FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

1.

COLD OPEN
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS HOUSE - DAY INT. GRIFFINS LIVING ROOM- SAME

The family sits on and around the sofa watching television. ON TV: Tom Tucker and Dianne are doing the daily news report. TOM TUCKER Good evening, Im Tom Tucker. DIANE SIMMONS And Im Diane Simmons. TOM TUCKER In todays news... huh? Tom squints his eyes in disbelief. TOM TUCKER (CONTD) Thats odd, the Teleprompter just kinda went blank mid sentence. has never happened before. VOICE (O.S.) Theres no news. TOM TUCKER What? No news? Why that cant be This Wha?

possible? VOICE (O.S.) All that happened was that some minorities shot and killed each other and a cat got stuck in a tree?

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

2.

TOM TUCKER Really? Well what about that cat Im sure we

stuck in a tree thing?

couldve made a story about that. VOICE (O.S.) Im sick of you always telling me what to do, I hate this job, I quit. TOM TUCKER Can we talk about this later Benny? Im on the air. VOICE (O.S.) My names chuck! TOM TUCKER Well there you have it Quahog, literally nothings happened today. Tom turns to Dianne for assistance. TOM TUCKER (CONTD) You got anything? Diane is about to speak when a new voice interrupts her. NEW VOICE Hi Im Jim, I just got hired and I found a clip of that cat in a tree. TOM TUCKER Well what are you waiting for John? Lets roll it. An orange 20 foot cat is tangled in the branches of a 20 foot tree. The cat is surrounded by firefighters who try to persuade it to come down.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

3.

FIRE FIGHTER #1 Hey, you know you could just come down right? Youre as tall as this tree. CAT No I cant, Im stuck, see! Cat makes an inadequate effort to escape and then gives up. CAT (CONTD) See, what did I tell you? FIRE FIGHTER #2 Here let me help you. The firefighter goes to pick the cat up from behind. CAT (Cherishing the moment) Yeah, right there. Meeeoooooow.

FIRE FIGHTER #2 Wait... What? CAT Dont move, just keep your hand there. The fire fighters hand is now on the cats behind. CAT (CONTD) (To another firefighter) And you! Put your hand beside his. FIRE FIGHTER #3 Uh, okay. Fire fighter three complies and the cat has a gratified smile on its face. Cut back to the newsroom.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

4.

TOM TUCKER Oh yeah, and on a side note, Life is meaningless and theres not really any true meaning behind our existence. Good night. INT. GRIFFINS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (BACK TO SCENE) STEWIE (Heartbroken) What? Peter is sitting on the couch with a laptop open. an apple it has the symbol of an orange. PETER
Ah, these guys are getting worse and worse each night. Thats why Im ordering this Pink Flamingo to keep me entertained. Hehe.

Instead of

Camera Pans to Peters laptop, shows that he has just clicked the Purchase tab beside a picture of a pink flamingo. PETER (CONTD) And now to complete this transaction. Peter takes his credit card out of his back pocket and starts entering the number. The camera pans around to show him sitting on the chair with the laptop on his lap once again. PETER (CONTD) Okay, 5678, 2579, 36... 1, and now Ill just mumble due to security issues. Peter starts mumbling and the numbers are now inaudible.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

5.

PETER (CONTD) What insufficent funds? BRIAN HA! Lois instantly becomes nervous as if shes got something to hide. PETER Lois, do you know anything about this? LOIS Ahh, no, of course not. have to make a payment. PETER What? Lois this is our finances! You I... I may

cant mess around with stuff like this. From this moment on, Im taking

full control of our spending and placing us on a strict budget. Everyone stares at Peter in awe. else is still in shock. BRIAN Peter and a budget? its not gonna last. Yeah you know Well youve got Brian speaks while everyone

nothing else to do so just might as well stick around anyway. END OF COLD OPEN

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

6.

ACT ONE INT. STEWIES ROOM - NOON

Stewie is pacing back and forth in his room, hes clearly lost in his own World of thoughts. He is holding Rupert tightly by his neck. STEWIE Could it be? Life in and of itself is And up to

nothing but a mere facade?

this point, my entire existence has been nothing but a fruitless quest to establish my quasi identity? Stewie sheds a quick tear, leans his head up, and the tear falls back into his eye. STEWIE (CONTD) Woah, I could do that. could do that. I never knew I

I thought that could

only be done when your nose runs... fascinating. (Then) Alright Rupert, I Ive decided

guess this is farewell.

to leave this malicious World and come to terms with my inevitable demise. Stewie takes his belt off from underneath his suspenders and starts strangling himself. Just then, Brian walks in licking an ice cream cone. BRIAN Yeah, thats some good - Oh my God Stewie! Brian runs to the aid of Stewie as he gasps for air. Stewies face has turned entirely purple, Brian loosens and removes the belt as Stewie falls to the ground hyperventilating.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

7.

