Fishes and Fireworks July 4th with fireworks streaming red, blue, and green across the clear

blank slate of the sky, colliding and crashing down to the placid blue depths of Pearl Lake. My family would spend many summer days and nights, splashing around in the clear, blue waters sifting away countless childhood memories; chasing fireflies long after the Sun had taken its rest for the day. Long, lazy days spent with my brother Simon crashing through the trees with some new adventure the world had yet to deflate. Only when we heard our mothers calls for lunch did we finally stop, racing each other to be the first one back; though we both knew Id win. Me being ten years old at the time and Jack only eight, I had the clear advantage. When we broke out of the underbrush, our mother would meet us with her hands on her hips, giving us that same excited look on her face as if shed just seen the world for the first time. They say she had that very same look on her face the day she succumbed to death and gave up on her frail, ragged body savaged by months of chemotherapy and different useless medicines. As she lost control of her body in those final moments, she finally saw Simon, and after all those years of searching she finally had him to herself for eternity. I heard about all of this later from on the nurses, as she was one of my mothers close friends and my need for every detailed drove me off the path of insanity. When I received the letter for my mothers funeral, I dont even think it registered. Not at first at least. I know I felt it somewhere deep down, but for me, I had already lost my mother many years before her death in my own troubles. I withdrew the inheritance check from the envelope and used it to feed the monster that had lived inside of me since that horrible day. Ever since that day Ive been searching for something I knew I would never find, my dreams filled with the same memories, more nightmares than sleep. Soon sleeping just didnt become an option, because I couldnt go back and face him again, not after what Id done. And with that I sank and sank, evermore quickly into the murky red waters of Pearl Lake. Then I remembered again my fathers laugh vibrating inside of me, as he stood next to the picnic table with hands in his freshly pressed blue jeans, a plaid shirt tucked nicely away underneath. Hed pick us each up and wed be nose deep in his jet black hair, failing against his immeasurable strength as we took in the sweet scent of his fresh after shave. But the days I always remember are the trips we took out on our boat fishing, drifting slowly out on our little piece of heaven. As we floated farther away towards the great fiery star in the sky, wed cast our lines out into the crystal blue ripples hoping to snag tonights dinner and be praised by our mother for being such a brave little man. Simon loved the fish more than he loved fishing itself, and it always seemed to fascinate him to watch the little fishes flop upon the deck, gasping for air and wriggling under the excited pressure of his tiny little hands. I always knew he was a better fisherman than me, as he always had the patience could never muster. The only problem was, no matter how badly father and I would urge him too, he would never keep the fish. Every time he reeled one in, hed grab it in both his hands and put it near his mouth and speak to it in a hushed voice, just barely indiscernible to my ears. My father used to call him the fish whisperer, as he said that the fish would talk to him and tell him secrets no man had ever heard. And then right after he had caught the fish, there would be a loud plunk in the water, and he would cast his reel out again, whistling softly underneath his breath. One hot summer day we all sat out on the deck uncomfortable waiting to hook one in, as sweat dangled forming beads falling down coolly across our foreheads. We had yet to catch a single fish that day, or even get a nibble in the last couple of hours, and I was growing especially antsy; reeling my line in and recasting it out repeatedly in different spots hoping to catch something. Simon sat calmly behind me, staring out

