Bart: From now on I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.

liqueur in a mug can warm you like a hug What's with these new bands? Everyone knows Rock attained perfection in 1974, it's a scientific fact! Homer to Lisa: Just because I dont care doesnt mean I dont understand! Homer to doctor: Remember your hippopotamus oath!

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasnt brutally slaughtered? Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness. -The Simpsons, Faith Off Homer: Hello My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uhh, whats your first name? Homer: I dont know -The Simpsons, Blood Feud I cant take his money. I cant print my own money. I have to work for money. Why dont I just lie down and DIE? -Homer Simpson, Half Decent Proposal To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of lifes problems. -Homer Simpson, Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment Pff, English. Who needs that? Im never going to England. -Homer Simpson, The Way We Was Damn it, Smithers, this isnt rocket science; its brain surgery! -Mr. Burns, Treehouse of Horror II Marge, youre my wife, I love you very much, but youre living in a world of makebelieve! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. -Homer Simpson, Blood Feud Unshrink you?! Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous, it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, hmm-heyahh, but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and vengeance and the blood reign and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me. -John Frink-like scientist in the world Lisa creates, Treehouse of Horror VII Oh, boy, sleep! Thats where Im a Viking! -Ralph Wiggum, Lisa the Vegetarian Now, look, boy. If your da goes ga-ga, you just use thatshin of yours to call me, and Ill come a-runnin. But dont be readin my mind between 4 and 5. Thats Willies time! -Groundskeeper Willie, Treehouse of Horror V (easily the best Halloween episode) Todd: Is he killing that guitar, daddy? Ned: Yes, son -The Simpsons, Faith Off Trent Steel: You like Thai? Homer: Tie good. You like shirt? -The Simpsons, Homer to the Max Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs! -Homer Simpson, Homer to the Max Dont blame me; I voted for Kodos.

-Homer Simpson, Treehouse of Horror VII I think Barts stupid again, Mom. -Lisa Simpson, Bart the Genius (thats my moms favorite Simpsons quote) Fat Tony is a cancer on this city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?... -Chief Clancy Wiggum, Bart the Murderer Marge: Well, Lisa is now a horse and Bart is dead. Homer: Well, me saying sorry isnt going to fix things. Marge: The gypsy said it would! Homer: Shes not the boss of me. Oh, meltdown. Its one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus. -Mr. Burns Bart: How would I go about creating a half manhalf monkey type creature? Ms. Krabappel: Im sorry, that would be playing God. Bart: God, schmod, I want my monkey-man! -The Simpsons, Barts Friend Falls in Love Lisa: I think its ironic that Dad saved the day while a thinner man would have fallen to his death. Bart: And I think its ironic that for once Dads butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga Marge: Bart! -The Simpsons, King-Size Homer Welcome Candy Convention, Room I; Candy-Shaped Rat Poison Convention, Room II. -sign on the marquee of a convention hall, The Simpsons, Homer Badman Two, four, six, eight, Homer Simpsons crime was great! Great meaning large or immense; we used it in the pejorative sense! -stupid feminist picketers, Homer Badman Professor Frink/Professor Frink/Hell make you laugh/Hell make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with theperson Oh, that monkeys going to pay -John Frink, The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink theme song, 22 Short Films About Springfield (my favorite episode) Marge: Watch out for the apple pie. Grandpa: Uh-ohh Marge: Grandpa, did you sit on the apple pie? Grandpa: I sure hope so. -The Simpsons, Burns, Baby Burns Board chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin! Board chairman: misuse of cadavers Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I use the carpool lane! -The Simpsons, 22 Short Films About Springfield A test score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory. In your sons case, we would require an international airport. -Yale admissions guy, The Simpsons, Burns, Baby Burns

