Ashe 1 David Ashe Michelle Johnson English 1A 12/7/2009 Essay #4 Through Trials and Tribulations Marriages are made,

not in heaven, but by wonderful human beings who hope for the best but who often do very little to make this challenging and complicated relationship work. From the very first couple and their differing viewpoint over the apple to modern times, men and women have always disagreed. Both genders are born with inherently different traits, and although humankind will never see eye-to-eye with the opposite, they still are attracted to them, perhaps for that very reason. Unfortunately, this also means there will be unavoidable conflict in the union between a man and a woman. Womans inherent sexuality and the grossly dissimilar sexuality of her mate is one of the primary conflicts in marriage. They also find diversity in their views on sex, communication, emotional expression, and nearly every other aspect in their lives. To keep this relationship alive the couple must learn and implement certain key factors, effective communication, conflict resolution, adjustment, compromise and a healthy sexual relationship with EACH OTHER! Sex has made marriages and broken them. While in an interview Tammy McCloskey said, Great relationships do not always translate into wonderful sex! While many couples love each other deeply, they still do not have a fulfilling sexual relationship. Havelock Ellis wrote in The New Spirit, "The omnipresent process of sex, ever wonderful, ever lovely, as it is woven into the whole texture of our mans or womans body - is the pattern of all the process of our life"

Ashe 2 (129). This leads us to believe our sexuality is the core of ourselves. Unfortunately, there are so many emotional variants between men and women that conflicts in the bedroom will simply be unavoidable. Adam and Eve are the only ones who have ever had the freedom of entering into marriage and lovemaking without preconceived ideas, hang-ups, or inhibitions. Men and women each hold different viewpoints toward the act of sex. In talking with many women from Sierra College, it was determined that for most women to experience a truly satisfying sexual encounter, they need to have an emotional connection with their partner whereas men tend to avoid deep emotional bonding. Men can be perfectly happy with just superficial love; it is not to say that all men stop there. Janet McCloskey, loving wife and companion to Don McCloskey for twenty-five years said, I feel affection is the cement of my relationship with my husband. and I married a man that cared about me, and I want him to express his care as often as possible. Without that expression of care she feels divided from him, but with it she becomes forever bonded. Learning the stance of each others sexual needs/desires will greatly increase the couples ability to deal with the sexual conflicts that will certainly arise in the future. Fear of failure, rejection and the belief that something is wrong infiltrates many sexual experiences. Many studies show that most couples who complain of sexual problems are experiencing a deeper marital problems. Letting go of assumptions, most of which come from books, movies, fantasies, and childhood fairytales, and sharing desires and fears with their companion, their individual sexuality can and will become more fully and freely expressed. Communication is the biggest factor in having a successful marriage, without it the couple might as well just throw in the towel (Keith Standish). Communicating feelings and desires is the key to sexual contentment (Kristie Standish). Conversation in the state of intimacy should be respectful and non-judgmental. Partners, who share mistakes and failures alike, will

Ashe 3 result in a closer bond of friendship and trust. They learn to be closer not only through the success of their mate but also in recognizing the vulnerable humanity from their failures. Couples can learn to convey the unfathomable love for each other and gratitude for the mutual care of one another. By lowering their defensive walls and forming a close emotional bond by communicating, a couple can feel greater pleasure when meeting each others every need. This is the way marriage was designed to be. Just as men find sex enjoyable in its own right, most women enjoy conversation simply because they like to converse. While men also have a need for communication, this need is usually greater in women. This difference is often a foundation of great frustration. Communication is one of the glues of marriage and is extremely important in all areas of life, but in the intimate state of marriage it is vital. One reply to a blog posted on the social networking site, Facebook, stated, I believe one of the biggest problems is as we hear people speak, whether in marriage or outside of marriage, we are already developing our answers before the other person is finished talking. Many married individuals would agree that they would like to discuss their problems with their spouse but are unable to communicate successfully. This could be caused by a lack of communication skills. Glen Coppedge, twelfth grade English teacher at Woodcreek High School, informs us through personal research that, The average adult may have only attended one class on effective communication skills in their lifetime. With the help of an unbiased party, such as a marriage counselor, a husband and wife may be able to initiate discussion about their marital problems. Several roadblocks inhibiting the channel of communication from opening may be a mutual or singular unwillingness to compromise in resolving conflict, or the inability to share personnel thoughts. Some individuals may honestly be ashamed or embarrassed to discuss certain topics that plague their relationship, such as sex.