into the cloudless blue sky. From behind me I heard the pull of the line, as Simon quickly jumped to his feet, carefully reeling the fish in closer. As I got up and stood next to him, I could tell it was a very large fish, judging by the enormous strain of the line. Simon stay collected and with a great heave we both pulled on the line and the fish fell and began flopping against the deck. Wide-eyed and grinning at the giant fish, I patted Simon on the back and then rapidly flicked out the switch blade my father had bought me for my birthday. As I bent down to begin to gut the fish, I felt my arm get wrenched back behind me and my switch blade clatter to the floor with a loud clack. Now infuriated, I wheeled around and pushed Simon back, shouting Whats your problem? Its just one STUPID fish! I said fuming. Its not just a stupid fish. It cant defend itself so just leave it alone! It doesnt deserve this! Simon said wildly grabbing for the fish that was frantically flopping on the ground looking for an escape. In that moment my mind split into two pieces as I kicked the fish as hard as I could against the wall, with my brother tumbling to the floor with it. And with that the ships door burst open with my dad mad-eyed and staring directly at me. Get in there! Now! he said furiously, striding past me towards Simon while pushing me toward the door. I quickly strode into the room, throwing and kicking everything within my grasp, leaving papers and books flying across the room in my wake. My frustration poured out of me like a heat wave, as my head throbbed from the rage. I finally heard the door slam shut, and my father walk in steaming, daring me to explain myself. "It was just a stupid fish! Who cares about some stupid fish! There are tons of other ones in that lake he could have all of those if he wanted to!" I yelled trying to make my dad understand something that I myself was losing faith in with every word I screamed. "Sit down" said my dad pouring himself some Bourbon in a glass full of ice, sighing softly. As he looked up he saw me as I stood rigid, still fuming. "Do I have to repeat myself?" he said raising his eyebrows, and then I finally met his blue eyed gaze and it pierced me; as I forced myself down onto the plush red seat. He nodded, and pulled up a chair right next to me, fixing himself so he could stare right into my soul. He peered down into his cup as if he could find the words he was searching for there, and satisfied with what he had found he slowly took a sip and set it down on the table looking up at me, "Son, I hope I don't have to explain to why what you did was wrong. I really do. Do you understand?" he said with his deep russet voice, as I stared blankly into my hands. "I know. I know I know I know. But why can't he just be normal?" I said with a pensive look on my face. "Why would you ever want him to be normal? You know what those fish mean to him. He doesn't see it as black and white as you do. It's important to him and no matter what you must always respect that" he said pausing to take another sip, the scent on his breath wavering over to me. "Never settle for normal. I can find a million other normal people out there and theyre no happier than the next one. This world doesn't need another normal person. It wants you to be you, and then itll do its part to find your place" he said softly, as I thought about what he said as the air was filled with the soft crashes of waves against the steel hull of the boat. "Now come on lets cheer up, there are plenty of more fishes out there, and Mom will be disappointed if we bring home nothing for supper" he said cheerfully rubbing the back of my head and picking me up, carrying me out to the sun's lazy gaze over the shadows filling the lake. 4th of July. I'd been waiting all summer for that day (though I tried not to show it, I was 12 now and Simon was just turning 10 in a couple of days), where the annual fireworks display

will be shown for the first time over Pearl Lake. Simon was buzzing up and down the house like a bee, eagerly awaiting the moment he could run out onto the lake and join his friends giggling in the midsummer breeze. The whole day I attempted to act as mature as I possibly could, calmly watching television and occasionally helping my mother with the chores. But when the afternoon sun finally shone through our glass kitchen windows I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I asked as sophisticatedly as I could when we would be leaving for the lake. She smiled back at me that same never changing smile and secretly spoke to me, "So today's the big day for you isn't it little man? Who is this lucky little lady?" with her face lit up with delight as she say the shock spread over my face as I stumbled for words. "I just happened to be up early this morning, and I couldn't help but watch you pick one of the roses off the bush and slip away into your room" she said careful not to let my brother or father hear as they would surely ridicule me. Realizing I'd been caught, I slowly averted my gaze whispering to my mother, "Her names Sally. I really really like her, and on Friday I had my friend Jimmy slip her a note asking her to meet me on top of the hill, so we could watch the fireworks together" I said reluctantly, though secretly glad she had asked. "Aww that sounds sweet. Did she say anything after that?" my mother said affectionately massaging my shoulder. "No, but I'm pretty sure she'll come. I mean why wouldnt she? Right. Do you think shell come?" I said apprehensively, as I'd been mulling over the scene all day in my head, her showing up, her not. "I'm sure she will. What girl would turn down my handsome little son? Now go upstairs and put on your nicest clothes and get ready, I'll finish the rest of the dishes" she said, hugging me and leading me out of the kitchen as I raced upstairs to bathe. When we finally arrived at the lake the sun was setting over the horizon, and it looked to be a breathtakingly clear summer night. As soon as Simon left sprinting out of the car, I walked slowly out by myself, not stopping to say hi to my friends as I was too nervous with my single rose pressed against my back. I had worn my best clothes, my black leather jacket over a plain white t-shirt and my best pair of jeans. As I slowly walked up the hill, my breath continually began rising and I had 20 thoughts going through my head telling me to turn around and walk back to the lake. But I stayed my course and arrived at the spot, a nice little space cozy enough for two people vacant now except for me; as I sat down and gazed out on the blue waves. Kids sat on the banks, splashing in the water and playing games with each other; blissfully unaware. What I would give to be with them, what I would do. But I couldn't because I felt trapped, I was expected to act responsible and grown up and with growing up I found my freedom in chains and I felt uncomfortable against the weight. As I gazed out towards the lake I didn't notice Sally slipping in beside me, looking out into the distance trying to meet my eyes. "Hi" she said awkwardly, looking at me smiling. "Hi... uh... you look nice day today" I said stumbling, suddenly blushing and at a loss for words. "Oh yeah thanks. What's that you got behind your back?" she said peering over my shoulders to try and get a glimpse. I slowly withdrew the rose, and the happily surprised look on her face regained my confidence steadily. "It's for you" I said, handing over the rose to her eager hands. As soon as she reached out and grabbed the flower, she withdrew and dropped it to the floor with a loud ouch. "Owwww there are thorns on it! Why would you have thorns on it!" she said angrily, looking down at her now bleeding finger, as the blood slowly dripped down. My face was flustered with

