Michael R.

Spencer March 16, 2012 Conflict Session 7: Communication Training BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27 There probably isnt a conflict that is purely of one type: substantive, procedural or affective, but if Im going to be honest, the primary conflict between myself and my wife is affective. To put a finer point on the problem, it is my emotion, my tendency to translate my complex emotions into expressions of anger, and not merely anger, but sinful anger. Compounding this problem is my disobedience in allowing this anger to bleed into subsequent days. I am not suggesting that the conflict can be resolved before the sun goes down, but mercy, grace, forgiveness and love must be allowed to flow from the wounds of my crucified flesh. I believe that affective conflict often overshadows and therefore, prevents me from making progress with my wife in the substantive and procedural areas. I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some. 1 Corinthians 9:22b In order, I prefer expert power, positional power, and least of all, referential power. Perhaps I am a product of my Gen-X chronology in that I tend to distrust those that want to be liked, seeing them as either disingenuous or obsequious. I want to stick with the observable facts, the principles that should guide and direct our lives. Yet, being the son of an early boomer, I have inherited my fathers (son of a cop) respect for positional power. However, Im seeing that the respect that I crave as a man is gained by the most difficult power currency to acquire, referential. It is an easy task to overwhelm with expert power, yet the irrefutable facts and impeccable logic does not compute when communicated with a

user-unfriendly interface. My position as head of my wife and priest of my family become figure-head titles if the qualities of servant leader and intercessor that Holy Spirit wishes to engender in me are stillborn. "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5 I am a great believer in my own reasoning, but grace and mercy and love are elusive to my syllogistic machinations, and are more appropriately responded to in the mystical silence of listening. As a culture, we have forgotten that much of the power of music is in its meter and much of the beauty of music is in the silences between the notes. My inclination is to enter into conflict/music immediately, not considering the score, which would tell me all about timing, intonation, dynamics and my particular part to play. More importantly, I need to lift my eyes up to see the conductor and composer for direction. Emerging from the silence and confessing Ive been wrong before and listing what and how I was wrong, and how I was forgiven, and confessing I could be wrong now. Sharing the power of the music with my wife, listening to the part she is playing and asking how we can resolve the dissonant chord into beautiful harmony.