This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client.

[Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the clients name and other identifying information. Hi [client], Thanks again for placing your order with me via www.the-writing-center.com. I am thrilled to have you as a customer and I look forward to working on a medical statement after all of the business school essays I have read lately. I will make it my mission to ensure that you can submit this statement with full confidence in the impact it will have on your reader. The format of these edits will be quite simple. Below, in addition to these general comments, you will find comments made in the margins of your drafts using the track changes function in Microsoft Word (if you have difficulty seeing them check to see that it is on under the Tools section and then elect to show Final Showing Markup). At the end will be the edited version of your statement. Dont skip the comments, though, because they may contain suggestions for additional material or highlight areas that were confusing for me. Most of my customers have been very pleased with this format, but I welcome your comments on its strength and weaknesses. As I mentioned in an email, I am not a big believer in witty or catchy introductions. I read a lot of statements that try to use such strategies, and with time I have become increasingly numb to them. In a very few cases they can be effective, but in most cases the reader is tired and would prefer to get directly to the important material. Instead of an introduction, I like to focus on developing a theme that can unite the essay. This will make sure you capture a readers attention from the beginning and will not allow his/her mind to wander. In the drafts you have provided, you essentially reshuffle a number of similar paragraphs in hopes that one arrangement will seem best, but I imagine that you never felt any one was much better than the others. This is an indication that you need an idea that can run between paragraphs and provide connections throughout your essay. I would like to see you discuss the twin needs of patients (namely, scientifically appropriate care and personal guidance from an individual doctor) and then demonstrate how you have worked throughout your young career to be able to provide these elements better. I might have to take some small liberties at certain parts of the narrative to make this work, but you can consider these sections to be guides for your thinking and you should feel free to replace them as you see fit. Your writing, on the whole, is quite good. I will point out some mechanical issues in the margins that might be instructive for you as you write other statements or just in general, and most of these will probably center on the need to be more economical with words. If you have any further questions, please contact me. Original Version During my early medical school years, my father suffered a myocardial infarction. My family and I remember feeling the need to be heard by a physician. For family members as well as patients,

understanding the causes of coronary disease is very crucial. His ailment had a tremendous effect in motivating me to pursue training in cardiovascular medicine. As I walked out of an older gentleman's room during my rotation in the Coronary Care Unit, I heard him confide to his wife that I was the best doctor he had encountered during his stay. The next day, I admitted to the patient that I had overheard his compliment and asked him why he felt that way. He replied that he was impressed by how I took time to talk with him and identify what had led to this second CCU visit in twenty days. My interest in getting to know him convinced him that I would be equally specific in providing his medical care. Having trained in medicine in both Pakistan and the United States, I am equipped with the multicultural outlook and the social and linguistic skills required to interact with people from different cultures and financial situations. Outside of St. John's Hospital, huge houses sit around a manicured lakeshore with golf courses and beaches on the right. Only a mile south, abandoned houses with boarded up windows are decorated with gang identification paintings and broken streetlights. I take pride in providing medical care for patients from a wide range of socioeconomic backgrounds. Last year I encountered a patient on the cardiac floor who had suffered three post coronary stent placement myocardial infarctions in thirty days. I realized that he had failed to take his anti-platelet medication because of non-affordability and ignorance. These scenarios further motivate me to research into cost effective means of cardiac care for indigent patients. My concept of ideal medical care has always revolved around a strong focus on prevention. As a wife I persevere in convincing my own husband, who has a strong family history of premature coronary disease, to stop smoking. Throughout my campaign to get him to quit, I have watched him struggle with the social and physiological obstacles that make it difficult for him to break his habit. This struggle in my own household helps me empathize with my patients and make my pursuit of cardiovascular medicine training worthwhile. As a physician, I always try to identify factors in my patients' lives that might prevent them from making proper lifestyle choices, and strive to encourage and counsel them in modifying such factors. In addition to patient care, I enjoy teaching resident interns and medical students, and have a goal of pursuing an academic cardiology career in the long run. During my residency, I have submitted two manuscripts as first author which are awaiting publication (further detailed in my resume.) In addition, I am currently involved in outcomes based research projects in cardiac electrophysiology. My first project includes looking at the outcome of dialysis patients who receive automatic implantable cardioverter-defibrillators for the primary and secondary prevention of sudden cardiac death. I am also participating in a study describing the role of thoracic bio-impedance in the management of CHF patients under the supervision of Dr Hassan, my current mentor. In the future, I would like to be involved in patient care in an academic setting where I can teach and perform outcomes based clinical research. A cardiologist, in most instances, becomes a life long fixture in a patient's life, earning trust and respect to ensure both the control and prevention of cardiovascular disease. The job satisfaction expressed by virtually all cardiologists I have encountered further adds to my conviction that a career in cardiovascular medicine will, in every aspect, fulfill my professional ambitions.

