Thirty Days and Thirty Thoughts

Thirty Days and Thirty Thoughts
John Paul Sharp
by John Paul Sharp November, 2011
John Paul Sharp
Table of Contents:
1. Efng Facebook and the Damned Internet 2. Best Performance and Broke as Hell 3. Addictions a Bitch and So Am I 4. I Hate Amateurs. 5. Im Getting Fat! 6. I Owen Pallett 7. Car-less is not Clueless 8. #occupypolitics 9. A Noose or a Gun Gets the Same Job Done. 10. I Hope I Get It! 11. I Blame Skyrim. 12. I Blame Skyrim. 13. I Blame Skyrim. 14. The Desire to Escape. 15. Men n Me 16. Reverse Racist! 17. Online Bad-Asses Are Anything But 18. People Arent Disappointing, Are They? 19. My Brains On Fire 20. Things Im Grateful For 21. Make Your Own Kind of Music 22. Only in My Dreams 23. 2012 is Gonna Be CRAZY 24. Im Stuffed Like That Turkey 25. My Heaven Has Cats 26. Looking Ahead to the Next Year 27. So Proud of Myselfs 28. The End of the World 29. My Obituary 30. Silence is Golden
John Paul Sharp
Day One: Efng Facebook and the Damned Internet

Im taking a hiatus from Facebook, Google+, Twitter and all those social networks that Im connected to. I tend to do this every year around this time. Theres something about November that brings me to a place where Im just fed up with the personas that people, myself included, put out there in the great world wide web. Usually what triggers my hiatus is that Ive pissed someone off or they have pissed me off about something. If theres anything that social networks do, they show you how disappointing people can be. Let me tell you what started it this year. I was rather active on Facebook yesterday. I posted lots of random thoughts about how I almost left the house with slippers on and how sunny it was and how Id listen to RuPauls Champion music album. I also happened to post another simple, random thought, which happened to stir up some emotions within a specic person, a former music professor of mine who Ive worked a lot with over the last few years. I stated the fact that I didnt care if singer Chris Brown hated gay people and that I still thought his voice was yummy. My old professor commented on my status update: Ummm, he also thinks its okay to hit women. Uh-oh. I had forgotten all about that. You see, I recognize the media has a tendency to oversimplify events and situations that occur between celebrity gures. This, in turn, allows me to easily forget fundamental issues the media decides to cover that dont necessarily have a direct consequence for me. Chris Brown hitting Rhianna doesnt directly affect me as much as his anti-gay comments he keeps putting out there. My response to her comment was an attempt to explain Chris Browns violent behavior. I believe that Chris Brown is probably gay himself and because hes steeped in an extremely homophobic community and held to a higher standard much like bacteria under a microscope, violence is his way of acting out. My former professor responded with something to the effect of: No. Sorry. You cant rationalize hitting a woman. Its unacceptable whether hes straight or gay or whatever. My attempt to explain his actions were construed as a way to justify his actions and that was not what I was trying to do at all. In my mind, she was saying to me that I should not nd Chris Browns voice to be yummy and at the very least, I should not be posting on the Internet that he provides anything of value to the world because of an incident of his domestic violence that the media blasted for months.
John Paul Sharp
Before I read her response, I had also posted another status update about how I need to fulll one hundred hours of volunteer work in a counseling-related capacity and whether anyone had any ideas of a good organization I could work with in Seattle. During all these interactions, I was actually on the way to the admissions department of Antioch University as Ive been seriously considering getting a second masters degree in Drama Therapy. The one hundred hours are part of the minimum requirements of becoming admitted to the college. I received a response to my inquiry almost immediately from someone about how I should volunteer for a domestic violence helpline. I didnt put together the connection that this other person responded because of my Chris Brown conversation held just minutes before this status update. It wasnt until I got home that I saw my old professor liked this domesticviolence response that I made the connection that the person who offered the suggestion was also reacting to the Chris Brown conversation. Its so easy to forget every little thing you post on Facebook is truly being broadcast to hundreds of people, especially when you have 2500+ persons on your friends list like I do. I responded to my former professors comments about how she felt I was rationalizing hitting women. I bluntly posted that I did not nd violence or hitting anyone, regardless of gender, was an acceptable situation at all. Realizing that I might have pissed her off even more by implying that women and men should be treated equally in regard to violence, I became ever more frustrated with the days online interactions. I then posted a rather intellectual and passive-aggressive statement on my Facebook and Google+ page, because, yes, thats what we do when we dont want to just be direct anymore, isnt it? It went something like this: As a life-long learner, I have been trained to view events and situations from several, almost unlimited, angles. Because of this, I think I am misconstrued as someone who is overly accepting and not able or willing to take a stand on important issues. While this may be true, to an extent, I nd it difcult to follow black and white reasoning when I suspect there might be color involved. I think what I nd most frustrating about social interactions on networks like Facebook and Google+ is that black and white reasoning truly trumps any type of explorations into the more colorful aspects about anything. In some ways, these social networks are a reection of what I believe is a move away from critical thinking on behalf of society and people in general. After all, this was just about Chris Browns yummy voice. I can easily separate his personality and personal life from his artistry, but I realize many others cannot and wish not to tolerate others who do. My natural instinct is to feel defensive and possibly come up with a list of all sorts of artistic personalities that
John Paul Sharp
are immoral, but whose work my former professor might enjoy - just to say something like, You know Frank Sinatra was said to have ties to the maa, but I bet you dont care about that, do you? Even though the maa kills people for some of the most trivial reasons! Lots of people praise his work, regardless of this fact, dont they? But then, whenever I actually take the time to look up that information, I lose energy with the whole thing and just feel dejected. What follows my feelings of dejection are the more logical thoughts that tell me, Wait a minute. Lets see if we can x this. I then decided to send a direct message to my former professor with an apology. Im sorry if I offended you today! That was not my intention! I tend to separate the personality from the artist, but you are right. What he did is unacceptable. I just left it at that. After all, I have admired this person for many years and have always wanted her to think well of me. Also, we have done business together every year as I have transcribed and arranged music for her choirs. This amounts to at least ve hundred dollars of income doing something in the realm of music and that is also very, very important to me. Within minutes of sending her the direct message, I saw that I had received numerous likes to my passive-aggressive posting about having a hard time following black and white reasoning. I immediately regretted it, thinking that she would most likely see this posting if I were to keep it up - if she hadnt seen it already. I decided right then and there that I needed to delete everything: the chris brown conversation, my passive-aggressive posting and even my inquiry about volunteer opportunities in a counseling-related capacity. Though, Id say that last one was deleted due to my own embarrassment attached with the entire days interactions. When all the content was deleted, I made up my mind that it was time to take a hiatus from all the social networks until at least Thanksgiving, so I posted an announcement stating my decision. I would take the whole month off, but I have to promote my theatre shows in December about a week before hand. After all, my main reason for social networking has always been about promoting my work as an artist. I just wish, sometimes, that was all my only purpose for having a persona online. If your head is spinning after reading all the words above, dont worry. It should be as my own is. Its the reason why Im taking a hiatus, because when all is said and done, its just a bunch of unnecessary nonsense and drama that can be as preventable as not expressing or acting out online in the rst place. I think many of us who use Facebook multiple times a day are simply addicted. I knew before I made the decision to take a break that it would be difcult. Within an hour of signing off and removing the social networking applications from my phone, I was already wondering how many notications Id
John Paul Sharp
received or if my former professor had responded to my apologetic direct message. When I woke up today, I had to ght the urge to open my laptop and check all the sites. I check my Facebook more than I even check my e-mail most of the time. Just in general living, there are moments every now and then where my actual brain thinks in terms of status updates. Its like my thoughts are sometimes formed in how they can be posted online. I know, as I have done this in previous years, that the more days that go by that I dont check, the more Ill nd other, better things to do. But, like any addiction, there will be a period of angst, a detox of sorts, that must take place. Unfortunately, Facebook isnt like some illegal drug out there where complete removal is the best course of action. Eventually, I will need to get back on start posting again. As a performing artist, the only good way to promote a show these days is by making others aware of my events online. However, by taking this three week break, Ill have more time to do other things and perhaps rework my brain so it doesnt feel so attached to checking in. Hopefully, when I come back, I will be refreshed and more thoughtful about the comments and status updates I put out there in the world. Hopefully, Ill come to realize it is not so crucial to post every little thought that pops into my head. I want to relearn the idea of holding back and only posting quality over quantity. Not everything that comes into my thoughts and experiences needs to be shared. Some moments hold more value when they are kept to myself and held sacred through their isolation. Instead of posting random thoughts and experiences online this month, Ill write my thoughts in the more structured form of essays. Perhaps, in this new method of reection, Ill come to a better sense of self; a self that is more careful - not out of fear of offending anyone, but through the strength and solidarity of having learned more about what I want to share with the world. Thirty thoughts in thirty days. One down, twenty-nine to go. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Two: Best Performance and Broke as Hell

Last night, I went to the Writers and Actors Reading and Performing (W.A.R.P) group for their Bumper Night. Every Tuesday night, they meet at the Odd Duck Studio in Capitol Hill, Seattle, where budding playwrights bring their scripts to be read and critiqued. I ended up being involved in this group when I went on my rst audition after moving here. I chose to audition for their Halloween show because it only involved cold readings and I wasnt in a place where I wanted to memorize a monologue yet. They cast me in four plays and the experience on the whole has been great. Let me explain the Bumper Night. All the playwrights brought one to ve minute scripts to be read by their chosen actors. Id say about ve of us were there simply to act and not have any scripts read. I ended up having six scripts in my hand and one of my fellow actors only had two. I went ahead and gave him a few of the scripts that I had which did not call out to me. When all the scripts were passed around, the titles were called out and someone wrote all of them down. Once they were noted, someone would call out a random title and the actors would come up to the black box stage and coldread the script. After all scripts were read, there were about twenty of them, everyone in the audience voted for their top three scripts and their favorite actor performance. I had four plays in my hand. One was a one page script between two turkeys. Another was a longer script between a cat and a mouse. Then I had two monologues, one being a guy writing a poem while waiting for a Roger Daltry concert to end and another being a man explaining to an ofcer what happened at his familys Thanksgiving dinner. I have a process that Ive developed when I do cold readings like this. I read the script and gure out what type of voice my character has. I believe this is the difference between myself and a lot of other actors. While others might think about what type of personality a character has, I do the same, but I do it by determining what type of voice the character has. I had a specic, theatrical, almost British voice for the cat. I chose a garbled voice for the turkey. I decided the man talking to the ofcer had a southern, slightly redneck dialect and a deep voice. The only one I couldnt put a specic voice together for was the man writing a poem. Its probably because there wasnt enough information for me to gather about what type of man was writing this poem, so I did my best to have a neutral voice for him. Surprisingly enough, the neutral voices are the hardest for me to pull off because in some ways, I struggle to relate to the characters experience in whats written for the script.
John Paul Sharp
Needless to say, you can probably deduce the fact that I received the Best Performance vote from the crowd last night. The person counting the votes said I blew everyone out of the water. All the scripts that I read, with the exception of the poem writing script, were in the top three, as third place had four scripts tied. My southern rednecked voice helped put that particular script into rst place. I ended up getting a big bag of Mars bars as my prize. As I was leaving at the end of the night, the guy who wrote the top winning script asked me if I was going to stick around. I responded with, What - right now? He said he meant to ask whether Id be sticking around for the long haul. I shrugged and told him that I probably would. Im pretty sure I know why he asked. W.A.R.P. is a great group and Im grateful to them for giving me my debut theatre experience in Seattle. However, most of these playwrights are in their sixties and not all of them are the best writers. Also, in my experiences with the many, many rehearsals I had, not all of them are the best directors either. I can understand why people with great talent end up moving on because they get better roles in more professional venues. Most of my rehearsals for W.A.R.P. were in peoples homes, not an actual theatre. I believe Ill always do my best to stick around with W.A.R.P. when I can, not only because they gave me my debut experience but also because one of the directors paid me $25 at the end of the Halloween show. Thats something I have to respect because it is such a rare thing for actors to get paid anything when it comes to theatre. In fact, I have no idea where the paying jobs are for theatre. The only way I could fathom getting paid to act in theatre is to 1) write your own show, 2) be the only actor in your show and 3) take all the money for yourself after paying for the venue. Having written and produced my own shows, I know how difcult it is to just break even, let alone make extra money. My rst musical, My Big Phat Gay Musical, raised over $1000 for one weekend, but thats after paying $600 for the venue, $100 for the sound guy and I did not pay my actors at all. Of course, I did not make $1000 either because it was all for charity. Its frustrating for me, because out of all the things I can be really successful at, so few of them actually earn any money for me. How can I be such a great actor and be unemployed and living off of school loans? I like to think I have a lot of skills that people could benet from, but every job I apply and interview for leads to rejection. Every audition I go to leads to a new show that I dont get paid to act in. I keep hoping that if I just dive into acting, eventually it will lead to paid positions. I think, in the back of my mind, this line of thinking of probably a pipe dream - but I dont know what else to do, really!
John Paul Sharp
When I went to Antioch University the other day, to investigate with their Admissions department as to the probability of me getting admitted to their Drama Therapy program, I had a conversation with a woman in charge there. I mentioned to her that I had been unemployed since May of 2010 and that I couldnt even get a job as a barista with Starbucks. She looked taken aback and basically told me that I shouldnt even be applying for those types of jobs with my education level. But what jobs do I apply for, then? I have a bachelors degree in Vocal Performance. Im about to nish a masters degree in eLearning implementation and design. All the jobs Ive seen for eLearning require that I have so many years of experience designing instruction or training in specic elds. Most of these jobs require that I have a bachelors degree in anything but vocal performance. Part of the problem is the economy, I think. There probably arent enough jobs to go around for employers to take a chance on someone like me. The only people getting jobs today are the people who are 100% ts for the positions. Also, I am an actor and I cant be available 24/7 for any top of job. I need to work during the day time because rehearsals and performances are always at night. I dont want to apply for a job and tell them Im completely available when the simple truth is that Im not. The employers Ive applied to and interviewed for arent hiring people who are less than 100% available, day and night. What am I supposed to do? Give up theatre so I can have a job? If it were even that simple, what type of job can I have in this economy? Ive even applied for jobs that I said Id never work again, like waiting tables. Still, not hired. So, will I be there for W.A.R.P. for the long haul? I guess it all depends on how long I can keep paying rent. For the last few years, Ive been paying rent with school money and unemployment. Unemployment runs out before 2011 is over and eventually, Ill graduate. Im thinking that Ill do what I can to get admitted to Antioch University, though the obstacles for this are somewhat high. I need to fulll one hundred hours of volunteer work in a counseling-related capacity and I also need to take Abnormal Psychology and Theories of Personality before I can even attempt to apply. If I do all these things, including recommendation letters and essays and nancial aid, Ill be a therapist by 2015 or 2016. If I thought that I could make this a reality, Id actually do it. Im not sure if Im the best person to give therapy, but I am talented as a writer and actor and I could see myself having a job and a career where Im helping people. However, I have to take into consideration that Id be in school for ten years by 2015 and Id probably be about $120,000 in school loan debt. I just dont know what to do anymore when it comes to a career that could provide any
John Paul Sharp
type of sustainability for myself or my family. I know my mother is tired of waiting to hear that Im getting a paycheck of some kind. I honestly dont know what to do. For now, Im just following my heart and going where my successes seem to be. So far, in Seattle, my success seems to come from acting. Ill just keep on going to auditions and do as many shows as my schedule will allow. Ill keep living off of student loans and apply for jobs that I think I might be good for. Ill just pray that someday, everything Im doing will make sense and pay off in a way that will provide some sort of nancial security. But most of all, I think Im learning how to embrace being poor. I just dont want to be so poor that I dont know how Ill pay rent from month to month. I want to nd a way to make enough money to just take care of the essentials. That would be much easier if I didnt have a mountain of school debt and credit card balances, but then, that is another thought for another day. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Three: Addictions a Bitch and So Am I

Im only on day three and Im struggling to decide what thought to drive into the ground. I have a lot of options Im thinking about, but I wasnt sure which one to go with next. I suppose addiction had to come sooner or later, so why not get it over with? Ive spent my whole life being addicted to stuff. I dont know if Im to blame my DNA, my parents or, quite simply, myself. In regard to blaming DNA, from what Ive heard, both my grandparents on my fathers side were alcoholics and pretty much died from it. My Aunt Mary has done pretty much every drug under the book and my father has had his own run ins with beer and DUIs. Even my sister was said to have had a drinking problem in the six months leading up to her suicide. Addiction is denitely in our blood. I, myself, have never had a drinking problem. Well, I had a drinking problem for a month or so when I was 18 years old. But I got so sick from drinking countless shots of Yukon Jack that I never really was able to get a tolerance that would allow for something like a habit of drinking. My addictions have almost been exclusively related to smoking. If I could smoke it, Id make a habit out of it: cigarettes, weed, meth, coke, etc. Anything I could smoke. My parents divorced when I was three years old and all throughout my childhood, I craved attention and love from anyone who would give it to me. This is probably how I became a good actor in life and on stage. Its also probably why I ended up having sex with hundreds of men from my teenage years until my early 20s. Of course, this behavior led to massive drug use, or perhaps, more accurately, sex and drugs came along, hand-in-hand. The older you get, the more you just have to blame yourself for any addiction. After all, once youve recognized the fact that you are indeed addicted to substances, you eventually have to acknowledge that you are the only one with the true power to stop yourself from continuing the cycle. While that is easier said than done, the truth of the statement does not falter in anyway. Only the addicted can break free. Im a person that has never been known for temperance. I am a man of extremes and its a curse and a blessing. My extreme personality explains why I earned a 3.94 GPA for my bachelor degree. It explains why I ended up singing the National Anthem at my own graduation. It explains why Ive done as much as Ive done in my late 20s. Of course, it also explains why I earned a 2.67 GPA in high school and it explains why I ended up in the hospital in my early 20s with psychotic paranoid delusions due to a six day meth/marijuana/crack bender. It explains how many times Ive put myself in situations to be raped and it explains how I survived all those incidents.
John Paul Sharp
Ive survived a tremendous amount of traumatic moments in life and I can honestly say that I willingly put myself right into each and every one of them. I dont blame my DNA - well, maybe a little bit. I certainly dont blame my parents hell, if I were to go in that direction, I might as well blame their parents and their parents and so on. No, I just blame myself. So, how addicted am I these days? I havent touched meth in several years. Ill be reaching ten years without that stuff pretty soon. Im actually pretty amazed that I was able to smoke as much meth as I did and come out of it with my life, my mind and my general health. The one permanent damage that meth scarred me with is my wonderful H.P.V. Yep, thats right. Ive had anal warts for ten years. The anal warts were a gift from a Vietnamese man who basically raped me in his apartment. We hung out for an entire weekend and I even hung out with him a little bit after he raped me. He decided he wanted to fuck me hard and I decided it hurt and when I tried to push him off of me, he just kept going even harder and harder. I eventually left my own mind because I couldnt take the whole thing. I dont know what you would call that. Its some kind of defense mechanism. I just remember him pulling off of me when he was nished and I was laying there on the oor, unresponsive, watching a video game in my mind. Ahh, good old meth. A day or so later, I went to the clinic because I couldnt poop. Everything down there had pretty much shut down. I felt like I had to poop and Id sit down and push and nothing would really happen, except for some small bleeding. The doctor at the clinic told me I had such a chronic form of HPV, with torn ssures in my ass, that Id never be able to get it under control. I mean, no one ever loses HPV once you have them, but my warts were not just on the outside, but inside as well. Id have to have major surgery and it wouldnt even guarantee that they stayed away. After all, its a virus. This is not a big problem for me. It does affect my sex life. As a single man, I rarely put myself in sexual situations with men again. Even in my relationships before my current boyfriend, I never told them and never allowed them to put their thing in my behind. Needless to say, that leads to awkward questions that remained unanswered for my exs. My current boyfriend knows about them and doesnt care, but I know hes probably a little disappointed since he loves to eat ass and my ass has a few warts winking back at him. Lets just say, he doesnt try to eat my ass. I dont even let him put his thing in my behind very often because hes got a big one and Im a small guy and its just not the most pleasant experience for me. Its not totally terrible, but its not something I would want to do every day or even once a month. Its more like once in a blue moon. The poor
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guy - but he loves me anyway - and for that, Im eternally grateful. I try to please him in other ways, but we have a ways to go on our journey of sexual enjoyment. I was a major weed smoker for several years. I like to think I transferred my addiction from meth to marijuana. Even in Denver, I had a medical marijuana card and used to drop an easy hundred bucks every week and a half. Oh, my credit card balances are as awful as they are because of a good six month fantasy world where all I had to do was go to the store to get my drugs. In some ways, I miss those days, but for the most part, Im glad I moved because who knows how much farther I would have dug myself into debt from all the marijuana I was buying. It wasnt until this past summer - just a few months ago - that I nally quit buying marijuana. Because I could not get a card here in Seattle, or at least, it was really difcult and expensive, I made it my summer mission to nd a marijuana dealer who could supply me the way I used to supply myself. For a few months there, I did nd someone, but he dicked me around so much that I eventually gave up and decided that I was no longer going to let my peace of mind be dependent on a drug that was becoming harder and harder for me to access due to the new 2nd class status of having to deal with stupid, goddamned dope dealers. Dont get me wrong; I love marijuana and if I were rich and had lots of access, Id probably get high every day like I was doing for so many years. This is not the case, though, and so, as a man of extremes, it pretty much had to be an all or nothing kind of thing. A nothing kind of thing, really. And Im happier now that I dont smoke weed every day. I get out of the house more often. Im doing more shows. Im heading somewhere in my life because Im not so agoraphobic. Yes, Im kind of a bitch sometimes, a little more intolerant than normal, but in general, Im happy. And on the occasions when someone else happens to have marijuana on them and offers to share, its so much more exciting when I partake. Its like an actual, real treat! Plus - I can remember my dreams now. Im dreaming every night and I think my brain is coming more alive. I seem to have no problem memorizing large amounts of lines that Im not quite sure Id have such an easy time with had I not stopped smoking like I did. So, now, all I have left are cigarettes and soda. I drink way too much soda all the time. I cant help it. But Im not worried about soda as much as I am cigarettes. The cigarettes have got to go and sooner than later. Im trying not to stress too much about it right now because I did just quit marijuana. One step at a time. Im getting there.
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Like anything in life, your own situations and life circumstances are, as I mentioned earlier, both your blessing and your curse. The goal is to make them more of a blessing as you get older and older. I think Im getting there. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Four: I Hate Amateurs.

