Advice For Evil Overlords Part 4

Instead of attempting to take over the world starting with highly developed countries, I will start my world conquest in Southern Asia and Africa (or whatever Universe I happen to be stuck in's equivalent to an area that is poor, badly defended, and has little importance on the global market.) The plan goes as follows: o Buy lots of weapons. Key elements include RPGs, tanks, and a healthy amount of bulletproof vests and cheap, but effective rifles. The AK-47 should be good enough. All of these will allow my soldiers to have complete dominance over anything but a strike from the air, and that is unlikely in developing countries. o Hire most of the inhabitants of a few villages. I will start with one with a high population, a good amount of local villages, and one that happens to have a large problem with unemployment and food (well, a larger problem than most.) With promises of excitement, women (who are "relocated" from the areas I conquer), and most importantly, food, it shouldn't be hard to get a good army. o Attack. First village, everybody dies except the women and children, soldiers get second pick of the women. The children are raised fairly, so that I will have a new generation of loyal troops once I create my empire. Alternatively, kill the children if you believe your universe is the type where an orphaned child will wind up becoming an absurdly kickass teenager who has the skills to kill your entire army. o Third village, you should have most people just begging to join. Let them. o Now, here comes the diplomatic part. You establish yourself as a fairly strict, but not totally intolerant, state of a certain religion. It doesn't matter what, it just can't be something the world's superpowers don't like. Make sure that you are AGAINST the religion the world's superpowers don't like. Essentially, if you were to carve up SW Asia, establish yourself as Jewish, or some tribal religion, or Christian. It doesn't really matter (just don't kill Israel.) Ask for government funding from the US. Now, you should be getting millions of (ill-spent) taxpayer money with which to fund your army. o Continue to preform attacks on more villages, and expand your empire. Attempt to take all areas that are good for farming, so that you don't have to worry as much about food for your army. If you feel like starting a war and conquering a nation, now is probably the time to do so. Just make sure that you are not

attempting to conquer somebody strongly allied with whoever is giving you funding, or strongly allied with somebody who could hurt you. o Alternatively, kick back and relax. You now control a sizable portion of land that is useless, have first pick of all the women you conquered (you are evil, after all. Just have them reeducated in the dungeons for a week, and they will be begging to service you), and have enough money to afford all modern conveniences (hell, be nice and give those conveniences to your troops.) If you want to go with this route and still conquer, you can do so. Just try not to make too many enemies, and try to only attack targets you can defeat with the sheer presence of your army, instead of actually having to lose men (if somebody resists, morale could drop, and in an empire like this you do NOT want your soldiers thinking "maybe this guy isn't so good of a leader after all.") o Sounds more like generic African warlord then evil overlord to me. Yes, your chances of survival are higher, but it's not the real deal is it? A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step! o It's easier than that actually. You just topple the goverment and make sure everybody gets education, healthcare and basic services and the whole population will accept you as they overlord since they're better off with you. I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. If fiction has taught me anything, an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord. o Addendum: I will also realize that certain Evil Overlord rules will change with the times. For example, Evil Overlord rule 84 ("I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.") should, in our (somewhat) more accepting times should read "I will not have captives of one sex guarded by any henchmen attracted to that sex." As technology, tolerance, and other factors of society advance, I should keep my personal Evil Overlord list updated. Villains who can't change with the times become the crazy old hobos who keep going on about "them newfangled automobiles" well into the 21st century. o Of course, once I find out what works, I'll keep doing that until it stops working. I will never wear a cape. o If I do decide to wear a cape, it will be tied on in such a way that it comes off when pulled. This will allow me to look cool without worrying about it being used to catch me or strangle me. Heck, it might even distract the hero when he pulls on my cape while I escape and he is left with the cape. I will also wire my cape with Semtex if I think the hero may try to pull it off. The only person with the detonator for my bomb-cape will be me. Due to the instability of Semtex, on second thought, I'll just wire it with C4, to avoid blowing myself up. Or I'll just wear body armor stiff enough to allow no shrapnel to cut through, but flexible enough to absorb the concussive force from the blast, while also being pretty much flameproof. Semtex isn't any less stable than C4. Screw it. There's just too many things that can go wrong with strapping explosives to my back. o Well, I will wear a cape that when grabbed by the hero, will detach from me and begin to strangle him.

Heck, I will wear a cape that strangles the hero even if he doesn't try to pull it off. Why not a cape that detaches to strangle the hero AND explodes? (Of course, it would do so automatically once it reliably sees - or senses in a way not prone to false replication - that the wearer is out of range) All the benefit of strangling and exploding with the added benefit of targeting the jugular for a much more guaranteed fatality. Actually, I'll just get a cape that attacks the hero. But instead of strangling the hero, my cape will beat the crap out of him. And then explode. That way, the hero will know he was defeated by clothing. o You know what, screw it, I just won't wear a cape. Where's the fun in that? What's the point of being an Evil Overlord if you're not able to enjoy the sight of your nemesis being strangled, and then blown up (or something equally unpleasant), by a fashion accessory? The fun is in ruling the world with an iron fist until the day I die. Having an exploding cape isn't worth it if it gets me killed. Awesome, but Impractical is a trope for a reason. o Screw all of that. My cape will be my most trusted lieutenant. It will be able to dual wield lightsabers, and I will dispatch it to kill the hero long before he ever finds me. Should I die while it is away, the cape will become my Dragon Ascendant. Because that would be Crazy Awesome. All Hail Lord Cloak! I will avoid wearing a mask if at all feasible. o I will ABSOLUTELY wear a face mask. With some type of built in escape mechanism should it be ripped from my face, at the very least a flashbang or concussion bomb of some sort, anything to render the hero helpless for a moment. If I want to go all out, it will have small needles coated with some type of poison that I conveniently have an immunity to. Preferably, I will be wearing a latex mask of someone the hero cares for deeply underneath it for shock value. I will NOT waste the moment of shock with evil gloating. The bomb could be bad if it fires prematurely. The poison could work as long as I continue to have the immunity. Otherwise, forget it. o Unless it makes me more powerful or if I need to hide my identity. I may also wear a mask to conceal my disfigurement. However, I will do this only if it is a legitimately gruesome disfigurement, and not just a few scratches on one cheek. I will also first try any techniques which can restore my looks. And make sure I don't put the metal on while it's still hot. o If I need to hide my identity with a mask, then that mask will, through either technology or magic (or both), at the very least change my voice. Other functions should include a breath mask and protection from bullets. And it must be sufficiently cool. As long as it does not make me a ripoff of Darth Vader. Although a mask similar to Tuxedo Mask's one would confuse the resident otaku hero, Just as Planned.

If for some reason I must wear a mask, I will try to make it something that is not sinister in some manner. Things such as skulls, demons, etc. tend to unsettle subordinates, lower moral and make myself a more obvious target for assassination attempts. If I must wear such a mask for whatever reason I will require all my minions to wear the same mask to confuse said possible assassin. After, of course, making another way to identify it is me, so no one can pull off a mutiny by mask alone. And no leather dress/catsuit with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really wants to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it. o Keeping in mind the usually positive cleavage-to-skill correlation in most femme fatale outfits, I will design the most Stripperiffic costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions. o Though not "too" ambitious, obviously. o Hey, I just trained them to regard long pants and a high neckline as the ultimate reward. Toppling my rule is going to seem so overreaching as to be lunacy to them. o Male henchmen can wear skirts and catsuits if they want provided they're sufficiently pretty, as long as they shave anywhere that'll be showing. o I will. Also, all female minions must be barefoot. This not only covers my own appeal, but it makes them much more capable of not being heard by the hero while they're walking. Obvious exceptions will be made for situational safety, of course. Question: What would "situational safety entail?" Any time that her cries of pain would cancel out the benefit of walking quietly, I would assume. Why not just have them wear comfortable shoes that are designed to be quiet? Felt soles, soft rubber, that sort of thing? CARPETING MAN, USE CARPETS!! Free socks for all employees. Whist on the subject of my appearance, I will never look like Cesare from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. It never helps. o I will hire Johnny Depp to to do that, only he can pull it off. I will never, EVER, EVER do anything that would cause me to cross the Moral Event Horizon. My publicity ratings are important, and if I lose the support of my audience, I'm screwed. Also, I will make sure to update my evil overlord list properly when tropes get renamed, to avoid unintentional reference to raping my audience. o In this vein, I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the fanbase. o If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, I can see the horizon over there!
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But first, I will consult my advisers to make sure that it is necessary. It's important to keep both mine and my enemy's abilities in perspective. No matter how tempting, I will not employ time-travel in any of my evil schemes. It always ends poorly. Or begins poorly. It's hard to tell with time-travel. o If I DO have to time travel, and the time machine itself must remain in the present, I will not leave the device where the rebels can capture it, and use it to send back in time the man who will not only thwart my scheme, but also father the current rebel leader. o If Future Me shows up and tries to convince me that I need to go time traveling with him in order to save the universe from a Cosmic Horror who is Eviler Than Me, then I will shoot him. If he really was me from the future then he would have known better than to try to reason with a super villain. I'd shoot me and take my place, if I traveled back in time. If he does anything else, he's not me. Hell, if he doesn't KNOW I'm going to shoot him, he's not me. o If I need Past Me to go time traveling with me in order to save the universe from a Cosmic Horror who is Eviler Than Us, then I will bring a tranquilizer gun. You know what? Why not just memorize a code word to tell myself when I go back in time? That way the past-me would know that I'm me, and he wouldn't shoot me. o Y'know what? If this situation ever comes up, I'm going straight to the hero and his buddies to enlist their help, and then we'll go back in time and enlist Past Hero too. The combined power of me and double my arch-rival ought to do it, and Past Me will have a clear field to wreak some havoc while Past Hero is occupied. But it goes without saying that I'll still be bringing the tranquilizer gun. o I'll go back in time to make sure everything is done to ensure that I am given the resources needed as an overlord early in life, while also depriving the hero of his necessary items. Dealing with a Cosmic Horror that is Eviler Than Me is not an evil scheme. When you're an Evil Overlord, everything you do is an evil scheme. And it goes without saying that I'll still be bringing the tranquilizer gun. It's nice to have a hobby. No! Hobbies are bad! I will use time travel to improve my situation and ruin the hero's. Though, y'know, if I have the chance to just go ahead and kill Past Hero without causing a paradox, I won't disregard it out of pride. o Actually, if I obtain access to a Time Travel Machine, I will just cut out the Hero entirely, go further into the past and set up a tidy little Kingdom using my Sufficiently Advanced technology. The mudgrubbing peons will grovel, I will usher in a new age of prosperity with my Evil Science/Magic, and most importantly, prove to be an inspiration to my subjectively Past Self (to whom I will will the whole of my vast fortune). And I'll still bring the Tranquilizer Gun, just to be safe. o If Finagle's Law has made an appearance at any point, than should I come across a time machine, I will torch it immediately and the author be damned.
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If the mecha exist. I shall determine where my universe falls on the Sliding Scale of Real Robot Genre and Super Robot Genre, before I do anything. o If my enemy owns his own Humongous Mecha, I will obtain the design specs and make my own evil version. Battle effectiveness is not guaranteed, but I can make a killing on the merchandising. I recommend against it, that never helps. Sabotaging the mecha is generally more effective, though temporary. Stealing the mecha entirely and then melting it down is probably the best approach. Using the mecha personally will only result in it being stolen back. o As an alternative, if the hero starts building a Mecha I'll build a few dozen tanks for the same price. Then I'll have them shoot his ankles off... giant bipedal robots are a lot less impressive when they can't stand up. o But before I do that, I will find out why he went to all the trouble to build a mecha. Given the time and the number of people that would have to be involved, at least one would likely have realized the inherent problems. Given that, if it gets built anyway, there's probably a damn good reason. Because it gives more plusses. o I will always keep in mind, however, that Conservation of Ninjutsu frequently applies to machines too, and that it is really embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha. It makes you look weak and unimaginative. I'll build one, ginormous, efficient tank. While the hero designs a complicated robot hand to hold his gun, I shall simply build the gun right into the tank, and make a killing on savings. Which I can use to build a better gun. That sort of thing. That didn't work very well when Those Wacky Nazis tried it , though... so maybe not. I'll build a mockup of an appropriately evil-looking Humongous Mecha thus reaping the marketing benefits as well, but fit it with no actual weapon-systems - only enough power and mobility for basic movement. Instead, I'll fit it with a tactical nuclear weapon and a remote-control. When the hero tries to engage my mech in melee combat and they always DO, for some reason - I just make sure I'm well outside the blast-range and press the red button. My PR Department will inform anyone who complains that the experimental fusion reactor in the hero's mech went critical due to apparent design flaws. o Wait a minute. I'm both well aware of what is Cool, but Inefficient and am Dangerously Genre Savvy. To that end, I'll go both ways, and construct a force of fairly smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in, probably quadrupedal or even more leggy, to avoid dangers to their mobility. These smaller mecha will thus have all the advantages of the Rule Of Cool inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas. I will also ensure that all of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both

Nominal Importance and dodging Conservation of Ninjutsu. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a Misaimed Fandom, making them unable to die. I'm Dangerously Genre Savvy; I might as well take advantage of it. Y'know what? How about making them capable of fusing into one big mecha? This will make 'em really invincible to Conservation of Ninjutsu. It's the way how Power Rangers won nearly all of their battles. Remembering that named pilots have a higher chance of going rogue than the unnamed ones, I will keep the best, most highly developed machine to myself. It will not, however, be the largest onemy Dragon gets that. And for extra safety, any time I build a superpowerful robot/ battle suit/ tank/ etc., I will add an ultra-secure remote-controlled detonator. When the hero steals it, or it goes rogue, or my henchman does a Heel Face Turn, I'll blow it up. On second though, I might be able to take one of these smaller robots using the power granted from being a Bad Ass overlord. I will build/hire/train one of everything, giving me a versatile and near invincible force. One of everything is an awful strategy. It's much more efficient to partially specialize in certain techs, with supporting techs that are specifically effective against any attack type that the specialized tech is weak to - it may not be as versatile, but it sure as hell won't spread my forces so thin a single artillery piece can't do much, for example, and will require some tank and infantry defensive forces. Having only one repair mech will also drag the whole thing down if the good guys attack in force. I will at least train a phalanx of spearmen, in case the heroes' mecha reach my lair. I will also consider sending out infantry in light body armour with anti-tank weaponry. Surely the young boy who just Fell Into The Cockpit of the enemy's latest super robot will be reluctant to kill without the buffer a giant robot or power armour provides? The ultimate trick is to give myself a disadvantage. I mean, one man with a rocket launcher is pretty weak against a bipedal apocalypse, but due to my genre savvyness, I know this actually mean instant victory for the one guy. So really, against The Hero's mecha, I will send my most pathetic troops, on foot, with no armor, maybe a toothpick as a weapon. I will also make sure that everyone feels sorry for them, as they are Ineffectual Sympathetic Villains bordering on being complete woobies. Should the hero still destroy them, the backlash will make his ratings go straight to hell, with everyone wondering What the Hell, Hero?. Best strategy. Even if you're up against an Anti Hero, as long as he's responsible for most of the collateral damage plus the murders of your lightly armed human soldiers he's sure to have his piloting license revoked. Avoid inflicting civilian casualties. If nothing else, all the bad publicity his behavior generates will result in you becoming the hero and him the villain. Never, under any circumstances, cross the Godzilla Threshold. Let him do it first, then unleash your unstoppable fleets of war

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machines when public outcry demands it. Be quick with the relief efforts after each confrontation. I will, instead of going to all the trouble of making an elaborate counter, have a mock-up shell made with a giant sword, and leave it in a field. Of mines. Screw that, I'll just buy the mooks the hero has working for them and give them top of the range equipment for them to build a much more advanced mecha capable of wiping out an entire mecha army in one blow. Which the hero will then steal. Scrap that idea. Alternatively, I will build a bigger, cooler version of the heroes' mecha. In white. I will have it piloted by an angsty antihero who was tricked into working for me. When the heroes inevitably convert him and he parks his robot in their base, I will activate the remote detonation feature I haven't told him about and watch the fireworks. Which the hero will steal before it's finished and/or before you've installed the explosives. Scrap that idea. Obiously, the explosives are put in first. The rest of the mecha is built around them. Who needs explosives when mecha run on ultra-destructive engine cores? Just put in a meltdown setting you can activate by remote. Or, you could be REALLY savvy and create your ultimate mecha with the intention of it being stolen. And rig the cockpit with multiple deathtraps, and the engine with a remote control shutdown. Banana peels? Tanks? Mines? None of you Overlord wannabes are particularly Genre Savvy, are you? If you want to be successful, you had better groom yourself to be the prettiest Bishounen you can muster to get all the fangirls on your side. Now, get yourself the coolest, white-colored mecha your eccentric dev team can create and pilot it yourself. You'll have both sides of the fanbase eating out of your hand as you usurp the role of Best Character on the Show, thus giving you Contractual Immortality and a steady stream of Mid Season Upgrades to Take Over the World with. On the other hand, fangirls have about as much control over most shows' content as they do over the laws of physics. If anything, they often bug the creators so much that I'll probably get killed in an especially painful way just to spite them. Instead I will rely on a mix of humor and Badassitude to garner the sympathy of the general fanbase and specifically do whatever the writers/director/producer think is really cool. I will set out to be the most awesomely manly and humorous character since Kamina from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, and in so doing aim for the Sephiroth Factor: There is no such thing as a Moral Event Horizon if you're cool enough. At worst, I'll come up roses with some delicious Joker Immunity. The rule is Do not fight the Hero in a Mecha. It is never a good idea. If I find the hero is in the process (or has just finished the process) of acquiring a Mecha, I will start by checking the status of my plans. If my military-based world takeover plan can be run with 90% or better confidence right now, I will run it, ignoring the Hero as I do so. (Hopefully it'll succeed, and then I can deal with the Hero as a

lone resistance.) If not, I will immediately abort any and all plans for a military takeover, and use my Army of Doom as a mercenary force instead. (With discounts for 'good causes', of course.) Meanwhile I will start plans for economic or political takeovers instead, using the income from my mercenary force as funding. Worst case the Hero will leave me alone as a greedy-but-useful semi-ally while kicking someone else's ass. Best case the Hero will have no one to fight, and will therefore retire. 90% chance in my favor? The odds don't come much worse than that! And if I have already taken over the world, I will start a plan of economic improvement in the area likely to be the Hero's base. Important parts of the plan will include buying up old warehouses (and using or demolishing them) and increasing the number of cool-but-time-consuming jobs available for unskilled labor. (Particularly teenagers with piloting skills.) I will calmly ask the hero WHY he's out to get me. If he thinks I'm a tyrant, I'll blame my underlings and feign innocence. Fight the "unnoticed" corruption in my government. Create a charity called "Puppies for Orphans" or something like that. Given enough good publicity, I might even be able to More than Mind Control that idiot and gain an unstoppable new liuetenant in the process! All I have to do is demonstrate how my conquest of all creation is for the greater good. In fact, if I have economic control of the area, I will just cancel the bank loan the Hero is using to finance developing and building his mecha. This will, of course, cause him to build it out of scrap metal and spare parts (perhaps in a cave), but this will take much longer and allow me to work on contingencies in the meantime. I'd just skip all these preparations and when the Hero comes out with his highlytechnological Mecha, I'd simply deploy an EMP. With his (or her) mecha disabled, all killing the Hero would entail is about the same effort as killing someone in a giant metal cage... that doesn't move. Of course, I will likely blast the damn thing into oblivion before he or she can get out ANYWAY, but that's just a precaution. And if, by some small chance the Hero thought to make the mecha so it is unaffected by EMP blasts, repeated bombardment via dozens of cruise missiles will just have to do. Don't think I'd send the troops in to fight a Mecha unless necessary. I'd just kill the workers. Is there still a problem if there's no mecha to start with? Prevention is the easiest plan here; If I find the hero is building a mecha, I will destroy it while it is unfinished. Note that unfinished means "has not yet been outfitted with weapons" or "has no legs", not "is still in the prototype stage". If they have already completed the Super Prototype, I will not attack them until they actually start mass-producing the mecha. Mass-produced versions of anything usually suck, and the Conservation of Ninjutsu will be on my side. While their mecha army is attacking my (fake) base, I will send my most competent group of minions to retrieve the prototype, which was put into storage as soon as mass production began and is probably not guarded very well. Then my Mad Scientist will

upgrade the prototype, which I will now use as my own personal mecha. Unless I decide to iron out the flaws and build myself an even better one. If this is the case, The Dragon gets the original prototype, which will be outfitted with a bomb if anything goes wrong. o No, I think that your going about the mecha thing all wrong, most mecha heroes are fighting to eliminate war right? all I do is say that you decided to become peaceful, enter into negotiations with him, and while he is negotiating with me, a highly trained team of techies sabotages his giant mecha, then I simply shoot him, if he happens to escape my guns? he boards a mecha that will automatically blow in his face as soon as he turns it on. No. While most Real Robot Genre pilot are Ordinary High School Student who love peace, they're working for The Federation which is also manipulated by Smug Snake (surprised to see Eviler than Thou?) In Super Robot Genre setting, they're rebellious Hot Blood whose will never go to negotiation. Heck, even if the plan succeeds, the bomb most likely will kill his little sister instead. My legion might almost conquer Earth in the following episode, but then the hero will comeback with Mid-Season Upgrade and may even become Anti-Hero for the sister. If you absolutely must fight, remember that you're up against a cocky teenager with a heroism complex. Send a Dragon or other trusted (and competent) subordinate to fight them, without a mecha of their own. Instruct this person to demand that the hero "fight like a man" and wait for the wannabe-ace to dismount. Then, your man either flattens them orbetter yet-hijacks their mecha and flattens them. In the event that the hero is Genre Savvy enough not to fall for this, know beforehand so you don't sacrifice a key underling for no return. It doesn't have to be the Dragon, honestly. Any red shirt will do. And who knows, you might find out he's actually a competent subordinate waiting for a chance to prove himself. Maybe he wins the fight and you don't even HAVE to backstab anyone. If a previously powerless hero has started glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers, for fucks sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom. When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) then I'll shoot them. If I absolutely, positively, pathologically must taunt the hero with my plan, I will first have a qualified Doctor cut the nerve endings of his spine. You don't see too many quadriplegic protagonists. o Alternatively, I will do the spinal cutting myself. If I screw up, literally what is the worst that could happen? o No, first I will smash his arms and legs with a sledgehammer. You can't buy that kind of entertainment. Hello? Moral Event Horizon breakage right there. What Moral Event Horizon? I'm evil!

Never justify your actions with "I'm f***ing evil!" There's no point in reading these lists if that's your train of thought. The idea is to convince people you're NOT evil, so they won't want to kill you in the first place. Oh sure, tell that to Public Relations... right after your fool-proof plan blows up (and in the case of mecha, quite literally) in your face, after you lose your fanbase that had granted you your immortality. So like the original list said, I will never tell the hero my plan. Ever. If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable. o Hell, if I know the layout of their base well enough to know where the barracks are, I should know where the hangar bay, motor pool, and/or armory would be, and should begin by seizing and/or destroying those. Airstrike time! However, that has a tendency to result in a variation on the above flaw, in that with all their regular weapons and vehicles destroyed, the heroes will be forced to field their highly-experimental prototype instead, which will promptly turn out to be more effective than their entire regular forces combined. The airstrike should be refined to target the laboratory areas marginally in advance of the hangar bay, motor pool, etc. I will also be sure to include a few well-trained teenagers as an advanced theft force. No mentally unstable girls (Wait. Scratch that. No girls. Period.), because they will always fall in love with the Hero/AntiHero/Lancer. I will send a bunch of well-trained teenage eunuchs. That should take care of any pesky Foe Yay instances. Instead of sending no girls, I shall send a group of attractive female pilots between the ages of fifteen and thirty. They shall all be fanatically loyal to me and shall all carry a disassembled submachine gun concealed on their person. Their orders will be to eject from their craft at the slightest hint of danger, allow themselves to be rescued by the hero, pretend to fall in love at first sight, then shoot him In the Back as soon as he turns away. o Should my enemy use some powerful war machines usable by any child, I'll covertly recruit teen fans of relevant simulators in appropriate numbers, promising them a chance to pilot the real thing. My Black Ops will smuggle these volunteers into the enemy hangars in order to hijack aforementioned machines, so the enemy will face a crowd of unpredictable trigger-happy munchkins amidst their base. Also, it will give the enemy bad PR for poor security, destruction of their base and killing innocent kids who just wanted to play. This will reduce the possibility that some inane genius would ever join the enemy ranks, due to both bad PR and because I just got rid of most candidates (by proxy). Any survivor of this operation mad enough to wish for more will be enlisted immediately (shock troops for free!). If I care about my approval ratings, I need to either make sure any survivors remain under my careful surveillance and custody during the entire operation, or that they don't learn of my involvement until they're back in my custody afterward.

Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of Humongous Mecha, they will all be experimental prototypes. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype. o Note: That mecha I had the mooks build for me should be able to wipe out the whole base with one shot. Clones. BAD. o I will never create an army of clones. o I will never clone myself to have a backup body. If I do clone myself to have a backup body, I will keep the clone in stasis until needed. I will also perfect a foolproof method of transferring my consciousness between clone bodies, because the point here is for me to conquer the world. My identical twin doing it just isn't the same. Said clone shall be totally brain-dead. Unless said foolproof method of transferring my consciousness does not transfer my mind as well. Best way of using a cloned body is if it's in a Rei Ayanami scheme... Without the Angel part, of course. o I will never clone the hero. On the contrary, I will clone an army out of that hero, with the same memories and as heroic as the hero. That way Conservation of Ninjutsu will be on my side. Conservation of Ninjutsu will only get you so far. Eventually, they'll start attacking and you'll have to start killing them. When it comes down to one left, conservation ends and you have one full-powered hero. Then I might make some more clones. Sure that is not a way to get rid of that pesky Hero but it might buy me enough time to come up with something that might actually kill him. Possible, but there have got to be cheaper ways of stalling him than that. o The only way cloning is acceptable is if it's a part of expanding the Hive Mind. And even then, it's still not a good idea unless I'm part of that Hive Mind. And then only if I'm the controlling part. Clone Hitler is a even worse idea. I will have it on a bulletin board. Those who encourage it get killed. Those who notice get promotions. o I will be sure to look into cloning an army of mooks, or even a clone army of me. Seriously, what part of "Clone. BAD." don't you understand? o Of course, a clone one eight my size can come in handy. And of course, if I create a clone one eighth my size, I'll remember to treat it well so it doesn't betray me. If I do build an Amusement Park Of Doom, I won't go the tired old deathtrap-rollercoaster route. It's too obvious, and cost-ineffective. Instead, I'll just overcharge for beverages, and never let the hero realize they're financially supporting my evil schemes. o Better yet, to be truly evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then install overpriced pay toilets. And charge both to enter and to exit. And to flush. And to wipe.

And there will be a maze that the hero will have to navigate in order to reach them. And there will be fines for inadequate hand-washing. Fines generate cash, and catching dysentery off the Idiot Hero is not how I plan to end my reign of terror. o Wait, I've just remembered the Theme Park video game. Free fries, salty as the Bonneville Flats, and drinks that cost an arm and a leg (literally, if desired). Besides, even those with the mildest Anti-Hero tendencies will just piss in the bushes anyway. Which will always have loose wires leading to self-contained solarpowered electric cells, because no deaths are funnier than frying via the old urethra. Especially when replayed several times. Then, I will send the footage to one of those home-video television shows, whereupon I will undoubtedly win the grand-prize at the end of the season. If this fails in America, I will send it South of the Border. They love the Groin Attack there. o Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which only I (supposedly) have the cure. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a MacGuffin, at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a fast-acting poison that kills him in half an hour. o There should be no cotton candy. o There will be cake. o Why am I building a Circus of Fear again? Screw this I will hire a competent psychiatrist to remove the compulsion that led me to do this in the first place and then go and do something useful. To assuage my needs, I will build a regular Amusement Park with an Of Doom theme. That oughta scratch my itch and provide some much-needed funding for the real plans. Not to mention making me look better to the kids. o Wait, why would I want to build an amusement park? I'll just buy Disneyland! Just buy Disney altogether. It probably rules, like, half of the world already. And then put subliminal messaging in the movies/television shows/music. Except Pixar movies. We shan't be ruining those. Too Late. o Instead of making an amusement park of doom, let's make everything funnier and far more overpriced than Disney! Ah, and it'll have anime. Heroes love anime. If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of Plot Coupons, I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that cannot be opened until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are on the other side of the door. o On a related note, I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure

sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is. o Plus anybody who has a guide. Note to self: kill guide publishers. I will publish my own guide, with several slight inaccuracies - accidentally replacing "suicidal" with "extremely effective", that sort of thing. Better yet, if at all possible, I will attempt to gain control over the translators, especially the ones in charge of translating discussion about the giant scorpion which will counterattack when its tail is down. o Of course, an obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere, is a password. o The password will not be "Swordfish". It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation. o I will set up long puzzles that are literally impossible and hope the heroes try to solve it and get distracted long enough for some minions to kill them, but not before they find the joke that makes fun of them that I put in the puzzle, just for laughs. It won't work as someone is proving it going suck. o The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309! If the password will be referencing pop culture, why not make pop culture decades before the hero is born? If the hero was born the same year as me, he may get 8675309, but not what Puttin' on the Ritz MEANS! If you're blue and you don't know where to go why don't you go where fashion sits? (I was born on May of '92. If the song is at all played/broadcast where anyone and everyone can hear, it fails this. In fact, make all passwords be foreign words, phonetically written, with minor misspellings. A phonetically written password, regardless of whether or not it is spelled correctly, is still easier to remember than random letters, numbers, and punctuation. If I can't be bothered to spend 10 minutes memorizing a random-looking password that leads to everything important to my Evil Plan, I don't deserve to be Evil Overlord. o If at all possible, I will have my Dev team make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone who's voice WAS in the databanks, they Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day. I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best. o Make this top priority. Heroes and deadness don't go together well. And even if I succeed, I will not rule out the possibility of him to come Back from the Dead in some way.

If he does, be prepared. Rearrange his corpse with explosives, so the minute he comes back you can just blow him up. Why not just blow him up the instant his body is found? If his friends don't need the body to bring him back, it's not like wiring his corpse is going to do much good anyway. For the sheer joy of this scenario: The instant the hero comes back to life he embraces his Love Interest happily. I detonate the explosives, and they both die horribly. Bonus points if the Love Interest was the on who revived him. If I am ever so bored as to feel the need to destroy a planet for my own amusement, I will blow up an uninhabited gas giant, rather than an insignificant blue planet with a population that might include potential heroes. Besides, gas giants blow up with satisfyingly dramatic explosions; they're more fun anyway. o I will then remember that gas giants are thousands of times more massive than small rocky planets, take forever to expand even with the proper energy input, and were probably home to a psychic gestalt hydrogen based race who communicated with a priestly caste a thousand light years away, the last member of which will dedicate his life to slaying me. If I must blow things up, I will implicate a lesser functionary as the horrific destructor of sentient lifeforms afterward, and choose small, lifeless moons with no possibility of any life present to blow up. No doubt there is a tiny, shielded colony within its rocky surface that my men overlooked, but the Fall Guy will take the blame and be already dead by the time the last survivors come after me. Ahem. o You know what, I just won't blow up any planets. Wal-Marts will do, nobody will miss those. o Under no circumstances will I blow up the local Target, however. I have to get my socks somewhere, after all. They are really asking for it with that name though. o The name IS too tempting. I will steal my socks from Abercrombie and Fitch, and watch the mushroom cloud while enveloped in silky comfort. o Screw you guys, I will solve the great "should Pluto be a planet debate" by blowing it up. There, no need to worry about it any more. Good show! And while we're at it, i really hate that Uranus pun... let's go ahead and blow that up too. I also never liked Venus being both the Morning and Evening Star. That just pisses me off. Blowing up Pluto may be a very, very bad idea. Don't bother destroying Saturn, it will just be reborn, and that will be just plain frustrating. I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: Genre Savvy or b: extremely campy. o And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be both. o I will follow the example of the original literary Fu Manchu and wear a false mustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier. o Note: this does not work well with non-Asians.

I will never execute one of my generals for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place. o The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. Possibly even a warning not to let it happen again. I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty. o In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one. o Sometimes a bit of psychological stuff works, let's see the general fail after a bit of Paris Hilton music! Mwa hahahaha! Tsk, tsk. You've evidently forgotten the original list's advisory against evil laughter. Why not just make him listen to It's a Small World, and make all the higher-ups watch through soundproof magic mirrors? Should a messenger catch me and my evil consort in flagrante delicto, I will not remain in bed while listening to the message. I will instead excuse myself, put on a dressing gown, and go into the next room to hear what he has to say. If it's important enough for him to ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I should probably be giving it my full attention. o If it was important enough to warrant ignoring a "do not disturb" sign, I would waste time dressing. I would listen to the message, and then determine whether it is so important I need to slap on my bulletproof vest and my outfit Note to self: Always wear bulletproof vest to bed. Because it's important and considerate to wear protection when being intimate. o If the messenger's eyes wander too much, or if the message isn't important, he's fired, and should thank me for not killing him. Anyone who plans on taking a messenger job should be warned about interrupting my "private time" right off the bat, and they damn well better not forget. o Unless, you know, I find the messenger in question attractive, in which case (my current lover permitting) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. See the entry on Minionshipping, below. Did I emphasize the CAUTION bit enough? o I will also consider the benefits of a speaker system, with a call and response system that prevents impersonation. Messengers can be the hero in disguise and I really don't need to be surprised when I'm that vulnerable. o Speakers kill the mood, I will have all data transferred to me by E-mail, which I will check after I'm finished. o Ahem... Some of you seem to be forgetting one of the original list's rules: basically, it boiled down to "Do not ignore the messenger. Do not kill the messenger" If the hero's father is no longer alive, I will use every bit of misinformation possible to make him believe that I am his real father. I will then drop hints that suggest that I am not beyond redemption. During an appropriate moment, I will pretend to return to goodness,

and, while we embrace in a reconciliatory father-son moment, I will stab him in the back. Sucker. o This works especially well if I killed his father myself. The irony makes me happy. Why not just kill the kid, too? Because even if order my minions to execute children, at least one of the little bastards inevitably slips away. Best to have a backup plan. o In a similar vein, if I am an actual member of the hero's family, I will also suggest that I am not beyond redemption. However, I will ensure that our relationship is common knowledge. This ensures that not only is the hero surely aware of it, but it also ruins his street cred. After all, who wants to be known as the nephew of the guy who killed 10,000 people because he was bored? When the moment to fake a return to goodness arises, I will insist on hugging my beloved nephew/cousin/son/whatever. At that point I will stab him in the back. Sucker. o A better idea is to not be involved with family issues at all. Or just kill his whole family. And him. Sucker. If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money, rather like Scientology. Unlike Scientology, there will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes you sound silly. o If I am a god or if I need believers in order to become one, I will make the cult as benign and agreeable as possible. o But either way, I will sacrifice Tom Cruise. If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to fight all of them in a sequence. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously. o For that matter, if I can create multiple copies of boss monsters, I will have them all fight the hero at once in the first place, and not wait for him to reach my stronghold, with all of those upgraded weapons and learned skills. o You know what, as soon as I hear of a hero, I, in my most powerful form, along with all of the copies of all my boss monsters, will attack right then. Preferably at night when the hero is asleep. Unless he's The Ace. That would either lead to a new hero rising in vengeance, or him beating them all in an initial show of Acedom. Besides, if I do that, he will be a distraction. o Screw the boss monsters. They're too much maintenance, and I'm a busy overlord. Not to mention the whole Conservation of Ninjutsu... When I create a devastatingly powerful robotic or genetically engineered minion with only one elemental weakness, I will make absolutely certain that none of my other minions are carrying an easily stolen weapon designed to strike that weakness. o Its elemental weakness will be Actinium-227. That should ward off the average do-gooder. Screw Actinium. Something even rarer like Ununoctium-294 of which only three atoms have been confirmed to have existed. o Alternatively, it just won't have an elemental weakness. Seriously, how hard is it to fix such a glaring design flaw?

Or, just for fun, its elemental weakness will be something highly radioactive. After all, villains have better chances in a realistic series, and nothing says gritty realism quite like cancer. Before that, I should extensively test the realism of the universe to ensure that the result of exposure is actually cancer and not a potential source of superpowers. o Note: All my robotics have gone to the mecha. All the genetics to my clones. o NO CLONES, and mecha have been known to side with hero. See above. If there is a literal Idiot Ball in my world, I will pretend it's my one weakness. Of course being an idiot is a weakness, but the heroes will carry it around this way. o UNLESS there is a happy go lucky twit running around barely paying attention to everything. Those tend to be trouble. If I really want to guarantee my success in all my diabolical endeavours, I will take three steps to guarantee that the Forces Of Good will cheer me on: o I will only select targets who are considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am. This lets me battle a variety of Acceptable Targets and Always Chaotic Evil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks. o I will either uphold somewhat idealistic enough tendencies to be considered the hero of the situation, or be extremely funny and sexy. o I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings. I will at least try not to kill them. o I instead teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord thing here. You know what? Screw all this proper planning and knowledge of what's going to happen. If I'm going to be a villain, I might as well have fun with it. o Screw that. I'll just have fun when I have followed this list, destroyed the heroes, and conquered the world. Then I can torment the population all I want. It's better to have a life of smart villainy than to be dead because I can't plan ahead. o I can plan ahead, I'd just rather ham it up than follow a bunch of laws. Isn't my entire idiom to ignore what other people want? And why am I talking to myself?! On the other hand, being Vetinari-like (with a larger budget for jetpacks and mechs) and alive beats being Blofeld and dead. I'm talking to myself because two heads are better than one and many personalities is as close as we'll get. o I will plan ahead for the sake of not suffering a Karmic Death. I talk to myself because there is no one else intelligent enough to talk to. Because I killed those who were? Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! Make Me. o Alternatively, I will be Genre Blind and Genre Savvy at the same time to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my fortress to turn to rubble only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.
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Or, I could use all the resources that would have gone to the crumbling fortress and spend them on something useful, like an orphanage or something. There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine. o It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible. Should I feel the need to bow to my opponent in return, I will bow at the waist to a minimal degree, ensuring that my eyes remain trained upon my opponent. The slightest movement while I am doing so will result in an automatic, preemptive attack on my part. I will not underestimate my enemies if they turn out to be little girls, even if they act sickeningly cute or just want to be friends. Hell, especially if they act sickeningly cute and just want to be friends. Such foes will be treated with the utmost care, from the utmost distance, and with the utmost destructive force, such as with a Kill Sat while they sleep. You may think that this is overdoing it, but there are few things more damaging to an overlord's public image of fear and terror than getting beaten to a bloody pulp by prepubescent schoolgirls. o If they really just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are the big meanie who tried to Kill Sat them from orbit. Really, Kill Sat from orbit against a little girl? What the hell was I thinking? There's also the other problem. Dead Japanese schoolgirls tend to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who will mess you up. o This all depends on the setting, obviously. If I find that I have eyes the size of grapefruits and enormous hair, then the above-listed warnings will be noted. If not, it's time to kill some kids. I thought we already agreed not to cross the Moral Event Horizon On the other hand, nothing says evil like dead little kids. I mean, that's a Karmic Death right there. I will keep in mind that if they are in a town the Kill Sat can bypass Infant Immortality so if they are a threat I will do this with increased range and power, Karmic Death "what dead kids" not to mention nothing says "FEAR ME" like blatantly and totally overdoing, and destroying a nation to get rid of a few kids is definitely overdoing it. o All children will be brought into my raising at my special orphanages. If you can't kill them, convert them. o Screw all that. I will implant symbiotes in all little girls so that they eternally see me as their BESTEST FRIEND!!! ^_^ I will not mess with evolution. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps. Machiavelli was a dumbass. It is better to be loved than feared. o Is it too much to ask for both? Wasn't it God's plan all along?

I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very contextsensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT Quote Mine them for convenience. Sir Terry Pratchett is a wise man. I will study everything I can about Lord Vetinari. It may be better to be loved, or feared, but it is better to be permanent than either. If I want to kill some character which the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/both's/neither's death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0. o As we went over at the clone entry, said evil clone will be under my direct control, it will not be designed to include the original's characteristics. o Alternatively I will just kill everyone who may be motivated to challenge me by the killing of said person and so on, while this may lead to an extinction of the human race, I can look on the bright side now I can remake the world in my image. Somehow killing the hero and his friends all together never seemed like the option? If it should come to pass that the hero is staring me down and he happens to know my evil plan for any reason, and he ever utters the immortal words "you'll never get away with this", I will not use the popular comeback "I already have" unless I am fairly certain that I actually have. o Incidentally, since there is still a living person in the world who knows of my plan, opposes me, and happens to be within weapon range of myself, odds are I haven't actually gotten away with it yet. Thus, my reply should be, "My, you're right. See you next time." Then I will make a daring escape from justice and return to the Evil Overlord List to determine where I went wrong. o Or better yet, I'll just say "never say never" and then kill him. On second thought, I'll kill him and then say "never say never." On further reconsideration, I'll kill him, have his spirit severed from his body and sent to the next world (to prevent ghost-ification), disintegrate his body into subatomic dust and then launch that on rockets flying in different directions. I will then kill his friends and repeat the procedure, until I am totally sure he has no allies or sympathizers. Then, with the last person killed, I would get a sufficiently crazy and/or effective priest to send their spirit with the message "never say never." It might not work if the universe I am in doesn't have ghosts and/or ghosts don't communicate, but damned if I'm not going to get my one chance for a totally safe oneliner in. My throne room will not feature a large hole into which I could fall, be thrown, or be pushed. However, other rooms in my lair will feature walkways above menacing vats of what appears to be bright green acid, into which I will jump or "accidentally" fall if I need to escape. These will actually contain water with green food coloring. Won't the
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heroes be surprised when I show up later, in perfect health (but with green skin)? After all, No One Could Survive That. Suckers. o Just to be safe, said tanks will always have a fully ready scuba tank and breath mask located a few feet beneath the surface. o Better yet, instead of water? Powerade. It comes in bright colors, so I won't have to dye it myself, and chances are after the chase and/or tussle that ended with me falling into a vat in the first place, I could use a nice, cool, refreshing drink that replenishes my energy. Better yet, the vats should be made with my own formula of energy drink which I have shilled to the public at a fantastic profit! o Note: The vats will be tested on an hourly basis to confirm that some clever bastard has not gotten the bright idea to actually replace my beverage-escape-plan with actual acid. It would be rather obvious, as real-life acids tent to be transparent, not green, and all strong enough to harm a person are also strong enough to destroy most dyes. o Additionally, if I should be dumb enough to use cloning (see * 8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools! o Better yet, how about I just throw the hero "into" the acid? Nah, the whole point of this item is that if the hero can fall into the acid, so can I. And if it's something harmless, it won't harm the hero anyway so why bother? Unless it's made up of his one weakness which I am immune to... No, the point I'm making is that we're on a ledge which one can fall off. That means they can easily thrown off, so why not throw him into some tasty acid? Because if they can be easily thrown off, so can I. Wasn't this all covered in the original list? "All vats will be covered when not actively in use." We're playing at their expectations to lure them into a false sense of security. Anyone who uses the phrase "false sense of security" will be shot. If he's smart, the hero won't buy it anyway. If he's not, there are much more effective ways to kill him. When I've read the Evil Overlord List I will familiarize myself with any other similar lists. That way I'll know what I'm in for when I actually go up against competent opponents. If I discover any good advice in these lists then I will be sure to steal it so that I can make use of it myself. o I will remember that very competent opponents will likely be doing the same thing in reverse. o I will, however, note that not everyone goes into fiction that well and just hope they are Genre Blind idiots. If the magical ritual I am performing requires a Virgin Sacrifice, using the hero's girlfriend is just asking for trouble. To be on the safe side, I'll find a small child.

