Jokes and funny short stories Part 1

Seen on a restroom wall: "God is dead: Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead: God."

A Universal Philosophical Refutation A philosopher once had the following dream. First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say." *** Math, Physics, & Philosophy Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." *** Tracker A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!" *** Sherlock Holmes and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!" ***

Irish Wife At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." *** Language Problem A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foulmouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"! *** Genie In The Lamp A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?" *** Chemist's Bad Day Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!" ***

Shopping A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that? The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit." *** Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing" *** Advice A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens." *** Sign of the Times A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my

backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." *** Magician A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" *** Gorilla It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." *** Bats A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!" *** Duck A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any duck feed?"

*** Lippy Parrot On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard." *** Cows The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin." ***

jokes and funny stories Part 2

Some Things You Just Can't Explain A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain." *** To Absent Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking! *** Drink 'Till She's Cute A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"! *** A man, an ostrich, and a cat A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?" The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?" The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy." The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?" The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." *** Mixed Drink A girl goes into a bar. She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's." He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.

The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's." He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again. The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila." He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's." She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore." *** Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..." *** Getting Out of A Ticket A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. *** Smart-Ass Cop Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me." *** Heavenly Justice Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf

course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God andsaid, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?" *** Golf Ball Two Golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!" His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it." *** College Letters A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" *** Autopsy An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?" *** Skin Graft A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything

you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' "My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'' *** Mental Patient John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry." *** New Career A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..." *** Smart Irishman An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone." *** The Fast Surgeon Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation." So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to reattach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours.

"How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!" *** Charlies Wife In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" *** Shredder The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" *** The Sack An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." *** Blond Cops A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!" *** Home Early A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart

attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!" *** Flying First Class On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." *** News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" *** Indian Names This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" *** Walking the Dog A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl went to the garage and asked, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you." Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home." *** School Question Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" ***

Hiking A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. "Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!" "I earned it hiking," replied the boy. "Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?" "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"! *** Ghost A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!" *** Lone Ranger A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." *** Lunch There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says. Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else." The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch." *** Jealous Blond A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

*** Mail A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail." *** Teacher A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which LittleJohnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." *** Birds & The Bees A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the "there's no Santa" speech. At 7, I got the "there's no Easter Bunny" speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the "there's no tooth fairy" speech. IF you tell me that grownups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for." ***

Anecdotes and English Language Teaching www.onestopenglish.com What are anecdote activities? Anecdotes are extended speaking tasks which give students the opportunity to talk about things that matter to them. The main purpose of an anecdote is to develop fluency, improve accuracy and encourage the use of more complex linguistic structures. We have found the following strategies helpful in getting our students to tell their anecdotes successfully. 1 Choose global topics that everybody can relate to Anecdotes aim to encourage students to experiment with and grow more competent at using language at the more demanding end of their range. It therefore seems only fair to ask them to talk about subjects they know something about. With familiar subject matter students can concentrate on how they are speaking rather than what they are speaking about. 2 Allow sufficient preparation time Students need time to assemble their thoughts and the Anecdotes are set up though evocative questions. Students read or listen to a planned series of questions and choose what specifically they will talk about; shyer students can avoid matters they feel are too personal. Once they have assembled their thoughts, students need further time to think about the language they will need. This two-stage student preparation time is vital and should not be rushed. Research, by Peter Skehan and Pauline Foster among others, has shown that learners who plan for tasks attempt more ambitious and complex language, hesitate less and make fewer basic errors. The simplest way to prepare students for an Anecdote is to ask them to read the list of questions in the book and decide which they want to talk about. This could be done during class time or as homework preparation for the following lesson. The questions have check boxes so that students can tick the ones they are interested in. Ask them to think about the language they will need. Encourage them to use dictionaries and make notes but not to write out what they will actually say. Finally, put them into pairs to exchange Anecdotes. A variation is to ask the students to read the questions in the book while, at the same time, listening to you read them aloud. Then ask them to prepare in detail for the task, as above. Alternatively, ask the students to close their books and then to close their eyes. Ask them to listen to the questions as you read them aloud and think about what they evoke. Some classes will find this a more involving process. It also allows you to adapt the questions to your class: adding new ones or missing out ones you think inappropriate. After the reading, give them enough time to finalise their preparation before starting the speaking task. 3 Monitor students and give feedback It is important for students to feel that their efforts are being monitored by the teacher. Realistically, it is probably only possible for a teacher to monitor and give feedback to one or two pairs of students during each Anecdote activity. It is therefore vital that the teacher

