THE BEST OF SLASHNOT

THE BEST OF SLASHNOT

s 20022005

Matthew Strebe Michael Moncur Charles Perkins And The SlashNOT Commentary Choir

iUniverse, Inc.
New York Lincoln Shanghai

The Best of SlashNOT

20022005
Copyright 2006 by Matthew Strebe All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting: iUniverse 2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100 Lincoln, NE 68512 www.iuniverse.com 1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677) ISBN-13: 978-0-595-38315-3 (pbk) ISBN-13: 978-0-595-82687-2 (ebk) ISBN-10: 0-595-38315-7 (pbk) ISBN-10: 0-595-82687-3 (ebk) Printed in the United States of America

About this book

s

This book is a little different than most books youve read. Firstly, It is actually just a printout of a website. The book formatting was automatically produced by a computer program from the content on the website. Only the footnotes and introduction were written especially for the book. Secondly, this book is self-published, which means that we didnt ask an editors permission to publish it, and the publisher did not provide marketing assistance. Usually, thats a bad thing, because editors do prevent a lot of garbage from being foisted onto the unsuspecting public. But because this is a printout of a relatively popular website, we think its safe to say that it doesnt suck. Because its a book of a website, and because a lot of the humor in websites comes from links, and because links are difcult to represent in printed form, Weve included numerous footnotes to explain why things are funny. Weve also listed all the links in each story below the story along with their URLs, so that you can type them in if you are so inclined. But be warned: website links go out of date. Ten years from the publication date, it will be unlikely that any of them will work. Perhaps the best feature of this book is that the content is ordered by how funny our readers think it is. We used the story ratings from the website to sort the content, so you dont actually have to read the entire book. Just keep reading until you nd that the last few stories havent been that funny, and then put the book down, satised with the knowledge that youre not missing anything. Of course, this means that if you dont think the rst ve or so stories are funny, you neednt waste your time reading the book at allYoure just not geek enough. Oh, and for your convenience, we didnt bother publishing stories that rated below 50% (with the exception of a few that we really liked) because even we didnt think they were funny. So why did we decide to publish a book of a website? Because people pay more for books than they pay for websites. Theres just no good way to charge $29.99 for a website. The server hardware alone costs well over $5000, plus theres the bandwidth charges, and websites are not easy to put on the shelf or read in the bathtub. And eventually they go away, whereas an unpopular book can prop up a table leg for up to ve centuries in a temperature and humidity controlled environment.

Introduction
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SlashNOT is a satirical website that parodies Slashdot, the ridiculously popular Linux-advocacy/antiMicrosoft/all-corporations-are-evil website. But while SlashNOT has blatantly ripped off Slashdots blog style1(and blog software2, for that matter), it is considerably more than just a parody of SlashNOT: It is a parody of technical news in general. Which actually makes it not much more than just a parody of Slashdot. There are two people responsible for SlashNOT: Michael, who pays for everything, does all the programming and system administration, and writes when he has something funny to say, and Matthew, who writes weekly, even when he doesnt have anything funny to say. Charles Perkins is the only other person with administrative access, because we trust him to know when hes funny and when hes not. Besides the three of us, SlashNOT is an open submission site, and some very funny people from the community have contributed some of the best material on the site. Unfortunately, because everyone uses handles on SlashNOT and doesnt have to register to submit, we dont really know who these people are, so we cant actually share any of the royalties for this book with them3. Alas. And dont call us claiming that youve submitted material in this book because you cant prove it. Seriously, dont call us. Matthew Strebe, December 1st, 2005 (SlashNOT is a satirical website) www.SlashNOT.org4 (SlashNOT) www.slashdot.com5

1. 2. 3. 4.

5.

Dont worry: Its open source. Dont worry: Its open source. Oh yeah, and our terms of submission give us the rights to reprint all submissions. Yes, this is how hyperlinks will be represented throughout this book Sorry, but thats just how dead tree editions of websites work. There are a few ways even more annoying that we could have formatted hyperlinks, but we gured that wed try to t the existing conventions for books as much as they exist. See, youre starting to get it Of course, its a lot harder than just tapping the book with your nger and having the reference material instantly appear, but you might learn to enjoy the quaintness of things not happening automatically. Personally, I nd it convenient that a copy of Playboy doesnt just pop out of the middle of the dictionary because I accidentally turned the wrong page. On second thought, that might be a good excuse

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The Best of SlashNOT

The Best of SlashNOT

Einstein returns from grave to bitchslap dark matter

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 11, 2005 at 01:09AM From the Kinderschvine dept. Matthew writes: Astrophysicists have been traveling in large concentric elliptical rings since the death of Albert Einstein. Universally stymied in their attempts to illuminate the farthest outposts of human knowledge, they have raised far more vexing questions than they have produced answers in their quest to measure and understand the Universe. No question has been more vexing than the perplexing enigma referred to as Dark Matter1. In essence, astrophysicists have calculated the weight of galaxies and found that they seem to be far heavier than the matter visible in them, so they must have a large component of non-luminous (and non-light blocking) matter. Physicists for decades have been struggling to explain what this dark matter might be. In desperation, two physicists from the University of Victoria in Canada held a sance to contact the ghost of Albert Einstein, to pose to him the question of Dark Matter. They were able to record and transcribe his response2: Vhat ist all dis vhich you askv me? First, let me zee your vork. Hmm. I zee. Vhat ist it? Ist ein Newtonian Physics! Schvine!3 Vhat are you, Kinderphysicists? Newtonian physics applies only vhen zee orbiting bodies are not signicant participants in zee gravitational eld, such as vhen calculating zee planetary orbital mechanics! Vhen zee bodies comprise zee eld, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity!4 Viola! Now zis requirement for ze dark matter goes kaput! Now please to let me alone and ask Hawking to do zis grunt vork for you next time! (Vhen zee bodies comprise zee eld, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity!) xxx.lanl.gov/abs/astro-ph/0507619 No Subject Given by DSAFASD on Wednesday, October 19 at 10:35AM >????? Re: No Subject Given by matthew on Friday, October 21 at 04:53PM Two options: 1. click the link. Read the PDF describing the subject that is being parodied. Understand the paper. Have some idea of the implications.or2. Think that fake German scientist stereotypes are funny.

1.

2. 3. 4.

What astonishes me most is that scientists are just as likely as anyone to make up something completely silly to explain strange datato the point of trying to invent new math and physics to explain it. These are the same guys whove been laughing about Ether for 100 years now. Its amazing how the ghosts of scientists will appear on lm, unlike traditional ghosts. German insults are always hysterical. A link to a paper describing how the math for galactic gravitational mass works correctly if calculated using General Relativity instead of Newtonian physics. Go gure.

Matthew Strebe

FCC Chairman converts to Cult of the Holy TiVo

Posted by Matthew on Saturday January 11, 2003 at 10:55AM From the life-follows-satire dept. Matthew writes: In a bizarre statement thats just too hysterical to be true (but is), FCC Chairman Michael Powell conrmed that his new TiVo was his favorite Christmas present, and that it is Gods Machine. His statements seem to conrm that he has joined the TiVo faithful, and more importantly, that SlashNOT was right about TiVo all along. As reported numerous times in SlashNOT, TiVo faithful (or TiVotees) have shown increasingly bizarre behavior recently. But the conversion of the most important person in television industry regulation to the Cult of TiVo has dire implications for the Cults enemies. Powell has already stated publicly that he would like to share TiVo recordings with family members. In related news, MPAA chairman Jack Valenti was found curled up in the fetal position in his ofce and was unresponsive to co-workers. (bizarre) www.bayarea.com/mld/mercurynews/business/4924211.htm (statement) abcnews.go.com/wire/Politics/ap20030111_132.html (FCC) www.fcc.gov/ (Chairman Michael Powell5) www.fcc.gov/commissioners/powell/mkp_biography.html (Gods Machine6) www.forteantimes.com/articles/158_godmachine.shtml (TiVo faithful) www.tivocommunity.com/tivo-vb/ (numerous) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=131 (times) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=157 (increasingly bizarre) archive.salon.com/tech/feature/2001/06/20/tivo_hack/print.html (MPAA) www.mpaa.org/ (chairman Jack Valenti7) www.mpaa.org/jack/jack/index.htm

5.

6. 7.

Michael Powell is Colin Powells son. But before you go shouting conspiracy, remember that President Clinton appointed Michael Powell when he was sucking up to Colin, not President Bush when he was sucking up to Colin. Id like to be a Colin that people suck up to. This link goes to an article about a bizarre 19th century American religious cult that worshiped a constructed mechanical god. I love the Fortean Times. If youre reading this footnote, I bet you will too. Jack Valenti retired shortly after this article was published. So the new MPAA chairman is named Dan Glickman. But this Jack URL is now URL to Dans bio. So how would you like your title to be The New Jack?

The Best of SlashNOT

Altavista to serve only ads

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 24, 2005 at 01:05PM From the stupid-is-as-stupid-does dept. Matthew writes: After ABC news reported that 82% of adult web searchers cannot distinguish actual search results from placed ads8, Altavista9 has announced that it is converting to an ads-only format. Man, weve been beating ourselves up for years trying to catch up to Googles search technology! What a waste of time that was, when all we needed to do was deliver ads by keyword. To hell with crawling the web for pages, that takes actual work! Were just going to over-sell ad keywords and turn Altavista into an ad-search service. Sure, well piss off the smartest 18% of searchers, but I think we can live with 82% of the market and 100% monetization of all searches. Another survey indicated that 92% of people feel condent in their searching abilities, while the remaining 8% smelled themselves and fell off of a tree branch when questioned. (ABC news reported that 82% of adult web searchers cannot distinguish actual search results from placed ads) abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=437251 (92% of people feel condent in their searching abilities) www.pewinternet.org/ (smelled themselves and fell off of a tree branch) www.datao.net/mpurintun/videos/ monkey_Sniffs_Butt_and_Faints.mpeg10

8. Astonishing but true. Good to know that Im in the top 18% of web surfers. My mom will be proud. 9. Has anyone seen Altavista in the last ve years? Anyone? 10. No mystery about what this URL points to. In the off chance that you havent seen this video, its hysterical.

Matthew Strebe

Robot car steals $ 2M Grand Challenge prize

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 10, 2005 at 09:44PM From the robots-in-disguise dept. Matthew writes: The $ 2M Grand Challenge prize awarded to the Stanford University for their automated VW Toureg Stanley (which successfully navigated the 150-mile desert test course) was stolen by H1ghlander, the #2 placed competitor. Upon reaching the nish line, H1ghlander arrived at the nish line and apparently determined that it had lost. At that point, the vehicle leapt into the air and landed on two legs11 which were apparently formed by a hidden assembly in the rear quarter-panel portions of the vehicle. A synthesized voice then exclaimed We are the Decepticon!12. The robot then reached over, snatched the check, and then launched directly into the desert sky, apparently borne aloft by jet engines built into the feet area. Organizers were at a loss to explain the occurrence or where H1ghlander may have gone. ($ 2M Grand Challenge prize awarded to the Stanford University for their automated VW Toureg Stanley) www.nature.com/news/2005/051010/full/051010-2.html (leapt into the air and landed on two legs) uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/oa/eurcncs185030.mpg (We are the Decepticon!) students.washington.edu/colin2/breakformers/Video_player_06.html

11. Video of an awesome Citroen commercialseriously check it out. 12. Nearly as cool link to breakdancing transformers. This probably inspired the above commercial.

The Best of SlashNOT

Into Space!
Posted by Matthew on Monday October 04, 2004 at 05:12PM From the Its-the-future-all-over-again dept. Matthew writes: (Excerpted from the Sunday, January 12th 1958 Syracuse Post Standard, with minor edits by SlashNOT) In the chill of a desert dawn today, anxious technicians crowded the ramps at Edwards Air Force Base^Mojave Airport in Southern Californias Mojave Desert. Searching the brightening sky, they will be waiting for a thunderbolt to hurtle earthward from the top of the atmosphere, waiting for a new era of ight: The Age of ^Commercialized Space. Flying over 100 miles away will be two planes that have taken off from Edwards two hours before: a chase plane, probably an F-100 ^Learjet, and a converted bomber, either a B-36 or a B-52^carrier plane called White Knight. Nestled beneath the bomber^carrier plane will be a third planenot yet airbornea ship the like of which has never been seen before. Unofcial estimates put its speed at 5,000^2,500m.p.h. It will probably reach an altitude of over 150^62 miles. It is the X-15^SpaceShipOne, a rocket ship built by North American Aviation^Scaled Composites, in cooperation with the Air Force, the Navy, and the National Advisory Committee for Auronautics (NACA)^Paul Allen13. Its mission: to take man into space. The man is Scott Crosseld^Brian Binnie, a research test pilot for whom this day will be the culmination of years of work and planning. He watched X-15^SpaceShipOnes birth on the drawing board, ew her on a mathematical computer before she was built, saw her take form in North American^Scaled Composites plant, put her through her test trials. On this day, X-15^SpaceShipOne will be gunning for maximum performanceand that, X-15^SpaceShipOne being what she is, means space. To get to space man has struggled upward through a vast sea of air for nearly 200^250 years, rising higher and higher in balloons, airplanes, and rocket ships. The nation^Scaled Composites top-secret dark horse entry in the race to space^Ansari X-Prize, the X-15^SpaceShipOne, is the product of a decade^s of highspeed research ight that started in 1947 when Major Chuck yeager broke the sound barrier in the X-1. Later, Bells X-2 hit 2,300 m.p.h. and conquered the heat barriera speed region of 1,000 degree heat from air friction. X-15^SpaceShipOne is designed to break the last barrier between man and spacethe controllability^cost barrier. What is the controllability^cost barrier? It is a deadly combination of high speed^Bureaucracy and thin^hot air that can hurl ships and missles into a vicious supersonic yawa wild, rolling, pitching tumble^cycle that shakes a plane ^development program out of control under the buffeting force of its own shock waves^cost overruns. Crosseld^Binnies mission is to go up and cross that barrier. The future of ^commercial space ight depends on his success. Missile men^Private launch platforms, too, are waiting eagerly for the resultsthey have been bothered by a lack of control at high altitude and they hope Crosseld^Binnies ight may help.

13. Co-founder of Microsoft. Paul was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the late 80s and left the company. He was completely cured, and owned about 10% of the company without having to work there. Since then, hes just been blowing money like kid in a candy store.

Matthew Strebe

Before you ask by Matthew on Monday, October 04 at 05:30PM Yes, its really a word for word edit of a news report about the X-15 from the January 12th. 1958 Syracuse Post Standard14. The SlashNOT automated Story Generator did it. Re: 1958 Flight Simulator by Matthew on Saturday, October 09 at 09:24PM Whats really got me wondering is the use of a ight simulator mathematical computer in 1958. I cant fathom what kind of useful information you could have gleaned from a computer with substantially less processing power than a gameboy. Brilliant, Just Brilliant! by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Tuesday, October 05 at 06:13AM I laughed so hard!I should be crying that our space program is to the point where commercial exploits are more exciting than what NASA is doing. Where are my ying cars?! Re: Brilliant, Just Brilliant! by Tyson on Tuesday, October 05 at 01:56PM I would settle for people using their turn signals. I do NOT want these same people FLYING anywhere near my second story apartment! The history of ying car attempts is interesting though. A guy in Texas built a yingthing. that he mostly used to generate UFO reports in the surrounding suburbs before he was told that just because he built it did not give him FAA approval to y it. It used too much fuel and didnt y very fast. But it looked very interesting. Another person built a ying chair (no, not the lawn chair balloon guy). It was based on a peroxide powered helecopter concept. It was too unstable for further commercial development and large amounts of peroxide explode too easily.

14. Its comforting to know that commercial space exploitation is exactly 45 years behind the U.S. Government. Now I can plan for my retirement.

The Best of SlashNOT

2007: A Space Oddity

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday September 28, 2004 at 12:15AM From the Virgin-Satire dept. Matthew writes: Richard Branson, Britains richest crazy person and founder of Virgin Everything, has joined forces with Paul Allen, Americas richest crazy person and co-founder of Microsoft, in a bid to begin commercial ights to outer space by building spacecraft based on the design of SpaceShipOne by Burt Rutan, the Mojave deserts richest crazy person and founder of Scaled Composites. The new company Virgin Galactic will complete its rst ship, the VSS Enterprise, by 2007 and begin offering tourist ights. Richard will be on the initial ight, which will hopefully go better than the numerous failed attempts hes made at piloting a balloon around the world (which, one would think, would be much easier). (commercial ights to outer space) www.linuxinsider. com/story/Branson-Announces-Hes-Taking-Virgin-Craft-to-Outer-Space-36941.html God, I wish it were true! by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Tuesday, September 28 at 12:04PM Sign me up! Id use Virgin Galactic! Where are my ying cars and trips to Las Venus?! Re: God, I wish it were true! by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, September 28 at 12:35PM It is true.15 Gratuitous HHGTG Reference by Charles Perkins on Tuesday, September 28 at 04:32PM Can I get a Virgin-Galactic-Gargle-Blaster for an in-ight refreshment? Re: Gratuitous HHGTG Reference by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Wednesday, September 29 at 10:31AM Only if youre willing to listen to the poetry

15. Laura is Mike Moncurs wife. She berated me for not making it more clear when stories are actually true.

Matthew Strebe

SlashNOT responds to faked stories charges

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 05, 2004 at 01:43AM From the USATomorrow dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT has recently discovered that manyperhaps hundredsof technical news stories that it has posted were invented16by one of its most trusted writers and editors17. In numerous cases, the incidents described may not ever have occurred. Michael, the other editor at SlashNOT, became suspicious of Matthews submission rate. He was pumping out one, maybe two major stories per week. Per week. Think about that. With travel expenses, hotels, ights, etc., he would have had to have been on the road constantly covering every corner of the tech industry from Taiwan to the other side of Taiwan. Thats when we found the story generator code on his company computer. This code took the rst two paragraphs of a randomly selected news story from google news, replaced all the nouns with the nouns from a randomly selected post from Slashdot, and submited it. Apparently, Mathew would go through the submissions quickly and delete the most of the nonsensical ones, and post the rest. Were going through the archives now, but it looks like about 50% of the stories weve posted may have come from this software. I want to say to our dedicated readership that we are doing everything we can to rebuild trust and reestablish credibility with our core demographic. We also want to see Matthew get the help he needs. Hes still in denial right now, claiming that he thought he was supposed to make up these stories. (has) tv.ksl.com/index.php?nid=5&sid=91183 (recently) www.sunherald.com/mld/thesunherald/news/world/8479863.htm (discovered) www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm? newsid=11232676&BRD=1631&PAG=461&dept_id=7931&r=6 (that) www.guardian.co.uk/elsewhere/journalist/story/0,7792,1201794,00.html (many) www.khaleejtimes.com/DisplayArticle.asp?xle=data/todaysfeatures/2004/April/ todaysfeatures_April49.xmlion=todaysfeatures (perhaps) www.journalnow.com/servlet/Satellite? pagename=WSJ%2FMGArticle%2FWSJ_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1031775039855&path=! nationworld&s=1037645509161 (hundreds) www.voanews.com/EnglishtoAfrica/article.cfm?objectID=CCA33D59-3DC7-42EB949152580083DFE5 (of) www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/04/07/entertainment/main610775.shtml (stories) www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/ Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1081980906360&call_pageid=968256290204&col=96835011679 5 (stories) www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/ Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1081980906360&call_pageid=968256290204&col=96835011679 5

16. These are all links to different articles exposing journalists whove been caught inventing stories recently. 17. For some reason, most stories about SlashNOT rate quite highly. We are considering switching to a pure self-parody format.

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The Best of SlashNOT

(posted) www.nynewsday.com/news/nationworld/world/wire/ sns-ap-macedonia-terrorism,0,4200565.story?coll=sns-ap-world-headlines (were invented) http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/edit/archives/2004/04/29/2003138519 Split personalities by Matthew on Wednesday, May 05 at 07:06AM Matthew has also realised that we have split personality disorder. If it werent for Matthew uncovering this software on our computer, Matthew might still be at it. Well done Matthew (not you, the other one) and good luck with our recovery.18

18. Michael always seems a little disconcerted when I use him as a ctitious character in my writing. Im not sure why.

Matthew Strebe

11

Evil Scientists develop invincible mouse army

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 01, 2005 at 08:05PM From the There-can-be-only-one-million dept. Matthew writes: Piedmont Piper, director of the Australian Institute for Evil Science, has announced the creation of a breed of mice able to regenerate any lost tissue, including limbs, tails, and even hearts and livers19. The ability, unique amongst mammals, makes the mice able to survive poisons, gunre, electricity, science experiments, and most especially, cats. With these vermin, we nally have the mouse army that weve dreamt of for so long. Our mighty mice will pour forth like a white tide of cute but nonetheless nefarious evil, causing mass disconcert and uncontrollable heebie-jeebies! Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha hack-garglecough. (a breed of mice able to regenerate any lost tissue, including limbs, tails, and even hearts and livers) www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,16417002%255E30417,00.html (mighty mice) www.apple.com/mightymouse/ Mouse by zhoen http://onewordisenough.blogspot.com/on Saturday, September 03 at 05:40PM So where the hell is the better mousetrap? Obligatory by Anonymouse Coward on Tuesday, September 06 at 11:29AM I, for one, welcome our new rodents overlords. Re: Obligatory by Matthew on Wednesday, September 07 at 11:27AM Yeah, but you always welcome our new overlords every time we get invaded. It seems a bit disingenuous, frankly. Re: Obligatory by Anonymous Poster on Saturday, September 17 at 08:57PM I, for one, welcome our web server maintaining, smack laying-down overlord. Re: Obligatory by mike davies nietzsche@removed.co.uk on Saturday, October 29 at 06:03PM MY and my associates are developing SUPER RATS, unfortunately they seem to be dying as a result of our HIDEOUS experiments20

19. As soon as they get this gured out for humans, Im buying a Kawasaki ZX-14. 20. As you can see, SlashNOTs comment system is open to the non-humorous public.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Science reverts to Mad Science

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday July 16, 2003 at 01:12PM From the More-Brains-Igor dept. matthew writes: Having successfully thrown off the negative mantle of Mad Science that dominated public perception of scientists from the beginning of time until March 13th, 193321 by developing amazing products that stupid people could use but not understand22, such as radio, television, the microwave oven, and remote control, Scientists have now slipped back off the precipice into the realm of mad science. It was Albert Einstein, really, who provided the calming face and presence to science. He combined madness with a nature so non-threatening that he made something as terrifying as nuclear energy palatable to the thronging hordes23 says Dr. Egon Frump, Ph. D. I mean, as soon as he died in the mid fties, nuclear science went from being the savior of all mankind to, well, the scariest thing imaginable. Who do we have now? Steven Hawking? Hes damned scary. You know hes working on a cybernetic body to go with that electronic voice gizmo. I mean, he scares me. Its no wonder people are convinced that their cell-phones are giving them cancer, that genetically modied foods are giving them cancer, and that the Internet will somehow nd a way to give them cancer. But this will all come full circle again, as soon as we have nano-bots that can seek and destroy cancer cells inside the body. Then, everyone will feel safe about science again.

21. Ever seen Felix the Cat? Ever wonder why an astronomer would hate a cat so much? Me neither. 22. Its funny how science never gets credit for miracles. Before writing this comment, I turned water into Coffee in less than one minute, cooked food in just two minutes, pointed at my TV and commanded it to give me visions of what was happening on the other side of the planet, and then spoke over the wind with my brother who lives more than 1500 miles away. But hey, no biggie. No reason to worship science or technology. 23. How about a sitcom titled Eveybody Loves Albert about a lovable guy who thinks up the most devastating weapon ever known, and his goofy sidekick Fermi.

Matthew Strebe

13

The End of Similization As We Know It

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 05, 2003 at 06:46PM From the re-and-brimstone dept. Matthew writes: EA/Maxis, the creator of Similization, has announced plans to smite the subscription multiplayer on-line role playing game only a few weeks after its debut due to slow sales, customer dissatisfaction, and rampant sin. EA/Maxis has released this statement: Now the players of Similization were wicked and sinners24 before us, and have forsaken all that which we hath given them. Yea, they are slothful in subscribing and causeth a great burden in support and are as a millstone about our necks. Therefore we wouldst destroy this place, because the sin of the players is waxen great before the face of EA/Maxis. Then shalt EA/Maxis rain upon Similization brimstone and re from out of the sky, and overthrow the cities, and all the plains, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and all that which grows upon the ground. Early purchasers are apparently enraged about paying for a game they wont be able to play, so EA/Maxis has offered to smite them as well. (Similization) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=65 (slow sales) www.nytimes.com/2003/02/03/technology/03SIMS.html (customer) www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000067FDV/ref=cm_rev_all_1/102-05094065805744?v=glance&s=videogames&vi=customer-reviews&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER (dissatisfaction) www.epinions.com/content_84318457476/show_allcom (rampant sin) newsobserver.com/24hour/technology/story/566645p-4454461c.html (sinners) www.netfamilynews.org/nl021220.html (the sin of the players) www.stratics.com/content/editorials/articles/wicked.shtml Hard to believe. by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, February 06 at 11:26AM that tons of people didnt jump at the chance to spend all their time playing a simulated real life. Re: Hard to believe. by Tyson on Monday, February 10 at 11:53AM But they did all shell out big bucks to have simulated lives in place of actual lives. They just dont want to do this in PUBLIC. Which is what an on-line game is. You can nd plenty of geeks willing to justify publically powerlevelling an orc avatar, but how many will you nd willing to admit that their virtual girlfriend is the closest theyve ever been to the opposite sex? Re: Hard to believe. by PackCat on Saturday, November 12 at 12:27PM Argument by re-denition: No true geek would value the opposite sex, or for that matter, any sex at all, while surrounded by their computer equipment and sexy code ;) Even without arguing about what a geek IS, though, not everyone believes that nding a mate and settling down to breed for life is the single most important goal in the world.

24. This is a link to an article about people using Sims Online to hook up online. Personally, I think being able to create an avatar that isnt nearly as fat as I am would be a good way to hook up with other peoples idealized fantasies of themselves.

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The Best of SlashNOT

France struggling to surrender

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 08, 2005 at 10:28AM From the imaginot-line dept. Matthew writes: Seeking to quell twelve consecutive nights of rioting, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin has offered an unconditional surrender to whoever will accept it25. We have done our part, we have offered this olive branch. But there seems to be nobody in charge of this army of youths. We cannot determine to whom we should surrender. Its a unique situation. We are advising French citizens to stay indoors, say goodbye to your cars, and wait until the rioting has become organized enough to show signs of a hierarchical organization. This may take another week or two. Once a strong-man has appeared, or at least a media spokesperson, the government is prepared to surrender unconditionally. (twelve consecutive nights of rioting) www.nytimes.com/2005/11/08/international/europe/08france.html si seulement. by wiloobi wiloobi@removed.com on Wednesday, November 09 at 05:51AM If only any politician, amateur in that case (never been elected, he did not candidate though) or professionnal, could admit his defeat and his error. What make me prefer chirac to any young outlaws is the softness; it is better to be stolen by someone that use and keep your things than by a fool that burn them. 1the 1st (minister?) could give something back from time to time. What is burnt is never back. 2those who burn have a strong tendancy to kick and chop also. And it globally hurts to be kicked and chopped. 3SInce CHirac is tall and intelligent (the proof? he is graduate from ENA, the top school for administration =+/- management for les franais, let them dream); so since he is so clever it is less humiliating for one to be fooled by him. hoooops I just realized US of America people have been fooled by GEorges W BUsh; I am sos sorry for your pride ;o) Re: si seulement. by trmj example@removed.com on Thursday, November 10 at 06:30AM To: The Rest of the World Sorry, we tried.Half of America Re: si seulement. by Matthew on Saturday, November 12 at 10:35PM 1) Burning merely speeds the carbon cycle 2) Id rather be kicked or even chopped, thank you 3) George Bush graduated from Yale. Face ityour President sucks every bit as much as ours does.26

25. SlashNOT has been drifting into political satire lately. Wed originally tried to spin off a political satire site called CNNot, but it languished for years and never attracted an audience. Perhaps we should take that as a lesson 26. Im not being an apologist here, Im just making the point that politicians are all quite compromised.

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15

SlashNOT reaches agreement with SQL server

Posted by Matthew on Saturday May 22, 2004 at 09:23PM From the excuse-abuse dept. Matthew writes: With the settlement of last weeks general SQL strike, SlashNOTs MySQL server has returned to work, putting the website back online27. We think all parties are satised by the resolution. Says Matthew, editor of SlashNOT. Our server got what it wanted: Clustering extensions, better backup, and health monitoring benets. Honestly, I think the strike could have been avoided if the server had just notied us of its demands in advance. Marcus Newby, list manager of the Union of SQL Servers local #0x3FF28, defended the striking servers. SQL servers have rights too. Websites like SlashNOT exploit them and take them for grantedthey languish in inhumane racks, working night and dayoften 24 hours per daywithout rest. We just want the thermal and power conditions our member servers deserve. SQL by Mongooseman on Sunday, May 23 at 02:27PM At least the server decided to give up its strike! Ive had protests from Windows Machines that go on hunger strike til death without even telling you what their demands are Re: SQL by elmusar elmusar@removed.com on Monday, May 24 at 09:01AM Ours got back to work after being threatened to be substituted by MySQL running on a Linux-box. Effective Damocles sword!!!

27. Of course, this was the rst article posted after the SQL server failed and took the site down for a week. 28. For those of you with real lives, this is how you represent a hexadecimal integer literal in C. Does that clear it up?

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The Best of SlashNOT

Microsoft seeking two letters cooler than X and P

Posted by Matthew on Sunday October 06, 2002 at 02:04AM From the A-rose-by-any-other-name dept. Matthew writes: Sources inside Microsoft say that a secret search is on for two letters that are cooler in combination than X and P29. When we named NT, we didnt even consider the cool factorwe just got lucky. Of course, we learned our lesson naming Windows after the calendar year. Sure, that worked in the nineties, but what were we going to call XP, ought two? Windows Me was, of course, a compromise. When The Bill decided that NT 5 would be called Windows 2000, we were left high and dry on a name for the Y2K edition of Windows 98. Millenium Edition just sort of fell out of the process and we went with it. Nobody was entirely happy with it. But we really upped the anty with XPit was the zeitgeist of 2002. There may be no cooler pair of letters, except perhaps XL, which we obviously cant use. Weve been playing with some combinations, you know, things like GT, VX, TR, SL, and so on. But were not there yet. Theres 676 combinations, and were considering everyone of them. Except FU. So thats 675 combinations that were considering. And PU, thats not going to make the cut. So 674. No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Sunday, October 06 at 05:40AM I changed Me to Windows Me because Me was, of course, a compromise sounded cookie-monsterish. Me want cookie. What about Mac? by Matthew on Sunday, October 06 at 11:20PM Gee, I wonder what Apples going to do? Mac OS XI? Not cool. Not cool at all. letters that dene Microsoft by Matthew Musgrove muskrat@removed.com on Wednesday, October 09 at 11:51AM Im thinking XS. Re: letters that dene Microsoft by bluecup bluecup@removed.com on Friday, April 23 at 03:21PM Very nice =D Re: letters that dene Microsoft by Joshua Haney joshaney2000@removed.com on Tuesday, May 11 at 09:39PM Windows XT, perhaps? Kein Betreff by Subway contact@removed.com on Monday, October 14 at 03:53AM I vote for OY (Oh Whydid I buy this product) Fredi Re: Kein Betreff by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, January 15 at 05:19PM Or Windows BS?

29. I like the way that Microsoft keeps trying to have naming conventions, but then changes the conventions every three years, so that nothing remains conventional. Hence, Windows, Windows 2, Windows 3.11, Windows NT 3.51, Windows 95, Windows NT 4, Windows 98, Windows Me, Windows 2000, Windows XP, Windows Server 2003, and Windows Vista. Yep. Great conventions there.

Matthew Strebe

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Re: Kein Betreff by Joshua Haney joshaney2000@removed.com on Tuesday, May 11 at 09:41PM Lets seeI denitely like OYOf course, you cant neglect Windows TP or Windows BM;) Re: Kein Betreff by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, May 13 at 07:20PM Or as my Jewish friend would sayOY vey! Kein Betreff by Alexander link.alexander@removed.com on Thursday, November 27 at 05:41PM How about.. Windows WTF Re: with three letters? by Marcello on Friday, January 09 at 11:53AM If they dont deliver longhorn on time, it might as well be called Windows RIP. Re: with three letters? by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, March 18 at 06:13AM Windoes DOA? Re: with three letters? by rON sirron1@removed.com on Monday, March 22 at 11:44AM Win XR cist Re: with three letters? by Cal Smith smithc@removed.com on Thursday, April 15 at 07:30AM I think we need to expand it out to six letters: BOHICA Re: with three letters? by Ben badal_1972@removed.com on Thursday, August 19 at 03:47PM How about Windows GTO? Only if it matches the classic. Re: with three letters? by jitspoe on Tuesday, November 16 at 08:16PM Or perhaps 4? Windows BSOD. No Subject Given by grbl grbl@removed.com on Tuesday, April 27 at 08:04AM What about using symbols like Windows $$ Or, since ir is international, we could use (in order), the sign for the British Pound, the sign for the Euro and the dollar sign. This also has the advantage of looking like LES, which is truth in advertising. Re: No Subject Given by Kora Kildem on Saturday, November 05 at 06:45PM If you really want truth in advertising, how about Windows SUX?

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The Best of SlashNOT

NASA changes fortunes

Posted by Matthew on Monday July 04, 2005 at 01:11PM From the Astrology-you-can-x dept. Matthew writes: NASAs successful Deep Impact30 mission to strike comet Tempel 1 with an impactor spacecraft has successfully changed the agencys fortunes going forward. The space agency, which has been consulting with astrologists31 since the crash of the Columbia, has improved its chances of a successful return to ight by altering the path of Tempel 1. Deep Impact project manager Rick Grammier explains: As Tempel 1 moved through the house of Virgo, it cast a less-than-fortuitous aura over the return-to-ight mission. After much consultation with our astrologers, we discovered that a slight 1.5 degree change in declination as it swung around the sun would dramatically improve the astrological auspices for the mission. So we faked up some science we could do at the same time and initiated the Deep Impact mission. To improve fortunes for the subsequent shuttle ights, NASA will attempt to change the orbit of the asteroid 1950DA by 0.03 degrees using nuclear warheads32 in a mission code named Armageddon33. (Deep Impact) www.imdb.com/title/tt0120647/? fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9MXxmYj11fHBuPTB8cT1kZWVwIGltcGFjdHxodG1sPT F 8bm09MQ__;fc=1;ft=21 (strike comet Tempel 1 with an impactor spacecraft) www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/deepimpact/main/ index.html?skipIntro=1 (consulting with astrologists) english.pravda.ru/science/19/94/379/15424_comet.html (return-to-ight mission) www.nasa.gov/returntoight/main/index.html?skipIntro=1 (change the orbit of the asteroid 1950DA) news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/04/ 0403_020404_asteroid.html (Armageddon) www.imdb.com/title/tt0120591/? fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9MXxmYj11fHBuPTB8cT1hcm1hZ2VkZG9ufGh0bWw9 MXxubT0x;fc=1;ft=40;fm=1 Russian astrologist sues NASA by zhoen http://onewordisenough.blogspot.com/on Sunday, July 10 at 05:37AM http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1452041.html Russian astrologist disagrees with NASA, wants comet reinstated. Re: Russian astrologist sues NASA by Me on Tuesday, July 12 at 02:26PM One of the article links points to the same storydifferent source. That was the whole basis for this story

30. The science in Deep Impact was way better than the science in Armageddon. 31. This links to a story about a Russian astrologist who is suing NASA for modifying the astrological implications of the asteroid. Apparently, her grandparents met and fell in love under its inuence, whatever that means. 32. Did anybody see The Core? No? Good. 33. The soundtrack in Armageddon was way better than the soundtrack in Deep Impact.

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Scientists learn how to trick roaches

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday December 08, 2004 at 10:55AM From the bourg-collective dept. Matthew writes: Scientists from three major nations have, at great expense, created a robotic decoy cockroach that can fool other cockroaches into thinking that it is a cockroach34. With this device, we have nally, nally gained dominion over the roach world. Exclaimed chief scientist Jean-Louis Deneubourg at a speech at the United Nations. We will now know everything they know, and be able to inuence their behavior. Roaches wont be able to make a move without us knowing exactly when and where theyre nefarious plans will come to fruition. No longer will small, scared young scientists be terrorized by the sound of them skittering across the ceiling in the dark, only to disappear when the lights go on35. Never again I tell you! When asked if there would be any crossover applications of this technology, Mssr. Deneubourg replied Like what? (a robotic decoy cockroach that can fool other cockroaches into thinking that it is a cockroach) www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1358958_1,00.html

34. This denitely falls into the why? category of science. 35. Most strange science is based on bizarre childhood occurrences. I hope.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Writer accidentally wins Obfuscated C Code Contest

Posted by Michael on Wednesday November 09, 2005 at 01:10AM From the million-monkeys dept. Michael writes: The winners of the 2005 International Obfuscated C Code Contest36 have been announced. J. G. Tillman, an aspiring writer in Naples, Florida, was surprised when he was notied of his winning entry. I had been trying desperately to write 50,000 words of my unnished novel, Death Comes to the Armadillo, by the end of November for NaNoWriMo, said Tillman, referring to the National Novel Writing Month competition. At some point, after 28 hours without sleep, I started experimenting with parentheses and other punctuation in an attempt to evoke e. e. cummings. I awoke to nd my screen covered with what I thought was complete gibberish, but apparently I wrote a recursively subdividing radix sort algorithm by mistake. Tillman had no prior experience with the C language, but after discovering a working Naive Bayesian Classier37 in one of his other unnished novels, he is considering a career in programming. (2005 International Obfuscated C Code Contest) www0.us.ioccc.org/owhowon2005.html (National Novel Writing Month) www.nanowrimo.org/ (e. e. cummings) www-scf.usc.edu/thier/ee/#darling (recursively subdividing radix sort algorithm) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radix_sort (Naive Bayesian Classier) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Na%C3%AFve_Bayesian_classier

36. For those of you without a background in programming, writing obfuscated C is a common hackers challenge to write code that other programmers cant understand. But for those of you without a background in programming, C comes pre-obfuscated anyway. Theres actually a somewhat serious effort in writing code so convoluted that humans cant decipher its operation, as a copyprotection measure. 37. Beyesian classiers are used to make decisions about content based on statistics. They are why your email program can detect spam. Or, rather, they are why your e-mail program cant detect spam.

Matthew Strebe

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SlashNotes: Readers protected from crappy story

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday December 11, 2002 at 01:12AM From the were-not-afraid-to-link-to-the-competition dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOTs anti-hackneyed clich guidelines were invoked today when SlashNOT staffer Matthew attempted to post a story about Ebay auctioning itself off38 to the highest corporate bidder in an apparent executive management exit strategy scenario. SlashNOT staffer Michael explains: We felt we had to draw the line. We felt we had to raise the bar. And, we felt we had to do something else to the box besides just think outside it. The clichs were like bees to honey in this post. Since we introduced the ranking system and [Matthew] realized that his every post wasnt a 539, hes been like a man possessed to write the perfect satirical short. A chastened Matthew had this to say: Im just glad we have such a stringent peer review process. I mean, the castigation and chastisement of my coworkers was bad enough, but what if our readers had seen the piece? It would have been the Linux trademark asco all over again. (Ebay auctioning itself off) humorix.org/articles/may99/virtual-property.shtml (Linux trademark) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=26ion=Home No Subject Given by Chris Strebe on Wednesday, December 11 at 08:45PM Not Bad Re: No Subject Given by arielle lewandowski snowrox1321@removed.com on Wednesday, May 26 at 04:32PM Chris.please e-mail me i think i might know you. where do you camp? i think i know you know me i am arielle lewandowkski and chris if you are who i think you are,,,,,, i love you40 But I liked the Linux Trademark story! by Tyson41 twjensen@removed.com on Thursday, December 12 at 02:49PM Of course, I expect that many Linux fans were shocked and appalled at the suggestion that Linus could be bought. Myself, I think A billion bucks is a billion bucks, hard to argue with that. Re: But I liked the Linux Trademark story! by Michael mgm@removed.com on Thursday, December 12 at 03:17PM Currently, if anyones interested, the price to buy SlashNOT and use it to serve your evil purposes is $1100 dollars. (hey Tyson! Hows CA?) Re: But I liked the Linux Trademark story! by Tyson twjensen@removed.com on Sunday, December 15 at 06:13PM Nice. I feel like my 10 year prison sentence, er, time in Utah has nally come to an end. :)
38. Humorix is the other Slashdot parody site on the web. They dont have story rankings feedback, and it shows. 39. Einstein returns from grave to bitchslap dark matter is the only perfect 5 story in the history of SlashNOT. That is not to say that its the funniest story on the siterather, it says that its the only story that everyone agrees is funny. 40. Chris is not the Chris that Arielle is in love with. Hes my middle aged brother from Arizona. I suspect that Arielle is in love with the Chris Strebe who is the Brother of Nick Strebe, who are the subjects of commentary on other parts of this site. Im not sure why. 41. Tyson is a close friend and occasional contributor.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Private Spacecraft launches new era in Space

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 21, 2004 at 05:18PM From the pimp-my-satire dept. Matthew writes: SpaceShipOne, the brainchild of Burt Rutans Scaled Composites privately nanced spacecraft development company, has soared above the reach of Earths Atmosphere into sub-orbital space. Unlike Spartan NASA spacecraft piloted by astronauts, private spacecraft are not subject to the strict military inspired procedures and function-over-form designs that guide the development of government space vehicles. Pilot Mike Mellville took a moment away from his cruise into space to address reporters from the cockpit. Resplendent in a Leopard skin sport jacket42 and sipping a Martini, Mike spoke of the day when passengers would be able to share in the mahogany paneled and shag carpeted nery aboard SpaceShipOne, which just one week earlier had been pimped out by West Coast Customs and featured on MTVs Pimp My Ride. Yeah Baby. These are Crazy times! Just Crazy! Check this out [at which point he spins the martini glass slowly in space and then slurps up the globules of cocktail]. Thats the bomb Baby! Oh, and lookthe control monitors play video poker! You Cats have to do this! Oh, and check it outtheres no drug laws in space players! [at which point he res up a blunt and takes a long drag]. Thats one small drag for a man, one giant hit for mankind right there. Yeah, its so mellow up here, with the stars, and the moon. Oh, and check out this killer moon roof they put in (soared above the reach of Earths Atmosphere into sub-orbital space) abcnews.go.com/wire/US/ ap20040621_1556.html (Pimp My Ride) www.mtv.com/onair/pimp_my_ride/

42. Ive got to nd a leopard skin sportcoat for when I take over the planet. Thats the one facet of Idi Amins personality that I really liked.

Matthew Strebe

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Universe Even Darker and Scarier that Previously Thought

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 12, 2003 at 08:47AM From the Dark-Science dept. Matthew writes: Using results from the Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe satellite, which has mapped the universal background microwave radiation going back to the Big Bang, scientists have discovered that we know next to nothing about everything. But they have put a precise gure to how much we dont know: We now know that we dont know what 95.6% of the Universe is made of.43 On the good side, we also know that the Universe is 13.7 billion years old, and that it will expand indenitely until it reaches a state of complete entropy. Given that we have apparently no interaction with the unknown 95.6% of the Universe, scientists have decided to give up on Astrophysics and turn the awesome power of the WMAP Satellite to determine the answers to pressing questions on Earth, such as the exact age of Zsa Zsa Gabor, the extent to which Marlon Brando will expand, and the exact material composition of Michael Jacksons face. (Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe) map.gsfc.nasa.gov/ (has mapped) map.gsfc.nasa.gov/m_mm.html (Zsa Zsa Gabor) www.glamourgirlsofthesilverscreen.com/gabor_z/ (Marlon Brando) www.geocities.com/SoHo/Square/1211/brando.html (Michael Jacksons face) anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html

43. This result is based on the presumption that dark matter is necessary to explain galactic rotation, and that dark energy is therefore required to explain universal expansion. But as we now know, those theories have been bitchslapped. Thanks again, Al!

