Facts and Fiction about the Hymen

2007 Rutgers Nisso Groep, The Netherlands All rights preserved.

Across the globe people have many ideas and opinions about the hymen and virginity. These ideas and opinions differ greatly depending on the country, culture and religion. It can be confusing to hear so many conflicting stories about the hymen and virginity. What should you believe? Some of these stories are simply passed on by grandmothers, aunts and uncles, and fathers and mothers to their daughters, sons, cousins, and nephews and nieces. They are sometimes true, but sometimes not at all. Maybe because these relatives themselves did not get the right information at a certain point. We made this brochure to make sure you do. The brochure gives information about the meaning of virginity and about the hymen. We will also explain that the two have, in fact, nothing to do with each other. This statement may surprise you and you may even find it hard to believe. But please read on, because this brochure gives you the actual facts.

The hymen and virginity have nothing to with each other!

Samira (17) "It was my aunt who explained to me about menstruation, the hymen, virginity, marriage vows, and so on. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it explaining. It was nothing but rules of behaviour that I had to stick to. It really frightened me and I sort of decided that I would never marry. When I turned 16 I went to live with my married sister, who is a nurse. She told me very different stories. She told me about the facts and fiction you can also read in this brochure. I have to tell you I feel very relieved now. I still don't know whether I want to marry or not, but that's no longer because of my aunt's scary stories."

What is the hymen?

First something about the name, hymen. Many people believe it is a membrane, which is inaccurate and confusing. The hymen is in fact not a membrane. That term would suggest that it closes off the entrance to the vagina. Obviously that is not possible, otherwise your menstrual blood could not come out through your vagina. Then what is it? The hymen is a rim of tissue at the opening of the vagina. This rim can be smooth or ribbed or crenated. In some girls it can be very flexible, in others more rigid or taut. Girls can try to feel their own hymen by gently feeling the entrance to their vagina with their finger. However, if you happen to have a very flexible rim, you will probably not feel anything. Only on very rare occasions does the hymen close off the vagina. This is a medical problem that can be solved with minor surgery. It also happens that girls are born without this rim of tissue. The facts about the hymen: it is not a membrane, but a rim, and it does not close off the vagina; the rim can have different shapes: smooth or crenated, thick or thin; it allows menstrual blood to pass.

What is virginity?
Everyone, boys and girls alike, is born a virgin. Someone who is a virgin has never had sex with someone else. Everyone agrees on that. But now you know that the hymen does not prove whether or not you have had sex. Opinions differ as to the kind of sex that causes you to lose your virginity. Do you lose it only with sexual intercourse, when the boy's penis enters your vagina? Or also with anal sex? And what about touching your partner's genitals with your mouth? Which kind of sex does not cause you to lose your virginity is something people think very differently about and is often connected with ideas held within a specific culture or religion. However, what everybody does agree on, is that you remain a virgin when you have sex with yourself (solo sex; also called masturbation). By having solo sex you get to know your body well and discover what you like. Kinds of sex Solo sex Kissing and feeling up Oral sex (touching vagina/penis with mouth) Anal sex (penis in anus) Vaginal sex (penis in vagina) Losing virginity? no no differs per person/culture/tradition differs per person/culture/tradition yes

Only you should decide which kind of sex you (don't) want to engage in. Never do anything against your or your partner's will.

Miriam (aged 17): "I'm not ready for sexual intercourse yet, I want to remain a virgin. My boyfriend however wants to have sex. His friends told him the solution: anal sex! According to them many boys and girls do it this way, so that you can remain a virgin. I think it's an odd point of view. Because the penis penetrates something else, they think it is less bad. And even if they were right (which they are not), I still wouldn't do it. I shudder at the idea. If someone feels like it, they should go ahead, but I won't, not on your life. My friend was disappointed. Well, too bad for him."

Ideas on virginity
As you know, many people believe that virginity and the hymen have everything to do with each other. They were told this and they still believe it. However, it does not mean these ideas are correct. That is why we discuss the medical facts. In some religions, cultures or traditions, virginity must be kept until marriage. It nearly always applies to girls as well as boys. Yet more is demanded from girls in this respect. Girls who behave the same way as boys with regard to sex are usually condemned more harshly. Boys who have sex are often considered to be cool, while girls who have sex are considered sluts. Is that fair? Surely not! Carmen (aged 23): "I'm the only girl in our family. I have three older brothers. They are nice boys, but sometimes they drive me mad. When I was still living at home, they were always on my case. They were nearly stricter with me than my parents. If I had a boyfriend, they even checked up on me now and then. It also made my boyfriends nervous. But whenever my brothers had girlfriends, I minded my own business, didnt I? And by the way, I was well-behaved. I understand that they wanted to protect me from nasty things like unwanted pregnancy, but I can look after myself. I'm glad that I live on my own now and that I am responsible for my own life."