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Said child will also be an orphan, whom no one cares about. And they will be kidnapped only when absolutely everything else is ready, to ensure a quick success. If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age. And I will also keep in mind that it will fail anyway. If I am concerned over my approval ratings, want to avoid doing something that'll ensure my Karmic Death or am simply not evil enough, then I'll ask for a volunteer and/or find a loophole that will allow a resurrection. I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar. Since I plan to have orphans, I'll just one of my own. With that said: I shall maintain numerous orphanages under my control. While I will make certain that the businesses themselves cannot be associated with me, I will publicly donate heaping gobs of money to them on a regular basis. This has the added benefit of letting me launder funds and get a tax break in the process. On the rare occasion I need a child I will publicly adopt them, only to have them die in a "tragic accident" shortly before the sacrifice. Another additional benefit: no one wants to kick a parent mourning the recent loss of their child and any hero who does so will look very bad. If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not all of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least some of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later. *** Better still, I will bear the child myself, utilizing a Gender Bender ray, having previously prepared to inseminate myself. Although this might be considered a violation of the Cloning Ban, it does provide a tidy shortcut avoiding leaving behind a telltale long lost mother or a vengeful father to inspire The Hero's interference. Mind you, I should employ an impeccable Obstetrician to prevent Death by Childbirth. Perhaps I should arrange someone to have someone ravish me (using protection, of course) to avoid the likelihood of death during the Express Delivery. Long story short, make the baby, sacrifice the baby, done and done. Alternatively, forget the orphans. Any deity or demon wanting those would be more evil than me, and therefore be untrustworthy and/or stiff competition. Also alternatively, if the requirements do not specifically say Human Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony. Screw it. I'll just sacrifice the Alpha Bitch. Nobody will miss her.

"Alpha Bitch" and "virgin" should never go in the same sentence. No, I'll sacrifice a Self-Made Evil Orphan. Guaranteed nobody will miss the brat, and it eliminates a potential competitor. o When I require a virgin sacrifice, I will also set myself up to become a demilich at the same time, and will sacrifice myself (provided I am a virgin) AND become unkillable at the same time. If I am not a virgin, I will perform the lich ritual first, then sacrifice my new body and rez. My phylacetry will also be a nine-hundred pound boulder kept secure in my base, disguised as a random bit of rubble off to the side and out of the way of everything important. It will also be placed on a small rail setup so that it can be moved out of the way- too many heroes will blow it up to find a hidden secret below. Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty. o If I ever come to power in a nation that uses slavery, I will first abolish it. Next I will secretly stir up resentment against the former slave population to reduce their employment opportunities. Finally, I will offer the former slaves positions in my military, all the while getting good publicity among other nations who love how I dealt with the horrible slavery problem. This ensures loyalty in the military and a positive place in history even if the heroes take me down. Hang on... o My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in. Never use a prototype unless the real version is ready for mass production. It will only get stolen by the Hero. o I will also make sure not to cut corners in the mass produced models to reduce costs o Only mass produce objects for the public, and then keep all the stuff that's designed for one person only to be kept out of their hands. I.e. The aforementioned mecha. All cells with windows will not be furnished with bedsheets. Instead, captives will be given sleeping bags. Good luck tying those together. o Alternatively no cells will be furnished with windows. There are other ways to use a window. o Better yet, I'll cut out the middle man and execute him on the spot. o If I do need them alive, they will be imprisoned in a room in the center of my guards' quarters. Said room will have walls of sturdy metal grille rather than vision-blocking cement, stone or cinder block, so that nothing the prisoner does will be unseen. The best modern surveillance equipment will also surround said cell. The prisoner will be kept sedated, and bound. o I will look into a island or space prison. No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. Killing the planet never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply have Mother Earth all

up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV", and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero. o In fact I will cultivate rumors that specific actions designed to antagonize said spirits will weaken me, or otherwise interfere with my plans. This will prevent the spirits from giving The Hero power, and may turn them towards me to stop him. If I discover a species of Proud Warrior Race Guys threatened by extinction, I will not wipe out what's left of them in order to gain access to their technology and weapons. This would just prompt a lone survivor to swear vengeance against me. Instead, I will help them unconditionally in the hopes that they will swear undying loyalty to me. If they repay this calculated kindness by proclaiming me a weakling and declaring war on me, then I will show them that I am stronger and more ruthless than they are. If they still refuse to follow me then I'll subjugate them with force or wipe them out. At this point it's okay to do so, because they've proven to be Always Chaotic Evil, and no one ever really cares about those. o I'll offer them the ability to clone their race to rebuild their kind. That'll bring loyalty. If I am immune to the hero's attacks, I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be redirected to hit me. o This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing. As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent Evil Overlord is indistinguishable from an extremely competent Benevolent Ruler. This also applies in reverse. I will never, I repeat NEVER, use an online list of "Evil Overlord Rules", "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky Badass Normal will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or sealed away. o Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it? o Forget that. A Genre Savviness arms race could be dangerous, but being Genre Blind when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect. Or doing exactly what they'd expect. I will also randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary. And I will keep in mind that use of said publicly available list of advice leaves all manner of possibility for the use of Xanatos Gambits relating to whichever trope I'm actually using. However, I will also be aware of the possibility of a Gambit Pileup resulting from this. o Even if my enemies know everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of one simple reason. The decision stands. I will post this argument in the towns and watch the hero go mad.

Actually, I'll silently buy all the Hero Vows websites and edit some small but criticial mistakes in there. When I read Evil Overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Circumstance Savviness is even more important than Genre Savviness. Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away). If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important. o I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited. o But remember, Everything's Better with Monkeys! I will assume that all of my enemies are not left handed, and plan accordingly. o I will not rule out the possibility that some of them are left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just asking for trouble. o I will train myself to use my left hand as far as practicable, in case I am unable to use my right hand for some reason. However, I will not pretend to be left-handed in any potentially dangerous situation. o However, a sniper rifle creates a great sense of range, and hands are nothing when a bullet is in the hero's head. I will find out where Dr. Doom orders his Doombots and stock up. You never know when you'll need a robot stand-in to take a missile or ten. o I will modify said Doombots so they are loyal to me, rather than their previous owner. Unless it voids the warranty or something. o If I cannot modify them thusly, I will return them for a refund. o If I own the store that sells them, I will only allow returns for store credit. Wow. I really AM evil. o In fact, I'll find out about this flaw before purchasing and thus avoid having funds tied up in a useless venture. I will instead use the money to have fanatically loyal followers surgically altered to resemble me. o I will avoid purchasing technology from Doctor Doom, as he always puts an override that he alone can access into everything he makes or holds for more than five minutes. I will avoid taking his advice on what to purchase, either, simply because his devices are inevitably destroyed or captured by the heroes. Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks. If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will not attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't take over my body, kill me, or drive me any more insane, I will do so.

Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion. o But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism. o If something is stronger than me, I will just ignore and it will go away. o If I feel that I must pursue this evil being with power greater than my own, I will do everything necessary (within reason) to allow me to obtain it, and THEN I WILL STOP pursuing the (more) evil power. By that point, I should have far more power than necessary to deal with whatever little, puny obstacles are opposing me. The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have three guardsone standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards. o Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator. And I will have one new recruit guarding a shoddy, rusting door. That door will be the hallway leading to my office/throne room. The hallway will be guarded by my best troops and monsters, who know how to operate as a group, and will mob any hero that comes in. I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a prophecy regarding my downfall. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly. o However, I will first make sure that fake prophecies are not subject to Your Mind Makes It Real, Clap Your Hands If You Believe, Theory of Narrative Causality, or any other effect that would give them the force of real prophecies. o If I'm faking prophecies, I'll make one about an artifact that is my only weakness and can only be taken by the worthy. The artifact will actually be created by me, and its only power will be to kill anyone who touches it. The hero will automatically assume they are worthy and get vaporized. I will also make the artifact not work on me, or at least make it immovable, to avoid a Karmic Death from any hero who catches on. In a similar vein, if my political power depends at least partially on my own mystical power, I shall create an artifact, and a fake prophecy that it grants powers that match my own. This artifact shall be the symbol of my political power. My lieutenants and personal guards shall know that there are several duplicates, which have no power except to inform me of their whereabouts in case they are stolen. I alone shall know that there is no real
o

artifact. That way, anyone seeking to overthrow me will try to steal this artifact. I will then inform my lieutenants that one of the duplicates has been stolen, and I will eliminate the culprit with my own power. I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him. o If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape. o If I, on a whim, decide to execute my plan anyway, and it really is flawless, then I'll resurrect him, apologize, and erase everyone's memory of the whole incident. o I will always include one very obvious flaw in plans I make myself. Should the advisor not catch it, even if he is useful in finding out not-so-obvious flaws in my grand plan, he is to be executed on the spot, as one has to look at the big picture, not just small details that might slip through the cracks. The flaw should be easy to catch and occasionally very hard to catch every few times a specific advisor is used, so that I can accurately gauge their effectiveness in finding them. o Wasn't this already covered in the original list? Very good, advisor. You get to live. o Instead of hiring a single advisor, I will hire a team of advisors, each with a different area of expertise, with minor abilities in an area covered by another advisor. Should a flaw I notice never be brought up, I will fire the advisor with that area of expertise, and hire a new one. As stated above, executions do nothing to improve morale and job applications. And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...? Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be Dangerously Genre Savvy, so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them. I will make my Doomsday Device look like a stuffed animal. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause The End of the World as We Know It. Before teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy, I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are morally repugnant, or his means are idiotic, then I'll just sic the good guys on him. o Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and claim the credit. o ...Or I'll just let him take the credit anyway, so when people come to avenge the heroes, they'll thank me rather than killing me.

If I must team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat, I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will fake a change of heart and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within. I will keep a pet dog, not a cat. Dogs are better for PR, more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack. o I may also invest in becoming a falconer; birds are much harder to hit, can be used for scouting missions, and are decent in causing my enemies grief in battle. o In no way, though, will I have an exotic animal (of any kind) or Biological Mash Up as a pet; although incredibly deadly and appropriately awe-inspiring, they are still wild animals, and thus, unable to be fully trained and trusted not to eat me at the first chance they get. o With any pet I choose to get, I will not abuse it or cosset it too extravagantly, and I will take it through a thorough obedience course. o Maybe I should look into getting a cat after all. Possibly several. Not only will they kill the vermin and present me with the tiny corpses, but kitty cat cuteness wil help relieve stress among Mooks. Not only will they relieve stress among the mooks, but among intruders. Having free roam around the base, they can easily distract them, and they might pause when they see the mook they were about to snipe bend down and pet the cat - of course, becoming consumed by playing with the cats will only be tolerated when off duty. o Wait, that damn Friend to All Living Things will still have an out. Okay, along with the cats, I'll get a pit bull. Solves the cat problem, and a pit bull is nobody's friend. I will keep him chained, but well-fed. I know he won't be my friend, but I don't want him killing me first. o Alternatively, my cats will be Affably Evil, and rub up against my captive's legs purring but not be the least bit helpful. In other words, my cats will act like cats, and certainly they'd be less of a threat should the Friend to All Living Things turn them against me than a pit bull. o As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average Friend to All Living Things won't touch 'em. However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose. o An Orangutan could be a worthwhile investment- I can train it to use sign language and how to perform simple tasks, making it useful for surveillance, any mooks that feed it a banana will appear more sympathetic and therefore are less likely to be killed by the hero, it has a lot more strength, reach and dexterity than any human heroes, so it can be trained to attack them, and if they do kill it, I can accuse them of murdering an endangered species. A chimpanzee would also function for most of these purposes, although slightly less well. o With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway. I will do the whole "This Cannot Be!!" after the heroes have defeated my penultimate boss form. That way, when I sprout a wing or grow really long hair, they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.

Adding a "Psyche!" before I crush the throat of the nearest good guy is optional. Or...maybe it would be best to just cut my losses and quietly sneak away while they think they've killed me. Beating my first and second forms shows they are pretty good at fighting, and while getting First Strike or even causing a Heroic Sacrifice is nice, I'll heal up and then slam them at the beginning of the sequel after they've given up all their levels and powerups. o Alternately, if the hero manages to get into my castle, I will sneak out the back way, and have a robotic double confront the hero. While they're fighting, I'll seal the room and pump it full of poison gas. o Even better, I'll say that words at the defeat of any and all of my forms. That way, I can whittle them down as they relax and leave themselves open. I'm not going to say that at EVERY form, but only at a couple. Saying it with all my forms will just cause them to expect a new form and never let their guards down. o Unless said hero has the ability to sense that they didn't finish me off, then, I'll just flee before I waste myself on them, and either drop a cage and release poison gas, or drop a cage and bring in minions in all directions to fire at will (PROVIDED THEY AIM FOR THE FEET! This way, there are no accidental deaths on account of stupidity. Also this will drop the hero so they can aim for the face.) o If a minion is stupid enough to aim straight ahead of him, he will be killed on the spot to avoid a mass murder-suicide chain. Then, they will be ordered to leave, and thousands of large bladed weapons will be dropped with enough speed and/or mass to pierce into the cage and kill the hero. o I will arrange my minions in a sensible chevron position to avoid having any of them in each others' line of fire. Thus avoiding Hollywood Tactics alltogether. And they will be trained marksmen. o On second thought, if I decide to kill my opponents by gassing them I will not use poison. Poison is always detectable. I will simply flood the room with nitrogen. The heroes will simply become tired, fall asleep and die. Yes, this means they won't writhe in agony, but on the plus side they also won't notice that they're dying and therefore fight harder or take steps to prevent it. If the heroes have the ability to "save" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them. o Alternatively, I'll use these points to save my progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a long time but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers. o I will also identify the design of these "save" points, and have my crack team of engineers rig up a version that explodes or attacks the heroes. Sure, The Guy did it second, but it's a sound strategy, and the heroes will never be expecting it. I will drive a car of the same make as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those. o On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask why said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.
o o

I will remember that Ominous Latin Chanting is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era. o I will under absolutely no circumstances ever dance to Ominous Latin Chanting. Ominous Latin Chanting is exclusively for killing things to. Killing things and paperwork. Ominous Latin Dancing? o If I feel the need to dance, there's nothing better than Jimmy Rushing. o If the resident Mad Artist also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create something original designed especially for me. o If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately. o If it's Disco, then I'll figure out something worse than shooting. I will figure it out quickly, mind you. And if it's country, I will waste no time torturing him by making him listen to his own song for however long I decide. Instead of killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do, I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit? If my Second-in-Command asks me: "Why don't you just kill everything?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new Second-in-Command. o Unless I think that sounds like a good idea. o In the event that it does sound like a good idea, I'll make sure that my Second-inCommand is the first one I kill. Not only will I not build man-sized ventilation shafts, I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path. o There will be an alternate route for the heroes, made of ledges over open vats of acid. These will be monitored via both cameras and motion/pressure sensors at all times, and designed to collapse if anybody gets to the middle. This path will not lead to my lair, and will in fact not even be located near my real lair. o Relatedly, if entry to my Evil Lair can only be done by defeating my nine lieutenants and getting their shiny objects, who each have a dungeon of their own, then I will make sure that the one item required to defeat said lieutenants is not in their own dungeons. Also, the key to the indestructible door leading to my Inner Sanctum will be kept on my person at all times. o In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it. o Better yet, to insure against Sequence Breaking - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump. o Best yet, I will take possession of the Grappling Hook and Double Jump, thus powering up myself rather than the hero. If I cannot do so, I will destroy them.

Heroes are resourceful buggers and will find a way to get every powerup possible the only solution is to not leave them any to get. Why use such an entry method at all? If getting into a lair requires such methods, I will find another lair. o Back to the vents. If I really do need wide ventilation shafts for some reason, they will be kept superheated, and full of spikes, various Death Traps, and lava guns. Also, all exit points from the vent will be located just above the pit full of dinosaurs. On second thought superheating the ventilation ducts might interfere with the airconditioning. Oh and the ventilation. o All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs refuse to eat the hero because he once removed a thorn from their foot. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones are actually herbivores. Though many herbivores can be violently agressive. o I will also build all the vents out of an extremely conductive metal, and constantly run extremely high voltage through them. They will be insulated from the outside, and if maintenance is required, those doing the work must first submit a request to the control center to temporarily disable the current while the work is being done. Anyone who doesn't do so is Too Dumb to Live. Actually, I will not electrify my ventilation system, due to the fact that this would just create massive amounts of ozone, which, while a potential hero-killer, would have a far greater problem than smaller ducts. o In fact, I will spend effort constructing an elaborate evil lair full of death traps, then conduct all my evil business in my mom's basement 27 miles away. A kindly old lady will be a better hero deterrent than anything else. I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls. I will read the Fake Difficulty and Unwinnable sections carefully and implement everything. o Except for the Escort Mission. After all, Even Evil Has Standards. But if I do add it, I'll make sure the hero isn't escorting anyone who'll actually be of any use to him later on. o Or he'll escort a shapeshifting minion. Or the the hostage has a tracker implanted into their body. Or better yet: a bomb. o No, that's been tried and it never works. I'll just make him escort a very beautiful woman who has no interest in being an adventurer. Either she'll cause friction with the Love Interest and blunt The Power of Love a bit, or she'll become the Love Interest and start nagging the Hero to get a safer job. Either way, I win. Better still, once the two arrive at my Inner Sanctum, said Sanctum will be decorated as a very tasteful, but lavish wedding chapel. By immediately skipping over the Final Battle and moving directly to the Cleaning Up

Romantic Loose Ends segment of the story, The Hero will immediately be disarmed by the fulfillment of his Love Interest's affections! I, of course, will preside over the ceremony. Note that the above only works if The Hero is male. If otherwise, swap "wedding chapel" with "Banquet With Her Parents". Ensure that The Hero's Overprotective Dad and Evil Matriarch are present. Bonus points if you can get the Love Interest to notice The Hero's Hot Shounen Mom. GENIUS! BWAHAHAHA!!! o Even better, if the Hero has a Hot Shounen Mom, and his father is dead, I will hook up with his mother. If he's really a hero he'll obey his stepfather. That doesn't even take an Anti-Hero to make that false. Unless I'm living in a comedy, that plan will not work. On that thought, I will study my universe to see if obnoxious laughter happens if something barely funny happens. If it does, I'm probably living in a sitcom, and could get away with that plan. Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will not build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot. o If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all. o I will also make a backup copy if possible. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a digital clone trying to kill me or anything. Alternatively, if I am certain that the copies will behave exactly as I would, I will make many of them, knowing that I am the only person they can be trusted not to betray. Also, Yaoi Fangirls (or Yuri Fanboys, as appropriate) will ensure that at least two of me have Contractual Immortality. Wait scrap that, if I am certain they'll behave exactly as myself I will only ever have one or two clones of myself at max. I will still have the Contractual Immortality from the Yaoi Fangirls (or Yuri Fanboys, as appropriate), I know myself well enough to know that with even only one or two clones I'll betray myself at an unexpected moment. No, no, no! No clones! Full stop. Back To The Drawing Board. If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will not randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire. o This will be easier to do if said exports involve mostly Wal-Marts and Starbucks.

I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are begging me to conquer them. I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal. o Obviously, this does not apply if my armies and I aren't alive anymore. Then I can cover the entire planet in a cloud of smoke and ashes, killing all life on the surface, without being affected myself. And if I need more living for Virgin Sacrifices, food or just to bolster the ranks of my army of the dead, then there are always other sources of life. o In that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead. o That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed. o Similarly, I will not build any machine that is fueled by an incredibly rare or oneof-a-kind material or artifact; it took me years to get what I have, now, and I won't squander it away on some easily-stopped Doomsday Device. o Unless I already have it on-hand and don't have anything better to do with it. o And even then, I'll first make sure that I can't modify it to accept an alternate power source, or for a use that wouldn't be of as much interest to the heroes. o Hell, if I do end up coming across any Unobtainium, instead of immediately building a machine that uses it as a power source, I'll first thoroughly study it to see if I can't synthesize it. If it turns out I cannot, I'll destroy the Unobtainium immediately to keep it from being used against me. o Or I'll use it to create a bomb. Because if I'm going to destroy it anyway, why not get some use out of it as well? o Said bomb will be rigged with as many ways as possible to ensure that it detonates. We're talking about a missile that has twelve remotes and eight timers in case it fails to detonate on impact. Try defusing and reverse-engineering that, wise guy. If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated within my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch
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in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice. In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress. I will hire a team of crack forensic scientists and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme. o If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds. o And I'm gonna make damn sure I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well. As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will not be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't want hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac Satan-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring Fluffy the Terrible has his daily meal of fresh peasants. o However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later. o Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power Complete Monster was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, it's almost tradition. o Alternatively, if I really do have standards then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of anything to do with a whole bunch of people that no one will actually miss, then I need to learn how to do my job better. If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself into a god. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing, then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to

counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to use it to take me out, first. o These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though. o No. Not even then. When With Great Power Comes Great Insanity, all bets are off. o Yes, then. I will just put a bomb in the mook's head beforehand. If he shows any ill effects, I will detonate the bomb while the ascension is still in its early, vulnerable stages. Should that fail, I will just go running to the Hero and make him clean up my problem. Seen It a Million Times. The power upgrade always allows said MookThat-Was to neutralize the headbomb. Always. I will not be a Slave to PR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses. o I will still include the benefits of being a Villain with Good Publicity into any cost-benefit calculations I make, though. o I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get. o I will, however, keep in mind that the average Anti-Hero doesn't care about PR. Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system. o Alternatively, the robot and anything else I want to look ominous wil be covered in Glowing Eyes of Doom, with Eye Beams optional. Said eyes will be a mix of colors. That oughta be good for a Mind Screw or two. o I will also equip the robot with an internal bomb rigged to go off if any critical system stops functioning. I will keep the prototypes and unused robots in armored containers in a special facility far from the base just in case a bomb malfunctions. If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun. o Naturally, the surveillance systems will be immune to hacking, so it is never me that is sent to the sun. On second thought, I will have it teleport the intruder into the Dungeon. That way, if The Hero DOES hack it, I won't die a painful death, my loyal mooks will get me out of there and reboot the entire surveillance system. If they don't, I'll free myself using the cell key that I carry with me at all time and have them executed. I will never try to steal the power of a god. o I might reconsider if I am in a setting where something like that might actually work.

Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea. o I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving me power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to ascend on my own merits. I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly. o If I lose my body and have to possess somebody, I will go to somebody who doesn't have friends who will notice something odd and help him kick me out. o If I'm picking who to possess, someone who's already evil is a good choice. o But I'll make sure he's not Eviler Than Me. o If I am the victim of a Body Swap, I will make sure to take a calm look around The Hero's base, make notes, and quietly email them to The Dragon. I will then ingest a slow-acting poison, do something stupidly villainous to tip my hand, and wait for the Five-Man Band to figure out a way to get us swapped back. First off, of course, I will totally bang his Love Interest and screw up all that UST and potential for The Power of Love (or even Virgin Power) to save the day. See you on Maury, sucker! If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan, up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my "force field generator". All ceremonies celebrating my ascent to godhood, marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place after I've actually done so. Preferably by several months. If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can Game Shark and Godmode their way past annoying obstacles? o If cheating is impossible, I will quit, turn good, and throw the entire might of my vast empire behind the heroes. Once I join their ranks, I should be able to find out what makes them unbeatable and either take its power or at least neutralize it. Then it's time to go evil again. o If that is impossible, I will remember that (if I've done this at all right until now) I'm immortal and they're not, and I will simply wait 80 years. Nobody's going to expect a sneak attack after I've been a beloved figure of good for two generations, and anyone who could have stopped me will either be dead or infirm. I will wait until they are all dead. The infirm can always try to teach the young. During the hiatus, I'll keep an eye open for prophecies or such. If they predict a major evil (me) come back in a century, I'll strike in 95 years. Or 105. Most teenage heroes; no matter what they claim; (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can manipulate those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full
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advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business. o Even better, once I take control of a country, I'll make all children/teenagers "wards of the state" (read: trapped in school) up to age 21. It may wipe out my budget, but at least I won't have to worry about those meddling kids showing up and ruining my plans. Or I'll just hand them some snacks, a TV, and a laptop and let the Internet do the rest. o I'll make up the ensuing budget deficit by tying all healthcare plans to employment, so that any retired heroes, jobless teenage protagonists, or mysterious hobos won't be able to heal their injuries after a fight. As an added bonus, this will prevent my minions from switching sides. Who's going to join the Hero when they don't have medical coverage for the (several thousand) injuries they're going to suffer? Before making a wish with a genie, witch, etc., I will make sure I have the following on standby: an English dictionary, an Ancient Sumerian dictionary, a truckload of lucky charms (with the truck made of horseshoes), a decoder, a supercomputer, a law firm, a small platoon of soldiers, a Universal Translator, a time machine, a private hospital, at least five fully-functional babelfish, a complete survival kit (first-aid kit, flashlight, spare batteries etc.) on my person, a wizard, a Bunsen burner, a bunker, a nuclear submarine, a resurrection machine, a bunch of solar collectors and a copy of the script. o If I can successfully assemble all these aids and assistants, I will (politely!) tell the entity offering the wish "thanks but no thanks", as the collective power they give me will let me grant myself any wish I might have. o On the off chance I find a good genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. o Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him. o If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a Literal Genie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no Death Traps, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves. o In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended. o My first wish will be "I wish I knew what to wish for", thus neatly solving any and all problems that could arise in the wishing. o If the genie MUST grant me wishes and I am bored or feeling vindictive I may make the wish "I wish for you to not grant this wish" and watch as the genie implodes

Or I could just make a wish such as "I wish that my wishes can only be activated if I intend it as a wish to the genie at the point of wishing". o I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies. I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid. o However, I will make sure I have adequate medical supplies on hand for my own use. o Alternatively, I will leave these things lying around. The keys will unlock doors that lead into traps, the weapons will be sabotaged in the most dangerous way possible, and the medical supplies will be poisoned. My henchmen will be advised of this upon hiring. Those who forget and subsequently die were Too Dumb to Live anyways. In lieu of poison, the medical supplies will be cleverly disguised laxatives. If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team in turn will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable finetuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest". o If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint him as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a General Failure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket. Especially if said minion is family of the Dark Action Girl variety. Nothing bonds a father and a daughter better together than a Take Your Daughter to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord. I'm looking at you, Ozai. Rather than fostering dissension in the ranks to distract a minion who might try to dispose of me, I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my Quirky Miniboss Squad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts The Power of Friendship on my side? o Similarly, I will encourage Minion Shipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us The Power of Love, but it'll also keep me from even being tempted to try seducing the hero's significant other. After all, the Dark Action Girl has more to offer me, and trying to keep up with her is more fun anyhow. o I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal loyalty. o Unless you do it right. Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to kill someone in order to cover something up, then overkill is the
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way to go. So, Mister Great Detective, how do you plan to recover the briefcase from the embassy when it, your informant, the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash? o I will also recall how the Mafia does this, and put someone else in charge of the coverup, and then kill him when the first phase of killings is completed. If I have enough expendable minions, I will put at least five cutout layers of killings to cover up the killings to cover up between myself and what I wanted covered up to start with. o Alternatively, I will instruct the expendable killers with the phrase "It would be nice if ______ was dead" then let them go out and do it. However, they will be killed before they even get back, giving me plausible deniability: "I didn't give an order for ________ to be killed. I do not know of the circumstances of their deaths." If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I will place before him obstacles which are inherently obstacle-like. If I have the power to turn soup cans into an effective barrier to the hero's progress, frankly, I'm wasting my talents. And besides, do I really want to be the kind of villain who thwarts the hero's progress with a Solve the Soup Cans puzzle? o Alternatively, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't tell they're thwarting his progress. If I am the ruler of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid certain mistakes common in fiction. o Obviously, this loyalty and competence will extend to all branches of government, business, science, organized crime and media. I will remember that new media is not (inherently) evil. o If I need to, I can make new media evil. o That'll happen on its own. o Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's good for PR. o Unless I'm deliberately going to a 0% Approval Rating, I should get a blog anyway. You cannot understate its value. o Note to self: vilify (or at least discredit) those without blogs for being "behind the times." I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be convinced that they were killed for what they knew and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do. o I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy lives. o In that case, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box. o I won't overdo it on this, otherwise people will know I'm just screwing with them.

Alternatively, I'll overdo this constantly, to the point that nobody so much as blinks when the resident crazy guy is suddenly dropped by a sniper bullet. This will make it much easier to kill the people who have actually stumbled onto something important. Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require. I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies. o This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways. I will, however, use cats if I do not like said animal, because no one cares about the cat. Caution, Death likes cats, DO NOT ANGER DEATH. o Also 4chan likes cats. Even 4chan Has Standards. My henchmen will work in groups of three or five, never four. o Likewise, I will mandate that all groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason. o In fact, I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) The Hero will instantly assume I have some kind of Weaksauce Weakness to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At worst, this will set him apart as a potential enemy. At best, well, Four Is Death, and dead heroes can't do a lot to stop me. One the flipside, this may just cause everyone to think that I'm insane and not take me seriously. I will fulfill my end of all contracts, in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a Heel Face Turn. And I will not quibble about Exact Words either, unless they're playing the wise guy. o I will never promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-making point of the deal.) o I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond. If I am in a heavily idealistic series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to The Power of Friendship). Then I'll turn it into a realistic series by immediately killing everyone. When adding to an Evil Overlord List, I will make simple flaws in my suggestions. Those Genre Savvy enough to spot the mistake and edit it will either be chosen for addition to
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my forces or killed immediately. See rule 4.4 near the top of this list for an example of this. o There is no rule 4.4 When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive prophetic name and having them end up helping to defeat me. o Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea. o Also, if my significant other insists on Theme Naming, I'll make sure they're all included. If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will not decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them. o I will also begin seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place. I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for doing highly generous, festive and visible acts in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations. o Likewise, I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays. o Halloween, though, is mine. After all, I have all the monsters. Though I should probably keep away from it if the heroes include a Nightmare Fetishist. o Arbor Day is probably also safe to go after, for pure confusion purposes. Only if you're already dead. o I will, however, take over the International Talk Like A Pirate Day. If it works, great. If it doesn't, it will still be hilarious. o I'd take over Earth Day and make its new message "people from Earth have the perfect right to rape other planets' environments." If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election it such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. Although I will win in the end, I don't want anyone to know I rigged the election. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me. o I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with. Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully functional If I absolutely, positively, undeniably MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that it has the following features.

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Step 1: Blast doors enclose the room the self-destruct button is in. Step 2: Frickin' Laser Beams with motion-tracking devices shoot out of every surface a laser can feasibly be mounted on. Step 3: Guns will follow the same procedure after a thirty-second wait to allow any survivors to leave cover. Step 4: The room will flood with Novichok nerve gas. Step 5: The ship will flood with Novichok nerve gas. Step 6: The ship will flood with napalm. Step 7: The napalm will ignite. Step 8: A two-hundred-megaton thermonuclear bomb will detonate in the ship's engine room. There will be no countdown between the button being pressed and the device activating. There are only two detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes (which I would have to disobey the original list to allow in any case) I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work after I'm already dead, so no assassination attempts.

Part 5 My mad scientists will be instructed to keep detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives. o Due to all of the backups making it possibly easier for the plans to be stolen, I will take all necessary precautions to keep them secret; for starters, they won't be left unlocked on a table when no one is around. I WILL leave a backup on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans." o All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately. All backups will also be rigged with remotely-detonated bombs which will be immediately triggered if they go missing. This bomb will be powerful enough to destroy the backup but not powerful enough to inflict significant damage on the nearby area. Remotely blowing up the heroes might be fun but it's not worth the risk of accidentally blowing up a portion of the fortress because a backup was accidentally misplaced (or hidden in the reactor room by a meddling hero). o If at all feasible, I will have Doomsday Device Version 0.9 started up five minutes after Doomsday Device Version 1.0. Due to the fact that they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the heroes somehow manage to stop me at the last second. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.

My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will not be 'net compatible. o My mad scientists will also be tasked with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible. My robots will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any philosophical thought. o The Three Laws of Evil Robotics: 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm. 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Despite it making them less of an Affectionate Parody I will split the first law into two separate laws, I don't want my robots letting me come to harm in order to ensure the success of my plan. Sometimes you do. Then again, if I am forced to choose between losing, say, a finger and letting my plan go to pieces, I will gladly give up the finger, and will program my robots with exceptions to Law 1A accordingly. I will place rule 2 above rule 1 to avoid a miracle of science type fail. o In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish that you may not injure me, the Evil Overlord, or through any inaction allow me or my plans to come to harm." The genie will then be forced to use its significant magical powers to ensure the success of all my evil plans, in accordance with Law 1A. However, if the genie is literally not capable of influencing the world beyond said wishes, that may be a waste of a wish - if you go ahead and use the remaining wishes, said genie will no longer be able to do anything. If you don't use your remaining wishes, then it's slightly better, as the genie could possibly manage to use those to do something to grant your first wish, but it's still iffy since you aren't actually wishing for anything yourself at the time. It all depends on how the limits work, and so you should keep in mind that it is not an infallible defense against plan failure. Before making the wish, I will ascertain that the being granting said wish will, indeed, grant the wish as presented. If necessary, I will study law sufficiently to plug any and all loopholes. I will also ensure that wishes have no expiry date. How bout this. First wish "I wish there is no more rules forbidding wishing for more wishes". This is not technically outside the rules of the

wishes (if we go by the standard ruleset anyway). Then your follow up wish is for infinite wishes. One handly loop hole later, sucess and profit will follow. Of course, while this may make being an evil scheming bastard less fun, you can save these extra wishes for special occasions if you so fancy. No, instead, "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish." If that's not possible, just wish for more Djinn. If even that isn't possible, just wish for more gin. I will always send my Amazon Brigade to defeat male enemies. o But I will make sure they are Happily Married, to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them. All shipments will be blasted with gamma rays immediately upon entering my base. o Unless gamma rays actually activate the hero's powers somehow. If such is the case, I'll simply put a bullet or 10 in it. That way, I'll still kill the hero without making my supplies unusable. Instead of putting bullets inside valuable equipment I'll just hire someone with X-Ray Vision to inspect packages. Vampires will not be placed in positions of power. I can do quite well without all that Wangst, thank you very much. Also, minions who die if they go outside during the day are pretty useless. o I will make an exception if said vampires are different enough that they aren't weak to sunlight, and are powerful enough to be useful. I will, however, make sure that I am aware of the weaknesses that they do have, and keep the appropriate items on my person at all times. In addition, the vampires will be forbidden to feed on or vampire-ify anyone without permission. There will also be a moratorium on the angsting, as high morale among the troops can work wonders. I will also keep in mind the possible benefits of vampire troops, especially if I am able of keeping them under control. I will also consider the possibility that I might be turned into a vampire myself as an emergency measure. I will carefully weigh the benefits according to the type of vampires that exist. If they sparkle or die when they go outside, the possibility is out of the question. If they are capable of regenerating from any damage or can one hit KO massive demons without breaking a sweat and mind control anyone they've bitten I will consider the idea, especially if I'm on the brink of death anyway. In that last case, it may be wise to immediately kill the vampire that bit me. o Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, lest they fall in love with the hero's love interest. o Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, period. This is, after all, my kingdom, and I hate Twilight as much as everyone. After all, Even Evil Has Standards.

Any and all vampires capable of wielding Solar-Powered weaponry will be investigated. Likewise, all vampire hunters in my empire will be required to take routine physicals in order to prevent them from becoming vampires themselves... unless such a thing is exactly what I need. Likewise, all Werewolf hunters will be given the same requirements. Hunting Vampires or Werewolves without a License will be a crime punished with very hefty fines. o If one or more of my enemies are vampires or similar creatures, I will consider novel methods of disposal. Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators. My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug. o If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with Super Strength, Voluntary Shapeshifting, or other miscellaneous abilities to get through. o My most powerful enemies (the ones immune to bullets, too much Plot Armor to be worth shooting, or the tendency to come back from the dead at the most inopportune times) will have jail cells designed specifically to keep them imprisoned. Badass Normal? A glass cage in the cold vacuum of space. Reality Warper? An Alternate Universe where their powers doesn't work. Physical God? Inside a cage designed to suppress their powers inside a sun. o Okay, forget that "My most powerful enemies". Make that "All my enemies" instead. It's not like I don't have the resources for it. o Before deploying these traps, I will make sure the heroes have not obtained any new powers since I saw them last. If they have, I will redesign the cell to account for the new powers, too. o If an energy field cell is unavoidable, I shall make it so that the field also keeps them alive, for example by having the field both keep them in and protect them from the death-laser, vacuum or other such source. Except for in the instances where for the heroes Death Is a Slap on the Wrist. If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if its possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather depressing reveals. o Screw it, I will kill all my enemies with the most efficient method possible. Prisoners are for people who need to overcompensate. My space stations and orbiting weapons will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a Colony Drop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base. o Alternately, they won't carry enough fuel to move out of orbit. If I send multiple bounty hunters after the hero, I will not make them compete with each other. Instead, I will offer to pay them each the full value of the bounty if they bring the target in together.
o