BRIAN (CONTD) Stewie what the hell is wrong with you? You couldve killed yourself.

Stewie looks at Brian with chagrin. BRIAN (CONTD) Wait... that was your intention? Stewies eyes begin to water and he finally breaks down. STEWIE (Sobbing) Life is meaningless Brian, I dont want to live anymore. BRIAN Stewie, Stewie, Stewie. Life is

meaningless, but its the small things in life that we enjoy which keep us alive. Stewie moves away from Brian and pulls out a nail clipper. He flicks it open and pulls out the nail file. STEWIE (Despondent) I dont want to live like this. Nothing makes me happy. Stewie starts cutting his wrists. STEWIE (CONTD) Oooh the pain, the treachery. Blood starts spurting out of Stewies veins profusely. The blood then starts to change color as if its one of those ground spinner fireworks that change color every few seconds. Brian is concerned but stands just far enough to avoid getting squirted with blood.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

8.

EXT./EST. INT.

STOP & SHOP - AFTERNOON

STOP & SHOP - SAME

Lois is alone, laboriously pushing a shopping cart full of groceries, she hears a rattle and realizes that there is movement coming form underneath the groceries. She stops the cart and stares at the groceries, the rattling stops, she continues pushing the cart again. The rattling and movement return. Lois stops the cart again and apprehensively moves her hands towards the groceries. Just before her hand comes into contact with a can of tuna, Peter violently emerges, the groceries go flying left, right, and centre. PETER Ah Haaa, thought could go behind my back could you? LOIS Jesus Peter! What it the World is

wrong with you? PETER Lois were drowning in debt, we cant be buying all this unnecessary stuff. I mean look at this. Peter picks up items from the shopping cart arbitrarily. PETER (CONTD) We got chocolate milk by necessary (instead of Nestle), Ice Tea by necessary, and look, look at this one, bread. Family? INT. ROYAL DINNING ROOM - NIGHT (CUTAWAY) Bread? Who are we the Royal

Prince Williams and Princess Catherine Middleton sit down to dinner among other royal figures.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

9.

A posh, male server brings over a tray with a lid on top of it and rests it in between the prince and princess. SERVER I present to you our finest delicacy, Bread! The server removes the lid from the tray. stares at the gleaming bread. PRINCE WILLIAM Oh my, that is so... HOT! Everyone at the table, including the princess stare at the Prince confounded. PRINCE WILLIAM (CONTD) No, I mean literally. Prince William touches the bread and his hand begins to sizzle. Everyone is now relieved since they now understand the context of what he said. INT. STOP & SHOP - AFTERNOON (BACK TO PRESENT) LOIS Peter, youre being absurd. that bread! PETER No, Ill be damned if this family becomes homeless because of your lavish spending. here... Peter takes a Turkey out of the cart with his right hand and a package of pork chops out with his left hand. His hands waver as he tries to decide between the two. PETER (CONTD) (Hesitant) Oh, this is so hard. Now lets see Give me Prince William

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

10.

Peter looks at the Turkey and it comes to life. TURKEY Pick me, I dont expire until... Turkey sticks his head out of the plastic and checks its expiry date. TURKEY (CONTD) (Proudly) April 26th! (Shocked) Wait a minute, thats today. my rash. Turkey scratches a green rash on its neck. Peter looks at the pork chop, it does nothing. PETER Tough decision but the pork chop is pretty convincing. Peter throws the Turkey over to the next aisle. airborne, it begins to fly away and yells... TURKEY You havent seen the last of me. Peter throws everything out of the cart except for the meat. LOIS Peter! You only kept the meats and As its I guess that explains

those are the most expensive items. And you threw out the toothpaste. all the toothbrushes, what are we gonna brush our teeth with? INT. GRIFFINS WASHROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) And

Peter is diligently brushing his teeth with a hairbrush thats smothered in toothpaste. He pulls out a hair from between his teeth.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

11.

