?" I asked. Since Edward had called me after the party to ask if I was ok, I hadn't spoken with him. He had tried to call my cell the day before but I hadn't answered it; I didn't know what to say.

"To be honest, I don't think anyone really thought about it. You know the Cullens, they do everything together. So, when Emmett was invited I think it was just natural for them all to come especially since you were involved," he said, nodding his head in my direction and then draining the last of the coffee from his cup. "What do you mean?" I asked. "They all adore you! Alice has talked about you non-stop since you got back into town. You're one of them," he said simply, like it was obvious. "I was," I clarified. "I'm not one of them anymore." "You will always be one of them. Did you know that Edward keeps your wedding photo in his office?" he asked. I nodded my head. "Yes, I had lunch with Edward in his office and I saw it there," I told him. "Carlisle told him that he shouldn't have it there, that he is torturing himself with it, but Edward refused to take it down," Jasper explained. "Carlisle told him to sell the house as well," I said. Jasper nodded as he stood up and went to the sink. He rinsed his cup and placed it on the draining rack before sitting back down next to me. "Before you moved back to town I didn't know much about Edward. Alice and I have been dating for about a year but Edward has always been a mystery to me. He showed up to family dinners, smiled and played the dutiful son, but he was never really there. In the past few weeks I have seen him become a very different person," Jasper told me honestly. I didn't really know what to make of that information. It sounded like Jasper was saying that Edward had withdrawn from his life until I returned and that really shocked me. It was the same thing that I had done when my mother died. Did Edward feel like I had died to him? Or that maybe a part of him had died when I left? That thought made sense and I began to see Edward's behaviour differently. His attempts to talk to me when I first got back into town had overwhelmed me; I had felt like he was asking something of me, wanted something from me when in fact it had been the exact

opposite. He had been trying to give something to me; understanding, explanations and apologies. I felt an ache in my chest at the thought of how much pain Edward must have been in for so long; I had moved on with my life and found love but Edward had gotten stuck in his guilt and had never managed to move past it. Jasper must have noticed the sad expression on my face because his hand fell softly onto my shoulder and he squeezed. "He's happy you are back, they all are," he said with a smile. "I know," I said while nodding my head. "But it must hurt him to see me with Jake." Jasper thought for a moment before hooking his finger under my chin and pulling my gaze up to meet his. "I think he would rather have you in his life than not at all, even with the pain," he told me. "But that is selfish of me," I blurted out. "I can't expect Edward to live with the pain of seeing me with someone else and I can't expect Jake to accept the pain I'm putting him through either. I have to pick one of them," I said, realizing that fact for the first time. I hadn't realized that I was holding my breath until I suddenly started gasping for air. Heat crept over my face and I started to feel a little dizzy. Why was that realization such a shock to me? I hadn't thought it was even a decision. I had left Edward behind a long time ago and thought that it should have been an easy decision to pick Jake. But now, at the thought of saying goodbye to Edward I felt sick. The first time I had walked away from him I had been hurt and angry and I hadn't known the details of what had happened so I assumed the worst. Now that I knew the details, it didn't seem so cut and dry. Edward was important to me, I wanted him in my life and I didn't know if I would be able to give him up even for Jake. Jasper was watching me quietly and when he saw me make eye contact with him he gave me a soft smile. "Follow your heart, it will tell you exactly what to do," he said simply as if he had heard my thoughts. I quickly gulped the last of my coffee and allowed my mind to race.

Jasper sat in silence next to me with his hand gently resting on mine in silent support. It surprised me how comforting it was to have an almost stranger there with me. I knew that he didn't expect anything of me, he didn't have his own agenda in wanting me to pick a certain person; he was there for me. The front door crashed open and footsteps stomped down the hallway. "Stupid small town think we are all hillbillies" Alice muttered to herself as she appeared through the doorway. Jasper stood and kissed her forehead, smoothing her hair. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I couldn't get any bridal magazines in this stupid backwards town," she sighed dramatically. "I'm going to go to Port Angeles tomorrow to buy a few, can we reschedule this planning meeting for next week?" she asked, turning towards me. "Sure," I said, without really listening to her. My mind was still on the choice I was going to have to make. Alice sighed and walked toward me. "I guess we'll get going then, sorry," she said sadly as she gave me a quick hug. "That's ok, next week will be perfect," I assured her. To be honest I was actually a little relieved to postpone the wedding planning, the thoughts in my head in that moment were not congrusive to wedding planning. I walked Alice and Jasper out to Alice's car and gave Jasper a tight hug. "Thank you," I whispered soft enough so that Alice wouldn't hear. He squeezed me tightly in response and gave me a subtle wink as he pulled away. ***** That night when Jake got home from work I was sitting on the couch thinking, in the same spot I had been since Alice and Jasper had left that morning. He walked into the room and smiled at me before sitting next to me and pulling my curled legs out from under me and stretching them across his lap before rubbing the soles of my feet.

I hummed in satisfaction as I leaned back on the arm of the couch and allowed him to massage my foot. That was such a nice gesture to do; it was one of the reasons I loved Jake so much. When my mind wondered if Edward would have done the same thing, I stopped myself and sat up straight, pulling my feet from Jake's grasp. "Are you ok?" he asked concerned. "Yes," I replied a bit harsher than I had meant it. He gave me a confused look. "Can we talk?" I asked him nervously and I saw his face cloud over with worry. He let out a loud sigh and twisted around on the couch so that we were facing each other and reached his hand out to hold mine gently. Another thing that I loved about Jake was how much he loved to touch me; just holding hands was special with him. "Are you still upset about what happened at the party?" he asked. "No, I'm not upset. But it did make me think," I explained. Jake nodded and cocked his head to side as if silently prompting me to continue. "What do you want?" I asked bluntly. "What?" Jake asked confused. I shook my head slightly to try and organize my thoughts and took a deep breath to calm myself. "I have been unfair to you since we moved here. I have been reconnecting with people and I know that it hurts you. I guess what I'm asking is, is it ok with you if I have a friendship with Edward?" I asked. Jake looked me directly in the eyes and held my gaze. "I want you to be happy," he answered. "I know," I said and squeezed his hand in gratitude. "But what do you want?"

Jake sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "If I had my choice then, no, you wouldn't have any contact with Edward or his family. But I would never ask you to give up people that are important to you. I'm fine, really. I know I overreacted the other night but I promise it won't happen again," he assured me. "I want you to be happy too! If me seeing Edward is going to hurt you, or damage our relationship then I need you to tell me," I pushed. "Its fine baby, I promise," he assured me and leaned forward and kissed my lips gently. "Are you sure?" I asked. "As long as he keeps his hands off you," Jake growled in my ear. ***** 8th November 2009 "Where the fuck is my phone?" I yelled angrily as it rang for the second time. "Where did you leave it?" Jake called unhelpfully from the living room where he was watching sport on TV. I bit my tongue from yelling at him that if I had have known where I had left it, then it wouldn't be lost and just kept searching through the papers piled up on the kitchen bench. The phone stopped ringing and I sighed. Sitting down on the barstool, I let out another long sigh. Everything had gone wrong today; first I had kicked my toe against the tile in the shower and had been hobbling around all morning, then the coffee machine broke down and now I had missed two calls on my phone because it had been misplaced. My ringtone sounded again and I groaned loudly before searching the counters again. I felt the bowl of fruit vibrating against my arm and pulled out two bananas to see my phone lying in the bowl. "What the fuck?" I yelled loudly before pulling the phone out and answering the call. "Hello?" I said angrily.

"Is this a bad time?" a smooth voice said through the phone. "Edward!" I said loudly in shock and I heard Jake groan from the living room. "Hey," he said and I could tell he was smiling. "Sorry, I had lost my phone and I was frustrated because I couldn't find it," I explained. "Ahhh, this is the third time I have tried to call," he said. "Oh really? Desperate for me were you?" I joked but then went silent when I realized how that would have come across to Edward. He cleared his throat and ignored my statement. "I actually need to talk to you today. It's quite urgent," he said seriously. "What is everything ok?" I asked. "Can we meet up tonight?" he asked instead of answering my question and I became very nervous. "Sure. When?" I asked urgently. Edward was silent for a moment and my heart started beating at a panicked rate. What was so hard for him to tell me that we had to meet today? "Can you meet me in an hour?" he asked softly. "At our place." I couldn't help the few tears that dripped down my cheeks. What could he possibly have to tell me that was urgent and required the sentimentality of our private place? "I'll be there," I whispered and Edward hung up the phone without saying goodbye. I put the phone down, the anger I had felt before at finding the phone in the fruit bowl completely gone. I took a few deep breaths and then went into the living room. Jake was sitting stiffly on the couch, watching the game with a scowl. "What did he want?" he asked without looking away from the TV.

"He wants to talk to me, he said it was urgent," I explained. "I'm sure it is," Jake said sarcastically. After hearing the distress is Edward's voice I wasn't in the mood to fight with Jake, so I just walked out of the room and got changed into some comfortable jeans and a warm sweater before pulling on my running shoes and grabbing my coat out of the closet. "I'm going to meet Edward, I'll be back later," I called as I walked down the hallway and out the front door. I knew that I still had a while before I had to meet Edward but it was just starting to get dark and I always missed the turnoff to the clearing in the forest at night, so I wanted to get there as soon as I could. It would also allow me to sit for a while and calm myself down before Edward arrived. As I drove through the centre of town and out towards the highway, I tried to work out what he could need to tell me so urgently and by the time I pulled off the highway and had parked the car, I had come up with several ideas. The first and most worrying was that he or a member of his family was very ill, next was that something had happened to Rosalie's baby, maybe Alice and Jasper had broken up but that seemed unlikely. In my gut I was going with the thought that one of the Cullens was sick. I climbed out of the car and walked through the trees until I came to the familiar clearing and made my way over to the fallen log. As I climbed up and settled against a branch I heard twigs cracking and looked up to see Edward appear from between the trees. "You're early," he said when he saw me. "So are you," I said as he approached and climbed up on the log next to me. I did a quick scan of him; he was thin but not unhealthy, his skin looked like it had a good color and his cheeks weren't sunken in. He didn't appear to be sick so I relaxed a little. "Thanks for coming," he said softly. "What's going on?" I asked as I picked at the moss on the log.