What do you chose for in a relationship? - no kissing or cuddling and no sex before marriage; - kissing and cuddling only; - all kinds of sex, such as anal or oral sex, but no sexual intercourse (penis in vagina); - all kinds of sex, including sexual intercourse. If you seriously think about what you want, it will also be easier to make it clear to someone else. You can stick to the rules of your family, culture or religion because you feel good about them. You can also chose a different, freer way of life, but not tell your family. For example, for fear of destroying the contact, or out of respect for the ideas held by your family. However, you can also chose to take responsibility for your own life and do what you want to do with regard to sex. The latter choice may influence your relationship with your family. It is important that you make the choice you feel most comfortable with. Whichever kind of sex you chose, it is important you are aware of the risks of attracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection). Always practise safe sex, even if it is oral or anal sex. When the penis penetrates the vagina during sexual intercourse you also run the risk of getting pregnant. You can find further information on this topic under the heading What is safe sex?

Bleeding, or not
It is common in some families for a girl to show a blood-stained cloth after her first wedding night. This is considered irrefutable proof that she was still a virgin. If she cannot show it, she must have had sex with a boy before. The hymen must have been "torn" some other time. This is not correct. You can bleed because you were very tense and you and your partner did not take enough time or did not do it gently enough. It sometimes happens that the hymen is a bit tight and the penis pushes against it. Then the rim of tissue may start to bleed. You may even bleed the second or third time you have sex. That does not mean you are a super virgin. Maybe your hymen is really tight or you should take more time until the vagina is really moist. Research shows that many girls do not bleed during their first time. That blood-stained cloth may keep up a tradition, however it does not say anything about your being a virgin or not.

Malika (aged 23): "I wasn't a virgin when I married. It was a deliberate choice. Still my husband and I agreed that we would stick to the traditions of our families. Or let me put it this way: we would fake it. It makes no sense at all, but after our first wedding night we showed our families a cloth with some blood on it. Maybe it isn't right or fair. I'd rather have done it differently, but I know our families are not open to it. Thank god our children won't have to put on such charades when they marry."

So

with regard to bleeding: many girls do not bleed the first time they have sex with a boy; some girls do bleed the first time they have sex with a boy; whether or not a girl bleeds the first time doesn't have anything to do with her being a virgin or not.

Tricks to make you bleed!

Some girls absolutely want to bleed on their wedding night. Maybe because they want to show their family a blood-stained cloth. Maybe because they want to show their husband they are still a virgin, even if in fact they are not. Some girls are virgins, but at the same time they are terribly worried it will be questioned if they do not bleed. They are afraid they will be falsely accused of not being a virgin. In order to prevent this they look for ways to make sure they bleed on their wedding night. There are all kinds of creative solutions: from nicking a finger to inserting a capsule containing a red liquid in the vagina. Some girls ask their doctors for a hymen reconstruction operation. The next section goes into this. However, remember these are all solutions that keep up the fiction that you should bleed the first time you have sex.

What is a reconstruction operation?

The term "reconstruction operation" is inaccurate. The hymen is not a membrane that can be damaged, but a flexible rim of tissue at the opening of your vagina. So there is nothing to reconstruct. In a reconstruction operation, the rim of tissue at the opening of the vagina is tightened. This narrows the entrance to the vagina, which increases the chance of bleeding during sexual intercourse. Sometimes a more major operation is performed which is said to increase even further the chance of bleeding. But neither operation ensures that you will bleed when the penis penetrates your vagina.

Amina (aged 18): "To me it is very important that I marry as a virgin. Sure, I dont mind making out with my boyfriend, but I dont want go to bed with him yet. To me its not about the hymen question, but rather that I want to save it as something special for the wedding night. I know you dont necessarily bleed the first time you go to bed with a boy. This emphasis on blood seems quite ritualistic to me. I hear from girlfriends that there are ways to make sure you do bleed on your wedding night. That's something I would never do."

A declaration of virginity?
Can a doctor determine whether a girl is still a virgin or not? No, a doctor can almost never determine whether or not a girl has ever had a penis in her vagina. You may wonder why then they sometimes still write a declaration of virginity. They do so to protect a girl from her family (to be). For some reason the family has doubts about her sexual behaviour. They want to have tangible proof of her virginity. Sometimes a doctor plays along so that the girl does not get in trouble.

Yasmina (aged 21): "I had a boyfriend for a while, Hilal. At the time I secretly hoped that we would get married. When we were dating we only kissed a little. I didn't want to go further. Out of the blue Hilal told me that his parents expected a declaration of virginity before we got get married. He also felt it was important as proof. Whether he really thought this or didnt dare to go against his family, I don't know. But I felt very humiliated. They shouldn't have doubted me. Although it pained me no end, I broke up with him. It is very important to me that you trust each other.

