Season 1

1.1. ***
- Man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here, he is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched. - What about his subconscious? - Eisenhower...was a sissy. I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

1.1. ****
-What the hell are you doing? Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenchner? -I was worried that it could exacerbate the patient...... -It's regular strength Tylenol. Here's what you do: get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage. And on under no circumstances are you to compromise our no talking agreement.

1.1. *
-Her? She's dead. Write this down newbie: if you push around a stiff, nobody will ask you to do anything.

1.1. ****
Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they find out the nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out of here so quick it will make your head spin.

1.1. *****
-Look.....worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life. But that is the absolute worst case scenario. Come on newbie, look, just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do which I assume covers just about everything and if you have a really rough admission.... -Call you? -Nooo, I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.

1.2. *
-Unfortunately radar, I'm fresh out of gold stars.

1.2. **
-You realise of course it's your attention to detail that impresses me most.

1.2. ***
-Oh, Dr Cox, I know I'm being annoying........ -I heard "I know I'm being annoying", and then.... white noise.

1.2. ****
-Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lapdog privileges. -Excuse me? -No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.

1.2. *****
-Well, actually, you have a point. I guess watching the game by yourself with a scotch isn't really the only way to watch a game, huh? I don't know, it's just that, I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness. -It's not. -Well then, would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza? -Of course I will. - I can braid your hair. Now, I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. Just ignore them, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

1.2. *****
-Now come here and give me a hug. It's okay, come here. Come here. Ah, get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.

1.2. ****
-Jeez, JD, would you be a man? If you can't stick to your convictions you'll never make it as a doctor.

1.3. ***
-So nothing was going on last night between me and Elliot. -Good thing you still have your flower then.

1.3. **
-Look, if you have a medical question for me I'm forced by hospital policy to answer you, however, if you ask me about a personal problem, I'm going to start doing this *flicks his ear*.

1.4. ****
Boohoohoo..... but what about our duty as doctors.....? Look. This has nothing to do with the patient. It's all about you. You, are afraid of death, and you can't be; you're in medicine, you gotta accept the fact that everything we do here, everything, is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

1.5. ****
-What in the name of are-you-there-God-it's-me-Margarath were you thinking?

-Well, I'm new here, but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures have a very low success rate on dead people. -That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103, you see, she doesn't have insurance, Mr Martinez on the other hand had great insurance. Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron?

1.5. ****
-I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails where you obviously - if not grew up- then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real word now. Nnnnn-kay?

1.5. **
What is your excuse you whiny little suck-up?

1.6. **
-Okay, Linus, you're way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out.

1.6. *
-I'm gonna go ahead and do this just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand..... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

1.6. *
-Jeez Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?

1.8. ***
-Listen Super Girl, I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand piece puzzle of clear blue sky in less than an hour will never be able to finish putting you back together again, even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.

1.8. ****
-Look Doogie, I'm up to my cha-chas in busy-work so I'm gonna go head take a rain-check on your report card - just have you do it yourself. -You didn't even fill out my name. -Well now I think it's John or Jimmy or "Jeh" or "Mmh" - oh gosh it's in the j-family, but if you get in trouble just ask the nurses for help

1.8. **
-I err..., finished my evaluation. -Oh great, I thought it was gonna take a little longer so the marching band won't be here until this evening.

1.8. ***

-Now you can have this thing back any time you wanna. You're gonna have to bark like a dog though.

1.8. *****
-Well I'm not gonna say that. You're okay. You might be better than that someday, but right now all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself. I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation? -I can't think of a safe answer, I just figured... -Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I want you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it, but so you could see it. Because ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, and you don't have to answer to Kelso...you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake! You only have to answer to one guy, newbie, and that's you! There. You are...evaluated. Now get the hell out of my sight. You honest to God get me so angry I'm afraid I just might hurt myself.

1.9. ****
-Look, Dr Benson was kinda my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing. -What annoying thing? -You know, when you talk. -Come on, tha...... -See, there it is, how does that not drive you crazy?

1.10. ****
-Hey you, for what it's worth, I don't care if your beeper plays "who let the dogs out hoof hoof" as many times as you like..... -Actually sir, it's "hoo, hoo", but thank you. That, that's great.... -Sure, oh, and ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move running to your mommy. -Excuse me? -Yeah, your mummy cu-rushed me, she did. Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. Fyi, JDs mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on anymore, nothing mean, she's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her.

1.11. ****
- Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use? - None! It's like this when I wake up. - Yeah, quick tip, there sports-star...... when you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.

1.11. ***
-This is the monkey I got to video-tape the birth.

1.11. **
-Banana hammock! -I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

1.11. ***
-Oh gosh Margery, aren't you sassy today. Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted.

1.13. ***
-Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is? It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof beats, you just go ahead and think "horsies", not "zebra's". Mkay mister silly-bear?

1.13. **
-Alex dumped me. -Ahhh, you mean the blind girl you've been dating? -She's not blind. -Of course she's not...... Okay newbie, how did you drop the ball on this one. And don't tell me you cried or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.

1.13. ***
You didn't forget, you kept looking at your watch. I saw you. I just...naturally assumed that you were just afraid of missing Judging Amy, it never occurred to me that you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit, you stupid piss-ant.

1.14. ****
- Oh, the addict said he quit? Why wouldn't you tell me something like that, 'cause, don't you see, that changes everything. - I believe in Mr. Barns. - Look it newbie. Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't meant that the world has suddenly turned into a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do. Barbie here still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs, and addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat and steal just to get a fix. Now you've got to wake up sweetheart! You're gonna be late for school! Aww you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems!?

1.15. **
-Bravo, just a big bravo. Heaven help me I love newbie theatre. Honest, I do. It's the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with eachother.

1.15. ****

- So, there it is. Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring

1.15. *
- Wow...... Always side with the hoochie, Newbie. It's a rookie mistake. Gosh, you-you hate to see it

1.16. ***
-Dr Cox, I was wondering.... -I'd say you're about a B-cup.

