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TheCopingwithStressandAnxietySystem
WelcometotheCopingwithStressandAnxietySystem.Thissystemwillhelpyoulearnto effectivelymanagestressandanxiety.Inordertogetoptimumresults,itisrecommendedthatyou augmentthisprogram withthehypnosisaudioCDprogramManagingStressandAnxiety. Thesetechniquesaredividedinto3setsof10basedupontheprimarymannereachhelpsrelievestress andanxiety.Accordingly,adaptationinterventionshelpyoubetteradjustoraccommodate tostress andanxietyabsorbinginterventionsarepreventativeeffortstohelpyoudelaytheonsetof symptomsandreduce symptomintensityandmanagementinterventionshelpyoudirectlyremove ormodifythepowerofthechallenge(s)you arecurrentlyfacing.Chooseandrotate theseexercises dependingonyourneedsandwhatyoufindhelpfulatthetime. Regards, RandyA.Gilchrist,Psy.D AdaptationInterventions AbdominalBreathing ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation Biofeedback SelfHypnosis CognitiveDistortions BalancedThinking CopingStatements SelfEsteem SupportSystems RestfulSleep AbsorbingInterventions MedicalCheckup Nutrition SubstancestoAvoidorMinimize Exercise RelaxingEnvironment Meditation VisualizingaPeacefulScene GuidedImagery Humor StressEducation ManagementInterventions: Copingwith HasslesandLifeChanges ProblemSolving TimeManagement PlayTime TakingTimeOff AssertivenessTraining CommunicationSkills RespondingtoCriticism NegotiationSkills InfluencingSkills CitedReferences Copyright2004,RandyA.Gilchrist,Psy.D.AllRightsReserved
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AbdominalBreathing
Abdominalbreathingconsistsofbreathingfullyfromthebottomofyourlungsnearyourabdomen. Thisisexactlythereverseofhowyoubreathewhenyoureanxiousortense,whichistypically shallowandhighinyourchest.Relaxingeffectsofabdominalbreathingincludedroopingeyesand shoulders,lowerheartrate,andincreasedoxygenintoyoursystem. Topracticeabdominalbreathing,observethefollowingsteps: 1) Placeonehandonyourabdomenrightbeneathyourribcage. 2) Inhaleslowlyanddeeplythroughyournoseintothebottomofyourlungstothelowestpointyou canreachfor4slowcounts.Yourchestshouldmoveonlyslightly,whileyourstomacharearises andpushesyourhandupwardlikeanexpandingballoon. 3) Whenyouveinhaledfully,pausecomfortably(13seconds)andthenexhalefullythroughyour mouth(ornose,ifyouprefer)for8regularcounts.Asyouexhale,letyourselfgoandimagine yourentirebodygoinglooseandlimp.Pauseagain(13seconds)beforecontinuing. 4) Inordertofullyrelax,takeandreleasetenorsoofthesebreaths.Trytokeepyourbreathing smoothandregularthroughout,withoutgulpinginabigbreathorexhalingsuddenly.Youmight counteachbreathasfollows: Slowlyinhalefor4countsPauseExhalefor8countsPause(count1) Slowlyinhalefor4countsPauseExhalefor8countsPause(count2)andsoon(until youreach10seriesofbreaths) *Ifyoustarttofeellightheadedwhilepracticingabdominalbreathing,stopfor30secondsandthen startagain.Ifyoustillfeellightheaded,stopandresumeatalatertime. *If thebreathingcountsorpausessuggestedhereareuncomfortable,adjustthemtoyourpersonal preference.Thecountsofferedherearejustsuggestions. Youllfindthatabdominalbreathingwillhelptoslowdownoreliminatefeelingsofanxietyorpanic. Infact,twoormoreminutesofabdominalbreathingcanabortapanicattackifyouinitiateitbefore thepanichasgainedmomentum.Abdominalbreathingalsocounteractshyperventilationsymptoms, whichcanbemistakenforsymptomsofpanic.Ingeneral,abdominalbreathingexerciseswillhelp changeyourbreathingfromastressful,anxiousprocessintoamorerelaxed,soothingrhythm.This willhelpcalmyourbodyandprovidemoreoxygenintoyoursystem.

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation
Progressivemusclerelaxationisatimehonoredrelaxationtechniquethateffectivelyreducesskeletal muscletension,aprinciplecontributortoanxietyandstress.Thisexercisetendstoworkbestwhenit isdoneforatleast20minutes,ataregulartime,beforeoratleast1hourafterameal,inaquiet setting,andwithyourheadsupported.Note:skiptensinganyofthemusclegroupsbelowthatare excessivelysore,painful,oratrisktoaggravateapreexistingphysicalcondition. Toengageinprogressivemusclerelaxation,followthesesteps: 1) Clenchyourfiststightly,holdingthem710slowlycountedseconds. 2) Feelthebuildupoftensioninyourhandsandvisualizeyourmusclestightening. 3) After710seconds,relaxthemusclesinyourhandsabruptly,imaginingthemgoingloose andlimp.Allow1020secondstopassbeforeproceeding. Usethissametense,count,and relaxwhilevisualizingprocessforalloftheremainingexercises. 4) Tightenyourbicepsbydrawingyourforearmsuptowardsyourshouldersandmakea musclewithbotharms. 5) Tightenyourtriceps(themusclesoppositetheundersidesofyourbiceps).Dothisby extendingyourarmsstraightandlockingyourelbowswhiletighteningyourmuscles. 6) Tenseupthemusclesinyourforeheadbyraisingyoureyebrowsupasfarasyoucan. 7) Tenseupthemusclesaroundyoureyesbyclenchingthemtightlyshut. 8) Tightenyourjawbyopeningyourmouthsowidethatyoustretchthemusclesaroundthe hingesofyourjaw. 9) Tightenthemusclesinthebackofyourneckbypullingyourheadbackasifyouweregoing totouchyourheadtoyourback. 10) Tightenyourshouldersbyraisingthemupasifyouweregoingtotouchyourears. 11) Tightenyourmusclesbypushingyourshoulderbladesbackasifyouweregoingtotouch themtogether. 12) Tightenthemusclesofyourchestbytakinginadeepbreathandholding. 13) Tightenyourstomachmusclesbysuckingyourstomachin. 14) Tightenyourlowerbackbyarchingitup. 15) Tightenyourbuttocksbypullingthemtogether. 16) Squeezethemusclesinyourhipsandthighsallthewaydowntoyourknees. 17) Tightenyourcalfmusclesbypullingyourtoestowardsyou. 18) Tightenyourfeetbycurlingyourtoesdownward.

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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Biofeedback
Biofeedbackreferstoamethodofgaininginformationaboutthephysiologicalactivityoccurringin yourbodytogainsomecontrolovertheseresponses.Togainareadingofthephysicaldistressor calmyourbodyisexperiencing,amonitoringdeviceisattachedtoyourbodytoalertyouwhenyou arestressed(orrelaxed).Then,afterpayingattentiontothesealerts,youcanlessentimesofanxiety andstressbygainingsomecontroloverphysicalfunctionspreviouslythoughttobebeyondyour consciouscontrol,includingbodytemperature,heartrate,muscletension,andbrainwaves. Therearethreebasicformsofbiofeedbackequipmentavailableforuse:muscletensionfeedback,skin temperaturefeedback,andsweatglandactivityfeedback.Becauseskintemperaturefeedbackisthe mostcosteffectiveandeasytoimplement,thisisthebiofeedbackformatthatwillbepromotedfor thisexercise. Therearethreeaffordable,easytouseversionsofskintemperaturefeedback:moodrings,body temperaturecards,andbodytemperaturedots(calledbiodots).Allthreemakecontactwithyour skinandgiveacolorreadingrepresentingacontinuumfromanxious/tensetocalm/relaxed.Amood ringiswornonyourfinger,abodytemperaturecardfitsinyourwalletandworksasyoupressyour fingeronit,andabodytemperaturedotisasmalladhesivedotyouplaceonyourskinthatcontinually changescolorlikeamoodring.Youchoosewhichversionyouprefer.

Afterattainingyourbiofeedbacktool,followthesestepstolessenyouranxiety. 1) Wear(orpress)yourbiofeedbacktoolonyourskinandcheckitoftentonoticewhenyouare anxiousorrelaxed. 2) Noticethetimesyouarerelaxedandwhatisgoingonatthosetimessoyoucanmakethemoccur moreoften. 3) Noticethetimeswhenyouareanxious,tense,andstressedandwhatisgoingonatthosetimesso youcanminimizetheseoccurrences.Youmayevenwishtokeepawrittenlogtoincreaseyour selfawarenessofwhenyoureachhighstresslevels. 4) Whenyoufindyourselfanxiousortense,implementoneormoreoftheCopingwithStress Systeminterventionspromotingimmediatestressrelief:abdominalbreathing,progressive musclerelaxation,visualizingapeacefulscene,selfhypnosis,meditation,rest,etc. 5) Asyoubecomemoreawareofyourphysicalreactionsandhowtolessenyourstress,practice addressingyouranxietyimmediatelywithoutusingyourbiofeedbacktoolsoyoucanlessenyour relianceonoutsidebiofeedbacktools.Eventuallyyoucandetectandrelieveanxietyandstress throughyouowneffortsalone.

(AdaptedfromGreenberg,1990)

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SelfHypnosis
Selfhypnosisinitsbasicformisathreestepprocess:1)relaxingyourselfinaquiet,comfortable environment,2)absorbingyourconsciousthoughtsinaveryfocusedway(calledatrance),and3) unobtrusivelygivingyourselfsuggestionsforpositivechangethatbypassyourconsciousresistance. Inshort,selfhypnosisistellingyourselftobedifferentunderatrancestatetominimizeself sabotagingpositivechange.Followthesestepstoengageinselfhypnosis: 1) Overacountof4seconds,breatheindeeplythroughyournoseinacomfortableway. 2) Holdcomfortablyfor13seconds. 3) Slowlyexhalethroughyourmouth(ornose,ifyourprefer)foracountof8seconds. 4) Wait13secondsbeforebreathingagainandrepeatseveraltimes.Keepbreathinginthis rhythmicmanneruntilyoufeelrelaxed,comfortable,andreadytoconcentrate. 5) Graduallyeliminatetheformalbreathingcountsandpausesuntilyoubreatheinadeep, comfortablerhythmnotrequiringextrathoughtorattention. 6) Slowlyallowyoureyestoclose.Visualizeaplacethatisrelaxingtoyou.Enjoythisexperience withallofyoursensessight,smell,sound,touch,andtaste.Examplesmayincludethebeach, themountains,thewoods,etc.Stayfocusedonthisexperience,thinkingonlyofyourexperience there.Redirectyourselfgentlybackifyourthoughtswandertoothersubjects 7) Whenyouarehighlyabsorbedinyourexperienceandyourlimbsfeelheavy,slowlyrepeat positivestatementstoyourselfconsistingofthechangesyouwantinlifethroughsinglewordsor shortphrases,suchasrelaxormorehappiness.Note:makesureyoustatethepositive changeyouwanttooccurmore,notthenegativethingyouwantlessof.Forexample,more relaxedisbetterthannotanxious. 8) Aftercontinuinginthisstateforanadequateperiod(suchas1520minutes),reorientyourselfto yourenvironmentslowlyandcomfortably.Allowthiswholeprocesstooccurnaturallyand comfortably.Donotuseanalarmclock,abeepingtimer,oranythingelsethatmaydisruptyour experience. 9) Rememberthisrelaxingexperiencethroughouttheday,suchaswhenstressfuleventsoccuror whenyouarebored. 10) Revisitthisplaceforatleast1520minuteseverymorning.