I was feeling extremely nervous and I could feel my heart beating in my chest. "I'm leaving," he said simply and watched my face closely for any sign of emotion. I tried to put his words together but they weren't making sense in my head. "I I don't understand," I said. "I put the house up for sale and I contacted a friend of mine in Chicago he's allowing me to join his clinic. I'm moving to Chicago," he clarified. Again, the words that he was saying were swimming in my head and I didn't know what to say. Edward was leaving town? "Why?" I asked. "I got a hard jolt of reality the other day and I spent hours thinking about it that night. When I saw" he took a deep breath, "when I saw you and Jake kissing, it really hit me for the first time that you were with someone else. You looked so happy and comfortable with him and it made me realize that I lost my chance with you. Then when Jake hit me I saw just how much my being in your life would affect your relationship with him and while a part of me rejoices at the thought of that, a bigger part of me just wants you to be happy. So, when I got home I sat up all night thinking and the next day I called the estate agent and listed the house for sale and made the call to my friend." I nodded my head slowly, making sure I understood everything he had said before I responded. "When?" I got out before I felt the tears start to come and I bit my lip to try and stop from crying. "I leave tomorrow," he said softly. "That's why I needed to talk to you urgently today. I have been putting it off all week and I've now run out of time. I wanted to tell you in person instead of just disappearing." When he spoke the last words I cringed, knowing that I hadn't given him that same courtesy when I had left town. I was grateful that he was showing me the respect of saying goodbye in person. I reached

out and gripped his hand tightly. I hadn't seen Edward in five years and had only been reacquainted with him for a few weeks, much of which I spent trying to avoid him, but having him back in my life had shown me how much I still cared about him and the thought of him leaving town was painful. My chest was burning with pain and I could feel the tears steaming down my face. "You don't have to go," I sobbed. "I spoke to Jake and he is ok with us being friends." Edward sighed and looked up at me with a half smile. "I'm not ok with it. I love you Bella. I am always going to love you and while I honestly do want you to be happy, I can't watch it happen with someone else," he admitted. The pain in my chest intensified and I honestly didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't deny his reasoning, I understood it. I knew that he was doing the mature thing, what was best for both of us, but it didn't make it hurt any less. "I don't want you to go," I whispered between sobs. Edward reached his hand under my chin and lifted it so that I was looking into his sparkling green eyes. "Ask me to stay and I will," he whispered. "Tell me you want to be with me and I'm yours." I wrapped my arms around my body to try and hold myself together. I could feel myself shaking as I rocked on the spot. There was a part of me that wanted to jump into Edward's arms and beg him to stay but the part of me that loved Jake was holding back. I couldn't hurt him I wouldn't. Slowly I shook my head and my tears came harder than before because I knew that in saying no, I was saying goodbye to Edward. I looked down at the ground so I wouldn't see the pain on his face and didn't even try to hold back my tears. I could hear my sobs echoing around the trees but Edward was silent. Slowly I looked up at him to see why he hadn't spoken and found that

he was staring at me with a small smile. "You really love him don't you?" he asked. I nodded my head but I wasn't able to say anything without choking on my tears so I kept my mouth closed. "I really am happy for you Bella. You deserve love," he whispered. "I am going to miss you so much!" I threw my arms around him and pulled him close to my chest, breathing in his scent and trying to hold onto him for as long as I could. "I'm going to miss you," I choked out. We sat for several minutes in silence with our arms wrapped around each other. Neither of us felt the need to speak, we were just being together, maybe for the last time. "I love you Edward," I whispered softly against his neck. It wasn't a declaration or an invitation to stay; it was a fact and my way of saying goodbye. "I love you Bella," he replied and lightly kissed my forehead as he pulled away from me. His hand cupped my face and he ran his thumb over my cheek to wipe the tears that were still running down my cheeks and I noticed that he had tears too. We were both mourning the loss of our relationship; it was five years too late but we were finally having a proper goodbye. "I have some last minute packing to do," Edward whispered. "And you should get home to Jake." I clung onto him tighter, desperate to keep him close so he couldn't leave but I knew that he was right. This was going to be best for us; I would marry Jake and he would begin a new life in Chicago and probably fall in love with a wonderful woman. My heart screamed in pain and fresh tears started to flow down my cheeks. "Come on," Edward encouraged as he climbed down to the ground and pulled me down. He held my hand tightly as we walked back to our cars. I allowed him to pull me along but with every step closer to the

cars I knew I was also one step closer to saying goodbye and I hated each step that we took. Way too soon we were standing next to my car and Edward was brushing a strand of hair away from my face before cupping my cheek with his hand. "You are so beautiful," he said softly before leaning down and very gently brushing his lips against mine. It wasn't a lingering kiss or a passionate kiss. It was a feather light brush of his lips that ended as quickly as it happened. Edward's eyes were closed and a small smile spread over his mouth as he pulled away from me. "Have a wonderful life, Isabella Marie Swan," he whispered in my ear. My tears were flowing uncontrollably now and I could feel my whole body was shaking. I wanted to tell him something profound, something encouraging, but I couldn't get anything out except loud sobs that echoed around us in the trees. "Be safe" he whispered as he squeezed my hand and then released me and took a step back. My whole body screamed for him to come closer but I held my ground. I owed Jake my loyalty and I was not going to betray him, no matter how much I wanted to. Edward walked backwards away from me, keeping his eyes locked on mine the entire time until he reached his car. He fumbled in his pockets and pulled his keys free, unlocking the doors and turning back to me for one last look. I mustered all the strength I had to pull my mouth into a weak smile. It must have looked pitiful with the tears streaming down my face but I wanted his last memory of me to be with a smile. He returned my smile with a sad smile of his own and climbed inside his car, starting the engine. I watched as he slowly reversed his car and went to pull out onto the highway. My heart was racing and the tears were flowing uncontrollably but I managed to keep the smile on my face for him. As he gave me one last look I raised my hand and forced a small wave. I saw a tear run down his cheek before his car quickly pulled out onto the highway and Edward drove out of my life.

As the tail lights of his car disappeared into the night, I allowed my grief to overwhelm me. I fell to the ground and cried, loudly. It wasn't pretty crying, it was true heart wrenching agony. I wasn't sure how long I lay on the ground; I cried until I had no tears left. Slowly, I wiped my eyes and stood up. I climbed back into my car and drove back to my house. I sat out in the driveway for a minute taking deep breaths to calm myself before I had to face Jake. The house was dark but that didn't mean that Jake wasn't sitting in the bedroom reading with a lamp or watching TV with the lights off, so I climbed out of the car and walked slowly up to the front door. I stepped on something as I reached the front door and I looked down at my feet to see that I was standing on an envelope. I reached down and picked it up; it had my name written on the front so I pulled it open and peeked inside. There was a folded piece of paper and something that was making a jingling sound. I pulled the paper out first and read the three words that were written in Edward's scrawled hand writing Goodbye, my love. I tipped up the envelope and watched as two gold rings fell out into my palm. I stared down at my engagement and wedding rings. I felt my bottom lip begin to tremble but I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I wasn't going to allow myself to cry in front of Jake so I forced myself to hold it together. I put the rings back in the envelope along with the note and shoved it into my handbag; I would deal with my feelings about the rings later. What I did know was that if Edward was giving them back to me then he was leaving me behind for good. I opened the door and walked quietly into the dark house, making my way to the bedroom. I walked into the room silently and undressed quickly before slipping into bed next to a sleeping Jake. He didn't wake up but must have sensed me next to him as he rolled over and flung his arm over me, pulling me close to his chest.

Chapter 12 Love You More 26th November 2009

~ Bella ~ "Ugh, I can't eat another bite," Dad sighed as he lay back on the couch. "That was delicious, Bells." "I'm glad you enjoyed it," I said flatly as I cleared the plates from the table and carried them into the kitchen. "Has she been any better?" Dad whispered but I could hear him clearly. Jake sighed. "No, she's been distant ever since he left town." "Don't worry, she'll come around. She was like this after her mother died and she came out of. Just give her some time," Dad whispered back. I slammed the plates down on the bench and took a few deep breaths. I hated that they were talking about me like I was some broken child who had disappointed them. I couldn't help how I felt. I hadn't wanted to come back to Forks in the first place and then Edward was thrust back into my life without my permission and then he had just up and walked out. I thought it was quite reasonable to be feeling confused. And I resented the fact that my father was comparing my behavior now to how I had been after Mom had died. I was in mourning then and it was that behavior that had caused me to lose Edward in the first place. I had withdrawn completely from everyone. I hadn't withdrawn now; I was still spending time with Alice and Rose and I had even had lunch with Angela a few days ago. I was also looking into going to Community College and finding a career. My sexlife with Jake was still on track and I didn't think I had been neglecting him at all; I couldn't understand what I could be doing that made them both think that I was distant. "Everything alright in there Bells?" Dad called out. "Yes, I'm fine," I called back before turning on the faucet and rinsing the plates off and stacking them in the dishwasher. Once the dishes were being washed, I took the cherry pie I had prepared that afternoon out of the oven and sat it on the bench to cool

while I took out some bowls and spoons. "Do I smell pie?" Dad yelled out. I walked into the living room and stood with my hands on my hips. "Yes, but you just said you couldn't eat another thing," I teased. "Bella, there is always room for pie!" he said in mock horror. "Just so you know babe, I will always have room for pie as well," Jake said with a smile. Rolling my eyes at them, I went back into the kitchen and served up the pie with ice-cream. We ate in almost silence with Dad and Jake giving each other knowing looks, and the more they stayed silent the angrier I became and so I stayed silent too. When I finished eating my pie I carried my plate into the kitchen and washed the bowl, leaving it to drain and I walked down the hall to the bedroom. I knew I was being moody but I didn't appreciate being spoken about behind my back and I didn't want to be fake and pretend that I didn't know it was happening. I thought about going and confronting them about it but decided to get some sleep and calm down and I would talk to Jake in the morning. I quickly changed into my pyjamas and climbed into bed, reaching to the nightstand for my book. After about an hour of being lost in my fantasy world where aliens had taken over the Earth, I heard the bedroom door open. I looked up from the pages of my book and saw Jake staring at me, an empty look on his face. I looked back down at my book and kept reading. I didn't feel like talking right now because I was still angry at him. Jake changed into a pair of old sweats and climbed into bed, pulling a pillow over his face and rolling away from me. "Good night," I said softly but he didn't reply. I slept restlessly that night and woke before the sun had risen. Jake was sprawled out across the bed and snoring loudly so I snuck out of the room and quickly showered before deciding to go for a walk.

