WHAT WH ITE E LEPHANT

THEFEBRUARYISSUE

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEFEBRUARYISSUE

CONTENTS
HOROSCOPES CONFLICTIONS EDITORS LETTER ...2 ...4 ...6

6 4 13 8 19

FOREGROUND
ALKALIZED ...8
Im breaking at the seams, running out of Xanax, why are my dreams dying?

THE COMPULSION

...9

An auto-biographical look at one mans relationship with his addictions as we explore the complexities of Zen

PATIENCE 101; HOW TO WORK ...10 WITH ASSHOLES

I feel like I should get this off my chest; One writers experiences on dealing with assholes in the workplace

PULP FICTIONS & SHORT ...12 STORIES

Stories of soul searching, adventure, love, trust & addictions with loose grammar and absent punctuation

16

20
...17 ...15

JUST SOMETHING; DONT USE FOR ANYTHING ...13

Philosophizing the art of doody; composed in the wee hours of the morning (Sorry ladies...)

THE COMPLEX OF SIMPLICITY

...14

Promoted by the author as being, the best article youve ever read nigguh and errata nonsense, et cetera

T TWELVE STEP PROGRAMS

CONFESSIONAL BOOTH THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST ...18 ...19 ...20

POETRY & PROSE

...16

SPONSOREDBYADDICTIONS

HOROSCOPES
ARIES - This is a good time to stick to the resolutions you made last month. And if you dont succeed, tomorrow is always another day, Aries. Dont let your frustration get you down; people rarely win the first time they try to change anything. If all else fails, you always have Jersey Shore: After Hours to keep you warm on those cold lonely nights.

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

CANCER - It feels like an odd sensation is coming over you this month, Cancer. It would be valuable to recognize that this sensation is coming from your pants not the repressed memories of the old. The crabs are not so friendly to you, this month, but there will be an opportunity for lessons to be learned, and the stars fortell a gratuitous ending for you, Cancer.

TAURUS - Dont be down on the negative possibilities that are always present in life, and take a listen to the good things. Keep note of what you like and work to make more of it happen in your life and the world around you. Change the world around you. Dont be anxious especially about the things that are working well in your life. Take care of your cats, because that brings the happiness exclusive to love.

LEO - Your love life will pick up later this week, around Wednesday, lets say. Just dont forget to shower... you smell awful. Nobody has ever told you that you ought to do something about the smell in your crotch, but they should have. On another note, you should probably call your mother soon. You will receive some rather pedestrian news later on this month, but youll react apathetically. Be the best Leo you can be regardless of whose toes you have to step on.

GEMINI - Youve been spinning your wheels all month, but not gaining very much traction. Youve been unusually hard on yourself this month which is making you stress about things for no reason. Take it easier on yourself and youll find that not only do things have a way of working themselves out, but youll get just what youve always been hoping for. Dream big.
2 FUTUREDIVINATIONS

VIRGO - Can you say Amy Winehouse bender? Seriously Virgo, check yourself into an alcohol treatment, or N.A. meeting or something. Just because other people are making reckless decisions doesnt mean you should too. Unless you like that sort of thing. Acting out might win other peoples respect, but only temporarily. However, something is better than nothing, and lord knows you need all the help you can get.

LIBRA - Youre so vain you probably think this horoscope is about you, Libra. Thats okay though, no ones judging you... out loud. Try being a little less merp, and a little more meep. (secret wink) You will accidentally call someone a stupid twat on the 18th of this month. Just apologize profusely, and if you manage to cry a little, theyll probably overlook the whole thing because of your infectious charm. Just dont get caught without your pants down again. The first time its funny, but 8 is just sad.

CAPRICORN - Youre gonna have your heart broken this month-- at least eighteen times. Softy. On the upside, you do get out a lot and everyone is secretly jealous of your social life. Slut. Just take things one step at a time, and if you find yourself starting to get overwhelmed, remember the spontaneous vacation youve been planning for weeks. You deserve the chance to take some time off and find yourself. Take as much time off as you need.

SCORPIO - I admit it Scorpio, you pulled your shit together, got your head out of ass, and stopped feeling sorry for yourself, for the most part. Keep up the good work, and try not to commit any felonies around the middle of the month. Or do... whatever, I hear its trendy & cool to do things to make yourself seem edgy. Try to find a new hobby this month like whittling; anything to get you to stop playing video games and instead do something productive. SAGITTARIUS - Youve hit your emotional rock bottom this month. When in doubt, look for any way to hide. Like the old saying goes, pick a vagina, any vagina will do. Anything to reassure your sense of self worth, and it doesnt hurt if you beg. If all else fails, try starting a tantrum, or just threaten to throw everything away. Its always easier to start over from scratch than to ever try to change.

AQUARIUS - Just keep working at the whole thing, because honestly, you know its working out pretty well for you. Take the pieces that you might have gotten together, and take a chance at making some good decisions. There are lots of things you can accomplish, and they arent even exclusive to helping yourself. Youve always known that, and your chance to keep on is always available. Keep your head up bucko.