adopts a strict rota system and makes sure that everyone in the class is monitored over the course of a term. Constructive feedback helps students improve their delivery. 4 Provide a model anecdote It is always useful for the students to hear a model Anecdote at some stage during the Anecdote activity. The most obvious model is you the teacher. Alternatively you might ask a teaching colleague or friend to talk to the students or record something that can be played back in class. 5 Repeat the same anecdote with a new partner at regular intervals Consider going back to Anecdotes and repeating them in later classes. Let the students know that you are going to do this. This will reassure them that you are doing it on purpose, but more importantly, it will mean that they will be more motivated to dedicate some time and thought to preparation. When you repeat the task, mix the class so that each student works with a new partner, i.e. one who has not previously heard the Anecdote. Repeating complex tasks reflects real interactions. We all have our set pieces: jokes, stories. And we tend to refine and improve them as we retell them. Many students will appreciate the opportunity to do the same thing in their second language, and research by Martin Bygate among others has shown that given this opportunity they become more ambitious and at the same time more precise in the language they use. Carrying them out Option 1 The easiest way to do an anecdote activity is as follows. Give your students a list of leading questions to read and ask them to tick the questions they can or want to answer. This allows them to take control of the activity and also means that shyer students can avoid matters they feel are too personal. Then give them planning time to think about both what they are going to say and how they are going to say it. Be on hand to help them and encourage them to use dictionaries and make notes, but discourage them from writing out what they will actually say. The planning stage need not take more than ten minutes, but students are more likely to be adventurous and use more complex language if they have had time to think about it. Research has shown that students who plan for tasks attempt more ambitious language, hesitate less and make fewer basic errors. After the preparation time, ask students to work in pairs and to exchange anecdotes. Option 2 The following is another way of doing an anecdote activity. Ask students to listen to you reading the leading questions aloud. Tell them to close their eyes if they wish and just to listen and to allow thoughts to come into their minds as you speak. Read the questions aloud, slowly, in your most hypnotic tones, pausing for a few seconds between questions while the students' memories are activated. Some classes will find this a more involving process. It also allows you to adapt the questions to your class, adding new ones or missing out ones you

think are inappropriate. After the reading, give the students time to prepare in detail for the speaking task and put them in pairs to exchange anecdotes. Post par Karn 17:14 - "Brush up your English" workshop - Commentaires [23] Rtroliens [0] - Permalien [#]
PARTAGER :

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

A Project of The Internet TESL Journal
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. If you know a joke that works well with ESL/EFL students, please submit the joke.

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Newest Jokes | Short Jokes | Riddles | Puns | Long Jokes | Misuse of English

Short Jokes
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bowwow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Molt

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Cludia Almeida

A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Molt

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan

When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:

Phone rings: "Green, green!" They answer: "Yellow?" They ask: "White?" They hang up: "Pink!" While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China

Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts. Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replys, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

Bank Teller: How do you like the money? English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)

"Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)

"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

"I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me."

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...yes and no.

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin

Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho

A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others running?

Submitted by: Girish Chavan

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan

Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Submitted by Kyle Jefferson

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

Submitted by lisbeth

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville

I used to be a werewoolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

Submitted by Eric Vadot

"Spell SPOT three times." "S P O T , S P O T , S P O T" "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik

In a restaurant:

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues

One teacher said this to his students before the final test. "A" is for God. "B" is for me and my wife. "C" is for the perfect student. "D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful? God said to man --- So that you will love them. Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb? God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.

This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.

REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Knock Knock Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who's there?

Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon

(For advanced learners... and teachers?) Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!" His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe? He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw? 2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis

You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

Submitted by Jozef Karpat

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?" "No.What?" "Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)

Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Submitted by r.d.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Submitted by Shahirah Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Submitted by Anonymous

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!" Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy? Woman : Who cares?! (Use as an example of a sexist joke.)
Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan

Basic version 1-25

The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes. 1. A man wanted to drive to Littlemorehampton. He lost his way. He stopped and asked someone, "Which is the road to Littlemorehampton?" "Turn right until you arrive at the farm of Mr Humbert." "But which farm is Mr Humbert's?" "The one on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton." 2. A man and a woman wanted to buy a flat. The agent took them to a cheap flat to look. They did not like it very much. The woman said, "It is important to know - is it insulated?" "Yes" said a voice from the flat above them, "But the insulation doesn't work." 3. The teacher said, "Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can." The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face. "Can you see my face?" "No." "Can you hear my voice?" "Yes." "What does that prove?" "You are talking through your hat."

(To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense) 4. A young singer went to a small town to sing in a concert. His agent was encouraging him. "The audience seems ordinary. In fact they are now rich. They grow tomatoes." "I will not sing," said the singer. "I will return to London. Tomatoes are expensive there. No one will throw tomatoes at me if I do not sing well in London." 5. A small child met his new teacher for the first time. "Are you good?" asked the teacher. "I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with." 6. Two men were talking in a bar. One said, "My problem is I do not like my mother-in-law but she lives with us. Yesterday, I tried to solve my problem. I went to the public house and I drank too much. I forgot my problems. But when I returned home - there were two mothers-in-law waiting." 7. A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied. "At last," he said, "I have found a pair of shoes that fit me." "I am not surprised," replied the weary salesman, "They are your own shoes." 8. A woman was very angry with her husband. "I understand you have been telling people that I nag you." "No. People tell me." "What do you mean?" "They tell me that you are a nag. I reply, 'Why should you need to tell me?'" 9. A husband complained to his friend: "I can never keep a secret from my wife. She always knows when I lie. I do not know why a scientist invented a machine to detect lies. My wife is better than any machine." 10. A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain. Afterwards, he said to a local, "How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape." "O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir." "Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner. "They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows." 11. People from Scotland are notorious for meanness. One of them went to a ski resort.

He said to the ski instructor, "I want to learn to ski. I want to ski using one leg only." "Yes sir. Why only one leg?" "Because I will only need one ski. It will be cheaper for me than to hire two." 12. Tarzan is a character from books and films who lives in the jungle with the animals and his wife Jane. One day Jane asked him why, when he moved through the trees, swinging from branch to branch, he shouted so loudly. He replied that a pharmaceutical company paid him to do so. The company makes pills for people who have sore throats and cannot speak loudly. Tarzan sucks the pills and the company films him and his loud shouts. They use the film for publicity to prove that their pills are effective. 13. At the optician's, a customer asked, "Are my new glasses ready?" "Yes sir," replied the optician who was a pretty girl. "Try them." He did and was satisfied. He said, "I can see you very well. Good-bye young man." 14. Scientists wanted to study a meeting between a man and a female gorilla. They found a stupid man and asked him if he would meet a female gorilla for $5,000. He said yes, but made three conditions. One, someone with a gun must stay in the cage with them to protect him. Two, the gorilla must wear lipstick to make her pretty. Three, he did not want to pay all the money at once, but in three payments. 15. Two friends meet in a bar. One says to the other, "I understand your wife has abandoned you. You must be very sorry. I suggest you go home and drink a lot of beer to forget your troubles." "I cannot." "Why not? Do not you have any beer?" "Yes I have beer. But I have no troubles to forget." 16. A lecherous king once wanted to seduce a lady of his court. He tried many methods but she resisted them all. Finally, he asked directly, "Which is the quickest way to your bedroom?" At once, she replied with a smile, "First we must go to the church (to get wed), then we can go to the bedroom." 17. A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. The shopkeeper offered him one. He