1.16. *
-'Sup newbie? - My mom called and said my favourite high school teacher just died. - Yeah, the correct answer to that question is "Nothing, Sir".

1.16. *
- If you don't toss that shot back I'm gonna throw you up on the bar and make you sing the theme song from 'Endless Love'. -Yucky. -Yucky? -Yucky. - My God, I'm drinking with a Mousketeer.

1.16. ***
-And you my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs. -Hmm, I get it, I'm a girl. -Franklin, you heard it, say it. -He's a girl.

1.16. ***
-When you rolled out of bed this morning, did you actually say to yourself: "Heeeeey, I think today would be a terrific day to commit hari-kiri"? Because you realise that's what you're doing. -I just don't think that you deal with your problems the way emotionally healthy people do. -Well hold on a second there rainbow. This just off the newswire: you're not licensed to comment on how people deal with their emotions. -I beg to differ. -Well at least I let mine go, you...if you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside of you, how would that go?

1.17. ****

-Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact the wall in which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall in which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs, in the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, aw it's just a terrific time for you to skip away Shirley, skip away, skip away, go ahead, skip away. Skip, skip, skip to my Lou woohoohoo!

1.18. ***
-Yeah, looks like you screwed the pooch there Tinkerbell.

1.18. ****
-It's my hair. If it even gets damp it frizzes out and becomes wildly unmanageable. -Mine too. -It was a joke, you girl.

1.19. ***
-Look, Riva, if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. Do you understand? -Yeah.... -It's like working with a monkey.

1.19. ****
-Hooooo-kay, that was my mistake, here I engaged you and gave you the impression that I actually care, which is just-so-wrong, God!

1.19. *****
-What I need is a father. -Well, you definitely need something. Ummm...., maybe a backbone, or perhaps some testicles, at the very least a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and just cry your sad eyes out into......

1.19. *
-* JD smiles* -Oh dear lord please make it stop.

1.19. **
-Now you've got to at least try and pace yourself newbie, otherwise sure shooting you're gonna burn out.

1.19. ***
-Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because, you probably think it'd be

cathartic to get it the hell off your chest, but believe me it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they so belong! -My dad flaked on me again. -I'm sorry, um, you're not on drugs, are you? -What? No? -Are you in jail, have you been beaten, are you malnourished? -I skipped lunch but I've been snacking all day. -You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy twenty-six-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.

1.19. ****
-Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage and from what I've heard it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand but for now trust me when I tell you that, I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever even met your daddy.

1.19. **
-Yeah, I just...figured I'd come down, check it out, you know, see how you're doing. And for the record, that was...atrocious, I mean downright adizmo.

1.20. *
-Why hasn't he had a surgical consult? Oh you know what, I'm sorry, that's my fault. I didn't make it clear to you how I feel about things that should already be done, so here it is: I almost always wish things were done aaaaaalready.

1.21. *
-What's wrong with them? -I don't know newbie, I'm assuming they're sick.

1.21. ***
-Because you asked me to. Oh, and because of your puppy-dog eyes. -No, see, you're full of it - you knew I was scared, why didn't you just tell me to go in there and deal with it? -Well, gosh, Newbie, I don't know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn't had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn't have enough fibre in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don't know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn't feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that's fine because here it is: You're a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it.

1.22. *
-Wheeeeen spoken to, Newbie. Wheeeeen spoken to. Here I thought we were clear on that one!

1.22. **
-What in the hell do you think you're doing!? You can't drink beer, you're our driver! That's why we brought you to begin with.

1.22. **
-Gladys, if you could chalk it without pleasuring it, that would be terrific.

1.23. *
-Shut up, shut up, and definitely -shut up-But I didn't even say anything. -I know but I enjoy saying it to you.

1.23. *
-I am sooo not speaking to you Rhonda, thank you.

1.23. **
-Congratulations, your Dimaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well.....

1.23. *
-.....but I will leave my lovely and talented assistant Kimmy (referring to JD)

1.23. ***
- I think you're right. I do. That's partly because you've really... gotten to know me this year... But mostly it's because, well... I told you that I was afraid earlier today so please don't tell me that you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said because I know the things that I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

1.23. *****
-Oh, and newbie, please don't think that you have come here because Ben needs me. You're here because you're scared to death that you might actually have to rely on yourself for the first time ever, and that... that......is just the saddest thing of all.

1.24. **
- Oh, come on, what the hell Newbie. This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder, and you actually have him eating a grilled-cheese sandwich. Hhhere's an idea: why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka.

1.24. **
- Mr. Bober, back there, is one of our frequent flyers; hes been with us every six months for the last two years, and Ive grown rather fond of him. So if you could somehow manage to noooooot kill him, well then -oh, gee- that would just be ducky.

1.24. ****
- Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are right now; the only difference will be that some sorry new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.

1.24. ***
- Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat... with you, that's-that's just... that's crazy talk! I have half a mind to issue you a drug test. I mean, come on, what'd I sign up for.....

2.1. *
-Oprah's right! (referring to JD)

2.1. ****
-Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? Because when I paged you earlier someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People Magazine anyway. Long story short, the whole incident gave me a bang up idea, because you see I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds and if you don't answer every damn last one of them I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.

2.2. **
-Sandy, what do you say we start our workday? -You know, Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name. -It's short for Sandra.

2.2. ***
-You know, you're right. Would you do me a favour and apologize to her while you get me some coffee, and please be quick, otherwise I'm just gonna have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah.

2.3. *
-Angie, put on your flaps, we're going for a walk.

2.3. ***
-Listen newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot, because well... I don't.

2.3. ****
-Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high like the proud little puppy that you are. And when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it will be such an exciting time for you, it really will be, but for the love of God newbie, you gotta try-try-try not to squeeze out a dookie on the

Astroturf, because errr...I mean God forbid you were every an embarrassment to master Bob right? -You know, I don't care what you think. -Yeah you do.

