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"Your minds will be blown. You'll never suspect some of these mash-ups," says band's publicist. The Hood Internet will be "mashing up" Kenyon's Sendoff this May. The duo has spent hours on the school's website, learning the insand-outs of the campus.
"Your minds will be blown. You'll never suspect some of these mash-ups," says band's publicist. The Hood Internet will be "mashing up" Kenyon's Sendoff this May. The duo has spent hours on the school's website, learning the insand-outs of the campus.
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"Your minds will be blown. You'll never suspect some of these mash-ups," says band's publicist. The Hood Internet will be "mashing up" Kenyon's Sendoff this May. The duo has spent hours on the school's website, learning the insand-outs of the campus.
Copyright:
Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
Verfügbare Formate
Als PDF, TXT herunterladen oder online auf Scribd lesen
Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol.
2, Issue 11 March 3, 2010
White Guys Finally Headlining Sendoff By Ed Strictly GUND COMPUTER LAB The Hood Internet, a Chicago-based duo who specialize in the blending of hip-hop and indie rock songs, released a statement on their web- site that they will be mashing up Kenyons Sendoff this May. The team, who has produced such cuts as All My Scrubs (TLC vs. Led Zeppelin) and Fire it Up, Fire- mouse (Lil Wayne vs. Modest Mouse), has been researching Ke- nyon extensively in order to gener- ate pertinent and charming tributes to the school. Lets just say that these tracks will shake the gravel on Center Path, said the bands publicist, Kyle Lemieux. Your minds will be blown. Youll never suspect some of these mash-ups, kids. Youll be running around in disbe- lief, all over John Crowe Ransom Lawn. According to Lemieux, the duo has spent hours on Kenyons web- site, learning the ins-and-outs of the campus. They wanted to re- ally know this place inside-out, he said. They read everything they could get their hands on: Fortnight- ly, Per- simmons, even the daily Peirce menu. Lemieux refused to re- lease any of the songs names, but he did divulge some of the uncho- sen Peirce-themed tracks: Burger BlowOutdoors Club (Comfort Sta- tion vs. Backpacks!), Tuna Sur- prises at Infnity (AVI vs. Math!), and Great Hall & Oates (The Great Hall in Peirce vs. Pop-rock- ers Hall & Oates!). The crux of their set, however, will be Sendoff-themed mash-ups, including Paradise Lost My K- Card on the Lunar Bounce (Lentz vs. Allstu), and Tripping Face- Paint Booth (Ecstasy vs. Student Council). When asked what these mash- ups would consist of, and how the songs themselves would per- tain to Kenyon, Lemieux seemed confused: Theyll just be hip-hop songs mashed-up with indie rock songs. When pressed further as to how the content of the songs themselves would correspond to the fattering pun-flled titles, and whether the songs would include sound-bites from the campus it- self, or perhaps audio clips from Kokosingers or Peelers, Lemieux checked his watch, said, theyre just gonna play two unlikely songs at the same time, and x-ed out of our Skype chat. By Sgt. Clap Stormison DANTOOINE The Collegiate is happy to announce that RJD2, fresh from his tour of a galaxy far, far away, will appear at Earths Ke- nyon College for Summer Sendoff. RJD2 has been on the space road since releasing his latest album The Colossus (a reference, of course, to the Imperial-class Star Destroyer Colossus that led the at- tack on D`rinba IV). Performances on his chassiss built-in internal turntables which he never used in the original trilogy, for some stupid reason have earned him great success, as The Colossus went double-transparisteel in De- cember. R-J says the chances of all-night partying and having a most excel- lent time are 725 to 1! intoned hy- peman C3PO before a recent RJD2 performance at the Tatooine House of Blues. Although, he has been known to make mistakes . . . from time to time. Fuck YEAH! To the roar of beeping and buzzing fans, RJD2 rolled onstage and began his intense, hour-long musical show- down between machine and also machine: RJD2 vs. his equipment. RJD2, the droid, freedom fghter, and all-around intergalactic mega- star, won, and the robotic crowd went as wild as their limited robot bodies allowed. D2s entourage also has plans for the day. Chewbacca is slated to take on the entire Kenyon College rugby team and wrooararoaoroa them to pieces, while Luke Sky- walker is expected to wow stu- dents by sinking beer pong shots with his visor down. The droid faced a 2008 sexual harassment suit after a female fan accused him of using his computer interface arm in ways that went against her original program- ming, but 2009 showered him with rave reviews for his single, Boooop Beeep Wheeeeereeeep Beep. The artist split the singles profts between a group advocating lightsaber-control laws and Space AIDS research. In addition, his song Chirrrrp Boop Beep can be heard in the intro to AMCs popu- lar drama Mad Men. RJD2 is known for his elabo- rate stage shows, incorporating self-projected images of princesses pole dancing on tables, and often inappropriate live performances. The