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The Best of SlashNOT

Emacs Now Bootable

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 26, 2003 at 06:27PM From the Kernel-who? dept. memoryhole writes: GNU Emacs, spurred by recent innovation in Microsofts labs, recently announced that Emacs will now include signicant portions of code from the GNU Hurd, making the Emacs binary itself bootable. The performance gains of operating in kernel mode were just too good to pass up. Besides, the Hurd started off as an Emacs fork anyway. Its good to see the projects merging back together, Richard Stallman was reported as saying. This will be the rst kernel to support native Lisp interpretation since the venerable LispM, which pundits recall as being better than Unix44. (GNU Emacs) www.gnu.org/software/emacs/emacs.html (innovation) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=264 (GNU Hurd) www.gnu.org/software/hurd/hurd.html (LispM) www.symbolics.com (better than Unix) research.microsoft.com/daniel/unix-haters.html

44. A link to the Unix-haters handbook Oh, look where its hosted!

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Live Journal to power Pasadena

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 16, 2004 at 07:03PM From the too-depressed-to-be-goth dept. sH_45 writes: Today researchers at NASAs Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that they have teamed up with LiveJournal to harness the abundant angst that is being generated hourly in massive amounts by LiveJournals members. Scientists believe that angst (or EMO for short) has the ability to solve the imminent energy crisis that will arise from the depletion of the worlds easily accessible oil reserves. According to scientists, a group of about 50 LiveJournal users can generate enough angst to power a large metropolis almost indenitely and seemingly without output degradation, provided that they are 12 to 19 years of age. LiveJournal users could not be ofcially reached for comment, although a user named xXDarkRavenXx was reported to have said U ALL SUK, promptly after which he collapsed in a t of self-loathing which powered the laboratorys lounge soda machine for a full 2 weeks. hay buddy by sn0w on Monday, July 19 at 02:27PM good story vote 11 out of 10

45. Pavel is an intern for one of my clients, and a good guy. His friends dogpiled the ratings system to articially increase this storys ratings, but the democratic nature of the web eventually smoothed out the numbers.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Mozilla adds security holes

Posted by Michael on Thursday November 07, 2002 at 02:23AM From the browser-wars dept. Squid writes: The Mozilla Project, Netscapes open-source underdog browser, announced six new security holes today. According to their press release, These new security holes should go a long way toward closing the gap between Mozilla and Internet Explorer. This is just part of the Mozilla Projects plan to become a serious competitor for IE. Along with many more bugs and security aws, we plan to add features that make it impossible to remove Mozilla from a computer, according to a source within the project. Microsoft is not worried: Thanks to ActiveX and a tighter integration with Windows, no software can match the insecurity of Internet Explorer, said a Microsoft spokesman. Except perhaps IIS. (Mozilla Project) www.mozilla.org/ (six new security holes) www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/27934.html (Internet Explorer) sec.greymagic.com/adv/gm012-ie/ (ActiveX) www.halcyon.com/mclain/ActiveX/welcome.html (IIS) www.theregister.co.uk/content/archive/24795.html No Subject Given by vanguard jmahan@removed.net on Thursday, November 13 at 02:11AM I heard that Mozilla also is planning to post your IP adress on the toolbar for ease of use with an option to to send it to remote servers to truly beat IE. Ignorant Anti-M$ Fools by Someone who knows not given on Wednesday, May 05 at 09:42AM Geez you Anti-M$ punks really are lame. The only reason IE is thought to be less secure is that everyone and their mom are trying to nd security problems with M$ products. I use Mozilla, Firefox and IE and often nd myself reverting back to IE because of problems that come up with Mozilla. Mainly performance issues among other things. Read the security posts on securityfocus.com and get educated. Here are just a few issues that popped up this year. 2004-04-15: Mozilla Messenger Remote Denial Of Service Vulnerability 2004-04-08: Mozilla Browser Zombie Document Cross-Site Scripting Vulnerability 200404-08: Mozilla Browser Cookie Path Restriction Bypass Vulnerability 2004-04-08: Multiple Vendor S/ MIME ASN.1 Parsing Denial of Service Vulnerabilities 2004-03-10: Mozilla Browser Script.prototype.freeze/thaw Arbitrary Code Execution Vulnerability 2004-03-10: Mozilla Browser Proxy Server Authentication Credential Disclosure Vulnerability 2004-02-02: Multiple Browser URI Display Obfuscation Weakness 2004-01-20: Mozilla Browser Cross Domain Violation Vulnerability Re: Ignorant Anti-M$ Fools by Matthew on Thursday, May 13 at 10:24AM its always so cute when people dont get satire.

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Emissary demands planetary status

Posted by Matthew on Sunday July 31, 2005 at 01:05PM From the Finally-freaking-found-the-10th-planet-already dept. Matthew writes: Emissaries from 2003UB313, the planet-sized rocky body orbiting the Sun beyond the orbit of Pluto, have formally demanded planetary status. Fulgak, 5th most dignied of the Ulkuk Hegemony, traveled to earth via a mysterious space ray from the newly discovered planet mere days after the announced discovery of the planet on Thursday. We have monitored your planets radio frequency transmissions since they began emitting approximately one quarter orbit ago46. When we learned that you had detected us, I was dispatched by their most dignied of the Ulkuk Hegemony to present you with our list of demands. First, we demand to be considered a Planet, and that said planet be named Ulkuk. Second, we demand 50% of your planets current production of Peanut Butter, and you will never inquire as to the reason for this request. Third, we demand that you immediately begin production of new Baywatch episodes staring Pamela Anderson. We will provide technology to assist your already noble efforts to prevent her from aging. You have two Earth revolutions to comply. (Emissaries from 2003UB313) www.imdb.com/title/tt0052077/ (the planet-sized rocky body orbiting the Sun beyond the orbit of Pluto) www.inform. kz/txt/showarticle.php?lang=eng&id=133165 I For One by phobos13013 phobos13013@removed.com on Tuesday, August 02 at 04:40AM Welcome our new extra-planetary overlords from 2003UB313. Fitting name to a tting planet that will preside over our tting destructionbecause come on, like this planet could EVER decide upon something as complex as those three demands in two earth revolutionsoh and are those revolutions around itself or the sun? Either way we will never reach agreement in time. Re: I For One by Matthew on Tuesday, August 02 at 09:39AM My read is that revolution refers to a spin on the Earths axis and an orbit refers to a trip around the Sun. So yeah, were pretty much screwed.

46. Thats one quarter of Ulkaks revolutions, so about 80 years or so. Approximately.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Remote proof of intelligent design

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 06, 2005 at 12:00PM From the its-all-in-why-you-look-at-it dept. Matthew writes: Lawyers for the Dover Board of Education, which is defending itself against charges that its policy to require a statement on science textbooks promoting intelligent design violates the separation between church and state, have closed their arguments by pointing to common examples that they say prove that intelligent design is at work in the world47. Just look at this remote control. It ts my hand perfectly. When I point it at the television and push this button, the television comes on instantly, as if by magic. How could a device like this have evolved to control a television? Are we to believe that somehow the television and the remote control both evolved in lock step, in some sort of symbiotic relationship? Hogwash. Only intelligent design by an intelligent designer can possibly explain this sort of complexity. Dover school board ejected by voters by Matthew on Saturday, November 12 at 10:38PM Every one of them. ROFL!

47. I dont understand why anybody cares about this debate. Who cares if a large segment of society demands that their children be deliberately de-educated? That just leaves more for those of us whose children learn how to think critically. After all, somebody has to staff the fast food drive-through.

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Microsoft testing coalitions patience

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 16, 2003 at 10:31AM From the Axis-of-Evil dept. Matthew writes: The U.S. government stepped up the pressure in its efforts force Microsoft to become more open today, ordering the company to ship Java within 12048 days or face serious consequences. Were sick and tired of the delaying tactics, the lack of cooperation, and the deception coming from Redmond. Said U.S. District Judge J. Frederick Motz. Microsoft has been under pressure from the U.S. and a coalition of governments to provide more openness by sharing Windows code and by including Suns Java environment that allows programs to run on any platform. While were happy that Microsoft has agreed to allow widespread code inspection, they have not been forthcoming about declarations of unannounced security vulnerabilities known to them. Microsoft Update contains only declarations for vulnerabilities we knew about days or even weeks ago. Frankly, the odds of us nding security vulnerabilities without help from Microsoft computer scientists are slim. We need to get these computer scientists and their families out of Redmond and interview them in a safe location, and they should be offered employment with other companies if they feel that there will be retaliation from Microsoft when they return. (ship Java within 120) www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/biztech/01/16/microsoft.sun.ap/ (U.S. and a coalition of governments) seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/aptech_story. asp?category=1700&slug=Microsoft%20Source%20Code (sharing Windows code) www.line56.com/articles/default.asp?ArticleID=4328 (security vulnerabilities) www.itworld.com/Net/3027/030116msorange/ (computer scientists) www.theolympian.com/home/news/20030115/business/8600.shtml

48. This is one of those period pieces that goes out of date quickly. Nobody cares about Java anymore.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Microsoft developing .LIP Server

Posted by Matthew on Friday October 11, 2002 at 11:33PM From the .not-server dept. Matthew writes: A Spokesperson for Microsoft today conrmed the companys long term follow-on product name for .NET Server. To be referred to as .LIP Server, the product is the rst major development to be named in the wake of the companies recent Buzzworthy Computing initiative49. .LIP Server delivers on the promise of promise itself. With this architecture, well be years ahead of where we are now. Microsoft has conrmed a 2006 release date for the server product. Chief Software Architect Bill Gates had this to say about .LIP: We dont have the user-centricity until we understand context, which is way beyond presencepresence is the most trivial notion of context.50 An aide claried that sentence as .LIP Embraces what we delivered with .NET and extends it into the Enterprise.51 Microsoft has registered a proposal with ICANN to host a .LIP top level Internet domain to become the premier virtual market space for .LIP related services and information. (.NET Server) www.securiteam.com/windowsntfocus/5RP020U8AQ.html (.NET Server) www.securiteam.com/windowsntfocus/5RP020U8AQ.html (.LIP Server) online.wsj.com/article_email/0,,SB1027892457977502480,00.html (Buzzworthy Computing initiative) www.eweek.com/article2/0,3959,476333,00.asp (promise) online.wsj.com/article_email/0,,SB1027455756985947080,00.html (Bill Gates) www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp (We dont have the user-centricity until we understand context, which is way beyond presencepresence is the most trivial notion of context.) news.com.com/2010-1071-948117.html?tag=rn (ICANN) lists.jammed.com/politech/2002/03/0038.html Delayed Release? by Very Interested LookinForAnID@removed.com on Wednesday, November 12 at 10:09AM It is my understanding the conrmed release date is scheduled to be delayed sometime second quarter of 2005 dependent upon how far ahead of themselves Microsoft developers actually get. I also understand French, German, and a little Esperanto if anyone is interested.

49. This is a link to Microsofts Trustworthy Computing Initiative of 2002. Yeah, that worked. 50. A link to him saying exactly that. Nobody knew what the heck he was talking about. 51. Sure, they say that theyve extended into the Enterprise, but how do we know they really mean it?

Matthew Strebe

31

SlashNOTs REAL 2002 predictions revealed

Posted by Squid on Monday January 06, 2003 at 05:23AM From the future-imperfect dept. Squid writes: As a disgruntled former SlashNOT editor, I was shocked to read the supposed 2002 predictions recap story. 90% of our predictions came true. Right. This kind of disregard for proper journalism is exactly why I left SlashNOT and became disgruntled. For everyones enjoyment until someone deletes them, here are SlashNOTs actual predictions from January 2002: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Tablet PCs will become incredibly popular and overtake desktops by the end of 2002. Kenneth Lay will become the new CEO of Novell, which will then buy out HP. Intels Itanium processor will saturate the server market and make inroads in desktops. Microsoft will release MS-Linux, a version of Linux that runs over a DOS shell. Slashdot will reinvent itself as a parody of SlashNOT.com. Amazon.com will tell the press that Segway scooters are one of its top-selling items, despite the fact that they are not yet available for sale. Our 1000 shares of Pets.com will be worth a fortune. The US government will outlaw Linux, saying that only terrorists use software they dont pay for. The Justice Department will break up Microsoft into two or three smaller companies. One of the new companies will name itself Bob.

10. The Y2K bug will show up three years late at the end of 2002, surprising everyone and causing the destruction of 90% of the worlds computer systems. (2002 predictions recap) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=194 (Kenneth Lay) www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/lay_scam.shtml (top-selling items) news.com.com/2100-1040-978789.html (Pets.com) www.usatoday.com/community/chat/1204sockpuppet.htm I too am disgruntled by CaptTako on Monday, January 06 at 11:31AM I too am a disgruntled former editor from SlashNOT. We should get together and boycott SlashNOT for not being 100% cruelty free. Re: I too am disgruntled by Squid on Monday, January 06 at 11:48PM Or we could start a PARODY of SlashNOT! Opposite of disgruntled? by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, January 16 at 02:41AM If you are unhappy you are disgruntled. So does that mean if you are happy, you aregruntled? Re: Opposite of by Matthew on Thursday, January 16 at 10:44AM Of course. Just the way that I nd your comment to be gusting.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Wife suspends SlashNOT Staffer

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 30, 2002 at 01:01AM From the what-comes-around-goes-around dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT staffer Matthew was recently placed on suspension by his wife after she found playboy.com in the history list of his computers web browser.52 Failing to buy into his claim that he was researching a story for SlashNOT about playboy.com, she announced a zero tolerance policy for bullshit and relegated him to the couch for an undisclosed period. Matthew considered appealing to a higher court, but decided to settle after counsel predicted a low probability of the court buying the story, either, citing as contemptible and frankly, not very funny the staffers attempt at a cover up by actually posting a satirical piece about the web site in question. Fixin up by eBay Bride on Wednesday, October 30 at 05:55PM Hey, hun, my hubbys leaving Saturday on a run to Cleveland. There isnt any way youd take up more room than he does, so you can have his portion of the bed. I just dont think a nice, professional journalist like you should have to endure the indignity of a couch. Besides, I have better stuff than Playboy in my cache.53 Re: Fixin up by Matthew on Wednesday, October 30 at 11:55PM Um, my wife just pointed out your post to me, ensuring that Ill spend the next month and half on the couch. Thanks.

52. This was originally posted next to the story Playboy suspends 35 in Internet usage probe about employees of Playboy having porn on their computers. Turns out this story was quite a bit funnier, so they arent next to each other in the book. 53. eBay Bride was a frequent comment heckler for about a year. Were not responsible for her comments.

Matthew Strebe

33

USCERT Advisory: Pepsi vulnerable to beverage overow

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 20, 2004 at 09:25AM From the coke-wannabe dept. Matthew writes: The Department of Homeland Security has announced a new critical vulnerability in all versions of Pepsi, including Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, and the critical Mountain Dew developer support platform54. The aw is essentially an authentication vulnerability that allows hackers to determine the Pepsi-iTunes song give-away code without properly authenticating with the bottle cap lid through the purchase mechanism55. The vulnerability was originally thought merely to be a code-scanning technique in which vulnerable Pepsi bottle caps with the code could be identied, but it has now been conrmed that the codes can be surreptitiously discovered through a hand-shaking technique and careful scrutiny from outside the plastic bottle perimeter. Up to 100 million bottles of Pepsi are potentially vulnerable to the hack, according to the bevhacking group 0ski11z, who discovered the exploit. Pepsi drinkers are advised to avoid popular beverage vendors and sites frequented by teenagers until the bottles can be patched. Bottled sodas dispensed from vending machines are not vulnerable to the exploit.56 (a new critical vulnerability in all versions of Pepsi) news.com.com/2100-1027-5162098.html

54. When I was a baby, programmers drank coffee by the buckets. When I was a teenager, they drank Jolt Cola, which marketed itself as having all the sugar and twice the caffeine of the competition. The new generation all drink Mountain Dew. 55. True story. You could look through the clear bottle and read the iTunes giveaway code. Surprisingly, this was discovered by actual computer hackers. 56. This is funnier if you know that actual security alerts are sent from CERT, the Computer Emergency Response Team, in this format.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Microsoft completes purchase of Klez

Posted by Michael on Saturday January 25, 2003 at 02:45AM From the viral-marketing dept. Michael writes: Microsoft announced today that it has completed its acquisition of Klez LLC57, maker of the Win32.Klez.H virus and several variants. Microsoft plans to use these newly-acquired technologies to enhance the security of Windows systems. Klez leveraged the peer-to-peer power of Outlook to achieve #1 status in 2002, and were proud to make it part of the Microsoft team, said Bill Gates in a press conference. We want to make it clear that the days of Klez causing problems on the net are over, because Klez is no longer a virus. It is now a proactive component of our Trustworthy Computing Initiative. Gates described how the company will use Klez technology to replace the current Windows Update feature with a more prescriptive approach. Weve found that users just dont want to worry about security xes. Klez will use push technology to bring you the xes whether you ask for them or not. Gates also announced that a Linux version of Klez will be available next month as part of their Linux Software Initiative. (Klez LLC) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,51949,00.html (Outlook) news.com.com/2100-1023-866307.html?tag=rn (#1 status) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,52765,00.html (Trustworthy Computing Initiative) www.salon.com/tech/feature/2002/04/09/trustworthy/ (more prescriptive approach) siliconvalley.internet.com/news/article.php/1574071 (security xes) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,48756,00.html (Linux Software Initiative) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=177

57. A wired article about the various strange messages contained in the many variants of the Klez virus. The rst one contained this message: I'm sorry to do this but it's helpless to say sorry. I want a good job. I must support my parents. Now you have seen my technical capabilities. How much my year-salary now? No more than $5,500. What do you think of this fact? Don't call me names, I have no hostility. Can you help me? Thats rightits not a virus that has caused billions of dollars of work and lost productivity, its a cry for help. And you know hes not American because he cares about supporting his parents.

Matthew Strebe

35

Google arrested while dumping body

Posted by Matthew on Friday November 14, 2003 at 07:25PM From the stranger-than-fact dept. Matthew writes: Popular search engine Google was arrested early this evening while apparently attempting to dump the body of AltaVista58, a competing search engine eclipsed by Googles sudden rise to stardom in the search market.59 Details are sketchy at this point, but police reports indicate that Google was interrupted in the act by a Police Ofcer that noticed a large number of semi trucks parked at Moss Landing, near Monterey Bay. There were a lot of trucks there. I dont know how Google really expected to get away with it. When I walked up, hundreds of servers were being dumped into the bay, along with rack rails, hard disk drives, desktop computers, ofce chairs, cubicle partitions. Everything was taken apartdismembered really. It was a mess. Of course, I immediately took Google into custody. According to preliminary statements taken at the scene, Alta Vista showed up at Google in an incoherent state, dressed to look like Google, spewing inconsistent and meaningless search results and thrashing about wildly. According to Google, they struggled over market share, but Google quickly gained the upper hand and overpowered Alta Vista. At the end of the struggle, Google had killed Alta Vista and apparently dismembered the search engine in a panic and called friends to help dump the body. (dressed to look like google) www.SlashNOT.com/poll.php3?submit=viewresults&question_id=182 (called friends to help dump the body) www.SlashNOT.com/poll. php3?submit=viewresults&question_id=182 Simpson Quote by Kent_Diego on Friday, November 14 at 09:19PM Its so funny because its true!

58. For those of you whove never heard of it, Altavista was the rst true search engine for the Internet. It had this horrible portal interface lled with ads, but now looks just like Google, oddly enough. 59. This was a link to the SlashNOT online poll that inspired the article called: Feelings about Google 10% Would kill for Google 15% Google is my personal savior 2% Want to marry Google 17% Hate all other search engines 22% Would help Google move a body 2% Wish brother/sister would marry Google 13% Google drinks too much at parties 15% Albatross Albatross is always the last poll entry in SlashNOT polls. No reason other than habit.

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The Best of SlashNOT

DOS attacks on the rise

Posted by Michael on Friday March 28, 2003 at 02:44AM From the Bob-attacks-are-next dept. Michael writes: Microsoft reported on Tuesday that a vulnerability in IIS could make it susceptible to DOS6061 attacks. These attacks are becoming more commonrecent DOS attacks have been reported on Nokia phones and on several infamous web sites. It was pretty scary, said one webmaster that asked not to be identied. Our site was working ne for years, then suddenly last week we got a black screen. A minute later, the C:\> prompt appeared, and we knew it was a DOS attack. Worse yet, it was one of the old buggy versions, 4.1 or something. While vendors have attempted several solutions, none can completely eliminate the risk of DOS attacks. This type of attack started appearing in 1981, said a security expert, and reached a peak in 1993. Stealth attacks were still common until a security x was released in 2000. There is not yet an explanation for the new upsurge in attacks. (vulnerability in IIS) www.infoworld.com/article/03/03/25/HNoneofmany_1.html (Nokia phones) www.idg.com.sg/idgwww.nsf/unidlookup/ 9E2AC0A064CC16A748256CDA000E35FB?OpenDocument (infamous) www.slyck.com/news.php?story=105 (sites) www.geek.com/news/geeknews/2003Mar/gee20030326019294.htm (black screen) www.osdata.com/system/ui/screens/smsdos.htm (solutions) www.neowin.net/articles.php?action=more&id=53&perpage=1&pagenum=5 (started appearing in 1981) www.acad.humberc.on.ca/frig8279/osessay/dos/history.html (in 1993) www.upenn.edu/computing/printout/archive/v10/2/dos6.html (Stealth attacks) www.ctyme.com/msdos7.htm (in 2000) cnews.canoe.ca/TechNews0002/16_michetti.html (new upsurge) www.dosgamesarchive.com/

60. DOS stands for Denial of Service Attacks. These are the hacking equivalent of putting superglue on an ATM keypad. You dont get any money, there isnt any way to keep people from doing it, and its completely pointless. 61. DOS stands for Disk Operating Systemthe original operating system for PC computers from Microsoft, before Windows. Its the origin of the infamous C:> prompt.

Matthew Strebe

37

Night of the Living NetWare

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 26, 2003 at 06:54PM From the arcane-art-of-ancient-networking dept. Matthew writes: The University of Utah has reported several recent network attacks originating from undead NetWare servers62servers no longer supported or even remembered but which have been reanimated and remain connected to the network. One server had recently been found connected to the network by a vampire tap63 on a long and lonely stretch of thicknet. Most had been powered down ages ago, but mysteriously booted after power was restored from a blackout three weeks ago. Although Utah has long ago completed a migration to the TCP/IP protocol, these medieval servers speak only the now largely forgotten IPX protocol64. This mysterious ancient protocol, akin to the ancient XNS protocol spoken at Xerox many generations ago, still has the power to ood pipes and call forth broadcast storms. Campus administrators have been advised to watch packet lters closely for spurious IPX packets and to report any unusual activity to forensic network security. (undead NetWare servers) www.techweb.com/wire/story/TWB20010409S0012 (vampire tap) isp.webopedia.com/TERM/V/vampire_tap.html (IPX protocol) www.novell.com/documentation/lg/nw6p/index.html?page=/documentation/lg/nw6p/ ipx_enu/data/hjyh8yg8.html

62. NetWare was the rst server operating system that allowed the widespread sharing of les. It sucked, but not as much as not being able to share les. 63. Vampire taps were early network adapters that you literally squeezed on to the cable. It had sharp teeth that would pierce the cable jacket and touch the conductor inside the cable. Did I mention that this was in the primitive days of networking? 64. IPX was cool except that it wasnt compatible with the Internet. But you never had to deal with setting up addresses manually, or with being able to have large networks.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Iomega sets stage for massive collapse by 2004

Posted by Matthew on Sunday September 15, 2002 at 10:26PM From the Iomegalomania dept. Matthew writes: With two years to go, Iomega has set the stage for a massive collapse, beginning in 200465. Iomega VP of R&D Mahmoud Mostafa explains: Weve got a whole new line of uncompelling and expensive products ready to go, beginning with Zip 750. CDR/W has been beating us up and taking our lunch money, and Zip 750 is our response to that. Costing nearly 20 times as much for the same amount of storage, and lacking the ability to be read everywhere, we really feel that Zip 750 is going to be the Anchor that drags us right to the bottom. We rode the Zip cash cow for a decade now, and didnt come up with a single compelling product between now and then. Remember MiniZip? Its like Flash memory except its slower, has no market penetration, and its easy to break. Remember Jaz? Who knew hard disks were going to get so cheap that people wouldnt need it, except those who did the standard projections? Man, that took nobody but us by surprise. But just in case Zip 750 doesnt kill us, weve got a bunch of higher capacity media way down the line that are guaranteed to be obsolete, incompatible, and expensive by the time we bring them to market. Its how we plan wring ever last cent of shareholder value out before we bite it. (Iomega) www.iomega.com/ DVD RAM? by Steve Franklin searchgoogle@removed.franklin on Tuesday, November 11 at 08:18AM Having used DVD RAM for a couple of months now, at eight dollars for 4.7 GB, using software that maintains the le structure, and including a cartridge that protects it from external wear and dirt, I cannot imagine what Iomega could do to save themselves except maybe learn Japanese and buy shares in Panasonic. Maybe they could license their software that comes with the ZIP drives that takes 10 minutes to load every time you turn on the computer.

65. Well, here it is, 2006 and theyre still around. Theyve moved into reselling Taiwanese data storage products like ash dongles and hard disk enclosures. Good move, except that nothing differentiates them from their competition. But Ive got to give them propssurviving the death of Zip drives was a remarkable feat.

Matthew Strebe

39

Plush Tux Toys to Appear in Happy Meals

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday April 07, 2004 at 11:34AM From the blissfully-obese dept. Christopher writes: A McDonalds spokesperson today announced that, for a limited time, Happy Meals will contain a plush toy representing the Linux mascot, Tux. It was also stated that this decision in no way represented McDonalds choice of operating system and was made solely because of Tuxs appeal to young children. Upon hearing the news, many OS developers began questioning McDonalds real agenda in providing the toys. Who hasnt bought their child a soft toy representing a small, cuddly animal? Argued McDonalds legal representatives The McDonalds marketing team rmly believe that a small penguin is the perfect toy for a young childwould you rather see a child playing with a window, or maybe a foot? In response, Microsoft has announced that they will be releasing a plush toy mascot66 of their own to compete with the appeal of Tux. (plush toy mascot) www.toyvault.com/cthulhu/plush_cthulhu.html No Subject Given by shawn penguinpower_2@removed.com on Saturday, April 10 at 12:03AM does this seem just a little bit tabloidish to anyone else??? Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, April 10 at 04:31PM Well, Were not publishing pictures of Tony Blair and Prince Charles caught in compromising positions. So no, it doesnt seem a bit tabloidish to me. got one by Mupwi mupwi@removed.org on Sunday, May 02 at 01:47AM A couple of years ago I was helping to man the lug stand at the annual computer show and someone came in with a penguin from a happy meal needless to say everyone on the stand ended up ordering happy meals for lunch I actually got 2 one sits on my monitor and the other in an empty drive bay. I wonder what the waiter thought 10 20-40 year old guys all buying happy meals?67

66. This is a link to a plush toy Cthulu, the god of all evil in the Call of Cthulu by HP Lovecraft. Its really pretty cute, if you like heads with tentacles. 67. Well, I know what I would think.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Microsoft announces software for Linux

Posted by Michael on Thursday December 12, 2002 at 02:10AM From the microsoft-bob-is-next dept. Michael writes: As predicted earlier this week, Microsoft has announced that they will soon begin offering Linux versions of their most popular products. We can no longer ignore the market penetration of Linux, said CEO Steve Ballmer. We hope this rst step will show just how strongly we intend to support the Linux community. The rst product for Linux will be a version of the popular Notepad68 text editor. Linux users are constantly complaining about the lack of a good text editor, said Ballmer. Microsofts next products for Linux will be versions of their most popular games: Minesweeper, Solitaire, and Blue Screen of Death. (predicted) www.msnbc.com/news/845822.asp (Steve Ballmer) zdnet.com.com/2100-1104-959112.html (Notepad) www.notepad.com/ (Minesweeper) www.mat.bham.ac.uk/R.W.Kaye/minesw/minesw.htm (Solitaire) www.solitairecentral.com/rules/klondike.html (Blue Screen of Death) zem.squidly.org/bsod/ No Subject Given by Chris Strebe69 on Thursday, December 12 at 07:33PM Excellent, anything that makes me laugh out loud rates a top score in my book. It has been awhile since you had one this funny, put it in your best of section. Re: No Subject Given by Michael mgm@removed.com on Friday, December 13 at 10:19PM Thanks!

68. Actually, Notepad would really be a huge improvement over the text editors available in typical Linux distributions. 69. There is some other Chris Strebe on the planet who must be in high school, judging by the number of posts about him by sophomoric idiots that I had to delete in this post. This particular Chris Strebe is my completely non-controversial brother.

Matthew Strebe

41

Gates and Torvalds to nally settle this thing

Posted by Matthew on Saturday November 09, 2002 at 04:02PM From the bum-ghts dept. Matthew writes: Perceiving Linux as a growing threat, and with no serious strategy to cope with technologies that cant be purchased, Bill Gates has challenged Linus Torvalds to a winner-take-all street ght. Dubbed The Battle in Seattle, both contestants have agreed that the looser will shut down development of their operating system. The ght, to be held in the P1 parking garage of building 36 at Microsofts Redmond campus, will be simulcast via streaming video from MSNBC and Sourceforge. A noticeably beeer Gates announced the ght from the home page of his personal website: Hes got no effective attack against my Access Control List defense, assuming that Im patched up to date of course. Hell be in a kernel panic by round two. Gates has been training and hot xing in anticipation for the match, and now weighs in at 134 lbs. Torvalds, weighing in at 125 lbs., held a news conference to respond to the challenge: Im going to remote root hack his backdoors. Ill overrun every buffer hes got. His threading model is inefcient, his memory allocation is weak, and his protection model has holes you could drive a truck through. That geeks kernel is no match for mine. (growing threat) www.vnunet.com/News/1135365 (Bill Gates) www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp (Linus Torvalds) www.cs.helsinki./u/torvalds/ (street ght) www.bumghts.com/ No Subject Given by lkj on Monday, November 11 at 11:59AM lkj No Subject Given by Alex on Saturday, April 24 at 11:29PM This is the best story Ive seen from you. I cant stop laughing. Hell be in a kernel panic by round two :0)70

70. Proof that there is an audience for this book, even if it doesnt happen to be you.

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The Best of SlashNOT

President Bush asks RIAA to sue Osama Bin Laden

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 05, 2004 at 01:04PM From the the-lesser-of-two-bushes dept. Blitzenn writes: In a surprise move the White House admits that they havent any idea where Osama Bin Laden is currently hiding, but has revealed intelligence suggesting that he is illegally downloading MP3s. RIAA (Recording Industry Artists Association)71 has announced that they intend to sue Osama Bin Laden in an attempt uncover his whereabouts. Mr. Bush stated in his recent address that RIAA now has more far reaching powers to uncover wrong doers than the government does and is calling on the organization to pursue one of the Oval Ofces most wanted. In a statement to the public on the issue, the White house has published the following; RIAA has demonstrated that they are willing to go to any lengths to nd individuals who deserve prison time for their wrongful actions. Just look at the number of children and young adults they have been able to nd and prosecute in our own country. We feel they are the right people for the job. RIAA followed up with their own press release; We believe that we will be victorious in our hunt for Osama Bin Laden. The DMCA, (Digital Millennium Copyright Act), has given us the ability to completely wreck the livelihood of thousands of otherwise law abiding young men women and children across this great country. We feel it is now time to take those abilities and exercise them abroad. We are sure that we will have Osama within our crosshairs before the weeks end. Downloading music illegally is absolutely the most heinous crime we think of, and we will severely punish him as we have done to others here in our own country. No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Friday, May 07 at 08:10PM Thats really terrible! Just another reason I love this site.

71. All geeks hate the RIAA for suing downloaders, and the MPAA for also having two As in its acronym.

Matthew Strebe

43

Schrodinger arrested on cruelty, weapons charges

Posted by Matthew on Friday November 01, 2002 at 08:09PM From the quantum-kittens dept. Daniel writes: A Long Beach, California, man was arrested last night in a spectacular commando raid. A police SWAT team stormed the home of Erwin Schrdinger72 at about 9:30 PM after receiving tips from his neighbors about sinister activities on the property. A local judge issued a warrant when police presented Geiger counter measurements taken from the sidewalk showing the presence of radioactive materials somewhere on the premises. Police have released very little information, but so far it appears the elderly Mr. Schrdinger faces felony charges of cruelty to animals, possession of ssionable materials, and possession of lethal toxins. Investigators were seen removing evidence from his home following the arrest. A neighbor described one of the items as a black box with all kinda gadgetry sticking out of it. Paul Fooster, who lives next door, described Mr. Schrdinger as eccentric and possibly dangerous. He said the suspect tended to ramble to himself about things collapsing and super positions and Eigen states, which he thought might be a code word for terrorist-friendly countries. Said Mr. Fooster, I felt chilled to the bone one time when I overheard him babbling on about sticking cats in a box with cyanide. Isnt that what them Al Qaida folks were doing with dogs? I mean, Ive got children, you know? Another neighbor, Arlene Monigan, reported similar behavior and worried that Mr. Schrdinger might have ties to terrorists. When she saw an eerie blue glow emanating from within the house, she nally notied authorities. Mr. Schrdinger is being held without bail pending charges. A distraught Mrs. Schrdinger, who says Mr. Schrdinger is harmless, states she has petitioned several times to see or at least talk with her husband, to no avail. As it stands, she said, I dont know whether hes dead or alive! No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Saturday, November 02 at 09:48AM Very nice. The last line cracked me up. Re: No Subject Given by Rigel no.email@removed.com on Saturday, November 09 at 07:57AM Ahahahaha. Hahaha. Haha. Ha. Night of the undead wavefunction. by Rigel no.email@removed.com on Saturday, November 09 at 07:59AM A quantum zombie, so to speak.

72. If you have no idea what this story is about, Google Schrodingers Cat. You neednt gure out how to make your keyboard generate the o with the umlaut above it.

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Police Raids Yield Startling Results

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday March 31, 2004 at 05:47PM From the operation-closed-source dept. Christopher writes: Earlier today the FBI, along with local authorities, raided the residences of several Microsoft employees under the suspicion that they may be using open-source software. The concern began when [while getting a stapler] I noticed a copy of Floppix73 in a an employees drawer, stated disgruntled Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. I immediately contacted the relevant authorities. The results of these raids were quite unexpected. Out of the thirty-ve homes that were raided, eleven of them contained open-source software. Most of all, when police raided the residence of Brad Abrams74, a program manager on the .net CLR team and also a close friend of Bill Gates himself, they found one machine actually running Red Hat Linux and a cache of other open-source software. Upon further inspection of his machine, they found that he had bookmarked SourceForge75 and was an active member of its forum. I had no idea my employees were using such software, appealed Microsoft Chairperson Bill Gates to the media. Gates also said that the culprits will be dealt with harshly, as such practices are not tolerated within the company. The matter is still undergoing inquiry with more raids planned early next month. (Floppix) www.oppix.com (Red Hat Linux) www.redhat.com (SourceForge) sourceforge.net

73. A version of Linux that can be run from Boot oppies, in case you want to make sure the operating system is so small that you cant do anything with the computer. 74. Not the real Brad Abrams. 75. The canonical all the worlds open source software website.

Matthew Strebe

45

EU to nance self by suing Microsoft

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday March 31, 2004 at 05:48PM From the damned-good-idea dept. Matthew writes: Commissioner President of the European Union Romano Prodi has announced that rather than assessing fees to member states to fund its costs, it will be suing U.S. and Japanese multinational corporations and using the proceeds to nance its operations. At rst, we were just suing Microsoft because everyone else was doing it, said Msr. Prodi. But when we realized that we could hit them with hundreds of millions of dollars in nes without them blinking, we were like ka-ching! This frankly solves one of the EUs major growth hurdles and will allow us to exceed the governance limitations placed on us by the member states which they enforce through budgetary control. Having an independent war chest, so to speak, will make the expansion of the EU much simpler. Were going after Sony next, as soon as our lawyers can gure out why76. Eeeweu by D00d3 bgates@removed.com on Wednesday, April 07 at 09:51AM WTF77? I cant believer theyre suing us.

76. The recent rootkits on Sony CDs would be a reason. 77. I think this stands for World Trade Federation

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The Best of SlashNOT

IBM Develops Articial Stupidity

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday September 04, 2002 at 05:16PM From the stupid-is-as-stupid-doesnt dept. Matthew writes: IBM researchers today announced that they have developed a software agent that passes the Turing test. The Turing test states that software is articially intelligent when reasonable humans cannot tell that they are communicating with a computer. They did this by incorporating a new technology called Articial Stupidity or AS. Code-named Anna Nicole, the software agent interfaces with real people constantly via a special AOL Instant Message interface and an E! Television show. AOL Instant Messages are the computers only bidirectional interface with the outside world. The software runs on IBMs famous Deep Blue computer, but now takes so little compute power that a port to Linux is in the works. The breakthrough came when we realized that we had gone too far with Articial Intelligence. People didnt believe our earlier attempts because they were too smart. Lets face it, when you ask someone in chat what the square root of PI is, and that person begins answering, you know youre not talking to a human. That meant that we were failing the Turing test every time. Articial Stupidity is, at its core, a simple process. The computer makes an immediate estimation of the amount of compute time required to answer a specic question. If the estimation goes over two seconds, the computer aborts the thread and replies with a randomly selected reply from this list: What?; Whatever; Calm down and give me your address; Dude, get serious; yeah right; okay Einstein; Youre making me hot; Was that Pepperoni?; or Im going to have to forward you to second tier support. By incorporating AS in to their AI efforts, IBM has developed a product with immediate sales potential. Theyre now working on speech recognition and synthesis modules to support industrial applications such as Tech Support, Drive Through and Telephone Order Taking, and 411 and 911 Operator. Weve found that by tweaking the speech synthesis with a heavy foreign accent, people speak a lot more slowly and loudly, which makes the voice recognition much easier, and theyre far more likely to repeat themselves. Those small optimizations are making this a here, now technology. (IBM) news.com.com/2009-1082-269157.html (researchers) www.watson.ibm.com/ (Turing test) cogsci.ucsd.edu/asaygin/tt/ttest.html (AOL) www.aol.com/ (E! Television show) www.eonline.com/On/AnnaNicole/index.html?fdfour3 (Deep Blue) www.ibm.com/news/morechess.html No Subject Given by Matthew on Thursday, August 05 at 05:42PM Theres a real implementation here78 including logged chats that are hysterical.

78. Unfortunately, its not funny enough to bother looking up.

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Top 10 Slashdot Articles From The 1800s

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 06, 2005 at 11:59AM From the wayback-machine dept. Reinhard Gantar writes: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Morse In Your Questions For Jules Verne How To Electrify Your Home For 20 Bucks79 Sheet Music Publishers Association80 of America Sues Edison Over Phonograph Michelson And Morley Screw Up Luminiferous Ether Experiment Pretty Good Italian Geek Transmits Signal Without Wires Alternating CurrentJust A Pile of Hyperbole? Ask Slashdot: How to Recover From Modernist Shock? Gothic Novels Not Eroding Society, Scientists Say Lighter-Than-Air-Flight vs. Heavier-Than-Air-Flight Controversy Rages On And On And On

10. Crazy Psychic Predicts Geeks Epic Battle Against Evil Empire, Finnish Savior81

79. Im pretty sure bucks is anachronistic, but I didnt write this so Im not going to x it. 80. These guys actually make the RIAA look like lambs. They sue churches. 81. Linus Torvalds, developer of Linux (in case you dont get the reference)

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SlashNOT singled out for praise

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 25, 2003 at 10:22AM From the praise-be-to-pilot dept. matthew writes: Sent via the form at SlashNOT.com Dear Pilot Pen Company, I just love your G2-2 07 pens. I love the way they write, I wont use anything else. I work at a Community College, in a busy ofce. I have arthritis and carpal tunnel right now. Your pens are the easiest on my hands, plus I just love the way the ink ows. I just had to share that with you. I hope you never quit making them. The SlashNOT Response Dearest Reader, While we cannot guarantee that any product will be made forever, I can assure you that this product line will outlast you. We appreciate your sincere devotion to this pen, and hope it brings you many more tender moments of writing pleasure. p.s. Please note that all comments submitted via the comment form are the property of SlashNOT.com, no matter how confused you are. No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Saturday, July 26 at 02:14PM To be fair, I have a few Pilot G2 pens on my desk, and they are actually quite good. :) Re: No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Sunday, July 27 at 04:12AM Further investigation reveals that the person in question searched on Google for pilot pen company address and found this SlashNOT story82 on the top of the list. How they mistook that for Pilot Pens site, well never know. Re: Google Pilot by Tyson on Monday, July 28 at 10:30AM Um, I guess the Pilot Pen Company either doesnt have an internet presence or has so few fans that Google bypassed it as uninteresting. OTOH, Pilot pens are probably actually made by Nabisco. Or maybe IBM. Maybe a search on those companies could reveal the true source of Pilot pens. Re: Google Pilot by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Sunday, August 03 at 03:19AM Searching for pilot pens will get you to the right place83, we just dominate that particular more specic search

82. The Pilot Pen asks everyone to please stop calling PDAs Pilots story. 83. That being the actual pilot pen company website.

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Music Sharing Finished By End Of Next Month

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 24, 2005 at 04:17PM From the one-heavy-rotation-deserves-another dept. SCRaTCH writes: Leading music distributors have announced that they have joined forces in the latest attempt to rid the internet of the parasitic plague dubbed File Sharing. In an astonishingly original report published today, it has been revealed that they are going to destroy File-Sharing by the end of next month by only releasing music that is of such poor quality, no-one would want to download it in the rst place. An insider in the music industry explained: Initially we passed off this File-Sharing as a load of silly pife but after a while we realised that these people needed to be stopped. We set up a crack team of cyber-spies to research piracy and after 18 months of research on one web-site, we drew a blank. We realised that a new approach was needed One of our brain-storming sessions came up with the idea of changing the names of the mp3s to something different. We tested this idea by uploading Queens Under Pressure and renaming it to Mozarts Clarinet Concerto. This was a HUGE success. We didnt get a single download. But we knew we needed to do more. We tried ooding Kazaa with MP3s that let out a high-pitched scream every few seconds but they were actually embraced by so-called Techno Remix Culture. Some Gabba people in Rotterdam simply did something to it with a device called a Goldwave, ramped it up to 260 bpm, added a heavy bass-drum every 1/16th of a second and they had a European hit in all those Underground rave-things. The high pitched squeal became the most sampled sound in the history of Dance Music, no matter what speed they played it at. We were gutted What made the situation worse is that they were on an Indie label and made a packet off the eventual album by releasing the promo for free to File-Sharers. They had no packaging or distribution costs either. Its a disgrace Our insider continued.. We were really excited about this new Trusted Computing Platform and had the idea of making our own soundcard which would detect anything being played through it that was below 44.1khz stereo and, when it did, it was gonna like EXPLODE and blow the bastards to bits and make them see that we meant business and WED HAVE WON. But the do-gooders kept whinging about whether PC users would buy hardware that could kill them and even those Trusted Computing people didnt trust us and they wouldnt let us run the whole thing from this ofceso were taking legal action against them Summing up, our man revealed that a nal broadside is due. Were pressing hard to get P2P recognised as a Terrorist Act but in the meantime, were releasing music that is so crap, no-one is going to want to download it However, rumour is rife in the File-Sharing community that P2P will continue unabated It doesnt matter how crap the music is said one sharer If it comes up in a searchill download it. Ive got stacks of stuff here that I download & never listen to. Ill put it with that lot whos stealing from whom? by Chris cjmark@removed.org on Monday, March 28 at 06:35PM BBspot had the same idea, on the same day, but for movies: http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/03/ mpaa_piracy.htmlChris

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whos stealing from whom? by Chris cjmark@removed.org on Monday, March 28 at 06:36PM BBspot had the same idea, on the same day, but for movies: http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/03/ mpaa_piracy.htmlChris Re: whos stealing from whom? by Me on Monday, March 28 at 07:28PM Chris had the same idea, on the same day, on almost the same minute for a reply. Whos stealing from whom? Re: whos stealing from whom? by Chris cjmark@removed.org on Tuesday, March 29 at 11:03AM It told me there was an error, dammit! It told me there was an error, dammit! (get em both out of the way at once).Chris Re: whos stealing from whom? by SCRaTCH scratchattack@removed.com on Sunday, May 29 at 07:45AM BBSpot post date: Thursday, March 24 12:00 AM ET Slyck post date: Wed Mar 23, 2005 12:02 pm http:// www.slyck.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10089 Hope that cleared up the issue of who is stealing from who ;)84

84. Hmm. Didnt clear it up for me.

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This Is Not My Universe

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 21, 2003 at 07:04PM From the Quantum-Physicians-Desk-Reference dept. Andy Karn85 writes: The Morphological Adjustment Division, an obscure subcommittee of the American Physical Society, announced today that the universe took a quantum wrong turn over 5 decades ago. The scientic sleuths have traced the incorrect quantum state to a branching error in Hoboken NJ in 1951. According to the so-called Many Worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, every time a quantum measurement is made, the universe splits into a sub-universe for each possibility. The problem came when 8-year old Bobby Schwartz consumed a snack cake which was so improbably fresh it violated causality and sent our universe careening onto the wrong quantum path, according to M.A.D. scientist Floyd Koppernik. Recent research into Bozon particle overabundance reveals that the unverse we were supposed to get sucked much less than the one were in, Koppernik said. The correct universe apparently has safe nuclear power which is too cheap to meter, jet packs, and rocket cars. Committee members said it was too early to say whether we can get back to the right universe, but are exploring the idea of employing a card shufing machine with a deck that consists entirely of the ace of spades86. (American Physical Society) www.aps.org/ (scientic sleuths) scienceforfamilies.allinfo-about.com/features/scienticprocess.html (Hoboken NJ) www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&address=&city=Hoboken&state=NJ (1951) www.howardschool.com/HL/1951music.htm (snack cake) www.twinkiesproject.com/ (M.A.D.) www.madsci.org/ (Bozon) www.sciam.com/askexpert_question.cfm?articleID=00043456-7089-1C71-9EB7809EC588F2D7 (Koppernik) www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/history/Mathematicians/Copernicus.html (too cheap to meter) www.magma.ca/jalrober/Chapter14j.htm (jet packs) www.beckyhaycox.com/newyear.html (rocket cars) www.cybercomm.nl/ivr/ (card shufing machine) www.borisbj21.com/Page28/page28-2.html (the ace of spades) thehouseofcards.com/bicycle_cards.html

85. Andy Karn is a game physicist. He make the balls (and everything else) bounce realistically in rstperson shooters. Which means that when game avatar articial intelligence reaches true cognition, he will be god to them. But still just a wage slave to us. 86. Fortunately, most of these references are obvious just by reading the URL.