rejected it. The shopkeeper was annoyed. He said, "I'm sure it will give satisfaction. I sold one to a lady half an hour ago. She was very pleased with it." "Perhaps she was. I want a muzzle for my dog." 18. In the night an old woman who had never married, used her telephone. She said, "Come quickly. There is a man climbing up the wall. He wants to enter my bedroom through the window." "You have made a mistake. This is the fire brigade. You need the police." "I know what I'm doing. Come at once. I insist. His ladder's too short." 19. One rich women said to another, "It is shameful. Everyone is dishonest." "Why do you think that?" "Today my husband dismissed his cashier." "Why?" "He stole $100 from the till." "How did your husband discover it?" "Because there was $200 missing from the till. I confessed to my husband that I had only taken $100." 20. The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. A man went into a bar in Scotland and bought a ham sandwich. He took a bite but there was no ham. So he complained. The barman told him to bite again. He did - no ham. "That is the explanation" said the barman. "You have already eaten all the ham." 21. The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb. "So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed." "Yes miss," pointed out a youngster. "And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves." 22. Two lecturers were talking. "How do you know when it is time to finish?" "When the students look at their watches every ten minutes, I sum up. When one starts to change the batteries in his watch, I finish." 23. A man and a woman are in a doctor's waiting-room. "Excuse me," said the man timidly. "Are you here, like me, for the operation to change your sex?"

"Yes." "If they fit you, will you exchange your skirt for my trousers?" 24. Father is reading Cinderella to his son to send him to sleep. "Daddy," interrupts the wide-awake youngster, "When the pumpkin changed into a golden carriage, what did Cinderella declare on her tax return - extra income or capital growth?" 25. A man believed alcohol was very dangerous. He invited people to listen to his reasons. At the end he said, "Now you understand how dangerous alcohol is - let us all throw our alcohol into the sea." Silence. One man applauded loudly. "You agree with me?" asked the speaker. "Of course. I am a beach-comber. I collect everything that comes from the sea."

The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes. 26. A teacher was giving a lesson on good manners. "Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?" "I say 'Pardon me'." "Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?" "Step on the other foot to get a second one." 27. A woman visited a family. At the end of her visit, she gave a small coin to the little boy whose family she had been visiting. He put it in his pocket without thanking her. His mother, thinking perhaps he was shy, asked, "What do you reply?" "I don't know." "Yes you do. What do I say when your father gives me money?" "You say 'Is that all?'" 28. A doctor visited a patient who was a married woman. After the examination, he said to her husband outside the room, "I do not like your wife's appearance." "I do not like it either," replied the husband. "But she has a lot of money." 29. A man returned home early to find his son frightened. "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom. He's hidden in mummy's wardrobe." Puzzled, the man went upstairs. His wife was in bed. When the husband opened the

wardrobe door he found his oldest friend inside. "You've been my friend for twenty years," complained the husband angrily. "But now you frighten my little boy." 30. A policeman visited a fortune-teller. "One of your clients has lodged a complaint against you. I must arrest you for fraud." "Which client?" she demanded. "But madam, surely you must know." 31. In class, the teacher said, "I shall write a sentence on the blackboard. Find the error." She wrote, "I did not have very happy holidays." "What is the mistake Henry?" Henry thought. "Perhaps you needed a boyfriend." 32. A big man was accused of beating his wife. He was taken to court. The judge said to him, "How could a big man like you beat such a small woman?" "She made me." "How?" "She repeated 'Beat me? If you do, I will find a judge stupid enough to send you to prison'." The judge thought. Then he said, "You are innocent." 33. (In England, when you talk to a judge in court, you call him "my lord".) A man was arrested for being drunk. He was taken to court and appeared before a judge. Still drunk, he protested that he was innocent. "I was as drunk as you are. As drunk as a Judge." The judge was annoyed. He corrected the man "The expression is 'As sober as a Judge'. We say 'As drunk as a Lord'". "Yes my Lord. Sorry my Lord. Well that is how drunk I was." 34. Two psychiatrists were talking. One said, "One of my patients thinks that he is a taxi." "Can you cure him?" "No. Why should I?" "Every weekday after work he carries me home." 35. In court, the accused man was clearly guilty. His lawyer did not know what to say to the judge. Finally, he said, "It is Christmas. A time for pity and goodwill." "I agree," said the judge. "I will make a decision next week."