Revised Version During my second year of medical school, my father suffered a myocardial infarction and fundamentally changed my approach to medicine. At his bedside in the hospital, my medical knowledge was useless and all that mattered was the doctors expertise and ability to explain my fathers condition. This experience alerted me to the twin roles that a good doctor must play as both a rational scientist and a caring guide. In the years since, I have made it my goal to become a cardiologist and have taken steps to prepare for both aspects of the profession. As a resident, I have developed my scientific ability at the frontier of current cardiovascular knowledge. The outcomes-based style of research I used (detailed further in my resume) has generated interesting results and is the basis for the two manuscripts, currently awaiting publication, of which I am first author. At present, I am applying similar principles to cardiac electrophysiology and examining the effect that implantable cardioverter-defibrillators have on dialysis patients when used to prevent both primary and secondary sudden cardiac death. Furthermore, I am working with my mentor, Dr. first name Hassan, to describe the role of thoracic bio-impedance in the management of CHF patients. His example has motivated me to pursue a career in academic cardiology in the long run, and my experience teaching resident interns and medical students has convinced me that I will enjoy every aspect of the role. Most important, the expertise I have developed will help me make proper decisions when considering individual courses of treatment. My communication ability, meanwhile, rests upon the medical training I have pursued in extremely different settings. In Pakistan, I saw patients who practiced different religions and spoke different languages. When I came to St. Johns Hospital in the US, I took great pride in my ability to treat a set of patients that included young and old, rich and poor, and educated and ignorant. Recently, I overheard an elderly patient in the Coronary Care Unit tell his wife that I was the best doctor he had seen. When I confessed to having heard his compliment and asked why he felt that way, he expressed his gratitude for my willingness to invest time to understand his lifestyle and history in an effort to better explain his condition. More than my training and titles, it was the attention I showed to personal details that convinced him I was a conscientious and reliable practitioner. I have seen the tragic consequences that befall patients who do not take their medications as directed or ignore the restrictions on their activity, and I firmly believe that my extra efforts will help my patients avoid similar fates. Although it difficult for physicians to implement, I believe the best medicine is preventative. Since cardiologists often become lifetime fixtures in patients lives, my ability to coach and encourage patients to adopt healthier habits will be especially important. I realize that my abilities are somewhat limitedI have so far been unable to get my husband to stop smoking despite the fact that his family has a history of premature coronary diseasebut I have developed a sincere empathy for those whose lifestyles contribute to their ailments. I always try to help my patients understand the consequences of their choices and I refuse to become discouraged when they struggle. In the future, I hope to combine my interests in conducting research, teaching medical students, and treating individual patients into a single academic position. I know that cardiologists enjoy incredibly high job satisfaction, and I expect that the combination of diverse intellectual challenges and trusting patient relationships will be very rewarding to me. I am confident that the diversity of my experiences and the twin skill-sets I have developed have prepared me for the demands of the career, and I thank you for your consideration.