white in shock, as I slowly lifted her hurt finger and watched the blood trickle down onto my own clothes. "I... I thought that it needed the thorns... I mean. I could have cut them off. I should have. I thought about it. But buutt..." he gazed off into the distance and suddenly saw the words he had been looking for, "I thought that. Those thorns were just as important as the rose. I kept looking at that rose in the garden all summer, I watered that bush and took care of it all summer, I made sure it was perfect. And when I found it this morning, it was just so pretty. So beautiful. Nothing should be that beautiful. And then I saw the thorns. And I..." and then he reached down and pricked his own finger on the thorn and showed it to her, I couldnt believe it. And I just couldnt do it. I couldnt cut the thorns off" as I gazed into her eyes not knowing what had suddenly possessed me. "Ewww that's gross" she said, ripping her finger away from my hand and nursing it herself. "Thats pretty weird ya know? It's just a stupid thorn, you should have just cut them off" she said looking out onto the lake again. "Yeah... youre probably right. I think the fireworks are starting soon" I said looking down at the rose, disappointedly tossing it away over the hill. Soon the colors began flashing vibrantly across the sky, and I sat watching and listening to them crackle and blaze, and then fall down to the ominous lake. Sally sat wide eyed, oohing and ahhhing at the different patterns going off in the sky. Suddenly we were facing each other and I could see the sparks reflected in her eyes and I thought I could lose myself in them as we drew closer, close enough to feel her soft bubblegum breath blowing across my face as I inhaled it like a drug. I felt intoxicated with everything in my body screaming at me to kiss her, to pull her close to me and never let go. Yet the timid harshness of Simon's voice broke the hot silence and brought us both back to reality, as I turned, shocked to see Simon standing there quivering in the cold breeze. "Hi" he said waving to Sally, who felt so embarrassed that she pulled herself completely away from me. "Hey.... umm Jack I've got to go, I just remembered that my friend needs me. I'll see you later" as she hurriedly walked out of the undergrowth and down to the lake where the other kids were mesmerized by the bright flashes of light that were still blazing overhead. "I'm...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make her leave. I was just." Simon said stumbling through before I interrupted him. "You were just WHAT? What were you doing? What were you THINKING?" I screamed as I got up towering over my little brother. "I was just scared! That's all. Those other kids down there. They kept calling me a weirdo. They said I was stupid. I thought you could..." said Simon beginning to tear up. "No! You didn't think. You never think! You have to ruin everything for me! Just leave! JUST LEAVE!" I said as I pushed him into the grass, my anger building up, You are WEIRD! Youre my STUPID, WEIRD BROTHER! Simon fell to the ground and looked up at me with one last regretful before running up through the underbrush away from me and my heartbreak hill; for me to sit alone and gaze out on the unforgiving world and try to see the beauty underneath the many thorns. Later when I went back, I can never really remember what happened first. All I remember is the screams of my mother as she wailed for Simon into the trees, petrified blood curdling screams that have echoed in my ears since. My father burst into the trees at a sprint and ran up the hill as my mother ran to me and asked if I had seen him recently. I said no. The words froze me, as my heart seemed to paralyze in my chest. She shook me and asked me again and I

replied the same way; haunting me for the rest of my life. Then she ran off after my father, and I never felt she ever came back. Soon my knees gave way and I tumbled to the ground, as I threw up all over my best clothes. Parents rushed to help me as I lost control, and sweet silence filled me blissfully. The next few weeks faded completely away, as I moved in and out, Simon's body appearing on the shore of the lake in the next few days, the funeral soon following. My parents were slowly torn apart until there seams burst, my father's drinking problem raging out of control and my mother's cancer soon destroying everything else. I still remember the last time I spoke to my father; it was during his rare sober days out by the lake. He pulled me in close, and we both gazed out to the cliffs as he told me something I'd never forget. "Maybe Simon's the lucky one. Maybe he got to do what he always wanted to do. He got to be with the fishes. I can't imagine him any happier. I cant imagine it any other way" he said with a tears pouring down his face as he reached for a beer. Many years later, my father finally took the old fishing boat out for his last time, and he cast out his fishing pole and lay down and waited for his end. His boat washed up on shore a week later, as he had suffered a liver failure that had ended his life. Pearl Lake became a sewage dump, and its once clear blue waters were now green and polluted with trash. I sat there in the emergency room telling my story to the nearby nurse, who was now in tears, and as I looked around I saw that a small crowd had amassed and it was dead silent in my chambers. And in those final hours I looked out and remembered the fishes. And with that I saw a little boy with a tiny fish in his hand walk up to me and place it by my ear. "Can you hear him? Can you hear what he's saying?" said the little boy. "Yes. Yes I can. And it's beautiful" I said smiling.