36. A mother always gave her child a spoonful of cod liver oil for her health. The child hated the taste. So she insisted that her grandmother, not her mother, measure the spoonful. "Why?" asked her mother. "Because she trembles," replied the child. 37. Two old ladies were talking. "How is your grandson getting on? " asked one. "Fine, fine. You know he works in a theatre? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a horse. Now he's been promoted to the front legs." 38. A stockbroker went to hospital and had an operation. When it was over, he was part asleep, part awake. The nurse measured his temperature. The patient heard her say, "98.4 doctor." "Good," said the stockbroker patient, half-asleep. "At 100, you must sell." 39. A man went into a travel agent. He asked for a brochure on Greece. The brochure had pictures of all the famous Greek sites. "I see only ruins," he said, "Not temples and palaces. So do you give discounts?" 40. Two mothers were talking. One admitted, "I am too strict with my little boy." "Why should you think so?" "Yesterday I took him to a big shop. I lost him. A store detective found him. But when he asked the boy his name, the child replied, "I'm 'John Don't-touch-that'." 41. A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford university. At the end of it, he was asked, "When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?" "Of course I will," he replied, "But I'll always use a knife and fork." 42. A ten-year-old daughter of rich parents was very spoilt and vain. Every person she met, she would tell, "I am the daughter of General X." Her mother tried to correct her. "You must not boast to everyone who your father is." "Sorry Mummy." The next day, mother and daughter were walking when they met an old friend of the family whom they had not seen for some time.

"Aren't you General X's daughter?" she asked the child. "I always thought I was", replied the malicious little girl, "But mummy tells me I must be more modest and not say who my father really is." 43. There was a science teacher in a laboratory with his class. He said, "First, I take a fly. Now I put it under a microscope. Then I say 'Go away fly'. Now you see - it obeyed me. It has flown off. Second, I take the same fly. I remove its wings. Then I say 'Go away fly'. But you see - it stays. Conclusion - it is not listening." 44. In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was examining a patient. "Why are you laughing so heartily?" "I was telling myself funny stories and I'd just told one I'd never heard before." 45. A television producer was invited by an impresario to audition a dog. The dog talked, sang and told stories. The producer was very pleased and gave the dog a contract to sign. But a larger dog entered the studio. It seized the performing dog and dragged it away. "What happened?" asked the producer. "That was its mother," said the impresario with regret. "She wants her son to become a doctor instead." 46. Two rabbits were in a wood. They talked about another rabbit, a friend of theirs called Johnny. "How is he nowadays?" "He was very successful. He ended his life in Paris. Now people think he is a mink." 47. A couple were watching television. The programme showed horses show-jumping. One horse jumped very badly. "Turn off the television for a while," said the wife. "Allow that tired horse to recover." 48. An American teacher told his class how Christopher Columbus had discovered America. "He was very brave. He took a risk. Without him, there would be no United States today." All the children looked impressed except one. "Don't you think Columbus was a hero?" "No Miss." "Why not?" "I am an Indian." 49. A man who worked at the docks went to the doctor. The doctor knew that the man drank a lot of alcohol and that can result in damage to the liver. So he warned,

"If you continue like this, you could have a serious problem. In future, I recommend you restrict yourself to water." Some months later, the doctor met his patient on the quay and said, "I hope you took my advice." "Yes doctor," replied the man. "I changed my job. Now I am a diver and I spend all my life in the water." 50. A young catfish lived, like all catfish, on the bottom of the pond. But one day, for a change, it swam to the surface. It happened that a cat was looking into the water. So the tiny catfish, very impressed, swam down again quickly. It called to its mother, "Quick, quick. I have seen God." 51. In a violent city, a wife whose husband had been unfaithful, visited her lawyer. "I want to divorce him," she said. "That is easy, madam," replied the lawyer. "Give me 500 dollars to begin work." "Five hundred dollars?" She was amazed. "I have changed my mind. I can arrange his execution for less money." 52. Two men liked to read books about detectives, murder and mystery. When they were travelling together, one asked the other, "What is the subject of your book?" "The French Revolution in 1789." "Has anyone been killed yet?" "Yes. The King. Louis the Fourteenth." "Have you discovered who was the criminal responsible yet?" 53. Mary went to a restaurant and asked for a job as a waitress. "Do you have any references?" asked the owner. "I worked for five years in a famous restaurant." "Can you prove it?" "Easily. I can show you one of the many spoons that I stole from them." 54. One night at sea, there was a thick fog. The captain of a boat noticed lights approaching. He assumed it was another ship. To avoid a collision, he called through his megaphone, "You must change course ten degrees south." The answer came back, "No. You must change course ten degrees north." Annoyed, he shouted, "I'm a captain. I order you to change course ten degrees south. The answer was, "I'm a lighthouse-keeper. I order you to change course ten degrees north." (A lighthouse is a tower built on rocks near a dangerous part of the sea. It has a light to warn approaching ships. A keeper lives in the lighthouse to ensure the light is always burning.)

