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Lois Griffin [Singing] "It seems today that all you see Lois Griffin "is violence in movies

and sex on TV Peter Griffin "but where are those good, old-fashioned values Peter Griffin "on which we used to rely? All "Lucky there's a family guy All "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All "all the things that make us Stewie Griffin "laugh 'n' cry All "He's a family guy" Stewie Griffin I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively div ine! Stewie Griffin Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Stewie Griffin Aren't I the wicked one? Lois Griffin Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. Stewie Griffin And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat w ere perfectly fine then? Lois Griffin Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? Quagmire Said and done. Quagmire Hey there, spud with the mud. Stewie Griffin Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva? Cleveland Hi. You've got our votes. Lois Griffin Thank you, Cleveland. Lois Griffin Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau. Lois Griffin She actually opposes background checks for new teachers! Lois Griffin God knows who she might hire. Teacher So the square of a hypotenuse, which we will label C making the sides op posite both of the acute angles A and B always equals the sum of the squares of the other sides. Teacher Any questions? Lois Griffin It's just something I have to do. Lois Griffin Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. Stewie Griffin Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy ! Stewie Griffin You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! Stewie Griffin Not this baby! Peter Griffin Lois, you seen my pants? [Audience laughing] Peter Griffin Boy, I'll be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neigh borhood. Peter Griffin Lois, what's with the sign? Lois Griffin Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. Lois Griffin You never listen to me. Peter Griffin Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. Peter Griffin Lois, what's with the sign? Brian Griffin You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. Peter Griffin That's it! I'm calling the cops! Principal Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have bad news. Principal I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room. Lois Griffin Oh, Chris! Peter Griffin So what's the big deal? It's normal for a boy his age to be curiou s. Peter Griffin I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop. Presenter Welcome to eighth grade orientation, everyone. Presenter Locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch perio d. Presenter If you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come...

Lois Griffin We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. Lois Griffin A woman is not an object. Peter Griffin Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Lois Griffin Peter! Peter Griffin I didn't say that. Peter Griffin Lee Majors did. Lee Majors What? Women are things. Peter Griffin Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas! Peter Griffin He was my favorite teacher! Mr. Fargas Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect a clown! [Students gasping] [Scalpel cutting tissue] Mr. Fargas No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy! Lois Griffin Why don't you go say hello? Lois Griffin I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' lounge. Peter Griffin Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Mr. Fargas Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Peter Griffin Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. Peter Griffin You taught me everything. Math, science. Peter Griffin You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom. Mr. Fargas Peter, you start like this. Peter Griffin Like this? Mr. Fargas Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. Peter Griffin Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing. Peter Griffin Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you? Somebody give you a fun-ec tomy? Mr. Fargas No, they gave me these by order of the School Board. Mr. Fargas They said it evens me out. Mr. Fargas Sorry to fly off the handle. Peter Griffin Here, let me see that. Peter Griffin That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man. Peter Griffin Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need. Peter Griffin Now get back in that classroom and teach your "Fargin"' ass off. [Rhythmic thumping noises] Chris Griffin Don't come in! Just a minute! Peter Griffin Chris, your mother wants me and you to have a talk. Chris Griffin No! Chris Griffin I was going for a new record. Peter Griffin Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Peter Griffin Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers Hello, neighbor. Mr. Rogers [Groaning] Peter Griffin But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this. Chris Griffin Wow! Miss December! Peter Griffin Yep, the old skin bin. Peter Griffin Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly le gal! Chris Griffin Wow, check out the rack on... Mom? Peter Griffin Give me that! Peter Griffin Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Chris Griffin All right, Dad! Chris Griffin Hey, Dad. Thanks. [Rhythmic thumping noises resume] Meg Griffin Mom, if you get elected can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen? Lois Griffin Honey, of course I can. Lois Griffin But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Lois Griffin Isn't that right, Milli? Milli No, it's just as good. Milli "Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-Baby"

Milli What's the use? You're right. Stewie Griffin Cease this prattling! Stewie Griffin This campaign literature must be posted today to get you into off ice and out of my life, you festering strumpet! Peter Griffin Hey, you guys. Lois, you running for School Board? Meg Griffin Look, Chris' school is on TV. Tom Tucker The egg drop, an annual tradition for junior-high-school science stud ents. Tom Tucker Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher R andall Fargas seems to have gone horribly wrong. Tom Tucker We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trishia Takanawa Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. Peter Griffin Welcome back, Fargas. Lois Griffin Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth! Peter Griffin No, Lois. The janitor'll do that. Diane Simmons I'm getting word that the Quahog School Board has just dismissed R andall Fargas, ending his 32-year teaching career. Peter Griffin What? They can't do that! Lois Griffin Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced. Diane Simmons In other news, Betsy Lebeau, School Board President candidate anno unced today she's pulling out of the race. Diane Simmons Lebeau's withdrawal leaves housewife, Lois Griffin, running unoppo sed. Lois Griffin My goodness! I win by default! Peter Griffin Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back. Lois Griffin I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own! Lois Griffin And I happen to agree with the School Board's decision. Peter Griffin I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable but this is g rown-up time and I'm the man. Lois Griffin I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that's final. Peter Griffin Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas. Peter Griffin I'm gonna stop you the only way I can by killing you in the race f or School Board President! Brian Griffin Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? Brian Griffin You know how competitive you get. Peter Griffin I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Peter Griffin Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win. Brian Griffin Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers. Brian Griffin King me. Peter Griffin Look over there! Brian Griffin What? Lois Griffin Peter, since when do you care about the School Board? Peter Griffin Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you i s the only way to get him back then I am gonna run like the Six Million Dollar M an. Government Agent We can rebuild him. Government Agent We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of mone y. [Adventurous instrumental music] Lois Griffin Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run. Lois Griffin But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues. Peter Griffin I'm Lois. Peter Griffin Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. Peter Griffin [Childish babbling] Lois Griffin This'll be even easier than running unopposed. Peter Griffin Is that so? Peter Griffin Not only am I gonna win this election I am gonna eat your nose.