PISCES -Everyone really is rooting for you and youre going to have a fine month. You have some plans, so just take a bit of a dive without paying attention to your cold feet; youve got a pretty good feeling about it all, anyway. The open door policy of taking opportunities as they come has usually worked out for you. Pay attention to the family, and learn to take notes. They are the way to keep things fresh in your mind. It only takes practice.

I'M NOT A WRITER

Yeti Detective
God I hope this shit doesnt get all poignant, but here we go. Addict comes from a Latin word. Back in the day, if you were a Roman soldier, and you did really well, they didnt give you a medal. They gave you a slave. A slave awarded in this manner was called an addict. An addict is a slave to a master. I dont think were covering new ground here. Me personally, Im a dopamine junkie. If I dont find something to thrill my brain once a day I start making bad decisions until an adventure happens. Is my life harder than most peoples? Maybe. Are my stories way better than yours? Probably. Is it worth all that? Who knows? The grass is always greener on the other side, and there are definitely times I wish I could just find a nice boring partner to commit the rest of my life to, settle down, buy a house, go to work and come home and eat dinner and go to bed every day and just not have to worry about anything anymore. Except I would fucking HATE that. One week, one 5 day work week of that, and I would be clawing my face off. Because Im Sonic the Hedgehog, and I gotta go fast. I know other addicts. I know a guy whos addicted to stimulants because of how they make is brain feel, which is invincible. Otherwise, hes nigh unto paralized by anxiety. I know a girl whos addicted to alcohol or heroin or xanax or whatever else will make her stop being terrified of the world for five goddamn minutes. Some people are addicts because they just dont function well if they dont have their medicine. God bless them. They are the fucked up, the deniers, the unbelievers. Nature dealt

them a shitty hand, and chemistry helps them at least cheat a little. Because life is a game of five card stud. Or whatever the fuck poker game where youre stuck with the original hand youre dealt. Because in life, you cant trade in your goddamn 2s and hope you get... whatever not being schizophrenic is called. I dont know poker very well. Im not a fan of gambling. I know math. Anyway... Do I say, anyway, in every article? Fact checkers; check those facts. (editors note;
hes only used anyway in one past issue, Dinosaurs vs Jesus) I dont think that

INEBRIATEDCONFLICTIONS

anyone reading What White Elephant would ever say that addicts are just layabouts, uneager to reassess their attitudes toward life and hard work. But that is a thing people say. Do I have too many paragraph breaks? Whatever, fuck you. Im proper drunk now. Lets talk about my alcohol addiction. Is it really even an addiction? Yes. What do you mean by that, voice in my head? If you go 17 hours without drinking, you start to shake and become incapable of ordinary daily tasks. So, youd say I have a disease? Bitch, you are a disease. Why are you so catty, inner voice? Probably because youre a gay man trapped in a drunk mans body. What does that even mean? I dont know. I think the readers are getting bored. Quick, switch to the thing about how your dopamine addiction makes you more awesome than everyone. Guys, did you know that dopamine is the chemical released by your body to make your brain glad it did something? When you look for a sock and find it, boom. Dopamine. When you play a video game and beat a level, boom. Dopamine. When you try to have sex with someone, and they have sex with you, boom. Dopamine. You can get dopamine from all sorts of places. Googling something and finding the thing you googled releases dopamine. Thats why internet addiction is a thing.

Can you imagine that? Being addicted to googling things? Is that you? Ok, imagine complaining about your internet addiction to a girl passed out in an alley with a needle stuck in her arm, and she had to blow someone she HATES in order to acquire the contents of the needle. Google that. You fucking whore. This is the part of the article where Im drunk enough to verbally abuse you, the reader, but it will probably get better because I ran out of malt liquor, and I wont go get another until after Ive finished this article. Thats right. Im drunk right now. Holy shit, Yeti, your spelling is fucking immaculate when youre drunk. I know, baby. Thats because Im a god damn genius. A goddamn genius who is about to crack open his second can of malt liquor because why-the-fuck-not? Hang on. Ok, back on the wagon. Or off it. Which wagon-status is drinking? I dont remember. I feel like, Internet, this is the best article about addiction ever because its being written by an addict while he is consuming the thing he is addicted to. One of the things. Happiness is finding out you opened your second can of malt liquor before completely consuming the first. Actually, happiness probably doesnt have anything to do with malt liquor. The Venn diagram of happiness and malt liquor probably doesnt have any kind of intersect. Im fucking smart at math when Im drunk. Assholes. Anyway, I think the Benjamin Franklin in my head told me about 1500 paragraphs ago (I use a lot of paragraph breaks) that I should tell you guys stories of my dopamine addiction, and the sorts of crazy things its led me to do. So, one time, I fought in a full contact martial arts tournament. I was covered in another mans blood. I punched a guy in the face so hard that he back flipped onto his own face. Then I had to fight a guy who was a head and shoulders taller