2.4. ***
-Now you, you're more of a low pitched "Oega oega oega", it's more masculine, which quite frankly is surprising considering the source, but make no mistake, oh just equally annoying. Luckily though, I know how to make the pain go away * walks away*

2.5. ****
-Why in the hell are you wearing a coat? -Cuz I'm a doctor. -Look Babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist. -Well, I look doctorly. -No, you look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel and then tells everybody to call him "Sarge", and newbie, nobody likes that guy. Not a soul.

2.5. ****
-Listen closely tiny dancer, I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr. Blair, and for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense. Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much, or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy-band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by. Of course I don't know, I'm just guessing. But one thing's sure shootin' - you wound up at the dum-dum store and just went ahead and put as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't ya?

2.5. ***
- More silly medical mistakes huh? Nice going there newbie.

2.5. *
-Gosh, I'm thrilled you approve, but, for the last time: I'm up here. I'm up here. I'm up here!

2.5. ****
-Here you've put me in a tough situation: I can't honestly decide whether to say, "Duh," "uhDoy," or a very sarcastic, "Oh, really?" My God, Fiona, I know it wasn't your fault; hell, the patient probably knows! But he seemed a little distraught, like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two just might make him feel a little better? And, I know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes right along with wearing that fancy white coat? It... does, doesn't it?

2.6. *

-You know, it's funny, Vivian, I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing's how I paged you four minutes and thirty-eight seconds ago.

2.6. *
-You know newbie, it's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "Hump Day", of course all Sandra Bullock movies but now I'm thrilled to announce your brother tops the list which is...

2.7. ****
-Oh gosh Martha, I'd love to attend your safety camp this summer, I would, but here my parents are making me go to Maine with them. So what do you say you make sure and take a lot of pictures, that way when you get back we can both sit down and put together our friends forever collage. Come on now, the kid's sixteen years old, he's a little busted up, it's not that big a deal. I mean hell when... when you were a kid you musta cut your hand on your doll house.

2.7. *
-Look it, I don't have time right now to be a 100 Watt bolt for your annoying little moths, so if you could just fly away, that'd be great..just fly away..ahay...

2.7. **
-Newbie, any doctor with even a shred of self-respect wouldn't give that woman the time of day.

2.7. **
-Nice work Nancy-Drew, now, see if you can solve the one about the missing ID-badge.

2.8. ***
-Oh my God, Sabrina. You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me!

2.9. ***
-You know, hooking all the idiots. -Apparently it worked!

2.9. **
- Look, Britney, recently I made the potentially fatal mistake of getting back together with my ex-wife who, angel that she is, is carrying the spawn of another man's seed. So, forgive me if I sound a tad irritable when I tell you, I don't care what piece of irrelevant drivel you picked off TV while you were snuggled up in your Holly Hobbie P.J.s.

2.9. **

- You know, Eunice, you never even woulda made that catch if you weren't such an allpurpose nerd, sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching some medical special on TV!

2.9. *
- Oh, puh-lease explain medicine to me! Because, without you, I don't know what to do!

2.9. **
- Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair. What are you feeling like you finally took on the old man in a game of one-on-one and kicked his ass? Well here's the news flash there, Skeetch, it was a fluke. - Believe what you wanna believe, I'll do it again. - Alright, fair enough. Here's your chance. Two identical patients, I say we divide them up, just like in "The Parent Trap", one goes with the sexy free-willing bachelor dad-hello. The other goes with a winey neurotic, sexually-repressed mom-oh, just you all over. Oh and I checked tonight's TV listings there is no special on that disease so you're gonna want to stop at the Blockbuster.

2.9. ***
-Hey, Dr Cox, you'll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient that you did for yours. -Oh my God I cared so little I almost passed out.

2.9. ***
-Boy that's tough. I'd stay and talk you through this but I gotta go check on my patient. You see, he's still alive.

2.9. ***
- Can I? Really? - Sure! Hit me. - How about: go to hell, Shakira. - What?! - What, now that you've decided you're ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I'm warning you, I bet it keeps coming up "Go to hell, Shakira.

2.9. ****
- Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I'm not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I'm damn sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, "Boy, I knew him when." I'm doing it because if I don't, people would die.

2.10. **
- Hehehe, oh, Denise, I know it's morning, if it was still last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex wife trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because

believe it or not, I somehow managed to forget to bring home "the curly fries". Do ya see where I'm going here? Yes? no? Maybe so?

2.10. *
-Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually "push" on it.

2.10. **
- Well, for starters you should probably go ahead and thank your lucky stars that you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.

2.10. *
-Look, please don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.

2.12. ***
- Ahhh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxie about the naught-aye! - Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment, and so I was just...needing a place to stay. - So, you went over to your "friend's" house, and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo, wah - and you, of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable, and blah... blah... blah... nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?

2.13. *
-Oh my God, you must stop watching the lion king!

2.13. ***
-Rosanne, now granted I was, as usual, only half-way listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. And I know, I know, a girl can dream but.... this is never gonna happen.

2.13. *
-Holy cow. I'm so sorry. I guess for my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly, but if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

2.15. **
- Newbie, I'd invite you, unfortunately it's guys only.

2.15. **
-If it isn't my favourite career counsellor. You wouldn't happen to have any more tips on how to climb down the ladder would ya?

2.15. *
-So what, you come by to tell me you're a complete wuss?

2.15. ***
-Well, tears and hugs there Katie. But, unless you wanna come inside here and give one of the fellas a lap-dance, I'm afraid I gotta say Sayonara, 'cause I got twenty guys in here and it's about to get nutty! All the best, baby.