Lois Griffin [Amused sigh] Lois Griffin See you on the campaign trail. [Military instrumental music] [Patriotic instrumental music] Stewie Griffin Oh, my. Look where my hand is. Stewie Griffin I say, look where my hand is! Stewie Griffin It's in a very naughty place. Stewie Griffin Does that not disgust you? Brian Griffin You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Stewie Griffin Now look here, you loathsome cur! Stewie Griffin The matron of prattle has left me in your ward. Stewie Griffin You should be striving to thwart my noisome misdeeds. Stewie Griffin Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall! Brian Griffin Water-soluble. Stewie Griffin Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Stewie Griffin If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. Brian Griffin What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Stewie Griffin Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Stewie Griffin I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. Brian Griffin Whatever you say, Mama's boy. Stewie Griffin Blast! Boy Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside that look like boobs! You in? Chris Griffin Who needs rocks when you got these? Boy 1 Check it out! Boy 2 Wow! Peter Griffin Vote for Peter Griffin! Quagmire Look at all of Lois' signs! Quagmire Talk about seeing red. Cleveland Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause. Cleveland The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters. Peter Griffin Don't sweat it, the Griffin men have always been winners dating ba ck to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin. [Raucous cheering] Peter Griffin Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? Peter Griffin If there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd. Tom Tucker Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmid t and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tom Tucker Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin Quahog's n ative son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means and community act ivist. Chris Griffin Go, Dad. Meg Griffin He can't hear you. Chris Griffin Go, Dad! Tom Tucker So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus P eter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all! Brian Griffin "Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say I see mankind's self-tort uring pains" Stewie Griffin No! You're doing it wrong! Stewie Griffin When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in a sca ry voice like this! Brian Griffin Is that the way Mommy reads it? Stewie Griffin I do not miss that ogress. Stewie Griffin She can burn in hell for all I care! Brian Griffin Sure she can. Stewie Griffin Damn! Stewie Griffin [Singing] "I've grown accustomed to her face Stewie Griffin "She almost makes the day begin Stewie Griffin "I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and no

on Stewie Griffin "Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs Stewie Griffin "are second nature to me now Stewie Griffin "Like breathing out and breathing in Stewie Griffin "I'm very grateful she's a woman Stewie Griffin "and so easy to forget, rather like a habit one can always break Stewie Griffin "And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks Stewie Griffin "Accustomed to her voice Stewie Griffin "Accustomed to her Stewie Griffin "face" [Audience sighing sympathetically] Stewie Griffin Damn you all! Tom Tucker Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. Peter Griffin Okay, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me. Tom Tucker Is that it? Peter Griffin No, this is it. Peter Griffin This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball because the w orld don't move to the beat of just one drum. Peter Griffin What might be right for you, may not be right for some. Peter Griffin You take the good, you take the bad you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Peter Griffin Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Tom Tucker Okay. Mrs. Griffin? Lois Griffin As a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be. Lois Griffin That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teache rs a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to th e Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead." [Cheering] Tom Tucker Mr. Griffin, your response? Tom Tucker Maybe something about education? Peter Griffin I have always cared deeply about young people. Peter Griffin As a rich college-bound student, I once joined some underprivilege d youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. [Cheering] Lois Griffin Peter, that wasn't you. Lois Griffin That was Adolpho Shabba-Doo in Breakin' Il: Electric Boogaloo. Lois Griffin You watched it last night. [Booing] Peter Griffin So you're calling me a liar? Peter Griffin I'm gonna take the highroad and stick to the issues. Peter Griffin The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. Peter Griffin They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their femi nine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I e ver ate! Peter Griffin Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeest... Tom Tucker Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on Peter Griffin Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. Peter Griffin She freed Willie Horton, nailed Donna Rice... Lois Griffin Peter, that's enough! Peter Griffin Eats babies. CROWD: [Chanting] Peter, Peter. Lois Griffin Just a minute. Listen to me, please! Lois Griffin This election is about our children's future. Lois Griffin So ask yourself what kind of future will it be if you elect a man w ho has never taught a student or even been to a PTA meeting. Lois Griffin This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! [Audience muttering] Lois Griffin I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me.