PETER Gross... or? Peter begins to use the hair as dental floss. EXT./ESTAB - GRIFFINS HOUSE - EVENING INT. GRIFFINS KITCHEN - SAME

Everyone is seated at the table eating dinner. Peter has all of the meat in his plate while everyone else has a small square chunk in the centre of theirs. Stewie has a sullen look on his face; his eyes are red and he has a box of tissue beside him. PETER Now everyone, I know the food distribution may seem a little disproportionate but I assure you... Peter stuffs a colossal piece of meat into his mouth and begins chewing. He puts his index finger up to indicate to everyone that hes going to finish his sentence once his mouth is no longer full. Peters POV: everyone is staring at him and grows more and more impatient. Peter then puts up his middle finger as well, and then his ring finger to buy him more time. This indicates that hell be ready to speak in 3 seconds now as oppose to 1. Brian in a bout of rage, bangs on the table. BRIAN (Infuriated) Give us some food! CHRIS Yeah! LOIS You cant do this to us! prisoners. Were not

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

12.

MEG Im alright. Everyone turns to Meg as she cuts her miniscule cube of chicken up into 6 pieces. She takes a bite out of one piece and her stomach instantly bulges. Meg runs off crying. LOIS Well the rest of us are not all right. Just look at Stewie. Pan to Stewie. Hes weeping while taking a drink out of a glass of water. The consumed water is being replenished by tears that are falling from his eyes. PETER Well Im the man of the house and what I say stands. If any of you

dont like that you can all go get jobs and buy your own God damn food. BRIAN This is an outrage! Brian gets up and tries to open the fridge. speaks to him and says... FRIDGE Please complete retinal scan. Brian is taken aback but moves forward to let the fridge scan his eye. FRIDGE (CONTD) Sorry, access denied. BRIAN You installed a retinal scanner on our fridge? The fridge

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

13.

PETER Its the only way I can contain you animals, (gingerly) no pun intended.

BRIAN Well howd you even afford this? PETER I sold one of the walls in our bathroom. LOIS You did what? Who would even pay

money for that? EXT. GRIFFINS HOUSE - DAY (CUTAWAY)

Meg is seen taking a shower, meanwhile the wall is missing and has been mounted facing the shower on the Griffins lawn. Just then, two holes are cut in the wall and eyes appear behind them. QUAGMIRE Allllright! EXT./ESTAB. INT. QUAHOG MENTAL HEALTH CENTRE - MORNING

QUAHOG MENTAL HEALTH CENTRE - SAME

Brian is dragging Stewie by his shirt down a long corridor. Stewie feverishly tries to run in the opposite direction. BRIAN Like it or not, youre seeing a psychiatrist.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

14.

STEWIE (Crying) Nooo, this is not going to solve anything. is death. The only feasible solution Let me die happy Brian.

Stewie struggles to break free from Brians hold and falls to the ground. Brian drags Stewie by his shirt while hes persistently struggling for freedom, Stewie takes his shirt off and tries to run away. Brian quickly grabs him before he can run out of the revolving doors. BRIAN Stewie youre not making this any wait, you have a tattoo? STEWIE Yeah, you never knew? E.C.U. on Stewies tattoo, its a pair of glasses and his nipples are the eyes. BRIAN No, its nice though. Stewie puts his shirt back on. BRIAN (CONTD) But were still going to see the psychiatrist. Stewie tries to break free once again as he continues to wail. BRIAN (CONTD) Oh what the hell. Brian reaches into Stewies diaper and grabs a gun that Stewie has in his holster. He then pistol whips Stewie, knocking him out cold. I like it.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

15.

INT.

PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFICE - A BIT LATER

Stewie is sitting on the edge of his chair beside Brian, while an elderly, uptight, female psychologist sits across from them taking notes. STEWIE (Melodramatic) My parents neglect me, I have no friends, my ding a ling looks like a light switch, I dont want to exist anymore (crying). Brian pats Stewie on the back. BRIAN Its okay big guy, were gonna get through this. (Then) Theres gotta be

something you can do for him doctor, anything please. PSYCHOLOGIST Seems like young Stewie is suffering from a case of chronic depression. could recommend some psychoactive drugs if hes okay with that. BRIAN Psychoactive drugs, uh, I dont know. What are the side effects. PSYCHOLOGIST Chronic depression and suicidal tendencies. I

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

16.