Im really not trying to make this book full of angst-ridden vents, but when I think of what I want to write about every day, the things that come to mind are the matters which are currently affecting me the most. As of today, its amateur theatre people. Ugh, they just get under my skin! So, as of right now, Im in two theatre productions: 1) Herb & Jennifer (H&J) and 2) Sweet and Decent/Dark and Twisty (SD/DT). I was cast in H&J rst and I have the principal role of Herb in this 45 minute play. I also have the principal role of Roger in SD/DT. Both shows are at the Ballard Undergound theatre back-to-back. I had a feeling it might be stressful, but I thought perhaps I could juggle both shows. Ive worked very hard on my role for Herb. Ive memorized the entire play before the second rehearsal because I knew I might get cast in the other show. Whats truly frustrating is that I received my rehearsal schedule for SD/DT before H&J decided to get theirs together. This may not appear like a big deal to you, but let me try to explain it. When I was cast in SD/DT, I told them right off that I was already cast in H&J and that the only major problem would probably be in time conicts. Lucy, one of the directors of that show, let me know that it was ne with them and they would work their rehearsal schedule around the one I had for H&J. Only problem is that H&J never got a full rehearsal schedule to me so I could only send Lucy the tech, dress and a few other rehearsals that had been scheduled. So, Lucy scheduled me for SD/DT around what I had at the time. I sent my rehearsal schedule to the stage manager for H&J, who is supposed to be in charge of guring out everyones schedule. She knew, if she bothered to read the e-mail, what my full rehearsal schedule would be for SD/DT. Well, yesterday, I nally get an e-mail with the schedule for H&J and almost every new rehearsal is schedule back-to-back with my rehearsals for SD/DT. This is a problem because I cant magically go from point A to point B in a few seconds. I also take the bus, so it takes at the very minimum thirty minutes to get from point A to point B. Now, Im in the awkward position of telling Lucy that Ill have to leave 30 minutes early or be thirty minutes late to about four rehearsals. Thats not even the main problem either, because the folks at H&J dont even know where all their rehearsals are going to be - so I dont even know how long its going to take me to get to a point A or point B that has yet to be determined. Im doing everything I can to be accommodating for H&J, but they are so disorganized, that they are making it quite difcult for me to do so. Of course, I could have always said no to SD/DT, but since I am unemployed and Im
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supposedly diving into the theatre, I should be able to do both shows. Its so ridiculous! I have every weekend nearly completely free. Its almost like they decided at H&J to purposely schedule rehearsals right after and right before all my rehearsals with SD/DT! They even scheduled one rehearsals right smack at the same time as one I already have. I could probably safely assume that the stage manager never read my e-mail or glossed it over without comprehending anything there. Its just so confusing to me. Why have a director, a stage manager, a producer, and all these people to do every little thing, if you cant even get a rehearsal schedule together or gure out where rehearsals are going to be? Its amateur and I hate it! I keep hoping that these free acting gigs will lead to better opportunities, but at the current stage Im in, Im just so frustrated. Its not like SS/TD is totally professional either. Half of their rehearsals are in one of the directors homes. Just once, Id like to get into a play or a musical where all the rehearsals are actually at a theatre. Wouldnt that be something? Id love to be cast in a show where the rehearsal schedule is made *before* casting! Doesnt that make sense? And, of course, it would be totally amazing if I could just get into a show that paid their actors something - anything! Then theres the production companies who hold auditions for shows they dont even know are happening for sure. Yes, Im serious. I went on an audition for a musical called Bare that was supposed to benet some LGBT youth suicide prevention organization. Oh, it sounded so legit - so professional! The auditions were held at a gay bar called Neighbours. I should have known from that point that there was something shy going on. I auditioned two songs that they had sent sheet music for ahead of time. They played the music on a CD player and asked me to sing the parts three feet in front of them. I had no problems doing any of that, but after I auditioned, I asked them when their performance dates were. Thats when one of the guys explained that they are still looking for funding and sponsorship before they secure a venue. Are you kidding me? I should have stopped them right there and said, How dare you waste peoples time having them audition for a show that may or may not even happen! But, of course, I didnt. About a month later, I got an e-mail saying that they didnt want me for any roles. That pissed me off too, but I was mostly relieved. I mean - how could I say I would agree to perform in their show when they dont even know when and where the show will happen? What would I be expected to do? Keep my calendar open indenitely? Ridiculous. Amateurs. I hate them!
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You know, the more I think about it and the more I bitch about it, I begin to wonder how much of an amateur I must be. I mean, after all, most of my experiences with theatre over the last few years have had some type of amateurish thing going on. If, after two years, I cant seem to get myself into a more professional group, perhaps that says more about who I am than the groups I keep getting involved with. I think the key is to just keep my attitude positive. I have to remember that I am the one who auditioned for two shows back to back. In some respects, Ive asked for this headache and perhaps, Im bringing that headache to others. Its easy to blame everyone and be super critical, but its less easy to blame yourself and see how you can nd solutions, rather than focus on whats not working. Ill just keep doing these shows and perhaps keep going to W.A.R.P. on Tuesday nights when Im free. Ive also been invited to check out my friend Toms Seattle Theatre Readers on the third Monday of every month. That sounds like a great time, especially because there are no rehearsals! The performance dates are set every month and theres no need for any kind of scheduling. You just show up, read through a script and then perform it in front of an audience! Sounds like my kind of acting! I also want to write another musical for 2012, but Im just not sure how thats going to pan out. A young guy named Bryan has approached me to collaborate with him and his friend to write one, but from the sounds of it, his idea is in such an early stage, Im not sure if it will happen or not. Im getting pretty close to just doing it all myself like I did the rst time when I wrote My Big Phat Gay Musical. Hell, I could always just do that show again, too. The only problem is coming up with the money, time and energy needed to secure a venue, get a cast and a rehearsal schedule and space. I do know all of that is akin to hell on earth and so after all this bitching, perhaps I should remind myself how difcult it was to produce a musical and be a little more tolerant of the crews Im working with now. Well see. I mean, after all, I have done it myself, so I do know whats involved. In some ways, that gives me a right to be a critical bitch, right? Right?? Ill just gure out how to get through these two shows, go on some more auditions and then once Christmas hits, I think Im going to put on the breaks a bit and really gure out what the hell Im going to do with my life in 2012. I keep playing around with this idea of becoming a Drama Therapist and the more I keep doing these shows, the more I feel this urgency to get myself on track for some type of career. No ones going to pay me much money to act on stage and so while the experiences Im getting as an actor are probably good, they are not the end-all for where my life should be going -- not unless I want to be homeless someday.
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So, I guess the next logical step is to gure out how to get these one hundred hours of volunteer work in a counseling-related capacity realized. Part of my soul-searching must including nding that demographic of people that I want to help. I think Ill cover that thought tomorrow or the next day. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Five: Im Getting Fat!

Im starting to get that super-pudgy belly. Well, starting is wrong - Ive got it now. Im not getting fat, like the overly dramatic title states, but if I dont start exercising more and eating better foods, I probably will get fat! Ive always enjoying seeing old boyfriends and classmates I hated from high school on Facebook. Most folks who stayed in Wichita, Kansas did nothing but have babies and get fat. Its always been a pleasure for me to see that one pictures that says, Uh-oh! You got me! Im fat! and thinking to myself, Thank God thatll never happen to me. Well, the older I get, the more I can tell that being obese may not happen for me, but being chunky and holding on to blubber-like skin is denitely in the cards for me. I can tell right now when I look down and see this ugly belly staring back up at me. I want you gone! I yell to myself, but know that the fuckin thing is gonna stay there until I proactively do something about it. As I type this, Im watching that Fork Over Knives movie. You know, I used to like these types of lms. I used to think these documentaries were out there to reveal all the truths that the media and other sources try to keep us from knowing about. But really, over time and documentary after documentary, Ive come to realize that they dont reveal mysteries weve never heard of, they tell us a bunch of stuff we already know but refuse to care enough about to do anything. And, a lot of the time, doing something is easier said. This movie says, Stay away from animal-based foods! Stay away from processed foods! Id like to say to myself that starting tomorrow, Ill only eat plants and vegetables, but then I realize how expensive vegetables are and how much time it will take to cook and prepare everything and then I just order a pizza from Pizza Hut. (Which, coincidentally, I have actually done this evening!) The last time I ate Pizza Hut, I literally ran to the bathroom and expelled water from my ass. I do that more often than I think is probably a good thing these days. It makes me think I should go see a doctor and get a general physical. After all, I havent even had a physical in like ten years. Im easily due. But then, do I really want to go see a doctor? I know I should, because I nally just got on my boyfriends health insurance as his domestic partner. If there was ever a time to see a doctor, now is probably it. But, I worry, if I go see a doctor, Ill only nd out about health problems I probably cant afford to x. Even as I write that thought, I call bullshit on it! Those worries are not strong enough to not do get a physical. I suspect what keeps me from doing it right now is how lazy I am to do other things when nearly every evening, I have to be at a rehearsal somewhere.
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Most likely, Ill keep drinking coffee laden with half and half and sugar, or even more likely, aspartame. Aspartame is something I denitely want to cut down on, but I have preferred it over much of any other type of sweetener, even more so than regular sugar! In fact, I bought some of that expensive blue-agave syrup with low-fat half and half and my coffee just tasted like watery shit! I hated it! Then theres the soda. Soda for me is a real, living addiction. Its nearly up there with cigarettes. You know youre addicted when 1) you drink soda straight out of the 2-Liter, 2) when you see that youre on your last 2-Liter and its running low, you get anxious, thinking that youre not going to feel right if theres no more soda left in the house. Then you make a trip to 7-11 and bring two 2-Liters home and you suddenly feel a hell of a lot better. Sad, I know, but its the truth and Im not here to type 50,000 words to feed you a bunch of bullshit and lies. Im here to type the truth and hopefully learn more about myself in the process. Ive tried to buy other things instead of soda. For a good month there, I was only drinking sparkling water with less-than-natural avors. Somehow, in my mind, I thought it was probably better than soda, but really its no better. Less sugar, but still riddled with aspartame. Also, I was watching that other documentary about how bad plastic is to drink out of and that was really making me feel sick about my addiction as well. And please tell me how in the world are we all supposed to stop drinking out of plastic bottles when just about everything is sold in plastic bottles these days? It feels like, in order to do things right, you pretty much have rail against societys rules and conventions every living, breathing day of our lives. Also, Steve Jobs died of cancer and he was one of those guys who believed in healthy foods and holistic health. Part of why he died was because he refused some kind of surgery in order to seek holistic options. You know why I think he died of cancer? Because of all those electronics. Im sure these smart phones, laptops and tablets are all exuding cancerous radiation as well. I mean, just about every where you look, theres some normal, regular, daily practice that is suddenly discovered to be killing us slowly. Its enough to make your head spin! I wonder if Facebook is cancerous too? Ha! I wouldnt doubt it has some type of psychological cancer. You know, being pudgy is really not all that big of deal. Not until you start watching shows like The A-List: New York, or even worse, The A-List: Dallas. Its sickening to see how materialistic and physically-driven all those gay guys are. But, as sickening as it is to watch, I have to admit that simply watching it is nearly contagious in that after 45 minutes, you begin to look at yourself and surrender to the idea that you just simply would not measure up to those guys and would never be considered in a circle like that. Even if you dont care for the circle,
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youd still like to think you could be accepted into it. Sad, I know, but thats America, aint it? Theres so many things out there that were supposed to be worried about, I tend to always come to that idea of, Well, everyone is going to end up dying of some type of cancer or some damn thing that we have such little control over, so why not just live life how you want to live and not worry about it? Of course, even that idea is easier said than done. Sure, its easy to go around and eat everything you want and smoke all day and drink bunches of soda, but at the end of the day, you nd yourself looking down and seeing an angry, ugly belly staring back at you. So then, is that really living life how you want? The more I think about it, the more I wish I hadnt have eaten those three (maybe four?) pieces of pizza. Theres that familiar heavy feeling in my stomach, as though I just ate a small boulder and its sitting there. And the best way I know how to x that feeling, albeit, temporarily, is ... wait for it! ... Smoking a nice, long cigarette! And maybe a nice hour or two laying down on the couch, watching television. Oh, youd think I was just a big hot mess, and maybe I am, but really, I think Ive got a decent head on my shoulders. Ive just got some issues like every other American out there. Maybe tomorrow, Ill stop eating meat and dairy. Maybe Ill stop drinking aspartame laden drinks. Hell, maybe Ill even quit smoking! But the truth is, I wont stop any of those things. Ill just keep doing what Ive always done, except maybe, Ill do a little less every day until I get to a better place health-wise. But Ill be damned if I eventually become the healthiest person in the world and then nd out at age 60 that I get cancer anyway. Isnt that how the world works? Whatever the most ironic situation is what you get handed to you at the end of the day. Even my grandpa, who ate plenty of meat and even smoked for several decades before quitting as a young senior, didnt have his rst known heart attack until he was in his late nineties. Although, they did say he probably had some minor ones and just never did anything about it. Still, he seemed to live life how he thought he should live it and hes still alive at a grand old ninety-eight years of age! Im not sure Id really want to be that old. Not a whole lot of great things happen to you at that age, I dont think. But I also dont want to die some terrible, slow death at age sixty-something either. Whatever age I am when its my time to go, I just want to be able to close my eyes and go to sleep and then make my way to through the solar system peacefully. Or if my death has to be painful, I hope it is so quick, I barely knew what happened. Actually, I want to know what happened, but I hope its quick. I hear if you dont know what happened, you become stuck like a ghost and that seems like a real drag. Id like to know Im
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dying so I can make my way to wherever Im supposed to go, but I dont want it to be hellishly painful (as if I were creating some choice by typing these wishes!) Well, Im not getting fat, but Ive gotten a belly. Maybe by next year, I can say that this belly has gone away. Wish me luck! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Six: I Owen Pallett

I spent the last two hours attempting to get to Ballard from my home at 18th and Union in Capitol Hill. It is Sunday, so Im hoping and praying thats why it took so ever-loving long to get here. Otherwise, weve got a real efng problem over the next few weeks as I attempt to be at two places nearly at the same time, thanks to the H&J show scheduling all their rehearsals right around the SS/TD show. Ahh, Im trying to keep it positive, god damn it! I had plenty of time to listen to my tunes on my iPhone as I waited for and on all the busses to get to Ballard. First, I listened to the new Bjrk album, Biophilia. Geeze, I just love her work! Its the kind of music that you can listen to over and over and nearly every time youll hear something new. Thats my kind of music. Owen Pallett is very much similar in the sense that there is always something new to hear when you listen to his music, whether its on one of his self-named albums or on his former pseudonym, Final Fantasy. All of his music is heavily orchestrated with an emphasis on the violin that he plays. A lot of what you hear in his music is repeated violin lines that he translates to stage performances when he tours, employing a repeat pedal. The rst time I ever heard him, I had discovered him by searching out Final Fantasy game soundtracks. I absolutely love all the music thats created for that video game franchise, especially all the stuff that Nobuo Uematsu composed. If youve never heard any of it, you should denitely look it up. Youll be happy if you like modern classical music. What Owen Pallett does is he creates these large, original classical works and he sings to them in such a way that it becomes the perfect balance between singer/songwriter, pop and classical. Hes not afraid to use and play with a large amount of dissonance, which is probably what makes me so happy. Im just not one of those guys who likes to listen to a song and be able to understand everything from the rst listen. I like a song to be so complex, whether subtly, or outright, that I have to listen to it at least thirty times before I feel like Ive heard everything. I mean, dont get me wrong, I love a simple song too, but the ones I come back for are the recordings and compositions that are intricate and, I guess you could say, high-level. It drives me crazy when I profess my love for artists like Owen Pallett and Bjrk and if Im lucky enough to be speaking to someone who has actually heard their work, I usually get responses of disgust or even confusion. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was talking about Bjrk with a good friend of mine who is what I
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would consider a Top 40 connoisseur, and he said he listened to Bjrks new album and said it was pretty boring. I was like, What? Are you kidding me? But, I guess, different strokes for different folks. I think her work was painstakingly thru-composed and her efforts have not gone unnoticed with me. Its just a shame, I think, that someone with so much musical experience would not recognize the quality that comes from the newness of her music. After all, shes offering something you havent heard before - not something thats been rehashed and rehashed by countless artists over the years. Thats what gets me so much about Lady Gaga. All these people think shes so innovative and artistic. Ive heard her stuff and every one of her songs reminds me of something Ive already heard before. She offers nothing new in terms of musical or lyrical concepts. The rst and last time I heard her album, I was on a road trip to San Juan Island and the whole time, I kept thinking, Is this an homage to the 80s and 90s? I was sincerely confused as I could swear she was borrowing hooks from a bunch of songs from the Top 40 of the last few decades. Several months ago, I had mentioned to this same friend that I really loved Owen Palletts work. He told me he thought he was good and everything, but can you really remember anything hes ever done? He was insinuating that Pallett has no memorable hooks or sense of pop. I, of course, would be to differ. But then, again, different strokes, right? I can hear the pop hooks in both Owen Palletts and Bjrks songs. They are not immediate. You may not pick them up on the rst listen. They become obvious after the third, fourth or even fth time of listening to a song. But when it clicks, you cant get them out of your head. They are absolutely intoxicating to me. I love music that demands more out of you than passive interest. I love music that says, I dont care if you dont get it. Youll have to try harder. Any kind of music that shocks me or confuses me or makes me ... gasp ... think! Thats my kind of music. Listening to Owen Pallett today inspired me. It made me want to go straight back home and work on my own music. Of course, I cant do that. Im at Ballard writing this message and waiting for 4:30 to come around so I can start another rehearsal for H&J. Actually, I just got a text saying rehearsal was cancelled because my co-actress may have gotten glass in her ear and might need to go to the hospital. Maybe Im just a stickler for grammar, but if you ask me, if you may have glass in your ear, you should go to the hospital. Otherwise, how does one know you truly have glass in your ear? I guess I should stop being such a bitch, but Im
John Paul Sharp
a little annoyed that I made a two hour trip up here for no reason. I guess I could go shopping for some clothes - as I do desperately need them - but Ill probably just nish my thought for the day and head back home. I probably should be worried about my co-actress. I surely hope there is no glass in her ear. As I was saying, Owen Pallett inspires me. Bjrk does too. Whenever I listen to their music, it makes me want to go home and make amazing music too. My self-condence says, You could never put together anything like they can! And reality says, Technically, thats true. And then the optimist in me says, But, you never know! People have made some amazing music with very little resources or updated equipment. I havent actually sat down to record a serious album since this past summer. This may seem like recent times to most of you, but for as prolic as I used to be, its like a world away. Ive got that itch to sing and make new songs. Ive spent so much time in what I call straight theatre (theatre without music), Im starting to feel claustrophobic and boxed in! I do have ideas for some songs and musical concepts. I got one great idea from playing Myst the other day. Remember that game? Ha! Its on the iPhone now. Theres one clue in the game that shows a musical interval pattern starting at low C, then an octave up, then to the Eb, then Low F, then down a fth to the Bb. My musical memory is so good that once I played the intervals, they were immediately stuck in my mind and I did not need to refer to my notes later when needing to use that clue in the game. I played the sequence on my keyboard to memorize it and it sounded to beautiful with harps that I wanted to tuck the idea away in my head so later I might be able to use it. Since my rehearsal was cancelled, maybe I will just go home and see if I can make any magic happen. My boyfriend is supposed to be home all night tonight, but I wont let that stop me. Ive let it stop me before, as often my dear boyfriend can make a lot of sound around the house. Its just part of his own personal music, making sounds, interacting with the world in clunky, resonating way. I also have my friend Sabrinas music to work on too, which is what I probably should focus on instead. Shes sent me 12 songs of hers that shes been working on for the last year or so. Before I moved to Seattle, I told her Id produce some of her tracks and she nally took me up on it. Ive already worked on one and it was truly a fun experience. Its too bad I havent heard back from her on it, but Im also not surprised. She participates in NaNoWriMo every year and shes probably on 70,000 words by now. Ha! At any rate, theres no hurry, but I suppose if I were to have priorities with making music, her tracks should come rst. I dont want it to be 2013 by the time I get them back to her.
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Well, I guess Id better get the hell out of this stupid Starbucks and see how long its going to take me to get back home. Then I can worry about what Ill actually do with my time when I get there. Until tomorrow ... BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Seven: Car-less is not Clueless

It was around the year 2004 that I decided to sell my car and stop driving for good. What sparked my nal decision was a mixture of things, but I always think of these articles I kept reading in the New York Times about global oil peak. Something inside me said I might as well stop driving now before it really got crazy. Also, I was experiencing problems with at tires and getting to work anyway, and I just thought it was high time I gured out how to get around without depending on a car. My good friend John Maxwell, who helped me buy the same car, and spent a few thousand to x it up and get it roadworthy from Wichita, Kansas to Denver, Colorado, ended up buying the car back from me. I should have just given it to him, but he was always wanting to help me and at the time, I was always wanting help, so it worked out for me. It all seems a bit ridiculous now, when I look back on it, but oh well. What can I say? Such is life. I ended up learning how to ride a bike to three miles to work and back about ve days a week for a good six or seven months. I remember realizing that if there was a bit of mist outside, it probably meant that Id be soaking wet by the time I got to work. I ended up losing a good amount of weight and having my legs get super strong. Most of the time, I felt really good about having sold my car. Then I got into an accident. It was not my rst tumble, but it was my most devastating one. I was only a few minutes from my home too, ying a good twenty miles an hour through a curving road in Cheesman Park. The bus in front of me was heading right into my part of the lane, which forced me to head over closer to the curb. I had my iPod and earbuds in, listening to Eric Carmens Make Me Lose Control. (How tting, right?) Well, when I edged closer to the curb going downhill as fast as I was, the tire on my bike ended up hitting a deep groove in the curb and my front tire immediately turn and I ew several feet. I had no helmet on and Im lucky that I didnt die or end up with severe brain damage. What saved me? A six-pack of 20 oz. Diet Pepsi in my backpack. Somehow, due to some type of physics I still cant understand, my backpack ended up swinging me around and it took the majority of the impact. I remember being completely shocked. Luckily, it was a Saturday afternoon and there were lots of people at the park. One guy saw me and asked if I was okay. He had that sound in his voice like he knew I probably wasnt okay, but I, being so proud, said I was ne. Then I felt my shoulder and knew, by the unnatural indentation, that I was not okay. I said back to the man, I think I need an ambulance. And boy, did I ever. I had severely dislocated my arm right out of it socket. Within six minutes, I was in an ambulance and on my way to the hospital.
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There were lots of doctors. They ended up giving me morphine, which totally freaked me out. As long as someone was talking to me, I was ne, but as soon as people left my eld of vision, my heart would start racing out of control. Eventually, they gave me some drug that didnt put me completely out of consciousness, but it did something so that I would not remember what was going on. I remember waking up and seeing several doctors above me. I asked them if they put my arm back in and they all chuckled and doctor said, Well, we tried, but you put up a pretty nasty ght. Were going to try it again. Apparently, I was not having it. I blacked out again and then came to later. My friend Elizabeth came and helped to take me home from the hospital. I was extremely emotional and weepy and nauseous. When I wasnt puking, I was crying. I think it was the morphine. It was a crazy time for me and I never rode a bike again. If I ever do ride a bike again, which I may, I will always have a helmet on. I know for sure that a bunch of soda saved me from dying most likely. But I digress. My thought today is about being car-less. For the most part, I prefer this lifestyle. I dont have to pay insurance or a monthly parking space. I have no maintenance to pay for, no oil changes and no accidents. And perhaps, the biggest thing is that I dont have to pay for $4.00 per gallon gas. I cant even imagine how people can afford to do that. It totally blows my mind and from what I can tell, it will only get more expensive with every new year. Im thrilled that I dont have to be a part of all of that. However, on nights like tonight, I just wish I had a car. Im currently sitting in this Decent community center waiting to perform at an audition for A Chorus Line with the Seattle Musical Theatre group. This community center building is smack-dab in a large place called Magnussen Park, which is located in the deep northeast section of Seattle. I left way too early to get here because I had no idea how long it would truly take me to arrive. I had to take two busses to get here and I was leaving during rush hour, and being very early is much better than being a little late. Well, I ended up being a whopping hour and fteen minutes early. I arrived to the park area in the dark and it took me awhile to nd where I was supposed to be. Because I was so early, I decided to take a walk around the soccer elds and watch these young kids practice. As I continued to walk past them (there were no seats, so I thought it was weird for me to stand there, some Decentr dressed in black, watching kids at night!), I ended up getting lost in some Decent eld area. I kept walking, thinking Id eventually nd a cut-away road to get me back into the direction of the community center, but no. I ended up turning around and nally came back to the community center about forty minutes early.
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I still wasnt even sure I was in the right place. Theres nothing here that says, Theatre this way. But then, I realized, Of course not. Im so early that the theatre people arent even here yet. And I was right. They nally just showed up a few minutes ago and Ive got about fteen minutes until I have to go up there and sing a few 32-bar songs and perform a one-minute monologue. I just have nights like tonight where I kind of wish I had a car so then I could have just driven up here on my own and instead of leaving my house at 4:30 so I could get here by 5:45 - waaaay too early for a 7:05 audition that will literally last about ve minutes long. But then, in reality, I am really glad I dont drive. And at this point, Ive whittled down my lifestyle to the point that I could not even afford to get a car, let alone keep it for very long. Of course, it would denitely help my acting career if I had a car. If I had a car, I could do mystery dinner theatres for private parties. Or, I could go around and teach kids stuff and entertain them at schools across the city. Or, I could promote products for different businesses in the region. Those are all paid acting gigs - all of which require that you have a car to get around as every gig is in a different part of the metro area. But, I still believe that global oil peak is a reality we will all soon have to deal with. Im glad to say that I proactively kept myself from contributing to the mess which is Americas oil addiction. Sure, Im still going to have to pay exorbitant prices for regular food and every other cost which is attached to oil, but at least I wont be paying $10 for a gallon of gas. Ill just keep paying my $2.50 per trip. UPDATE: Well, its 8:00 p.m. now and my audition is over with. It went really, really well! The audition was held in a small gymnasium, which made me really happy because you can really hear your voice with the acoustics bouncing all over the place. I sang both of my 32-bar pieces beautifully and my monologue was okay too. The monologue was okay because it was the rst thing I did and the director lady who was right in front of me did that thing that makes you so nervous: she sits there with her body perched forward with a big, planted smile on her face with eyes that never moved away from your gaze. Because my monologue is such a conversational piece, there was little room for me to look anywhere else but right in her face. My goodness, it started making me nervous for sure and its so hard to stay focused on what youre doing when the only person you can look at it is not looking away from you for one moment! The rst 32-bar piece I sang was from the musical Bare, a song called Best Kept Secret. Its not my favorite piece and not even that amazing for an audition, but it was something I had just memorized for the other stupid audition I had about a month ago - you know, for the show that still didnt have dates or a
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venue? Ugh. Well, I gured I might as well sing it because it is much different than my other piece. The second 32-bar piece was something I wrote myself from my rst musical, My Big Phat Gay Musical. Its the song, Gut Feeling and Ill probably always use it for auditions because its full of in-your-face belting and most of the time, I can sing it really well and I denitely did tonight! As soon as I nished, the director said, Well, there you are! Ha! It just felt so good to sing again. Its been way too long since Ive gotten to sing like that. That is my real passion, singing! Id be poor for the rest of my life if it meant that I could sing on stage every weekend. Someday. Someday. And I take back wishing I had a car. I gure that Im just working my way to downtown shows. Eventually, Ill start getting shows that have paying gigs. I just have to keep at it. Before you know it, Ill be singing on 5th Ave. Just wait and see! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Eight: #occupypolitics

