Michael Nolan

P-4

A Modest Proposal: The Homocaust

3-6-12

There is civil dissent in America. The population growth rate is choking America. People are
losing jobs in the United States of America. If these states are not united, then I struggle to call the
country in which I live America, and so I will humbly call this country in its current state My
Country. As a duty to My own Country, I tried to find a Single Root to all of My Countrys recent
degradations. The economic downfall played a part, and My Countrys war with Iraq is devastating.
However, a Single Root has managed to infiltrate even these affairs. My Countrymen, the Single Root
has been looming behind closed doors, and it is preparing to come out of the closet. If nothing is
done, this Single Root will spread like cracks and crumble the foundation of My Country and its
international relations.
Homosexuality and the prospect of marriage between members of the same gender are,
together, this Single Root. Homosexuality is an unnatural practice, for it interferes with the entirely
natural idea of Heterosexual relationships and marriages. Everything in nature gets married: plants,
animals, planets, rocks; permitting homosexual marriages would be an unprecedented offense to the
sanctity of the natural, Heterosexual marriage. My Country needs to be proud of its lasting, natural
marriages. Both the 72-day marriage between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries1 and Britney
Spears 55-hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander 2 would be besmirched by the institution of
homosexual marriage in My Country. America is not known for change; women are still a mans
rightful property, slavery is still tolerated, and divorce is still illegal. The institution of homosexual
marriage would also require schools to promote an eduction about tolerance, which would entail the
firm establishment of morals. In America, we pride ourselves on arbitrary and unstable morals, and the
establishment of a solid, unquestioned set of morals due to the teaching of tolerance in school is far
too stable for My Country.
1

http://www.tmz.com/2011/10/31/kim-kardashian-divorce-kris-humphries-files/

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/3869708/

Homosexuals will spawn more homosexuals if they are given this freedom of marriage. With
this new liberty, they will display their homosexuality more openly. Based on the mere exposure
effect,3 the repeated exposure to homosexual tendencies will make one more comfortable and
receptive of those tendencies. Homosexuality is, thus, a trait that can rub off like every other trait of a
person, including height, skin tone, and eye color. The institution of homosexual marriage would also
permit the adoption of children by homosexual couples. Children develop best when they are placed
with two parents who could naturally produce children themselves; they need a fertile mother and a
fertile father. Therefore, I include single prospective parents, infertile couples, and the elderly in my
definition of homosexual. Homosexual parents will also develop homosexual children, just like all
Heterosexual parents develop Heterosexual children.
So, My Countrymen, what do you do with an infected limb? What do you do with a dog that
bit your child? What do you do with a fetus that is an inconvenience to the pregnant mother? Its
simple: you get rid of it. The homosexuals cause nothing but civil dissent and national unease, so my
proposed Final Solution is to send all of the homosexuals out of America. Absent, the homosexuals
will not taint the natural institution of marriage, will not promote tolerance, and will not rub off on us
or the nations children. The homosexuals will be deported to concentrated encampments. I invite
Canada to accommodate these camps of homosexuals, for they already accept the United States
currency and speak its language. They are practically a protectorate of America, so conquering the
country is unnecessary. This plan is much easier to theorize than to implement, for it would be
economically and judicially tiresome. However, I account for that in my proposal of the Final Solution.
To make up for the economic costs of this Homocaust, as I will call it, I propose that the
homosexuals be put to work in the concentrated camps. All a human needs to survive is food, so, in
our efforts to keep things natural, the homosexuals will work in factories, mine for resources, or even
hold official jobs such as medical and business professions for plentiful rations of food. To oversee the
3

Myers, David G. Psychology. 9th ed. Worth Publishers, 2008. eBook.

work and rations, I propose we enlist some Heterosexual Nationalists (which I will nickname Hetzis, a
cognate of Heterosexual and the German abbreviation for Nationalist, Nazi). To distinguish a
homosexual from a Hetzi, homosexuals will be asked to wear a 7-pointed star with the seven colors of
the rainbow on their clothing at all times. This follows Americas popular and established Separate but
Unequal belief.
The Homocaust will provide a plethora of benefits for My Country, which I would be proud
to call America again. The prospects of homosexual tolerance and homosexual marriage cause
disagreement within Our Country, and this civil dissent will cease due to my Final Solution. Lawyers
wont lose their business, for they thrive on settling disputes over laws that are arbitrary, contradictory,
and that differ from state-to-state. Nationwide acceptance of homosexuals and their marriages would
terminate these necessary laws. By promoting the difference between homosexuals and Heterosexuals,
homosexuals are more likely to commit suicide4, thus decreasing the surplus population and
restrengthening our economy. Finally, this Final Solution will stave off an international fiasco. The
World looks to America as an example, and accepting homosexuality and homosexual marriage would
present America as believing in equality and diversity of opinion. This is not the desired representation
of America, and these beliefs are not accepted in other parts of the World. It would put America at
odds with other powerful countries, perhaps sparking a World War.
I propose this Final Solution with no motive but the public good of My Country. In the
truthfulness of my being, I hope that this proposal will end civil dissent, increase economic stability
and efficiency, prevent an international fiasco, and keep the name of America associated with the
beliefs of Inequality, Permanence (lack of Change), and Segregation. Take my opinion to be unbiased,
for, as a homosexual myself, I have nothing to gain from this Final Solution.

Meyer, Ilan H. Prejudice, Social Stress, and Mental Health in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Populations: Conceptual
Issues and Research Evidence. National Institute of Health (2003): 17-18. Web. 25 Feb. 2012.

Works Cited
Associated Press. Judge dissolves Britneys joke wedding. Today.com. msnbc.com, 6 Jan. 2004. Web.
25 Feb. 2012.
Head, Tom. 10 Really Bad Arguments Against Same-Sex Marriage. About.com. New York Times
Company, n.d. Web. 25 Feb. 2012.
Ludwig, Summer. Top 10 Reasons Gay Marriage is UnAmerican. Who Would Jesus Vote For? Who
Would Jesus Vote For?, 20 Oct. 2007. Web. 25 Feb. 2012.
Meyer, Ilan H. Prejudice, Social Stress, and Mental Health in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual
Populations: Conceptual Issues and Research Evidence. National Institute of Health (2003):
17-18. Web. 25 Feb. 2012.
Myers, David G. Psychology. 9th ed. Worth Publishers, 2008. n. pag. eBook.
TMZ Staff. Kim Kardashian Files for Divorce. TMZ. EHM Productions, Inc., 31 Oct. 2011. Web.
25 Feb. 2012.