Chief Wiggum: Did you trace the phone number? Lou: Sure did, chief. Chief Wiggum: 555 aww, its gotta be phony. -The Simpsons, Burns, Baby Burns Homer: Were going out, Marge! If we dont come back, avenge our deaths! Marge: Okay! -The Simpsons, Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment Lisa: But it cant be an angel! Moe: Oh, yeah? If youre so sure what it aint, how about telling us what it am? -The Simpsons Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything thats even remotely true. -Homer Simpson Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me. -Ralph Wiggum, Grade School Confidential Oh, my God! Space aliens! Dont eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! -Homer Simpson, Treehouse of Horror VII Hey, theres a balloon machine in our bathroom! -Bart Simpson Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead. -Krusty the Clown, Sideshow Bobs Last Gleaming Honey, Id love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot. -Marge Simpson Wait a minutethis sounds like rock and/or roll. -Reverend Tim Lovejoy, Bart Sells His Soul No, thats German for The Bart, The. -Sideshow Bob, Cape Feare Bart: Take him away, boys. Chief Wiggum: Hey, Im the chief here! Bake him away, toys. Lou: Whatd you say, Chief? Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says. -The Simpsons, Cape Feare Lisa, get in here... In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics! -Homer Simpson Lisa: Nuke the whales? You dont really believe that, do you? Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke sompm. Lisa: Touch. -The Simpsons, Lisas Date With Density God Welcomes His Victims. -marquee at Springfield Community Church Hurricane Neddy Next ups a real lowlife. Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison. -Waterville State Penitentiary warden/rodeo announcer, at the prison rodeo, The Simpsons Oh Well, lots of people shoot Apu. Its just a $100 fine now. -Marge Simpson

Marge: Lisa, is that too spicy for you? Lisa: I can see through time -The Simpsons, Homer and Apu, on Apus Indian food Enlightened Kwik-E-Mart CEO: You may ask me three questions. Apu: Thats great because all I need is one. Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? CEO: Yes Homer: Really? CEO: Yes Homer: You? CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. -Homer Simpson, Homer and Apu If itll make you feel any better, Ive learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead. -Homer Simpson, Homer and Apu This whole raid is as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there Wait a minute theres a lemon behind that rock! -Bart Simpson, Lemon of Troy Once a week, every week. -slogan on the newspaper machine that dispenses the Shelbyville Daily Bonjourrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin surrender monkeys! -Groundskeeper Willie, teaching French, Round Springfield What Im saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. -Homer Simpson, Round Springfield Apu: I always thought karma was baloney, but now I know its not. Homer: Mmmm, caramel baloney -The Simpsons Homer: Awww, twenty dollars I wanted a peanut! Homers brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Homer: Explain how. Homers brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Woo-hoo! -The Simpsons, Boy-Scoutz N the Hood I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer. Ill eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer La la la la la la la laaaa Whos that baby deer on the lawn there?... -Homer Simpson, Guess Whos Coming to Criticize Dinner Marge: This is the worst thing youve ever done! Homer: You say that so much its lost all meaning. -The Simpsons, She of Little Faith Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.

-Homer Simpson, Lisas First Word I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... man! -Rainier Wolfcastle, Children of a Lesser Clod I cant believe smell ya later replaced goodbye. -Bart Simpson, Bart To the Future Oh, relax kids. Ive got a gut feeling Uters around here somewhere. After all, isnt there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and hes in our stomachs right now! Wait, scratch that one. -Principal Skinner, Treehouse of Horror V Marge, dont discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals... Except the weasel. -Homer Simpson, Boy-Scoutz N the Hood Ralph: I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!Oh! I bent my Wookie Lisa: Hey, Ralph, wanna play anagrams with us? Allison: We take the names of famous people and rearrange the letters to spell a description of that person. Ralph: My cats breath smells like cat food. -The Simpsons, Lisas Rival Assistant: Mayor, theres an angry mob to see you. Quimby: Does it have an appointment? Assistant: Uhhh yes, it does. Skinner (from the back): I phoned ahead! -The Simpsons, Much Apu About Nothing Grandpa Simpsons father: See this, boy? This is where were going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday Grandpa: Later that day, we set sail for America. -The Simpsons, Much Apu About Nothing Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: Thats because you were drunk. Homer: And how! -The Simpsons Behold... the rarest of the rare: the mythological two-headed hound... born with only one head! -Chief Wiggum, Lisas Wedding The legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and the BODY of a rabbit! -Chief Wiggum, Lisas Wedding Smithers: Oh, Mr. Burns, well thaw you out the second they discover the cure for... seventeen stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Professor Frink: Well, were up to fifteen! -The Simpsons, Lisas Wedding You know that little ball you put on your antenna so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car! -Homers Simpson, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