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CognitiveDistortions
Cognitivedistortionsareextreme,irrationalwaysofthinkingthataggravatestress.Reviewthislist carefully,checkingthedistortionsyouengageinonaregularbasis. Then,practicecatchingand balancingthesedistortionsthroughthebalancedthinkingexercisefollowingthislist. 1) Allornothingthinking:Youlookatthingsasbeingeitherblackorwhite,goodorbad. Ifitsnotperfect,itisafailure.Thereisnomiddleground. Overgeneralization: Youviewasinglenegativeeventorpieceofevidenceasanever endingpatternofdefeat,oryouballoonproblemsmuchbiggerthantheyactuallyare. NegativeFiltering:Youmagnifythenegativesandignorethepositivesofasituation. Jumpingtoconclusions:A)mindreading:youassumewhatpeoplearethinking,andB) fortunetelling:youarbitrarilypredicthowthingswillturnoutinthefuture. Magnificationorminimization:Twowaysofdoingthis:A)magnificationyoublow thingswayoutofproportion,andB)minimizationyoushrinktheirimportance. Emotionalreasoning:Youreasonfromhowyoufeel(Ifeelbad,thereforeIambad). Shouldstatements:Youhavealistofironcladrulesabouthowyouandotherpeopleshould orneedtoact.Youfeelupsetwhenothers(oryourself)breaktherules. Labeling:Youidentifyyourselforotherpeoplegloballyaccordingtoshortcomings,suchas Iamajerk,sheisstupid,oryourealoser. Blaming: Youblameyourselforsomeoneelseforsomethingyouortheywerenotentirely responsiblefor(ifatall). Discountingthepositives:Youinsistthatyour(orothers)accomplishmentsdontcount. Personalization: You thinkthateverythingpeopledoorsayissomekindofreactiontoyou. Youalsocompareyourselftoothers,tryingtodeterminewhosbetterorworse. Controlfallacies:Youthinkthatyourfeelings,thoughts,andbehaviorsareoutofyour control,and thatyouarethehelplessvictimofothersmakingyoubeacertainway. Fallacyoffairness:Youfeelresentfulbecauseyouthinkyouknowwhatsfair,butother peoplewontagreewithyou. Fallacyofchange:Youassumeotherswillgenuinelychange inthewaysyouwantifyoujust pressurethemenough.Whenthisdoesntoccur,youbecomeupset. Beingright:Youarecontinuallyontrialtoprovethatyouropinionsandactionsarecorrect. Beingwrongisseenasaweaknesstobeavoidedatallcosts.

2)

3) 4)

5)

6) 7)

8)

9)

10) 11)

12)

13)

14)

15)

(AdaptedfromBurns,1990)

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BalancedThinking
Thisexercisehelpsyouchangeyourfeelingsthroughchallengingandchanginghowyouthinkabout difficultsituations.Topracticebalancedthinking,writeouteachofthenumberedheadingsbelow with aspacebeneathtowriteyouranswers: 1)TheSituation:Thinkofthemostrecent(orcurrent)situationthathasleftyoufeelingstressedor upset.Examplesofstressfulsituationsmayincludegettingfiredfromajob,gettingstuckinheavy traffic,learningafamilymemberissick,thinkingofalloftheworkyouhavetodo,etc. 2)MyAutomaticThought:Whatwasyourimmediate,reactiveinterpretationofthissituation?This iswheremostofyourstresswillbetriggered:notbythesituation alone,butbyyournegative interpretationofthesituation.Whenyouwriteoutyourreactiontothesituation,beashonestand completeaspossible.Mostautomaticthoughtsthatleadtostressareextreme,generalizedreactionsto situations.Examplesmayincludethiswillneverwork,Illneverbeabletohandlethis,hehates me,Imsuchaloser,shesouttodestroyme,etc. 3)ScalingMyFeelings:Pickanumberbetween0100toscalehowstressfulandupsettingyour automaticthoughthasmadeyouinresponsetothesituation.Thinkof0asrepresentingnostressor upsetatalland100representingfeelingasstressedandupsetaspossible.Forinstance,afteryou getfiredfromajob,yourautomaticthoughtofImsuchaloserupsetsyouat90/100. 4)EvidenceAgainst:Yourautomaticthoughtfuelingyourstresswilllikelybeextremeand unrealisticinsomeway.Toidentifywhatcognitivedistortionsyoumayhaveadoptedinyour reaction,reviewthecognitivedistortionslistgiveninthelastexerciseandnotewhichapply.Then, makealistofasmuchevidenceagainstyourreactiveinterpretationofthesituationaspossible.For example,evidenceagainstyoubeingalosercouldincludeyourmainaccomplishmentsinlife,the friendsandfamilyyouarecloseto,yourprevioussuccessesatyourjob,theunfairnessofthefiring, etc. 5)BalancedThought:Takingalloftheevidenceagainstyourautomaticthoughtintoaccount,createa morebalanced,realisticthoughtin responsetothesituation.Inthecaseoflosingyourjob,youcould lookatallofthepositiveevidenceshowingyoursuccessesandgoodpointsandthink:Iamagood personwithalotofpositivethingsgoingforme.Ivehandledsetbacksbeforeand beenOK,andI willdosoagain! 6)ScalingMyFeelingsAgain:Now,scaleyourstressandupsetfeelingsagainasinstage3,butnow dosowithyourbalancedthoughtinreactiontothesituation.Forinstance,thebalancedthoughtofI amagoodpersonmaynowscaletheupsetfeelingsatjusta40alargedecreasefromthe90after theImsuchaloserthought. **Writeoutasmanyformalbalancedthoughtexercisesaspossible.Then,remindyourselfofthe evidenceagainstyournegativethoughtsandfocusonyourbalancedthoughtsasmuchaspossible throughouttheday.Eventuallywithenoughpractice,yourautomaticthoughtswillbecomebalanced thoughtsandyourstresslevelswillbefareasiertomaintain.

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CopingStatements
Whenfeeling stressedoranxious,youcancopebetterbyreviewingand repeating somepositive, reassuring,truthfulstatementstoyourselfuntilyoucalmdownandgain control. Ifonestatement stopsworking,tryanotheruntilabettermatchisfoundforyourparticularsituation.You can practice thisexerciseduring deepabdominalbreathing ifyouwish. Youmaycomeupwithyourown coping statementsand/oruse these examples: Thisfeelingisntcomfortableorpleasant,butIcanhandleit. Icanbestressed(oranxious)andstilldealwiththissituation. Thisisnotanemergency.ItsokaytothinkslowlyaboutwhatIneedtodo. Thisisnottheworstthingthatcouldhappen. Imgoingtogowiththisandwaitformystress(oranxiety)todecrease. Thisisanopportunityformetolearntocopebetter. Illjustletmybodydoitsthing.Thiswillpass. IllridethisthroughIdontneedtoletthisgettome. Ideservetofeelokayrightnow. IcantakeallthetimeIneedtoletgoandrelax. IcanalwaysleaveifIneedto. IvesurvivedthisbeforeandIllsurvivethistime,too. IcandowhatIhavetodoinspiteofthestress(oranxiety). Thisisjuststress(oranxiety)itwonthurtme. Thisisjuststress(oranxiety)Imnotgoingtoletitgettome. Nothingseriousisgoingtohappentome. Fightingandresisting isntgoingtohelpsoIlljustletitpass. Thesearejustthoughtsnotreality. IdontneedthesethoughtsIcanchoosetothinkdifferently. Sowhat?

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992) Copyright2004,RandyA.Gilchrist,Psy.D.AllRightsReserved
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SelfEsteem
Yourselfesteemcanbethoughtofastheextenttowhichyouvalueyourselfandseeyourselfasa good,worthwhile,acceptableperson.Lowselfesteemoccurswhenyouunfairlycriticizeyourself, youpushyourselfhardwithnegative,criticalpressure,andyoubelievethenegativeevaluations othersgiveyoumorethanthepositiveones.Lowselfesteemcausesanxietyandstressfromtwo sources:1)thenegativepressureandcriticismyouheaponyourself,and2)worryingtoomuchabout gainingacceptanceandvalidationfromothers. Toincreaseselfesteem(andloweryouranxiety),itisimportanttosurroundyourselfwithpositive, supportivepeople.However,yourselfesteemwillbemostlymadeorbrokenbyhowyoutreat yourself.Youcanmeasureyourselfesteembyaskingyourself:wouldItreatmybestfriendtheway Itreatmyself?Ifnot,someselfesteemworkisneeded.Toincreaseyourselfesteem,consistently reviewandpracticethefollowing: 1)StopCriticizingYourself:Acceptyourselfexactlyasyouareanddonotputyourselfdown. Puttingyourselfdownwillteardownyourspiritmorethanmotivateyoutochange.Thetradeoffis notworthit.Toacceptyourselfdoesnotmeanyouarenotdriven toimprove,butthatyouare acceptablenowandwillbeevenbetterwithadditionalgrowthanddevelopment. 2)UsePositiveMotivation:Fortheimprovementsyouwantinyourlife,practicethinkingaboutand visualizingwhatitwillbelikewhenyouaccomplishyourgoals.Then,addsomethoughtsand visualizationsconsistingofthestepsyoullneedtotaketomakeithappen.Thischangeinfocuswill bemoremotivatingandenergizingthanfocusingoneithera)thenegativethingthatwillhappenif youdontchange,orb)allofthehardworkitwilltaketomakeithappen. 3)PraiseYourselfasMuchasPossible:Wheneveryousucceedatsomething,privatelygiveyourself creditforthepartyouplayed.Begenerouswithyourself(butstilltruthful).Praiseyourselfforyour accomplishmentswheneveryoucantobuildconfidenceandselfworth. 4)AllowMistakes:Whenyoutryandfail,thatisasuccessinandofitselfbecausetheeffortitself willactaslearningexperiencetobringyouclosertoyourgoals.Beeasyonyourselfduringyour setbacksandpickyourselfup.Lifeisacontinualtrialanderrorprocess.Theonlytruefailureisto giveup,becausethenyouareguaranteedfailure.Whenyoufail,giveyourselfabreak,congratulate yourselfonyoureffort,regroup,andtryagain. 5)DoMirrorWork:Practicelookingatyourselfinthemirroroften.Lookintoyoureyesandtell yourselfwhateverpositivetruestatementsyoucan.Remindyourselfaboutyoursuccesses,whatyou aregoodat,whatyouarecapableof,whatpositivethingslayaheadforyourself,howyouare improving,etc.Practiceforgivingyourselfandothersinthemirror.Mirrorworkisaveryintimate, vulnerable,exposingexperience.Thisuncomfortablefeelingwillletyouknowthepowerthis exercisehastohelpyouchange. 6)BeHappyandRelaxedNOW:AllowyourselftobehappyandrelaxedNOWnotaftereverything fallsintoplaceinyourlife.Assoonasoneanxietyorstressistakenawayfromyou,anothermay soonfollow.Therefore,allowyourselftoenjoylifenow,ratherthanwaitingforhappinessor relaxationatsomemythicalpointinthefuture.YourlifeISnownotlater.