I will also mention that the reward will be doubled/tripled for each if each bounty hunter returns alive, and stays alive for a safe period of time to avoid them turning on each other to steal the others' money or because of personal reasons. I will study chess. I will get good at it. o To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games. I will also require all of my mad scientists and their direct underlings to do the same - if I happen to employ Souichi Tomoe, I will specifically require Twister. I will keep a close eye on all of them, to make sure they don't turn on me with the mad board game skillz I taught them. o I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by using the board to knock your opponent unconscious. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate. I will use lie detectors during interrogation. o But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic lie detectors that actually work. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court. o In addition, if any minions start to show Bauer-esque tendencies, I will demote them and replace them with actual intelligence operatives. Skip the demote part. If I have a Jack Bauer, he's totally going to be the leader of my Quirky Miniboss Squad. Who knows, maybe they'll finally accomplish something. I will not set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I will, however, set all my equipment to short out and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair. o Of course, I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't have to start from scratch with each defeat. Even better, if I happen to escape the base before the heroes got out, all equipments will be short out, and the base will be sealed and all the air sucked out. Let's see the look on heroes' face when they suffer hypoxia and all symptoms associated with exposure to vacuum. Plus, they are likely to die. If not, then they can't use my equipments, and the base will be kept clean because of vacuum. If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one. o ''cough'' statistics ''cough'' o However I will change the circumstances ever so slightly so that it is a Million and One To One Chance and thus unlikely. o Gambler's Fallacy; messing it up again is still a million to one even if they already did it once. I will have a secondary plan in the works regardless of whether or not the original plan was foiled.
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If there is one thing I've learned in this line of work, it's that a Million to One Chance happens nine out of ten times. Therefore, I will do it ten times. o I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is Zero Percent. Before going forward with my Million to One Chance plan, these heroes will be eliminated by a series of challenges that were carefully designed to not have any Third Options. None of these will be slow moving death traps. All will be a Sadistic Choice scenario. If the hero says "take me, let them go" I will cheerfully agree. Then kill the others after the hero is verified as deceased. I will also attempt to take out the heroes with a team of snipers as they approach the chain of challenges. My plan will happen during or before the heroes initiate the first challenge. If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him. I will not think that this is dishonorable. I'm evil, for pete's sake, why on earth would I care about honor? o Naturally, I will screen the place first by whatever means available so that I know what I'm stepping into. If appropriate, I will also cast/have underlings cast on me any and all buff spells that could possibly be of help. o My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleport, so that munchkins cannot turn my own tactics against me. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap. If I really do care that much about honor, I will wait for him to wake up, and when he sees me, I'll kill him then. Scratch that. People tend to wake up when they have a knife in their chest. He can see me then. o Wait... if I am so evil, why am I using the expression "for pete's sake"? What a wussy villain I must be... Invoking the Almighty Overlord Peter, perhaps? o Scratch the warding of my fortress against teleportation - I will make it so that the only way in is teleportation. I will also make sure that all teleportation in is rerouted to the most heavily guarded and inconvenient location for the heroes, while all teleportation out is re-routed to inside of the reactor core or the furnace or incinerator or something. While I'm at it, I'll make sure that this a flying fortress with an escape hatch very close to the most heavily guarded location. And that I at least know how to fly in the event that I need to escape. If I capture two of the hero's closest companions and force him to choose which one to save, I will not actually show him his two companions. Instead, I will disguise two of my henchmen as the hero's choices, so that when he inevitably saves them both, he'll be killed by the two henchmen he just "saved". o I'll make sure both of them are watching from a safe distance in case he only saves one of the impostors.
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If he doesn't save either of them, I'll get an explanation out of him. Heroes have the same urge to explain how they do what they do for no good reason that we do, so while he's yapping, I'll just kill him. o If the hero is perceptive enough to see through such an obvious ploy, I will use the real deal as hostages, however I will make sure to use two deathtraps on each; one to kill the victim (which I will announce to the hero), and one to kill the hero once he saves the victim (which will NOT be hinted at). Too late. You just did. o Wait, scratch all that. I will NOT EVER do this. I will, instead, simply kill both the companions outright. If it's at all possible to send the hero into a Heroic BSOD, I will make their deaths as brutal as it takes to do so, and let the hero find out. If not, I will constantly dangle the hope that their companions are alive and well somewhere and just waiting to be rescued by the hero. I will not, however, kill them myself or ever allow the hero to find out about them while I'm anywhere in a 100-mile radius from the hero; I'll use a remote-controlled robot duplicate. The inevitable Unstoppable Rage could be very hazardous to my health. And if the hero's legendary power upgrade can be triggered by the death of a loved one then this is straight out. I will NEVER kill the hero's companions unless they are at least as dangerous as the hero. Instead, I will attempt to persuade them that I am actually misunderstood instead of evil, then cheerfully release them, assuming we're not on the eve of activating my evil plan. The hero is far less likely to kill me if I Pet the Dog often. It's not like a prison will ever actually hold me, even if I am overthrown. Even if the plan fails, survival means I can try again. If I employ a team of Muggle laborers to build some device that, unbeknownst to them, is crucial to my plans, I will have a reasonable idea of how fast I can expect them to work. If the foreman tells me it is impossible to finish within the specified time frame, I will listen and adjust my plans accordingly. Having him killed will not make the work go any faster, and suspicious deaths will only attract the heroes to come investigate. A hero entered the realm bitter and alone. He met a love interest. She's beautiful. She's smart. She becomes his everything. She is his reason to fight you. If I ever capture both, for fucks sake, DO NOT TOUCH HER IN FRONT OF THE HERO! Cuckolding a hero never works, and only has one possible outcome. Love, jealousy, revenge, and hatred make a very explosive mix. o On second thought, just keep them apart. There's a good chance that touching him in front of her would be just as suicidal. o I will make polite attempts to woo her, on the off chance that it works. If I am in a position where I can put most of my evil-doings off on my underlings or a superpowered evil side, I'll even help her escape. Again, survival is the ultimate goal, and she's probably the only one who's able to stop his Unstoppable Rage. When taking over the world I will leave it to licensed professionals when using a Laser of Death, Doom, and Destruction. There are good reasons why I hired all those scientists to build my big, dangerous, and complex weapon. Mostly because it is big, it is dangerous, and it is complex.
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As usual, I will make sure that they are all always immune to insanity and betrayal. If the heroes have the power to undo some of my plans, I will just do them over and over again. It will keep them busy, and it will be a nice way to pass the time. If the hero begs me to stop my Evil Plan before it's too late, then I will listen to him and seriously consider the merits of his offer. Sure, Taking Over The World would be nice, but he might know something I don't. I will not make a Deal with the Devil. Ever. If I ever am in the position where Satan approaches me with an offer I think sounds good, then I will carefully review the chain of events which led me to that situation. o If I am the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if every deal I ever make goes sour. As an added bonus, it will drive the Forces of Light crazy trying to find the "catch." I will not, however, use a roulette wheel for such purposes, as that can become rather... circuitous... in the long run. I will make sure that I'm Dangerously Genre Savvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am. o In addition, I will make sure that I don't take everything at face value, but actually think about this list and how it applies. Some of the things on here are not genre savvy, but I am genre savvy enough to catch them. o I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place. If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for not learning martial arts and sword fighting. o I should learn them anyway. o I should probably make sure I know how to properly aim a gun while I'm at it. o All minions will be taught how to deal with Bare Fisted Monks with reliance on Kung Fu, Karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them. Bullets work too. Unless, of course, the target has the proven ability to dodge or catch them. Flamethrowers also seem effective against Karate and the flame can't be caught or dodged. I will be wary of monks that can catch fire. I will not maintain Medieval Stasis when I come to power; I will encourage the march forward with technology. o On a related note, I will research Psychic Powers, Functional Magic, and Ki Attacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected Genre Shift from High School Drama to Dungeon Punk! I will not wield any gun or sword in any combination as my primary weapon. My primary weapon will always be land mines. The gun/sword is a backup.
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If land mines are not available, I will either invent them or find a substitute. Tac Nukes are not a substitute. At least, not for personal combat. If I'm ever in personal combat, running away and leaving things to various minions is probably the best tactic of all. o Should this fail, I will have a team of snipers ready to fire. As cool as it might seem to have the power to fly or shoot energy blasts out of my hand, given a choice, I will always spring for one or more of the following: immortality, invulnerability, regeneration, precognition, clairvoyance, or supergenius-level intelligence. If I'm really that concerned about it, I'll just use my superhuman intellect to build a jetpack and an energy rifle. o Similarly, if three goddesses want me to pick which one of them is the most beautiful , each one trying to bribe me with her personal blessing, one offering to make me a great King, the second offering me the love of the most beautiful woman in the world and the third offering me great wisdom and skill in war, then I'll choose great wisdom and skill in war. That way I can carve out my own kingdom and if I still want the most beautiful woman in the world, then I can just conquer the place she lives in and ask her to marry me. All chicks dig power and wealth, right? Wrong. I will be Genre Savvy enough to follow Wiki Links and know that this choice is Schmuck Bait. I will redirect said goddesses to The Hero, who can spend his time enduring the scorn of the other two goddesses who were spurned by his decision. If he manages to score all three gifts, my status as the Cosmic Plaything will be assured and I will retire, knowing that Failure Is the Only Option. I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail. o In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will not be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do, rather than that they will be on two ends of a spectrum of choices which will favour me and have as little as possible to do with anything that could favour the hero (although not so little as to indicate what this is by its absence). As an alternative measure for rule 88, I will send the same group that failed me again and again. Since they didn't die the first time, I'd rather have those incompetent fools suffer The Worf Effect instead of my competent underlings. o However, I will also take the utmost care to both make sure that this group does not turn traitor, as well as sending at least one covert ops squad to perform recon in tandem with the perpetually-failing group and discover why this group continues to fail. And upon discovery of this reason, will think up a plan to help my nontraitorous, perpetually-failing group to finally succeed, thus giving them a fair chance to redeem themselves. Who knows; it might not have been their fault they failed in the first place. Why do I care? To prevent my other minions wanting revenge for their killed-by-me friend(s)/family member(s) to leave me and help the hero. o Wily old mentors are Walking the Earth everywhere these days. I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can
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endure Training from Hell and Take a Level in Badass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out? These minions are obviously very loyal to me, as they went out and suffered a humiliating loss at the hands of the heroes. And withstood the hero's friendship speeches, and attempts to turn them from my service. You can't teach that kind of loyalty, but you CAN teach someone how to murder their enemies with a triple flip kick. I will not brainwash any captured heroes into turning on their friends, they'll always break free in time to stop me. If I can catch any of them, I'm just going to shoot the guy and be content with one hero killed. o Alternately, I will create a moral dilemma for the heroes by actually treating my captive well. Especially if I don't know how the hero would react to the death. No need to provide a trigger for the hero's Unstoppable Rage, and better to provide a way to nullify it. This goes double if the person I captured is also a Love Interest. Should my enemies live in an area I want to take over, I will take over EVERY AREA the heroes do NOT live in, then take over the area they do live in. o I will remember that this strategy will not work in the event that this promotes the inhabitants of that area to become the last of their kind. Or if they are French. I will subtly encourage my evil rivals to avail themselves of Rule 64. After all, a good psychiatrist will refuse to treat them, and if they go to an evil psychiatrist, they have handed a convenient master list of all their weaknesses and phobias to someone who will sell it to the highest bidder. As a corollary, I will bid high (keeping in mind the possibility that the evil psychiatrist may be planning a double-cross). If I hear about a prophecy or prophecies that state that a child will be born in a certain place with a birthmark or some other sign who will bring about my downfall, I will not immediately send troops to kill the child and its entire family. Instead, I will wait until the child is about five, while keeping it under surveillance, and then have it kidnapped and killed. Once this is done, I will bury the body in a careful location so the body does not get eaten by wild beasts, resurrected by the good guys or wash up on some foreign shore. And for everyone's sake, I will make sure that the child is actually dead, instead if just stabbing it once or suffocating it. Bullets are very helpful, especially fifty-fold. o Then again, since even at that age, it's a risk, I will instead do what I can to make sure the child has a content and happy life. If this child grows up to be a hero anyway, I'll make sure I've already followed the rules about good PR among the populace, so that the hero has less reason to think I need to be overthrown. If that doesn't work, I'll realize I'm in a You Can't Fight Fate story. o In fact, if I hear about a prophecy at all, I will have my scholars study it and present me with the information. Then I will make sure that I do not do anything the prophecy says I will. o Since the attempt to avoid the prophecy is what usually sets off the chain of events to its fulfillment, all prophecies will be ignored. o In contradiction to the above, if and only if I am a Villain with Good Publicity, I will personally take said prophecy child under my wing and teach him how to rule an empire while not appearing evil. In the event that the child does decide to carry out the prophecy, I will turn to the heroes and ask them to help me with my child. And if he out-backstabs his old man, at least I'll die a proud father.

Should I still make such an attempt, it will consist of immediately destroying said place and placing guards to ensure that nobody is ever born there. The guards will all be eunuchs. o Even if I'm to lazy to care about all of the above: when the prophecy tells he's the one who can defeat me, I will NOT try to kill the child by myself. He's just a child, so if I send troop to do the job, they will never accuse me of being frightened. If some extremely important and powerful foreigners come into my land/s, I will not threaten to take them hostage in my capital while I find and kill the person they were after, ZAKATH. Especially if the person they were after is my enemy too. Instead, I will give them help with their quest, and ship them out of my lands ASAP. After all, "power" is only good when I have it. o I will, however, send a squad of minions with them, so they can't just leave the country without telling me where they found said person. If I am aspiring to take over the world, or at least the known world, and I am informed that there is/are a person/s that can stop me if I do so, I will not kill the person who told me this and send out my entire force to kill the person/s. Instead, I will make sure that they cannot know about my plans and/or conquests until it is too late to stop me. I will have a staff of public servants who will behave as servants of the people; that is, be friendly and helpful. Also encourage idealistic people to work with the disadvantaged. Let them be known and liked among the population, so that they can hear any bit of gossip and learn ASAP whenever something unusual is happening. I would also encourage people talking in taverns and public places on all possible subjects, in front of public servants. This would save millions in local espionage salaries (not to mention that people engaged in such internal espionage tend to have an intimidated appearance which encourages people to shut up instead of babbling - which is what I want them to do). (This by the way is how all the German spies who parachuted in Ireland were caught within hours. Anyone who saw a stranger would mention it in the pub where the local cop was having a beer, so the authorities found out without having to pay any extra money - the cop paid for his own beer). If I can't replicate it, I can't fix it. If I can't fix it, I can't control it. If I can't control it, I will not use it. o This includes my own children and grandchildren, to a certain extent. When designing my fortress/fort/castle, I will not choose a Gothic design on a mountaintop in brooding, dark stone with too many towers and the occasional eagle. And it won't be surrounded by lava. Instead, I will design it somewhat in the manner of Castle Floret: on a raised hill surrounded by a moat, with a big heavy drawbridge. Also, the castle will be designed for height rather than length, and I will place the prison/gaol/dungeons right at the top. o I will always make sure that any door that needs to remain locked will have at least three locks, which cannot be picked. Also, the hinges will be placed on the outside, NOT the inside. In fact, before throwing anyone into my dungeons/gaol/prison, I will have them stripped and searched, and put into the minimum amount of clothing it will take to keep them warm. The cloth will not be durable or strong, so they can't use it for a rope. Even if they are very old/venerable/respected, I
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will not leave any personal effects, especially not medals. Also, window bars will be hammered onto the outside, not the inside. What are these "windows" that everyone keeps referring to? A good, solid, deep-underground dungeon is much more effective. Especially if you have a lead- and kryptonite- lined one. If any of my towns/cities/forts, etc are to be outfitted for defense against armies, including big heavy walls, I will have them buttressed from both the outside and the inside, in order to prevent an inside job. I will not sexually harass the princess I've captured. When I am inevitably caught red handed by the hero, he'll just be that more pissed off because he hasn't got that far with her. When engaging in warfare with whatever army the hero has assembled, I will not attack his army directly, even when my army outnumbers his a million to one. It will almost always be defeated through luck, tactical brilliance on the hero's end, or incompetence in my own minions. Instead, I will target his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and medical supplies. Without these, he can't raise an army to fight me in the first place. Remember, amateurs study tactics; professionals study logistics. o ... and winners study finance. I will thus, if given any opportunity to, find out how the hero and/or his allies intend to pay for their war material in the first place, and utilize whatever options I have to confiscate, nationalize, tax, execute leveraged buyouts upon, or otherwise economically ruin their financial situations to prevent them from building up any ammunition dumps, food stores, etc., in the first place. Plus, if I do it right, there'll be more ill-gotten gains for me. In the event that the hero intends to support his logistical efforts by stealing from my stockpiles, I should give him every opportunity to do so. The part where I make sure what he's stealing from me is as laden with as many tracking devices, poisons, creative yet subtle malfunctions, and/or hidden tactical nuclear warheads on a timer as I can arrange for doesn't even need to be mentioned, does it? o As an addendum, if I must fight the hero, I will use as small and economical a force as I can reasonably field, even if I could deploy vastly larger numbers of troops. This force will be led by my most well-liked minion(s). If my troops are outgunned, they garner sympathy and avoid being weakened by being part of a much larger force. Plus, it costs less. o I will, however, make sure I am not in a setting where brain-dead monkeys can handle the logistics. If I am a troper for this wiki, I will not take There Is No Such Thing as Notability for granted. Sure the hero may never find a use for my fears and turn-ons, but why take that chance? If I am in charge of a nation/empire that shares its continent with many others, and I go to war with some of them, and I am the Overlord of my few countries, I will never, ever regard another nation as "useless" simply because they have no real army. Chances are, they're renowned for poisoning and assassins, and you can kill an enemy just as easily by poisoning him as you can by actual conflict. If I hear about any form of magical fruit/s that can give the eater a special power, I will not:

A, immediately amass a list of all the people who had eaten the fruits and have them all killed, o B, gather all the fruits and have them destroyed, or o C, all of the above. Instead, I will amass a list of these people, and gather some (note: SOME, not ALL) of the fruits. I will eat a fruit myself and then give the others to those of my staff who need special powers, like trusted lieutenants or brilliant generals. Then, I will instruct my staff to offer employment to each of the people who had eaten a fruit in the field that they desire to work in, with a lot more equipment. Before doing so, I will make sure there aren't any nasty side effects. I will also make sure that, if there are such side effects, that I will never be in a position for them to be exploited. I will also make sure that I myself am not affected by such side effects, but what better use is misdirection than as a weapon? If the main race of my countries/empire/nation has a very big personality flaw, such as greed or anger, I will attempt to get rid of this flaw. Personality flaws destroy nations, as the Marags found out. Amateurs MUST BE KEPT AWAY FROM VOLATILE SUBSTANCES. Only skilled and experienced arsonists or explosive experts will be allowed to blow anything up, and that only if they work for me. o As well as that, I will never keep all of my explosives in one room. That has some baaaaaaaad results. My execution chamber will contain a variety of complex Rube Goldberg Death Traps, with a substantial time delay from the moment the switch is thrown until the eventual horrible death, from which a victim of sufficient ingenuity might conceivably escape. Needless to say, these will never be used on any prisoner I seriously want dead; those get a single pistol-bullet to the brain. The Rube Goldberg devices will be used on condemned-but-unimportant criminals on my realm-wide reality TV show, Who Wants to Live? It's always a good idea to give your subjects Bread and Circuses. Surviving contestants will be offered recruitment in the Assassination Regiment of my Legions of Terror, or a single pistol-bullet to the brain. Honor is worth its weight in gold. A reputation for honor, on the other hand, might have some practical value. Therefore, I will never make a promise I might find it inconvenient to keep, except when breaking it is certain to result in the immediate death of all persons other than myself who know it was made. I will take acting lessons until I can perfect the role of a fawning, cringing, servile toady. My trusted lieutenant will be trained to strut around in black robes intoning things like "Seize them!" and "Evil will triumph!" in a booming, sepulchral voice. If the hero is ever brought into my presence, my lieutenant and I will switch roles, just in case the hero has something up his sleeve despite being naked and shackled (they always do, you know). This will allow me to remain in the room and keep an eye on the situation while my lieutenant becomes the target of any possible attack. My lieutenant, just to keep him from getting above himself at that moment, will have a minibomb inserted into his heart, to which I will have the detonator in my pocket. My Legions of Terror will not march back and forth in front of my Fortress of Evil carrying long spears and wearing flashy, terrifying uniforms. That role will be filled by
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expendable security guards (or even more expendable actors) hired from a private agency. My Legions of Terror will wear practical camouflage fatigues and be trained to lurk out of sight until needed. If a incompetent subordinate fails me, I will not execute him; that would give his friends and relations a grudge to nurse. Instead I will transfer him to some functionary position with no important responsibilities and no prospect of advancement. He will still be of some use to me but his incompetence will no longer be any major hindrance to my schemes, and everyone will praise my mercy. I will not try to discipline my beautiful daughter to rein in her dangerous carnal appetites. To the contrary, I will raise her to use and discard men like this week's hot fashion. That way, if she falls in love with the hero . . . well, that's what he thinks! o Which, of course, will end with her discovering true love with the hero and joining his quest to conquer you. Expect her to die dramatically later on as her continued existence would interfere with the hero getting it on with the flower girl childhood friend. o Screw it, I will either not have children, or, failing that, raise them to have healthy but accurate attitudes about sex, and have them understand that relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, not some Accidental Pervert bursting into their personal Hot Springs. As a corollary to this, my daughter will instinctively go for the mace in these situations, rather than the Megaton Punch. It's hard for anyone to be dashing when they're clawing at their eyes. I will develop a spell called Acid Spray. Only my spouse(s) and children are permitted to know it. Anyone who is not my child and knows it is to be adopted into my family immediately. And if they don't want to join? If I force them, they'll betray me. If I kill them, that's bad for PR. Better just go with the mace. I will never employ any Doomsday Device that is so destructive it would leave me with no world or subjects to rule over. I mean, if the world leaders can't or won't come up with the ransom, what options does that leave you? If I discover that the hero has an Orphan's Plot Trinket in his possession, I will not show up at his door dressed in spiky armor with a gang of mooks and demand he give me the Staff Chick's necklace. Not only will he wipe out my squad, but now he knows that the trinket is important and will go to great lengths to figure out my plan and keep it away from me. Instead, I will disguise myself as a merchant, and when he stops at my store to pick up the latest weapon, I will offer to buy it from him for an exorbitant amount of money, or perhaps trade it for a component of the Infinity+1 Sword. Not only will it allay any suspicion, but if I get the necklace or whatever at the beginning of the quest, my plans will be complete before the good guys have any idea what happened. Besides, you can't get the Infinity+1 Sword until the very end anyway, and he won't make it that far. o Beforehand, I will hire a friendly pickpocket to steal it. If he is caught by the hero and becomes his sidekick, he will be my mole. I will have already implanted a bomb in his brain without his knowledge so I can kill him at the time of his inevitable Heel Face Turn. o Naturally, any weapons I sell him during the transaction will be faulty. They will also be coated with poison, but only on the handle.

Depending on the laws of the universe, curse items can be an amusing (and effective) thing to sell to the hero. Just be careful when handling the merchandise. o If I do trade the Orphan's Plot Trinket for a component of the Infinity+1 Sword, I will not give the hero the real component. A fake will suffice in this case. I will, however, ensure that all strategy guides written claim that the component I provide is, indeed, the real one. Additionally, the actual stats of the Infinity+1 Sword will be drastically overestimated in the guides, increasing the hero's desire to obtain it. This may possibly result in a Heroic BSOD once the hero spends thirty hours collecting randomly dropped components, and at last has all the others, but cannot create the sword due to the fake. If possible, I will obtain all the components of the Infinity+1 Sword myself. I will then hide them in different areas around the world - none of these will actually be feasibly accessible, however: for example, one component may be buried several hundred metres below the ocean floor in a randomly selected area of the sea. At least one component will be stored on my person at all times, however. The strategy guides will claim that the components are in entirely different locations, also quite hard to access. Needless to say, the guides will only be revealing the locations of fakes. By the time the hero's collected them all, I'll have put my final plans into action. Even better, if I can obtain all the components myself, I will make the sword and use it to fight the hero. I will keep it on my person at all times. The only way anyone else can possibly get it will be to kill me, which they will not be able to do because I have the most powerful weapon in existence. I will also look for any available Infinity Plus One Armor and accessories. I will find any available Game Breaker and use it as much as possible. Especially instant-kill type things. However, keeping it on my person at all times gives heroes a better reason to kill me: I drop the best weapons in the game. Maybe I should keep them in a safe when not in use. I will find the Bonus Boss, and do anything in my power to get it on my side. Even if the hero manages to defeat it, he'll be so weak afterward, that I can kill him without any trouble. o Only if I decide to attack at the same time. Like hell I'm gonna become the second member of a Sequential Boss Fight, or - me forbid - give them time to rest. If the boss and I cannot battle the heroes at the same time, I'll just hide one of the aforementioned fake Infinity+1 Sword parts with the Bonus Boss and request that he advertise that he has an important artifact capable of destroying my plans. I will never keep the final room where I reside, with my hostage/artifact, (or if the room is my last escape point) guarded by a a line of bosses ending in one big, almost undefeatable one. Chances are that it will be defeated, and if I have no other security, I'm stuffed. o Instead, I will have it guarded by a very long hallway full of nothing but turret guns. The bosses will all be with me in the final room. They will all jump the hero as soon as he walks through the door. At once.
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While I run away. Or disguise myself as a previously-unknown-butobviously-innocent hostage. I will create agencies staffed by experts and competent leaders to deal with any and all natural disasters, even if the chance of it occurring is less than one percent. I will supply these agencies with twice the funding and manpower they claim to require. They will be ready to act at a moment's notice and have outposts loaded with supplies at all towns and cities of significant size and will regularly practice drills with the public of what to do in the event of a disaster. It will do me no good to crush my enemies if a freak act of nature brings my empire to its knees. Very often, the Chosen One has mentors who are...let's be charitable and call them dicks. They'll use their Omniscient Morality License to put the hero through hell, make them have to make hard choices whether to defend the world or their families, and generally not be very truthful when it comes down with it. Should my spies report this is the case, I will pay for the hero's little brother's education, and keep his grandparents fed and healthy, and give his Ill Girl sister her operation. And there won't be any of those "mwahaha, but you have to do something evil first" deals. No, this will be be done with a smile. o Why? Because on that day, that day of destiny where he faces me down at my throne room; he will remember my kindness to him, and hesitate; and maybe even offer for me to join the Light Side. And I'll give a warm smile, verify he doesn't have any shield or illusion abilities, and shoot him full of lead, with 20 snipers in the rafters backing me up. Or better yet I will frame the mentor as the bad guy, offering said mentor's Training from Hell as proof of Evil and depending on the circumstances use the inevitable Heroic BSOD to either kill him while defenseless or get him to work for me. o If the hero doesn't have a mentor that puts him through a Training from Hell yet, I'll pay a hefty sum to a wise-looking jerk-ass (preferable some who has some real skill) to pose as a powerful old Kung-fu or magic master who dislikes me. When the hero comes by, he must show off his power, and eventually, reluctantly, offer him training. He will then send the hero into deathtraps. If the hero survives, he'll be told "Well done, you completed the first step of your training. Now for the next 27". If the hero is in any way Genre Savvy, he'll think it normal and even thank the jerk-ass for it. I will supply the deathtraps, making sure they are in no way related to the deathtraps that I actually use for my own security, and I will monitor what exactly the hero learns in case he keeps surviving. One better. I will make sure that the martial art he is taught will be one that is useless against my own brand of martial arts. Assuming, of course, that I have a use for the hero at all. Otherwise, I'll make sure that the "martial art" he's taught will actually make him a worse fighter than he already is. If I possess craft capable of taking cities off the map from orbit, I will not bother with a ground invasion but instead kill the hero and his hometown without him ever seeing me. The hero and his or her friends need never meet me or my Legions of Doom in person. o Spies to make sure he is there and coroners to confirm it after the fact are worth their weight in gold, however.

The locations of anti-aircraft missiles that could shoot down my vessels will be my first targets, and given no warning. Additional to point 10 of the original list: if I possess a fleet of spacecraft, ocean-going vessels or whatever, I will make sure that any captured heroes are brought not to my flagship, but to a small support ship (without the capacity to destroy my flagship). If the only thing that can kill my enemy is a silver bullet, I will make more than just ONE silver bullet. o The first two bullets in the magazine will be ordinary bullets. These will lure my enemy into a false sense of security, ensuring he doesn't try to dodge when it counts. Unless the hero is Nigh Invulnerable or Made of Iron, he'll still dodge the bullets because they'll hurt like a bitch. I will use all silver bullets so that when I finally hit him, it will kill him. I will not give myself an absurdly specific name, but rather be known as "Mr. Guy, subjugator of places." My methods will remain unknown to all but my own minions. o Also, I will use a variety of Mind Control that deletes the victims pupils, then outfit my new minions with artificial senses twisted as to make them do my bidding whether or not they realize it. As an extension of rule 136, any bomb that I build will be salvage-fused: If even a single wire (Any one of them) is cut, the bomb will detonate immediately. o That might be a bad idea, if the hero plans on taking me down with him. How about if the wire you need to cut to disarm the bomb is cleverly hidden directly beneath the countdown timer? o Any bomb I build will have a psychic connection to me, and will not detonate if I may be harmed by the explosion. As soon as I'm safely out of the blast radius, the bomb may go off freely. If the hero's sidekicks are all or mostly Yaoi Fangirls or Yuri Fanboys, I will use this to my advantage. If we are both highly attractive (and the hero is NEVER not), they will be too distracted by my innuendo-laden dialogue to even think about killing me off. As a nice bonus, the hero will likely be too confused to attack. If I for some reason decide to take my enemies alive, I will keep in mind modern prison standards when designing cells for my enemies. All cells will have modern concrete walls and floor, as throwing the hero in a decrepit and abandoned old part of the castle with brickwork that could potentially be dug through and leaving him to die unsupervised is right out. For important prisoners at least two guards will be posted outside the cell at all times and will have easy access to a button that will immediately kill the prisoner in case of prison riots, betrayals or attack by enemy ninjas. The cell block will also be kept under constant surveillance with hidden cameras, with the control room having remote triggers for all the 'kill prisoner' buttons. o As an addendum to this I will never store captured heroes' weapons, armour or Humongous Mecha anywhere near the prison cell blocks. Provided I cannot immediately put them to use I will have them either melted down or booby trapped and stored in a well-fortified warehouse several miles away from my prison. If its a mecha, I'll have the cockpit removed entirely. I will know when to call it quits. If for example, I live in a universe where the heroes always win no matter what I do or how Genre Savvy I've become because that's the way
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the universe works or because the heroes have a higher power on their side (like God or the writer), then I won't stay around until I'm wiped out. I will move to a new universe and try my luck there. o I will consider turning over a new leaf and being a morally ambiguous Anti-Hero. You'd be AMAZED what you can get away with if you focus on Acceptable Targets. I will never write my memoirs, and if I do, I will never put anything that is a secret in them. o On a related note, I will never discuss my nefarious plans on my blog. I will keep the fact I've just achieved immortality a secret, once it happens. Bragging about it just gives people the motivation to prove you wrong. If one of the villagers in my realm has a legitimate beef with a member of my Legion of Doom, I will deal with the matter in a fair and equitable manner. If they have no reason to be disgruntled, they won't bother helping the hero when he comes around. I will keep my peasants in check by providing a wide variety of amusements and entertainments. They won't bother helping the hero if it means they might miss their stories. o I will also get rid of TiVo. Note to all potential MALE Evil Overlords: All my nefarious plans can wait until after my wife's birthday, daughter's wedding or any significant girl in my life's important events. Missing said event will likely cost me very dearly under the "Hell Hath no Fury" clause. No event in the girl's life would be too insignificant, cause honestly, who kills the evil overlord when he's having tea time with "Daddy's Little Princesses and her court of Cute Stuffed Animals"? o And I can plan for the ceremony that happens during the total eclipse, but I will remember to plan for the above events as well. Heck, while I'm out shopping for the necessary materials for the ceremony, I can also shop for gifts. Just another way of making sure I'm prepared for everything. o Heck, if I remember such important dates, and the hero forgets that with his love interest, the humiliation would be worth it for that alone. I will make it a point to remember the birthdays/anniversaries of all people opposed to me and celebrate accordingly. I will send gifts to the heroes who thwarted my plans of world conquest on the appropriate days, to show that I bear no grudges against them. Ruling the world would be boring without people trying to oppose me. We can also play chess in the park between the inevitable conflicts. The heroes are one rung below the Quirky Miniboss Squad on my list of friends. Which is to say, when the hero falls on hard times from turning down all those rewards, I'll offer to let him join the squad. o Similarly, my Legion of Doom will be gender neutral and all male legionnaires will be required to take sexual harassment courses prior to working for me. I will have an all female detachment of my Legion of Doom specifically trained to deal with both equal opportunity heroes and all female bands of heroes (as well all male bands, but they are increasingly harder to come by) well before they come close to my inner sanctum. I might not have standards but that is no guarantee that my co-conspirators in my League of Doom round table don't and hitting a girl is

generally one of those that is more common. On the flip side, it also looks bad if you are beaten by a bunch of girls so having a girls-only attack group can help avoid that and the male heroes will never hit a girl. And taking down my regime might mean that they aren't pro-feminist, which will cause the female forces in my Legion of Doom to work even harder to defeat them. I do not need to beat the hero myself. In fact, the less I need to see of those meddling kids and their dog, the better. All troops under my command will be instructed and made clear that killing the hero in battle will earn them a handsome pay bonus. Legion of Doom troops tend to respond to two things: kindness from superiors and greed. And I have just wrapped them both up in a bag of super motivation. o Likewise, all Legion of Doom troops limping back from a battle with the heroes will be fully compensated for injuries. At least they tried to get him, ya know? o Wait, but then what happens if the offer of pay bonuses causes my minions to fight with each other over who gets to kill hero, leading to his subsequent escape? No, instead I'll offer a bonus to my entire army, funds permitting, so that they'll all be more likely to work together to bring down my foe. The best method would probably be to offer a pay bonus, secretly, to the unit detached to kill the hero (on the condition that, if they fail the first time after the pay bonus was offered, they cannot get it even if they kill the hero later, unless otherwise specified, and that talking about the bonus would get them severely demoted). Basically, you want to pay the lowest amount of people you can the bonus, so that you save money, while still causing no competition. The clause that the bonus is a one time deal is so that Unit A, which failed, does not sabotage Unit B when it goes out on a mission. If units are interchangeable, IE if minion C is a part of A and B, they either get two shots at the bonus, or are stuck with only unit A (or demoted to unit D, since they failed at killing the hero). It all depends on how your army is set up, but the basic premise is similar no matter what. Or so that every Unit still has a reason to try, I will simply give bonuses to all troops involved in the capture. If Units A and B cooperate in capturing the hero, then they both get the bonus. I should have enough money to afford it, and I'd rather make sure that none of the minions are bitter about blowing their chance at the bonus. If I can avoid dealing with Inflation, I will attempt at least one of the above compensation plans. o Alternatively, tell all the minions that everyone in the group which killed the hero will get a bonus in the form of a night out to the bar with all their tabs paid by me. It's enough that most minions would work harder to get it, but not so much that they would kill each other for it. When engaged in time travel, I will never ally myself with Those Wacky Nazis. It never helps and brown is such an ugly color. I will not censor the Internet. Nothing pisses off kids more than not being able access Wikipedia and YouTube. o Instead, I will pay vast sums of money to Yahoo, Google, Microsoft, and other companies in order to acquire software that is used to block porn and other stuff. It worked for China, why shouldn't it do the same for me?

Three Words: Iranian Election Fiasco. Although I enjoy More Dakka and a wide selection of BFGs as much as anyone, and it does wonders for establishing my superiority over the hero's nation, once superiority has been achieved, I will withdraw all such weapons from service in my armies, as well as all armored vehicles and aircraft. My forces may question this decision, but when the hero begins his first mission and realizes he will never acquire a weapon more powerful than his starting pistol or enjoy a vehicle section, he will resign in disgust and learn to live under my rule. o On the other hand, I will leave vehicles lying around, but make the controls as difficult and unreliable as possible so the hero will give up after the first few tries. I will not leave the keys in these vehicles. They will be provided to NPCs in the form of implanted security chips. Any NPC able to start a vehicle will be situated a very long way from the vehicles in question, and must be escorted to said vehicles by the heroes. These NPCs will have one hit point. Possibly half a hit point. If I manage to find out the birth date of the hero, well before the actual date, I will head for my space station and have an asteroid (preferably one whose diameter is measured in the hundreds of miles ) be dropped on the planet. I will then watch as the planet is quickly sterilized. o Are you an evil overlord, or are you just Kefka? I will not have anyone work on a project involving something that had killed their families or traumatized in any way without their explicit consent. o In writing. o If my lead researcher's family was killed by my Computer Assisted Biologically Augmented Lifeform, I won't have her in charge of my Logarithmically Engineered Governing Intelligence? especially if essential in obtaining the artifact necessary for my ascension. I'm looking at you, Kane. If I am the most powerful being in the universe and am fighting the hero in personal combat, I will not hold back my true power or give him a handicap of any kind just to make things interesting. Satisfying as it may be to humiliate my enemies, I will not demand that they kneel at my feet. It always goes downhill from there. o Especially if there is sand and small, sharp, bladed weapons. The Smash Mook and the Mighty Glacier will not be provided with melee weapons. They will take advantage of their strength by dual-wielding flamethrowers. Not the realistic kind, but the kind that fires in a wide cone. And they will only guard hallways. Dodge that, hero. o Preferably the kind of hallways that are right around a corner, lest the hero decide to take advantage of the lack of range on a flame-thrower. Of course, that's when the big guy should switch to his backup mini-gun. o Alternatively, I will give them both long-range weapons and short-range/melee weapons or weapons that double as both, like a flail or a battleaxe that has a machine gun or two built into it. If I do give them just a flail, I will keep the hallway smooth and free of features that the hero can climb, swing, or clawshot onto. And I will also give all minions a handgun as a backup weapon, so if the

hero does manage to get behind them, they can let go of the big heavy ball on a chain and just shoot him. I will observe the hero's habits and try doing some research on him/her. If s/he is one of those heroes who doesn't even try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene, I will always try to create as much drama as possible and shoot towards him once to save ammo. o Assuming, of course, there isn't a good reason s/he wouldn't try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene. If I have a super weapon that I don't have to worry about the ammo for, I'll freaking use it. I will give my minions armor that actually does something, and I will wear the same armor to confuse my enemy. I will hire a comedian to make sure my one liners are damn funny so that I can kill my enemies while they're laughing. If a twentieth century British police box appears out of nowhere, I will summarily drop whatever plans I have and make myself scarce. Said plans are almost certainly going to be thwarted. o In the event that the darned contraption follows me, making my Beautiful But Evil Daughter look like Rose Tyler and sending her to distract the occupant may buy me some time. o Dropping all plans and hiding may be premature. Police box occupants are often willing to offer a reasonable settlement before resorting to wholesale thwarting of evil plans. If, for example, I am offered some perfectly nice unoccupied planet elsewhere to take over in lieu of the Earth, or some means to achieve my research goals without needing to kick dogs by the thousand, I will not refuse unless I have a very, very good reason indeed. o If a police box appears out of nowhere, and I am notified immediately, I will obtain the police box and attempt to send it to a parallel universe. I will ensure that no occupants have left the box first, however. If nothing else, the occupants will be delayed for a couple of episodes before the box shows up again. During these episodes, I will build a good reputation, and put my more obvious evil operations on hold. When the box returns, I'll be a benevolent leader, and with any luck, the occupants will instead defeat one of my rivals. If I turn a named good guy into a mindless drone, either through mind control or more... invasive methods, I will make sure any superfluous memories and emotions are permanently obliterated. If I cannot do this without making them totally mindless, I will give them identity-concealing helmets and ship them to a Throw Away Country for life. I will never under any circumstances order them to kill their friends. o Speaking of that last point, if I discover one of my lieutenants has a past personal connection to the hero, I will not push my luck by either ordering him to kill/brutalize the hero or treating the hero brutally while the lieutenant is watching (and most certainly not while they are the only other two in the room, Palpatine). In fact, I will ideally have the lieutenant killed to be safe. If he is a trusted one and/or I don't feel like shopping for a replacement, I will casually mention his unused vacation time and hold off action against the hero until the lieutenant is sipping martinis in the Bahamas.

I will not kill God. It never helps in the long run. o When His son, or an equivalent thereof, shows up, I'll convert as soon as possible. My organization will NOT have any sinister sounding words such as "Doom" or "Evil" in its title. This would only be a dead giveaway to both the heroes and common masses, not to mention cause recruiting problems. Any magical lands with overly cute inhabitants will be destroyed by nuclear missiles launched from a distant location. Even the sweetest-looking may be home to a potential hero or his allies. o However, before using missiles to nuke aforesaid magical ice cream cake lands, I will first consider crop sabotage, introduction of invasive species, or other more low-key alternatives that do not implicate me. Long-shots be damned, nuking a country will still get their neighbors pissed off, and if the invasive species is cute enough then the inhabitants should accept them as their own, allowing the satisfaction of twisted irony that you just don't get from watching explosions. First, I would have to ensure that the invaders are totally immune to the aura of happiness and frienships that permeate such lands. One should never underestimate the power of the Care Bear Stare. Meanwhile, I will create false evidence that the inhabitants are really Always Chaotic Evil in order to eliminate sympathy. Failing that, several blocks of the invaders will be trained to be utterly indifferent to the land's glamour. Failing all this, (and only as a last resort, mind you), I will acquire a few Hounds of Nurgle and send them. After all, they just want to make friends, and none of us can help the way we're made, how can they turn them away? Besides, look at 'em ooze! Who could say no to a face like that? One of my trusted lieutenants will be a leading folklore expert familiar with obscure stories from across the globe. There's no reason that Genre Savviness should be exclusive to Western and Japanese media. This especially applies if All Myths Are True. o I will hire Shakespeare, Nostradamus, and all other famous historical persons who can perform such tasks if I have the chance. If I ever hear of a prophecy that I will not die until some improbable sequence of events occurs, I will immediately hand it over to my elite team of lawyers, philosophers and cryptic crossword enthusiasts to look for any loopholes that the heroes could exploit. o I will be certain to include my 5-year-old adviser in this newly formed team as well. Isn't there supposed to be a 5-year-old adviser on all advisory teams/boards/cabinets? If a prophecy tells me that my child will eventually kill me, and if I have children anyway, I will always treat them with kindness and love, and teach them to agree with my cause wholeheartedly, not just follow them. I will not disown them, try to kill them, or mistreat them in any way. That way, when their actions inevitably kill me, it will be an accident, and they will carry on my legacy. o Also, this ensures that, should my children one day disagree with my methods and scheme to stop me, they will still agree with my ideals and my mission, and thus continue my legacy as well (hey, it worked for Ra's Al Ghul... sort of...)

This also increases the chances that "kill me" means "switch off the machine after I fall into a peaceful coma at age 125". o I will make sure to give my child immortality, along with myself. This ensures that "eventually" is stretched to its limit. I will not favor any ethnic group or culture over any others in my empire. While the idea of an unstoppable master race may have its appeal and members of such race would be more likely to have my undying support, this will only encourage otherwise pacifist groups to actively join the rebellion. o Also, encouraging ethnic diversity is a good way to make sure that your minions remain competent. A Power And Skill Threshold for minions will be established. If a Leeroy Jenkins or other incompetent shows himself, I will check his or her place on the Power Chart. If he or she scores above or very close to the Power Threshold, I will employ the above method of mind control to prevent such incompetence. If they score below the Power Threshold, I will have them immediately dunked in electrified acid. o Also, any deathtraps I do have installed will have three-tier backups, and be initiated instantly. Lowering the heroes into my electric acid vat a couple inches at a time just gives them a longer period to figure out how to bypass the lasers, Deathbot Squad, and Bottomless Pit which infinitely shoots out mutants. If I have the power to shapeshift, I will make myself look like an adorable little girl holding a teddy bear. Rather than killing or maiming people in an adorable way and thusly scaring the shit out of everyone, I will use tears, begging, tantrums, and smiles to manipulate others into doing my nefarious bidding, and then quietly send them on yearlong all-expenses paid vacations somewhere bucolic. That way, people will love me and want to protect me when the hero comes in swinging rather than hand me over to him. If all else fails, I will maintain my adorable exterior rather than revealing my true form; even if they have definitive proof that I am an evil spawn from the depths of hell, even the brooding Anti-Hero will hesitate before killing a little girl, and while they are hesitating I will pull a dainty miniature Derringer from inside my teddy bear, shoot the hero in the head, and make a speedy exit. Because nobody ever expected Maggie to shoot Mr. Burns. On that note, if I have achieved supreme power and/or mastery over the very nature of reality, I will endeavour to transform myself into a cute Japanese girl, assuming I am not one already. This will ensure that the worst I will get after my inevitable defeat is tea time with the heroine. o Nope, you can still get killed in bloody manner even after hiding all tentacles in innocent form. If I ever want to keep a diary, it will be encrypted in a code no one beside me knows, and there will be no crucial information, which means no plans, names, dates, sites or information regarding anything that could be used to bring me down. I will not play MMORPG's. They're totally addictive, so I'd take up all my time playing RuneScape or World of Warcraft or Neverwinter Nights and I'd never do any ruling. o Unless a game is popular enough to significantly affect the world economy, its champions live like rock stars, and at least two other terrorist groups use it. In that case, my Dragon will conquer the game world, while I prepare a more conventional invasion with tanks and planes and stuff. As long as I make sure that

skills learned from the game are useless against me, my enemies will never know what hit them. If I get that dragon, I wish make sure they are - or make sure they become - a perfectly sportsmanly and amicable player who is aware of their humanity, to not give them a Tempting Fate of being being defeated by a sportmanly and amicable hero-player while they do not consider the possibility of them losing. Alternately, my Dragon can help me with my invasion and I'll hire a 19year-old boy or three to conquer the game world. I'll pay him in chips, soft drink and the opportunity to play in a room in my fortress, far from any parents nagging him to get a real job. My gamer knowing or caring about my overall plan is optional; so long as I phrase any orders I might have for him as a self-imposed limitation or challenge he'll follow them. o On the other hand, sending copies of the games to everyone in my Empire is a good idea, they will be to busy playing the games to do anything else. And what the hell, I'll play them anyway. I'm an Evil Overlord, I should be able to play whatever games I want. I will never, ever, let one person do all my ruling for me. Then I'm not the one who's the evil overlord. o However, I will remember that delegation is a good thing in moderation. My evil empire should not start falling to pieces just because I'm busy dealing with a group of heroes. Nor should it fall apart because I got food poisoning and can't come into the office for the next week. If I have to sign huge piles of papers, I will read all of them. It takes a long time, but it's a worthy trade-off for making sure my minions aren't trying to sneak something past me. Also, if I want something written, like a letter or a proclamation, I will dictate it myself. If anything at least as advanced as a typewriter is present in the setting, and my typing skills are such that I don't have to spend three minutes looking for each key, I will write it myself. o But in the latter case, I will still have my squad of lawyers and my five year old adviser read it over to see if there are any loopholes I might have missed. If there is only one person who can do something, like work a certain metal or cast a certain spell, I will offer them employment with me. If they refuse, I will send guards to make sure that they come to no harm, and that the hero can't avail himself of their services. If the guards fail, I will coat them with honey... no, actually, good guards are too hard to come by. Screw it, I'll coat them anyway; if they failed, they obviously aren't good enough. I will never assume that someone is stupid just because they don't know something, like basic mathematics or how to spell a certain word. They may know a lot of things I may just need. I will ensure that all punishments within my empire fit the crime. Nothing inspires a rebellion like the death penalty for ripping off a mattress tag. Minor crimes WILL NOT be punishable by death... or torture... or an ass whuppin. Rape, kidnapping, and murder (or the attempt to do any of these) may result in harsh punishment, but you won't get the shit kicked out of you for stealing an apple. o Jaywalking, on the other hand, will be punished SEVERELY.

