Bledisloe Nativity Play

SCENE ONE, ACT ONE

Mary and Josephs house. Joseph is out on business. Mary just onstage MARY Oh my god, Oh my god, OH MY GOD

Joseph walks in and God sneaks out the Window JOSEPH What the HELL was that?

Joseph comes to window and shakes his fist! END SCENE SCENE TWO, ACT ONE NARRATOR Welcome my friends, let me take you back to a time 2009 years ago. Now we all know it is Christmas soon, so let me remind you of the story! Back then the Roman Emperor has set a census, which means Joseph had to bugger off back to Bethlehem. JOSEPH MARY MARY JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH MARY Right, wed best be off to Bethlehem. Do we have to go? So we have to walk? Yep. I cant do it not in my condition. Well, its your own bloody fault getting yourself pregnant. Dont blame me Im still a virgin you know. Yeah right! Its true it came from the Holy Spirit.

JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH

I know I heard you shouting, Oh my God . . . Oh my God. Honest . . . I wouldnt tell you a lie . . . Ive never had sex with a man. Was it that John Jaques slag? God no! Would you go on Jeremy Kyle and take a DNA test?

Sound Effects:

Silence complete lack of Mary saying anything.

MARY JOSEPH JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH

So if were going to Bethlehem can we at least take a donkey. Okay, Ill call one . . . . Shit! I need a drink... Bet you cant drink a whole bottle of port on the way to Bethlehem I bloody well will, youre having someone elses baby and I still havent got any yet Joseph makes a crotch thrusting movement then downs whole bottle of port and gets it all over him!

MARY JOSEPH

That, was shit. Thats what God said about you! Laughs uncontrollably

SCENE THREE, ACT ONE [CAROL: - We three kings from Ciren are.]

1st WISE PERSON

Shit whats that bright thing in the sky.

2nd WISE PERSON Its some jozzer dressed as a star

1st WISE PERSON

Cant be no one would dress up that stupidly

2nd WISE PERSON Oh! So it must be a sign from God that he has sent his only son to suffer and die so that we all may be saved from eternal damnation in Hell. 1st WISE PERSON 3rd WISE PERSON 1st WISE PERSON Spot on lets follow it wherever it may lead us. Wed better take along some presents. Do we have to?

3rd WISE PERSON Yeah! Its Christmas after all. 2nd WISE PERSON 1st WISE PERSON Shit Ill need to nip along to the college shop for something. Make sure you spend more than seven quid!

SCENE ONE, ACT TWO Mary and Joseph are standing at the door of the inn, Joseph appears slightly drunk [CAROL :- COME ALL YE FAITHLESS] JOSEPH Have you got any room at the inn?

INNKEEPER Nope. JOSEPH My wife is knocked up with someone elses brat, gimme a drink Joseph downs pint; Innkeeper sings Get it down, you Zulu Warrior Start to walk to next inn MARY At next inn MARY Any room stud? My baby could drop at any moment.

INNKEEPER Not for any damn Jews JOSEPH How about a drink?

INNKEEPER Yeah alright, here you go

Someone runs up and coins him, Joseph downs pint Goes to next Inn JOSEPH Give me a fucking room with a mini bar or Ill spark you out

INNKEEPER Youre gonna chunder, you can have the stable pisshead. JOSEPH Is it cold and damp and covered in horse shit?

INNKEEPER No its actually quite cosy and clean. But watch out for the bloody polo players in the morning, theyre a right mess! JOSEPH Bloody polo arseholes. Think we got some shepards popping in later, dont suppose you can find us a drink!

INNKEEPER No problem!

SCENE TWO ACT TWO In a big field full of mad cows and strangely betrayed sheep.

1st SHEPHERD The sheep seem very restless tonight. 2nd SHEPHERD Have you been up to your old tricks again 3rd-Sheperd. 3rd SHEPHERD I havent touched any of them honest.

Sound Effects:

Flashing light thunder lay it on thick.

The ARCH ANGEL appears lowered on a rope from above.

4th SHEPHERD What in Christ's name is that! 1st SHEPHERD Who's Christ?

3rd SHEPHERD 1st SHEPHERD 2nd SHEPHERD

Wait a moment theres only supposed to be three shepherds. Thats right where the hell did he come from. I know hes that useless twat that failed the auditions.

