Steven Smith Professor Dunn Interpersonal Communications November 13, 2010 Thought Paper: From Another Standpoint After

reading over Chapter 3, Communication and the Self, for the second time, many things stood out to me that I could relate to and found very interesting. The chapter discusses the various aspects of how we perceive ourselves, along with how others perceive us, and how those perceptions affect how we communicate/ how effectively we communicate. I found this area of lecture also to be particularly cool. The first part of the chapter talks about self-concept and how it develops. The text describes self-concept as a stable set of perceptions we hold about ourselves; something that evolves over time and is molded by messages we have heard from others. I thought this Reflected Appraisal Theory was extremely true and relevant to my life. When I start to think about my perception of myself, very little of it is something I came up with on my own. I would say 95% of my self-concept is something that Ive been told by people whose opinion I value, like family members, close friends or significant others. I also found the Social Comparison Theory to be fascinating; I definitely agree with the fact that your self-concept might vary with which reference group you are using. At the same time, I dont know that this is true 100% of the time. I know some individuals that might not be anywhere near as attractive as the groups of friends they hang out with, but think they are more attractive than they really are because they have good-looking friends. I also know individuals in the opposite situation; people that are very physically attractive, but perhaps hang out with a less attractive friend group. These individuals often dont seem to have any idea how good-looking they are. When I went

on to read about the Cognitive Conservatism theory, I thought it might relate back to this. If someone has a negative self-concept of themselves, or if they have always thought they were unattractive, that self concept will be hard to change even if they have grown into themselves and become very attractive (even if they are more attractive than their reference group). The text also talks in depth about self-fulfilling prophecies. This could be the theory that I agree with most in the chapter. Ive always thought that self-fulfilling properties can be a great thing and a terrible thing depending on your mindset. Over time, Ive started to think that I can use self-fulfilling properties to my advantage. If you keep as positive outlook on a situation, and in your mind truly expect a positive outcome for a situation, theres a better chance that things will go the way you want them too. This actually has worked for me a few times. The portion of this chapter that really made me think was the section on identity management, particularly the part discussing constructing multiple identities. Displaying multiple identities usually is given such a bad connotation like two-faced or fake. Ive always been confused by this, because I sometimes feel like I adjust my identity for almost every person I talk to. Im never trying to be fake or two faced, it just feels more comfortable to take on a role that the other person relates to best. Growing up my mom always called me a chameleon, saying that I changed face too much depending on the people I was around. She would say, I wish you would just stick to the sweet kid that I know. Of course, the sweet kid that she knew was the constructed identity that I put on for her, because thats what she expected. The strange thing to think about is the fact that people are changing their identities as well when they talk to me. It was reassuring for me

to read this part of the chapter discussing constructed multiple identities; it made me realize that its not just me who does this. When you first meet someone there are multiple common tendencies of perception that people tend to give into, and I am just as guilty as any of these tendencies. Ever since Ive learned about these common tendencies of perception, Ive tried to catch myself when I notice myself falling subject to one, but it seems to be a natural inclination that will take time to fix. I always judge my self more charitably then I do others. Ive noticed a few times when Ive done something or said something that might not be acceptable, Im almost always willing to give myself a free pass; if I do it, its okay. Then I began thinking that if I had heard someone else say the same thing, I would be much less forgiving. Another tendency Im guilty of is clinging to first impressions. We all know that the first time you meet someone usually isnt a good representation of who they really are as a person. Yet for some reason, many of us cling to the first impression as if it is the end all be all of them as a person, not giving any consideration as to what that person could have been going through at the time you met them. I am particularly guilty of meeting someone first the first time, getting an abrasive first impression, and just thinking to myself, that guys a real ass hole, I have no desire to ever talk to him again. Realistically, he/she couldve been stressed out about school or had a fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend; you never know. The perception tendency that unfortunately I would say I am the guiltiest of, is favoring negative impressions. Ive noticed this about myself for years, and have been really trying to fix it of late. The odd thing is, I never seem to have this problem when

Im meeting women for the first time; I actually probably favor positive impressions when I first meet girls. But whenever I meet another guy, I look at him and almost automatically assume I probably wont like him. Theres definitely been a few times that Ive met another guy and weve hit it off right away and became friends, but thats usually a small percentage of the time. The worst thing about it is, in most cases if I hang out with the guy a few more times I usually decide that hes really not such a bad guy, and always feel guilty about assuming I wouldnt like him. For example, I remember in high school we would play a team every year in lacrosse called The Heights. They were definitely considered to be our hated rival at the time, and not only did I not like any of the guys on their team but I was positive in my mind that they were all truly assholes. I had never talked to them off of the field, and never interacted with them, only observed them from a distance and knew they werent my kind of guys. Much to my annoyance, we all ended up going out for the same summer team. At first, I avoided them at all costs, never even making an effort to talk to them. Eventually, a couple exchanged words led to conversations, and I realized that these were perfectly likeable guys just like me and became pretty good friends with them all. Afterward I felt guilty for my negative assumptions of their character.