Whenever I kill an incompetent assassin, I will endeavor to keep his or her fate a mystery, and order a full security audit, to find out how said assassin was able to breach the outer layer of defenses. I will consider pretending to have died or been gravely wounded while I sort out who is responsible for this. o If I kill two or more incompetent assassins in short succession, I will act under the assumption that the assassins are a diversion for some other action, and order an increase in military alert. And / or consider that if they're able to break into my place in the first place, either they're better than I thought (with support or not) or my security is seriously lacking in quality. I will get my scientists to give my minions nano-machines. I will then get them to make all doors and weapons respond to these and only these. This way the hero can't steal weapons or keys. o If this is not possible, I will use my wealth to put individual locks on each door. Since the user recognition for weapons already exist I'll have those anyway. If my lair has hazards which a certain magic item can help the hero bypass said item will be placed in the section where the hero would need it. o On the far side of the section where he would need it. Since, presumably, my minions would be coming from the inside and not the outside. o My hazardous material oceans will be devoid of plaforms that can help the hero get across. There will be alternate routes hidden throughout my lair for use by my minions so thay don't need to deal with the lava/acid/toxic water/spike pits. I will have at least 3 snipers hidden in various locations while I'm out making public appearances. Guarding these snipers will be a large group of soldiers. I will not deny my mortality and the fact that everyone in a high ranking position has at least 1 person who wants them dead. After becoming king/president/god/furer/leader I will make everyone's lives way better. Then, while planning to do evil things, I'll have armies of loyal subjects who believe me to be the best thing to happen to the world since sliced bread (which I may have to invent for them, making it the best thing to happen since me). o If I'm not careful, that might make me the Good Overlord, though. And I'd need a different list. If anyone attempts to kill me they will be tortured for the rest of their life in a prison in the coldest place on the planet. Combine with the fact that I'll be considered the best ruler ever (from the above) there will be no reason for anyone to ever attempt to kill me. o If the region is sufficiently large and cold and secluded, there will be no need for a prison. I'll just pitch the dissenters off the train and tell them to build their own utopia if they don't like mine. Anyone who tries to get back will certainly freeze to death. I will be very modest. I will regularly talk about God being my lord (regardless of if I'm trying to steal a holy artifact and become a god myself). This may keep people from suspecting me of being the evil demon ravaging the world. o However, I will avoid this tactic if religion conflicts is common in my universe. When there are Buddhist monks and The Four Gods around, God Is Evil trope usually occur.

I will have my scientists work on projects that would benefit the people (curing cancer and AIDs, breeding plants to grow in a very short time and continue to produce all year round). Who would want to kill the guy who gave you the crop that put an end to world hunger? o Preferably, those scientists will be the same ones that also developed my bioweapons for me on a part-time basis. While their weapon-research will be backedup frequently, their altruistic works will not, and they will be instructed to tell this last part to the hero when he comes to kill them. While I understand that any minions that work for me are likely to be evil, I'll make it very clear that when I say I want a specific girl killed, I do NOT want them to go all lecherous when they get her. My minions will understand that if I ever find any of my men with a girl who 'is going to die anyway, so we can have some fun first', they will have the body part they were thinking with forcibly removed. If they just do the job I told them to and come back on the other hand, they'll get a coupon for the Red Light district as a bonus. o There will be a Red Light District inside my secret base. Happy minions are productive minions. If any of my lieutenants has left to deal with the heroes, and I hear the other lieutenants comment that 'he's the weakest of us', it means he was killed by the heros 20 seconds ago. I'll plan accordingly. All my guards will be trained by Ex-Spetznaz agents and MMA fighters. Should they be disarmed they will still be able to beat the hell out of their assailant. o Train them in Krav Maga and MCMAC too. Krav Maga teaches you what to do in case the hero's mooks are smart enough to gang up on you instead of dancing around in a threatening manner while one of them is being beaten up. MCMAC teaches you unarmed combat, armed combat, and what to do if your gun runs out bullets (Hint: Guns are heavy enough to be excellent clubs.) My town guards won't be sociopathic assholes who bother people just because they have weapons and are the servants of the leader. Part 6 I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed to tell ME what I can do! I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my downfall. o I will make it a habit to allow peasants more opportunity in my administration in politics and military, since history has taught us that nobles are always corrupt dicks who will try to usurp you and clergymen are always going to extort money and privileges out of you so the best bet is to have a generation of commissioned officers and politicians who actually earned their positions rather than have a generation of pampered and spoiled morons who don't have the slightest idea of what they're doing

I will do my best to discover what the hero's favorite books or movies are, then pay close attention the actions of said works. That way, I would be able to catch a Genre Savvy hero off guard. I will not rely on Gambit Roulette to fulfill my Evil Plan for world conquest. I will enact several plans at once, most of which will be Gambit Blackjack at best. If however, my urge to play roulette is uncontrollable, I will set up an elaborate, hero-attention-grabbing string of events. I expect this plan to fail and its failure will lead to a secondary goal. Thus while the hero is distracted trying to avoid my roulette one of my other Gambits will have already paid off. Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left. o It also gets everyone, EVERYONE against me, including all my own minions save for the most insane. And sometimes the world itself. In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple. o Said sonic attack will comprise speakers pumping out 180db worth of a medley between It's A Small World, Never Gonna Give You Up, The Song That Never Ends, and the complete works of the Spice Girls, Justin Bieber and Korean Pop in general. And, of course, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Addendum: If the hero somehow ENJOYS this, then the deaf guards will congratulate the hero on his sick tastes with a flurry of lead I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France, Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects. o Any such outfit that impedes movement will break away if necessary. If it's puffy, this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well. I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs. If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of insurrection. In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance. Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives people the wrong idea. o That means you, Azula! o Why should we listen to you? Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.

No I Won't, because the people who do that are always guaranteed to die. Besides which, I'll need at least some of those qualities unless I want to have a 0% Approval Rating. o No emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years. That said, I will be aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective. I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called "The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes. o I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely harmless things intimidating names, however. Thus, anything called "Worldslayer" will actually be a radio broadcast satellite (preferably Heavy Metal), and I will make sure that there is no way it can be used for other purposes. If nothing else, it'll make the heroes look like dicks when I reveal that they're the ones responsible for taking down the rock station. o Or I might hire some minions who can play rock and call the group "Worldslayer". Entertaining the populace is important after all. If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what I expect will be fielded during the last stand. If the side with the plucky heroes, smaller army, etc., win, the one controlling my troops shall be executed. o First, I'll rotate the tacticians so that I can see if there really is just some critical flaw in my army. If this is the case, I will instead execute the person responsible for this flaw. Unless it's me. o In the case of tactics, with every flaw I will make sure the ways to exploit these flaws will become instrumental to a new plan branching off the old one and I will do this until it reaches a dead end and the heroes can't win. I don't really expect things to go right for me until they must and there isn't a third (or forth, fifth, etc.) option. I shall wear white clothes that stain easily so as to invoke the Law of Chromatic Superiority upon bloodshed. o If they stain easily, they won't be white for very long. If my enemy is a Mary Sue... I'm leaving that story. Dealing with that kind of character will be far more trouble than it's worth. I will keep in mind that heroes can read this list too and remain appropriately flexible in my planning. When someone is about to kill them, the majority of people will either beg for their lives, or break down completely. The minority will face their death with courage. Be careful of the minority. o If someone displays any other reaction to their imminent demise, they believe that you will be unable to kill them. Determine their reasoning and react appropriately. Their reason will normally fall into one of the following categories:
o o

They believe that your method of execution will not kill them. Procure an alternate method immediately. If you are using some sort of complicated machine, check for sabotage. Tis why beheading people is actually an effective execution. This will not be taken for granted, however. They believe that a rescue attempt is imminent. This can be anything from a sidekick hiding in a ventilation shaft to an army about to descend upon your stronghold. Contact your security staff, go to full alert, and check all sensors, particularly internal ones. Also, kill them ASAP. They believe that they can avert their death through their own actions. Most likely, they have a secret ability. Consider how a fight between you (plus any minions you have in the room) would go down. If you could easily defeat them, prepare for combat. If it would be a close fight, summon all reinforcements. If they handed themselves over voluntarily (perhaps as a prisoner exchange), run away. Also they may not be afraid of death because they can't die. These people must be dealt with in different ways. Their death is part of their cause's plan, and in killing them, I will doom my own plan to failure. Their death will make them and/or their cause an even greater threat to my plan. o Also if they seem calm and have accepted there fate they probably have a reason to be, and I will do my utmost to find it out, postponing the execution to interrogate them if necessary. All executions will be immediately followed by exorcisms. Even though We Have Reserves I will be Nice to the Waiter and try to minimize casualties. I will carefully review the pages on Boss in Mook Clothing, Demonic Spiders, and Goddamned Bats, and arrange for my Legions of Doom to consist entirely of these types, in order of decreasing preference. Actual bosses of my Legions will be That One Boss, without exception. Similarly, all bases under my control will be rigged to turn into the Scrappy Level at a moment's notice (or, more pointedly, the notice of an intruder alert going off). o In short, if the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Nintendo Hard challenge. Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter. Forget Nintendo Hard; I will have Platform Hell difficulty and then add on the bonus of all my minions being God Mode Sues. Forget Platform Hell. It will be Unwinnable. All the hallways will be lined with remotely-operated explosives, and all the bosses will be nukes. This will be in addition to overpowered minions. o In addition to this, I will exterminate all Money Spiders, Pinata Enemies and Metal Slimes. That should give me a nice boost in funds and allow me to take a level or two in badass, while at the same time denying these benefits to my enemy.

Screw the Hague convention. If the hero is unnaturally resistant to projectile weapons, my Legions of Doom will use poison-tipped ammunition. And they will always Shoot the Medic First. o On second thought, they will always use poison-tipped ammunition, regardless of the hero. o But if there's more then one medic we're doomed. I'll just split my forces. Half will shoot at the first medic, half at the other. This works even if there are three/four/five medics. If there are multiple medics, or most of the heroes have some sort of healing abilities, then I'll just have my forces shoot all of them. Or I'll invite them to dinner and have slow-acting poison added to their food. As a precaution, I will make sure that I have plenty of the antidote on hand to prevent plate-switching or confusion over which drink I'm supposed to take. Just pull a Dread Pirate Roberts and become immune to the poison beforehand. Make sure none of your minions are invited to dinner. Then, poison everything with said slow-action poison. Or just use a stunt double. If I decide to place the hero into a simulated reality, it will be designed by Uwe Boll, Aaron Seltzer, and Jason Friedberg. The hero should go insane within minutes. I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed. No one wants the body of a 10,000 year old. Even so, it may not be worth the trouble of having clones around anyways. o NO CLONES! If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic. I will most definitely be a Karma Houdini or an Anti-Villain. My ultimate weapon will be sock'em boppers. If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivelent there of) and inform people that my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment of a Kill Sat or 20. Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease. I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding citizen. When equipping my army, I shall make sure of these things: 1. All infantry weapons shall be usable by my all my soldiers with minimum of training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to operate and be maintained in an array of environments.

2. All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier. 3. All prototypes shall have plans. Furthermore, these prototypes will at most be as strong as my standard production models and shall be unnamed saved for a random number designation. 4. All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it. In other words: I'll use a lot of, and improve upon, Russian weapons. They have this constant tendancy to, well, not break. There's a reason countries still use the AK-47 and variants thereof. If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter. o Alternatively, I will take the animal, homing device and all, and donate it to a local orphanage. Not only will it look good to the people, but imagine the bad publicity for the heroes when they storm into the orphanage demanding the return of their beloved pet, only to see a bunch of wide-eyed little orphan children happily playing with it. If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, he/she will receive paid time-off and a nice gift basket as thanks. o If I still have authority upon my revival, a promotion may be in order. If I have to start over, I believe I've found my new right-hand man. I will not even THINK about trying to take over/cancel/ruin/kill/etc. Christmas. Instead, I will choose one of those Make-A-Wish foundation kids that wants to be an overlord for a day, and grant it...With some limits of course. Not only will this be good PR, I may even make it on Santa's nice list. Plus, with all those people saving the damn holiday, it's not worth the headache. o If on the other hand, I can trick the heroes into taking over/cancelling/ruining/killing/etc. Christmas... I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work. Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident" for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all along. o If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.

I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in any way a deity. That NEVER works. o No, divine right does not count... I will buy the rights to every song that could be used for a Training Montage. o And for good measure, I will bring back Grunge, Jazz and Blues in force, and make them adopted as the only forms of music. Try training to that! On second thought, just Jazz and Blues. The pulsing, pounding sounds of Grunge could just serve to punctuate how hard the Hero is working and actually be more effective than a normal Training Montage. Jazz and Blues might even be too dangerous. Maybe I should ban everything but... Peter, Paul and Mary? Wow, I really am evil. If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going to be me. For example "And the young orphaned boy will strike down the dark lord". I will make sure not to kill any parents, or at least, not to leave any children. And I will also wear bright white armor/clothing all the time. o Then again, as extermination never works, I could recruit all the orphaned children into a warm and comfy institution that raises them in such a way that, come graduation from middle school, they never suspect that their first meal of "high school" is entirely filled with nanomachines that, when activated, consume every yummy bit of flesh and bone within minutes. If the trade-off is no nanotech for magic, a similar lurking parasite will do. o Or just raise the orphans in as healthy and happy an environment as possible, doing my best to ensure any foster homes they are given to are wonderful to live in. Then if there are heroes from elsewhere, I will give those orphanages the aforementioned captured Team Pets. If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips. o I will also make sure that they are too closely spaced to be bypassed easily anyways, and that they are not on a timer. Also, the control device will be in another room and will require a key to use. This does leave it vulnerable to power outages, but since my stronghold should have its own power generator, if the power is out, I will assume that I have bigger problems than my laser hallway being out of order. o Said hallway will use lasers of realistic speed, rather than slow, easily avoided ones. o Screw the hallway. I'm building a solid wall of pure laser and putting it at the end. If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the room has died. o I will also carry a remote control on my person that can turn off the lasers in case I ever have to go through that hallway. It will only work after carrying out a retina scan of the user and confirming that the user has the proper security clearance. It will also check the user for vitality signs and reject anyone who is dead, unconscious, drugged, or in any other way incapacitated. However, just in case

the device malfunctions and rejects me when I'm in perfect condition, there will be no built-in trap designed to kill unauthorized users. I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel the righteous vengeance of the hero. All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off their (deceased) person after their defeat. o On second thought, make them explode. Everything Is Better With Explosions. Hell, at low health, make the Mooks run frantically to the Hero and explode on them. To encourage this behavior, I shall promise resurrection in a stronger body once they sacrifice themselves. If that isn't possible, promise to make sure their loved ones never have to worry about money. I will keep either of these promises, as it encourages loyalty. Having thought about it more rationally, I will not have my minions explode. Suicide bombers only guarantee bad PR, and automatic explosion upon death not only guarantees that I will likely received severe injury or death as a result, but would play hell on morale when my men start exploding all over their squad mates. Not to mention the fact that killing one member of my legion of doom could set off a chain explosion. I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep them from knowing my plans. o However, I will still assume that the Heroes managed to get a copy anyway, and plan accordingly. Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead. o Unless they're a sufficiently badass Heroic Neutral. If possible, I'll just leave them alone. The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life. I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful organization anyway. I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the goal which forced us to team up in the first place. o In fact, all alliances will be made with the understanding they're over one second after the goal is achieved. o Make this second a little longer: Aaandtill all the parties who helped with the achieved goal are safely home, or at their base. Makes sense for Evil Overlords to watch their backs! with a reasonable time limit. The provision is designed to prevent the members of the alliance truning on each other immediately afterwards, not allow some smartass to keep the allaince going by not returning to their base or home.

If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible. Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops as backup. Anyone who uses the phrase 'false sense of security' will be gently slid out of the chain of command and shuffled into an inconsequential administrative job if I'm feeling charitable and shot if I'm not. Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons, turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners, there will be someone on the spot to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit. o While doing this, they will be expected to take note of any weaknesses in the storage system that may be potential escape routes, to be seen to immediately. If fact they'll be given large bonuses if they manage to escape the dungeon (on their own or with hero assistance) and report in detail on the methods used. The dungeons will be immediately upgraded if this ever happens. If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again. No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking but actually useless object as a prize. o I will, however, keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour towards the sun. I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them how my Legions of Doom got their name. If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth. However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal. The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant information about that organization's activities. The people charged with killing cryptic old men and the people charged with planting fake cryptic old men need to know about each other. o Not that the former need to always ignore the results of the latter, or else the hero will figure out that the cryptic old men that get left alone are probably fakes, and will take seriously the ramblings of the old men that do get killed. If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give my

children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor skills to get anywhere near them. o At the same time, I will remember the Westermarck effect and will keep up-todate in modern genetics and psychology. I want to deter my children from rebelling against me after all, not make them feel like their only chance for a normal life is to go over to the hero's side; making them feel like I'm pushing incest on them won't help that goal. In short, for important milestones in my children's life, I will invite as many families as is reasonably possible for parties. Any friends my children make will be noted and invited more frequently and if, possible, trained along side them. I will then either locate or secretly commission stories that cast the Unlucky Childhood Friend as tragedies and reinforce the concept of the First Girl Wins. If the Hero is my child's childhood friend, then I'm screwed, aren't I? Not necessarily. Whatever else he or she may know about me, the Hero can't help but remember me as the guy who gives awesome birthday parties with ice cream, cake, and pony rides. There is a good chance I can at least get away with my life. If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own forces and population. If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use the Phantom Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless peasant, perhaps they make the safer route. I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while quietly indoctrinating them to serve me. The last thing I want is a long-suffering sympathetic character to result from this, unless they are firmly on my side. o Under no circumstances whatsoever will I create or otherwise allow to exist a suffering, sympathetic character of extreme power. That does not end well. o And under no circumstances will I hold any of them hostage, with a gun to their heads. There's a better than even chance the hero won't let me finish my threats, especially if it's someone the hero cares about. I will not try to summon a 1000 year old demon and try to command it, THIS NEVER WORKS. o If I do decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to command than expected.

To be particularly safe, I will summon the fiend in the midst of enemy territory and then run. The brunt of any rampage will be taken by the surrounding enemy populace, and there is little chance the heroes would attempt to ally with such a beast. o Alternately, I will no try to summon a demon, fiend, or other unholy creature, and endeavor to conquer the world on my own power. If I must summon a demon, I will summon this demon inside of my enemy's body, so that the demon's appearance kills him/her by displacement. This will be done whilst the hero is restrained from every possible movement, including word of mouth, in a location where the hero's allies (if there are any) are equally restrained, preferably nearby absolutely nothing so that the demon can be left alone after consuming or otherwise ending the party of heroes. If possible, this will be recorded and broadcast to the world as an execution of genocidal traitors. Otherwise, it will remain quiet and undiscussed. When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses. Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of Prostitutes, and Littering. Depriving the hero of the alliance Hooker with a Heart of Gold, the Tagalong Kid, the Friend to All Living Things, and the Even Evil Has Standards members of the resistance will only act in my favor. o I will also make sure that there is no way for the heroes to prove their innocence. It only makes me look worse than I already am, if they can prove that the charges are made up. As if I don't have a reserve of dead prostitutes for just such an occasion. o I will use "Attempt to overthrow ruler", but only in the areas with a high concentration of fangirls. I will kill the fangirls. All of them. o Alternatively, I will endear myself to them, thereby ensuring that no matter what I do, there will always be a very, very vocal sect that loves and adores me. Not to mention they can be quite scary when turned against someone. ... but if that doesn't work, then yes. I will kill the fangirls. You're doing it wrong. You recruit the fangirls. A large dedicated army of women? The perfect army/harem! However, to prevent female heroes sneaking in, I will require on the application a multi-chapter fan-fiction saga that conforms to all correct minutia of my personal canon, save which people I am likely to make out with (...I want some people to pass this test, after all). Also, this saga must have an acceptable ending, as Evil Overlords hate Dead Fic as much as anyone else. In addition to my policy of avoiding single combat whenever possible, I will particularly treat challenges to one-to-one combat from the elderly, the meek, the ridiculously lightly built, and the mentally handicapped with all due caution. I.E. I will order my Legion of Terror to gun the challenger down from a safe distance.

One-to-one combat with any individual or small harmless creature called "Fluffy" is not ever worth considering; Go straight to fuel-air bomb, Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds. Ez naiz nahi izan nire gaitz azpijokoa lhnp. Beraz, banu duzu hizketa nire burua nion, ez dudala hizkuntza hil oso aditzaren lhnp eta aditzaren ezezko biribil ri dagokion atzerriko hizkuntza antzeko Euskara. Erabiltzen da gramatikaren aldetik ikuspegia nahasi Euskara. o Okay, no, I'll just announce my evil plans in the most non-villainous voice around, making me appear as more of a Cloudcuckoolander than an actual Evil Overlord. Creepy Monotone: yes/no? No. I'll sound like Slade. Actually, that's not a bad idea... It will certainly get the fangirls on my side. If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience will be met with careful skepticism. o In the same vein, I will make certain that any deity I worship or claim allegiance to (chaotic, evil, or otherwise) is at the very least benevolent and forgiving towards its servants, lest my plans be foiled anyway. When the hero challenges me to a children's card game or a Cooking Duel, I will accept. When he disarms and prepares, I will shoot him in the face. o And when I'm captured, I'll challenge the hero to the Serious Business Cooking Duel, and then shoot him in the face. No, I WON'T shoot him in the face, especially if he has friends nearby. Crossing Moral Event Horizons tends to result in Laser-Guided Karma. If I choose to do it anyway, I will make sure he's a Anti-Hero, and not a Friend to All Living Things or The Messiah. Plus, if I keep my word to the hero, I can trick him into an agreement a later point, and gently remind him that I've kept * my* end of the bargain to him. I will study Joe Chaos, Lelouch vi Britannia, Kane, and Grand Admiral Thrawn. I will then combine their strategies. In addition, if my PR is so good that the entire world loves me, I will use this combined strategy to my advantage: I will get myself publically and brutally killed by an assassin who disguises themselves as the hero then gets away cleanly whilst I am using a cursed item that will ensure my resurrection in a few weeks' time. This will unite the entire planet against the hero, and I will shortly return to lead them against the man who killed their idol. Why a cursed item? They tend to work every single time, and they usually grant immortality, which some people, curiously, think is a bad thing. o I will make sure, however, that said immortality doesn't just grant eternal life and youth, but * also* immunity to all disease. Cancer is no picnic. If it doesn't, than I will only use it if the ability to repair DNA damage an unlimited number of times exists, and I will learn how to make and use said technology myself, just in case. If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply, but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the hero is that
o

deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now. I will not invade Russia in the winter. o I will never get involved in an land war in Asia. I will also never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Unless I've already won. o In which case defeat is inconceivable! o "You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." o Scratch that about the winter: I will not invade Russia if the estimated time to complete the campaign is in the middle of winter. At least, I'll try to start invade after winter ends (Yes, I know that this line does not fit the whole The Princess Bride thing, but consider the disaster that Napoleon and Hitler faced, it makes more sense). o Any warplans against Russia that predict victory in short decisive campaigning will be discarded. All planning will be done with hard war of attrition in mind. Duration is expected to be at least several years, while suffering horrible weather, guerrilla resistance, and overextended supply lines. During invasion I will treat locals better than current government (that should be easiest part), while trying to get various oppressed minorities, dissidents, revolutionaries and secessionists to support me, or at least weaken current government. All my evil plans which require unpopular acts like terror, executions, and ethnic cleansing, will be postponed until organized resistance has been defeated, population has been disarmed and guerrilla resistance wiped out. Or I could just Nuke them from orbit. I like that idea. When in doubt, just use nukes or Kill Sats. o Or I just plain won't invade Russia in the first place. First of all, the place is so big that my supply lines will be overstretched and extremely vulnerable. Second, no one who collaborates with my forces can be trusted . Third, the government has a whole goddamn CONTINENT to retreat across; they're not going to surrender just because I've captured Moscow. Fourth, fully capturing the place will take so long that my forces are going to face General Winter no matter when I start the invasion. Rather than pick a fight with Russia, I will ally with them; they make really good tanks , the place is a great fallback position in the unlikely event that my own lands are overrun, and their national animal symbol is a friggin' BEAR. Besides, the only group that really "conquered" Russia didn't really rule over the place after doing so; they just demanded regular tribute and otherwise left the people alone. And even then, they were ultimately driven out. I will not fight the hero as God intended. Sportsmanlike. o In other words, we will not put down our weapons and try to kill each other like civilized people. Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a waste at that point. If I decide to Hypnotize the Princess, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to, and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for me.

Rather than a long and convoluted multi-stage plan, I will simply make use of a series of plans each consisting of one stage. If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story." Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion. In order to prevent Gaia's Vengeance (or at least a group of environmentalist heroes attacking me), I will make sure my diabolical schemes are as eco-friendly as possible. o In fact, I will be a strong supporter of animal rights and environmental protection in general. If I have weapons of mass destruction, they will be the "creates wilderness" variety instead of the "makes a smoking crater" variety (a WellIntentioned Extremist gets slightly better PR anyway). If my plans are environmentally destructive, this will be offset by green initiatives and large cash donations to animal rights groups. This way, I can recruit the Friend to All Living Things as my dragon, and deprive The Hero of their services. If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies this will either make the guards let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge the Karmic Death by saving the hero's life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel Face Turn is optional. I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit and possess basic comforts not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so. My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform them that they were crushed when they wake up. Try escaping NOW, hero. o It's already been done. You shouldn't tempt fate, even in your thoughts. I will try avoiding hiring Knights of the Templar variety as my police. They have a bad tendency to take orders literally, and I need my Public Relations Image to be high. o This won't stop my from hiring them as soldiers, obviously, because fanatics make great infantry. I will keep in mind that the most dangerous person in the hero's group is either the little old man or the small, skinny girl. If the hero is either of these, well, liberal use of the Kill Sat is always a good plan. You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who Wants to Live Forever??

Well...What about a simulated reality? You can do whatever you want in there and it all becomes fake! Though you gotta be careful that you actually know if you are in the simulation. Maybe you get a funny hat when you enter... o You're not getting it. Evil Overlording is hard work. There's plenty of time for genocidal fun once The Chosen One is gone, and until then, if you are not content with obscene wealth, nigh-unstoppable power, your multiple harems, your army of loving servants, your rocket car, your house made of gold, and the gaping hole of black in your chest where a human heart once beated and loved, maybe you should choose another career. If you want a short and fun life with a painful end, we have openings in our Big Bad Wannabe department. I will also get a tan and dye my hair blonde, to confuse the enemy. o The latter isn't such a good idea. I amend the previous statement. I will not look like Albert Wesker, instead, I'll dye my hair red and watch the hero try to "change" me, and I shall sit back and giggle to myself. If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting, I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode in a violent fashion). If I hire any ninja, I will make certain they understand the concept of stealth. Any ninja who are known to run around in broad daylight screaming the names of their attacks at the top of their lungs will not even be considered for the job. o Same goes for any type of person who does not do what their job title is supposed to be. o They will, however, be considered for non-stealth missions. No sense throwing away people with good combat abilities because of personal bias. People who shout the names of their (incredibly devastating) attacks will fit right in with the Quirky Miniboss Squad. People who feel the need to name even attacks as simple as kicks and punches will only be fit for the role of Court Jester, which will be the job with the highest mortality rate in my entire evil empire. My desires to build and use inescapable death traps will be vented on the Court Jester. If their name is Jack Rackan, however, I shall endeavour to get as far away from them as possible. o Ninjas in my employ shall be hired according to their skillsets and organized into one of the following sub-categories: Combat Ninjas shall accompany my Legions of Terror dressed as one of the basic soldiers; imagine the hero's surprise when his small group is butchered by the seemingly useless Mook. Assassination Ninjas shall be just that, Assassins. Refer to all Assassin based entries for help. Subtlety Ninjas shall work as my Spies and Infiltrators, planting false information, retrieving important information and generally making the Rebellions efforts much more difficult. On 847th thought, screw being an Evil Overlord. If I can do all of that, I can go legit and make a ton of money much easier.
o

If I decide to become legit, I will still be evil. There will be much cackling, and declarations of my godhood. Because, if I'm completely legit, there's no need for humility since no one can punish me for anything. No matter how consumed I am by The Dark Side, I will never ignore or forget the reasons I became an Evil Overlord in the first place. Just saying that I inherited The Empire from my dad doesn't count. I will cross-train all my maids in the art of combat. Imagine the hero's surprise when the seemingly harmless French Maid runs up and kicks him in the head. Or other places.... o Why waste the surprise on a kick? The moment where she throws herself into the arms of her "liberator" will be a great opening for that knife hidden in her featherduster. If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise be my death. o My palatial castle-tower will be able to remote detonate. Which I will use when the heroes arrive in "my chambers" at the very top of the 10th floor. Or possibly several stories underground. Either way, I want it to be inescapable. o Why most villains make themselves so easy to locate is unknown, but you can be sure most heroes would not expect such tactics, nor would they take a liking to rooting through acres of wilderness looking for a hidden second base while you continue a guerrilla war with the remainder of your army. I would think that the point of being the evil overlord would be to make sure that the peasants kneel before you on a daily basis. Living in a concrete bunker in the wilderness during times of peace would be just ridiculous. I became an evil overlord for the perks, that's what makes conquest worthwhile. To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you. o I will however remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause Anti Heroes to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems. o I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I will not count on this. All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.
o

If I don't want to risk cutting my own hair and making a mistake that looks horrible or stupid, I will only allow someone I trust near my neck with a pair of scissors or a razor, and they will have guns trained on them at all times. o I will always be clean and well-groomed, especially if I have to appear before the public. I will not be obsessive about my grooming. Elaborate hair styles, makeup, and beards take too much maintenance, and messing it up is an easy way for the hero to royally piss me off. o If I am a male evil overlord and I am blonde, I will dye my hair. My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way. I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharping up my innocent looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of a Genre Savvy than him? From time to time, I will creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout "Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry. o The front line of the light infantry, in fact. o I will wear sufficient armor to protect myself while doing this, though. Any guard who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at me, presumably before I'm in stab-them range, will be considered for promotion to my Personal Guard. And at least a raise. On second thought, I will hire somebody else to do this and equip them with a mini-cam to record the results. No sense risking death because the guard I just startled got a lucky shot through the gaps in my armor. Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my emergency escape route. I will stop wasting my time on stupid, pointless sites and actually try getting my Evil Empire off the ground. When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start working to keep everyone together. La Rsistance will likely be trying to ruin my new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion. Bread and Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Rsistance is often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone? I will start my global empire in Australia. Great natural defenses, and a tactically powerful geographical position. o Plus, if I start in the Outback, it may take years for anyone to notice. If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power when you aren't right in the head. o My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.
o

The misinformation campaign regarding my one secret weakness shall involve several fake weaknesses, each confided in a different person. This way, if the hero attempts to vanquish me by dousing me with lemon-lime sports soft drink, I will know immediately who I need to issue arrest and termination orders for once I dispatch that annoying dogooder. o In fact, let's just cut out the middleman and have most of the false weaknesses require a Heroic Sacrifice. o Or the false weakness will require the sacrifice of innocent blood. This will rule out most heroes from trying to kill me, and then I only have to keep watch for anti-heroes. I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of small arms, illegal purchase of second-hand nukes and expensive development of awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the message, there are various anti-tank munitions, Thermite Missile Massacre, explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying so it's wise to have some more up my sleeve. Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have. o The reason why is because of the ever so annoying trope Never Bring a Knife to a Fist Fight which always screws up the technological logic behind weapons. o On second thought, I will simply not get involved in a gun or fist fight. My body double will do it. When the Hero and the double disarm to enter the ring, my expert team of snipers will blow the hero's head off of his shoulders from half a mile away. The body double will then use the explosive hidden in his cloak to blow up the body just to make sure. If the hero is really powerful, then I'll bring in the Kill Sat, which has the added advantage of killing any sidekicks who came to watch the fight. I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes won't swipe it from me and use it against me. I will always have a backup plan on the off-chance something goes wrong. It doesn't hurt to be prepared, you know. Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the methods. I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and sound the alarm. If I find myself I absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse. I will ensure that my secret police, black knights, whatever shall be recruited as young as possible, and be orphans so that no one will notice that they're missing to ensure

complete and absolute loyalty to me...However, I will make sure that it is not me who's personally responsible for their kin's demises, that's just asking for a Karmic Death. Also their existence will not be known to the general public and their main role is to eliminate my political enemies and the heroes without having anything trail back to me... o Children orphaned because some clueless hero tried to topple my regime and the ensuing mob law got violent will make excellent followers, since they understand that even unjust law is better than none at all. Since I'm a realistic evil overlord, my main priority in any conflict will be to "not lose" rather than to actually "win".... As Sun Tzu said "Defeat lies in one's own hands whereas victory lies in the hands of the enemy" and since most of the time it's easier to kill a cockroach than to crush a hero's determination to win it will be easier in the long run If the Hero is between the ages of ten and thirty, I will be especially careful. Extra caution shall be used when they reach the ages of 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, and 25. If two countries are at war with one another, I will sell weaponry, soldiers, and supplies to both sides of the conflict........I will charge the country that's losing the war more for my aid because I know that they are more desperate, and I will also try and keep the war lasting as long as possible, be it through spreading rumours of surprise attack from one side or assassination of pesky pro-peace officials in one of the country's bureaucracies and framing the other side for it........This would be efficient and beneficial for me for several reasons o It would allow me to make A LOT OF MONEY. o I would be able to test the lethality of my weaponry and my soldiers would earn combat experience without me to actually having to go to war on anyone. I will not provide manpower to both sides of the conflict. The last thing I need is for my soldiers to grow accustomed to killing each other. o After the two countries are both politically crippled due to the extended period of war, it will be ridiculously easy for my army to go right in and annex those two countries.........and the masses wouldn't care that they just been conquered since there's peace at last. My dungeons will have no furnishings with which a hero could fashion into ways to escape. o In fact, individual cells will have no furnishings whatsoever. The toilet will be a hole in the stone floor, too small for any hero to crawl through. Just in case, the pit underneath will have no method of escape; it's a dungeon, it doesn't need to smell good. Meals will, of course, be supervised from start to finish, and all dishes will be returned. It goes without saying that the hero will be given nothing sharper than a spoon. Industrious Heroes have been known to sharpen spoons into weapons. Wooden spoons would splinter. Plastic spoons can still gouge an eye. Absolutely. No. SPOONS. Of course, making sure your guards are fully armored with eye protection when handling the hero goes a long way in that regard. If the hero can puncture the lens of a clear metal goggle with nothing but a plastic spoon, then you're probably going to need a sturdier dungeon anyway.

If I absolutely MUST keep the hero alive, there's absolutely no reason to let him keep his HANDS. At the very least, his thumbs will be removed. If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself. And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a backup plan. If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least blunt them. I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but brainwashed to obey me. o It's not brainwashing if I cut out the entire brain and put in an efficient microprocessor, removing all memories and humanity in the process. I will only convince a less advanced civilization that I am a god if I already meet their qualifications for one, there are no rivaling deities, their religion is not a strictly pacifistic one, and I am benefited in some way by worship. If I have advanced technology, I will share it with them as long as it is not capable of destroying me in any way. All soldiers will be instructed that anyone I bother sending them after is worth killing, as are their close friends, especially if those friends have powers of their own. When reading this list, if certain elements contradict each other, I will assume the Original Overlord List to be the more Genre Savvy, and thus follow the rules on that list. Also, I will remember that some things just wouldn't work. For example, although there are some things I must keep on my person at all times, I cannot keep 5 guns, 3 knives, the Infinity+1 Sword, The Infinity Plus One Armor, 5,000 Remote Detonators, 10,000 Keys, The Plans to all my various Schemes, 50,000 of whatever currency I have, several books, a couple of maps, the Game Guide, several Plot Coupons, my shopping list, and my teddy bear all on me. At least not at the same time, and labeling all those keys and detonators would be a pain. o Bag of Holding. Hmm, well, I guess No, that wouldn't work. Even if I had a place to store all that crap, finding specifically what I need in that pile would be unfeasible. Heward's Handy Haversack is a Bag of Holding with an auto-sort feature, and tends to be cheaper than the equivalent bag. If The Hero is my trusted lieutenant's son, and I won my trusted lieutenant over with his/her love of family, I will not try to kill The Hero in said lieutenant's presence. o Especially not with an Agony Beam. Nor would I send my trusted lieutenant after his hero son even if he volunteers, not until it's neccessary. I will reject his request with a Big "NO!" and tell him how it will be hurtful to fight his own child. This will keep my status as Noble Demon and if there is some goodness left in my trusted lieutenant's heart, he will certainly align it with me.

Just because the hero is dead for good does not mean I can be totally secure in my power. There will always be someone to take their place. If I am fighting in space, any who wish to be in command of any of my ships must first pass a class about space. This class will try to ensure that my commanders do not believe any of those commonly held misconceptions or myths about the way outer space actually works. This will give me a huge tactical advantage over my enemies who do hold these beliefs. o Unless it turns out that space really does work that way in the universe I occupy, in which case I will adjust the classes accordingly. Screw making my defenses Nintendo Hard. I will make them the Kobayashi Mario: Literally unbeatable. No way for my enemies to win. o Exactly how will you do this, though? Only genuine reality warpers can pull that off outside of computer-sim worlds, and even then heroes will always find a way. It's worse to believe that one's defenses are impregnable than for there to be an actual vulnerability (especially if one is quite well aware of that vulnerability and ready to kill anything that "exploits" it). I will make sure I get laid often enough. screw this minion buisness ill just steal aquamans powers then use cthulhu and dagon as super weopons and use the human size cthulhu star spawn and deep ones as infantry o I will ensure that I present myself in a manner that does not garner ridicule from my enemies, unless I am trying to lower their guard at the expense of my credibility. This means that I will not, under any circumstances, ever use the above writing style. o Poor punctuation is unbecoming of any aspiring overlord, and no one wants to follow a leader who can't form a complete sentence, let alone an evil army. I will under no circumstances ever be a Grammar Nazi such as the above troper. It just makes you that much more hateable. Instead, I will merely strive to maintain my own communication abilities at a presentable level. There is no profit in being a Grammar Nazi; After all, if my competition is embarrassing themselves, why should I offer them any assistance? When starting my reign of terror, I must make sure that everything is in my favor. I won't be shortsighted fool trying to subvert the evil AI; I'll be the evil AI. Instead of being the naive sap who tries to unlock the Sealed Evil in a Can, I will be the evil that is sealed... Except I won't be sealed. If, in the event that I am not in a favourable position when I come into existence, I will never employ the services of the aforementioned. Instead, I will allow my rivals to pursue such foolhardy tasks. If an opportunity presents itself where the protagonists requests my help with the containment of any inevitable apocalypse, I will readily comply. o Obviously, if I were in a position where I was a malignant AI or the not-quite-sosealed evil, I will not announce my presence to the rest of the world. I want to run things by my own agenda, and preemptive strikes from the world authorities, while futile, are ultimately distracting. To avoid a situation where the protagonist's weakness gives him a stuffy nose while my weakness causes me to die, I will have my doctors cure my weakness to at least equal to my opponent (if they are unable to cure it completely).

To secure that my loyal subjects don't see that I'm actually an antagonist, I will work my evil empire from afar like several countries away using a webcam. My highest ranked men can hopefully be trusted to cause terror and such without fucking something up. Should I be injured, I will take a vacation rather than put gauze on it, leaving a large target for my opponent to aim at. My WMDs will be able to be deployed at any moment, regardless of if it is only at 60% power when the hero bursts in to stop me. That way, while the hero is feeling great for reaching me before the doomsday weapon is at full power, I can shoot him in the gut and fire the DeathLaser at the capital city (causing significantly less damage, but I still make my point). Forget Rule 81, I just won't ever put myself in such a situation in the first place. If I ever have to fight on a moving platform that zooms under low hanging beams, I'll kill my opponent, and then kill the jackass who left a moving plaform in an area with low hanging beams. o On second thought, I will not forget it. I will kill any incompetent jackass that puts moving platforms near low-hanging beams. However, I will also keep in mind that, in the event of property damage due to explosions, damage, or the like, things that were formerly safely out of the way may now be in the way. In that event, "If he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat" is preferable to being hit from behind by a rapidly approaching beam. The giant cannon sticking out of the top of my lair will actually just be a large spotlight. The real weapon will be disguised as a tourist trap in the middle of Oklahoma or North Dakota. If I launch a nuke that can be stopped while in flight I will have another attack launched stealthily while the dumbasses are trying to disarm the nukes (like I'd actually waste my time nuking Hobokin, NJ). o I will not launch my fake nuke at New Jersey. That wouldn't fool anyone. If the heroes have already send my plan irrevocably down the toilet, I will not attack them, and if they tell me 'it's over', I'll just surrender. Vilains sometimes have successes, but the survival chance when trying to kill the heroes as revenge for foiling your plot are abysmal. o I will not be in a situation where surrender is my only option. If the feudal Japanese(-esque) village I dominate is visited by a mysterious swordsman who trounches some of my minions during their routine-terrorising, I'll go to full alert. I will not try to kill, hire, negotiate or even talk with him. I'll take my best men outside of town for a bit to see if he leaves. If he goes to help the villagers, I'll cut my losses and leave in the direction he came from. Wandering heroes like that seldom backtrack, and I'll likely find a village who's previous tyrannical rulers have been disposed off by said hero, which is now ripe for the picking. If I, or any of my minions, are infiltrating the hero's team, the first order of buisness is to ask him about all those innocent facts about him that I already know. The 6 words any spy dreads to hear is "I never told you my name". If killing an entire family is neccesary for my evil plan, I'll order my minions to toss a hand grenade under whichever bed would offer the best view of the place where the

parents were killed. That's were the last son or daughter who will come after me sooner or later is hiding. My time-bombs will not include a bright timer, a blinking light, or a beeping sound that would allow anyone to easily find them. My remote-controled bombs will detonate immediately on triggering, not after 5 seconds of blinking light/beeping sound. If the bomb is next to the hero, he might escape, while if it's close to a villain, he'll just stare in horror. o If I make use of a time-bomb at all, all of its wires will be red. Cutting any of them will cause it to detonate. As well, it will be set to detonate when the timer reads one hour and twelve minutes left, as no hero has ever disarmed a bomb with over an hour on the timer. My ventilation shafts will be man-sized - and a deathtrap. o They will be equipped with sensors and guillotines. FIRST the guilloutines right and left to the triggered sensor will come down, and THEN the guilloutine above the sensor. The smaller ventilation shafts will also be equipped with guillotines. Animal sidekicks are a plague these days. o Alternatively, the ventilation shafts will be mainly used to distribute mind control gas. o As an alternative to sensor-triggered guillotines, the insides of the shafts will have two-inch-long blades extending from all sides and packed together closely enough that anyone attempting to use the shafts will be unable to do so without slicing themselves up and ultimately dying from blood loss. o Or I'll just make the shafts too small to crawl through; chances are that no matter how good the booby traps are, the hero will survive. I will emulate a hero while doing my evil deeds. Roving parties of adventurers always seem to work for them, so why not give it a shot? I will choose a language in which my Legions of Doom are to give and follow orders preferably a language my enemies do not speak. Any orders given to them in a different language than the aforementioned are to be ignored, no matter how believable the source's accent is. o If I so choose to make this language a dead, extinct one that no one speaks anymore, I will also take measures to insure my Legions of Doom know who to listen to. Chances are, the hero has someone in his party who can speak the language, regardless. While an Evil Overlord should have every right to spend his nation's resources on personal comfort, I will make sure before doing so that there is nothing else that desperately needs said resources. I'm probably comfortable enough as it is, and I do not want my authentic Repin to be the reason why I have ill-trained soldiers with too few weapons. The people of any land I conquer are now my people and should be treated accordingly. Letting my Legions of Doom rape, loot, and pillage to their hearts' content is just asking for partisan problems down the road and will give the hero plenty of allies within my own borders when he visits the area. If I suspect one of my most brilliant generals is plotting against me, I will make sure I have actual proof from sources less biased than I am before attempting to get rid of him.