1st, 2nd and 3rd SHEPHERDS Bugger off you go on get off the bloody stage. 4th SHEPHERD ARCH ANGEL 2nd SHEPHERD ARCH ANGEL Away and break a bloody leg the lot of you bunch of fucking wasters. Fear not o lowly shepherds I bring you tidings of joy. Our pay rise has finally come through? No nothing quite so amazing as that but tonight a child will be born who will change the world he will be the new king. What Elvis? Elvis is being born tonight? Not Elvis stupid Jesus Jesus Christ. Theres no need for blasphemy!

1st SHEPHERD ARCH ANGEL 3rd SHEPHERD

[CAROL: - WHILST SHEPHERDS SHAG THERE SHEEP BY NIGHT]

SCENE TWO ACT TWO The Three Wise Men are wandering through the desert and seek refuge at Herods Palace. Herod is sitting on the throne stroking a kitten. HEROD Ive been expecting you, Wise Men. What have you been expecting my friend You are here to overthrow my reign, and replace me as the King of the Jews No, you misunderestimate us, we are here to usher in the dawn of a new King, a king that will overthrow the Roman Empire and bring the Jews into a new world of glory and power I doubt that very much, I know all your plans Balthazar.

WISE MAN ONE HEROD

WISE MAN TWO

HEROD

Guard walks in and shoots Wise Man Four. WISE MAN THREE Ok we will tell you all we know. HEROD Go ahead, and speak wisely, the scorpion pit is waiting if you but slip from the true story We are wise men, we will speak with the truth and tell no lie, on the holy beard of Moses we swear it. A baby will be born tonight in the town of Bethlehem to a virgin. He will be the lord on earth and rule the Jewish Race.

WISE MAN ONE

WISE MAN TWO

WISE MAN THREE We follow a star to the town in order to find him and bring him presents of great joy HEROD Well when you find this so called King of the Jews, bring word back to me, as I would also like to give him a present, the present of DEATH! Yeah sound mate, catch you in a bit No worries, bring me news of the child and all will be fine. Wise Men leave. HEROD Little did they know I placed homing beacons on their Presents, so as soon as lil ol Jesus gets his Gold, Frankencense and Myrrh, he will be destroyed by my vengeful wrath.

WISE MAN ONE HEROD

SCENE THREE ACT TWO In the shit covered stable surrounded by shit covered cows.

MARY JOSEPH MARY JOSEPH MARY

Owwww ouchhhh waaaa ochhy waawaaa oachhhh Stop bloody moaning Im trying to get some sleep Ive got a blasted headache The bloody brats about to drop. Just get on with it woman. AAAAHHHHH OH MY GOD.

Sound Effects: Slurping sort of noise sort of thing of a ten pound baby coming gushing out a womans lower regions. JESUS Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaaa God walks on stage GOD JOSEPH JESUS Its a boy . . . Yippeeeeee. Will you shut that brat up for Christ sake. Daddy. Yes my son.

GOD and JOSEPH

God and Joseph start arguing IMPROVISE Then Joseph goes to sleep. GOD This is too confusing Im going for a cigarette God lights up a fag and walks out There is knocking at stable door MARY JOSEPH Joseph answer the stable door. Snore

Stable door gets kicked down

MARY JESUS MARY

Welcome to our humble abode. He means stable. No I dont I mean abode I learnt my lines so shut up. We be coming here on a strange and mysterious errand. (Looking at the Joseph - Hiya Joseph going to the rock after this?) An angel told us that a wondrous baby would be born here tonight and he would be saviour of all the world.

1st SHEPHERD

JOSEPH JESUS JOSEPH

Well . . . I wouldnt call him wondrous but he's okay for a bastard Hey watch what youre saying about me! Cool it.

God pops in GOD JESUS Sorry to bother you, anyone got a lighter? Yeah here you go, no worries

God strolls out 1st WISE PERSON JOSEPH 2nd WISE PERSON MARY I have brought you gold. Excellent maybe I can pay off my student loan And I have brought you frankincense.

Oh thanks. My Channel Number 5 is nearly finished.

3rd WISE PERSON And I have brought you myrrh JESUS Couldnt you have bought me COD 2 or something?

3rd WISE PERSON Sorry Big-J, Not much choice at the college shop. JESUS Well this is turning out to be one shite birthday I can tell you. INNKEEPER Listen you lot down there Gonna just stop moaning all the time Im trying to get some rest. Bloody anti-social neighbours! Dont know why I bother!!!