holyoffice@livejournal.

com How to Give a Bad Homily (11 Sure Ways to Homiletic Disaster)
I'm not sure when Catholics became such terrible preachers. You may object that this is a mere stereotype, but like many stereotypes about Catholics we worship statues, we don't read the Bible, we run the world - this one is true. Yesterday, all over America, there were millions of Catholics who, if they were lucky, were merely bored by their priest's homily: there were many others who were alternately scandalized, horrified, grievously misinformed, or simply insulted. It wasn't always this way. St. Francis of Assisi might have preached to the birds, but when he preached to people he helped establish himself as one of the pre-eminent Europeans of the Middle Ages. St. Bernard basically spent his life traveling around France, using his eloquent oratory to peacefully win back straying Christians who would occasionally convince themselves that Hey, maybe smelly Pierre from the hut next door is actually God. St. John Chrysostom was so good at preaching that we collectively decided his surname should be "Goldenmouth." The days of John Goldenmouth are long behind us, though. Currently, Catholic preaching in general is about as robust as the St. John's University basketball program, although we don't have the luxury of blaming Mike Jarvis for the bad homilies. Many Catholics have lamented this state of affairs, but I adopt a wait-and-see approach. As Karl Rahner wrote in Foundations of Christian Faith, the relationship of ordinary believers to the clergy is like that of the rest of the A-Team to Hannibal: we trust the plan will come together, even when that crazy fool Murdock does something that lands us in hot water. In other words, there must be a method to the madness. Perhaps it's some kind of churchwide rope-a-dope strategy in which - just like Muhammad Ali - we'll lull our opponent into a false sense of security and then explode from the ropes in the 10th round with a flurry of devastating rhetorical right hands*. With that hope fondly lodged in my heart, I therefore present this helpful guide for priests, deacons, and assorted talkers who are hoping to make their homilies just a little bit more awful. 11. Be Nervous and Easily Distracted In any kind of public speaking, bearing is important, and to give a truly bad homily, your posture, mannerisms, and countenance should reflect this. Ideally, you should adopt the bearing of a nervous homeschooler sweating beneath the lights of a major spelling bee after getting stuck on the word "cthonic." Fidget. Hide behind the lectern. Speak directly into the Bible. Never, under any circumstances, look at the congregation. A major boon to any bad homilist is distractions from the pews. Remember: a crying baby is a key ally in your effort to seem hopelessly outside your depth. At the first sound of a wailing youngster, you should freeze in place, as if the bishop has just entered the sanctuary tailed by the police, pointing at you and shouting, "Fraud!" Once this is done, it's important to lose your train of thought and mumble disconsolately for several moments, as

if you have never seen an infant before, and the sight has left you terribly unsettled. I was actually once at a Mass where the priest - who was nearing retirement, in fairness responded to a crying baby by snarling, "Shut that kid up!" I doubt Chrysostom would have handled it that way, but in delivering a bad homily, that's kind of the point. 10. Inflection is a Tool of the Devil When delivering a bad homily you will, like Phil Spector, want to go "back to mono" monotone, that is. Your voice should be as calm and affectless as the Sargasso Sea; if at all possible, you should read the words of your homily the way 3rd graders read book reports when standing in front of the class. Never give any indication that one word or other should be emphasized in the endless gray slurry of diction you pour forth. Raymond Chandler once wrote that the American accent is "flat, toneless, and tiresome," and you should do your part to prove him right. 9. From God's Lips to Your Parish Bulletin A homily is technically supposed to relate the message of Christ's salvation to a particular community, so why not spend the first 10 minutes announcing minutiae from that week's parish newsletter? Hey, salvation is important and all, but so is the fact that the Tuesday Teen Coffee Hour has been moved to 7:30 p.m. This approach has the double effect of making the homily unutterably dull and rendering the bulletin redundant, and is thus highly commended to bad homilists. I once attended Mass at a parish in which the priest delivered a five-minute homily, four minutes of which were devoted to gripes about the difficulties of getting a zoning permit to install a new elevator. Then he ended with a variation of "God is good." Well said, Father! 8. Reach The Young People Do popular songs on the radio remind you of Biblical passages? Is there some way a blockbuster summer movie can be said to show God's forgiveness? Is Jesus maybe a little bit like Spider-Man? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're well on your way to developing one of the most popular techniques for delivering a bad homily: tailoring it to young worshipers by dumbing it down with a plethora of poorly thought out pop culture references. When doing so, though, you'll want to remember to keep those references vaguely out of date, so that anyone in the pews who might possibly be reached by such a tactic will instead focus on their mirth at your use of "X-Files" terminology. You'll also want to keep the metaphors as tortured as possible. Popular culture, like all Western culture, is indeed filled with allusions and references - sometimes self-aware, sometimes not - to Christianity. Instead of going for the obvious ones, though, you'll want to instead explain how Jesus is like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the vampires are sins and they're not really being slain so much as forgiven, and of course Jesus is not a woman. 7. It's All About You Many people think that worshipers come to church on Sunday to receive the sacraments, to be in the presence of God, or to learn about how Christ's salvific death changes their lives utterly. You, as the bad homilist, know the truth: People come to church to hear your funny anecdotes about bad drivers. Ham it up! Play to the crowd. Test the material at the 7:00 a.m. Mass so you'll have a