On that note, if he is currently commanding troops in what is shaping up to be a very important battle, I will wait until that battle is over before initiating any sort of investigation that would require his absence from the battle. Besides, if he gets killed in that battle, it doesn't matter either way, since I'll be able to use his earlier loyalty for propaganda. If I suspect his plot involves throwing said battle, I will make sure he knows that failure, no matter how directly and immediately it leads to the end of my rule, will result in his death. Any prisoners that the hero is attempting to rescue will be killed. If the hero's willing to go on a veritable suicide mission to get them out, they're clearly more useful to the hero alive than they are to me alive. The only exceptions are if they have valuable information that I can't obtain by other means, in which case they will be relocated to another detention facility. o To be very specific, they will be transported there through a subterranean tunnel that can only be accessed from deep within the facility. By the time the hero has fought his way to said tunnel, the prisoner will already be safely under lock and key in the other facility. The instant the prisoner is away from the facility the hero has entered, the tunnel will be sealed off. The tunnel will remain sealed until the hero is no longer in the facility, the facility is fully repaired, and any guards the hero killed or otherwise made unfit for duty have been replaced and properly trained to handle their new posts. Unless I couldn't care less about what becomes of my empire after I die, I will not attempt to divide it among my heirs. o Ideally, I will not have more than one heir (or take the advice of the original list and not have any). If I am killed, anyone in my will who was involved in my death shall receive nothing but a much shorter life, even if my will entitled them to more. I will have a full understanding of what completely idiotic excuses for tactics tend to work when the hero employs them. I will develop appropriate countermeasures that are so obviously effective that any imbecile in front of the screen can tell that the hero's tactics suck in comparison to mine. I will ascend to power by defeating ANOTHER evil overlord. Nothing says "PR" like becoming an Evil Overlord as a hero. o I will, however, make sure that the evil overlord I defeated is more evil than I am. Marrying for political power, wealth, or physical attraction (or any combination of the three) makes my consort a possible threat to my rule. As such, it is better for us to get married simply because we truly love each other. First of all, love is power, and it also makes it more likely that, no matter what other people think of her, I will think of my consort as being very beautiful. Besides, no one said bad guys couldn't experience "good" feelings like love. o If we do marry for love, however, I will remain loyal to my consort, as cheating on her when she truly loves me will make her a possible threat to my rule. o I will also keep an eye on how much interest she has in my power. If she starts to love my position of power more than she loves me, she may become a threat to my rule.
o

If I am holding someone hostage, I will kill them the instant the hero refuses my demands rather than give the hero time to rescue them. o On that note, any prisoners too valuable alive to use as hostages will never be held hostage in the first place; when an Evil Overlord bluffs, the hero will usually call it. If one or all of the heroes are Shrouded in Myth, I will take all rumors as fact, just to be safe. For example, if I hear they can bend steel with their bare hands, if they are captured I will take measures to ensure that their restraints are stronger than steel. If I capture a hero who's known to have Eye Beams, I will not have him or her facing the cell door and I will not stand directly in front of them. Rather, I will place a clamp on their head to prevent them from turning and frying me, and so they are facing another hero. I will never send one of my female minions into the hero's group to seduce the hero, keep an eye on his movements, trick him into doing my dirty work, etc., because she will almost certainly fall in love with the hero, even if he already has a love interest, and turn on me at the worst possible moment. Even if she is my own lover, even if she is the most loyal minion in my ranks (heck, possibly even if she prefers women), she will still almost certainly side with the hero. o Ugly women tend to be less likely to fall in love with him, so if absolutely necessary, I will send the ugliest woman in my ranks into the hero's group, though if I can avoid this situation in the first place, I will, because she may turn out to be beautiful with the help of a little makeup, a wardrobe change, and a new hairdo, in which case all bets are off. A 0.0000000000000001% chance of my superweapon backfiring and killing me is unacceptable. Anything more than a 0% chance of the weapon backfiring is a 100% chance. o I will have contingencies, because even a 0% chance of failure can result in failure. I'm talking to you, HAL. o If I cannot reduce the chance to zeroafter all, I might be working with unknown energiesI will ask my engineers to express the probability in a non-traditional notation. This will never be converted to percentage. Million to One Chance only works if the chances are comprehensible. I will keep in mind that it will apply anyway. In the event that I need to seal the hero and his friends inside one of my fortress's side rooms for a while, there will be an electric device in my minion's uniforms that, when placed in contact with the wiring on the inside of a door's control panel, reverse which side will determine whether the door will either open or seal when the panel is shot. The outside panel will be shot, sealing it on this side, then the device will be applied to the exposed wiring so that when the hero attempts to shoot his way out, he will seal the door on his side. o I will be sure to inform my minons during my teaching them this procedure, that it will not work if they're trying to seal them in a room that would be considered "outside" their current one. No, no, no, that's far too confusing. Panels on both sides of the doors will contain the ability to both seal and open the door, and operation will be

restricted to my own forces by passwords or DNA scans or something. Shooting the panels will simply make them unusable. I will not use my Kill Sat or any other superweapon to kill the hero, because he CAN and probably WILL survive it. In addition, it might instead kill his love interest or a sidekick who happens to be with him, making his quest to defeat me personal, and thus making the hero even stronger. His forces, on the other hand, are usually vulnerable and are therefore acceptable targets for a superweapon strikenot to mention most of them won't be present when and if the hero is confronting me directly, so it frees up more of my own troops (who can usually be expected to have weapons that CAN kill him) to fight the hero himself. If the hero is a parent, I will do everything I can to appear awesome to his child. Are you REALLY going to kill your son's idol, Mr. Hero? Do you REALLY want to run the risk of having to kill your own son somewhere down the road? o Upon discovering where the hero lives, I will shower his family with gifts. Perfectly innocent, ordinary gifts. Junior will get toy solders and train sets, and Mrs. Hero will receive lovely dresses and jewelery. Once the kids are calling me "Uncle Overlord" and Mrs. Hero has become affluent, I will imply that I would like "Daddy" to stop trying to kill me. Scientists who tell me that their project failed will not be punished unless they told me earlier that it was a success. After all, a lot of these projects revolve around things that haven't been tested, so it's inevitable that some of them won't produce the desired results. On the other hand, scientists who tell me that their failed project is a success will be punished once said project's failure is discovered. The degree of the punishment depends on how much the failure has hurt me. If it just cost money to carry out the project but otherwise had no effect on my plans, a reasonable amount of the cost will taken out of their own money. If, however, this project has, say, destroyed one of my cities, thus convincing many of my people to side with the hero, then unless this was the project's first test and there was no way of knowing beforehand that it would fail, that scientist is dead. o He will be sentenced to death in a public trial. In said trial, it will be explained in length why it's his fault and not mine. o Experiments that can destroy citys will be conducted as far away from cities or any mayor import facilities as possible. I will take all people who take up arms against me seriously, no matter how ridiculous their methods are. The instant I have an opportunity to kill my enemy without endangering myself or my plans, I will take advantage of it. I will keep in mind that the laws of reality might not apply to my universe. Even if anyone looking in from the outside thinks whoever created my universe is insane, I will follow the creator's rules. If women in my universe are the worst fighters in existence, then no matter how unfair it may look, I will refrain from giving my female minions any combat-related jobs. Likewise, even if my universe contradicts things everyone knows, I follow the laws of my universe, not the real universe. If I absolutely must ravish every hapless damsel who blunders my into my clutches, I will at least take the precautions of having her properly washed first and using a condom.

If my capital is seized, I will only surrender if the capital was all that was left of my country at that point or if I was seized along with the capital and have no way of escaping alive. Whilst I shall not approve of hostility between my citizens, thus earning me a few brownie points, I shall encourage people to laugh at those idiots with their pants on the outside. Should any of my Mooks run away, I will let them go instead of having my trackers follow and try to kill them. There are always more mooks, and chasing after them runs the risk that they befriended the hero during their wanderings so he'll want to avenge them, or stolen an Artifact of Doom whose curse may transfer onto me if I kill them, or picked up a horrible disease that may spread to their executioners, or any number of things it's probably best not to get involved in. o i also will research the why the did run away - after all many mooks sport common sense. I will not waste resources developing mecha, planet-destroying superlasers, hovering battleships for atmospheric combat, or similar Awesome, but Impractical symbols of power. Mecha require enormous feats of engineering and programming to successfully move, let alone fight effectively. A tank will do just as well; it offers better crew protection, a more stable weapons platform, and conceivably equal maneuverability. Hovering vehicles are useful for airstrikes, it is true, but are likewise difficult to design to prevent crashing, and are amazingly vulnerable to the destruction or damaging of even a single propulsion unit. Superlasers and similar doomsday weapons would A) remove the world I was intending to conquer and B) invariably either require infeasible power levels or be destroyed while charging. A hypervelocity gun would do just as well, with the added bonuses of easy-to-make ammunition (metal rods), precision (better to remove an offending city than the entire planet) and comparatively low power draw (no more magecrafted one-of-a-kind energy crystals). This will free funding for use on practical projects, such as my personal safety, and it reduces my chances of being destroyed by or along with my no-longer-so-intimidating creation. o I will make sure said tank is cooler than any of the aforementioned weapons in order to ensure that the hero's mecha, hovering warships, etc., don't defeat me by invoking the Rule of Cool. o I will make a mecha for show, one that is easily merchandisable. And I won't disdain Fan Works about it either. No making copyright claims about YouTube videos, and no DRM on any video games made about it. I'm an evil overlord, not the RIAA. Any autodestruct sequence in any of my bastions will, resources permitting, destroy the entire facility at the same time. Failing that, it will be destroyed from the outside in, preventing any intruder from running out ahead of the blast. If the technology or magic exists, Mooks will be teleported elsewhere immediately, bolstering my popularity and preventing any need for retraining when I establish a replacement for that base. o On that note, any base I lose will be reconstructed elsewhere along with any crucial data or artifacts they contained. If there was data, it will be heavily encrypted and transferred before the local memory is purged (preferably with high explosives). Artifacts will always be on my person or otherwise ready for instant evacuation. Imagine any hero's frustration at being forced to relive that one level

time and again without ever acquiring what he was after. Of course, each recreation will feature better and more lethal security arrangements. If the hero is allegedly dead, I'll kill him immediately after this is announced just to make sure. o His body will be kept under intense surveillance and constant exposure to whatever can disable any special powers he possesses. The cell he is kept in will have poisonous gas constantly pumped through it. To add to that, the walls, ceiling, and floor will have an electric current flowing through them that is so intense it could kill ten of him. Also, the cell will be submerged in a gigantic tank of the most corrosive substance I can get a large enough quantity of. finally, the tank will be at the end of a linear base defended by a special force trained specifically to make sure the hero stays dead and his allies never get to him. The base will be as well-hidden as possible. I will not use torture to extract information from captured enemies. When the Anti-Hero does it, he usually gets the information he's looking for. When I do it to the hero or one of his allies, I will probably get nothing or lies out of them, not to mention the act costs me sympathy. Any special powers I possess will only be used if I need to use them and never mentioned to anyone. While having telekinetic powers may be useful, I'd rather have the hero find out I have them at a time when it is inconvenient (preferably lethal) for him. It's also a useful last line of defense against traitors who have planned for everything else. Each and every bit of information I or any of my underlings have will be encrypted in the best and practical encryption available. Likewise is done for any form of communication. Any software I have must be able to deliver Checksums or other proofs of authenticity at any time - especialy AIs and robots. o I will hire and pay royally every hacker I can get. Said hackers will be used to make my systems more secure and to find any holes in software and hardware I or my scientists come up with. If I am a magican in a modern Muggle world, I will remember to get all sorts of Muggle weapons and technology that could help me or substitute for my magic. Even if my magic can't kill the hero, a well targeted missile will. All weapons will have biometric safety that disallows attacks aimed near me. This extends to both conventional and any super weapons. Where possible, implosion-based weaponry will be used in place of explosives for anti-vehicular roles. I will force George Lucas to remake the Star Wars prequels, and do them right. That ought to gain me the loyalty of about half the nerds on the planet, if not even more. Then I will look into The Matrix sequels and some disputed recent comic book events (you know which ones) if that isn't enough. If my last name is the name of a mountain range, I'm legally changing it. Something like Vetinari would be good. I will not Hypnotize the Princess for the usual reasons. I can get my own consort other ways, and inducing a Face Heel Turn is too unreliable. Instead, it will be for fun reasons. If nothing else, I can screw with the hero a hell of a lot. I'll command the love interest to flash the hero every time he says his transformation phrase. Even if that doesn't stop the transformation, his look alone would be worth a laugh. And just for shits and giggles,

every time he says his regular Catch Phrase, she will say "I know you are, but what am I?". Perhaps I shouldn't have children who are evil. Good children might turn against me though. So to minimize the risk, I will adopt a girl who is wise, yet sweet, and raise her as a Princess Classic. She won't continue my evil tradition after my death or ascension to godhood, but I'll be dead or a god, so it won't matter to me. Plus having such a sweet little girl around should earn me adoration points just by being a good parent. o I might choose to also raise her as a Badass Princess to defend herself. One advantage to not doing so would be to have her kidnapped occasionally, with a trusted vassal to "rescue" her. That way, she will likely find heroes too mundane to have any interest when the actual one comes along. o If my daughter ends up Daddy's Little Villain instead, I will still show her love. Unless she's outright psycho, she wouldn't want to kill her beloved parent. And she will get some land to rule when she comes of age, so that she can get some practice for ruling my whole empire later on. Plus I will raise her to at least look good for the populace. No dressing in more revealing clothes than what is in fashion. If traditional Pimped Out Dresses are the norm (even pink), that is what she will wear (and I can show her how many of her favorite weapons she can hide in the frills). o Whether she is evil or good, if the prophesied hero has children, I will find ways for my daughter to become best friends with them (in addition to the aforementioned showering his family with gifts). If a rebellion actually happens, and succeeds in freeing part of my empire, I will not tighten my grip on what remains, especially not try to keep my subjects simple and uneducated. That will just invite greater rebellion later on. Instead, I will subtly work to resolve an grievance some parts of my remaining lands have, (but no local leaders will let it slip that this is my idea, if they know what's good for them). Furthermore, if the new government of the newly independent land collapses, I will not try to reconquer it. I will instead offer aid with no strings attached. I will make no move to retake it unless the people directly ask me to, and even then I'll just declare it a protectorate. If my empire starts to seem more like a commonwealth, it will be even harder for the hero to stir up a rebellion. Part 7 When drafting a duty schedule for my minions, I shall arrange their shifts so they'll get plenty of rest. In particular, I want my security forces to be fresh and alert should the hero or any other troublemakers show up at the gates. I will have the hero killed in such a way that a body will be left behind as proof that he's dead. As such, vaporizing him, incinerating him, breaking him apart into individual molecules, etc., are not acceptable ways to kill the hero unless something that can be definitively identified as the dead hero can be left behindkill or be killed situations notwithstanding, of course. o Once he's dead, I will have the body dissolved in acid. I will then consider the POSSIBILITY that he might really be dead. I will make sure I have a full understanding of how my universe operates. For example, if a fall from any height can be rendered non-lethal by certain illogical circumstances, I will

take advantage of that. I will keep the potential for inconsistencies (i. e. the hero survives a 10,000-foot fall into the sea and everyone else is as good as dead) in mind, though, and avoid the risk if I have any reason to believe my situation is an exception to my universe's illogical rules. I will appoint someone to be the guy that plays the leader of my empire while I take on the role of the mayor of a far away town that sits on the very edge of the empire. If the hero ever shows up, I'll be as nice as possible to him, but say there's little I can actually do against the evil empire. Should my decoy be defeated, I WON'T make a sudden appearance as the REAL leader. I'll just redo the plan while staying undercover (why should I break cover when the hero has probably put me at the bottom of the "Potential Leaders of the Evil Empire" list, below their own family members and an NPC who tells them about a local legend?). As supreme ruler of my empire, it is my prerogative to make whatever laws I deem fit. Nevertheless, I will refrain from making laws that are entirely arbitrary, nonsensical, and/or impossible to enforce without diverting manpower, funding, and other resources away from areas of far more pressing concern. By nature of being the bad guy, there is a good chance my Evil Plan will fail no matter how well I prepare. This being the case, I will make sure I will always have an opportunity to switch to an honest life just in case I ever decide that being evil isn't worth the trouble. If I am, in my rise to power, engaging in some illegal activity, all present will be instructed to not use names. There's no point to it. If those I am working with find it absolutely impossible to work without some way to refer to each individual, I will randomly assign them names from a list of words that I create. There is no point in being Thundara, Lord of the Dance, when Dance is so much easier in practice. And though they will, of course, run drills while using these names, all drills will be done in full disguise. My palace guards will have regularly scheduled times when they must report in to the main security office via radio or intercom, even if it's just to report "situation normal". If any guard fails to check in at any of his appointed times, whoever's on duty in the security office is to initiate a full-scale alert on the assumption that said guard was killed or incapacitated by an intruder, and that there's now a security breach in progress. If it's found thereafter that the guard in question failed to check in because he abandoned his post or was preoccupied with anything he's not supposed to be doing while on watch, he's in deep shit. o All guard patrols will always be in sight of AT LEAST one other guard patrol. Instead of positioning two guys at the main gate and that's it. Additionally, all guards will operate in groups of at least six, since one or two can be taken quietly before raising the alarm by even the most callow and inexperienced of heroes. o it goes without saying that the guy in the security office must answer back a password only known to my guards Any items that the hero needs to obtain will not be in the possession of my most annoying-to-defeat elites, but in the possession of my impossible-to-defeat privates. o Why are my elites weaker than my mooks, exactly? I will promote the mooks in this situation. I think he's.. I'm talking about the fact that sometimes some mooks in video games are indestructable. If I have any of those, it's a good plan.

Actually, I will use whatever makes them indestructable (science, magic, etc) and apply it to myself and all my annoying elites making them even more annoying, and just give the elites the items anyway. He can't get the items, the elites should kill him easily, if he somehow survives then he will be unable to hurt me, and if he still does then I'm better of making an honest living. If I attempt to shut down a machine that's "malfunctioning" and my scientific adviser warns me that it has become sentient, I'll listen and respond accordingly. If it is indeed sentient, I'll treat it as a person who can be negotiated or emotionally manipulated with. Even if the hero currently lacks a power, I will factor into my battle plans the possibility that he might suddenly obtain it and turn the tide of the fight. Heroes have an annoying tendency to do that when all seems lost. I will have the cost of all new weapons projects analyzed before even a prototype is built. This way, if the planned weapon is determined to be too expensive to mass-produce, the hero won't have a prototype to steal. Also, if the weapon is too expensive, even the schematics presented to me will be destroyedI will personally oversee their destruction; leaving the task to someone else almost guarantees that they'll put it off and inadvertently allow the hero to steal the plans and reverse-engineer the weapon. My agents, operatives, and minions will only be permitted to utilize paper-thin disguises in specific circumstances. These include training observers for the level of sophistication expected from garden-variety heroes, operations where the agent is meant to be identified, and entertainment. Anyone caught issuing, being issued, wearing, or developing a Paper-Thin Disguise without the above excuses will be fired. Preferably from a howitzer. All agents who are meant to succeed will be issued in-depth covers, be trained with their covers to prevent slips, and even receive plastic surgery or prosthetic alterations if their appearance is too well-known. It is possible that, by nature of being the Evil Overlord, my people will hate me no matter what I do. In that case, I will forget about being a villain with good PR and instead focus on aspects of my plan that are unaffected by how much my people hate me. I will not dispose of incompetent minions by sending them into space without a suit, forcing them to walk overboard, or any similar method. Such things carry a chance of the fool surviving long enough to be picked up by the hero, in which case my ex-minion will invariably divulge important information to the hero and/or side with him and suddenly become competent. The same policy holds true with traitors and anyone else I want to get rid of. Instead, I will just have them shot, beheaded, or disposed of in a similar manner that guarantees they will not end up helping the hero. If I decide to place a tracking device on a prisoner and then let him/her escape (for example, if I'm trying to locate that annoying rebel base that the prisoner won't tell me the location of), the device will be in the form of a nanobot hidden in the prisoner's food. The bot will stay within the prisoner's body. If possible, the nanobot will attach itself to the prisoner's nervous system and transmit a full sensory feed rather than just the nowescaped prisoner's location. In fact, just in case the prisoner accidentally gets the nanobot out through sheer luck, multiple nanobots will be hidden in the prisoner's food. All vehicles, uniforms, weapons, etc., will have tracking devices and recording devices hidden on them. This will allow me to keep an eye on my underlings, just in case

someone's plotting my demise and/or shirking their duties. In addition, it will help me locate anything the hero steals when and if he infiltrates one of my bases and survives. o All vehicles used by my forces shall have devices installed in them that allow me to remotely shut off their engines if they're stolen. Said devices shall be on par or better designed than those used by real world police departments in their bait cars. If the one item capable of destroying me can only be used once, I will not trick the hero into wasting it unless: 1) absolutely nothing (that means NOTHING, not "only some extremely unlikely set of circumstances") can be done to make it usable again, 2) the item's use is a component of my plan, or 3) the thing takes so long to reload, even with the aid of some special incantation, item, or other action, that the hero will be dead and the item's immediate threat to me neutralized (by means of the item's destruction, if possible) before he can use it again. I will know the name of everyone among my personal guards. People I address as "guard" tend not to live that long. The same holds true for anyone else who answers directly to me. Any robots or golems I construct will be programmed with knowledge of all commonly used metaphors and idioms in both my native language and whatever village/country/planet I need to infiltrate. Especially if I live in a universe that runs on Rule of Funny. If my computer is intelligent enough to argue with the hero, I will have a team of computer programmers make sure that it is impervious to any Logic Bombs. In the case that the computer becomes intelligent enough to out-argue me, I will design it so that it will shut down when I press a remote device that I carry with me at all times. I will learn all possible methods that could be used to revive the dead hero (or clone him, or transfer his consciousness into another vessel, etc.) and take the necessary measures to ensure no one pulls off such procedures. I will keep him dead and not even consider reviving him in evil form; he would either try to overthrow me, return to the side of good, or make one of his comrades the unofficial new hero by being slain by said ally in a dramatic and tragic fight. I will not use a Shrink Ray. Those things are so last generation. But if that is what I am stuck with for an ultimate weapon, I will show restraint in its use. Shrinking the hero down to three inches high and holding him or her in my hand may be cathartic, but after the inevitable escape, recapture will be nigh impossible, and there are so many ways of turning being that small into an advantage it isn't even funny. o Rather, I will consider the advantages of shrinking the hero to a height of three feet. This will still take roughly seven-eighths of the fight out of my enemy (thank you, Square/Cube Law), which should be more than enough, barring superpowers. Additionally, If my five-year-old advisor is a boy, he will appreciate having someone slightly smaller than himself to torment, and further, giving my foe a new wardrobe consisting of said advisors outgrown clothing may be even more amusing in the long run. I will never design, build, nor use any contraptionbe it magical, technological, or some mingling of the twothat uses a forsaken child as a power source or key compontent, that sort of thing never ends well. Anyone holding an officer's rank within my Legions of Terror will have been promoted to said rank after an appropriate number of years of competent, loyal service and

demonstrating the requisite aptitude for leadership and tactics. On no accounts will I EVER make someone an officer just because he or she is a member of a priveleged class within my empire, history repeatedly shows that upper class twits make piss-poor commanders. I will only deploy my Imperial Walkers in regions where the terrian and other conditions clearly favor them over more traditional wheeled and tracked vehicles. Also, they will be armed with as many weapons as weight limitations and viable hardpoints will allow, rather than just two cannons foreward on the "head" which can only swivel a maximum of 60 degrees in any direction. Since few things in this universe are more infuriating and inconvenient than the dogooders turning my minions against me through the simplest acts of kindness and/or compassion, I will try to avoid being such a hardass that they would have cause to secretly resent me. I will not take an innocent person hostage and then subsequently murder them in front of the hero solely for the purpose of illustrating what a rotten bastard I am. Doing so would just give the hero one more reason to blow my brains out right there and then. Before my Legions of Terror put any revolutionary new personal weapons technology into wide use on the battlefield, I will take into account the probability of the rebellion or my other enemies acquiring the new weapons by taking them off fallen soldiers or prisoners of war. I will then make contengency plans accordingly, rather than allow myself be caught flat-footed when my enemies turn my own technology against me. All of the kitchen knives and steak knives in my palace's kitchen will be kept in a locked cabinet when not in use. Members of the kitchen staff will be issued keys to said cabinet only if they pass a thorough background screening and their duties logically require them to have access to the knives. The last thing I need is someone pilfering a knife, sneaking into my chambers in the middle of the night, and slash my throat while I slumber. If I am ever tempted to have slowly closing doors the come down from the ceiling, I will make sure that there are many chambers of said doors that close from the outside in, so that the hero will be trapped inside. Also, these doors will suddenly drop the last few inches to discourage the hero from trying anything cute Explosives will be stored in a locked and well reinforced "hot room" when not in use. This room will also have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand for emergencies and a clearly-posted NO SMOKING sign, just so there is offically no excuse for being that brainless. I will not use any sort of slave as a bodyguard. The same goes for anyone of a people I am keeping in permanent debt. If the hero has a Snarky Non-Human Sidekick, I will deal with him/her/it with that much more caution since such creatures all too often outshine their human companions both in Genre Savvy and sheer ruthlessness. I will have my scientists develop a binary compound that can be combined to form a reasonably safe and effective tranquilliser. The precursor compounds of which remain inert, undetectable and stay in the human body for a few weeks, unless the other compound is introduced at the same time, in which case the human in question is knocked out. My mooks will be routinely issued one compound and the local peasantry (and any foreigners I capture as prisoners) the other. This will allow me to;

1. Have my legions use the first compound to subdue peasants (assuming I can deliver a fixed dose of the second compound I've already decided on the dosage, my mooks need only concentrate on dosing them with enough of it). 2. If anyone in the later group attempts to seduce one of my mooks, then they will both be knocked out when the compounds mix. Allowing me to have the seducer arrested and the mook appropriately punished (see also; any vows related to proper guard procedures. Having all my mooks knocked out by a swarm of seductresses so that the hero can just stroll in would make me a laughing stock). 3. Inconvenience the heroes by ensuring that any defectors will be out of action until the first compound is purged from their system, due to the means of dispensing the second constantly knocking them out. Infiltrators will not be doped, but will be trained to pretend they're knocked out and issued some means of telling if they're being exposed to either compound to aid their cover. o I will also ensure it's tested on non-humans. Nothing would get a hero out for my blood faster than accidentally having him poison his beloved pet when it licks his face. o I will avoid dosing the peasants through their food, water or anything else they could stockpile if they realised what was going on. Issuing everyone something that can knock out my mooks is a bad idea. o I will dose myself with nothing but the antidote. This antidote will be stored in single use aerosol cans which must be opened correctly (ideally by means only I could accomplish) or become useless, allowing me to also safely carry a few to revive loyal mooks who are knocked out despite the above precautions. Assuming I use them in the first place, any unconventional vehicles I deploy, such as hovercraft and mechanized walkers, will also have treads/wheels for use in case their primary mode of transportation fails. Should I happen to be an Overlord in a mystical setting, I will never, ever eliminate dragons from the world no matter what they have done to me - there will only end up being a few super-powerful survivors who fight with the hero and gain him huge amounts of PR for having a cool flying death-lizard friend. Instead, I will make dragons a protected species, treat them with courtesy and respect and additionally hire a few as Legions of Terror in keeping with my status as an equal-opportunities employer. In return, I will ask them to ensure that no hero gets his hands on a pet dragon and introduce some of them to my peasants so they are not so amazed should the hero try to use his status as dragon-rider or similar to rally the people. o Nevertheless, my fortress will have the appropriate defenses in place just incase some rogue dragon(s) and/or dragon-rider(s) attack me for some reason. No matter how small it is, no Rebel Alliance is insignificant enough to ignore. Should any arise, I will bring my full might to bear on them as soon as possible and present them to the people as a bunch of murderous, genocidal anarchists out for money. I will carefully read and reread any legally (or mystically) binding contract before I even think about signing it, especially the fine print. I will summon my lawyers and have them look it over as well, especially if there's anything in the contract that seems a bit fishy to me. All this goes double if it's a pact with a diobolical spirit or deity. I will not enter into any macho pissing contests with other Evil Overlords, especially ones that will end up with me revealing my secret back up plans in order to 'win'.

All boxes, crates, barrels, etc. that the hero or one of his allies could conceivably hide in will always be kept in specially designated areas and will have labels indicating which area they are to be stored in. If any such container is sighted somewhere other than where it is supposed to be, even if said container is not moving, all exits from that area are to be sealed from the outside, and the container in question is to be inspected by two guards one to open the container (if less direct methods of inspection are unavailable or insufficient) and a second to report an intruder if the first guard is killed by the intruder the instant he/she opens the container. If the container is found to contain no intruder, it is to be returned to its designated storage location. Part 8 Before starting any conquest, plot to claim the world, or the like, I will evaluate the world I am in, considering the setting, genre, and overall environment, both in-universe and out. I will then begin writing my own list of rules dictating what I should or shouldn't do. This list will be divided into sections on every conceivable topic, to be added to as I find, learn, or make up more rules. Then I will go through this list and find anything that applies to me that I don't already have and add it. As soon as I get any advisers, I will assign them to the task of making their own personal lists and adding onto mine (with all additions to be approved by me, of course) Above all, I will remember that the rules in these lists- both the in-universe ones and the online ones- will not apply in every situation, open to modification (after lengthy consideration), and, above all, are guidelines. If I am facing down a Heroic Priest or Monk I will never, ever, pause just before killing him and tempt fate with such words as "Let your God smite me if you cannot," or "Where is your God now, hero?" In the best case scenario this will only serve to infuriate religious peasants and start an uprising. In the case of Acceptable Religious Targets I may make an exception. o Likewise, that's just Tempting Fate.If there's any point where said deity will intervene, it's right after I said it. If the Hero mowing down my Legions of Terror wouldn't last five minutes against my own unholy might, I will invest those five minutes. I will not use slave labor for any task better suited to machinery. If I have a monster too tough for the Hero's weaponry to hurt, I will never put it in a room with weapons, devices or explosives which CAN hurt it. An unfamiliar weapon is difficult to fight against. Therefore, my own weapon will be rare and ill-knownor better yet, my own invention in the first place. I will not use a ritual to grant great power to a few select Doom Troops when I can use the same ritual to grant great power to ALL my Doom Troops. I will have traps on any surface the Heroes can reach and step onincluding the walls and ceiling, depending on their powers. I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the hero has just wasted valuable time stopping them. o I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the hero never says "This is too easy."

Whenever I take over another nation or country, I won't force them to give up their beliefs and follow mine; In stead, I'll simply introduce my customs and they will catch on soon enough. I will keep all my underlings well paid and give them good working conditions to avoid disgruntled workers being led by the hero into a rebellion. This will include a dental plan. I shall immediately inquire into the all possibilities concerning Breaking the Fourth Wall, and delivering a Hannibal Lecture to the author. Creator Breakdown is almost always more detrimental to the heroes than me. o Amendment: I shall make as many well timed (not in the heat of battle) Hannibal Lectures in the hopes that I get at least a few to my writers. And possibly that I can convert some of my enemies. Or at least make sure my own troops know why we are fighting. I shall always attack the heroes with one or two of my best men. That, or screw Mook Chivalry and mob him. I will remember that any enemy soldiers that are not the hero or in the hero's company are incapable of reliably capturing me, killing me, or otherwise doing anything that could jeopardize my health or my ability to be an Evil Overlord. Therefore, I will face an entire army of tanks, snipers, choppers, and planes instead of facing The Hero if I am given the alternatives. I will read Machiavelli's The Prince, before taking over anything, country, world, or otherwise. I will remember that Machiavelli never took over the world, nor built an empire that would last forever. Therefore, I will need to make some improvements to his ideas. I will also consider the possibility that Machiavelli's The Prince is satire. I will know that the best defence is the status quo so i will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it. If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault. I will not name my feline companion animal something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like Hawkfrost. Better yet, I'll have a trained bear. Or perhaps I will use swans instead. The Hero and most other people seem to believe swans are graceful and innocent, so they'll be quite shocked when the swans reveal their true nature and attack them anyway. Furthermore, If I should lose my companion animal, I will immediately plan and implement revenge, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES sob, shout "'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" or otherwise enter a state of dramatic denial that could distract me from current developments. Being evil means I can have no strong emotional attachment to anyone, animals included. On my secret computer, there will be a link to tvtropes that says "My EvilPlans". That way, if the heroes find it, it will distract them while I load my pistol. There is a possibility he (or she) will stumble across the Evil Overlord List (heroes are always very lucky) so instead we'll hyperlink it to 4chan. Alternatively, I would make the index page of the folder accessible, but all the links branch out over Shock Sites, the Encyclopedia Dramatica, and gurochan. A handy memory wiper will be provided after they finished trying all the links, for the hero to bleach their brain of the horrors within, as well as all

those other troublesome memories about trying to stop me. Did I mention that the wiper will not work on myself or my most trusted? o Nah. Even my most trusted can still be turned. Just me. I will NOT be a Blood Knight. It makes no sense to drag out fights against the hero just so I can enjoy the fight. That's what gets foolish overlords killed. o I will not hire a Blood Knight. Soon as he finds out that I might be a greater fight than the hero, he will inevitably pull a Heel Face Turn just so he can fight the better warrior. o If The Hero is a Blood Knight or allied with one I will not attempt to combat them through sheer power. o If I wanted to enjoy a fight, I will use a VR simulator with sufficient safety precautions taken. If there's one thing I learned from "The Tortoise and the Hare", it's that you can either compete or you can fuck around. Not both. If I am holding the hero's girlfriend hostage in exchange for a powerful artifact and the hero ACTUALLY follows through with things, I won't be stupid and kill her and him both just because I feel like it. Instead, I will hand back the hero's girlfriend and escort them out with a large number of soldiers all armed with machine guns who can actually hit the heroes if they try to resist. They will also be trained never to fire if an ally is standing on the other side of the hero. Additional: Make it clear that any ally who stands by the heroes when they go through the machine-gun corridor gets what's coming to them. My evil minions will be trained to never say the phrase "It's Probably Nothing" with any serious meaning. In fact, I will make it (and any similar sayings) into code-words for "The hero is here; sound the alarm and bring in reinforcements." Likewise, the "Coast Clear" signal will be replaced with "Aha! I found you!" My Legion of Terror will use weapons that can go through their own body armor to make sure the hero can't use them as human shields. This will also make killing him easier if the hero puts on the uniform of one of my minions in an attempt to blend in. I will make it possible to alter this so that The Hero cannot "switch frequencies" and make my minions defenseless. o Screw that, heroes always steal weapons from defeated Mooks. Instead, I will install a remotely-activated stun weapon on each suit's skin, so if the hero tries to pick up one of my minions, he will be electrocuted. Said weapon will also be available on the inside of the suits, in case the hero puts one on. If at all possible, I will ensure that these stun weapons are vital to the suit's function, and that the hero cannot activate them himself without getting himself electrocuted. I will hire a live band to play my theme song during my moment of glory. A CD, cassette tape, the player and/or the speakers may malfunction while I am gloating, and that just ruins the mood. However, said band will be required to be well-known enough that any mook could tell if the heroes have knocked one of them out to take their uniform. Support of local talent is fine, but it's better to immediately know if Bono or The Edge don't look like they're supposed to. o I will also ensure that every member of the band is a corporate sell-out with no history of activism. Such people are dangerous, and there's nothing more humiliating when I have The Hero in my clutches and the world at my mercy than to be clotheslined by an idealistic guitar player.

I will check the background of their stage crew and manager, too. Such people are known to be greedy and amoral, but you can never be too careful. o I will also assure that my henchmen are not die-hard fans of that band. You give a minion a piece of the merchandise and they will fawn all over it. o If the above would be too expensive to manage, I will say "Screw it" and toss instruments at some mooks with musical talent. Better yet, toss them instruments with some function in case the hero suddenly shows up. I will watch/read movies, television shows, anime and books with bigtime badasses. I will take note of their mistakes and try to avoid them. o Which is what this list is all about. If I do actually choose to learn things this way rather than just by picking up the latest Overlord Monthly, then I will do it in order to carefully note every difference between reality and fiction and incorporate them into my evil plan. Assuming that the hero has read these books too, I can then easily trick him into thinking that he is onto my every move. Of course, what he'll be doing will play directly into my hands instead. If the hero utters any cliche catchphrase, I will shoot him immediately. Chances are, he will end up succeeding in his goal just like everyone else who had uttered the same catchphrase. Even if he wasn't about to succeed, the cliche alone justifies his death. Note to self: schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist. Upon reading back over my list, some parts of it directly contradict each other, and in fact read as though two or more distinct personalities were having an argument. o Never mind. We're,I mean I'm fine. o Mostly. o I will still, however, see a psychiatrist, or at the very least a memory expert. I seem to be making the same points twice on these lists. o If I DO have split personalities, I shall go back and check all items in which I reassure myself of trusting only me, and make a point of doubting myself until I am sure of the my other personalities' agendas, however I must not reveal this to others, or seem unsure at any moment, lest my enemies take advantage of this. If I'm ever head of a conspiracy, and there is an Agent Mulder type catching on, I will not assign an Agent Scully to keep him in check. This rarely ends well, because the Agent Mulder can actually hold onto proof and the Agent Scully will make them sound less insane to others. If I feel the need to assign an Agent Scully, I will keep them under the same no-abduction (alien or otherwise) policy as the Agent Mulder. Otherwise, they'll manage to get captured by my men in black or aliens or something, so the Agent Mulder doesn't sound insane to them because of it. I will not drink. It impairs judgment. Or do drugs. It's only useful to pretend to be high. Anything else gives the hero an opportunity to shoot me. If there is a poison in development that is supposed to be untraceable, it will go under extensive field testing. It will not be issued to every single person in my organization until then. If someone uses the above poison beforehand, they will be censured immediately, unless they can give me proof that the guy is dead (corpse, autopsy, etc.)
o

I will not make my organization a serve-or-die type. If that happens, people get resentful and help The Hero. If they wish to leave, they may, if they don't say a word about it. However, it will be made clear that should they violate the non-disclosure agreement, their lives are forfeit. o Exception: people who would be incredibly useful to the hero. o Likewise I will not send them on impossible missions. Nor will I become incensed and kill them if they fail, if such a mission is ever necessary. o Additionally, if minions fail or decide to leave (and submit their resignation rather than just running), they will be debriefed first. Even if they are to be shot later, I might as well get some final use out of them. I will not have any friends that I actually value. That way, I won't go batshit insane if my so-called "friends" turn on me and do stuff like get rid of all my henchmen in my paranoia. Alternatively, I will have them and I will not treat them like shit. I will treat them the same way the hero treats his True Companions. This will have the added advantage of making them into Morality Pets (false ones if necessary), so that there is a possibility I will become an Ensemble Darkhorse and gain Contractual Immortality. Also, if I have to kill their ex-boyfriends, I will first ensure said friends consider themselves scorned. That way, they'll help me. My mooks will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use The Power of Friendship against a more heroic group of True Companions. No matter how much it helps the atmosphere, my harem will not have a bunch of cushions everywhere, candlelight for its only light source and curtains for doors. It will be set up like a hotel, with real doors that lock, and security outside. Curtains, candles, and cushions are for inside. o The room labeled "Harem" will be filled with Hot Amazons loyal to me. When the hero tries to free them in exchange for information about my weaknesses, they will misinform him and offer to lead him to my bed chamber. They will then lead him straight to the dungeon, lock the door, and attack him. The actual harem will be somewhere else. o All the girls in the harem will be kept in separate rooms so that they cannot conspire against me. The rooms will be well furnished and have basic cable, so that they will be content. o I may consider putting all the girls in the harem in one large room with a lot of soft surfaces and no TV. Bored harem girls could well be a good thing. I will keep the room under surveillance, of course. If they to conspire against me, I'll know. If they get bored... hey, bonus. o Or, maybe I'll treat the girls in my harem with proper respect. So that they have no reason to conspire against me. Also, for my own safety and sanity, I will remember what days they typically have their periods on, so that I can be on the other side of the planet while they are bitchy and hormonal. In addition, it may pay off well to shower them with gifts every once in a while. Equally, of course, as I don't want to seem like I'm playing favorites. I must also remember that no female can possibly resist chocolate. o I will never make any comments that include the term PMS near a woman, or imply that there is a time when it is best to stay away from her, or that her current mood (any mood) might be due to this. I will not patronize her in any way, even if

it is my suspicion. Such things makes them angry. They will remember that conversation. They will not let me live it down. If I slip, she should be discreetly removed from the harem before she has time to report this information. o I will always use protection, and all the harem members will be on the pill. The last thing I need is bastard offspring trying to kill me and take my place. Or syphilis. That's no fun, either. o Better yet - I just won't have a harem at all. Anything that requires this much effort to keep safe just isn't worth it. If I need women that badly, I will just buy Pay-Per-View, or if such technology does not exist, a "Gold Pass" to the local Brothel (Preferably one on the payroll, or at least one who keeps track of who's working for them). They won't want one of their prime customers dead, and I will enter and leave while disguised. o If I need to have a harem, for whatever reason, I will hire a mix of those aforementioned hot amazons (doubling as bodyguards) and regular prostitutes. They still would be required to occasionally have (protected) sex with me, but they will be allowed to come and go as they please, sleep otherwise with whoever they like (in secret), get lavished with gifts, and most importantly, their families will be well taken care of. Helping their sickly little sisters become healthy will be the real loyalty winners. The baubles will just be bonuses. If I ever decide to have dinner with the hero, I will not attempt to poison him. There are far too many things that could go wrong. Instead, I will hide several syringes full of poison in his chair. A blade will also pop out of his end of the table and impale him. Then, a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. If he decides to use his last action to shoot me (if he somehow managed to sneak a gun through 5 different searches), he will still fail because I will not actually be there; it will be a hologram, robotic double, or other kind of fake. I will make sure to have two dining halls, and only rig one like this. Having something like this happen to my trusted lieutenant just because I'm paranoid and he forgot which seat it was isn't just a setback, it's bloody embarrassing. My jail / prison / dungeon / gulag will be as far away from my primary base as physically possible. The base will have cells for temporary confinement, but all prisoners will be transferred to the main dungeon as quickly as possible. Their equipment will be sent to a different facility, preferably at least 20 miles or more from the prison. All of my maids will be hot Ninja Maids. They will be treated well and given plenty of downtime, but will act as if they were enslaved. That way, when the hero inevitably tries to free them from my 'oppression', they will kill him before he knows what happened. Additionally, if they desire companionship beyond me, I shall encourage them to form a happy relationship with Bishounen Battle Butlers who are in a similar position. This way, I can also counter any potential female heroes and Action Girls. o As an added bonus, if Evil Overlording proves not to be my style, this will allow me to seamlessly reinvent myself as a harem anime protagonist. My default battlefield policy will always be "take no prisoners". This especially applies to the heroes. The only cases where I will even consider capturing the hero will be: o 1. I need him to activate the MacGuffin. o 2. He is the only person who knows some information that is essential to my plan.