The streets were empty and it was still dark; it was like walking through a ghost town. I walked a few blocks down to the twenty-four hour diner and bought myself a coffee and sat down to read the newspaper. It was quite nice to have the whole place to myself. I took a deep breath and inhaled the delicious scents coming from the kitchen. It smelled like they were cooking bacon. After the waitress came by and refilled my coffee cup, a few people started filing into the dining area and I could see that it was starting to get light outside. I waved the waitress over and ordered a tall stack of pancakes. I wasn't sure why but I had this feeling in my stomach like I shouldn't go home. I ate my pancakes in silence and thought about Edward. I hadn't heard from him since he'd left three weeks ago, not even a message to let me know he'd landed safely in Chicago. The only reason I knew that he had made it there was because I had asked Alice. I thought again about how he had left the rings for me in an envelope on the doorstep and I felt tears start to prickle the corners of my eyes. For years I hadn't known that he had kept the rings but now that I knew he had, the fact that he had given them back was heartbreaking. He had really let me go. Refusing to cry in public, I searched through my bag for a tissue and quickly wiped my eyes before leaving some money on the table and heading home. I walked slowly, watching the clouds turn from pink to white as the sun made its way higher into the sky. It was going to be a rare sunny day in Forks. As I approached my house I felt an uneasy sensation in my stomach. I didn't know where it was coming from or why it was there but I couldn't shake it. I walked up to the door and let myself in. There was a suitcase by the door and I could hear banging coming from the bedroom. I ran down the hall and into the bedroom to see Jake pulling things from his side of the closet. I stood and stared at him in shock and he turned when he heard me gasp loudly. His face was clouded with sadness and tears appeared in his eyes when he looked at me. "Wh what are you doing?" I asked softly, afraid of his answer. Jake sighed and sat down on the bed, surrounded by his belongings.

"I'm going back to Portland," he said softly, looking at the floor. I started shaking my head quickly and my arms automatically wrapped around my body. "No," I breathed out. "You can't." Tears started running down my cheeks and I couldn't hold back the loud sobs that echoed around the room. "Jake, NO!" I said louder. "Bella," he whispered and I noticed he also had tears running down his cheeks. "Can I ask you a question?" I nodded my head but kept my arms wrapped tightly around my body. "Is our relationship a way for you to bide time?" he asked, looking me directly in the eye. "I have a right to know!" I could feel my mouth drop open in shock. "What?" I asked. "Well, obviously you still have deep feelings for Edward. Are you just with me until he proves himself to be good enough for you again?" he asked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did Jake honestly believe that I was waiting for Edward? "I chose you!" I said loudly. "When Edward left he told me that he would stay if I asked him to; I told him to go. I picked you!" "I just don't think you are done with him," Jake said, shaking his head. "He's all around you all the time." "I am done with him, he's GONE!" I yelled. "And if he was here?" Jake asked. I opened my mouth to speak but hesitated a second too long and Jake nodded his head sadly and started shoving his clothes into the suitcase on the bed. "I picked you, and I would again, even if he was here now," I said firmly and took a few steps towards him. "Ok, then tell me that you're not in love with him," Jake said as he turned around and made eye contact again. "Jake, what I had with Edward is over" I started but he cut me off.

"Tell me you don't love him," he emphasized and I could see that he was squeezing the shirt in his hand very tightly. I shook my head slowly and sat down on the bed. I couldn't say that I didn't love Edward because I did, I always would. I started to cry again and covered my face with my hands. I felt the bed sink down next to me and Jake's arm slide around me as he pulled me to rest my head on his shoulder. "Shhhh, don't cry," he said. "It's understandable that you still love him. You can't help that there are feelings there." I nodded my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I'm sorry if I pushed you into a relationship you weren't ready for," he whispered. "I could tell that you hadn't healed fully; I was just so in love with you that I wanted to make you mine." "I am yours," I said softly. "No, you're not. A part of you wants to be, but you still belong to him. I can feel it," he explained. "He's in your heart." I couldn't deny what he was saying. I wanted to tell him he was wrong but what he was saying was exactly how I felt. "I'm the safe option for you Bella. I'm the guy that you can always depend on, who will never hurt you," he said. I nodded my head to let him know that I agreed that he would never hurt me. "But I don't want to be that!" he explained. "I want you to feel passion for me; I need you to be consumed by me." I couldn't speak. I was crying openly now at his words. Everything he was saying was the truth and as much as I wanted to deny it all and profess my undying love for him, I couldn't. I did love him, but not in the way he was saying. "I can't handle being your second choice. I can't be your rebound. I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love you" he said, trailing off at the end. I nodded my head but couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I knew

that this was the end, we were over. My whole world started spinning and I reached out and took his hand to ground myself. Jake was silent now and just rubbed my back soothingly while I cried. I didn't want him to leave but he was right, he did deserve to have someone who would love him passionately, someone who would be totally in love with him, with no baggage. "I I need you to know that I want to want you like that," I choked out between sobs. "I know you do sweetheart," Jake whispered as he pulled me into a tight hug. "You have no idea how badly I want that," I sobbed. I pulled out of the hug and cupped my hands to either side of his face, looking into his big brown eyes. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, he surrendered to me and both of our eyes closed as our lips touched. The kiss started gently, our lips moving against each others and slowly his arms around me tightened and he was pulling me tightly against his chest and the kiss intensified. His tongue moved into my mouth and I sucked on it before gently biting his bottom lip. He moaned softly and his hands moved up into my hair, keeping me tight against his body. We both knew this was the last kiss we would share and we were putting our all into it. When I couldn't go without air for a second more I pulled my lips away and we both gasped between peppering light kisses on each other lips. "I love you," I whispered and he smiled at me. "Love you more," he replied, the way he always had, but this was the first time that I knew he was right. I looked down at the diamond ring on my finger and sighed sadly. I held my hand out to him and he nodded at me with sorrow in his eyes. His fingers hesitated before gently grasping my palm in one hand and sliding the engagement ring off my finger with the other. We were over.

***** 21st December 2009 "What do you want to do for Christmas?" Dad asked. "Nothing," I sighed as I pushed the food around on my plate. "We have to do something Bells, it's Christmas!" Dad said. "I'm not a huge fan of Christmas," I told him. Ever since the last Christmas I had spent with Edward when I had found out about Tanya, I had tried to avoid anything Christmassy. "Please , Bells?" Dad asked. I sighed. "I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate," I told him honestly. "What are you talking about?" Dad asked. "You are loved and wanted and are a good person." "I'm not wanted," I said softly. "Edward didn't want me back then and he doesn't want me now, and Jake left." "Edward wanted you," Dad said softly. "No, he never came after me, never tried to find me. That is the one thing that I never understood. He professed to have loved me all these years but he never tried to find me," I said, exasperated. Dad shuffled in his seat and cleared his throat. "What aren't you telling me?" I asked. "He did try to find you. After you moved back in with me he came to the house a few times to talk to you but I wouldn't let him into the house. He begged me saying that you weren't answering his calls and that he needed to talk to you but I told him that if you didn't answer his calls then that meant you didn't want to talk to him," he informed me. I stared at Dad in shock. How had I never known that Edward had come to the house? I knew that I had ignored his calls but I didn't think he had tried anything other than phoning me.

"And after you left" Dad said, trailing off. "What? What happened after I left?" I asked eagerly. Edward had alluded to doing something to find me but had refused to tell me what it was, maybe now I would get some answers. "Well, about two months after you left he came by the house again. Had a big bunch of roses and he was all dressed up in a suit," he started. I ate up his words eagerly, needing to hear something to make me feel like someone wanted me. Having both of the men in my life walk out on me at the same time had been a major blow to my self esteem and Dad's words were like music to my ears. "He asked to see you and when I told him you had left town well, I've never seen a more broken man, Bells. He was destroyed. I kinda felt bad for the kid," Dad said with a chuckle. "Tell me?" I asked. "I don't know. I didn't really want to watch him too much, my main concern was for you but, all I know is that I have never seen a man look more devastated. He left the roses and walked away. I heard news around town that he had gone to Seattle looking for you but I didn't hear much after that." I nodded my head as I listened to his words. So, Edward had tried to find me. I had expected to find that comforting but all it did was reinforce the fact that he had let me go now. He had been willing to fight for me then but now he had given up hope. "When I took the divorce papers around to his house I'd never seen him look so bad. His house was dark inside and he was unshaven and skinnier than I'd ever seen him, not to mention the huge bags under his eyes; didn't look like the kid had slept in weeks. I'll never forget it," Dad said as he shook his head at the memory. I wondered how I looked right in that moment. I looked sideways into the reflection on the blank TV screen and saw that my hair was hanging limply around my shoulders and my skin was sallow and pale; I also had bags under my eyes and frown lines around my lips. I decided that I had to pull myself out of it; I had gotten through

worse than this before. I had lived through losing my mother and my husband and I knew I was strong enough to get through losing Jake. I made the decision to let go of the past and to start my life fresh. I was going to be a new Bella and I was going to live my life how I wanted to live it. "Ok Dad, but nothing big. Just you and me and a turkey. How does that sound?" I offered. "Perfect," Dad said with a smile. The next few days were spent shopping for food for Christmas dinner and a perfect gift for Dad. The day before Christmas I had an idea for how to start my new life and I headed into the Forks Library to get on the internet and do some research. ***** 25th December 2009 ~ "This is delicious, thanks Bells," Dad said as he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his belly. "You're a great cook." "Thanks Dad," I said as there was a knock on the door and we both looked at each other confused. "Did you invite anyone?" I asked suspiciously. "No," Dad replied as I stood up and went to answer the door. As soon as the door was opened I was wrapped in a huge hug and I could hear Alice squealing in the background. "You're leaving town?" she yelled at me. Emmett let me go and walked into the house to talk to my Dad. When he had moved out of my line of view I saw that Alice, Rosalie and Jasper were all gathered on my doorstep. It was lightly snowing and the air was freezing so I quickly ushered them into the house. "Yes, I'm moving," I told Alice. I wondered how she had known that I was leaving but didn't think too much of it because Forks was a small town and I had been looking at apartment listings in the public library; someone was sure to have seen it.