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Disagreement: A recurring disagreement that Im always having is between my Mom and I on the topic of abortion, and whether or not it is ethical. We tend to bump heads on many of these types of issues, because my Mom usually leans towards the more liberal

side of things while I tend to take a more conservative stance. In a nutshell, my Mom is pro-abortion, and Im pro-life. I dont feel nearly as strong about this issue as my Mom does, and she is adamant about her opinion. More than anything, I just like to spark up debates with my Mom about things she feels strongly about, because I like to push her buttons. But nevertheless, I would take definitely take the pro-life side if I was asked.

My Letter:

Mom, I know how strongly you feel about the topic of abortion and how you believe that in some cases, its the ethical thing to do. Well I would just like you to know that its a good thing youre not a politician, because abortion is never a good thing to do (with the exception of health related situations). I understand that the idea seems convenient; young moms carrying unwanted children can get an abortion and forget their pregnancy ever happened. But think about it, it really shouldnt be that easy when youre dealing with a life, and it isnt that easy. Women that have chosen abortion report feeling extreme guilt for the rest of their lives. Yes, some children are born to unfit mothers and into bad situations; there is no doubt about how unfortunate those scenarios are, but every life is truly worth living. Think about all of the amazing people that have risen from an unfortunate childhood situation and gone on to live astounding lives. Ask them if they wish they had been aborted. Take Lil Wayne, the rapper, as an example. He was born to a single mother in

the slums of New Orleans. He is now one of the most influential artists of our generation. Technology in the modern world continues to advance, and I do believe theres a proper use for every technology. I agree with abortion in instances where the mothers life is at risk if the baby were to be born. But where do we draw the line for whats okay and whats not? If abortion is okay, what about altering the of the childs gender or phenotype? Why not make some clones of ourselves? The main point I want to make here is that it is not our place to dabble in these matters; its just unnatural. We were never intended to dip our feet in these waters. It is not our in our jurisdiction to decide who is allowed to come into this world and who is not. It is my belief that God has plan for every life that is conceived. Who are we to make the executive decision that a life shouldnt be lived? I think that each life is intended to be lived. Havent we over stepped our boundaries? We should all be able to agree on the fact that life is a fabulous journey worth experiencing, and I dont think anyone has the right to rob someone of that. Love, Steven

Moms Letter:

Steven, Your youth and lack of life experience is evident in your argument. You have not seen in your life yet some of the things that I have seen. I also think you have misinterpreted my opinion. I worked in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) of a hospital in downtown Baltimore for ten years. I have had a crack-addicted mother look

me in the eyes and tell me that they didnt want their child. I have seen a mother with heroin lines up and down her arms try to flea from the hospital after her child was born in order to emancipate herself from the responsibility of having a child. These children are eventually forced to live out on the street with their drugaddicted mothers, join gangs, and live lives so miserable that you cant even possibly imagine. Orphanages all around the world are packed with children who dont even have a morsel to eat. Hundreds of thousands of children are living in poverty all over the world with parents that dont even have the means to support themselves, much less their children. You have been fortunate enough to live a very blessed and sheltered life, and the world you were born into is free of worries, but you havent seen the reality of the world some kids are born into. On a smaller scale, think about yourself. Youre a young twenty-year-old kid, free of any true obligation. You are blessed the privilege to go college, focus on your studies, hang out with your friends, and dont really have to worry about taking care of anyone but yourself. Now imagine your girlfriend gets pregnant. Are you in a position to support a child coming into the world? What about your girlfriend? I didnt think so. A child brings on a responsibility that you have to be extensively prepared for; I promise you, you arent prepared.

Love, Mom

What Mom said she would have added to her argument: There are thirteen-year-old girls out there that have been raped, are pregnant, and scared to tell their parents, in fear of

being shunned from their family. Who is to tell her that she has no choice but to be stripped of her childhood and bear a child?

*My Mom doesnt live near Charlotte, so unfortunately I couldnt get her to sign the letter. I did call her though and I read her both letters, and she told me what she would add into the argument.