You knew it was coming. Eventually, Id have to plumb the depths, or more accurately the lack thereof, of the ridiculous circus which is known as American Politics. Lately, I cant help but make correlations in my mind about the way supposedly less sophisticated countries behave and how our country is starting to behave. As far as I can tell, we have no viable candidates on the Republican front. Herman Cain does not exude intelligence or meaning-making in any of his conduct with news media. All I get is one sensational byte after another, but Im not hearing anything from him about how were going to create jobs or x the economy. While most of what comes out of his mouth is at rst thought funny, really its all oversimplied and terrifying. He doesnt know much about how the constitution works, nor does he know a lot about foreign policy or modern world history. It seems like hes most concerned with protecting human fetuses rights to be born, but he doesnt seem as interested in making sure that the quality of life for future generations will be much worth living. After all, once youre born and in this world, his motto seems to be: If youre not rich, blame yourself! I dont even really know much about the other candidates. What I know about Rick Perry is that he seems to be cracking under pressure. Rick Santorum completely went off the media map. Michelle Bachman is supposedly a crazy bitch with an in-the-closet husband who, together, attempt to harm children by making them straight. Then theres Ron Paul, who, frankly, is far too old to be running my country. Sorry. By the way, Im also totally pissed at the idea that Obama is our only choice on the Democratic side. I really feel our country could use a lot of options right now and while Obama isnt a terrible option for president, I dont feel like hes the ultimate candidate either. Dont get me wrong, hes done plenty for the country, but I also feel our country is in a place where we need more than plenty. We need a hero! I wish we had someone vying for the presidency who is a real balls-to-thewall person ready to shake up the system and x the broken parts of our government. Perhaps someone with a little Shirley Chisolm energy, mixed with some Steve Jobs ingenuity, but someone who cares about our country and not just making personal prot. I wish our country would view the idea of nding alternative energy sources with the same type of energy that we used to put a man on the moon. America could be on the forefront again if we were able to nd a way to produce sustainable energy. Why couldnt it be a race to never need oil again?
John Paul Sharp
Also, itd be real nice if we were to put more resources on creating better transportation systems for our larger cities and creating systems that dont depend on or cater to drivers. Our neighborhood need to be self-sustainable, meaning that no matter where you live, you can walk to get your food and you can take a bus to get to work. I want a president who demands that corporations put limits on how much inuence they can have on government. I want a president who is ready to change how senators and legislatures are brought into ofce. I really do like Warren Buffetts idea that if our countrys budget is in a decit, any current senators must step down if they cannot nd a way to get us back on track. I suppose we mostly have ourselves to blame for getting into the mess that were in. After all, its us, the American people, who vote these idiots into ofce. Its us who keep them there. Its us who would prefer to stick our heads in the sand and not pay attention to the fact that people are getting arrested all over the country for protesting on behalf of us. I dont watch much television news. I only watch three programs for the most part: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Countdown. It seems to me that the one news program that really follows the occupy protests is Countdown with Keith Olberman. Otherwise, I dont think Id know half of what was going on with that movement. I am excited for the protestors. There have been many moments over the last month or so that I wished I had the balls to get out there on the streets and join them. I mean, its not like I have a job. Ive been unemployed and living off of unemployment and school loans for the last year and a half. If anyone should be out there protesting, its me - but Im afraid to join them. Why? Cause Im afraid Id go off the deep end if I did. And knowing my luck, the one day I got out there with a protest sign, Id end up getting interviewed or plastered on some local news station or something. Im afraid of the repercussions involved with being labelled as a protestor. I do want to work someday and I have been trying to get a job here and there. The only problem is that no one seems to want to hire me. Either I have too much education to be a barista or retail sales person, or I dont have enough experience and the right education to be a project manager or other higher level jobs. And Im 32. I really dont know what Im going to do career wise. Ive spent so much time in the last ten years being the best artist that I can be that I didnt stop and think about how the hell I could t myself into this deteriorating economy. While Im very grateful for all the experiences Ive created for myself, unfortunately, none of them ever panned out to create any type of sustainable income. Im your regular, average, unemployed artist. The only thing
John Paul Sharp
thats kept me aoat is unemployment and school loans. Im a slave to government money. Sooner than later, my unemployment will run out and then Ill be left with just school money. I absolutely am going to have to get some type of job by next summer or were gonna be in real trouble. I have no idea what to do either. Im currently nishing an M.A. in eLearning Implementation and Design. I have no idea how this will get me a job. Im creating this portfolio that will basically consist of a small educational website as well as some other educational and technological projects. Most of the jobs Ive seen related to eLearning are positions like, LMS Manager or Instructional Designer. LMS management usually wants a few years of experience managing learning systems that Ive never managed before. Most instructional designer jobs want me to have a bachelor degree in science or math or english. My B.S. is in Vocal Performance. (Wah, wah, wah, waaaaaah) In this economy, its totally an employers market and if you dont t these higher level job descriptions to a tee, youre probably going to get shufed down to the bottom, where no one cares and no one offers jobs. I feel like I have extremely good technical skills. I can usually manage my way through any type of computer program rather quickly. I can type 90 words per minute on my best day. Im personable, for christs sake! I am an actor, ya know! But no matter what job I apply for, I end up getting rejected. My friend Tiffani showed me some positions at her job that I was interested in, but most of the qualications on the jobs I dont exactly meet. Like, for example, one wants me to be procient with Microsoft Sharepoint. While Ive never used the program, I feel pretty condent that I could gure it out - but is that really the kind of thing youd want to say on a job interview? No. Also, the jobs are in Bothel, WA and while I dont exactly mind commuting that far, Id pretty much have to give up all the acting Im doing and Im not sure Im really ready to do that just yet. Sorry to say, I want it all. I want to continue to work on my craft as a performance artist and I want to work in the Seattle metro area. I dont even care if I have a 20-hour per week job making $10 an hour either. I just want something to sustain my family after my unemployment runs out. It seems to me like in order to get a job today, you have to lie. At least - I do. Like, for the barista job, I should have removed all my education and said that I got a GED or something. Then, I should have said that I could be available to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I think, then, I could have gotten a job there. But instead, I told the truth and showed my level of education and said I couldnt be available at night because Im an artist. Sorry. I may be an actor, but Im not a liar!
John Paul Sharp
So, the drama continues. Will I ever get a job? Will I ever have some sort of career? I have no idea. I just hope I dont lose my apartment and end up homeless someday. I suppose when that happens, I really will have to join those protestors - but for now, Ill just focus on school and acting and hope that something good comes out of all of it - and pray that we dont end up with a president who will throw us all into the dark ages. Keep your ngers crossed! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Nine: A Noose or a Gun Gets the Same Job Done.

Well, its technically day ten already. Its 1:11 a.m. and Im nally just sitting down to start typing. The time I had allotted to do my daily writing was originally reserved for the hour or so that I had before my H&J rehearsal tonight. Just as soon as I began typing in Starbucks, my Co-Actor, Ali, showed up and saw me. I thought it was Decent that she happened to come to Starbucks so early, since she does have a car. For whatever reason she came early, we ended up chatting. She apologized for the fact that we did not have a rehearsal last Sunday because she thought she might have glass in her ear. Shes a waitress at a breakfast/lunch joint and I guess one of the bussers there stacked hot glasses and one of them exploded right next to her face. Yikes! She told me she went to the ER and had her ear checked and ushed and luckily, there was no glass in her ear. But that was not the only news she had. Unfortunately one of her close friends from San Francisco lost a younger sister to suicide. Because this friend is like a second family to Ali, it was clear that she needed to leave town for the funeral and be there for her friend. While its completely tragic that this fteen year old girl hung herself (for reasons I was not told and did not ask about), I was actually relieved that our rehearsals would be cancelled for the next week. I was scheduled in back-toback rehearsals and now I wont have to be late or leave early and can just go to one rehearsal at a time. It saves me stress, but I am deeply sorry to hear about the news of this tragic suicide. Theres really nothing good about that at all. I myself have had experience with suicide. My only sister shot herself in the head when she was thirty years old - on the day before my 28th birthday. I clearly remember being at work and seeing my father call me. I rarely ever pick up my phone when my dad calls, let alone when Im working. He left a message, I checked it and I heard something Decent, but I didnt understand what it was that I had heard. I called him and we spoke for a few minutes. It was all very confusing to me. I had never experienced it before - when someone tells you something and it just doesnt register in your mind. I got off the phone with my dad and continued to wait tables for another thirty minutes. I was completely distracted. I remember customers getting snotty and impatient with me because it was like I was walking around in some type of dream, like I wasnt even really there. I dont know what it was that triggered me to nally let the fact sink in, but I nally went to my coworker and told her that I thought I needed to go because I thought my sister was dead. As soon as I let the words escape my own mouth, I completely broke down. I sat down outside in the alley behind the restaurant and just cried for a
John Paul Sharp
good half hour. I remember how the bread vendor tried to console me and how my coworker, who I happened to hate and despise, attempted to console me. I hadnt seen my sister in years and we talked on the phone under the most random moments - probably three or four times a year. She used to always call me at the bar because shed want me to talk to one of her friends so they could hear how gay I was. My sister came out as a lesbian when she turned twenty-ve years old and because my dad is also gay, I have a feeling that this was probably a common topic, how gay her family was, so when she called me at the bar to talk to one of her friends, I acted as a validator for all of that. Other times she would call me was on Mothers Day. Those were the worst conversations and they never lasted very long. You see, my sister had a baby in her late teens and gave it up for adoption to the babys fathers parents. My sister would be raging drunk on this holiday and when she called me, I had a hard time understanding the words she was saying. All I could really hear from her voice was confusion and pain. She was trying to reach out incoherently. Because I was younger and always consumed with my own life and my own bubble, I always felt at a loss as to how to help her. I dont think I ever made her feel better after those Mothers Day calls. I spent my 28th birthday making lots of phone calls. I spoke to my mother, my friends and some family members. I was trying to gure out what I should do. I had no idea how I could afford it, but I eventually decided I had to go to Reno, Nevada to gure out what happened to my sister. At that time, we didnt really know that she committed suicide. In fact, we still dont totally know if thats what really happened. Her current girlfriend at the time was with her when it happened. There was a ght and a scufe. I actually spoke to this woman, Kathy, and she told me exactly what happened, less than 24 hours afterward. She sounded so emotionless through the whole recount of the event. The only time she started getting emotional was when she started talking about how she wanted to keep my sisters stuff - because thats all she had left to remind her of my sister. She said that my sister and her came home from the bar and as they were heading to bed, my sister grabbed her gun and calmly told Kathy that she would be taking her own life and shed be taking Kathy with her as well. Apparently, Kathy tried to get the gun out of her hand and they scufed and then I guess my sister shot herself in the head. Im still not really sure and I really wished I had recorded that phone call. Apparently the story was good enough for the police because Kathy was never viewed as a suspect at any point. Of course, the cops did not treat this event like you would see in CSI. There were no photographs for us to see and the police did not give us a lot of information.
John Paul Sharp
When I arrived in Reno, I interviewed several of my sisters friends, in the tens of them, really. Many people suspected Kathy killed her because this woman had been convicted of nearly beating a girl to death several years previous. I know I sure thought she did it because she came to one of the memorials riding my sisters motorcycle with some girl on the back. I thought it was rather quick for this Kathy woman to have a new woman consoling her less than a week after it happened. I even had a few female police ofcers who were friends with my sister who told me they would do whatever they could to investigate the situation, but nothing ever came of it. I honestly believe everyone just moved on a few weeks after she died. After all, thats what we do. Its what life does. We all just move on. Most of her close friend said that when my sister started a relationship with Kathy, she stopped communicating with a lot of people and started drinking more heavily than ever. Whatever relationship they had was extremely unhealthy and whether or not my sister did indeed commit suicide, Im pretty sure that Kathy was so emotionally abusive that she helped bring my sister to that dark place. In the end, if my sister is the one who pulled the trigger, she only had herself to blame. We suspect my sister was bipolar and had been suffering from some type of mental anguish most of her life. She was always very private and internalized her emotions. If anyone could have ever helped her, she rarely reached out and asked for anyones help. She would be too proud and frankly, too distrusting of most folks to ask. Shed had her run-ins with abusive men for much of her younger life and that may or may not have had any inuence on her coming out as a lesbian. Im still not sure to this day. It does explain to me why she may have spiraled as when she turned to women to have relationships, not much changed in regard to how she was treated - I suspect because she was never in a good position to have a healthy relationship. Whether she killed herself or Kathy did it matters not much anymore. Either way, shes dead and theres nothing to be done about it. I have a feeling that no matter what, Kathy will be haunted by this event for the rest of her life, no matter how much she may try to justify or rationalize the experience. If she was guilty in some way, it will eat her alive and thats enough justice for me. Losing my only sibling was hard. It doesnt quite get easier, but I nd myself becoming less affected by her death as I reach my birthday every year. The rst three years were pretty difcult because as summer came along, I would become quite infatuated with the idea of her death and the reminder of my own birth. In some ways, her death was a gift to me from God because as I get older
John Paul Sharp
each year, I now have a reminder of how precious life is and how easily we can all just disappear - and how easily people can move on after youve died. It reminds me of the urgency of now and how I should try to do whatever I can to make the most out of every day. Her death really inspired me to take my performance art to the next level by writing and producing three musicals and acting and performing in countless theatre shows and composing for lm projects. I was so hardcore about trying to make an impact on this world that I nearly burned myself out as an artist. As more time passes, I think Ive learned to take a little more time with everything and not press my own sense of urgency on others around me. I really became intolerant of people who complained about little things or people who say they want to do something and never actually try and see if they can. I still have to work on being patient with those kinds of people, but its not quite as bad as it was when my sister rst died. No, life is a little easier, but the hole my sisters death put on my heart will never go away. I nd myself really feeling the pain of this loss unexpectedly in moments where Im either really happy or really lonely. Its those moments when I think and say, I wish she could be here with me now. Its those moments when I think I almost hear her voice or I wake up from a dream in which we were hanging out together and I temporarily forgot that she died. The fact that she probably shot herself in the head doesnt help me sometimes either, especially if you believe in souls. You can take it two ways: either her soul is watching over me and helping me in my life or her soul is stuck in some type of purgatory as she haunts the house she shot herself in. I prefer to think that she watches over me, but I still cant help but question it from time to time. Someday, Id very much like to visit the house she died in to see if I can feel her presence or meet with a medium to see if I can get messages from her. I still have a tough time watching those types of shows on television because it makes me crave communication with her. Until then, Ill have to come up with my own messages. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Ten: I Hope I Get It!

I got a call from the folks at Seattle Musical Theatre today. When I picked up the phone, I got silence but then I had a voice mail. Thanks, AT&T! I found out that I made callbacks for A Chorus Line and that I should be expecting an e-mail today with more instructions. Ive been watching the Opening of the musical on YouTube because I knew if I were to make callbacks, Id want to have an idea of what we might be doing - which is a lot of dancing! Im the rst to admit that I am not the best dancer, but I would never let that stop me! A few years ago, I was in the musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It had a lot of dancing and singing and I must admit that Im not sure I ever got those dance steps right. Of course, we were dancing in a very small space with a lot of chaos around us and I think that might be why - other than the fact that musical theatre dancing is not something Im accustomed to. If Im going to get cast for this show, I had better get these steps at least rudimentarily for the callbacks. Im not going to lie. Im a little terried. Ive been working on doing the steps for the opening number and while I think Im getting it down, Im not sure Ill have it down enough by Saturday, which is about 24 hours from now. Also, Im super clunky and not that graceful. Its a little difcult to see exactly what these dancers are doing from YouTube videos, but I gure if I keep working on it, I might be farther ahead than some others who show up. Perhaps if the director sees that Ive already taken efforts to gure this opening number out, she might have the condence that I can get it together by opening night in February. This is all assuming well be working on the opener for callback (though, I have a feeling we will be.) Because dancing is so difcult for me and because it is such a challenge, I now want to be in this musical more than ever. I tend to get bored very easily and quickly. If Im not being challenged, Im not growing and when Im not growing, I feel like Im wasting time. I know this is the right show for me. Also, if I were to do well with A Chorus Line, that would increase the chances of getting cast into further musicals with Seattle Musical Theatre. I believe there is a chance that the actors will receive a stipend for this show and thats all the more reason why I should try to work with this production company. Paid shows (however small the pay might be) should lead to more paid shows. If Im going to dive into theatre like Ive been doing, I need to be focused with my goals and make sure I continue to move towards shows that pay something anything! When pay comes so rarely to actors, our time truly becomes our most valuable asset. Thats why its so important to choose which productions you
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involve yourself in. If youre not getting paid, youd better be learning new things and continuing to hone your craft. Otherwise, you truly are wasting your time. So what Im going to do is go over this opening number over and over again until Saturday morning and just hope for the best. A lot of my friends in Denver just nished with a production of A Chorus Line and from what I can tell, they werent the best dancers! Ha! Perhaps I do have a chance with this. I have a feeling if I put in enough work now, it will pay off. The director told me at the original audition that she saw me for the roles of either Bobby or Greg. Bobbys character uses jokes to disguise the pain behind his conservative, slightly wealthy upbringing in Buffalo, New York. I actually saw his monologue on YouTube and I thought it was really quite hilarious. I found the script for the show and have printed out his bit so I could rehearse it before callbacks, yeah, cause Im crazy like that! Gregs character is a sassy jewish gay man who talks about the rst time he made out with a woman. Its pretty funny, but not as funny as Gregs piece. For someone reason I could not nd Gregs part in the script I found online, so Ill have to look harder and see if I can nd it somewhere. Somehow, though, Im probably going to end up working on Bobbys part a lot more anyway. This could work out for me if there was no one else at auditions that she saw for Bobby, but if theres anyone else there that does his character better than me, Ill probably have wished I spent more time on Gregs part! By the way, if youre practicing dance steps at home without any shoes or socks on, make sure your toenails are well-clipped. Ha! Im so clumsy that I accidentally sliced skin off of one my little toes cause one of my snarky toenails ran into my other foot. Ugh, silly me. I now have toilet paper sticking out between my pinky toe and its newly defaced neighbor. Sigh. Either way, if I go to this callback and end up failing miserably, I still have another audition this Tuesday for the production company Quiets entire 2012 season. I know they are doing some musicals as well, so if I dont get into A Chorus Line, I still have some options to get into another musical in 2012. Im just more interested in A Chorus Line because it seems so much more challenging. I really like how the show truly is an ensemble show. Theres rarely any parts that Ive seen which are more or less than others. Thats a good thing sometimes because it forces you to try and be cohesive as a group, rather than trying to shine when its your turn. I have actually never been part of a chorus or ensemble in a musical as Ive always been cast in principal or particular character roles. This would be a good thing, for sure! The only disappointing thing about this show is that there really arent any amazing singing roles for men. One of the reasons why I am hoping to get into more musicals is to sing, but the challenge of the dance is what intrigues me
John Paul Sharp
most. Im sure Ill nd other musicals in the future that will give me great singing parts. For my other audition, I have to prepare a 32-bar song and two monologues, one contemporary and one classical, both only 90 seconds long each. For my classical monologue, Im doing a condensed version of Lucifers monologue in Lord Byrons Cain. I really love these old pieces because the words are so articulate that it feels like you are painting as you speak. Each word comes out so deliciously! I only hope I can do the monologue justice in 90 seconds. Somehow, Ive got to channel Satan at the ip of a switch, basically! Ha! For my contemporary monologue, Im just going to keep doing the Group Therapy and the Undead monologue for the gay vampire James. It seems to do well for me, so why x something that isnt broken? And on the same note, Ill be singing my original musical song, Gut Feeling, as it seems to be a real hit with my auditions. I gure I can sing my own music better than someone elses, right? So I just nally got my callbacks e-mail and they have all the sides and the music in PDF form for me to print out. At rst, I only printed out what was pertinent to Bobby, Greg monologues and music and the All Chorus stuff - but then, I realized that there might be some chance that they ask me to sing or speak for other characters, so I went ahead and printed out all the other male roles as well. The last thing I want to happen is for me to get called to perform something and completely fall apart due to being unprepared. They have a warmup at 9:30 a.m. and then dancing from 10 - 12. Im glad we get the dancing out of the way, right off the bat! I just hope I dont fail so miserably at the dancing that it completely destroys my ego for the rest of the day. God, the more I think about it, the more I want to just keep running that opening instead of sitting here typing away! I guess Id better get to it. Until tomorrow! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Eleven ... Twelve ... AND THIRTEEN!!: I Blame Skyrim.

Well, lordy, lordy, look who left nanowrimo behind and stopped writing for the last few days. Thats right - me! I blame Skyrim, the new Elder Scrolls video game. It sucked me away for a few days. I wasnt even going to buy the thing. I was going to be sensible and wait until sometime next year when everyone else had forgotten about it and the price dropped down to something more reasonable than sixty some dang dollars. Im also so busy with writing, rehearsing, auditioning and performing that I really dont have a reasonable amount of time that I know playing that type of video game would demand of me. But then everyone on efng Facebook was chitty-chatting about how fun it is to play and how they are so glad they are playing it and by 2pm the day it came out, I found myself walking to the nearest GameStop to surrender to the consumer blitz and spend nearly seventy bucks that I dont really have on a game I dont really need. Ahh, America, God shed her grace on me. The game has been pretty fun so far. Its just like the last one, except the graphics are cleaner and more updated in terms of design. Its one of those games that you can play for awhile and then you blink your eyes and you think, what time is it? And you look at the clock and ve hours have passed by. And you think - I should stop playing ... but I dont want to, so Ill keep going and then you blink your eyes and look at the clock again and another three or four hours have wasted away and you think - I should be much farther than I am. Ha! Playing these games are fun, but they probably are a lot like smoking too much weed. You start preferring not to leave the house and you dont really want to engage in any types of conversations with anyone who isnt actually a character in the game. In fact, today, I did not want to leave my house to go to rehearsal at all. I just got really grumpy about the idea. Then I remembered I was so behind on writing these daily journals that it was probably a good idea for me to get out of the house, get into a Starbucks and start typing. So, here I am! I think what Ill do for this journal entry is write through three different thoughts or topics for todays entry. Ive got a lot of catching up to do, but theres no way in heck that Ill be able to write ve thousand words about one single thought. Its just not gonna happen. Not with any quality, anyway.
Thought #1: Whos My Demographic?