We all walked into the dining room and saw Emmett sitting with Dad and drinking one of the beers from my fridge that Jake had left behind; I hadn't been able to throw it out. "Just wait 'til after New Years! You have to party with us!" Alice begged. "Just a few weeks!" Rose agreed. "The baby is due in February and I'd love for you to be here!" I laughed. "If I listen to you two there will always be a reason for me to stay and I'll never go," I said. "Exactly!" Alice cheered happily. "I'm going. I have to find myself, work out who Bella Swan is," I said. "That's deep!" Emmett called from across the room and Rose rolled her eyes at him. "Promise you'll come home when I have the baby?" she asked. "Nothing would keep me away," I assured her. "Seattle is only four hours away." "Humph!" Alice groaned as she folded her arms across her chest. Jasper was smiling at me and he nodded his head towards the kitchen and I followed him out of the room. "You took my advice," he said. I thought for a moment and then frowned. "Well, it didn't work very well for me. I listened to my heart like you said and chose to stay with Jake, and he left me," I accused. "Jake wasn't what your heart wanted," he said simply. I was confused. I thought again about what my heart could have wanted and then I smiled. Jasper nodded his head and pulled me into a hug when he knew I had worked it out. "I needed to find myself," I whispered. Jasper didn't say anything, he just hugged me tighter. "Merry

Christmas," he said softly. "Merry Christmas," I replied. And wherever they were, I hoped that Edward and Jake were having a merry Christmas too. ***** 31st December 2009 ~ I looked at the half empty bookcase and smiled. It was mine. It dawned on me that I had never had anything that was mine before, I had always shared things with Edward or Jake, but now; this whole apartment and everything in it were mine. I had been extremely lucky to have found a community college that could fit me into their mid-year enrolment; I'd have some catching up to do but I didn't mind. I had also managed to find a cute one bedroom apartment only a few blocks from campus and Alice had pulled a few strings with her boss and gotten me a part time job with the head office of her company. It wasn't exciting work to be a filing clerk, but they said they would be flexible with my hours so I could attend classes and I needed the money so I was happy. It was a fresh start. I looked at the bookcase again and nodded my head in satisfaction. It was practically empty except for the few text books that I had bought earlier in the day but I had made myself a goal that I was going to buy myself one book a week and I hoped that by the end of the year I would have a full book case. A loud ringing noise made me jump and it took me a second to realize that it was my phone. I had just had the line installed today and wasn't expecting any calls, the only people who had my number were Dad and Alice, and Dad had called me about an hour ago to wish me a Happy New Year before he headed into work for the night shift. "Hello Alice," I said with a smile. "I have a surprise for you!" she squealed into the phone. "What?" I asked, just as there was a knock on the door. "Are you here?"

I ran over and opened the door with a huge smile on my face but felt instantly disappointed to see a Chinese man standing there. "Hang on a second Ali, my food just arrived," I said as I ran to get my purse to pay the delivery man. After I had paid for the food and closed the door I made my over to my new couch and sat down. "Tell me that you're not going to be sitting home by yourself all night," Alice said horrified. "Ok, I'm not," I said with a laugh. "Liar," she accused. "I have Chinese food and I'm going to watch the fireworks on TV, I'll be fine," I promised. "So, what's my surprise?" I asked. "Jasper and I will be coming to Seattle in three weeks for a concert!" she squealed. "That's great! I can't wait to see you," I said happily. I had wondered if it would be hard for me to still be friends with Edward's family but it felt really natural. Alice and I had a silent understanding that neither of us would bring him up, and it worked well for us. "Ok, well I just wanted to tell you that, and try out your new phone number and wish you a Happy New Year," she said, sounding a bit sad at the end. "Oh, do you like your new apartment?" "I do! I really love it," I said with a smile as I looked around the modest apartment that I now called home. It wasn't anything fancy and it was small, but it was mine. When I had first moved to Portland I had my own apartment but I was in such a state of grief that I never allowed myself to think of it as home; it was where I lived, my hideaway from the world, but it wasn't my home. "You've only been there two days! You can't love it!" Alice protested. "Well, I do," I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

I couldn't explain it but I felt like my new life was going to be wonderful. I was enrolled in school and would be starting classes in a few weeks; I had a job and my own apartment. Life was good. "Oh Jasper's ready to go, we're going to a party. Have a good night and we'll see you soon!" Alice said and then hung up the phone. I placed the handset down on the coffee table and picked up one of the boxes of food and grabbed some chopsticks, shovelling a heap of honey-soy noodles into my mouth. I flicked through the TV channels until I came across the live broadcast from Times Square and settled in for the night. I ate as much food as I could and carried the left overs into the kitchen to put away in the fridge when there was another knock at the door. My first thought was that it was Alice, calling earlier to make sure I was here and that she was surprising me but I doubted that she would have been able to keep a secret like that, so I cautiously walked to the front door. I pulled it open only a crack and peeked outside. There, standing in the hallway, was Edward. I pulled the door all the way open and stared at him in shock. He was wearing a shy smile and his hair was all plastered down on his head and his shirt was drenched; it must have been raining outside. "Edward?" I asked shocked and I couldn't be sure that my eyes were seeing correctly. "Hey," he said with a smile. "Ccome in," I stuttered and moved to the side so he could come in. He pulled off his wet coat and hung it on my coat-rack by the door and nervously ran his hands through his wet hair. "Oh would you like a towel?" I asked. "Thanks," he replied and I quickly got him a clean towel from the linen closet and he dried his hair off quickly. As he rubbed the towel through his hair I couldn't help but to stare at his chest. The wet material of the white cotton t-shirt was clinging in all the right places and I felt my breathing catch in my throat as the

almost see-through material pulled tight and one of his nipples was visible through the shirt. "Can we sit?" he asked. I nodded my head and we walked over to the couch, sitting next to each other nervously. "What are you doing here? Wait how did you know I was here?" I questioned. "Alice," he said simply and I nodded my head in understanding. "I promised Alice and Jasper that I would come home for New Years Eve because I had missed Christmas, and the first thing Alice said to me when she walked into the room was that Jake had left you and you had moved to Seattle on your own," he admitted. "I didn't know what to do and she convinced me to drive to Seattle and see you; she gave me your new address and practically shoved me out the door," he explained. I knew Alice had been planning something! "I'm sorry about Jake," he added and reached out and took my hand. His thumb rubbed over the base of my ring finger where my engagement ring had sat and I looked down into my lap. "Are you ok?" he asked. "I'm dealing, starting fresh," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "I still think about him a lot." Edward nodded his head slowly. "He was a good guy." "Yes," I agreed. "But it wasn't right. We both knew it but we fought to stay together as long as we could." Edward sighed and leaned back on the couch. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I came here," he admitted. "It's ok," I assured him. "How is life in Chicago?" I asked. Edward got a sheepish look on his face and gave me a weak smile.

"I never moved to Chicago," he admitted. "You were in Forks that whole time?" I asked loudly. "No, I did leave, but I didn't go to Chicago. I moved here to Seattle," he explained. "Why did you lie?" I demanded. "I'm sorry Bella; I just needed a clean break. It was so hard for me to walk away from you and if I thought that there was any chance that you would come with me I would have taken it and I didn't want to ruin your life with Jake, so I said Chicago because I knew you wouldn't move that far from home. I'm sorry," he said. I processed what he had said. A part of me felt like I should be angry, but he hadn't lied to hurt me and the truth was that I was happy we now lived in the same city. Not to mention that since my father had told me how Edward had searched for me I had been feeling very forgiving of him. "It's ok; you did what you needed to do to look after yourself. I understand that," I said. He smiled at me and cocked his head to the side as if he had just thought of something. "You know, we are very different people than we were when we were a couple," he said. "Yes, we are," I agreed, unsure where he was going. "But, my feelings for you haven't changed. I'm still in love with you," he admitted. "Me too," I said with a shy smile. In that moment everything became clear to me. I wanted Edward. It didn't matter what our past had been, that was over. We had both moved past it and were different people. I was much stronger and more independent than I had been and Edward had matured and learned from his mistakes. "I forgive you," I blurted out and Edward looked at me curiously. "Huh?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and felt electricity coursing through my body from excitement; I felt that this was right. "Sorry, that was a bit blunter than I meant it to be. Let me start again We have both moved on from the past, it's behind us and we are different people now. I think we fit together better now than we did when we were married," I said honestly. Edward was looking at me with wide eyes and he slowly shook his head. "No," he said softly. "I don't deserve to have you. I wronged you, Bella." "You're right," I admitted. "But I deserve you. I love you, Edward, I never stopped and if you are willing then I am here, ready to try again," I said. I took a deep breath and waited for his response. I wasn't sure where my boldness was coming from but I liked it. I had a feeling that it was the energy that I felt around me, the apartment, new job, new Bella. New life! And I knew without a doubt that I wanted Edward to be a part of that life. Edward had a smile on his lips and he shifted in his seat so that he was leaning towards me and I knew that he was excited. "I think we should take it slow. Go back to the very beginning; we should date and get to know each other again," he said sensibly. "I agree," I told him. "As you said, we are both very different people than we were and I don't think we really know each other that well now. I know you, but I need to get to know the thirty year old Edward." "I don't want to rush this, Bella. I don't want to ruin it again," he said with a tinge of fear in his voice. "We won't, its right for us to be together," I said softly as I leaned closer to him. "TEN NINE EIGHT" We both started and looked at the TV as the loud countdown blared from the speakers. It was almost midnight. Edward smiled and took

my hand, squeezing it tightly. "FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE!" we counted together. "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" we yelled both yelled as fireworks appeared on the screen of the TV. Edward and I were staring into each other's eyes and I felt myself involuntarily leaning towards him. My eyelids fluttered closed as I leaned in to kiss him. "No!" Edward said suddenly. My eyes flew open and I looked at him in confusion as he backed away from my quickly. "Sorry," he said, sounding calmer. "I want to take this slow." I nodded my head in understanding. I couldn't deny that I was disappointed but I knew that Edward was right. We should wait. "I'm going to head home. I think we both need some time to really think about this," he said. "Ok," I replied as I went and grabbed his coat off the rack and handed it to him. "I'll see you soon," he said and he opened the door and went to leave. I watched him in disbelief, was he really just going to leave? He turned back just before he was out the door and gave me a wink, and then he was gone. Excitement, joy and a million other emotions all hit me at once and I started jumping up and down on the spot. I was going to be with Edward. Just as I calmed myself down and was about to turn off the TV and go to bed, there was a knock on the door. I ran to answer it and smiled when I saw Edward standing there. He had a blank expression on his face as if I was a total stranger. "Hello, I'm Edward Cullen," he said seriously and he held his hand out for me to shake. I looked at his hand and then up at his face and he gave me another wink. He was showing me that he was really letting go of the past and

was ready to start fresh. I took his hand and shook it, a pact that we would both commit to. "I'm Bella Swan," I said. "I've seen you aroundand I'd like to get to know you better. I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me on the weekend?" he asked. "I don't usually go out with men that I don't know," I teased and giggled when his mouth fell open slightly in shock from my answer. I was sure that he expected me to just accept without question. His expression changed from shock to confidence and he gave me a very intense look. "You can trust me, Bella," he said and I knew that he wasn't just saying it as part of this little game. He was telling me that he wasn't going to hurt me again. I hesitated for a moment, and wondered if I really could trust him. I knew I would never be able to make it through losing him again but I knew that we were both more mature now. Jake had taught me how to communicate in a relationship and I would forever be grateful to him for that and Edward had felt what it was like to betray someone he loved and I hoped that he wouldn't take that risk again. "Dinner would be nice," I said with a smile. Edward took my hand and brought it up to his mouth and kissed the back of my palm softly. "I'll call you in the morning," he whispered as he released my hand and turned to walk away. I leaned against the door frame and watched as he walked down the hall towards the elevator. "Oh, and Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "Happy New Year," he said with a huge grin. "Happy New Year!" I called after him before I closed the door. "Happy New Life," I said to myself as I looked around my apartment and smiled.