BRIAN The side effects are the same as the symptoms? PSYCHOLOGIST Precisely, its a win-win situation for the pharmaceutical industry and this way at his funeral you can always blame the drugs even if he really is crazy. Brian looks glumly at a disheartened Stewie. BRIAN This is preposterous! (Then) Well...

you heard the options, what do you think big guy? Stewie just stares at the ground and doesnt respond. BRIAN (CONTD) I dont know, the whole psychoactive drugs thing seems kinda counter intuitive. Cant you just talk to him

and inspire him to turn things around. The psychologist slams her binder closed. PSYCHOLOGIST (Enraged) Fine... but quickly. you little (bleep). Stewie hops into the psychologists chair. Get in the chair

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

17.

PSYCHOLOGIST (CONTD) Stewie, I want you to close your eyes and search deep into your mind. believe you have some repressed memories. Stewie closes his eyes very tight. A montage of Stewies past memories flash before him. The first memory consists of him taking his first step. The second memory is of him spying on a guy undressing. The third memory however, has a more grave undertone, it is Stewie saying his first word. He acts as if this is a turning point in his life, but everyone fails to recognize this moment. Lois shuns him because she doesnt realize that hes talking. PSYCHOLOGIST (CONTD) Search deep into your soul Stewie, open that cabin of unpleasant thoughts. Stewie wakes up screaming. BRIAN What, what is it? STEWIE No one ever listens to me Brian! END OF ACT ONE I

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

18.

ACT TWO EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS HOME - AFTERNOON INT. GRIFFINS BEDROOM - SAME He

Peter sits on the edge of his bed twiddling his thumbs. calls out to Lois. PETER Oh honey, get in here. LOIS What is it?

Lois enters and sees two Mexican cartel members on each side of Peter. Peter runs up to the bedroom door and slams it shut. PETER Lois youre not gonna like this, but the familys officially broke and I had no other option but to sell you to these two Mexican thugs for the next three hours. LOIS (Irate) You sold me to these two strangers? Your own wife? PETER This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. As a matter of fact, Im

gonna sit right here, watch, and cry. Peter pulls up a stool. Mexican #1 touches Lois back. MEXICAN #1 Dont worry well be very gentle.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

19.

LOIS Well then you cant have me because I like it rough. Lois throws Mexican #1 on the bed. both of them. PETER Hey... can I join? MEXICAN #2 No! You only watch. PETER Aww man, watching this is more frustrating than waiting in line at a Coffee shop behind Jay Z. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Mexican #2 hops on top of

Jay Z is standing in front of a cashier in a coffee shop, Peter is behind him. CASHIER Okay, thatll be $1.55 JAY Z Alright cool, let me just pull out my wallet. Jay Z grabs his wallet, opens it, and all of a sudden he is buried in a pile of money. Peter reaches out to take one of the bills and Beyonce comes around the corner and slaps his hand. BEYONCE I dont think so suga. INT. GRIFFINS BEDROOM - AFTERNOON (BACK TO PRESENT)

Lois and the two Mexicans are going at it, but the camera focuses on Peter who is getting hit by clothes as everyone undresses.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

20.

PETER (Wailing) Ooooh why did I do this? fool! Im such a

(Aroused) Oh thats hot, we (Wailing)

never did that before.

Theyre better lovers than me, and oh my God theyre not using condoms. Our

familys gonna be ruined... or will it? INT. GRIFFINS KITCHEN - DAY (CUTAWAY)

Peter walks into the living room and sees a Mexican boy, Eduardo, eating tacos and playing the banjo. Peter stands beside Eduardo and starts singing. PETER (Singing) Ola ola, Mexico, Cocaine, Criminal. INT. GRIFFINS BEDROOM - AFTERNOON (BACK TO PRESENT) PETER Oh thats not so bad. Lois moans as her underwear is tossed onto Peters head. EXT. BRIANS CAR - AFTERNOON

Brian is driving impassively while Stewie gingerly licks an oversized lollipop. STEWIE Gee Brian, I have to be honest, I didnt think that would work, but the whole shedding light on my repressed memories thing, looks like it actually did the trick.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

21.

BRIAN Well Im just glad that youre back to normal now, I have more important things to do than to keep on you all day. An air bubble appears: Brian running in a field, he hears whistling coming from all different directions. He tries to follow the whistle but since it is coming from all different directions he ends up all tangled. STEWIE Watch the road. BRIAN What? I am. STEWIE Oh youll see in a few seconds. An old Albert Einstein looking scientist, Dr. Spencer, strolls down the sidewalk holding a dinosaur in a shoebox. He is accompanied by a younger scientist. YOUNGER SCIENTIST I cant believe you were the first person to finally resurrect a dinosaur Dr. Spencer. Youre gonna be rich and

famous by this afternoon. DR. SPENCER It wasnt easy, it took me 45 years to do. Everyone said it was impossible

but I proved them wrong and did it. Now no ones taking this away from me. The dinosaur then jumps out of the box and begins to cross the street.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

22.

