Physic to the Dogs PEREAT TRISTITIA *** From the Journals of Leopold Iff. March 21st 2011: 12:34!

12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34! 12:34!.. To some extent I suppose I had this coming to me. It is 12:34AM. For the last seven nights in a row it has read 12:34. The clock is a hundred floating skulls, cackling maniacally as

they spin around me ever faster and threateningly. All of them have red digital numbers glowing from their eye sockets. The right is thirty-four and the left is twelve. It isnt enough that the cursed number appears twice a day, but it calls to me both times a day when it does, mocking every second wasted in its company. I hate that clock. I can see it bursting into flames, being thrown out of a window, getting run over by a car, or being chewed and swallowed by a large wandering dog. I picture it, an elk hound, trotting along beneath the window of my apartment as the smouldering remains catch its eye. With sudden vigor its eyes burn with the rage of a thousand ancient Norse Gods and it pounces. It gnashes and tears at the cracked plastic, aluminum, and silicone. It chokes down the shards with a sense of duty into its stomach, where it is slowly digested by acids only a demonic elk hound can produce, until finally, it is unceremoniously shat out of existence, never to bother me again. Which is what it deserves; that damn clock. I often ask myself why I dont do anything about it. Some dependence on knowing that it has been twelve hours since the last twelve have passed lingers in me. Sleep is necessary for regulating all of the bodys major functions. Sleep is necessary for proper digestion, and body temperature regulation. During sleep, the pineal, adrenal, hypothalamus and pituitary glands synthesize or inhibit hormones. When you go to sleep your brain turns on a little switch which pours dimethyltryptamine into your parietal lobe, a chemical

Physic to the Dogs required to regulate the sleep cycles that allow you to dream. Waking, you instantly forget ninety percent of what you may have been dreaming of, but are well rested and ready to tackle the day with all the vim and vigour expected of this great generation of ours. You can cross oceans, run marathons, crunch numbers, paint, smoke, read, fuck and everything else that weve been trained to ape since birth. You will be successful, you will be an athlete, you will be wealthy, with a beautiful wife and happy children. They will be there, and you will love them, and those chemicals in your brain will tell you that you love them more than anything youve ever loved. But the brain is playing one of its great tricks, and as the novelty of domestic existence wears off, you of course will begin to argue with your beautiful wife and mock your

adorable children. You may endure a bitter divorce, and have to watch your beautiful wife fall in love again. But thats why men grow beards and buy BMWs. A lifetime of hard labor has earned you the right to the North American dream, and then you die. The kind of selfish cynicism required to reach such conclusions about everyone you meet comes a lot easier if you rarely meet anyone. The ease of this is compounded if you stay awake in your apartment so much you are able to see the clock read 12:34 twice every day. One tends to find companionship in many different ways and it becomes almost a survival reflex. You may find yourself holding contests with your surroundings and pitting yourself against the elements. I, for example, finally killed that millipede that seemed to get larger and gain more legs every day. It also seemed to evolve a kind of camouflage resembling a tigers stripes, which proved very useful at deceiving me when it retreated behind the radiator. It is now adorned on my wall, a symbol of my dominion over this bachelor apartment. These competitions and connections can happen for many reasons and form a cycle that would be dangerous for anyone not trained to cope with such isolation.

Physic to the Dogs To accomplish such a feat as I have, it is best to have reliable, or at least substantial

