Unhealthy Couple Relationships

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

By John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver
1999 Three Rivers Press, New York
Promoting Child Welfare: Training Professionals to Support Healthy Marriages, Relationships and Families Project Syracuse University College of Human Services and Health Professions
Revised August 17, 2006

Project funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families

Unhealthy Relationships
Signs and Symptoms
You can see the emotional separation in What couples actually say to each other.
Prevalence of harsh start up, the four horsemen, and unwillingness to accept influence from partner.

The failure of their repair attempts. Physiological reactions (flooding). Presence of pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage.

Some people leave a marriage by divorcing and others by leading separate, parallel lives

Four final stages that signal the ending of a relationship

Marital/relationship problems are seen as severe. Talking things over seems useless. Each individual is trying to solve problems on their own. They start leading separate lives. Loneliness has set in.

Signs and Symptoms

The Clues are in the Way they argue, not in the arguing itself.
Harsh Start-up The Four Horsemen Flooding Body Language and physiological response Failed Repair Attempts Bad and Deteriorating Memories

First Sign: Harsh Startups

A Harsh Start Up is Being Used When:
Discussions lead off with criticism and/or sarcasm (forms of contempt). Conversations start with blaming.

Second Sign: The Four Horsemen

Negative interaction styles that are particularly destructive in couple relationships. Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling
The frequency and intensity with which the couple uses these styles of relating makes them destructive and a sign of marital distress. All couples use them from time to time.

Horseman 1: Criticism
Complaints about a person are common. There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism.
Complaint = addresses a specific action
Ex: Im angry that you didnt sweep last night when it was your turn

Criticism = more global and often attacks the persons character

Ex: : Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the floor for you. What is wrong with you?

Problem with criticism is when it is pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen.

Horseman 2: Contempt

Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to get infectious illnesses (colds, etc.).

Contempt the worst of the four horsemen conveys disgust. It is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other person. Contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation. Types of Contempt: sarcasm, criticism, name-calling, eyerolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. Belligerence, a close cousin, is a form of aggressive anger because it contains threats or provocation.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness
Rarely has the desired effect because it is really a way of blaming the partner. Defensiveness escalates the conflict.
Example: Dara: Just like when I write stuff on your calendar it gets done? (mocking him, more contempt) Oliver: I dont always have a chance to look at my calendar during the day. (Defensive)

Defensiveness, Criticism, and Contempt arent always used in a strict order or in isolation.

They function more like a relay team, handing the baton off to each other over and over again if the couple cant put a stop to it.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling Horseman 4: Stonewalling

Eventually one partner tunes out, disengages.
Avoiding a fight but also avoiding the relationship.

One partner will look away or down without uttering a sound like an impassive stone wall. Usually arrives later in the course of a marriage than the other three horsemen. It is more common for men to stonewall than women.

Third Sign: Flooding

Spouses negativity (often the 4 horsemen) is so overwhelming, and so sudden, the it leaves the partner shell-shocked. Feel defenseless and learn to do anything to avoid it. Highest priority becomes personal protection. The method of protection is to disengage from the relationship.

Fourth Sign: Body Language

Physically distressed when Flooded heart speeds up, blood pressure rises, sweating and hormone changes (including secretion of adrenaline which kicks in the fight or flight response). These physical sensations of feeling flooded make it impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. Left with the most reflexive, least sophisticated responses.

Its a biological fact: Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.

Physiological Differences between Genders

The male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress.
Ex: blood pressure will become more elevated and stay higher longer.

Gender Differences in bodily reactions influences processing

Men have a greater tendency to have negative thoughts that maintain their distress and precipitate the 4 horsemen while women are more likely to have soothing thoughts and be able to be conciliatory. Because a wife is constitutionally better able to handle stress, she is more likely to bring up sensitive issues the husband will often avoid.

Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts

Repair attempt is any statement or action silly or otherwise that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Flooding is thus prevented. They are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent marriages. The quality of the friendship between partners (positive sentiment override) predicts that repair attempts will work. Failure to develop repair mechanisms or persistent use of ineffective repair mechanisms or lack of response to repair attempts signals distress .

Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

Negativity is generalized to the history of the relationship. The couple rewrites its past. They maintain distress by using a negative attributions model to assess partner during current events thereby minimizing positive feelings about the partner.

Signs of a Distressed Marriage

There is more negative then positive communication. Stable marriages have a 1 to 5 (negative to positive) ratio during conflict and 1 to 20 in non-conflict situations. Couple heading for separation has an 8 negative to 1 positive ratio. Presence of the six signs, as described, of ailing marriages. The underlying beliefs about the relationship are negative. Chronic, diffuse physiological arousal and suppressed immunity. Failure of one partner to accept influence from the other. Emotional disengagement. Immediate escalated responses in reaction to low-intensity affect of partner. Presence of power and control issues.

Power and Control

It is very unhealthy when one partner is motivated by the need to exert general control over the other and this need is pervasive within the relationship not isolate to specific events. The controlling partner will not accept influence from the other partner. When this occurs, there is a significant potential for domestic violence. That need can activate a range of power and control tactics including threats, economic control, assigning/withdrawing of privileges, using children to control partner, isolation, emotional abuse, sexual control and physical abuse.