2.16. **
-Hey! Girl's name! -What? -Give me a break, I got a lot on my mind and oh, look at that, I bounced back! Ieh-h-hanyway, the cavebat just kicked me out of its lair and seeings as I no longer have my all access pass to crazytown I'm going to need you to occasionally go in there and poke her with a broomstick.

2.17. ***
-Hey Dr Cox, taking a whizz? -We've been over this before newbie, eyes front, no talking. -JD has a tiny pickle? -Kudos for honesty there newbie, but again, no talking.

2.17. *
- Well now, Maggie! I can only assume that you are whiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favourite gal-pal because you've already finished your pre-rounding? - Haven't even started yet. -What? -Gotcha! Finished! - That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster. -I could tell you some stories. - And if there's a God in heaven, you never will.

2.17. ***
- Oh hey, buddy! I was just thinking about you! Yeah, I was thinking how it might be real nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. You know, somebody I could call - oh, gosh - "My Resident"... and we'd do stuff together. You know, medical stuff. And it would just be peaches! But then it occurred to me that a guy who looked a hell of a lot like you used to be that guy. Monica! Just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop all your regular duties. And I know I just said "drop your duties," and, so help me God, if you even smile, I will crush you into two little newbie-cubes and hang you from rear-view mirror.

2.17. **

- Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying ducky about what you say and do?

2.18. ****
-Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumour circulating about you, I've decided to forego calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm gonna be referring to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I've gone with Lassie because of course that satisfies the criteria of being both a girl and a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition.

2.18.****
-Oh, ho, ho, ho, Scooby! A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Hoo, hoo! Can't tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way. -Oh, will you relax... we just got a beer. Whatta you got there? -One hundred free booger suckers - and you'll say nothing. Oh, and Toto, please, oh please, keep hanging out with her. Because I'm really gonna enjoy watching this one bite ya right on the ass. And I good and guarantee you - she will.

2.18. ****
-Word to the wise there, Astro. Sarcasm does not sit well with the big dog, so consider this a warning, because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little, passive-aggressive aside, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your biggest insecurity and shine the world's largest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days. Now riddle me this Fido, just exactly why does every Asian person who's passing us by in the hallway here keep giving you the old stink eye?

2.18. **
- Nice job there, Hooch. I'll tell you what, you give me a little prep time and I'll rig it so that the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting up right next to ya, no problemo, what do ya say?

2.20. ****
-Newbie, I know that your ovaries are aaaabsolutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella, but you gotta snap out of it! -Oh, I gotta get to that funeral. -Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you! Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like - enter Errol Flynn... whooose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her. But, since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off? Mm-hmm?

2.20. ****
-So, you caught sight of the Janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Hmm! Well, then, it's your obligation as a doctor and your privilege as a woman to go back and ask him if you can see it one more time. Now, 'course I'd love to help you, but I'm off to babysit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.

2.20. ***
-So, what you're saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But here's the problem, Newbie: it's not my problem. So whatta you say we stop talking about the Janitor's junk; I'd like to hear nahsing about ze German; and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though I know she's on your mind.

2.21. ****
- Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, could I be included in the planning of your comingout party? -Is that a gay joke? - No, it's a cotillion joke. My god newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays, I like the gays, I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween. But our thing is that you're a little girl, that's who you are, but that's really not fair...

2.22. **
-Dr Cox..... -Newbie, if the next 2 words out of your mouth aren't "see ya" then the third word will be "Oh my God, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch!"

2.22. ****
- Newsflash. You can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots. -Look Doctor Cox.... - No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there any way that I could have any less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possible. But lowand-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm....I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.

3.1. ****
- Well, Zsa Zsa. Now you put me in quite the pickle. You see, with those earphones on, you can't hear me; but! the odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me today. So, what to do? What to do? What to do? Ahh, hell.... Stop addressing me as "Dr. Cox" in front of your patients. When they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. Oh, and as an added safety measure, from now on, I'll only be responding to Doc, Doctor, Ceasar, or The Big Cheese, and noooo, I'm not joking. Not.... now, not ever.

3.1. ***

- Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat and you, you're....you're a third year now, wake up, this whole Dr Cox riding to the rescue part of the show is over.

3.1. **
- Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now to hear this from me: Every time I go out of my way to help you children, I get nothing but trouble. Now this is the first five minute window I've had in the last week to be with my son. And I'm just not gonna have you pirouetting around in here while my heart is breaking inside.

3.2. ***
-Wedding talk? Oh, how lovely! Listen, Hilton sisters: Mr. Quinn in 206 still has a severely shattered clavicle and he needs a surgical consult now, and seeings as he's your patient, and you're a surgeon, gosh, I was hoping that if you two hens have an extra moment between choosing centrepieces and deciding just exactly how you're gonna attach that veil onto Baldy's head, well, it would just be super-de-duper if you could peek in in there and give him the old lookie-loo; wouldn't it?

3.2. *
- Oh, hey, this whole you-leaving-the-room-whenever-I-enter-it thing that you're doing is just... I love it!

3.2. *
- How did you get him to stop talking to you? - I don't get it, man. All I wanted to do was take you to dinner, and you made me feel like a total idiot. - Wait a minute, I always make him feel like an idiot. - You never tell me how you feel! - Aw, dammit all! I never tell you how I feel. - I'm not talking to you! -Finally! Thank you.

3.4. *
- You're right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while. Of course, I wouldn't know the exact number of days unless I consulted my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest. - ...Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you're a blonde with big bombs and I'm a construction worker juuuuust released from prison. That clear?

3.4. ****
- Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeessen! Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One: If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I'm fairly sure if they

took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!" Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right Spike? The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak, need help.

3.4. ****
- Just a real nice helmet there, princess. - Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a Hairmet - it has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo. - Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

3.4. **
-Tell me this there Piffy, are you allergic to beestings? -I don't know, why? - Well, It's just that it looks so painful and possibly infected, I must flick it!

3.4. *
-I tell you what newbie, this must be a very, very proud day for ya.