I will keep in mind that if my plan is dependent on knowledge that only the hero has, I have screwed up somewhere along the line. I will NOT however, mention that this is the policy, nor will it be implied. I will find someone disposable to say this, as mentioning the words "Take no prisoners" is assured death. If, for some reason, I do need to take The Hero alive, I will ensure that he does not pose a threat to me by amputating all his limbs and keeping him in a box. o Unless I, for some reason, need the hero to keep his limbs. Then I will fill the box with sharp objects and turn off the lights. Guards who can see in infrared or ultraviolet will be used to guard him, and will be equipped with the appropriate flashlights. These guards will also have buttons allowing them to turn on the lights if necessary. The lights will emit only in the visible spectrum and will be very bright. I never said those guards had to see in the visible spectrum. I will foster happiness in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic Combined Energy Attack with one of my own. I will foster communal wealth. Flat screens in the unguarded public park. All channels will include lessons on how to kill the Hero, his army, and any traitors. I will keep in mind that this could allow The Hero to prepare for such things. o On second thought: I will have the park patrolled for the protection of my people. I don't want lawlessness due to my negligence at failing to protect a child or woman. The police officers will be supported with full backup, lighting and they will be patrolling circuits of five minutes long, and once every minute. I will not rape anyone, ever. Doing so is a one-way ticket to a Karmic Death, and those are never pleasant. Besides, if I want to be a competent overlord, I have to be able to control my desires. o I will not tolerate rape on the part of any of my subordinates. Anyone caught doing so will be executed. Brutally, slowly, and in full view of the public. I mean, like horribly. What's that movie where someone gets stuffed into a woodchipper? Like that, only worse. If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a Woman Scorned is probably the most powerful force in the universe (or at least right up there), and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on. If things between the wife and me go sour, I'll do my best to end things amicably and leave her with a decent alimony, to make her less tempted to help the hero. Or just quietly kill her. I will use any means available to get the hero to cheat on his Love Interest, thus making the Woman Scorned his problem. My plans will not involve animals when it is not really necessary. I will not drop the hero into a snake pit when a pit of poison-coated spikes will be just as effective, and a lot cheaper. I will not bother wasting resources to create weird hybrid animals. A flying bear army might be really cool, but it would cost millions of dollars to create just bear, and it would probably have a multitude of genetic defects. An entire army would drain my budget. The awesome hybrids can wait until I've conquered the world and have unlimited resources. If I do make these creatures, they will fight condemned criminals in the arena. The public needs its entertainment.

If I am in a fantastic setting, troops riding on winged bears would practically be a Game Breaker, because the result could be achieved through magic instead of science and would be much cheaper and more reliable. The flying bears are the air force, the land force would be gorilla-wolves, and the navy would be tentacle sharks. If I do use animals in my schemes, I will have all their backgrounds checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that The Hero once saved the monsters from a rockslide and now they owe their lives to him. Citizens will not be heavily guarded, nor will they be incredibly poor. People will be allowed to have wealth, as wealth leads to donations. Taxes will be spent wisely on important social programmes. People will learn about the horror outside the walls. Public places will be within walking distance to eliminate the need for polluting cars, and all public places must have a master chef who will be there by his own free will. They will also have high def, plasma screen TVs that do not just broadcast me. o However, I will also try to obtain some bad land as well as all that nice land and stuff, use the good land for vital resources and put cities on the bad lands that should always be razed by a different villain so nobody will give me a massive civilian uprising to deal with because of razing the land the cities are on. If I have the power to hypnotize or otherwise alter someone's mind, either by looking at the person or by talking in a strange voice, I will keep my weapon ready just in case. o If am successful, I will not then order the victim to kill themselves unless I have a good reason. Why waste resources for temporary thrills? o Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as Psychic Static, and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in Flash Gordon. I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's Just a Kid. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a Kid Hero, especially skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear rollerblades and speak in antiquated '80s slang. Any who pose a threat to me (given a particularly liberal definition of 'threat') will be quietly unpersoned, and their disappearance attributed to those kidnappers over at La Rsistance. I don't have to worry about their death motivating a relative to bring me down, either, because that only applies to killing exaggeratedly-innocent girls who have heroic-looking older brothers. If I am ever face-to-face with the protagonist, I will tie him/her down first to make sure he/she can't do any damage before I monologue. Better yet, I'll just resist the urge to monologue. Even better, I will Just Shoot Him. Better still, I will monologue to his corpse, noashes, no Soul Jar. Relieves the stress of holding in the monologue, no risk that he'll tell anyone, and the added insult that whatever I'm doing most likely already worked. Alternately, I will spend a minute a day writing a monologue up, then have an assistant splice aodio clips of me talking together into the monologue, put it on my iPod as an MP3, and I will play it on the main speakers along with dramatic music while I am off actually doing something important. There is a time and a place for my maniacal laugh, and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 yearold granddaughter laughs with him. I will not, however, engage in maniacal laughter at

an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack. I will use robot guards programmed to kill any human on sight. Anyone loyal to me will have a special transmitter implanted in their brain, indicating to these robot guards that they are not targets. These transmitters will also deactivate on the death of their owner, and make their owners completely loyal to me, so the hero cannot exploit such an implant, allowing them access to my Evil Fortress. My guards will be specially bred to remove their sexual inclinations, thus closing the loophole provided by entry 96 that seems to be under the impression that gay guards don't exist. o Or I will offer a raise for guards if they volunteer to become eunuchs (or for women whatever the female version is). Not only will it remove the want to chase tail but it also helps built muscle to kick tail instead. I will remember steers are stronger and bigger than bulls because "they focus on grass instead of ass". I could just use robots, of course. But make sure that the robots are actually robots, and don't dream. And I'll make sure they can't be reprogrammed without retinal clearance from my top roboticist, my head of security, and myself. I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode. I will also have it set up so that, in case my top roboticist turns good or my head of security suddenly dies and I don't have time to change the locks, I can reprogram them on my own. Naturally, I will have some basic programs (servant, soldier, whatever) on disc and already ready to use, and learn to do the more complicated ones myself. My scientists will put in the extra time to proof any mind control devices against the power of love, friendship, and rock. Better yet, I'll skip Rock, but keep all rock music inside my castle and nowhere else. That way, if the hero uses my mind-control device against me, I can use The Power of Rock to my advantage All targets will have any and all parts of the brain important to feeling emotions removed. Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving godhood. Even if it's deserved. Especially if it's deserved. Do I really want to find out how invincible I am the hard way? If I am the Overlord of a video game, I will have my Legions of Evil track down any and all saving/healing points and either remove them or rig them to violently self-destruct or otherwise attack the hero if he (or she) tries to use them. Except for one, which will be moved to my personal quarters and restricted to my own use. Save Scumming may be cheating, but then again, I am an Evil Overlord. o In fact, if my research indicates that I am a boss in a video game, I will carefully study the list of Classic Video Game Screw Yous and will endeavor to include as many of them in my base as possible. If the Hero never gets to fight me because the player controlling him or her gave up in frustration, then I win by default. I will also have my Army of Terror clearing weaker foes from the fields once a week. The Hero will abandon his quest if the only ways for grinding are those little cute critters that lower their karmic point (and don't provide much XP), my mooks (whose weekly level-grind has made them stronger, and have better equipment) and the Wake Up Call Boss.

Removing said monsters and bandits will also improve my reputation among the populace and reduce the chances of poverty-induced discontent. I will store the Plot Coupons in a single place. The door that needs the coupons to open will be between the hero's starting location and myself. Ha. o Alternatively, I will send my minions to guard the location of these Plot Coupons, who will be told to guard them at any cost because behind the door they unlock (or a replica thereof) is my vast treasury/my one weakness/the source of my power. This door will be located as far from my main base as feasible. When the hero attempts to open the door, it will instead activate the lockdown procedures and warm up the nuke. If I have the spare resources, a Kill Sat will also be activated. If I develop a superweapon to use against the heroes, its first public use will be against the heroes. Any tests will be made in out-of-the-way locations against people that will never be missed (and that's only if totally-unpopulated targets aren't an option), so the heroes will have no warning and no chance to develop a counter-measure. I will never depend on a superweapon that has its complete design specs easily available in any library or on the Internet. Ideally, any superweapon I use will have been designed by my own scientists anyway, and if I've been reading this far I wouldn't have put them on the Internet anyway. Or ever connected any computer that the designs have ever been on to the Internet. I will remember that Information is Conserved and not go too overboard with covering up my tracks. A little overboard will suit me just fine. Also, just because Information can't stop existing once created, doesn't mean it has to be retrievable. If I really need to make sure something will never see the light of day, I will hurl it into a black hole. And then find a way to reflect all the Hawking radiation back at it. Just in case. I will hire a competent professional psychologist. Those desiring to become one of my lieutenants must first pay him a visit, and once promoted must continue to do so at least once a year. Anyone diagnosed with obsessions or quirks that might interfere with his or her duties will not be promoted (see Rule 64). Anyone diagnosed with megalomania or the like will be shot before they try to overthrow me. I will take anger management courses. That way, when the hero taunts me and runs, I will not become enraged and blindly chase him right into a trap. It will also prevent me from beating up random henchmen or subjects in a hissy fit, which is never good for PR. I will design my computer password system so that the third attempt to log on with random guesses will route the user to an apparently legitimate database full of misinformation. It will also trip the silent alarm, so that I can opt to send the guards while the intruders are busy downloading data, or just choose to laugh quietly at them as their entire organization prepares to counter my non-existent schemes in Antarctica. I will put my most sensitive information in an obscure format only readable by my own software, Hidden in Plain Sight as a derelict terminal not connected to the Network and without any external ports or removable disc drives whatsoever, placed somewhere where no-one will bother to look for it, such as a museum. o I will, along with this, make sure that the said terminal is readily accessible to myself and whoever must be in on it by the Need to Know Basis' requirements, and in a way that will not attract attention. Me and/or my trusted lieutenants
o

paying visits to nondescript terminals will have great significance to the hero, as it signals that the nondescript terminal in question has some significance to me. I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life. The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was not on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere. I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her. Although it's normally standard policy to remind myself that there are lots of other women in the world, I must consider the possibility that she may be a princess and I could need her politically. Under these circumstances, I will instead marry whichever heir is the weakest of will, regardless of her personal appearances. Nobody ever said I had to be faithful. I will strike a happy compromise. She might be Beautiful All Along, and/or end up aiding the heroes, if I am unfaithful. Even if she does not, she may conveniently take me out after my utter defeat, which should not happen if I have read this list. Or it might be in my moment of triumph. If for whatever reason I do agree to let the hero go, I will let her go as well. I will also make sure that either the offer is made in private or that I can get her to sound like she's betraying him. That should make a useful wedge for driving them apart. If I have the ability to turn people into stone, it will only be used if absolutely necessary in the heat of combat. It will never be used as a punishment for dissenters. That would just let any old hero who comes along with the ability to free them amass a large army of people who are pissed off at me for the final battle. If I absolutely have to use it in combat, I will break all the stone up after the battle is over. If, in a moment of temporary insanity, I use it outside of combat anyway, I will also break up all the stone. Better yet I'll put some parts together using regular materials to fill in gaps while leaving empty spaces inside, etc. That way if someone does "free" them the outcome will be High Octane Nightmare Fuel for him, his team and everyone who supported him. I should also remember to keep this secret so everyone will consider the hero to be responsible. If young, I will purchase leather pants. The resulting admirers will make a useful backup army. If I feel really committed, I will engage in deliberately homoerotic acts (much easier if I happen to be bisexual). The resulting admirers' numbers will be be bolstered greatly. Under NO circumstances will I or any of my minions wear heels. While sexy, they will always break at the worst possible time, and they impair movement to a significant degree. If I ever need to protect something vitally important behind an array of magical defenses, I will try and incorporate at least one which uses a password or other means of identity verification. Whilst ancient riddles and tests of skill will keep the riff-raff out, they also grant entry to anyone capable of working them out- and heroes tend to be annoyingly good at this. I will not make a sentient robot, even though it may seem like a good idea at the time. It will be a killing machine that follows my orders and not one that goes on some philosophical spiel about being a machine that is self-aware in which it realizes that it can destroy me or join the hero.

Similarly, the same could be said about any sentient computer. I will never assume the hero is dead without making a reasonable effort to find the corpse and ensure he really is dead. Even if he is dead, there will probably be more. Every hero needs to succeed where others have failed, after all, and the one I just killed may only be a precursor for the real hero. Should I ever find the corpse of a hero, I will only check for life signs after subjecting it to a destructive test to ensure that they are truly dead, involving immolation, freezedrying, and exposure to corrosives, among other things. I will also take tissue samples and cranial x-rays to make sure it's really the hero. o After the destructive test, the body will not be buried. Once thoroughly tested, anything left over will be blown up, cremated, or both. During these proceedings, I will be present and attentive at all times, and the body will never be concealed from view (be it body bag, casket, anything). I will not, under any circumstances, trust some upstart new villain that I've never met; especially when they suggest a plan to take down the heroes that I've never thought of or that requires finding some new weapon that they guarantee will help defeat the heroes. This plan will inevitably elevate the new guy at my expense. I will avoid any plan that involves releasing the Sealed Evil in a Can. This would most likely result in the above situation, or worse. I will take careful notes on the world in which I live and intend to conquer. If I live in a crapsack, half-empty world where pillaging and various other atrocities are committed every other day and people get away with it, Anyone Can Die (and does and stays dead) and the world essentially hates mankind, I can allow some leeway on the "Evil" parts. However, I must do careful evaluation if God is proven to exist and he hates the world. No matter how powerful I am, a God-like entity is far beyond my powers and I'm best becoming allies with the local Anti-Hero to remove said entity. I can rule as a Overlord afterwards, as removing said entity is likely not to reverse the condition of the world and it will stay crapsack, thus allowing me some leeway for my more evil tendencies while still keeping me from crossing the Moral Event Horizon. At least, I must be the least evil leader in the lands. No one is going to complain if I still retain some evil tendencies because I'm still better than the others. Additionally, a story like this will almost always have a Bittersweet Ending for the hero, perhaps him making a Heroic Sacrifice to rid everyone of the cause of the world's suffering. This will prevent a Retired Bad Ass from coming out of retirement to kick my ass if I accidentally cross a line I shouldn't have on carelessness (Anti-Hero-types are very difficult to negotiate with). o If no one dies or, alternatively, comes back more times than a cat, Karmic Death is commonplace and the world is full of sunshine and Teletubbies, I should go somewhere else as an "Evil Overlord" is against all odds. Conquering Hell is not an option as the afterlife is usually governed by beings far too powerful for me to beat to ensure a Karmic Hell. o If possible, though, I will become a Knight of Cerebus, reveal the world to be a Crapsaccharine World, or find some other way of bringing about a Genre Shift to something that likes Evil Overlords more. o Additionally, I shall pay attention if I live a world that seems to subvert/avert or outright deconstruct as many tropes as it can (especially ones that favor the good guys). If the Conservation of Ninjutsu is among these, I shall make no hesitation
o

in exploiting this. If Too Dumb to Live is lampshaded often, this will prove extremely handy as the comic relief would probably end up killing themselves and ridding themselves for me, though I should be careful that I myself don't fall in this. This goes without saying, but all Omnicidal Maniac tendencies are right out. The goal is to conquer the world, not destroy it. As such, I will not ally myself nor employ people/entities with long-standing and great hate for all living things and mankind, as they will eventually becoming significant obstacles in ruling if they don't outright betray me. I will rid myself all these people if at all possible and, if necessary, I will ally myself with the resident hero and aid him in ridding of the menace. If I'm called out on my evil tendencies, I will try to convince him that my goal is simply to conquer while the other guy's is outright mass murder (This will most likely work as a conqueror is definitely lower on the scale of evil than an Omnicidal Maniac, provided I haven't crossed too many lines) I will also not try to remove the hero once the job is done, as they're aid may be needed again in ridding other threats like this and it's bad for my image when employing people. If I'm truly lucky, the hero would need to use a Heroic Sacrifice to make sure the maniac is Killed Off for Real. If that's the case, I will publicly mourn his death as an ally for my cause, which will serve as good PR. I will use heroes by informing and directing them to my enemies that are more (overtly) evil than I am. Heroes tend to ignore lesser evils when a much larger one looms over them. On top of never gloating, I shall never so much as talk in battle. It's a distraction and any moment I could spend thinking of something to say, I could instead be using to predict my opponent's next move and a respective counter. Cold silence is intimidating as well. Additionally, it prevents me from triggering a Shut Up, Hannibal! / "World of Cardboard" Speech that will inevitably result in an Eleventh Hour Superpower. A Hannibal Lecture never works against the hero. o Exceptions will be made if there is a brief lull in the fighting and I have something relevant to say. For the record: nihilism, ranting, or name-calling are not relevant; the people the hero killed to get to this point, the high quality of life in my subjects, and the contradictions in his life philosophy are. o Calling Your Attacks is an exception if it doesn't interfere with the attack timing and makes them stronger, allows them to do be manipulated, and/or is generally just fun or reliving to say (Compassionate face breaking fist). However, if the bonus isn't worth it then I will remain silent during battle. If one must call out attacks to do them then it goes without saying that I will learn how to get over this or do it. I wouldn't want somebody to have an edge over me just because they are more vocal. If I am ever short on cash but have a handy new invention, and I have the choice between using this invention to steal money in a heist that will bring me into direct confrontation with the hero and just selling it on eBay for tons of cash and collecting anonymously, I will choose the latter. I will also give it a very short warranty and design it so that it will break down just after said warranty expires. (I am still Evil after all...) o But that would allow others to use the invention against me, so no. Not necessarily a problem. If the invention is a superweapon, that would be bad. If it's something like velcro, however...

I will not only allow but encourage my Legions of Evil to paint unique designs on their armor. Not only is it a slight morale booster, but it also makes it easier to identify individual mooks, no soldiers and thus makes it that much harder for the Hero to impersonate them. o In addition, I will place a number of security checkpoints along all the entrances and in front of every important or falsely important room in my fortress. Every soldier will be asked personal questions which only they could answer. o In order to avoid Conservation of Ninjutsu and make my troops more sympathetic to the audience, I will also encourage them to address one another by name, pursue individual hobbies on their own time, and show off their personalities when the hero is nearby. o In fact, I will seriously consider just doing away with the armor and the uniforms altogether. Heroes never seem to be hindered by the lack of helmets and incomplete armory, or have any difficulty differentiating between friend or foe in battle. Mooks will instead be encouraged to dress casually under the supervision of a hired fashion expert to weed out anyone about to make himself into an Acceptable target. It's a proven fact that the right outfit with the right accessories can increase a person's fighting power well above the norm. If I absolutely MUST use a slow acting death trap style device to kill the hero, I will NEVER put a nameless redshirt in first, allowing the hero to figure it out. Nor will I put the hero's love interest in the death trap first, as this inevitably leads to a last minute rescue. Instead, I will put the hero in the death trap first, torture the redshirt for any information about the rebellion, and keep the girl on hand as a useful bargaining chip (although she should be kept entirely unaware of her hero's death until such a time as I no longer have use for her.) Of course, it's much preferable that if the hero is ever in a position to be killed easily, I merely kill him with a quicker, easier method such as shooting him. o On a related note, I will remember that the deathtrap will be just as funny if I throw in a corpse instead of a living hero. If I'm having audio-only contact with one of my minions, and the connection is suddenly broken, I will treat the situation like a full-scale emergency. It doesn't matter if contact is reestablished right afterwards and a voice assures me that everything is all right and that it was just a minor glitch; I will nevertheless assume that there's now an enemy at the other end of the line. o I will require all minions to have a set of Trust Passwords, unique to each individual, and kept in a binder within my reach at all times. If a connection breaks, I will ask for the password the moment it's reestablished. On a related note, no minion is to write their password down and I will ask a random minion for the password instead of just whoever's holding the phone. I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat me, it's not worth the risk. When a noble hero convinces another, less noble hero not to kill me, it is not the right time for me to push my luck. In a situation like that, I will not mock them for being so naive and promise that eventually I'll kill them both. Instead, I will act humble and remorseful for as long as they've got me dead to rights.

I will not suddenly start acting evil again once they've no longer got me, either. I will at least wait until they're out of both sight and earshot. If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction. If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters. I will build hospitals, improve medical funding, and equip many of my soldiers with firstaid kits, or employ healers. The hospitals and the medics will treat soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soliders, civilians will have more incentive to join my forces, and my soldiers and civilians will be far more loyal. It isn't evil in nature, but it allows me to further my evil cause(s) more easily. I will learn and employ healing magic as often as possible, so as to better cultivate a better image in the eyes of my people. In addition to the above benefits, I will be able to act as the good cop in more violent interrogation and be able to sustain myself in a fight with The Hero. I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others. I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their surprising resistance to bullets and cuts. I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about posing as one of them when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit. o I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale. If I receive word that a hero or heroes have appeared, I will immediately begin observing them in all things. Should any form of Will They or Won't They?, Belligerent Sexual Tension, or UST symptoms be present, I will immediately being plans to vilify the Hero to his (or her) love interest. These tactics will be subtle so that they don't find out and become a couple with the Power of Love. I will consider the pros of being a black, gay, Jewish woman. Such as being able to paint The Hero and his companions as sexist, racist, homophobic anti-Semites. I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. It may seem nice, but my minions would be pissed that I chose someone based solely on appearance rather than merit. o However, if I have the option of hiring a busty bombshell who is competent as my second in command, I will do so. This will encourage loyalty among troops and distract the hero. She will not, however, dress like a Russian Torture Technician, as this allows my enemies visual verification that she is evil. Instead, I will encourage her to die her hair blonde, if it isn't already, and act stupid. The heroes will never suspect that she's really on my side if they encounter her, allowing her to trick them into capture, or just knock them out with a surprise attack.

The borders of my realm will be well guarded with checkpoints and preferably a fifty plus foot high wall with motion sensors. Said sensors will be linked to a number of machine guns. Animals will learn to avoid it. Any outage in the motion sensor grid will be treated as an emergency. Incentives will be offered should someone find a legitimate flaw in the system, be it from a minion or civilian. Should the hero somehow enter my realm, and is detected. I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike. As soon as he's a good distance from a population center, of course. The LAST thing I need is a second hero showing up because I leveled his hometown. o Additionally, all nearby villagers will be notified within fifteen minutes of the strike unless the hero is too close to them, and all planes and ordinance will be clearly labeled as belonging to Training Flight [some designation]. That way, if/when the hero survives, he will have no one to blame but himself and the villagers will only tell him that he left shortly before the warning was given. Actual training flights will be executed the same way, to prevent arousing suspicion among the locals. I will find alternate means of dealing with any enemy who would become more powerful if killed. I will make certain that my squad of superpowered Evil Minions aren't particularly weak to each others' powers. While this can be useful in containing rebellion, there are far too many power-assimilating heroes out there. Alternately, I will pair each minion with the counterpart that strengthens/heals them. If the super-empowering Applied Phlebotinum I possess has a possibility of horrible side effects, I will neither force a minion to take it, nor try it myself. I will instead wait for version 2.0. Horny Devils, especially tentacle monsters, are some of most useful minions. Their Genre Shift abilities are incredibly powerful. Every Action Girl, including Magical Girl and Super Heroine, will suddenly become Faux Action Girl thus increasing your chance of world domination. If you fail to recruit such a minion, please consider to have it as your One-Winged Angel form. o To break her spine? Precisely. Note the above about rape and Karmic Death. Also, if I do recruit Horny Devils, they can also serve as patsies under that same premise, after the heroine(s) in question is/are dead. However, as with monsters that can NOT be taught not to target me, I will take into account that tentacle monsters might not care if its the heroes or ME that they are violating....with that in mind, perhaps the risk just isn't worth it. Unless I'm into that sort of thing. I will ensure that executions are done in such a way as to allow open-casket services, and give everyone I execute a proper burial, as outlined by their regional customs, or if applicable, following their Last Will and Testament TO THE LETTER. Executions will be done as humanely as possible to reduce the risk of them coming back as ghosts or other Undead, thus enabling them to help the hero and screw with my furniture. And/or eat the minions. The Last Will and Testament bit obviously doesn't apply to the hero.

Him I will decapitate, stuff with white rose petals, marinade in blessed water, and bury upside-down at the nearest crossroad. If my Humongous Mecha or other superweapons have a small but glaringly evident weak spot but is otherwise quite effective, I will at least put a pane of bulletproof glass over it, or if I can't armor or shield it in some wayI'm looking at YOU, Death Starmake sure to keep it constantly moving as erraticly as possible, rather than just scrapping it and turning it into collector coins. If I can't do one or both of these things, melt it down into conventional armor and guns, as another legion will cost only half as much and probably do just as much damage. As an added morale booster, stamp "Mk (random number) Mecha Failure Commemorative Piece 1/ 10,000" on the guns and armor. This also applies if instead of a mecha it's myself who has the weak spot. There's no reason it should be possible to stake a vampire in the heart casually. o Alternatively, I will design compact but very effective powered armor that can be worn under ordinary clothes. I will keep the very best iteration of this armor for myself, and provide my trusted elites and valued officers with nearly-as-good suits. Imagine the hero's shock when his weapon clangs off my business suit, enough to let me sink a shiv in his forehead. o OR I could put the weak spot in a place that's impossible to hit, and have the glowy bit fire a Wave Motion Gun along the trajectory of whatever hit it last. As an alternative to Rule 168, I will hire both the programmer and the kid and make sure that they work as a team. Not only will their combined ideas increase my computer systems' security, but the hero will have to man the keyboard himself. o I will also attempt to make them part of my personal 'evil' group of True Companions. This will minimise the chances of one of them having a Heel Face Turn and joining the hero allowing all my security secrets to get out. If possible, I will make sure they bicker a lot while still working together well; that way, they function as my own personal competent comic relief, increasing my groups likability and thus the chances of our survival. I will hire a Cloudcuckoolander as one of my advisors, but the first idea that he has to defeat any of my enemies will be treated as a last resort. If unsuccessful, he will dealt with in a manner that will ensure that he can never help the hero (even by accident) in any way. o If I cannot find anyone loopy enough that qualifies as a Cloudcuckoolander, I will hire The Imp (variation that's just snarky; like Midna from The Legend of Zelda) or a Deadpan Snarker, to tell me when my plans are stupid. I will not kill them for saying anything about my convoluted plans that's negative or realistic, because that is their job. As an alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the vents large, because of two reasons: o Crawling through a ventilation shaft makes a lot of noise. So when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound. o In a realistic setting, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing ample amusement as he tries to spy on my plans. As another alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the insides of my air vents at lethal temperature extremes. This function will only be disabled when they must be repaired * . A third alternative to Rule 2, I will, if at all possible, avoid having ventilation ducts in my evil fortress. I will instead make sure that all areas are well ventilated by other means.

The only air ducts will be in the prison, and those will be dead ends after two turns and about 20 feet. They will also be trapped to seal anyone inside them, and then fill with a non-lethal paralytic toxin. My guards will immediately inform me by radio of their attempt, and I will enjoy a brief yet hearty chuckle. While they are moved to another cell, they will be kept under heavy guard, and they will be shackled, bound, gagged, and any other means I have of keeping them immobile will be applied. I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my EvilPlans, I have demonic glowing cat eyes that allow me to see in such darkness, confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact, and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time. They will impair my vision otherwise, though they do look awesome. o I will suspend this rule if it is ever necessary to keep track of the visions in my eyes. If someone is deceiving me, it will definitely cut my security. My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple. If The Hero thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing, instead of constantly trying to kill me. My scientists will also study the Fisher King effect that happens whenever people rule an area, and have it work out so that my empire looks like pure good. I will assume the hero is genre savvy even if he has been shown to be an idiot hero as that could just be a ruse to make me feel to secure in my victory. If the hero is a Idiot Hero, then they will have an intelligent but cold ally that the hero will rarely listen to. I will kill this person before the hero can teach them about instinct and friendship, since after they learn about that, they will become a realistic threat to my plans. I will always assume the hero is a threat, even if they are stupid/silly/naive/dead. o And I will expect the same for my underlings. I will organize special seminars for those soldiers who are still incapable of grasping this simple fact. (Followed by a motivational course for those who believe that I accept this as an excuse for not fighting him, should I order it). I will get an implant or surgery to suppress conscience. I will also make such implants/surgery mandatory for everyone in my army, thus making me immune to Villainous BSOD and safe from Face Heel Turn. o On a related note, I will have the neurosurgeon executed so that he can't use the implant to control me. This will be a standing order, and my mooks will be authorized to both ignore my commands and restrain me while killing the good doctor if I say anything even close to "don't kill him". If I cannot suppress my conscience when I see fit, then why would I try to be an evil overlord? I clearly need to get my priorities straight here. I will always, however, keep a facade of having a conscience up. That way, when the hero tries to get me to suffer a Villainous BSOD I can fake it, and take advantage of it when he lets down his guard if he tries to kill me. If he tries to be friends, I will accept, infiltrate his close circle of friends, and kill all of them in their sleep. I will make sure I do this without any chance of detection, and after I have tricked the suspicious one.

Note: I will also make absolutely, completely, 100% sure to have an abort plan. If I ever, ever, begin realizing I'm actually starting to like this, I will abort immediately. If the Hero asks it was all a lie, I will claim it was not. Note 2: If I can still be an Evil Overlord while the hero's friends are accepting me, why kill them? I'll just use my influence over them to keep them pointed at someone else's plans and save "kill them all in their sleep" for when they start getting suspicious. Before my rise to glory, I will kill all of my past mentors/teachers and replace them in their schools with substitutes and explain that said mentor/teacher went abroad to study. I will kill any friends of these mentors, any family members, but most importantly, any of his students who go out looking for him. o With that in mind, my next Class Reunion will be bombed as soon as I am sure all of my fellow classmates, especially rivals, are there enjoying their slice of cafeteria cake. I will leave various communicators laying in the ground where ever I go that ring any theme tunes associated with me when they sense the vibrations of people's footsteps. If answered, it will explode. o If my voice sounds higher/lower/scratchy/British/otherwise different over the phone, my Legion of Terror will not continue giving out information of where we are supposed to be located. They will instead come to where I am presumably located and make sure it is actually me. If behind an unbreakable force field with my enemy trying to get in, I will also pay attention to all other degrees of vision. Chances are my unbreakable force field is, on the contrary, breakable, and it just so happens something ready to break it is nearby. Should time travel become available, I shall send three teams back: o The smallest, Team A, will be sent to my parents when I am an infant, armed with a fictional prophecy claiming I am the "one" of some kind. Details will be ambiguous. Parents will be killed, and a small, unique trinket will be left with me. Of course, I will find out what the rules of my universe regarding fake prophecies are. I don't want the hero using something that I thought was a fake weakness, only to find out that this universe runs on Clap Your Hands If You Believe. o Team B will be larger, and be sent to the pasts of any potential heroes, where they will subtly but covertly influence these heroes' lives so that they will (i) become moderately comfortable and happy in adult life or (ii) become a flawed Overlord themselves, whichever is more practical. o Team C will be a massive propaganda team, acting as an army for potential overlords during my adolescence or early adulthood, while also spreading rumours of Team A's false prophecy to the world at large. This should provide for excellent PR, better chances of getting laid and an easier route to power and influence, with less chance of overall failure. I will send my Teams D-through-X to the pasts of all potential heroes, to their respective births, where they will implant the prospective heroes' brains with a small RC explosive before returning to the present for more assignments. In the present, should a hero attempt to thwart my plans, I

will detonate the charges long-stored in their heads, avoiding any paradox of going back in time to kill my enemy. When using time travel, I WILL make absolutely sure that what I am doing will not cause unforeseen consequences or a Time Paradox. If I cannot be absolutely sure of that, no matter how tempting it may be, I will NOT use time traveling at all. When it comes to people who fall under Heel Face Revolving Door, as long as they get results I'm looking for, they will be safe. When they go to another side, I will deal with them if needed. (They did give me good results, after all, and they will switch sides again, assuming I don't send them to assassinate their boyfriend/girlfriend/family or something.) When they switch back (as they probably will), the same cycle will continue. My secret password will not be 1-2-3-4-5. It's too obvious and The Hero will probably try that option, if only to get it out of the way. o As a corollary, nobody in my organization will make their password their lover's name. It is too easily broken. Should I hear that such a thing happened, I will suspend them immediately without pay. If The Hero cracked security because of the password in question, because of it's simplicity, the moron that chose the password will be anywhere from long-term suspension to death based on how badly The Hero screwed up my plans. As another corollary, nor will I. As a preemptive measure, I will ask everyone to put a number of personal passwords in the system. They will not be using these for log-ins (those passwords will be picked by me personally). Instead, any log-in attempt with these will automatically activate a machine gun behind the panel. o I will use easy to crack passwords for decoy systems and plans. I will also rig my password systems to automatically lock down and trigger an alarm after a few dozen tries. This will prevent the hero from deducing the password through brute force. Particularly stupid password attempts, like "swordfish," will trigger the alarm immediately. o If I really want a secure system, I will design an entirely new OS that will allow the use of nonstandard characters for password. No one will guess that. I will also remember the basic rule of ten characters consisting of at least one number, one lowercase letter, one uppercase, and one special character will slow down even the best hackers. Government agencies start swearing at twenty. o Also any machine that requires a password to shutdown will have an internal power source. Few things are more embarrassing than the hero stopping my Doomsday Machine than the Cloudcukoolander simply unplugging it from the wall by tripping over it. I will consider using improvised weaponry. If the hero wishes to try and disengage the main generator he will have to enter a chamber that is flooded with Anti-Redshirt radiation, the radiation will only be vented with my expressed permission. I will never, under any circumstances, put a giant monster too tough to be damaged by the hero's normal weapons in the same room as a piece of artillery that can penetrate its defenses.

When my henchman says, "No one could've survived that fall.", I will say, "Why don't you find out," and push him over after the hero. o Alternately, I will send a team down in this world's equivalent to helicopters. Killing henchmen may be fun, but if they're dead, they can't report back. Plus, it's bad for PR. This team will ensure that, indeed, nobody has survived the fall. To fulfill this objective, the team will be required to first locate anyone who has fallen off, then shoot them. Repeatedly. No, I don't want to waste personnel. If they find anyone, said someone is to be transported under armed guard to secure containment pending identity verification. Even if they're dressed as the hero. Anyone resisting, though, is to be shot repeatedly in the head and vaporized if possible. o Whether or not I choose to make an example of them, anyone who thinks that people do not survive impossibly long falls is clearly not Genre Savvy enough to be in a leadership position in my Evil Army, a fact that I will make sure is remembered during their next performance review. The same policy applies to comments such as: "He's Just a Kid"; "We outnumber him 10 to 1, he can not escape" and "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?". (However, I will be fair in commending any soldier who approaches a situation with due caution or sticks to regulations during a crisis. Natural born talent such as recognizing that regular rules probably do not apply for the giant sword wielding maniac who just slaughtered half of your platoon with ease, taking precautions without me ordering it, and being able to identify the sound of a thrown pebble, will earn a promotion on the spot.) I will maintain a healthy sense of humor about all aspects of my life. Then, if the hero attempts to goad me into making a rash mistake by mentioning something that might be a sore topic for me, I will simply laugh, say "You got me there!" and shoot him. Between the eyes. Twice. If, for some reason, I feel like putting an item in a dungeon (in which case I must realize that The Hero will likely swipe it), I will NOT make it the one item needed to slay the boss of that same dungeon. It makes me look like an idiot to put the boss' Achilles Heel in the same dungeon. o If I don't need access to this item later on, I will store the key to the chest, along with the item, inside the chest. If I will need the item, the key will remain on my person, and will not be left elsewhere in the dungeon. Alternately, I'll just keep the item on my person in the first place. If I don't need access to the item, I'll either leave it sitting in my own vault or break it. Even a health potion sitting in the dungeon will help anyone going through it. Hell, I'll put it in my vault if I do need it. I will hire my lieutenants based on their knowledge of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". o The Thirty Six Strategems are also needed. But they should have plenty of field experience. Ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned. If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "so-and-so begged me to spare his/her life". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.

If the hero insists on knowing, one of my officers will explain in as much detail as the hero wants, omitting or outright falsifying any parts that could be reenacted wherever I'm fighting the hero. None of my officers will be professional tennis-players. o If in a game of tennis with my foe with the ball being an orb of energy, I will just shoot him immediately after he hits the ball and dodge the attack. I will make sure to hire a tennis instructor to better me on the game just in case the hero tries to catch me in a game. o I will never, ever, EVER substitute a live grenade for the ball. That's not just courting disaster, it's slipping a roofie in her cocktail. o I will never use an attack that can be reflected without proper knowledge of the reflecting-item being no where in the vicinity. o Better yet, none of my officers will be unskilled tennis players. Any who use reflectable attacks will carry something for reflecting it on their persons and pull it out as soon as they've fired the attack. Either that or generate a shield to directly nullify their own attacks towards them, it also prevents friendly fire which is a plus; in other words, a one way barrier, attacks go out, but not in. o If I discover that one of my attacks can be reflected back towards me, I will refrain from using said attack. My Legion of Doom will never go out into battle with money or valuables in their possession, especially if they have a knack for dropping all of this when they die. o My Legions of Doom will be instructed to keep their valuables in the base unless they're bartering for something and will be able to purchase things on credit if such exists. And their personally-fitted armor will have their equipment integrated into it (antidotes and such in a sealed or locked pouch accessible only by the wearer), so that it can't be used by the hero unless he wants to put up with serious cramping and chafing problems. If my Legions of Doom manage to put one of the heroes in a state where he attacks his allies rather than them, they will be instructed not to attack said hero until all his friends are dead or he is no longer in said state. The same thing goes for if they manage to render one of them unconscious. o If the technology for it exists, my Legions of Doom will also be instructed to carry the antidotes to any poisons they use in a securely locked container. I don't want the heroes curing the poisoning by just beating my minions. I will make sure only to communicate and rule through a suit of Animated Armor or other robot double, while I am somewhere else-preferably a bunker in the ass-end of Siberia or some other hellishly inhospitable place that would take a massive amount of preparation to get to. I will also have multiple copies of this equipment, so when the heroes shut one down, the next powers up. I will also make sure that the armor is shielded from EMP so as to eliminate the primary weakness of a robot body (or Dispel, if the armor is magical animate). o If I do choose to do the Tin Tyrant thing, I will always oil my joints right after each "meal", about three times a day.
o

I will also find a way to make it look either completely human or completely monstrous. Nothing makes holding court difficult like "should be human, but isn't". Rather than automatically ordering the death of someone I believe is about to reveal my dark secret, I will first consider the relative PR ratings of myself and the source, as well as the level of deniability I have. If the revelation will only be believed by crazy conspiracy theorists, it would probably actually work to my advantage. However, if the person planning to do this is the hero, I will have them killed immediately, as they will inevitably get their hands on the evidence at some point. For similar reasons, if practical I will actively try to make myself one of the stock villains of crazy conspiracy theorists. Somebody planning to control the world will find that the perfect hiding place is within the freemasons or Catholic church. Remember, boys and girls, there's no shame in the Groin Attack. You are a bad guy, after all, nobody expects you to play fair. If the hero steals "my thing" and starts to go One-Winged Angel, or starts rambling on, I will ignore the "Transformation/Talking Is a Free Action" thing and shoot him while he's quite probably incredibly vulnerable. I will never kidnap, torture, imprison, or otherwise harm the loved ones of a hero I underestimate and leave the hero free. They will invariably turn out to be surprisingly dangerous, Fanatically loyal and possessed of a remarkable ability to find allies, and I will be setting myself up to receive a Roaring Rampage of Revenge. No matter how much I underestimate the hero I will kill him first, then kill all his relations right afterwards, just in case he is the wrong hero. o We cannot stress this enough, apparently. My Legions of Doom will not in any way, shape, or form, use torches, knives, and pitchforks if there are guns and chainsaws around that are in perfect working condition and have ammunition/gasoline in them, particularly if The Hero is using guns without mercy. It's just dumb and suicidal otherwise. I will place political prisoners in the same cell blocks as the nonpolitical ones. That way if the hero decides to start releasing people indiscriminately, I can go on TV and publicly demand to know why he thought it was a good idea to put serial killers and multiple rapists back on the streets. o I will also hire several assassins, equip them with poison daggers, and have them masquerade as prisoners. When the hero shows up to throw open the doors of the prison, their job will be to discretely stab him/her on the way out. I will ensure that people will not automatically be killed for dissenting opinions. That's an easy way to get the people resentful of my rule. They will be encouraged to say what they wish, thus it gives the illusion of honest debate, while I'm still in power. o Plus, it just drives the rebellion underground. If they start stating their goals publicly, I can refute them publicly. I will not allow minions to strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable. After defeating the nearby, less Genre Savvy but Eviler than Thou Overlord, if I find that there is a Cutie in process of breaking, I will adopt her and have her train under same program with my other Ninja Maids. This way, I will have a Morality Pet that can be
o

useful, and since she has already seen a worse overlord, the risk of her pulling a Heel Face Turn is slim. o I will also make sure to actually treat her as a Morality Pet. That way, if I die, the heroes might suddenly have to deal with a Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds. When I decide to go "super-evil" And destroy an entire town with burning fire, I shall do it at the dead of night. If circumstances permit me only to destroy the town in the middle of the day, I will order my troops to check any nearby hills for possible children of the people I'm killing, and shoot them on sight. The last thing I need is another kid having a reason to try and kill me. And if my goons miss the kid, and they run into the town and happen to find me burning it up, AND I find out that the kid has some sort of sacred power, I shall kill him immediately. I shall not let him escape, I shall not say that he has a magic power, and above all, I SHALL NOT GIVE THE STUPID RED HEDGEHOG A PAIR OF SPEED BOOTS!, give him items or try to make him my minion. Something tells me that it will bite me later on if I do. If I decide to make a giant mech to smite my enemies, I shall make a hidden button that activates a Weak Point. I shall not press this button untill my enemies try to override my mech, at which point I will press the button, eject out of the cockpit, wait untill the heroes get into the mech... and then blast the Weak Point with a rocket launcher/laser/BFG (Whichever is the best avalible.) If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch. o I will wait until either I'm on the ropes or the hero's starting his contractually required "World of Cardboard" Speech before activating my own One-Winged Angel stunt. Then I can just blast the hero at full power while he's transforming. The ultimate strategy is to eliminate the opponent's will to fight. This makes the ultimate weapon Seduction. This, in turn, makes creating Super Soldiers no more difficult than recruiting a Hooker with a Heart of Gold. o I will, however, make sure to have actual supersoldiers on hand in case I get a Chaste Hero or he's good enough in bed to turn the hooker. Just to keep all my bases covered. If the hero gives you a box that he claims contains an object you really want, make sure the box isn't empty before you let him go. o But do not open the box yourself. Bombs, poisons, deadly animals, or other nasty surprises could be in there. Make sure to record the entire thing, that way you gain good publicity either way. Insist that he open it, while your honor guard keeps guns/wands/whatever leveled at him. If it's the genuine article, he can just hand it over; if it's trapped, he trips it himself; if it's empty, you can broadcast the tape and call him honorless swine; if he tries to use or destroy it himself, he gets blasted before he does anything foolish; and in any case it fits the imperial pageantry much better than just "hand over the box and run". The fifth possibility, that it is an dangerous animal of some kind, but one trained by and loyal to the hero, which will attack you no matter who opens the box, can be countered by having your best trained marksman

point their gun above the box. If anything comes out of it, he is under orders to shoot immediately. When I conquer a country, I will not culturally oppress the people. They will be allowed to continue any and all cultural holidays. Banning their culture will accomplish nothing but making them pissed at me. If I make a bargain with anyone, I will do my best to actually hold up my end; lest it come back to bite me in the ass later. They only time I will backstab anyone is if I can kill everyone involved who could conceivably get back at me. o If the heroes fail to uphold their end of the bargain, I will make it widely known. Nothing ruins a hero's reputation like failing to honor a contract that even the Evil Overlord upheld. All minions (or at least as many as is practical) will be required to know basic first aid. I will keep the following items on my person at all times: o Lightweight, bulletproof body armor; easily concealed under my clothes. o A small handgun, and at least one magazine of extra ammo. o A combat knife. o A can of mace. o A bandolier of grenades, including two teargas canisters, two thermite/magensium charges, and two general purpose frags. o A gas mask and a small oxygen tank with at least an hour's worth of air in it, or a hell of a lot of filter cartriges. o A Swiss Army knife. o A roll of Duct Tape. o Any medical supplies I may need, including painkillers, general-purpose anidote, disinfectant, water-purification tablets, splints, bandages, and Brain Bleach. o Anything I can't sleep without, including pills, a scrap of my old security blanket, or a teddy bear. o An emergency transmitter linked to my elite squad of guards, complete with a panic button. If my guards are equipped with poison, it shall be a mixture of no less than 18 different samples that cannot cancel each other out. Also, said poison will only be applied to bullets, not put in a bottle or syringe that is carried. o All guards' blood will either be altered to withstand every poison, or be replaced with artificial blood that destroys all toxins within the body. If artificial blood is removed in any way other than one only I and my science team knows, it will self-destruct in a nonviolent way to prevent the destruction of my fortress to be from papercuts, such as immediate solidification when exposed to air. I will first see what my universe's view of transhumanism and such are. If even slight deviations from the human pattern are a sign of Irredeemable Evil, I will stay clear of modding my guards because that is a good way to have insane monsters trying to kill me. If robots and mutants are people too, I will do this carefully and make sure the changes are temporary. If the heroes are allowed to use the power I'm giving the guards, I'll go right ahead. If the author's a transhumanist, odds are I'm opposed to this kind of stuff on principle anyway.