So, like Ive said before, Im seriously considering the idea of applying for Antioch Universitys M.A. in Psychology with an emphasis on Drama Therapy.
John Paul Sharp
Why? Because I have no idea what kind of career I can have where Im 1) helping people, 2) meet some kind of demand that 3) ts for someone like me. Im an artistic person. Sorry. I just am. I have lots of education and Im really great at school. I graduated with my bachelors with highest honors and ranked #4 out of 100 some students. However, when your B.S. degree is in Vocal Performance, it basically makes you unemployable. Ive followed many of dreams. One of my dreams was to become a singer. Before I started my B.S., I could not tell someone I was a singer and feel genuine about it. By the time I graduated, I could denitely do that - heck, I even sang the National Anthem at my own graduation. If thats not complete validation that Im a singer, I dont know what is! And that is totally worth the thirty thousand dollars of school loans I took on to complete the program. I also had a full-ride scholarship my senior year, which wasnt bad at all! I also fullled dreams I didnt even realize I had - like writing and producing three musicals. However, fullling dreams does not always equate to lling up your bank account. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. When I graduated from school, I had zero credit card debt. Two years later, I had over ten thousand dollars in credit card debt. A nightmare, I know, but most of that money went to 1) buying musical equipment, 2) producing musicals for the stage and 3) marijuana. I fully take the blame. Also, several thousand dollars of that credit card debt went into moving expenses in Denver and to Seattle in this year. Im one of those fools who thinks, dont worry about all the reasons why you cant or shouldnt do something - go ahead and do it anyway. And thats why Im broke and up to my neck in school loans and credit cards. In 2010, I decided to start the Educational Psychology program at the University of Colorado Denver. I did this purely out of fear, because I realized if I kept going on my artistic train, Id be homeless. All the time I spent not being paid to act and sing and dance was really putting a toll on my part-time waitress job and my cash ow in general. Because I am so good and school and my academic background is so stellar, it got me into the program without any trouble at all. The only problem is that the decisions I make are all the more important. It took about six months for me to realize that Educational Psychology was not for me. The main thing that triggered this realization is when I was in a multicultural diversity class and we had to ll out a survey on the rst day that asked, What is your sexual preference? I was so shocked because I hadnt heard that term used seriously in at least ten years. I began to see that much of the educational psychology eld literally is about ten years behind the societal climate of today. Becoming an educational psychologist is very much like putting
John Paul Sharp
on a military outt, grabbing a gun and heading into a war. Theres a huge battle ahead for people who are gay in that world and I wasnt really ready or willing to be part of that battle. Eventually, a couple friends of mine from school chose me as their subject for their senior music marketing class. I was so surprised and honored that anyone even cared that much about me or my music career. A few months later, they both determined that Id have more success and opportunity if I moved to a city that had more of an international scene. Hearing them say that was all I needed to know that I wanted to move away from Denver and start over. This is easier said than done. There arent a lot of cities I would move to in America. Ive lived in San Francisco before and I truly loved it there, but I knew how expensive it was and it would have been impossible for me to move there with my boyfriend and our two cats and me with no job. It just wasnt going to happen. I hate L.A. and New York City is even harder to move to. I had almost considered NYC when I was in the process for applying to the Tisch School of the Arts. After many intense discussions with my boyfriend, I ended up backing out of that whole thing and I have a feeling I may regret that decision every day for the rest of my life. Or not. I mean, I could have left my boyfriend and my cats behind to struggle in NYC and that all could have paid off, but its not really what I wanted. I love my boyfriend and my cats and I wanted to be able to do whatever it is that I would do with them, not without them. So, Seattle basically was the only other option I was considering. After realizing that I had a lot of friends there who used to live in San Francisco, I decided that was where I would take my family. And in late March of 2011, thats exactly what I did. This whole move is what led me to get out of Educational Psychology and start the eLearning Implementation and Design program at the Information and Learning Technologies department of the School of Education and Human Development. Its a mouthful to basically say, This degree is about as useful as Vocal Performance. Im not sure what kind of job I can really get with this degree. Im sure there are jobs out there, but I have no idea if someone with my background can really convince an employer in this economy that Im absolutely the right choice for their eLearning implementation needs. Most of the jobs Ive seen out there want you to have a bachelors degree in something reasonable, like math or science or marketing or human resources. They want you to have a bachelor degree in whatever classes or materials they want you to implement into a distance learning situation. Unfortunately, theres just not a lot of companies or schools who are desperately seeking anyone to create eLearning for vocal performance. No, the whole reason someone would
John Paul Sharp
get training in singing is for the personal, face to face instruction. Sure, there are online classes out there to teach people how to sing, but basically that market has already been tapped and I dont know how or why I would want to try and place myself in that world. But, Im going to nish this M.A. anyway. I mean, even in my application essay to the school, I basically said I wanted to get into the program because Id already dumped thirty thousand dollars in the Educational Psychology M.A. and I couldnt just walk away and not have a degree. So, by the end of Spring or Fall of 2012 (Im still not sure which yet), Ill have an M.A. in eLearning. Woo hoo. But no career as of yet. So, now Im Seattle and Im still jobless and still following my artistic dreams while I depend on unemployment to keep me aoat. I still need to nd some type of career and the only thing Ive seen that remotely suggests Id be a good t is the Drama Therapy program. I mean, Ive spent so much time in theatre that I might as well nd a way to make this work into a career of some kind. There was something other than fear that attracted me to psychology. Ive been in therapy before and I do think Id be a good therapist if I could get the training for it. It seems like I could make it work somehow! When I met with the admissions lady, I asked her about the minimum qualications to get accepted. They ask for 100 minimum hours of volunteer or paid work with an organization in a counseling-related capacity. I have zero hours like that. I asked her if I could mention that all my years as a waitress and teaching people how to sing is very personal growth oriented. She said thats a no-go. No, I have to actually work in a counseling-related capacity that is overseen by someone who helps to train me to help people in crisis situations. In fact, one of my recommendation letters should come from someone who oversees me while fullling these one hundred hours. Yikes! I asked her what type of organizations are out there for me to get these hours accomplished. After some discussion, I basically learned that she cannot tell me what organization to check out or try for. I need to pick a demographic to work for. My demographic will tell me what organization to approach. I made the small mistake of telling her that I didnt really care who I was helping - as long as I was helping someone. I guess thats a no-no. She said if I were to apply to the school and say something like that, I wouldnt be admitted. As a therapist or someone in the helping industry, I must have a demographic that I specialize in and there should be some type of reason as to why I do this. So what demographic should I latch on to? The rst thought that immediately came to my mind was gay youth and teenagers. I could apply to work for the Trevor Projects helpline. They have an intensive training with
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someone who oversees my work and would denitely be able to give me a letter of recommendation. But - do I really want to help that demographic? After all, I was a gay youth and I know what that whole world is like. How can I help those kids who are suicidal? Do I really want to work with a demographic that is so close to my own identity? I guess to some people that would denitely make sense, but for me, Im not so sure. It kind of feels like I would feel boxed in or claustrophobic about my work. I also know how convoluted the gay teen world can be and as a gay man, Im not sure how quickly Id want to jump into that whole world. Lots of trouble can come your way by helping that demographic. Im actually more interested or curious about working with veterans. I gure there are so many men and women out there who have fought these senseless wars and they need as much help as they can get. They are leaving Afghanistan and Iraq and coming back to an America with less jobs than when they rst left. They have traumatic experiences they now need to process in the safety of their homeland. Id be working with all types of people who join the armed forces and yes, some of them would be gay, but they would be all different kinds of people with different stories. But what kind of organization is out there to help veterans that could train me to act in a counseling-related capacity? Thats the big question. I also considered taking seniors and/or the terminally ill as my demographic. I think it would be a great thing to help people process their end days. Then I thought about how absolutely draining that might be. Im just not sure. One thing I am totally sure about is the amount of thinking I have to do before Im really able to pick a demographic that I feel comfortable with. I would like to help veterans, but how do I know that I have a background that would work well with that demographic? I suppose the only way to know is to try and give it a go. I guess Ive got a lot more to think about than I realized. Its not as easy as just trying to apply for a school. Ive actually got to try and live a lifestyle before I can say with genuine honesty that Im ready to get the training needed to become a therapist. Antioch does make me very excited though. The open house I went to made me wish I was student there so badly. For one, you know that the closer you get to graduation, the more youre actually practicing the work of therapy. Youd basically have to be a complete idiot not to nd a job after participating in their one-year minimum internship. The idea that I could go to school and be on my way to having a career sounds so completely amazing to someone like me, where the closer I get to the graduation, the farther I get from actually having a paid job. Ha!
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Thought Two: You Cant & Shouldnt Be Amazing at Everything!

Yesterday, I did something I had never done before in my life. I straight up walked out of callbacks for A Chorus Line. I had such high hopes for myself and this show, but those hopes were not grounded in much reality, unfortunately. I felt so bad the entire day - I was a QUITTER! What? Me? The insane over-achiever? How could I ever walk out of anything? Ugh. I just felt so sick about it. But heres the thing - there were like sixty dancers at these callbacks and at least 95% of them had actual, real dancer shoes and dancer outts. I was in cheap pleather dress shoes and some sweats. All these other dancers were actual dancers. They were doing the splits and caught onto the dance moves about as soon as the director showed them. About halfway through the initial dance we were learning, I had decided I would leave and it was just a matter of guring out how the hell I could get out without being noticed by anyone. The director kept saying through the rst dance, Okay, now this one is easy, so Im going to want to see a lot of precision! Precision? I couldnt even gure out what I was supposed to be doing with my feet for the whole 32 bars, let alone what I was supposed to be doing with my arms and hands. I had no precision to offer whatsoever. So after we practiced the rst dance and we were given a few minutes before breaking up into smaller groups to actually audition the dance, I grabbed my bag and my jacket and I headed for the stairs and hoped no one noticed me. Every passing minute as I was leaving, I kept saying to myself, What are you doing? Are you sure youre just going to walk out? Arent other people like this and not someone like you - someone who follows through and doesnt quit, even when the going gets tough? I found myself calling my boyfriend and then calling my friend Paul because I needed to be able to talk through the decision I was making of leaving the callbacks. I needed to be able to rationalize and justify my actions. Of course, my boyfriend and Paul could not tell me that what I was doing was right because they both werent there. I could only tell myself that. When I got home, my boyfriend kept wanting to hug me and by that point, I was like, Whatever. Ha! But really, I was feeling super guilty and didnt want to feel like a loser. And I did feel a little bit like a loser, unfortunately. I decided to go to Trader Joes with my boyfriend and stock up on a bunch of food so I could perhaps eat my pain away. So much for me losing any weight! As soon as I got home from that, I emailed the director and explained to her what had happened:
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Just wanted to say sorry for disappearing today! As I was practicing the beginning dance, it was just painfully obvious to me that I was not at the dance level needed for this particular show and so I thought it was best if I not waste any more time for either of us and took off! I was going to tell someone but there were so many people around that I didn't want to take away someone's attention just to tell them I was leaving. I normally don't do that kind of a thing, but I was having trouble just getting down the footwork, let alone knowing what to do with my arms and hands - so I would have had no precision whatsoever. That being said, I actually did enjoy the experience and hope I might be considered for future musicals - perhaps some that aren't so dance heavy. I'm also considering taking some dance classes as the movement was enjoyable. Sorry and thanks again, JP I then went back to playing Skyrim and after a few hours, I began to feel very tired. I fell asleep and had dreams about being a disappointment to people. I woke up and checked my e-mail and I had gotten a response back from the director: Oh, thank GOODNESS! I thought I was going insane. I knew I had seen you! Well, I am sorry I did not get to read you for Bobby. I know you would have had fun with the part. Dance is important in this show, but singing is, too. And the show is nothing without real people in it. Courage, my friend! I really enjoyed meeting you and do hope we get a chance to run into each other again! I am directing Forever Plaid later this year at Second Story Rep. It's a fun show! Thank you for the note! Boy, was I relieved! I was just terried I would be blacklisted for just walking out. But, it seems to me that she wasnt upset by it and was actually hinting that I should try out for Forever Plaid. I love the show and I would totally audition for it when it came up, but I did see that the show is east of Seattle, on
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the other side of the water, and I have no idea how Id get there for rehearsals and performances and also get back to Seattle. Still, I thought the director was a neat, professional and passionate woman, so I might consider it if I can nd a reasonable way to make it work. If anything, this whole experience has shown me that yes, it is important to try new things and to push yourself and see how far you can go - but when you see a wall coming, its not necessary to run right into it, either. We dont have to be amazing at everything we try and its okay if Im not an amazing or even particularly good dancer. I am a great singer and I know Im a great actor and that can absolutely be good enough for right now. And its not like I didnt enjoy the dancing. I think moving around like that is fun, but because I was in an audition rather than a dance class, I felt like it was best if I not follow through the whole way, especially in the company of so many other real dancers with experience and training. But - all is not lost. My boyfriend wants me to check out some dance classes and see if maybe we can do some together. So! My audition actually inspired him and well, thats totally worth it to me!
Thought Three: I Like to be Disturbed.

Oh yes, I like to be disturbed! But only through lm, in the fantasy medium. Because I have access to a large database of movies, over the last year, Ive made it kind of a habit to nd out and research all the most disturbing lms ever made. And oh, youd be surprised whats out there! There are all kinds of disturbing lms out there. The most recent one that came out that was really disturbing was A Serbian Film. Its about an aging porn star who gets reeled into acting in one more lm so he can get more money for his wife and child. What happens is so beyond anything I myself could ever imagine. But thats why I watch these things - because I could not imagine them myself and its just so shocking! Theres an older lm from the seventies that is pretty effed up too: Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom. With a title like that, how could you not be disturbed? Well, I had no idea how disturbing it truly was until I watched it with my boyfriend. Every ten minutes, my man would look at me and say, You really love to watch this kind of stuff, dont you? Yes, yes I do! And its not just limited to crazy sexually disturbing lms, but really, any lm or television-based program that features real-life horror. I am fascinated by tales of people surviving the most horric situations, whether its getting lost in the mountains or stranded in the oceans or whether its people getting slashed in the throat by random Decentrs or raped in their own houses.
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Im really not a sick psycho-path, I promise! Im just fascinated with this kind of stuff because 1) I feel like the more I learn about these type of stories, the more I know whats out there and what to be careful of and 2) perhaps if I am ever stuck in a horric situation, I might know what to do to survive since Ive learned how other people have survived before. So, in case youre like me and you love to be disturbed by lms and television, I have some great suggestions for you: Films: A Serbian Film - mentioned earlier. Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom - a bunch of aristocrats, including the president of the nation, gather up a bunch of teenagers and abduct them for a long vacation at a mansion where storytellers initiate insane acts of abuse of different kinds. It doesnt end well. Martyrs - a lm about revenge, child abuse and torture. Cannibal Holocaust - one of the rst forms of mock-umentary set in a jungle. Obviously, its about cannibalism, but also, there are other crazy things that happen. Men Behind the Sun - this is a lm about real experiments that were done on people during World War II in Japan. One of the hardest parts of this lm is what happened to the poor cat. Irrversible - a french lm about the realities of seemingly senseless violence. And boy, does this lm get violent. Its gripping because of how real it seems. High Tension - not so much disturbing, but it is such a good scare, I had to mention it. Well, on second thought, its probably disturbing for some people. It very much follows a Dean Koontz type of psychological horror, but it doesnt skip out of the gore either. Megan is Missing - if you nd yourself watching this crazy efng movie, you might actually nd yourself terribly bored and confused through the rst seventy-ve percent of it. But let me tell you, the last twenty-ve percent nearly made me pass out. Television:
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I Survived ... - This series is seriously hard to nd, but sometimes they have episodes on Hulu. I cant wait until it comes to Netix. These are stories from people who have survived horric situations. I like to play these as I go to sleep. Okay, maybe Im crazy! Wicked Attraction - I kind of like these stories from Investigation Discovery. Its a lot of stories about couples who go on crazy killing sprees. I Shouldnt Be Alive - These are usually stories of people surviving the wilderness under miraculous struggling. It would be better without the dramatic reenactments, but alas, it is made by the Discovery Channel, I believe. There are way more lms that I did not mention and thats mostly because I cant remember all the titles. But, I gure I named enough to get anyone started on their journey through some of the most disturbing images and stories ever told. Youre welcome. Dont judge me. Oh, and if you thought Scream 4 was scary, Id avoid seeing anything Ive mentioned above at all costs. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Fourteen: The Desire to Escape.

There are often times that I catch myself wanting to escape. When I was younger, it was much more of a prevalent feeling. Now, it just happens every once and awhile and especially when Im listening to music that inspires me. Its not that kind of wanting to escape where you wish you werent in your life or anything. Its more of this feeling of wanting to be enveloped into a whole other world - one in which physics and the conventions of nature are not part of reality. Its hard to explain, but I felt it yesterday when I was on the bus. I was listening to one of my favorite artists, one who Ive mentioned already in my writings this month: Owen Pallett. When I listen to his strings, I can imagine them being physical forces that have shapes, almost like wings, but perhaps more like broad strokes of a painter. These shapes have color to them, almost metallic or neon gold and I can imagine myself using these shapes to y across the city skyline. Its like that type of escape. What I love about great music is that is sparks this feeling within me. Sometimes, its more simple. Ill be listening to the song Pluto by Bjrk with my iPhone with my earbuds in and Ill nd myself stomping along the street, as though Ive become this other, more powerful person that perhaps is a character of a lm. I like to escape in my own imagination as I go about my daily business. I think its this escapism part of me that has given me the dream of someday being a lmmaker. I think I could make some pretty cool lms, but I have a feeling they would rarely have dialogue. What really moves and inspires me are images set to music. I think music says more than dialogue could ever say. One song in particular that always gets my visual imagination going is Radioheads The National Anthem. I remember the rst time I ever heard it. I was walking around the streets of San Francisco and when it came on my earphones, I became so excited and lost into my own imagination that I found myself running and probably making guttural sounds. Im sure I looked like a crazy person to everyone around me, but the nice thing about San Francisco is that the Decentr you act, the less likely people are going to pay any attention to you in the rst place. I had a similar experience the rst time I heard Bjrks Selmasongs: Music from the Motion Picture Dancer in the Dark. The music for that lm is so highly creative and imaginative, it was easy to get completely lost in the experience of listening. Even her new album, Biophilia, is similarly fantastic in the way it can create an atmosphere far removed from the dullness of my daily routines. I could probably spew and profess my love for her work until the cows come home.
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Theres a recent lm that just came out that truly stole my heart and I think it speaks to this sort of escapism. Its called Melancholia and it was written and directed by Lars von Trier and starred Kirsten Dunst and Kiefer Sutherland amongst some other folks. The whole opening lasts several minutes and is accompanied by music from Roger Wagners prelude to his opera, Tristan und Isolde. There are a lot of slow motion actions and stills with the most beautiful imagery Ive seen in a long time. Oh - did I forget to mention that Lars von Trier also directed Dancer in the Dark? Theres a reason why I like this guys work so much! The lm is science-ction drama with the premise that a sister planet was discovered to be orbiting the other side of the sun and could possibly be heading straight for Earth. Its not your conventional sci- and it is actually a very touching piece about mental illness and the struggle to cope in our world. The last part of the lm is so gripping in an emotional way that I am truly surprised I havent seen more people talking about it. But then, thats America, right? I swear, if a movie doesnt have formulaic bits and pieces neatly tied up at the end, Americans just dont care for it. Then again, I am American and I absolutely adored the lm. I loved it so much, just talking about it makes me want to watch it again. If I were to be a lmmaker someday, I would probably be a mix between the imaginative and creativeness of Lars von Trier and the darkness and intensity of Darren Aronovsky. Hell, there might even be some Sam Raimi in there for gores sake. I do love some shocking gore, after all! Until then, Ill just keep listening to my songs and escaping in my mind. I keep hoping that the more I work on my own music recordings, I can create imaginative atmospheres like the artist I love to listen to the most. I dont think Im quite there yet, but Im not worlds away either! I know I can do it! So, before I go for the day (I am trying to make todays thought a littler shorter and sweeter than the thoughts for the last three days or so), I thought Id post some artists and albums that really get my imagination going and inspire me to create truly fantastical music. And without further ado: Bjrk: Vespertine, SelmaSongs, Medulla, Biophilia, Homogenic Radiohead: OK Computer, Kid A Kate Bush: Hounds of Love, The Dreaming, Aerial The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Owen Pallett: A Swedish Love Story, Heartland
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(as Final Fantasy): He Poos Clouds, Plays to Please, Spectrum, 14th Century Aphex Twin: Drukqs Dot Allison: Afterglow Enya: Watermark, Shepherd Moons, The Memory of Trees Imogen Heap: Ellipse Ira Stein: Bach Improvisations William Orbit: Pieces in a Modern Style And pretty much anything by composers Bach, Elgar, and Satie. Ok! Happy listening! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Fifteen: Men n Me

I was inspired by a fellow G Plusser who posted a short message about his experience with feminism. It made me think about my own conceptions as Ive grown into the person I now am today. Im not sure Ive ever quite identied with feminism, but I have had a pretty severe distrust of men in general, which, of course, is not the same thing. I grew up without a father. I never developed a relationship with the man who is my biological father until I was about 22 years old. Ten years later, its still a struggle to maintain contact and to even understand what type of relationship I have with this man. I dont really know what it means to have a father and son relationship as the idea seems so foreign to me. By the time I hit puberty and became a teenager, my experience with older men became sexual at best. My rst experience with an older man was a guy who lived someone in my neighborhood who I talked to on AOL or eWorld or one of those online services in the mid-90s. He came over to my house, we jerked off and then he left and I never saw him again. Id say this man was in his mid to late 40s and I was about 14. Today, wed probably call him a pedophile. I know I sure felt weird about it. My next sexual experience was with a man from the military. He was also in his 40s and I was nearing or had become 15. My mother used to go on conventions all the time and would be gone for two or three days. By this time, my sister had left the house for several years and so I was accustomed to doing my own thing since I was about 12 years old. I used to chat this guy up on AOL and then on the phone, usually later at night when my mom was asleep. He used to ask me all these questions about my body and I remember being so nervous and wondering why he was so curious about how developed my pecs were. I had no idea what those were and I remember struggling to answer most of his questions, but still being intensely curious and wanting to meet him. Sooner than later, I let him know my mom was going out of town for several days and he decided he was going to come to Wichita from Fort Worth to visit me. I remember he kept saying how happy he was that he had several days with me. Oh, was I nervous! That was my rst anal sexual experience and it went on for quite awhile. I dont think I would call it rape because I consented to the whole thing, but I might say that I was heavily manipulated into situation altogether. I remember how painful it was. After he left, I did not want to see him again and I was deathly afraid of my mother nding out. He would call all the time and I wouldnt pick up the phone. If
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he called when my mother was home, hed just hang up on her. He eventually came to see me at my bussing job and I said hello, terried, and he tried to ask me why I wouldnt talk to him and I just said that I couldnt talk to him anymore because my mother found out. That was all he needed to know and I never saw or heard from him again. By the time I was sixteen, I was messing around with all types of guys who were twice my age. I had a fake ID that I had made myself and would go to the gay club, Our Fantasy Complex, quite regularly. Im pretty sure everyone knew I was underage, but I dont think most of them cared. On my sixteenth birthday, I brought one of my girlfriends with me to the club and she was in her early 20s. She was very aggressive about nding me a man for me that night and she did nd a guy from Kansas City. He was a horse jockey and was very good looking. I ended up going to his hotel that night on the east side of town. Id say this was my rst experience with rape. It was consenting to the degree that I let him put his thing in me, but because it hurt so bad that I was screaming and he wouldnt stop until he was done and he was quite rough, Id say that there were elements of rape there. He was nice enough to take me all the way back to the west side to my girlfriends house, but we mostly rode in silence. By the time Id even had the opportunity to have a normal or healthy relationship with someone remotely close to my own age, I was pretty screwed up. I was head over heels for this 18 year old kid from El Dorado and we had a few wonderful months together, dating and doing those things that teenagers do when they date. However, it was doomed because I was this guys rst boyfriend and he had just come out of the closet and by the ripe age of seventeen, I was doing crazy things like cocaine and getting tattoos and stealing gas for my car. This poor kid did not know what he was getting into when he was getting with me and after we started going to the club together, he got the single bug again and cheated on me with some other guys and then dumped me around Christmas time. Needless to say, I didnt handle it well - especially because he ended up moving to Wichita and entered as a senior at my high school. Oh, I did all sorts of mean things to him. I spread rumors that he used to hit me and I told people that he thought about having sex with animals. I did whatever I could to make his life a living hell and in the end, I think I just made myself look like a crazy person. Im pretty sure he thinks Im crazy to this day, but hey - I was an at-risk teen with at-risk aspirations. I did apologize to him about a year ago when I found him and added him on Facebook. Most of my truly traumatic experiences with men took place in my early 20s when I lived in San Francisco. After losing my job with PlanetOut, I developed a seriously intense addiction to smoking methamphetamine for about a year and half. During that time, I had sex with countless men of all different
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ages and backgrounds. Most of the time, I had no idea who they were or what their names were. All I knew is that they had drugs and wanted to have sex and I wanted drugs, so I would have sex with them. My rst real experience with insanity was when I hung out with a Philippine man who dealt all kinds of drugs. I stayed at his apartment for over ve days and did not sleep the entire time. He fed me all kinds of drugs - meth and crack and other stuff that I didnt even know what it was. He was extremely manipulative in interactions with me and I was in a very vulnerable position in my life. There came a point on the second or third day where I felt scared to leave. Dont ask me why as the whole experience is pretty blurry to me now, but by the morning of the sixth day, around six oclock in the morning, he had me smoke some weed out of a homemade aluminum pipe. As soon as I took a few hits, I began to hallucinate. I was hearing several voices in my head and seeing these wild, electric hieroglyphics in my vision. Something triggered inside of me and I bolted out of his apartment, ran down Market street to the BART station, got into a train, hid under the seat, and when I made it to Daly City, I caught a cab up to my apartment and laid on the oor for a few minutes before I grabbed my roommate who was in the shower. I told her I needed to go to the hospital because at that point my heart was thumping so hard and fast that I was scared I might have a heart attack. Oh and did I mention that this entire time I thought the man Id been staying with could hear my thoughts and see what I saw and was tracking me down to come and kill me? I spent the next 24 hours at the hospital after having a doctor tell me, If you keep entertaining thoughts like you have, you may lose your mind forever. And then shooting something in my ass which made me pass out. I woke up the next morning and just left the hospital on my own. I remember my head felt like a ton of bricks and being zombie like for the next week. While many of these encounters were emotionally disturbing to some degree, I would say there were only a few times I was raped. One man that I remember in particular was an intense Vietnamese man who hung out in his apartment all the time. He used to message me on the computer all the time and I nally met up with him. We smoked meth and chilled all day long and when we nally went to have sex, he was extremely rough and hurt the hell out of me. That was an experience I would call rape because I told him to stop and I told him to get off of me and it just made him go harder and faster. I remember him pulling off of me and I just laid there on the oor, my mind had drifted off somewhere, unable to process what had just taken place. These were the worst of my experiences as a young gay man in San Francisco. There were other times when I connected through drugs and sex with all types of men. Some of them were pilots, some were millionaires with multiple
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companies, some of them were fucked up kids like me. In most of these encounters, I often found myself taking on a paternal role. Many times, these men found themselves dumping their emotions on me, crying with their heads on my chest. In some ways, this was part of my addiction. But I rarely maintained contact with any of these individuals, save a few of them that I happened to stumble upon from time to time, even online in my late twenties and early thirties. Eventually, I realized if I didnt leave San Francisco, I was going to die. I came back home to Wichita and underwent intense weekly therapy for nine months thanks to the fact that one of my mothers life-long friends took a sincere interest in me and payed for the therapy out of her own pocket. I would also have lunch with this woman mostly once a week and she would ask me lots of questions about my life and what I wanted. I really owe much of my growth to this woman and I should call her way more often than I do now. I began to see my father more often and our initial gatherings usually involved me going to a bar with him and drinking lots of pitchers of beer. He took me to my mothers house (thats where I was staying at rst) and I was so drunk that I puked all over the bedroom oor. This just goes back to how the men in my life have always seemed to lead me into trouble and the women in my life have always tried to lead me out of it. It wasnt until my mid-twenties, living in Denver, that I actually started dating men in a healthy way. Even the rst three boyfriends I had were what I would call emotional stunted and intimately unavailable. It wasnt their fault and they never really did anything wrong to me, but I was nally in a place where I wanted and expected more out of a relationship and I ended up dumping all of them for different reasons. The rst cheated on me, the second had a bad attitude about life and the third, well, he was just all over the place and unable to be a boyfriend. He needed a mother and a father. Finally, in my late 20s, I visited Wichita for Christmas and I ran into this man that I used to have a lot of attraction for in my late teens. I never got the opportunity to get to know him because he was always on the outside circles of my friends. Little did I know he had been fascinated with and attracted to me as well. When I saw him at the club, something in me became very aggressive and I gave him my phone number. We had lunch that weekend while I was in town and we talked for hours. As we left, we hung outside of our cars and then started making out for a halfhour. The day I left for Denver, he had breakfast with my mom and my good friend (or perhaps more accurately, my god-friend) John. It was like I subconsciously knew that wed ended up being together for many years and I wanted him to meet my family as soon as possible.
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Within a few month, he ended up leaving his life behind and moved in with me in Denver. A few years later, we both packed up our lives and left for Seattle and were still together today. It hasnt always been the easiest relationship and it hasnt been completely perfect, but it has been the best relationship Ive ever had with a man. My man is someone I can trust. He doesnt lie to me and he isnt manipulative. Im not sure I would even appreciate him as much as I do had I not spent my entire life dealing with men who were completely the opposite. However, sometimes I think I could show my appreciation even more than I do. He inspires me to be a better man. I could myself growing old with this guy. He has an emotional intelligence and a sense of loyalty that is hard to nd in most people in general, let alone guys. I look back on the rest of my life before him and see myself as a totally different person. Im forever changed and for that, Ill be forever grateful. I still distrust a lot of men out there - especially, those who are in positions of authority. I try to keep it in check, like I try to keep lots of toxic thoughts in check, but it can be hard. After all, the majority of my experiences are that men want to 1) have sex and 2) be in control. I know not all men are like this, but one only need to watch the latest national news to know that it is a common thing ... Herman Cain anyone??? BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Sixteen: Reverse Racist!