droids label representatives at Choruscant Records assured the College that Arjay will keep the o b s c e n e beeps and wh i s t l e s at a mini- mum. 1 INSIDE THIS ISSUE: BASEBALL TEAM GOES CUPLESS TO REDUCE WASTE SAILING TEAM GIVES UP MT. VERNON MIKE TO LISTEN TO STATIC OVER BREAK We Also Know How LOST Ends Superstar Droid RJD2 To Play Hood Internet to Mash Up Kenyon By Esteban Sinclaire HORN GALLERY This past Tuesday night at the Horn Gallery, eleven American Studies majors fnished the last phase of their senior comps, an adorable but weally hard ten-minute group presentation that left many uncertain about passing and all weally weady for a snack. The comps consisted of a PowerPoint and a paragraph on something that some- how ties into something they learned. This years presentation was comprised of a slideshow entitled Famoss [sic] Presi- dents In Histery [sic] and a rendition of America The Beautiful by Mike Gloovar 10 on his recorder. I did my project on Benjamin Franklin, our tenth president, said Trevor Brooke 10 during the presentation, dressed in a white wig and an oversized tweed coat. He was really neat - he even invented electricity! Look, I brought a light bulb! Brooke proceeded to show the crowd assembled a battery-powered light circuit he had made in the garage with his father, Todd Brooke `78, who flmed the entire presentation from the back of the room. Although the light fickered when switched on, other students felt frowny faced after the group fnished. Uh, they asked hard stuff, like if Mexico is up or down on the map, Lace Goiter 10 said after pulling her shirt up and rolling on the ground. And after Tom [McRoy 10] threw up, my tummy started to hurt. Could you rub it? On Tuesday students also had to sub- mit their refection to Mr. Rutkoff, their teacher whos pretty nice even though he shouts a lot. Notoriously known as the big challenge for big boys! the paper has long been criticized by the larger academic community for its strict no crayon policy. This paper made my brain weally sweepy, Jack Rickrone 10 said as he printed off his quadruple-spaced, size 16- font refection minutes before the presen- tation. How am I supposed to write a whole pawagwaph when Ive only studied the United American States for this many fngers? Rickrone claims that regardless of the strains of Googling pictures of the Con- stitution or fguring out how to turn on the projector, the rewards of the major far outweigh its meany-pants demands - he doesnt even care if he has to stay inside this weekend for not putting his name on his paper. I got a purple ice pop! Rickrone shouted after fnishing the presentation and throwing his shoe across the room. And Mr. Wutkoff said he was gonna make bwownies! This is the bestest comps test ever!! 2 By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins KAC The halftime crowd at last weeks bas- ketball game was treated to the much-anticipated Kenyon debut of Boots Firmly Planted, a na- tionally acclaimed Amish step team from Knox County. These guys are step legends, said an excited Marcus Brackston 10, head of the Kenyon Step Team. Theyre right up there with the Showtime Steppers and Status Quo in terms of co- ordination and tech- nique. And their moves are just well, you gotta see it to believe it. The games anouncer pumped the crowd up with a raucous introduc- tion: Kenyoooon are you ready for some steppiiiiiin!? Boots Firmly Plants lets see what you can do! Thunder- ous cheering and hooting greeted Boots Firmly Planted as they took the stage. But the groups leader, Hans Leifenhuuf, silenced the applause. Nay, he professed. Thy revelry is forbidden. Galatians 5:1921 states that the acts of sinful nature sexual debauchery, discord, idolatry, and drunken orgies shalt disqualify yon practitioners from the Kingdom of Heaven. They always start their set off with a discource on Bible verses, whispered an awed Brackston. Its amazing . . . Ho, Leifenhuuf, reproached teammate Amos Achtung, halt thine sour condemnations. Tis a joyful celebration of Gods majesty we do at- tend on yon day of Sun. Do not let slip thy mind of Psalm 149:3: Let them praise His name with dancing and make music to Him with tambou- rine and harp. Soften thy wintry heart, Hans, and let loose the di- vine power of thy britches. The crowd could barely con- tain their hytseria by this point, with shouts of Awww shit son! and You da man of God! fying at the crew. The remain- der of the team murmured in agreement with Amos wisdom. The expression of sternness lifted from Leifenhuufs face, and he eventually relented.'`Tis a fne game of basket- weaving-ball, he said. 