-Rainier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man, Radioactive Man Mr. Burns: By cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winters work out of those low-lives. Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Mr. Burns: Hmmm Perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyones slaughtered, I owe you a Coke. -The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror V We are the mediocre presidents You wont find our faces on dollars or on cents! Theres Taylor, theres Tyler, theres Fillmore, and theres Hayes Theres William Henry Harrison, I died in thirty days! We are the adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable caretaker presidents of the USA! -The Simpsons, I Love Lisa I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was, and now what Im with isnt it. And whats it seems weird and scary to me. -Abraham Simpson, Homerpalooza Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. Hes cool. Teen 2: Are you bein sarcastic, dude? Teen 1: I dont even know anymore... -The Simpsons, Homerpalooza Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even hes kissed more boys than I ever will. Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls. -The Simpsons, Summer of 4 ft. 2 Teen 1: So he goes like... Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that. -The Simpsons, Summer of 4 ft. 2 Homer: Hmm... Somebodys traveling light. Lisa: Meh, maybe youre getting stronger. Homer: Well... I have been eating more. -The Simpsons, Summer of 4 ft. 2 Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, youre like the son I never had. Homer: And youre like the father I never visit. -The Simpsons, Simpson Tide Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Where? Where? Space coyote: This is just your memory. I cant give you any new information. -The Simpsons, El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jmer Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad? Lisa: Either that or Batmans really let himself go. -The Simpsons, El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jmer Krusty Home Pregnancy Test Warning: May cause birth defects.

-The Simpsons, I Love Lisa Bart: I want to go with you, Dad. Homer: Dont you have school? Bart: Dont you have work? Homer: Ah, touch. -The Simpsons, Maximum Homerdrive Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. -Principal Skinner, Duffless Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, hes eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves! Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldnt find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer. -The Simpsons, Monty Cant Buy Me Love All this yelling is taking away my horny. -Russian model in Moes bar, Homer the Moe Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No! Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops!? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal. -The Simpsons, Lisa the Vegetarian Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed. -Marge Simpson Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want! Marge: And youll lose weight? Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! Its a free country! -The Simpsons, Look, Big Daddy, its regular Daddy! -Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir! Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? -The Simpsons, The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Marge: Dont let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesnt take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo. Homer: Thanks for trying, but Ill be at Moes. Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey. -The Simpsons, C.E.Doh! Now a few more details about this years company picnic. Its at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled. -Mr. Burns, C.E.Doh! Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers! Lisa (reading): Come to Homers B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.

Bart: Whats that extra B for? Homer: Thats a typo. -The Simpsons, Lisa the Vegetarian This is so weird! Its like something out of Dickens...or Melrose Place. -Lisa Simpson, Mother Simpson, upon meeting Homers mother Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call. Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Lets do it on Martins desk. Skinner: It is usually the cleanest. -The Simpsons, Homer vs. Dignity So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating! -Bart Simpson, Homer vs. Dignity Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see youre reading the paper. Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I dont need to be told what to think...by anyone living. -The Simpsons, They Saved Lisas Brain Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more. Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You dont have the power! -The Simpsons, They Saved Lisas Brain Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So heres the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I wont ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done. -Homer Simpson You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try. -Homer Simpson, Burnss Heir Marge: Im not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars! Homer: Dont be so stubborn! -The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror I Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate! -Lisa Simpson, Treehouse of Horror VII Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation? Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night! -The Simpsons, The Way We Was Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is? Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know... -The Simpsons, When Flanders Failed I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying. -Homer Simpson, A Star is Born-Again

Chief Wiggum: Sarah, youre as lovely as the day I first arrested you. Sarah: Oh, Clancy! Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy... -The Simpsons, A Star is Born-Again Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Simpson, Homer. That is all. -Horst, Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk Lisa: I feel like Im gonna die, Bart. Bart: Were all going to die, Lise. Lisa: I meant soon. Bart: So did I... -The Simpsons, Kamp Krusty First you didnt want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it backmake up your mind! -Homer Simpson, Lisas Pony Hypnotist: You are all very good players. Team: We are all very good players. Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville! Team: We will beat Shelbyville. Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent! Team: Thats impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give. -The Simpsons, Homer At the Bat Just thinkwith that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets. -Principal Skinner, Dog of Death No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2. -Chief Wiggum, Dog of Death, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing Marge, Ive figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats. -Homer Simpson, Dog of Death Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but theres one thing he cant buy. Marge: Whats that? Homer: .....A dinosaur. -The Simpsons, Dog of Death Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases. Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we havent had a single fire. -The Simpsons, Barts Dog Gets an F Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is How To Increase Your Word Power. That thing is really, really, really... good. -Homer Simpson, Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, to the Readers Digest lady Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.