Along the same vein as my last entry, Id like to explore my own reverse racism. For many years, I have not been comfortable in situations where I am in a room with mostly white people ... even though Im white myself. Throughout my twenties, I was extremely untrusting of white people, even though Im white myself. Let me explain. I grew up in Wichita, Kansas as an overtly effeminate boy. My mother used to take me to garage sales and I would try on womens hats and check out the barbie dolls. I loved girly things and I loved being girly. This led to a lot of traumatic bullying for me as soon as I passed the third grade. Also, because the public school system struggled to place me based on my learning abilities, I had other strikes against me. I was labelled as having a behavioral disorder and then I was labelled as gifted, then I was labelled as normal and then labelled as gifted again. I ended up in a transitional rst grade class and later ended up skipping fourth grade altogether. By the time I was in the fth grade, I had lost any friends I had previously. I remember being seriously bullied by two kids that would follow me and taunt me all the way through high school. Most of the white kids in my classes treated me horribly. But there were these four black girls in fth grade that took me under their wing. They liked me because I wasnt normal. They like the fact that I talked like a girl. They thought I was funny and we used to hang out during recess and I found protection from them. No one messed with me when I was with these girls - in fact, it was really quite the other way around. A lot of the kids who were picking on me were scared of these girls because they were unafraid when grouped together and enjoyed themselves, being loud or being goofy or whatever. I did not realize at the time how much this would shape my attitudes about race. All throughout my childhood, I found comfort in black women - though, my experiences with them were never at home, but in public institutions. I had a gifted teacher who was a black woman and she really believed in me, but was also stern with me when I needed it. I looked up to her so much because when other authority gures were confused or complacent about my education, she always seemed to know my potential and expected more out of me. I think what made me learn to distrust large groups of white people were hearing some of the things they seem to be unafraid to say when other people of different races arent around. Ive had white people say some of the most racist things to me simply because I was also white - as though there is were some
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unspoken rule that being racist was okay as long as non-white folks didnt hear us. Because I was separated as different from the rest of the group early on, I might as well have had a gay skin color instead of white. I didnt get the full privileges that white males normally receive because as soon as I opened my mouth, my peers and authorities immediately saw me as a gay child and reacted to this. So, I identied more with racial minorities who received similar treatments that I received. This whole distrust thing has not gone away as much as I would like it to. I realize that being a reverse racist is not better than being a normal racist. Both views are pretty ignorant and they can create feelings of toxicity that are just not conducive to living a life that is without fear or unnecessary limitations. However, I am still more comfortable in social situations where there is a good mix of diversity. Id probably be uncomfortable in any group that had too much of any race, to be honest. But the whole thing where white people say bad things because theres only white people around still happens all the time. Just a week ago, I was in a rehearsal where there happens to be only white folks in the show. I think the director might be mixed, but mainly, the group is full of white folks. One of the girls made a comment about how some scary black man came to her place of work. She didnt say anything outrightly racist, but its the way she said it that makes you know she would never have said it the way she did had my partner been in the room. Even during my baccalaureate education, I had two situations in which a white male said the N word and no one did anything but laugh nervously. When I made a fuss about it, thats when everyone got really uncomfortable. Because I demanded that we all have a conversation about why its not okay to use that word so casually and why those two men would not have used that word so casually in the presence of a black person, the rest of the group were uncomfortable with the idea that they may need to examine their own reasons for not being upset with the whole situation. I was so upset with both instances that they led me to tears. The tears were out of frustration that no one else felt as passionately as I did about it. It happens all the time. When I was a part-time waitress at The Delectable Egg in Denver, Id have conversations with the Mexican-American busboys about how you cant always tell where someones background comes from. My partner looks black, but his mother was Mexican-American and his father was from Puerto Rico. When I would explain this to the busboys, they would always say, Hes not latino or hispanic. Hes just a n*****. If they ever wanted to rouse me
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up or get me upset, that was usually their rst way of doing it - because they knew how much that word upset me. The manager of this restaurant would always seat me black customers, because she knew my partner was black. There were times when wed be busy and it would look so Decent because all the black people were in my section. Id have times where my customers would even ask me what it was about. I could never say why, but I think they knew. Its one of those things you can tell without having to ask. Racism is still well and alive in todays American social climate. Dont fool yourself. Its all over the place. The real challenge some of us have to face is not to become reverse racists. We have to learn how to treat everyone as individuals and not avoid others or cling to others because of the color of their skin. At any rate, I try not to judge someone too much because I hear them say something like, a scary black man. Though, I will say that those types of comments will make me more wary about someone. I try hard not to judge them, but I also get excited for the day when I will get to introduce my black partner to them. Hopefully when that happens, they might be forced to ask themselves if theyve said anything around me that they might regret. However, I doubt people are as introspective about their words and actions as I think I am about myself. So I guess my point of todays entry is for all of us to ask ourselves: Am I a reverse racist? And if you think the answer might be yes, think about how you can moderate those thoughts so that they dont control how you live your life or who you choose to associate with. Our beliefs should not control us so much that we miss out on the beauty of others and the potential for relationships. Even if you do meet a racist or someone with slightly racist beliefs, you never know how much you might be able to inuence them to turn their thoughts around. Also, if you see yourself as a reverse racist, you never know how much someone might surprise you. We all have such a tendency to judge before getting to know each other and the slightest comment could easily be misconstrued or even misunderstood. Give each other a chance. And one last parting idea that I must get out is this: If you do see someone who makes a racist comment or says a horrible racist slang word simply because everyone in the group is of the same race - say something right away! My biggest regret is that in most cases where this has happened, Ive said nothing at rst. I always let the situation stew in my mind and then I would have to do something about the next day or a couple of days later. Ones objectives lose power and steam the longer you wait before you say something. In those cases in my college days, if I had said something the moment it happened, it would have had a much greater impact. Instead, I waited and then tried to mediate with the teacher in both cases. By the time any issues
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were addressed, most of the attention was put towards me and my own frustrations rather than on the person who made the comment in the rst place. So, yes, say something right away if you feel it is serious enough. In the case of the young woman who said, scary black man, well, I didnt say anything because it wasnt overt enough for me to make a big deal out of it. However, if any other comments were to come out of her again, I would denitely say something. Youve got to ght the right battles and the battle should be big enough that you dont just cause a stir that people arent going to understand. But if someone says something serious enough and you do speak out, youll probably be speaking out for others who feel the same way but cant nd the courage to say something themselves. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Seventeen: Online Bad-Asses Are Anything But

Okay, so last night (or, really, a few hours ago) I was reading +Sterling Ks rants about how the media was not covering the Stop Online Piracy Act and everyone on Google+ was ranting and raving about their music beta site that just went public in America. I gure he has every right to be angry about it as corporate media outlets often overlook the stories the American public should be aware of. But instead of venting that frustration properly, he tends to use words like f***** and n***** and tells everyone to eff off. Because I have agreed with some of his views and feel he is a pretty intelligent guy, I have loosely followed him and sometimes respond to his posts. While his online persona is rather aggressive and overtly aloof, I tend to gravitate towards people like that because they keep me entertained to a degree. But the n word is where I draw the line. Now, if he was black and using that word, itd be one thing. I mean, he uses the f word a lot and that doesnt bother me because hes gay and I feel like hes got some room to use it. But, sorry, youre only allowed to use words that are used against you - not words used against others - to make your point. I just feel like people who try to be super bad-ass online are really probably rather pathetic people in real life. I have always used my real name in all my online social networks for the past ten years because I feel like if Im going to have a persona online, it needs to represent who I am as much as possible. When using your real name, you are forced to stand up and stand by everything you put out there in the world. When youre anonymous, you can pretty much say anything you want without fear of consequences. Being an American, we have the right in our constitution to say pretty much whatever we want without fear of being jailed or put to death. I fully realize that other people in other countries are not afforded these rights and so they should have the protection of anonymity in order to express real truths that are pertinent to their lives. But this Sterling guy lives in Hawaii and does not really need to protect himself this way. He spends a lot of time talking about how brainwashed everyone is and how if you dont take a stand on anything, youre a waste of space. He talks about how the majority of the population is full of stupid people. While I think there might be a dash of truth to these resentful statements, ultimately, I think they are the opinions of a privileged white man who has probably had his way for most of his life and therefore has little tolerance for differing opinions or views. Its probably also why he thinks its edgy or smart to use extremely racist and ignorant words meant to bring harm to people who are and have been
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oppressed. In this sense, he is no better than the people he thinks are such idiots. When I shared his post about Why is everyone in Hawaii a f****** n*****? it was meant to expose his behavior to other people he might not have intended and to perhaps show him that this type of expression is unacceptable. Do I think sharing it was entirely effective? No. But, I stick with my last post about how if you see something thats wrong, you should point it out right away and make it known. Yes, I could have un-circled him and just pretended that he didnt exist like some others have stated they did in response to my share, and I understand the point behind that is to make the choice to see what youd like to see and ignore what you dont. But, I feel that not saying something or not putting some light to it is, in a way, saying that it is acceptable. The silence says, Hey, its not for me, but some people might like it. People should be shamed for using those types of names. Public gures who use words like that lose jobs, lose business and have severe consequences for being idiots who vomit unproductive negativity. Why, then, should any of us be an exception? Just because youre online, doesnt mean you should be able to spout out hate speech. I do believe in Karma to the extent that we put out energy through our thoughts, spoken word and our actions. In that energy, we are putting out to the world messages which in turn bring us responsive energies. Just because youre online and you are using an anonymous name doesnt mean you are safe from the response to the energy youre putting out there. You never know who is out there reading your stuff. You never quite know who out there knows who you are and who you might actually meet someday. If you spend much of your time putting out seething, hateful messages, you really have to be careful to make sure that your online persona remains anonymous because otherwise, the consequences could be irreversibly damaging. If the only way you feel you can get your point across is by calling people hateful names, youre really no smarter than the people who bother you so much. In some cases, youre probably dumber than the people who bother you, especially if who youre angry at is someone youve never met or dont know. This guy is so angry about corporate media, but what he doesnt realize is that the people who are in power who really are out to control what we receive are counting on people like him misdirecting their anger. People who are unable to process their emotions appropriately are easily controlled by their own emotions. What would be more powerful is to take all that energy and direct it to more productive outlets to nd real solutions to the problems of our world.
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If people could learn to put their ideological difference aside for the great good of mankind, there would be no stopping the power of the people. Competition is a healthy way for people to get out their aggression and frustration of opposing views. Cooperation and compromise is an even better way for people to get together on the issues that affect all of us, regardless of our views. So many people out there get focused on democrat or republican and if the powers that be really are connected and chained to corporate greed, thats exactly how they want the American people to be. They want us to to treat politics like sports and root for our side or our team, regardless of whether anything gets done in Congress. If were more concerned with identifying as a Democrat or a Republican, we become less concerned with the future of our country. Debates that are centered in this dualistic type of thinking absolutely lead to nowhere. Mostly what happens is both parties get upset or angry by the end of the conversation. Ive seen it happen a million times because theres no way to win when theres only two sides to an argument. Real life has more than two sides. Every instance of reality has at least three sides, if not more. We live in a three dimensional world where everything has different shades of colors. We arent living a two dimensional, black and white world - so why in the world should we treat politics that way, especially when politicians tend to have so much control over the quality of our lives? So, I guess what Im saying is that if you feel you need to use words like f***** and n***** to get your points across, perhaps youre looking at life with black and white spectacles. Take those glasses off and see the world for all the colors it has and maybe you wont be as angry as you think you are. Maybe youll actually see how you can be a positive contributor to the world and not just a misdirected reactor to the world. Reactions are great, but they dont go far enough to bring us all to a better place. Just sayin. An online bad-ass is probably anything but. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Eighteen: People Arent Disappointing, Are They?

Im sitting on the 2 bus, stalled at Broadway and 10th Ave. Theres some sort of car wreck in front of our bus and I guess the bus driver doesnt make adjustments to his routes. I think were going to sit here until the wreck gets cleaned up? I sure hope they get it done quickly. I mean, I could just get off and walk a few blocks down and grab the 11 or another bus that will get me downtown. I did, of course, already pay bus fair and dont feel like getting out. I was planning on going to Starbucks early before my double rehearsal day today to get my writing done, but I thought, what the hell - Ill just get it done right now, while Im on the bus. Im feeling a tad stressed out today. I have a three hour rehearsal for H&J in Ballard and then Im going to be thirty minutes late to my next rehearsal at 85th & Aurora. I dont like being late to anything and I do not like people having to make exceptions for me, but I did tell SD/DT that this was going to happen. I tried to ask my co-actor if she could give me a ride to my next rehearsal, but she has plans to go see a movie and so, its gonna be the bus for me! Part of me wants to hate her, but then, really, its not her fault that I am double booked today and its no ones fault that I dont have a car, so I just push down those feelings and move past it. Im working on being more positive even though Im mostly upset with H&J for scheduling so many rehearsals back to back with SD/DT. If they were both at the same building, itd be ne, but theyre not. Even if I did have a car, this was going to be a huge issue. But Im trying to work my immediate feelings of negativity and turn them around into positivity. Both shows are going to end up being fantastic and hilarious and Im sure Ill feel great about the whole thing when its all done and over with. Its just the whole thing with getting *through* the whole thing that can be so difcult. I think one common thing I go through in all my shows is that I tend to detest the rehearsal process. I think I get super critical about how the whole thing works and I focus a lot of my energy to how my time doesnt seem to be valued or how my time seems to get wasted by others sense of disorganization. This is something I really need to work on because in most cases, by the time the performances come, I really love being involved with shows and I dont necessarily regret the time spent rehearsing. I try not to put a lot of expectations on other people because I nd myself becoming extremely disappointed with the results. I know that sounds horrible and thats probably because it is horrible. Were not supposed to think that way. There are, however, so many times when I expect people will try their best and I
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guess it is Murphys Law that dictates those experiences to always seem to fall at. I gure if you dont expect anything from anyone, when they do well, you are all the more happy about it. Of course, the problem is that when you dont expect anything from anyone, you have to work really hard to do everything yourself and life kind of sucks when you cant depend on others for help. I know, cause Ive lived that kind of life for many years and its just not fun. Life is brighter when you have folks around that you can depend on and expect help from. Having said all of that, I think the key to being happy with people is to nd some sort of balance where you hold a minimum level of expectations from those in your life. If they cant ever meet them, dont get upset, but make note of it and focus your energies around people who are helpful and reciprocative to whatever is going on in your life. Also, its important to examine what youre doing to help the people around you as well. If youre not there for folks or not helping them, how can you expect others to help you? But then, I guess I also want to say that you should never help other people thinking its some type of investment for when you need help. Thats is a sure way to disappoint yourself unnecessarily. Sure, it seems like a reasonable idea, but it is really not reasonable to expect other people to be available, physically or emotionally, at some undetermined point in the future. Just help people to help people. Because its the right the thing to do. That has to be enough. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Nineteen: My Brains On Fire

Well, I have a bit of catching up to do again. Not sure what it is about these weekends that makes me stop writing so much. Its not like I have a job or anything. I think its because I dont have as many rehearsals closer to the weekends and I start playing that efng Skyrim game and before I know it, its a couple of days later. My best, or rather, most productive writing happens when I leave early for a rehearsal and I head to a coffee shop, usually Starbucks, and I just sit in a public place and type away. When Im at home, I have too many options for distraction, namely the television or my cats, cause, ya know, they are just so cute and starved for attention. So, my brain is on re lately. Ive been in all these theatre shows and they are fun, but Im kind of getting that producing bug again. I really want to write and produce another musical and perhaps try to raise money for a local organization here in Capitol Hill, Seattle. My boyfriend just got started to volunteer for Gay City Health, which I believe helps people with HIV/AIDS. Im not really sure, but it sounded like a good organization to promote in producing my rst Seattle show. I never try to make money or prot from producing shows. Why? Well, because I rarely have made enough money from a production to pay actors or anything. If you can make sure to get enough ticket sales to pay for the actual venue, you should count yourself lucky. Usually, the case is that the person responsible for putting the show together ends up paying a bunch of money out of pocket just to see it happen. Ive been thinking about it and part of me wants to put My Big Phat Gay Musical back on stage. If I were to do something like that, the show would need to be completely reworked to where it was truly an ensemble show. Because I originally did it for my Senior Recital for college, my character had to be singing in most of the songs. I think it could be really hilarious if a few songs were cut and some new ones were added to give all the rest of the characters more depth - like the Bitch and Customer #1 and even Savala the Cook. Because Ive already done the show and know how it goes, I think it would be pretty easy to pick up where I left off and just evolve it a little. But then I keep thinking about a new musical too. I have this idea for a Drag Queen Murder Mystery that could be tremendously funny. The scene setting for the show could be at a gay bar with basically two different set ups: 1) backstage and 2) the stage for the show. The dressing room tables could be reworked into patron tables when switching between scenes. It would require some logistical thinking to make it work, but I dont think it would be impossible.
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So the story would have a bunch of drag queens getting ready for their regular weekend show. Theres an MC, some drag queen whos been there for years - and its her last night doing the show. Perhaps there is another queen who is supposed to take her place and ... oh, I just dont know. Its so hard to gure out a plot in my mind for murder. Im just not sure. What about if theres no murder, or how about we just put murder to the side for now and perhaps I could do like a Drag Queen Chorus Line show. Perhaps Its the MCs last night and they are going to have a competition to pick her successor that night. Then all the queens could have their own songs and the plot wont have to be such an integral part of the show. Every night of the performance, a random queen could be chosen to be the winner, so each night, the show is never quite the same. I wonder what kind of queens we could have. Thered have to be one who was a hot mess and not very well put together, but never stops doing drag because her heart is so invested in it. Then there could be a rookie queen and it could be her rst night and everyone gives her conicting advice and perhaps treats her like a dog or something. Theres denitely gotta be a big-girl. Another queen could be the ultimate bitch whos slightly dangerous and likes to throw ashtrays when she gets wasted. Another queen could be high out of her mind. Oh, and a backwoods, country girl. With the MC, that would make up seven girls. Maybe add a gothic girl - oh, and denitely a slut-whore! Cant have a show without one! If you take out the whole murder mystery aspect, it could easily be a show with a different song for each queen, where she explains why she should be the next MC. Of course, there would have to be some type of secondary conict happening underneath the basic premise. Perhaps two queens really hate each other and keep getting on each others nerves until a big ght ensues at the end of the show. On top of that, there could be two queens who like each other and nally end up making out at some point. Perhaps the MC is secretly sleeping with one of the contestants and that ends up being a huge scandal. This person could be randomly chosen each night as well, since the person whos sleeping with the MC should probably be disqualied. Its not a bad idea at all and could be really, really fun to put on. It would, of course, take a lot more time and work to put this type of show on and I already have so much groundwork done for MBPGM, where I already know the set, the characters and would just have to do some editing and adding. This other show idea would be completely from the ground-up. I also already know how funny MBPGM is and how much people loved it. Of course, I also want to release a new album in 2012 and I dont know how Im going to do all of this. But, I gure I dont have a real job and my school
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work load next semester is going to be a lot less than it is this semester. I dont have any shows planned for after December, so Ill denitely have time to work on some stuff. I already have some songs going for my new album. I wrote a fair amount of songs that I never ofcially released this past summer that I want to rework and rework until I am completely satised with them. I want to take a lot of time to make them special songs. Ill keep them all to myself all the way up to the albums ofcial release date. This time, Id like to release it like regular labels release music: by hyping it up and not letting anyone hear anything until it ofcially releases. Perhaps, when everything is nished, I can pick one song to be a single. Either way, I dont plan on releasing it until late 2012 and my process for nishing it is just visiting the songs here and there, xing one thing here, adding something new there. Im making myself sit with the songs so that I become extremely familiar with them by the time they are released. In the past, Ive always released songs just as soon as I put them down into recorded form and while I think thats a ne way of being a music artist, its not exactly the most protable way to get music out there. When people have instant access to everything you do as soon as you do it, youre probably not putting out your best work all the time. Also, people are just a whole lot less likely to buy your music when they have such easy access to everything through Facebook and your website. I put all these musical theatre ideas out there on Facebook today and got some great feedback from my friend Woodstock. She said that I should focus on this new idea because it is so exciting and because, since Ive already done MBPGM, I could always pick it up again and the longer I wait until I do, the more perspective Ill ultimately have for how it should be done. Id agree with that and plus, a whole gaggle of drag queens sounds like such a great time! Of course, nding a bunch of drag queens who would be able to commit might be difcult, but Ive never let that stop me. Theres so many other things to think about too - like which venue to go with and how to do the music. Id love to get a small band and do live music, but Im just not sure how feasible that would be in regard to the budget and rehearsal time. I dont know how Id coordinate all of that by myself. Of course, with drag queens, they would all have their own makeup and costumes, so thatd be a whole lot less to worry about! Anyway, my brain is on re! Ive got a lot of stuff to keep thinking and dreaming about. Until then, Ive got a few performances coming up that I should also focus on. I dont want to spread myself too thin mentally at this point. So! More on all of that later.
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John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty: Things Im Grateful For

