If you never know this is for: just so you know: So don't get lost on FB anymore.......

LMAO - Laughing My As* Off LOL - Laughing Out Loud AFAIK = As Far As I Know AFK = Away From Keyboard ASAP = As Soon As Possible BAS = Big A$$ Smile BBL = Be Back Later BBN = Bye Bye Now BBS = Be Back Soon BEG = Big Evil Grin BF = Boyfriend BIBO = Beer In, Beer Out BRB = Be Right Back BTW = By The Way BWL = Bursting With Laughter C& G = Chuckle and Grin CICO = Coffee In, Coffee Out CID = Crying In Disgrace CNP = Continued (in my) Next Post CP = Chat Post(a chat message) CRBT = Crying Real Big Tears CSG = Chuckle Snicker Grin CYA = See You CYAL8R = See You Later DLTBBB = Dont Let The Bed BugsBite EG = Evil Grin EMSG = Email Message FC = Fingers Crossed FTBOMH = From The Bottom Of My Heart FYI = For Your Information FWIW = For What Its Worth GAL = Get A Life GF = Girlfriend GFN = Gone For Now GMBA = Giggling My Butt Off GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike GTSY = Glad To See You H& K = Hug and Kiss HABU = Have A Better Un HAGN = Have A Good Night HAGU = Have A Good Un HHIS = Hanging Head in Shame

HUB = Head Up Butt IAE = In Any Event IC = I See IGP = I Gotta Pee IMNSHO = In My Not So Humble Opinion IMO = In My Opinion IMCO = In My Considered Opinion IMHO = In My Humble Opinion IOW = In Other Words IRL = In Real Life IWALU = I Will Always Love You JMO = Just My Opinion JTLYK = Just To Let You Know KIT = Keep In Touch KOC = Kiss On Cheek KOL = Kiss On Lips L8R = Later L8R G8 R = Later Gater LHM = Lord Help Me LHO = Laughing Head Off LHU = Lord Help Us LMAO = Laughing My A$ $ Off LMSO = Laughing My Socks Off LOL = Laugh Out Loud LSHMBB = Laughing So Hard My Belly is Bouncing LSHMBH = Laughing So Hard My Belly Hurts LSHTTARDML = Laughing So Hard The Tears Are Running Down My Leg LTNS = Long Time No See LTS = Laughing To Self LUWAMH = Love You With All My Heart LY = Love Ya MTF = More To Follow NRN = No Reply Necessary NADT = Not A Darn Thing OIC = Oh, I See OL = Old Lady (significant other) OM = Old Man (significant other) OTOH = On The Other Hand OTTOMH = Off The Top of My Head PDS = Please Dont Shoot PITA = Pain In The A$$ PM = Private Message

PMFJI = Pardon Me For Jumping In PMP = Peed My Pants POAHF = Put On A Happy Face QSL = Reply QSO = Conversation QT = Cutie ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing ROFLAPMP = ROFL And Peeing My Pants ROFLMAO = ROFL My A$ $ Off ROFLMAOAY = ROFLMAO At You ROFLMAOWTIME = ROFLMAOWith Tears In My Eyes ROFLUTSROFL = Unable to Speak RTFM = Read The F****** Manual! SETE = Smiling Ear To Ear SHID = Slaps Head In Disgust SNERT = Snot-Nosed Egotistical Rude Teenager SO = Significant Other SOT = Short Of Time SOTMG = Short Of Time Must Go SWAK = Sealed With A Kiss SWAS = Scientific Wild A$ $ Guess SWL = Screaming with Laughter SYS = See You Soon TA = Thanks Again TGIF = Thank God Its Friday TCOY = Take Care Of Yourself TILII = Tell It Like It Is TNT = Till Next Time TOY = Thinking Of You TTFN = Ta Ta For Now TTYL = Talk To You Later WAS = Wild A$$ Guess WB = Welcome Back WTH = What/Who The Heck (or sub an F for the H) YBS = Youll Be Sorry YG = Young Gentleman YL = Young Lady YM = Young Man IDC = I Dont Care IDK = I Dont Know AYCOS = Are You Crazy Or Something..!!

******************************************

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis ' 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly

dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A nun went to do urine test & the sample got mix up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried & said, "shit! We cant even trust cucumber anymore!"

I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Your trousers are descending

Dad: Son, our house is on fire! Run! Son: Ok, hang on, I'll just upload a picture about this on Facebook! Dad: Ok, tag me!

A country girl went 2 court 2 testify against a man that raped her & was ask 2 xplain what happened. She said 'the man hol mi dung tek out eh cock push in a mi pussy,' she was stopped by the judge & told not 2 use the words cocky & pussy but use 'penis & vagina' she continued 'he took out his penis & push in my ahhm... ahm... then she shouted across the room,'judge wey u sey mi pussy name again?