Three oft-heard tales about virginity

1. Being deflowered through exercising or the use of tampons You can never lose your virginity through exercising or the use of tampons. You only lose your virginity if you have sex with a boy. What can happen, however, it that the hymen (that rim of tissue) is slightly stretched, for example through the use of tampons. But you already know that the hymen has nothing to do with your virginity. So even if the rim were to stretch slightly, nothing would be the matter. And all sports are well and truly harmless, so keep practising whichever you enjoy! Ingrid (aged 16): I once read that exercising could tear your hymen. I practise judo three times a week, and rather fanatically so. I thought that because of this I probably wouldn't have to deal with the whole hymen issue during my first time, and I liked that. But I was disappointed. When the time came that I had sex with Tim for the first time, I found it quite scary. I froze up and couldn't relax at all. It felt rough and it hurt as well. In fact, it didn't go well at all and we should have stopped. Later I saw a bit of blood in the sleeping bag. I now know it resulted from my being tense and that it had nothing to do with my hymen. Fortunately I'm much more relaxed now and we have great sex". 2. A boy can feel whether a girl is still a virgin Boys who claim they can feel if you are still a virgin dont know what they are talking about. If even a doctor can hardly determine, if at all, if a girl is a virgin, then how can a boy? However, a boy can feel if the girl is scared or tense. In such cases she may subconsciously contract her vagina, causing the entrance to the vagina to feel tighter. If this is the case, it is best to experiment together how you can have sex that is pleasant for both. Rick (aged 22): "The other day a friend of mine claimed that during sex he could feel if a girl was still a virgin. I doubled over in laughter. How can he think this if even a doctor can hardly determine it during an examination? I made it clear to him that he'd better practise a lot to become a better lover. I think he is rather selfish and only focuses on his own pleasure. Because that's the crux, isn't it, when there are problems with sex? You simply have to take your time and make sure you both want it very much, then everything goes smoothly. 3. A boy has to use more force if it is the girl's first time You still hear these tales that boys have to use more force if it is the girl's first time. If you think that, you still have a lot to learn about sex. The penis does not have to push its way through anything, it only enters the vagina. Because of tension the vagina may feel tight. For a boy to use more force then, is totally wrong. The tissue inside the vagina is very delicate and can be damaged. It is extremely painful, and that cannot be the intention, can it? So take it slowly the first time and wait until the vagina is moist enough and proceed from there. In this way it will be great for the both of you.

Rachid (aged 17): "All those stories about deflowering made me feel pretty insecure. Penetration, pain, blood, using force; you hear so many things. Not really something to look forward to. First I thought: "What the hell, Ill just push ahead and be done with it. Then I found that I couldnt, because I like my girlfriend too much. So I brought up the subject and it turned out that she felt frightened too. From then on it was easier: we made love very carefully. It did not hurt and she did not bleed. We both felt relieved. My advice: don't listen to all those tough stories, they're just not true."

What is safe sex?

Practising safe sex means: - in a safe atmosphere; when you both want it and nothing happens against your will; - that you are protected against pregnancy; - that you are protected against STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and AIDS. A safe atmosphere Nobody should do to you or with you anything that you have not agreed to or which makes you feel uncomfortable. It is important that you make your boundaries clear on time, which means that you have to know what they are. This makes it easier to clearly say no when someone crosses them. You can also indicate with your behaviour whether you like something or not. Protected against pregnancy and STI If you do not want to get pregnant, use reliable contraceptives. These include the contraceptive pill, the contraceptive injection, the contraceptive patch, the contraceptive ring, the contraceptive implant and the (female) condom. You can only prevent a sexually transmitted infection (STI) with the use of condoms. The safest possible way to have sex is the "Double Dutch" method: the boy uses a condom and the girl is on the pill. You can also attract an STI from oral or anal sex (touching genitals with your mouth; penis in anus). So always use a condom when performing oral sex on a boy, and a dental dam (or a condom cut open) when performing oral sex on a girl.

Virginity: what about you?

It is important that you think about what you want and what virginity means to you. There are several options, as you have read. Obviously, only you decide how you want to deal with your virginity. And you also decide whether you want to talk to others about your choices or not, for example with your family. Maybe you support their rules, culture or religion and want to abide by them. You have also read that some girls pretend to follow them, but still go their own way. Another possibility is for you to deal with sex in a way you feel comfortable with, even if others disagree. If you are not sure how you feel or what you want, talk to others about it, such as your mother, a girlfriend or a counsellor at school. It may help you to form an opinion so that you are not faced with unexpected situations. You can look for solutions for difficult situations or ask for help. There are also organisations you can go to for help or information.

November 2007 Rutgers Nisso Groep All rights reserved www.rutgersnissogroep.nl