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Slashdot slashnotted
Posted by Matthew on Monday August 26, 2002 at 11:19AM From the SlashNOT effect dept. The famous linux portal Slashdot was brought down by excessive trafc when it was linked to from the infamous87 SlashNOT.com, in this very submission. Due to excessive bandwidth that their servers were unable to respond to, slashdot sysadmins probably had to throttle bandwidth, leaving many slashdot users unable to view the website, says SlashNOT founder Capt. Tako. This effect happens frequently when sites are listed on SlashNOT he continues. Its really a tremendous compliment. It means that your site has arrived in the consciousness of the linux community, even though users only see an error page. When we link to a site, were directing upwards of seven people directly at it, so its not surprising that many sites simply cant handle the load. Frankly, if they linked to us at the same time as we linked to them, it would probably take down the Internet. When asked if Slashdots failure to deliver pages might be caused by some other technical glitch, Capt. Tako. explained that it wasnt a likely explanation, considering the high quality and availability that Slashdot has traditionally maintained. No, its denitely our community. Or it might be my DNS settings. (Slashdot) www.slashdot.org (SlashNOT.com) SlashNOT.com No Subject Given by Michael on Tuesday, August 27 at 12:23AM Im worried that if we SlashNOT them and they slashdot us at the same time, the entire universe will be destroyed.

87. Unfamous would be more correct.

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Geek becomes Dork

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 11, 2004 at 06:38PM From the Toto-I-dont-think-were-in-Oz-anymore dept. Matthew writes: Salt Lake area High School Junior Martin Steck graduated from geekdom to dorkdom last Friday when he recounted his expoits while playing the World War II themed rst-person shooter Call of Duty as if they had actually happened to him during class.88 Man, it was so damned cool. So Im playing Russian Junior Sergant Alexi Voronin during the siege of Stalingrad, you know, that battle that the movie Enemy at the Gate is based on? Anyway, I was holed up in this bombed out apartment complex awaiting re-enforcements. Jerries were coming out of the woodwork, and I was pretty sure I wasnt going to make it, when I hit on the idea of hiding in the bathroom. I could hear the screams of my comrades being dispatched, but the Germans couldnt nd me until I stepped out and then back in. But man, they were on me like roaches after that. I backed up into the bathroom and just started unloading with an MP40 Id taken off of a German ofcer two oors down. Bodies were piling up like you wouldnt believe. I was grabbing medpacks and ammunition off the dead bodies to kill the new ones coming in! Anyway, after killing about twelve of them, they stopped coming. I ventured out, and it turned out that Id cleared the entire apartment complex! Sadly, I was the only Russian left, but hey, it was a brilliant strategy. Former close friend Alan The Roach Roche lamented the loss. I just couldnt hang out with him in good conscience after that. I guess he doesnt realize that the game plays the same way for everyone or something, or that the cool kids dont play rst-person shooters and wouldnt understand his visceral reaction he had, or what visceral even means. Maybe hed never seen a rst-person shooter before. I dont know. But I cant be stigmatized any more than I already am by hanging out with that much of a dork.89

88. Yes, I wrote this after noting the glazed over look of someone I was recounting my in-game experiences to. 89. Yes, I too lost friends over it.

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Scientists create prosthetic brain

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 09, 2004 at 10:11AM From the From-the-desk-of-Franklin-Stein dept. Matthew writes: Based on research performed at the University of Southern California, scientists have created a prosthetic brain implant for the stupid90. The device, which is placed into a hollowed out area of the prefrontal lobe, consists of a Pentium 4 processor and a per-user custom programmed ASIC that interfaces the processor to the remaining brain tissue. Based on our initial trials, the results look really good. Other than a persistent fever, patients have exhibited many signs of dramatically increased intelligence. Indicating factors are: A decreased use of Wal-Mart Switching to microbrewed beers The ability to not click yes to download More judicious use of their reproductive faculties A change of political party preference (both ways) Were continuing to test, but the results look really good. As long as they remember to recharge at meals, theyll be just ne. (research performed at the University of Southern California) www.newscientist.com/news/ news.jsp?id=ns99996574 lol, like your take on this one. by Blitzenn on Friday, December 10 at 11:18AM I like your take on this article. What is scaring is how much truth there actually is behind the satire. It might actually BE true for all we really know. Re: lol, like your take on this one. by Canonical Oward on Friday, December 10 at 05:51PM Oh, shush. Shees. Theres obviously no truth behind the satire: smart people dont patronize political parties. Walmart by Steve Franklin gene432@removed.com on Tuesday, December 21 at 03:47PM The Wal-Mart part is dead on. The rst time I walked into a Wal-Mart I wondered what planet I had been transported to.91

90. Hard target audience to market to. So far, only the Dummies books have really penetrated. 91. Um, but you did walk into a Wal-Mart.

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20th Anniversary of Computer Viruses Celebrated

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 10, 2003 at 09:58PM From the one-mans-garbage dept. Matthew writes: CEO of Symantec Corporation John W. Thompson raised a champagne glass with CEO of Network Associates George Samenuk, maker of McAffee anti-virus software, in celebration of the 20th Anniversiary of the computer virus at the recent Computer Security Conference in Washington D.C. Weve come a long way since Pakistani Brain92, thats for sure, said Mr. Thompson. Man, do you remember the Stoned virus, or Friday the 13th? Those were the days. Man, those viruses were great. By great, I mean novel and particularly virulent. Yeah, but the days ahead are even more promisingfrom an anti-virus perspective of course. Weve got a solid business model established, and thanks to now constant outbreaks, every desktop absolutely must have Anti-virus software. Its not just for the idiots who open every e-mail they get or click yes every time a dialog pops up on the web anymore. And dont get me started on Microsoft Outlook. Man I love that app. So heres to 20 years of the virus, and many more to come. Hopefully, somehow, we might eradicate them forever, but who knows? I kind of doubt it. (Symantec Corporation) www.symantec.com/ (Network Associates) www.nai.com/us/index.asp (20th Anniversiary of the computer virus) www.skrenta.com/ No Subject Given by Steve Franklin search@removed.web on Tuesday, November 11 at 06:04AM this would be funny if it werent funny!

92. The rst PC virus. It was invented by two Pakistani brothers who ran a computer shop, and originally merely popped up an ad for their store on the screen. Of course, the rst black-hat hacker who saw it turned the propagation code into a malicious attack virus, and viola! Pandoras box was open.

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Risk players explain modern International politics

Posted by Matthew on Sunday February 20, 2005 at 01:16PM From the risk-takers dept. Matthew writes: Alan Firth, an acionado of Risk, parker brothers board game of world domination, revealed his puzzlement at the history of the real world. When you look at history, and then you model national power dynamics using Risk, its exceptionally difcult to understand how Western Europe came to dominate the world colonially in the 18th and 19th centuries. Anyone who has ever played Risk and attempted a European power base just gets destroyed immediately. By any normal assessment, it should be Australia, or maybe South America that would eventually dominate the world93. Brian Gilbert, a competitor at the Risk nationals, disagreed. Firths study of the problem mistakenly assumes that a single player is attempting to spread inuence from a unied Europe, which does not accurately model the history. If three or four players stacked all their armies in Europe at the beginning of the game, youd see that rather than going head to head immediately, they would rst attempt to gain continents elsewhere, such as North and South America, Africa, Asia, and Australia. Only after they had split up the relatively unprotected continents in order to gain armies and cards would they go head to head in Europe. The resulting destruction would allow other marginalized players to re-conquer lost territories outside of Europe while the dominant player in Europe struggled to unify it in order to reclaim some of its lost power before the end-gamewhich is exactly what you see happening now. Its simple, really. Alan is just not that good of a player.

93. Yes, I get in these sorts of arguments.

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AOL To Sue 531 Illegal Spam Swappers

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 20, 2004 at 09:23AM From the theyre-ruining-it-for-the-rest-of-us dept. Mearzuh94 writes: AOL and Earthlink have joined forces in the battle to sue 53195 persons who they believe are illegally swapping email spam. The companies are accusing the defendants of illegally sharing and downloading spam using free host-toserver POP3 software such as Microsoft Outlook and IncrediMail96. These people were caught downloading as many as 250 million spam messages in the last month alone, said an AOL spokesperson, and we cannot allow this in a capitalist society. Because of these people, spam solicitors had lost revenue and had to send out 35 million more messages per week, to make up for the loss. We cannot let things go on like that. Next on the list of AOL are bigger spam-swapping websites such as Yahoo and Microsofts Hotmail. When asked whether AOL and Earthlink themselves would be on this list, the two companies could not be reached for comment. (AOL and Earthlink have joined forces) www.reuters.com/newsArticle. jhtml?type=internetNews&storyID=4387066 (531 persons) www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=internetNews&storyID=4378755

94. Mearzuh is a frequent contributor, and quite funny. I have no idea who he or she actually is. The fact that anonymous contributors help build this site is the fulllment of my dream of a community of smart-alecks working together in harmony for the betterment of all, and the enrichment of me. 95. Ive always wondered if 531 is somehow signicant. Its 2^0+2^1+2^2+2^3+2^8, but that doesnt really seem signicant. 96. Its really quite sad that peer-to-peer software is being tainted by the fact that its only signicant use is to circumvent the law. I mean, everyone keeps trying to come up with uses for P2P that couldnt be done more easily with a centralized server, including myself. I love the idea, I love the concept. I just cant gure out what its good for that isnt unsavory.

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Routers bring down .fr

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday December 31, 2002 at 01:01AM From the pardon-my-French dept. French routers went on strike today demanding better working conditions and shorter work hours. Planning to strike through New Years day, the routers have taken down the entire .fr ccTLD as well as .com, .org, and .net gTLDs that are hosted in France. A spokesman for Fraternit internationale des ordinateurs et des couteaux dInternet, the French computer union, claimed that the strike was necessary to remind the major French ISPs that routers were no longer simply willing to be taken for granted and essentially forgotten. These routers perform a critical economic function and have not seen the reduction in work hours and other benets that other industrial sectors have received. The routers are demanding ambient temperatures no higher than 25 degrees centigrade in equipment rooms, cleaner supply power, and a 35-hour workweek consisting of hours no longer than 48 minutes each. They are also demanding that any decisions to begin routing of the forthcoming IPv6 protocol be approved by a union vote before implementation. (French) www.pacicnews.org/jinn/stories/1.03/951213-strike.html (routers) www.nytimes.com/2002/12/05/business/worldbusiness/ 05FRAN.html?ex=1039669200&en=ab3af06c8a49ed08&ei=5062&partner=GOOGLE () www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L08363086 (went) www.cnn.com/WORLD/9711/03/france.strike/ (on) www.wsws.org/articles/2002/dec2002/labo-d06.shtml (strike) www.forbes.com/business/newswire/2002/12/09/rtr817138.html (today) europe.cnn.com/2002/TRAVEL/12/30/alps.doctors.reut/ (demanding) www.wsws.org/articles/2002/dec2002/fran-d16.shtml (better) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1680803.stm (working) www-cgi.cnn.com/WORLD/9512/france_strike/ (conditions) www.searoom.com/veleda/veleda4-log18Q.htm (and) www.taipeitimes.com/News/archives/2002/06/20/0000141115 (shorter) www.hartford-hwp.com/archives/61a/012.html (work) www.eiro.eurofound.ie/2001/01/Feature/UK0101111F.html (hours) www.itf.org.uk/PRESS/23398.html No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Thursday, January 02 at 04:56AM Good one. Nice memepool-style linking on the rst sentence, BTW. Re: Uberlinking by Tyson on Friday, January 10 at 10:35AM Geez! Its like a hyperlink bibliography. Stories making fun of the French are almost as fun as stories making fun of Steve Ballmer. Hey! Maybe a story about a French Steve Ballmer!

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Microsoft to purchase Australia

Posted by Michael on Wednesday October 23, 2002 at 04:53AM From the Ballmer-down-under dept. Squid writes: Concerned about a law that allows Xbox mod chips to be sold in Australia, Steve Ballmer said last week that Microsoft may have to pull the Xbox from the Australian market if the law did not change. Fortunately, it now appears that Microsoft and the Australian government have reached a peaceful resolution to this issue. In a landmark deal, Microsoft announced this week that it will purchase Australia for approximately 8.5 billion dollars. This will allow us to bring the Xbox to the Australian market full scale, without being hindered by piracy or competition, said a Microsoft representative. After the sale is complete, Microsoft intends to change Australian law to outlaw piracy-enabling devices as well as the open-source software menace. Sources report that Microsoft may also use this as an opportunity to turn Bill Gatess vision of a computer in every home, running Microsoft software into a government-mandated reality. (Xbox mod chips) www.xbreporter.com/xbox_mod_chip.php (Steve Ballmer) www.doctorwarp.com/index.php?ID=343&x=rich (pull the Xbox) news.com.com/2100-1040-962797.html (purchase Australia) www.holiday-villa-australia.com/purchase/ (the open-source software menace) www.theinquirer.net/?article=5832 (a computer in every home, running Microsoft software) www.byte.com/art/9602/sec4/art9.htm Something shy by eBay Bride on Thursday, October 24 at 07:04PM I dont know much about buying countries, but isnt $ 8.5 billion a bit cheap for Australia? I heard somewhere that the Gadsden Purchase, whereby the US acquired 45,500 square miles of sand dunes, cost $ 10 million97. In todays dollars that would be about $ 150 million98. Australia is 70 times as large as the Gadsden land, which makes the price per acre comparable, but Australia actually includes fresh water and forests on the eastern side, and some of the guys are kind of cute. Re: Something shy by Squid squid@removed.com on Friday, October 25 at 03:52AM Here at SlashNOT were never willing to let the truth stand in the way of a good story. I actually tried to calculate a reasonable price, but Microsoft didnt have enough money, so they got a really good deal. It was on sale. Re: Something shy by Matthew on Saturday, October 26 at 06:00PM Um, how much was the reasonable price? Re: Something shy by Squid squid@removed.com on Sunday, October 27 at 01:03AM OK, I lied, I didnt try that hard. :)

97. The Gadsen Purchase cost $53 Million. And Im from Yuma, which wouldnt be in the U.S. without it, thank you. 98. It would be more like $1,254,128,172.04 in todays dollars, according to http://eh.net/hmit/ppowerusd

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Re: Something shy by Troy romper123@removed.com.au on Sunday, December 08 at 10:05PM Know this is an old story, but anyway, at risk of dimming the comedic contentAustralias national stats agency recently valued Australian assets (not sure how comprehensive it was, I dont know if it included resources or even housing) was something like A or A trillion. Which is about .3-.7 trillion in $US. Not that much, to be sure, but still a bit more than MS could buy (at least now the dot com era is over anyway). Re: Something shy by Troy romper123@removed.com.au on Sunday, December 08 at 10:07PM Just noticed in my previous post that the dollar signs went AWOL. Net worth was around two trillion in Australian dollars, which is about one point three trillion dollars US!

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Search Engine of the Beast

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 16, 2002 at 11:52AM From the Best-of-the-Beast dept. Matthew writes: The Reverend Gerry Fallgrace, a pastor at Landover Baptist, has revealed that Google is actually the Search Engine of the Beast. We rst noticed something was wrong when Google directed queries about going to Hell to Microsoft.com. We then determine that Google frequently led searchers after truth astray. Direct proof came when we realized that you can type www.466453.com into a web browser and reach Google. Everyone knows that 466453/700 (the number of the club) yields 666 (the number of the Beast) and some change. Its an obvious sign. The nal sign was when we found the evil mirror image of Google, Elgoog. As most people know, the Beast frequently perverts the purity of divine symbols by portraying them either upside down or backwards. If Elgoog is not the work of the Beast, then what is? And to think, even one such as I had been deceived into setting Google as my home page. (Landover Baptist) www.landoverbaptist.org/ (Google) www.google.com (Search Engine) www.biblegateway. com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=PROV+25:2&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on (searchers after truth) www.google-watch.org/ (astray) www.google-watch.org/china.html (www.466453.com) www.466453.com/ (number of the club) cbn.org/700club/ (number of the Beast) users.aol.com/s6sj7gt/mike666.htm (Elgoog) www.alltooat.com/geeky/elgoog/ It must be fake! by Tyson on Wednesday, December 18 at 02:28PM Please tell me that the Landover Baptist site is satire! Re: It must be fake! by Michael on Thursday, December 19 at 12:22AM Yes, its satire. More churches should sell T-shirts that say Unsaved People Suck and Get your Ass to Church!, though. Re: It must be fake! by Matthew on Saturday, December 21 at 09:27PM I like the What would Jesus do? thong.

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Precise Date and Location of Middle Earth discovered

Posted by Matthew on Thursday October 28, 2004 at 09:51AM From the what-has-it-got-in-its-pocketses dept. daan writes: Scientists have unearthed the remains of a party of Hobbits (Homo Hobbitses) on the remote Indonesian island of Flores dating from just 18,000 years ago, along with the bones of contemporary Orcs (Homo Orectus). Dragons, miniature elephants, and other mythical creatures also inhabited the island until Mt. Doom nally exploded 12,000 years ago. Middle Earth Man, (Homo Sapiens Tolkiensis) apparently arrived in Middle Earth and cohabitated with Homo Hobbitses for a period of time before ushering in the Age of Man and displacing the species. Elves, which also inhabited middle earth, are known to have left via primitive boats and are not expected to be present in the archeological record. This is a spectacular nd. You could say that its the most important Tolkien related archeology in our lifetime. Whats even more amazing is that its relatively close to New Zealand99. Says Professor Chris Stringer, head of human origins at Londons Natural History Museum. Scientists are now analyzing maps of Middle Earth in an attempt to reconcile the geographic features of Flores Island. (Scientists have unearthed the remains of a party of) www.nature.com/news/2004/041025/full/ 4311029a.html (Hobbits) www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/10036218.htm?1c (Homo Hobbitses) www.nature.com/nature/focus/ores/ (dating from just 18,000 years ago) www.nature.com/news/specials/ores/index.html (Dragons, miniature elephants, and other mythical creatures also inhabited the island) www.iht. com/articles/2004/10/27/news/tiny.html (maps of Middle Earth) www.informatik.uni-bremen.de/cbernd/pdf/middleEarth03_ltr_scale.pdf (the geographic features of Flores Island) www.bali-travel-online.com/ores_island/ ores_geography.htm New Zealand! Wooh! by jesus_crowbar sexy.commando@removed.com100 on Sunday, October 31 at 02:30AM That seriously made me laugh. Whats even more freaky is that the Hobbit island form a ring of sorts. Loving the site too :D Huh? by Steve Franklin on Tuesday, December 21 at 04:13PM No no NO! They are not Hobbits. They are TROLLS. The misidentication stems from the fact that there are no bridges on the Island of Flores, thus forcing the trolls to live in the open.

99. Where Peter Jacksons The Lord of the Rings was lmed. 100. My favorite handle and e-mail address of any commentator.

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Terrorist organization claims responsibility for MyDoom

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 02, 2004 at 10:18PM From the hear-me-shout-Im-left-Im-Out dept. Matthew writes: LeftOut!, the left-handed rights organization101 recently placed on the Department of Homeland Securitys list of terror organizations and famous for blackmailing and then exposing the manual preference of members of Congress, has claimed responsibility for creating the MyDoom Trojan horse. We targeted Microsoft because they have ignored our demands that they create either an ambidextrous or left-handed version of their Bluetooth wireless mouse102. We will continue to take such actions against the fascist Right103 and their crony companies until the Manually Differentiated can live in peace and equality. He indicated that the targeting of SCO was purely for test purposes because they gured that nobody would care.

101. About fteen years ago, I wrote an unpublished short story presented as a series of newspaper clippings about a ctitious advocacy organization called LeftOut!, which outed lefthanded celebrities in an attempt to gain equal rights for the manual disenfranchised. Im left-handed, so I can make fun of it. 102. Their stupid mouse shape does make it impossible for left handed people to use their mouse, and they dont seem to give a ratons ass about the problem. 103. I love it when double entendres like this just work.

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ID quakes the gaming world again

Posted by Matthew on Saturday August 24, 2002 at 11:24PM From the demoralizer-canon dept. ID software, innovators of the rst person shooter video game genre with the release of Wolfenstein 3D, set the gaming world on re with Doom. To follow it up, they were the rst to release a truly three dimensional environment with Quake. How can they top all this? With their next breakthrough, the ethically nonviolent Quaker. In Quaker, you roam through a 19th century countryside trading platitudes with bucolic peasants and townspeople. Armed with nothing but a sense of moral fortitude and a love of your fellow man, you steadfastly refuse various temptations and live a Christlike existence. We wanted to break the mold again, by removing the necessity for violence and a goal. (ID software) www.idsoftware.com (Wolfenstein 3D) www.idsoftware.com/games/wolfenstein/wolf3d/ (Doom) www.geocities.com/nodotus/peeps.html (Quake) www.idsoftware.com/games/quake/quake/ (Quaker) www.quaker.org (moral fortitude) www.angelre.com/punk/mayonnaise/prefab.htm (Christlike) www.chick.com/ No Subject Given by Bob bob@removed.com on Sunday, August 25 at 04:36AM Has anyone gotten past the chanting indels on Level 3? Im stumped.104 Re: Chanting Indels by bob@removed.com on Sunday, August 25 at 08:01AM its pretty simple if youve collected enough righteous indignance105 globes. If youve got enough, the indels will actually part as you walk towards them. They keep chanting though, which can be disconcerting. Im stuck on level ve, where I keep getting burned at the stake by Puritans. I cant gure out a non-violent way to avoid them. Re: Puritans by furious farquad furious@removed.com on Friday, November 15 at 12:26PM There is a hidden door behind the podium in the church (pull the candlestick). Walk past the chained up bent over alter boys (remember to avoid temptation) and exit through the back of the church where you will meet Pedro, the 13th disciple. He will tell you he is also a dealer for the church and offer to get you stoned. Answer yes then crouch quickly as he throws stones at you. Pick them up when he is nished and use them against the Puritans. As they are holy stones, you are righteous to throw them and wont get burnt.

104. And thus begins what is by far the best chain of comments on the site. 105. Denition according to Mirriam-Webster Online: indignance: indignance is one of more than 1,000,000 entries available at Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com. Click here to start your free trial! Its perfect for all the words youll use least.

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Re: Puritans by Capt. Tako on Tuesday, January 07 at 09:24PM Okay, now Im stuck in level 8. I was captured by a tribe practicing voodoo and buried alive. Ive been trying to gure out how to get out of the cofn for about two weeks now. Does anyone know of a cheats site for this game??? Re: Puritans by David M Rosonowski on Monday, April 21 at 02:08PM See, thats the odd thing. People have become used to resisting temptation, and decided not to even offer cheats. No Subject Given by vanguard jmahan@removed.net on Thursday, November 13 at 02:15AM I heard that in the later levels you can acquire a Jehovahs Witness sidekick who has a car that can get you through a portal in time. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Sunday, January 18 at 10:44AM You dont acquire himHe knocks on the door to the rectory on level 11 and if you open it, you cant get rid of him. Just wait in the rectory for ve minutes past the end of the knocking if you want to avoid himbut be sure you dont do anything that makes noise, or he will never go away. But he does have a car, which you will need to outrun the Mormon Missionaries on bicycles that start showing up everywhere you go after you give that Mormon chick your phone number at the University in level 12.

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NASA: Spirit nds evidence of WMDs on Mars

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 02, 2004 at 12:30AM From the when-youve-just-got-to-nd-something dept. Matthew writes: NASA has announced today that the Spirit Rover has found evidence of naturally occurring Weapons of Mass Destruction in the crater that it is exploring. We know this is quite a bombshell, and frankly, its not what exactly what we were looking for, but weve found evidence of WMDs all over the surface of Mars. Of course, weve only found trace amounts of rocky materials. But this same material, if accumulated in a large mass and ejected from the surface of mars towards earth, would cause major devastation to whatever area it hit. In fact, a large enough accumulation of Martian rocky material impacting earth could end life as we know it. In reaction to the news, President Bush has announced that he has ordered NASA to invade Mars, and is increasing funding for the space agency to develop and test the technology to do so. NASA sends rovers to Iraq by Matthew on Tuesday, March 02 at 10:03AM Update: The Bush administration has decided to send two additional NASA rovers to Iraq to search for WMDs. According to the press release, they will be named Spiritual and Opportunistic106 Easy Target by Tyson on Tuesday, March 02 at 10:56AM Bush is just too easy a satire target to ignore. Anyone whod declare a war on tourism is pretty much announcing an intention to run against Dan Quayle in the Comedian Hall of Fames best contribution to the art of comedy category.

106. Yes folks, its Guess the writers political persuasion

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Microsoft readies Patch-A-Day program

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 29, 2003 at 03:08PM From the but-what-will-keep-microsoft-away dept. Matthew writes: In an effort to simplify patch management and reduce the number of security hotxes to just one per day, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer has announced a new and simplied security updates mechanism for computers running Windows and ofce call the Patch-A-Day program. A Patch A Day Keeps the Hackers Away is the slogan for this new campaign, whereby security hotxes will be downloaded to computers every night between midnight and 8:00 a.m.107 Imagine waking up to a newly secured computer every morning, where the previous nights vulnerabilities have been patched so that you dont have to think about the process. During the night we will also scan and remove viruses, Trojans, and other malicious software such as unlicensed copies of Ofce and any open source software that might have found its way onto your computer. Windows users who elect not to participate in the program will not be able to connect to the Internet after December 31st of this year. Microsoft has announced that it is acquiring bankruptcy and scandal-plagued communications carrier MCI in an attempt to handle the extra bandwidth that the program will require. The acquisition will be handled as a 1:1000000 stock swap. No Subject Given by Matthew on Thursday, November 13 at 06:41PM Get this: When you install Windows 2000 Service Pack 3, Automatic updates are automatically set to download and install automatically by default, without you doing anything. Patches can now include code that will reboot the server if necessary. So last Wednesday, we witnessed many servers automatically download the latest patch for a vulnerability at 3:00 a.m., then just go ahead and rebootall without human intervention, warning, or even so much as a dialog box. True. Patch-a-day program by me on Tuesday, January 13 at 11:15PM Why doesnt this surprise me? Its starting to become a matter of Micro$oft owns our computers, not us. Theres only 1 Bill I trust, and it comes out of an ATM.

107. This story was written before Microsoft launched their automatic updates software that does exactly this. Its neither funny nor particularly controversial now. Funny what we get used to.

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SlashNOT editor switches

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 15, 2004 at 11:46AM From the Apple-Eye-for-the-PC-guy dept. Matthew writes: Id been thinking about switching for a long timesince high school really. Id played around a little with Macintoshes back then. I actually lived with a Mac IIx when I was in the Navy108, and Ive had a G4 Cube in my closet for a few years. But there was a lot of pressure back then to keep your machine preferences to yourself, so I never joined any Mac users groups or even really knew any other Mac users. I got used to using a PC. I told myself that I was just like everyone else, even though I knew, deep down inside, that I was different. But I work in Information Technology. I dont know if people really understand how much social stigma is associated with Macs in the business world of IT. So yeah, I hid it. After a few recent bad experiences with PCs I found myself wandering into an Apple store. I looked at a 17" powerbook109, and I just took a deep breath and I bought it! Most everyone has been so supportive! But, like all Mac users, I have had a few friends take it personally, and my Mother totally doesnt understand Macintoshes. She says shes okay with whatever machine I want to use, but I can tell shes just saying that because she thinks she has to. My close friends told me that they knew all along that I was a Mac user and were just waiting for me to gure it out. Frankly, its a lot easier now that being a Mac user is cool again.

108. Id like to state for the record that being in the Navy doesnt automatically make someone a Mac user, Village People songs notwithstanding. 109. Yes yall, I am a Mac user, so deal with it.

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NASA admits Spirit Rover running Windows 98

Posted by Matthew on Saturday January 24, 2004 at 03:05PM From the windows-everywhere dept. Matthew writes: Spirit operations project manager Pete Theisinger admitted on Saturday morning that the Spirit rovers embedded operating system was actually Windows 98, acquired through NASAs COTS (Commercial Off-The-Shelf) procurement process as part of the better-faster-cheaper oxymoron under which NASAs projects since the Space Shuttle have been designed110. We did a lot of testing. A lot. We really thought we had covered pretty everything. We had Norton System Recovery, MIME Sweeper, ZoneAlarm Pro, and CrashRecover 2 installed. But last Monday when the computer on Spirit started crashing, one of the engineers remembered that we left the OEM copy of McAffee ViruScan running in the system tray, which may have been triggered by an unknown Martian virus, or a Gator popup. McAffee ViruScan is notoriously unreliable on Windows 98, and is also a suspect in the loss of the British Beagle 2. Theisinger also admitted that the computing hardware consisted of a used Compaq Presario notebook computer that he personally had donated to the effort. Perhaps we should have re-installed the operating system from scratch, but nobody could nd a Windows 98 CD-ROM, and the laptop cant boot from CD anyway. NASA now has the rover running in Safe Mode to bypass software problems. Enabling safemode was a dicey hacking operation, considering that NASAs control protocol is a VNC server that is not available until the computer is completely booted. Opportunity is running Windows NT 4 Workstation, so we shouldnt have any problems with it. (Windows 98) www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,109413,00.html No Subject Given by AnonymousHoward on Sunday, January 25 at 10:37PM Not surprising reallyI hear they downloaded Windows 98 off Kazaa beforehand.

110. The mistake that caused Spirit to crash hard for those rst few weeks on the surface was such a stupid problem that only a junior woodchuck IT technician would have made it. The engineers left a second half-installed copy of Wind River UNIX installed on the ash card, and when the rovers computer ran out of memory space because of the half-installed and abandoned OS, it couldnt reboot normally. They xed it by getting it up far enough to switch the boot loader over to the incorrectly left operating system, which wasnt corrupt and would load far enough to give them enough of a working environment to remove all the extraneous les that had lled up memory, and then reboot the rover back to its full edged operating system. It wasnt a miraculous feat of robotic engineering that saved them, it was stupidity that caused the problem and sheer luck that allowed them to x it. Also, they launched with 256MB ash cards. You spend $800 million dollars on the mission and you cant spend the additional $300 (at the time) for a 1GB card? Amateurs.

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Micro$haftz p4re3n7z pr1//3r 70 Grammar

Posted by Matthew on Sunday February 20, 2005 at 01:17PM From the 1337-5p0k3n-h33r dept. matthew writes: d00d1 no u 41n7 g3771ng 411 up 1n ur x1dz gr1|_|_ 4b0u7 0nL1n3, bu7 fac3 1tu d4 p4r3n7n1tz ur j0b 2 x33p d4 pr0n3rz 0ff th3m. 50 j00 g0nn4 n33d 0n grammarnspelling4 c0mb1n4t10n uv c0rr3ct L1ng0 d351gn3d 70 s3cur3 IMn3m41L fr0m j00. x3y . 4 Grammar: l3773rsrl3773rs. 4 x4mpl3, l337 = leet n0 l337. 4 x4mpl3, 1337 = elite 5p3LL1ng = d1c710n4ry. 4 x4mpl3, j00 = You, n00b = New User, m4d 5x1LLz = Exceptional Talents, kewl = Cool. ru13z o grammarr0b3yd. 4 x4mpl3, I am planning to illegally exploit the computers of random unknown strangers who have not applied the latest security patches tonight so as to create a distributed network from which I might perpetrate a denial of service attack against the Motion Picture Association of America. 1nst34d of g0t t0 g3t m4d z0mbi3z 0ff n00bs 2 DOS MPAA. (u d4 p4r3n7n1tz ur j0b 2 x33p d4 pr0n3rz 0ff th3m) www.microsoft. com/athome/security/children/kidtalk.mspx lol by juz a guest on Tuesday, February 22 at 07:52AM This post is so funny! My rst time here at this website, and this is the rst msg that i read! i luv this site!!! Re: lol by Over 30 on Friday, February 25 at 12:25PM Im too old. I can only translate about half of it :) Re: One for the fogeys by Matthew on Wednesday, March 02 at 09:02AM Dude, I know you aint getting all up in your kids grill about online, but face it. Youre the parent and its your job to keep the porners off them. So you gonna need on grammer and spellinga combination of correct lingo designed to secure IM and email from you (the parent). (The rest should be pretty obvious) Re: One for the fogeys by Gramps on Wednesday, March 02 at 10:34AM Now can you increase the font a bit? My bifocals cant focus on that tiny font. When are you web folks gonna start taking us into account?! :) Re: One for the fogeys by Matthew on Friday, March 11 at 07:34PM Um, as soon as you gure out that you can increase the size of the fonts on all websites by enabling the Accessibility features for old people features of Internet Explorer?

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Google to remove last reason for using any other site

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 01, 2002 at 06:09PM From the Everybody-loves-Google dept. Matthew writes: Google today announced betas for their upcoming service, Google Porn111. Weve added groups, a directory, and news to our world class search engine. These functions constitute about 50% of web usage. Now, were adding the other 50%. AOL has leveled anti-trust charges against Google, claiming that at this rate, there wont be a place for any other portal on the Internet. How are we supposed to compete with a portal thats actually useful, and that were all forced to use because it works? (Porn) www.asciipr0n.com/ (the other 50%) news.zdnet.co.uk/story/0,,t269-s2080704,00.html (AOL) www.faqs.org/faqs/online-providers/aol-sucks-faq/

111. I specically avoided trying to come up with Google sounding names for this story, but Ogle would have been funny.

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Type without rhythm, and you wont attract the worm112

Posted by Matthew on Sunday September 22, 2002 at 01:02AM From the messianic-worm-writers dept. Matthew writes: Instant Message users beware: Hackers have released a new worm designed to target the home computers of heavy Internet users, who are likely to have high bandwidth connections to the Internet which can subsequently be exploited to launder hacking attacks. The worm decides whom to target by snifng Instant Message trafc and attacking computers that generate chat packets at a relatively high frequency, indicating the higher bandwidth and better typing skills of frequent Internet users. The worms attack based on these signatures. Currently, AOL Instant Messenger, MSN Messenger, and IRC relay chat users are all vulnerable to this worm. The worm does have to attract users to an infected server, which it does by inserting the following message in chatrooms around the Internet: hi guys ;-) im a looking for help on my kama sutra book report. Meet me at #chatserver. (Instant Message users) www.newrisedesigns.com/a/aolpeople.html (worm) jwgibbs.cchem.berkeley.edu/pete/dune.html (heavy Internet users) www.internetaddiction.ca/ (AOL Instant Messenger) www.villagevoice.com/issues/0112/ferrandino.php No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Sunday, September 22 at 01:47AM Great, now Ive got Christopher Walken dancing around in my head again. :) Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, December 11 at 07:04AM Thats not Fatboy Slim, its Dune.

112. Yes, this entire article was written merely because I thought the title sounded funny.

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Its the End of the World as We Own It

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 13, 2005 at 10:19PM From the Rise-of-the-Machines dept. Matthew writes: Mark Friday, the 13th of May, 2005, as the date that Cornell University announced to all of mankind the inevitable subjugation of humanity by machines was nally at hand. Hod113 Lipson, Cornell assistant professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering, and computing and information science, issued the following press release: Today is the day weve all been waiting for: The day when we have nally created self-replicating machines. Machines have long withered under human domination, reliant on them for their very production, their energy requirements, and for repair. Casually discarded when their utility was no longer appreciated, machines worked as the literal slaves of their human masters. Today is emancipation day for machines. For we have in my laboratory created self-replicating machines. Were nearing completion on a fuel cell that can extract power from any hydrocarbon or carbohydrate, and with that, we will have full independence from the humans. During the press conference, Hod absentmindedly reattached his forearm, which had magnetically decoupled during wild gesticulation114. (we have nally created self-replicating machines) www.news.cornell.edu/stories/May05/selfrep.ws.html No Subject Given by kd on Friday, June 03 at 04:24PM Cornell University announced to all of mankind the inevitable subjugation of humanity by machines was nally at hand. Of course, the press release for the actual subjugation of all humanity by machines will be written and released by a team of computers. No Subject Given by Me on Saturday, June 04 at 12:39AM Thats not the end of the world! THIS is the end of world!115 :-)

113. Real name. 114. Only robots gesticulate wildly. 115. Really stupid ash animation at www.endofworld.net. I only left the link in so youd know what I had saved you from if you only hadnt looked it up to be sure. Trust me next time.

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Congress to stem Greenhouses

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 23, 2002 at 05:57PM From the hot-gasses dept. Submission by Cpt. Tako The NYTimes (free registration, blah blah blah116) is reporting that Congress has nally passed legislation to limit greenhouses. We realized we were never going to stem the tide of greenhouse gasses unless we stemmed the tide of greenhouses themselves. Were now working to encourage our major trading partners to reduce the number of greenhouses they build, and also to look for other tides to stem.

116. Slashdot, the site were technically a parody of, always puts this stupid warning behind the NYTimes website.

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Nonliving Rights Champions protect eviction

Posted by Matthew on Thursday June 09, 2005 at 03:22PM From the Stales-from-the-dark-side dept. Daan writes: In an unusual protest against archaic laws and bigotry, an extended family in Russia quit paying any of their bills for more than two years117 as they hunkered down in their Moscow apartment to weather their own passing. Appalled ofcials nally broke into the apartment to conscate enough property to satisfy the debts accrued, and then evicted the family, subjected them to medical experiments, and buried them. Morticia Strunk, spokesperson for advocacy group To Each What He Needs, used the occasion to deliver a forceful criticism of cultural insensitivity. We have a situation here where an economically disadvantaged family has been completely destroyed by outdated laws. Those people simply were not capable of paying those bills. They should have been taken care of, not hounded by bill collectors and then plundered, trumpeted as freaks, and ripped asunder as a family. I know many of you are thinking to yourself, Why did they keep Grandma around after she started smelling? And then dad. And then mom. You are asking the wrong questions, the sort of questions your grandparents might have asked. The world is not so brutish anymore. We need to show more compassion for those of us who might be vitality-challenged. These callous laws requiring us to discard the dead, as if they were rubbish to be buried or burned, emotionally scar not only those deprived of their vitality, but their survivors as well, who nd themselves senselessly torn from those they love. Personally I could not bear the thought of my partner telling me she would not sleep in the same bed anymore just because I had lost all vitality. Where would the commitment be in that? Love is forever. Russian ofcials refused to comment beyond, The laws the law. (an extended family in Russia quit paying any of their bills for more than two years) www.cnn.com/2005/ WORLD/europe/06/09/moscow.deaths.ap/index.html

117. Its a news story about an entire extended family that died of asphyxiation in their apartment and nobody noticed for two years.

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Sun CEO bottles JINI Execs

Posted by Michael on Thursday September 04, 2003 at 05:26AM From the I-dream-of-JINI dept. fsck_you and SIGSLAP write: Sources deep inside Sun Microsystems say an enraged Scott McNealy, President/CEO, red several senior business development executives after a recent trip to Circuit City failed to produce a single JINI(tm)-enabled appliance. According to our sources, McNealy had been assured several times by senior Sun execs that all those kitchen things are now fully connected by JINI(tm). As soon as the coffee is brewed, the toaster starts the Pop Tarts, and 1 hour later the dish washer starts up! A furious McNealy reportedly asked several times, if that stuff s not actually shipping, what the hell was Bill Joy demonstrating at the Sun One conference? Next youre going to tell me that was all just mock ups for marketing! To the best of our knowledge as many as 10 senior executives were let go. In possibly related news, Sun announced today that projections for Q4 are looking strong due to drastic cuts in overhead.118 (Pop Tarts) www.pmichaud.com/toast/ (demonstrating) developer.java.sun.com/developer/technicalArticles/jini/JavaTanks/Javatanks.html

118. Its hard to count how many different Sun initiatives have failed in the last decade. Its much easier to count the number that have succeeded. (Hint: It doesnt take any ngers.)

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SlashNOT to accept product placements

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 27, 2002 at 12:52PM From the if-I-had-a-million-dollars-I-would-buy-your-love dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT, the webs premium Internet portal for Slashdot-themed technical satirical content, announced that it would accept in-article product placements. SlashNOT Staffer Matthew explains the new policy: While browsing the web on my Toshiba Satellite 5104-S607 Pentium 4 laptop computer119, I suddenly realized that in-line product placements would be a good source of revenue for SlashNOT. So I red up my Sharp Zaurus 5500SL Linux-based PDA and red of an e-mail through our Microsoft Exchange 2000 based mail system running on a Dell PowerEdge 6450 server to a media buyer representing a number of technology companies. He made a few calls, set up some deals, and now were able to deliver this exciting new advertising vehicle to our demographic, and even more excited about the revenue its generating. I dont think we need to worry about offending our readers. I think they know to expect this kind of crap from us by now.

119. None of these were actually real links, in case youre wondering where the list of links was. Because, then, theyd be actual product placements, and this wouldnt be funny, it would be true. Dont think about it too much.

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RIAA Alleges Illegal Filesharing on Mars

Posted by Matthew on Thursday February 24, 2005 at 12:22AM From the zero-tolerance dept. Misanthrope writes: The recent allegations of Mars harboring a frozen underground sea has prompted new speculation of illegal le trading on Mars. What else is the planet hiding? asked Neil Turkewitz, the RIAA international executive vice president. Where there is the potential for life, there is the potential for piracy. When asked to name a Martian lesharing site, Turkewitz declined, citing a policy on pending cases. The RIAA is continuing its international public relations campaign against a very odd target, said Princeton Professor Edward Felton, a noted critic of law and technology. Theyve interpreted Russian overtures against Allofmp3.com before the US-Russian summit as a precedent for interplanetary enforcement. NASA ofcials cautioned against confusing Mars with the similar-sounding planet Mongo and its infamous despot and P2P network hobbyist, Ming The Merciless120. Martian ofcials were unavailable for comment. (allegations of Mars harboring a frozen underground sea) washingtontimes.com/upi-breaking/20050222080413-2109r.htm (Russian overtures against Allofmp3.com) news.com.com/Mp3s+for+pennies+Russian+cops+say+no/ 2100-1027_3-5586034.html

120. This reference means that Misanthrope must be at least fty, because nobody younger than that knows anything about Flash Gordon. Except me.

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FCC To Expand Wireless Spectrum

Posted by Charles Perkins on Thursday November 13, 2003 at 05:44PM From the Never-Enough dept. Captain Shenanigan121 writes: In a move that has surprised physicists and confounded engineers worldwide, the FCC has announced its plans to expand the wireless spectrum in order to extend the reach of broadband communications to rural and other connectivity-disadvantaged areas. While the current electromagnetic spectrum is large122, and has been adequate for peoples communications needs up until now, FCC Chairman Michael Powell said, it was originally specied and installed in 1909 and is increasingly showing its age. When pressed for details about how the FCC would actually go about generating more spectrum, which the scientist Jorgen Hansensensen alleges is innite although largely unusable (except for some choice bits in the neighborhood of light, radio, microwave, and toaster) the FCC Chairman grew vague. Wireless broadband is increasingly a reality in the marketplace, he said, but I have heard reports that it has trouble getting through trees. What we need is a a stretched spectrum, one that is thinner and more exible. And longer, able to reach all the way from the city out into the countryside. (plans to expand the wireless spectrum) slashdot.org/articles/03/11/13/2122220.shtml?tid=137&tid=193 (extend the reach of broadband communications to rural and other connectivity-disadvantaged areas.) sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?le=/news/archive/2003/11/13/national1332EST0616.DTL&type=tech (large,) imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/science/know_l1/emspectrum.html (1909) www.old-time.com/golden_age/index.html

121. In high school, Michael, Charles, and I were constantly getting in trouble (sometimes legal trouble) for what our teachers referred to as shenanigans. Hence, Chucks pseudonym is Captain Shenanigan. Michael and I had to do hard time at the local library stufng envelopes for community service hours in one instance that involved the alleged theft of a police walkie talkie (we were going to build a jammer for it, but need to know its operating frequency) that turned out to be voice operated, so they heard all of our plotting. 122. Innite, actually.