STEWIE Brian what did I tell you! BRIAN AHHHHHH! DR. SPENCER NOOOOOOO! Brian slams on the brakes but the dinosaur is already buried beneath the front right tire. DR. SPENCER (CONTD) You moron, you realize what youve done. All of sudden a small creek is heard and the entire car begins to vibrate. The car elevates, and the tiny dinosaur emerges lifting up the entire car with ease. YOUNGER SCIENTIST Thats incredible, not only is he alive, hes acquired some sort of supernatural strength. Stewie begins peaking out the window to see whats going on. Then, the dinosaurs claws dig in to the tire causing it to deflate. The tire smothers the dinosaur, we hear it gasping for air and before it dies it says... DINOSAUR Alright, Im really gonna die this time. DR. SPENCER Aww dammit. STEWIE (Concerned) Noooo1 this. Life is so cruel. I cant do

I want to be with the dinosaur.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

23.

Stewie begins crying just like before and struggles to strangle himself with the seat belt. BRIAN (Disappointed) Here we go again. EXT./ESTAB. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - NIGHT The

Peter, Joe, and Quagmire all sit at their regular table. waiter comes over. WAITER And what will it be for today? usual? QUAGMIRE Yeah one beer. JOE Same here, one usual. PETER I think Ill just take a water. Quagmire and Joe stare at Peter confounded. looking at Peter incredulously. WAITER Ah, okay... Im just going to go ahead and get you a beer. PETER No I mean it, Im on a tight budget. I want a water. WAITER But we only have bottled water and thats the same price of a beer. The

The waiter is

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

24.

PETER Really? Aw forget it, Ill just sip

the beer of these previously used coasters. Peter takes out a straw and begins to sip beer off of all the coasters that were there from before. He cleans two coasters off successfully and then finishes the third with an uneasy look on his face. PETER (CONTD) Wait a minute... that wasnt beer. A dog pops out from behind Peter. DOG Sorry, when you gotta go you gotta go. Put it there. PETER Yeah I understand. The dog sticks his paw out. Peter reaches out to give him a high five and the dog pulls his hand away. PETER (CONTD) I trusted you. The dog retreats back to his table. The waiter returns with three sandwiches. WAITER The usual gentlemen. PETER Oh no, not for me my good man. a budget! The waiter looks at Peter suspiciously. WAITER Very well then. Im on

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

25.

The waiter throws the sandwich on the floor and the dog quickly eats it. JOE Peter whats with you and this new budget of yours. I mean, youre not

even eating or drinking. QUAGMIRE Yeah Peter, youre supposed to be the life of the party, not the odd one out. PETER Guys, women shouldnt be trusted with finances, Lois apparently ran us into debt. I do wanna eat and drink but I

just cant afford it. QUAGMIRE Wait, what the hell is that? Peter reveals a new rolex. PETER Oh this old thing, just my new watch. JOE You bought a rolex and cant even afford a sandwich. PETER Jeez Joe, its called money management. Quagmires phone rings and he answers immediately.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

26.

QUAGMIRE Yes, what? I forgot to feed you?

Dammit, Ill be right over. PETER What was that all about? QUAGMIRE Apparently I forgot to feed my Japanese playmate for an entire week. JOE She the one you keep in the closet? QUAGMIRE No thats Esmeralda, Chi Chis the one in the vent. (Then) Anyway guys, time

for me to get moving. PETER But we all split the same cab. QUAGMIRE Well Ill just get my own. PETER You know what? Why even waste money

on a cab? Ive got a much better idea. EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Quagmire is sitting on Joes lap whose being sat on by Peter. Joe is wheeling everyone home. JOE Guys, I really dont mind wheeling you all home but do you think one of you can help me out here.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

27.

PETER Hey, you chose to be crippled you accept the responsibility to push. EXT. INT. GRIFFINS HOME - NIGHT GRIFFINS KITCHEN - SAME

Everyone is sitting at the table extremely skinny. Peter is sitting at the head of the table eating an entire cow. LOIS Peter please, were on the verge of dying, please give us some food. PETER Fine LOIS! You guys want food, Ill

give you food. Peter rubs his hands together over everyones plate and all the crumbs fall. PETER (CONTD) There thats more than enough food. You all complain, but none of you want to work and do something about it. STEWIE (On the phone, weeping) I dont know how one could be so cruel? He doesnt even want to give And Im a baby, I need food. BRIAN Who are you talking to? Brian takes the phone from Stewie and hears a dial tone, no one is on the other end.

us food.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

28.

