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ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

E-book

TABLE OF CONTENTS

About the Author Introduction Section 1: Everything Changes... Section 2: Attachment & Aversion.. Section 3: Your True Mind?.. Section 4: Its Not All About You!.. Putting It All Together. Frequently Asked Questions. Summary.

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YOUR TRUE MIND? A question that is often asked is Who Am I? Are you your thoughts? Are you your emotions? For example, some people identify with being a happy person. In life I find that we love to have an identity, something to really cling to. For example you may identify as being: Who Am I? A good son or daughter Being rich or famous A hard worker Good in bed Being good at your job Considerate to others

Attractive to the opposite sex Physically fit or good looking

The question is, are any of these things or identities really you? In modern day society, a lot of people find it very difficult to be themselves. They are constantly trying to project an image to society of how they wish to be perceived. For example:

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At school you may want to be perceived as being intelligent by you peers and as a result dont ask any questions in class

ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

A lot of mens self-worth is derived from being a good breadwinner. So they feel great when they are working and lousy when they are unemployed.

For women, a lot of their self worth is tied to being physically attractive or skinny. What happens as they get older and their looks begin to fade?

What if I was to say that you are none of these things that you identify with? What if I was to say that you are just you! And your response may be Of course I know that Im me. But do you really? If you did, then you wouldnt let yourself get worried about all of these identities that you have created for yourself. The number one quality of the mind is to know! Let me explain. Imagine that your mind is like the sky? Open, blue and never changing. Your thoughts and your emotions (e,g., anger) are like the clouds. They are constantly changing. One day it is clear, then next day it is overcast. Everyday, the clouds are different. How can our mind be something that is constantly changing? True Nature Of Mind

When people move into their adulthood, they often want to be thought of in a positive light by friends and family, often comparing themselves with others.

The problem is that we often mistake our mind for our thoughts and our emotions. One moment we are up, the next moment we are down. Literally thousands of thoughts will occupy our minds every day. How on earth is this really you? It is endless. We need something more solid? We need the sky.
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Imagine the freedom than can come, when you can recognise your true nature of your mind. They call it the knowing quality of mind. Where you just know. And through doing this, you will learn not to over analyse situations in life. Why? Because you will realise that it is pointless to do so. We only have anger or frustration because we havent recognised our true nature of mind as yet. I recognise that this is a very broad concept and you will require a concrete example. This is what Ill do now. Lets take the example of when we get criticised in life. No-one is perfect or immune to criticism in life. It is bound to happen to everybody at one point in time. I laugh at perfectionists in life. They want to do everything perfectly and when they get criticised, they crumble. For all of those perfectionists reading this e-book, please dont stop reading because I criticised you for being a perfectionist (excuse the pun), because this section is especially for you. Concrete Examples I want you to think about your life for a second. How do you handle criticism? Do you take it to heart? Or is it water off a ducks back? Generally speaking nobody likes to be criticised and everybody likes to be praised. Why? Because we fail to recognise who we really are. Usually people will criticise our behaviour. But we think that they are criticising us personally. Or, they may praise our behaviour but we make the mistake and think that they are praising us personally. Im sure all of this makes sense to you cognitively. But living by this principle is a lot harder to do. I want to tell you about a story of a client who saw me recently to illustrate this point.
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ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

A client came to speak with me about his anger issues and low self-esteem problems. He was having major issues at work, regarding receiving criticism from co-workers and bosses. His self-esteem would deflate and he would eventually lash out. Why? Because he was scared of losing his job, thinking that it was a personal attack. Once he was able to see things as they really were, all fear and anxiety disappeared. Once he was able to see what people were really trying to say in their criticism and not read too much into it, he was able to overcome some of his anger issues. In affect he got to the stage of non-attachment to his job and recognized his true nature of mind as not being his work performance. Client Story

His work performance was purely his behaviour and not a reflection on him personally. He also was able to confront his fear of losing his job and this ultimately liberated him in the end. Flow on consequences were that he was able to overcome the loss of his ex-girlfriend and enter a new relationship and ultimately be more productive at work. Thats the main problem. We fail to see things for what they truly are. There is a great parable from the time of the Buddha. Failing To See Things For What They Truly Are?