THE END

OUTTAKES Edward's POV Chapter 3. Milk. How hard was it to buy milk? Especially when it was your job! How was I supposed to get through the day without milk for my coffee? Maybe I needed to get a new assistant, one who would actually remember to buy milk. I sighed loudly as I ran through the parking lot, jumping over a large puddle just before going through the automatic doors. I stepped inside the grocery store and turned quickly to head for the refrigerated aisle. "Ughhff," a woman breathed out as she collided hard with my chest. Where had she come from? She fell backwards and hit the ground, her bags falling to the floor and the contents spilling out all around my feet. "Shit," she whispered softly before frantically picking up things and shoving them roughly into the brown paper bags. "I'm so sorry miss, let me help you," I said as I fell to my knees and started grabbing her items and passing them to her. I tried to give her an apologetic smile but she kept her face turned away and refused to look at me. Rude! I hadn't meant to bump into her, it was an accident. She didn't have to ignore me when I had already apologized. As she packed the last of her groceries into her bag she just stood up, turned towards the door and walked away without a word or even acknowledging that I had been there. I sighed again and shrugged my shoulders at Jessica Stanley who was watching the whole scene play out with a wicked grin. "Morning Jessica," I said with a nod of my head. I didn't know Jessica well but she had been a friend of Bella's from high school. Bella. I shook my head slightly to stop the thoughts that I knew would come; I would allow the guilt to come later, at home

where I could feel it in private. "You're blind," she said with a large grin before she blew a large bubble with her chewing gum. I'd turned away from her and taken a step towards the refrigerated aisle to get my milk when my foot kicked something and it skidded across the floor. I looked down and saw a small tube and I looked over my shoulder; it must have belonged to that woman and we missed it while we were picking up everything else. I bent down and picked it up; it was contraceptive jelly. I couldn't help the chuckle that rolled off my chest when I thought how embarrassed she would be if she had to call the store and ask if she left anything behind, knowing exactly what it was that she was missing. I turned on my heel and jogged across the parking lot to her car. She was just about to sit down in the driver's seat so I called out to her so she wouldn't leave without her jelly. "Miss, you ummm, forgot your spermicide jelly," I chuckled, slightly embarrassed for her. She completely ignored me and continued to climb into the car. I felt anger surge within me then. I had apologized for knocking her over even thought it was her who had run in to me. I helped her to pick up the spilled groceries and had just run across the parking lot to return something she had left behind and she was pretending she couldn't hear me? Rude! "Hey, miss," I said more forcefully as I reached out and grabbed her wrist. I spun her around and my breath caught in my throat as my mind registered what I was seeing. Bella. I shook my head again and blinked my eyes a few times. I was only imagining this because Jessica has reminded me of her a minute ago. She wasn't really in front of me, she couldn't be. I looked at her again it was Bella. Her eyes were closed but it was definitely her. I couldn't breathe, my heart felt as if it had stopped; for a moment my body was frozen in place, unable to move in case I was dreaming and she would disappear. I soaked her in, she was stunning. Her hair was longer and had more of a wave to it than I remembered but her lips were the same, they were still that rosy shade of pink that I loved and had that

perfect little heart shaped pout. God, how I missed her lips. A horn honked on the other side of the parking lot and it broke me out of my daze. My mind went into overdrive, as if making up for the lost moment it had been frozen. A million questions raced through my head; how long had she been back? Was she in town to see me? Did she want to see me? Did she still love me? Was I dreaming? Why did she have her eyes closed? "B Bella?" I whispered. She sighed softly and slowly opened her eyes, her long lashes fluttering against her cheeks. I dipped my head slightly, trying to make eye contact but she kept her gaze focused on the ground. "Hello, Edward," she replied quietly. Her voice was like music to my ears. It was so familiar and yet so distant, like a long forgotten memory. I wanted to reach up and stroke her face but resited the urge by grasping tightly to the box in my hand. The box? Oh right, the spermicide. "Oh, this is yours," I said awkwardly as it dawned on me that it was Bella who had bought the contraceptive. Was Bella having sex? Who was touching her? I pushed down the jealous beast inside of me and reminded myself that it was my own fault that she was with someone else. With a shaking hand I held the box out to her and she reached forward to grab it. I held my breath as I waited for our hands to touch but she took the box without making any contact with my skin. "Thanks," she said softly. We both realized at the same time that I was still holding onto her wrist, grasping onto her so she wouldn't run. I could sense that if I let her go she would escape me forever. We both started down at my hand around hers and she pulled lightly against me. My heart screamed for me to keep my grip tight, to never let her go but the guilt that had taken up residence in my soul knew that I had no right to keep her, so I released her hand. "Bella" I said again. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Maybe I would beg her to come back, maybe I would try to explain. She had made it quite clear before she left that she didn't want to talk to me

and we had never discussed our relationship and how it ended. There were a lot of things I wanted her to understand, so she would see the truth. "There's nothing to say, Edward. I've moved on," she told me coldly. I thought I had heard a quiver in her voice but I knew that I was just imagined that I'd heard it; wishful thinking. Her words cut through me like a knife because I knew that she was telling me the truth, she had moved on. She had found a new guy that she was fucking? No she had found a new guy that she was making love to. I felt sick. I nodded my head so she knew that I had understood her words and looked down at my feet. I couldn't bear to look at her face in that moment and imagine her kissing another man. I allowed myself to feel the pain. I deserved the pain. I had done much worse to her. What I had done was inexcusable and as much as it broke my heart and made the jealous beast inside me roar in anger, I wanted her to be happy. If she had found someone who made her happy and who treated her better than I had, then I could be happy for her couldn't I? I decided I could be if she was truly happy. "Are you happy?" I whispered as I looked up at her. I had to see the truth in her eyes as she answered the question. If I saw no doubt in her eyes, no clue that she still cared for me I would walk away and take solace in the fact that she was happy, even if I never would be again. She held my eye contact and my heart rejoiced. I had imagined looking into her eyes every night for the past five years and here she was in front of me, like a dream. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my lips. She was here! Just as I was starting to relax and enjoy staring into her eyes, they turned cold. Her wall had come up and she stepped back slightly, folding her arms across her chest. I had pushed her too far with that question. I knew that I had no right to ask her about her life and I instantly felt remorseful. "I I'm sorry," I stuttered. Bella stared at me, unblinking. Her lips closed into a thin line and I was starting to wish that I had kept my mouth shut. She just told me that she had moved on but was she still angry?

"I don't need your apologies, Edward. I meant what I said to you in this parking lot five years ago. I don't want you in my life anymore," she spat at me angrily and every word she said sliced through my bleeding heart a little bit more. She rattled her keys and I could sense that she was about to leave. We had had such a horrible goodbye the last time she drove away from me in this same parking lot and I wanted a chance to explain to her, to apologize properly. At the time I had understood her need for privacy and distance but then she had left town without even a word and I had never had a chance to make things right, well, as right as they could be after what I had done. She turned towards her car and took a tiny step towards the door and I panicked, she couldn't leave yet! "Please, Bella, will you just talk to me?" I begged as I reached out and grabbed her arm again but she shook me off forcefully and turned to glare at me with hatred on her face. "For what? So you can apologize again? I've heard it Edward. So you can give me excuses? I don't want to hear them. There's nothing to talk about," she yelled loudly as she leaned slightly towards me. She spun quickly and pulled the door open and I just reacted without thinking. I pushed the door closed and stood in front of it so she couldn't get passed me. I didn't know what I hoped my action would achieve but the only thought in my head was - stop her! Bella's deep brown eyes flared and she sucked in a fast breath. I had never in the ten years I had known her ever seen her look so angry. I didn't see her arm moving until it was too late and she slapped me hard across my face. "Ouafff," I groaned when the pain registered in my cheek and I felt my body get thrown sideways from the impact. I steadied myself against the car and turned to look at her. She had her hands up, cupped over her mouth and her eyes were wide with shock. She looked horrified at what she had done and even though it had shocked me, I knew that it was good for her to express some of the anger she felt towards me. Maybe it would be good for her to do it again. "I deserved that," I said with a small smile to try and show her that I

was okay, that I wasn't angry that she had hit me. I reached up and rubbed my sore cheek to try and encourage the blood to flow so I wouldn't bruise up. "Is it out of your system now or would you like to take another shot?" I asked, thinking that she might feel better if she did, not to mention that the guilt inside of me was begging to be punished. She glared at me, the anger evident on her face but then she took a deep breath, her chest visibly rising and falling slowly as she released the tension. I could practically see her thought process as she tried to calm herself. "Let me get into my car," she said flatly and I was saddened by how dead her voice sounded, as if she cared nothing for me. I tore my eyes away from her face and nodded my head sadly, stepping back to allow her access to her car. I watched her open the door, sit down and reach for the handle to pull it closed but I couldn't just let her leave like that. We had loved each other so much, I still loved her and even if she didn't love me back I wanted to try and make our parting as nice as possible. I didn't want her to always look back and think of our relationship as a mistake. It would be nice if we could say a friendly goodbye and have some closure. I decided that I would offer her one more chance to talk to me about what had happened. I knew that she would think that it was selfish of me to want to talk to her but I honestly believed that it would be much better for her in the long run if she were to understand what had happened. Making that decision, I stepped back toward the car and leaned down just before she was able to close the door. "Where are you staying?" I asked softly. She just glared back at me and I knew she wouldn't tell me without more of an explanation. "I would just like a way to contact you. I think we need to talk, sort this all out," I explained. I looked deep into her warm chocolate eyes and for a second I thought they softened but then they turned cold again. "My fianc and I are staying with Dad until we find a place of our own," she said forcefully. Nausea overwhelmed me and I staggered back a little to get some fresh air. Bella was engaged? My eyes shot to her hand and I saw the large diamond sitting on her finger. I had to hold down the acid in my stomach, it was trying to force its way into my mouth. I took several

deep breaths, trying to calm myself before I could speak again. It felt as if the whole world had fallen away. There was nothing, I could only see Bella's face and the large diamond taunting me. The sounds of the carpark were drowned out by the loud ringing in my ears and the only sound I could hear was the THUD THUD of my racing heartbeat. "I believe you met him last night. Jacob," she added. I nodded my head. I had met a Jake at Charlie's last night when I had picked up Emmett. He had seemed nice and I had assumed that he worked at the police station. Thinking back to it, he had been friendly and offered to shake my hand but when he heard my name his whole demeanor had changed and then he had scowled at me. He must have known who I was. What had Bella told him about me? About how I had treated her? My mind was racing and I didn't notice that Bella had pulled the door closed and started the engine. I looked up at her in panic; was she leaving? "Goodbye, Edward. Say hello to Tanya for me," she called out the window before she drove away. I could see her eyes watching me in the rear-vision mirror and I wondered if she was sad or just angry. Her mention of Tanya was like a kick in the gut. I had moved so far past her I barely though of that whore anymore and to know that Bella thought I was still with her was devastating. But why would she have thought any differently? The last time we had seen each other she had seen Tanya and I kissing, it was reasonable for her to assume I was still with her. I walked slowly back into the grocery store, everything that Bella had said racing through my mind. She didn't want me in her life, she was engaged, she had moved on. It was all so final, so clear that I wasn't wanted around and yet there was a part of me that defied everything that she had said. A small part of my heart that knew Bella's heart had refused to believe she could let me go so easily. As I picked up the bottle of milk and headed back to the check-out I made the decision that I was going to give her some space, but that I would still be around when she wanted to talk and I knew that she would eventually want some answers. When she was ready, I would be there.