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SupportSystems
Anxietyandstresslevelscanbemucheasiertocopewithwhenyouhaveotherstheretolistenand givesupport,empathyandreassurance.Tocreateasocialsupportsystem,identifythosepeople aroundyouthataretrustworthyandwillsupportyouwithoutjudgingorcriticizing.Typicalsupport systemsmayinclude:family,friends,psychotherapists,coworkers,grouptherapymembers,online supportgroupmembers,religiousleaders,fellowchurchmembers,sportsassociates,and/oranyone elseyouknowandtrust. Next,askeachsupportpersonifyoucanopenuptothemaboutthedifficultiesyouarehavingwith _______.Ifyouknowthemwell,theywillprobablysayyesandmeanit.However,ifyouaskthem tolistenandtheysayno(orimplytheyarentinterested),kindlyrefrainfromopeninguptothemand gotosomeoneelse(oraskthispersonlaterwhentheyareinthemoodtolisten).Openinguptoa personwhodoesntwanttolistenwillprobablymakeyouranxietyworse.Badlistenerstendtoact impatient,giveunsolicitedadvice,sayItoldyouso,blame,criticize,switchtheconversationto makeitaboutthem,etc. Finally,afterchoosingagoodsupportperson,letthemknowwhatyouranxietiesare,whytheyare affectingyouliketheyare,whatyouwishyoucoulddoaboutit,etc.Itsusuallymorehelpfultouse Istatementsandexpressyourfeelingsratherthanjustblamingandcriticizingothers.This empoweringstanceallowsyoutofeelmoreincontrolofyourselfandyourfeelings,ratherthanjust feelingvictimizedandpowerless. Forexample,itcanbehelpfultosayIfeelanxiouswhenmydaystartsoutbadlybecauseIm worriedtherestofthedaymightgothatway.IwishIcouldtakebetterchargeofmylifeandfeel moreconfident.ThisistheIfeel___when___because___Iwish/Iwouldlike___format. Conversely,alesshelpfulwaytoventmaysoundlikethatS.O.B.alwaystakeshisproblemsouton me.Hesaloser.Thislose/loseapproachwillstraintheabilityofthelistenertostayengagedand makeyoufeelmorelikeavictim. Afteropeningupandhavingotherslistentoyou,askthemfortheiradvice,butonlyifyouareopento it.Then,beforegoingontoolong,allowthemtotalkabouttheirownissuesorjustallowthesubject tochangecompletely.Atthispoint,youcanjustenjoytherestofyourtimebylisteningtothemorby gettinginvolvedinadifferentenjoyableactivity.Thishelpsyoumaintainyoursupportsystem withoutburningthemoutordrainingthem. Everyonehasalimit,soassoonasyoursupportpersonhasreachedtheirlimitinthediscussion,allow theconversationaboutyourworriesandstressestoend,andthensimplypickitupwithsomeoneelse atalatertime.Youcanexpectyouranxietytoberelievedwithyoursupportsystemthrough3means: 1)identifyingandexpressingyourfeelingsinahealthywaytoasensitivelistener,2)hearingtheir advice(ifyouareopentoit),andthen3)puttingyourworriesasideandfocusingonthemforawhile. Allowthemtosupportyou,butdontmakeitalwaysaboutyou!Makeitabalancedgiveandtake relationship.

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RestfulSleep
Differentpeopleneeddifferentamountsofdailysleepsomeneed8hours,whereasothersneed6or 10.Furthermore,somecanachieverestfulsleepbestwithanapduringtheday,whereasothersneed tosleepstraightthroughthenight.Inanyevent,yourbodyrequiresadequateresttorevitalizeitself andcopewithanxietyandstress.Busylifestylespromotingsleepdeprivationleavelessphysical resourcestohandlewhateverstressorsmayarise.Inshort,gettheamountofrestfulsleepyourequire every24hourperiodintheformthatworksbestforyou. Togettherestfulsleepyouneed,practicethefollowing: 1) Createarelaxingsleep environment,includingacomfortablebed. 2) Remindyourselfthatskippingsleepwillfailtorevitalizeyourmindandbody,andthatthework youdounderlesssleepwillprobablybelessproductiveanyway. 3) Sleepenough,butonlyasmuchasyouneedtofeelrefreshedandhealthy.Underoroversleeping leadstofragmented,shallowrest.Sleepingfor78hoursanightisusuallybest. 4) Gotobedandwakeupeachmorningataregular,consistenttimepreferablyearly. 5) Practiceregularphysicalexerciseatthesametimeofdaytoprepareyouforyoursleep. 6) Makeyourenvironmentasquietaspossibleuseearplugsifnecessary. 7) Makesureyoukeeptheroomyousleepinatamoderatetemperature. 8) Dontgotobedwithafulloranemptystomachgotobedwithalightsnack. 9) Unlessprescribedandrecommendedbyaphysician,avoidsleepmedications,whichmaylose theireffectivenessovertimeorevenbeharmful. 10) Reducecaffeineintake,whichtendstodisturbrest. 11) Avoidalcoholconsumption,whichresultsinfragmented,poorqualitysleep. 12) Onlylayonyourbedwhenyouaretryingtosleep.Thiswillmakeiteasiertofallasleep. 13) Whenhavingtroublefallingasleep,dosomethingelseforaperiodoftimetohelpyourelax,such asthefollowingrelaxingexercisesandactivities: abdominalbreathing progressivemusclerelaxation visualizingapeacefulscene selfhypnosis pleasurereading listeningtosoothingmusic takingahotshowerorsittinginahotbubblebath,whirlpool,orspa

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MedicalCheckup
Because7590%ofallofficevisitstohealthcareprofessionalsareforstressrelatedsymptomsand disorders,anxietyandstresstakeanimmensephysicaltollonthebody.Thebodybecomesvery strainedwhenconfrontedwithstressfulworries,threats,orchanges,leadingtothefightorflight syndromeandthegeneraladaptationsyndrome.Overtime,thesesyndromesexhaustthebodyand cancreateoramplifymanyphysicalproblemsandillnesses. Physicalsymptomsfromstressmayincludefatigue,sweatinghands,palingorflushingoftheface, sleepingproblems,eatingproblems,skinproblems,muscletension,migraineheadaches, cardiovasculardiseases,stomachandintestinalproblems,rheumatoidarthritis,achesandpains (especiallyintheneckandback),aweakenedimmunesystem,slowedrecuperationfromillness,high bloodpressure,heartattacks,diabetes,ulcers,aging,orevendeath. Giventhephysicallydebilitatingnatureofanxietyandstress,visitingyourmedicaldoctorforafull medicalexamishighlyrecommended.Yourphysicianwillhelpdirectyoutochangeyourphysical lifestylehabitsinessentialwaysforyouruniquesituation. Anotherbenefitofvisitingyourmedicaldoctoristogetarecommendationforwhatdietandexercise recommendationsfromthisebookwillbeacceptableforyourspecificsituation(andwhich,ifany, maynot). Finally,avisittoyourmedicaldoctorcanalsobeanopportunitytogetaprescriptionforantianxiety medicationtolessenyourworryandstress.Pleaseconsultwithyourphysicianonallofthesematters forthehighestbenefitandprotectiontoyourselfandyourhealth.

(Sources:Stroebel,1989Greenberg,1990Manning,Curtis,&McMillen,1999)

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Nutrition
Particularnutrients,herbs,andfoodscanhelpalleviateanxietyandstressindifferentways.These recommendationsarebaseduponacompilationofmedicalresearchandshouldonlybeusedsparingly andasrecommendedonthelabel.Important:Consultaphysicianbeforeusinganysupplement, especiallyifyouareusinganymedicationsorifyouhaveanallergy,illness,orotherphysical conditionofconcern.Discontinuesupplementuseimmediatelyifnegativesymptomsoccur. Nutrients GammaAminoButyricAcid Glutathione NicotinamideAdenineDinucleotide VitaminBComplex VitaminC Calcium&Magnesium LTyrosine Melatonin Fiber FreeFormAminoComplex Lecithin MultivitaminwithAntioxidants VitaminE&Zinc Herbs Ashwagandha Bilberry GinkgoBiloba MilkThistle DongQuai,Rehmannia,Schizandra Hops KavaKava Passionflower PolygalaRoot&SourJujubeSeed St.JohnsWort SiberianGinseng Skullcap Valerian Wildoat Foods RawFruitsandVegetables PurifiedWater(3264ounces) Benefit/Effect actsasatranquilizerhelpsbrainfunction protectsthecellsagainstdamage aidsinthecreationandtransferofchemicalenergy forpropernervoussystemfunctioning helpsproduceantistresshormones reducesanxiety helpsreducestressonthebodyasleepingaid anaturalhormonethatpromotessoundsleep forhealthybowelcleansingandfunctioning helpssupplyproteinsusedrapidlyatstressfultimes forcellularprotectionandbrainfunction replacesnutrientslostduringstress neededforimmunesystemfunctioning Benefit/Effect actsasasedativeandnervetonic preservescellsthroughoutthebody aidsincirculationandproperbrainfunction cleansesandprotectsliveractsasanantioxidant supportsmajororgansduringstress easesnervousness,restlessness,andstress relaxesthemindandbody hasacalmingeffect Chineseherbsknowntosootheandcalmthespirit helpswithnervepain helpsthebodycopewithstress goodfornervousnessandheadachesaidssleep aidsnervoussystemhelpssleepsoothesheadaches knowntorestorebalancetothenervoussystem Benefit/Effect supplyvitamins,minerals,andflavonoids cleansesliver,kidneys,andcolonflushestoxins

(AdaptedfromBalchandBalch,2000)

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SubstancestoAvoidorMinimize
Particularfoodsandsubstancescanaggravateanxietyandstressindifferentwaysandaretherefore helpfultominimizeinyourdailylife.Theserecommendationsarebaseduponacompilationof medicalresearchandshouldactasaguidewithyourdietandlifestylechoices.Remember:theseare generalruleofthumbrecommendationsformostpeople.Consultyourphysiciantoconstructa completedietplanforyourbestindividualhealthandrelaxationneeds.Furthermore,theassistanceof asubstanceabuseinpatientoroutpatienttreatmentprogramisrecommendedforthosewhoneedextra assistanceinstoppingaddictivetendencieswithalcohol,nicotine,ortheabuseofillicitorprescription drugsespeciallywhentolerance,withdrawalsymptoms,and/orpsychologicaldependencehas developed. Foodstominimize Processedfoodsandotherunhealthyfoodsthataggravatestress: artificialsweeteners,carbonatedsoftdrinks,chocolate,eggs,friedfoods,junkfood,pork,redmeat, sugar,whiteflourproducts,foodscontainingpreservativesorheavyspices,chips,andothersimilar foods

Dairyproducts(healthyinmoderation,butmaypromotenervousnesswhentakeninexcess): milk,icecream,butter,cheese,etc. Substancestominimize Caffeine(promotesnervousness,sleeplessness,andthejitters): colasodadrinks,coffee,icedtea,hottea,wakeuppills,alertdrinks,etc.