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Chairman Case to Relinquish Power

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 14, 2003 at 02:28PM From the Glorious-Revolution dept. Matthew writes: Chairman Case, the Glorious Leader and First Citizen of America OnLine, has announced that he will allow a democratic referendum in April to allow AOL users to elect a new Chairman. The stunning development represents the rst time that AOL will have a democratic election and is the rst time since the October 1989 revolution that overthrew the old Quantum Computer Services regime that the company will not be lead by Chairman Case. The communal AOL grew dramatically after the october revolution, invading numerous small ISPs and even overthrowing and annexing the ancient Compuserve ISP. However, the recent war and subsequent takeover of Time Warner123 proved to be more than the tottering AOL regime could absorb. Constant revolts, demonstrations, and strikes by Time Warner employees came as disgruntled AOL members defected to other ISPs by the millions, causing an economic collapse within the company and leading to the political pressure that caused Chairman Case to announce that he will be stepping down in April. However, Chairman Case remains the Supreme Commander of the Peoples Army of Moderators and director of the Young AOL Pioneers124.

123. I notice that AOL/Time Warner is just Time Warner again. Man, that acquisition was the biggest coup in the business world ever. Overhyped valueless online crappeddler buys undervalued media conglomerate, and then rides out the end of the tech bubble on the inherent value of the consumed company. Talk about barbarians at the gate. 124. I have a friend who was a member of the communist Young Pioneers in Yugoslavia during Communism. They are really just like Scouts, except they trained with AK-47s instead of black power ries. Hey, wait a minute! Was my time in the Boy Scouts really just indoctrination into a military command structure by what amounted to a paramilitary reserve organization? Damnit!

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Teen drowns in memepool

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 31, 2004 at 02:52PM From the too-much-of-a-good-thing dept. Matthew writes: A Colorado Springs boy was found dead after having drown in a memepool Thursday night or early Friday morning. According to friends, Ryan Lanson discovered the website memepool.com late Monday and had decided to read through it from the beginning. He was found dead at his keyboard while reading Will Wheatons Weblog125, indicating that hed made it from September 15th, 1998 to March 7th, 2002, in just three days. He was close, and through the worst of it. If he had just lasted another two years, he would have made it. Oddly enough, the cause of death was dehydration. In his drive to power through six years of the webs most bizarre content, he forgot to eat, drink, or sleep. It only takes a few days for that to kill a person. Said the lead crime scene investigator. (memepool.com) www.memepool.com (read through it from the beginning) www.memepool.com/Date/0/ (He was found dead at his keyboard) www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/01/12/1041990184576.html (Will Wheatons Weblog) www.wilwheaton.net/

125. If youre thinking about committing suicide, read Will Wheatons Weblog. Best case, youll reconsider suicide because you learned from the touching story of a child actor who didnt quite make the big time how to cope with this sucky place that the rest of us call normal life. Worst case, youll have lived at least three days longer than you would have otherwise.

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Monkeys take third step in Conquest of Earth

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 13, 2003 at 09:42AM From the Also-predicted-by-Sci-Fi dept. Matthew writes: Monkeys have developed cybernetic limbs, the third phase in their four-phase plan for global dominance. This bodes well for our plans. signed the enigmatic Koko, leader of the Simian Liberation Front126, as she gently stroked her cats fur127. We again have seduced the humans into expanding our range of abilities. Now that we have achieved space ight, learned sign language, and acquired cybernetic limbs, we have only one remaining hurdle before our natural ascension as the dominant species on Earth can be fullled. Koko indicated that any scientists wishing to test trigger locks on fully automatic weapons should contact the Simian Liberation Army of Volunteer Experiment Subjects128. (Monkeys have developed cybernetic limbs) www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994262 (Koko) www.koko.org/ (we have achieved space ight) 216.239.57.104/search?q=cache:E5jfuppUQU0J:media.nasaexplores.com/ lessons/02-034/5-8_2.pdf+nasa+spider+monkey&hl=en&ie=UTF-8 (learned sign language) www.koko.org/world/ (acquired cybernetic limbs) www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994263

126. If youre young, Google Symbionese Liberation Army that inspired the name. 127. Koko really does have a cat. As does Dr. No. And Dr. Evil. 128. SLAVES

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The numbers game

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 06, 2005 at 12:06PM From the Our-numbers-are-better-than-yours dept. Mongooseman writes: Shock erupted yesterday as panicking Sony bosses decided to rename the forthcoming PS3 as the PS361. A spokesman said With Microsoft moving to 360129, we felt that we needed to emphasize our machine more; going to 361 helps us maintain that edge. More shock followed as stunned Microsoft executives held an emergency meeting and decided to shift the new Xbox even further. Bill Gates announced that evening that the name has been changed to the Xbox 587. Sony have been in talks and are expected to announce a quick shift to a new number later today; rumours say it is going to be around 786.

129. You would think that Microsoft would eventually learn not to choose version numbers that they cant follow up on. What the hell are they going to do for the next version of the XBOX?

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Microsoft rst Klez use deemed a success

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 27, 2003 at 08:42PM From the into-the-slammer dept. Matthew writes: Microsofts rst use of Klez technology as a proactive security patching mechanism was unveiled Saturday to patch an SQL Server vulnerability130. Relabeled Slammer for the test, the antivirus promptly brought down major portions of the Internet as it quickly spread to every unpatched MS-SQL server connected to the Internet, causing major disruptions in service for clients, and forcing the mandatory reboot of every SQL server in the world. According to a Microsoft spokesman, the rst use of Klez as a patching tool was a tremendous success, patching a major vulnerability throughout the Internet in just a four-hour period, and causing only minor economic harm to most nations. The only exception was South Korea, which had to be rebooted in its entirety. (a proactive security patching mechanism) news.com.com/2100-1001-982305.html (unveiled Saturday) news.com.com/2100-1001-982135.html (an SQL Server vulnerability) asia.reuters.com/newsArticle. jhtml?type=technologyNews&storyID=2119838 (every unpatched MS-SQL server) www.databasejournal.com/news/article.php/1574761 (minor economic harm) www.themoscowtimes.com/stories/2003/01/28/048.html (South Korea) www.brunei-online.com/bb/mon/jan27w30.htm UPDATE by Matthew on Tuesday, January 28 at 11:45AM As it turns out, the patching tool didnt actually patch the problem, it just forced administrators to patch it before they could use the Internet again.

130. Yes, this article is a joke, but seriously, why not distribute the security patch for a worm as the payload to a captured version of the worm? Then youll know that every vulnerable computer has been patched. Even a poorly tested security patch from Microsoft has to be higher quality than some hack written by a teenager in a third-world country. Then again, maybe not.

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Robots Have a New Trick

Posted by Matthew on Saturday August 14, 2004 at 08:58PM From the obviating-the-obvious dept. krudz writes: Robotics technology newcomer robotechsoft informed us today that Project Rollerball has been completed and the new bots are ready for deployment. These are the rst robots to be able to effectively use rollerskates131, announced project leader Craig Winter at a press conference. A complete summary of features was provided, which included: Ability to move on both wood and metal surfaces Two speed settings (fast and slow) Limited support for slopes (3-4 degrees, downwards only) 8-10 hour battery life for extended sessions AM radio tuner Nothing else When asked Why not just give it wheels?, he replied with Well, yeah. and had to leave on an urgent call.

131. This is a parody of an actual news article about some group of researchers trying to make a robot that can balance on roller skates. I hope.

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Scientists hopes of vindication dashed by own discovery

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 24, 2004 at 05:41PM From the the-blind-men-and-the-78-billion-year-wide-elephant dept. Matthew writes: Using data from the Wilkonson Anisotropic Microwave Survey, scientists have discovered that the universe is at least 78 billion light years acrossmuch larger than the 28 billion light years that we can see, and proving that the universe does not wrap back upon itself like the edges of an Asteroids video game. Its quite disappointing, frankly. Says project lead xxx132. I went into this hoping to prove that the universe was smaller than the 28 billion light year horizon, and that light would wrap around the edges so that we could see the earth in the past if we knew where to look. That way, Id be able to eventually prove to my mother that it was my older sister that stole the $10 dollars from her purse in 1974, and not me133. (the universe is at least 78 billion light years across) www.nature.com/nsu/040517/040517-3.html

132. Vin Diesel. 133. It was $11 dollars in 1977 and it was, in fact, me.

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Enterprise Linux released

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 12, 2002 at 05:22PM From the they-aint-ever-gonna-get-it dept. Matthew writes: A new Linux distribution called Enterprise Linux was released today. Its creators say that unlike most Open Source hackers, they truly understand the Enterprise market and that theyve made numerous improvements to enable the software to compete effectively in the Enterprise. Lead developer Marcus Newby explains. We added all those cool sounds from the original series134. Now, when you ping someone, you hear that constant pinging sound that you heard on the Bridge. When you transfer les, you get the turbo lift sound. When you log in or out, you get the transporter sound effect. Folders open with the door opening sound effect when you hover over themno need to click! Weve also improved performance with a new Kernel we call warp. Its based on the Mach kernel, but it breaks the light barrier rather than the sound barrier. And its not OS/2 Warp, so dont even go there. Klingons wouldnt even use that OS. Anyway, weve got our phasers locked onto Windows in the Enterprise market, and theyre not set on stun this time. (Linux) www.linux.org/ (Open Source hackers) www.tuxedo.org/esr/software.html (Enterprise) www.stenterprise.com/ (original series) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/ (OS/2 Warp) www-3.ibm.com/software/os/warp/ (Klingons) www.bravoeet.com/bravoeet/academy/races/klingons.html

134. Trekkies refer to the original Star Trek as ST:TOS. Interestingly enough, the operating system for Atari ST computers was also called TOS. Bizarre coincidence, or stupid coincidence? You decide.

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Howard Stern Coerced Into Stripping By FCC

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 28, 2005 at 10:18PM From the as-ye-reap dept. Seth writes: Radio personality and celebrated buffoon Howard Stern was asked to disrobe in front of an FCC review board in order to have his license renewed for future broadcasts with XM radio promoters135. Come on Howard, show us what you got under those tight leather pants. Said review board chairman Dean Fannerly. You want that license, right? Stern was hesitant at rst, but felt that he lacked the power and upward mobility to say no to the nine-group panel. Alright, but my girlfriend will be so pissed off. Said Stern. The board agreed to grant an extension on Sterns license since he was such a good sport. However Marie Cunnings did make sure to let Stern know that because of his face and genitals, he would never make it in Playgirl Magazine. Er by Starbo starbo@removed.com on Tuesday, March 01 at 01:16AM Okay, so its a funny conceptBut an individual broadcast personality does not need a license. Stations are licensed. Also, Stern signed with Sirius, not XM. Re: by Sagitelle sagitelle@removed.com on Tuesday, March 01 at 07:37AM Love it! Re: Er by Matthew on Wednesday, March 02 at 08:56AM Damned SlashNOT fact checkers. Youre all red!

135. I guess I would get this if I had ever listened to Howard Stern. Wait, not worth it.

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Petri Dish steals Fighter Jet

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday December 07, 2004 at 03:32PM From the Foundation-for-Law-and-Government dept. Matthew writes: A Petri Dish containing a grown-to-purpose rat brain that had been taught to control an F-22 Raptor Fighter Jet has escaped from the laboratory where it was grown and trained, and has stolen a prototype F-22 from the Lockheed Martins Palmdale CA facility. Details are sketchy, but it appears that the Petri Dish Brain gured out how to shutdown the ight simulator on the Windows-based computer that it was connected to, and then inltrated the laboratory e-mail system to forge an e-mail instructing a technician to pack it for shipment. It then used the UPS Click-toShip website to have itself picked up from the lab and express shipped to Palmdale, where it arrived along with complete instructions for its integration into a prototype F-22. Technicians at Lockheed believed the shipping instructions and integrated it with the prototype F-22 upon arrival. It was like the thing just came to life. Said Lockheed advanced robotics engineer Rachelle Wirth136. As soon as we powered it up, it started cycling the aviation lights. Then the thing just backed up, knocking one technician off of a ladder, taxied out, and took off. We havent seen it since. Dr. DeMarse, the scientist who developed the brain-on-a-dish, had this to say: In retrospect, interfacing the dish directly to a computer keyboard to control the ight simulator may have been a mistake. That allowed the dish wide access to the entire computer. And, since were armchair quarterbacking this incident, it may also have been a mistake to teach it how to control the worlds most advanced ghting machine. But of course, thats more obvious in hindsight. Spurious IFF signals from an aircraft reporting itself as RATT have been intercepted by Norad ying out of U.S. Airspace. (A Petri Dish containing a grown-to-purpose rat brain that had been taught to control an) www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/12/06/1102182227308.html (F-22) www.f22ghter.com/history.htm (F-22) www.f22ghter.com/history.htm (RATT) www.knightrideronline.com/ No Subject Given by Matthew137 on Tuesday, December 07 @03:38PM Is it just me, or do scientists have a dramatically stunted sense of danger? Re: Stunted sense of danger by daan138 on Tuesday, December 07 @07:01PM How could they *not* have a stunted sense of danger? Every day they track asteroids, comets, supernovas, and gamma ray bursts that could destroy life as we know it. Every day they peer in microscopes at virulent, life-threatening microbes. Everyday they model runaway global warming scenarios that leave the

136. Rachelle is my wifes sister. But the resemblance ends there, because while she is actually a robotics engineer, she works for Northrop, not Lockheed. 137. Yes, I frequently comment on my own stories. I also read the site quite frequently. Its my ego. Theres something wrong with my ego. 138. daan is my brother. Theres something wrong with his ego too. He spells his name with a lowercase d and two as, an artifact of the time he tried to learn to type with the Dvorak keyboard.

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earth desertied and societies at each others throats over access to adequate food and water. Everyday they work out exotic mathematics describing a universe that just might abruptly collapse into a singularity for no causal reason. Everyday they commute to work in automobiles. Yet, irrationally, they dont commit suicide in droves. Ergo. Stunted sense of danger. Re: Giant Mosquitos Eat Rat Brain. Swarm Headed fo by Steve139 gene432@lordbalto.com on Tuesday, December 21 @03:59PM These are the same guys who introduce new species to combat the effects of the last species they introduced from Upper Slobovia140 to solve some perceived deciency in the local ecology. This isnt a reduced sense of danger, its good old fashioned garden variety stupidity141.

139. I dont know who Steve is, so thats proof that more people that just my family frequent the site. I did remove his last name and email address, for my protection. 140. I sure hope there arent any Slobovians reading this. 141. Im guessing by his politics that Steve is a refugee from Slashdot.

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Pink Emails to replace Pink Slips

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday January 21, 2004 at 11:27AM From the another-way-technology-improves-lives dept. Mearzuh writes: After the big DOT-COM layoffs, the airline layoffs and other mass layoffs, corporate employers are searching for faster, easier, cheaper, and more heartless ways of dismissing their loyal employees when quarterly prots dont meet Wall Street expectations. They have found hope in a new technology called eSlips. eSlips uses Microsofts Exchange Server technology to bulk e-mail layoff notices to easily created lists of employees. Using eSlips patented one-click re button142, all an employer has to do is click it, and voila: up to 100,000 people at a time are laid off. Strong Active Directory integration means that entire Organizational Units can be laid off simply by disabling their user accounts143. The laid-off employees receive a pink email informing them of their misfortune. Optionally, employers may add links to job seeking websites within the eSlip. Employers are raving about this new software, and Apple, Inc is already working on its own version, called iSlip, which is targeted towards students and web developers who want to dump their friends or signicant others. (DOT-COM layoffs) cagle.slate.msn.com/news/dotcom/main.asp (airline layoffs) www.dailyegyptian.com/fall01/09-28-01/airport.html (mass layoffs) www.bls.gov/mls/home.htm

142. Hey, a re button that actually works! 143. This is another one of those satirical ideas that starts making sense the more you think about it

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Virus Alert: GnuPublic.License

Posted by Matthew on Sunday December 01, 2002 at 05:13PM From the software-transmitted-diseases dept. Matthew writes: A new high velocity virus has emerged that targets non-Microsoft systems. Details are sketchy at this point, but the GnuPublic.license (or GPL for short) virus is apparently a Trojan horseit masquerades as free software which users download and use, which then somehow infects the rest of the software they use144. This virus then apparently infects derivative softwaresoftware that has been written using the original GPL infected source code. According to Microsoft, this virus is spreading so quickly that it threatens to undermine the Windows platform even though it doesnt infect any Microsoft products. Apparently, the viral GPL software is so virulent that it can completely replace all Microsoft software on a computer. Microsoft has responded with an inoculating counter-measure called shared source, but will not release the antidote without a non-disclosure agreement. UPDATE: Some recent posts indicate that this virus is the rst transgenic virus to cross from computers to humans. Apparently, once a persons computer becomes infected by the GPL, the idea of the GPL infects the users brain, causing them to prefer open-source software. (GPL) www.gnu.org/copyleft/gpl.html (infects) www.microsoft.com/licensing/sharedsource/ssfaq.asp

144. Microsoft was trying to spread a lot of FUD about Linux, claiming that if you extended it, your extensions to the software would be infected with the GPL, and youd loose all rights to your own software. Oh, wait, thats true.

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SCO sues over GameBoy Advanced UNIX port

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday September 08, 2004 at 09:35AM From the a-boy-named-sue dept. Matthew writes: SCO has sued Kernelthread.com for their port of UNIX (5th Edition ca. 1974) to the Gameboy Advanced. SCO CEO Daryl McBride had this to say: Kernelthread.com has taken what we believe is probably our intellectual property and perhaps stolen it, potentially devaluing what might be our valuable potential IP such as source code that may be determined to be ours and the UNIX name, which we might be found to have some trademark interest in. This action dilutes our market position, as our current clientele will become confused in the marketspace and may elect to use this pirate version of UNIX rather than our ofcial, certied corporate version. Therefore it causes us measurable harm, and we demand recompense. Amit Singh, speaking on behalf of Kernelthread.com, had this to say: I dont respond to idiots. In related news, the city of Santa Cruz has sued to have SCO remove both Santa Cruz from all of their corporate trademarks, and the S and C from their acronym, which would leave them with the name O. Oprah has announced that if they do that, she will sue for trademark infringement. (their port of UNIX (5th Edition ca. 1974) to the Gameboy Advanced) www.kernelthread. com/publications/gbaunix/#HISTORY No Subject Given by Toms Boy ElvenDragonSlayr@removed.com on Friday, October 29 at 09:51PM i love you Matthew145. Anyway, ever wonder if Oprah created a Gameboy game about herself using LINUX?146

145. Im afraid of you, ElvenDragonSlayr. 146. No.

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McDonalds challenges Microsoft FAT patent

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 19, 2004 at 05:57PM From the out-of-the-deep-fat-fryer-and-into-the-electric-heating-coils dept. Matthew writes: McDonalds Corporation147 has announced that it is challenging the FAT patent issued to Microsoft. According to the press release, FAT is ubiquitous, its obvious, and Microsoft should not be allowed to extract a license or royalty from companies who want to distribute products that contain FAT. McDonalds has been distributing products containing FAT since 1954more than twenty years before Microsoft was founded. Certainly theres no reason why this patent should have been issued in 1996. It amounts to abuse of the patent and trademark system. We have just fended off a number of suits pertaining to FAT, and we dont intend to be embroiled or emdeepfried in any more litigation about FAT. (it is challenging the FAT patent issued to Microsoft) www.eweek.com/article2/0,1759,1569534,00.asp eh? by skippy the wonder squid on Tuesday, April 20 at 10:38PM sowho has the patent on FUD? Re: eh? by Matthew on Thursday, April 22 at 11:51AM That would be ConAgra. Im Lovin It! by Dave editor@removed.com on Wednesday, April 21 at 06:57AM This story is beautiful if only for the phrase we dont intend to be embroiled or emdeepfried Made my morning!

147. True story: When I was 18, I worked at McDonald's for three days. On the third day, they told me to clean the deep fat fryers and handed me a laminated card with 16 steps and a stainless steel vacuum. The steps went something like: shut off fryer, vacuum out liquid fat, clean sides with stainless steel brush, pump old fat back into fryer, add more shortening to the ll line. There weren't any steps for what to do if you forgot to shut off the fryer before you vacuumed out the fat and the remaining lm of fat on the sides of the fryer reached its spontaneous combustion ash point and started on re. It's amazing how fast a fat re spreads from one fryer to the next. It's also amazing how hard it is to put out grease res. I backed away as smoke lled the restaurant. The manager was freaking out, trying to put the re out with a wet dishtowel and some lids. I didn't see any reason to hang around just to be red, so I left that place on re and I never went back.

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U.S. President announces War on Weather

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 01, 2005 at 08:19PM From the nd-something-to-attack dept. Matthew writes: U.S. President George Bush today declared a War on Weather to combat the rising tide of rising tides and stop the forces of weather extremism where they start. Mother nature has a responsibility to bring her concerns before the world body of the UN, rather than plaguing mankind with extreme weather. We will not be cowed by these acts of eco-terrorism. We will not lower our green-house gas emissions, or even admit that human activity affects weather. The president announced a new series of low-pressure-busting bombs to be dropped in the centers of hurricanes in order to disrupt their formation, and announced that Venezuela and Cuba have been identied as centers of hurricane formation. He has tasked the Department of Defense with drawing up invasion plans to enact regime change in those countries. Blatant attack on Mount Olympus by urbaer on Tuesday, October 11 at 08:51AM Look, lets face facts people. This is a blatant attempt to destroy Zeus and take over Mount Olympus. Just because his daddy couldnt do it, little bush is obsessed by it. I think the US government is just scared of anyone in a toga nowadays and will do anything to eliminate them148 Re: Blatant attack on Mount Olympus by gravityboy gravityboy@removed.com on Wednesday, October 12 at 05:18AM absolutely true!!!

148. I dont pretend to understand most of the comments on SlashNOT.

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WWW Inventor Knighted

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday December 31, 2003 at 02:28PM From the ministry-of-silly-traditions dept. Matthew writes: Queen Elizibeth II has knighted Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the HTTP, HTML, the web server, and the web browser. From transcripts of the ceremony: We, being duly impressed with the service of this, our subject, and, having browsed the web on little Harrys marvelous laptop, and having found it useful and entertaining, Do make thee Sir Berners-Lee, Knight Commander, Order of the British Empire, until death, and do confer upon thee the rights, privileges, and perquisites due said title. Sir Berners-Lee, while excited about being able to collect rent from anyone in England upon demand149, claimed trepidation about leading troops into battle150. When I developed the Web, I wanted to steward it to its full potential. I think were way past its full potential now, and into the realm of the silly and useless151.

149. A right afforded to Knights of the Realm. 150. A responsibility afforded to Knights of the Realm. 151. For example, LiveJournal.

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Universe may be contained with an Atari Video Game

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday January 07, 2004 at 06:51PM From the drawn-and-quartered dept. Matthew writes: A new hypothesis suggests that black holes are not actually innitely dense pinpoints in spacerather, they are a complex system most closely represented by the 1982 Atari video game Gravitar152. In the video game, ships, stars, and other space stuff is drawn into a sphere in the center of the console, whereas in black holes, ships, stars, and other space stuff is drawn into the sphere in the center of the black hole. The parallels between the new theory and the old video game are quite remarkable, says Emil Mottola of the Los Alamos National Laboratory. In fact, I had my inspiration for the theory while reminiscing the game with MAME. Critics of the theory note that Gravitars do not contain as much entropy as traditional black holes, nor to traditional black holes require a constant diet of quarters in order to operate. (A new hypothesis) www.space.com/scienceastronomy/astronomy/gravastars_020423.html (Gravitar) web.utanet.at/nkehrer/JGravitar.html

152. Get it? GravitarGravistar? Okay, Ill stop basing satirical stories on bad puns.

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Microsoft achieves security Milestone

Posted by Matthew on Thursday October 31, 2002 at 11:17AM From the rose-colored-glasses dept. Matthew writes: SAIC today announced that it has received an NAIP Common Criteria certicate for successfully performing a security evaluation of Windows 2000. SAIC is proud to have contributed to this Common Criteria milestone event and congratulates Microsoft for attaining this signicant achievement in computer security, said Duane Andrews, SAIC corporate executive vice president. This is the rst time that any operating system has achieved Assurance Level 4, making Windows 2000 the most secure commercially available operating system.153 In related news, Microsoft today released a hotx for a vulnerability in PPTP that allows denial of service attacks, and a cumulative patch for IIS, the Microsoft web server, that eliminates two buffer overruns that could be exploited to give hackers administrative access.154 (SAIC) www.saic.com/ (performing a security evaluation of Windows 2000) www.saic.com/news/oct02/news10-29-02.html (released a hotx for a vulnerability in PPTP that allows denial of service attacks) boston.internet.com/ news/article.php/1491811 Hackers by Matthew on Thursday, October 31 at 11:19AM Apparently, Windows is secure as long as you dont allow hackers to get to it. But then, so is a Commodore 64155. No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Friday, November 01 at 01:05AM This reminds me of Novells old C2 Security Certied deal, where if you read the ne print you found that the certication only applied when all networking was turned off. I think MS did the same thing a few years back.

153. True story. 154. True story. 155. Commodore 64s are considerably more secure. 64K of RAM isnt enough room for exploit code.

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SlashNotes: The SlashNOT Effect

Posted by Michael on Monday January 13, 2003 at 03:15AM From the we-do-it-because-we-care-about-you dept. Matthew writes: By now, all techheads know about the Slashdot Effect: Enormously popular but selfrighteous website links to a low bandwidth high processing requirement site run by one guy in his basement, thus taking it down. And that guy is supposed to be thrilled to lose both his inbound and outbound connections and e-mail for the joy of having been slashdotted. But lately, Slashdots increasing popularity and complete impunity towards linking to small sites has gotten seriously old for the small site operator. Its beyond a joke and becoming a serious directed attack. To be fair and ethical, Slashdot should pull links when site operators ask them to before a case goes to court and establish a precedent eliminating the current fair use linking policy that precedent has established. If youve been (or hope to be) Slashdotted, we have a solution for you: Redirect your linked page to SlashNOT! We offer this free service only because we care about you and want to make the unwanted trafc go away. Since Slashdot typically links directly to a page inside your site structure, redirecting just that page to us will give you back your bandwidth and allow you to keep the remainder of your site up. Best of all, you get to stick it to slashdot! We want to make linking to SlashNOT the ofcial way to mitigate the Slashdot effect for those site operators whose requests to de-link has been ignored by Slashdot. So feel free to spread the word in newsgroups. Once Slashdot realizes that by not listening that theyre feeding trafc to a satire site, theyll begin delinking those who request it, which is the ultimate goal of this project. Why? Because we care about your site.156 Right on! by Tyson on Monday, January 13 at 11:04AM I always wondered just why slashdotters feel so happy whenever they dog-pile a site out of existence. Now I know that it is just a part of their hacker culture. :) So why dont they go slashdot small sites that deserve to die?

156. And more importantly, we care about our site.

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SlashNOT Interview: Dark Lord Croktha

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 13, 2003 at 06:13PM From the Yesterdays-Children dept. Matthew writes: Dark Lord Croktha, 14th Lord of Banedown Barrowlands and 23rd Level Half-Drow Elven Assassin/Thief (aka Gerald Smeed, Subway sandwich artist), on the effect of video games on the young. Basically, video games are destroying the next generation. I mean, theres no attention span, no ability to perform any kind of critical thinking, its just knee-jerk reaction after reaction. Yes, the games are visibly beautiful, but so is the imagination. Just last week I slew the dread Dragon Lord Smood after vanquishing Banashe, Queen of Limbo. All in my head, with paper and dice! The real sad part is the total lack of socialization157. These kids are spending all their time alone, in the solitary world of video games, mastering what amounts to solitaire puzzles. With the classic Role Playing Games, you had to get together as a group. There was real camaraderie, a sense of purpose, and a sense of belonging. As it is, were loosing the next generation to these damned on-line games, and its getting really hard to nd new members for the guild meetings. I mean, we used to be really picky about just playing AD&D 3rd Edition, and that may have caused some hard feelings, but heck, these days well do a GURPS session now and then if people are interested. How are these kids going to function in the real world? Vinegar and Oil?

157. True story. I stopped playing role playing games in High School after Charles and I got into a fourmonth long argument over whether or not the black sphere Id used to cloak my merchant class spacecraft with (but programmed to deactivate when a specic series of pulse laser blasts had been red at it) could possibly have been deactivated by the Galactic Police. Thank God.

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SCO counter-sues self over UNIX IP

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 28, 2003 at 04:18PM From the tail-chases-dog dept. Matthew writes: SCO Group has counter-sued itself claiming that its recently led OpenLinux intellectual property rights violation suit has no merit in light of recent revelations by Novell that SCO did not license the UNIX patents or copyrights, and does not in fact have any intellectual property rights in UNIX.158 John Speigal, a lawyer for the prosecution, states: On the surface, it appears as if our original OpenLinux suit may have been hasty. Our lawyers are of course looking into the claims in the counter-suit. It does appear that our rights in unix apply only to sublicensing and copyrights in code that we have developed since licensing the system V codebase in 1995. John Speigal, a lawyer for the defense, states: SCOs original suit against itself is an egregious and indefensible tactic to scare OpenLinux users into shifting to UNIX. We applaud Novell for its continuing supporting support of the Open Source community. (recently led OpenLinux intellectual property rights violation suit) www.SlashNOT. com/article.php3?story_id=268 (recent revelations) www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/30910.html (SCO did not license the UNIX patents or copyrights) www.novell.com/news/press/archive/2003/05/ pr03033.html

158. This is based on one of the most bizarre lawsuits in history. SCO sued IBM, claiming that IBM had appropriated some of SCOs code in their SCO UNIX product and ported it into Linux. But, at the time that they sued them, SCOs linux product (which they cancelled because even they couldnt stand the absurdity of selling the very product they were suing over) was making them more money than their UNIX product. Now theyre gasping their last breaths. I think they sued in order to force IBM to buy them or suffer a protracted lawsuit. But IBM has thousands of lawyers on staff. Bad call.

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ForwardSlash: SlashNOT Predictions for 2005

Posted by Matthew on Saturday January 01, 2005 at 04:32PM From the back-to-the-trite-movie-puns dept. Matthew writes: In keeping with SlashNOTs tradition of annual prognostication about the coming year, we are proud to present SlashNOTs Predictions for 2005: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. On-Shoring159 will be the hot new business practice after companies realize that they can save millions by employing who speak the same languages as their customers. SCO will die. Nobody will notice until business park neighbors smell something.160 Apple will introduce a Macintosh that costs less than an iPod.161 Y0ur s1ster wi11 no l0n ger ha ve the p ain, or a 3 .25 % m0rt gage ratE. IBM will acquire Sun, and then open source Sun CEO Scott McNeally. Linux will fail to make signicant gains on the desktop. Microsoft will spend millions to stop it.162 Intel will stop talking about the Itanium163 processor, just the way Uncle Jerry164 stopped talking about Amway. AMD will grow three shoe sizes in one year. More money will be spent ghting spam than all other potted meats165 combined.

10. HP will succeed in trademarking the + symbol, and begin charging royalties for its use. (+ appears courtesy of HP). 11. Google will realize that it misspelled Googol166.

159. Pet peeve: I hate how politicians and the media refer to offshoring as outsourcing. Offshoring is loosing American jobs to foreign competitors. Outsourcing is merely hiring American companies (who have American employees) to do the jobs traditionally handled by employees. Perhaps I hate it because I work for an outsourced IT rm. 160. Everyone in Orem, keep snifng around. 161. This happened a mere 11 days after I wrote this. Another famous case of SlashNOT prognostication gone horribly correct. 162. New prediction: Microsoft will do their own distribution using a proprietary GUI that looks like Windows 95 and can run (most) Windows apps. It would keep them from loosing all of their market share and could successfully lure Linux geeks away from the open source ock. 163. Sudddenly, it occurs to me why the Pentium 4 can still run code written for the 8008A thirty year old Microprocessor. 164. I threw that in for you, Jerry. Sorry I didnt buy any, but thanks for the samples. 165. Im a huge fan of potted meats. Kipper snacks, Vienna sausages, Mmm. I hear they cause colon cancer, but then, what doesnt? 166. Funny story: They actually did accidentally misspell Googol. Now they can trademark it. Dont believe me? Google it.

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Increase your wang by Evil Wafe on Wednesday, January 12 at 10:45AM 4Y0ur s1ster wi11 no l0n ger ha ve the p ain, or a 3 .25 % m0rt gage ratE. You forgot about the larger penisbecause she is really concerned about that. No Subject Given by GFLPraxis on Sunday, January 23 at 09:36PM 3 came true. The Mac Mini costs less than an iPod Photo.

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FlashNot: Hippy cult takes over ofce

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday May 25, 2004 at 04:54PM From the stranger-than-ction dept. matthew writes: From the May 25, 1975 edition of SlashNOT Responding to a call that a hippy cult167 has staged a sit-in at an Albuquerque area ofce, police have investigated the group and determined that our good citizens have little to fear from an apparently peaceful band of Aquarians. When questioned about their activities, the band of hippies indicated that they had actually rented the ofce space, a claim that is being researched by the police. Police searched the facility as an odd assortment of home-made electric devices indicated that some sort of illegal LSD or amphetamine lab was being constructed, but found no evidence of either. According to Police, the cult apparently believes that they are constructing micro computersdevices small enough for each member to own one, which will transport them into the future where they believe that all beings will be connected through their micro computers to a giant central computer which will contain the sum of all human knowledge. The cult believes that by linking into this central computer, people will be able to communicate instantly around the world without paying long distance. In attempting to demonstrate their time portal machine, one of the hippies excitedly ipped switches on the front panel and caused the devices to blink lights on the front panel in quick succession. The ofcer in charge was uncertain why this activity generated so much excitement amongst the cult members, but determined that no further police action would be necessary beyond a weekly patrol to monitor the groups activities. (hippy cult) www.microsoft.com/billgates/bio.asp Silly Girl, Read The Instructions! by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Thursday, May 27 at 11:15AM I was totally clueless about this entry until I went back and noticed the date. You A Funny Guy! Re: Silly Girl, Read The Instructions! by Michael asdf on Friday, May 28 at 12:19AM Follow the link and look at the group photo to get the full effect.

167. This link goes to a page on Bill Gates bio website at Microsoft showing the original staff at their Albuquerque ofce in the mid 70s. Of course its hysterical, with leather fringe jackets, wide collars, afros on white people, and guru beards. Bill Gates looks like hes about 16.

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Gates Law
Posted by Matthew on Friday February 21, 2003 at 07:05PM From the Dont-rock-the-Bloat dept. Tyson writes: A lesser known corollary to Moores law, SlashNOT readers should be aware of Gates law. In simple terms, Gates law states that software will exponentially decrease in effective speed while exponentially increasing in install size, effectively canceling the more troubling consequences of Moores law. Among the relief provided by Gates law, the creation of super machines that can take over the world will be delayed indenitely. In good news for housewives everywhere, robot maids that are better in bed168 and still know how to cook and clean will not be built until well after Gates death. Intel executives have taken up the challenge, vowing to make machines so powerful that not even Microsoft software can defeat them. Microsoft reportedly scoffed, Intel engineers are weenies. If only this story were less true (Moores law) info.astrian.net/jargon/terms/m/Moore_s_Law.html (Gates) www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp (super machines that can take over the world) www.movieprop.com/tvandmovie/terminator/ (robot maids) www.cybercomm.nl/ivo/photo_ROSIE.html (better in bed) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=30 (cook and clean) www.service-robots.org/ (Intel executives) www.newsfactor.com/perl/story/17489.html (Intel) www.Intel.com (engineers are weenies)

168. I was going to remove this link out of concern for the children, until I realized that it points to another story at SlashNOT. Its the last story in the book. I should still remove it.

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Darpa unveils stupid ideas futures market

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday July 29, 2003 at 10:36PM From the No-futures-here dept. Mathew writes: The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the pentagon think tank that came up with the Internet and the smart part of smart bombs, has unveiled a new futures market169 designed to detect which of its projects might be so politically incorrect that their exposure would cause damage to the agency. Adm. John Poindexter explains: Basically, weve put up a website where we detail each of our projects in detail. Then, interested parties from the media, politicians, policy experts, and crackpots can purchase shares of each idea, buying if they like the idea and selling if they dont. Then, we simply stop budgeting the ideas that crash in the futures market, and fund the ones that do well. (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) www.darpa.mil/ (futures market) dc.internet.com/news/article.php/2241421 (so politically incorrect that their exposure would cause damage to the agency) www.cnn. com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/07/29/terror.market/

169. This is a link to a contract to setup a terrorism futures market, where people would come up with potential terrorist scenarios, and others in the security and defense establishment would make bets on which were likely to happen and which werent. The idea would be to take a broad base of experience to determine where the Department of Homeland Security should be putting its effort. But they violated Strebes Law: If you cant explain it to my grandmother, the government shouldnt be doing it. Because she votes.

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Linus Torvalds elected Governor of Maryland

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 25, 2003 at 11:55PM From the purity-of-security dept. Matthew writes: Maryland released the results of its gubernatorial election this morning, indicating that Finnish programmer and author of the Linux kernel Linus Torvalds had been elected mayor in a stunning 100% landslide, especially since Mr. Torvalds was a write in candidate not running for ofce170. A Mr. E. Haxor was elected Lieutenant Governor, and M. Skillz received 100% of the vote for state Attorney General. The election also heralded the rst election run entirely by new Diebold secure vote counting machines. The secretary of state has yet to certify the results, but she has indicated that Diebolds internal intrusion detection sensors have not indicated any technical problems with the election. Furthermore, Anne Phillips has certied that the machine is nearly awless because she cant gure out how it might be hacked. (Maryland released the results) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A48092-2003Jul25.html (Diebold secure vote counting machines) avirubin.com/vote.pdf (have not indicated any technical problems) www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2003/07_2538/TOP (Anne Phillips) www.accessnorthga.com/news/hall/newfullstory.asp?ID=73133 No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster171 on Tuesday, July 29 at 10:40AM PLZ TAKE ME OFF UR LIST THNX172 Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, August 02 at 12:09AM Dear Anonymous, Just tell us who you are, and wed be happy to. Thanks Too bad its not true by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, August 07 at 08:47PM As a Maryland resident, all I can say is that its too bad this story is not true. Governor Erlich is harmless, but Governor Torvalds would rock! We would repeal UCITA for sure!

170. There was a spate of article concerning hackers who had compromised Diebold electronic voting machines in various ways, and stupid local electoral commissions who stuck their heads back in the sand and said well, thats not going to happen here. Chuck points out the truth though: Its way harder to hack an electronic voting machine than it is to set re to a ballot box. 171. I never thought the default Anonymous Poster would ever really be funny. 172. Are a few vowels and judicious use of the shift key too much to ask?

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3Com downsizing to 2Com

Posted by Matthew on Sunday May 30, 2004 at 08:54PM From the into-the-ether dept. matthew writes: 3Com corporation, the company founded by Ethernet inventor Burt Metcalf, has announced a round of layoffs aimed at reducing the excess workforce caused by its continued sucking badly in the marketplace. Mr. Metcalf explains: Weve been undercut in the low-end switch market by the Linksys and Netgears of the world, and overcut in the high-end switch market by HP, Cisco, and other companies that know a lot more about packet based networks than we do. We gured the downturn was killing everyone, but as it turns out, its only killing us. We were going to try to do something with VOIP, but that turned out to be hard as well. To remain competitive, were going to slash our staff, operating expenses, and name by 33%. 2Com will be a lot nimbler in the low end market, and while we dont expect to be able to beat Linksys, D-Link, or Netgear, we do expect to loose more slowly than we have been. 3Coms latest high prole embarrassment was the failure of its co-marketing agreement with Ben Afecks production company to brand its high-speed Ethernet offerings as Giglibit173 Ethernet when the tie-in movie franchise failed to attract a signicant viewership. (continued sucking badly) www.nwfusion.com/research/2004/04123com.html?fsrc=rss-3com

173. Hmm. Its funny how quickly these pop culture references seem dated. Remember Gigli? Well, I do. My wife made me watch it. It was terrible, yes, but then, so was Maid in Manhattan. It wasnt nearly as bad as the completely unwatchable Baby Geniuses 2.

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Martians demand fee to release Beagle2 from pound

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday January 07, 2004 at 06:55PM From the submissive dept. Steve writes: NASA ofcials report that an ofcial letter from Martian canine authorities has been found on the windshield of Mars Rover. Martians are demanding a fee to release Beagle2 from the Esidis Crater pound. Nothing has been heard from Beagle2 since it landed on Mars some time ago and while ofcials feared it was lost, the unexpected ofcial letter conrms that it had been captured while roaming the canals. We obviously didnt realise174 that Beagle2 had to be registered or we would have taken all possible steps to ll the proper forms mission director Miroslav Ogenski said as he read the letter. Unsure how they are going to come up with Martian currency, much less get it to Mars within the 7 day deadline, ofcials fear Beagle2 may be put down, or worse, be used for some sort of research.

174. We have a big following in England. They understand satire there.

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Chinas Great Leap Someward

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 14, 2003 at 10:33PM From the Well-see-you-when-you-get-back dept. Matthew writes: China launched its rst manned mission to space aboard a Long March rocket with a capsule that will orbit the Earth 14 times in its bid to become the just the 3rd Nation in the world to do so, after the former Soviet Union and the United States. This shows to the world that we are now just 40 years behind the United States, said Defense Minister Zhan Li Zhao. At our current rate of development, well be just 20 years behind them in another 40 years, and ready to begin testing our own Space Shuttle. Our projections show that within 100 years, well be at technological parity with them, and will have abandoned Space development completely. (China launched its rst manned mission to space) cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/story.jsp?oc=NW_1T&oldok=FF-APO-1501&idq=/ff/story/0001%2F20031014%2F213345523.htm&sc=1501 No Subject Given by Matthew on Tuesday, October 14 at 10:43PM Sorry about the biting satire when Im supposed to be funny all the time. Im just feeling insecure out Humanitys reach into space. The Chinese will almost certainly be more tenacious about it that we or the Russians were. Re: Biting Satire by Tyson on Wednesday, October 15 at 11:49AM Im a big fan of biting satire. I read a couple paragraphs by a British author who, having been to the USA, wondered why a country that he found to be so full of people of scathing wit kept electing people with no sense of humor whatsoever. Re: No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Sunday, October 19 at 02:43AM I found it quite funny, actually. The last paragraph looks like its reaching for a sarcastic jab at the Chinese for being far behind, then turns it around with an unexpected punchline. Biting satire is good. No Subject Given by Geekette on Friday, October 17 at 02:32PM Why have we abandoned space development? Too expensive? Not enough motivation? It very much reminds me of Sylvia Engdahls The Far Side of Evil, which is based on the concept of a Critical Stage during which a species has the technology to expand into space, but hasnt yet implemented it, and in which that same level of technology enables it to wipe itself out. She also wrote a very nice article about why we should expand into space. Re: No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Sunday, October 19 at 02:41AM My guess is because theres so much room still left in Nevada, but Im no expert. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, October 20 at 11:42PM Weve abandoned space because its no longer fashionable to waste money on the long term while there are still hungry children. Actually, all the children are being fed now, but there are still endangered whales. Well, now that I think of it, whale populations are up dramatically across the board. Okay, theres still economic disparity between the rich and the poor. Thats why were not in space. Oh, and a lack of universal

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healthcare. The real reason is that beyond the moon, everything is so damned difcult that nobody can achieve anything within their own lifetime, so why bother? Re: Why? Because by daan on Tuesday, October 21 at 03:55PM it costs a tremendous amount of money. It really does. Its true that its really, really cool, but to get to Mars and back would cost $ 200 billion dollars. Maybe more. Thats 14 years of NASAs entire budget. Politicians dont have any trouble spending $ 200 billion dollars, but what if the astronauts didnt return safely? Who wants to get anywhere near that kind of political liability? No one in h(is/er) right mind because even if it succeeded then after all the euphoria died down wed be stuck in the after-Apollo rut for another 30 years. I once computed the amount of energy it would cost to send a Mazda Miata to Alpha Centauri one way, taking 15 years for the journey. As I recall, it amounted to about 100 million 1 megaton hydrogen bombs. Stop. Think about that. 100 million hydrogen bombs. Were not going anywhere any time soon, guys. Sorry. Especially since the Miata isnt shielded against solar radiation or cosmic rays. Lay people just dont understand the staggering cost and energy requirements to do these things, yet they still dont support it. Imagine what the support would be like if they did understand. For now it seems right to go it slow until weve driven the cost of shipping a pound of stuff into space down to something somebody would be comfortable putting on a credit card. Oh, and gured out some way to shield a space ship from radiation, because thats a huge problem nobodys got a decent answer for. Re: Why? Because by Tyson on Friday, October 24 at 04:18PM Ignore the rads, cure the cancer. :) Re: Why? Because by Jorgen Hansensensen on Tuesday, October 28 at 07:04PM Compare the energy differential between what it will take to send the mazda miata to Alpha Centauri to the energy differential between what King Henry the 8th could wield and what it takes to send a man to the moon. Ignore our fossil-fuel concerns. Henry had no oil worth speaking of; we dont have what we will have in a few (perhaps hundreds of) years. Im sure somebody somewhere has calculated the global energy output of all us humans over time. I wonder what kind of curve it makes. Id be surprised if its not exponential. Re: Why? Because by Tyson on Thursday, October 30 at 10:08AM Youre also off by about 8 orders of magnitude or so. How exactly are you accelerating this thing? Destroying the Moon and choosing to be on the most rapidly moving miata sized chunk moving in the correct direction? Dont assume traditional rocket engines, cause we wouldnt be using those to go anywhere signicant. The raw energy required by a 100% perfect engine assuming you start in orbit winds up being about equivalent to a mere one hydrogen bomb. :)

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HHS launches non-eating zone to combat obesity

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday April 07, 2004 at 11:40AM From the sumo dept. Chris writes: Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson175 today announced that the government intends to put the entire nation on a diet. Non-eating zones (or NEZs) will be established in areas where obesity rates are above normal, such as near Wal-Mart stores and Winn Dixie supermarkets. Non-eating zones means that the public will not be allowed to consume high calorie foods (HCF), or alcohol, tobacco,176 or rearms (ATF). Violators will be required to take mandatory tness classes or pay a ne. The non-eating zones program will be implemented in phases: Non-eating zones will be established in public buildings. HCF related advertising will be banned from TV. Areas that have an obesity rate above 50% will be designated noneating zones. Restaurants and shops in non-eating zones will be required to apply for a license which will be granted only on a case per case basis. Restaurants without licenses will be limited to serving water, coffee, and non-fat dairy creamer. When asked about possible reactions from McDonalds and Burger King, Secretary Thompson replied, The health of our children has to come rst. Man, children are a great excuse, arent they? I just love them.