than me, and out weighed me by 60 pounds. He beat the fuck out of me. Then I fought in the same tournament again the next year. One time some punk-ass kids told me that they like to hang out at this abandoned castle at night. So I was like, Lets go hang out at the abandoned castle. Then I was like, Hey, guys. We can totally get into this castle if I climb up to the second story and let you in a ground floor window. And then I did that. It turned out, the abandoned castle wasnt abandoned at all. Fucking people lived in it. It was a home. I accidentally invaded a home. We almost got eaten by guard dogs. It was extremely sexually arousing. Punk-ass kids. Lets talk about my sex life. Prepare to be scarred in the mind and brain area. My favorite girl ever used to make me strip naked so she could ride me like a pony to her bedroom where she would tie me up and torture me with spikes. Thats my idea of romance. One time a girl I liked got drunk and jammed her fist up my ass in retribution for another time when I got drunk and rammed something up her ass, so I told the pony-riding girl the story, and then SHE got drunk and was like, Well then. I must make your ass mine again. And that was two rough nights in a row. Would I trade them in for anything? What do you mean by anything? No, seriously. What are you offering me? Hypotheticals? Thats what I thought. Ive bled out the ass for-[This bullshit is what I found on my computer when I woke up in the morning hungover as hell. The last thing I remember is being talked into stealing cough syrup. I have no idea where I was going with the above statement. I dont know what it is Ive bled out the ass for. My greatest sorrow in life is that my altered self and my sober self can never converse. Im going to go get tested now.]

READ THIS ONE

HEY YOU...
Guy Debord
I think, uh, I need to do uncomfortable things. Not things like sit on a nail or eat a bowl of hair. Im referring to things like pressing myself to a schedule, getting things that take steps done in, well steps, I suppose, and avoiding wasting time because Im avoiding things that I need to do. I suppose Im trying to convey the extreme importance of not becoming lazy. Heh, I wonder if its crazy that I talk to myself. Then again, what else is a journal supposed to be? My beard is fucking bitchin. So, today I went to Joshs house. Among the crowd was David, Jordan George, Jessica (of course) Tyler (who left) Brownie, and that tall kid. Good time, though I didnt eat because I didnt feel like eating their food; so I ended up waiting, but I didnt get a headache. I wonder if my body is not giving indicators like it used (is supposed) to. Im not too worried about it. We played football. I did all right, and almost caught an incomplete that Jordan intercepted. There was no water, and I sprinted a pretty badass run (not really that badass) and felt shitty afterwards. Watched basketball, went with Joey somewhere, swung on a swing set, played guitar in a room by myself for a while, and went home eventually. Cashed one of my first checks that Id written myself. Didnt have my debit card for a while. I was really quiet today. I wonder if its because I dont really compete with guys, or at least I dont compete in that manner. Maybe I feel dominated about things when a) it doesnt really matter and b) because Im out of shape and can do something about it. Fucking pussy. So, I get home and make a sandwich, well two, and play games with my brothers. That was actually a good time, and is probably more purposeful than spending all of my time across the street. I really shouldnt become distant from this family. Its pretty lame on my part. Thats another uncomfortable thing I really need to do. Mary comes over after a while, and we lay about and watch Felicity. After the show I told her that she irritated me at times. It wasnt the most constructive thing I could tell her, but I went on to say that it was because of her lack ofbeing able to appreciate things. Its because she hasnt really ever had to put an amount of effort into getting something out of the end. This is how I feel, though and Im not exactly a psych. I feel like taking antidepressants is avoiding the problem, however. I avoid problems, but I dont want to forget about them. I feel like I usually want to fix them, resolve them rather.

EDITORSLETTER

So thats what I do. I confront the uncomfortable things I dont want to do in order to gain more. No pain no gain. Also, stabilization, and working towards routine so then I can reach my ultimate goal of college. Fucking, that is the ultimate goal, without a doubt. Its exactly what it should be, at least. So, where was I? We ended up taking her to her car, and she cried and told me that she does worry about things, and thats why shes had trouble sleeping at night and does take psych pills so she can cope, I suppose is what I feel like saying. Actually, its not just things she worries about, its everything that she could never get her mind off of. I wonder what she used to think about. I wonder how other people with the same problem use it to their advantage, then the word problem would never cross someones mind. One persons problem is another attitudes virtue. I feel like she can do something about it, and I was in the same boat at some point, again I feel. Its just stress. It is stressful, though. I am a rat bastard. RB. On another note, I missed Bobaflex tonight. Im getting super tired. I want to write about what the graduation night party was like. I wonder if I made Tyler feel bad. Ayron made me feel pretty damn cool. Ian was pretty cool sleeping on the couch. I wonder if hes crazy or not. He told me that hes lived two years in three different countries. I think Africa was one, Jamaica was one, and some other one that escapes my mind.

Also, childhood isnt supposed to be comfortable, or at least not completely easy in certain aspects. Neither is adulthood. I think everyone can take a dose of reality, and end up doing what needs to be done. Its not too complicated, really. Knowing what should be done is quite simple. Its recognizing whats good for you, and working into that direction. Delaying gratification of fake luxuries, like nice chairs, TV, pot, and sleeping all the time will result in getting things that really actually matter done. The ones that really improve your life in the long run. Delayed gratification, a sign of a mature individual. Good stuff right there. Quit attacking symptoms, quit ignoring the real problem and avoiding uncomfortable things. Routine and health; three meals a day with snacks; exercise; typing; learning are all things that need to be integrated into each and every day of my life. Along with them will come other opportunities, and keep weary of the important ones and treat them how they need to be. Not everything requires prying and reworking and complete thrashing. Sometimes its just a simple push in the right direction. Me and Jess need to do these things together. We wont lose each other.