All weapons will be equipped with fingerprint scanners that will explode if touched too heavily, along with a voice recognition program that also tests for breath, heat, and moisture before starting. If weapon requirements aren't met, it will release an electric shock and explode. o On second thought, scrap explode if touched too heavily part. My mooks are people, people will get excited in heat of battle and they tend to grip thing too hard when excite. What do you mean "my mooks won't get excite"? If I deploy MechaMook, Starfish Alien or have ability to remove annoying thing call emotion from human, surely there will be protection method far better than fingerprint scan. o While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be vary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them. This will also help to prevent those annoying Dressing as the Enemy situations.) If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the Idiot Ball, we will consider removing it from the legion mind or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only. Even the most "moral" societies have groups they idiotically discriminate against. As such, I shall study my the enemy culture's social hierarchy for peoples disenfranchised and discriminated due to race, creed, religion, gender or sexual orientation (see the corollary regarding Equal Opportunity Employment). I will offer sanctuary to these repressed groups within my empire and collect the super-scientists and magical powerhouses who were discriminated against in their home country. I scoop up a fresh collection of untapped human resources while painting the "good guys" as narrow minded bigots. o I will first, though, make sure that the author doesn't agree with the society on this point. I don't want to have an army full of gays in a conservative Author Tract, and I sure as hell don't want any all-black divisions in anything by H.P. Lovecraft. If I decide to create a massive army of clones, I will not make them clones of Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, or any other sort of superpowered male badass. My clone army will instead consist of attractive women. They will receive all the training and exercise they need in order to become an effective army in addition to skills to help them develop possible lucrative careers outside of the military after I've taken over. This should make it much harder for the Heroes or the rebels to gun down my soldiers and once the war is over the clone army should be able to successfully raise families and help rebuild and repopulate the Empire. I will not have them genetically engineered for accelerated growth or any number of weird things that could potentially cause resentment to the generations of children born from my clone army. I want their children to enjoy happy childhoods and possibly consider joining the military when they themselves grow up.

If I hear a Leitmotif I will implement a device to silence it. I do not care how much of a badass they claim they are or by their "Fanbase" Only because it is distracting and will give the heroes morale. If I am a Sissy Villain, I will not forgo body armor simply becaus it clashes with my ensemble. I will instead enquire after salmon-colored kevlar or hot pink spider-silk. o Or, I will make my costume so fabulous that any self-respecting hero has an epileptic fit just by looking, and heroines are incapacitated by jealousy. I will not give away my backstory or plans for world domination to the heroes. They can either figure them out on their own or die trying. I have a country/megacorp to run, I have no time to play Exposition Fairy. If any of my tech is Powered by a Forsaken Child, I will not kidnap street-urchins and other such orphans. Instead, I will clone the first successful test subject and geneticallyengineer their pain receptors out of them. I will also seek out cruelty-free energy sources. Nothing incites the heroes to lay the Smack Down Upon an organization faster than torturing ankle-biters so their superweapons can run on Agony or Mental Anguish. o Or if it is confirmably powered on Agony, I will employ Masochists and Sadists to run it. After all, there are fetish clubs for this sort of thing, and they can always use the extra employment, as well as it being 'evidence' that I am in fact a nondiscriminatory overlord. Fetish clubbies may not be interested in that level of agony. Probably the safest bet is, if I must use such a technology or magic, to have it reengineered so that I can power it, and put my Determinator cap on. There are very few Heroes who will fault me for inflicting terrible pain on myself, and those that do might not be threatening to my plans at all. If my plan for world domination involves an ancient artifact of incredible magical power, I shall take the time to adequately study all texts and legends regarding it; If granting the hero a weapon capable of defeating me is the only way to obtain said MacGuffin, I will pass it up for another artifact of similar power. In addition, any artifact I may choose must remain in one piece rather than splitting off into three pieces, with the two remaining pieces going to the Hero and his love interest. Before sending demonic shapeshifters to infiltrate the enemy, I will make sure that no animals or children are able to see through their disguises. They will also be trained to refrain from any kind of nonhuman behavior. If I am a reasonably attractive female overlord, I shall dye my hair red before any encounter with the hero, if it is not already red. Heroes Want Redheads, after all, and by dying my hair red, I'm almost guaranteed that he will be distracted long enough for me to kill him or her. If I am a reasonably attractive male overlord, I will merely open my jumpsuit during such an encounter for the same effect. o Unless the hero is Australian. Redheads are called Rangas there for a Reason. o * grasp* So I'm Takakazu Abe? Saying "Yaranaika?" is an option for male. I will not deploy useless holographic doubles. If my holograms can't inflict damage, then why bother? o If I really need to use it, I'll use them as distraction when my elite snipers, en masse and all hide with adaptive camo and kill the heroes.

I will not use adaptive camoflauge that stops working just before my mooks attack someone. Also, Mooks will be trained to keep their camo on at all times, unless specifically ordered to make themselves visible. I will also be able to detect cloaked minions, so they can't scuttle away when I need someone to talk to/berate for incompetence. My Lieutenants and I will also have cloaking units, so the Heroes can't just walk up and kill us. o On the other hand, that sort of camo ensures that the heroes never get the drop on the minions. Hm... Have the Mooks wear Infrared goggles/equipment. o Alternately, I will look at how Thrawn used such techniques, and take advantage of it. If I am female, then I should not overuse the privlige of claiming the hero is misogynistic, and under no means will I objectify myself. Minions will be able to attack relentlessly, and not sit around waiting their turn to fight. Also, screw that "groups of three" bullshit. We're the bad guys. We don't have to wait our turns, and We Have Reserves, so GET IN THERE, DAMMIT!!! o If the universe I happen to live in shunts fights into an alternate timestream that does exactly this, I will make equipment that allows multiple attacks (or more attacks than usual) per "turn", as well as allowing the first hit in combat, standard issue. Said equipment will melt down when the user's lifesigns terminate. I will also make it illegal for civilians to obtain or sell this item. The Arbitrary Army Size Barrier will be studied exhaustively until I find a way to get around it. This includes the Lazy Backup Effect. If the hero falls over, Minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice? Mecha-Mooks will have their battery packs securely fastened at all times, and lined with spikes/electrified. That way, if someone tries to swipe the power core, they just hurt theselves. Said battery packs will also be installed in multiple locations in groups of four, and will have a solar panel beneath them in case someone actually manages to get rid of one. Mooks will not be linked to a central computer. Instead, they will operate on a Hive Mind with me at the center. Rather than shutting down if I bite it, they will go into Revenge Mode. I will play creepy music when my most horriffically disfigured minions attack the hero, as well as flood the coridor with halluciogens. That way, I only need to play the song to reduce him to a gibbering wreck. o I will not use stock or well-known horror themes. Who Are You? (that tune in Final Fantasy VII where you find J.E.N.O.V.A.'s stasis pod) and Bach, Toccatta, and Fugue in "D" minor (the original Ominous Pipe Organ), while classics, have lost their edge. o If possible, I will find out the hero's most cherished nursery rhyme or upbeat song, distort it horribly, and use that for a Player Punch. I will never employ an Evil Tower of Ominousness. Ostentatious lairs are what get stupid overlords killed. o If I do use a tower, I will start a rumor that my office is on the top floor. Said office will have a booby-trapped floor that plunges the hero all 83 stories down

into the Biochemical waste dispsal in the sub-subbasement. I will be in an Elaborate Underground Base on the other end of town. Uniforms will have no eye-catching colors, regardless of how good red-on-black or Florecent green on black looks. Camouflage was invented for a reason. Underwater bases. None of them. o Only if they are deep sea, and I mean bottom of the deepest trench deep and I have mutants that can breathe in the ocean at my disposal that can also withstand the pressure. Starting with myself. If I am certain that I can survive without air and under high pressure, fine. I will remember this fact the next time I am choosing the place for my showdown with the hero. But on principle, I do not build my headquarters in a place that can potentionally become my deathtrap. (No matter how cool a middle of a volcano or a flying base sounds.) o Not a real base anyway. Nothing's better for discrediting a hero than saying they destroyed a defenseless underwater colony, killing thousands of citizens. No-one has proof to the contrary (as it's deep underwater) and it makes the hero sound more like a Complete Monster. I will run a thorough background check on anyone applying to join my secret police or team of evil henchmen. This will help filter out enemy spies and alert me in advance if there is anything I should know about any of my staff. If, in spite of this, we still have a security breach, I will conduct an internal investigation as soon as possible to find out just how it happened. Zombies are more trouble than they're worth. Perfectly healthy Minions can be given a pot of green makeup and acting lessons. o That being said, so are bio-weapons of any sort. Except for the kind you get by letting blood/excrement stagnate on a bayonet. Because it's easily controlled. I will not use minions who desert, defect, or out-and-out panic when their leader dies. If my mooks can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble. Body Horror (Specifically, Lovecraftian Superpowers), while great for psychological warfare, really fucks up my minion's personal lives. Minions will be able to reverse and manifest their mutations at will. Yes, this does mean all my minions will be able to pull a One-Winged Angel. o Minions will be specially trained to utilize their mutations effectively in and out of combat. Clipped Wing Angels just don't cut it. o I will also avoid mutating the Hero's friend, lover, or relative. They'll break my mind control and attempt to kill me with the mutation that I've inflicted upon them. Even if they don't, it tends to cause Unstoppable Rage. As an alternative to Rule 67, should we have a security system that shorts out so often that my guards begin to become jaded to it, I will enquire after something more robust. I will carefully weigh the benefits of wearing a cape to not wearing one. While the impressive effect of a grand billowing cape cannot be underestimated and saves minutes of oration when cowing the easily swayed masses, wearing a cape is asking for it to become a deadly liability.

If I do choose to wear a cape, there will be no less than three clasps or buttons worked into it that will allow me to instantly get rid of the cape. Style is important, but survival is paramount. o Also, any cape I wear will be made out of a cheap and flimsy fabric that tears easily. Thus, if it gets caught on anything then it will tear without inconveniencing me. Any flight, invisibility, or other powers I have will be built into less cumbersome articles of clothing is possible. If an underling ever asks why I don't simply shoot the hero there and then, and I don't have reasonable answer, he/she/it may be right and shall be rewarded. If I learned that hero was raised in a certain orphanage that he still considers home, I will not send my legion to run it down. Instead, I will "offer" to fund the place and reorganize it - using my Ear Worm theme song as orphanage's anthem is the very first step. I will upgrade the Quirky Miniboss Squad to Ragtag Bunch of Misfits, including but not limited to a Villain Protagonist, a Lancer, a Smart Guy, a Big Guy and a Dark Staff Chick. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. o I will also make sure the Staff Chick is a Combat Medic. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean the minions can't get healed in the middle of a fight. o The Smart Guy will get to use an armor better than several layers of felt. Wizards, contrary to popular belief, are only squishy because they don't get any real protection. However strictly I feel I must stay to the rules above, I will always remember that I am, first and foremost, The EVIL Overlord. As such, any and all privileges that staff, minions, henchmen and townsfolk have can and will be revoked if it's needed. If my evil plan requires sucking life energy from people, harvesting organs, making soylent green, or extracting bodily fluids from corpses, then I will make sure to do the grisly work in a clean environment out of sight of the general population. While it may be useful to occasionally publicly execute my enemies or to have corpses laying around to instill an environment of dread and fear... I should at least be able to keep things neat and tidy when necessary. My guards will, at all times, carry a list with names and descriptions of people who are allowed entrance. They will also be informed that allowing in anyone who's not on the list, for any reason, will result in execution. Anyone who refuses to believe that their names aren't on the list, and insists that "there must be some kind of mistake", will be sent to the interrogation chamber. o Said interrogation chamber will be used to hold suspects while the guards check if it's really a documentary mistake (like a misspelled name or if the post's documents have failed to update about my assassin's recent loss of his eye). If it isn't, the suspects will be thrown into the basement dungeons for more serious interrogation. If I have a choice between getting a new toy just because the overlord down the street got one, and upgrading my organization's equipment, I will get the equipment upgrade. Having a private battleship/space station/Kill Sat/etc./etc. is all well and good, but when the hero comes knocking, would you rather be shooting JHP ammo from a six-shooter or explosive bullets from a Tacticool? o While I'm at it, I will allow my henchmen/legion of doom troops to submit suggestions for possible upgrades. Being on the field, they'll know what we need,
o

and there's no sense letting the heroes exploit the same weakness over and over again. o Keep in mind that revolvers actually suck and Katanas take several years of nonstop training to use effectively. Just because something works flawlessly on TV, doesn't mean it won't fall flat on it's ass in Real Life. That, and Minions have a horrffic track record when it comes to hiting something smaller than the side of my fortress. They don't do so well with swords, either. Who cares about real life? GENRE SAVVY! If the Idiot Ball is a physical object, I will take steps to weaponize it. I will also take steps to contain the weapons-grade stupidity seeping out of the weapon. It just won't do to have minions forget that the skinny end is the one that hurts (or you keep the ring and throw the ball). If my EvilPlans involve immersing myself in The Lifestream, I will first dip a toe in to see what happens. I will also wait an hour after eating to enter. Female minions will be given more protective equipment than metal lingere'. o detailed here Failure will be punished by demotion and a round of brainwashing, rather than summary execution. Dead minions can't fight. Besides, brainwashing is fun! When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they do not work together. I will make it clear that anyone caught browsing a dirty magazine, playing a videogame, talking on his mobile phone, or napping while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in. All Artifacts of power and relics will be destroyed along with all ruins that contain lost magic; those things are always a thorn in the side of every major Evil Overlord. I will have guards trained to reconize moving bushes. I will not use radiation or any radioactive materials in my lair; it is expensive enough to make specialized suits to resist radiation from Material X, not to mention that if there is a meltdown to a reactor it will cause terrible PR even if it is in an isolated area like a forest or the mountains, I don't want the EPA on my ass about killing off poor bunnies and forest animals from the explosion or the ensuing fallout. I may be an Evil Overlord, but even I have enough common sense. Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on. o Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage. Minions will have their weapons intergrated into their armor, such as helmet-mounted pistols and Arm Cannons. Armor will also be equipped with a toxin injector, the venom of which will be tailored not to hurt that minion (or their identical twin). Therefore, if a hero attempts to pull the old "clothing swap trick", he will get poisoned, and he will not be able to divest my minions of their guns. o Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will

have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc. o If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or develop and immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn. I will make sure factory by-producs and mine tailings are properly disposed of. Living in the middle of Mordor, while great for atmosphere (figuratively, of course), just screams "He's fuckin' evil!!!" I will make it clear to Eagle Land and the pale-skinned folk that I reconize neither their apparent "right" to police the world nor their supposed "Natural Superiority", and if they want me to cough up the MacGuffin or dissassemble my superweapons, they've got another thing coming (It'll be riding an ICBM and will be able to take out a city). Moreover, if they want to come over and take it/her/them, they're gonna have a fight on their hands. o However, I will only do this if I can actually back up my threats. Saddam Hussein learned the hard way that challenging such a foe who has you thoroughly outclassed in every respect is suicide. I will not attempt to bluff the bigger fish. Instead, I will do everything possible to make sure I am too small for them to care about. Propaganda is for the consumption of my subjects, not the rest of the world. o Corollary: I will never believe my own propaganda. It's one thing for my army to think they can beat Eagle Land, but I must never imagine that I can if I can't. If I ever go a-conqueringyou know, just me and the guys, as a mid-Sunday hunting tripI will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious on the throne in my abscence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the kingdom is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck him up. o Also, if I find an abandoned baby, I will make sure to adopt him/her before it ends up getting Raised by Wolves. Those guys are always trouble. If I am dying and want to continue my plot by Brain Uploading, the supercomputer better have access to the internet or another area so I will not be bored in my confinement to a machine and I can create a copy or escape elsewhere. If there are any hostages important to the hero I will execute them immediately instead of stowing them somewhere they could be found, If confronted by the hero. I will lie and say that they are alive somewhere dangerous, luring the sod into a deathtrap or ambush. On the off chance that rage empowers or motivates the hero and he escapes to confront me, I will be well prepared with an escape route which will be destroyed upon my escape. If I have to create a computer virus, I will also create a program to circumvent the use of it on my own machinery, and if the enemy reverse engineers it by modifying the coding, the very same program will be based on the same source code to neutralize all assaults from that computer virus in general. Chimeras are a no go, even though it may seem interesting to mix and match creatures and play with life in general, they are still beasts and highly unpredictable.

Collaries if they must be used They should be kept in confinement cages in a hallway and then set upon the hero at once when he enters, said cages must be durable enough so that they do not injure my henchmen. Said henchmen will not be allowed to feed or interact with them; there will be tubes for food and water above each cage. Henchmen who tease and anger them will be reprimanded as a warning and executed by me if they repeat their mistake. I will have alternate hallways and exits for henchmen if the Chimeras are loose. I will not make one strong enough that it will break free and run amok in the base, destroying everything and attacking my men, nor will I let it free myself. It will be kept under lock and key with a keycode and a piano and will only be released as a last resort. Before creating it though there must be a way how to kill it on the off chance it turns on me or joins the hero. The research lab that they are born in will only be a temporary stay for several weeks before being transported, I don't want them growing up and destroying a good research facility that I probably spent millions on. I will not make them part machine, even though it may seem easier to clean up after them, and are more durable than most, it is lengthy and expensive, and their machinery could be fried if the hero uses some type of electrical weaponry which would cause them to go amok or just short them out in general. However, if that "I created you so you can't touch me" thing is going on, I will use them. I will make sure to find the fine line between Awesome, but Impractical and Awesome But Practical, and never cross it. A Base on Wheels or an Airborne Aircraft Carrier may sound cool, but what about dirt roads and air pockets? Or interceptors? Or nuclear land mines? (come to think about it, even a man-portable nuke can take out a superheavy) I will only use massive and insanely complex vehicles and/or weapons if I know I can make them work. I will not use a door-lock system that de-activates when the hero kills everyone in the room. Instead, when s/he kills the last person, the room will collapse. I will make all my minions pass psych eval and IQ tests. Idiot minions generally forget orders, and respond to such orders as "Kill her" or "Strap him down" with "But datz mean, boss..." Insane minions will only be allowed if they're of the amusingly mad type, and kept the fuck away from anyone or anything important. I will not give my favorite /firstborn kid a cool theme name like "Mordryd" and my other kids throwaway names like Jimmy. Given the ammount of bickering evil children are prone to, Mordryd's probably gonna get a pen in the eye and the minions are gonna have to learn how to serve a guy named "Lord Jimmy" with a straight face. I will keep careful records of all the towns I pilliage, and will do so only when nescessary. Nothing pisses the hero off like finding out that the complete massacre of his hometown was an average weekend out for me. I will make sure to keep my priorities in order: o Priority number 1: My own life, comfort, and safety (except in a plan that ends with my death, which I should keep in mind, is the FINAL step of the plan, and should only occur at such a time.)
o

Priority number 2: My EvilPlans. No, killing the hero is NOT as important as furthering my own goals, except when they are directly threatening Priority Number 1. o Priority number 3: My reign of terror, also maintaining my Legions of Doom. For that matter, switch 2 and 3. I can always come up with another Evil Plan if my current one fails, but if I lose what power I have already, it'll take a lot of planning just to get back to square one. My EvilPlans should be for the purpose of maintaining and expanding my life and reign of terror, not the other way around. o Priority number 4: The hero. (Remember to be pragmatic here. No need to play fair, or anything. Take advantage of his/her inherent naivete and weaknesses.) Never confuse this with Priority Number 1. Because trying to take the hero with you is a good way to get killed. o To summarize all these lists into something easy to remember: I will not be a damned fool. I will not be overly prideful. I will not side with or attempt to control anything bigger, better, or more powerful then I am. I will take reasonable and reliable precautions whenever available. I will NOT be a damned fool. I will do everything in my power to stop the hero or heroes, and I will make sure I don't give them any advantages. I will make sure my Legions of Doom are loyal, intelligent, and skilled (And Equal Opportunity employment.) I will be attentive and careful at all times. I will not have any moral or ethical code that might inhibit me from taking every advantage I can get my hands on. I will stay up to date on any important development. Most importantly, I will keep in mind the fact that I am not Immortal, Invincible, or in any way unstoppable, because I am, in fact, unfortunately mortal. I call them "mooks", but really, they will all be highly-trained badasses. Access to any area of the base that could be remotely important will require a full palm scan, retinal scan, key card, voice recognition, and a password of at least 9 random digits. The scanners will be programmed to tell if someone is dead, in case the hero tries to carry somebody's dead body to the scanner. In the event that I am ever bottled, I will ensure that I am either unconscious or have some outside means of entertainment, (or better yet, can leave the universve altogether until the release). Also, if someone has released me demanding power, I will not kill him/her immediately, instead I will use his knowledge of the different time period, and give him a high position when I regain my authority. I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives. Noting is more dissapointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a wounded animal nearby and he 'had to nurse the poor thing back to health'. Upon further consideration, I WILL offer a bounty to any henchman who captures the Hero. The bounty will be offered to all who assist in this capture. I will, however, pay in goods other than cold hard cash, to prevent inflation. If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and NOT kill them once they are no longer useful. It worked for Warlord Zsinj. If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be retargeted.
o

My fortress will not have bad muzak (like there's such a thing as good muzak). I will also make sure to get suggestions for the background music, and not have it all pop or Three Chords and the Truth, but rather a mix of all genres we can all live with. People are less effective when thinking "I hate this friggin' song". Minions also fight harder to Metal than Teenybopper, so when the alarm goes off, the background music instantly switches to a sufficiently awesome Heavy Mithril album, for example, Gods of War. I will keep all new weapons top secret until I develop armor that protects against it. If I know where the Sword of Plot Advancement and Forged by the Gods armor are, and am unable to use them due to those Darkness-awful Morality Locks (or destroy them outright), I will booby trap them so nobody can use them against me. The last thing I need is some Mary Sue (especially a Canon Sue) weilding my Achilles Heel coming at me just before I complete the final Human Sacrifice needed to turn me into a God of Evil. o If, by any chances, they are stored underground / in deep caves / some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area. Also, if possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement filled area after I make sure there are no barracks that have accidentally formed somehow. On top of the most likely area that the item will be and dug down to, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases or issues, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, payed for by me and my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but a person will indeed get it into his head to dig down into basement and I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down. If I am accountable to a superior, and I have failed him, I will not blame my failure on my minions or colleages, nor will I ask for a paycheck or a raise. This often leads to you being executed, as a common trait of Starscreams is that they care more about themselves than their employer. I will instead take full responsibility for my failure. Destroy humanity. They're just not worth the effort of enslaving, really. o But make sure to absolutely destroy them, or else they'll bit you back, HARD. It pretty much answers itself. If one lone scientist warns me that my latest plan will unleash horrifying forces upon me, I will put him on my top advisory committee instead of trying to discredit him. Rather than trying to fufill prophecies, I will stay the heck away from them. The last thing I need is for a group of fanatics pointing out that I'm acting like a Nikolai Carpathia expy.

Given a choice between killing a specific high-ranking enemy with a 30 megaton ICBM, and a gun, I'd choose the gun. It does put me in danger, but it's the only way to bypass his Plot Armor. All protagonists who attempt to kill me will be given a computer with Internet access as a reward. And this will be the Home Page. That ought to give me enough time to reach my Escape Vehicle and start the self-destruct sequence. I will found, christen, donate to, and attend charity events of an animal hospital and adoption center regularly. This will not only boost my PR, but the heroes will waste time trying to find out what sort of sinister reason there is that would justify my involvement. If the heroes try to bring it down, not only will they find that there wasn't anything suspicious happening there, but also makes them look much less heroic in the eyes of the public for destroying the place that takes care of all those helpless animals. Unless I am SURE that this universe has a Lost Aesop, I will refrain from pointing out any contradictions, grey areas, or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code. Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves. If I'm aware that my death will triggers whatever nonsensible force to collapse my Supervillain Lair, I will make sure this also applies with all The Empire public structures such as aqueduct and mine shaft (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions people. o That, or triggers a Doomsday Device which will detonate immediately after my Video Will / Nice Job Breaking It, Hero gloat ends, and my death means The End of the World as We Know It. Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of porn swing open when the hero steps through the laser sensor. All magazines will be coated in poison, so once he flips through his favorite naughty puplication, he drops dead. I merely need to display his corpse with a deathgrip on a Hentai for the ire of the masses over his death to fade into "I can't beleive we idolized that perv". o I will have a large ammount of said poison waft into the air when the shelf opens, just in case wonderboy happens to be one of those bloody chaste heroes. I will aslso have a vaccum chamber just after the poison porn, just in case he packs a gasmask. I can simply plant a naughty book on him afteward. o I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an antieavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks. If the hero has a particularly gentle, nice, and sweet companion, I will not torture or otherwise provoke him/her. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally. The first thing that my Legions of Terror learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still out in the open during a firefight is not going to help their life expectancy. If body armor cannot protect my minions, I won't issue it. What's the point?

If this is true, I will also help them to look stylish, if there's no point in armor, making them look cool can make them killable but not disposable. If I manage to capture one of the heroes, I figure out what kind of weakness allow me to capture this one at first. Then perform other methods like psychic interrogation, DNA scanning and computer simulations to futher discovery on their weaknesses and abilities. This data will then be present at the next advisors meeting for analysis and exploiting it. o If the reason I can capture this one make no sense, it's possibly a trap. I will continue the experiment process but with great caution. o The range of experiment will be decide depend on the captive. For instance, Child Mage or The Hero's little sister are unlikely to provide much useful information by physical examination and better use for bargain. I will only consider full surgical dissection if the captive is The Hero or The Ace. Or a vivisection if I need the subject alive after the study is complete. I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no acess to equipment above the starters. o This also applies to Anti Villains who are playing my security for fools. If this fellow can out-smart / out-plan my Inner Circle and I, We can probably put him to good use. Especially if he's stealing out of my trophy case. I will refrain from using the standard supervillain insults. "Imbecile" and "You Fool!", A) Lower minion self-esteem, and B) while they get the point across, are cliche'. o I will never directly insult the Minion's culture or race. The individual is weak, the whole is insurmountable. If I am the Villain in a Porn With Plot, I will not be one of those idiots who screws 24 /7. The body has enough blood to fuel the brains or the nether regions, not both. o I will also never expect someone to sleep with me, or so much as rest their head in my lap, to prove their loyalty. o If I have a creepy fetish, such as black leather and chains, schoolgirl uniforms, or animal costumes (or even worse, all three at once), I will get my personal psychologist to invert my kink into a "don't go there" to take advantage of Good People Have Good Sex. Exceptions for Conveniently Common Kink or actually being a humanoid animal. However, if this is a Safe, Sane and Consensual Author Tract where the villain is expected to have boring sex, I'll nail whoever I want however I want (if my partner/s agrees to it and is at least 18, of course). o No using genetic engineering for said creepy fetishes. If I've got to go through such waste for sex toys, I should step down. If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom then force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord." A Backstabbing wife can be dangerous to have around, but she can provide necessary training. If I never relax in her company, I less likely relax when hero comes to assasinate me. o If the hero does manage to kill me, I will use the hidden weapon, I have on my person, not on the hero (he will probably dodge it any anyway,) but at the said backstabbing wife. My Final Speech will be: "Did you a favor." Then die.
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Should I discover an alien planet with sentient life hostile to my goals, I will genetically engineer a plague that works on them (and ONLY on them) and kills after 24 hours as well as a temporary cure. This plague shall be carefully engineered and tested to ensure that it cannot, under any circumstances, infect humans. Still, I will ensure that my minions (and myself) wear special bio-hazard suits outside of a few sterilized area into which aliens cannot go. After the population is infected and enough have died for them to be worried, I'll offer the 24 hours worth of antidote every day in return for a lifetime of free slave labor. Any who refuse will, obviously, be left to die. o If the universe I happen to be in also has necromantic magic, I will also make burying or incinerating the corpses of the dead slaves punishable by death. That way, I have a group of meat-puppets to use in gas-filled parts of the mines. Before I do this, however, I will do detailed research on the burial customs and death rituals of my new slave race, and avoid violating them horribly. I will also be careful to avoid abusing them or making it obvious that they are my slaves. While quashing their rebellion would, obviously, be only a matter of witholding the medication for 48 hours, there's no point in giving the heroes the opporunity to cause havoc in my empire. I will pretend to care for my minions to keep morale up, but in actuality I will be sure that I do not, in any way, care about them. That way, I won't go crazy should they turn against me. I'm looking at you, Azula. If there is an indigenious tribe near my secret military installation, I will ally with them by making them dependent on whatever technology or substance I have to offer them in exchange for helping me fight the resistance and training soldiers how to fight using their primitive weapons so that Rock Beats Laser will work in my favor. If their ecosystem has a shared consciousness, I'll deliberately feed it false memories implicating the resistance in destroying the environment of my home country or planet. o If said shared consciousness extends to the ''entire damn planet'', includes the resistance's minds, and/or is otherwise impossible/impractical/dangerous to trick, I will reverse my environmentally-unsound practices and declare the place a national park. It's good for PR, and a shared consciousness could be a valuable ally. If I'm not already batshit, I will at least pretend to be so I can plead insanity at my trial. I will have a suggestion box outside my office. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything the mooks stuff in there, but it will raise morale. o Alternatively, I will read the suggestions. Who knows? They might actually have a point. Mooks will have their libido supressed to nil while on duty, regardless of gender. This will allow me to use the money the other overlords are using for the base whorehouse for weapons R&D, and solve the problems arising from accidentaly having Limpwrist squad or the Amazon Brigade guarding the hero, and make every one of my minions Ignore The Fan Service. If the Green Rocks my Mad Scientist team is using in their research causes horrendous mutation, but also can be used to do magic, I will make sure to have the devices powered by it be bulletproof and make uniforms insulated against its radiation before having what amounts to little more than a bottle of the stuff and a handful of wires strapped to someone's arm.

I will watch Burn Notice religiously and take notes on everything that Michael Westen does, including what details to research that are left out of the show. That information is invaluable for either setting up plans and/or counters of my own, or anticipating wht the hero might do and take the appropriate actions. The architect who planned my top-secret dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C. I will train regularly with my (most loyal) troops (using blunted weapons) and will not expect them to always lose to me. Instead, I will concentrate on genuinely improving my own abilities, until I am able to use The Dragon as my sparring partner on a regular basis. Not only will this improve our working relationship, but it will mean that in the event that he dies or Heel Face Turns, I am capable of holding my own against him and/or his killer. On a similar note, I will suggest to The Dragon that he teach an apprentice, or at the very least, train The Brute and any Psychos For Hire we may contract. This will help to increase group cohesion, and will also ensure that in the event that any one of the above Heel Face Turn, I will have at least one individual on staff capable of killing, or at least seriously injuring them. I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/Angelic, or like any sort of Beast Man will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes. I will make sure that The Dragon is not my only capable servant. The Brute will be a Genius Bruiser and a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least friendly rivals) with The Dragon, so that I can send them both after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the Mooks he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a A Father to His Men, or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not inadvertently sabotage them (and after all, he's likely to be my most loyal follower to boot, so why risk offending him?). My Evil Genius will be allowed to comment on any aspects of the plan that he thinks needs work (why have an Evil Genius otherwise?) and will also be given any cybernetic upgrades, Powered Armour, Super Serum, biological modifications, or Mecha-Mooks that he feels are necessary to give him combat abilities similar to those of The Brute and The Dragon. The Dark Chick will be a Chick. Specifically, she will be my Victorious Childhood Friend who has been playing Risk with me and helping me plan to conquer the world since we were five years old. She will be able to hold her own with the boys, and will have eyes only for me. As we are absolutly made for one another, I will of course listen to her advice (and adding a female viewpoint might not be a bad idea). At least one of the above will be a suitably Cold Sniper who can take The Hero down, without having to close in physically. If I am a Magnificent Bastard, other members of the Five-Bad Band will have Manipulative Bastard, The Chessmaster and The Trickster characteristics spread out among them. Not only will it prevent me from having to do all the work, but it will mean that there are multiple people who can point out problems with my plans. None of them will be a Smug Snake, or if they are they will be of Lord Cutler Beckett level effectiveness, meaning that they are still useful to me, and will have plans only slightly less brilliant than my own.

They will all be Dangerously Genre Savvy, and know that betraying me will only ensure their own defeat in the long run. I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can. I will not, under any, ANY ciricumstances, squander a superpowerful female soldier, loyal to me due to love and capable of one-shotting tanks by looking at them funny, by having her destroy herself in an effort to kill the entirety of my enemy's military. Especially if the enemy has one more or less just like her. I shall find a way to keep her in the field. Superpowerful women - loyal ones particularly - are extremely hard to come by. I'll make sure to... reward her as I (and, quite importantly, she) sees fit. This takes care of both my powerful superweapon and lovelife departments. Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to popular character types would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things. o That's what leutenants exist for. If the Overlord finds out there's no underlings competent enough to pull such side-projects and loyal enough to put them in charge of that much, this should be considered an emergency in and of itself. If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than just stealing it. That way, if it fails, I can finger-point. I will offer top-notch dental and medical benifits, as well as a GI's Grant. Loads of people sign up for that sort of thing. o As a corollary to all the benefits I will offer, I will make sure that everyone knows about these benefits. That way when I tell The Hero that We Can Rule Together, he can't say something clever like "Yeah right, I know the way you treat your minions." I will invest in man portable miniguns, and make them standard issue. That way, I've got More Dakka and Everything's Better with Spinning without sacrificing Revolvers Are Just Better. Close-combat weapons will be chainswords. I will also see about cramming these onto armored vehicles. If, for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will not use 500 Mooks pointing pistols at him. This not only consumes space, but makes it more likely that the bullets will hit other mooks or myself, as per Conservation of Ninjutsu. I will not use a single highly trained marksman, as the hero will most likely be able to dodge bullets. Instead, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse. If I know of a possible hero beginning his quest, I will make sure to fill his group of True Companions with my minions. The Non-Human Sidekick will be the Sleep Mode Size of one of my hulking guard-beasts. The Obi-Wan will follow my Religion of Evil, and will surreptitiously leave details out, like the fact that the Seven Prismic Jewels, when put in the altar, will give me ultimate power instead of summoning my weakness. Not only will the scantily-clad Action Girl be a Horny Devil in my employ, the Staff Chick will be one, too. Betty and Veronica as Morton's Fork, plus a subversion of Sensible Heroes, Skimpy

Villains. I'll even have the travelling shopkeeper giving the hero weapons that will selfdestruct on my command. None of these will be implemented until the hero had defeated my weakest form, and I pretend to die instead of going One-Winged Angel. They will also all have anti-Heel Face Turn measures taken. In the event that the hero is able to fight off the entire rest of his Five-Man Band, plus all his quirky allies, they will all be "revealed to be evil copies," and the hero will "free the real ones." These will all be clones with the exact same powers and programming as the originals, but that will be a little sneakier this time. All weaponry that can overheat and explode in my face will have a tempurature-operated failsafe, that will render the weapon completely inoperable if removed or tampered with, except for repairs/upgrades (and no, jamming a coin in the fuse slot will not work). Said weapon will also have a simple yet effective cooling system. Any weapons that are powerful enough to one-shot my fortress will be permanently pointed outwards from it. If the ammo for this fortress-killing gun could be wired to explode, and still destroy my fortress, I'll put it in a bunker far enough away that the explosion will only destroy said bunker. My doomsday devices will not have a lengthy charge-up time, and will have a countdown timer just for show. They will be ready to use as soon as the hero waltzes into my control room. In addition, the conspicious 'off' button will activate the device immediately. If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the Ominous Pipe Organ. I will familiarize myself with the technique known as Obfuscating Stupidity, and I will use it frequently. If the hero is Genre Savvy, he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill. I will bring Mooks into my army by funding their education at my nation's top school, thereby ensuring they are intelligent and capable of quick thinking. I will put them through Training from Hell, and I will use it to forge them into one large group of True Companions. I will also select the best soldiers for membership in an elite group based on the US Marine Corps, and they will be the first responders to any emergency. o This elite force will not be the first enemy the heroes face in a large-scale battle. On the contrary, I will arrange my armies with the least capable soldiers in the front and have the most Badass soldiers as my personal bodyguards. By the time the heroes reach them, they will have exhausted their energy on my immense army. o If the "Stop Having Fun" Guys bitch about you "cheating" if you beat them while using a tactic, it becomes SOP. I will always value a small force of capable people (read: able to cause more than a few minutes' setback to the hero) over a vast army consisiting largely of weaker mooks. While I admit that low maintenance cost is certainly a draw, I am not getting my money's worth if the hero dispatches my minions without easily or I am forced to shoot them myself as they come to me to report their failure. Even if I wanted to use their high numbers for terrorizing the populace, it creates bad precedent if my minions are seen as incompetent jerks rather than representatives of my own fearful self. I need the hero and others to think twice before attacking anyone wearing my uniform, rather than gaining self-confidence through small victories against my forces. If I am some form of vampire, I will calculate the amount of nourishing substance I need per day, divided by the amount one person can safely give. Multiply that number times

the number of days it takes to fully recover from the draining. This tells me the minimum number of willing donors I should cultivate. (Un)life is much easier when I'm not leaving corpses all over the place. o If my bites suck, I will take steps to fix this, or at least explore topical anasthesia. If my bites turn people into new vampires, I will do everything within my measures to fix this. It thins out my foodstock and creates more potential vampiric evil overlords to concurrence me. Collory if my type of vampire induces a hivemind structure. o My donors will be treated very well, and compensated for their service. They will most certainly not be treated like cattle. The more I put into making them loyal, the more power I have. They will not only not help any misguided heroes slay me and end the good thing we've got going, they might recruit friends. o Summation: Inferior species or not, my particular food source has thoughts and feelings. I'd do well to remember that. o I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of sparkling. It draws a lot of fangirls to me that can be used to form my army (see above) while convincing almost everybody else that I am not a real vampire and thus not a threat. On the other hand, it ravages my credibility. I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation. If my pet Mad Scientist manages to cook up a group of Frankensteins Monsters or nonhuman-based Super Soldiers that happens to have full sentience, with all the emotions and capacity for grudge-holding that entails, I will make sure to post a non-discrimination clause in the next set of Edicts. It would be disastrous if they turned on The Empire (or worse yet, sided with The Hero) because I let them be treated as sub-human. Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power. If I have to poison someone with a drink, I should have a drink that is a different color than the person I'm trying to poison. Or alternatively, use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two cases have the added advantage that I can poison both drinks so the hero can't switch them. o If more than two people are there, this rule applies to my minions too. Of course, if I have been reading this, I have taken precautions necessary to avoid having to use a One-Winged Angel form anyways - this is a last resort. But if I happen to have a One-Winged Angel form I am aware of, I will make sure, if possible, to actually test it for combat performance BEFORE taking on The Hero. If the form ends up hindering me instead, it shall NOT be used. Similarly, I shall make sure to check if my One-Winged Angel form is compatible to fight the hero. So, if I can transform into a shadow demon immune to nigh all harm, but who covers at the mere mention of a holy spell, and my enemy happens to be a holy paladin, this form shall NOT be used. Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its

purest, or that possessing it carries with it a croppling vulnerabity towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality. Facing The Hero is of course preferable to avoid, but if am driven to do so, and if I/My Humongous Mecha/whatever I use to fight The Hero happens to be almost invulnerable, but possesses a weakness only revealed when a particular attack is used, it goes without saying this attack shall NOT be used (unless he somehow manages to attack through the armor anyways), even if I have to punch the sucker to death. This sounds pretty obvious, but you wouldn't believe how many Nigh Invulnerable Evil Overlords lose their lives because they decided to put their precious time before their safety and blast the hero down with their special attack, leaving themselves wide open. o It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a room full of deadly traps that can kill me. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's bloody retarded. Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT. If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers. I will always remember the motto: "Overkill is good, overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the bieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site. Spikes of Villainy will be used, especially if the hero is a Personal Space Invader My prison guards will be under a general order to never leave their post unless ordered by me personally; they will also be ordered to keep this order a secret and to feign obedience if told to leave their post until out of earshot, at which point they will call for backup. Loud alarms in my base are reserved only for when an approaching army is sighted. If an infiltrator or The Hero is sighted, a silent alarm will be raised and guards will simply visibly patrol - but not appear to notice, let alone chase after - the infilitrator, instead using the visible patrols to force the infiltrator into the dungeon, where they will be met with a full complement of my Elite Guard. If I build a secret room into a house, it will be underground, not behind a secret wall where anyone with a blue print or a decent sense of dimensions and spatial relations can spot it. My security cameras will be placed in such a way that the hero cannot be out of sight by standing directly under the camera mounting. Just in case a hero has someone to take the bullet for them, I will always have an extra bullet more than I need to execute heroes. Furthermore, I will capitalize on the time it takes the hero to hear the rescuers last words to line up my next shot and kill him. Everyone will be accountable for their movements, and everyone must be accounted for at all times. Besides my closest advisors, everyone's whereabouts must be kept tracked. Therefore, I will use a hidden finger scanner on all doors and before all traps, to allow for easy access for me and my close advisors, so safe escape is possible. I will also