-Miss Hoover, Separate Vocations, reading the class the career-preference test I warned ya! Didnt I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself! -Groundskeeper Willie, Lisa the Vegetarian Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart? Lisa: No. Bart: How about Methodist? Lisa: NOOO! ... Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching! -The Simpsons, She of Little Faith Bart: Memo to self: Lock door. Lisa: All right, Ill go, you dont have to be a jerk about it. Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa. -The Simpsons, Brothers Little Helper Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs. Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean. Dr. Hibbert: Well, I dont want to pry into your personal life... Homer: Then dont. -The Simpsons, Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked. Teller: Uh, I didnt mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penns going to beat me. Penn: Folks, its all part of the act! Teller: No it isnt! Dont leave me alone with him! Penn: Youve ruined the act! Im going to kill you! Teller: Hell do it! Im not the first Teller. -The Simpsons, Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that. -Hans Moleman, Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder See that ship over there? Theyre re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consentor so the legend goes. -Homer Simpson Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And Ive worked ever so hard. Vicki: Im sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when theyre clearly not equal is called what, again, class? Class: Communism! Vicki: Thats right. And I didnt tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds. -The Simpsons, Last Tap Dance In Springfield You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didnt even notice. -Marge Simpson, Lisas Wedding Lisa: Wow, now that Ive seen this, isnt there any way to avoid it? Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised. -The Simpsons, Lisas Wedding Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena cant fly. Lucy Lawless: I told you, Im not Xena. -The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror X

Homer: Marge, were going out! If we dont come back, avenge our deaths! Marge: Okay!... -The Simpsons, Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment You know, Ive had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all. -Homer Simpson, Poppas Got a Brand-New Badge The whole reason we have elected officials is so we dont have to think all the time. -Homer Simpson, Barts Comet House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Thats bad. Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt! Homer: Thats good! Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed. Homer: Thats bad. Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings! Homer: Thats good! Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] Thats bad. Homer: Can I go now? -The Simpsons, " Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? -Homer Simpson Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four (chews)... Sixtythree (chews)... [cut to much later] Two (chewing slowly)... One... Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: I think Im blind... -The Simpsons, Rosebud Homer: Oh! Look at me! Im making people happy! Im the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Marge: Well, duuhh. -The Simpsons, Flaming Moes No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor, and its time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! -Homer Simpson, $pringfield Joes Crematorium, you kill em, we grill em. -Bart Simpson, answering the phone Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. Weve drawn Judge Snyder. Marge: Is that bad? Hutz: Well, hes had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog... Marge: You did? Hutz: Well, replace the word kinda with the word repeatedly, and the word dog with son.

-The Simpsons Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homers brain: What does that mean? Better say something or theyll think youre stupid. Homer: Takes one to know one. Homers brain: Swish! Flanders: Homer, God didnt set your house on fire. Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu]. Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us. Lovejoy: Aw, thats super. -The Simpsons, Homer the Heretic Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. Theres an angel missing! Bart: And whos your little school friend? Wait a minute... Thats Mom! Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight! [Bart and Homer high-five] Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women? Homer: Nope, thats it. -The Simpsons, Lisa the Beauty Queen Chief Wiggum: Thats nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou. Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief. -The Simpsons, Lisa the Tree Hugger Im a level-5 vegan. I wont eat anything that casts a shadow. -Jesse Grass, Lisa the Tree Hugger Marge: Kids, why dont you write a complaint letter? Thats how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra. Homer: That was you?! Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lisget this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely... Lisa: Ill write the letter. Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather! -The Simpsons, on the crappy Cosmic Wars movie, Co-Dependents Day Kids, while were out, the TVs in charge. Go to bed when it says. -Homer Simpson, Co-Dependents Day Im in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldnt listen to myself. Im drunk! -Homer Simpson, Co-Dependents Day Why did I take so much punishment? Lets just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs. -Homer Simpson, Behind the Laughter But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica. -Jim Forbes, the narrator, Behind the Laughter I was saving sugar for my wedding night! -Todd Flanders, The Fat and the Furriest See all that stuff in there, Homer? Thats why your robot never worked.