Ashe 4 Others may be afraid that blunt, open discussion could hurt their partners feelings. The greatest roadblock in a relationship is the failure to admit that serious problems exist. This practice of repressing emotions will only come back to haunt the couple later in their relationship. There is nothing wrong with conflicts, provided that they are used constructively and to improve and strengthen the relationship. By the time individuals have reached adulthood, they have developed their own clear pictures of what it means to be a man or a woman as defined by their society. These images have important effects on their behavior. Our culture insists that compliance and dependency are the core to womanliness while aggressiveness and independence are the central features of manliness. Humanity contends that mankind must conform to these standards, or be perceived as outcasts. In fact, society almost forces men to be the stronger partner, the breadwinner. A man fears expressing feelings to his spouse because it makes him look and feel vulnerable. Essentially becoming weak in her eyes. She, of course, wants nothing more than to share all her most sacred thoughts and dreams. Perhaps another reason men find it harder to display acts of emotion results from societys disapproval of soft men. It is accepted and outwardly encouraged for a woman to candidly display emotion. From childhood, little boys were trained to "stop crying like a girl" whereas little girls were coddled. These two varying psychological profiles set a precedent from childhood as to how men and women should display emotion. Realizing men and women are emotionally polar opposites is half the battle. Emotions are the mold of a persons experiences and expectations. They cannot always be matched, but they can be looked at carefully and compassionately for clues that will help a person better love and understand their spouse. A marriage, which is supposed to be until death do us part is filled with endless conflict. Marriage thrives in an environment of perfect honesty and openness. Mankind gets along by

Ashe 5 sharing feelings, fighting with, and then forgiving one another. Failure to meet these standards will cause a breakdown in the core matrimonial relationship. If a couple does not share their feelings the root of the problem will never be exposed. This is the where good communication skills, through education, come into play. Those spouses that claim they never fight are probably not sharing their true feelings with their partner. If they had, in most cases, a fight would have resulted, especially if both partners feel differently about the same issue. Luckily, fighting can also lead to forgiveness; thus, can make a marriage well again. Forgiveness can be extraordinarily difficult, but not impossible, and it is crucial to the success of any relationship. An old African proverb states, "He who forgives ends the quarrel." If couples choose to forgive they must also forget. To forget is crucial in maintaining trust in the relationship. Only then can the couple move forward, letting that water flow under and beyond the bridge. Only by working together, practicing compassion, and a lifetime commitment to overcoming conflict will two individuals flourish in their marriage. Some conflicts are inevitable in marriage because no two persons have exactly the same values, attitudes or personality. Our cultural training leaves most of us drastically unprepared to deal well with conflict. Marriage does not have to be a battleground; couples must learn to deal with these differences using patience, wisdom, understanding, and love, and a beautiful relationship will evolve. When I got married the first time, my mother instructed me to give my husband everything he desired. Supposedly, in doing so we were to always be happy, which I later found out to be not true.. While that may have worked for her, I have found mutual collaboration in overcoming a marital quarrel brings a satisfaction almost chemical in intensity (T. McCloskey). It comes down to commitment, loyalty, dedication, and devotion. A marriage is a pledge of faith that we love adequately enough to go into the future, with the confidence that

Ashe 6 the other person is our lifelong devotion. Commitment to each other is "forever and a day" and that is the basis on which a marriage should be.

Ashe 7 Works Cited Coppedge, Glen. Personal Interview. 8 Dec. 2009. Ellis, Havelock. The New Sprit. London: George Bell and Sons, 1890. Print. McCloskey, Janet. Personal Interview. 1 Dec. 2009. McCloskey, Tammy. Personal Interview. 6 Dec. 2009. Standish, Keith. Personal Interview. 8 Dec. 2009. Standish, Kristie. Personal Interview. 8 Dec. 2009.

Ashe 8 Works Consulted Bancroft, John. Human Sexuality and Its Problems. 3rd Ed. New York: Elsevier Health Sciences, 2009. Print. Mace, David R. Success in Marriage. New York: Abingdon, 1958. Print. Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage. New York: Henry Holt, 1997. Print.

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Highlighted Copies of Cited Works

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