ALKALIZED
I.M. Candy-Coated

Mom says alcohol and drugs are acidic, therefore I need to alkalize my body to combat that. Yesterday, along with my fist-full of supplements, we dined on organic lemon chicken with lemon sauce, brown rice, lemonade, followed by hot-boxing me with lemongrass oil smoke. Guess what? Lemons alkalize. This morning I had miso soup for breakfast, it saves Japanese peoples lives. Apparently, its also going to save mine. Maybe Im drinking the koolaid here, but I feelnormal. My last .5 mg xanax, saved for this morning lonely at the bottom of the bottle was swallowed late last night in a sleep-deprived moment of weakness. I tossed and turned for hours,

yet again, heart thumping through the mattress, promising myself that I would save it for this morning. Its Sunday, and having prepared myself for the absolute worst, I thought my first day of being in withdrawal hell on earth should be Monday, when she is at work. In the benzo-withdrawal movie in my mind, its a very Trainspotting, baby crawling on the ceiling, horrifying nightmare to be experienced privately in the comfort of my own sweaty comforter. However, thanks to the night-terror monster thats been taking residence in my head, I opened my eyes this morning knowing that this is it-its gone. The end. I hear my phone buzzing,
8 REFLECTINGPOOL

and its Todd texting me. Hes already spoken to Mom this morning so he knows its time to wake me up for miso soup. But I dont want miso soup right now. I want to cling to the last beautiful moments with drug thats behind every mugshot, every ruined relationship, every humiliation. I want to lay in this bed and not face the world, because if I get up, then that means its really over. Now in true tradition that speaks to my character (or lack there of?) I possess zero tenacity when it comes to doing anything if it only benefits me. If someone else is relying on me, and I care about them, then most likely Ill do it, but if no ones looking, Ill more than likely just lay down and die. So, with Todd in my ear and Mom in the kitchen with her miso, I get up, and decide Ill stay alive one more day. Only because they want me to. So here we are, halfway through the day, and my nerves are calm. I have not one single symptom of withdrawal. Not one. My mind feels sharp, my hands arent shaking, Ive barely cried. Could I sleep? Probably not, but this is seriously confusing me. I have no idea whats going to happen later tonight or tomorrow, but could it be possible that her holistic remedies have actually cured me of my addiction? I dont want to be too optimistic, because the hellfire could be waiting for me on the other side of the hour, but for now..I drink my lemonade and eat my miso soup.

the impulse of compulsion

The Gentry Simile

As the typical 30 something American male it seems that I am, and while it is hard to admit, addicted. I look around at myself right now: a cigarette smoldering in the ashtray, a cup of coffee, no less than two psychoactive medications barreling through my blood stream, and a full tank of gas in my car. Not to mention the bottle of sake that I consumed last night. Oh addiction, you strange friend that I can not, no matter how bad I wish, I simply can not shake you. You and I have been had this amazing love/ hate relationship dating back to around 2002. Just as my prior boyfriends, various family members, and my friends that have been there since day one. You and I my friend, you and I. It seems that even while I choose to say I am not addicted to ANYTHING, a closer look at the evidence will beg to differ. I watch TV as if the world will end if I dont continue to channel surf. I even bought this neat device that actually streams Hulu, Netflix, Pandora, and some odd TV channel called Crackle right into the comfort of my faux suede couch. After countless hours, and dollars, of so how does that make YOU feel I have come to the conclusion that I am addicted. Not only to the typical American things, but things even you would find weird. I can not leave the house without checking the locks, lights, my face in the mirror, at least five times. I have even developed a dance I do, starting at the door and making a large circle around

the inside of my house, like a fire fighter looking for a dead baby. Making sure that nothing is left of. The thermostat is set for 68 degrees (I have an affinity for even numbers, DO NOT even get me started on the evils and perils of odd numbers). I have come to accept these little ummm quarks about myself. This is nothing that anyone was hiding from me. No big secret. My question is why? Look at everyone else in my family. A sister that is successful beyond any hope any of us had for her. My father who was a very distinguished service man. What is it about my genetic make up that contributed to this? If it is not clear by now I have a pretty decent touch of O.C.D. Oh yeah, meds and all. Counting, sorting, touching. Whatever, it is part of who I am. These obsessions lead to compulsions. Are my compulsions addictions, or are my addictions compulsions? See, its thoughts like that one right there that will have me scrubbing my bathtub for hours on end. So, in the end, does it matter? Am I hurting anyone (besides myself)? I am not out trying to score Luvox, or Welbutrin, or Klonopin. My addictions dont seem to fit the standard definition of an addict. I keep a job, I pay my bills (try to anyway), pay my taxes in timely manner, send my credit card bill off, attempt to pay my insurance. Attempt to live by the Golden Rule. It would appear that my self seeking behavior has gone by the wayside (I learned that phrase from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). Yes I have tried it all. Maybe this whole Addiction thing is just what we are told to keep us in more meds, and visits to the doctor. I do not know. What I do know is that I am OK with all of it. Oh, shit, I gotta run... Intervention is on.