3.4. *
- Say, Newbie. Seeings as you are partially responsible for me being the new Residency Director, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the rest of the night off. I... I... I don't know, It's just kind of my own personal way of saying... I can't actually stand the sight of you.

3.5. ***
- Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would...

3.5. ****
- Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favourite of all time, man falling off of a cliff: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..." - Look, Dr. Cox... - ..."Pff."

3.6. *
-Maybe you didn't understand me, there, Violet. I don't want you leaving her side, even if someone thinks they saw Justin Timberlake downstairs.

3.7. ***

- Okay! Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister doesn't mean that you can use my guest-room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades. And oh, my God, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard!?

3.7. *****
- Stunning. Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no...no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, hhhere's the deal: Don't wanna have dinner with you. Don't wanna go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, "Ohh, it's waffle time, it's waffle time, won't you have some waffles of mine?" Bottom line: we'll be bestest friends for everest, if you just keep your face out of my face!

3.7. ***
- I'll tell you what, how 'bout we head right on over there, and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, I'll let you take a free whack at my dome.

3.7. **
- Reel it in Queer Eye.

3.7. **
- But sometimes in medicine you have to just chalk it up to one of life's great mysteries, like crop circles or this gal's Adam's apple.

3.9. ***
-I do, but not here, because I'll probably just..... oh... I'm crying... and it's too late! Here I swore I wouldn't do this. Come on, Perry, get it together. Get it together. Get it to-you stop it! You stop it! You stop it! You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Huuuuah! Come on, you idiot.

3.9. *
-No you're not. I think what Captain Bedside here is trying to say is that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so it's still quite easily operable.

3.9. **
-Fine, Newbie! Let me-let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work - when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I'm a giver. And phewww, I'm off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or

four hundred hours a week, so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I wanna do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, if I'm not too sweaty from the day's labours, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight". So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

3.9. ***
-You don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you? ................You wish we were more like the Randolphs, don't you? -God save me, I do. I really do.

3.9. *
- Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? Good night, roomies.

3.11. ****
-First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops and let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous crashing undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out, and believe you me when I tell you the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.

3.12. ***
-Beyonce, you could use a lot of help. Buuuut, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.

3.12. ****
-Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat. -Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases? -Noo... I'm a good doctor.

3.12. ****

-Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.

3.12. *
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.

3.13. ****
-Newbie! It turns out I, uh, I do have some best man advice. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast. And if you're gonna chase after the bouquet with all of the other girls, make sure you kick off your pumps so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.

3.14. *
-Not a strong moment for you Polly.

3.14. *
-What's the matter with you there, Sheila? You look like Maybeline just went belly up!

3.14. **
-It was your fault. Now get the hell out.

3.14.**
-Hey, hey, Val. You know, you know what's funny? Ever since I started taking care of your patients, not one of them has died.

3.15. *****
-Lemme go ahead and tee this up for you there Anneka. We....are all going to die some day. For the lucky few of us it will be nice and fast, but for most of us it will be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.

3.15. **
-Oh, my God. Look, Abby, I didn't write to you asking for help, so if you continue on down this road, you're going to end up eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind. Signed, dealing-with-it-on-his-own, in Kansas.

3.15. ****
-Looking for streamers and a....and a marching band, because this will be the ceremonial onemillionth time I've had to shake off something that you've said. Ahh.

3.15. *
-May I ask you something, there, Judy?

3.15. *****
-Then for the last time, don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it - because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning, salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death I would still be upset that the first face I saw was yours.

3.16. ****
-Look, Carol, I know you think you look dashing in your navy blue scrubs, but I can't deal with the fact that I walk into the front door of this place and I find you standing there taaaalking at me. -All I said was "good morning". - Exactly! And who in God's name wants to hear that every day?! "Good morning." In the immortal words of Daffy Duck: I demand that you shoot me now.

3.16. *
-You know, my head's probably going to melt when I say this but, Kelso's idea wasn't half bad. Letting you run this place for a day would be a great educational experience. And, come on, let's face facts - the training bra's got to come off eventually. So...it's your show Debby. Is this moment just like you always pictured it?

3.16. **
-Sounds to me like angina. Look, Newbie, if you leave this hospital knowing only one thing and, God save me, it seems like there's a pretty good chance that just might happen - let that one thing be this: that medicine is a collaborative effort. And that means that your opinion is just as important as mine. So, let's see if you got the gobstoppers to take the lead.

3.16. **
-Um, I'm... I'm sorry, here I was in my own little world talking to myself and dreaming about candy bracelets.

3.16. **
-Look, newbie, if you go ahead and leave this hospital knowing only one thing - and God save me, it looks like there's a real chance that might happen - please let this be that one thing: I'm in charge, and I don't care about your opinion. Now go get me a cup of coffee.

3.18. **
-There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone. -Things you say when you talk to your patients.

3.18. ****
-Ahhh don't bother with that Trish, you know... I've been getting my hair cut by my barber "Big Frank" for seventeen years now, is it because his prices have remained the same? No, is it because I like the way his man breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my

sideburns? A little, yes, but mainly it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell him to do. You see, it's either my way or the highway and since you've already broken that dictum, (claps and whistles) you're out!

3.18. **
- Never stop pedalling, Annie, you're a shoe-in for the little-girl X games.

4.1. *
- Well, well, well, what do we have here? The newlyweds. Oh, and....hey Carla.

4.1. **
-Yeeeeess, milady? -So? You feeling all, like, "glahah"!? -That depends, does "glahah!" mean confused and incredibly annoyed?

4.1. *****
- I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see...eh...em.. low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, high-def T.V., the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, The O.C., the U.N., recycling, getting punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammies, the real Grammies, Jeff that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much, the Yankee's payroll, all the Red States, all the Blue States, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything everything, everything, everything, everything that exists, past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh.......and Hugh Jackman.