All Cried Out Outtake ~ Edward ~ December 24th 2004 "Bella, please stay so we can talk," I begged as she pushed past me and headed towards the bedroom. The sight of my wife's back walking away from me was one of the most frightening images I had ever seen. I knew that I couldn't let her leave. She had to stay so we could talk. My chest tightened with panic at the thought of her walking out of our house without setting this right. I had to fix this mess! I heard the closet door swing open and rustling sounds, and I guessed that she was packing her clothes. If she had bags she would need her car to leave. If I blocked her car from leaving she would have to stay. I went into the garage and leaned up against the hood of her car. I folded my arms across my chest in what I hoped looked like a firm stance. She had to know that I was serious about her staying here. I heard the door slide open before I saw her, and I sucked in a deep breath when she stepped into the dark garage. My heart crumpled in my chest when I saw the despair on her face. She looked damaged, broken, shattered. I had done that to her. "Don't go," I whispered, the words coming out of my mouth before I was even conscious of saying them. Her eyes flickered to mine for a split second before falling to the floor, where they stayed as she walked past me to the trunk and placed the bag in. She slammed the lid down and the echo reverberated around the room. "Please, just give me space tonight. I'll be back in the morning. We will talk after everyone leaves tomorrow night," she said softly as she climbed into the car and pulled the door closed. "Bella," I called out as the garage door started to rise and sunlight spilled into the garage. "Bella!" I called louder as she started the ignition and her car roared to

life. Panic exploded in my chest as it dawned on me that she was actually leaving. Part of me had hoped that I could convince her to stay and talk about it, but she was really going. I tried to wave to get her attention but she was looking over her shoulder as she reversed out of the driveway. I stood motionless and watched as she drove off down the street. I stood there as she disappeared from view, the sound of her engine replaced by birds chirping and the neighbor's kids laughing. I walked over and manually pulled the garage door down and was enveloped by darkness again. Leaning my back against the now closed roller-door, I slid down to the floor and let the sorrow take me over. The empty space where Bella's car usually sat was overwhelming and I could feel myself begin to hyperventilate. Forcing myself to take deep breaths, I slowly stood up and went back into the house. I saw my cell phone lying on the floor where I had thrown it earlier and went to pick it up. I dialed Bella's cell number, my fingers easily finding the numbers without having to look down. I had dialed that number so many times, it was like second nature. I looked at the screen and with a sigh, cancelled the call. I knew she wouldn't want to talk to me. I went to turn the phone off but decided against it, just in case she tried to contact me later; I didn't want to miss her call. Instead, I shoved the device roughly into my pocket and walked through the kitchen to head to the bedroom. Sparkling from the bench caught my attention and I saw the small pile of Bella's jewellery sitting where she had left it. I reached my hand out to it and caressed the cool metal. It hadn't held her body heat for long and was now icy cold, as if she hadn't worn it in months. I picked it up gently and carried it with me down the hallway, rolling her wedding ring between my fingers. Once I reached the bedroom I sat down on the edge of the bed and slipped her engagement ring over my pinkie finger, the diamond sparkling in the sunlight shining through the window. I could remember with perfect clarity the day I had given it to her. *****

October 13th 2001 Her hair was splayed out over the pillow and she looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her look before. I crawled across the bed towards her and knelt on all fours over her body, with my knees by her hips and my hands on either side of her head. She smiled up at me, her twinkling eyes full of love. "I love you," I whispered hoarsely, emotion in my voice. She smiled and opened her mouth to reply but I didn't need to hear her say the words. I knew she loved me. I leaned down and pressed my lips softly to hers, sucking on her bottom lip slightly, and I chuckled as she moaned into my mouth. Now is the perfect time! Breaking my lips away from hers, I glanced over at the small bedside table and smiled. I had been waiting for weeks for the right moment to ask Bella to marry me. I wanted it to be perfect for her. She deserved a romantic, meaningful moment, and I knew that now was the time. I was not sure what I had been waiting for - a sign from fate or a magical, perfect moment to pop up - but I had been carrying the ring aroundjust waiting for something. I was taken by surprise when I realized that this was the perfect moment. I didn't need a beach at sunset or a full moon; all I needed was Bella and me. Rolling off her, I reached over and pulled the small draw open, slipping my hand inside and grasping the small velvet box. I held it tightly in my hand and turned back to Bella. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw her pouting at me. "What is it, love?" I asked with a smile. "Come back here," she growled seductively. "In a minute," I smiled. "Come sit here by me?" I patted the edge of the bed next to me and she gave me a quizzing look before sitting up and sliding over the bed. She looked at me expectantly. "Bella, you make me so happy. I love you and I know I will love you

forever." She froze and a small smile broke out across her face as what I was saying sunk in. I slipped slowly off the bed onto my knees in front of her and held the box up. "Will you allow me to make you happy for the rest of your life? Will you marry me?" I held my breath while I waited for her answer. She was very still for a moment, then she reached out and took the box from my hand, her fingers shaking. "Yes," she breathed, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She slowly opened the box and let out a small gasp when she saw the ring. I had asked my sister and my brother's fianc to help me pick it, and by Bella's reaction I was guessing it was the right choice. I pulled the ring out of the box and slipped it onto her finger. ***** I looked down at her ring on my finger and sighed, slipping it off into the palm of my hand, which still held her other jewelery. I glanced at my own wedding band, still firmly in place on my finger, where it would stay. I had no intentions of taking it off, ever. How had I gotten into this mess? Tanya. I couldn't help the smile that spread over my face at the thought of her. Despite the sorrow I was feeling at my situation with Bella, I couldn't deny how I felt about Tanya. My feelings for Bella were eternal, deep and unquestionable - I knew I was going to marry her the day I met her. There was no hesitation, no second thoughts. If I had to choose between my wife and my lover this very second I would choose Bella without reservation, but what I felt for Tanya was fun, exciting, and passionate. I craved her heat and her spontaneity, I relished in her need for me. My life with Bella was set. We were married, we owned a home, and we were on the path to a long and happy life. But Bella didn't even seem to want me around anymore. She hadn't spoken a loving word to me in weeks and barely even let me touch her anymore. In bed, she

lay as far away from me as possible and she would never make eye contact with me. She didn't want me the same way I needed her. In public she would smile and show everyone that she was fine, but when we were alone it was like I wasn't even there. It didn't excuse the stupid mistake I had made, I knew it and if I could go back to that night in the club and stop my affair from ever starting, I would. ***** September 27th 2004 The loud music was giving me a headache. I looked around and sighed when I saw that Bella was still dancing with Alice and Rosalie. It didn't look like she would want to go home any time soon. I scanned the crowd for Emmett and saw him at the bar getting another round of drinks. I sighed and stumbled over to one of the empty booths at the side of the room. I put my empty beer bottle down on the table and tried to count how many drinks I had consumed during the night - too many to count. Bella looked over her shoulder and gave me a small wave from the dance floor. I gave her a half smile in return and she blew me a kiss. It annoyed me that she was flirting with me now, when an hour ago when we were at home she hadn't even acknowledged my exsistance. It made her flirting insulting because it was fake, she was putting on a show for out friends. I plonked down and watched her move to the music. Her hips were swaying seductively and she kept running her hands up and down her sides suggestively. My cock was stiffening in my pants at the sight of her and all I wanted to do was take her home, make passionate love to her and then fall to sleep with her in my arms, but I knew that would not be happening. "Hey there," a husky voice said. I looked up and saw Tanya standing in front of me. "Hey Tanya, the girls are over there," I said as I pointed out to the dance floor. "It's ok, I'll just sit if you don't mind," she purred as she slid into the booth next to me.

I shrugged my shoulders. Honestly, I didn't like the idea of being alone with Tanya. Her perfume hit my nostrils. I could tell it was cheap - it smelled like alcohol - but it turned me on. She slid a little closer to me and the warmth of her body radiated against my skin. I shivered involuntarily. I kept my gaze turned towards the dance floor, but I wasn't surprised when Tanya's hand rested softly on my thigh. I knew I should push her away, but the mixture of my brain swimming in alcohol, watching Bella sexy-dance, and being annoyed with my wife for dragging me out tonight caused me to allow her hand to move slowly toward my now rock-hard cock. "I want to taste you, Edward," she whispered in my ear. I shivered as her warm breath flowed over my face, and she smiled when I didn't turn her down. I turned to look at her, seeing her frizzy hair and smudged make-up. I knew she was just as drunk as I was and probably wouldn't remember anything the next morning. She stood and stumbled away from the table towards the bathroom. Just as she reached the door, she looked over her shoulder and winked, before disappearing inside. I sat for a moment, debating what to do. I knew that I should sit there like the good little husband and watch my wife dance and be happy to go home with her, but I had the chance to do something exciting. I justified to myself that I was drunk and probably wouldn't remember it in the morning anyway as I stood and walked towards the bathroom. This club had one of those unisex bathrooms that had just come into fashion in the past few years. Tanya was standing against the wall and she smiled when I entered the room. She approached me slowly and began kissing my neck. I stood frozen, allowing her to touch me but not touching back. Somehow I reasoned with myself that it wasn't as bad if I didn't touch her. She slowly pushed me up against the wall and then fell to her knees on the cold, tiled floor. I heard my zipper go down and allowed my head to fall back against the wall as she sucked my dick.