He was walking with some of his followers through the fields one day and they came across what looked like a snake in the distance. Assuming that it was dangerous, they all walked the other way.

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In actual fact, what they saw was a coiled rope (that merely looked like a snake). They made two errors of judgment that day.. (1) They failed to see the coiled rope for what it truly was (2) They attached snake like properties to it. This is a great metaphor for life. Because we do it all the time. We fail to see things in life for what they truly are and make incorrect assumptions. For example, when someone criticises us, we fail to understand that they are criticising our behaviour and not criticizing us personally. But we take it to heart and make incorrect assumptions. They dont like me. They are going to sack me. She is going to break-up with me etc. If you can do this, you will be able to improve your self-confidence and reduce your anger problems as a result. It really is the quickest way there to overcoming your anger management problems. A lot of people think of ego as being present whenever you are really high. For example, someone may praise you and you may think that you are king of the world. Ego can happen when you are low as well. For example, someone may criticise you, you take in personally and your self-confidence deflates as a result. Ego

We need to change the way that we think about ego. All that ego is, is a failure to see things for what they truly are. Western society is all about being humble, although a lot of people arent. Lets have strong self-esteem as well. Whats the point of being humble but lacking in self-confidence? Real confidence occurs when the ego is left to the side and you understand your mind
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ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

and see things for what they truly are. In fact in a lot of eastern societies, low self-esteem doesnt exist. They dont understand how someone cant love themselves or have low self-confidence. Lets take romantic relationships. The ultimate form of pain and suffering is when someone rejects you. For example, when they choose to break-up with you or decide that they dont want to go out with you in the first place. These are events in life that we take personally. Other Examples in Life Lets now look into the idea of someone breaking up with you. You may even want to reflect on events that have happened in your past? Lets look at these events for what they truly are. Some reasons may include: Dont find you physically attractive Personal hygiene Work too hard Not good in bed Dont earn enough money Dont have sex enough Have sex too much Not rich enough Dont like your family

Personal issues that the other person needs to work out

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Some of these reasons may appear to be very personal. But none of these reasons are actually you. With some of the reasons you actually have no control over. For example, physical attractiveness. Others are merely your behaviour (e.g., personal hygiene). But none of them are actually you. So why take it to heart? And what happens (usually) when someone breaks up with you? You want to know why! The conversation is very dangerous for you. You probably already know why and know what you need to change for your next relationship. Besides, the other person is not going to be honest with you anyway. Try and see things for what they truly are. Being There For Yourself

Dont like your friends

Dont like your personality

This process is really about being there for yourself. We often worry about not being loved or liked by others. Guess what? You dont need to be. You just need to be there for yourself. And youll find that if youre able to be loving towards yourself, then other people will be kind and supportive towards you in return. Take any negative event to happen to you in your life that has made you angery or frustrated. If you can see things for what they truly are and recognise who you really are, then this is enough. You dont need to talk with friends and family or bitch and moan to other people. Why? Because you will be there for yourself. When responding, you wont even have to ask for
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ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

others opinions or advice, youll trust in yourself to handle the situation. You can process any negative event to happen in life (e.g., criticism) through using this process. Try saying to yourself Its not me! when someone criticises you. This can be an extremely powerful thing to do. This strategy has been very successful for me in dealing with negative emotions and events in life. All that I say to myself is that it isnt me whenever someone criticises me. For example, my girlfriend broke up with me recently, who I loved and cared for very much. Did I need to analyse the situation? No. Did I need to know every reason for why she chose to do this? No. I was able to see things for what they truly were and move on. Whenever people criticise me, for example at home I dont take it personally and see the comment as criticising my behaviour and not me personally. Personal Note Make no mistake about it. Through fully realising this principle, you will become liberated. That is my promise to you. In the final chapter I will give you a lot more specific instructions of how you can implement this principle in your life. So right now, just relax and let it settle in your mind, your true mind.

END OF CHAPTER
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CHAPTER REVIEW How Do You Handle Criticism? How Do You React To It?
(1) (2) (3)

How Do You Identify Yourself (e.g, Good Boyfriend, Breadwinner)?

(1) (2) (3)

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ANGER MANAGEMENT: A BUDDHIST APPROACH

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