THEPARTICIPLEOFCOMPULSION

PATIENCE 101
Jen Will Tell Me

HOW TO WORK WITH ASSHOLES

No matter where you work, theres bound to be an asshole in the office you just cant stand. Maybe its your boss? Or just a co-worker you had a bad date with? Her name is something like Emily or Becky, or if its a dude he goes by Anderson or something more cross-gendered, such as Kelly. This is the person you cringe-smile at when you dart past them while getting a handful of Bic pens from the supply closet. You know the smile Im talking aboutthe one where you squeeze your whole face real tight, body language that says Dont you know I will cut you? Have a fabulous day! Ive been watching reruns of 24 lately, and one thing I really like about the show, the terrorist fighting and shooting aside, is the spot-on portrayal of office assholes. Nobody likes anybody on that show, but they all have to work together to fight the evildoers. Mrs. Palmer, President David Palmers fabulously conniving wife, is an admirable asshole. With one sassy, skeptical eyebrow raised and a tone of voice that suggests you better do exactly as she says, Mrs. Palmer gets what she wants by being mean and abrasive.
10

There are several kinds of office assholes out there. Theres the one who acts like shes running the show even though she hasnt fully graduated from orientation week, doesnt know where the office cafeteria is. Here she comes in her Chanel suit, ready to run the place, but youve already been in the office for five years and know way more than she does. Youre a little jealous the boss didnt give you her job, but you slept with him, twice in the office. Everybody knows, saw the sex-tape, so obviously if you got promoted it would look a little suspicious. How to deal: completely ignore her. Shell get the hint. Then theres the abusive underminer, almost always a boss but even worse if its just a co-worker, who questions everything you do. These figures arent right. This sentence grammatically incorrect is. You need to work faster! Youre breathing too much. Mistake, mistake, mistake. If Im so awful and make so many mistakes, boss, then why did you hire me in the first place? How to deal: look for their mistakes and sarcastically point them out.

THEWONDERFULWORLDOFOFFICEASSHOLES

Theres the one who doesnt like youno reason. He cant stand your writing, wont publish your articles, edits your pieces way down, or abrasively talks down to you like youre an uneducated peon. All you want to do is grow 20 feet tall and roar, fuck you! over and over. How to deal: cringe-smile. He has you by the ballshe knows he can be this way to you and youll keep coming back, like a true sadomasochist. Is the office basically an S&M camp? Sometimes, office assholes roam free and in secrecy, without any obvious identifiers, which makes working with one scary and unpredictable. They coax you thinking theyre your friend, only exposing their true nature when its too late. I did a project with somebody who was a secret assholefabulous at first, but suddenly became a complete train wreck.

No explanation, either. Just completely checked out, which was extremely rude and ungrateful in my opinion, which is unfortunate because it will eventually come back to bite them in the ass. How to deal: place them on the life-long, permanent shit list. As soon as you put somebody you work with on your shit list, you cant be all vocal about itnot at the office. If you need to vent, open up an anonymous Twitter called Shit My Asshole Boss Does, get 100,000,000 followers and a book deal. But whatever you do, dont tell your coworkers about how much you hate Becky, because they could be assholes in disguise. You still have to go to work, so just be chill and cringe-smile. This is what your BFFs and boy/girlfriends are for. Unload all the office drama on them, because otherwise it will come back to bite you in the ass.

A LIGHTER NOTE ABOUT SOMETHING WORTH BEING ADDICTED TO

Youre going to have to face it youre addicted to love. I love to be in with someone that I can tell everything to and provide the same support back to them. I find it appealing that I can build the rapport between us over time that facilitates that deep understanding (that grows deeper), and the progress ideally never stops. The relationships that include sex, in any degree between the spectrum of polyamory and monogamy, get better in relation to the attention you pay to your partner over time. Im addicted to having more satisfying intimacy that comes with getting to know my baby; the experience and routines and the variations and new things with a familiar partner. Robert Palmer knew what he was talking about when he brought love into the light of being addictive.
GUYDEBORDLOVESPLENDOR Guy Debord

11

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Addictions. There are all sorts of addictions for example love, sex, drugs, shopping, stalking, and even collecting. One of the most common addictions is to drugs. Drugs by definition is a substance that has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body. Personally, I had been addicted to a drug once before, but it did not last long. The effect it has on you becomes intoxicating making you feel light like a feather and everything around you is chill. Youre just happy and thats all that matters. The side effects though can be horrific or subtle. You can either die or suffer a stomach ache. Many people around me have done drugs or are into them right now as we speak. I have been offered drugs on more than one occasion, but I personally do not want to fuck up my life. No matter how bad your life seems to be or to get drugs and alcohol are not the answer. Almost everyone in my family has turned to them and I have seen what it can do. My mother in particu-

Quinn Elizabeth

lar just recently told me that she has been doing meth, coke, heroin, etc. up until about five years ago when she moved away. Drugs caused her to move away from her daughter, mother, father, and sisters. The town she had grown up in, packed up and left from it. And, although I know it was for the best, she left us all behind because of a choice she made. She had been doing them since I was a baby Because of her poor choices I grew up without a mother. In result, I never learned how to do girly things. When something went wrong I had no mother to turn to. Now think, when or if you have children do you really want them to grow up and have about five memories of you all together? That addiction in particular could make or break your relationships or kill you. Is it really worth losing your life or connection with a loved one? Nothing is ever bad enough to become addicted to a drug.