'A fne game. After a curt nod, he added: 'Very well. Steppers to thine marks. Commence to bring it on. Then, much to the crowds delight, the group began a coordinated jig to DJ Unks Walk It Out, verifying their status as step team champions. By Gurl Wulf WIGGIN ST The clang of wedding bells rang out over the village of Gambier Saturday, herald- ing the nuptials of Peter Stevens, 9, and Kara Lu- cas, 5. The couple, who met three weeks ago dur- ing a game of capture-the-fag, plan to reside in their respective parents homes until one or both of them is old enough to see over the counter. The spectacularly pink and glittery wedding was at- tended by members of the Wiggin Street kinder- garten, frst, and second grade classes, many of whom had attended such festivities before. Not all of the guests were thrilled for the cou- ple, however, as several reported conficts during the service and, later, around the buffet tables and in the sandbox. This is Peters eleventh wife, said Wiggin Street math teacher Joan McCoy. A lot of the girls at the wedding have been married to him before; I`m sure it was very diffcult for them to watch someone else step into shoes they once wore. Still, some of the ex-wives in atten- dance remained positive throughout. Stevens ninth wife, Eliza Hoppit, 6, said, We parted ami- cably. He was a really good sharer. He always let me play with his blocks. I bet he did, commented ex-wife Delilah Loops, 11. Loops, who married Stevens when she was 6 and divorced him four hours later citing cooties and hair-pulling, elaborated, I thought Peter was going to let me play with his blocks forever. It turned out he wanted to spread them around, build some forts with other girls. I should have known, younger boys never have the long- term in mind. Stevens most recent ex-wife, Becky Granger, 4, could not be reached for comment as it was either naptime, bedtime, or bath time every time her mom answered the phone, but close friend Molly Sullivan, 5, said, 'Becky`s doing fne. Pe- ter did not treat her very well, but shes taking some time for herself, you know, watching Dora the Explorer to improve her Spanish, getting back in shape on the monkey bars. Shell be okay. She still needed a booster seat, which really crimped my style, Stevens said unapologeti- cally. Its hard to have a tickle war when youre belted six ways to Sunday. Stevens, whose marriages have lasted any- where from two recesses to six months (A fuke, he is careful to add, 'because she moved to Spain and I didnt know how to call Spain.) is proud of his record. Ive asked to be held back in kindergarten for the past four years, he said. As soon as they hit frst grade, girls come with bag- gage. Do you have any idea how many serious emotional issues the whole concept of Phonics brings out in girls? Kindergarten for life. I dont care, the new bride said. I love Peter thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, and were gonna be married at least til I start losing my baby teeth. He prom- ised. Amish Step Team Performs At Half-Time American Studies Majors Worried About Pass- ing Big, Stupid Comps Wiggin Street Kindergartner On Eleventh Wife Boots Firmly Planted before a captivated audience. By Granny Hayes OLD KENYON In what turned out to be an unfortunate misun- derstanding Saturday night, local librarians Patricia Meriwether and Celia Fleming arrived at the Zeta Alpha Pi Librarians and Barbar- ians all-campus party. Expecting to attend an informative lecture on Dewey Decimals on the Barbary Coast, the women were shocked to fnd themselves at an event that Fleming described as too loud. Once I saw the young men with their loincloths fapping around, I realized that Patty and I had made an error, said Fleming. The men we had encountered were clearly illiterate. I hadnt been that confused since I found out that Who Moved My Cheese? was a self-help book, not a cook book about dairy prod- ucts, commented Meriweth- er. All these years, I had been cataloging it wrong, she added, chuckling. The party, classifed on Face- book as a NATASTROPHE, quickly evolved into a scene that Meriwether described as not qui- et enough. I saw Patty starting to overheat in her wool skirt suit, said Fleming, and I knew we had to get out of there. With every moment that passed the informa- tion professionals became more certain that they were, in fact, the only real librarians at the party and that the illiterates werent illiterate at all, but rather, male college stu- dents dressed as barbarians. No one even recognized my SHHH! Librarian at Work sweater, said Fleming. People kept saying Haha thats so clever. Did you get that at Goodwill? But they give these sweaters out every year to the librarians working the Gam- bier Public Library Book Sale. Stuck between two male stu- dents dressed as Germanic war- riors, Fleming and Meriwether pleaded to get by the fake savages. However, their requests went un- heard as the women spoke exclu- sively in hushed tones. Real Librarians Crash Zeta Alpha Pi Party By Joe M. Amasas EDWARDS HOUSE Over the past few weeks, Kenyon Col- lege`s Offce of the Registrar has been swamped with work. At times, there were as many as fve students trying to hand in forms simultaneously. Since the return of the student body to campus in mid-January, students have been coming through at all hours and asking countless questions, requir- ing a number of answers, ranging from, No, to That form, to Yes, you do need that signature as well. Frequent though ultimately un- founded worries circulated that the offce might have to stay open through lunch. As the window during which students can drop or add classes closes, however, the Offce of the Registrar has fnally been able to go back to just sitting there for most of the workday and answer- ing the occasional phone call. There was a while there when