dynamite routine for the bigger 11:00 a.m. crowd. Why not? All the world's a stage, and everyone's paying attention to you. It must be because of your funny stories about waiting in line at the supermarket. Hey, that teaches us a Biblical lesson - wasn't Job supposed to be patient or something? 6. Don't Get Bogged Down in Scripture Sure, the Church describes the homily as "an explanation either of some aspect of the readings from scripture or of another text from the Ordinary or Proper of the Mass of the day," but have they ever tried to read some of that stuff? I mean, all the talk about vineyards and mustard seeds and fruit - you'd think this was 4-H Club, not the Catholic Church! To give a bad homily, you'll want to seize on a single phrase in the Gospel reading to justify whatever subject on which you most feel like holding forth. For example: If Jesus warns against building a house on a foundation of sand, you can say, "And a foundation of sand is exactly what the makers of 'The Da Vinci Code' have erected," before launching into a tangent that quickly loses sight of any scripture, whether today's or otherwise. But to give a genuinely awful homily, you'll want to ignore the Bible altogether, and just "shoot from the hip." Hey, maybe you'll want to quote from some other text: a halfremembered poem, perhaps, or a book by a conservative newspaper columnist. If you're really trying hard, you'll find a way to work in something from a Beatles song. The goal is to make your homily "relevant." If you occasionally get worried about what may or may not be "relevant," try using this helpful rule of thumb: "Relevant" is just another way of saying "unrelated to the contents of the Bible." 5. It's Casual Sunday Around Here Any homily that has a tone of solemnity is all wrong for what you want. You don't want people to see you as a priest ordained through God's grace to perform the Eucharistic miracle in which the faithful partake of the body and blood of Christ, you want them to see you as an easygoing dude around the office water cooler. Hey, just because none of St. Augustine's extant sermons include the phrase, "Boy, it's a real scorcher today, ain't it, folks?," doesn't mean you can't blaze new trails. 4. Dazzle Them With Jargon Casual Sundays are great and all, but sometimes you have to remind the laity that you didn't go to priest school for eight years just to be called "Father Bob." In these instances, it's a good idea to reach for the theologian's favorite device: jargon. If you're feeling a little anxious about your role in the lives of the faithful, why not remind them why they need you by speaking Latin? A bad homily that relies on jargon will have all the qualities of a peerreviewed article in an electrical engineering journal, and is designed to sail over the heads of anyone who thought the church might have something to tell them about bereavement, loneliness, anxiety, joy, or everyday life. But don't worry: somebody will appreciate your jargon, most likely the two or three intense young men scattered around the back occasionally wincing from the cilices around their thighs. 3. "WWJD" Means "What Would Jesus Disapprove Of?" There's a popular impression that the Catholic Church's theology consists of little more than an endless series of arbitrary rules invented and enforced by isolated old men with precious little experience of everyday life. As a bad homilist, it's your job to confirm that suspicion. One way you might go about this is by presenting every aspect of Catholic teaching as self-

evidently revealed fact. Sure, the Church might have produced some of the finest thinkers in history, people who went to great lengths to demonstrate the truths of revelation using science, logic, and philosophy, but those methods have no place in a bad homily. Your answer to the question "Why?" should always be, "Because God - and, by extension, I - said so." It also helps if, when presenting conclusions without explaining the reasoning behind them, you just focus on the things people aren't supposed to do. Premarital sex, abortion, contraception, women's ordination, voting for bishops, eating meat on Fridays in Lent sure, there might be reasons behind the Church's stances on all these things. But why should your congregants know that? Let them go to seminary if they're so curious! Remember: If people come away from your homily with a picture of God as a distant, disapproving, headmaster-like figure always saying "No," you're doing your job. 2. Here You Stand, You Can Do No Other Have you ever read the Catechism? It's so full of stuff: do this, don't do that, believe this, salvation that. There's way too much there for anyone to fully digest, so you can be excused for not knowing or not believing everything the church teaches. After all, you're just one person, right? So when composing your homilies, don't worry if something you're going to say is "unclear" or "inaccurate" or "openly heretical." Who's keeping track, anyway? If you feel like maybe people who commit suicide are beyond God's ability to forgive, go ahead and say so. Alternately, if you think it's silly that Catholics can't receive Communion at Protestant churches, don't be shy about letting the congregation know. The catechism may disagree with you on both points, but this is a democracy, right? As a follow-up, be wary of "dogma nuts" who will approach you after Mass with minor, nitpicking complaints like "I thought we offered veneration rather than worship to the saints" or "There aren't four Persons in the Trinity." These "laity lawyers" may, technically, be correct, but stick to your guns: remind them you're the one infused with ordination, that your fingers were anointed, and maybe say something about papal infallibility. That applies to priests, too, right? If you're a deacon, you'll have to take a different approach: quickly change the subject by reminding these complainers they haven't yet volunteered for a shift at the Interfaith Cot Shelter. 1. Always End With a Flourish A lot of priests end their homilies with a simple, "May God bless you." The bad homilist has a word for these priests: "Boring." Here are a few sample lines you'll want to end with if you're interested in truly nailing the bad homily: "Don't forget to pick up your raffle tickets after Mass." "Okay, now let's do that Creed thing." "Remember, as Jesus said: Keep on keepin' on." "See you next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel." "The person who owns a green Buick LeSabre, license plate 489-HFC: your lights are on." "Let's go Jesus, let's go! (clap)"

