Effects of Shame and Vulnerability on Human Behavior

Part of the difficulty of explaining the complexity of human emotion lies in the challenge of figuring out what is innatewhat we are born to feel, think, and doand what is created as a result of our upbringing and experiences in dealing with lifes challenges the creation of our lifes story. When it comes to vulnerability and feelings of shame, they are not things that are commonly discussed or acknowledged; they are simply innate feelings we recognize when we encounter them but never identify. Vulnerability itself is the capability or susceptibility to being wounded or hurt, or being especially open to criticism, judgment, or temptation. In the emotional journey to leading an authentic life in which you can achieve selfcontentment, vulnerability has to be acknowledged and embraced. In this same journey its possible to realize that imperfection ironically leads you closer to a complete life. To the people in our society, attempts at embracing imperfections and acknowledging vulnerability while at the same time rejecting feelings of shame are often scoffed at. Everyday life is seen as a hustlenot necessarily for money, wealth, or the oft perceived most important social statusbut rather for acceptance and connection. Scientific research shows that humans are born with the desire for connection. A baby clings to its mother as its lifeline; a child starting school suddenly realizes that everyone is a friend of someone else and does not want to be left out for fear of being mocked. These connections define us and we spend our whole life looking for these meaningful connections with others. The irony of this is that while we seek connections and acceptance from those we like to associate ourselves with, we are rewarded by society for making it on our own. Asking for help is weak and sharing emotionsespecially when you share to not necessarily look for a conclusion or an answer, but to be heard should be unnecessary. In our journey to be accepted, wouldnt it be simple for us to just be ourselves and gravitate like a magnet towards those who understand, support, and value the same ideals we do? Of course it is not that easy. We act like chameleons in the act of selfpreservation; we mold and shape ourselves to find acceptance wherever we can get it almost like an addiction. Changing yourself and who you are to gain these connections is a miniscule price to pay and also means you also get to avoid vulnerability and shame, two extremely uncomfortable emotions. Shame is something that can be described as sneaky or a feeling that seeps over you, engulfing your body often leading to physical symptoms. Shame is also not to be confused with feeling guilt. You feel guilt generally over an action while shame is a negative reflection of who you are as a person. You can use the mind of a young child as an example: after doing something wrong they may say I did something badwhich would refer to guiltor I was badreferring to feelings of shame. Guilt can actually end up being a positive emotionleading to re-evaluation, an apology, or necessary

reflection. Shame is what can corrupt our whole being and lead us to look for acceptance and meaningful connections with non-genuine methods or worse, not feel like we deserve it at all. Socially, vulnerability can lead to people having the fear of being authentic with others and lead to existing as less who they actually are, and more who everyone else wants them to be. Everyone has known these thoughts: What if I think Im good enough, but no one else does? No one can ever find out about __ Im not __ enough so therefore what I want and need is not important. What if people like the person who I am pretending to be better than what Im really like? Recognizing this is one thing, but how do you actually fix this? One of the most important steps to fixing this is being able to emotionally take ownership of who we are, and our story of how we got here. Everyone has their own childhood, and more than likely issues with that upbringing that they still carry with them today and thats okay. Being able to share our story can lead to meaningful connections with othersoften people whom we refer to as our good friends or close familybecause when youre not changing yourself for the sake of others you receive that true and honest acceptance we are all hardwired to look for. Shame is often underestimated as to the destructive power it wields. Shame finds itself in all sorts of uncomfortable yet familiar placeswealth and social status, body image, family, religion, age, and sexuality. When we are feeling shameful we feel we are unworthy of any acceptance or love from others. Everyone feels shame at times, its a common human emotionthe difference is there exist people who learn to recognize what shame is, when they are feeling shameful, reach out and talk with people they trust, and are cognizant and self-aware of their own expectations. So many of us create an unwritten list of things we must accomplish before we view ourselves worthy of acceptance and belonging and until we accomplish those (mostly unrealistic) expectations we subject ourselves to feeling shameful. Shame also thrives under vulnerable conditions. When we put ourselves out there it can be one of the scariest things in the world. We are opening ourselves up to ridicule, criticism, judgment, snickering, glares, and much more. In the other seat, for those who see our deepest vulnerability they are in a position of power; it is far easier to be critical, rude, condescending, and judgmental than to put your authentic self on the line courageously for others to see. When we are especially vulnerable, shame can seep in, often leading to psychological issues such as depression, stress, and insomnia.

In all of our relationships our society has trained us to be as least vulnerable as possible and those (sometimes unavoidable) situations in which we are extremely vulnerable can lead to near extreme anxiety: In a potential love interest, who makes the first move beyond flirting (which you can so easily shrug off) and actually initiates a conversation? In a current love interest, when do you say that youre official? What if they dont want the same long-term things I want? Will that lead to our relationship ending? In a friendship, should I tell this story or communicate how I am feeling? Will they empathize, laugh at me, or even worse not say anything? Can I trust them to not humiliate me and keep my emotions private? Can I tell my family what I want for once and will they accept me for it or will they deny me?

You may often find yourself feeling anxious and even physically uncomfortable when we are open and vulnerable with others. For example, you are interacting with someone you are attracted to: You may find yourself hanging on every word he says to try to quell these overwhelming feelings of vulnerability by using them to attempt to determine his feelings or intentions. You may try to make a joke and can hear your heart skip a beat while you wait to see if he laughs or is completely silent. You may even find yourself in a setting in which you have a perfect opportunity to speak the things on your mind and express your feelings and emotions but the mere thought of being that open and vulnerable can make you feel physically sick and bring your body to a complete stop. If you can own your imperfections and use that self-compassion to embrace the vulnerability you would put yourself in by taking that gargantuan step of sharing your feelings with this person, in a positive outcome you have the possibility of finding that love and belonging. Otherwise in the opposite outcome, by owning your own story you are authentic enough to prevent shame from seizing complete control and capitalizing on your vulnerability and discontentment. Being vulnerable is often associated with being weaklook at a computer. If a computer is vulnerable to a virus or hack it is seen as flawed and needs to be fixed right away to avoid any possibility of damage to the unit. This same mindset has been adapted to human interaction but it must be stressed that we are not machines that have to be immune to vulnerability. If we build walls and close ourselves where we have no possibility of being vulnerable we also close ourselves off to the possibility of positive connections. Of course, it can be daunting to put yourself out there and appears to require a seemingly unheard amount of courage to do so, but the only other option is to deal with festering shame and resentment. In order to be completely authentic about ourselves and our story of who we are, we have to first of all, own up to it and accept it. We have to know that we are worthy of acceptance and belonging even with our imperfections. We cannot continue to distance our true selves by being who everyone else wants us to be. The result of this difficult

self-awareness will be meaningful connectionsinstances in which you feel accepted, heard, seen, and valued without judgmentthat satisfy our innate hunger. Embracing our vulnerability is hard but is a better option than giving up entirely on love and belonging. It is a complete challenge to embrace vulnerability, live with our imperfections, and recognize and become resilient to feelings of shame; however it is one that each and every one of us is capable of overcoming in order to gain what we have gone through several figurative flaming hoops in the wrong direction so desperately to findlove, acceptance, belonging, and pure feelings of contentment.