Alcohol,tobacco,moodalteringdrugs(offeronlytemporaryrelief,donothingtoresolvemain stresspromotingproblems,hurthealth): beer,wine,hardliquor,cigarettes,tobaccochew,amphetamines(meth,dietpills),marijuana, cocaine,hallucinogens(LSD,ecstasy),inhalants(glue,paint),opioids(morphine,heroine), phencyclidine(PCP),etc.

Helpfullinks:www.na.org,www.aa.org, www.hypnosisnetwork.com

(AdaptedfromBalchandBalch,2000)

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Exercise
Ingeneral,aprogramofregularphysicalexercisewillhelpyoutoreduceyourvulnerabilitytoanxiety andstress.Exerciseprovidesanaturaloutletfortheexcessadrenalineandphysiologicalarousalthat accompanyanxietyandstressstates.Italsoreleasesmuscletensionandstimulatesproductionof endorphinsinthebrain,resultinginastateofincreasedcalmnessandwellbeing. Tooptimizethetensionreducingeffectsofexercise,itisbesttodoanaerobicformofexerciseat leastfourtimesperweekforatleast20to30minutes.Aerobicexerciseincludesbriskwalking, jogging,aerobicdancing,bicycling,ridingastationarybike,swimming,jumpingrope,runningin place,inlineskating,etc.Ifyoudobriskwalking,youllwanttodoubletheminimumtimeof effectivenessfrom20to40minutesforthebestresults. Ifyouhaventbeendoingcardiovascularexerciserecently,itisbesttostartexercisingbrisklyfor shortperiods(5to10minutes)andthengraduallyextendtoover20minutes.Ifyouhaveanymedical conditionsthatmightlimitexercise,experiencesymptomsofhighbloodpressure,diabetes,chest pains,faintingspells,orjointstress,and/orarefortyorolder,besuretoconsultwithyourmedical doctorbeforeundertakinganexerciseprogram.(Actually,itisbesttoconsultwithamedicaldoctor beforeundertaking anynewexerciseprogram). Manypeoplefindithelpfultovarythetypeofexercisetheydo.Thiscanhelpreduce boredomand giveyouthechancetoexercisedifferentbodyparts.Popularcombinationsincludedoingasolo aerobictypeofexercisesuchasjoggingorcyclingincombinationwithasocialformofexercisesuch astennis,racquetball,volleyball,orbody building. Ifyouarestartinganexerciseprogramorareotherwisenotusedtovigorousexercise,observethe followingguidelines: 1) Approachexercisegradually 2) Commityourselftoatleastaonemonthtrialperiodofyourprogrambeforegivingup(unless yourprogramiscausingproblemsthatlogicallywarrantachange) 3) Expectsomediscomfortinitially 4) Findwaystorewardyourselfformaintainingacommitmenttoyourexerciseprogram 5) Warmupbeforeexercising,andhaveacooldownperiodbeforeending,suchaswithstretching, jumpingjacks,orwalking 6) Avoidexercisingwithin90minutesofameal 7) Stopexercisingifyouexperienceanysuddenunexplainablepainsordizziness 8) Ifyoufindyourselfgettingboredwithexercise,findapartnertogowithyouand/orchoose aerobicactivitiesthatrequireyoutohaveapartner(suchastennisorracquetball) 9) Exercisemorethanonceaweek 10) Makeyourgoalofaerobicexercisebeatleast4daysaweekfor2030minutes

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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RelaxingEnvironment
Thesightsandsoundsoftheenvironmentcanservetoeitherelevateordecreaseyouranxietyand stresslevels.Itisimportanttomakewhateverchangesyoucantomakeyourhomeandwork environmentsasrelaxingaspossible. Thefollowingaresomehelpfulsuggestionstocreatearelaxing,stressfreeenvironment: *Keepyournoiselevelsdown.Loudnoisesareupsettingandinvokeanxiety.Intermittentandloud noisestendtocausemoreupsetthansoft,constantnoise.Themoredisturbingnoisesyoucan eliminate,thebetter.Tominimizenoise,considerpaddingandsoundproofingtheroomsyouspenda lotoftimein,suchaswithwallhangings,wallpadding,andnoisesealersatthebottomofyourdoors. Also,considerturningdowntheringerofthetelephone,turningdownthetelevision,stereo,andradio, havingprofessionalearplugsmadeforyoutowear(suchasthosemadeforswimmers),and periodicallyisolatingyourselffromothersinaquietplace. *Whennotseekingaftercomplete silence,playsoft,relaxingsoundsormusic.Whitenoise machinesalsocanbeusedtomuffleanddrownoutdisturbingnoise.Otheroptionsincludeplaying softclassicalorinstrumentalmusic.Finally,considerplayingtapesorCDsofthevarioussoothing soundsofnature,suchastheocean,astream,orababblingbrook. *Haveasmuchnaturallightinginyourhome(oroffice)aspossible.Unnaturalfluorescentlighting canbeespeciallyaggravating.Consideropeningyourwindowblinds,openingyourskylight(ifyou haveone),orjustspendingmoretimeoutside.Whenusingartificiallighting,considerusingsoftlight lampswithlowerwattage,ratherthanthebrighterceilinglightswithhigherwattlightbulbs. *Keepthemainroomsyouspendyourtimeinuncluttered.Clutteredroomscanbeaggravatingand tendtoincreaseanxietyandstresslevels. *Howyoupositionyourfurnitureandwallhangingscaneitherincreaseordecreaseyourstresslevels, dependinguponsize,shape,angle,space,walkways,etc.Considerreconfiguringyourroomstoa morepractical,userfriendly,relaxingsetup.Ifneeded,youmaywishtoconsultaprofessional interiordecoratororfengshuiexpert. *Thecolorthemesthatsetthetoneforyourroomsshouldalso besoothing,calming,andrelaxing. Thefollowingcolorstendtopromotestressandanxiety,aswellashigherbloodpressure,heartrate, andrespiration:red,orange,yellow,hotpink,andotherstrikingfluorescentcolors.Thesecolors shouldbeminimizedtohelppromoteamorerelaxingenvironment.Conversely,thefollowingcolors tendtocalm,soothe,andrelax,aswellasloweryourbloodpressure,heartrate,andrespiration:blue, green,violet,andsoftpink. *Keepyourroomtemperatureatarelaxing,comfortablelevel.Roomtemperaturesshouldbeno warmerthan72degreespreferablylower.Hot,humidroomtemperaturesincreaseirritabilityand drainenergy.Whenairconditioningbecomestooexpensivetorun,considerwearinglighterclothes, runningafan,andperiodicallycoolingdownyourskinwithacoolbathorshower.

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Meditation
Meditationisamentalexercisethataffectsbodyprocesses.Thepurposeofmeditationistogain controloveryourattentionsoyoucanchoosewhattofocusupon,ratherthanjustreactingtowhatever confrontsyou.Therelaxationandcontrolinherentinmeditationcanserveasanexcellentreliefto anxietyandstress.MeditationhasitstraditiongroundedinEasterncultures(suchasIndiaandTibet), buthasbecomepopularizedinWesternculturessincetheBeatlesvisitedIndiainthe1960s.To practiceasimpleformofmeditation,followthesedirections: Findaquietplacewhereyoucanrelaxandbealone.Chooseatimewhenyouwillnotbesotiredthat youriskfallingasleep.Useacomfortablestraightbackedchairthathelpsyousitupwithminimal effort.Achairthatalsosupportsyourupperbackandheadisevenbetter. Thenbeseatedwithyourbuttockspushedagainstthebackofthe chair.Placeyourfeetslightly forwardofyourkneeswithyourhandsrestingeitheronthearmsofthechairorinyourlap.Letyour musclesrelaxnaturally.Donttrytorelax.Tryingiswork,notrelaxation.Justassumeapassive attitudeinwhichyoufocusuponyourbreathing.Allowwhateverhappenstohappen.Ifyoufeel relaxed,fineifnot,acceptthattoo. Next,closeyoureyesandrepeatinyourmindthewordmoreeverytimeyouinhaleandtheword relaxedeverytimeyouexhale.(Ifyouhaveapreference,youcansubstituteanyothertworelaxing words,providingthewordsareshortandeitherpositiveorneutral).Repeatthisprocessforabout twentyminutes.Duringyoumeditation,donotconsciouslyalterorcontrolyourbreathingbreathe naturally. Finally,whenyouarereadytostopyoursession,allowyourbodytobecomenaturallyreadjustedto itsnormalstate.Openyoureyesgradually,firstfocusingononeobjectintheroom,andthenseveral. Takeanumberofdeepbreaths.Then,stretchwhileseated,andwhenyoufeelready,standand continueyourstretching.Sinceyourbloodpressureandheartratearedecreasedwhilemeditating, risingfromthechairtooquicklymightcausedizzinessandisnotrecommended.Ifyourushtoleave themeditationsession,youareapttofeeltiredorlosethesenseofrelaxation.Inshort,endyour sessionslowlyandcomfortablyforthebestresults. FurtherRecommendations: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) Haveagoaltomeditatetwiceadayforapproximatelytwentyminutes. Ceaseyourmeditationifyoufeeluncomfortable,dizzy,orhallucinate(whichisrare). Thebesttwotimestomeditatetendtobeimmediatelyuponrisingandjustbeforedinner. Toassistachievingarelaxedstateinyourmeditation,avoidallstimulants,suchascaffeine. Makesureyourheadisheldupwithsupportotherwise,allowyourheadtodroopforward. Ifyouwanttoknowwhenyourtimeisup,simplypeekataclockorwatch.Eventually,you shouldacquireamentalalarmclockthatwillalertyouwhenyourtimeisup. 7) Eliminateanyloudsoundsthatmayinterruptyourexperience:phones,alarmsclocks,etc. 8) Whenyoufindyourthoughtswandering,gentlyrefocusandcontinue. 9) Slowyourselfdownasmuchaspossible.Relaxandenjoythisprocess.