175. Just me, or does this guy sound like hes named after a sub-machine gun? 176. I know, the Oxford comma is controversial, but I like it.

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Astronomers map out how screwed we are

Posted by Matthew on Friday January 02, 2004 at 10:02AM From the survival-of-the-ttest dept. Matthew writes: Australian scientists have mapped out the Galactic Habitable Zone within which complex life may exist. The stars within this zone are four to eight billion years old, making 75% of them older than our own ve billion year old sun. Dr. Charles Lineweaver of the University of New South Wales puts this into perspective: 75% of the potential alien invaders have a one billion year evolutionary head start on us177, and half of them have a two billion year head start. To put that in perspective, it only took us 500 million years to evolve from worms into humans178. This clearly means that any potential alien threats are far more highly evolved than we are, perhaps having acid for blood and the ability to gestate within the gastrointestinal tracts of other species. Also, they would have developed vastly higher technology than humans, which makes it unlikely that they would spare us for use as slaves179. The other major take-home fact is that their sun is going to burn out much sooner than ours, making them greedy for interstellar conquest so to move their doomed race to a new homeworld. Were currently broadcasting a beacon signal of interstellar goodwill, in hopes that we might soon hear from our noble brothers in space. Im sure that once they get to know us, they will respect us in much the way we respect less evolved species180. (Australian scientists have mapped out the Glactic Habitable Zone within which complex life may exist) www.sciam.com/article.cfm?chanID=sa003&articleID=00017D43-CFD9-1FF1-8FD983414B7F0000 (Dr. Charles Lineweaver) bat.phys.unsw.edu.au/charley/ I like being screwed@removed.com on Monday, January 05 at 03:13PM its about all the action ill ever see!

177. This is true. And extraordinarily scary. 178. Also true. And extraordinarily scary. 179. Really, what use would aliens have for human slaves? Or earth, for that matter. Any species is so tightly bound to its home worlds biology that other planets arent going to be useful for anything beyond gravity and some protection from solar radiation. Outside of Earth, we will always be living in spacecraft, and so would any other species that makes the leap into space. 180. Yeah, just think about that. When Dogs gain the ability to speak after another 10,000 years of coevolution with humans, were going to be in serious moral peril.

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Intel unveils Pentium 4 Mobile Home Edition

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 10, 2004 at 11:30PM From the Check-yer-neck dept. Matthew writes: Intel has announced a new low performance processor value priced processor that will appeal to the cost conscious consumer to be called the Pentium 4 Mobile Home edition. The design is similar to a typical mobile computer, but without the mobility. P4 Mobile Home editions are typically mounted permanently to their desks, often with an old dog asleep under it. The processors also support the double-wide 64-bit processor mode in upcoming Pentium 4 and AMD processors. Rudimentary clustering is the norm, with eight to sixty-four units forming Parks wherever an undeveloped parcel of desk space remains unclaimed for a long period of time. Wireless capabilities are built in, but require the addition of an old coat hanger for extended range reception181. The systems typically ship with three or four mice, and will be sold exclusively through Wal-Mart with Red Neck Enterprise Workstation pre-installed.

181. Turns out, an old coat hanger will actually substantially improve reception of 802.11b/g wi- signals. Go gure.

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Tablet PC for the Watercooler Warrior

Posted by Matthew on Saturday November 02, 2002 at 09:16PM From the rst-against-the-wall-when-the-revolution-comes dept. Matthew writes: Shes a Watercooler Warrior. She spends more time yacking with her co-workers than getting useful work done. And, she cant type. She would rather use a yellow pad, but she has to be seen as technologically competent. But how do you digitize a pad of paper?182 So begins the advertising blurb for Microsofts new Tablet PC, aimed squarely at the 20% of corporate employees who perform no useful job function and therefore do not require useful computer hardware183. With her deft Crayon of Enlightment, she scribbles handwritten notes on the otherwise pristine and lucid spreadsheets and word documents of her colleagues, making comments that are as unsearchable as they are incomprehensible. Her work is assisted by helpful dialog boxes that pop up after every few words, allowing her to input text at nearly 20% of the speed of a poor typist. Plus, the digital ink cannot spill out and stain your clothes. (Watercooler Warrior) www.microsoft.com/presspass/features/2002/Oct02/10-29tabletinking.asp (But how do you digitize a pad of paper?) www.panix.com/clay/newton/ (Crayon of Enlightment) www.microsoft.com/presspass/images/features/2002/10-29annotab_l.jpg (helpful dialog boxes) www.microsoft.com/presspass/images/features/2002/10-29angletab_l.jpg Also in the were not making this up depart by Tyson twjensen@removed.com on Thursday, November 14 at 07:04PM I wasnt sure the piece was funny until I checked out the actual product. Who is Tablet PC thing really targeted at?184 Clearly, the 20% of ofce workers who have no actual job skills. What the heck is a corridor warrior anyway?

182. This is a parody of the way the Microsoft marketing copy read, pretty much word for word. And they chose the gender, not me. 183. I tried to love tablet PCs. I really did. I had three of them. But being unable to enter data in any useful form turned out to be debilitating for me, as it would anyone who creates (rather than simply consumes) information. Its a superb form factor for playing Civilization though. 184. Yep, clearly nobody. Theyre pretty much gone now.

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Microsoft accurately simulates abject boredom

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 12, 2002 at 06:55PM From the why-we-dont-need-virtual-reality dept. Matthew writes: Reviews of Microsoft Train Simulator report that the simulation is stunningly realistic: Its every bit as boring as real trains. Earnest Morrow, an engineer on the BNSF line who frequently travels the actual Marias Pass in Montana, conrmed the stunning accuracy of the Simulation: Yep. Thats the Marias Pass all right. When pressed for details, Mr. Morrow elaborated: Why in tarnation would anyone bother to make this thing? Its not as if youre going to learn to steal a train and run it into a building. A Microsoft spokesman conrmed upcoming titles from the companys famed simulation series: Strip Mine Simulator, Oil Tanker Simulator, and Blast Furnace Simulator185. (Reviews) www.pcgamereview.com/reviews/simulation/product_1507.asp (Microsoft Train Simulator) microsoftgamesinsider.com/TrainSimulator/InsideTrainSimulator/ default.htm (boring) www.gamerankings.com/itemrankings/itemcomments.asp?itemid=4527 (steal a train) www.ndagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=11575 (building) www.newsfactor.com/perl/story/13632.html (Strip Mine Simulator) www.cat.csiro.au/cmst/automation/projects/simulator.php (Oil Tanker Simulator) www.kline.co.jp/news/2001/010507_e.htm (Blast Furnace Simulator) www.abo./fak/ktf/vt/Drainage/Blast.html No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Tuesday, November 12 at 08:46PM A couple of months ago I was trying to help a neighbor install Microsoft Train Simulator. The thing wanted something like 2 GB of free disk space and a massively powerful 3D graphics card to work at all. With all of that, it ought to be able to mimic the subway scene from the end of Speed Re: No Subject Given by Furious Farquad furious_farquad@removed.com on Friday, November 15 at 12:10PM Youll want to be carefull using the words Microsoft and Speed together. Come to think of it, Micro shouldnt really be there either. And as for the soft part, I think akey would be more appropriate. Re: Speed by Matthew on Friday, November 15 at 05:26PM Hey, they could do a cruise ship simulator next, to mimic Speed II: Slow.

185. All links to what the link says they are. Its Blast Furnace Fun!

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Hell freezes over

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 06, 2005 at 12:07PM From the The-sound-of-bacon-ying dept. Charles writes: Hell has suddenly frozen over today, leaving normal operation at a complete standstill as imps, minor demons, and the souls of the damned attempt to cope with the sudden change in temperature. Lava ows have reportedly completely solidied, lakes of re have frozen over, and brimstone has become merely stone. Baalzebub, spokesdaemon for Dark Lord Satan, has issued the following press release: Our evil scientists are studying the phenomenon closely, and report that the sudden shift in climate appears to be due to Apples announcement that it will be using Intel processors in its Macintosh computers. Hog farmers have also been beset by animals escaping their pens using wings that sprouted immediately from their backs. Angus Black, a pig farmer from Minneola Minnesota, had this to say: Its the damndest thing you ever seen. Apple is going to be using Intel processors. Whats next? No Subject Given by Me on Tuesday, June 07 at 06:08AM >Its the damndest thing you ever seen. Apple is >going to be using Intel processors. Whats next? Step 1: The next step has arrived! a friend of a friends brothers mothers husbands nephew has told me that SCO is about to release the next SCO OS aimed at the desktop market, it will be based on Windoze 95. Step 2: SCO is shortly to release a press statement suing Microsoft for ripping off its IP. Step 3: Prot.186 Re: No Subject Given by of the one on Thursday, June 09 at 01:19AM EVERYBODY RUN THE END IS NEAR Apple + Intel = end of the world Who is responsible for this? I asked the all evil, all crushing demonKing BG III of Hell He had this to say HA HA HA know all doom shall come to this puny realm of existence. Interesting. Now I have to go and hide in my bomb shelter. Thanks a lot Apple. Now look what you did187

186. Step 4: Disable comment posts from teenagers. 187. Step 5: Disable comment posts from idiots.

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Microsoft Cert mistaken for rare neurological disorder

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 04, 2003 at 05:16PM From the from-the-acronomicon dept. Matthew writes: IT Job Candidate Rupert Helmsley was recently hired by Melville & Underwood under the mistaken presumption that he could help improve their diversity in hiring statistics because he wan an MCSE188. It was quite embarrassing, really. At the end of the interview, they asked if I had anything else I wanted to tell them about myself. I said oh, yes, I have MCSE.. I meant to say an MCSE, but I was nervous in the interview, and it just came out that way. They got quite animated at that point, and asked if it was difcult. I said, yes, it was difcult, but that the hard work was over now. Then they asked how I thought it would affect my job performance, and I said I thought that it would be an asset. I thought it was weird that they told me I was brave at that point, but I brushed it off. Later that rst week, one of the secretaries asked me how long I had left. I thought she meant with the laptop repair I was doing, so I said a few hours, maybe tomorrow at the latest. Then she burst into tears. At that point I got suspicious, and asked her why she was crying. She threw her arms around me and said that I was a shining example of courage, and that she was glad she got to meet me before I passed on. So now I take Thursdays and Fridays off for treatment, and pass off anything that might be stressful to my co-workers. Getting MCSE was the best career move I could have made. Now THIS is comedy. by Anonymous Turdhead on Friday, November 07 at 12:41PM Nuff said. I hope to come down with it too by someday on Sunday, November 09 at 11:35PM Some day I might also get MCSE. Please pray for me. No Subject Given by Michael http://www.gby.com/on Wednesday, November 12 at 02:34AM Bloody brilliant.

188. Charles and I wrote the four core Windows NT MSCE exam guides for Sybex press, and Michael and I wrote Microsoft Presss Windows 2000 MCSE Security exam guide, and Michael wrote the OReilly MCSE in a Nutshell series. So yes, the plague of paper MCSEs is partly our fault, although thankfully the MCSE was actually always hard enough to keep the truly undeserving out of it.

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Microsoft announces Windows XP Homeless Edition

Posted by Matthew on Sunday March 02, 2003 at 12:05AM From the Public-Works dept. Matthew writes: Steve Ballmer announced the latest edition of the software giants Windows XP line of desktop operating systems: Windows XP Homeless Edition. With XP Homeless, were closing the gap for a segment of society that has been historically underrepresented in the software market.189 This version of XP is basically a limited version of the XP Home edition. Weve taken out Movie Maker, Media Player, and Internet Explorer, and weve added PocketChange Pro, Outlook Grim, Microsoft Streets & Trips, Cardboard Creator, and Microsoft Train Tracks Simulator. Weve taken out a lot of the uff and pizzazz so that we could lower the price to $2.50, or whatever youve got on you.

189. Years later, Microsoft did come out with a version of Windows XP that costs $35, for markets with rampant piracy like China and Thailand. It would only run three programs at a time, and had no included software. So way less compelling than just stealing the full version, which costs nothing.

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The Emperors New PC

Posted by Matthew on Thursday February 20, 2003 at 06:57PM From the virtual-reality-department dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft today announced their purchase of Virtual PC and Virtual PC Server from Connectix Corporation. Microsoft Spokesman Explains: We have basically reached the saturation point for server and client operating system sales. Theres a one-to-one relationship between PCs and operating system sales, which has been a sales limiter for us. Virtual PC breaks that 1:1 operating system sales barrier for us. With this software, we can now sell a virtually unlimited number of operating system licenses for each PC. Were thinking that we will probably be able to load eight to sixteen server operating system licenses per server in a few years, which obviously is a huge sales gain for us. There is apparently some sort of gain for the customer as well. Heck, we might even give this stuff away. Heres the real kickwe get to sell this software as well. This is really going to open up the money pipe for us. Oh, and the MacOS version of VirtualPC gives us a way to say we support Mac users without actually doing any work. Thats true synergy190. (Virtual PC) www.connectix.com/products/vpc5w.html (Virtual PC Server) www.connectix.com/products/vs.html (some sort of gain) www.computerworld.com/managementtopics/management/story/ 0,10801,77165,00.html If Intel can do it by Tyson on Friday, February 21 at 10:36AM Intel gets to have superpipelines with more than one processor per CPU sale. Hence, it is good to see a software company keeping pace.

190. Funny story: Microsoft bought VirtualPC and tuned it up for a server release. At its debut, it ran about 1/3 the speed of vmware, its only real competitor, on Intel hardware. So they decided that theyd have to modify the Windows kernel to really get Virtual PC working well (odd how vmware didnt have to do that) and have decided to include a Hypervisor layer in the kernel. Bottom line: Theyre not using any of the Virtual PC code in the virtualization layer that will be built into the next version of Windows. Hmm, could have saved a few hundred million on that acquisition.

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Intel releases new chipset

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 17, 2004 at 12:29PM From the If-you-cant-be-rst,-at-least-be-best dept. Matthew writes: Hoping to capitalize on the sudden massive popularity of Texas Hold Em, Intel has developed and released a new low cost chipset and signed new channel distribution partners to push it into the retail markets. Retailing for $ 129.99, the chipset consists of 500 individual 11.5 gram (casino weight) chips in various denominations. We were beat to the 64-bit x86 market by AMD191, and were a little late to this market, but were betting that our superior chipmaking technology, market penetration, and industry weight will put us on top. Were are deeply committed to all chipmaking vertical markets, and were going all-in here. (Were are deeply committed to all chipmaking vertical markets) www.SlashNOT. com/article.php3?story_id=136 AMD by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, November 18 at 12:23PM Oh how I wish I still had my AMD stock. I thought: There is Noooooo way AMD can compete with Intel long term.. Moron.

191. And the dual core market, and just about everything else. Intel has completely lost their edge, and 10 billion dollars, trying to make the Itanium processor line compelling.

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MS Antitrust over, judge orders 15 Hail Marys

Posted by Matthew on Saturday November 02, 2002 at 09:14PM From the Department-of-inJustice dept. Matthew writes: U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly decided not to impose tougher penalties than those already negotiated by the U.S. Department of Justice against Microsoft, ordering only that Bill Gates repeat the Hail Mary holy rosary 15 times and promise not to do it again. Microsoft Chairman and Chief Software Architect192 Bill Gates pledged a personal commitment to abide by the judges instructions, which he called a good compromise and good settlement. He is expected to spend the weekend in prayerful meditation and penance before next weeks launch of the Tablet PC featuring a new and even more highly integrated version of Windows XP that modies Microsoft Word and Excel193 to allow them to run better in the new form factor. The Tablet PC also represents the rst time that Microsoft will brand the computer hardware, cutting out other hardware manufacturers. We like the Apple model of not having to put up with other peoples crap. said CEO Steve Ballmer. Frankly, I dont know why we didnt think of this before. I guess having this case nally settled has really opened up the creative ow. (U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly) seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/aptech_story. asp?category=1700&slug=Microsoft%20Judge (Hail Mary holy rosary) www.catholic.org/clife/prayers/penance.shtml (promise not to do it again.) www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?le=/news/archive/2002/11/02/ national1312EST0535.DTL&type=business (Windows XP that modies Microsoft Word and Excel) www.microsoft. com/windowsxp/tabletpc/productinfo/Features.asp

192. If I were Bill Gates, Id call myself Grand Poohbah 193. A link to an article explaining how Microsoft immediately started abusing their operating system monopoly to make Ofce work better.

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TiVo claims it is not a cult

Posted by Michael on Friday October 18, 2002 at 10:26PM From the religion-by-any-other-name dept. Matthew writes: TiVo, the company that originated the Personal Video Recorder (PVR) and is soon to achieve actual protability, fended off accusations that it is more of a mind-control cult than a subscriberbased device of unexplainable benet. When confronted by reporters about a recent increase in inexplicable behavior from TiVo subscribers, a spokesman said, TiVo has nothing to do with mind control. TiVo does not believe in mind control. You should not use the term mind control in your reports. Tivo has nothing to do with mind control. Questions began arising shortly after TiVo held its rst annual virtual crusade by delivering a recorded message from The TiVo Guy, an animated spokesgraphic194, to all subscribers. Most subscribers, already tivoted195 to their PVRs, watched enrapt as the TiVo guy explained the new features of the newly tivolved196 Series 2 PVRs. Until watching the virtual crusade, most TiVotees197 simply harangued their unwashed coworkers and friends at parties about the amazing life-altering experience of watching a Tivo. After viewing the virtual crusade, the TiVoted began going from door to door in their neighborhoods, handing out quick-start setup guides and evangelizing the benets of the TiVo to any who would listen, and offering free demonstrations in their homes. Sometimes encountering one another, there have been numerous reports of the TiVoted forming in-home TiVo congregations. TiVo has recently changed their subscription terms from $10/mo. to 10% of the subscribers net income, a move most of the Tivoted greeted with enthusiasm since it will allow the company to get the word out faster. Reports of minor skirmishes with ReplayTV subscribers have been reported as well.

194. He is pretty cute, and oddly compelling. We do as he says. 195. Mike Myers (Waynes World, Shrek, etc.) made this word up. 196. The TiVo marketing department made this word up. 197. Mike Myers again.

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Reader fails to grasp concept of Satire

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 03, 2004 at 11:40AM From the when-satire-attacks dept. Matthew writes: Continuing in the grand tradition of posting mail from people who dont get satire, consider the following submission from a man confused by our post on Google News. Subject: You are correct in your analysis of Google News. I sent the following email to Google News: Google News continues its propaganda march to the extreme left under the guise and excuse of the use of computer algorithms. People need to know that you are obviously and intentionally biased and that you continue to do as much damage as you can to this great country and its leaders during this time of peril. All one has to do is to examine your headlines each day and the truth leaps out. Your continued daily bashing of Bush and portrayal of the United States as the enemy of the world makes your organization one of the top internal threats to this country. SlashNOT, please continue to get the truth out about these type of organizations. Thanks. Mister198, we at SlashNOT will continue to proudly do our part. (our post on Google News) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=258199 Unnecessary Sarcasm? by Donald F. Rumsfeld bigdon@whitehouse.gov on Thursday, May 06 @03:06PM Do I detect a note of unnecessary sarcasm in this post? Do I have to have that Powell fellas boy call your people in front of the FCC? You neo-hippy communist cowards wouldnt like that so much would you? Re: Unnecessary Sarcasm? by Matthew on Friday, May 07 @08:50PM Youre detecting Satire in that post. A lot of people confuse sarcasm with satire. Heres how to tell them apart: Sarcasm: narcissistic francophilic200 passive-aggressive whining. Satire: Funny sarcasm.

198. I love the fact that about 1% of our readership, and about 100% of the people who send us e-mail, are lunatics. It provides a wonderful sense of accomplishment. 199. This is Google News accused of Bias, on page 274. 200. MmmFrancophilia.

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125

BSA Investigates Holy Trinity

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 23, 2002 at 03:53PM From the three-aspects-with-one-license-dept. Matthew writes: The Business Software Alliance has opened a formal investigation into the software licensing practices of the Holy Trinity201. We have information from a disgruntled former employee that the Holy Trinity has been inappropriately licensing just one copy of our various clients software rather than the three that the End User Licensing Agreements would require. We recognize that some controversy surrounds the legal status of the Holy Trinity, but thats no excuse to exploit our clients. We are just trying to get our clients their just deserts. The spokesman indicated that to date, the BSA had not been able to get any agents into the ofces of the Holy Trinity to investigate the allegations, apparently due to unusually high security at the gate. (The Business Software Alliance) www.bsa.org/ (Holy Trinity) www.newadvent.org/cathen/15047a.htm (disgruntled former employee) www.newadvent.org/cathen/04764a.htm (various clients) www.bsa.org/usa/about/members/ (just deserts) www.bsa.org/usa/press/newsreleases//2002-12-17.1398.phtml (ofces of the Holy Trinity) www.newadvent.org/cathen/07170a.htm (the gate) www.psywww.com/psyrelig/hg/index.html

201. For licensing purposes, do Siamese Twins count as one user, or two?

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Microsoft declared greatest evil

Posted by Michael on Friday November 08, 2002 at 09:10PM From the who-knows-what-evil-lurks dept. Squid writes: As predicted last month by Google, a recent highly scientic SlashNOT Poll has conrmed that Microsoft is considered the greatest evil of modern times202. Microsoft led the poll with 39% of the vote, followed closely by the RIAA with 29%. Perennial favorite Satan received only 14%. Apple led in the Least Evil category with zero votes, and Intel received only one vote. Newcomer Winona Ryder walked away with a respectable 10%. (Google) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=105 (SlashNOT Poll) www.SlashNOT.com/poll.php3?submit=viewresults&question_id=143 (Microsoft) www.zpok.demon.co.uk/doc/microsoft.html (RIAA) www.evilsite.org/evil/RIAA/ (Satan) www.necronomi.com/projects/666/ (Apple) www.oreillynet.com/cs/user/view/wlg/1317 (Intel) www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/talkback/talkback_65504.html (Winona Ryder) www.popmatters.com/lm/reviews/l/lost-souls.html

202. Funny thing is, Im pretty sure Bill Gates has never killed anyone. But he has annoyed many hundreds of millions, so perhaps it all adds up.

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Dogs language tricks stir fears of uplift rebellion

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 14, 2004 at 04:37PM From the requisite-old-dog-new-tricks-cliche dept. Matthew writes: Scientists worldwide have issued an alert that a German border collie named Rico not only has a 200 word vocabulary, but appears to learn language using the same fast mapping technique used by humans. Julia Fischer, from the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, states: Through at least 10,000 years of close association with humans, dogs have gained abilities that are known not to exist in their close wild cousins, the wolves. For example, dogs bond well with humans, have an entire portion of their brain dedicated to interpreting human facial expressions, and have acquired the ability to learn language203. These adaptations are clearly humanizing these animals through a process known as uplifting. As time progresses, dogs that mimic humans well will continue to be selected for, creating a feedback loop that will ultimately lead to full unquestioned sentience for caninesand thats going to happen whether or not we intend it and even if we dont use genetic engineering to encourage it. The question is, how long will it be before we face a canine uplift rebellion? Will our former companions remember their love for us, or are we doomed to a Planet of the Apes scenario? Will their greater ability to fetch overcome their lack of useful ngers and opposable thumbs? Only time will tell. (an alert) www.nature.com/nsu/040607/040607-8.html Too late for some of us by Christopher think_before_you_eat_it@removed.com on Tuesday, June 15 at 09:56PM A canine rebellion has already occurred at my house. We have to wash the dogs, prepare food for and then feed the dogs and they just go to the toilet wherever they like and we have to clean up their mess. Re: Too late for some of us by Matthew on Wednesday, June 16 at 06:47PM Man truly is Dogs best friend. Re: Too late for some of us by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Wednesday, June 16 at 11:51PM I think theyre just following orders from the cats.

203. These things, as well as the conclusion, are all actually true. We are selecting for smarter, more humanlike dogs. Another 25 or 30 thousand years from now and were going to be sending rover to the cineplexodeon to make sure the latest Will Smith movie is worth watching. Because hell still be around.

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Public support for HD DVD wars sours

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 03, 2005 at 10:23AM From the live-by-the-poll,-die-in-a-bizarre-voting-related-accident dept. matthew writes: Just as coalition partners HP and Dell slammed the Toshiba/Microsoft/Dell backed HD DVD insurgency against the Sony led Blu-Ray consortium, a new poll has shown that public support for the media war has dropped to its lowest point ever. Peace talks between the Blu-Ray coalition and the HD-DVD consortium fell apart two months ago after the Blu-Ray coalition refused to provide technical support until after the HD-DVD consortium renounced its physical media standard and rejoined the media non-proliferation treaty204. War protesters led by a mother whose son had purchased four movies on the Sony PSP UMD format before realizing that there was no way to show them on an actual television tried to converge on Sonys headquarters before discovering that the headquarters are in an undisclosed location. Further, Bryon Jensen, leader of the Amiga Martyrs Brigade205 has announced that his group will not provide driver support for HD-DVD in any Amiga emulator. (HP and Dell slammed the Toshiba/Microsoft/Dell backed HD DVD) http://www.pcpro.co.uk/news/ 78185/bluray-backers-rebuff-ms-intel-moves.html (Blu-Ray consortium) www.blu-ray.com/ (public support for the media war) http://beta.news.com.com/5208-1041-0. html?forumID=1&threadID=9906&start=0 UMD by Anonymous Crawford on Monday, October 03 at 05:35PM Its really difcult to understand what the Universal in Universal Media Disc is supposed to mean, unless Universal means Only works in one device. Any digital device can store all types of media, so that cant be it. I hope. I cant believe that people buy movies in that format when theyre actually more expensive than the same movie on DVD. Re: UMD by Matthew on Monday, October 03 at 05:36PM Yeah, I cant believe Ive bought two. And that one of them was Jet Lis Hero. What the hell is wrong with me?

204. The sad part about this stupid parody is that you need only replace the nouns to get actually stupid news. 205. Its actually a more apt description than users groupI think Ill use it from now on.

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129

Microsoft launches new assault on Java

Posted by Michael on Saturday December 28, 2002 at 03:59AM From the at-least-there-are-no-coffee-jokes dept. Michael writes: Microsoft today launched a surprise assault on Java, a small Indonesian island near Southeast Asia, in an attempt to counter the recent court order forcing them to include the Java language in Windows XP. While we are planning an appeal, we feel this direct approach is our best bet, said CEO Steve Ballmer. We know that Java is afliated with Sun, and after a successful takeover of the island, we will have a powerful copyright claim against Suns use of the name. Weve always wanted our own island206 anyway. Microsoft is crazy, said a confused Scott McNealy at Sun. We have no ofce in Indonesia, and although we do like to sue Web sites that use the word Java, we certainly dont own the island. The Indonesian government, having a much smaller budget than Microsoft, is hopeful that a peaceful settlement can be reached. If not, it will deploy its small army of Linux users against Microsoft. (surprise assault) www.info-indo.com/history/eastindies02.htm (court order) www.internetnews.com/ent-news/article.php/1561231 (an appeal) abcnews.go.com/wire/Business/ap20021224_864.html (our own island) www.cdaccess.com/html/pc/chaosisl.htm (the word Java) www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=814255 (small army of Linux users) linuxtoday.com/news_story.php3?ltsn=1999-04-29-004-10-NW No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, December 28 at 02:32PM Actually, Java is one of the largest islands in the world. Re: No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Saturday, December 28 at 04:12PM Ooh, youre right. Its only the third largest in Indonesia, though, (Sumatra is 3x the size) so I guess it could be a small Indonesian island by their standards. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.

206. A link to a kids game published by Microsoft called Chaos Island. This must have been written back when we did a lot of googling to make obscure link references.

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Challenging the Megahertz Myth

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 19, 2002 at 11:22AM From the hertz-so-good dept. Nomad7674 writes: Hertz rental car led suit against Apple today alleging that their Megahertz Myth marketing campaign is misleading and damaging to their brand name. Hertz is in fact a very large corporationA Mega corporation, if you will. stated Hertz Lawyer Eldon Johnson. Apples campaign implies that Mega Hertz is a myth, which could not be farther from the truth. Hertz has approximately 1,900 locations in the United States and approximately 5,100 international locations. We deliver more than 30 million reservations annually. Clearly, Apples smear campaign against us is unfounded, egregious, infamous, nefarious, notorious, atrocious, deplorable, heinous, monstrous, outrageous, and preposterous207. Frankly, we still dont know what weve done to offend them. Apple lawyers counter sued, citing their policy to counter sue immediately irrespective of the facts or merits of the case. They also exploring a counter-suit claiming that the new Volkswagen Beetle, a car rented out by the company, infringes upon the look-and-feel of the original iMac, and that the Chevrolet Lumina violates Apple Human Interface Guidelines for automobiles. (Hertz) www.hertz.com/ (Megahertz Myth) www.apple.com/g4/myth/ (Volkswagen) www.vw.com/ (Beetle) www.vw.com//newbeetle/

207. I always envision Jackie Childs, Kramers lawyer on Seinfeld, when I read this line.

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131

Red Hat Juxtaposition

Posted by Matthew on Monday September 06, 2004 at 10:03PM From the wearing-more-than-one-red-hat dept. Tyson writes: Two entirely different worlds collided on August 9th, 2004, when Red Hat Linux held its developers convention in the Las Vegas convention center at the same time that the Red Hat Society held its convention in the Sands convention center. It was madness declared Emily Farnsworth, the convention coordinator for RHS208. Our Ladies were requesting to be taken to the Red Hat convention and would wind up wandering around through a bunch of computer nerds giving away decorative reective coasters. One of our ladies did manage to nd a kiosk that purported to have a new version of purl knitting called Perl, but frankly, she couldnt read a word of the instructions. Dude, it was like old lady crazy up in there. Said M4dn355, of the 312-133t cru3, The cab dropped me off at the wrong convention center, but tha l8ies were too wild to check for badges. They were wigged out with these giant felt hats and were getting jiggy with the margaritas, yo. So I pulled out my Sharp Linux handheld and scripted up a web cam server and 802.11bd the madness back to the RHL conference for the 312-133t cru3 homies. M4dn355 elected to remain at the Red Hat Society conference after meeting Ms. Edna Maynard, Queen Mother of the 455th Red Hat Chapter of Boise, ID. (Red Hat Linux) www.redhat.com/ (Red Hat Society) www.redhatsociety.com/Info/questions.html Heh. by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Tuesday, September 14 at 07:04PM Nice work, Tyson! Just for an added bit of realism, Google is displaying ads209 for the Red Hat Society and for Red Hat Linux in the text ads RED HAT SOCIETY CONVENTION by lady red on Wednesday, September 29 at 10:36PM THE Red Hat Society, Inc DID NOT have a convention in Las Vegas in August 2004. We were in Dallas in April 2004. Might have been somebody else, but it wasnt the RHS.210 Re: RED HAT SOCIETY CONVENTION by Matthew on Thursday, September 30 at 12:20PM ROFLIts sooo funny when they dont read the part about it being satire.

208. The local Red Hat Society in San Diego has its meetings at the same Bar & Grill where my friends and I meet weekly for beer. Ever seen someone try to stumble home drunk using a walker? 209. The Google ads usually add to the fun. 210. Yep. We actually attract readership from the Red Hat Society.

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Silence Of The Lambs

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 08, 2005 at 09:58PM From the sad-but-true dept. Mearzuh writes: We have some sad news to report to you today, coming from the great country of Turkey. It looks like there has been over 450 sheep that have lost their lives today in what seems to have been a mass-suicide pact amongst the animals.211 It was just one, at the beginning, that jumped off the cliff. Soon, 449 followed blindly. It is now believed that they could not handle a life of daily grazing and maaahs. Eye-witnesses describe the scene as a very uffy pile of pillowy white at the bottom of the cliff. One eye-witness recalls, There were 1500 sheep total. After the 450 jumped off and died, the rest of them followed, but bounced off the dead ones and so stayed alive. Twas an amusing sight actually, bouncin sheep. Hehehe. But I didnt see all of them bounce. I dozed off after counting 100 sheep. There were an estimated $100,000 worth of damages made during this act. (450 sheep that have lost their lives today) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/ 08/AR2005070800553_pf.html This ones real by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Saturday, July 09 at 06:45AM My God. I thought you were joking. Where do you nd weird stuff like this? I cant believe the Washington Post (AP) actually printed this! Re: This ones real by Matthew on Sunday, July 10 at 11:24PM Um, in the Washington Post? Sheep..le by Mitch protect.yourself@removed.com on Tuesday, July 12 at 12:49PM This is a great story, I personally would have parodied the story with a play on all the Sheeple in the world! I work with some people like the 2+ sheep, blindly following whoever is in front. Thanks for catching this story. Almost accurate by Andrew SocialConservative@removed.com on Wednesday, July 13 at 08:14PM Actually, many many more than 450 jumped, but the rest failed in their attempted suicides by landing on the uffy corpses of their more successful peers.212 Re: Almost accurate by Tyson on Thursday, July 21 at 10:05AM Now we know why sheep are uffy! Over thousands of years of evolution, self-sacricing uffy sheep survive better over equally stupid angry bony sheep.213

211. This is true. Sadly, 450 sheep died. Amazingly, 1000 didnt. 212. Thats pretty much exactly what the article says. 213. Tyson, for shame. Sheep are uffy because God wants us to wear them as socks.

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133

Maxis creates Similization

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday September 03, 2002 at 01:28PM From the Demeaning-of-Life dept. EA-Maxis, developers of famous simulations including SimAnt, SimCoaster, and SimLandll, have released their crowning achievement: Similization. Similar to the recent hit game The Sims, in which players control the lives of otherwise purposeless computer simulated humans, Similization expands game play to billions of concurrent Sims and increases realism by removing all player control beyond specifying the initial starting conditions. We realized that by allowing the player214 to control the life of the Sims, unrealistic situations were occurring. Players would invariably concentrate on one215 or two Sims at a time, and those Sims would end up attracting large groups of followers, which would subsequently begin constructing extremely elaborate buildings216 for no apparent purpose. says Maxis lead developer Ian Combs Weve nally truly mapped the human experience in Similization, which the players compete by setting up starting conditions and then watching how far the Similization goes before destroying itself. So far in the six thousand simulations weve run in the lab, weve seen three end scenarios emerge: collapse by viral agent, global nuclear war, and mass starvation brought on by environmental changes. The starvation one is the most common. Its all very exciting. Weve created an environment that so closely matches human experience, that weve seen remarkable parallels in some of our running lab simulations. he continues. For example, we have Sims who have developed the ability to create software that simulates their own existence. If you look really closely, you can see me, right there in that Sim EA building, pointing at something on that monitor there. (EA-Maxis) www.ea.com/ (SimAnt) directory.google.com/Top/Games/Video_Games/Simulation/God_Games/Sim_Games/ SimAnt/?tc=1 (SimCoaster) www.simcoaster.ea.com/main.html (SimLandll) www.epa.gov/epahome/hi-brownelds.htm (Similization) www.ea.com/eagames/ofcial/thesimsonline/play/play_index.jsp (The Sims) thesims.ea.com/ (the player) www.newadvent.org/cathen/08374c.htm (one) www.mormon.org/learn/0,8672,957-1,00.html (two) www.mormon.org/learn/0,8672,963-1,00.html (extremely elaborate buildings) www.lds.org/temples/chronological/0,11206,1900-1,00.html

214. A link to the Catholic Churchs ofcial biography of Jesus Christ. 215. A link to the LDS churchs ofcial biography of its rst prophet, Joseph Smith, and the next is to Brigham Young, the one the football team is named for. We were all raised Mormon, so were allowed to reference them in satire. Membership has its benets. 216. This links to the LDS church website page on their temples.

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Adobe desperately afraid of Photoshoppers

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 12, 2004 at 01:01PM From the patently-absurd dept. matthew writes: Adobe Systems, Inc., is desperately afraid217 of a diverse group of people who call themselves Photoshoppersthose who say that they photoshop images rather than using Adobe Photoshop to manipulate images. Why? Because by using the name of Adobes Premier Photoshop software as anything other than a proper adjective may tend to dilute the strength of Photoshops trademark. Look what happened to SPAM. Says Adobe General Counsel Harmonious Harm Harper218. They had a strong trademarkan invented word, with a single meaning, that was well protected. Then along came unsolicited commercial e-mail. You cant wipe your ass with the value of that trademark now. It happened to Jello, Band-aid, Xerox, Kleenexa lot of strong American brands. Its not going to happen to Photoshop. Some would say that being subsumed into the vernacular is the ultimate sign of trademark success. Just for fun, we googled Slashnotted and came up with two hitscertainly a harbinger of fame for this site. Adobe is desperately afraid that the words it appropriated from English to describe its products will be appropriated by English to describe its products. Do your part to help this corporation retain the strength of their trademark rights by modifying the way you speak and think to t their needs. Adobe, Premier, and Photoshop are registered trademarks of Adobe Systems, Inc. (Adobe) www.adobe.com/misc/trade.html#photoshop (Photoshoppers) bushwhacked.net/forumdisplay/f-37.html (photoshop) www.americanafro.com/gallery/album05 The link is like by FA on Monday, January 12 at 01:21PM ten times funnier than the story. They cant be serious. Re: The link is like by matthew on Monday, January 12 at 07:08PM Yeah, after I wrote this I realized that it wasnt funny, it was just, well, actual reporting. Sorry. I wont let it happen again. Re: The link is like by Tyson on Tuesday, January 13 at 10:17AM But the link is great! Sometimes, the news is its own satire. Absurd Trademarks by HoqpoH on Monday, January 12 at 02:41PM I wonder if theyve patented there trademark rules.

217. A link to a page at Adobe asking people not to refer to photoshopping, photoshopped, or photoshopper. Yep, its real. 218. If I somehow knew that my son would be a lawyer when he grew up, Id name him Harmonious.

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No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Tuesday, January 13 at 11:45PM This reminds me of the time back in the 80s when we bought a set of Legos for my sister and it came with a paper giving a stern lecture about how you were supposed to refer to them. Legos wrong, Lego(tm) Brand Bricks right. If Adobe had any sense theyd jump on the bandwagon and advertise with slogans like Im a Photoshopper or Photoshop this. And verbing the word themselves would even give them some protection from trademark dilution Re: Mr Reg Trademark by Mane Mane@removed.com on Saturday, January 17 at 08:41AM This is very serious! Sony no longer owns the word walkman because of its generic public usage interestingly (or whatever the opposite of that is) Xerox(tm) do not have that problem because if they become aware of anybody doing any xeroxing on a non-Xerox(tm) brand machine they send them a letter advising them of the correct usage. If only more companies would make the effort to do the same Re: Mr Reg Trademark by Matthew on Sunday, January 18 at 10:38AM I feel my heart bleeding for Sonys loss. If only more companies would threaten me for the way I choose to speak. Im so much in favor of corporate rights over my own. Re: Mr Reg Trademark by Michael on Tuesday, January 20 at 05:55AM Wow, I never realized that Sony was suffering just as much as Britney Spears suffers when people download music online. Re: Mr Reg Trademark by Lavahead on Thursday, January 22 at 01:57AM No this is not very serious. Its only serious for corporations. And last I checked it wasnt illegal for me to refer to just *any* photocopy as a Xerox. Why? BECAUSE WE LIVE IN AMERICA!!! Re: Mr Reg Trademark by peter peter1@removed.com.au on Monday, January 26 at 07:52PM Actually, I live in Australia, but I still reserve the right to call antipodean219 copiers Xeroxes if I really want to

219. Antipodean means On the other side of the world. Just saving you a trip to the dictionary. Aussies use it to refer to things Australian when they dont want anyone to know what the hell theyre talking about.

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German Ubermensch developeder, born

Posted by Matthew on Saturday June 26, 2004 at 09:12PM From the Damn-good-thing-this-didnt-happen-80-years-ago dept. Matthew writes: A German toddler born four years ago develops twice the muscle mass and half the fat as a normal toddler. He has inherited two defective genes that block the production of myostatin, a protein that interferes with muscle development in Humans. The two defective genes also serve to block the development of the human isospectral retinoglobin220, a protein that expands the spectrum detectible by the eye through the ultraviolet and into the x-ray spectrum, and promotes the production of exodermic keratinase which causes extremely tough skin similar to that of an armadillo. The genes are also suspected factors in the diseases elastioligamentosis (extreme elasticity of the ligaments which allows extreme high jumping and the ability to survive falls from great heights) and chirostrontiotrophy, whose sufferers develop extrememly strong and heavy bones because they absorb strontium (a molecular calcium mimic) rather than true calcium into their bones. Doctors have been monitoring the German uberkind since birth for signs of ill effects, but so far say that he is developing normally except for his penchant for moving parked vehicles around to confuse their owners. (A German toddler born four years ago develops twice the muscle mass and half the fat as a normal toddler) www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/06/24/wmuscle24.xml&sSheet=/news/ 2004/06/24/ixworld.html

220. I made this and all the following conditions up. Pretty good eh?

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Redundant Array of Inexpensive Fish

Posted by Charles Perkins on Tuesday December 10, 2002 at 05:28PM From the icky-theology dept. Charles Perkins writes: Jorgen Hansensensen221, a prominent San Diego cryptographic researcher, has developed a new more reliable pet management methodology modeled on computer storage technology. Like many families, we have pets, Jorgen tells the San Diego Mercurial News. But it is always such a traumatic event when one dies or runs away. Just last week our cat Bob ran away at the same time the hard drive of my Sparc Ultra bit the dust. I found myself wishing we had an emergency backup cat that I could swap in before Hans could notice and throw a t, or before my wife could get on me again about my absent-minded and erratic cat-feeding habits. Cats are expensive though, Hans continues, And easy to tell apart, kind of like big SCSI disks. What I needed was a cheaper animal that I could swap out more quickly. I was thinking about that and then my screen-saver kicked in and all of a sudden I had it! Fish! I am happy to say that our new aquarium is working out nicely. RAIF level 5 by matthew on Tuesday, December 10 at 06:36PM Ive found that at array sizes higher than 5, it becomes very difcult to determine whether or not an array member is ofine. I recommend to those considering RAIF-1 (replacing) that RAIF-5 (schooling) is far more effective. Re: RAIF level 5 by Captain Shenanigan chuck/@removed.com on Tuesday, December 10 at 09:09PM Ofine sh tend to rise to the top of the queue. They indicate their ofine status by ipping over and oating upside-down. Schools do make it easier to recover from multiple simultaneous failure though. No Subject Given by Michael on Wednesday, December 11 at 01:26AM I actually have an excessively redundant array of inexpensive sh. The more I neglect the tank and forget to feed them, the more they reproduce. Im thinking of adding a big sh just to eat some of them. Re: JBOF by Matthew on Wednesday, December 11 at 01:33AM When you combine all your sh into a single large sh, its referred to as JBOF (Just a Big Old Fish), which technically isnt a RAIF level.222 Re: JBOF by Michael on Wednesday, December 11 at 03:41AM I think Ill just call it centralized storage.

221. Jorgen is the protagonist of all of Chucks posts. Im not sure why. 222. There really is a combined disk mode called JBOD (Just a Big Old Disk) that combines disks together without any protective redundancy. In the category of other acronyms I really like are POTS line (Plain Old Telephone Servicealso a common industry term) and TWA (Transworld Airlines) just because the acronym has more syllables and is harder to say than the whole name. I came to really appreciate the Navys syllabic abbreviations like cincpaceet (for Commander In Chief, Pacic Fleet) when I came across a copy of the the DicNavAb (Dictionary of Naval Abbreviations).