supplies of multivitamins, caffeine, cannabis, tobacco, Jamesons, cartoons, bismuth, and ramen. One also has to be willing to graduate to stimulants of a more conspicuous nature. Prescriptions for amphetamine are readily available from your family doctor provided you make believable the following symptoms: it is impossible for you to pay attention to any one thing at a time, you are constantly agitated or restless, you feel no particularly high or low moods or anxious moments and have an almost boundless amount of energy which you cannot direct in any meaningful way. It is best to be a student, or failing that, gainfully employed in some way that is easy to be distracted from. The danger of course is that the damnable glands can only handle so much before the body inevitably must shut down, no matter how many stimulants you take or cartoons you watch. Science has only come so far and the structure of the mind is only now beginning to be understood. For example: the damnable glands. Pheromone comes from the Greek verb, phero, to bear, and noun hormone, meaning impetus. These horrid little compounds play an important and unperceivable role in every interaction you will ever have with any living thing. The entire animal kingdom is heavily dependent on the olfactory senses to survive, and we are generally unconscious of it. People constantly emit the odors, though also prone to try and cover them up with various antiperspirants and colognes. Schopenhauer said the best smell to have is no smell at all. Pheromones allow for other members of the animal kingdom to recognize each others species and us by the scent. The scent of a male humans pheromones, if compatible with a females, can alter her heart rate, and likewise, cause the man to reflexively suck in his beer gut. Womens moon cycles align and strange things happen at night, all thanks to the damnable glands. Most importantly perhaps, they can inform a recipient of the secretors general

Physic to the Dogs disposition, level of aggression or amiability. The slightest change in phenomenal output can inexorably alter the course of any human interaction *** Excerpt: Subject #000018708301. September 30th 2010. Dr. A. Narkompros MD.DPh *Property of University of Toronto Archives. Reproduction is strictly prohibited. The patient arrived around noon in an extreme panic. Once calmed, he seemed amiable, though extremely vigilant. The patient seemed to exhibit no significant aggressiveness that would provoke the ensuing incidents, and did not report any major adjustments in behaviour or diet in the past four months. We placed him in examination room six, where he recovered from his ordeal. Upon entering the room I found my perception of the patient altering from moment to moment, and I had no conscious control over it. My reaction to him was almost reflexive it seemed. As I looked at him it seemed as though his face was altering and becoming, for lack of a better word, very irritating to me. He was sitting on the examination bench in a certain way that for a reason I now cannot identify reminded me of a young man I knew in St. Petersburg in the early 1990s. Specifically, he reminded me of a young man who had committed a wrong against my family during the perestroika, an event it would be inappropriate to recount in this report. These recollections were at first triggered merely by the way he was sitting, as I recall, with his right leg crossed across the left, ankle resting on kneecap. I advised him to change his sitting position, to which he complied without complaint. However, it was at that time that I noticed that the room was beginning to seem much hotter than it was when I entered. Upon checking the thermometre and seeing no change, it was obvious that my own body temperature that had risen, whereupon I asked the nurse to fetch me a glass of water, which she did.

Physic to the Dogs The patient explained that there were numerous young men, perhaps ten or twelve, chasing after him, which I assumed was a part of some frosh festivities or initiation, and that this was the first building he came upon that he could lose them in. He informed me that he wasnt particularly unwell, but winded, and that he only needed a place to rest until he was confident that the rabble had subsided. It was at this point that his face seemed to distend and change shape, and, curiously enough, it seemed to assume the form of one Nikolai Andropov, of St. Petersburg, who I cannot discuss in any further detail other than to say that this man inspires a certain rage in me that is very difficult to restrain. I was able to maintain my objectivity for long enough, and surmised

that there was something medically wrong with how I perceived this young man. I left the room at this point to try and determine if I had consumed anything that would alter my senses in any significant way. I could not immediately recall anything that could have caused such a reaction in its normal state, and suspected that there was some trickery afoot, at which point I advised the nurse to check my pupils. Upon reentering the room to tell the patient of my state of mind, and to advise him of my apparent inability to converse with him and fulfill my role as resident psychiatrist and perhaps comfort the boy in some small way, I found my rage reaching peaks I had not experienced since my immigration to Canada some twenty years ago. I am a man of peace by nature, but the boys face seemed to change more with each passing moment, becoming threatening, as well as reminiscent of less pleasant times. At that point I retreated from the room in a panic, thinking I could not restrain my fury. Fortunately, I found a paper bag that was large enough to place over the patients head. I cut holes for the eyes, and advised him to wear it until further notice. He accepted with what seemed to be only a mild degree of skepticism.