4.1. *
- Whyyyy, Mariska? Why do you insist on bothering me with these things?

4.1. **
- Borrow me? Dearheart, you'd be rescuing me. Newbie, you're on your own. Get used to it.

4.1. *
- That, was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

4.1. *
- Do you want me to give you my things-I-don't-care-about speech again, because you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add "izzle" to anything.

4.1. *
- Look at that. I knew I smelled that odd combination of fear and baby powder.

4.1. ****
- Good God Fantasia, you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? Do you not understand that the only difference between today and tomorrow is that when you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people then no one can say: "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering, is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger o' blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma, from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me.

4.2. **
-Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.

4.2. *****
-Barbie, you're chief resident!........ -Newbie, how are you doing.......?

4.2. ****
-Weeeeell, I figured with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty-trained Labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty-trained Labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely-passable doctor........slash Labradoodle.

4.4. **
-The answer is "yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball it was quite the display of girl power - absolutely love the leg warmers."

4.4. ****
- Hey, Peggy? Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August, and can only assume it's got something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea.

4.4. *
- Oeh, did I trick Newbie? I did, didn't I! And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when when when when when when when when?

4.4. ***
- Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!

4.5. *
-GLORIA! You're supposed to start prerounds at 7 o'clock, it's now 7.03!

4.5. ****
- Look! I know the only thing youve ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but youre supposed to be teaching these kids. So hows about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair!

4.5. **
-Dr. Cox! -Hold on. Say Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain in the ass? -No. -We didn't order any of the pain in the ass.

4.5. *
-Can you pull off manly way?

4.6. ****
- Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and pretty much doing everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners. -Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I? -Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo! Bravo, ah!

4.6. ****
- Hey, Wonder Bra? Do you, uh - do you have a second? -For what? - I'm giving you a hug...... Oh. I was wondering what that crane was for...... So now, how would you like this whole hug thing to go down? Do you wanna remain seated, would you like to stand? I, of course, don't care, as long as it's under three seconds and I don't feel your breath on my neck.

4.9. *
- Straighten up, Newbie, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

4.9. *
- Ohh, Priscilla, you are so busted!

4.9. **
- So now what, she just bats her eyes and you change your tune? Who in the hell am I kidding? Of course you fell for her act, you're the loneliest guy in this hospital!

4.9. ***
- Neena played you like the proud owner of the longest dry-streak. You know what, can I ask you a personal question? Exactly how long has it been since you've swept the stuffed animals

off of your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

4.11.**
-Hello Heather. -You'll never guess what I found on the computer! -Was it a set of adult male shoulders?

4.11. ***
-Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself, like, say, he's got a son., or he's 29-years-old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?

4.12. ****
-Newbie, 1, 2, 3... 4. My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any given room can kick your ass, and in here, the number is four.

4.12. **
-Oh, for God's sakes Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me (old man hacking)," then you'd be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of 'em would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of 'em are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan....well, turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?

4.12. ****
- Ooor, maybe we can just fill a syringe with false promises and inject him with that. Hmm, says here you already got that one covered.

4.13. **
-You two are, without a doubt, the worst co-chief residents of all time. And in case you haven't noticed, we've got ourselves one hospital chock-full of monkey interns; and, newsflash, your job is to catch whatever they're flinging. Coffee talk, ladies, is now officially over. Get your asses to work. Now.

4.13. *****
-Saaay, that was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there.....Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing! -Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.

-Did you....feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middle weight annoyance crown. - Well, you're the number one jealous...weight for the jealous weight... jealous ch-champ. -Oh he's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the most - annoying - man - in the wooooooorld! Who would have every thought! A journeyman annoyer like Dorian!

4.13. **
- I know. And your guilty anguish is - it's delicious. It's like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it's all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.

4.13. ****
- You're finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who's better than you - and I'm bettin' that ya do? - you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I'm thinkin' that's just about it. Yep. I, uh, gosh, I'm all out of speeches. I don't think I have, uh, another one on me. I... I don't. The- Oh. These are... my goodbye guns.

4.17. *
-Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkey Pox, Pop Rocks, Toilet Snakes, Madcow, Birdflu, Swineflu, and quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you're actually fornicating with the animal it's named for.

4.17. *
-Spidergirl.....

4.21. *
-Shut it, newbie. Your blacker half is trying to concentrate.

5.1. *
-Oooooh absolutely not!

5.1. ***
- This is my new imaginary warning light. Whenever it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kill someone.One, two, three, four.......seven, eight, nine, and ten. -I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap T-shirt off. -It'll happen.

5.1. **
- Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.

5.1. ****
- Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote, because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men. The women are men. The children are men. The men - of course - men! So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, Im going to take one from you.

5.1. **
-Absolutely no lovers' quarrels!

5.1. **
- Angie, my buddy down the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for...... the birth control pill. So! I will be taking one of... these. Thank you!

5.1. *
- Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr. Kellerman get worse and you wanna know something? I'd do it again.

5.1. ***
- Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys, and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the last couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-thebook attendings kill us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what type of attending you're gonna be.

5.3. *
- Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes?

5.4. ***
- You go do that aaaand, I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible.

5.4. ****
- "J.D."? -That's not even funny! -Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was....Carol.

5.4. **

- Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.

5.5. ***
-You're not invited.

5.5. *****
- Newbie, gimme a break will ya, of course you're going, as a matter of fact I'd.......I'd like you to be the boy's godfather. -I...am...honored. -I...am...lying.

5.5. ****
- Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me - the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small..........

5.5. *
-I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more h-irritating.

5.5. **
- I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or.... maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. Whatta you think there, Newbie?

5.5. **
- Yeah. You're not going.

5.5. *
-Morning sunshine! -Never, say that, again.

5.5. **
-Don't you touch my son.

5.5. ***
- There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood? - He seems fine. - I wasn't talking to him.

5.6. **
- Too much! talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much... talking.