(AdaptedfromGreenberg,1990)

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VisualizingaPeacefulScene
Bychangingyourthoughtstosomethingrelaxingandpeaceful,youcaneaseyourmindandsoothe awaypsychologicaltension.Toprepareforthisexercise,saythewordsbelowinto ataperecorderin asoothing,slowpacedtoneofvoice.Pauselongenoughateachnotedpausetobecomefully absorbedintheexperience(perhaps13minuteseach).Then,relaxandlistentothedirections.Or,if youprefer,simplyreadandmemorizethefollowingscripttorehearsethesedirectivesfrommemory. Chooseatimeyouwillnotfallasleep,findaquietplace,andlieorsitinacomfortableposition. Now,takeseveralminutestolistentoyourtape(orguideyourselffrommemory).Allowyourselfto becomeabsorbedinthefollowingexperience(orasimilaroneofyourownmaking): Takeafewdeepbreathsandslowlycloseyoureyes.Imagineyoureinaverypeaceful,comfortable settingthathasaspecialmeaningtoyou.Itcanbeoutdoorsorindoors.Itcanbearealisticplaceor imaginary.Youfindthatyoufeelverysafeandsupportedtherethisisasafeplace.(Pause)Now lookallaboutyouandnoticethecolorsofeverythinginthisparticularscene.(Pause)Youmight focusononecolorinparticularandyoufindthiscolortobeveryrelaxing.(Pause)Asyoufeel moreandmorerelaxed,takenoticeofanysoundsthatyoucanhearinthisspecialplace.(Pause) Youmightfocusinononesoundinparticular,andyoufindthissoundtobeveryrelaxing.(Pause) Nowbecomeveryawareofanythingthatyouaretouchingonthegroundorelsewhere.Howdoesit feel?Letthesetactilesensationshelptorelaxyoustillmore.(Pause)Justcontinueallowingyourself tosettlein,feelingrelaxedandatpeaceinthiswonderfulplace.Yourefeelingverysafe,secure,and atease.Stayinthewonderfulplaceaslongasyouwish.Continueexperiencingyourrelaxingplace withallofyoursenses.(Pause)Youhavethepowerandabilitytorevisitthiswonderful,relaxing placewheneveryouwishduringthedaytoenjoythesesamefeelings.Atyourownpaceandasyou areready,reorientyourselftoyoursurroundingsandopenyoureyesatacomfortable,naturalpace. Anyscenethatfeelsverycalmingtoyouwilldoforthisexercise.Itcouldbeintheoutdoorslikea remotebeach,amountainstream,alake,orawoodedarea.Or,yourscenemayconsistofanindoor scenesuchasacozyfireplaceoracomfortablebedroom.Itisveryimportantinavisualization exercisetotaketheappropriateamounttimeandtoexperienceyoursceneinasmuchdetailand throughasmanysensesaspossible.Focusonalloftheobjectsyoucanseetheircolors,shapes,and sizes.Alsobeawareofany sounds,smells,orthingsyoucantouch.Finally,takeallofthetimeyou needtofullyexperiencetherelaxingnatureofyourscene. Rememberthatthemoreyoupictureyourselfinthispeacefulscene,theeasieritwillbetoreturnthere wheneveryoud like.Youcaneventuallylearnretreattoyourownspecialscenethesafestplacein yourmindwheneveryourefeelinganxiousortense.Thisexercisecanbeasformalorinformalas desired,aslongastheeffectsareachieved.

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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GuidedImagery
Guidedimageryexerciseshelpminimizethedistressingnatureofyourworriesandstressesby changingthewayyouseethem.Toprepareyourselfforthisexercise,chooseoneormorestressful situationsthatyoucurrentlystrugglewith(suchasthethingsyouhavetodo).Then,loosenyour clothing,gotoaquietroomawayfromothers,andsitorlieinacomfortableposition.Takeafew slow,deepbreaths,closeyoureyes,andslowlyvisualizeoneormoreofthefollowingscenes: 1)Seeyourselfandtheanxietyinvokingsituation.Haveyourselfremainregularsize,buthavethe anxietysituationslowlyshrink.Haveitbecomesmallerandsmalleruntiliteventuallydisappears.If desired,haveyourselfalsogrowinsizeuntilyoudominatethepictureandtheanxietyisnowherein site.Then,visualizeyourselfasrelaxedandrelievedaspossible. 2)Seeyourself,alongwiththeanxioussituation.Viewyourselfnormally,butvisualizetheanxious situationfadingtoblackandwhite.Then,allowtheblackandwhiteanxietyscenetofadefurther untilitbecomesfoggy,blurry,andthen,completelyinvisible.Allthewhile,seeyourselfinregular, sharpcolor,increasinglyhappyasthestressleaves.Feelfreetowavegoodbyetotheanxiety. Finally,endthescenebyseeingyourselfengaginginsomeofyourfavoriterelaxingactivities(like havingabubblebathorlyinginahammock). 3)Seeyourselfdealingwithaanxietyinvokingsituationfrombeginningtoend,buthaveitbeinthe formofamovieyouarewatchingonawidescreen.AddasmanyHollywoodfeaturesthatyoucanto manipulatethemoodinahumorous,differentwaythatdeflatesyourworries.Giveitafunny dramatictitleandnamethecastwithgoofynicknames(yourselfandothersinvolvedwiththestress). Then,speedtheanxietysceneup(fastforward),changethescenetoslowmotion,addhumorousor corny,dramaticmusic,rewindit,addlaughtracksoundsinthebackground,andchangethescene by addinganythingelsethatishumorousanddifferentfromhowyoucurrentlyexperiencetheevent. Endthemoviewitheitheraverygood,positiveending,oracatastrophicending farworsethanwould occurinreallifesoworsethatitisactuallyhumorouswhenyouwatchit.Finally,seeyourself takingafinalbowasifonastageandrollthefinalcreditswithpositivemusic. 4)Visualizeyourselfinaveryrelaxingscene,suchasthemountains,theocean,thewoods,etc.Enjoy thescenerywithallofyoursenses.Then,brieflyswitchtoseeingtheanxietysituationfor12 secondsonly.Finally,stopseeingtheanxietysituationandgobacktoyourinitialrelaxingscenevery quickly,whereyouwillstayaslongasyouwishuntilyouareveryrelaxedagain. 5)Chooseananxietyinvokingsituation,andtransformitallintoafunnylittlecreatureofsomesort wearingatshirtnamingtheworry.Noticehowsmall,funny,andunthreateningthecreatureis. Laughatitandseeitwalkawayinshameuntilitisoutofsite. 6)Chooseananxietyinvokingpersonorsituation,andtransformitintoabag(likeasuitcase).See yourselfapproachingaonewaybusortrain,placethebagonboard,andwatchitdriveawayuntilit slowlydisappearsfromview.Wavegoodbyetotheanxiety,andhaveyourselfwalkawayinthe oppositedirectionwithalargesmileonyourface. **Afterdeflatinganupsettingimagethroughoneofthevisualizationsabove,youmayfindithelpful tothenswitchtheimagetoapositive,enjoyable,relaxingsceneofyourownchoosing.

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Humor
Humorcanbedefinedastheabilitytoappreciateorexpressthatwhichisfunny.Laughterisa universalgeneticresponsetosociallyfunnycuesinaseriesofshortsyllablessuchashaha,ho ho,orheehee.Themostobviouseffectofhumorisonourmood,helpingusfeeljoy,surprise, andamusement. Correlationalstudiesofanxietyandstresshaveconnectedhumorwithmanypositiveoutcomes, including:lowerfeelingsofdepression,anxiety,andalienation,aswellaslowerbloodpressure,heart rate,pain,andstresshormones.Humorhasalsobeenassociatedwithhigherpositivemoods,a strengthenedimmunesystem,andincreasesinrelaxation,endorphins,socialcohesion,creative thinking,andfeelingsofcontrol.Inshort,humortendstolessenthephysicalandemotionalimpactof anxietyandstressespeciallywiththosewhohavealreadycultivatedastrongsenseofhumor. Toincreasethehumorandlaughterinyourlife,dothefollowing: 1)Figureoutanddefinewhatmakesyoulaugh outloud.Listeverythingthatcomestomindthat makesyoulaughinthisway,includingwhereyouare,whoyouarewith,andwhatyouaredoing.Be honestwithyourself.Ifneeded,carryaroundapadofpaperandwriteoutthesituationsand circumstanceswhenyoucatchyourselflaughing. 2)Next,useyourlisttobuildahumorlibraryofalltheartifactsthatmakeyoulaugh:books, magazines,movies,music,TVshows,etc.Then,gototheseresourceswheneveryouneedalaugh lift. 3)Finally,becausehumorintensifieswhenyouhavesomeonetoshareitwith,listallofyourfriends, family,andassociatesyoufeelcloseenoughtothatyoucanlaughwith.Then,engageinasmanyfun activitieswiththemaspossiblefromstep2,aswellasadditionalfunactivitiestypicallyenjoyedwith others:goingouttofunnymovies,playingfunnygettoknowyougames,goingtocomedyclubs, etc.

(AdaptedfromProvine,2000andDoskoch,1996)

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AnxietyandStressEducation
Itcanbehelpfultoengageinsomeadditionalresearchandreadingaboutanxietyandstress.Themore youunderstandtheproblem,thebetteryouwillbeabletocontrolit.