Physic to the Dogs *** August 31st 2005: 8:27PM. Greg is such a stupid asshole. I hate him with every inch of my being. I wish I could

hate him to death. If I could assign a scale to how much I hate him, and then receive a dollar for every point that scale rose whenever he acted the way he did today, I would never have to worry about money ever again. I would buy a Corvette and get all the chicks. We were playing Risk, and as always, he thinks that you can use the commander die more than once in a turn. You cant do that, dear journal! It states specifically in the rulebook that a single die, by the attacker, can be converted into a six after a roll, once, and only once, a turn. He was just pissed off that I took Alaska before he could get a big enough army to attack Europe. What a dick. I hope he dies. So when I tell him this he hits me! Honestly! He hit me! Then when I punched him back, he flew into a rage and started mashing my head against the floor! I couldnt react fast enough. He really knows how to throw his weight around. Weve had all kinds of arguments before, I mean, weve known each other for, like, our whole lives. I had to go to the hospital and get stitches! Six of em! Worst birthday ever. I cant believe I still have another year before I get to go to high school. Everything will be different then. And dear journal, please dont fly open in the wind again. Mom got angry the last time I wrote asshole, and dick in here. Peace! *** and when I left I had only the clothes on my back and an ounce of Afghani heroin, no knowledge of English or even a legitimate visa. Certainly, I am now better off now than I would

Physic to the Dogs have been had I stayed in Leningrad, but the motherland is the motherland, and the memory of my sisters tragedy burns in my mind every day, boiling my blood and bringing back very old tears. So upon realizing what had happened to me, I knew that it was something phenomenal. But when I returned to the examination room, I was shocked, to say the least, to find the nurse throttling the poor boy, who, due to the bag, no longer appeared to me as Nikolai Andropov, the (trans.) sooka, the ebanatyi pidaraz of Leningrad. I rushed to his aid, and once freed, he left the

building as his survival did seem to be dependent on it. The bag remained however, causing him to run into many walls along the way.

PEREANT OSORES *** Excerpt audio recording: Valerie Modin, Member of AA Local Chapter 12, Oct. 17th. I have been observing the specimen for a collected thirty hours over the course of the previous week beginning October 11th 2010. The only movements recorded are as follows: at 9:36 this morning, he departed the building with a book bag. This was his first emergence since surveillance began. Though I am observing from a safe distance across the street, upon his emergence a distinct odor was present. If my memory serves, I believe it is Ct dObscur, by Alfonso Caprice. It was a most pungent odor, stinging my nostrils and blurring my vision for a moment. It is a curiously refined selection for such a young specimen. I remember reading that it is made from amorphophallus titanium, or corpse plant, a particularly rare giant flower from the jungles of Sumatra, if my memory serves me correctly. It is most curious that he would choose such an expensive draught. It most surely is putting a great strain on his student debt

Physic to the Dogs load. I have not yet even begun to consider interacting with the subject, as it is evident that his condition is so advanced that he perceives the act of leaving to be a threat to his very life. It has been my experience in my interactions with those born post-1990 the disease which my group wishes to wipe from the Earth is extremely rare in this extremity, the only cases being mild forms at the onset of puberty, usually remitting sometime in early adulthood. The insularity of the subjects world must be devastating to his already retarded socialization. Perhaps my

observations need to be expanded to form a normative sample group to compare him with. Since his only motivation seems to be the perpetuation of his avoidant behaviours, I am uncertain the group will be able to make contact within the required timeframe, let alone solicit a positive response. Upon examination of his mail, it is evident I need more practice picking locks. Once pried open, no pertinent materials could be found, but I can now place a name to the subject. He is called, Leopold Iff, and his correspondence is being forwarded from an address in a town called Whitby, some fifty kilometers outside of the city limits. My research indicates it is a bedroom community, the perfect nesting ground for his avoidant personality. At present, attempts to obtain access to his residence have roused the suspicions of other tenants, and I will no longer attempt to do so. My original intention was to secure the diary that he regularly keeps in order to further understand the subjects inner psyche. I have observed him writing almost feverishly in it during the later hours of the day. Obtaining this diary could very well be the key to earning his trust, and curbing his avoidant behaviour. It is a shame that such a young man is afflicted with this ailment, and I am now more convinced than ever that our assistance is needed.