Well, youd think Id run out of thoughts to think about, but somehow, I keep coming up with them. Its a good thing too, cause I still have ten more to go after today. Phew, this project is turning out a little tougher than I thought it would be! Ive been thinking a lot about how Thanksgiving is coming up. Its slightly ridonkulous, but I actually have a rehearsal on Thanksgiving day. Yes, I know, really? Even my friend Alan, who invited my boyfriend and I to eat dinner with him and his partner, said, Efng really? Ha! Yeah, I know - but my fellow actor had to leave town for several days and we missed a few necessary rehearsals, so were having to make them up where we can and I guess Thanksgiving day is one of them! Anyway, I dont care about doing regular stuff that day. Thanksgiving and Christmas have rarely been normal holidays for me anyway. For so many years, I waited tables on Thanksgiving. I remember that was always a good money day at Village Inn. My last restaurant always gave us the day off and sometimes, Id attempt to cook food but most of the time, I think I just stayed at home and smoked weed. This is the rst year in many that I wont actually be going to Wichita, Kansas for Christmas. Honestly, Im relieved. Traveling to Kansas has never been easy or cheap. Most of the time, Id end up renting a car and driving Paul and Jeff down and Id nd myself stressing over I-70 because there would usually be snow or sleet or something scary to deal with. And then, once Id get to Wichita, Id nd myself having to go to so many different places that the biggest stress would be juggling my schedule between my mom, my dad, my godmother and my friends. No one would ever be at the same place. Everyone would be talking shit on each other. Just stressful ... and expensive! This year, were just going to stay in Seattle and do our own thing. It sounds like well be having Thanksgiving dinner with Alan and Patrick and that sounds like a great old time to me. Itll be nice to just relax and kick up our feet. So, Im leading to wonder what Thanksgiving really means to me. I remember hearing on TV the other day that originally, the puritans (I think thats who they were) who celebrated thanksgiving actually did not eat a bunch of food like todays modern consumer-driven Americans. They fasted! Yes, imagine that! I could probably do with some fasting myself. Ive gained too many pounds and my body has become soft and just not what I had ever hoped for. You can grab on to too many parts of my torso and my skin will collect and bunch up. Its just nasty. Anyway! I guess Thanksgiving is a time to be extra-grateful for the things we have and whats going on in our lives. Since I have made a point in my own life to be
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grateful for what I have every day, it seems a little redundant to me, but heck - Ill just go with it and try to come up with a top-ten list of things Im super-grateful for. Okay, ready? Here we go! Number Ten: Unemployment. Jeeze, I tell you what - the unemployment I have collected since June of 2010 has kept me right over that line of falling into the nancial hole Ive been digging over the last several years. I dont know how we do it, as Americans, but it seems to me like life without some type of debt is nearly impossible. I mean, if you think about it, the only way you can get a house is if youre rich and have lots of cash or if youve got a job and are willing to pay it off for thirty years. Most of the time, you cant even qualify for a loan unless youve already got a regular history running up and paying off debt. Consider someone like me - I have an amazing credit score because Ive been steeped in debt for years, yet Im never late making payments on anything. The credit companies love me because Im not afraid to become a slave to their credit limits. I dont know how many times Ive had a credit card company bump my line up to $6,000 all the way up to $10,000. When that happens, you think - how crazy! Why would I ever need that much of a credit line. Well, before you know it, you end up using it and using it until you realize thats how they get you. Im just thankful that Ive had unemployment for as long as I have. I know its almost up. Im just hoping that it doesnt kill me that I wont be getting that extra $340 every two weeks. But its probably a good thing. Hopefully it will force me to get some kind of job. I think Ive been too picky because Ive been able to count on that unemployment to keep me aoat. Eventually, Ill probably end up a part-time waitress again, god forbid, but for now, I can focus on theatre and just be glad. Number Nine: School loans and the ability to go to school. I have always enjoyed being a college student. Ive technically been in school since 2005, with about a year break in 2009. I didnt really start racking up the loans until 2010 when I started my M.A. degree. My senior year in college was a full-ride and I didnt take out any loans then, but now, Im taking twenty grand every year. I think Im up to 80 grand now and theres no job in sight. So ridiculous, but I can say that I am a much different person than I was in 2004. Now I can proudly call myself well-educated. Too bad no one pays you to be smart. I am grateful for the privileges Ive had in regard to going to school. Ive learned how to sing and act and be a great performer. Ive learned a lot about psychology and instructional design. Ive been able to get computer software and equipment at great deals because of my student status. Ive met lots of people and made great relationships with them. I have a lot of great memories from my time as an undergrad too. I fullled a lot of my personal dreams through college.
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Number Eight: The ability to move my body. Im glad that Im able to physically do things that allow me to act in theatre. Its easy to take movement for granted. You dont realize how valuable or even seemingly essentially moving your body is for most daily routines. Not until you lose that ability. So, for now, Im absolutely grateful. Number Seven: The ability to sing. They say singing is the highest form of spiritual praise. I can say, for sure, that when I sing, I think Im the most spiritually connected than at any other time in my life. I love being able to sing and Im so happy that Ive learned how to sing in a way that other people can appreciate. This gives me opportunities to sing on stage and continue to work on my craft as a singer. Number Six: Not having some chronic or terminal disease. Ive met and had friends who suffered from diseases that really affect their daily lives. The mental and emotional toll this takes is perhaps the greatest challenge for them to enjoy their lives. Its hard to say if we are strong enough to deal with this type of life situation and for now, Im just grateful that god or the great cosmos above have not given me an opportunity to nd out if I am strong enough or not. Number Five: Having a roof over my head when I sleep at night. Paying rent has and probably always be my greatest priority nancially. I never take any chances as to whether or not I will be able to pay rent. Being homeless sounds like the most terrifying way to live a life. There was one and only one time in my life where I was late paying rent and the person I was subletting to made my life a living hell until I could get the money to her. I went to so far as to ask my mother for help, which is something I never ever do and will never do again. While I would never wish any harm on anyone, I can probably say that I hope the decision that woman made to make my life a living hell still haunts her to this day. I have a feeling, though, that it probably doesnt and that shes mostly forgotten about me. Karmas a bitch, but shes also aky sometimes. At any rate, I am always aware that I could lose shelter at any given month if Im not careful and so Im always very grateful that I havent struggled so much that rent couldnt be paid. I do, however, chalk that up to the fact that Ive made it such a priority in my adult years. Number Four: My friends. Who are you without friends to love you and miss you and want to know how youre doing? I think if I never had any friends throughout my life, I wouldnt have much of a sense of identity. I know what my best and worst qualities are because of the interactions Ive had with my friends. My friends are responsible for who I have become and so if I love myself at all, I owe much of that to the love of my friends. Friends are what keeps you from
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feeling invisible - from feeling like if you disappeared, there wouldnt be a void where you left. Number Three: My cats. My cats are like my children. They keep me stable because I have them to care for. They give me a sense of responsibility much like those who have actual children, except my cats rarely talk back and rarely get themselves into trouble. Well, okay, Sylvester likes to nd unique ways of getting into trouble, but its not like Ill ever have to pay for him to go to college or get piano lessons or anything. They are simple, soft and usually always ready to receive love. I also like that they are different from dogs in that you have to earn and maintain a sense of trust with your cats. You cant expect your cat to always be around for you like a dog will. Dogs will take attention no matter what, but a cat, you must continuously respect. I like that about them and Im very grateful to have them in my life. I cant imagine what its going to be like when they pass on. I just cant think about that at all! Number Two: My family and my boyfriend. Even though my mom can be unassumingly overly critical about my life and even though my father can be unassumingly neglectful about my life, Im grateful I still have them alive today. I may not always agree with either of them, but Ill always appreciate the fact that I can pick up the phone and talk to them. I love how night and day they are. Its an amazing thought that they ever got together, had sex and bore me. I think thats what makes me so interesting is that I come from two starkly different individuals. Im also completely grateful for my boyfriend, of course. Hes like my husband except I have troubles calling him that since we cant legally get married. But if anyone were to be anything like my husband, it would be him. Weve been through a lot together and are still in love. I cant imagine what my life would be like without him. I know I would not be as happy and would probably be getting into a shit-pile of trouble. Being single was never a great thing for me and my man makes me whole. I just hope I can be as good of a boyfriend to him as he has been to me someday. Im eternally grateful for him. Number One: My life. Without this life, there wouldnt be anything to talk about. Id be an energy particle or a salmon or a stepped-on spider. Enough said! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-One: Make Your Own Kind of Music

Well, here I am, sitting in the Seattle Center House and trying to catch up on nanowrimo again. I dont know if they picked November because it seemed convenient for them, but having participated in this for my fourth year, I can honestly say its one of the most horrible months to try and accomplish writing fty thousand words in thirty days. My Novembers have always been jam-packed with activities and deadlines. This year is no different. Ive got my masters work which is taking more time than I would like - as in, its actually taking time to do. Ha! I spent the majority of the day today trying to get the content together for my edWeb, or educational website. This whole eLearning degree is really strange for me. I dont necessarily know how Im going to make this degree work out for me. All I can really do is just do my best. Ive probably talked about this before, but a lot of the jobs Ive seen for eLearning require that you have a bachelor degree in some type of basic eld like math, science, marketing, etc. Theres just not a lot of vocal performance majors who end up meandering to eLearning like I did. But screw it. I got myself into this mess and by God, Ill make something shine out of it. Ill just keep working on my edWeb and try to make it look as good as possible. Ill get my portfolio together and perhaps someone will hire me to do something related to eLearning. At this point, Im just ready to have a job! I was looking at my bank account today and gritting my teeth. Im so close to not having enough money to get me through to the end of January. December and January are always tough months since Ive depended so much on student loans to get me through. If I keep getting unemployment (its supposed to run out any time now), then I should be okay. Otherwise, we might be late for rent in January. Fun times! Im not blaming anyone. Ive gotten myself into this whole mess. I just keep telling myself that all the decisions Ive made were made for some good reason or another and that I shouldnt be so hard on myself. Im not some vagrant or anything. Im a hard working, highly ethical individual who just wants to do the best I can at whatever it is Im supposed to be doing. But that, my friends, is the rub - what am I supposed to be doing? Yes, Im talented at acting and singing and I can write a good tune. I have a lot of potential in the performance world, but Im just not sure how to make it work without a day job. And if it were as easy as just getting a day job, I wouldnt have anything to complain about. Id be like everyone else - doing something Monday through Friday and then living my dreams in the theatre on weeknights and weekends.
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I could do a bunch of stuff. I could start a nonprot theatre organization and just do my own shows. Of course, with no income other than stupid school loans and unemployment, thats way easier said than done. It is, however, a great option to think about when I nally do get out of school. I hear if youve got a nice nonprot going, it can help you if you dont have the money to pay off student loans. And Id be helping the community! So, I was all excited about downloading Kate Bushs new album. I nally did a few nights ago and I gave it a listen. I can say that it was about what I expected, but not quite what I was hoping for. I suppose that when we reach a certain age, we kind of stop making intense music. Kate Bush has always been great for making intensely imaginative, dream-like music. This album does that, but in a much slower, soothing and atmospheric way. Its not exactly attention-grabbing. Its the kind of music that would best be heard in the background, really, and I cant hide my disappointment. I wanted so much more! And what is it with my favorite artists bringing their kids into the mix? Tori has her daughter singing on her new album and Kates got her son singing on hers. Both of their childrens voices are really quite beautiful and it makes me more excited to see if these kids will blossom into their own music journeys. Of course, they have such big shoes to ll, I wonder if they would really go for it in the end. Who knows how much their mothers dragged them into it! So, I dont know if its older age or having kids that does it, but both those ladies put out some rather sleepy songs this year. Im a little sad because Ive been craving new music by them and was so happy and surprised when I found out they were. I guess you cant have everything. At least Bjrk put out some amazing work this year, though, I might say, it was also a little sleepy in comparison to her previous work. But still - her music is wildly awesome regardless. The more I think about it, the more it makes me look at my own music that Ive made. I havent released anything in 2011 and wont. I have a gaggle of unreleased songs that Im not totally happy with. My goal is to get them reworked and in a better place so I can release them next year. I also want to take more time to perfect the overall sound and make some touches that show maturity and skill in recording. In the past, Ive always released music as soon as I put it down. It was always good enough for me because I was in the frame of mind that I had to prove to myself and others that I had what it took to not just write some songs, but to be prolic. And prolic I was. Twenty albums in ve years is no game, but I can tell you there are a collection of songs in those twenty albums that I probably could have and should have kept to myself.
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I do look at those ve years as a documentation of sorts, like a journal of my musical journey. So, in some ways, every one of those songs should be out there for the world to hear and see. You can listen to my music chronologically and hear a real progression in my work. Thats been ne for ve years. Now, I want to do more. Now I want to work on an album that Ive sat with for at least a year. I want to spend so much time on it that I know the music backwards and forwards. I want to rerecord vocals over and over again until I get that one magic sound. I want to build the songs up, break them back down and build em up again until I come up with a sound that I am truly proud to share with the world. And Im going to keep all this music to myself. Im not going to listen to outside perspectives and opinions, though I know they are valuable. I want an album that reects my own perspective over the course of years. I want to create a masterpiece of sorts. Something I could possibly tour with - you never know! These are the things I think about as I wait for rehearsal to begin. Sometimes, I feel like I spread myself out so thin that Ill never get anything done in my life. Ill just be known for trying a lot things, but perhaps never known for being really great at anything. I mean, who has a wiki that says, After he produced three original musicals, he began his journey in eLearning? Really? BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Two: Only in My Dreams

Ever since I stopped smoking marijuana several months ago, I have been having vivid dreams every night. Theres really not a morning that I dont wake up and remember whatever dream it is that I had. I suppose thats a good thing. Im not really sure if it means anything at all, other than the fact that my mind is probably more aware than it has been for several years. I suppose life without good ol marijuana is better. Im not going to lie. There are some rainy days when I dont have anywhere to be and I get that itch. But its not the kind of itch that absolutely has to be scratched. I dont get all crazy about it - I just kind of think to myself, Thatd be nice, and move on with other thoughts. I have dreams with recurring characters, most of them from my childhood. A lot of the time its my long time friend, Jeff, or his father. My mom and my own dad often show up in my dreams. Then, of course, theres brief visits from my sister. Those are the stranger ones because during the dreams, I kind of forget that she died. Its not until I wake up and a few minutes pass that I remember and take a sigh of disappointment. I then try to think about what stuff we talked about or what happened in my dream because I wonder sometimes if thats really her spirit visiting me. A lot of the time, my dreams deal with some type of guilt. Usually Ive done something to get myself in trouble and Im trying to work a way out of the problem. Those arent my favorite types of dreams. Other times, I have these incredible dreams where Im on a plane that almost hits a building or Im on some strange roller coaster that ies off the rail. I love those kinds of dreams. I remember another dream where the Earth had lost its orbit and was heading towards the sun. That was pretty darn amazing, but also had this feeling of sadness as I remember I was trying to nd people to be with for the end and, of course, you know the way dreams work - I wasnt able to do that. Its funny how in our dreams we have these goals and objectives that always get derailed, whether its because something else happens or because the dream itself changes entirely. I guess dreams represent real life that way. If I had more wherewithal, Id totally do what people say you should do: make some kind of conscious decision to dream about something, go to bed, then wake up in the morning and write down everything you can remember. Thats ne if youre one of those people who can focus and develop habits easily, but thats not me. Ill do something like crazy for three weeks, burn out and then move on.
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You know, I was watching The Dead Files from the Travel Channel. Its not the best show Ive ever seen, but it is interesting. This lady named Amy walks through houses and talks to dead people and then some cop guy does his own independent investigation. Then they come together and see how much they nd out and what similarities were discovered. There was this one episode where one of the clients of the investigation said that she speaks with all these spirits in her dreams. Amy told her that before she goes to bed at night, she should tell the spirits that its okay to talk to her, but not through her. I thought that was a real interesting thing and wondered if I might be able to do it myself. I think maybe tonight, Ill say something out loud about how spirits can visit me in my dreams and talk to me - but not THROUGH me! Ha! Im not trying to get possessed or anything. It would be fascinating if it worked. If it does, I probably wont tell anyone for fear of people thinking Im absolutely bonkers. But I sure as heck would write those interactions down! It makes me wonder what types of spirits might be in my apartment building. Im not really sure. I dont think I could sense them the way our apartment is now. Theres far too much electricity running and other noises that would, I would think, make it hard to sense a spirit. One time, last year, when I was still living in Denver, the electricity went out in my entire block while I was shopping at the grocery store. I came home to absolutely deadening silence. I found myself staying outside on my balcony because for some reason, I was too freaked out to actually sit inside my apartment alone. There was something about the air in there ... it seemed very heavy, not to mention extremely warm (it was during the summer, if I remember right). I think the apartment we live in now has been around for at least forty years. Thats plenty of time for people to have died and stuck around, so Im sure theres probably some spirits somewhere. Heck, I might just give it a try. Of course, I should probably think of what I might talk about ahead of time. Id hate to invite spirits for a chat and then not have any questions prepared for them ahead of time. What could I ask? I suppose the rst questions, beyond the normal hello, how are you and whats your name, would be something like, What happened to you? Perhaps something more specic, like, What happened when you died? I hear that spirits want their stories told, so thats probably the best way to get a conversation started. If I could speak to any spirit, Id love to speak to Nina Simone. I had a dream several years ago that I was sitting with her on the back porch of one of her houses in the South of France. She was giving me a bunch of advise on life and men and I remember being so happy in that dream. Id love to visit her again,
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whether it be her actual spirit or it be a gment of my own imagination. I always thought of Nina as kind of a mother gure in my mind. I learned so much and developed a lot of my philosophy on life through the lessons learned in her music and her life. Of course, Id love to talk to my sister too. I suppose Id like to talk to my grandparents, though I did not really know any of them. I know my mothers mother for a bit - before she got Alzheimers - but I dont think she really cared for me. I have no idea if she would even approve of my gay life. I wonder how that works - if spirits do exist and the soul lingers after life ends. Because social standards evolve over time, how to folks that were alive even just fty years ago deal with watching their descendants change? I wonder if the spirits themselves also change their attitudes about gender, race and orientation? I know that Amy lady from The Dead Files mentions a lot of these male spirits have a tough time with women who are independent and stuff. Does that mean my grandmother or great-grandmother or great-great - you get the picture - does that mean those people would not like me or want to visit me because I represent modern ideas? Its interesting to think about. Ive always been jealous of those people who say they have lucid dreams all the time. I rarely get the opportunity to realize Im dreaming in a dream, let alone the ability to start making decisions and doing what I want in a dream. Just think of the possibilities! If I could do anything I wanted to in a dream, geeze, Id probably make a bunch of money, get some hookers, do a bunch of blow and gamble! Ha! No well, maybe - for one dream anyway. I suppose if we could do anything we wanted to in our dreams, wed do more substantial, spiritual activities that come from a higher plane of pleasure and not the more primitive desires that are more present in our conscious lives. And just like a dream, I feel this journal entry today is totally meandering and slightly pointless. I know in my own dreams, I have little control over what happens or what I end up doing. I feel like Im always being guided by my emotions and traumas from my life when Im dreaming. They say thats what we do when we dream: process the pain and doldrums of our daily lives. Perhaps if I can remember my dream tomorrow morning, Ill try to quickly get it down and make it part of my entry tomorrow. Ill even do that thing before bed where I ask spirits to talk to me, but not through me. Who knows - maybe Ill end up visiting someone real interesting. Maybe Ill end up talking to Ozell, the cat I had for a few months before he died of Baby Kitty Leukemia (thats the non-scientic name). I always wondered if our cats and dogs would be with us after we die. That would be nice. I do wonder, though, if those crazy cat ladies on Hoarders would have like 200 cats
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waiting for her after death. Im not sure if that would be the best thing to happen, but I suppose if the lady hoarded them in her actual life, she probably wouldnt mind hoarding them in the afterlife either. I wonder what kind of afterlife is out there for poor Ozell. He didnt live very long at all. His last month or two before I put him down was probably lled with unspoken misery. Me, having not been the best mommy, did not even realize he was sick until the last week or two when he was totally lethargic. If I could talk to him in my dreams, Id tell him that Im awfully sorry I had him waiting around to die like that. I still feel pretty guilty to this day about the whole matter. I also feel terrible that I did not stay with him when they put him to sleep. My friend Patrick said thats what he did when he put his pets down. When it happened to me, I was so distraught over the whole thing that I just paid for it and left, crying uncontrollably as I drove home. I let the poor guy be put down all by himself. Maybe one of the vets was with him. I dunno, really. Maybe hell come to talk to me in my dream and let me know. The poor thing. Anyway, its high time I put this entry to a close. If your head is spinning after reading this, its okay. Mine is too. Ha! Ive got some work to do on my stupid edWeb so Id better do some of that before it gets to be too late. Goodnight and sweet dreams! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Three: 2012 is Gonna Be CRAZY

Am I the only one who think 2012 is going to be one helluva crazy year? You know, I watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann and it seems to be the only news program out there that actually keeps a real eye on the Occupy Wall Street protestors across the country. Of course, I dont really watch many other news programs, so maybe the rest is too, but somehow I doubt they are giving it as much coverage. I dont mind the program so much. I do feel like Im being informed, but sometimes I feel it has too much of a liberal bias. Id really like to watch some news that is absolutely balanced. I want to hear about the problems on both sides. At any rate, I was watching tonight and they were showing a clip of President Obama speaking to a highschool in New Hampshire and he was distracted and interrupted by the Occupy Wall Street folks who were yelling mic check! The prez even stopped what he was saying and listened to them. Of course, what else could he do? Since at least September, Ive been keeping my own eye on this protest movement and I have predicted that they will only get larger. I honestly do feel that we are on the precipice of a social movement like our country had with the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. The only big difference is that we have so much technology today that were all easily distracted and, quite frankly, bored. Also, our media outlets and the way we get news can so heavily condense whats happening that we may not be totally understanding of what is actually going on in the streets of our nation. Do people realize that over 4,000 arrests have been made in the last several months? Do people actually care? Another thing thats interesting that the program mentioned was that people who watch Fox News are supposed to be less aware of whats going on in the world than people who dont watch any news on television at all. This was from an article that came out in the New York Daily News: http:// www.nydailynews.com/news/fox-news-viewers-informed-current-events-don-twatch-news-study-nds-article-1.981257?localLinksEnabled=false. Of course, this was a poll taken in New Jersey, so it may not reect people in America as a whole. I do think it points to some truth, however. I cant believe our government or some other type of ofcial people hasnt tried to do something about the amount of disinformation that channel is putting out there. Perhaps theres disinformation happening on CNN and MSNBC as well. Its just insane, really. I hope these Occupy Wall Street protestors can bring this movement to a place where we, as citizens of this country, are able to make the necessary changes to media and the government - changes that will help improve the
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quality of lives not just for us but for the future generations ahead of us. A bunch of these protestors are smart kids who have graduated from college and are stacked in a bunch of student loan debt and have no jobs. I totally understand their frustrations, having graduated summa cum laude and having a hell of a time trying to nd work myself. Of course, I did get my B.S. degree in Vocal Performance, so Im pretty much responsible for all the damage Ive done. Ha! Its funny. I graduated with a 3.94 GPA for my bachelors and I have a 4.0 for my masters, which is nearly nished. Yet, Im applying for jobs where it makes a whole lot more sense for me to lie and say that I got a GED. I really do think my level of education works against me when it comes to trying to get some type of a job. Starbucks didnt even want me and I think I would have been a great daytime barista! Of course, I wont lie ... Im kind of relieved Starbucks didnt hire me because I didnt think I was going to be able to wake up at 3 oclock in the morning - heck - thats when I go to bed sometimes! Also, I was going to have to walk from the top of Capitol Hill all the way to downtown around 4 oclock in the morning. Do you know how sketchy that is? 4 a.m. is when all the craziest, most serious crimes happen. Knowing my luck, Id have gotten that job and would have ended up a statistic in a few months. What Id really like is a nice day job. Nothing too serious or stressful that I wouldnt be able to continue my craft as a performing artist. Just something where I can come in, make some people happy and then be on about my life. But what kind of jobs out there allow for that? The rst thought that pops up into my mind is breakfast/lunch waitress. I did that kind of work for seven years and it nearly killed me - well, it nearly destroyed my soul. I promised myself Id never do that line of work again after I left and so far, Ive kept my word. The longer I think about it, though, the more I keep thinking I should just start applying to those breakfast/lunch places. They are great jobs in that you get up early, but not so early that you cant take a bus to work. You come in, make some money for four to six hours and then you have the rest of the day and night to do whatever it is you want to do in your life. The more I think about it, the more appealing it becomes again. But then I remember all the stress and drama and conict and innerstruggle that comes with that kind of work. People treat you like shit. People run you into the ground. Bosses constantly make you feel like youre dispensable. Of course, that was seven years in Denver, working at a small chain for a super conservative group of owners. It could totally be different here in Seattle. I always liked working for UNOs in San Francisco. That was good money and my bosses werent totally mean or crazy - though there was a hell of a lot of drama. Oh yes, much drama was had at that store. But I chalk a lot of that up to
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the fact that I was in my early twenties and was dealing with drug and sex abuse problems. Im sure most of the drama I had back then was mostly driven by mere existence! Ha! My actor friend, Ali, works at a place called Portage Bay Caf. Ive thought about going and applying there and then I start talking to her and she always seems so stressed out about her job. I wonder, though, if I applied and just worked 15 to 20 hours a week, if it would really be all that stressful. Thats assuming they would hire me. Whether I end up nding a job in 2012 or not, yet, dear God, I hope I end up nding something next year, I think the year itself is going to be crazy. I hope these protest continue to grow, but I hope they dont end up getting more violent. The moment these protests get violent is the moment our country steps down from being a civilized country. I do fear that we are becoming more representative of third-world countries who have extreme economic inequality and violence on the streets. If we can keep our protests nonviolent, I think it will be more powerful and positive changes can come from them. Violence begets violence and honestly, nothing good can come out of it. I just hope the American people and the powers-that-be are willing to open their eyes, ears and hearts and see this movement for what it is: a time for change. Whatever happens, I think 2012 is going to be very interesting. I just hope it ends on a better note than 2011 seems to be ending on. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Four: Im Stuffed Like That Turkey

