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Takut ditolak cewek adalah ketakutan irasional Fear of rejection is the:

Irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and how I act. Pervasive motivator for caution in my behavior and interactions with others. State of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval.

State of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval, recognition, or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly concerned with the reactions of others to them. Self-censoring attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity, and imagination in one's approach.

Driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress,

talk, think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the ``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.

Underlying process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.

Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and selfdestructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.

Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.

Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel

about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my own life.

What common behavior patterns exist for people who operate out of a fear of rejection? People who operate out of a fear of rejection: Display little or no assertiveness. Do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.

Function as enablers. They have neither the courage nor the ability to assist others in discontinuing self-destructive behavior, e.g., alcohol or drug abuse, underachievement or workaholism.

Lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy the behavior in which they are involved.

Resort to passive/aggressive behavior; that is dishonest, sneaky, and allows for no open communication.

Play games with people. They will keep their personal feelings hidden. They are in tune with what is in and make every effort to emulate it in their lives.

Privately express a great deal of anger or depression over how unfortunate and unhappy their current lifeBstyle is. Yet, when helped to look at alternatives involving confrontation with others, they take a ``yes, Y but'' attitude.

Are confused as to their true identity, wearing ``masks'' to please others.

Become so obsessed with functioning, looking, and acting in a ``prescribed'' manner that they become rigid, inflexible, and closed to alternative behavior. This is true even if they are unhappy in the lifeBstyle they hold to so rigidly.

Are dishonest with themselves, so much so that it carries over into their interactions with others and they become habitual liars.

How do others react to people who operate out of a fear of rejection?

People who care for the person who operates out of fear of rejection:

* Encourage the person to be more assertive. * Plead with the person to change their style of life and to become true to themselves. * Recognize the lies and find it hard to trust the integrity and honesty of the person. * Become turned off to the person's behavior, which they know to be unreal. * Become frustrated when their offers of help to the person continuously go ignored. * Find themselves asking the person how they are feeling in fear that they will tell them. * Become nervous around the person, afraid that their discomfort with the person's unfortunate choice of life style will be misread as rejection or disapproval. * Find it difficult to carry on a normal conversation with the person because the problems emanating out of fear of rejection are, sadly, always evident. * Recognize that the person for whom they care is in a self-defeating, dead-end cycle.

* Begin to avoid the person so much so that it looks like an out and out rejection of the person for whom they care.

Result: The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up pushing away the very friends, family, and helpers who care for him. The pulling away of these caring ones appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative results.

Those whom the person fears being rejected by:

* Take the person for granted. * Do not recognize that he is making great sacrifices to be accepted by them. * Ignore the rights of the person. * Apply pressure consciously or unconsciously for the person to continue to conform to their desires or wishes. * Play on guilt feelings and press for ``their way'' so that ``awful'' consequences can be avoided. * Are unaware that the person fears their rejection and do not take this person seriously.

* Ignore the input or ideas of the person and never incorporate the person into their inner circle. * Find it humorous how the person bends over backwards to please them. * Manipulate the person to do a multitude of favors for them and are ready to dump the person once the favors become unnecessary. * Openly reject the person once they have ``used'' him and have no further use for him. Often they'll reject him once he gets up the nerve to confront them about how they really feel about him.

Result: The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up being rejected by the very people from whom he fears rejection.

What are some underlying causes for operating out of a fear of rejection?

People who act out of a fear of rejection may:

* Lack healthy self-concepts, self-worth, or self-esteem because they were never fully affirmed in their families of origin. * Have had a traumatic experience of rejection, for example, in a divorce or

separation that deeply scarred them. * Be bound up in irrational thinking and realize that this behavior is neither rational nor necessary. * Have lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they really were. * Be insecure in their personal identity, with a debilitating lack of self-confidence. * Have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement. * Lack the social skills to adapt to a reference group. * Have suffered from social isolation in their early lives. * Lack certain personal accomplishments, which they feel set them apart and which contribute to their lack of self-confidence. * Be unaware that they are operating out of a fear of rejection and may even deny it if it is pointed out to them. * Have a physical condition that they believe makes them unattractive to others. * Have been told all their life that they were ``second best'' or different.

Steps to overcome the fear of rejection

Step 1: Read through the material in this chapter and decide whether or not you operate out of a fear of rejection.

Step 2: Identify in your journal the person(s) from whom you fear rejection.

The people whose rejection I fear include:

Step 3:Identify in your journal how your fear of rejection is displayed in your behavior toward the people you identified in Step 2.