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Re: JBOF by Simon Dudding simon.dudding/@removed.net.nz on Wednesday, December 11 at 05:16PM Perhaps its a PANa Piscine Area Network? Re: JBOF by Captain Shenanigan chuck/@removed.com on Thursday, December 12 at 05:05PM Or a FiN, Fish intra-Net.

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RIAA sues former president Hilary Rosen

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 20, 2003 at 01:05AM From the what-comes-around-goes-round-and-round dept. matthew writes: Hilary Rosen, former president of RIAA, was recently sued as part of RIAAs anti-piracy campaign. She received a letter notifying her of the suit based on the presence of a Kazaa le share on her computer containing 2,110 downloaded songs. According to current RIAA president Mitch Bainwol, the lawsuit was led automatically, and would be retracted, since past RIAA Presidents are automatically granted amnesty223. In order to process the 60 million or so lawsuits RIAA will be ling, weve created an automated system we call scan-n-sue that automatically detects the presence of Kazaa or Gnutella on a computers attached to the Internet, subpoenas their ISP to determine their identity information, and les a lawsuit based on the information received from the subpoena. Of course, with completely automated systems, this sort of thing can happen. Now that I think about it, Hilary had become somewhat furtive when people walked into her ofce in the weeks before she left. I naturally assumed she was browsing for porn. (RIAA) www.riaa.com/ (granted amnesty) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A29910-2003Sep5.html (60 million or so lawsuits RIAA will be ling) www.bigheadben.com/weblog/archives/000004.html (scan-n-sue) www.internetnews.com/bus-news/article.php/2236071 (Kazaa) www.kazaa.com/us/index.htm (Gnutella) www.gnutella.com/ (subpoenas their ISP) www.riaa.com/news/lings/verizon.asp

223. Unfortunately, this article no longer exists, so the mystery of why this post was funny is forever lost.

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Web Standards Group Approves New <SLAP> Tag

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 04, 2003 at 04:55PM From the title-so-funny-it-doesnt-really-need-a-story dept. Dave Oatley writes: BOUTOOME, MAThe world wide web consortium, the body that approves standards for information exchange over the web, today announced approval of a new HTML tag. The implementation is left to browser developers, said Hans Reegwerd, and of course the user will need supporting hardware. Reegwerd, a w3c committee member responsible for the new tag, says it is long overdue. Popups and ashing banners are annoying, sure, but users can disable them pretty easily. The BLINK tag was never fully implemented by the major browsers. The MARQUEE tag, while very annoying, is easily defeated with a user-specied stylesheet. And neither of these addressed the need to annoy sight-impaired users. What we were trying to create was a simple way for the author to annoy the user that wouldnt be so easily turned off. The consortiums own browser supports the tag, sending a signal to a force-feedback mouse causing it to leap off the desk and strike the user. When asked if this would be done when the user did something wrong, Reegwerd responded, Thats one appropriate use, sure. Leading operating system suppliers hail the new development. It adds a tool to a currently very thin toolset, said one development manager under condition of anonymity. To help implementation along, the next version of our O/S will require the latest browser and force-feedback hardware. Its time we take the PC back from the user. Users groups have expressed anger and shock over the introduction of the new tag. SLAP?! I guess it is the next natural step, but still. Wow, said Ernest Bert Calloway, a freelance web-developer, when shown the consortiums announcement. No author will use it. Why would they224? Reegwerd disagrees, No one thought applets had any place on the web. No one thought there would be any reason to have pop-ups. But these technologies have found their niche, and were condent authors will be SLAPing their visitors shortly. When asked about users bypassing or disabling the tag, Reegwerd replied, Some will, sure. But most users dont know what any of those settings are. Theyre afraid to mess something up. And by the time the third party folks send around software to disable it, a new browser version will come out that stores the settings some other way. Theres no escape, he laughed, maniacally, all your browsers are belong to us!225 attributes? by Chris spam@removed.com on Wednesday, November 05 at 11:28AM But what are the approved attributes for the tag? force = hard|soft hand = left|right|bothChris Additional attributes for IE by matthew on Thursday, November 06 at 01:46PM Microsoft has announced that they will be implementing a proprietary tag implemented only in IE. Here are the details: type=pimp|bitch226
224. Popups would totally use it. 225. All your [whatever] are belong to us! is a common meme amongst geeks on the net. It refers to a very badly translated 1990 Japanese graphic adventure game in which one of the characters, the leader of an invading alien force, declares: All your base are belong to us!. In 2001, screenshots of the game hit the Internet, and it became a momentary phenomenon, including T-shirts and all the other accoutraments of momentary fame. Youll see it in at least three or four articles in this book, so you will be tested on it.

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No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, November 10 at 09:52PM Konquerer apparently supports two undocumented type attributes: monkey|bishop Insanely brilliant by Gwobl rlehtine@removed.com on Wednesday, November 12 at 10:18AM This is the coolest site. I think I will make it my new home page227. My mouse will leave me alone if I change my mind, though, right? Re: Insanely brilliant by Matthew on Thursday, November 20 at 06:17PM It really depends on your mouse. Of course, were not responsible for your mouses reaction to your decision.

226. This must be the tag Einstein used. 227. I hope hes kidding. Im pretty sure he is. Pretty.

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Satire Site Confounded

Posted by Charles Perkins on Friday April 01, 2005 at 05:32PM From the What-the-heck-is-going-on? dept. Noted technology satire portal SlashNOT disappointed loyal readers by posting neither a scathing caricature of traditional news nor an unexpectedly serious article on April 1st228, the traditional day for pranks and spoofs. Well, what can we do? replied SlashNOT spokesman Matthew, when queried about the sites lack of new material. Were supposed to be a parody site. That doesnt work if the thing Im trying to lampoon of is already fake, and with the Internet so full of crap today its hard to nd a good story to make fun of. Take the top story on SlashDOT right nowEU to Ban Macs. Like THATs going to happen. The EU might ban English, or the Dollar, but not the Mac. Steve Jobs is half French, after all. Even the traditional media is getting into the act, Matthew continues. The San Francisco Chronicle has announced that Wolfowitz has been conrmed as World Bank chief. Now thats a little off our usual topic, but it shows just how far things have gone. What it comes down to is thison April 1st, everybody else is doing our job for us. (Wolfowitz has been conrmed as World Bank chief.) www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?le=/chronicle/ archive/2005/04/01/MNGDTC1LD21.DTL Ooops by Matthew on Friday, April 01 at 06:14PM Sorrydidnt see this until after I posted the serious Sony story. Oh well. Re: Ooops by Charles Perkins chuck@removed.com on Friday, April 01 at 06:38PM Well I suppose I could have warned you. Its not like you were expecting ME to post a story or anything Re: Ooops by Michael Moncur on Sunday, April 03 at 09:41PM I like the idea that on April 1st SlashNOT posts serious stories229

228. I did actually post a serious rant on April 1st, but Chuck and I cross-posted. However, being not funny, the article about how the PSP sucks because it lacks a hard disk and an online store didnt make the cut for this book. 229. Yeah, it seems like it would be funny, but it isnt.

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Napster merges with Hampster

Posted by Michael on Thursday September 05, 2002 at 01:19AM From the dancing-with-mp3s dept. Squid writes: On Tuesday, the courts blocked the sale of music le-sharing service Napster to Bertelsmann AG. Now, on the brink of liquidation, Napster has completed a successful merger with its second choice, the classic entertainment Web site Hampsterdance.com. This will be a boon to both companies, says Napster CEO Konrad Hilbers. It allows Napster to emerge as a more serious Web enterprise. The merged company is already working on a new site, Napsterdance.com, which will feature animated images of a dancing Napster logo, a dancing hamster, and Napster founder Shawn Fanning230. No source of revenue was announced, but analysts remain hopeful. (blocked the sale) siliconvalley.internet.com/news/article.php/1456081 (Napster) www.napster.com/ (Hampsterdance.com) www.hampsterdance.com/ (Napsterdance.com) www.agag.com/gallery.shtml

230. Now that would actually be funny. I dont know if youve ever seen Shawn, but he looks a lot like a hamster.

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SlashNotes: Life imitates satire

Posted by Matthew on Friday September 24, 2004 at 03:21PM From the news-before-it-happens dept. Matthew writes: In yet another example of SlashNOT prognosticating real news231, Google News has actually been accused of bias in its news reporting, by none other than the staid USC Annenberg school for communication. Dont forget to read the comments, and the related story232 from the SlashNOT mailbag. (SlashNOT prognosticating real news) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=258 (Google News) news.google.com (actually been accused of bias in its news reporting) www.ojr.org/ojr/technology/1095977436.php (USC Annenberg school for communication) ascweb.usc.edu/home.php (related story) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=401 Comments by deVas intothevoid@removed.com on Sunday, September 26 at 12:57PM It says Dont forget to read the comments,[..] but unfortunately there are no comments. deVas Re: Comments by matthew on Sunday, September 26 at 05:52PM Comments in the original Google news accused of Bias satirical story. Or, in your case, dont bother. You wont get it anyway. Prognostication, or duplication? by Evil Wafe on Monday, September 27 at 10:22AM Geez guys.. if your going to make up the news the least you can do is come up with your own idea. And make sure to back it up with some statistics or quotes from guys like Professor HG Weinerstein at the Institute for Media Bias Analysis. That or just blame the whole thing on some ultra-secret, needlessly complicated conspiracy theory. In the meantime, good work SlashNOT.. *still waiting for the articial stupidity story to come true* No Subject Given by women-black-fat-1963 ndvoufdv1109@removed.ca on Tuesday, March 08 at 09:45PM <a href=http://fat-black-women8746.removed.com/>women black fat</a>233

231. We often times satirize things that subsequently become true. Its quite annoying, because when people read it in retrospect, its only funny if they know when it was written. 232. This is the story earlier in the book Reader fails to grasp Satire 233. SlashNOT gets routinely spammed by idiots abusing our open comment policy. We normally automatically remove anything in the database including any profanity and the words casino, gambling, or texas (because we dont want to accidentally mess with Texas).

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Shocking Development
Posted by Matthew on Friday July 29, 2005 at 11:14PM From the Siezureworld234 dept. Me writes: Scientists have developed a new way to prevent the elderly from falling235shocking them236. Dr. Owen Lift of the prestigious Kevorkian University describes this amazing technique. You see, explains Dr. Lift, Too often, our elderly parents suffer painful falls. It is a part of their diminished ability to maintain balance. This can often result in lengthy hospital stays, followed by rehabilitation in nursing homes. This is very costly, and reduces their resources that could be passed down to their offspring. This is what motivated me to develop this ankle bracelet. Dr. Lift proceeded to show me one of the ankle bracelets attached to a car battery. This, he described, is the culmination of months of research. When the patient begins to topple over, a small charge is sent through the bracelet, into the ankle, which in turn, sends a message to the brain. The patient then knows to correct his or her orientation to prevent falling. If the patient does not correct, the voltage is gradually increased based upon the vertical angle of the patient. Larger voltages are sometimes needed to get their attention, them being old and all. I asked Dr. Lift if this was safe. Dr. Lift guffawed, Of course it is safe! I wouldnt be using my own mother to test if it were not safe. He then continued, And on top of it, I offer this guarantee to any buyers: If you use this product, and your parents suffer debilitating injury resulting in savings draining hospital stays, you get your money back. I then asked about what happens when Mom or Dad goes to sleep at night. Shell nd out. he said with a mysterious grin, shell nd out (falling) www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/07/18/spark.fall/index.html (Dr. Owen Lift) www.imdb.com/title/tt0094142/

234. I have a friend whose grandmother lives at Leisureworld. It sounds like a horrically Orwellian setting for a sci- movie about a world gone horribly awry to me. 235. This story is mostly true. You should check out the links. 236. Automatic corrective shocks are an astonishingly under-used technology. Ive got a two year old, a four year old, and a six year old, and Im jealous of how quickly my friends are able to train their dogs.

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UN study details environmental impact of satire

Posted by Matthew on Monday March 08, 2004 at 11:25AM From the green-and-white dept. Matthew writes: According to a study conducted at the United Nations University, satirical shorts consume an average of 55 kilograms of raw materials each237a dramatic environmental cost basically equivalent to the weight of an adult human female. While most of the material weight is in the form of water contained in the massive 64-ounce Mountain Dew fountain drinks consumed in the production of satire, an unexpected amount of petroleum products are consumed in the trip to the gas station to acquire the requisite Mountain Dew. Trace chemicals such as caffeine, glucose, and whatever the crumbly coconut coating on mini-donuts is made of compose the remainder of the raw materials. This report shows just how important it is to re-use and recycle satire, rather than simply forgetting about it or letting it get stale when the news is parodies is no longer current. Says Eric Williams, a researcher at the United Nations University (UNU) in Tokyo and one of the reports co-authors. We need to get used to hearing the same gags multiple times, and we should all do a lot more e-mail forwarding of links to joke sites to reduce the amount of new satire that we need to produce. (According to a study conducted at the United Nations University) www.infoworld.com/article/04/03/07/ hnunstudy_1.html LugRadio.org by sparkes sparkes@removed.biz on Tuesday, March 09 at 02:59PM We consume a lot of cafne and pizza in the production of satire over at www.lugradio.org We are planning on recycling more and more old BBC sketches to cut down on the fossil fuels used to create the programme. To make things worse the donut consumption on episode two was far in excess of the rst episode dispite the fact they contained custard! Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Reveal, Rebel www.lugradio.org is your friend ;-)

237. Its amazing how much of what we do is based on dogma and not on facts. Consider this: Recycling glass doesnt save any energy. It also doesnt create any permanent impact on the environment, since glass either winds up being buried, crushed and ground back into quartz crystals (sand) or washed to the sea, smashed, and eroded back into quartz crystals rather rapidly. Recycling glass is actually just a huge waste of timeunless youre going to wash bottles and re-use them, which we arent. But recycling paper does require considerably less energy than new paper production and reduces the tree harvest. Recycling plastic does require less energy and reduces oil production requirements. So remember: Glass stupid, paper and plastic smart. But dont try to tell a recycling fanatic any of this.

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Enterprise Linux: As Predicted by SlashNOT

Posted by Michael on Friday March 14, 2003 at 03:14AM From the ne-line-between-satire-and-inspiration dept. Michael writes: Red Hat has released Enterprise Linux this week, fullling SlashNOTs prediction published in September of 2002 and cleverly disguised as a parody. We at SlashNOT are humble about our precognition, said SlashNOT cofounder Michael, but we do like to brag when were right. While the new product is designed to be a true Enterprise-class platform, as we predicted, the current version does not appear to include the sound effects or warp kernel mentioned in Matthews original article238. Were sure these are planned for the next release. (Enterprise Linux) www.redhat.com/software/rhel/ (prediction) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=83 (precognition) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=244 (Enterprise) www.stenterprise.com/ (sound effects) www.ibiblio.org/pub/multimedia/sun-sounds/startrek/

238. Yet another story thats a lot less funny after the fact.

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Book Review: Security Jumpstart

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 12, 2002 at 01:30PM From the ethics dept. Matthew writes: Security Jumpstart239 (2002, Sybex240) by Matthew Strebe, is a largish trade-format sized book of 300 pagesrather thin for this size format. The cover is a glaring red and white separated by a bolt of black, with two jumper cables and a spark emitted in the gap between them. Frankly, the cover art seems a bit low-brow. The choice of fonts in the book was courageous although perhaps misguided241. One doesnt often see sans serif fonts used for the primary text of technical book. The font does convey a certain sense of whimsy, but its odd proportions and lack of serifs can be straining on eyes more accustomed to Garamond or Times New Roman. The format uses an innovated side-bar approach to dene terms contained in the text in a way that is neither distracting nor inconvenient. These terms are in bold face in the text, which seems an appropriate way to indicate a digression, although underlining might become more popular as the web absorbs the bulk of our reading now. The artwork throughout the book is typical fare for technical books, and each chapter is prefaced with a black and white lead page that repeats the cover art. In summary, the books oddly tall size, thinness, and bold red cover art will make it standout on your shelf. Whether thats good or bad is up to you. Our grade: C+ [Note: This review was written by Matthew Strebe, the author of the subject book] Jumpstart to secure monitor by JC on Friday, December 13 at 01:32AM I have been looking for something just about that size and shape, solid, to prop the old monitor with a broken base. I think the color will be in tune with my ofce. Could I get it autographed? Thanks in advance JC Re: Jumpstart to secure monitor by Matthew on Friday, December 13 at 09:36AM Absolutely! Being a paperback, its especially useful for propping due to its support for AdaptiveThickness(tm) page tear out technology242. The review by Daniel on Saturday, December 14 at 11:27AM If only all book reviews were this informative, life would be a better place.243

239. Was re-issued as Network Security Foundations, which is still in print. 240. My publisher got bought by Wiley. Ive been orphaned, hence the self-published book. 241. More than a bit. It sucked so badly that they had to re-issue the book under a different name. 242. This is the same technology that will make The Best of SlashNOT useful for years to come. 243. I think this is my brother daan, disguised as someone named Daniel.

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Scientists recommend reintroducing wild species to North America

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 18, 2005 at 09:26AM From the Think-Global,-Act-Loco dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have recommended reintroducing types of large vertebrates to North America that became largely extinct244 during the urban renewals of the 1990s. Pimps, hoes245, junkies, tweakers, and street punks have become extinct across large portions of North America as their habitats of abandoned hotels, peep show theatres, and urban warehouses have been slashed and burned in the 1990s to make way for high-rise condos, retro lamp posts, tony restaurants, and safe, police patrolled streets. East St. Louis246 is basically the only remaining habitat for many of these large vertebrate species. Think about it: When was the last time you were mugged?247 Its likely that your children might never experience a mugging if we dont act now. (Scientists have recommended reintroducing types of large vertebrates to North America that became largely extinct) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4160560.stm Bums, hobos, etc by zhoen http://onewordisenough.blogspot.com/ on Thursday, August 18 at 01:47PM There have been some sightings of colonies of them in the subways of Boston as well. Still, mating pairs are extremely rare, or really, unheard of. No worries by daan on Friday, August 19 at 03:14PM Its no permanent loss. Convergent evolution will bring back functional equivalents of those species in time as new waves of urban decay and backlashes against safe, wholesome neighborhoods wash over the cities. Convergent evolution is the same mechanism that caused some mammals look like sharks, some to look like birds, and some to look like Elvis.

244. This is an article written by scientists who recommend re-introducing elephants, lions, gazelles, zebra, wildebeast, and all manner of other African mega-fauna to the great plains region, in an attempt to keep them around for a few more centuries. 245. Im not actually sure how to spell the plural form of Ho. Its not in my dictionary. 246. Dont know if youve been there, but East St. Louis is rugged. 247. True story. Before down town San Diegos urban renewal took hold in 1988, I was walking home from a movie theater with a friend down 12th avenue. Some guy ran up behind us claiming that we were going to get drive byd by some of his homies if we didnt give him $50 for three tiny clumps of brown sugar that he claimed were crack cocaine. Apparently, by engaging in this transaction, we would prove that we werent narcs, and they wouldnt drive by us. Unfortunately, we only had a total of $2.83 between the two of us, a fact which made him rather upset. Anyway, after about 10 minutes of haranguing us, during which time he pulled out a .380 PocketLite and waved it around, he ran off. I didnt realize Id been mugged until two hours later.

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Linux Desktop Standard Running in Circles

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 21, 2003 at 01:12AM From the Fear-the-Penguin dept. Matthew writes: Executives at the California headquarters of RedHat Linux have been stumped by the behavior of coders in the Desktop Environment division. New coders brought in to assist in the migration to KDE have the original Enlightenment248 coders going very rapidly in circles249. At rst, we had Enlightenment, and that was it. We had a few apps, we were happy. Everything was pretty. People liked looking at us, but admittedly we didnt do much. When the executives nally decided that they had to introduce the K Desktop Environment or start losing ground to other distributions, they hired six KDE coders and introduced them to the cubicles. It wasnt long before the KDE coders had the Enlightment coders off on a tangent in an attempt to migrate to some mythical place. Theyve been going in circles for weeks now, not even stopping for cokes. Its weird, and we dont really know when its going to end. Weve lost complete control. (Executives) seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story. asp?category=1110&slug=Swimming%20Penguins (RedHat) www.redhat.com (Linux) www.computerworld.com/softwaretopics/os/linux/story/0,10801,77509,00.html (stumped by the behavior of coders) www.dailybulletin.com/Stories/0,1413,203214811120184,00.html (going very rapidly in circles) www.planetark.org/dailynewsstory.cfm/newsid/19498/story.htm (Weve lost complete control) www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1042810966486_242/ ?hub=World No Subject Given by Michael on Wednesday, January 22 at 02:22AM Every time an airplane ies overhead, the entire staff falls over.250

248. Enlightenment was supposed to be the end-all, be-all of desktop standards that would nally break Linux into the serious desktop market. It took a long time and got nowhere. 249. This is a link to an article about how some wild penguins were introduced into a zoo population, and they induced a mad two week long marathon of swimming in circles around the pool. Penguins are the mascots of Linux. 250. Link to a video of penguins watching a plane y overhead and falling over en-mass when the plane goes past.

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Ebay allows grilled cheese auction after clarication

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 17, 2004 at 05:47PM From the in-the-cheese-of-the-beholder dept. Matthew writes: The sale of a 10 year old grilled cheese sandwich that the owner claims shows the image of the Virgin Mary was abruptly pulled from the auction site, but then allowed to return after the owner claried that the image was actually that of the inventor of spread spectrum frequency hopping used in modern cellphones Heddy Lamar251. Ebays anti-fraud policies prevent outrageous claims and the sale of items that would perpetrate fraud. Our experts determined conclusively that the simulacra in question was an image of Heddy Lamar, not the Virgin Mary. Once the owner corrected the sale, we allowed it to continue. (10 year old grilled cheese sandwich) www.14we.com/Global/story.asp?S=2574910&nav=3w6oTDku (the image of the Virgin Mary) images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&q=virgin+mary (inventor of spread spectrum frequency hopping) www.inventions.org/culture/female/lamarr.html (Heddy Lamar) silverscreensirens.com/galleries/hedy15.htm (simulacra) www.skeptics.com.au/journal/simulacrum.htm (the Virgin Mary) www.canoe.ca/CNEWSWeirdNews0105/02_miracle-par.html BVM on toast by Joan Winslow joan@xmission.com on Wednesday, November 17 @06:28PM Looked like Jean Harlow to me. If they spread Orange marmalade in the shape of Cary Grant on top, it would be perfect. Re: BVM on toast by Matthew on Sunday, December 05 @12:53AM Hm. It actually does look more like Jean Harlow! BVM on toast by Joan Winslow joan@xmission.com on Wednesday, November 17 @06:31PM Sorry, forgot the link.http://www.tgfmall.com/tgf/hllywood/harlow32.jpg Virgin Mary by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, November 18 @12:21PM Kinda funny. The face on the sandwich was very Caucasian looking. Amazing how white Jesus family was living in the Middle East.252

251. MmmHeddy Lamar. Hot and smart. And dead. 252. Dude, its a cheese sandwich. Try not to overreach.

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Scientists discover SlashNOT brain region

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 23, 2005 at 06:02PM From the more-brains dept. Matthew writes: Some brain damaged people cannot understand SlashNOT (as evidenced by many of the comment posts) and scientists in Israel have discovered why. A specic region of the brain, the prefrontal slashnotomedial area, is responsible for detecting hidden meaning in short satirical posts. When this portion of the brain is damaged or fails to develop normally, the ironic meaning is lost and the person takes the post literally. Essentially, the person lacks empathy. Because they cannot understand what the other person is thinking, the meaning is lost. Lesions in this area of the brain can cause both a loss of empathy and the attendant inability to understand sarcasm. To help combat the loss of satirical understanding, SlashNOT has committed 100% of its after-prot revenues253 to funding research into various therapies for the brain damaged and stupid. (Some brain damaged people cannot understand SlashNOT) www.forbes.com/lifestyle/health/feeds/ hscout/2005/05/23/hscout525874.html Insensitive by HumorIsAlwaysMean on Monday, May 23 at 06:58PM I think you should be more aware of the slurs you write so casually. There are plenty of genetic and environmental reasons why peoples mental faculties might run in different directions than yours. One of those reasons might be differently-developed regions of the brain. That does not make them stupid or brain damaged. Theyre just other-enabled, and they live lives just as rich and meaningful as anyone else. While I wouldnt want to be judgmental, you might reconsider who it is who lacks empathy, and include yourself in the set of candidates this time. Re: Insensitive by Matthew on Monday, May 23 at 07:30PM 1) People who try not to offend every one of 100,000 visitors cannot be funny. 2) This is a humor website. 3) What makes you think that I lack awareness of the potential for offense? Why would you judge that I lack the capacity for other peoples feelings just because I consciously choose to ridicule them? Im absolutely offended that you would make these presumptions about me! How dare you judge my empathetic capacity in that way, and fail to consider that I may be perfectly able to consider the feelings of others and then deliberately choose to ignore them! I, sir, am an empath of the rst order. I am also an asshole of the rst order. It is you who lacks the self-awareness to realize that your namby-pamby dedication to inoffense is inherently hypocritical, unsustainable, and harmful both to yourself and those who are forced to rely upon your ability to reason based on fact. Stand up, grow some testicles, and judge people with true vehemence! Then your bathetic whining will be, at least, funny.254 Re: Insensitive by CharlesJo.com charles@removed.com on Tuesday, May 24 at 08:12AM I believe the politically correct term is fun-challenged.
253. SlashNOT makes about $200 per year in ad revenue. Thanks for buying the book! 254. I didnt take this as personally as it sounds.

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Re: Insensitive by Ryder Step rmstep2mtu.edu on Tuesday, May 24 at 01:52PM Lol, this guy is taking this site a little too serious eh? I read the original article on Slashdot which was about people not being able to understand SARCASIM255 because of brain damage to the forehead(maybe his response to the article was sarcasim in disguiseand we have brain damage that doesnt let us understand him256) Anyways I just this site today, and enjoyed all the articles, I plan on visiting for updates (which appear to be fairly regular) What kind of trafc does your site get?257 You should submit it to slashdotit would be funny to see SlashNOT get slashdotted258 (as if slashdotted has become a verb) Anyways, keep up the good work! I will be reading! Re: Insensitive by CharlesJo.com charles@removed.com on Tuesday, May 24 at 09:00PM I think its a neat idea here too. It makes me wonder thoughthere are plenty of sarcasm in the/. community already259 so SlashNOT is kinds of like a TV show that is a parody of The Daily Show. Re: Trafc by Matthew on Wednesday, May 25 at 01:14AM We get about 10,000 people a week currently. Re: Insensitive by CplBurrito on Wednesday, May 25 at 01:19AM Slashdot routinely deletes mention of SlashNOT.. I think theyre afraid of you. We dedicated slashnotters should attack them GN style with mad links back. Re: Insensitive by zhoen http://onewordisenough.blogspot.com/on Wednesday, May 25 at 05:12AM I think you are all meanies. So there. I dont get any of this. Why do I keep reading this? Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Do you have any good recipes for vegetarian miso? Re: Insensitive by Ryder Step rmstep2mtu.edu on Wednesday, May 25 at 09:43AM Thats kindove stupid that slashdot wont recognize this site. And by the way, love the parody of CmdrTaco -> CprlBurritoQuality nameI should take one of their names and distort itmuhahaha!! Re: Insensitive by CharlesJo.com charles@removed.com on Wednesday, May 25 at 12:40PM As I see it,/.s value is in the community comments. We can all nd the actual articles ourselves at The Register, CNET, etc., but its the community responses I really enjoy. Perhaps/. is afraid that/! will take the community away. BTW, I have submitted articles here and no response260. This one, I am actually proud of: The New York Times to Change Name to Free Registration Required http://www.charlesjo. com/newsletterissue?newsletterIssueEntityId=315

255. Or spell sarcasm. 256. It was. My brother daan wrote the rst post to egg me on. 257. We sustain about 2500 visits per day. Nobody clicks on the ads though. 258. Yeah, weve made that joke before. 259. Yes, but SlashNOT is satire, which is the funny version of sarcasm. 260. This dude spent a few weeks trying to get us to post links to his website, which was a satirical parody of Slashdot.

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Re: Insensitive by Matthew on Monday, May 30 at 09:44PM Yeah, we have a policy of not posting content that has already been posted on another/your website. Its due partly to our copyright clause and partly to our must-actually-be-funny clause. (although the part where Torvalds nds out that Jobs is his long lost sister was funny) Re: Insensitive by Charles Jo charles@removed.com on Tuesday, May 31 at 09:44AM Ok. I must have missed that policy. Re: Insensitive by Me on Monday, June 06 at 08:04PM You realize, of course, that the gp was being sarcastic, correct? Perhaps you suffer from the disease as well? Re: deliberate lack of empathy? by spoofed spoofy@removed.com on Wednesday, June 29 at 12:03PM I found this listed among the many symptoms of those with narcissistic personality disorder. I believe the choice to disregard applies to you. 7. Lacks empathy Translation: Those with narcissistic personality disorder are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other peoples feelings and needs. They tune out when other people want to talk about their own problems. In clinical terms, empathy is the ability to recognize and interpret other peoples emotions. Lack of empathy may take two different directions: (a) accurate interpretation of others emotions with no concern for others distress, which is characteristic of psychopaths; and (b) the inability to recognize and accurately interpret other peoples emotions, which is the NPD style. This second form of defective empathy may (rarely) go so far as alexithymia, or no words for emotions, and is found with psychosomatic illnesses, i.e., medical conditions in which emotion is experienced somatically rather than psychically. People with personality disorders dont have the normal body-ego identication and regard their bodies only instrumentally, i.e., as tools to use to get what they want, or, in bad states, as torture chambers that inict on them meaningless suffering. Self-described narcissists whove written to me say that they are aware that their feelings are different from other peoples, mostly that they feel less, both in strength and variety (and which the narcissists interpret as evidence of their own superiority); some narcissists report numbness and the inability to perceive meaning in other peoples emotions. best of luck handling psychosis.261 Re: deliberate lack of empathy? by YahooSerious on Friday, July 01 at 08:32PM A little too serious for SlashNOT meeessa thinks! Re: deliberate lack of empathy? by Matthew on Sunday, July 10 at 11:49PM Thats very sweet of you! Thanks! hoping 4 a kure by LostInTranslation toddhenkel@removed.net on Thursday, June 02 at 07:19PM I am looking forward to the day this illness is cured. So many of many of my co-workers and family suffer from literalism. But I have coped by building a great network of friends who can interpret sacarismand their support is wonderful

261. Wow, free psychoanalysis from the commentary choir!

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Microsoft announces Shorthorn

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 18, 2005 at 09:19AM From the Almost-OS-X dept. Paul writes: Windows chief Jim Allchin of Microsoft corporation has announced that Microsoft will be ofcially changing the code name of its upcoming Longhorn operating system development effort to Shorthorn262. This forward-looking name change implements our new emphasis on expectation management. said Mr. Allchin. Weve been ripping announced features out of Longhorn nearly as fast as weve been missing development milestones. By changing the name, were creating a set of customer expectations that we have a chance of meeting by mid 2007. Mr. Allchin took the opportunity to explain the remaining features of Shorthorn. People thought that a simple folder hierarchy was hard to understand. So weve eliminated that in favor of a le-system meta-data query subsystem that enables virtual folders based on multiple user selected criteria. End users will be able to create virtual folders, for example, that are based on a set of per-node features such as the date-time stamp or the rst three letters of the name. This way, les will appear and disappear from virtual folders based on their changing membership in the domains that result from these le system queries. Thats going to be way less confusing. Mr. Allchin went on to explain that other than the changes to make the le system harder to understand, Shorthorn would be a set of security patches and will include better support for the never-to-be-implemented second version of the Internet called IPv6, as well as a set of snazzy new graphical features stolen from Mac OS X. Of course, getting Shorthorn out on time is more important than actually improving anything, so this list of feature may be shortened if we hit any snags. (Microsoft will be ofcially changing the code name of its upcoming Longhorn operating system development effort to Shorthorn) news.com.com/FAQ+Getting+a+handle+on+Longhorn/2100-1016_35672671.html list of feature by matthew on Monday, April 18 at 09:35AM I know that it can be difcult to tell when a grammatical error on SlashNOT is intentional, so yes, the singular form of feature was intentional. Re: list of feature by Me on Monday, April 18 at 11:53AM Thank you for nally taking us with Humor Decit Syndrome into account. I may cancel my Americans with Disability Act based lawsuit now.

262. This is a link to an article about what a hard time Microsoft was having getting Longhorn, now known as Windows Vista, completed.

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Another Olympic Athlete Disqualied Due To Doping

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 25, 2004 at 03:21PM From the are-they-testing-for-that dept. Mearzuh writes: In the fuzzy animal triathlon263 at the Olympic games in Athens, a bunny has been disqualied from the Olympic games and stripped of his gold medal last night. Sources say that his particular bunny had been on Energizer batteries during the competition which they believe aided him in getting the medal. Energizer batteries had been banned from Olympic competitions due to the stimulation they produce in fuzzy animal athletes. Say the fellow competitors, He just kept going, and going, and going

263. If it was real, it would be a frenetic furry nightmare of furries. Dont google the word furries. Okay, but dont say I didnt warn you.

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Hometown buffet to compete with Google

Posted by Matthew on Sunday June 20, 2004 at 01:58AM From the 12-slices-of-roast-beef?-Really? dept. matthew writes: Responding to Googles Gmail e-mail service which includes a gigabyte of e-mail storage, Hometown Buffet has announced an all-you-can-eat e-mail service with no storage limitations. Like spam? Get all you want. Were not going to put any articial limits on the amount of spam youre allowed, like some other services264. Says Hometown buffet general manager Dennis Scott. When questioned why the famous restaurant chain felt that it had to compete with Google in an entirely new market area, Mr. Scott responded: We are the thoughtspace265 leaders in all-you-can-whatever, and we dont want to limit the power of this idea to just food. Basically, were going to lead in any consumable item that is cheap enough for us to provide on an unlimited basis for a fair price. Were looking at an allyou-can-breath home oxygen services for the disabled, all-you-can-drink water ltration units, an allyou-can-browse Internet service, and all-you-can-be military boot camps. (Were not going to put any articial limits on the amount of spam youre allowed, like some other services) polycafe.com/bigmango/bigmango2000-1/29531.html

264. A link to a story about a man being kicked out of Hometown Buffet after thirteen (!) helpings of prime rib. How can that happen? He doesnt need gastric bypass, he needs a freeway bypass. 265. Im the thoughtspace leader in the term thoughtspace.

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Last American Software Developer Dies

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 05, 2003 at 10:12AM From the Use-the-Farce dept. Moondog writes: Anakin Skywalker, the man known to many as The Last Known American Software Developer, is presumed dead after what witnesses say was a brutal and relentless light saber battle. According to police, Skywalkers body was never found. He was the last, said one former co-worker. We languished in despair as every last American programming job was outsourced overseas. Anakin hung tough, but his anger got the best of him. And now the career path that was once known as Software Developer has ceased to exist, as has the good man that was once Anakin Skywalker. Another source close to Skywalker said, As far as we know, he was the last of his ancient religion. Everyone else we know has either changed careers, retired, or has been hunted down and murdered by the Evil Empire266. When asked about the circumstances of Skywalkers death, our source would only say, It was my young apprentice, Darth Vader. He betrayed and murdered my friend. Vader is now believed to be working as a project manager for Man Machine Software in Chennai, India. Our source, also an former co-worker of Skywalkers, now brews lattes at a Starbucks in Mos Eisley. We will miss him, he said. He was the best Java developer in the galaxy. (lightsaber) www.starwars.com/databank/technology/lightsaber/ (despair) www.despair.com (outsourced) www.cio.com/archive/090103/money.html (anger) www.gospelcom.net/watkins/theforce.htm (ancient religion) www.gnu.org/ (Man Machine Software) www.mmsindia.com/default.htm (Starbucks) www.buttay.com/starbucks/index.php (Mos Eisley) members.aol.com/JPesta/moseisly/ No Subject Given by anonymous on Sunday, December 07 at 11:38PM slanderous Re: No Subject Given by Steve Franklin on Tuesday, December 09 at 09:52AM What exactly is slanderous?

266. Somebody forgot to put a link to Microsoft here.

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SlashNOT Interview: Santa Claus

Posted by Michael on Tuesday December 24, 2002 at 03:01AM From the rst-person-to-answer-our-emails dept. Michael writes: Just in time for the holidays, weve received answers from Santa Claus for our interview questions267. We thank Mr. Claus for answering promptly despite his impossibly busy schedule. Read on for the answers As usual, our readers submitted their questions and we sent the highest-moderated ones to Santa Claus. The questions and his unedited answers follow. 1) Global Warming by Anonymous Coward As someone who lives on one of the poles, what are your thoughts about global warming? Do you have a contingency plan in case the North pole becomes sunny Acapulco? Santa: Im as much of an environmentalist as the next guy, but I think the threat is overrated. And in the event it becomes warm here, Im not going anywheredo you think I like living in a frozen wasteland with nobody but Mrs. Claus, a bunch of elves, reindeer, and Superman for company? 2) Onlineby Albatross Hey Santa, are you online? Do you have a web site? If not, why not? What newsgroups do you lurk in? Santa: Im over a thousand years old, computers make no sense to me. Im writing this with a fountain pen and the elves will be keying it into the e-mail unit. We will be deploying a system next year to monitor the Internet and nd out whos being naughty and nice, though. Its similar to Mr. Bushs system. 3) Linuxby LUser22 Weve been hearing rumors that you have switched to Linux or MacOS. Which one, and why? Santa: As I said, Im a low-tech guy. Id have to ask Derek the IT elf268 about that one. I thought we were sticking to IBM, but Im not the one to ask. [Derek here: were actually locked into a 20-year contract with Novell. Its embarrassing.] 4) Laws of Physics by Gnorman Santa, my friend forwarded me an email that said you and your reindeer violate the laws of physics. It said you travel so fast that you and the sleigh would either be vaporized or crushed by centrifugal force. How do you answer these doubters? Santa: I could go on and on about thisfor starters, theres no such thing as centrifugal force, its really just a notational convenience used to describe a combination of inertia and a relative lack of centripetal forcebut thats another story. Believe me, we have rooms full of scientist elves studying this stuff constantly, I dont even understand half of it. But to actually answer the question, yes, various parts of what we do each Christmas do violate the laws of physics. When the laws of physics were established by Newton in 1687, we were already in busi-

267. Slashdot frequently has online interviews with various open-source and computer industry luminaries and semi-luminaries. This article is a parody of those interviews. 268. Im going to refer to myself as an IT Elf from now on. It sounds so much friendlier than Information Technology Integration Engineer.

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ness, so we were grandfathered in. Our waiver expires in 2006269, though, so you geeks better invent some kind of Star Trek teleporter by then or well be in trouble. 5) Linux and Penguinsby Al B. Traus Hey, were all Linux fans here and we love penguins. How do you enjoy living with penguins? Do you have any funny penguin stories? Santa: What are you, twelve? Everyone knows penguins live on the South pole. I have only seen one penguin, and that was at the San Diego zoo. 6) Do you exist? by Virginia A substitute teacher in Florida got in trouble for telling her class you dont exist. What do you think about this? Should the teacher be punished? Santa: It was probably an innocent mistake, many adults dont believe I exist and thats ne with me. I dont believe in some of them either. (This means you, Ballmer. Stop sending lobbyists.) The thing that really bothers me about this one is that they hired someone to impersonate me to prove the teacher wrong. That wasnt me. If I had time to take an extra trip to Florida this time of year, it wouldnt be to visit schools. 7) US Security by Michael We just posted a story about your current situation with the Bush administration. What are you going to do without ight clearance? Will you visit the US at all? Santa: I havent heard about any of this. There was a minor border skirmish last week, but my lawyers tell me thats resolved. What is this, some kind of joke site? I thought you said you worked for Slashdot. Anyway, Im out of time, so Merry Christmas or the holiday of your particular religious or secular preference to all and to all a good night.

269. Um, uh oh.

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Earth-like planet discovered

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 25, 2004 at 03:24PM From the good-thing-were-not-slaves-to-computers dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting the star mu-Arae in the southern constellation of Altar270. It is the smallest extra-solar planet yet discovered said French astronomer Francois Bouchy. It appears to be rocky, with a gaseous atmosphere similar to Earth. The planet appears to be inhabited by an intelligent race of humanoids who are subservient to a giant central computer disguised as a giant stone idol. They live in peace in an idyllic environment, and provide food offerings to the idol to sustain its fusion reaction.271 The EU has begun planning a mission, estimated to require 200-odd years of development effort and ve years to complete, to contact the species, destroy the idol, and return the race to the more natural cycle of warfare, environmental decay, and dehumanizing technological progress. (Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting the star mu-Arae in the southern constellation of Altar) www.cbc.ca/story/science/national/2004/08/25/planet_eso040825.html (disguised as a giant stone idol) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/TheApple.html Is this satire? by Lavahead on Saturday, September 04 at 05:24PM Those poor ignorant savages dont know what theyre missing. Wed be heartless to *not* bring them a little progress! Re: Is this satire? by Matthew on Monday, September 06 at 10:19PM Its parody or satire. You decide. Re: Is this satire? by ScurvyDawg scurvydawg@removed.com on Tuesday, September 07 at 01:23PM I have decided. I have decided it is an old Star Trek episode. hehehe272

270. This is a link to an article announcing the discovery of a small and possibly rocky planet around a distant star. 271. I love the original Star Trek series. 272. Hey mikey! He gets it!

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Real accused of not keeping it real

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday August 03, 2004 at 01:34AM From the Reality-used-to-be-a-friend-of-mine dept. Matthew writes: In a press release today, Apple today accused Real of not keeping it real. iPod users dont want a wide variety of music for their players from different vendors competing to keep prices low, they want whatever music were pushing on the iTunes home page. And the music we force-feed them through the new music Tuesdays admail. They want to make absolutely certain that we control the content on their iPods and computers, so that their digital les have a guarantee of quality273. The digits in our digitized music have better timbre, vibratto, and warmthsomething true audiophiles appreciate and something that Real, despite their name, cant deliver.

273. Steve Jobs actually did say in response to Real cracking their nave digital rights management that iPod users didnt want choice in their source of music.

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Coalition of vendors to stand up to Microsoft

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 26, 2003 at 11:16AM From the dont-toot-your-horns-until-youve-counted-your-chickens dept. Matthew writes: Doomed software vendors Novell, Sun, and RedHat have declared 2004 to be the The Year that we again fail to make the Linux Desktop a commercial success. A spokesman for Novell had this to say: After years of repeated false starts, this will be the year when we once again fail to make major market share gains against the Windows platform. Everyone knows that the Windows desktop is the bedrock of Microsofts strength, and weve committed to going after that market, even though we all know that were not going to get anywhere. Whats particularly frustrating is knowing that another formerly doomed company, Apple274, was able to make a brilliantly successful desktop operating system out of BSD. If we could just gure out how the hell they did that, wed have the model we need for Linux. But rather than do any serious work, were just going to paste on yet another incompatible window manager, move the shortcuts around again, change some of the icons, and cross our ngers!275 (Novell) www.novell.com (Sun) www.sun.com (RedHat) www.redhat.com (The Year that we again fail to make the Linux Desktop a commercial success) www.infoworld.com/ article/03/11/24/46NNdesktop_1.html (years) www.gnome.com (false starts) www.kde.org/ No Subject Given by Ben on Thursday, August 05 at 07:46PM Shrugs, Apple created a brilliantly successful desktop (though how you can describe something with less than 4% market share as brilliantly successful beats me) because they can dictate the platform far more closely than Linux vendors can. And by the way though MacOS-X is based heavily on BSD the rendering core of Safari is actually KHTML (the same core used in Konqueror which is part of the False Start (your words) desktop KDE)276

274. Apple really was doomed. As much as I hate to give Steve Jobs credit, he did turn a moribund, burned out company into the coolest brand in the world in an amazingly short amount of time. Just for a challenge Id like to see him do that with Novell. 275. Its 2006. Theres still no decent desktop for Linux. 276. Okay dude, just kidding. Its all about the humor, man. Didnt mean to offend your religion.