STEWIE Give it back, I was talking to him. BRIAN Stewie... you, just... what if you... Gosh! think. Im so hungry I cant even On top of that, Im so skinny

I can see my abs. Reveal Brians abs. MEG Wow Brian, you been working out? BRIAN Lets not start this again Meg. Chris sticks his finger down his throat and regurgitates on his plate. He then begins to eat his vomit with a knife and fork. CHRIS This is from when mom made Lobster. BRIAN You know what? He cant do this.

Theres only one of him and all of us. Lets get him. LOIS Yeah, Brians right. Everyone gets up except for Stewie. They all surround Peter and start striking him with their fists. However, since they are all so weak, he can barely feel any of the blows that they are delivering. PETER Stop! Will you. Oh come on, that

tickles.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

29.

Peter flicks everyone one by one and they fall and shatter to pieces. EXT. INSANE ASYLUM - DAY

Brian and Stewie go on a tour of an insane asylum. BRIAN Stewie if you dont get it together, youre gonna end up here sooner than you think. Stewie doesnt respond, he continues to observe everyone around him. A possessed woman, crosses his path. POSSESSED WOMAN You freak! trash. You... worthless piece of

I know you like boys. STEWIE

What?

Who told you that?

How do you

even know me? The possessed woman continues to murmur, she throws a chair over Stewies head, he ducks in fear. STEWIE (CONTD) What did I do to her? BRIAN Thats what this place does to you. Youll eventually become just like her once they lock you in one of these rooms and slap a straight jacket on you. Tour guide, 30, professional woman approaches from around the corner.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

30.

TOUR GUIDE Why hello, you must be Brian. this has to be little Stewie. BRIAN Yeah thats us. TOUR GUIDE Well follow me, lets start this tour. BRIAN Alright lets do this. I was just And

telling Stewie that if he doesnt get it together her that hell soon be in here. A man emerges out of his room and starts barking at Brian. Brian instinctively barks back and grins at him. Stewie is taken aback and continues on the tour. TOUR GUIDE Dont mind him, thats just Jeffrey. Ever since his Rover passed away he thinks hes his reincarnation. STEWIE These people are literally insane. TOUR GUIDE And here we have our activities room. INT. ACTIVITIES ROOM - SAME

The first thing we see is two psychokinetic patients playing checkers. They are each moving the pieces with their mind. Suddenly, one patient begins to move the other patients piece with his mind. PATIENT 1 Hey, hey, hey. You think Im blind.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

31.

PATIENT 2 Sorry, too much energy. TOUR GUIDE And here we have our TV. The TV is off but a drawing of man and woman is taped over the screen. All the residents have crowded around the TV as if theyre watching a soap opera. BRIAN Dont they realize that theyre just staring at a picture. TOUR GUIDE No, the show plays in their mind. They just need some inspiration as a jumping off point. BRIAN What happens when they want to change the channel. TOUR GUIDE Simple. The tour guide lifts the remote and presses channel down, everyone sees her do this. She then takes a picture of a chef stirring a point and sticks it over the TV screen. All the residents react as if they are watching the cooking channel. RESIDENT 1 Hey, I was watching that. RESIDENT 2 No leave it, hes making spaghetti.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

32.

RESIDENT 3 That isnt spaghetti, its a cake.

END OF ACT TWO

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

33.

ACT THREE EXT. NATIONAL BANK - MORNING

Peter is withdrawing money from an outdoor ATM. PETER (Singing) Im in the money, Im in the money. Peter turns around to see a hooded thief. PETER (CONTD) Who are you? The thief pulls out a beer bottle and knocks Peter out cold. The thief makes off with all of Peters money. A bird lands on Peters nose and starts pecking at his eyes. This wakes Peter up. PETER (CONTD) AHHH, stop that. Oh no, he made off Dammit Lois is

with all the money. gonna kill me. INT. NATIONAL BANK - SAME

Think Peter, think.

Peter cuts the line and walks up to the next available teller. TELLER Hi, how can I help you? PETER Hi, Id like to take out a loan. Peter suddenly shudders. He notices that there are numerous pictures of him posted all over the wall. The pictures read, Do not loan this man any money. Peter quickly ducks and straightens his hair so that it covers his face. He puts on an elitist, British accent.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

34.