The behavior patterns reflecting my fear of rejection include:

Step 4: Identify in your journal healthy, productive, and rational alternative behavior patterns to those identified in Step 3.

Alternative behavior patterns to those coming from my fear of rejection include:

Step 5: Identify in your journal what the consequences would be of using the alternative behavior patterns listed in Step 4.

The consequences of using alternative behavior patterns would be:

Step 6: Identify in your journal what obstacles, other than your fear of rejection, exist in your adopting the alternative behavior listed in Step 4.

The obstacles that block my adopting the alternative behavior in Step 4 include:

Step 7: Analyze the obstacles listed in Step 6 and identify in your journal whether they are irrational beliefs or actual obstacles to change. If they are irrational beliefs use the Tools for Coping Series refutation of irrational beliefs, in Tools for Personal Growth. If the obstacles are not irrational beliefs use the five dimensional problem-solving model found in Productive Problem Solving, to find alternatives to rid yourself of these obstacles.

Step 8: Implement alternate behavior patterns not based on a fear of rejection.

Step 9: If you still have problems and are operating out of a fear of rejection,

return to Step 1 and begin again. A professional or objective helper may be necessary to guide you. APA PENOLAKAN ITU SAKIT RASANYA?

THE GIST Being socially rejected doesnt just feel bad. It hurts.

THE SOURCE Social Rejection Shares Somatosensory Representations With Physical Pain, by Ethan F. Kross, Marc G. Berman, Walter Mischel, Edward E. Smith and Tor D. Wager; published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

NOBODY would deny that being ostracized on the playground, mocked in a sales meeting or broken up with over Twitter feels bad. But the sting of social rejection may be more like the ouch! of physical pain than previously understood.

New research suggests that the same areas in the brain that signify physical pain are activated at moments of intense social loss. When we sat around and thought about the most difficult emotional experiences, we all agreed that it doesnt get any worse than social rejection, said the studys lead author, Ethan F. Kross, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan.

The image of a bunch of social scientists inflicting pain on laboratory volunteers seems creepily Mengelian, but in this case the experiments involved were markedly

less cruel. First off, the subjects werent socially rejected by the laboratory technicians each of the 40 volunteers was recruited specifically because he or she felt intensely rejected as a result of a recent (unwanted) breakup.

Once in the lab, participants were hooked up to functional M.R.I. scanners, which measure brain activity. They were then asked to look at photos of their former lovers and brood over a specific rejection experience involving that person. (Sob.) Later, they were asked to look at a photograph of a friend and to think about a recent positive experience they had with that person.

On to more fun! Next was the physical pain component, also in two parts. First, participants experienced noxious thermal stimulation on their left forearms (the hot trial), simulating the experience of spilling hot coffee on themselves. Then, they underwent a second, nonnoxious thermal stimulation (the warm trial). Technicians monitored their brain activity to see which areas lighted up.

Lo and behold, bad breakups and hot coffee elicited a similar response in the brain, at least as measured by fMRI machines.

Previous research had shown that while social rejection hurt, it did not activate parts of the brain associated with physical distress. But this team found that when the emotional pain was awful enough, those parts of the brain were affected as

well, and in equal part. According to the authors, the emotional pain simulated in previous experiments (being told a stranger dislikes them, looking at rejectionthemed paintings) wasnt powerful enough to elicit a true-to-life response. We were shocked because no prior research had demonstrated this same connection, Dr. Kross said.

What the team doesnt yet know is what region of the body feels the physical pain or whether its diffused. And while people have long taken painkillers to cope with emotional distress, theres no telling, in this instance, whether a Tylenol can help.

Dealing with rejection - How to get past the hurt?

Dealing with rejection is something we've all had to face in our lifetimes, but there is probably no rejection that hurts worse than that of the opposite sex. I think some of the worst words in the English language are, "you're not my type" or " I don't like you like that." I have faced rejection a couple of times so I speak from experience when I say rejection can leave you feeling devastated.

I remember when I was in high school and I really liked this girl that lived across the street from me. In many ways, I look at her as my first love. I spent a lot of time hanging out with this girl, trying to get her to like me. I thought deep in my heart that the feelings I had for her were mutual. After all, she seemed to care for me as much as I did for her, but as I would later find out, the relationship was very one sided.

No matter the type of rejection you are suffering, be it personal from other sources, such as the rejection of a manuscript from a publisher, there are simple steps you can take in dealing with rejection and getting past the hurt.