55. A husband called a plumber to mend a leak. His wife watched the plumber at work. Then she said discreetly to her husband on his return home, "I do not think that plumber is very competent." "Why not?" "As soon as he entered the kitchen, he put on a lifebelt." 56. A Mr and Mrs Jones went on holiday to the seaside. On their first evening, they went to a restaurant and Mr Jones ordered steak. "What are you thinking of? " asked his wife. "Here we are by the sea. We should eat fish." "You're quite right, dear," he replied. "Waiter, change that to a trout." (Trout is a river fish, not a sea fish.) 57. At a primary school for the smallest children. It was the time between lessons and the children were in the playground. One little boy said, "I am worried about arithmetic. Suppose our teacher tells me that I have four apples and I must share them between us five? What do I say? It's impossible." "No," said a little girl, "It's easy. You stew the apples first." 58. A receptionist went into her doctor's consulting room. She told the doctor, "There is one more patient for you to see. He says he has visited all the other doctors in town." "What is his complaint?" "All the other doctors in town." To complain = to say that you are not satisfied Complaint = dissatisfaction but also complaint = illness 59. A young man told his father that his military service, which he had just completed, had been very difficult. His father disagreed. "I obtained an easy job for you in the Air Force. You lived at home and drove to work daily." "I am complaining about the traffic jams." 60. Two sheep were talking. "You look really tired," one said. "I know," replied the other. "I had to count 500 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep." Note - it is traditional when you cannot sleep to imagine you are counting sheep. It is so dull and repetitive, it sends you to sleep.

61. A young man in love wanted to tell his girl-friend how much he loved her. "I would risk crossing fire or water for you," he declared passionately. She was not impressed. She replied, "I know. But you are a fireman." 62. Three men, grandfather, father and son, lived together. At the other end of the village lived a woman called Blodwen who sold her charms for money. One afternoon, the son said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." After two hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!" Next morning, the father said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." After four hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!" Next day, the grandfather said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." Two days later, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What patience! What patience!" 63. An old man's wife died. At the same time, his cow died. He was sad that his wife was dead but extremely sorry to lose the cow. The local vicar criticised him. "You seem sorrier about the cow than about your wife. But a wife is more valuable than a mere cow." "Not true," replied the old man. "I have proof. At least ten women have offered to replace my wife. But no one has offered to replace my cow." 64. A scientist has produced a new bird. One parent was a parrot and the other was a homing pigeon. The scientist explained his idea. "If, coming home, the pigeon loses itself, it will be able to talk like a parrot. It can ask someone to tell it the way home." 65. A man decided to divorce his wife. He explained to the judge in the court, "My wife would not cook proper meals for me. At first, she would open a tin of food and heat it in the oven. Then, she would simply put the unopened tin in the fridge. Finally, she would not even do that. She left a note telling me where to find a recipe." 66. A man and his wife went to their cottage in the country for the weekend. The wife phoned the neighbour who was a very pretty girl. "Please will you put on a bikini and have a sunbathe in your garden?" "Yes. But why do you want me to do that?" "I want my husband to cut the hedge. If I ask him to, he will refuse. If he sees you there, he will cut the hedge without asking, as an excuse to admire your figure."

