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Dr. Mind Detergent, Esquire

These are hard times financially. The federal reserve is deflating the value of our money on purpose and giving all the resulting proceeds to fat cat bankers in foreign countries. As a result, there are a lot of unemployed scientists laying on the couch with nothing to do. It gets very depressing watching soap operas all day with your hand down your pants, drinking cheap Hamm's beer, smoking weed with your dog, and waiting for the first image of a mushroom cloud to appear on CNN. It gets really boring after awhile. What is needed in a situation like this is a little assertiveness training. Making one's own H-bomb is really taking the bull by the horns. Once achieved, expect to make lots of money, get lots of job offers, and win the respect of the entire neighborhood. And you will be quite surprised how politely people begin to treat you.

It's calledtaking charge. Nuclear power was invented by God, thus it is good, and was therefore meant to be possessed by all human beings, on an individual basis. But for this to happen, a new technology must be developed which will allow even individuals whom may be a little short in the wallet to join the nuclear club. It is only a matter of will and determination, not finances or connections, that can lead to a successful H-bomb construction.

Sure, even mentioning that such a technology could be developed may eventually result in the complete destruction of planet Earth and the end of all life, but if it means protecting the American way of life, I'm willing to take that chance. No risk, no reward. Whether you intend to provide your neighborhood a little extra protection against crime, or maybe sell your technology to the governments or to concerned citizen groups, H-bomb production is certainly highly valued, prestigeous and lucrative as hell. 1. Finances and Timeline
The nuclear weapons technology I will sketch out in this self-help manual ought to be achievable for less than $100,000 if one is initially unequipped, but probably could be achieved for less than $5,000 if you happen to know someone that works in a medical lab or even better, a researcher at a university, and you play your cards right. That's a lot of bang for the buck if you think about it. Probably just a few college classes in biological sciences or biochemistry is all one would really need to effectively understand and even carry out the necessary research. If one works really hard, expect to take as little as two years to develop and mobilize your neighborhood's nuclear forces. However, if you know someone learned about genetic engineering and biochemistry, then it could possibly take less than six months. An intermediate knowledge of physics would also be helpful. Now this is still a somewhat technical approach, but far less difficult to understand than the traditional, overly-complicated and expensive engineering approach to building an H-bomb. I think we can do much better. You will need the participation of a scientist, but small groups, such as your neighborhood association, can at last now financially afford their own nuclear arsenal. And a good one at that. H-bombs having explosive yields in excess of 500 megatons ought to be possible.

The Bacterial Mutual Assured Nuclear Destruction System, or for short, the BATMAN system, is an international distributed system for assuring that all neighbors treat themselves politely and with mutual respect. BATMAN will be delocalized, and available to nearly all citizens wherever in the world they may be. Unlike the foolish policies of the past, like the restrictive and silly policy of non-proliferation that caused more problems than it solved, the idea behind the BATMAN system is that nuclear weapons technology would better serve mankind if a policy of complete proliferation was followed instead. Every person on Earth should have access to their own H bomb arsenal. Such a policy promises to bring about great improvements in interpersonal relations, and a more caring and fair world, and one without energy problems. In this emerging picture, no person will actually know who has access to an H bomb and who does not. No person shall be quite sure who is a member or not a member of a group that has an H bomb. Surely, this world is about to become a lot more polite and caring.

The BATMAN system is a biological system for constructing a nuclear H bomb in-place and consists of three main aspects: Aspect 1: Bioleaching of naturally occurring Uranium-235 from very diffuse sources (without the need for Uranium mines). refinement of U-235 using the enzymatic isotope effect. this solves the world energy problem and war. Aspect 2: Uranium-235 recovery through chemotaxis. Possibly exocytosis depending on strain used. Aspect 3: Rapid removal of shielding from bins containing Uranium235 nuggets allowing critical mass to be reached, thereby causing hydrogen atoms to fuse and the H bomb goes boom.