There is an end to the pain. The problem with rejection is that it hurts and depending on the circumstances, it may take a while to get over. What you tell yourself is what you will believe, so tell yourself that no matter what, you are going to get through this and move on. It is always helpful to focus on the end of the hurt and pain rather than focusing on the pain itself. There is some truth to the old adage of dusting yourself off and getting back on the horse that threw you. Focusing on the rejection and the hurt only strengthens the pain.

Don't take it personally. This is probably the hardest thing to do because, of course, most people take rejection personally. I know when my first love rejected me, I spent a long time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Then I realized maybe it was not me that was at the center of the rejection! Perhaps I was not the type person she felt herself led to be with in a relationship other than friendship. So try not to take it personally when you're rejected: it may not have anything to do with you!

Learn and move on. Truthfully, the only way to get over rejection is to learn from the rejection and move on. Being rejected by someone is not the end of anything; it is the beginning of learning. We need to take the time and effort to work out for ourselves the reason or reasons we were rejected in the first place. This will give us the necessary information we need to overcome the rejection so we can move on.

I was still very close to the girl who rejected me. I talked to her about why she rejected me and found out that I was a little tame for her liking. This information helped me to see the rejection for what it was: a difference in our value systems. I was able to move on with my life. Confronting the person

who rejected you doesn't always work. If you feel approaching your rejecter would lead to more problems, you shouldn't do it.
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Turn rejection into acceptance. I can assure you the pain does lesson and the hurt does go away if you let it. You must turn the rejection into an acceptance of yourself for who you are and not what you feel the other person wants you to be. Do not try to change yourself only to impress someone else because eventually you may come to resent it. Sooner or later someone will accept you as the person you are and will feel the same way about you that you feel about them. It only takes time and patience.

To sum it all up, dealing with rejection and getting past the hurt is not easy, but it can be done. You need to get up, learn from the experience, and move on with your life. It is that simple but also that complicated. I can tell you from experience that there are times I still look back and wonder, "what if?" Then, I look at where I am now and think to myself, "I really would not change a thing!"

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Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

There is something wrong with you.

You are disliked.

You will never change.

You do not belong in this group.

You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

You are not one of us.

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

That is right! Your response to rejection, the power it exacts, or does not exact over you is a CHOICE. I hope this article empowers you today by the knowledge that you can be completely unscathed by what is otherwise a very ego damaging experience simply by choosing not to internalize the negative message you have received.

Rejection assigns blame; it is by assigning blame that the party, who is rejecting the other party, is able to feel absolved and free of any responsibility to work on the relationship or situation. You (what you did, who you are, or what you did not do), is the focus of rejection and the means by which the blame it assigns is expressed.

This is why when coaching clients in effective communication techniques, I generally encourage them to avoid the word YOU when issues arise and effective

and assertive communication is needed.

To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful. In doing so, you reduce your feeling of aloneness. As you face your fears, and share the emotions provoked by your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar storiesmaybe worse. This is very vital in turning the tide of being rejected, suddenly your focus shifts from you, and what you may, or may not have done, to the knowledge that rejection is just an experience like any other negative experience. It is not about you, because if it was, there would not be so many others with similar stories, or worse.

Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.

For anyone dealing with rejection, it is frequently not what was done, but how it was done, what was said, and how the entire situation played out that ultimately results in that sense of unworthiness. To overcome feeling rejected, you must detach yourself from these memories of your experience and instead attach yourself to the reality of your unknown potential.

How do you stop feeling that you earned the rejection you received because of some fault in your personality, or deficiencies in your physical attributes, or because you could not be all you were expected to be? Here is a little exercise: jot down on a piece of paper, all the reasons for which you suspect, or maybe have even been told, that you were not worthy of love or acceptance. Which of these reasons detract from the uniqueness of who you are, the mysteries of your intrinsic gifts and talents, and most important, the potential you have for change? If your answer was None, then my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do. Be empowered today, knowing that you deserved that chance to evolve, to work on your potential, and you deserved the chance to do it a non-judgmental environment.

Understanding the mechanisms of rejection and knowing that it is never, and I

repeat, never warranted or earned are the most fundamental keys to safeguarding your self esteem and sense of self worth. This is a choice. You have to make a choice about how you are going to understand the messages of rejection you receive everyday, and how you are going to, or not going to, integrate these messages into your psyche.

If you are struggling with rejection as a result of a divorce, childhood abuse/neglect, discrimination, repeated failures, or any other acts of betrayal you may need the help of a therapist to most effectively apply the techniques discussed in this article. Group therapy is particularly helpful. Initial one-to-one therapy may be necessary to prepare you for group work. Remember that facing your fears, expressing and sharing your experience, no matter how shameful, is vital in overcoming the aloneness that rejection creates and which sustains its impact.

