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Mervs Humour, Jokes, Quotes & Knowledge all 1900 of them (Kids Jokes)

Merv Lien

Life is a Joke
Mervs Humour, Jokes, Quotes & Knowledge all 1900 of them (Kids Jokes)

Copyright 2009 by Merv Lien All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in whole or in part, stored or transmitted in any form without the written permission of the publisher. Published by Merv Lien PO Box 55110 Knottwood RPO 1704 Mill Woods Road South Edmonton, AB T6K4C5

ISBN: 978-1-897544-11-2 Digitally Printed in Canada by:

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Introduction
I, Merv Lien, am a 80-year-old man, chock full of humourous sayings and jokes. You see I drank for 52 years. Fortunately I quit in 1992, and have been sober since. But during those years I told a lot of jokes. When a person is drinking, their sense of reality and presence of mind seem to disappear. Logic seems to leave, replaced by a general sense of silliness, belligerence, hostility and passion. When I was drinking I was no different from any other drinker. My mind my mind leveled down to telling jokes or anything else that seemed funny. Intelligent conversation rarely occurred as far as I can remember, just antics to make a person laugh or better yet, think I was the greatest. This would generally carry on for hours until we eventually began to repeat ourselves and repeat ourselves again. This would signal that it was time to go home. Well, all these jokes, humour, quotes and knowledge that I spent entertaining everyone with have now been modified to fit into this book for children to read. There is no profane language, slurs against any nationality, color, race or even religion jokes. They are mostly about myself or modified to fit my situation. I hope you enjoy them as I did writing them. Merv Lien My story is available in The Devils Tongue published in 2004.

MERVs JOKES, HUMOR, QUOTES AND KNOWLEDGE

1.

I was walking down the street the other day with a bag in my hand and my friend asked me what I had in the bag. I said, I got a bottle of wine for my wife. My tipsy friend said, Sounds like a good deal to me!
2.

We went into the cafe and asked for some prune juice in a paper cup. The waitress said, Is that to go. I said, I hope so.
3.

My wife and I were at this party and I was drinking as usual and making a spectacle of myself and embarrassing her. She said to me Remind me to put a steak on that black eye of yours. I said, I havent got a black eye. She said, You aint home yet.
4.

At this party, one of my friends said to me. I see you must have had a few drinks before you left home. You have one red and one green sock on. I said, I know I have another pair at home just like them.
5.

This one day I had to go to the doctor and when I came home my wife was mad at me for one reason or another. Sarcastically she said, And what did the doctor say about that big fat ass of yours. I said, I am sorry dear but I didnt mention you to him.
6.

I said to my wife, My Irish Setter dog had a loaf of puppies. My wife said, You mean a litter of puppies. I said, No, I mean a loaf of puppies because they are pure bread.

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Merv Lien

Our air is seeping through the ozone. I asked my friend Is that serious? He said, Only if you live in space.
8.

My friend told me the most disappointed people in the world are those who get what is coming to them.
9.

They say the most difficult instrument to play is second fiddle. But then again if you are too busy to play once in awhile, you are just to busy.
10.

They said God gave us 2 hands and dont be afraid to use them, even if we have to use our heads also to help them out.
11.

My friend asked me to lend him $10.00. I said, No, not until you pay me back the $10.00 you already owe me. He said, If I pay back the $10, will you loan me twenty? You just cant win with some people.
12.

I went into the paint shop and ordered some used paint. I ordered it in the shape of my house. I thought it would be quicker that way. I also bought a set of batteries and on the package it said, batteries not included, so I had to buy another set.
13.

When I came out of the paint shop my friend was on his hands and knees looking for something. I asked, What are you looking for? He said, I lost a quarter. I said, Where? and he said, Back there in the alley. I said, Why dont you look for it there? and he said, It is too dark to see in there.
14.

We collected so much sand from the oysters we built our own beach.

Life is a Joke
15.

On a wet spring day my friend and I while drunk went to fetch the cows out of the pasture. After a while we lay down, then my friend said, shut the gate its getting cold in here. While laying there we finally figured out why women live longer than men. They dont have wives.
16.

Some of my relatives came to our place at a bad time last night, we were home.
17.

Well that is the way it is bad luck. It is just good luck gone bad. My friend got fired from his job the other day for taking his work home with him. He worked at the Royal Canadian Mint.
18.

Since I have semi retired, I do less now a day than most people do before supper.
19.

I bought some oysters the other day and they had so much sand in them that we declared beach property.
20.

Talking about termites, this termite goes into a bar, hops onto a stool and says excuse me, where is the bar tender?
21.

Somebody told me if you crossed a beaver with a termite you would get a self-destructive dam.
22.

This guy told me love is the greatest gift of all. To let go - Get God. We must learn to walk before we run. I tried this when in my drinking times and was surprised that I had brought myself along. Lots of times I was there but I dont know where I was. Those blackouts play funny tricks on one.
23.

My wife asked if she could get a new dress one day. I said, I will have to check with the powers that be. She said and who are they. I said the powers that be writing the cheque.

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Merv Lien

I bought a new car the other day and I only get 5 miles to the gallon out of it. My friend said is that all you get from a new car? I said yes, my wife gets the rest.
25.

Some people I know talk because they think sound is more manageable than silence.
26.

All my life I have been long on questions and short on answers. Somebody told me that mail which is delivered by a Chinese boat is called Junk Mail.
27.

My wife bought me a new camera the other day and somebody asked what Photofinish means. It means that your camera and warranty expires on the same day.
28.

Did you know it take 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to laugh or smile? When I was drinking I had to use a sad iron to get the wrinkles out of my face.
29.

They say that indulging kills more people than overwork.

30.

They say short visits make long friends and if you want to change a womans mind, agree with her. Remember nobody can walk all over you, unless you lay down. To be needed in another human beings life, there is nothing greater in life. The person who does not read is no better off than the person who cannot read.
31.

They say dumb ones never learn from their mistakes. Smart ones learn from their mistakes. Wise ones learn from other peoples mistakes.
32.

If nobody made mistakes there would be no good lawyers.

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