Physic to the Dogs ***

Transcript of Malpractice Hearing: Def. Dr. A. Narkompros MD.DPh. January 21st 2011. Dr. J. Toivonen presiding. *Property of University of Toronto Archives. Toivonen It is truly unfortunate that the central witness and aggrieved party isnt present. A summons was sent to his residence. Let the minutes show that Leopold Iff was not present and we were forced to proceed without him. My judgment will take into account the absence of his testimony. Dr. Narkompros, are you aware of the contents of your report on the incident occurring September 30th 2010? Narkompros Yes. T Are you aware that it digresses for seven pages, single spaced with a font size of 10, detailing your escape from detainment by the St. Petersburg, then Leningrad, police department? N Yes. T Can you offer any reasonable explanation for why you felt the need to divulge in depth on your personal history and provide a general overview of the perestroika era of Russian History? N It is a most peculiar thing Dr. Toivonen, and any logical reason behind it still escapes me. The patient had an untraceable effect on me and the members of my staff that came in contact with him. T A nurse. Allison Forsey, if my records are correct? N Yes, doctor. T Has the cause of this effect the boy had on you and your staff been discovered? N Upon investigation we could find no corrupting agents in anything that I, or nurse Forsey, had consumed that day. At first we thought it to be a prank by some particularly malicious

Physic to the Dogs

10

students; we considered that perhaps some hallucinogen or other sensory antagonist had been put in the coffee pot, or water cooler. Upon analysis of everything that we had consumed that morning we could find no traces of any corrupting substances. T What, failing to prove that hypothesis, did you consider next? N We determined that immediate isolation of the examination room in which the primary incidents took place was necessary. We decided to conduct a gas and fluid spectral-analysis of the surfaces that the patient had come in contact with. What we discovered may be worth our weight in publications, and maybe even a couple of theses. T We are not here to discuss the ramifications of your findings. That must be left to a later date. N My apologies, doctor. What we found was that the patient secreted a pheromone that has been hitherto unknown to medical science. It is not shown to be evident in any hormone regulating glands on record, and its chemical composition is only comparable to known human pheromones in the most basic of ways. T You believe this to be why you forced your patient to wear a bag over his head, and your nurse, quote, just had to choke him, like, right there. N It is the only logical explanation. Since my practitioners license was suspended I had time to take our findings to the department of psychology and coaxed one of our PhD candidates to perform some experiments with what bits of the substance we could recover. What we discovered was that the chemical is specifically designed to interact with the amygdala of any person within nose-shot of the patient. T It interacts with the amygdala? N The area of the brain primarily responsible for memory, emotional response, a primary part

Physic to the Dogs of the limbic system

11

T I know what the amygdala is doctor, and I believe your next malpractice hearing is because of the test subjects reaction to your mystery pheromone? N Knowledge, Im sure you agree, doctor, comes at a cost. It was worth it. T A cost too high for those whove lost their eyes to sate your curiosity. How exactly do you figure it was, worth it, Dr. Narkompros? N The ramifications of our findings could be wide reaching, providing of course that the patient, Mr. Iff, decides to participate in any further investigations. I believe that the pheromone he secretes may be a mutation caused by a genetic remnant from a previous evolutionary stage. It could provide invaluable insights on how natural selection worked for our species over the course of our history. T Are you insinuating that at some point in our evolutionary history, certain individuals were genetically predisposed to be loathed and perpetually assaulted for no reason? N Natural selection, doctor. And it could have been a major determinant of how social hierarchies were constructed. This one young man could unravel centuries of inquiry and debate. T Im afraid I am under the impression that your motivations for pursuing this line of reasoning are highly suspect, and I extend your suspension to the end of this calendar year. But dont worry. I hear heroin is still very popular. This hearing is adjourned. ***

From the Journals of Leopold Iff. June 20th 2008: 7:35PM.