A man with 1 hand was about to kill himself, wen he looked up and saw another man running around happily wit no hands.he said to the other man,'how u so happy with no hands,and me have 1 hand and want 2 kill myself?.The man reply' a nuh happy me happy,a me cock a scratch me

Breaking news: A pussy was fucked down in the vicinity of the bedroom at the intersection of the bed and the dresser. The pussy received multiple fucking positions. It is alleged that upon arriving at the bedroom, the pussy was grabbed by a lone fuckerman and given 5 backshots, 2 wheelbarrows, 3 lizard laps, 2 foot pon shoulder and a missionary. The pussy was battered and bruised and left for death. Multiple sperm cells were removed from the crime scene for further investigation. There was no motive for the fucking and the parents r looking for an unknown assailant

Son walks in on his mom and dad having sex and ask wat r u guys doing? Dad replied "putting a little brother into ur mom for u", the little boy smiled said tanx daddy and left. Next day dad found him crying and asked y r u crying? The little boy replied "the bredda weh u put inna mommy fi mi, di mailman suck him out"

Joke of the nite!! Pum pum said to cock "are u stiff or not"? Cock said to pum pum "are u tight or slack" and balls said "cho bloodclaat unnu a fuck or not"??

Next time someone asks you, How are you? it is great to be able to say, Im well. But remember, only Jesus is good. Eternal with the Father, One, Is Jesus Christ, His own dear Son; In Him Gods fullness we can see, For Jesus Christ is deity. God is great and God is good, but without Him we are neither. Read: Matthew 19:16-26

A young wife who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex decides to make a schedule for him. She writes on a piece of paper: "Honey, you know I love you but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and tired. So I propose we have sex on days that begin with 'T'. Don't be mad." On her way out she places her proposal on the refrigerator. Upon returning she notices her note has been replaced with a note from her husband reading: "Baby, I didn't realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and even listed those days starting with 'T' to make sure we are on the same page. 1. TUESDAY 2. THURSDAY 3. TODAY 4. TONIGHT 5. TOMORROW 6. TATURDAY 7. TUNDAY 8. Every TUCKING day P.S. I love you too and its still TODAY. I'm waiting for you upstairs

A king once had a slave who, in all circumstances said: "My king, do not be discouraged because everything God does is perfect, no mistakes..." One day, they went hunting and a wild animal attacked the king, the slave managed to kill the animal but couldn't prevent his majesty losing a finger. Furious and without showing gratitude, the King said; "if God was good, I would not have been attacked and lost one finger!" The slave replied: "Despite all these things,I can only tell you that God is good and everything he does is perfect, He is never wrong!" Outraged by the response, the king ordered the arrest of his slave. Later, he left for another hunt and was captured by savages who made human sacrifices. In the altar, the savages found out that the king didn't have one finger in place so he was released because he was considered not "complete" to be offered to the gods... On his return to the palace, he authorized the release of his slave saying; "My dear,God was really good to me! I was almost killed but for lack of a single finger I was let go! But I have a question: if God is so good, why did He allow me put you in jail?" His reply: "My king, if I had gone with you, I would have been sacrificed for you because I have no missing finger." Remember, everything God does is perfect, He is never wrong... Often we complain about life, and the negative things that happen to us, forgetting that nothing is random, and that everything has a purpose...

pondends
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

After having dug to a depth of 20 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back over 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 200 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug to a depth of 30 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the newspapers read: American archaeologists have found traces of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the English.' One week later, 'The Daily gleaner ' Jamaican newspaper, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 40 meters at Cross Roads , Arnold Jacobs , a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Arnold has therefore concluded that 400 years ago Jamaica had already gone wireless..'

drunken men stop a taxi. The driver figured that they were not in their right minds so he just switched on the engine an then switched it back off an said "wi reach!!" The 1st man gave him money, the 2nd said "tanks" an the 3rd give him 1 r*ss box an seh "next time no drive so fast, U cudda kill wi awf!

Husband comes home from church... He greets his wife & lift her up, he then carries her around d house wid a smile. D wife is so surprised she couldn't refuse askin "Did d pastor preach about being Romantic today? D husband replies,"Nope, he said we must carry our burdens & sorrows wid a smile.

Belize, Garifuna and a Jamaican pastor was sitting down talking about what percentage of

money they get to keep from the collection money on sundays. The Belize pastor siad he take 50% and the other 50% goes to people in need, The Garifuna pastor said he take 50% and give the chruch 50% so they do what ever they want with it, then the Jamaican pastor said unuh a fool mon me just tek di money and carry it outa door and trow it up ina di air, wah God want him keep and weh him nu wah come back dong to me.