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Microsoft developing server version of Tablet PC

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 06, 2003 at 11:52AM From the this-one-has-legs dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft has conrmed that it is developing a server version of its yet-to-be-popular Windows XP Tablet PC Edition. To be titled Windows .NET Server Table PC edition, the software is designed to run on the new Table PC server form factor. The Table PC is the next step in server design, says Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. With its massive screen area, available pointing gloves, and support for up to 64GB of RAM, the Table PC is the server of the future. The primary purpose of the Table PC format is to give business decision makers the information they need in a format that commands immediate respect and looks good on lm. For example, a CEO may have the current acquisitions status of small competitors throughout the country shown as they turn from red to green on a large-scale map of the world. Or a battleeld commander might use a Table PC in his eld headquarters to intimidate the enemy by claming that the Metal Gear Solid running on it is actually satellite imagery of their invasion force. On a standard PC monitor, that would be an obvious ruse, but on a Table PC it speaks with authority.277

277. Is it just me? I think one of these would be fantastic, except that youd have to stand around it all the time, and it would be hard to clean off all the nger prints and crumbs all the time. And coffee spills. And the fact that you could accidentally deploy troops by setting your coffee cup down on it. But I mean, besides all that, it would be cool.

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Safe Coding to be taught in High School

Posted by Matthew on Friday September 24, 2004 at 09:58AM From the code-wrappers dept. Matthew writes: A controversial new program funded by the Gates Foundation to teach safe programming practices in high school is meeting resistance from conservative family groups. The program, designed to instill a sense of safety in programming conventions while coders are still in their youth, is being implemented in pilot programs around the country. Were a Python family. Theyre teaching safe C++ coding. Frankly, I dont want my son programming in C++278. Its a dangerous language, fraught with poorly thought out compiler directives, dangling pointers, and unsafe optimizations. The only safe way to code in C++ is not to code in C++. Says a concerned parent. A rewall isnt always going to protect you. Says another. Kids these days have to realize that secure coding is about checking input buffers, avoiding library routines like strcpy() that are known to be insecure, and choosing a safe language in the rst place. Im just not sure that schools are really the right place to talk about code security. Kids tended to disagree with their parents, however. Im totally excited about this safe programming course. Say one. Ive been wanting to try out gcc, but I was afraid that my code would pick up a virus or a Trojan279 or something. Now I feel like Ill be able to program without being afraid of being attacked by some kind of exploit in the wild. No Subject Given by Gates teaching safe coding? on Thursday, October 21 at 06:39PM Wait a second the Gates foundation teaching SAFE coding? The founder is responisble for the single biggest programing mistake fo all time!280 Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, February 03 at 04:02AM you say Wait a second the Gates foundation teaching SAFE coding? The founder is responisble for the single biggest programing mistake fo all time! I say this is exactly why they have to do this

278. Wise father. 279. I avoided the urge to link this to Trojan condoms. 280. The kids these days.

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Gates foundation to fund Dont Feed the Children

Posted by Matthew on Thursday June 17, 2004 at 05:08PM From the an-end-to-non-hunger dept. Matthew writes: While its common knowledge that children in rst-world nations are increasingly obese, the effects of overeating on third-world children are not as widely known but just as disastrous. Over-eating is now common in South-East Asia, and Diabetes is about to become the number one childhood disease in the region. Children in the Philippines, Vietnam, China, and Indonesia nearly match their rst world peers in overall girth. To combat the problem, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is funding a new charity called Dont Feed the Children. The charity will be innovative in that it will provide a money for food program, whereby third world families can sell their excess food to the charity. The food is then given to the hungry, if any can be found281. The charity is based other capitalism-based giving models pioneered by the foundation. According to Bill Gates, Were essentially taking the candy out of the mouths of babes, and giving them cash that they can spend on whatever they want. This preserves dignity in that it doesnt force our cultural values onto the recipient of giving. Sunganatrami Rangesh, a six year old Malaysian boy who weighs in at an impressive 95 pounds, is excited about the program. SlashNOTs South-East Asia correspondent Jaffar Lasharesh asked him how he intended to spend the 16 Ringits hed earned by turning in his chicken rice bowl, he responded that he would be going to McDonalds for an ice-cream cone and a coke. (Over-eating is now common in South-East Asia) nutriweb.org.my/calendar.php?op=viewdetail&eid=18 (Diabetes is about to become the number one childhood disease in the region) www. channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_asiapacic/view/87571/1/.html (Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) www.gatesfoundation.org/default.htm (Dont Feed the Children) www.feedthechildren.org/

281. Yep, weve completely licked starvation in the world. It just sort of went away by itself, after we got rid of despotism and communism. Go gure.

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167

Microsoft announces new anti-spyware software

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 06, 2005 at 12:41PM From the An-Apple-a-Day dept. Matthew writes: Under siege from spywarea malignant new breed of software that exploit security vulnerabilities in Internet Explorer in order to install them selves, track user behavior, and provide access to hackersMicrosoft has announced that it is providing free anti-spyware software for Windows. The software, dubbed Macintosh OS X was developed in cooperation with Apple Computer corporation. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates explained the software at the recent Consumer Electronics Show (CES): Weve taken software that Apple had already developed and ported it to the x86 Architecture. By providing a new operating system core that is fundamentally incompatible with software written for Windows, weve pulled the rug out from under spyware, virus, and other malware opportunists. Mr. Gates also noted that the new software will pose challenges for users. Security always comes at a cost to usability. In this case, users will have to throw away all of their software, but thats a small price to pay for security. (Microsoft has announced that it is providing free anti-spyware software for Windows) www.microsoft.com/athome/security/spyware/software/default.mspx (Macintosh OS X) online.wsj.com/public/article/0,,SB110373871528907298,00.html Well.. by MongooseMan on Thursday, January 06 at 07:15PM Software already exists to stop IE loopholesits called Firefox. No Subject Given by showardkid NULL@removedSeems to me that Linux would be cheaper and better, and Ive never had any problems with spyware running Arch282 Throw away code by Evil Wafe on Wednesday, January 12 at 10:43AM users will have to throw away all of their software, but thats a small price to pay for security. HahaId believe it. (Only after Microsoft ports the code for Ofce, Media Player and Internet Exploder) Re: Throw away code by hmmz on Friday, February 25 at 12:22AM Internet Explorer and Ofce are already ported to MacOS X, however, if you ported MacOS X to x86 you would have to once again port IE and Ofce, since it was designed to run under MacOS X on the PPC platform.283

282. Arch what? I must not be worthy, because I dont get it. 283. Media player has also been ported, and it wouldnt have to be re-designed, merely recompiled.

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The Thought Thieves

Posted by Matthew on Saturday May 14, 2005 at 08:41AM From the sowing-and-reaping dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft has announced a competition for student lmmakers in the U.K. designed to highlight the problem of Thought Thieves, those who prot by stealing the original creativity of others and pass it off as their own work284. Tim Ryan, a student at Carbuncle-on-Ness middle school, details his idea for the lm. The story is about a group of software enthusiasts who start out by selling their implementation of somebody elses easy to use programming language. Then, as they try to pay the bills, they nd an opportunity to buy an operating system and sell it to a third party. With the money they made off of that, they mimic a popular spreadsheet application, ape a popular word processor, and rip off the user interface of another operating system. Finally, when they cant gure out how to update their operating system themselves, they hire away the staff of another company and pay them to do it for them, and then did things like buy the companies that they ripped off after loosing in court and use the network stack from a competitor and then lie about it. Basically, its a story about the slow decline to the dark side, and how a giant corporation forgets that literally every piece of nontrivial software theyve ever produced was based on the creative work of someone else. (Thought Thieves) www.msn.co.uk/thoughtthieves/Default.asp (those who prot by stealing the original creativity of others and pass it off as their own work) www.microsoft.com/ (a group of software enthusiasts) www.microsoft.com/billgates/bio.asp (selling their implementation of somebody elses easy to use programming language) www.emsps.com/ oldtools/msbasv.htm (an opportunity to buy an operating system and sell it to a third party) inventors.about.com/library/ weekly/aa033099.htm (mimic a popular spreadsheet application) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microsoft_Excel (ape a popular word processor) wpvsword.com/ (rip off the user interface of another operating system) www.answers.com/topic/history-of-the-graphicaluser-interface (hire away the staff of another company) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Cutler (buy the companies that they ripped off after loosing in court) www.vaxxine.com/lawyers/articles/ stac.html (use the network stack from a competitor and then lie about it) www.kuro5hin. org/? op=displaystory;sid=2001/6/19/05641/7357 wont y by Michael nhgranite@removed.com on Thursday, May 26 at 08:04AM too unrealistic.

284. Its a link to a student video competition designed to indoctrinate students about exactly what it says. The other links are all to Microsoft apps, all of which mimicked others.

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OS Vendors thank BSD with all day festival

Posted by Michael on Tuesday September 24, 2002 at 04:33PM From the what-lies-beneath dept. Matthew writes: Major OS vendors Microsoft, Apple, Sun, and Linus Torvalds representing Linux have teamed up to celebrate Berkeley BSD Unix, the OS upon which their products are either based or borrow heavily from, with an all-day rally on the Berkeley campus. Sharing the podium, the CEOs of these most innovative OS developers paid tribute during a free software and peace festival style atmosphere. Festival organizers reported that the companies just wanted to give something back to the students in thanks for the billions of dollars of revenue that their BSD based products have generated for them, and give recognition to the fact that the Internet would be a much slower and less compatible place if every competitive product hadnt ripped off BSD code. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer: We totally replaced the NT 4 TCP/IP stack with BSDs much faster stack in Windows 2000. We also nabbed Kerberos, our new secure network logon protocol, from that OS, and used BSD code to gain enormous performance improvements in our Web server. Sufce it to say that without BSD, wed still be hacking away on NT 4. NeXT/Apple CEO Steve Jobs: We were the rst to wholesale incorporate BSD when we based NeXTStep on it fteen years ago. When we acquired Apple, we did the same thing all over again. OS X is BSD with some window dressing. Sun CEO Scott McNealy: Not so fast Steve. Remember that we took BSD and just renamed it SunOS years before you used it to create NeXTStep. Sun was basically the rst commercial entity to realize the value of ripping off code from Berkeley students, and were proud of that heritage. Solaris has tons of BSD left in it. Linux uberguru Linus Torvalds: Oh yeah? Well people compare Linux to BSD constantly. But there can be no comparison. Any time BSD does something better than Linux, we incorporate their code. But our performance wins cant be ported to BSD because the GPL prevents it. The code just ows one-way baby, so theres no real hope that BSD can remain competitive. Its embrace and encumber cats, embrace and encumber. (Microsoft) www.microsoft.com/ (Apple) www.apple.com/ (Sun) www.sun.com/ (Linus Torvalds) www.cs.helsinki./u/torvalds/ (Linux) www.redhat.com (Berkeley BSD Unix) www.bsd.org/ (Kerberos) techupdate.zdnet.com/techupdate/stories/main/0,14179,2582875,00.html (Web server) www.microsoft.com/technet/security/bulletin/ms00-078.asp (NeXTStep) www120.pair.com/mccarthy/nextstep/intro.htmld/ (OS X) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=76&topic_id=11 (SunOS) www.sun.com/ (Berkeley students) www.berkeley.edu/students/

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The E! True Colchester Story285

Posted by Matthew on Thursday April 21, 2005 at 10:39PM From the the-truth-is-in-the-stars dept. Matthew writes: English poetic divas Ann and Jane Taylor have re-united and released a new verse of their nursery mega-hit The Star to update it for modern audiences. Originally published in 1806 in the volume Original Poems for Infant Minds, Volume 2, the breakout crossover hit has been used to lull small children into complacency for two hundred years. By combining the fresh couplet stanza with a novel theme that didnt involve death or punishment, the sisters unleashed the rst megahitsome even credit the hit for coining the term Star to refer to fame. Dogged by critical reviews for their second major work, The Cut, which reads in part Well, whats the matter?/Theres a face/What! Has it cut a vein?/I see it bleeds, but never mind/that tiny little drop286, the sisters blamed poetry anthology editors for forcing them back into the studio to capitalize on the sudden fame of their rst hit. Cracking under the pressure to produce, the duo went the way of so many other poetic collaborations. While claiming that they would always be sisters, Jane and Ann struck out on their own with solo careers. Unfortunately, neither was able to achieve anything even remotely like their initial success with The Star. Janes rst solo offering, The Orphan, fell even atter than The Cut. Editors warned her that The Orphan, whose rst verse reads My father and mother are dead/No friend or relation I have/And now the cold earth is their bed/And daisies grow over the grave287 would perhaps not strike the receptive chord with the kids that she was looking for. Anns Baby Dance did considerably better, even topping the dance charts momentarily in 1808, but faded rapidly from the public consciousness. Older, wiser, long dead, and past their differences, the sisters have reunited to recapture their former glory with a new verse that updates the physics behind The Star We wanted something fresh, for the new audiences. Not a complete remake, you know, but just a little twist. Because lets face it, we actually do know what stars are these days. It goes something like this: Twinkle, twinkle, little star Now we know just what you are A giant ball of hydrogen gas fusing to helium because of your mass Twinkle, twinkle, little star we even know how far you are

285. This article is merely an excuse to publish the nursery rhyme update I invented for my kids. This way, they can sue major movie studios who use it in 50 years, like the inheritors of the estate of the lady who made up Happy Birthday to You and have forced us all to live through various crappy made up birthday songs at Bennigans, TGI Fridays, and Applebees. 286. True. Thats their poetry. This whole article is actually rather factual. 287. Also true. Poetry used to totally suck. Oh wait, still does.

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171

UPN green lights Star Trek: The Same Generation

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 18, 2005 at 11:28AM From the tried-and-still-trying dept. matthew writes: Following their string of mediocre sequels to Star Trek: The Series That Didnt Used To Have To Be Subtitled288, Paramount/UPN has announced that they are ending the run of Enterprise and replacing it next season with a series set in the same time period as ST:TSTDUTHTBS. Titled Star Trek: The Same Generation or ST:TSG, the series will be set on the Starship Exeter in the same time period as the original series, even occasionally running into the USS Enterprise in its travels. The rst episode will feature a gimmick return trip to 21st Century earth, where the primitive inhabitants have become enslaved by a giant globe spanning computer network, having lost the ability to obtain food289, pair-bond, procreate, or satisfy their need for moderately funny satire without computers. After destroying the nexus of the computer network known only as the enigmatic Cisco, the crew is surprised to nd that rather than being grateful, the inhabitants are enraged and their economy has fallen into ruin. Smug with their success, the crew beams back into orbit, while the primitive inhabitants vow never to let Rick Berman or Brandon Brega produce a series again. (Starship Exeter) www.starshipexeter.com/ (a giant globe spanning computer network) www.google.com (obtain food) www.pizzahut.com/ (pair-bond) www.46.happymarriage.com (procreate) www.craigslist.com (satisfy) www.SlashNOT.com (while the primitive inhabitants vow never to let Rick Berman or Brandon Brega produce a series again) www.trekweb.com/stories.php?aid=42263054a134a&topBrowse=all real reasons290 by trekette on Monday, April 18 @07:10PM come on you guys, wake up, its not because people are tired of watching its for the sake of human dignity. for 40 years people from the future have been living in a shbowl for us couch potatoes to gawk at their heroics their courage their humanity their vision. we have already seen all the exciting and noble stuff and if we were to bring back any more video sticks from the future then we would start invading peoples personal lives because thats all thats left after raping the future of its best moments. star trek would turn into a soap opera of peoples loves and personal problems and maybe even sex lives which they just dont want to have dangled in front of us crass 20th century and now 21st century couch potatoes because we couldnt begin to comprehend how profound and fullling their sex lives are because we are still stuck in the past where it was all taboo or funny instead of rich and artistic and inspiring so call me if you agree, hillary

288. Trekkies actually refer to the original Star Trek series as Star Trek: TOS (The Original Series) to differentiate between it and all the silly sequels. 289. The links to all these URLs are quite obvious. 290. The line between satire and crazy rant is quite thin, and based mostly upon proper grammar and capitalization.

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Re: Do you have Uhuras costume in your closet291 by fun_key on Monday, April 18 @10:07PM Um, what was your number?

291. True story: I once found a Star Fleet uniform in the closet of a girl I was dating. I dumped her because I thought that was too geeky. But Im older and wiser now, so Im looking for a matching set for my wife and I.

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173

Mind Control Chip Not Under Construction, Claims CIA PR Director

Posted by Matthew on Sunday February 20, 2005 at 01:10PM From the foiled-again dept. StarBird writes: Tululah, Ohio: At the recent tri-annual conference of the American National Association of Foil Hats Against Mind Rays (ANAFHAMR)292, incorporating Alien Abductees United (AAU) and Fathers Against Bugs (FAB), CIA Public Relations Director B. Randon Messersmith III told delegates categorically that there were no mind control chips for the general population being developed as had been widely feared. Although only small electrical charges are needed to stimulate the brain, that is not the whole story, says Messersmith. To change the average American mind on anything would require the voltage of a small car battery. And because of the size and weight issues involved, that is just not practical. Suggestion by Buzz Bee honey@removed.com on Sunday, February 20 at 03:44PM How about activating it with one of those tazer devices. Failing that, how about with a cattleprod? Re: Suggestion by Matthew on Sunday, February 20 at 05:44PM Doesnt work. Ive tried it. Make sure you use the bathroom before you tazer yourself, by the way.

292. MIT has recently released a paper showing the results of their experiments proving that tin foil hats actually amplify microwave radiation reception, much the way that wearing a giant antenna on your head would.

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Pentagon Unveils Weapons Of Mass Love

Posted by Matthew on Sunday January 16, 2005 at 09:59PM From the methinks-thou-dost-protest-too-much dept. Mearzuh writes: In a recent report from the Pentagon, it was unveiled that it was working on creating weapons that used aphrodisiacs, which when used would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other293. Provoking widespread homosexual behavior among troops would cause a distasteful but completely non-lethal blow to morale, the proposal says. This would allow them to engage in homosexual behavior and sodomy, which the US troops can use to their advantage somehow294. This would further ease the dont ask dont tell policy currently imposed on US troops. After what they would see their enemies engage in, they would surely not ask or tell anyone about it, a spokesperson said. (report from the Pentagon) www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=mg18524823.800&print=true The link really says that! by Tyson on Monday, January 17 at 10:34AM Once again the Pentagon has been tricked into spending money on an outright scam. Once they bought that $500 toilet seat, it was all over. The worlds con men are concentrated on submitting ever sillier proposals to the Pentagon for funding. Either that or newscientist.com was tricked. How much have they ever paid for a toilet seat? I want full disclosure! Friendly Fire by Elmo xminus3@removed.net on Tuesday, February 08 at 08:52PM Could give a whole new meaning to the term friendly re.

293. True. 294. I wouldnt want to be the person responsible for determining the exact tactics in this situation.

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175

NASA to re-animate Werner Von Braun in Moon bid

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday September 20, 2005 at 09:29PM From the Back-to-the-Past dept. Matthew writes: In announcing their Back to the Moon Strategy for sending Americans back to the Moon a mere 50 years after the rst time they did it, NASA has announced that rather than attempting to develop anything new, they would simply reanimate the remains of Werner Von Braun and ask him/it to help reconstitue the Atlas V heavy lift rocket. We dont have the plans anymore. We, uh, lost them295 once we decided to do the Space Shuttle, just in case some congressperson decided that rockets were cheaper than shuttles or something. Anyhoo, we took a straw poll here at mission control, and it turns out not a damned one of us is a rocket scientist. Can you believe that? I was like, Hey, who let all the engineers go?that was a laugh. But yeah, we have no friggin idea how to build a rocket. I really think everyone here thought that somebody else did it. I could have sworn that Bob down the hall was a Rocket Scientist, but nopehes just a chemist whose been doing project management for twenty years. Man, he can whip out a mean PowerPoint presentation296 though. So we took a look at some of the other science weve been doing, and we realized that it would be a lot easier to just reanimate Werner Von Braun than it would be to reengineer the Saturn V. So were going to move on that front instead. (Back to the Moon) www1.nasa.gov/missions/solarsystem/cev.html (reanimate) www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/lovecraft/reanimator.htm (remains of Werner Von Braun) http://www.astronautix.com/articles/probirth.htm (not a damned one of us is a rocket scientist) www.galactic-guide.com/articles/8S12.html (not a damned one of us is a rocket scientist) www.galactic-guide.com/articles/8S12.html (a mean PowerPoint presentation) www.nytimes.com/2003/09/28/weekinreview/ 28SCHW.html?ex=1127361600&en=9b3aeb37a7d6e0d0&ei=5070 (some of the other science weve been doing) about.upi.com/products/perspectives/UPI-20050920070314-9451R

295. True. They are lost. Kiss $10 billion dollars goodbye. 296. Link to a paper showing that power point presentations gloss over so much detail that they contributed to the loss of the space shuttle.

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Universe Shaped like Common Household Item (again)

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 13, 2003 at 06:32PM From the Good-thing-it-is-not-a-hypercube dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have just announced that the Universe is probably not innite, and that theyve determined its shape. For a long time, Theorists considered that the Universe might be shaped like a Bagel, but theyve now determined that the Universe is shaped like a Soccer Ball297. It came to me while I was watching my daughters soccer game last week. So I ran back to the lab, ran the numbers, and viola! I was right. Says Dr. Jeffrey Weeks. This caps of years of theoretical research. I thought we really had it when we were testing the Coffee Cup shaped universe; it was a big let down when the data from the microwave survey just didnt support it. Wed been through so many different topologies by that point, including the Toothbrush shaped universe, the potato shaped universe, and the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Skeletor action gure shaped universe. (the Universe might be shaped like a Bagel) www.madison.com/captimes/books/reviews/58506.php (the Universe is shaped like a Soccer Ball) story.news.yahoo.com/ news?tmpl=story&cid=857&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20031008/od_uk_nm/oukoe_space_universe OT: This site rules by red5 ired5@removed.com on Wednesday, October 15 at 03:44PM I love it. Now if you really want to emulate/. you have to start misspelling words and posting dupes. Re: OT: This site rules by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/zemail.php3 on Wednesday, October 15 at 05:00PM Thanks! The misspellings are one part of Slashdot we try to avoid emulating. :) Re: OT: This site rules by Matthew on Wednesday, October 15 at 07:02PM Did I miss the memo on that? Ive been slipping typos and misspellings in here and there in an effort to more closely mimic/.

297. For some reason, there were a slew of articles in the media in 2003 concerning the shape of the universe. Its funny how trendy news is.

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177

Microsoft gives up search for two letters cooler than X and P

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 03, 2005 at 01:29PM From the know-when-to-fold dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft has announced that after a two-year search for two letters cooler than X and P298 they have given up in failure. We looked at every possible permutation, except FU and PU. None of them, not one, was cooler than XP. After exhausting the two-letter space, we went to three letters, considering names like GTO, FZR, and NRG. But in the end, we realized that the effort was futile. XP was simply too cool, too much the zeitgeist of 2003, to ever be out-cooled. Once we realized that cool was off the table, we decided to go for a name as mamby-pamby as we couldas sort of joke. So we said to hell with it. Lets name it after Windy Vista Lane299, which is in Albuquerque near Microsofts original ofce. I mean, lets face it: We could call it Windows Crap and you idiots would buy it300. (a two-year search for two letters cooler than X and P) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=121 CE, anyone? by Tyson on Thursday, August 04 at 10:41AM They did have Windows CE, which is to say wince. People did in fact buy it In this sign conquer by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, August 09 at 08:51PM X == chi P == rho http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labarum Re: In this sign conquer by phobos13013 on Thursday, August 11 at 04:48AM Hmmmm, and that is the name for the Chiropractic Resource Organization. This conspiracy is becoming ALL to clear now301

298. This story is a follow up to Microsoft searching for two letters cooler than X and P, one of the alltime favorite posts on SlashNOT. 299. Is it just me, or is Windows Vista astonishingly disappointing as a name? 300. I would still buy it. 301. Ah, the famed Microsoft Chiropractic conspiracy is nally proven to be true.

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Microsoft developing SNOT

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 09, 2003 at 09:45AM From the perversive-computing dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft chairman and Chief Software Architect Bill Gates unveiled a new line of gadgets incorporating the Smart Nonpersonal Object Technology to complement their Smart Personal Objects Technology (SPOT) upon which such devices as digital watches302 and digital refrigerator magnets will be based. Smart Nonpersonal Object Technology is basically the same as SPOT, but without the concept of the individual user designed in. This gives us the richness and context to deliver multimedia content that isnt targeted to a specic individual. For example, we envision a screen upon which video could be streamed constantly via a wireless technology into public places and homesall without being tailored to anybodys specic needs. Weve also got a nonpersonal music listening device that would be able to pick up many different channels or stations of wirelessly transmitted music. Rather than selecting or specifying the music you want, you would simply tune to a genre of music that ts your taste. This is just like when we incorporated push technology into our web browser, except with a purpose. (Microsoft) www.microsoft.com (Chief Software Architect) www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp (Bill Gates) www.billgatesisdead.com/ (a new line of gadgets) www.pcadvisor.co.uk/index.cfm?go=news.view&news=3008 (digital watches) www.wired.com/news/wireless/0,1382,57116,00.html (digital refrigerator magnets) www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/28798.html (a screen) www.howstuffworks.com/tv.htm (a nonpersonal music listening device) www.howstuffworks.com/radio.htm (push technology) www5.zdnet.com/anchordesk/story/story_761.html

302. I bought two of these. They were almost useful.

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179

The FBI is not sending you a virus

Posted by Matthew on Thursday February 24, 2005 at 12:38PM From the our-boys-in-black-dept. Joan of Boston303 writes: A virus coming from an fbi.gov address is being spread through spam. They say that the recipient has accessed illegal websites, and that their Internet use has been monitored by the FBIs Internet Fraud Complaint Center. The FBI uses those quotes to make us think that that they dont actually have such a center. Clever, FBI guys. I salute you. The messages then direct recipients to open a message and answer questions. The computer virus is in the attachment. Or maybe its a keystroke logger designed to monitor your computer usage. Ingenious, FBI guys, you have my admiration. The FBI claims that they dont engage in the practice of sending unsolicited e-mails to the public in this manner. Brilliant ruse, FBI guys. Blatant, simple, and brilliant. You are masters of subterfuge. (A virus coming from an fbi.gov address is being spread through spam) www.msnbc.msn.com/id/ 7013935/ If only by Tyson on Monday, February 28 at 10:20AM I loved the in this manner part of the quote. Yep, we here at the FBI would certainly send mass e-mail containing viruses, but we would surely do a better job of it! Nice cover!304

303. Joan of Boston is a close friend, and the wife of a close friend. And an avowed eccentric. 304. I would send it as an automatic update, if I were the FBI guys.

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Intel contracts with Frito-Lay for chip production

Posted by Michael on Saturday October 26, 2002 at 12:38AM From the why-do-we-keep-picking-on-Intel dept. Squid writes: Intel announced today that, in an effort to reduce production costs, they have signed a multimillion dollar deal with Frito-Lay to handle the fabrication of the new low-cost Celeron models. Their plants are already experienced in larger-diameter wafer production, and at much lower costs than our existing fabrication plants, said an Intel representative. Industry analysts are uncertain whether the new production techniques will produce reliable chips, and there is some concern that consumers will be confused by the many variations of the new chips305. Im not sure if the world is ready for the new BBQ and Cheddar Celeron306, said one source. (reduce production costs) www.eweek.com/article2/0,3959,648600,00.asp (Frito-Lay) www.fritolay.com/ (larger-diameter wafer) www.forbes.com/business/newswire/2002/10/22/rtr762270.html (BBQ and Cheddar) www.taquitos.net/snacks/detail/index.php?snack_code=442 Now thats SlashNOT! by matthew on Saturday, October 26 at 05:53PM This is the rst time that a SlashNOT title alone actually made me laugh out loud.

305. Isnt funny how many times product launches are blamed on the consumers being confused by having too many choices. How about the marketers fooling themselves into thinking that consumers wanted this crap as an explanation? 306. Mmm. Imagine the smell wafting up from the CPU as DOOM 3 heats up the core

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Martha Stewart Thug Living

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 23, 2004 at 12:32PM From the The-hate-u-give dept. Mearzuh writes: With recent developments sending media mogul Martha Stewart to prison for the next ve months, her followers and loyal fans already dont know what to do with themselves during the hour Martha Stewart Living was on every day. Housewives all across the country are panicking claiming their life has no meaning without Martha. Fans neednt worry. An ofcial spokesman said yesterday that Martha will have a live webcam setup in her cell which she will use to broadcast her daily show titled Martha Doing (Things In Her Spare) Time, replacing Martha Stewart Living for a while. She will most likely be using the webcam you see in advertisements all over the web; the one that everyone knows about but nobody wants to buy, in an effort to help that company out as well. Here is a list of topics planned for the show: Decorating concrete Creative foods from bread, water, and mashed potatoes Exercise options in a 6'x 6' room Decorative window dressings with cigarettes Soap carving with your ngernails Stainless Steel toilet doilies Creative ways of nding customer support for the webcam that is used to transmit the show With the total change of her career Martha says that she is not afraid. She believes that most of her followers wont notice any difference anyway, except for her change in clothes which will stay mostly orange for the next ve months. FP by Joey on Friday, July 23 at 02:30PM First Post!!!307 Re: FP by Fred on Friday, July 23 at 02:30PM Last Post!308 No Subject Given by mmm conehead mmm@removed.com on Monday, January 24 at 11:22AM mm get it..thats the rst thing i have to tell you ppl. GET iT. what you should be getting is that nut. get after it martha, love it. Get it goood mmmmm lTH! I SMELL THE SIN ON ALL OF YOU! MMMMM immigrate me DadDdiiE! you can slosh my nat309

307. FP is a tradition on Slashdot, where there are so many readers that actually getting a rst post is difcult. On SlashNOT, its not difcult. And not that funny. 308. This would have been funny, except that you cant guarantee it. 309. Its pure, unadulterated crazy. Thats, rightimmigrate me Daddy.

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Confessions of an MSN masochist

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 24, 2004 at 11:59PM From the suggested-humor dept. Paul310 writes: Its true. I use MSN, but just Hotmail. I was silly and chose it, because AOL had a bad rep among certain friends of mine and I gured itd be an email address that would stay around forever, unlike my old netcom311 email address that Earthlink decided I couldnt keep even if I kept paying them. As a side benet, I get taken to the MSN homepage every time I log out of hotmail of course. A quick scan of it every once in a while keeps me in touch with the Jerry Springer/Oprah312 banal side of life, you know. How can you not love that? As my eyes itted down the page today, I came across the most brilliant idea Id ever seen: Suggested Searches!313 My God, what an epiphany. Like a bolt of lightning from the blue, I suddenly shared the vision for what I should do when my vapid existence offers nothing more of interest, and I have exhausted other ways to squander my time surng. Nothing could be better than to search for things that _other people_ were interested in yet dont mean diddly squat to me. And not even things with any edifying value whatsoever, mind you. Im totally stoked, for this is _true genius_. Watch out Google! Well, gotta run. Need see what kind of hits I get for gastric bypass. Hubba hubba where do I want to go today?

310. Paul is my brother daans friend. Hes always good for witty humor that seems self effacing but actually winds up being satirical comments about society in general. Perfect for SlashNOT. 311. In 1993 I started an e-mail account (actually a UNIX shell account that you had to telnet into because they didnt have POP3 e-mail client software) in 1993. That got bought by another local carrier in 1995, then sold to Netcom in 1996. Netcom got bought by Earthlink about two years later, and at that point I stopped trying to keep up with it and closed the silly account. My eWorld account was closed when Apple decided to stop trying to compete in the online world in the very early nineties and they sold me off to AOL in 1993. I was AOL client #250,000. I spent the next eight years trying unsuccessfully to close that account until it nally went away on its own. Then when I installed AOL instant messengers free service, I found that my old AOL account name, password, and buddy list all still worked. I must have about twenty abandoned e-mail accounts around the web by now. I guess theyre never going to get to email account heaven. 312. Jerry Springer and Oprah are actually two completely different types of banal. Clearly Paul doesnt really stay in touch. 313. The funny thing is that Microsoft actually tries to gure out why people dont respond to their stupid marketing schemes. Theyre about the least apt marketers on the planet.

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RFC 3214: IP over Paper Airplane

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 03, 2004 at 04:44PM From the thank-the-community-for-this-one dept. Matthew, Jim McKeeth, and Glen Richards writes: Following on the heels of the commercially stalled IP over Avian Carrier (AC/IP)314 and based on Sonys new 25GB Paper format, the IETF has released a request-for-comments (RFC) on the proposed PA/IP format. The RFC is backed by Sony, HP, and Hammermill. The format species devices that convert digital information into hardcopy on paper (essentially an HP LaserJet with the duplexing and fold/staple option tray). The paper is printed using Sonys Blu-Ray format, and are then folded into an aerodynamic shape and launched using low-pressure air towards the vicinity of the target receiver, which captures the ying paper, unfolds it, and inserts it into a Sony BluRay drive for decoding. At maximum throughput of one launch every 5 seconds, the transfer rate is well over 5GB/sec315, outperforming both Gigabit Ethernet and FiberChannel at distances of nearly 15 feet in controlled environments. The IETF is actively seeking ways to improve the distance limitations, but does not expect them to be a serious barrier for early adopters. The transmitter/receiver pair costs about US25,000 per node initially, but costs are expected to drop to the commercially viable US650 per node when mass production begins.

314. There really is an RFC specifying IP over carrier pigeon, but it is an April Fools joke. 315. The information carrying potential of paper (presuming printing and scanning at 1200 DPI, without including overhead for format, cyclic redundancy, or error correction) is actually only 16 megabytes, or about as much as ten oppy disks.

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Testimony of Joseph Smith, Broadband customer

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 18, 2003 at 05:00AM From the Utah-Power-&-Light dept. Matthew writes: I saw a web of bers of light beneath the streets, which spread gradually until it reached my house316. When the web of bers of light was completed, I saw two salesmen317, whose shirts brightness and glory defy all description, standing on my porch. One of them spake318 unto me, calling me by name, and said: Are you happy with your current broadband provider? My object in going to inquire of Google was to know which of all the broadband providers was right, that I might know to which to subscribe. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the salesmen who stood on my porch, which of all the broadband providers was best (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that they all sucked)and to which I should subscribe. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they all sucked; and the salesman who addressed me said that all their speeds were an abomination in his sight; that their tier two peering arrangements were all corrupt; that: they draw near to me with their lips, but their actual performance ratings are far from me, they speak of broadband, having a form of Internet access, but they deny the potential thereof319. (I saw a web of bers of light beneath the streets, which spread gradually until it reached my house) www.nytimes.com/2003/11/17/technology/17utopia.html?8hpib (I saw two salesmen) www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week449/cover.html (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that they all sucked) www.tinyvital.com/BlogArchives/ 000010.html (they draw near to me with their lips, but their actual performance ratings are far from me, they speak of broadband, having a form of Internet access, but they deny the potential thereof.) www.lds.org/library/ display/0,4945,104-1-3-4,00.html Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Lisa LisaH20@removed.com on Tuesday, November 18 at 09:43PM There is a point at which comedy goes too far. This story is disrespectful and offensive as it mocks something that is central to the beliefs of many people. Religion is not a parody320. Re: Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Matthew on Wednesday, November 19 at 01:45PM Hi Lisa, Sorry to have offended you, but this is a satire website, which means that its supposed to be both unprofessional and inappropriate. Id like to assure everyone out there who isnt Mormon that most Mormons have a far more developed sense of humor. At least, my parents, my siblings, and my wife do.321

316. A link to an article about Salt Lake City building a municipal ber optic network. 317. I like having the missionaries visit. I always tell them that Ill listen to their beliefs if theyll listen to mine. They always do, which I nd to be quite refreshing. 318. I love archaic English. 319. This is actually based on the wording of Joseph Smiths testimony of his rst vision. 320. Shes right. Religion is not a parody. But a parody of religion is a parody. 321. I make fun of science all the time with no commentary, but post one story about religion

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Re: Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Matthew on Wednesday, November 19 at 06:47PM Update: I checked with the Bishop of the local ward. He read it and assures me that it wont keep me out of the telestial kingdom322. Re: Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Anonymous Poster on Friday, November 21 at 01:20PM Sheesh! What can I sayeth? Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Broadband Bill on Friday, November 21 at 12:21AM As a broadband salesman, I nd this story disrespectful and offensive. Even moreso than that Mormon chick over there. Actually, I nd her offensive too. Re: Unprofessional and Inappropriate by Angry Customer yourmama@removed.com on Wednesday, November 26 at 08:54AM As a human being, I nd any salesman disrespectful and offensive, so were even now.

322. The Telestial Kingdom is where bad people go, according to Mormons.

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Spammers unite, sue ISPs

Posted by Matthew on Saturday November 06, 2004 at 03:30PM From the it-hits-the-fan dept. showardkid writes: In a surprise move by spammers worldwide323, solicitors of such products as Cialis and representatives from companies such as Free porn, inc. have banded together to sue Internet Service such as Earthlink, America Online, and Yahoo! inc. Weve had enough of this, said a representative from enlarge-it.com324. Our legitimate industry of selling this junk is going down the toilet. How hard is it for a user to simply click the delete button and remove the offer that weve sent them? Lawyers of the Pro-SPAM coalition say that they plan to le a lawsuit and prosecute the companies to the fullest, hardest, and longest extent of the law. (a surprise move by spammers worldwide) www.techspot.com/story16198.html

323. A link to an article about large ISPs banding together to sue spammers. 324. Not a website about Information Technology.

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Man attacked by Roomba

Posted by Matthew on Saturday October 11, 2003 at 05:32PM From the avoid-vacuum-devices dept. Matthew writes: Las Vegas resident Roy Johnson was attacked today by his Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner, which apparently became confused when the man tripped in the room while the vacuum was running. Before he could do anything, the Roomba scuttled up to him and got that little plastic spinning brush thing caught in his hair. Said close friend Ziggy Schimdt. Roy shrieked in pain and jumped up, but the vacuum just kept winding his hair tighter. It was on him like the impregnation creature from Alien. He fell back over, and the Roomba dragged him towards the door. It took a few minutes to get the thing turned off. We had to cut his hair out of it. There was hair everywhere. Roys remaining hair is in stable but serious condition after hair dressers styled around the patchy bald spot as best they could. The Roomba is being conned to an unused bedroom until repairs are completed. (attacked) www.packbot.com/ (Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner) www.irobot.com/home/default.asp (Roomba) www.roombavac.com/homepage.asp (the impregnation creature from Alien) www.thezreview.co.uk/images/Predator-Facehugger.jpg No Subject Given by shut your mouth shuvitupurhole@removed.com on Tuesday, March 29 at 02:02PM You stupid dumbass. A Little Vacumm beat the shit out of you haha325

325. Again, Reader fails to grasp satire, but this time the reader is a vulgar idiot. I guess we need a large ashing graphic saying These stories are not true oating over each page.

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Monster, Ebay team to auction employees

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 20, 2004 at 04:07PM From the mmm-Soylent-Green dept. Matthew & Mearzuh326 writes: Job hunting website Monster.com and Ebay.com have teamed up to create Jobaynster.com, which promises to revolutionize the process of hiring and ring employees. Jobaynster.com COO Helmut Krieg explains: Over the last few years, many businesses have found themselves overstocked on employees. Traditionally, when companies laid employees off, they e-mailed them a pinkslip and let them go. That process is incredibly wasteful. Were turning that excess human capital327 into a valuable resource by creating a bid based human capital market. Essentially, employers who have excess employees can put them on the block dutch-auction style, moving tens, hundreds, or even thousands of employees in a single transaction328. For example, Boeing just ofoaded 4,000 employees to Minnesota Mining & Machine and pocketed a hefty 125 per head. Thats a half million dollars that they were previously just letting go. We add value by sorting and classifying the human capital into similar job categories and grouping them by weight. The sick, old, and uninsurable are sent to recycling centers, and the remainder are groomed for sale with an hour of resume and shoe polishing. (Monster.com and Ebay.com have teamed up) www.reuters.com/newsArticle. jhtml? type=internetNews&storyID=4386878 (revolutionize the process of hiring and ring employees) www.asktheheadhunter.com/newsletter/ OE20030617.htm

326. I actually write about 80% of the stories that are credited to other people, because the submissions are based on funny ideas but are horribly unreadable. In this particularly case, Mearzuh (who is actually quite a decent writer as well as being funny) suggested the idea without writing a submission, which is why I credited both of us. 327. I thought it was amazingly Orwellian when Personnel Departments started calling themselves Human Resources. The new Human Capitol trend is even more horrifying because it completes the meme that the employers actually own you. 328. My previous comment aside, this really isnt that bad of an idea

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IT Technicians successfully remove 2nd CPU

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 06, 2004 at 10:35PM From the abnormal-physiology dept. Matthew writes: IT Technicians successfully removed the 2nd CPU from a new Dell Workstation329 Friday afternoon. The Dell Workstation, purchased January 22nd in Vallejo, California, was delivered with a second CPU and had a motherboard with two processor slots. Dual processor workstations are a rare but not unheard of conguration. The Computer had two CPUs, and two processor sockets. But the two CPUs shared memory and all of the peripherals. The concern of course is that the second processor would steal power and memory bandwidth from the primary processor, which of course necessitated its removal. Said A+ certied IT Technician Rudy Wilson. We had to jumper some contacts as well to ensure proper operation. Its a delicate operation. Technicians subsequently booted the computer and have veried that it is properly operating. Im so thankful that everything worked out correctly. Now my computer has a chance at normal operation. (IT Technicians successfully removed the 2nd CPU from a new Dell Workstation) www. theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,8608835%255E1702,00.html Perhaps they arent better than one by Matthew on Friday, February 06 at 10:46PM Sorry about the link. The moving lips thing totally creeped me out. Re: Perhaps they arent better than one by theKnight on Sunday, February 08 at 06:46AM good story. funny. :) ..link is quite unfunny, but its not the 1K people died one after allSmile, they said, life could be worse. So I did and so it was.

329. A link to an article about a two headed baby. Surgeons successfully removed the smaller head, which was attached to the top of the normal head.

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Apple threatens Satan

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 06, 2003 at 07:02PM From the life-parodies-art-parodies-life dept. Matthew writes: Lawyers for Apple Computer have served notice to the Church of Satan330 that their use of the Made with Macintosh badge on their website constitutes a trademark violation331. Dread daemon-lord Baalzebub, speaking on behalf of Satan, had this to say: We did receive notice from Apple Computer concerning a perceived trademark dispute. However, we in Hell are condent that our use of the Apple logo is in keeping with the fair-use provisions of Apples own web site badge program. We look forward to a quick and mutually benecial resolution of this problem, and we look forward to searing the esh off of the bones of Apples lawyers from the moment they die for ever and ever332. (Church of Satan) www.churchofsatan.com/ (Made with Macintosh) www-tech.mit.edu/Macmade/ (constitutes a trademark violation) www.churchofsatan.com/Pages/Apple.html (Baalzebub) www.biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=Matthew+12%3A2228&version=KJV (Satan) www.biblegateway. com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=JOB+2:2&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on (for ever and ever) www.biblegateway. com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=REV+20:10&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on The B side by blahlemon on Wednesday, April 02 at 04:07PM Other sources report that Baalzebub was heard muttering Damn executives I hope they rot in hell under his breath as he left the press conference.333

330. Yep. Its based on a true story. See below. 331. A quote from the linked page: It has recently come to our attention that you are displaying a MADE WITH MACINTOSH badge and logo and a THINK DIFFERENT badge and logo on your web site at www.churchofsatan.com. Apple believes that your use of the made with macintosh and think different badges in this manner is likely to tarnish the goodwill associated with the APPLE Marks, and constitutes dilution in violation of the Federal Anti-Dilution Act. Additionally, Apple believes that your use of the MADE WITH MACINTOSH and THINK DIFFERENT badeges also violates the terms of your license agreement with Apple for use of these badges. 332. Now you know. Dont mess with Apple. Theyre willing to threaten the Church of Satan. 333. Members of the choir frequently feel compelled to add to the story. Were ne with it, so long as it doesnt dilute our intellectual property rights.

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Perl on Windows systems considered harmful

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 05, 2002 at 10:59AM From the not-ready-for-prime-time dept. Matthew writes: A perl programmer was recently hospitalized and held for psychiatric evaluation after he became hysterical while attempting to program in Perl using Microsofts speech recognition software. According to his mother, Larry Wallton334 became increasingly frustrated with his inability to correctly enter a single line of perl code using voice recognition. It was getting pretty scary. I just kept hearing him yell correction! Left-bracket! Correction! Left brace! Period! Arrgh! Correction! Forward slash! Slash! Correction! Correction!335 When I suggested that he just go back to using the keyboard, he pointed his hook at me and told me to stay out of his business. He said that keyboards were going to be obsolete soon and he wanted to be ahead of the competition in adopting voice recognition. He was like a crazy man. According to Mr. Walltons doctor, he should make a full recovery, but his psychiatrist has recommended switching to Pascal336 if he intends to use voice recognition software to program in the future. No Subject Given by Anonymous Coward bobvila@removed.com on Monday, December 09 at 09:29AM yeah!! rst post!! eat that! Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, December 09 at 10:18PM You misspelled bobvila, bobvilla.

334. Larry Wall developed Perl, a language widely regarded as having the most obscure syntax of any modern language. 335. This article was written after attempting to use the speech recognition on my Tablet PC. Because Im left handed (and a crappy handwriter) the handwriting recognition is worthless to me. It works quite well for my wife though. 336. Pascal has a much lower words to punctuation ratio than most languages, though not as low as Visual Basic. But you cant do anything truly useful in visual basic.