implement a non-hidden two key card system for anyone else. Any guards that have to pass through a trapped area must clock in before their shifts before being allowed clearance to go anywhere. They will be given a key card with a certain number of allowances. Each allowance, when swiped through the scanner, disables one trap or opens one door one time. Each guard will be given exactly how many allowances they need for any particular shift. Guards will travel in groups, each guard in a group will get a portion of the total amount their group needs, so if at any point a guard is killed and their key stolen, they will not get far. Allowances are specific to one area and must stay within that area. The second card will be the safety card. Each guard will be required to frequently and regularily swipe their safety card at a specified time and at specified intervals, the schedule of which is to be kept a personal secret, different for each guard. Should these intervals not be punched, or punched at the wrong time, an alarm will immediately be triggered. If a guard does not punch in or out for the day, an alarm will be triggered. If a person is out of allowances and tries to use more, an alarm will be triggered. If allowances are used in the wrong area, an alarm will be triggered. With all of these steps in place, it is literally impossible to kill a guard and eventually not trigger an alarm. Local bands will be screened for magical instruments they just happened to find at a garage sale or the local pawnshop. Any band that has one, I will hire immediately to do my theme music, thus adding Power of Rock to my arsenal. If the history of my world follows a series of cycles, especially those of a metaphysical nature, I'll establish a special team of experts to find a way to break the cycle without losing my empire. If they insist that the end of my rule is inevitable, I'll search for a way to A) fake my death, B) establish a cult promising my messianic return, and C) preserve my body until the world is once again ready for me to take over. I will order all copies of this document, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference. You know those things that Firefigters wear that sounds an alarm when they don't move for more than a minute, or fall flat? The mooks should have those too. As an alternative to fark.com's Rule 19, I will offer a bounty for the hero's capture. However, it will be made clear that if the capture was a collective effort, then each participant will be well rewarded. It'll be a little pricier, but who cares. With the hero out of the way, I'll have all the money I want. It's an investment. If the setting allows, I will turn myself into a powerful, free-willed undead who can ressurect after being killed again, such as a Lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. My Soul Jar, will of course, be under heavy guard in an unbreachable room, with doors that only be opened from inside. If possible, I will construct multiple Phylacteries. o Disguise is also very effective at keeping one's Phylactery safe. Making them out of simple bricks and throwing them into the construction materials will ensue that they are never found. If the object in which I have stored most of my power/my life can only be destroyed in one particular area, that area will be heavily guarded 24/7. I don't care how unlikely it is that the heroes would make it there, if there's even a 1 in 1000,000 chance, then it's not worth taking. If the place happens to have only one entrance, it will be guarded by a door

that is magically sealed to open only to me and some especially trusted (and probably mind-controlled) minions. If possible, I will hire the Slender Man and Candle Ja... *herm* Mr Candle. Did somebody call my name? I'll be happy to work for you since I have become a Discredited Meme. My soldiers will immediately destroy any towers and church steeples they encounter, as these are great sniper-blinds. I will not torture or kill the Hero's True Companions in front of him. This limits the chance that his hidden powers, Deadly Upgrade, or Superpowered Evil Side will activate and kill me. I will take special care not to provoke the hero after I have the fight won. If the hero absolutely must be taken alive, I will do everything in my power to break his resolve, and take no chances at restoring it. I will have a large group of highly-trained snipers guarding all sides of my fortress from any conceivable angle. One third of them will have laser sights. The rest will have scopes. All powered armor, mechs, and battleships (both of the seafaring and spacegoing variety) will have point-defenses, even if such measures are largely worthless. Better safe than sorry. Besides, it's the thought that counts, and it will make them think twice about jumping onto the cockpit and firing their gun/ insanely overpowered bow at point-blank if an independantly-targetet minigun can saw them in half before they even land. o This also applies to my fortress. Repeat after me: I will not shoot the messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. No matter how bad the news they have brought me is. While this is an excellent way to enforce my evil credentials, it creates several practical problems. For example, if I kill everyone who brings me bad news such as "the Hero has stolen the MacGuffin", then they will waste valuable response time arguing over who has to tell me. And as I need to hear things like that promptly so I can launch missions to get the Mac Guffin back with speed, or react to any bad news given with similar alacrity, I will be pleasantly apathetic to any messenger, no matter what news they bring. That way, no one will care whether they get messenger duty or not. However, it will be made clear that every messenger must move as fast as they can on pain of severe punishment (or permanent desk duty, whichever they think is worse). I shall avoid the idiocy of that Australian strategist who defected to the Muge Empire and not treat the women who decide to join me out of love as disposable. I also will not be a Bastard Boyfriend to the one I keep and drive her away from to the point she does a Heel Face Turn, and if I happen to screw up and leave one alive so she can later hold me at gunpoint, I will not laugh insanely and claim A God Am I. Instead, when she asks me if I really did feel something for her, I will, depending on her gullibility, tell her I did have feelings, I had a change of heart, then get her to join me as another henchwoman, or, assuming she isn't that forgiving, still claim I had feelings for her, but use the time while I frame my response to shoot her before she can reconsider shooting me. o What do you mean "no evil laughing"? Why else does an evil overlord commit atrocities if not For the Lulz? If I must laugh, I will be sure the doors are locked and I am in absolute private. o Excuse me, I shall clarify. I shall do no evil laughing in a situation where some pissed off heroine whose leaning on the fence on whether I need to be shot gets

the resolve to do the deed while I'm laughing in her face. An Evil Laugh is perfectly fine as long as I have (A) suckered her into believing me and I'm later by myself or (B) after I shot her and I'm positive that she's dead. Then, I'll laugh all I want. Rule 4 will be not only my personal guideline, but also an official policy for my troops and guardians. There will also be a policy to always employ Double Tap. o Or, since even that might not be enough, I might as well empty an entire clip into my enemy, just to be safe. Rather than use the evil fortress approach, I will base my activities out of a reasonablysized office suite that hosts a variety of offices for more legitimate businesses. The heroes will be unable to attack my fortress that way without being guilty of slaughtering every other innocent person that works there. I will not employ large, slavering, black three-headed dogs who can be won over with honey to guard my Ultimate Weapon. Rather, I will employ small, fluffy squirrels, who just so happen to eat meat and travel in carnivorous packs, and will massacre the hero before he realizes his folly. I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot. If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, say a genie, and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being. If I encounter a life-form able to naturally weaponize the greatest weakness of both myself and my minions, I will ascertain if they intend to kill me or simply drive me off. If the former, I will have one captured and have my pet Mad Scientists tailor a plague to them. If the latter, so much the better, as I now have a way to build up an immunity, just pick on them every few days. However, if they act to impede me to a significant degree, and my sibling keeps dumping his/her incredibly loud and bitchy problem child on me, I will assume he/she's using me to permanently dispose of the kid and use it in a virginchild sacrifice to call forth an entity (or entities) able to dispose of the first group of lifeforms. If my sibling keeps his/her brat home, I will use my most incompetent minion. If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the "stronghold" in expectation of a climactic showdown with me, they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside. If I hear of a prophecy that says a certain person shall defeat me, I will NOT command my army to go out and kill every person that matches that description. I might end up missing one who'll get mad at my needless slaughtering and come to defeat me.

Should I discover how and thus decide to split my soul, I will NOT keep the parts in unique and glorious items. Instead, I will use grains of sand in the Sahara and the Atlantic Ocean, and a small chunk of ice in the Arctic. And a screw on one of NASA's deep space probes. o Or, if possible, the Earth itself. This would make me functionally immortal, and anyone attempting to kill me would have to destroy the Earth, thereby killing everyone on it, to do it- making me the lesser of two evils. o Alternatively, should I insist on using a unique/glorious/special/etc Soul Jar/s, I will not- repeat NOT- put these in places specific to my past and moments of power, such as a dreary cave where I scared two children from the same orphanage as I into permanent muteness, the old family home, and my old school. Instead, I will hide them in plain sight, such as a trophy room, for nobody would expect me to hide them where they could be easily obtainable. Should I ever meet the hero, I will instantly pretend to be my own "good" twin, then offer to lead them to my "evil twin's" lair. My mooks will "kidnap" me when we approach, and thus lead the hero and his party into a trap. I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero. I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress. I will not create my hideout to look as such, tempting as a large black fortress on a hill with its own weather would be. It will look very normal outside and mostly in, except it will be quite large (on the inside only, naturally). This way, the hero won't be able to pick out my hideout immediately. This is why people make Elaborate Underground Bases. If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return. o If that person is albino and a Defector from Decadence, I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky. I will be aware that many of the suggestions on this list are a way of digging my own grave, such as the giant robot that is totally invulnerable (the hero will find some way to turn it on me at some point, taking control of it and leaving me with no way to fight back), and by the same means if there is a weak point the hero will find it. Therefore, I will never invest too much in one thing, and instead diversify, to keep him guessing. Furthermore, I shall note that as nice as it would be to have a perfect plan with no possible way of going wrong, I will keep in mind that nothing kills my credibility like a case of Orcus on His Throne, and will be sure to be enough a man of action to still get things done, even if everything isn't perfect, and there are still flaws for the heroes to exploit. I'll just keep the plans possible weakpoints in mind, and try to minimize them.

If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves sexual abuse or that my parents got me a different breed of pony than I had asked for. That way, the Hero will be forced to believe that my evilness is only because of my upbringing and not really my fault at all, giving me the opportunity to escape. o I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future. Above and beyond the warning about ventilation ducts, I will not include any structure, area, or design in any of my installations that serves no obvious architectural or aesthetic purpose besides allowing the heroes an alternate path no catwalks that go nowhere but provide footholds, no entirely pointless machinery to climb, no convenient handholds that serve no obvious purpose besides being convenient handholds. o I WILL however employ such installations as long as they lead into unavoidable death traps. o I will also avoid adding any area to my installations that cannot be accessed by my guards if needed. A valid alternative to the prior rule on prison keys is to place the Hero in a dungeon filled with loyal mooks disguised as horribly tortured and scarred prisoners. If we are operating on a tight budget, I will simply find very ugly townspeople (Preferably deaf too, Heroes always have a way of getting people to convert over...) who think the hero is a Complete Monster and give them a Savings Bond to be cashed in when I take over the world if they stay in a jail cell for a few hours. I will also be leaving the heroes' key and their keys within view of the hero. Odds are the Goody-Goody is going to try to free all of those poor souls, only to get shanked in the back the second he turns around. This WILL NOT work if we are dealing with a Blood Knight, Anti-Hero, or a Jerkass If I realize I exist in a video game (particularly a JRPG). I will not: o exploit a stable time loop (Sooner or later, some jackass is gonna try wind up ending the thing). o make a deal with the powers of hell. (It's HELL.) o mess up the balance between good and evil TOO badly (There's always a bigger fish, and usually they are very hungry). o use lucid dreaming to mind control a half human hybrid, Try to destroy the world with the powers of nothingness. o be an insane clown. o Do the Horizontal Monster-Mash with an alien space virus and try to blow up the planet (There are so many less Squicky ways...) o Realize I'm going to die eventually and collapse time so I exist in an ageless state of nothingness. (BOOOORING!) o try to fuse two planets together to rule over both (First one, then the other. Any other way and you're just spreading your resources too thin). o Try to Merge with a world-killing space-whale. o become a god dumb enough to end up in chains. o try to wreck half the planet just to piss off the gods (Preferably, one should get on their good side if they are JerkassGods).

or throw a suicidal temper tantrum that daddy left me and my 1 million siblings alone to run a shitty little utopia in the sky. o ALL of this has been done in the past, and none of them ended well for the Evil Overlords running the show thanks to a combination of Save Scumming, Designated Heroes, The Power of Friendship/Love, et cetera. At best, they should be referenced has lessons on what NOT to do. If Necromancy exists in my Universe, it might be prudent to have a word with these individuals, they may have failed, but they still might have some useful pointers as more experienced Overlords...Except the Clown...(The information will be taken with a grain of salt, after all, they are DEAD). Even if all my advisors agree that no-one could survive the blow I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure. If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid. There will be large area in my fortress that's used as a habitat for the aforementioned Horny Devils and Naughty Tentacles. Chance is, while I would like to have all mook with libido supressed, overcoming the strongest instinct may be impossible. And since neither rape nor harem are allowed in my empire, this area will be where my underlings take a visit when they're in heat. To maximize its usage, it will be impossible to get in inner area of my fortress without passing through this area. Whoever wants to get pass it without get dragged sideways must get my permission first, then there will be robots or golems (depending on setting) sent to escort them. The golems/robots will be built with a rare and precious metal that no rebel would dare thinking about building one from, yet are totally useless otherwise. The dwellers of the Pleasure area will be instructed to not bother with whoever is escorted by the golems/robots, but everyone else coming to this area are free game. I will even put large warning on the entrance, so if those heroes/heroines end up become playthings of the succubi, it won't count as rape. o And if possible, I will import said monsters from the world of The Monster Girl Encyclopedia. o Such entities will be transported in containers clearly marked "200 lbs. RAPE (rush delivery, live animal)", so no-one... screws with them. If I am told a prophecy that only one of my most trusted lieutenants can ever kill me, I will not order an assassination attempt on their family, thus antagonizing them into wanting to kill me and probably making him into a Hero by default, or order a hit on him that will entrage his family into taking up arms against me. I will instead give them an unlimited credit card that I pay the bill for, under the condition that it will be taken away from them if they move to/stay in my capital city. o This also applies to a prophecy of a certain forest making its way to my fortress. I'll have it clear-cut and turned into lumber, then shipped to a building site in... baisically, anywhere but my Empire. On second thought, I will have a giant barbecue for my subjects. Sending it elsewhere will just have it return in the form of battering rams. The ashes will be disposed of in the ocean, exactly halfway around the world away from me. All of my robot clones will be built to act like the real thing. Any robot that says something like "Good morning, Steven Ulysses Perhero. I am most definitely your sister, and not a clone designed by The Empire to spy on you." will be sold for scrap.
o

I will weigh the benefits and drawbacks of owning an outfit made from human skin. On the one hand, it ramps the Intimidation factor Up to Eleven. On the other, any selfrespecting human rights organization will not be pleased. I, too, will learn and master the art of "Quick Save" and "Quick Load." If the hero can manage this in the universe where I rule, surely I can figure it out as well. In the lobby of my fortress of evil, I will have all my gas-mask wearing, ultra-evil elite mooks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "Danger: Explosive!" The barrels will be filled with a poisonous gas which will not explode when shot, punctured, or thrown at high speed, but will fill the room with the instantly lethal gas, killing those which are not wearing gas masks. If I use mutated biological supersoldiers, I will not make the prototype my trusted lieutenant, due to being just that; a prototype; they have a tendancy to go insane. After field tests prove successful, I will kill him and raise a more stable, advanced version from infancy like my own child so that they won't grow up resenting me or become apathetic enough to betray their own family. I will tell them bluntly about their origins so they don't Go Mad from the Revelation later in life, but let them know it doesn't matter, and that I love them all the same (this will be a lie, however, forming attachments to someone you intend to send to war against the hero is asking for heartbreak, and engineered supersoldiers can be easily replaced when you have the formula). o Should I mass produce an army of them, I will actively make them weaker, less intelligent and more instinctual than the trusted one so he or she still feels as though they're the best, and the generic ones won't see him/her and become jealous and loathesome of us. As far as the generics go, I will Always adhere to rule 48, just in case. o Should I recieve word my trusted supersoldier has died in the field, I will request them to find their body and make sure they are, in fact, dead before I make a new trusted supersoldier, if they aren't dead and see me with their replacement, it will reveal my lies to both of them, giving me not one, but two new enemies. Having an ominous music that screams finality, nice as it is, tends to give the heroes the resolve to continue all the way through my citadel and confront me. Instead, when they invade, I will begin playing elevator music, which is much more likely to exhaust and depress the heroes (Resolving music is fine any other time, if you blast elevator music 24/7 your guards will permanently suffer the psychiatric effects of prolonged listening to it, the heroes are the targets, not the legion of evil). I will hire Asians, African Americans, Women, and Latinos into my Legion of Terror but no white males. When the hero comes to stop me I will inform every single civil rights group and female equality group I can find that there is a sexist white supremacist attacking my employees. o Sorry to poke a hole in your plan, but what if he points out to said organizations that you are being descriminatory yourself? o Scratch this, I will simply be an equal opportunity employer. As long as I have enough of the aforementioned categories in my army I can still play the civil rights card, but the hero will not be able to yell discrimination. When hiring new employees, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is neon pink. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.

I will take a fairly neutral stance on Transhumanism. It will not be mandatory, nor will non-modified citizens be discriminated against. It will also not be illegal to undergo Cyborgization or Bio-Augmentation. That way, I can tell if I'm in a No Transhumanism Allowed Author Tract; and adapt accordingly. If I catch a case of the Idiot Ball and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my Soul Jar, source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake Soul Jar or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it. If one of my Lieutenants turn out to be a Starscream, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate double-crossing-back-stabbers", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth. I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a children's card game. If I ever start a Monster Protection Racket, the Super Soldiers assigned to it will be mentally conditioned to react to certain words so they never cross me. These phrases will be taught to their handlers, who will be trained to only use them in the most direst of circumstances, in absolute private if at all possible. They will also be extensively studied if they are prone to horrible mutations from over-using their superpowers. The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan. I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth. If I use Gas Mask Mooks, I'll spring for air-supply type masks, rather than filter-cartrige. I mean, as long as we're giving our minions the best equipment we can... If my minions detect a creature parasitising energy from the entire planet, I will not give into my urge to use it to run my superweapon. I will tell them to build something to kill it, rather than super-parasitizing (a parasite that feeds on another parasite) said entity. Nothing good can come of letting such a creature live, nor will leeching off it end well. We'll see about using it as a battery when it's dead. If I don't by default, I will treat understanding love, kindness and altruism as missioncritical. If I just can't get it, I will know to quit while I'm ahead. I will resist building any Humongous Mecha, even if the Applied Phlebotinum required to make them work under the laws of physics is cheap. Chances are it can be used on my smaller, relatively Boring, but Practical weapons such as tanks, missiles, jet aircraft and helicopter gunships just as well, rendering them once again vastly superior. If my primary enemies are a bunch of female minors with powers based on love, purity and such I will keep in mind that they are specialized in dealing with demons, warlocks, general wickedness and any assorted horrors beyond normal human comprehension but

may be completely vulnerable to a bullet (or a missile) in the face. There is no need to meet them on their own terms, though making it appear that way by sending a demonic decoy with my hit squad is certainly an option. I'll also keep in mind that if my enemies are of this descriptions, I am in fact vulnerable to their powers for some reason, and any way of removing this vulnerability will be seriously considered, no matter my Evil Overlord status. o As an added note, if said female minors turn out to be absurdly powerful and said love-based powers include giant energy beams capable of vaporizing multiple city blocks at once, I will ensure that all of my operations from now on are covert, especially if they take the Nanoha method of befriending people. Chances are, if they make friends by beating the hell out of people, what they'd do to a bad guy is NOT pretty to think about. To add on to the "vaporizing multiple city blocks at once" thing, it might be interesting to run a campaign sensibilizing the general population to the ravages caused by such heroes, playing up the hypocrisy of declaring oneself a warrior of love/friendship/whatever while destroying everything in one's way. It could get the population on my side, which is always good to have. I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all blacksmiths/gunsmiths/whoever makes weapons or stuff that can be used as weapons. I will make it illegal for ordinary smithies to sell swords, polearms, pikes, maces, crossbows, guns, and other such weapons. All arms sales will be registered and tracked. They must be done through weapons makers I personally approve of and have licensed and registere. They must pass loyalty and psychiatric tests. o While I will let just about anyone buy a gun, they must pass psychiatric and Hero Trope Tests. All failing will be executed. Also, under no circumstances can any weapons shop sell arms that are as good as or better than what I give my minions. The weapons sold must be either incapable of dependably and effectively killing my minions. Any armor sold must be inferior to what I give my minions. I will have the only double action firearm in the realm. All firearms I issue my minions must have several safety mechanisms, I do not want to have people getting hurt by accident, nor do I want for a treasonous person to be able to just lift his gun and kill me without having to take time to ready his gun. o The safeties are as follows (Note: I will not issue my standard Mooks revolvers as they lack most safety mechanisms): #1: An external safety which prevents the slide from moving and must be manually actuated. This also may prove useful in the case of someone trying to assassinate me by stealing a gun from one of my minions. #2: An external safety on the grip which forces the user to hold the gun properly. This will improve marksmanship and stop guns from accidentally going off in holsters. #3: An internal safety which wholly covers the firing pin and blocks the hammer from falling. #4: An internal safety which blocks the firing pin unless the trigger has enough pressure on it. This will stop the gun from going off in case if it gets dropped.

All guns issued to my minions will be different from anything on the civilian market. No semiauto mimics, models, toys, or weapons operated and shaped the same way. All users manuals will be made in a language only me and my minions know. Cleaning kits will be issued separately from the guns and minions will be instructed to keep them separate from each other so that even if a gun is stolen, its usefulness will be limited. All guns used by my minions will be chambered for rounds which only they can use. This will prevent The Hero from stealing the weapons and being able to use them without having to face my army. If any guns or ammo are reported missing- even if it's a single pistol bullet or a small training carbine, this will be dealt with like a serious emergency. I will issue bayonets to all troops so that in case if they run out of ammo, they can still fight. Also, executing people with bayonets saves ammo and money. No railguns or laser guns, as these have less safety features than chemicalcartrige firearms. No matter how cool they look, mooks will not be issued flamethrowers, as they suck ass from both tactical and strategic standpoints. o I will invest in either a grenade launcher or shotgun (like the M203 or Masterkey) that can perform the rough job of a flamethrower. It's safer, and can do more after all, flamethrowers only burn. A Shotgun can be used to breach doors, and a 40mm can also fire smoke and high explosives, as well as gas. Flexibility helps. I will make sure that my Mooks are only issued guns which are either Boring, but Practical or Awesome yet Practical. All guns which are tacticool will be sold only to civilians or to foreign lands which I am trying to undermine. Tacticool is where form outweights function to such a degree that the weight of the accessories mounted on the gun is greater than the weight of the weapon when it is loaded. o In general, tacticool implies that something is very superfluous and is unneeded. Therefore, when I and my people are reviewing potential new weapons and models for my army, every single part will have to be labeled and given a purpose. If the part is impractical or extravagant, then it comes off, no questions asked. Alternatively, I can issue a few Awesome, but Impractical guns to lure the hero to get one and wield it, and subsequently prove no match for the more practical weapons of my minions. However guns that simply explode when fired are and will always be a more effective method. Above all, I must come across as a Necessary Evil, or I must be a Villain with Good Publicity. Maybe I sacrifice one in ten baby girls born every year, but I do that so that demonic invaders do not flood the realm a-la 40K. If I make it clear to everyone that my regime is the only thing between them and unimaginable horrors, then they will come to the conclusion that living with a Fascist dictator who oppresses them is much better than living in Hell On Earth under the reign of The Devil or any other such enemy of all that I am preferable.
o

I will consider the pros and cons of sending a loved one into the field where dying is a possibility. o The cons: Villainous BSOD, either from depression or by going into a blind rage at an innoportune time, a single burst of anger can make every precaution on this list moot. o The pros: The power of hate isn't something to be messed with, especially when I'm already strong. Shifting from a Complete monster to a Tragic monster will make the fans lose sight of who the real bad guy is. As well, when the heroes find said former complete monster mourning over their loved one's corpse, they'll stop for a moment to consider the true horror of what they've done...that's when I open the trap door to the spike pit. In inclusion to not screaming about immortality, I would do well to remember that in the grand scheme, there isn't such a thing as immortality, you can be invincible, you can be ageless, you can be both, but there will always be a way to shatter the magic and kill you, I will always keep this in mind no matter how assured my victory is. If I beat the heroes to any sort of McGuffin that doesn't involve my own plans, I'll destroy the thing on the spot, not throw it into my dungeon in an easily accessed spot, the only exception will be if destroying the artifact will remove my powers. I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans as soon as they're getting off the ground. If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, and kicking as many kittens as I want. o Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are wandering aimlessly or playing games at a carnival, I shouldn't wait for them to come to me before executing the final stage of my plan, I should just do it while they act like they have all the time in the world. If The Power of Love is an actual, meta-physical phenomenon in my universe, I will have my mooks paired off and sent out as Battle Couples. Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch The Simpsons episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his employees and so should I. My guns will look almost exactly like NATO-standard weapons - and not the Steyr AUG, but the M16, M4, FAMAS, anything by FN Herstal, or any other typically "good" weapon. Because those are the weapons of professionals - and while I'll probably have a fair amount of conscripts, but they'll be well trained and taken care of. o These weapons will have the safeties described above, and will also use different ammunition than their identical counterparts, and will only externally resemble them - for instance, it looks like an M14 Carbine with a STANAG magazine, but the inside is a totally different recoil/gas combination operation and it does not fire 5.56x45mm NATO, but some specialized round only my troops use and has penetration more akin to the 5.45x39mm used by the Soviets, if not 5.45mm itself. Sure, it's common, but producing my own ammo comes with a downside: I can't use everyone else's bullets. The corridor leading to my Artifact of Doom will be full of highly visible, sweeping laser beams that, using a complex pattern of dance moves, can be avoided. Breaking any of these beams will not trigger any alarm though. Their only purpose will be to distract

intruders from the grid of invisible laser beams, placed one centimeter from one another, as well as the sound, heat and motion detectors. o Also there will be several fakes dotted in my different bases with the same lethalities around them and any and all transfers of the fakes and real ones should be regarded as if we have the hero chasing us with a gigantic army of the biggest weakness we have, and given maximum security at all times. This will make sure I have multiple strengths and will not be destroyed permanently if the protagonist steals a power focus of mine, I can just kill the hero and get it back in no time. I will improve on every other villains ideas and potential villains ideas, including but not limited to this list. I will occasionally try to not be evil to be evil, but to follow the purposes taught at H.I.V.E., any and all proper Genre Savvy-educational facilities, and actually check this Evil Overlord List once in a while. That means villainy, meaning being well capable of actively using all means to get what I want, moral, amoral, or just plain off the scale, and 'evil' is the same thing as getting a little violent, rude, theftious, or otherwise malicious in general to get what you want. The other type of villainy is being evil just to be mean and evil. Should I attain victory, I will remember Victory is boring, and remember to stop myself from creating my own new nemesis just to keep me entertained; sports and video games work just as well to keep me occupied when there's nothing else to conquer. I will not deny or undermine the effectiveness of cake-based cooking songs as a form of torture. If I an in a world where there are multiple powers other than myself and my stated goal is not to explicitly to Take Over the World, I will always try to ensure that there is someone else out there who is a worse alternative than myself. In addition to the propaganda value for my minions and subjects, this will open up the opportunity to arrange a truce with the Hero as we take on a common threat. I can then manipulate the situation to my personal gain and relish every delicious moment of the Hero's angsty self-doubt over being forced into making such a morally questionable decision. o If I ever find myself in an Enemy Mine situation, I will not go back on any promises I have made to the Hero, either by actively backstabbing him or by endangering him through deliberate neglect. Being courteous and trustworthy in this one instance may be the only thing that saves me if I ever find myself at his mercy. I will not accept any one-sided agreements, and I will adhere to the Exact Words of our agreement and no more if doing otherwise does not directly benefit me. If the Hero gets himself killed through his own stupidity then that's one less problem I have to deal with in the future, and if he somehow succeeds then I can rightly claim that helping him in that particular instance was not in our contract. o No matter how tempting it may be, I will not enter into any sort of pact with said worse alternative. Such pacts inevitably end in betrayal, and I will most likely be targeted by the heroes merely by association. If I rise to power by being a Dragon Ascendant, I will not lash out if my former leader returns, odds are whatever helped him cheat death could turn me into a puddle of molten flesh in an instant. Instead, I'll return to serving him until I find what his weakness is and

then direct the heroes to it so I can get him weakened enough to take him out and reassert my new position (See example above about teaming up to get into the directing part further). I will not use a horde of tiny killing machines to pacify a planet. Especially if the item that makes them ignore my troops has to be calibrated every so often. If I use any sort of obscenely long and complicated deathtrap, I will make sure that, should escape ever be possible, I will have had it personally implemented. That way, when the hero thinks he's been smart and escaped through the Absurdly Spacious Sewer, or wherever it may lead, I will be waiting. With a gun. Mind Control: None of it, EVER, even the most complex mind control can be broken easily with a bit of effort, Love/Friends or what have you, and merely the act of doing it will send you down a very, very quick spiral to a Karmic Death. If I absolutely must have brainwashed henchmen, I will not give them the keys to my inner chambers. Before I send my assassins to kill someone I will give them bags full of hair trimmings my mooks have collected from the local barber shop or other random genetic material to contaminate the crime scene with. This shows I care about the well-being of my employees so they are less likely to betray me. Besides good assassins are hard to come by. I will keep up good PR. If I find out a child has been orphaned, I shall take him in and politely ask if any family in the land can take him in. Until such time happens, I shall teach this child and spend time with him. This puts me off as a ruler who cares for his subjects. Any people convicted of a crime, except for ones such as rape or mureder, shall be given a one time pardon, putting up a merciful mask. I will also make sure everyone can have a job, house, food, etc., and all poverty stricken areas are given immediate detection. That way, when said Hero or Rebel faction walks into the town to try and recruit, people will report him to the guards stationed nearby. After all, if your people are happy having you as a leader, why would they want to rebel against you? If I find out that said prophecized person has been born in a village/town/city, I will immediately give that city my full attention. I shall repair all buildings, sewers, and public buildings. I shall set it up so said Hero's father is governor of that area, and constantly send that family, along with other Governor's families so not to make them jealous, gifts or supplies. I shall take special intrest in said Hero, raising him to become one of my trusted lieutenants, that way if he does eventually turn on me, I can distract him long enough of how I helped his entire family, and while he contemplates all I've done for him, promptly shoot him. I will not belive any quote on the Tvtropes Additional Vows, as they are all lies. I will remember the power of hope is not the exclusive virtue of the good guys (see Warhammer40000). If The Hero attempts to construct or use mecha, I will first see where my universe stands on the sliding scales of seriousness versus silliness as well as the sliding scale of scientific hardness or softness. I will then respond accordingly. o In a silly universe, I will take advantage of the world's natural silliness. I will counter the the heroe's mecha by doing something silly like make it fall over a banana peel or bind all its legs with duct tape.

In a scientifically soft universe, I will go after enemy mecha with my own mecha using new, flashier designed painted red. Swords will be standard issue. o In a scientifically hard universe, I will do my best to avoid direct confrontations with enemy mecha. Rather, I will target the necessary but often undefended things that are needed for mecha, like production facilities, training centers, munitions plants, supply lines for the pilots, the ground crew, possible staging bases, and everything to do with fuel. Sure, a good pilot can flatten my mooks and Tank Goodness, but let's see him face my army when he's out of ammo, fuel, and spare parts. Never let The Hero have one on one mecha fights. He always wins. If I have mecha, then it is to be organized into cordinated, tactically trained teams of professionals who operate under the command of an ace and a real time battlefield intelligence center. They will also be given air and infantry support. o I will never use mecha or tanks inside a city. There are too many places where they can get trapped or ambushed. For this sort of thing, infantry with close air support is much better. o My mecha designs will vary based on the nature of the world. In worlds with greater allowance for fantasy, I will create designs that are appropriate. Super robots will be made accordingly. I will also not deliberately make a Super Prototype mech or two and make the rest all comparatively worthless. Remember, super prototypes are always stolen by the enemy, or otherwise studied, copied, and then used against me. In more realistic worlds, I will hold onto the same lessons. My designs will trend more towards Mini Mecha than Humongeous Mecha. They will also be meant for higher mobility and as such, wheels may be used. If possible and practical my one-winged angel will look like something that, instead of on the side of good or justice, harmless and rather relaxed but still retains all the power of the [1]. If I turn into the general red-skinned devil, that is generally a red alert that I am evil, and if I turn into an angel then while I might deal a good deal of confusion on your enemy, I am still identifying myself as one who wishes to and has the power to harm or hinder to the hero. If I turn into, say, an anthropomorphic garden frog and then act laid back when confronting the hero in my new form, they will probably be confused at that moment allows me to unleash an attack that can severely cripple them. Not only that, but overall it's harder to take seriously when you are facing something that looks more goofy than what you would normally expect to see as a final form. o It might also be useful to pretend that I don't have any memory of my former self in my One-Winged Angel. If I can pull it off convincingly enough, they might just believe that I might be good to have around them as one of their own allies and I could learn information or get close items that swiping would do my cause more good in the end. Also, depending on circumstances, the heroes might not tell anybody about my true background for one reason or another, meaning that if I can play it off my memory loss well enough, Only the party of heroes will actually know of my background, and that would be a very good position
o

to be in if I can find a way to get into contact with my empire without the heroes finding out. I will impress on my mooks that stuffing an item down the crotch of your pants/underwear is a perfectly legitimate strategy for keeping it from the hero if the item is fit for it. I will make sure that a distinction is made, so that they know that paper is well hidden by this tactic, but the eyeball of a cyclops most likely won't work unless all the male mooks in the area naturally have a bunch of ungodly large crotch areas. If the world I am in isn't built on a fetish source then the crotch of pants/underwear is mostly likely not going to be searched, much less guessed as the hiding place of the important item/paper/notes that was supposed to be there. o Also, depending on the setting, it is possible that even if the hero and his party know where it is/where to look for it, they won't dare do it. Self-preservation will always come before the plan, if I fail and everything starts to come down around me, I will not let pride get the better of me and go down with the ship or commit suicide, I'll drop what I'm doing and escape immediately. I will never underestimate the advantages of good intel and high power sniper rifles. It may not be chivalrous or fair to shoot the hero in the back from miles away but I am more likely to succeed this way. If it does not work I will carry on trying at random intervals. As an addendum to the vampire list farther up, if I'm any sort of creature that procreates by a Viral Transformation, I won't go changing people like mad just because I want the population up. They'll either; A). try to kill me if they embrace their nature so they can take my place. Or B). Loathe me for turning them against their will. In either case, if infecting for the sake of procreating is the only option instead of...other ways, I'll show extreme discretion, only change the willing, and/or wait until I'm significantly powerful enough to stave off any attempts on my life. o I will also not sire any half-breeds if procreation by reproduction is an option, I'll make my lover understand that having a half-breed son will end in my death and try to convince her to turn willingly. I'll keep in mind which side of the gun usefulness spectrums the universe is on and train my minions accordingly. My empire will embrace diversity and equality. No one will be discriminated against, because that leads to resentment, and we all know where that leads. Refugees from anywhere will be subjected to strenuous background checks and psychological exams, but if they pass, I will make it clear to society that they are to be aided and helped, as they are now fellow citizens of the Empire. o My council of advisors will include people from other nations and people with access to the records of other nations, to better evaluate refugees and make sure no one's smuggling in rebels or assassins. I will never, ever create technology that can bypass all security and lay bare the secrets of everyone, and drive the users insane so they can be controlled more easily. That shit not only gets you nowhere, it usually ends with rebellions and your creations being used against you. I will endeavour to ensure that the quality of living for everyone in my empire is as high as possible. The standard of education will be very high, healthcare will be a priority, environmental protection will be encouraged, psychiatric care for everyone will be free,

and the legal system will be carefully modified so that the innocent can be detected and the guilty punished. o All cases must have a five-year-old child on the jury. Careful attention is to be paid to everything that child says. I will encourage parental loyalty, but if there's nothing to be loyal to, the child or children will be placed in foster-care. o I will make sure that all families are treating their children well. The education system will enforce the idea that families are still families even if they aren't related by blood, so any adopted children do not Wangst about not being in a 'real' family. I will endeavour to use reason to combat enemy tactics. For example, if a book must be banned because it is enemy propaganda, I will explain why to the public and point out passages that directly oppose the empire's values, or explain the possible consequences of people reading the novel. I will give all possible aid to allied nations who need it, so that the hero will have trouble finding allies there who oppose me. If I must kill someone and I know that the public will inevitably hear about it, I will explain why I did it and why it was unavoidable, placing emphasis on any treason, rebellion or other detrimental aspects of the victim's life. In order to maintain public approval, I will endeavour to present myself at all times as someone who is willing to do their best and to tackle the unavoidable or the undesirable to protect or improve my nation, but not as a fanatic who will go to dangerous extremes or justify everything with 'it's for your own good'. o In addition, I will not insist that everyone in my nation approve of me, as long as they respect me. I will not kill people just because they don't like me. o Dissenters will be allowed to explain why they are dissenting. If they have a point, I will rectify the problem. Protestors or political opponents will not be automatically killed. First, I will listen to them and learn about their major point. If they're right, I'll fix it. If they're just stirring up trouble, they will be shot. I'll contemplate tossing out a few of these other personalities, their pursuit of genre savviness seems to be edging me more and more towards being a genuinly good leader instead of an evil overlord. o To quote Ben Croshaw; A truly evil ruler would build up a facade' of goodness to lull the people into a false sense of security, then BAM! off-world slavery. o As well, even if I don't intend to go as far as off-world slavery, I'm going to make a clear distinction about the job to everybody. I am an evil overlord, not a Jerkass by trade. If I must or want to kick a few puppies, so be it. But if I can prevent making everybody so unhappy that a HERO CAN COME ALONG AND GET EVERYBODY TO RALLY AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF MY BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THEM, then I'm all the better for it. Nothing wrong with a doomsday plot here, or a mass murdering there, but because my long-term goal is to become an overlord rather than a villain, having people who actually like me would help in the long run.

I will not live in my fortress, instead, I will hide in my grandmother's basement and have my fortress presided over by a robotic replica of someone I hate. This robot will do all the dirty work and, with luck, get killed by the heroes while I am safe to watch them hack it up. I will not make any prison inescapable,in case I am trapped in it. o What if the hero escapes using this method? o I will avoid getting trapped then. o not going to work. You can design an inescapeable prison with one exception of the one "darkest cell" at "lowest level" which as an Evil Overlord you would probably end in. You can design it so that it's doors are extreamly difficult to open yet there is a hidden way outside - thus if someone is escaping from anywhere else he won't be able to use that way. If I am forced to have computers with password rather than the much more logical fingerprint/vocal interfaces, the passwords on all of them will be varying combinations of four regular words, as per XKCD. The passwords for these computers will be unique to all of my employees, and those who cannot remember their password will be restrained and examined by the best forensic investigators I can get (who will be provided with detailed descriptions of everyone who works with The Hero), before I will even consider reissuing a password. (If one of The Hero's partners can shape-shift, passwords will not be reissued). I'll be on the look out for the Decoy Protagonist, if someone threatening my regime goes down quickly enough that I say "That was too easy." I'm probably right. I'll immediately investigate the family ties related to the person I just killed and go over the rest of the list to pick out the one who will most likely grow to be the revenge-seeking hero and act accordingly. I'll also be on the lookout for the Supporting Protagonist, if my spies reveal the leader of the Five-Man Band coming for me doesn't have any real, discernable reason for wanting my death besides the generic evil overlord deeds, I'll direct my resources away from him to the others and try to find out who the real hero/chosen one among them is. Continuing from this one: "I will not offer a bounty for the hero's capture. Henchmen have a pesky tendency to fight each other over these rewards." o If I must offer a bounty, I will spread it evenly among the henchman should one find him, as well as giving them a greater reward than a civilian. This has the added benefit of being a great campaign for henchmanship, increasing my evil army. Of course, these henchman will still be checked to ensure competence and allegiance. I will always assume that my evil plans can fail at any given point, whether it be anywhere from before it begins to moments before it's completion, and plan accordingly. Also, I will keep Murphy's law in mind. o Also, I will remember that a contrary to popular belief, a sufficently Genre savvy or merely competent hero CAN stop stage one. I will allow free speech, religion, and buisness decisions in my empire. People may come and go as they please, and the people shall be treated the same. Taxation will also be done fairly, with each person who works having to give 10-30% percent of their paycheck to the empire. Public works and attractions shall be maintained every hour on

the hour, and anyone may rise up to a position of power. Also, abusment of power shall be harshly judged, and anyone who was hurt shall be taken care of. All of this shall be done so as to quell down any thoughts of rebellion, and even keep people in. After all, better to live in an empire that takes care of you justly and fairly and treats you with respect, than live somewhere that doesn't. I will do my research and ensure that my opponent does not believe in an entity that grants him multiple lives. If so, I will find a way to get rid of his additional lives before facing him. After all, finding out only during a battle usually leads to ''unpleasant'' surprises and death. If I steal something of value from the hero, I won't upgrade it for my own personal use, eventually the hero will wind up taking it back, and not only will he have an upgraded item made with my resources, but if it's a technological item, he'll also have a feel for the specific designs of my army, giving him a crippling advantage and knowledge of any weak points. If I have the hero's group in a small prison. I will remember to order my guards that if a member of the group, particularly one who's of the "trying-to-be-funny" sort, trys to grab their attention with an sort of on-the-spot routine, he/she will be shot in the leg or ignored altogether (the same goes for a female seductress or anyone complaining of stomach cramps or snake bites). They should also remember not to allow any simple-minded creatures get close to anything that could probably release the heros. I will not kill infants, especially that one prophesized to defeat me. Instead I will make that infant my immediate Heir Apparrent and have him guarded with my best solders. All too many evil overlords have fallen into the trap of trying to kill a child that would otherwise never have been a threat to him and made him into one. In the event that the hero somehow gets his way into my lair, I will disguise myself as a butler, have my butler pretend to be me, and once he kills the butler, and has his moment of triumph, i will kill him with a simple shot to the back of the head. I will remember that my Elite Mooks who have never lost a battle, can still be defeated. Too many Evil Overlords have relied to heavily on them and are soon left with no elite warriors after the Hero eventually kills them. If I ever battle an enemy country's soldiers, and they only send some 1000 or less to face my 10000, I will not laugh at their pathetic efforts to beat me, and tell my soldiers that the enemy will easily be overcome. It will be made clear that these soldiers are probably some of the best warriors this country has to offer. I shall also take a look at the terrain of where we are going to battle, and take as many precautions as possible. I shall also not ride out in a carriage or other vehicle to watch the battle, that would only get me killed. And finally, I shall make sure my Legions of Doom have a full understanding of the Battle of Thermopylae, and know that even though numbers will eventually overwhelm, skill will be able to overtake most of these numbers easily. I will understand that sexual slavery is reprehensible, demeaning and may well cause me to cross the Moral Event Horizon. Thus, I will not attempt to force my intentions on the hero's love interest, and under no circumstances will I permit him/her to hold onto any object that could be used as an improvised weapon whilst she is in my presence. If I have a monster or spell that can turn my enemies into stone, I will not put all of my statues on display in my lair where the heroes can bring them back to normal. I will either

destroy the statues so my victims are Deader than Dead, or sell them to art connoisseurs across the globe so I can make a profit out of my enemies' demise. o If I sell them though, I'll cut the heads off, just in case the museum owner gets curious about if they're real under there or not. Although I will make backup plans for my possible death, this will not design this part of the plan to be a core element. My retirement plan for myself is going to have enough challenges to keep my genius occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with enjoying their victory and go back to fighting battles they have already won (thus setting themselves up for defeat at the hands of a hero) purely out of nostalgia. I will make sure that I have one person one my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me. I shall remember, if I'm forced to use mind control to make my plans succeed, I will ensure only I can remove it of my own free will, I will ensure killing me will cause all the affected to die horribly, and I will make sure that only a certain state of mind, unaltered by any outside influence will enable the removsl of the mind control. I will also make sure, when the hero attempts Talking the Monster to Death to get me to remove it I will either shoot said hero before they speak, use the monolouge to get my troops or myself in a position to do this, or, assuming my mind control has an area of effect I can use to my advantage to eliminate the hero, I will get the hero within range and humor a debate with said hero until I can either mind control and/or kill said hero.