Well, we just spent the last several hours eating a bunch of food, drinking a bunch of wine and enjoying the company of our good friends Alan and Patrick. Ahh, we had a great, relaxing time and I am denitely thankful to have them in my life! It was nice to spend the day with my boyfriend too. So often when I go spend time with friends, my man ends up having to work. Well, thankfully, he did not have to today. He will be working around 2 a.m., however, because I guess he volunteered to help decorate Trader Joes for the Christmas holiday. I ate so much efng turkey, stufng, cranberries, mushrooms and Brussels sprouts. We had some delicious champagne with cranberry juice (great idea, by the way!) and then we drank some wonderful Chilean County, Washington wine. I think Id be good if I didnt eat for like three days, Im so full. But, Im happy. Oh, I totally forgot to mention the apple pie made from San Juan Island apples with homemade whipped cream and the homemade pumpkin pie, which, I politely declined for fear of exploding right there at the dinner table. I had a four hour rehearsal today too. Can you believe it? Theatre rehearsal on Thanksgiving Day? Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy, but it happened! Because my co-actor had to leave for San Francisco for a week recently, due to a personal family loss, we ended up losing a few rehearsals that we could only reschedule for today. I think it went pretty good. At least the rst half. The second half seemed rather strained. I dont know if it was because we were a little tired or because it was Thanksgiving day or what - but that last hour seemed to be a real struggle for us. While I feel honored to be a part of this production and I truly am excited for the performances at the beginning of December, I think Ill be really glad when its all over with. Some shows go smoothly and others are a little rougher. This one feels a little rougher, for sure. Either way, I think well get a lot of laughs and really, thats what were there for. Tomorrow is my only day off for quite awhile. After tomorrow, Ill be in rehearsals every night until next Sunday. Its great to be so busy, but I sure picked a bad time for it. Im supposed to be nishing my edWeb for my masters degree and Im not gonna lie. I have at least eight major tasks to get done before the rst week of December if I want to continue to be the Type A personality I am usually so proud to be. Worst case scenario, I could get about two of those tasks done by Monday and then get another two tasks nished by the next week and Ill probably still walk away from the class with an A. What I would prefer is that I get all eight tasks done on the deadlines that Ive chosen for myself. The more I can get done now, the better my graduating portfolio will be. If I dont nish my deadlines, I may
John Paul Sharp
easily end up procrastinating on them over the next year and who knows how that will look for my portfolio at the end of the day. No matter how it all goes down, I truly am grateful to have these types of concerns in my life. My future might not be completely obvious at any given time, but really, who wants that kind of life anyway? Sure, a little more security would be nice, but I think I like the fact that I dont know what my life will look like from year to year. It probably makes my mother sick to her stomach and I know my own turns from time to time, but Im an artist, for goodness sakes. Arent I supposed to be poor with a sense of uidity for my lifes journey? Shoot. Im probably right where I need to be. Lately, Ive been thinking about starting a 501c3 to produce my own theatre shows. Yes, I know it sounds like a terrible amount of work, but what the hell else am I going to do without a job? Acting in shows and getting an M.A. degree is great, but what good am I doing for the community? At least with a nonprot, I could expand on my theatre talents and really nd a place for myself with people here in Seattle. If I really do end up getting another M.A. in Drama Therapy at Antioch, I could easily tie in a nonprot organization into my work. Its denitely on my brain, but it will take a lot more research to really make an informed decision is thats the right direction for me. I just want to nd ways to spend my time that will help others, allow a place for someone like me to do the things I do best, and to, hopefully, some day make enough money to provide for my family. I may be fty years old before I gure it out, but I gure as long as I am able to keep a roof over our heads, I think well be okay. Yes, Im perfectly ne with the way things are going. Im perfectly happy with the set of friends I have and the circumstances God has put in me in. I love my kitties and I love my boyfriend. Hell, the only thing that keeps me from calling him my husband is the fact that its not legal for me to have one. Im not one of those people who can just pretend that we do have rights when we really dont. And Im also not the type of guy to go have some civil union ceremony either. That all seems false to me. I get why people do it. I mean, we should have some way to celebrate our love and all that stuff, but for me to have a ceremony? It would be like a slap in my own face. The whole thing would just be a big statement that says, We cant legally get married, so were having a civil union which is different from marriage but supposedly a decent alternative. Thats just not my style. If I were to have a civil union, Id demand that everyone wear blood red clothes or perhaps ruin their clothes by throwing blood on them. Then we could all gather around and scream and yell while the ceremony progresses. That would be my kind of civil union because it would be making a statement that a
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civil union is in no way an acceptable alternative to marriage. Marriage is marriage and nothing else will do for me. Of course, Im probably also one of those people where if marriage were legal, Id probably prefer not to do it. Not for at least ten good years. I gure if two people are together for at least ten years, they might as well get married. Maybe fteen years is even better. These folks who get married after knowing each other for less than a year are just plumb crazy if you ask me. I think one would have better luck if they went to Las Vegas with their life savings, honestly. And dont even get me started on that Kardashian wedding thing. Oh, the hypocrisy of it all! What a slap in the face to all people, gay or straight or whatever. But, you know what? Its efng Thanksgiving and I shouldnt be wasting my thoughts or energies on the likes of that whole mess. I think the longer I do these daily writings, the more twisty and turning my daily thoughts become. Could I be running out of things to think about or is it just that Im losing my ability to commit to one specic thought or another? Who knows. All I know is that Im just going to keep writing and putting my thoughts out there cause all I have are seven more days and seven more thoughts. And you know what? This is the rst year out of four years Ive participated in nanowrimo.org that Im actually going to accomplish the goal of writing fty thousand words in the month of November. And whether my thoughts are discombobulated, I really dont care! Ill still feel like Ive accomplished something Ive tried to accomplish for many years. Technically, Im not even following the rules, but I still dont care. Technically, the rules are that youre supposed to write ctional novel of fty thousands words in the month of November. Im not writing a ctional novel, Im writing about thirty thoughts in thirty days. Theres no plot and theres not much ction either. Its the just the thoughts and feelings I call my own by putting them down into written form. Maybe next year, Ill try a ctional story again. I did it the last several years. I wrote one story that ended up being a good forty or fty pages long. Its actually a great start to a story, but it just stops. Theres no conclusion and theres not much of a body either. Its just a really great setup that could probably be condensed. It was a horror story called Patience, named after the main character, a woman who lost her family to drug abuse and domestic violence. She ends up homeless a year later and gets caught up with a strange man who takes her to a cabin in the woods, holds her hostage and rapes her. The ghost of her youngest daughter helps her escape into the woods and thats where the story ends.
John Paul Sharp
Where I had planned on taking it was Patience was going to end up nding a hidden bunker. When she tries and fails to enter it, she encounters strange beings and is surrounded by bright lights. She passes out and wakes up in a jail cell. Then these mysterious beings open the door and she, with the help of a random young man who is also in the cell, make their way through strange rooms and tunnels. I dont know what happens during this part, but I gure there were some puzzles and battles that had to take place for them to make their way out. I was planning on having them leave the tunnels and either 1) nd themselves in the DIA airport (Denver), or coming out into an entirely different world. The story has potential, but Im not sure if its a horror story or a sci-/ fantasy novel. Its probably a mixture of both. Well, anyway, if its meant to be, itll happen! Okay, thats enough random thoughts for you all today. I hope all of you have enjoyed your Thanksgiving days and I hope youve all spent some great time with your family and/or your friends. Thats what life should be about. Spend every day being thankful, not just one day a year. Tell everyone around you how much you love them. Eat, drink and be merry. Our problems are never xed. Everything is uid and so are the gifts we have. Appreciate them every day. Thats it! Love you all! Goodnight! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Five: My Heaven Has Cats

I was listening to Tryst With Mephistopheles by Owen Pallett on my way to Ballard today and it nearly made me cry. Could it have been the glass of wine I had just an hour earlier? Or was it the two coronas I drank shortly after that glass of wine? Of course, it could have been the empty stomach which received these beverages. It could have been the overcast weather too. Theres just something about his music that I connect with so strongly. Its just so efng amazing! Okay, enough vomiting my obsessive love for his music. We get it. I love it! I just want everyone else to love it just as much. Todays been a busy day so far. I was accidentally 45 minutes late to my rst rehearsal today. I think Ive learned that I cant trust my own mind most of the time, as I thought our rehearsal was starting at 1:30 p.m. when it was really noon. I had it in my calendar on my iPhone at 1;30. This isnt the rst time Ive mixed something up in the last month. Last time, I thought we were meeting in Ballard for my other show and it ended up that we were supposed to be in TPS at the Seattle Center House. I thought, perhaps, that it wasnt clearly communicated to the cast, but after I checked e-mails, I see that the director mentioned it three separate times. Yeah. Its my mind. I was just thinking that it is strange how music can make me so emotional more so than the emotions of other people, I think. Im not sure, but I wonder if that says anything about it me at all. Something along the same vein as people who care more about animals than other human beings, which slightly describes me as well. Its not that I dont care about people, its just that my cats are easier to love. Ha! Even when they are causing trouble and things, I still love them to pieces and have never really gotten angry with them. I think Ive been frustrated with Leighlia before as she was peeing on the carpet a lot there for awhile, but I never really got angry with her because I knew it was my fault that the littler box wasnt the right kind and it was not cleaned enough. I say she had every right to pee on the carpet because back then the litter box was in such a condition that I wouldnt even pee on it. In my opinion, cats are even better than dogs. Why? They can take care of themselves for the most part. You could go on vacation for several days and the only thing someone would need to do is check to make sure there was still some food in their bowls. Theres really no need to walk a cat. Yes, you do need to play with them regularly to keep them happy, but even if you forget or have lapses of laziness (like I do), it doesnt kill them. They just get bored a lot. Cats dont bark either. At most, they cry a lot, which can sometimes be just as annoying, but mostly, its easy to x ... or ignore. Sylvester cries a lot when he
John Paul Sharp
wants to play or needs attention. Most of the time, I just spend a good ve to ten minutes having him chase some string or a bird on the stick. Other times, when Im doing schoolwork and I cant devote the time, I just put on my earphones and he gets over it. Now dogs - they need a lot of attention and care. Last time I went to San Juan Island with my friends, they brought their dogs. I love both of their dogs dearly and they really are cute as a button, but Im not gonna lie. By the time we were in the car on the ferry, I was ready to throw the dogs out on the water. Ha! They just got to be so much and I can only handle it for so long. Its not the end of the world, but I think it would drive me crazy to have my own dog. I just dont think Im a dog person. If I were to have a dog, I would have to have a house with a large backyard and a secure fence. The dog would be allowed inside, but I imagine it would spend most of its time outside. That way, when the dog gets on my nerves from barking or jumping on top of me, I could just make it go outside and play. No, cats are my thing. I think if I were rich and had lots of space, Id probably have a bunch of em running around. Not as much as hoarding cat ladies, because I think thats terribly sad. Cats should have plenty of space to do their own thing. Whenever I watch those shows, I want to hit those hoarders. Whats wrong with them? Cant they see how miserable those cats are, clawing each other and hissing and stuff? Its cause theyre all feeling claustrophobic. Sometimes those shows end up revealing cat skeletons under piles of newspapers. Sickening! How does someone not notice or smell a dead cat? I love how they have a psychologist to help them clean their house when what they really need is a police ofcer with cuffs to arrest them. I bet if hoarders were arrested for that kind of thing more often, theyd not repeat their behavior. Sure, a psychologist does some good, but Im not sure those shows really give these people the consequences to train them to stop being so selsh. A good 48 hours in the clink might show grandma that its not okay to hoard animals. In fact, its just plain wrong. I have great moments with my cats and they denitely have strong personalities. Leighlia is the quiet one who waits for her time to get attention. Usually, its when I go to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet that she comes running up to me, knowing full well that theres nothing for me to do there other than give her attention. Leighlia likes to get what I call bear-hugs. She doesnt mind a good squeeze and will stand there and let you do it for as long as you like. Rarely does she ever cause any problems. There are the few times when shes feeling a little ornery - you can tell cause she starts swinging and whipping her tail around - and shell start coming up to Sylvester and sort of challenging to
John Paul Sharp
do something about her presence. She knows exactly just the kind of thing that will get him chasing her around. Most of the time, though, she doesnt need to do anything. Sylvester will just chase her around, stalk her, watch her while she pees, etc. I think there are some instances where she decides to turn it around on him. Leighlia has always been a mystery. When I rst adopted her, the clinic thought she was about four years old. A few years later, when I took her in for a check-up, they thought she might be closer to eight or nine years old. We have no idea what her birthday is or how old she is. Oh - and did I mention shes a black cat? Very mysterious indeed. Shes got what I call moon-eyes. They are very big and wide and she likes to stare at you. Shes really quite beautiful. Then theres Sylvester. Ive had him since he was just a little baby. He was rescued by my friend Paul in Wichita, Kansas when there was a huge ood. I was in Europe with my god-friend John. When Ozell had to be put down from Kitty Leukemia, John decided that Sylvester would be a great addition to my home. I dont know how he knew, but Sylvester was really the perfect kitty for me. Im pretty sure that Leighlia was not happy about his arrival. Theyve been at odds with each other for the last six and a half years or so. Its probably because hes a tuxedo male and needs a lot of love and attention. He likes to be dominant over most areas of the house. And as I said before, he gets his kicks out of chasing and stalking Leighlia at any given moment of the day. If any cat were a handful, Sylvester is it. It took him four years to learn how to jump up on the counter, but when he did learn, he made it part of his daily existence. Now, he spends a lot of his time scrounging for food bits from the sink or trying to get into the trash. Hes my little street cat, born from the ghettos of Wichita. I always say, You can take the cat out of the streets, but you cant take the streets out of the cat. And that isnt more true than it is with Sylvester. Ive come to start calling Leighlia grandma. I gure if shes about ten or eleven or somewhere around that age, whatever kitties she had before I adopted her have probably had their own by now. Most likely, shes a great-great-greatgrandma. Who knows! But I like to think of her as the older, wiser female perspective in the house. When everyone else is confused, Leighlia probably knows whats going on. And then theres Sylvester. Even though hell be eight years old in April of 2012, I still think of him as my little baby. Whenever my boyfriend complains about him being naughty, my immediate reaction is to tell him, Hes just a baby! I think its funny. My boyfriend probably thinks its annoying. My boyfriend and Sylvester have always had a bit of a time getting to know each other. At rst, we thought maybe Sylvester was racist. But the, I realized that Sylvester is technically mulatto himself, so that cant be it. Eventually, I
John Paul Sharp
realized its because my boyfriend is so tall and his voice is so deep and booming that it probably scares the crap out of him all the time. Sylvester used to bat at him all the time when hed come up to say hello - and my boyfriend would say, You need to control that cats behavior. and I would say, He a man, aint he? Ha! Anyway, thats my little entry about my darlings. I have loved them for years and I will love them until the terrible day when they pass away. Im totally unprepared for this and I imagine when I do lose them, Ill have to take a month off from reality to mourn their loss. I know its wont be easy at all. I cant bare the thought of them leaving me. I hope that their spirits do indeed wait for me when I pass because I want to be in heaven or wherever with my little babies. Heaven wouldnt be heaven without them. BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Six: Looking Ahead to the Next Year

So here I am, waiting at Starbucks for my next rehearsal. Its been a full, rich day for sure. I even have a good-bye party to go to after this, though I dont think Ill stay for long. Im ready to get back home, play a little Skyrim and then hit the hay. Talk about Skyrim, that game is just far too addicting. I could be doing so many other things than playing that game, but as soon as I sit down with it, I end up playing for at least a good three to four hours. Theres been times where Ive purposely kept myself from playing it just from the pure fact that I dont want to get caught into it. Theres just something about the gorgeous graphics and the selfsatisfaction that comes from the innite number of quests and tasks your character gets the opportunity to achieve. And then, theres the achievements and/or trophies (depending on whether youre playing on a PS3 or XBox or even both). Thats what really gets me in. My Type A personality demands that I get all of the trophies and thats probably what keeps me playing after several weeks. But I would like to devote more time to making music. I just dont sit down and record music like I used to. I think part of it is because I just dont smoke marijuana at home anymore. When I would get high, it would be easy for me to sit down and get wrapped up into a new composition or song. I could sit there for hours and keep going until I got it all down. That is part of the problems of my previous work though. Because Id sit there for hours and work on the same recording, I dont think they are as good as they could have been. Ones ears do get tired after awhile and you stopped being able to hear nuances. Its most noticeable when you step away from a recording for a day or so and listen to it again. You hear so many horrible aws and you say to yourself, I had no idea the bass was so overwhelming! Of course not, because you worked on the song for ve hours and couldnt tell the difference by hour three. Now that Im totally sober every day - with the exception of being lightly buzzed from alcohol randomly - I have the opportunity to work on music with a very careful ear. I can patiently work on a song and let it evolve over time. This is something Ive mentioned before and am very interested in following through on. I listen to artists like Owen Pallett and Imogen Heap and others who seamlessly blend electronic and classical elements and thats something Id really like to do. Its the kind of music work that is very detailed, meticulous and requires a great deal of vision to pull off correctly. You have to come up with themes and nd different and interesting ways to arrange them around a voice. It
John Paul Sharp
takes more than just playing around on a keyboard and singing on the y though that style is perfectly ne and something Ive done for many, many years. No, I want to create masterpieces of songs. I want to have an album and listen to it and think, Bach would have done something like this if he were a singer/songwriter. Thats the kind of album I want. Something complex that is pleasing to hear but also demands more of its listeners than just passive participation. I want to demand my listeners actively listen. This kind of dream takes more time, focus and dedication than Im giving it right now. Most of my time is spent rehearsing and performing in theatre. When Im not doing that, Im working on my eLearning stuff or my masters degree. And when Im not doing that stuff, Im watching reality television or playing stupid Skyrim. I think it might be a good idea for me to make some new years resolutions for 2012. Usually, I avoid that kind of thing because I think its ridiculous. After all, we should be focused on our goals throughout the year and the new year doesnt somehow change that. But because it is coming up and I am a little discombobulated, it could probably benet me to get my goals renewed and revisited on paper. My rst resolution would absolutely involved becoming more physically active. I have some pounds that need to get lost! Ive popped buttons on pants and have changed to a whole new size. Its just unacceptable and its nasty. So thats my rst resolution for sure. Start running. Join a gym. Something. Something that gets me sweating on a daily basis. My second would be to quit smoking cigarettes. Ive come so far in becoming the victor over my life-long smoking addiction. The only things I smoke these days are cigarettes. Id like to be completely smoke free by my 33rd birthday. Having started smoking by the time I was about fourteen years old, I think the last 18 or so years have been terric, but I dont want to hit a 20-year anniversary for being a full-time smoker. Deep down inside, thats not who I am. Most people who meet me dont even realize I smoke. Most of my friends are nonsmokers. Its my dirty little secret that I want to become my dirty little past. I think quitting smoking and becoming more physically active could go hand-inhand, dont you? And the third resolution that goes right along with those two is eating better and learning how to cook. My boyfriend likes to eat late at night and I think thats the main culprit to my weight gain. Theres really no need to eat anything after 8pm and there are times when we eat at like midnight or even later. Our bodies dont do anything to process this nutrition. It just becomes fat cells. Since watching all these cooking shows, Ive become more fascinated with learning how to cook and enjoying food. Its so much easier said than done, but I
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bet if I put my head to it, I could get a habit going. The toughest thing is that actual food that isnt totally processed is so much more expensive to buy. It also takes time to buy those groceries and it takes more time to prepare and cook them. Its not easy, but I think its something I want in my life. Hell, you never know, maybe I could be one of those folks on Top Chef or Masterchef or whatever. That would be a fun experience! I think Ill keep them at three resolutions. Once you add anymore, youre just totally fooling yourself. We cant keep track of more than three new life experiences, in my opinion. No, if I were to accomplish those three resolutions through the year 2012, that would be totally ne with me. Id call that a good year. Then my goals for 2012 are pretty simple to describe, but pretty difcult to actually make a reality. Nothing is impossible though, and Ive outdone myself before, so Im sure I could do it again. I want to release a new album next year. I want it to be like Ive described earlier. Electronic with classical inuence. I want complex musical themes and mostly thru-composed. I want to create something that has pop sensibilities but could never be played on the radio due to length and variety. I want someone to listen to it and be totally amazed and engrossed. My goal would be to release it for the holidays next year. My other goal is to write and produced a new musical. This would involved starting my own production company and Im considering and looking into making it a nonprot arts organization. Id like to either 1) pay my actors and everyone involved or 2) raise the money for a great local organization. I could do either, really, or even both, perhaps! I could give the actors a cut of the door and whatever is left after the bills are paid would go to Gay City Health or something. Something to think about! My last goal for 2012, other than graduating with my rst masters degree, is to actually nd a frickin job. Ive gotta nd work before this summer or Im just not going to feel right about myself! Plus, Im sure my boyfriend is sick of living with me after having not worked a real job since May of 2010. Two years is too long to go without making real money, especially at my age! Im all about being a late bloomer with some things, but this is really totally ridiculous. Im so much smarter than being an unemployed student for life. I need to get my street smarts back together and nd something that will work for me. Other than all of the above, I think the best thing I can do is try to keep 2012 simple. 2011 has been really stressful, complex and full of drastic changes. Its been poor and struggling. Dont get me wrong - its also been really fabulous too. But I think next year could be even better with a perspective of simplicity. Alright, before my head explodes, Im going to call it a day and end my entry. So just to review, for 2012, I want to quit smoking, work out, learn to cook
John Paul Sharp
and lose weight. I also want to produce a new masterpiece of an album and write and produce a new musical under my new, possibly nonprot, arts production company - and get a job. Sounds simple enough, right? ... right? Ha! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Seven: So Proud of Myselfs