BooksonAnxietyandPhobiaManagement
TheShynessandSocialAnxietyWorkbook (2000).Oakland,CA:NewHarbingerPublications. *offersplentyofsimplewaystoovercomeshynessandsocialanxiety TriumphOverShyness:ConqueringShyness&SocialAnxiety (2001).MurrayB.SteinandJohnR. Walker.NewYork:McGrawHill. *agoodbookonunderstandingsocialanxietyandshyness TheAnxiety&PhobiaWorkbook(2001)byEdmundJBourne.Oakland,CA:NewHarbinger Publications *aneasytoreadworkbookversionwithavarietyofanxietyandphobiamanagementtechniques*

BooksonStress,StressManagement,andRelaxation
Stress:LivingandWorkinginaChangingWorld (1999)byGeorgeManning,KentCurtis,andSteve McMillen.Duluth,Minnesota:WholePersonAssociates,Inc. *thisstressbookiscomprehensive,easyreading,andhighlyrecommended* TheRelaxationandStressReductionWorkbook(2000)byMarthaDavis,MatthewMcKay,and ElizabethRobbinsEschelman.Oakland,CA:NewHarbinger. *aneasytoreadworkbookversionwithavarietyofstressmanagementandrelaxationtechniques* WhereverYouGo,ThereYouAre(1995)byJonKabatZinn.NewYork:Hyperion. *ahelpful,indepthlookatwhatmeditationisanhowtodoit*

WebSites
www.algy.com/anxiety *Acomprehensivewebsiteforunderstandinganxiety,panic,andalloftheformsofanxietydisorder. www.stress.org *TheofficialwebsiteofTheAmericanInstituteofStressofferssomegood,comprehensivestress information

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CopingwithHasslesandLifeChanges
Hassles: Thehasslesinyourlifecanbethoughtofasthesmallandmediumlevelannoyancesthatslowlybuild anxietyandstresslevelsinyourlife.Toassesswhichhasslesarecurrentlyaffectingyouinyourlife, answerthefollowingquestions: Y(Yes) Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y N(No) N N N N N N N N N

1)Iamconcernedaboutmyweightbeingtooheavyortoolight 2)Therisingcostoflivingbothersme 3)Ihavealottodotomaintainmyhome 4)Misplacingorlosingthingsisaproblemforme 5)Ihavetoomuchtodoandtoolittletimetodoit 6)Iamnotsatisfiedwithmyphysicalappearance 7)Managingfinancesandkeepingrecordstakealotoftime 8)Someoneclosetomeisinpoorhealth 9)Iamconcernedaboutcrimeandsafety

Eachofthesehassleshasthepotentialtobuildyourstresslevelsandinterfereinyourlife. LifeChanges: Whenevermajorlifechangesoccurinyourlife,theresultantstresstakesalargephysicaland emotionaltoll.Whenlifechangeshappentogether,and/orareofstrongenoughintensity,theresult canbeillness,hospitalvisits,andevendeath.Notewhichofthefollowingstressorsyouhave experiencedoverthelast12months(listedinorderfrommoststressfullifechangetoleast): *deathofspouse/partner,divorce,marital/partnerseparation,jailterm,deathofclosefamilymember, personalinjuryorillness,marriage,firedatwork,marital/partnerreconciliation,retirement,changein healthoffamilymember,pregnancy,sexdifficulties,gainofnewfamilymember,business readjustment,changeinfinancialstate,deathofaclosefriend,changetodifferentlineofwork, changeinnumberofargumentswithspouse/partner,mortgageorloanformajorpurchase(home, etc.),foreclosureofmortgageorloan,changeinresponsibilitiesatwork,sonordaughterleaving home,troublewithinlaws,outstandingpersonalachievement,spouse/partnerbeginningorstopping work,changeinlivingconditions,revisionofpersonalhabits,troublewithboss,changeinworkhours orconditions,changeinresidence,changeinrecreation,changeinchurchactivities,changeinsocial activities,mortgageorloanforlesserpurchase(car,TV,etc.),changeinsleepinghabits,changein numberoffamilygettogethers,changeineatinghabits,vacation,Christmas,minorviolationsofthe law* Howyouhandlestressdependsuponthetotaldemandsyouface(yourhassles+lifechanges)in combinationwiththeresourcesyoupossessformeetingthesedemands. Thissystemaimstobuild yourstressabsorbing,adapting,andmanagementresources.Practiceidentifyingthecurrentand recenthasslesandlifechangesyouhavefaced.Then,matchup anduseappropriateinterventionsin thissectionthataddressbothyourspecificanxietyandstressreliefneedsnow,aswellastherelevant concernstoaddressearlytopreventfutureproblems. (AdaptedfromManning,Curtis,andMcMillen,1999)

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ProblemSolving
Howyouconceptualizeandplantotackleyourproblemswillgreatlydeterminehowwellyouresolve themandhowmuchstressandanxietyyouexperienceintheprocess.Mostoftheseproblemscome fromworryingorbeingupsetaboutwhatwecantcontrolleavinglesstime,energy,andfocusfor effortsthatactuallywillresolveourproblems.Writeoutthefollowingexercisewhenyouarefacinga stressfulproblemtominimizeyourstressandbetterresolvetheissue. Step1Identifyyourproblem:Writeoutthespecificproblemyouarefacing:whattheproblemis andwhyitisaproblemforyou.(Onlywriteoutoneproblematatime). (Forexample:MyparentsarevisitingandIdontlikehowtheygivemecriticalcomments) Step2WhatdoyouWISHyoucoulddotoresolveyourproblemifyouhadthepower?Inother words,ifyouhadamagicwandandhadultimatepowertochangethisproblem,whatwouldyoudo? Whatwouldyoumakehappen? (Forexample:IwouldmakeitsotheywouldnevergivemeadviceorcriticismagainunlessIask themfortheiropinion). Step3WhatareyouNOTabletodotosolvetheproblem?Realisticallyadmityourlimitsandstate whatyouareunabletodotosolvetheproblem. (Forexample:Icantchangetheirpersonalitiesormakethemmoresensitiveandrespectful) Step4WhatAREyouabletodotosolvetheproblem?Whatcanyoureasonablydototrytochange thesituation?Whatareallofthewaysyoucouldapproachthisthatarewithinyourpowertodo? (NOTE:thebetteryougetatthisbrainstorming,thebiggeryourlistwillbe.Usually,thebiggeryour listthebetteritwillbe). (Forexample,youcouldchooseto1)respectfullyletthemknowyourfeelingsandrequesttheyonly givecriticaladviceandopinionswhenaskedfor,2)canceltheirtrip,3)avoidtalkingtothemabout sensitivetopicsduringtheirvisit,4)haveafriendbewithyouduringtheirvisittoavoidtheirgiving opinionsonsensitivesubjects,5)pretendyouaresick,and/or6)readabookonrespondingto criticismandusetheideasduringthevisit). Stage5Chooseyourcourseofactiontosolvetheproblem:First,crossoffwhatyouwishyou coulddoandwhatyoucantdo.Thenexaminewhatyoucando.Crossofftheideasyoudont preferandplanforhowyouwillimplementwhateverideasareleft.Expandontheremainingideas untilyouhaveaverycomplete,doableplan.Then,persistentlyfollowthroughonyourchosen courseofactionuntilyourproblemsaresolved(oratleastmoderated). (Forexample,fromyouroptionsofwhatyoucandoinstep4,youchoosetopreparefortheirtrip byreadingabookonrespondingtocriticismandthenplantousetheseideasduringthevisit.Then whentheyarrive,youstartoffthevisitbyassertivelyandrespectfullyrequestingthattheyonlygive theiradviceandopinionwhenaskedfor.Thenyoureassurethemofyourcareandconcernforthe relationship).

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TimeManagement
Twocommoncomplaintsofhighlyanxiousandstressedindividualsarethattheyhavetoomuchto dointoolittletimeandtheywishtheyhadmorehoursintheday.Thetruthis,themoreworried andstressedyouare,thelessenergyandfocusyoullhaveforthetasksathandbecauseofthe drainingnatureofstressitself.Thisoftenturnsintoaviciouscycle:themoreanxiousandstressed youare,theloweryourenergyandtaskperformance,leadingtomoreanxietyandstress,andsoon. Therefore,thefirstwaytobettermanageyourtime istodecreaseyourstressandincreaseyourenergy andtaskefficiency(suchaswiththeinterventionsinthissection).Rememberspendsomedaily timeonyourrelaxationactivities.Having1lessclockhourtoworkbutfeelingmoreinvigoratedand relaxedforthetasksathandwillresultinmoreoutputANDlessanxietyandstressatthesametime. Thinkaboutit.Ifyoudonotbelieveinthisidea,thentimemanagementwillnotworkforyou. Second,inadditiontodoingrelaxationpromotingactivities,herearesomesimple,strategicactivities youcandotobettermanagethetimeyouhaveforwhatyouneedtodo: *Everymorning,listeverymajortaskyouneedtodothatday,prioritizingyourtasksnumerically fromhighesttolowestinorderofimportance.Then,crossoffyourtasksduringthedayasyou completethem(ordelegatethem).Ifyoudonotcompleteordelegateallofthelowerprioritytasksby theendoftheday,itshouldntmatter.Bydefinition,thesetasksarelowerpriorityanddont necessarily havetobedonebytheendoftheday.Youranxietyandstresswilllessenasyoustrikeoff themostcriticaltasksandgoloweronthelist. *Listallofthecurrenttasksyouneedtododuringthenextday,week,month,andyear.Rankthese taskseither3(critical),2(important),or1(optional).Crossoffthe1s(theoptionaltasks) fromyourlistcompletely.Then,writeoutaplanforhowandwhenyouwillaccomplishthe3s (criticaltasks)andthe2s(importanttasks).Postyourrevisedlistandchartyourprogressfor accomplishingthemasyouonlyfocusonyouressentialtasks.Delegatewhatevertasksyoucanand systematicallyworktoaccomplishtherest.Remember,youcantdoeverything,sojustdothebest youcanwiththetimeandenergyavailable. *Regularlycleanupandorganizeyourmainworkandlivingspace.Dontworryaboutcleaningand organizingtheareasofyourhomeorofficeyouuseleast.Organizeyourworkmaterialssoyouknow whatiswhereinalogical,userfriendlysystemthatworksbestforyou. *Useaplannereverymorning,night,andthroughouttheday.Plan,checkoff,andreplanagain andagain.Makesureyourplannerisportable,userfriendly,andattractive(noonewilluseanugly planner!).Yourplannercaneitherbeoftheoldfashionedpaperandpenvarietyorasleek,electronic palmpilot.Beselectiveand onlychooseaplanneryoulikeandwilluse. *Remember,thesmallworkyoullinvestinalloftheseactivitiesshouldbemorethanworththe invigorating,timereducingresults.Theabovetimemanagementstrategiesareaninvestmentin yourself.Thisisanexcellentavenuetomakeyourlifeeasier.Seeyourselfasaworthwhileperson deservingofthehelp andassistanceyouwillbegivingyourself.