Physic to the Dogs

12

Hey, journal. So Ive been taking with a girl online these past few days. We seem to like all the same things. Im not sure if thats a really good barometre for whether or not were good for each other. I mean, so what if we like all the same things, right? That doesnt mean were going to like each other in person. That is of course if we ever do meet. Im not sure if I can get to South Carolina any time soon. I may not be able to travel on my own until Im sixteen. Her name is Amanda Farr (ha!). I guess its good practice for talking to girls at school, but Ive been moved to the back corner of all my classes. The teachers all say theyre sick of my acting up in class. Mr. Smith actually accused me of staying too still on purpose to annoy him. Im okay with the whole arrangement but everything seems to just be getting worse all the time. I know, journal, that it sounds like whiny and excessive self-pity, but the simple fact is Im really not sure how else to describe it. All the clichs fit. I cant wait for this nightmare to be over. I cant wait to get to university. A different city and a new start sounds pretty good right now. Theres a lot that could go wrong, of course, but anything has to be better than this. Its nothing but houses and houses as far as I can see in any direction. You have to walk for an hour to get anywhere that doesnt end in a cul-de-sac. I remember when I used to go to the forest and the park just outside of it. Before I was ten mom would always take me there and try to get me to learn how to ride a bicycle. I figured it out eventually, of course, but only after years of injuries and severe blood loss. She said one day, at least once a year, thats it, youre learning to ride a bike Leopold! and we went to the same bike path we always went to. It became something of a ritual by the time I was nine and still didnt know how to ride. There were always huge clover patches growing in the grass along the path, and all the times she tried to teach me we would always end up looking for four leaf clovers once we figured out I wasnt learning to ride that day. Wed look and in all those years

Physic to the Dogs and summers I never found one. Shed always hum the tune, Im looking over a four leaf clover too. Im sure, journal, youve heard this one before, but she found a five leaf clover. She even lacquered it to a piece of wood with my name on it. Maybe the luck will start to kick in soon.

13

Cheesy, I know. I suppose to some extent Im going to miss this place. It is home, after all. Regardless, I have to leave sooner or later. Hopefully I dont leave too late. Ill keep talking to Amanda. Maybe I can convince her to come here for a visit. I guess well see, journal. Peace! *** Transcript: AA Meeting Local Chapter 12. Feb. 19th 2011. Http://chat.AA.com/tor12.txt Modin Hello, Im Valerie, and Im an agoraphobic. Et al Hi, Valerie. M I suppose Ill start by thanking everyone for logging on to this weeks meeting. Its always a pleasure to see all the old faces coming out of the woodwork every week to contribute to our ever growing community and support network, but I do see some new faces in tonight and Id like to welcome them with open arms. Et al Keep coming back. M Yes, well get some sun on that skin yet. I think it goes without saying that theres no time like the present, and we need each other more than ever. This is a time of change for our community. Im afraid I have been asked by some of our more senior members from the regional chapter to share some unfortunate news about our ongoing legal entanglement. Im afraid we are no longer legally able to use the acronym, AA. Et al (Unintelligible)

Physic to the Dogs

14

M I know, and of course I sympathize completely. But evidently those usurping alcoholics are very protective of their acronyms. They said we were preventing them from maintaining brand integrity. Theyve apparently also advised other anonymous groups of our apparent infringement. Et al (Unintelligible) M It is important that we move on from this and count our losses. I however remain faithful that time will show that agoraphobia not only predates alcohol, but that fear takes precedence over all other vices, and time will show us to be the true AA. Et al (Applause) M As the head of the special committee for community outreach, I do have some good news. I have, as most of you know, been observing the subject Leopold Iff for several months now, and I believe we are in a position to make positive contact, and bring him within the arms of our community. Et al (Applause) M Now as you all know, I could not have done this without the support of all of you. My efforts havent exactly been tiring, what with only having to follow his movements. Et al (Laughter) M Oh, that was terrible. But weve also had help from some very important people from the university. I dont think I need to introduce Dr. Johan, who was so generous as to provide us with some recent transcripts that concern our subject. Stand up and show yourself Johan. Et al (Applause) M But Im afraid that our work is not quite finished, and we will need more volunteers to help us establish contact. Unfortunately, in order to save face with the university, Dr. Johan had to