Its pretty amazing what you can accomplish in thirty days. I might be a little ahead of myself, as I havent completely nished my fty-thousand-word goal for NaNoWriMo just yet (I have a little over six thousand words to go), but I feel pretty condent that Ill be able to get this done. Im very proud of myself as this will be the rst time, in the four years Ive attempted this, that I will have come so close to accomplishing my goal. I denitely plan on following through, though it wont be easy because I am just entering tech-week for my rst show in December. This has been a pretty amazing season for me and I did not realize I would be attempting so much. From September to December, Ill have acted in three shows, playing seven different roles. Ill have participated and hopefully got As in 9 credits worth of masters level college. In fact, Ive pretty much just gotten over the hump of the hardest part of my M.A. degree. The last two semesters are going to be much easier compared to what Ive done this semester. The hardest, perhaps most confusing part will be the COMPS, or the portfolio which will demonstrate my competencies. Im not gonna lie - its been a little frustrating in this degree about whats expected of me. Im still not sure what my competencies are or how Ill show that I have achieved them, but I can say that I have a 4.0, so it shouldnt be that hard, right? I mean, how can I have not achieved competencies and gotten straight As? ... right? I was originally going to try and get this degree nished by Spring of next year. But, since I dont have a job and any other source of income, Ive decided to spread it out over two semester and will try to graduate by one year from now. That means a measly six credit hours per semester, so I should have the extra time to make my portfolio perfect and possibly work on other projects too, like the album and a new musical production. Or, I could keep acting in shows. I dont know about that though. Im not sure I want to keep acting in shows that Im not getting paid for. Dont get me wrong - its totally fullling and I get a satisfaction out of the entire process. But, it can be rather time consuming and exhausting. Ive felt rather stretched over the last three months and yet Im not nding a way to bring in any income. This current show that Im in - the one where were starting tech-week - is particularly exhausting. Its a great experience for me as I believe it is a real actors play. I mean, if you look at my script, there are so many notes that you can barely read the original lines. There is heavy blocking and there are tons of things the director has asked me to think about during the course of the script. While Im glad that Im being challenged in a way that a director has not
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challenged me before, I cant help feeling mentally drained from the process. Ill be really glad when two weeks have passed and Ill have nished performing this show. The other thing that is slightly draining is the slight discomfort I feel acting as a straight man in a relationship-heavy show. The entire fty or so minutes that Im on stage, Im interacting with a woman. There are several moments when we are close and she is trying to seduce me or vice-versa. During the same show, Im also trying to break up with the girl. Its awkward for me, but not impossible. Its just a little tiring after awhile. Emotionally, there are several places I have to nd transitions to during the play. There are times when Im indignant, times when Im overly dramatic, times when Im upset, etc. Also, there are times when Im playing a ctional character that my character hides behind and times when the real face of my character is revealed and I go in and out of those faces. Its exhausting, I tell you! Im sure that when its time to actually perform the show in front of audiences, it will be a great experience. Its just all the rehearsing up to that point that is hard to get through. Its all that mental and emotional work that makes me nearly, but not completely, dread every rehearsal this week until the performances. Im denitely looking forward to the end of December. I have no shows, no school, no job, no nothing for about a month. I pretty much plan to use that time to relax, sleep, maybe develop an exercise routine and play the shit out of Skyrim. My big goal is to get all the achievements for that game. Ha! My life-long friend that Ive known since I was four years old, Jeffrey Bennett, will be coming to town the second week of January. Hes going to check out Antioch Universitys open house and also get to know the city a bit as he hopes to move here sometime next summer or fall. I think it will be a lot of fun having him around and Ive come to miss my old friends from Denver and Wichita. It will be really nice. Im not sure what to show him. I should probably start planning that next week. I want to be able to take him to some fun events that show the best parts of living in Seattle. Ill denitely have to take him on the Underground Tours since were both students, I think we can get discounts. The underground tour is fun and funny and a neat way to hear about interesting history from this city. I think it would be cool to nd an interesting band that Jeff would like and maybe see if we can catch them while hes in town. Theres always people playing music in this town, so Im sure we could nd something cool that hed like. Also, theres probably some kind of cool theatre thing to take him to. Ill probably have him come with me to Writers and Actors Reading and Performing
John Paul Sharp
on the Tuesday night that hes here. I dont know if hell love it, but hell probably have a good time. I hope he does move to Seattle to get his masters degree. It will be nice to have a family friend living in the same city. I miss having Paul around too, but Im not sure well ever live in the same city again - if we do, I think itll probably be a good ten years from now. Maybe if Jeff gets involved with the Art Therapy program, it will be all the inspiration I need to get involved in Drama Therapy. Either way, I think hell like this city because hes got the kind of personality for it. You know, hes that kind of guy who can be life of the party, but hes also very internalized and can easily fall into the abyss of his own thoughts. All this wet, rainy weather in Seattle would be just the kind of thing for him. That, or hell end up committing suicide. Ha! Not really though, I think Seattles wet weather is much easier to live with than Portlands. Now Portland in January just seems so musty and mossy and well, kind of depressing! Seattles weather is different somehow, more open. It has a metropolitan feeling that makes me feel a little more alive. I love it. (Of course, talk to me in ve years and ask me how much I love it! Ha!) But even if he does decide to not move here, Ill be okay too. Heck, he might decide that California is where he wants to be. After all, thats where his sister now lives. I have to admit that Ive also considered moving down there, after several years of experiencing Seattle for all it has to offer. Im the type of guy who doesnt want to live in the same city for thirty years. I like the fact that Ive lived in a total of four major cities in my life. I feel like Im more well-rounded and cultural than other folks who dont get to experience pockets of America like I have. I have to admit my friend Paul is much braver than I for having moved to Atlanta. I think hes really getting a unique perspective of American society living in the south like he is. I thought about moving there - really, I truly considered it! But I just dont know if I would be happy there like he is. Im not sure that there would be opportunities for me in Atlanta, but then again, Im not even sure what kind of opportunities Ive had here in Seattle either. One things for sure, Ive gotten lots of opportunities to act! I think the south is just too scary for me. As far as I know, they still hold old misogynist values and that just doesnt bode well for someone like me. It usually means the more manly men get the jobs and Im left to stay a waitress or maitrede or some subservient, serving role. I think for Paul, its probably easier, cause hes tall and most of the time people cant tell hes gay. The world is just different for me, cause people can tell Im gay before I even say anything.
John Paul Sharp
We all have our different struggles. Im sure its not easy having to pick a time to come out to coworkers and friends. Im not sure as Ive not had to deal with that in my life. My sexual orientation has always been assumed by everyone, so coming out is not something I really do. If anything, I conrm what people already suspect - but its not even really like that either. People just know. Come to think of it, life is probably easier for me because I dont have to have those awkward moments where someone discovers theyve hired a fag. In my case, someone has to be pretty dense not to know. Anyway, I better close this entry before it turns into any more directions. Geeze Louise, I just dont know how to write three pages about a single thing anymore. I guess it goes to show that writing in a focused way becomes very difcult when you do it every day or every other day. Not easy at all! BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Eight: The End of the World

One of the more exciting things about 2012 is that well get to see if all the end-of-the-world nonsense that has sprung up over the last several years will come true. You know, the Mayan Calendar and other supposed prophecies that the History Channel is all too excited to present to us in hour special after hour special. Could be global warming that does it. Could be the solar storms that come from the sun. I hear were supposed to be getting much more solar action next year and it could disrupt communication satellites and other technological functions that our society has come to depend on. I hear we could lose all our electricity if those satellites go down, though Im not sure how or why. I know sure as shit if we lose electricity and people cant watch tv or cellphones, our world is gonna crumble real fast. Ive always been jealous of those crazy rich people who have bunkers and systems set up just in case society falls apart. I wish my boyfriend and I had something like that going on. I know Id sure feel a lot more secure. I have no idea what we would do if society fell. Wed probably have to leave the city and go toward the country. Of course, since Ive moved myself 1,300 miles away from friends and family in the midwest, Lector and I would just be stuck with ourselves. Wed probably just have to let our cats out of the apartment and wish them the best - how sad! I cant even think of doing something like that, but how could we seriously take care of two cats and try to forage for food and stuff? We dont have leashes for them and they wouldnt even function well with them anyway; and theres no way we could possibly carry two kitty-carriers and try to nd a new way of life and try to protect ourselves from crazy killers. Also, Im not sure how wed nd any space to just live anyway. Most of the country would probably be protected by gun-carrying farmers who wouldnt let us stay there. Wed have to make our own type of shelter and end up dying in the cold, wet rain. Really, the more I think about it, we should hope that whatever cataclysmic event takes place will just wipe us out. Im not sure wed really want to be on the surviving end of that stick anyway. Cause when shit goes down and stuff effs up, peoples animalistic and cruel sides tend to come out. It happened all over the world during World War II. Them Japanese and German folks experimenting on people in all kinds of sick ways. Then when Hurricane Katrina came, all hell broke loose for those poor folks in the South, with people dying and no one able to do anything about it. Just terrible!
John Paul Sharp
If we had any real warning of the end of the world, like if we knew the atmosphere would be vulnerable and dissipate for a number of days - I think Id be one of the rst ones to grab my husband and grab my cats, set down a few lawn chairs and let ourselves fry up. In some ways, thats like having real control over the disaster. In some ways, its saying, Yes, youre going to make life miserable for us, but not if we let you kill us. Sneaky, sneaky, eh? Though, I would have to say that dying would be the less interesting way to go about it. You never know, we could survive and I might nally understand my purpose and value in society as a food-gatherer or, perhaps, better yet, a bard. I could go around singing songs and people would feed us. That kind of life has a bit of a simplistic appeal, really. I wouldnt mind it so much, assuming that we werent all terribly disgured by radiation or something. Ive watched my fair share of Survivor on CBS. It doesnt seem all that hard to stick around, especially if were around water. I think, if anything, wed want to travel south, so we could put ourselves in a more temperate climate. Even San Francisco would be far too cold. San Diego would be best, I think. We could make some shelter and then go out in the water every day and kill and eat sh - that is, if the water hasnt become spoiled by radiation or masspollution or whatever - and we could live out our last days in peace. I wouldnt mind that, I guess. Some folks say that its not the end of the world that were going to be facing next year. They say its the end of the world as we know it - meaning that well all be experiencing a huge shift in our consciousness. Perhaps it will be the evolution of our global consciousness, where we all become somehow psychically attuned to a mother brain of some kind. That could be a very good thing, if you think about it. Or maybe well discover another planet Earth out there that were able to communicate with to some degree. I bet that would really change the way we all perceive our lives and the meaning of our existence. We might just stop trying to kill each other in favor of trying to look like more civilized beings to this other planet. You never know, we might just be shamed if we were to interact with a different Earth that was more peaceful than us. More likely, I think what will happen is that well all run out of resources and money wont have the same power as it has. Those who have been powerhungry and greedy for money will suddenly lose the hold thats over them and well all have to look within ourselves to remember whats really important: food, water, shelter, friends and family. We may lose the internet and mass-media. We may look back on the idea of a global community and laugh, knowing it is all very much water under the bridge now.
John Paul Sharp
Ive always wondered what life would be like without electricity. Very difcult in many ways, I suppose. After all, electricity helps us do most of what we now do in todays world. I bet the silence is golden, though. Ive probably said this before, but Ive always thought that people who lived in earlier days without electricity probably were more attuned to spirits, if spirits do indeed exist. Im sure when life is so quiet, you are able to hear more and get yourself into your surrounding space better. With all the electricity around us all the time, its impossible to really be in silence. Even in remote parts of the world where it is very quiet, there are still technically satellites and space just oating up above. Our planet is pretty loud these days and Im not sure theres a real way to escape it other than leaving the atmosphere completely. But, really, I am kinda glad I live in todays world. I mean, if I were around a hundred years ago, Id probably be a recluse or end up married to someone who hated me. Id have to pretend to be straight or become a priest or something. Gay rights? Gay people technically didnt exist in conversations and community gatherings. They were tarred and feathered and hung with the witches. At least today, we have a shot at a happy existence. And I like having T.V. and the Internet. Sometimes, I think our lives would be better without them, but for the most part, our lives are tremendously better because of technology. Im not sure were all supposed to be living until were 100 - as Im not totally convinced that the planet was made for that kind of thing but Im mostly glad Im alive in todays world. Im not sure Id want to be alive like a hundred years from now or even two hundred years from now. For some reason, I think life in future times are gonna get real crowded. I wonder how many civil rights are going to go down the toilet just for the fact that there will probably be less space and less resources for everyone to share. I think freedom only exists as much as reality can supply it and if theres not enough room to move around or enough food to keep our bellies full, freedoms must be sacriced in order for there to be a maximum amount of happiness for all involved. I wonder if were starting to experience some of that now. Well, not we, the American people, but maybe some of the folks in India or China, who are now dealing with overpopulation? This all makes me think of something that Deepak Chopra said shortly after 9/11. It was something to the effect of, The best way for the world to heal itself is for each of us to look within, individually and as each of us evolve within ourselves, the world then evolves as well. Theres a good reason why this guy has sold so many books. Hes a pretty spiritually smart kinda guy. I think it is true though. Imagine if we all took the responsibility to make our individual lives for the better. Would it not be possible that the people of this world make some type
John Paul Sharp
of shift of consciousness into a world that is not full of fear but a world that is full of love and wonder? This will be my hope for 2012. I will try to work on making my life better so that I can be a better person for my community. I think its RuPaul who says it best: If you cant love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen? BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Twenty-Nine: My Obituary

John Paul Sharp was a talented performing and recording artist who lived all over the United States. He was loved by many, some of whom he never got to know. He grew up in a small city called Wichita, Kansas, where people did not understand his air or his feminine wiles and playfulness. His rst eighteen years were spent in that windy city, surrounded by beautifully at plains and a heavy, oppressive thickness in the air. The people of Wichita preferred simplicity and John Paul Sharp could be a lot of things, but simple was not one of them. As a child, he learned how to play the piano, write music, act on stage and sing in the city-wide honors choir. He acted out quite a bit and mostly it was because he was just looking for attention and love from anyone who was willing to give it to him. He was the victim of a divorce between his parents. Being the offspring of a woman who grew up on a farm in Nebraska and a gay man who never quite came out from under his own oppressive town in Iowa, a divorce was in the cards no matter if this boy was born or not. However, the word victim is probably not the most accurate as the divorce was sort of a saving grace for this kid. If his parents had never divorced, life could have been much worse - far, far worse, really. For when two people are not really supposed to be married and living together, the best thing that can be done for the children involved is to separate. Staying together keeps the drama toxic and the last thing children need is toxic drama from their parents. His mother did the best she could under the circumstances. She found her own sense of peace in the professional work she was involved in and she basically dove right in, head rst. This meant that John Paul Sharp and his sister had plenty of time to get into their own adventures and there were some days and nights spent at the house alone, left to their own bidding. Brother and sister fought. They fought a lot, really, but deep down inside, they truly loved each other and were only trying to cope with life the best way they knew how. In some ways, though probably misguided, John Paul Sharps sister tried to protect him. For when he turned twelve and she was fourteen, she demanded that he learned how to smoke cigarettes because he needed to be tough and cool by the time he got into high school; tough and cool like she was. Sometimes shed take him around when she was a teenager so he could see what being cool was all about. One time, she and her friends were drinking vodka in their plaid annel shirts and driving around the northwest part of town while listening to bands like Pearl Jam and Judas Priest. That day, she was going to beat some girls ass and she did. John Paul Sharp thought she was pretty cool,
John Paul Sharp
but he knew hed never be tough like that. Cool, maybe, but not in a position to beat anyones ass. The public school system of Wichita, Kansas did not really know how to handle him. He was shipped from one to school to the next and put into one program after another. He was labelled lots of different things: smart, stupid, weird, etc. While this worked out for him up past the third grade, things got pretty tough socially thereafter. Because John Paul Sharp never really had a father gure, he looked for fathers in the men he was romantically involved with from the time he turned fourteen. This led to many tragic, traumatic events in his life and it wasnt until his late twenties that he found a way to move past it. Drugs were a big part of his life from his teens to late 20s as well, for it wasnt until he reached his early thirties that he learned how to be completely sober every single day. This wasnt easy and it didnt come quickly. In fact, the decade of his twenties were a slow process of removing addicted behavior out of his life. His meth and sex abuse in the late 90s and early 00s were probably the most extreme form of addictive behavior. After transferring his addiction to marijuana for several years, he nally was able to stop needing anything to make him feel normal by the time he turned 32 years old. There were many redeeming moments from his twenties. It almost seemed like he was making up for all the lost time he spent in his youth, being scattered and without focus for so long. When he moved to Denver at age 23, he really began to accomplish dreams by eventually getting a degree in Vocal Performance at the University of Colorado Denver and writing and recording several hundred songs in the space of seven years. He ended up graduating at age 29, summa cum laude, placing 4th in a class of 90 some people. The only Bs he got was 1) in a stupid Audio Production class taught by some stupid self-righteous professor who didnt even stick around for more than a year, and 2) in a stupid Natural Hazards class taught by some stupid professor who thought he was comedian and didnt let any of his students know what their grades were in anything until after the semester was over. John Paul Sharp suspected this last professor handed out grades based on who laughed at his jokes and JP was not one to laugh at something unless it was truly funny. The only A- he ever got was one he truly deserved in a class taught by an amazing professor with eyes that went into two different directions. It was a philosophy course on ethics and morality. He worked extremely hard and struggled like hell and an A- was the best he could do. He was always proud of that A- and was grateful to have achieved it. Unfortunately, these experiences are what kept John Paul Sharp from ranking as 1 out of 90.
John Paul Sharp
He did get an award though - Outstanding Graduate from the College of Arts & Media. And this was probably due to the extracurricular work that he was involved in. For his junior year recital, the folks at the King Center Performance Building had to create new rules after his performance - one of them was mainly that glitter would not be allowed in any performances. I guess they had a lot of trouble getting glitter out of the carpet after several students were instructed by John Paul Sharp to throw them at the audience during a particular song. That year, Sharp had a line of people asking for autographs to be signed on their CDs and Song Books that he had published and given out for free. By his senior year, John Paul Sharp decided that he would write and produce an original musical that was a self-referential and slightly cathartic work. After enlisting all the people he truly believed in at the time, he ended up selling out three nights and raising over a thousand dollars for MaxFunds No-Kill Animal Shelter. This is the kind of stuff that earns an Outstanding Graduate award. But it does not lead to riches or wealth. Other opportunities were afforded to him while he stayed in Denver for the next two years. He went on to act in other productions and collaborated with other playwrights to produce two other original musical productions: one a sci- slam poetry musical and the other a modern adaptation of The Velveteen Rabbit. Thanks to the Dean of his university, as well as his good friend LeighAnn Gould, he was also able to compose music for short lms. All these experiences were truly wonderful and a blessing, but the longer John Paul Sharp participated in them, the less money he was earning in other ways and eventually, he felt stied and unsure of what to do next. Out of complete fear for what he had been doing, he decided that getting a masters degree was his ticket out of insecurity. He got right back in with the University of Colorado Denver as an Educational Psychology student. This, in combination with a few terrible experiences in attempting to compose music for a nonprot organization, which shall remain nameless, that had no respect for John Paul Sharps time or effort, nally drove him to leave the state. Actually, it was the support of two of his former classmates, who chose John Paul Sharp as their subject for their Music Marketing class - that decided his best move was to go somewhere else with more of an international community - that really triggered him to make the move. And the move was a good thing. For one, he was able to stop smoking marijuana every day because he no longer could walk into a dispensary and buy any. His access became rather limited in Seattle and after dealing with one stupid and childlike drug dealer, he nally decided that enough was enough. Besides, he was tired of depending on other people and a stupid drug to make him feel content. And it was not like he really felt content anyway. He was starting to feel
John Paul Sharp
like a complete loser, living off school loans and unemployment. Who can enjoy marijuana anyway, when they really cant afford it? No, he decided enough was enough. So he got completely sober and things started improving. Mostly, what he noticed was his ability to memorize lines improved drastically. He found himself able to memorize large amounts of text in a matter of weeks! This, in combination with his impeccable work ethic and punctuality, was what really made him shine as a professional performer. And so, he continued to perform in one show after another and found himself getting cast left and right. He continued to work on his masters degree and was astounded to learn that he could actually nd work - the kind of work that would allow him to continue to develop his craft as a writer and performer. He would go on to write more musicals and more music albums. He even went on to write a few novels as well! All it took for him to become a real writer was to keep participating in the National Novel Writing Month until he eventually passed the fty thousand word goal on his fourth attempt. He ended up writing an autobiography, a sci- fantasy novel and several series of horror paperbacks. And John Paul Sharp said he always owed his success to the love and acceptance he found from his husband, Lector Morales. Who knew on that fateful Christmas evening of 2009 that the two would end up living together for the rest of their lives? Only God, I suppose. It was so unfortunate when he passed that thousands of people all over the world mourned his death. He died in his sixties, rich and content with all the work hed done in his life. He was always said he did everything in the name of his sister, who passed far too early in her own life. Everything he did he did for all the years that she no longer could. For every minute that his sister could not cherish her life, he cherished his twice as much. As everyone knows, he died from being struck by lightening. Thankfully, his death was quick and painless and he probably didnt even realize what had happened until his spirit saw himself from above, at the cemetery. When he passed, he was visited by his sister and all the cats he took care of over the years. His sister thanked him for embracing his own life so much and she let him know how much she appreciated his love. She only wished that she could have stuck around longer to be physically present for all his wonderful milestones and achievements and even the other moments of quiet content and peacefulness. She was sorry for not being able to be there for all of it. John Paul Sharp had a few regrets, which we were able to nd out after reading an ominous note left in his now famous writing desk at his estate in the South of France. It reads as follows.
John Paul Sharp
If I were to die, like say, from being struck by lightening, or something, Id want people to know that I felt every moment of my life and embraced every day as though it were my last. I did not, however, live every day as though it were my last. I lived every day as though I wanted it to be a better place for future generations. I lived like I thought my grandchildren, had I ever had them, would have wanted. I regret not getting to know my father more. I think we would have had a lot of fun if circumstances had been different. I regret not spending more time with my mother too. I only wish that I could have taken care of her as much or better than she took care of me - for if she hadnt have been around, I wouldnt have had any kind of parent growing up. Even if she was gone much of the time, she was there more than anyone else and she fed me and paid to have my teeth xed and tried to make sure there was food in the house most of the time. I regret not spending more time with my sister before she died. I should have called her every week. I should have gone to visit her more often. I didnt do any of those things. I just lived my own self-absorbed life until she was gone. Because of her death, I began to see my own life with a much wider perspective and for that, Im eternally grateful. I just wish she didnt have to die for me to learn how to appreciate my own life in the way it should be appreciated. I regret not being a better man for my man. So many times, he spent his hours and days supporting what I wanted to do with my life. I should have been a better supporter of the things he wanted to do in his life. So much of the time, it was about me making the decision to move to a new city and me making the decision to take risks. I think I should have found better ways to let him lead towards directions in our lives. But really, I dont regret too much. Im glad things went down the way they did. Im glad I found the man of my life when I did. Im glad I struggled with addiction because I eventually learned how to appreciate just being clear and sober. I learned how to be alive and sober - which some people never quite manage to do. Im glad my parents got divorced because it made me such a great performer. Im glad that the citizens of Wichita, Kansas treated me like a sinner bound for hell because it gave me so much motivation to experience the rest of the world on my own terms. Im glad that everything worked out the way it did because I would not be the person I am today. I wouldnt have written so much music and sang so many songs. I wouldnt have auditioned for so many plays and I wouldnt have tried so hard to act well in them. I would have just been some anonymous person who no one remembers and no one cares about. I wouldnt have touched any lives.
John Paul Sharp
And so, we now say goodbye to John Paul Sharp, feeling sad, but also happy that he was able to make this world a better place after having been here. Now the world has over thirty albums of his music, ten wonderful musicals and several handfuls of novels to read over and over again. He really put his mark on the world and for that, were all grateful and will remember him as the years continue to move on and pass us all by. In his passing, were left to wonder what we can do to make our own marks on this world. We may not all be writers or singers or performers, but were people. His passing makes us think about what type of meaning we have if we never affect the people around us. Is it not true that other people are what makes us real? What can we do, as individuals, to make sure that our presence is known through other people? Is it a major event or is it the smallest, simplest things in our every day lives that will make others remember us after were gone? Perhaps its a smile, or a thank you or the act of reaching your hand out to help someone who might have tripped and fallen or perhaps looks lost and cant nd their way? Is it those moments when a homeless person asks us for a cigarette or loose change? After all, when we die, will those trivial things mean as much as they did when we had the opportunity to give them away? Sometimes people say that death is depressing, but if you think about it the right way, death can absolutely, positively be an inspiring, life-changing and life-improving subject. What do you want people to remember about you after youve gone? BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Day Thirty: Silence is Golden

Sometimes no thoughts are better than having any type of thought at all.
BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS
John Paul Sharp
Notes on the Author

John Paul Sharp is a writer, songwriter, singer, actor and performer currently living in Seattle. He has lived in four major cities during his lifetime: Wichita, Kansas / San Francisco, California / Denver, Colorado / Seattle, Washington. He earned a Bachelor of Science Degree from the University of Colorado Denver with highest honors in 2009. He is due to complete his Masters Degree in eLearning Implementation and Design at the same university under the Information and Learning Technologies program at the School of Education and Human Development. You can learn more about what he is up to by checking his Facebook or Google+ page, or simply going to his website at http:// www.johnpaulsharp.com. When hes not busy doing a bunch of things all at once, or playing Skyrim on the PS3, he is spending quality time with his husband and two cats.

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Thirty Days and Thirty Thoughts

John Paul Sharp