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PlayTime
Spendingyourtimeengagedinsomeplayfulactivitieseverydaycanbeaneffectiveanxietyandstress relieverevenifforashortperiodoftime.Playtimehelpstorelaxyouby1)divertingyour attentionawayfromyourworriesandstress,2)givingyousomethingelseinyourlifetoenjoyand feelproductivewith,and3)givingyouanoutlettoenjoy,relax,andblowoffsteam.Playcanbe definedasany voluntaryactivityyou chooseto participateinwhose onlypurposeistoprovide enjoyment,fulfillment,satisfaction,andrelieffromthechallengesandobligationsinyourlife.In short,engaginginplayisproductivebyprovidingtimesofenjoymentwillhelptocalmyoudownand taketheedgeoff. Whenconsideringwhichplaytimeactivitiesorhobbiestoengagein,reviewthefollowing complimentaryexercisesofthissection:takingtimeoffandtimemanagement.Theseactivities willhelpyoufigureouthow,when,andwhereyoucanplantoengageinyourfavoriteanxiety/stress relievingplayactivity.Next,brainstormwhichformsofplayyoucanpracticethatwillprimarily promoteeitherphysicaloremotionalfulfillment.Finally,implementaconsistent,daily,weekly,and monthlyregimentofyouractivitiesinwhateverpractical,consistentwaypossible. Agoodactivityorhobbywillnotonlyhelpyoutakeyourmindoffofyourworries,butitwillalsobe productiveinsomeway.Alistofinvigoratingplaytimeactivitiesorhobbiesyoumaywanttoengage inincludethefollowing: Sports Exercise Arts/Crafts Shopping(actualorjustwindowshopping) Spa/Massage Hiking/Camping/Outdoors Education/Classes/Groups/Therapy SpendingQualityTimeConnectingwithOthers(withoutmentioningyourstress) Decorating/Designing Cleaning,Organizing,andUncluttering Reading/Writing Games(boardgames,videogames) TV/Movies Music Cooking/Nutrition VolunteerWork/Service Pets/Animals Photography Religion SelfHelp

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TakingTimeOff
Takingtimeofffromyourusualdutiescanbeaneffectivewaytoregainenergy,motivation,and composureforallthatyouhavetodo.Sometimesitisimportanttosimplyavoidtheworriesand stressesoflifebyengaginginreinvigoratingactivities. Becauseanxietyandstresscausesboth psychologicalandphysiologicalstrain,itisimportanttoperiodicallydonothingbutrecuperateand rechargeyouremotionalandphysicalbatteries. Itisimportanttonotethatthisintervention alone willnotresolveyourworries,becausethesame issuesthatyoutemporarilygainrelieffromwillstillbewaitingforyouwhenyoureturn.Therefore, combiningthisexercisewithothersinthissectionwillproducethebestshortandlongtermstress reliefresults. Herearesomesuggestionsandconsiderationsfortakingtimeoffandavoidingyourworriesand stress: *Whenyouarrangetotaketimeoff,fullycommittotakingaperiodoftimecompletelyawaytoallow forthemaximumrecuperation.Therefore,plan toleaveyourcellphoneandpagerathome(oroff)if itssafetodoso. *Arrangetotakeasmuchtimeoffasyoucanreasonablyaffordtotakewithoutallowingyour problemstomultiplytoogreatly.Yourconsiderationsmayincludemoney,jobsecurity,familyduties, andtimepressuretasksthatwillmultiplyifleftunattendedfortoolong.Afewhoursawayfromyour worriesandstressescanbehelpful,adayoraweekendevenbetter,andaweekortwoawaybeingthe best.Vacationslongerthantwo weeksarerareandusuallyimpractical,butcanbehighlybeneficialif youcanmanageit. *Chooseactivitiestoengageinthatwillreinvigorateyouphysicallyandemotionally.Iftheworryor stressyouwanttorecoverfromisprimarilyemotional,youmaywanttospendyourtimeina physicallyinvigoratingactivitytochangethefocusandallowforrecuperation.Conversely,ifyou wanttorecoverfromaprimarilyphysicalstress,youmaywanttospendyourtimeengagedinan emotionallyinvigorating (butphysicallyrelaxing)activity. *Brainstormandplananappropriateactivitythatoffersrelieffromthespecifictypeofanxietyor stressyouarestrugglingwith.Examplesof physicallyinvigoratingactivitiesmayincludeskiing, swimming,rafting,rockclimbing,hiking,scubadiving,kayaking,dancing,etc.(Note:onlyplanto engageinphysicallyinvigoratingactivitiesthataresafe,soconsultyourphysician).Conversely, examplesof emotionallyinvigorating(yetphysicallyrelaxing)activitiesmayincludevisitingaday spa,gettingamassage,sunbathing,hottubbing,goingonacruise/sailing,siteseeing,takingatour, seeingaplayormusical,etc.

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AssertivenessTraining
Assertivecommunicationisakeytolesseningyouranxietyandstresslevelswhenfacingaproblem orconcerninvolvingothers.Thisexerciserepresentstheunderlyingphilosophybehindthe communicationskills,negotiatingskills,andrespondingtocriticismexercisesofthissystem andismeanttobeusedincombinationwiththem. Assertivecommunicationinvolvesclearlystatingyouropinions,howyoufeel,andwhatyouwant, withoutviolatingtherightsorfeelingsofothers.Assertivecommunicatorsareopen,honest,and directwiththeirwantsandneeds,whileatthesametimebeingpolite,respectful,andsensitivetothe feelingsofothersasmuchaspossible.Themainadvantagesofassertivecommunicationinclude activeparticipationindecisionmakingandgettingwhatyouwantwithoutalienatingothers. Assertivenessworksbecauseyouropennessallowsyoutoclearlyandcompletelyexpressyourwants andneeds,whileyoursensitivityminimizestheotherfeelingattackedorthreatened,whichleadsto defensiveness. Nonassertivecommunicationincreasesworryandstressbydecreasingcooperationandcollaboration withothers.Ononeextremeisaggressivecommunication:beingopen,honest,anddirect,yet forcefulandoffensive.Examplesofaggressivecommunicationincludearguing,yelling,calling names,notlistening,makingrealorimpliedthreats,etc.Ontheotherextremeispassive communication:beingpolite,respectful,andsensitivetothefeelingsofothers,butonlyexpressing feelingspartly(ifatall).Examplesofpassivecommunicationincludetalkingsoftly,givingthesilent treatment,avoidingeyecontact,passiveaggression,expectingmindreading,andhavingslouched,yet tensepostureconveyingamessageofsubmission.Poorcommunicationoftenswitchesbetween aggressive andpassive,leadingtonegativeoutcomeswithothers. Todevelopyourskillsofassertivecommunication,practicethefollowing: *Speakinacalm,clear,confidenttoneofvoicepracticeinthemirrorandthenwithothers *Makegoodeyecontact *Haveanupright,yetrelaxedposture *Keepafocusonexpressingyourfeelings,ratherthanattackingandblaming *Makerequestsandsuggestions,ratherthandemandsandorders *Takepersonalresponsibilityforyourfeelings *Focusmoreonfactsandprinciplesthanpersonaldifferences *Focusonsolutions,collaboration,agreement,andcompromise *Considertakingmartialartsorselfdefenseclasses *Expressyourfeelingsrespectfully,butwithoutapologywhennoneiswarranted *Remindyourselfthatyourfeelings,wants,andneedareimportantandvalid *Acceptthattobeheard,validated,andrespectedcanbemorevaluablethanhavingapproval *Askyourselfbeforespeaking:howcanIsaythisinanopen,honest,forthrightway? *Alsoaskyourself:howcanI saythisinawaythatminimizestheotherpersonfeelingdefensive, attacked,orthreatened? *BeOKwithsayingno *Pickyourbattles,butdisagreeandstandyourgroundwhennecessary *Sticktoonesensitivetopicatatimeunlessbotharereadytomovetoanothersubject *Whenatodds,politelyrepeatyourmainargumentandagreetodisagree (AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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CommunicationSkills
Theanxietyandstressweexperienceinlifearehighlyconnectedtohowdifficultourinteractionsare with thesignificantothersinourlife:family,friends,coworkers,etc.How youcommunicatewith otherstendstobemoreimportantthanwhatyoumaybediscussing.Communicatinginanywaythe otherperceives asthreateningoroffensivegenerallyresultsinothersgettingdefensiveandeither arguingbackorshuttingdown.Constructivecommunicationatthispointisusuallyfutile,resulting furthercontention.Rememberwhetheryoumeanttobeoffensiveornot,anoffendedpersonstill willfeelandreactinthesameway.Theirperceptionistheirreality. Therefore,inordertokeeppeaceandminimizeworryandstresslevels,itisimportantto communicatetoothersaboutsensitivemattersinwaysthatopenandhonest,butalso polite,sensitive, andrespectful.Thefollowingcommunicationskillscanhelpyouachievethisbalance: 1) UseIstatements(insteadofYou) Ifeel_________when_________because________ Iwouldlikeitif/Iwishthat__________________ OtherwiseI________________________________(optionalbecarefulwiththis) (Avoidsblamingandshowsyoutakeresponsibilityforyourselfandyourfeelings) 2) Bringupthepastaslittleasnecessarytomakeyourpoint (Thissensitivesubjectmakespeopledefensive,souseminimallywithgreatdiscretion) Bespecificanddontgeneralize(avoidalways,never,names,andlabels) (dontmakeaproblembiggerthanitactuallyis) Sticktothesubject(untilyouarebothreadytomoveon) (itshardenoughtotalkaboutonesensitivesubjectbringingupmoreisoverwhelming) Beawareofyourbodylanguage(keepitopen,nonthreatening,andattentive) (keepyourarmsandlegsuncrossedandunfolded,keepgoodeyecontact) Keepasoft,respectfultoneofvoice(avoidyelling,sarcasm,patronizing,orsharpness) (thewordsyouusewontmatterifyousoundattacking,blaming,ordefensive)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7) Admitimmediatelywhereyouarewrong/agreeimmediatelywheretheyareright (wheneveryoucanhonestlydosothisputsyoubothonthesameside) 8) Bebriefinyourargument(avoidlecturingallowforbackandforthdiscussion) (ifyourambletoolong,youwilllosetheotherpersonandtheywilltuneout) Listenreflectivelywithoutinterrupting(listenfirst,respondsecond) (respondonlyaftertheotherfeelsheard,understood,andvalidated) Offersolutionsandsupporttheotherpersontryingto(orwantingto)change (beapartofthesolutionnottheproblemdontbenegative)

9)

10)