67. Mary, a newly-wed, phoned her mother. "Do you think you could persuade Daddy to lend me his car tomorrow morning?" "Has your husband's broken down then?" "No, but he promised to teach me to drive." 68. A reporter often interviewed famous people. But they were very busy people and often they had told their secretaries not to interrupt them. The reporter imagined a trick which would persuade the people to answer their phone. He phoned - the secretary replied, saying "What do you want?" He would answer in a low voice "It's a personal matter. Tell him 'THIS IS THE HUSBAND'." The important person usually had a guilty conscience about some woman and would answer the phone at once, personally, to prevent his secretary finding out more. 69. John became hoarse. He went to the doctor's, rang the bell and a nurse opened the door. "Is the doctor in?" John whispered. The nurse looked at his face which was hidden by a scarf and thought she understood the situation. She replied, "No sir. The doctor's out. You can come in. You are safe. His wife is quite alone." 70. A teacher set an arithmetic problem. "You have six pounds in your pocket. You lose four. What do you have in your pocket?" Quickly came the answer - "A hole." 71. A boy of five years old went to a big shop with his mother. By mistake they became separated. The boy did not panic or cry. He went to the nearest shop employee and said, "Please sir. My mother is lost. Please find her. Tell her I shall wait at the toy counter. And she must not worry about me." 72. (In England, doctors are notorious for hand-writing that is difficult to understand.) A woman criticised her adult daughter. "You are engaged to be married to a doctor but you spend so much time every day with a chemist." "I must, Mummy. Only the chemist can read the love letters he writes me." 73. Two men were drinking in a pub. One said, "You look miserable. What is the problem?" "I've discovered that I talk in my sleep." "Well that's not serious." "It is when it happens in the office."

74. When a robber entered a woman's house at night, she surprisingly arrested him and called the police. The sergeant congratulated her. "But," he said, "You should not have hit him so hard or so many times." "Sorry officer," she replied." The fact is, my husband has not come home and I thought, at first, it was him." 75. A man who had drunk a lot of beer, went to the office where they register births, marriages and deaths. He entered and said, "Morning fellows, I want to register the birth of twins." "Of course," replied the official. "But why did you say fellows? I am the only person here." "Oh," the happy father hesitated. "Perhaps I'll return to the clinic and count the babies again." 76. The doctor used his stethoscope on the patient. Finally, he said, "I hesitate between appendicitis and brain damage. I'll come back tomorrow. Don't worry. If you're still alive, it's appendicitis." 77. A tax inspector went into the African jungle and found a tribe which had never paid taxes before. He explained that he wanted some of their money, but not for himself. "The money will go to the government," he said. "But they will spend it on you. They will make sure you are never hungry." "I understand," replied the native." It is the same thing as if I cut the tail off my dog to give it something to eat." 78. A butcher made his own meat paste and sold it in his shop. A customer asked what the contents were. "It is made of beef and quail," he answered. "But quail is an expensive, small bird and your paste is not dear. Is your paste really half and half?" "It certainly is. I put in one cow for each quail." 79. (In England, unlike elsewhere in Europe, the contents of sausages is always a mystery. Often it is better not to know what is inside.) A butcher in a small town always boasted that he never ate sausages. He did not eat other butchers' sausages because he did not know what was in them. He did not eat his own sausages because he knew - only too well - what was in them. 80. A little boy came to the garden gate but, seeing a big dog, he hesitated to enter.