***** I was surprised over the following weeks how I was able to compartmentalize my time with Tanya as something separate from my life with Bella. I did feel guilty, but not as much as I would have expected under the circumstances. My feelings for Bella did not change at all; I loved her dearly and still wanted to spend my life with her. What I felt for Tanya had changed over the three months I had been seeing her. It had started as something cheap and dangerous, born purely from her need for me, but it had grown into a kind of caring and appreciation. And recently I had begun to feel attached. It wasn't the love I felt for Bella, but it was deep and powerful. Tanya gave me something that I craved, some need that Bella didn't fill, she wanted me But I couldn't think about Tanya right now. I had to give her up and concentrate on making my life with Bella right. I had promised to make Bella happy for the rest of her life and I had failed. I was going to have to work to keep that promise. I sighed loudly and ran my hands through my hair before standing up and walking to Bella's dresser. I placed the watch, necklace, and earrings down neatly, but held onto the wedding and engagement rings. I felt a compulsion to keep them warm, as if the warmth was coming from her own body heat. In a small way it was the only thing I could do to hold our relationship together. The thought of those rings sitting on the dresser, abandoned, made me sick to my stomach. I placed them in my pocket and walked back down the hall to the living room. After pacing for several minutes I decided that I needed to get out of the house. I stepped out the front door and breathed in the fresh air deeply. I walked down the street and started towards the center of town. I didn't have a plan of where I was going, I was just walking. Suddenly my feet stopped and I looked up to find myself standing outside Charlie's house. Bella's car was in the drive and my gaze automatically went to the window on the top floor Bella's bedroom. Was she in there right now? I wasn't sure what to do. Part of me wanted to run into the house and up the stairs to her room and pull her into my arms, beg her to come back to me, and promise her anything to make it right. But I knew

that she would turn me away, and while I knew I deserved it, I didn't think I could handle the rejection. Bella had asked me for space, and I would grant her request. I turned to walk home, but in a split second decision I ran across the lawn and climbed straight up the tree in the front yard. When Bella and I had first started dating I had climbed that tree many times, and I knew it would lead me right to her window. As I reached the final branch I twisted my body around the trunk so that I could see in the window without being visible to Bella from inside. The sun was just setting and it was dark out. She hadn't turned on any lights in the room so it was difficult to make out anything in the room. I leaned closer to the window and could just make out a quivering shape where I knew the bed was. She was lying on the bed, crying. My heart constricted and I let out an involuntary grunt of pain. I couldn't look at her anymore; it was too painful to see the woman that I adored in pain, knowing that I had been the one to cause it. I jogged home and locked the door behind me as if it could protect me from the pain; it couldn't. It was completely dark outside now and I contemplated turning on a light, but I decided that I preferred the silence of the dark. I felt my way across the living room to the liquor cabinet and poured myself a glass of the first bottle my hand touched. I sculled the liquid and cringed as it burned the back of my throat. I poured a second glass and made my way to the couch. Slumping down, I continued to sip on the drink but quickly gave up on the idea of drinking away my sorrows when a nauseas feeling overtook me. I placed the glass on the coffee table and lay back in the couch, running my hands through my hair in frustration. All the emotions of the day hit me at once: anger, pain, frustration, guilt, and hatred. In that moment, I truly hated myself. I closed my eyes and repeated a mantra in my head over and over to try and calm myself. Bella will come back. Bella will come back. Bella will come back. Soon my breathing was slowing down and I felt my muscles relax into the couch. I kept the mantra going as I drifted to sleep.

Bella will come back

Chapter 10 ~Edward ~ I tapped my leg nervously as I waited for Emmett to arrive. I was feeling both excited and nervous; it was a very weird combination of emotions that was making me jittery. Bella and I had agreed to be friends so there wasn't any reason why I couldn't go to her party, but I was wondering if I should go. Emmett had assured me that it would be fine and Alice had begged me to come with them, so I had given up and I was now waiting to be picked up. I heard gravel crunch outside and I jumped out of my seat, running to the door and out to the car. "You excited, little bro?" Emmett chuckled as I climbed into the car. "No, I just don't want to be late, it's rude," I lied as I buckled my seat belt and leaned back in the seat. I wasn't sure where Bella had moved to but Rosalie had the address written down and Emmett appeared to know where he was going. Soon we were pulling up into her driveway and I looked up at the house from the back window of the car; it looked nice. We got out of the car just as Alice and Jasper pulled up next to us. "Good timing," Alice said with a smile as she got out of her car and walked over to give me a hug. She had been a little cold towards me since Bella had come back and the truth about Tanya had come out, and I was glad that she seemed to be returning to her normal self around me. We all walked up to the front door together and Emmett knocked. I held my breath and prayed that it was Bella who opened the door and not Jake. The door opened and I could hear loud voices coming from inside. I saw Bella briefly but Emmett barged past her into the house and she had to step back inside to avoid being knocked over by him. I shook my head and gave Jasper a nod when he rolled his eyes.

Once Emmett had moved out of the way, Bella looked at the rest of us with a slightly confused look on her face which quickly turned into a nervous smile. "Hi," she said awkwardly. I had to resist the urge to kick Emmett very hard in the shins; she obviously hadn't known we were coming and by the look on her face, it could be a problem. "Hope you don't mind, these guys tagged along," Emmett said as he swung his carton of beer up onto his shoulder and looked around. "Nice house," he added. "It's fine," she said with a tight smile as she stepped back to allow the rest of us to enter the house. As soon as I walked in I could smell Bella all around. I had missed coming home and having her scent around me. There was a musky smell intermingled with hers and I assumed that was Jake. Pushing that thought out of my mind I looked around the entry way and smiled politely. We all followed Bella down the hallway into the kitchen where Emmett was already putting his beer in the icebox to chill. "Your house is gorgeous, Bella," Rose gushed as she ran her fingers along the marble counter-top. "Thanks, we like it," Bella said with a smile. I kept my eyes focussed on her, looking for any sign that she was uncomfortable with me being in her home, but she didn't glance in my direction at all. "This is Jasper," Alice squealed. "Nice to meet you, Jasper," Bella replied politely and held her hand out to shake Jasper's. "Nice to meet you. Alice talks about you all the time," he said with a friendly smile as he shook her hand and then accepted the beer that Emmett handed him. Emmett handed me a beer as well before heading out into the yard to find his work mates.

"Well, the party is out in the yard, so make your way out whenever you are ready," Bella said, pointing out to where Emmett had just disappeared. "Can we have a tour?" Alice asked. "Sure," she said and held her arms out wide to showcase the room. "This is the kitchen." We walked through all the rooms and while I was watching where I was walking, I couldn't have told you the color of the paint on any of the walls, the furniture in the room or even which room I was standing in. My attention was solely focused on Bella and her reaction to me being there, which seemed to be no reaction at all. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to her. Maybe we could be friends Just in that moment she looked over at me for the first time and gave me a smile; my heart exploded with joy and I smiled back at her and it was right then that I knew that I would never be able to be just friends with Bella. I would always love her, want her. But if friendship was what she needed from me then I would try my best to push my feelings away and be a friend for her. "Bella?" Jake's voice called through the house. "Where did you put the steak sauce?" We broke our eye contact and Alice groaned and rolled her eyes as Jake entered the room. "Bel" Jake said as he came into the room and saw us all standing around. When his gaze fell on me his eyes hardened and I saw Bella flinch slightly out of the corner of my eye. "Why don't you guys go and get a drink while I help Jake find the steak sauce," Bella said calmly, but I was worried about what would happen if we left her alone with him. Not that I was concerned that he would hurt her; Bella had said he was a good man and I trusted her judgement but I didn't want them to have a fight about me and ruin their party. "I'm going to start making some food to help Bella out," Alice said when we made it back into the kitchen and she opened the fridge and dug around inside. I stayed near the door, hoping it appeared that I was just leaning

casually in the door frame but in reality I was trying listen out for raised voices. I couldn't hear anything, which probably meant that Bella was refusing to talk about it, something I knew well as she had refused to talk to me about problems for years. After a few minutes of silence from the living room I decided to go and see what was going on. "Where are you going?" Alice asked as I turned to leave the room. "To find a bathroom," I lied as I walked down the hall. I made my way back down the hall and heard Bella giggle; she didn't sound angry or upset. Jake murmured something that I couldn't make out but he didn't sound angry either. Relief washed over me until I actually got to the doorway. I stood there stunned as I saw Jake sitting on the couch with Bella straddling his lap; they were kissing and Bella had a small smile as her lips touched his. I felt instantly sick but I couldn't tear my eyes away. As much as it hurt me to watch, I knew I needed to see it to let her go. When she slid forward in his lap and Jake let out a guttural moan, it was too sexual for me to keep watching. The good part of me knew that I should walk away and leave them to their happy moment but I just couldn't, I had to stop them. I let out a small cough as if clearing my throat and stepped into the room. Bella and Jake both turned to look at me. Jake had a smug look on his face but he also showed some annoyance; Bella looked devastated. She looked from me back to Jake and then jumped from his lap and took a few steps away from him. Her expression was one of guilt and I instantly flashed back to how I had felt in the grocery store when Bella had seen Tanya and I kissing; had she felt as badly as I did right now? No. I was sure it had been worse for her. "Can we help you?" Jake asked. "Sorry ahhh, Alice wanted me to ask if you minded if she started getting the food ready," I asked. It was the first thing that came into my head as a reason to interrupt them.