Make a choice today to focus on the dynamic you and your untapped potential and you will be unscathed by any experiences of rejection.

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Human nature is very complex. Men have learned to be strong, competitive and courageous in times of danger. History has shown that we are able to conquer our fears and reach our goals -- as long as our will, conviction and desire are present.

Mankind has overcome the hardships of war and natural disasters. Yet there is one natural fear that seems to overshadow most men: the fear of rejection. This instinctive emotion paralyzes and hinders us from doing the things we really want to do, including meeting women. Some men are so afraid of rejection that they would rather run through a minefield than walk up to a woman and ask her out on a date.

The need to feel desirable and part of a group is inevitable, and some people will place themselves in extreme circumstances just to preserve that feeling of belonging. A good example is when teenagers take their first haul of a cigarette due to peer pressure and fear of rejection. But there is a very simple way to overcome this crippling emotion: Develop a greater fear of regret.

My father hit the nail on the head when he told me that I wouldn't regret the times that I made a complete fool of myself, but rather the times that I didn't try something out of fear. I learned that valuable lesson way back in my early 20s. I had a crazy crush on this sweet girl, but I was too concerned with rejection to ask her out.

A few years later, I bumped into her at a friend's party and found out that she also used to have a thing for me. I finally let her know that I'd had a crush on her, to which she replied, "Why didn't you do or say anything?" Wouldn't you know it -a question I ask myself constantly. Of course, it was too late because she had already gotten married. I hope my misfortune will encourage more men to spring into action and let go of this ridiculous inhibition.

you're not her type Most men fear rejection because it lowers their self-esteem. But there is really no reason to lose any confidence when women say "no" because they aren't really rejecting you. How could they be rejecting you when they don't even know what you're all about? It's not like they studied your personality and qualities before deciding to refuse you. Maybe they declined your offer because:

They're dating someone or married.

They're having a bad day. They like you, but have their protective shield up. They don't feel like talking to anyone -- even Brad Pitt.

The important thing to remember is that no one in this world can appeal to everyone's tastes. Each woman has her preferences, so if she rejects you, it just means that you don't fit the description of what she desires. You should approach as many women as possible in order to increase your chances of finding one that is looking for a guy like you.

true rejection If you think that women who reject your drink offers or date requests are frightening, you don't know what true rejection is about. Once a man sees what true rejection is, he realizes how childish it is to fear approaching unfamiliar women.

True rejection occurs when a woman rejects a man with whom she has spent a considerable amount of time. It is the ultimate rejection because the man is dismissed due to his all-around identity.

One of my good friends had his heart ripped out by his fiance, who left him after

six years of what he thought was a wonderful relationship -- now that's rejection. In fact, you would think that his self-esteem took a beating and that he has a hard time approaching women, but he talks to new women all the time. I asked him how he does it and he explained that once you get the ultimate rejection, everything else is like a walk in the park. I always had a "fear of rejection" until I decided to overcome it, especially after I witnessed what true rejection is all about. All you have to do is start up a conversation and the rest will fall into place. I don't mean corny pickup lines; I mean an honest conversation. Here are some suggestions.

Once you notice the "buying signals" (eye contact, touching hair, and so on), walk directly up to her and introduce yourself. You can start by asking if you can join her for a drink. If she says yes, ask her name. If she's interested, she'll ask the same. If she doesn't ask, it's not the end of the world; just keep the lines of communication open.

Keep the conversation interesting; focus on her and really listen to what she says. Then, follow up with another question that links with what she just finished saying. For example:

You: "Do you have a job?"

Her: "Yes and I'm also studying."

You: "Wow, you're a busy woman!"

Her: "Yes, there are days when I feel like I'm just going to collapse."

You: "I bet you're looking forward to a vacation?"

Her: "Oh yes, I just can't wait to get away for a while."

You: "And what would your ideal vacation spot be?"

This is just one example of many possible conversations. The idea is to listen to her and follow up with a correlating question. When this method is properly applied, it will keep the conversation interesting.

close the deal Most men make the mistake of carrying on a conversation without closing the deal; that is, they don't ask for the woman's phone number. Here are a couple of ways to broach the "phone number" subject.

"I had a great time talking with you and I'd like to see you again. Why don't you give me your number so that we can do this again?"

"You're really easy to talk to, can I have your number so that we can talk again sometime?"

fear not The next time you get the big "No thanks," just remember that it's not the end of the world). Women who refuse you are just strangers who have no idea what a nice guy you are. So straighten up those shoulders and move on to the next woman that catches your eye.