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RespondingtoCriticism
Amaincauseofanxietyandstresscomesfromdealingwithotherpeoplescriticismsandputdowns. Whencriticalpeopleareopenmindedandwillingtolisten,refertothecommunicationskillsand negotiationskillsexercisestotalkthingsoutandcometoacompromise. Conversely,rational,logicalconversationswithclosedmindedtroublemakersarecounterproductive becausesuchpeopleareonlylookingtomanipulateyouandgiveyouahardtime.Thekeyisthis: howyouchoosetorespondtotheircriticismwilllargelydeterminehowmuchcontentionwillfollow. Therefore,youareneverahelplessvictimtocriticalpeopleeveniftheyholdsomesortofapower positionoveryou. Therearethreewaysofrespondingtoclosedmindedcriticsthatareusually nothelpful.Infact,these responsesusuallyjustmakethingsworse: 1) Tryingtoexplainyourselfandyourposition(whichtheywilldiscredit) 2) Firingbackacriticismtowardsthem(leadingtoabackandforth argument) 3) Sittingtherequietlyandtakingit(leadingtofurthercriticismandlessrespect) Respondinginanyofthesethreewayswilljustgiveammunitionfortheotherpersontouseagainst you.Aruleofthumbisthatwhenothersarecontentiousandlookingforafight,theyarenotinthe moodforreason.Justfocusondeflatingtheirargumentandescapingdamageuntilalatertimewhen theyrereadytotalkcivillyandrespectfully(althoughsometroublemakersmayneverbeopentocivil discussionsad,buttrue).Thefollowingfourtechniquesservetodeflateclosedmindedcriticism whenexecutedpolitely,respectfully,andundercontrol: 1) Summarize (orparaphrase)backtothemwhattheyvesaidtoallowthemtorestatethemselves morespecificallyandrespectfully. 2) Askforspecificstocounteractandminimizethegeneralized,overblowncriticismtheyhavejust deliveredagainstyou. 3) Agreeinpartwithwhateverportionoftheirstatementyouhonestlycan(withoutdiscountingit withbut,although,orhoweverusingandwillbefarmoreconstructive). 4) Useabrokenrecordtechnique:repeatedlyagreewithwhateverpartoftheircriticismthatyou honestlycan,alongwithabriefresolutiontoimproveuntiltheyfinallyseeyouwillnotbe divertedfromthesubjectandfinallybackoff. Thesedeflatingtechniquesworkbecausetheyallowyoutopolitelyandrespectfullyrespondinways thatsendtheballbackintheircourtwithoutgivingthemanythingfurtherammunitiontouseagainst you.Aftertheyaredeflatedandrunoutofbullets,theconflictwillendandtheywillgoaway probablytofindanotherpersontheycanventonwithbettersuccess.

(AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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NegotiationSkills
Whenyourinterestsareindirectconflictwithanother,afairsettlementornegotiationthattotally satisfiesbothsidesisdifficult,ifnotimpossibletoachieve.Anxiety,stress,frustration,and contentionareoftentheresult.Therefore,sometimesthebestyoucanhopeforisto findaworkable compromiseyoucanbothlivewith.Examplesmayincludethefollowing: *MywaywhenIdoit,yourwaywhenyoudoit *Mywaythistime,yourwaynexttime *PartofwhatIwantwithpartofwhatyouwant *IfyoulldoXforme,Illdo Yforyou *Welltrymywaythistimeandifyoudontlikeit,youcanvetoitnexttime However,ifoneorbothofyoudontfeelopentocreatingacompromise,itcanbehelpfultofirsttake turnslisteningtoandvalidatingeachothersfeelingson thesubjectevenifyoudisagreewithwhy theyhavethosefeelings.Afterbothsidesfeellistenedtoandvalidatedwithoutcriticism,negotiation shouldbepossible.Tolistentoeachothersfeelingseffectively: 1) Afirstpersonrespectfullysharestheirfeelingsonthesubjectfor1530seconds. 2) Asecondperson(thelistener)doesnotrespondback,butinsteadparaphrasesbackwhatwas heardtoshowifwhatwassaidandwhatwasheardarethesame. 3) Thefirstpersoneitheragreesifheorshefeelsheardandunderstood,orifnot,clarifiesand restateswhatwassaiduntilbothsidesareonthesamepage. 4) Thisprocesscontinuesuntilthefirstpersonfeelsthattheirmainpositionisheard,validated, andunderstood. 5) Therolesarethenreversedwiththe secondpersonopeningupandthefirstpersonlistening. 6) Thisbackandforthprocesscontinuesuntilbothsidesfeellistenedto,heard,validated,and understoodonallofthemainaspectsoftheirposition.(*Note:neithersideshouldbe interrupted,criticized,ormadetodefendtheirpositionatanypointofthisexercise). Ifbothsidesarestillnotreadytoengageinaworkablecompromise,takesometimeawayfrom thesituationandthenrevisititwhenfeelingshavecooledoff.Whenbothsidesare ready,begina discussionandseeifaworkablecompromisenaturallyresults.Ifnot: 1) Takeoutapieceofpapertolistallofthepossiblesolutionseachofyoucanthinkofforthe situation.Then,taketurnsmakingsuggestionsbackandforth.Asyouarebrainstorming,let yourimaginationsrunwildwhilegeneratingasmanypotentialsolutionsaspossible.NOTE: Dontjudgeorcriticizetheotherpersonssuggestions. 2) Afterbothsideshaveaddedasmanypotentialsolutionsaspossible(hopefully,atleast4a piece),eachtakesturnscrossingoffthesolutionsonebyonetheyaremostopposedtountil thereareonly2solutionsleft. 3) Decideonaworkablecompriseyoucanbothlivewith,evenifjustforalittlewhile.Often thisoccursbycombiningelementsofthelast2options(plusanydesirableelementsofthe crossedoutoptionsthatbothcanagreeto). 4) Agreetorevisitandrenegotiatetheissueinthefuturetocreateanewworkablecompromise (asneedediffeelingsorconditionschange). (AdaptedfromBourne,1992)

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InfluencingSkills
Sometimes,webecomeanxiousorstressedbecausewetrytofix,control,push,orpressure othersintothechangeswefeeltheyshouldmake.Becausenoonecanmakesomeoneelsechange, mutualstressandfrustrationusuallyresult.Peopleonlychangeiftheychoosetodoso.Therefore, thebestwecandoistostoppressuringthem,domorepositiveinfluencingforchange,andaccept thechoicestheymake(ornotmake). Positivereinforcementcreatesthegreatestlikelihoodthatotherswillchangebecausepositive influenceisusedinsteadofnegativepressure.Positivereinforcementleadstochangebecause peoplefeeltheyare choosing tochangeforpositive reasons,ratherthanfeelingforced tochangeto avoidnegativity. Peopletendtonotchangeundernegativepressuredbecauseofpride,fear,orsimplyhavingadifferent opinionsorvalues.Negativepressureworkspoorlyingettingotherstochangebecausepeopletendto respondwithrebellionorsabotage.Oneormoreofthefollowingresponsestonegativepressureare mostcommon.Peopleeither: 1) stubbornlyresistchangingandargueback 2) temporarilychangetostopthenegativity,onlytorevertbacktooldwayswhenitssafe 3) grudginglychangeinthepressuredway,butwithadeterminationtogetrevengeassoonas opportunitypresentsitselfinthefuture Tohelpsomeonechangethroughreinforcement,practicethefollowing: 1) Politelyandrespectfully requesttheothertochangeoccasionallyincertain specificways. Forexample:Iwouldappreciateitif,Iwouldlikeitif,Ireallylikeitwhen. Thenkeepquietaboutitforawhileandletthemchoosewhattodo. Catchtheotherintheactofbehavinghowyoudlikethemtobe,thenpraisethemheavily fortheirefforts.Begenuineandavoidsarcasm. Modelthebehaviorsyouwanttheothertodoyourself,thenpolitely invitethemtojoinin withyou.Showappreciationiftheyjoinyou andacceptitiftheysayno.Bepatient. Aftertheotherpersonactsinthewaysyoudesireforaperiodoftime,spontaneouslygive thematangiblerewardordoafunactivitywiththem. Subtly letthemknowthatthereward ispartlyoutofappreciationfortheirpositiveefforts.(Beslyanddontbribe!) Minimizeallnegativepressuretactics,including:nagging,yelling,criticizing,complaining, putdowns,threats,ultimatums,arguments,disapproval,resentment,powerstruggles,passive aggression,etc. Afterusingacombinationofthe5approachesabove,decidewhenyouhavedoneallyoufeel likedoingtopromotethechanges,andthenletgo.Allowthemtomaketheirchoicesand thenacceptthingsthewaythingsarenowthatyouvedoneyourbesttopromotechangeon yourend.Rememberyouwouldntlikeanotherpersontryingtoforce youtochange,so dontdoittosomeoneelse.

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

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CitedReferences
Balch,P.A.,&Balch,J.F.(2000). Prescriptionfornutritionalhealing.New York:Penguin Putnam,Inc. Braden,N.(1982).TheRomanticloveandanswerbook.NewYork:PenguinGroup,Inc. Bourne,E.J.(1992).Theagoraphobictreatmentgroup.InM.McKayandK.Paleg(Eds.), Focal grouppsychotherapy (pp.67133). Burns,D.D.(1990). Thefeelinggoodhandbook.NewYork:ThePenguinGroup. Chesser,B.R.(1984).Fivemythsthatcanwreckyourmarriage.ReadersDigest,6,2328 Doskoch,P.(1996,July/August). Happilyeverlaughter.RetrievedJuly4,2002fromtheWorld WideWeb:http://www.psychologytoday.org. Gottman,J.(1994a,May/June).Whymarriagesfail. Networker,3,4148. Gottman,J.(1994b).Whymarriagessucceedorfail.NewYork:Simon&Schuster. Gottman,J.(2000).Thesevenprinciplesformakingmarriagework.NewYork:Crown Publishers. Greenberg,J.S.(1990).Comprehensivestressmanagement.Dubuque,IA:Wm.C.Brown Publishers. Kurdek,L.A.(1993).Predictingmaritaldissolution:A5yearprospectivelongitudinalstudyof newlywed couples. JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,64(2),221242. Jorgensen,S.R.(1986).Marriageandthefamily.NewYork:Macmillan. Manning,G.,Curtis,K.,&McMillen,S.(1999). Stress:Livingandworkinginachanging world. Duluth,Minnesota:WholePersonAssociates,Inc. Nevid,J.S.(1984).Sexdifferencesinfactorsofromanticattraction.SexRoles,11,401411. Provine,R.R.(2000,November/December). Thescienceoflaughter.RetrievedJuly4,2002fromthe WorldWideWeb: http://www.psychologytoday.org. Sternberg,R.J.(1988).Thetriangleoflove:Intimacy,passion,andcommitment.NewYork: Basic Books. Stroebel,C.F.(1989). Qr:Thequietingreflex. NewYork:BerkleyPublishingGroup. Warren,N.C.(1992).Findingtheloveofyourlife.ColoradoSprings:FocusontheFamily Publishing.

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Note:Thisprogramisonlymeanttocomplimentratherthanreplacetheservicesofalicensedand qualifiedpsychotherapistormedicaldoctor.Alwaysseekouttheservicesoftheselicensed professionalsasnecessary.Consultwithyourprimarycarephysicianbeforeutilizingthenutritionalor exerciserecommendationscontainedinthisprogram.Onlyusethisprogramwithmoderationand commonsense.Useatyourownrisk.

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