Velveteen Dandy

WE ARE THE UNFOREMENTIONED

12

PULPFICTIONS&STORIESOFHABITUATION

JUST SOMETHING...
Trashman Mike (part two)

DONT USE IT FOR ANYTHING

log out of your anus and you suddenly make your rectum clasp shut while your butt cheeks are loose and squeeze all of it within your two glutes. I think, again Im sure science better knows where pressure ought to come from whenever pooping, the pressure for pooping ought not come from at all near the asshole, but further up the body, instead. 3:10. The pressure created by squeezing your abs inward, as though you are constricting them upon the contents of your stomach, I think is where the appropriate pressure comes from for pooping. I think the suggestion only needs to be made, and most hopefully, natural processes influenced by gravity will guide you through the rest of the pooping experience. Dont rush it, unless you need to. I hear the U.S. Army recommends two minute allotments for pooping. Sometimes, just relaxing and focusing on your day, or letting your mind wander away from the day, and relaxing will let things happen in your midsection that allows for more pooping to be done, sometimes upon ones own surprise. Things get fun in the bathroom, and one should always, when taking time to rest, take the effort to appreciate and enjoy their time in the rest room, not only for the benefit unto itself, but the benefit to yourself. Unless concerns about environment, germs, and/or religions prohibit you. (continued to part three, the final entry, next month)
RANDOMBITS&PIECES 13

When youre happy, locate the things that you want to have while youre sitting in one place for a few minutes, simply go onto the next step if you are looking for the benefits of toilet sitting philosophizing. 3:01. Put your back to the toilet, and bend your knees and waist at the same time at a reasonable speed until youve about made contact, and have your hands on your butt. Place your hands across from each other as though the anus itself is in the line between your two appendages. Do not pull hard, but spread your cheeks a bit to simply give you a center within the seat for your butt to do its thing. Ideally, at this point, humans have been known to simply squat on the ground in order to poop, and science suggests that this is good as the colon is in a straight line whenever the human body is squatting. In order to mimic this effect on your own toilet, go ahead and have a stool handy whenever you need to poop, so you can lift your feet, bend your knees, and therefore your thighs and whathave-you. Poop. When youre pooping, dont poop. Just, suggest and nudge. This works best whenever you have prairie doggin or turtle headin. Otherwise, whenever you push hard, you can detect, perhaps, your rectum clasping tight, and this blocks the pooping path a body wants to shove shit through. This is counterproductive, and stressful, and perhaps even messy at times, as whenever youre in the middle of passing a

THE COMPLEX SIMPLICITY OF

dubba dubba jeydubb

I like simple, not many things are simple anymore. I think love is as simple as it gets. At its core essence it really boils down to, I want to make you happy, because it makes me happy to see you happy. That is, until we try and make it all complicated with rules, unrealistic expectations, and everything else that infects human relations these days. We have to be wary of these things manifesting themselves into our lives, simply because they stem out of our own insecurities, and only lead to more of the same. Our insecurities are the weeds of our lifes garden, and must be uprooted. To better exemplify this plague that is insecurity, imagine yourself with your lover, and they have just told you some unpleasant news or, god forbid, you were searching for the unpleasant news yourself, such as I had such a good time with so and so, they are so funny, they told this one joke about a chicken crossing the road etc. Regardless, you immediately feel a sudden shift of internal processing. Certain emotional chemical reactions begin firing in your brain, and that feeling of anger and jealousy begins to rear its ugly head again. Slowly but surely the anger begins to cut off all logical reasoning within your brain. You then get a sudden uncontrollable urge to make them feel the emotional pain that you ironically, had just inflicted upon yourself, but well come back to that. At this point in your thought process you are officially in the right, and their very essence as a human being with internal thought processes of their

own is thrown into a mental garbage bin labeled in the wrong. What is left to do from here? Well, destruction really, to knock down any nice little building blocks they had stacked, and to get off on the pain of having an unhealthy relationship, you sadomasochistic weirdo. Lets rewind a bit shall we? Lets go back to about the time where you inflicted pain upon yourself and blamed it on your loved one. How did this happen? Is it because you were riding out the first hysterical feelings that happened to pop into that clever little head of yours? If so, where did they come from? Was it just too much to know they could have fun without you? Did you think they wouldnt need you anymore? Or does it just hurt to see them looking up at the sky, while you are so obviously fixated on looking down at your scuffed shoes. Regardless, none of these examples for possible reasons as to why really make sense. If you break the issue down, whatever it is, the root of it almost always seems to be insecurity. Im not strong enough, attractive enough, good enough, for her, for him, for myself You are in a sense, scared of success, because you dont believe you deserve it, so you block yourself from ever achieving it with these programmed reactions. You were programmed to fail. Especially when we are kids, the first way we see something done, whether it is on purpose or inadvertently, it is programmed as the right way. Our heads are amazing computers that most people are just too confused to program themselves, or maybe they dont think they