Crowd Lois! Peter Griffin Wait, I'm not done. Peter Griffin Peter! Come on! Stop. Shut up! You guys shut up! Lois Griffin I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have? Brian Griffin That's okay, Lois. I enjoyed it. Lois Griffin As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us. Peter Griffin Lois Griffin is a slut. Lois Griffin What? Peter Griffin Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Peter Griffin I grew up in this town. Peter Griffin Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Peter Griffin Someone we can trust. Peter Griffin A lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. Peter Griffin But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. Peter Griffin But here's something everyone can understand! Peter Griffin Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? Peter Griffin I know I don't. Cleveland Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Cleveland Sorry, Lois. Tom Tucker "Lewd," "obscene," and "a little blurry" just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic. Tom Tucker Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. Diane Simmons And I'm Diane Simmons. Diane Simmons Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. Diane Simmons Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Peter Griffin What a great day! I just want to say... Peter Griffin I am so freaking wasted! [AII gasping] Stewie Griffin [Thinking] Splendid. How delightful to have mother back. Brian Griffin I heard that. Stewie Griffin Damn! Chris Griffin Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! Chris Griffin They can't believe I came out of you! Peter Griffin Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make m e breakfast? Peter Griffin Just one! You! Peter Griffin I'm just kidding. French toast, please. Lois Griffin Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife! Lois Griffin And for what? To get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom? Peter Griffin Who? Lois Griffin Peter, I cared about our schools. Lois Griffin All you cared about was some stupid competition. Lois Griffin Winning was only half the battle. Lois Griffin If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser! Peter Griffin Oh, yeah? Peter Griffin Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools our s tudents'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling pi ping hot gravy all over myself. Trishia Takanawa This is Trisha Takanawa, here with School Board President Peter Griffin. Trishia Takanawa Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks. Peter Griffin Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping o ur schools. Peter Griffin For starters, we're making sex education more fun. Man "Vagina junction, what's your function?

Man "Taking in sperm and spitting out babies" Peter Griffin And our schools are the safest around... Peter Griffin Thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Monitor Halt! Present hall pass! Student Right here. Monitor Second request. Present pass. Student But... Right here! Monitor Security breach! Peter Griffin I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming th e halls. Peter Griffin I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greate st movies and TV shows. Peter Griffin Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever kno w what's on? Trishia Takanawa Mr. Griffin, this is impressive. Trishia Takanawa I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading. Peter Griffin Thank you. That's what you voted for. Peter Griffin Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there. Peter Griffin Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Peter Griffin That's mine... Shaft. Peter Griffin There might be a mineshaft under this library. Trishia Takanawa All these kids are looking at pornography! Trishia Takanawa TRISHA: What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Boy Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad. Cleveland CLEVELAND: There's quite a crowd outside. Cleveland I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low they were ridiculous. Quagmire You said it, pally. That's why I brought in the big guns. Quagmire Say "how do" to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Peter Griffin Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Peter Griffin Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? James Carville Now see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! War! James Carville Your only chance of surviving this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. Quagmire And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. Peter Griffin I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without... Peter Griffin I'm sorry. I can't look at you! Peter Griffin I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly. Peter Griffin Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. Peter Griffin Lois, I could lose my presidency! Lois Griffin Too bad! I've already lost more than that! Peter Griffin Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes? Lois Griffin No. I've lost my respect for you. Peter Griffin Because I need those socks. Tom Tucker We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled Sch ool Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life. Crowd Throw the bum out! Chris Griffin Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad. Lois Griffin I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind. Chris Griffin Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? Lois Griffin Oh, honey. Maybe. Peter Griffin PETER: "A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing... Peter Griffin "...but I'm here to tell you that I'm innocent! " Crowd Oh, yeah. Right. Peter Griffin "I didn't give those magazines to my son. Peter Griffin "My wife, Lois..." Peter Griffin Lois! Peter Griffin Crap. Look, my wife, Lois, is the most important person in the wor ld to me.

Peter Griffin I gave my son those magazines. Peter Griffin Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something che ap and tawdry. Peter Griffin I just wanted to win so bad. Peter Griffin Now I know that some things are more important than winning. Peter Griffin Lois, I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Lois Griffin Oh, Peter! Tom Tucker So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too ? Tom Tucker Have you the moral authority to lead? Peter Griffin Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign. Diane Simmons There's the President, First Lady Lois. Tom Tucker Now boarding the helicopter. Tom Tucker And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog, Rho de Island. Tom Tucker One which leaves this reporter asking: Tom Tucker How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we, the people, endure? Tom Tucker Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The Clit oris: Nature's Rubik's Cube." [Theme music] Student Welcome back, Fargas. Mr. Fargas Thank you. Chris Griffin Welcome back, Farg. Mr. Fargas Much obliged. Monitor Halt. Present hall pass. Mr. Fargas Excuse me? Monitor Second request. Present hall pass. Monitor [Lasers firing