Jake was glaring at me and I stared back. Seeing his hands and lips all over the woman I loved had brought out some primal, protective instinct in me, probably the same one he was feeling. "Edward why don't you and I go and help her?" Bella blurted out and she walked out of the room and tugged on my shirt from behind so that I would follow her. I walked behind her but didn't say anything. The reality of our situation had hit me hard and it felt like I had been kicked repeatedly in the balls. Walking into the house, I had pushed the thoughts of Bella and Jake together out of my head but it was impossible for me to deny it when I had the image of them together running in my mind now on repeat. "I'm sorry you saw that," Bella said when we reached the kitchen. "It's ok," I said honestly with a shrug of my shoulders. "I think I needed to see it." "Why?" she asked shocked. "It made me face reality," I said quickly and I walked over to help Alice before she could question me further. "Oh Bella, good, can I use this pineapple juice for Pina Coladas or did you buy it for something special?" Alice asked as she held up the bottle from the fridge. "You can use it," Bella said but I knew she was still watching me. I tried my best to appear to be calm and like I was enjoying myself but I couldn't concentrate on the conversation the girls were having. I could feel Jasper's eyes on me and I turned to look at him. "You ok?" he whispered. I nodded my head but he raised his eyebrow at me. Leave it to Alice to have the most perceptive boyfriend in the world. He cocked his head to the side and indicated that we should head outside. I looked at the girls and saw they were engrossed in talking about Rose's pregnancy and agreed that it was a good time to leave the room. Jasper kissed the top of Alice's head and left silently but I saw Bella

watching me so I gave her an explanation of why we were leaving. "I'll go and make sure Emmett's not getting into any trouble," I told her as I followed Jasper out of the room. "Thanks Edward," Rose called after me. Just as I was heading outside, Emmett came inside looking for more beer. "Having fun?" he asked as he slapped me on the back, but he didn't wait for an answer and just continued into the house. I followed Jasper out onto the patio and we sat a little separated from everyone else. "This must be hard for you," Jasper said. It wasn't a question. The image of Bella straddling Jake filled my mind again and I nodded my head sadly and looked down at the ground, kicking a pebble with my shoe. "If you have to go" he started but was cut off. "Don't you dare think about leaving, Edward Anthony Cullen," Alice said sternly as she approached the table with her hands on her hips. "Why not?" I asked. Leaving this house sounded like a great idea to me. It would give me time to think about whether or not I couldn't handle having Bella in my life. It was strange to think about; I could handle not being with Bella, I had wronged her and I knew that I didn't deserve to be with her. And I also wanted her to be happy in her life, I truly did. But seeing her being with someone else was too hard, I couldn't stand it. "Because it will look bad to everyone, like there is something to hide," Alice stated as she sat down next to Jasper. Rosalie sat next to me and nodded her head in agreement with Alice. I sighed and nodded as well. I certainly didn't want Jake to think that there was something to hide and start hassling Bella about it, so I decided that I could hold on for a few hours and just try to stay out of everyone's way. Soon, Emmett re-emerged with a new beer and went back over to the

barbeque area where all his work friends were and Bella followed him, carrying a large bowl. She walked over and placed the bowl down near her dad and they spoke briefly but I couldn't hear what they were saying. She laughed and flicked her hair casually over her shoulder and my whole world froze. I realized that I was sitting here with my family and Bella and if I pretended that Jake wasn't around, it was almost like travelling back in time. I smiled at the thought of what life would be like if Bella and I were together and we were having a casual family barbeque. But then I noticed Jake glaring at me again and reality came crashing down. Jake walked into the house and Bella followed him. I wondered if they were going to have another make-out session or an argument. A few moments later they both appeared at the door and neither one looked too angry so I assumed that everything was fine between them. I had to admit that Jake was a bigger man than I was. If it were me, I would have never let her ex-husband in the house. Bella came over and sat down with us and my imaginary past came back. We were sitting and talking, laughing and joking around and it was just like old times. Bella picked up her glass and swallowed the last of the liquid before standing up and walking back into the house. I watched Jake carefully but he was joking around with Charlie and didn't seem to notice that Bella had gone inside so I stood up and quickly followed her into the kitchen. I convinced myself that I wasn't going to make trouble, that I just wanted to make sure it was ok that I was there. I walked through to the kitchen and saw there were some vegetables on the counter but I couldn't see Bella anywhere. A noise in the corner caught my attention and I turned to see the pantry doors open and Bella's feet protruding from under the doors. I leaned against the doorframe and waited her for to come out. She stepped back and closed the door with her hip as her hands were full of onions and she started when she saw me. "Hey," I said with a smile. I couldn't help but smile when I looked at her. She was older, more mature looking, but she was still my Bella. "Hey," she said back as she placed the onions down on the counter

and started ripping the lettuce into pieces. "I just wanted to come and let you know that I'm sorry if I have caused any trouble between you and Jake," I said as I picked up a knife out from the knife block on the counter and started slicing one of the tomatoes. "Oh no, we're ok," she said but I could hear the strain in her voice and I raised my eyebrow at her, questioning if that were true. "Ok, well maybe a little. But its fine," she laughed. We fell into an easy rhythm; while Bella washed the lettuce leaves, I sliced the tomatoes. Then, while she sliced the onions, I got stared on the cucumbers. We worked together just as well as we had when we were married. We were a team. "Sorry about the tears stupid onion," Bella laughed as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. I laughed too and delighted in the fact that it was so easy for us to be around each other. Bella and I could be friends if it were just the two of us but when you threw Jake into the mix, it got harder. I put the cucumbers into the bowl with the lettuce and tomatoes and turned to the sink to wash my hands. "What is going on?" Jake's voice came from behind me. I spun around to look at him in confusion. Since when was a man not allowed to wash his hands in the sink? But when I turned around I saw what he was angry about; Bella and I were alone in the room and Bella had tears in her eyes. I couldn't deny that it looked bad. "Nothing," Bella said. "We were just making a salad." "Nothing? Then why are you crying?" Jake asked with concern in his voice as he walked over and pulled Bella into a hug. "What did he say to you?" "I didn't say anything," I assured him. "Right, so Bella is just crying for no reason?" Jake asked angrily. "Jake, I was just cutting up an onion for the salad. Really, Edward didn't do anything," Bella explained.

"Right, he's so innocent," Jake said sarcastically. "Is there a problem here?" I asked. I got the jealous boyfriend thing but this situation was genuinely innocent and I wasn't going to be accused of something I hadn't done. "Yes, you are a problem here," Jake said aggressively. The next few seconds happened in slow motion for me. Bella stepped away from Jake with an annoyed look on her face and she opened her mouth to speak, but her foot landed on a stray slice of onion that had fallen onto the floor and I watched as she toppled backwards, her foot skidding along the floor. My instincts took over and I stepped towards her, throwing my arms out in front of myself to catch her. She landed gently in my arms with her back pressed against my chest and my arms wrapped around her protectively. "Are you ok?" I asked, once I knew that I had a good grip on her and she wasn't going to fall out of my arms. "Get your hands off her!" Jake roared. I looked at him in confusion; shouldn't he be grateful that I had saved Bella from potentially falling and smacking her head on the floor? Bella quickly pushed my arms off her and stepped away just in time before Jake's fist came flying at me and connected with my face. "JAKE!" Bella screamed. "What the hell are you doing?" Pain shot through my jaw and I rubbed it quickly as I felt rage building in my chest. If I had done something wrong then I would have accepted the punch, but I hadn't done anything so I wasn't going to take that lying down. I launched myself at him and hit him in the face as hard as I could. "Edward, don't!" Bella yelled but I couldn't stop myself. Jake grunted and curled over in pain and I thought that was going to be the end of it but then he pushed forward and wrapped his arms around my waist, pushing us both down onto the floor. I groaned as I landed on my back with Jake laying over the top of me

and swung my arms as hard as I could, trying to hit him as often as possible. I got a few good punches in, but so did he and I could start to feel bruises developing under my shirt. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" Bella yelled. "What is going on here?" Charlie yelled, and I immediately stopped swinging my arms. The last thing I needed would be to end up in one of Charlie's jail cells down at the station. Jake's weight was lifted from me and I saw Charlie restraining him while Emmett helped me to my feel but kept a tight grip on my arm to stop me running at Jake again. Jake turned to Bella. "Are you ok?" he asked. "No, I'm not ok!" she yelled before running out of the room and a few seconds later I heard a door slam. "What the fuck, man?" Emmett asked once everyone had dispersed. Charlie had taken Jake out into the yard to cool down but they had both given me a warning look before leaving the room. "He just hit me out of no where," I said, justifying my actions. "He must have had a reason! Did you say something about Bella?" he asked. "I swear, I didn't do anything," I said again before describing how Bella and I had been making a salad and she had tears from the onion when Jake walked in and got angry. "Well, I think it'd be best if we all just left," Rose said. "Yeah," I agreed. "I'm just going to say goodbye to Bella and make sure she's ok," I said before heading out of the room. "Edward!" Jasper called as he followed me. "Just leave her alone for a while. She's upset and if Jake finds you with her you know it will just make things worse," he reasoned. I sighed loudly. I knew he was right but I still wanted to check on Bella. "Let's go!" Alice said as she walked quickly past me and out the front

door. We all followed her and as I was about to climb into the car I looked back at the house and saw Bella watching us out the window. I paced around the living room at home debating whether I should call and check on Bella or not. I knew that Jake was furious at me and I was not completely convinced that he wouldn't take it out on her now that I wasn't there. I talked myself into believing that I was doing the right thing and texted Alice to ask her for Bella's new phone number. She replied immediately and I stared at the number on my screen for a few seconds wondering if I should hit the call button. I wasn't sure what kind of reception Bella would give me; would she be mad? Would she tell me we couldn't see each other again? I had to take the chance because I knew I wouldn't sleep all night, wondering if she was ok. I hit the call button and listened the ringing. I decided that if Jake answered I would just hang up and try again later, I didn't want to make the situation worse than it already was. "Hello?" Bella's voice came through the phone and I breathed a sigh of relief. "Bella, are you ok?" I asked her. "Edward?" Bella questioned. She sounded confused. "Yeah, Alice gave me your number, I hope that's ok," I told her. "Oh yeah it's fine. But what were you going to do if Jake answered?" she asked. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me when I pictured myself if that happened. "Hang up," I admitted sheepishly. "So, are you okay?" I added. "Is Jake angry at you?" "I'm fine, we talked about it. He said he was sorry he hit you and he knows that he shouldn't have done it," Bella explained. "I'm really sorry, Edward. Are you hurt?" That sounded to me like Jake had come grovelling to her trying to make up for what he had done. I had to give him credit, but I was relieved that he wasn't angry at her now. I rubbed my cheek gently

where I could feel some swelling and winced at the contact. "I'll probably have a black eye in a few hours but apart from that I'm fine. I was concerned that he would take it out on you after everyone left," I said honestly. "That would never happen. Jake treats me really well, there's no need to worry." She sounded insulted and I worried that I had offended her. "Okay, well I just wanted to check in. I'm glad that you are okay. Will I talk to you soon?" I asked. I wasn't sure why, but I had a feeling like she was pulling away from me. I knew this situation was hard for her and I hated pushing her to give me an answer but the thought of not seeing her make my chest hurt. "Yeah," she said, but she had hesitated. "Maybe we could have lunch next week? Just as friends" I practically begged. "I'll let you know," she said softly and then hung up the phone without saying goodbye. A weight descended in my chest and I knew that Bella and I were not going to be friends. She was choosing Jake and I would have to live with seeing them together all the time and knowing that she didn't want me. I paced around the living room several times going over the things that Bella had said to me since we had met up again. I realized that she had not once indicated that she was interested in being with me again. Sure, she had said that she still loved me, but not that she wanted to be with me. She had never wavered from her stance of being with Jake and she had encouraged me to sell the house and move to Seattle away from her. The plan settled in my mind as if it had always been there and I had just pulled the curtain back to reveal it and I dialled my friend Felix from college. He had always offered me a job in his clinic if I wanted it and now was the perfect time to move to Seattle. Half an hour later I had spoken with Felix and agreed to start work with him the following Monday; that gave me eight days to pack up,

sell the house, and say goodbye to Bella.