A Car overturned with Bruce Golding inside, so a farmer living nearby buried him. The next day the police came to question the farmer. "so you buried the Prime Minister, was he really dead?" He answered,"Officer when mi a bury him, him a bawl out seh him nuh dead but u know how him lie ready

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out... to different countries for a test.... In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;.... UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves;....Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;.... Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;....Jamaica, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen!

Tacoomah is anancy friend an' neighbor, live very near in one house but different apartment, so whenever one talk the other can hear. anancy an' Tacoomah both of them work groun' together at one place. anancy don't wait upon his food till it is ripe, but dig out an' eat it. Tacoomah wait until it fit to eat it. After anancy eat off his own, he turn to Tacoomah an' begin to t'ief it. Every morning Tacoomah go, he find his groun' mashed up. He said, "Brar Nansi, tak care a no you deh mash up me groun' a nighttime!" anancy said, "No-o, Brar, but if you t'ink dat a me deh t'ief a yo' groun' a night-time, you call me t'-night see if me no 'peak to you." Tacoomah went to his groun' and get some tar an' tar a 'tump an' lef' it in de center of de groun'. Now night come, anancy get a gourd, fill it wid water, bore a hole underneat' de gourd jus' as much as de water can drop tip, tip, tip. He cut a banana-leaf an' put it underneat' de gourd so de water could drop on it. After dey bot' went to bed, every now and again Tacoomah called out and anancy say, "Eh!" Afterward anancy say, "Me tired fe say 'eh', me wi' say 'tip'." So anancy put de gourd of water up on a stand wid de banana-leaf underneat', so when Tacoomah say, "anancy?" de water drop "tip." An' at dis time anancy gone to de groun'.

He saw de black 'tump which Tacoomah tar an' lef' in de groun'. So anancy open his right han' an' box de 'tump. His right han' fasten. He said to de 'tump, "If you no let me go I box you wid de lef' han'!" He box him wid de lef', so bot' han' fasten now. He say now, "Den you hol' me two han'? If you not le' me go I kick you!" He then kick the 'tump an' the right foot fasten first. He kick it with the lef' foot an' the lef' foot fasten too. He say, "Now you hol' me two han' an' me two foot! I gwine to buck you if you don' le' go me han' an' foot!" He den buck de 'tump an' his whole body now fasten on de 'tump. He was deh for some minutes. He see Goat was passing. He said, "Brar Goat, you come heah see if you kyan't more 'an we t'-day." So Goat come. anancy say, "Brar Goat, you buck him!" Goat buck de 'tump; anancy head come off an' Goat head fasten. He said, "Brar Goat, you kick him wid you two foot!" An' Goat kick him an' anancy two {p. 25} han' come off an' Goat two foot fasten. He said, "Brar Goat, now you push him!" Goat push him, an' anancy two foot come off an' anancy free an' Goat fasten. So anancy go back home an' say to Tacoomah, "Me tired fe say 'tip', now; me wi' say 'eh'." In de morning, bot' of dem went to groun'. anancy say, "Brar Tacoomah, look de fellah deh t'ief yo' groun', dat fe' a Goat!" Goat say, "No, Brar Tacoomah, anancy lirs' fasten on de 'tump heah an' he ask me fe buck him off!" anancy say, "A yaie,[1] sah!" an' say, "Brar Tacoomah, no me an' you sleep fe de whole night an' ev'ry time yo' call me, me 'peak to you?" Tacoomah say yes. He say Tacoomah, "Mak we ki' de fallah Goat!" So dey kill Goat an' carry him home go an' eat him.

Anancy was very poor and he went out to seek his fortune, but he had no intention of working. He clad himself in a white gown. And he met a woman. She said to him, "Who are you, sah? an' whe' you from?"--"I am jus' from heaven." The woman said, "Did you see my husban' dere?" He said, "Well, my dear woman, heaven is a large place; you will have to tell me his name, for perhaps I never met him." She said his name was James Thomas. Anancy said, "Oh, he is a good friend of mine! I know him well. He is a big boss up there and he's carrying a gang. But one trouble, he has no Sunday clo'es." The woman ran away and got what money she could together and gave it to Anancy to take to her husband. But he wasn't satisfied with that amount; he wanted some more. He went on a little further and saw a man giving a woman some money and telling her to put it up for 'rainy day'. After the man had left, Anancy went up to the woman and told her he was "Mr. Rainy Day." She said, "Well, it's you, sah? My husband been putting up money for you for ten years now. He has quite a bag of it, and I'm so afraid of robbers I'm glad you come!" So Anancy took the money and returned home and lived contentedly for the rest of his days.