14

THEBESTARTICLEEVERWRITTEN

can. Any way you look at it, if youre not taking care of your head and observing your own thought processes in order to catch on to your own negative patterns, then you will never be able to program over them. And instead you will be at the mercy of all the negative habits that you subconsciously pick up and hang on to over the course of your life. Your mind can be your prison or it can be your beautiful open field in the summertime. Its your choice to make. Children are the most innocent of all of us. They havent yet to be tainted by the ways of the world. They have no hidden agendas. They just want to be happy. The way they do things and make decisions is not based on morals or reasoning, they will do something simply because it works. They cry because they know someone will come along and see whats wrong. It works, so they do it. In the dating world, for a very good example, there are many partners who, when faced with a situation where they are acting childish, may cry in response to someone calling out such behavior. Rooting back to childhood when this kind of behavior was left to be appropriate. So lets define child shall we? Not having any perceivable problems? We really never did have to worry about much when we were kids. As long as we had a parent or someone there giving us comfort, that was basically all we needed. And it pretty much still is. We didnt know about all the existing complicated problems that were coming toward us to even be able to worry about them. If only we could somehow simplify things down in order to achieve that childlike mental state again permanently, or at least a majority of the time. We all cant turn out a bunch of miserable old people with a fuck-ton of regrets. Our lives literally depend on it.

I have found that problems in life get much easier once weve taken the time to pause the situation thats bothering us and really made and attempt to access what of it is actually inside our area of control. There will always be some part of it that we have dominion over, no matter how small. Most people spend way too much time worrying and suffering over the negative aspects of a situation that we didnt, dont, or wont ever have any control over. This in my opinion is wasting irretrievable emotional energy, leaving us drained, and is essentially the root cause of negativity, depression and all that wonderful stuff. Im willing to bet that almost all of our situations or problems have small portions which are inside our area of control, which I also think should be focused on, and used to work on from within the situation and used to fix it. They should at least be messed around with and viewed from different angles until we achieve a positive outcome. All that aside, were left with the most challenging problems of all, and also what I believe to be the most rewarding problems to situate. These are the ones of which we have no control over. Where there is no sound solution without changing some aspect of the situation that is unchangeable from within our field of control. We have choices though. We can choose to sit around hoping these problems will work themselves out while still worrying about them. We can involve someone else who shares/has shared the same problems as us and whose field of control spans over a part of our situation. Or we even have the choice to close our eyes to the whole thing and choose not to recognize it as a problem, risking the loss of a potentially higher quality of life. The choice is ours.

15

SLEEP DEPRIVATION
Michelle Nimmo There are stitches under my skin Where Ive sewn in my soul for use for later Its in a spot I forgot about until the stories started leaking seeping out The tales tell more real than I allow myself to be More me, than I ever give myself credit for behind the door of my passion Pay no attention to the poet Behind the curtain Her Cheshire cat grin Knows her sins are mortal The Hatter has told her so His logic, his tea cup Ink stained in lunatic Two lumps of poems please Heavy with truth Arent much worth Unless they are stirred Counter clockwise In chorus with these voices Still singing in sixes While stacking the deck With hearts on top And spades under my pillow

In denial to a hand-picked tribunal of corporate shills we aired the ills of Justice awry with hue and cry and calls for clear thinking A handful of patriots fighting to keep our selves self-governed man-to-woman-to-man Not some conniving corporate plan Today I joined the Rebel Alliance Today I became a man

AN ODE TO A HATE & LIE SPEWING, UNORIGINAL & PLAIN, BORING GIRL
mr.ficklebritches im giving up on im not trying going through the motions, anymore and im sending up and im applying a piece before its even envisioned im not trying im giving up im not trying not im giving up im not trying and im giving up im not trying on im giving up you lauded me and i am certain fell way to the dramamine you applauded and i surrendering you just try to wait and see and all the time youre giving up and all the time your given up and all the time you give up you libeled me and im certain its how youre fake so casually you alarm and i am steadfast you try to just wait and see

UNTITLED
The Man With The Green Hat Today I joined the Rebel Alliance and under the watchful eye of Federal Marshalls we marshaled together at the Federal Courthouse to protest the abomination of LLCs ever being considered as human as you or me 16 POETRY&PROSE

POETRY

YOUR STEPFORD WIFE

Borderline Beautiful You think Ill be your housewife? That youll make me into a proper woman? Ill fuck your friend, Or suck his dick in the bathroom stall At the restaurant were all dining in. You think I will cook for you? Clean up after you? Ill leave your filth in piles, Bearing the stink, Because I know the stench will follow you as well. You think youll make love to me, Softly, missionary, quickly? Youre sorely mistaken, Im looking for a man to Treat me like a whore You think you can put me in a box And stow me away? Save me for a rainy day? Ill break free, Im Houdini with a vagina, And Ill never be locked up In your suburban ideals. Do you imagine us with children? Running around, screaming, Me tending to them? Im sorry, but I am in no mood to nurture Good luck finding your stepford wife, Because all Ill do is spit on your conventional dreams

like youre the mother fucking scientist gone mad break shit knowing youll fix it; or itll fix you either way, live each day this way; create life, not limitations, we are only what we embody

PAPA DUKES
A Camel Light You and I, were not so good at this. Weve tried this before, we tried at all Long leather seat hockey drives A big black truck, so fancy So comfortable. Roaring along the nights highways All the time in the world for a Coupla hours.. You and I, were not so good at this. You met me before I met you Before I was ever here, and Even then we seldom spoke Theres a good song on the radio We have similar tastes Youre the ocean, but Im not water So I play tag and footsies and catch with Your shores. Waiting for another Good song on the radio.