5.6. ***
- Or... we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equals. We are, hmmm, unequals.

5.6. ***
- So, you gave her the old death sentence, did ya. In the business, we call that a rookie mistake. But thanks for playin'.

5.6. *
- Hand over your stethoscope. - What? - In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.

5.6. ****
- Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

5.6. *
- Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with.

5.7. **
- Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be: why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.

5.8. *
- Weeeeeell! If it isn't the four horsewomen of the apocalypse. There's a Morbidity and Mortality conference tomorrow morning to figure out who's responsible for Mr. Foster's death, and h-here's the exciting news. I'm pretty sure it was one of you.

5.8. ***
- Wait, wait, lemme, lemme get in on this. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow and his fatherless kids. - Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault. - No, because you were lucky. You know as well as I do it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again. Have a uh, have a swell party.

5.9. ****
- Two good reasons: his face and his personality!

5.11. ***
-It only happens when I yawn. -Noooo problem, newbie, quick, tell him a story.

5.11. ****
-You know in high school once, there was a..... *Dr Cox falls over* -Totally worth it!

5.11. ***
-Marge, the patient should not have to be braver than you.

5.12. ***
-Stellar group there, Newbie, let the torturing commence. Ooooooooh, I'm sorry, that means conversational time is o-v-e-r. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

5.12. **
-You had a life threatening doctor...... (referring to JD)

5.12. **
- Well, then you damn sure better find it, nubile one, and when you do I want it buffed, shined and de-nerdified.

5.12. ***
-Why is that screw-up still here? -You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each and every one of my interns differently... - Aaaaand, you're done. So, you accidentally drummed your friend out of here because you were trying to eighty-six the Dudemeister, eh? -That nickname will never stick. It's too long. -Listen carefully, Newbie. Things happen for a reason. Do me a favour and think back on all those mistakes that your interns made and tell me this: who made them?

5.13. *
-Would you love a virgin daiquiri? It's a normal daiquiri, I just let him give it to you.

5.15. ***
-That, and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.

-Oehhh..... -Newbie, snap out of it. I don't have time for your daydreaming.

5.15. **
- Look, Newbie, there's a reason that I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's something personal. -You can confide in me. -I'm a "good" doctor. Kelly Rippa!

5.16. **
-Red states be damned, I'm sure you're gonna make great fathers!

5.17. ****
-*To Rex* ...you've got my pager. Just know that I'm there for you, always.

5.17. *****
-What pencil?

5.19. ****
-Noooo, but since she brought you into the world, I do have a message for her uterus. Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore.

5.19. *
-Check his vitals Eva.

5.20. *
-Hey, Dr. Cox, what are you doing for lunch? -Not having it with you, Paula.

5.20. **
-Lunch for us, not going to happen. Normally, I'd tell you something harsh right about now, like "we're not friends," but then you'll just grin that stupid grin and shake your head back and forth, like "how could that possibly be true?"

5.20. *
-Aw, now what the hell, do you follow me here?

5.20. ****
-Newbie, feel like a sandwich? -I do feel like a sandwich. -You feel more like a pastry, a very doughy pastry.

5.22. **

- OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them. A cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk and you actually managing to walk past a breakfast cart without referring to cream cheese as cow fudge. However, of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, PLEASE -not- be one of them?

5.22. ****
-I'm uhh....gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

5.23. **
-Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically. -First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that.

5.23. *
- Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were gonna hear. But as always, I don't care.

6.1.**
-Oh, come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman. Shadaisy!

6.4. ***
- I can read a chart newbie, now leave, before I put a rhinestone collar around your neck, have you fixed and make you my lap doctor.

6.6. ****
-Still, you're not ne-he-hearly as bad as her. Do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don't see why not. It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug. That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex and, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex! -Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town, we got some appletinis and poured 'em on our good parts! -See now, Newbie, that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree 'cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be! So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, you wish to be my son. It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one. No, I'm not the only one...

6.6. ****
-So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane, and Sue. Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian, Suzanne and Betty-Lou. See, regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear: You're a pain in every day of every month of every year!

6.6. *

-If you want some kind of favour, really any kind of favour please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest!

6.8. ***
-Dohohorian! You have been wrong about so many things, that I'm not even gonna say something's wrong anymore. Instead, I'm going to say "it's Dorian". And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian. I mean, hell, Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy. I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.

6.11. ****
- Oh, I'd damn sure change this moment. In fact, I'd change this moment and every other moment you and I have ever had that's even remotely like this moment.

6.12. *
-Aaaaand Alice here, well.... she can turn a phrase. I assume, that because I just called you Alice, that you're now fantasising about me being the maid in the Brady Bunch.

6.15. ***
-I'm going to answer the first 2 with the same sentence: stop making dumb jokes.

6.15. **
-.......I know this reasoning's about as rational as your parents actually thinking they could raise you as a boy........

6.15. ***
- I didn't want everyone thinking about her dying every time my daughter has a birthday party. And by everyone, I mean the three of you I would actually invite to such an event. - No.

6.19. *
-Please, I'm nothing like Ross. -No, Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

6.21. ***
- Let me phrase my response in the form of a riddle. What's black and white and should never, ever, heeeeever be allowed inside of a hospital? - Oeh! Is it Lloyd and Cherisse!? Because their PDA has gotten out o' control. -And yet, you 2 still nauseate me more.

6.21. **
- I don't know, intentionally annoying you seems pretty Coxian that is the adjective version. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to step over there so that we can present a united front, against you.

6.22.**
- Jordan, here's some things I'd rather see happen than Dinkus over there becoming the godfather: a nuclear war, a sequel to Hope Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar

6.22. ***
-YOU! YOU'RE OUT AS GODFATHER!

7.1. **
-You're an annoying, whiny man-child.

7.1. **
-You're an annoying, whiny man-child.