"And may God forgive the local zoning board for their obstructionist ways." "Shut that kid up!"

*Admittedly, this metaphor is not perfect. For example, who are we supposed to be boxing? One possibility: Satan. Also: a tip of the cap to Kurt Tucholsky, author of the fine, sadly out of print essay, "How to Give a Bad Speech."

Advice for a bad speaker

(by Kurt Tucholsky)

Dont start at the beginning, but always three miles before. Maybe like that: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I talk about the subject of this evening, let me shortly.. With this you have got almost everything, what makes a bad start: the beginning before the beginning, the theme that you are going to speak, what you aim to say and the little word short. This will immediately win you the ears and hearts of your audience. It is just what the listener likes: getting your speech forced upon him like a tedious homework, where you threaten him with what you say, will say, and what you always have said. Keep it nice and clumsy. Do not talk freely it causes you to perceived as nervous. At best, you read out your speech. That is reliable, free of any risk, and everybody is enchanted when the speaker glances suspiciously at the audience at every fifth word in order to check if all are still present. If you do not listen to any friendly advice and you JUST want to speak freely you ignorant, you ludicrous petty Cicero ! Take a leaf out of the book of our MP's have you ever heard them speak without notes? They prepare them at home even before they cry Hear! Hear! . if you really do want to speak freely, then speak like you write. And I do know how you write. Speak in long, long sentences, like the ones when you, who prepares his talk at home where you, if you dont mind the children, have the silence you really need, and exactly know, how the end of the sentence looks like, when you build up the structures of subordinate clauses, so that the listener who dreams on his seat, fancies to be in a college lecture, in which he had slumbered happily in earlier times and waits for the end of the sentence ., well I just gave you an example. That s the way you have to speak. Always start with ancient Rome and mention the historical background of the matter. This is not exclusively German custom, all four-eyed fish do that. I once saw a Chinese student at the Sorbonne who talked French fluently and well, but started to the delight of everyone with the

following: Let me shortly talk about the history of my home country since 2000 B. C. . Amazed, he glanced at the laughing audience. That is the way you have to go. You are absolutely right: one doesnt understand anything without the proper historical background, thats how it is! People did not come to your lecture to hear about real life, but things they could also look up in books. Always give them history. Dont care if the waves you are sending out to the audience are coming back such things are peanuts. Talk on stubbornly neglecting the audience, the atmosphere, the impact, always talk, my dear son. God will reward you. Put everything in subordinate clauses. Never say: Taxes are too high. Its just too simpleminded. Say: In addition to the things I previously said I want to state briefly that, to my mind, our taxes are far .. Thats it. Drink now and then a glass of water in front of the people, they like to watch that. If you tell a joke, laugh in advance to ensure that everybody knows where the punch-line is. A speech is obviously a monologue. Well, after all, its just one who is talking. After 14 years public speaking you do not need to know that a speech is in fact not only a dialogue but a kind of orchestra piece. The silent mass actually joins in continuously. Thats what you have to hear. No, thats not you want to hear. Speak, read, thunder, historise. In addition to what I said about speaking techniques, I want to remark that a lot of statistics always improve the speech considerably. It is very soothing and, since everybody can remember 10 different numbers effortlessly, it is also great fun. Announce the end of your speech long before, otherwise the listeners might suffer a heart attack out of joy. Paul Lindau once started one of his feared wedding toasts with I conclude with Announce the end, start your speech from the beginning and add another half hour. This can be repeated several times. You do not only need to make a concept, you also have to announce it to the audience this adds spice to your talk. Do not talk less than 90 minutes, otherwise it is not worth the trouble to start. If one speaks, the others have to listen. Thats your chance. Abuse it.

Advice for a good speaker Main clauses. Main clauses. Main clauses. Keep a clear concept in your head and as little as possible on the paper. Give either facts or appeal to sentiment; either use the sling or the harp. A speaker shouldnt be an encyclopedia, people have already got one at home. It is tiring to listen to one only voice, so do not talk longer than 40 minutes (especially not at the Nobel Symposium ! W. D. G.). Do not attempt effects that are contradictory to your personality. A podium is unforgiving, a speaker is more naked there than during a sunbath. Finally, keep Otto Brahmss saying in mind: What is left out cannot get thumbs down.