Physic to the Dogs rather unceremoniously dismiss the doctor who may have the key to our goals. But when we

15

make contact with the subject Dr. Johan assures us that he will be able to repeat the research, and isolate the chemical we need. Now if you will please refer to the graphic I posted at the beginning of the meeting, it will detail our plan of making contact. Et al (Shuffling) M We will need at least five additional members to help storm the apartment building. As you can see I will lead the frontal assault squad, consisting of three other members while two cover the fire escape. I have ascertained that these are the only two possible routes by which he would give us the slip, so we will be sure to at least see where he goes if we somehow lose him. I believe that four will be necessary for the front door, as he will not answer the buzzer. I have been ringing it at random intervals at least twice a day for the past two weeks and he has never responded in any way. Et al (Unintelligible) M I figure that four will be necessary to operate the battering ram on both the front and the apartment doors. The team at the fire escape will have to stay sharp, as the specimens paranoia knows no limits. Once we breach the second door, he will most certainly resist, so dont spare on the bear mace, but be careful where you spray since we dont want any casualties on a simple snatch and grab. Et al (Consensus) M When we reach the rendezvous point, Dr. Johan and I will proceed to his clinic with the specimen, whereupon in the ensuing weeks, or perhaps months, we will be dedicated to isolating and replicating the compound from the subjects brain. Unfortunately, some sacrifices must be made in order to achieve a greater goal, but the world will be a much better place for it. The

Physic to the Dogs delivery system for the compound has already been constructed, and once released into the atmosphere will duplicate the condition, we hope, wholly and permanently, in every human being. There will be no more outside world to fear, and we will finally be left to ourselves and only ourselves. Our community will be greater than even our founders could have possibly imagined, and all thanks to your dues and efforts. Give yourselves a hand. Youve earned it. Et al (Applause)

16

M - Any questions should be asked now, as the chat history will be deleted after this meeting so as not to draw any further attention. If that is all I suggest we say the serenity prayer, and move on to our speaker for the evening. Et al God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Mark Sullivan Hi, Im Mark, and Im an agoraphobic. Et al Hi, Mark. Mark I first realized that I was an agoraphobic when I couldnt leave the house for my daughters birth. Staying at home that day was the best, and worst day of my life. I watched TV and ate corn chips all day. It felt like a warm hug, and it just spiraled out of control from there

PEREAT DIABOLUS *** From the Journals of Leopold Iff. April 11th 2011: ?

Physic to the Dogs The wretched clock is finally gone, journal. I decided to act. Today was the last time I will see the damned sequence, 12:34. For a few weeks my compulsion to look at the clock did not fall on that exact minute, but varied. Sometimes it was before, sometimes after 12:34, but always near. It was enough to quell the hate for a time. The clock dared to show me that mocking face one last time, at which point I took the clock from the nightstand, set it in the microwave and relished in its suffering for three minutes on high. The thing slowly sank into itself, becoming amorphous, save for the few spikes of silicate jutting out of the blackening mess. It hissed and bubbled until it cooled and globbed itself to the glass turnstile, to remain there forever. Naturally, the microwave is also no more. It will go down in history as a necessary sacrifice for a greater good.

17

Whoever has been trying to contact me has stopped. I have been taking shifts staring out the peephole of my door a few hours at a time. I have given myself time to sleep for a half hour once every six. The rest of the day I have reserved for keeping my vigil. I have not yet succumbed to the need to fetch supplies, and I have not attempted to contact anyone to deliver any. I have run out of books to read and movies to watch, and had I been able to attend classes as I intended this year, Im sure I would have proven to be an outstanding student. Instead I have been left with no choice but to cloister myself here, where only the shadows through the peephole can threaten me. The curtains have not moved from their places over the windows, and neither has the chain from the door. The clock is dead, the outside, obscured, so time no longer has any meaning; I no longer see past or future, but only a present without expression. I am here. Forgive me dear journal, as it is hard to not be self-centred and melodramatic when you are the only world you know. Every banal event is a newspaper headline spinning in front of you, each as, if not more, important than the last.