-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, Itchy and Scratchy Land Marge, can you set the oven to cold? -Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... Cmon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire. -Chief Wiggum I know Weinsteins parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, Yom Kip-pur. -Principal Skinner Marge: This house stinks! Youre not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you? Homer: Do you have a better idea? -The Simpsons, Two Dozen and One Greyhounds Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute. [The message is passed by about 10 people...] Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher! -The Simpsons, The PTA Disbands Homer: Give it back, or well bust in there and take it! Shelbys Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look! Homer: Stupider like a FOX! -The Simpsons, Lemon of Troy You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try. -Homer Simpson, Burnss Heir Springfield will have its first annual Do What You Feel festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our Do As We Say festival, started by German settlers in 1946. -Kent Brockman, Barts Inner Child Here are your messages. You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube. -Homer Simpson, Homer the Smithers Bart: Theres a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way. Chester: Okay. Bart: Do you know what radon is? Chester: No. Bart: Gnight. -The Simpsons, The Day Violence Died Mom, theres a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dads upstairs. -Lisa Simpson, The Day Violence Died Ms. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. Ms. Hoover: I dont know why. Its a perfectly cromulent word. -The Simpsons, Lisa the Iconoclast Charles Bronsonlike boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies? Charles Bronsonlike mom: No dice. Boy: This aint over.

-The Simpsons, The Old Man And The Key Chief Wiggum: You know, its kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over. Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief? Chief Wiggum: Not really. -The Simpsons, The Old Man And The Key Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right? Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? Cash bribes only! Lets go. -The Simpsons, The Wandering Juvie Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch? Bart: No. Homer: Oh, when a boy doesnt wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong! Abe: Ill play catch with you, son! Homer: Get the hell out! -The Simpsons Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy? Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad. Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses! -The Simpsons, "'Tis the Fifteenth Season" Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend! -The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival" Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside. Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously. -The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series" Oh, pardon me, Santosif that is your real name, Bart Simpsonbut your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split. -Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny" [Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless... -Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny" Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? -Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny" Willy: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeeve him to the church Bart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church? Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me! -The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny" Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. -Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season" Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zelot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! [gibberish] Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy! -The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore" What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with themas is my understanding... -Bart Simpson Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques. Kang: Look behind you. [Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.] Kang: Insemination complete. [His helmet snaps back into place.] Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick. Kang: What are you implying? Marge: Nothing, nothing. -The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX" Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? Principal Skinner: No, Mother! Agnes: You sissy! -The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes" English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?! -Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art" All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like meso let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -Homer Simpson Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie. -Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper" Good morning, class. A certain agitatorfor privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"has raised concerns about certain school policies... -Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian" Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup. Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case! Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart, go to your room! -The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian" Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue... -Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! Oh, okay, I'll send you a check. -Homer Simpson Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man. Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job. Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig. -The Simpsons Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. -The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. -Homer Simpson, "Team Homer" Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there. -Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands" I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb. -Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius" Homer: What do you think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer... something something". Marge: "Go crazy"? Homer: Don't mind if I do! [insane gibberish] -The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V" Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Bart: Isn't that the wrong way? Homer: Yeah, but faster! -The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max" Burns: I suggest you leave immediately. Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? -The Simpsons, "Burns' Heir" I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a practice. The system works! -Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom" I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down". -Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files" The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs] -Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer" Marge: I don't want you stalking people! Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going outside...to...stalk...Lenny and Carl... D'oh! -The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"

Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian. Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes? -The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath" Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. -The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown" Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence. -Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died" Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. -Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish" Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? -Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are... -Ralph Wiggum Homer: D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer! -The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant" Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice. -Marge Simpson, "Home Away From Homer" Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. Ms. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word. -The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast" Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story. Homer: Exactly Its just a bunch of stuff that happened. -The Simpsons, Blood Feud This is indeed a disturbing universe. -Maggie Simpson, Treehouse of Horror V