PETER (CONTD) (British Accent) Sorry, I mean, I would like to take out a loan. TELLER Uh... and what is this loan for? PETER Well... ahh... Peter starts daydreaming about taking a trip to the moon. snaps back to reality. PETER (CONTD) Uh... for food for my family and to pay my mortgage. TELLER Very well, just sign on the dotted line and Ill go get you 5 thousand dollars. PETER Really? Thats all it took. He

The teller brings the money, Peter takes it and walks out with a deviant smile on his face. EXT. NATIONAL BANK - SAME

As Peter is walking out holding the money, the robber returns. ROBBER Excuse me, do you have change for a 5 thousand dollar bill?

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

35.

PETER Woah, this is such a coincidence but I... I actually do. minute. Wait... wait a

Dont I know you from

somewhere? ROBBER I dont think so but if you do then thats more of a reason to give me the change cuz were probably friends. PETER Yeah, youre right. Peter hands the robber the 5 thousand dollars. ROBBER Syke! The robber tries to run, he starts panting as hes also obese. PETER Dammit, not again. to be so fast. The robber gives up and starts walking. PETER (CONTD) Ahh, still too fast. The robber gets tired from walking and starts crawling. PETER (CONTD) Im pretty sure hell start running again once I catch up to him. The robber passes out on the sidewalk and the money rests right beside him. Why does he have

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

36.

PETER (CONTD) Ahh, too lazy. Just then, Lois and Meg walk away from the outdoor ATM machine. LOIS Peter, I just tried to take out some money from the checking account and the accounts empty. The last

transaction listed is a 5 thousand dollar withdrawal. Do you know

anything about this? PETER Oh God, Im sorry. I took it out so I

could keep it safe under the mattress and I got mugged. I tried to chase

him but he was way too fast for me. The mugger gets up again and sticks his thumb out in an attempt to hitch a ride. A cop stops for the mugger. COP You need a ride there big guy? MUGGER Yeah, Im just going up the street you mind? COP No I dont mind at all, hop in. Hey

do you wanna put that well earned money in the trunk so you dont have to hold it?

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

37.

MUGGER Nah, Im good. The cop and mugger drive off. LOIS Peter, how could you let this happen? We were perfectly fine before you decided to start managing the finances. PETER Im sorry, I screwed up! How are we

gonna pay any of our bills now? Lois looks to her left and notices a homeless guy panhandling. She lifts her chin to show Peter that maybe its not such a bad idea. Peter approaches the homeless guy and says... PETER (CONTD) Excuse me, mind if I - ARGH! Peter snatches the homeless guys hat which is full of his earnings for the day. PETER (CONTD) Run, run, run! LOIS Ill go get the car. MEG Mom hes gaining on me, hes gaining. The homeless guy grabs onto Megs shoulders while shes trying to escape. MEG (CONTD) Oooh.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

38.

She takes his hand and places it under her shirt. homeless guy is repulsed. HOMELESS GUY Noooo, I touched her! I have now? LOIS Quick, in the car. What disease do

The

Lois, Peter, and Meg all jump in the car and drive off. As they drive off, Peter rolls down the window and screams... PETER Get a job you bum! The bum whistles and his whistle reverberates throughout the entire town. Every homeless person stops what theyre doing as they recognize that whistle. One guy emerges from a dumpster, a banana peel is on his head. One woman is robbing a liquor store and has the clerk at gunpoint. As soon as she hears the whistle, she drops the gun and runs out the door. A third homeless guy is standing on the edge of a tall building. He is about to commit suicide then hears the whistle. He jumps off the building anyway, but he lands on his feet. HOMELESS GUY I survived because I bent my knees. Thats the trick to it. All of a sudden, the Griffins car is surrounded by a mob of homeless people from all walks of life. EXT. PETERS CAR - SAME

Lois is driving, Peter is in the passenger seat, and Meg is ducking down in the back. PETER OH GREAT, homeless warfare. it Lois. Step on

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

39.

Lois slams on the gas, but the mob is pushing the front of the car, inhibiting the car from accelerating. PETER (CONTD) Okay, looks like theres only one option. Meg you hold onto this.