"Come in my dear," called out the owner. "He doesn't bite." "No?" replied the child, "but does he swallow?" 81. Joe bought a talking parrot. He told his friends it could recite Shakespeare. They did not believe him. In fact they bet him a pound it would not say a word. The parrot remained silent. An angry Joe had to pay a pound to each of his betting friends. When the friends had left, Joe complained to his bird, "First I paid a lot of money to buy you. Now I have had to pay when I lost my bet." "It does not matter," replied the parrot, proving again that it could speak. "Next time, you bet one hundred pounds, not just one, and I will recite a complete Shakespeare play." 82. A tramp begged money from a person who was passing. "Give me five pounds." "Five pounds is a lot of money. Why?" "To buy lunch. I haven't eaten yet." "I haven't eaten lunch either." "Good. Give me ten pounds and I will buy your lunch for you." 83. A little girl was grimacing. Her old aunt did not like to see that. She warned, "When I was your age, my mummy said if I continued to grimace, I would become ugly." The child considered a moment. then she said, "You should have listened to your mummy." 84. A private detective made his report to his client who was a jealous married woman. "I've followed your husband for two days now. He went into ten ladies boutiques and ten ladies hairdressers." "I knew it!" sighed the woman. "How many mistresses does he keep?" "None madam. I've made enquiries everywhere. He was looking for you." 85. (It is a tradition that, before someone is executed, he is offered a last request - like a cigarette or a drink.) The criminal started to climb the ladder to the scaffold to be executed. The executioner stopped him. He offered him the traditional last drink. The criminal refused. "When I drink whisky, I suffer bellyache for a week afterwards." 86. (Peanuts are considered small and worthless. They are food for monkeys.) Does a man who trains monkeys earn a lot of money? No. He only receives peanuts.

87. A man and a woman were both very shy. For years, they had spent time together, which they both enjoyed. One day, the woman decided to be brave. She suggested, "Don't you think, dear, it is time to marry?" "Yes," the man replied. "But who would marry us?" 88. (Figaro is the name of the hero of several operas.) A woman bought a cat and called him Figaro. Every night between ten and eleven o'clock the cat comes indoors to eat. When he is late, the woman goes out into the garden and calls "Figaro, Figaro." One day, she heard her young daughter talking to a school friend. Her daughter explained where she lived. "I know," replied the other child. "That's the house where the lady sings opera outside her front door in the middle of the night." 89. (It is a tradition after a marriage for the couple to have a holiday, called a honeymoon. Originally, it lasted a month [a moon] and they ate honey [to make them amorous].) An American couple went to Europe for their honeymoon. On their return, the bride visited her mother who asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "OK. John was the same as usual." "How was Europe?" "OK." "What impressed you most in Europe?" The bride thought. Then she said, "John". 90. A new tiger arrived in the circus. The other tigers greeted him with, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was kind, dedicated and...delicious." 91. Two women were talking about a third who had spent a long time in hospital. They discussed the horrible details of her illness and one said, "Her leg was amputated. They even removed the foot." 92. An old Russian proverb says: "No man keeps warm long by peeing in his shoe". 93. (This is a pun. To understand the joke you need to know: to multiply is a process in arithmetic. It also means to breed. to add is a process in arithmetic. Adder is another name for a viper.)

After the flood had subsided, Noah said to the animals, "Go forth and multiply." "I can't," replied a snake. "I'm only an adder." 94. A driver was lost in the countryside. He did not like to admit it so only asked a local, "How far down that road is the village called Little Wallop?" The countryman did not seem very intelligent. He thought before he answered, "If I can remember and if what I learnt at school was correct, the village is about 6 thousand miles away. But if you turn and go the other way, it is three miles away." 95. A snobbish pair of townies were driving in the countryside when they lost their way. Seeing a local rustic, the husband asked, "Is this the road to Little Wallop, my man?" No answer. The wife said impatiently, "Forget him George - the man's a fool." "I may be a fool," said the local man slowly, "But I'm not lost." 96. A woman driver had an accident. The car went into a ditch. A man arrived with a horse and cart. "Don't worry," he consoled. "It doesn't take me more than an hour to pull pregnant women out of ditches." "But I'm not pregnant." "And you're not out of the ditch yet either." 97. Why are girls always so bad at geometry? Because boys are used to looking at curves. 98. A boy met a very innocent girl and went to bed with her. Afterwards, she asked, "My mummy always told me to be good. Was I?" (to be good = to behave well to be good at something = to perform something well) 99. Back in Victorian England, a colonel married a young girl. While they were in bed the morning after, she asked him, "Do ordinary soldiers do this with their women?" "Yes m'dear." "And sergeants with their wives? "Yes m'dear." "Well tell them to stop - it's too good for them."

100. "Waiter I want two pieces of toast please." "Of course, sir." "Just a minute. The first piece must be black one side and white the other. The second one must be half soggy, half brittle." "I'm not sure we can manage that." "You did yesterday morning."