7.1. **
- That's it! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart Who-Caresies awards, designed to honour those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives........ And the nominees are: Barbie Reid for What Am I Gonna Do About My Ex-Fiance? Dame Judy Dorian for I'm Done Self Sabotaging. Ghandi for I've Got Candy In My Teeth. The Todd for Look At My New Shirt. And the winner is...Dame Judy Dorian!

7.2. ***
- All the best there Kim, please know that the entire world is praying that the dominant genes, are yours.

7.3. ***
-You know what really sucks? -Being trapped in an elevator with you while you whine about your stupid life?

7.3. ****
-Do you think I need to grow up? -Wow... You dream your whole life about that one moment, and when it finally comes you're just...... you're just not ready for it. Here goes: The answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive never been so sure of anything in my life unequivocal, yes. And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so too. Am I right?

7.4. *
-Take that back, or I am going to shove every one of these polaroids down your throat.

7.5. *****
-Write this down instead: I, John Dorian... write it down. -I, John Dorian...

-...am a ridiculous, 32-year-old, overgrown infant. I mean, my God, two weeks ago you were asking everybody if you should grow up and here I thought you were having some big epiphany that you were gonna be more of an adult now that you have a child. My bad. Oh, and if I forgot to congratulate you, let me do that now: Way to go, we are all super proud of you.

7.5. **
-If you speak simultaneously with me again, I'm going to have to kill you.

7.8. **
- Fine, but absolutely no singing or dancing along, and I will throw my coffee at you if I catch you even once doing this. *claps fingers*

7.8. **
-Wait a minute, lemme see if I've got this right. The frontpage story about your humiliating ass-kicking doesn't bother you at all? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's trying to figure out how to be a man, and seeing the occasional poster of Paul Mitchell whenever you take him by the beauty salon isn't going to cut it.

7.8. ***
- That was a close one, wasn't it? Thank goodness your big, brave man friend was here. Sam, I wanna be real clear about this. That's your daddy, not your mommy. -How did you get Sam out of day-care? -Put on a wig and a skirt and told 'em I was you.

7.11. ***
-What is it? And make it quick so you don't bore me. -A few months ago Elliot and I almost kissed, but now she's saying.... -Oh well, you tried your best, now leave me alone.

7.11. *
-You're an idiot.

8.1. ***
- Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide slash homicide watch. -Do I know this intern? - Intimately.

8.1. **
-So, this intern that you mentioned..... earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty amazing doctor, didn't he? -Actually, it was a she. - It wasn't me?

- Oh, no, it was you. It was you.

8.5. ****
-Thoughts on the beard? -I like it. -Thank you Perry. -Of course I'm totally in favour of anything that covers up parts of your face that were previously uncovered.

8.6. ****
-Oh my God, how do you not get that I will never ever care about your pasty white love life. I only brought it up because I noticed that Barbie wasn't here at work today and I was hoping that your relationship with her had already gone so far south that you'd killed her and buried her deep in a wooded area, and that soon you would be carted off for the aforementioned crime of pasty, white passion.

8.6. *
-What can I say, I just wish you were at home with her.

8.7. *
-Didn't you see your name on the never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever's list?

8.7. ****
-We're cool. -No, we are not cool. -Is it because...... -And no, we're not supercool. Look, you seem to think that just because I have this new job, that suddenly I don't realise that the patients come first. That I have somehow forgotten what matters. For the love of God I taught you what matters! You arrogant, pretentious, selfrighteous little jackass!

8.7. *
-And you, get the hell out of my office!

8.8. ***
- Plus, if you don't treat him, then he gets to go home -not- smelling like cocoa butter.

8.8. ****
- Don't get me wrong, I still want you to be a big part of Craig's treatment team. Say hum, Craig? Is there anything you want Dr. Puberty Beard to go get for you? - A root beer, please. - Nice to have you on board.

8.8. ***

-I can control the words you say. Say something annoying. -I just...... -Tadaaaa!

8.12. ****
-Look, Tammy, we don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the ridiculous museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people that you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in, and then after awhile of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out, and BANG! That's when you show up at their house and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them. And here's the kicker, when everyone's trying to resubscribe.. you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. I'm predicting, and this is a low end guesstimate, you're looking at about a hundred million dollars a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. BUT, until then, you go tell Carla, it ain't happening.

8.12. **
-Hi. Eavesdropping. Now, I'm not exactly clear on the details, but, from what I could gather, my new promotion and subsequent interaction with you seems to have caused a rift in your relationship. And, well, quite frankly, I think it's fantastic.

8.16. ****
-Why are you stretching? -Because, Barbie, I'm just so very happy that I'm gonna try something I haven't done since high school. BACKFLIP!

8.16. **
-So, with the new job, do you think you'll be able to keep the romance going? -I don't think it should be that hard. -I was talking to them. (Turk and JD) -Hilarious. -You mean to tell me you're interested in Newbie that way too?

8.18. ***
-In my mind, you're the one who made me the man I am today. -You can't blame me for that.

8.18. *****
-Dr Cox, I want something from you. -I know you do Newbie, and I have been searching through this wonderful book that you gave me, trying to find the exact right speech to share with you. But alas, there's nothing in here on "Barking Up the Wrong Tree" or even a "Turn Back Now Because This Doesn't End Well for

You" section, soow, I'm gonna have to go ahead and wing it. Let's see what happens. Newbie, I know that you want this to be a very special day for the both of us. I get that, I truly do. You want feelings to be shared, you want hugs to flow. But that is not now, nor has it ever been who I am, and you know that. So I'm real sorry there Newbie, but this is not a special day for me, it's just...... a day.

8.18. **
-I....... implore you, paalease do the one thing that I am beyond confident that you know how to do. Nothing. Do nothing. It is the patient's decision.

8.18. *
-I'm going to go ahead and jot that down as one of the most fascinating titbits of the day.

8.18. ***
-Thank you for everything Dr Cox. -Keep moving!