Peter hands Meg the hat, it still contains all the money. Peter presses a button that says eject on the dashboard like in batman. The roof opens and Peter ejects from the car. LOIS Where you going? fault. This is all your

Get back here. PETER

See you at home, sorry, love you. Peter begins to ascend, but then ends up tangled in telephone wires. PETER (CONTD) I probably shouldve ensured the coast was clear before I ejected.

INT.

MENTAL HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON

Brian and Stewie are peaking through a window and notice a patient going ballistic inside her room. Stewie is taken aback, Brian seems more intrigued by her unpredictable actions. Brian then whispers into the tour guides ear while Stewies face is pressed up against the glass, he is fixated on the exasperated patient BRIAN (Whispering to Tour Guide) Look I know that mentally theres nothing wrong with him. (MORE)

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

40.

BRIAN

(CONT'D)

Hes been fine this entire and hes never displayed any symptoms of depression ever. Anger maybe, but

definately not depression. TOUR GUIDE (Whispering to Brian) Well I have a sure fix solution, but its not gonna be pretty. The tour guide whispers into Brians ear even quieter. she is now inaudible. BRIAN (Worried) Well I guess we gotta do, what we gotta do. The tour guide opens the patients door with apprehension. Brian kicks Stewie in the ass and he is propelled into the room. The tour guide shuts and locks the door. Stewie bangs on the other side of the window. STEWIE Hey... not cool! Open the door! I But

command you to open it now. INT. PATIENTS ROOM - DAY

Stewie sees the mental patient sitting upside down on the floor, she is coloring with pencil crayons. Stewie slowly begins to crouch down in a corner when one of his suspenders rip. The noise reverberates throughout the room. The patient immediately drops the sheet of paper shes holding; she begins to glare at Stewie. STEWIE Oh no, this is not looking good. The mental patient begins to crawl towards Stewie.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

41.

STEWIE (CONTD) Okay... I think thats close enough. (Then) Stand back you demonic beast before I exorcise you straight to hell. Stewie reaches for his gun and then realizes that its missing. He begins trembling with fear. The mental patient is now only inches away from Stewie. STEWIE (CONTD) Say did I say demonic beast? I meant

to say ah... you have such demure beauty. MENTAL PATIENT (Raspy voice) So you wanna kill yourself I presume? STEWIE Ah... well yes, that is my overall intention. MENTAL PATIENT Well join me. The mental patient quickly tries two intricate nooses to the ceiling. She places two chairs under the nooses. STEWIE My oh my, howd you do that so fast? MENTAL PATIENT Shut up and lets get this over with. Mental patient places Stewie in the noose, his feet are still on the chair. She then places the other noose around her own neck, her feet are still on the chair as well.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

42.

MENTAL PATIENT (CONTD) Okay on the count of 3. STEWIE Uh, okay. Stewie shuts his eyes and places his hand on his ears. MENTAL PATIENT 1, 2... Stewie in the heat of the moment, accidentally kicks the mental patients chair. His eyes are tightly closed and he is completed oblivious to mental patient who has just snapped her neck. STEWIE (Eyes Closed) Uh, two and a half, two and three quarters, two and three fifths, uh wait thats less, how silly of me. Stewie opens his eyes but it is looking straight instead of beside him. STEWIE (CONTD) You know what? I dont think we We just want to

really want to die. be noticed.

Stewie looks beside him and sees the mental patient gasping for air. STEWIE (CONTD) Oh, how unfortunate. lets go home now. Brian opens the door and the tour guide is standing behind him. TOUR GUIDE Holy smokes, what happened? (Shouts) Brian

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

43.

STEWIE Bitch killed yourself. But she did

make me realize that life isnt so bad when you focus on the positive and disregard the negative. Stewie pushes the hanging mental patient out of the way as he completes his sentence. BRIAN Well thats the spirit big guy, come on. Lets get you home. END OF ACT THREE

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

44.

TAG INT. GRIFFINS LIVING ROOM - DAY

Everyone sits around the watching TV. Peters entire faced is bandaged as if hes a mummy. PETER Well the homeless mob caught us and took their money back, but at least after selling off a few things, Im finally able to feed my family again. The camera pans out: we reveal that all thats left in the house is the couch and TV. There are white silhouettes that indicate where all their stuff used to be. LOIS And dont ever try to be a money manager again! TV News Report TOM TUCKER This just in, recent studies show that all babies are retarded and no longer serve any purpose on this World. STEWIE WHAT? Brian looks at Stewie in despair. BRIAN Here we go again. Freeze frame. FADE OUT.

FAMILY GUY

"EPISODE TITLE"

45.