the only time we could really all sit together and do nothing was the hour off that we all take at the same time every day. Sadie McEntyre, Head Registrar, recalled. A pre- cious fve hours a week. Now all of that has changed, and McEntyre says that the offce does basically nothing all day. Overall, student reaction has been positive. Jimmy Volksberger 12 told reporters that he was so proud of all of us for returning the Offce of the Registrar to its peace- ful, dormant state. It was terrible, unfair, and downright inhumane there. Can you imagine having to sit at a desk and receive forms from or respond to people for al- most three hours each morning? Well, then imagine having to do it again, for another three hours, every afternoon, for fve days in a row. Nobody should be surprised when their questions are met with surly, veiled hostility under such intense working conditions, who could possibly still pay mind to politeness and decency? Still, not everyone is happy. Carla Wartroth 11 complained, Its unreasonable to call what they do a work day. Wartroth, who has not had to wake up before eleven and has had Tuesdays and Thursdays off for the past three years thanks to the Offce of the Registrar, noted, The combina- tion of extreme degrees of sloth and entitlement is one of the most disgusting perversions of human nature, before neglecting to do the 20 minutes of Biology reading she had for the 11th class in a row. Registrar Sits Back On Ass By Beauregard Beauregard SCIENCE QUAD Students frequenting the Science Quad in the past month have been subjected to both scalding harassment and plaintive attempts at human contact from Henry Moores Large Spindle Piece, on loan to the college from architect Graham Gund 63. Much of the sculptures antagonism seems to stem from jealousy for the group of angels by Carles Milles located outside Rosse Hall. Have you even seen those assholes? it exclaimed. Just up on those pedestals, playing their instruments like they dont even know what kind of picture theyre cutting. Buncha phonies. They know. Of course they know. And they get mad if you point it out, too. All morons hate it when you call them a moron. A small number of fe- male students have reported engaging in relationships with the sculpture with varying degrees of physi- cality. When asked about its sexuality, it Large Spindle Piece replied, Winters the hardest, and I dont need any psychobabble about Seasonal Affective Disorder to tell me why. Its because of the girls, man. All bundled up and whatnot, theyre never going to do anything pretty. Fall and Spring Im falling half in love every two seconds but in the winter its goddamn hard, before sighing and pausing. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They re- ally can. While a rare few are in- different to the sculptures diatribes, most either feel a deep connection or fnd it utterly insufferable. All it talks about is its dead brother Three Way Piece No. 2 (The Archer), commented Janet Wil- son 12. Apparently we would have liked him. Another student, who wished to remain anony- mous, described the sculp- ture as kind of a whiny bitch. The abstract works disillusionment seems to stem from a frustration with the human tendency to take things for grant- ed. This is a really nice place youve got here, you know? it said. I mean, sure, youve got your fair share of jerks and all that, guys who cant shut up about themselves or their fathers and all, but its a nice place. People never notice anything. Sculpture Wishes Someone, Anyone Understood It Merriwether and Fleming shushing the crowd. The Large Spindle Piece, brooding. 4 Savage Garden . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace Foo Fighters . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside Del Amitri . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson Creed . . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket Smashmouth . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000 Goo Goo Dolls . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams Spacehog . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard Matchbox 20 . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein Eagle Eye Cherry . . . . . . Granny Hayes Everclear . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins Train . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire 3 Doors Down . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller Sister Hazel . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf Hoku . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz Hanson . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly Lucky Boys Confusion . . . . Clams Casino Everlast . . . . . . . . Sgt. Clap Stormison Third Eye Blind . . . . . . Joe M. Amasas Garbage . . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin Blind Melon . . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki Sugar Ray . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis Advisor . . Now! Thats What I Call Music 4-6 Founder/Editor Emeritus . . Louis Francis Al- bert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Colle- giate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO COLLEGIATE STAFF By Jean Shortz BOOKSTORE This past week, Jim Huang began work as the new Kenyon College Book- store Manager. Huang, when offered the job this past September, accepted on only one con- dition: that the bookstore sell a shit-ton of pup- pets. Since Huangs arrival on campus, his main concern has been adjusting to life in Gam- bier and his new job. Transitions are always messy, but this one is going to be worth it, he said. Its going to be wonderful once were all here my wife and daughter and my puppets are still back in Indiana wr a p p i n g up vari- ous things. He looked up as The R a i n b o w Connection started to play for the ffth time since the i n t e r v i e w started. Wa- tery-eyed, he conf essed, Its a little hard to be apart from my puppets right now. H u a n g says he is already discovering aspects of the Bookstore that he hopes to improve. 'Somewhat to my surprise, I fnd that the ma- jority of what the Bookstore sells is books and food items and academic-type stuff, he said. I was hoping for more puppets. I like puppets. He accepted the position in October, and the bookstore began carrying a greater num- ber and variety of puppets to make the move more comfortable. According to Huang, the puppets currently stocked are a good effort for amateurs but not quite up to par with what he had in mind: We have hand puppets of the ticklebug and glove variety; we carry some simply modeled but stunning pull-string and Marionette puppets; we even have a couple of marotte-style beauties. My concern is that both the Bunraku movement and all light and water- based puppetry are tragically underrepresented in our inventory I pledge to right this wrong before the semester is over. Huang also said he encourages questions and comments from students, staff, and faculty. The main message is that I want everyone in- volved in the Bookstore, he said. Its not just a part of ev- e r y o n e s education it can and should be a place where puppets are sold. The new m a n a g e r also noted that while other cam- pus groups have public oppor t uni - ties to show- case what their organi- zations are all about, the Bookstore has nothing of the kind. The Chas- ers have a concert; Renegade puts on one act plays; it only makes sense that the Bookstore would have a puppet show. He has begun rais- ing money for a production that he will put on in April. I wont give it all away, but Ill just say that it is in the Czech post-modern ern divadlo tradition. He chuckled to himself. I think you all know what that means. New Bookstore Manager Enthu- siastic About Books, Puppets Student Sitting Behind You At Creditors Barely Understands Plot By Dingo Rockefeller HILL THEATER The student sitting behind you at last weekends production of Creditors by August Strinberg was almost completely baffed by essentially every aspect of the pro- duction. Despite capable acting, clear direc- tion, and a reasonably straightforward plot, the student behind you had only the vaguest inkling of the cause and effect of the theatrical world before him. He cant walk, he whispered early in the production, shortly after Adolf, one of the plays three main characters, picked up a crutch to travel into a chair. He needs a cane. Later, in scene three, the student sitting be- hind you audibly gasped, Ohh, he was her wife! in reference to a plot point that you and everyone around you had fgured out, silently, over twenty minutes previously. As interactions between Tekla and her ex- husband heated up, the student an arms length behind you murmured, Uh oh, her husbands behind the door, possibly hoping to share his revelation with any theatergoers in the immedi- ate vicinity who had missed the moment when Adolf had said Ill hide behind the door and then, in full view of the audience, hidden be- hind said door. Reports that the student sitting behind you at Creditors will be writing the review for The Kenyon Collegian are unconfrmed. Student Perspectives By Pat Macalister 10 Holy. Crap. You guys, have you seen what they have at the Hearth today? As if that station couldnt get any homier, they have Fresh Baked Bread(!) Its like regular bread, only totally different, be- cause while regular bread is a mixture of four and water and leavening, this bread is a mixture of four and water and leavening and that special ingre- dient that they call LUV. Plus, it`s more oval shaped and sometimes has cheese in it. When I saw it for the frst time at dinner the other night, I was skeptical. Until now, Ive al- ways been OK with Normal Bread (which, by the way, now tastes like a combination of ce- ment and demon tears) but Ive never been a huge fan. But this stuff is different. I mean, three kinds of butter?! Even cinnamon?! No way! If regular butter is ambrosia, this butter is ambrosia with slightly more cinnamon! I want to slather it all over my face. RETRACTION: In our previous issue, contributor Luther Honey- bucket reported on a boll weevil plague in Knox County. The plague in question actually occured in 1923, in Georgia. We apologize for the confu- sion. Additionally, a piece from our editorial section reported that the movie Tooth Fairy was a heart- warming romp suitable for all ages. We sincere- ly apologize for the error. The Kenyon Bookstore displays a new decor theme. FRESH BREAD! WHOOPEE!