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, 0.00 an ounce." The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, 0.00 an ounce" The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes. One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes. As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Jamaican Calaloo, a bundle."

A Jamaican man wife jumps from her sleep &said In my dream i saw big dicks for 0 medium 50 &small 20.He said did u c any like mine?She said yes it was for free.The vex husband goes to sleep then jumps up and says:In my dream there were pussies for sale ..UKKU BIT for 0 HOLD U MAN 50 & GODDAZ for 20..The wife said :did u see any like mine? & he said .Yes a indeh d sale keep!

Four Jamaicans were sitting smoking weed They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world. Natty said, " Me tink de fassis ting is a thought, because b4 u can tink it, it already thought." G B said, " Nah man, da fassess ting is a blink, cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already." Mango man said, " No man, da fassis ting is electricity becas when you turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on." Leroy say, " Nah man, You is aaaaaaalll wrong :man!!! I knows dat for a Fact dat De fassess ting in de world most definite is diarrhoea, cos las nite b4 i could tink, blink, or switch on de lite, Me shit up meself

Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool.. His friend told him that he needed a good pair of designer sneakers to go with his sweat-suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty Red Stripebottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by, "Oonu see mi new sneakers dem? Cool, to rahtid mon!" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers, but young Leroy had a lace undone. Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied. When asked for proof of these instructions, Leroy took off one of his Sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "See it deh! It seh ' TAIWAN '!"

An Italian girl had just gotten married to a West Indian. When they got back from their honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so-how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic... "Suddenly she burst out crying."But, mama, as soon as we returned Bob started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook.... "I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother!

A Jamaican and a Trinidadian, waiting at the pearly gate, strike up a conversation. How yu dead?" the Trinidadian man asked the Jamaican. "Me freeze to death man," says the Jamaican. "That's awful, how it feel fi freeze to death?" asked the Trinidadian. "Well bredda it very uncomfortable at first, when de cold jus lick yu, yu whole body start fi shake an' you get pain inna yu finga an' toe. But eventually, it a very calm way fi dead. Yu get numb an' den yu; jus drift off, like when yu' sleeping." "How yu dead man?" asked the Jamaican. "I have heart attack", says the Trinidadian. "Yu see, me did know say mi wife was cheating pon mi, so one day mi show up at home unexpectedly. Mi run up to de bedroom an' fine har alone, knitting. "Mi run down to de basement, but no one was hiding there. Mi run up to de second floor, but no one was hiding there either. Mi run as fast as mi could to de attic, an' just as mi get there, mi had a massive heart attack an' dead." The Jamaican man shakes his head. "That is so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the Trinidadian. "If yu did just look inna de rah-tid freezer, de two of we would still be alive!"

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. " "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. " And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The Restaurant There were three men living together in London, a Trinidadian a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three-course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trinidadian leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five-course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you" The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Barbadian, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Barbadian go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ "Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly, "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem dat? jus gimme mi change!"

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go

into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over. "Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?" "Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge. The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?" "I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly. "De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol." "De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox." "Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?" "Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!" "Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?" "Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly.

There was a Rasta man sunbathing nude on the beach in Hellshire. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "A Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in Spanish Town Hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The Rasta says, "Mi nuh kno. I mon was lying on de beach,den dis likkle gal asked me a question, ....guess I mon mussah doze off an

next ting I man know is I mon deh ya." The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?" After a pause, the girl replied, " me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all". Mi did a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, mi bruk di neck,crack di two egg dem, and set de nest pon fire!" Woy!!!!!

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff when a lizard walks past, looks up and says

to the monkey, "Wha gwaan?" The monkey says, "Yu wan some?." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they burn the herb. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry'and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, goes to the river and leans over to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so high that he leans too far over, and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking a spliff with a monkey and got too high, and that caused him to fall into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and walks off to where he finds the tree and the monkey is still sitting and puffing on his spliff. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "A wah de rasss claat dis?! ... Bredren, ah how much backside water you drink so?!!"

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense. The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "Yuh neva did come to a rasss complete stop mi seh, Says the Police. License an registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says. Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair. "Get yuh Bomboclaat outa de vehicle, sar", the Police says. At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the lawyer all over his body and asks, "Yuh waan me fe stop, or just slow down?"

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen." 4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time." 2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions: 1) $ 100.00 to do it on the grass. 2) $ 200.00 to do it on a couch. 3) $ 300.00 to do it in the bed.

In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the grass. Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there. About the end of the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class". The Jamaican responds, "Class mi r**s ... three times pon the grass."

A woman was at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same

question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."