PRESCRIPTION
The Vagabond King life should be an experiment of experiences; a concoction of nonconformity to breathe air like you have no care; walk this world

&PROSE

I THINK I TOOK

TOO MUCH

HEROIN

Slain Brain I didnt mean to do it-- I swear. Do excuses even work anymore? It was 8:49 post meridian, and I had just gotten home from eating at my favorite Italian restaurant. Our waiter forgot to bring minced raw garlic with our bread, so the experience paled in comparison only having extra virgin olive oil, parmesan cheese and balsamic vinegar to dip our bread in. But it was probably a good thing... I probably didnt need to taste raw garlic slingshoting up my throat and into my bath tub. I think Im getting ahead of myself. Excuses-- right. So, I might have come home, tripped when I was taking my shoes off and fell on some heroin. I didnt mean to do it... It was a total fluke slash accident slash calamity.

There is no chemical reaction occurring inside my body that is affecting my normal operating parameters. None at all! Its merely, apparently, all in my head. Yup, you heard the news break here first. Nothing can change your current perceptional output. Its all placebo; all in your head. The synthetic synthesized wave of nausea washes gently over my corpus, as tide after tide of spicy marinara with mushroom and Italian sausage tumble casually from my mouth and into my bath tub. Good thing I picked up a 6 shot espresso drink before incidentally consuming this narcotic beyond my ex18 CONFESSIONALBOOTH

press knowledge or consent. I swear. Its the G-Ds honest truth. Cross my heart. Pledge of allegiance on the bible. Apple pie & baseball. A grandma knitting by a fireplace. Puppies, sunshine, and rainbows. Speaking of iconic symbols of America... we own 80% of the worlds heroin supply. Okay, we dont necessarily own it per se, although we have been occupying and waging a war in the country that produces/exports 80% of the worlds heroin slash poppy slash opium. You know, the statistic is probably wrong-- I did kind of pull it out of my ass. Maybe its 70%? Id look it up on the internet, but the government legislated it out of existence or something. See, these tribal farmers (sans ironic tattoos) were instructed by regional leaders to switch from grain to opium. Apparently profit is a higher motivator than starvation. And these farmers sell the raw poppy sap to processors in Iran. Then these processed heroin products are funneled through various import schemes and our trafficked through the various black markets of Europe, North Africa, and Asia. Im not exactly sure how heroin gets from Sunni slingers in Afghanistan to America. Bayer Pharmaceuticals? Im pretty sure they have something to do with it-- they did own the patent to it for 19 years. I also just learned that poppy was cultivated in lower Mesopotamia as long ago as 3400 BCE. No wonder Hammurabi rocked that shit out.

You know what would make my day? Hearing Bobcat Goldthwait having a really intense orgasm. Yes maam-- Yes...I put all of your pictures in a different order and I deleted your wedding. Now go to hell. Like grandma gives a fuck, Thanks for the gift but I would prefer if you loved me in arial or helvetica... Put the love in italics and her in a home. Sorry....SVEN is sitting here. I hope you dont equate this with the high road. Im sorry but my current aloof state prevents your ability to make this situation a big deal. The cricket gets away with fewer wrinkles.

I was lying just then when I said I wasnt gonna try to sleep with her. Um, soooooooooooo can we not be engaged on facebook anymore, and you not hate me for asking? Hello, (scratch) nice to see you. (sniff) There are only three words you need to remember: excrement, favorite, and sneakers. FUCK YOU, SARAH MCLACHLAN. I CANNOT ADOPT ANY MORE CATS. Send out birthday invitations in comic sans. Unfriend people who RSVP.

TWENTY FIVE
Is there a polite way of telling someone that if they dont stop talking you are going to hang them... or yourself? I like my men the way I like my coffee; held hostage and forced to watch that intense episode of Golden Girls where Rose gets an AIDS test. Fuck you altruism! Spoons tarnished from melting down heroin? Baking soda & aluminum foil restore their luster. If you play porn backwards, its about a sperm vacuum cleaning up messes. And then everyone gets a pizza. Dumpster-dived personality.
THINGSOVERHEARD 19

THINGS OVERHEARD

This girl asked me what sense I would lose, and Im like, smell, and the Jew girl was like sight. Who would pick that one? Shes weird. Shes not a Jew, Shes a Gemini. Thanks for stopping by-- oh by the way, I almost stabbed myself in the face the other day. This would be way better if I were allowed to get drunk and call everybody here a motherfucker. Jesus Christ woman! How have you afforded to live this long? Sheer luck? Divine intervention? The world may never know.

THEFEBRUARYISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

Merciless lady of the night! Prance that itty-bitty Equus home & cover thine brazen knockers away!

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