Physic to the Dogs I remember the last day I went outside, sometime in February. The winter usually is a time of peace for me. The cold weather and heavy coats stifle the odor that condemned me to reclusion. It was the early evening and as I walked down the street I received the typical looks

18

and walked as fast as I could towards home. As I turned a corner I found an undulating mass of people, as if parading, almost shoulder to shoulder walking towards me. Im aware of how many people are living in this city, but this was unprecedented for me. I knew then that I missed some news at some point. This was a rally of some kind I was too agitated after wards to bother finding out what exactly it was about. The mass of people suddenly rushed towards me as great plumes of white smoke shot upwards behind them, and I instantly froze. I expected to be trampled, crushed, or maimed, I wasnt sure. But surely I was to be brutalized in some ritualistic manner to appease some God somewhere. I put my hands up to my face when suddenly time seemed slowed to a trickle. My eyes clamped shut I waited for the globular mass of flesh and bone to consume me. After a moment I dared to open my eyes, and was amazed to see these people, expressions all hurried and panicked, inching towards me, parting left and right to avoid me like I was some immovable object. Behind them the massive cloud of tear gas ached outwards in twisted wisps following drafts of light wind. Coming through those mists were riot police all in black. Covering their faces were apocalyptic masks with tinted ellipses where eyes would be, and filed down tusks for mouths. Anonymous and expressionless. I knew then that I could not leave the apartment again until I could get some professional help. Nobody perceives time in slow motion without there being a screw or two loose. I nevertheless found myself relishing it. For the first time in my life I was in the centre of a group of people. Their expressions were all clear to me, but I could not assign which meant what. Surprised, afraid, excited, frantic or any shape of mouth or width of eye was lost on me. It had

Physic to the Dogs been so long since I had seen an expression other than anger, hate or suspicion, and no ones eyes were on me. The gas I suppose made the product of my cursed glands invisible to their nostrils. I knew the expressions were different from one another but I could assign no words to them. All were merely a part of one great paroxysm. Dear journal, it stayed that way for what seemed hours, though it was only a few moments at most. As the gas slowly started to sting my eyes and make my breathing labourious, I passed

19

out. When I came to one of the elephant men hovered above me. I heard a muffled expression of concern, to which I assured the person behind the tinted glass that I would be fine. He gave me a bottle of water and I was left standing in the empty street with the last few wisps of slowly disappearing into the air. Time had returned. *** From The Toronto Star: April 28th 2011. Break and Enter by Local Support Group Foiled. Six members of a local support group called Agoraphobics Anonymous were apprehended attempting to break into an apartment building in Lower Ossington last night. The group claimed to be attempting to recover a member who had not attended meetings for some months. Their apprehension coincides with a recent anonymous tip that the group was responsible for the kidnapping of respected medical professor at the University of Toronto, Dr, Johan Toivonen. The apparent leader of the operation, Valerie Modin, declined to comment on either matter. A neighbour called police informing them that four people dressed in black were

Physic to the Dogs attempting to batter open the front door of the building with a large wooden log, but were apparently too wary of touching each other to complete the task.

20

Police seized the makeshift battering ram along with three large aerosol cans of restricted bear mace. The group was charged with vandalism, possession of a restricted weapon, and resisting arrest. All six members became violent with one another when placed inside a police wagon, forcing police to transport them using separate vehicles. The arraignments are to take place on Monday. *** June 8th 2011. Dear journal. I am terribly sorry I have been neglecting you these past few weeks, but St. Petersburg is definitely the most astonishing place Ive ever been. Dr. Narkompros may have saved my life by getting me on that plane, and he has been kind enough to let me explore the city on my own. He says its nothing like he remembers, and has even stopped screaming in his sleep. I dont speak the language, I dont know the streets and that is precisely what makes it so grand. I wish I could do without the paper bag, but right now, I think Ill manage

***