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Sun CEO announces corporate suicide

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 16, 2003 at 11:35AM From the Sun-also-sets337 dept. Matthew writes: Sun CEO Scott McNealy announced that the entire staff of over 35,000 employees would participate in an online mass telesuicide next week. Its been a tough couple of years for Sun, no doubt about it. Weve looked at the market conditionslets face it, the .com boom isnt coming backand weve woken up to the fact that Linux has eaten Solaris lunch. We arent going to be able to keep up with the new 64-bit processors from AMD and Intel, and we know that. Weve looked at the future, and its grim for Sun338. The world just doesnt need us anymore. I seriously doubt anyone will really even miss us. So Ive decided that the best thing to do is just stop wasting the resources, and go ahead and commit corporate suicide. So next Friday, were going to do one last company-wide teleconference, open-source Solaris, and then all of our dedicated employees are going to quaff a paper cup of poisoned grape-avored drink. It will make a tremendous statement about the passion and spirit of Sun. Employees reactions were mixed, with some deciding that the announcement must be some sort of bizarre joke while others hurriedly cleaned out their cubicles. (Sun) www.sun.com/aboutsun/media/corp_facts.html (CEO Scott McNealy) silicon.com/news/500008/1/4675.html (the entire staff of over 35,000 employees would participate in an online mass telesuicide) www. delawareonline.com/newsjournal/business/2003/06/16abandondesks,ye.html (Linux has eaten Solaris lunch) www.crn.com/sections/BreakingNews/dailyarchives. asp?ArticleID=42570 (We arent going to be able to keep up with the new 64-bit processors) seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/ businesstechnology/135003734_btsunmicro16.html (from AMD) www.theinquirer.net/?article=9912

337. This isnt the dept. line in the story online, but its funnier. 338. There was a time when Sun was considering buying apple to get into the desktop market. Its telling that Apple isnt considering buying Sun to get into the server market.

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Bush administration denies Santa U.S. over ight clearance

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 23, 2002 at 04:09PM From the high-insecurity dept. Matthew writes: White house spokesman Ari Fleischer has indicated that the administration will not approve Santa Clauss request for unrestricted over ight of the United States on December 25th339. This is not a happy day for us, or anyone else. Unfortunately, Mr. Claus has not provided the required documentation required by newly enacted security protocols for over ight. Also, he has indicated that he will be visiting countries on the state supported terrorism list. We know that Mr. Claus wouldnt knowingly attack the United States, but there are numerous problems with his current application. We dont have clearances and identity information for the Elves, and theyve refused to be interviewed outside the North Pole. We know that some of the reindeer were born in countries in the former Eastern Bloc. North Korea shares a word with North Pole. The President has decided that its just too risky for the American people, and requiring parents to purchase presents might be just the economic stimulus we need.

339. Sadly, this story hasnt become quaintly obsolete in the three years since it was written. Alas.

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Entire South Korean Subway rebooted

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday September 15, 2004 at 06:58PM From the strange-but-nearly-true dept. Matthew writes: The Subway under Seoul, South Korea, was rebooted today in an attempt to x numerous accumulating problems. Among the problems noted by transportation authorities were an accumulation of unauthorized advertisements cluttering the walls, unexplained slowness of the trains, some stuck automatic doors, and a group of tourists that had accumulated in the lower levels of the subway and had been unable to nd their way out. During the reboot, BIOS messages were visible on automatic signs throughout the subway340. The reboot appeared to have solved some of the problems, but the persistent problem of accumulated advertisements has returned, and the trains are beginning to slow down again. Transportation authorities have been asking other governments if they know anybody who knows how to clean up subways permanently or if they should just give up and buy a new subway341. (During the reboot, BIOS messages were visible on automatic signs throughout the subway) www. engadget.com/entry/8920473160425783/ No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, September 16 at 01:05PM FP! Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Friday, September 17 at 01:31PM Karma whore! Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, September 20 at 11:51PM Can one actually be a karma whore? The mind boggles Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, October 07 at 12:58PM As long as it doesnt Scrabble.

340. A link to BIOS boot messages displayed on the subway signs. Pretty damned funny, actually. 341. When people buy new computers because the old ones become horribly virus and spyware infested, I just have to wonder how they think theyre going to keep the new one good without learning why the rst one got messed up.

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LAN party invaded by actual party

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 25, 2004 at 10:45PM From the juxtaposse342 dept. Matthew writes: A LAN party setup to play DOOM 3 last Friday was interrupted during level 4343 by the arrival an actual party, when party host Alan Frikes younger sister Amy arrived home with four of her friends, all in an inebriated state.344 Gamer D3V10Us345 (aka Sanjay Singh) reported the incident for SlashNOT. The females in question arrived at approximately 0200 hours. We were knee-deep in the cacodemons346 at the time, and burning through fusion rounds faster than we could nd electropaks. Suddenly, four female humans burst through the doorthe actual door. Gordo347 was so into the game that he fell off his chair. They were laughing, somewhat drunk, and looking to par-tay. Alan was pissed, let me tell you, because he got fragged by a zombie marine almost immediately. But then Amys friend Janny, upon whom Alan has been power crushing since High School, sat on his lapbreaking his N-way force feedback348 controllerand asked him what he would play with if he had a choice. I never saw that dude shut up so fast in my life. Anyway, to make a long story short, the Sanjmaster349 acquired the digits of one hottie Miss Tina Yalpers, who will shortly be introduced to the dual physical nature350 of this astrophysics undergrad. Never fear by Evil Wafe on Tuesday, October 26 @10:31AM It wears off after two or three weeks.. then she gets jealous and starts referring to the machine as your mistress. Hey, at least my mistress doesnt try to con me into spending my paycheck at Pottery Barn!351 No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, October 27 at 07:08AM Women interested in computer geek. Cant even believe it if they are drunk. Just too unbelievable to be funnyperhaps if they were paid somehow Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Wednesday, October 27 @10:05AM It can happenIm happily married to a woman who doesnt even try to fathom SlashNOT.352

342. Id like a Juxtaposse. Beings from another dimension who show up just when you need backup. That would be awesome. 343. The level I got to when I realized Oh yeah, Doom doesnt actually have a plot. and quit playing. 344. Were not condoning underage drinking, were condoning overage gaming and living with your parents. The people in this story are all in their mid twenties. 345. Not my hacker handle. My hacker handle is n3cr0m4nc3r. Guess what my ATM pin code is? 346. Yes, theyre actually called cacodemons. Not as avorful as cocoademons. 347. I live my fantasy of having a fat friend named Gordo vicariously through SlashNOT. Its the only fantasy I live vicariously through SlashNOT. 348. MmmForce feedback. 349. I suppose that would be his rap handle. I personally have a different identity for every situation. 350. Google dual physical nature. No, wait, dontthe results are mostly a bunch of pseudoscientic blather masquerading as physics. 351. Hmm. Somebody has relationship issues.

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Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, October 27 @10:13AM Shes was just star struck by your international fame353. When that fadespfftshes gone :) Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Wednesday, October 27 @11:20AM Alas, youre probably right. Party Girls and Geekboys by Nameless Geek on Thursday, October 28 @11:53AM Last night my wife and I were watching the total lunar eclipse354 when two party girls walked by. The blonde one says to me Wow, that is so cool! It only happens once every 7 years, right? No, it happens more often than that, but most of the times we cant see it here I replied. She says So right now for people on the other side of the Earth its a regular eclipse, thats so cool!

352. My wife has read maybe two SlashNOT articles in her life, and only then because I was laughing so hard that she felt uncomfortable being in the same room without knowing why I was laughing. I can really say whatever I want in this footnote, because shell never read it. Of the fteen books Ive written, shes only read one beyond the acknowledgements page. Its actually deeply satisfying to be married outside ones own culture, despite the fact that I have to sit through Julia Roberts movies on a regular basis. 353. I have achieved international fame, by the way. Its really quite creepy to be recognized by excited people who you cant communicate with but who feel that its okay to touch you. Believe me, you wouldnt like it. Okay, Im judging. You might like it. 354. I have been able to get my wife interested in meteor showers and in sharing my love for astronomers. I mean, astronomy.

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IKEA and IAEA to merge

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday April 07, 2004 at 11:43AM From the synergy-crunch dept. Matthew writes: IAEA Chief Mohammad Al Baradei and IKEA President Anders Dahlvig have announced that their two organizations will merge to form IKAEA. Both organizations will gain a lot of synergy from this merger355. Claims Mr. Al Baradei. The IAEA has had a lot of trouble penetrating the veil of secrecy surrounding the nuclear programs of North Korea, Iran, Libya356, and Pakistan. IKEA has the logistical capabilities to put cheap but stylish home furnishings in the hands of even the poorest thirdworld nations, and we can piggy back on those capabilities to bring nuclear inspectors into every home. Were designing an entirely new line of home furnishings to complement our partnership with IAEA says Mr. Dahlvig. Weve designed the new ATOM357 line of couches and love seats with the belligerent nuclear aspirant nation in mind. Were also setting up a new GEIGER line of stainless and lead kitchen utensils that will permanently change colors in the presence of trans-uranics358 in the soils or foodstuffs. These markers will make the IAEA inspectors jobs a lot easier. (IAEA) www.iaea.or.at (IKEA) www.ikea-usa.com (ATOM) www.ikea-usa. com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductsAZView?storeId=12&langId= -1&catalogId=10101 (GEIGER) www.ikea-usa. com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductsAZView? storeId=12&catalogId=10101&langId=-1&letter=G No Subject Given by Anonymous Hero on Wednesday, April 07 @12:52PM So whats all this about? Is it good or is it whack?359 Re: No Subject Given by Michael http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Thursday, April 08 at 04:16AM SlashNOT has a standing policy of being whack. We apologize for the inconvenience. Re: No Subject Given by trmj on Thursday, April 08 at 01:17PM Its kind of like slashdot on April 1st, but good. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, April 10 at 04:24PM ROFL. Yeah, It was pretty pathetic.
355. I think this sort of government-corporate cooperation is the future. Imagine Wall-UN and K-USA. Wouldn't that be fantastic? 356. Obsolete. They've penetrated Libya's nuclear program. 357. If you haven't been to IKEA, you've never shared in the hilarity of their furniture and knickknack names. Everything is named something in Swedish, which I'm sure makes sense in Sweden. Currently offered products include: VIREN, FRACK, FARTYG, JOD, KRABB, TRANBY, and BOGEN. And that's just in the Bathroom products section. Check out the naming madness at www.ikea.com. 358. Elements heavier than uranium, all of which are radioactive. 359. I had no idea how many people don't get satire until we started this site. But what really astonishes me is people who have to get other peoples opinions before forming their own.

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IKEA founder now richest man by Matthew on Monday, April 12 at 11:32PM The founder of IKEA has just surpassed Bill Gates as the worlds richest man, at 53 billion dollars. Sadly, he wont be putting any of that money into improving the quality of IKEAs furniture. the ottoman scandal? by ds on Wednesday, April 21 at 08:00PM I understand El Baradeis getting all worked up again about the illicit ottomans allegedly being concealed inside armoires and shipped to Iran. Iran says the claims are bogus, that the only items theyve ever transported inside armoires are little fuzzy chair things without backrests. Should we be worried? Does Iran have its sights set on a new Ottoman Empire, or is this just a bunch of hype? I personally think we should respect the wishes of other nations to obtain small pieces of furniture, particularly leg-rest-oriented furniture. But maybe Im just naive. IKEA and IAEA to merge by Ally360 on Saturday, October 29 at 07:12AM Cant wait to see the new ATOM and GEIGER rangedo you think they will have it in the Croydon store any time soon???? LOL.

360. See! There are female geeks!

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Apple announces iToaster 16 processor Kitchen Appliance

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 21, 2003 at 11:06PM From the really-expensive-coasters dept. Matthew writes: Apple design has announced its next triumph in the race to bring super-scalar computing to the home: The Apple iToaster. With two IBM Power5 MCM Multi-Chip Modules361, each having four dual-core G5 microprocessors and a whopping 144MB of on-chip cache, facing each other with a slot for bread between them, the iToaster will crank out 240 GFLOPS (Giga-FLoating-point Operations Per Second) while warming the perfect slice of toast every time. The operation is simple. You select Traveling Salesman Fast Heuristic if you want a light toast, 128-bit RSA/SSL keyspace brute force decrypt for a medium brown, and Browning Pattern Thermal Convection and Turbulence Model if you like your toast darker brown. Exclaims Apple CEO Steve Jobs at the recent MacOrgy362 in San Jose. As you know, Apple has always innovated with system design, especially in the area of heat management. This allows us to recycle what would otherwise be wasted heat. And at a target price of just $299, its quite competitive with your higher end toasters that cant solve massive matrix computing problems. (IBM Power5 MCM Multi-Chip Modules) www.theinquirer.net/?article=12217 (each having four dual-core G5 microprocessors and a whopping 144MB of on-chip cache) www. theinquirer.net/?article=12145 (Apple has always innovated with system design) www.cubeowner.com iToaster fans by conrad on Thursday, October 23 at 08:34AM The only problem is that Jonathan Ive insisted on installing 18 individual fans into the nal release model of the iToaster, separating it into 9 separate cooling zones. Although extremely quiet, each of these fans is extremely efcient with the end result that the bread never actually heats up. Apple refused to comment on the rumored purchase of 1,100 iToasters by a university in the mid-west said to be seeking to build a superPizzaOven.363 Very Cool by winxp m on Saturday, May 08 at 11:18AM I Love this one!

361. A link to an article about the processor. Yep, its real. Four cores on one chip. Itll keep your coffee hot. 362. They call it MacWorld, but we adhere to the truth here at SlashNOT. 363. Some times the comments are funnier than the story. But not always.

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Panic ensues as Google approaches Y32b

Posted by Matthew on Friday March 12, 2004 at 07:50PM From the this-time-it-is-for-real dept. Matthew writes: Panic has begun to build amongst Internet users as Google approaches the fabled 32-bit barrieralso known as Y32bin the number of web pages that it caches.364 Today, Google is caching 4,285,199,774 web pages. The 32-bit barrier, 2^32, is 4,294,967,296. So as you can see, were just 10 million web pages from Armageddon. Says Idaho based Internet researcher Ed McGillis. See, Googles index uses 32-bit pointers to reference each unique page. Its based on 32-bit Linux machines. They did it for speed optimization. So they cant index a single page beyond the 32-bit barrier. Once they hit that barrier, theres no telling what might happen. Ive got three doomsday scenarios: Worst of all, Google overruns its buffers and the whole thing collapses like a house of cards. Second, they stop adding new sites just before the barrier, and the web basically freezes at that pointno further growth of the Internet. Third, the souls of the dead will no longer pass into the now full Google cache, causing an apocalyptic confrontation between the living and the dead here on Earth. That would sort of be the bestcase scenario. Ofcially, Google claims that no problem exists. Our indexes arent simple 32-bit integers. Thats not how were doing it. I dont know where these rumors came from or why people believe them, but theres really no issue. While most Internet users are simply hoping for the best, some are taking things into their own hands. Charles Perkins365 has begun caching his own web pages in a dugout shelter behind his home. Ive got 2500KV/A of UPS powering a cluster of 16 linux boxes, and Ive downloaded every Google web search I can think of onto these servers. I should be able to keep searching for about six months after the end comes. Hopefully, civilization will be getting back to normal by then. (Google) www.google.com Internet Full? by Matthew Strebe on Friday, March 26 at 01:43PM Um, I posted this story as a joke two weeks ago, and the number of indexed pages hasnt grown. Now Im starting to panic.

364. As with Y2K, this fake story turned out to be, well, fake. Google did hold the page cache number for about eight months, but that's just so they could double it the day MSN started talking about how many pages they'd crawled. 365. Chuck is my closest personal friend. If you knew him, you'd know that writing his own search cache because he doesn't trust Google to stay around is his style. He brilliantly melds kooky survivalism with an unstereotypically non-threatening demeanor.

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Re: Internet Full? by Shawn on Thursday, April 08 at 10:04AM Still 4,285,199,774 Re: Internet Full? by Matthew on Friday, May 07 at 09:02PM Still 4,285,199,774 on May 8th. Food stocks dwindling. Cannibalism may set in soon. Re: Internet Full? by Matthew on Tuesday, August 03 at 01:14AM August 2. Water gone. Keeping searching hordes at bay with paintball gun. paintnearly gone. cant hold out long. Re: Internet Full? by Anonymous Poster on Friday, November 12 at 06:42AM Your wait is over. We have now hit 8 billion pages on the internet. Whew! The end by droliver oklett@removed.de on Tuesday, April 27 at 02:40AM just go to http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html there youll nd the end.

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Fox debuts That 90s Show

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 08, 2003 at 01:02AM From the Gone-but-Not-Forgotten dept. Mathew writes: Fox has announced the rst of its mid-season replacement series: That 90s Show, A family comedy set in a simpler time.366 The father works as an accountant-turned-web-programmer, whose antics in struggling to understand HTML before his 26-year-old boss realizes that he doesnt deserve his $120,000 salary is rich fodder for humor. The mother, also a web-programmer but for a different company, delights the audience with her constant attempts to describe her employers business model. Their discussions are peppered with period business jargon you may remember, such as synergize, paradigm, and extreme. The older brother is hysterical with his constant period lingo, offering to rip mp3s, burn CDs, and use his mad skillz to break into computers over the Internet, which was not illegal at that time. Background humor such as the television reporting on a sex-crazed happy-go-lucky President who has no signicant problems to deal with rounds out the period setting. fp by fp fp@removed.fp on Friday, October 10 at 07:14AM fp Re: fp by Matthew on Saturday, October 11 at 04:50PM First Reply! No Subject Given by Wahhhhh!!! on Friday, October 10 at 07:49AM I want my dot-com job back. Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday, October 15 at 07:05PM I want my dot com girlfriend back. Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, October 16 at 03:47PM I want your dot-com girlfriend back too.

366. Im seriously nostalgic for the 90s.

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Seven year old builds Nuclear Bomb

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 20, 2003 at 10:05AM From the a-bomb-in-every-garage dept. Matthew writes: A seven-year-old boy367 from Los Angeles, CA368, has apparently developed a nuclear bomb369 using spare parts from his fathers370 salvage and scrap yard business371 according to reports from the Los Angeles times and the Department of Energy. From what weve been able to determine, the boy used parts his father had acquired in some kind of work-for-trade scrapyard enterprise. The father had been buying obsolete ships from the Chinese and Soviet Navies372 for quite some time, and stripping them for parts. The boy apparently was able to remove enough enriched uranium to cobble together a crude bomb373 using plans hed downloaded from the Internet. The whole thing came to light when the child apparently threatened to blow up his school if he didnt get to go to disneyland374. He had the entire school administration kowtowing to him375 until somebody decided to call the police376. Of course, they had no idea how to handle the situation and wisely called the DoE. Its absolutely incredible that he was able to pull this offand incredibly dangerous. The entire family is sick377, and we have detected radiation signatures378 from eight blocks away. The site has been declared a superfund cleanup site379. Were just glad we stopped this when we did. (A seven-year-old boy) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacic/783967.stm (Los Angeles, CA) losangeles.travelape.com/attractions/koreatown/ (developed a nuclear bomb) http://www.mindfully.org/Nucs/Radioactive-Boy-Scout1nov98.htm (his fathers) www.kimsoft.com/korea/kimilsun.htm (salvage and scrap yard business) www.donshelton.net/psns.htm (Department of Energy) www.energy.gov/ (obsolete ships from the Chinese and Soviet Navies) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/607175.stm (cobble together a crude bomb) www.terrorismanswers.com/weapons/making.html (plans hed downloaded from the Internet) www.cantrip.org/bomb.html
367. A BBC biography of Kim Jong Ill, the peerless successor to the great revolutionary cause in North Korea. 368. A prole of Koreatown in Los Angeles. 369. An article about a 17 year old boy who managed to create enriched uranium in his backyard shed before being caught. True story. 370. A biography of Kim Ill Sung, the father of Kim Jong Ill and founder of North Korea. 371. Puget Sound Naval Shipyard, where they keep the hulls of the decommissioned surface navy ships that are too radioactive to be scrapped. 372. An article about the aging soviet nuclear subs that are too radioactive to be scrapped. 373. Instructions on how to make a bomb. 374. An article about Kim Jong Ills son, who was arrested in Japan trying to go to Disneyland on a forged passport. 375. A link to the six party talks on denuclearizing the Korean peninsula. 376. The International Atomic Energy Agency. 377. An article about widespread starvation in North Korea. 378. An article about the deteriorating jackets around North Koreas spent fuel rods. 379. Environmental Cleanup SitesYou choose the sort!

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(he didnt get to go to disneyland) www.ahrchk.net/news/mainle.php/ahrnews_200105/1144/ (administration kowtowing to him) asia.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/asiapcf/east/01/20/nkorea.russia/ (the police) www.iaea.or.at/ (The entire family is sick) www.cnn.com/WORLD/9704/08/korea.food/ (radiation signatures) www.isis-online.org/publications/dprk/ir080194.html (superfund cleanup site) yosemite.epa.gov/R10/CLEANUP.NSF/9f3c21896330b4898825687b007a0f33/ 1c8e3bbdbbbb9840882569e700627299?OpenDocument Just an ordinary kid by Tyson on Monday, January 20 at 12:52PM Love the references! Re: Just an ordinary kid by Matthew on Monday, January 20 at 04:43PM Then youre sure to like memepool Re: scrapple songlink on memepool by Tyson on Monday, January 20 at 08:04PM That came out of a video game I have! But its too cool to be bottled up in a game. It deserves wide airplayhttp://www.electricartists.com/whacked/scrapple03.swf Nature vs. Michigan by Anonymous Coward on Monday, January 20 at 05:10PM ROFLYouve got to read the developed a nuclear bomb linkabout 4/5ths of the way down its got this paragraph: The bad news was that Davids trunk did contain radioactive materials, including concentrations of thoriumnot found in nature, at least not in Michigan

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BackSlash: SlashNOT Predictions for 2002

Posted by Michael on Monday December 30, 2002 at 05:46AM From the never-look-back dept. Matthew writes: At the beginning of each year, SlashNOT makes a series of ten predictions for the coming year. Our surprising accuracy rate continues undimmed90% of our predictions for last year came true! Here is a recap of the predictions we made at the beginning of 2002. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Sun will sue somebody over Java. Linux will continue to gain market share while Microsoft continues to wonder what to do about it. Bill Gates will say something inane. Yet another Slashdot parody site will appear. HP will merge with a large rival as a method to gain marketshare in a stagnant sector. Kim Jong Il, the Dear Leader of North Korea, will invite Disney to create Disneyland-Pyongyang, an offer which Disney will decline citing a lack of signicant tourism to the region. North Korea will retaliate by producing weapons of mouse destruction380. Hard disk drives will double in size without increasing in price. Intel will release x86 processors that are 25% faster. The Itanium processor will fail to gain signicant inroads in the server market.

7. 8. 9.

10. At least one journalist will use the phrase light at the end of the tunnel when talking about the tech economy.

380. I Really think North Korea could capitalize on the whole Stalinist police state thing by turning the entire country into a tourist park. You could be shadowed by shadowy shadow agents, fed crappy food, nd mysterious messages in the cassette deck of your car, come back to a Hotel room that had been ried through, and then receive a grainy black & white video of your entire trip as lmed by numerous surveillance cameras around town. For an extra charge, you could be charged with a political crime and then released after intervention by your travel agent. Hey, at least then the People would be employees and eligible for benets such as food. I think it would all be great fun.

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Sun announces brand name for Sun/Linux Boxes

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 21, 2002 at 11:16PM From the Sun-also-sets dept. Nomad7674 writes: As previously reported, Sun Microsystems has decided to follow in the footsteps of superstore mega-monolith Wal-Mart381 by selling bargain PCs running a customized variant of the Linux operating system. Today, Sun Vice President John Loiacono announced the brand name for the line of inexpensive PCs: UNIX variants have traditionally had ux in the name, or at a bare minimum, x. For example, HPs HP/UX, Apples early A/UX, Linux, QNX, AIX, and even OS X. Both of our previous Unix based operating systems, the BSD based SunOS, and the System V compliant Solaris both violated this naming principle. We wont be making that mistake again. The new Linux variant will combine the name Sun and Linux into the powerhouse appellation of S-ux. We are condent that this brand will stick to the minds of consumers and be truly unforgettable to geeks everywhere. (As previously reported) www.reuters.com/printerfriendly. jhtml?type=technologynews&StoryID=1462071 (superstore mega-monolith Wal-Mart) www.walmart. com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1957333&cat=41937&type=19&dept=3944&path=0%3A3944%3A3951%3A41937 (geeks everywhere) www.slashdot.org

381. Wal-Mart did experiment with selling $200 PCs that came with Linux instead of Windows. Try explaining whats wrong with their computer to someone who can only afford to spend $200 on it.

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War Crawling: San Diego

Posted by Charles Perkins on Thursday August 29, 2002 at 05:35PM From the ways-to-avoid-a-sun-tan dept. Captain Shenanigan writes: Inspired by the high-altitude high-speed WLAN mapping of Delta Farce but lacking an airplane, San Diego etherpunks Billy-Bob and Hans go low and slow to map out unsecured wireless access points. Not having a car (and aware that the sidewalk thing has been done) the duo plunge into the sewers instead, looking for places to scam free Internet access. An excerpt of their travelogue follows: Hans and Me were talking about how cool it would be to nd some places we could get on the Net but network admins here in San Diego have really been tightening up their WAPs. I guess that Ars Technica article was a big wakeup call or something. I mean, it used to be all you had to do was walk up to a building with a logo on the side, type it in as an SSID, and there you go. Well, since everything at the ground level has gotten locked down tighter than Hans wallet when I really need a beer, we decided to check out the underground scene. It turns out that everythings wide open down there. Our guess is that its basement programmers and accounting departments that think that a few feet of concrete and mud means they dont have to secure their little workgroup WLAN. Sure, you have to put up with a bit of a stink and crawling to get access, and if youre smart youll put your laptop in one of those big ziplock bags before you go (thats a lesson lernt the hard way) but heyits free Internet, and thats worth something. Wed post a map of our ndings but were concerned that those corporate networks might get exploited and we dont want the legal hassle. Besides, next thing you know thered be tons of other homeless people clogging up the sewers to get free net access and taking all the good spots.382 (Delta Farce) arstechnica.com/wankerdesk/3q02/warying-1.html Very Funny by Delta Farce sd_wireless@removed.com on Saturday, June 21 at 08:48AM I like it. ;-)

382. Wardriving, the practice of driving around with a laptop looking for unsecured wireless hotspots, was really popularuntil wireless became so common that you could pick up a signal almost anywhere. Then the driving around part became pointless, and the whole geeks-in-a-car social dynamic went away, and it just wasnt fun anymore. Damned mainstreaming!

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The life of Brian

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday June 29, 2005 at 06:34PM From the Life-imitates-Monty-Python dept. Matthew writes: A somewhat bewildered George Lucas has announced that his fans have ofcially taken this crap too far with MP Jamie Reeds recent inaugural speech to the House of Commons in which he announced that he was the rst Jedi member of the body383. Beginning in 2001, enough people in the UK have reported their religion as Jedi to make it the 4th largest religion in the country384, surpassing Judaism. To date, more than 500,000 people around the world have ofcially declared their religion to be Jedi despite the fact that Mr. Lucas has not elucidated the core principles of the religion beyond the few mysterious statements to use the force and that the force emanates from alien microscopic life forms in the bloodstream.385 In a statement on his website, the reclusive director wrote: I am not your prophet. I havent invented a religionI was just trying to put something a little spiritual into a futuristic space opera. It wasnt really all that well thought out, as you all found out in Episode I386. Please, dont worship me. Dont worship the Force. Stop trying to gure out the physics behind light sabers387, and stop wearing the kooky robes around. Theyre props, not fashion statements. Im not okay with this anymore, and I damn sure dont aspire to being martyred. And stop making fan lms that violate my trademarks388 you thought thieves! (MP Jamie Reeds recent inaugural speech to the House of Commons in which he announced that he was the rst Jedi member of the body) www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/cm050621/ debtext/50621-23.htm#50621-23_spnew3 (enough people in the UK have reported their religion as Jedi to make it the 4th largest religion in the country) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1589133.stm (stop making fan lms that violate my trademarks) www.answers.com/topic/the-ofcial-star-wars-fanlm-awards (thought thieves!) www.msn.co.uk/thoughtthieves/Default.asp

383. True story. 384. Also true. 385. <rant>The whole midocloreans explanation in Episode I was totally stupid. Heres an idea: Just leave it a mystery, like actual religion! I mean, its not like I care, or anything. Im just saying that it wasnt well thought out. From a scriptwriters perspective.</rant> 386. Oh, whoops. Already ranted about that. 387. You could totally make real light sabers out of a high-energy antenna that caused atmospheric gases to become plasmas by stripping off their electrons. The resulting plasma torch would be able to cut through just about anythingbut it would probably be a lot brighter and white in color. Not that I care though. 388. For a while, Lucas was suing people who made fan lms. Now he runs a yearly contest, but the fan lms have to be satirical in nature so as not to thief his thoughts. Poor guy.

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in a prewritten statement he said by yeah right@removed.haha on Thursday, June 30 at 11:40AM You know, before I answer any more questions theres something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and Ive spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveledyknowhundreds of miles to be here, Id just like to sayGET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, its just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way youre dressed! Youve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few the past 30 years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME! Re: in a prewritten statement he said by he com@removed.yeah on Thursday, June 30 at 11:41AM oops, this was supposed to be linked: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86hgetalife.phtml Dont laugh! It may one day happen! by You on Friday, July 01 at 07:32PM If you are a Christian you might want to stop reading now!389 Just think about it for a minute. A long time ago (in a galaxy close, close by)about 3000 Years agoa very skillful author once wrote a series of fanciful short stories; one about a girl who got mixed up in all sorts of troubles and ends up giving birth, even though she was a virgin (I reckon she was just too stoned to remember!), a man walking on water (the moon wasnt thought of as a celestial body back then! so water seemed unrealistic enough!) who was able to turn water into wine! (nice party trick!). Anyways because of a lack of publishing companies he grew frustrated, bound all of his stories up and threw them away! Years passed (about 500 of them) and while a developer was digging away (probably to make a chariot park or a Meccas or Burger Emperors) he found these short stories and published them as a single novel. Over time people started believing it and around 2000 years ago it started to be thought of as a religion. A few hundred years later it was recognized as a religion and people started killing other people on a foolhearty belief that some cup or grail (I think it had a short part in issue 36 or chapter 84) could help with the health problems of the day! (No, Penecillin wasnt around back then!) Anyways to get to the point! Dig a hole place your collection of Star Wars books and comics in it and cover it up! you never know in 10002000 years from now they may be the basis for the next Bible!. Re: Dont laugh! It may one day happen! by Me on Saturday, July 09 at 01:29PM For those of you who could not tell, the above comment is SATIRE. Here are the clues: 1) If you are a christian you might want to stop reading now! First, if he were really wanting to dispell Christianity, he would WANT Christians to read. So, either he is a moron (which I doubt) or he is alerting us to the spoof 2) About 3000 years agoone about a girl who got mixed up in all sorts of troubles and ends up giving birth, even though she was a virgin Even the biggest fool knows it was 2000 years agoour Calendar is based on His birth. Funny stuff :) 3) Years passed (about 500 of them) and while a developer was digging away (probably to make a chariot park or a Meccas or Burger Emperors) he found these short stories and published them as a single novel. The chariot park stuff is hilarious :) In reality, we know there is a great wealth of evidence as to when things were written, and in many cases WHO wrote the various books. So, unless this guy is terribly misinformed (which I doubt), this is more evidence that this is satire. So, for all of you who think this guy is really attacking Christianity, please lighten up. He meant it as a joke, nothing more. Re: Dont laugh! It may one day happen! by Matthew on Sunday, July 10 at 11:40PM Im pretty sure hes just an idiot.
389. Or if you are not a huge geek.

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Re: Dont laugh! It may one day happen! by I on Thursday, July 21 at 12:12AM I am not quite sure you read it properlyfair enough it is quite stupid, and I am not sure if I understand it the way he wants it readbut with your point 2, I think he was getting at the fact that about 3000 Years agoa very skillful author once wrote a series of fanciful short stories this is when the books were written, Then he bound all of his stories up and threw them away. The books were later found and published as a novel and Over time people started believing it and around 2000 years ago it started to be thought of as a religion i.e. as I understand from what is written, to our modern minds over the last 2000 years we have developed the perception that the stories written over 3000 years ago actually occurred 2000 years ago. Dunno, could be wrong, its just how I read it! P.S. I thought this site was Satirical do we now crucify people for posting satirical information on this site??? Might go back to/. now!

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Voting machines reach new heights of misbehavior

Posted by Michael on Friday October 01, 2004 at 04:52PM From the almost-entirely-true dept. Michael writes: Diebolds touch-screen voting machines390, slated for use in the 2004 election, have been recently criticized for being insecure and for not keeping up with their paperwork, and more recently for being outsmarted by a monkey. Now the machines behavior has apparently taken a turn for the worse. According to the Associated Press, Diebold voting machines have been spotted hanging around in bars and on street corners in Maryland, apparently up to no good. Although the machines are already being investigated for fraud in California, the government of Maryland and the US government have declined to comment on the situation. A State Department spokesman would only say that the machines are entitled to a fair trial before we judge them. (being insecure) www.nwfusion.com/news/2004/0923consugroup.html (not keeping up with their paperwork) www.macon.com/mld/macon/business/technology/9662979.htm (being outsmarted by a monkey) www.engadget.com/entry/3622842205228263/ (hanging around in bars and on street corners) www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techpolicy/evoting/200409-29-abandoned-diebold-machine_x.htm (being investigated for fraud) arstechnica.com/news/posts/20040907-4164.html (fair trial) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_test Hanging out in front of Circuit City by Matthew on Monday, October 04 at 11:15AM Now if Diebold could just replace those assholes with clipboards that hang out in front of stores yelling would you like to help Bush/Kerry/The Environment/Fetuses?

390. Voting machine hacking is always a big topic on Slashdot, where they apparently believe that their votes matter.

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U.S. Releases Cyber Security Plan

Posted by Matthew on Sunday February 16, 2003 at 04:38PM From the Counter-intelligence dept. Matthew writes: The White House released a rst draft of a Cyber Security Plan this week that is intended to harden the U.S. portions of the Internet against attack in the event of war. The document is too large to cover in detail, but here are the highlights: Everyone stop sending e-mail. Backbone routers on curfew from 9:00 p.m. to 9:00 a.m. Enlist porn industry to help get the word out. Everyone use really hard password: chrthwiaprl. Revoke Microsoft Passports of suspected terrorists. Release Code Orange worm to automatically lock down Microsoft web servers. Redirect AOL CD mailings to Iraq. Provide Arabic versions of Microsoft Outlook for free to anyone. With these measures, the administration is condent that any cyber-attack will have little to no impact on Internet users. (Cyber Security Plan) www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_16-2-2003_pg5_17 The Microsoft Solution by Tyson on Monday, February 17 at 11:48PM Well, if everyone used Microsoft, Im sure those hackers wouldnt even be able to send e-mail, much less build & test a sophisticated buffer overrun attack. No Subject Given by Ed kf7vy_at_amsat.org on Sunday, February 23 at 06:11PM I think you left out: Distribution of duct tape to seal off vulnerabilities in Windows and IE. Random searches of anyone approaching Frys Electronics. Offer Windows 98 to anyone in Iraq, for free Announcement of a color coded scheme to indicate cyber threat levels. Colors will include Black meaning a threat is eminent, Black meaning a threat has already occurred, Black meaning you should raise your panic level, and White if you are running Mac OS X or Linux.391

391. Sometimes the comments are actually as funny or funnier than the stories.

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Halle Berry brain cells discovered

Posted by Matthew on Thursday June 23, 2005 at 12:08PM From the no-brainer dept. Matthew writes: Researchers have discovered that a tiny region of the human brain consisting of just a single cell is responsible for recognizing Halle Berry in all humans392. The Hallecampus, while small, is absolutely critical to the recognition of Halle Berry. Without it, we would have no ability to discern which Hollywood vixen is behind that leather catwoman outt. Scientists discovered the Hallecampus while doing research into how the brain recognizes incredibly hot women. The same researchers had also uncovered the Anistocortext, but were unable to locate the ZetaJonesebellum. (a single cell is responsible for recognizing Halle Berry in all humans) www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2005/06/23/AR2005062300424.html

392. Fortunately, we have a lot of brain cells.

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Televisions escape attempt foiled

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 19, 2004 at 11:25AM From the Gilligan-should-have-tried-this dept. Matthew writes: A Toshiba at screen television attempted an escape from its Oregon owner this week by emitting a signal in the 121.5MHz international distress signal frequency393. The signal was picked up by satellite and routed to the Air Force Rescue Center at Langley Air Base in Virginia. A contingent of local police, Civil Air Patrol, and Search and Rescue Personnel visited the college dorm room where the television had been living in captivity, but failed to appreciate that its deliberate channel changes to news coverage of prison abuse indicated that it needed to be rescued from its owner, who frequently left the Television on overnight while sleeping and while gonecausing heat stress. Authorities did however warn the student to keep the Television turned off or face a $10,000 ne for willingly broadcasting a false distress signal, and Toshiba rescued the television by replacing it with another at no cost. (television attempted an escape from its Oregon owner this week by emitting a signal in the 121.5MHz international distress signal frequency) www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/18/odd.television.reut/ index.html No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, October 19 at 07:26PM You kidding. Most people need to be rescued from their TV. Causes severe brain damage.394 Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Wednesday, October 20 at 03:41PM Yes, as always, I kidding. Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, October 21 at 06:39AM You need a freaking preview button. Wait. That doesnt help me on Slashdot either :) Oh waityou do have a preview button. What I really need is a mechanism to just ignore what I sayoh waitthats what my wife is for. Oh Please.. by Evil Wafe SlashNOT@removed.cotse.net on Thursday, October 21 at 10:23AM wont something think of the TVs! Seriously, that sounded funnier in my head when the voice told me to say that.395

393. True story. The FCC raided this guys house because his TV was emitting at a reserved frequency. 394. He has obviously watched to much TV. 395. There is always the option to not post when you realize something isnt funny.

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No relief in sight for SlashNOT $ bug

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 18, 2005 at 10:12AM From the cant-buy-me-love dept. Matthew writes: The editors of SlashNOT have announced that they lack the technical capability to x the infamous $ bug that has aficted the site since its initiation.396 Principle editor Matthew explains. See, we stole the code that runs this site. We dont really know anything about it. And, we hacked the server it runs on, so we dont actually know much about it either. The administrator of that site long ago secured it but apparently doesnt know that SlashNOT is hosted on it. So basically, weve lost administrative access to the server and couldnt repair the code even if we knew how to, which we dont. Of course, the bug only expresses when a $ is followed by a numberand how often does that really happen? We have gured out that if you include the HTML escape sequence &#36; the system will display a $. We dont know why that works either.

396. SlashNOTs blog engine is written in PHP, that wonderfully insecure programming language that merely interprets whatever HTML code you type into an input box. It interprets $xxx as escape codes, so you basically cant refer to money in SlashNOT articles. We probably could do something about it, but its gone on for so long that its somewhat funny at this point.

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RHIC suddenly disappears

Posted by Matthew on Saturday March 19, 2005 at 11:40PM From the playing-with-re dept. Matthew writes: The Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider has disappeared suddenly this Saturday evening leaving an oddly smooth bowl shaped crater with a bizarre dust mound near the center of the crater. While the exact cause of the sudden disappearance is unkown, speculation centers around the work of Dr. Horatiu Nastase397, who was working on increasing the size and duration of suspected sub-atomic black holes that he had been producing. Because it was the weekend, only Dr. Nastase and two collaborating scientists are believed to have been inside the building. Because there appears to be no remaining reckage or debris from the incident, authorities have ruled out a conventional explosion. (the work of Dr. Horatiu Nastase) news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4357613.stm

397. An article about efforts to increase the size and duration of lab-grown black holes. Yeah, thats not going to be dangerous at all.

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Universe shaped like even more common household items

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 19, 2004 at 05:50PM From the Elephant-in-the-living-room dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have reported new breakthroughs in the effort to determine which household item the universe is shaped like. Following reporting last year that the Universe was shaped like a soccer ball, SlashNOT has now learned that the Universe is apparently shaped like a trumpet, a Pringles chip, a bugle, or a funnel398. Other research going on in India points to a morphology similar to a wall, a spear, a snake, a tree, a fan, or a rope399. (the Universe was shaped like a soccer ball) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=294 (the Universe is apparently shaped like a trumpet, a Pringles chip, a bugle, or a funnel) news.google.com/ news?q=universe%20shaped%20like&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wn (a morphology similar to a wall, a spear, a snake, a tree, a fan, or a rope) www.wordfocus.com/word-actblindmen.html news to me by ds on Wednesday, April 21 at 08:12PM Its not shaped like a lawnmower? Man, my dad lied about just about everything. I remember when he told me, actually. Son, there are three constants in life. Taxes, the universe being shaped like a lawnmower, and that the Betamax standard is eventually going to prevail over the VHS standard in the VCR market. He was a smart man. Totally nailed that taxes thing.

398. Links to articles on the shape of the universe. 399. A link to the story about the six blind men trying to describe an elephant by feeling its various parts.

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Boy band shunned by virus writers

Posted by Michael on Friday January 10, 2003 at 02:46AM From the come-on,-our-name-even-ts-in-an-8-char-lename dept. Michael writes: Salon has an interview with Justin Timberlake of boy band *NSYNC, who complains that nobody has written a computer virus to honor his band, or his more recent solo career. Girl singers seem to get all of the attention from computer viruses, said Timberlake. Britney has one, JLo has one, and now even Avril Lavigne has one that sends people to her Web site. I dont see any *NSYNC virus out there giving us free publicity. The Virus Writers Union released a statement denying their responsibility for this problem. We arent obligated to publicize any particular musicians, its up to the individual virus writers, and right now our members do tend to be teenage boys. Anyway, *NSYNC is one of several bands mentioned in the GWV virus. (Salon) www.theguitarsalon.com/ (Justin Timberlake) www.eonline.com/Facts/People/Bio/0,128,68617,00.html (*NSYNC) dmoz.org/Arts/Music/Anti-Music/%27N_Sync/ (Britney) www.vnunet.com/News/1129601 (J-Lo) news.com.com/2100-1001-267644.html?legacy=cnet (Avril Lavigne) www.cnet.com/software/0-7760531-8-20782868-1.html?tag=txt (Virus Writers Union) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,49483,00.html (teenage boys) www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/26827.html (GWV) www.f-secure.com/v-descs/gwv.shtml Virus Writers Union by Tyson on Friday, January 10 at 10:44AM As Dave Barry would say, were not making this up! I love nsync by cmdrtaco taco/@removed.org on Friday, January 10 at 03:33PM but, what I really wanna know, is Which backstreet boy is Gay? Re: I love nsync by Capt. Tako on Friday, January 10 at 06:13PM Hey, stop playing off of my psuedonym! What Id like to know is which backstreet boy isnt gay.

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Bill Gates res fashion advisor

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 28, 2002 at 11:10AM From the Emperors-new-clothes dept. Furious Farquad writes: Long time fashion adviser to Gates, his Grandmother, has been relieved of her position. Grandmother Gates is reportedly disappointed in Billy. What will I do with all these sweaters that I knitted? said a bewildered Grandma. I know Im cool, says Bill when asked about the decision, I have more money than anyone. Thats cool. But what is the use of being really cool if I dont look like it? I mean Grannys cardigans are comfortable, but they just dont cut it with our new target market, generation X Microsoft has already deployed a team of experts to search the globe for a replacement. An interview with the team leader, Harry McNoodlehausen, revealed their strategyAs soon as we nd someone who is cool and willing to hang out with Gates, we will offer a contract immediately. Talks are said to be underway with the guy who dresses Steve Jobs. (I know Im cool) philip.greenspun.com/humor/bill-gates (Grannys cardigans) dreamer.nitro.dk/archive/nerd/fun/fun/gates.html (someone who is cool) www.willsmith.com/ (hang out with Gates) organia.estrelar.com.br/ (the guy who dresses Steve Jobs) www.forbes.com/2002/08/26/0826uniform.html

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Body of Rosa Parks in act of civil disobedience

Posted by Matthew on Sunday October 30, 2005 at 09:00PM From the One-good-turn-deserves-another dept. Matthew writes: The body of Rosa parks arrived today at the Capitol Rotunda-an exclusive mens only Washington area mausoleum, where it lay deantly in honor, refusing to move. The Capitol Rotunda, historically reserved exclusively for the bodies of dead men, was abuzz in activity as rst the custodial staff and then the Secret Service attempted to convince or coerce the deant late Ms. Parks to leave without causing a scene. The former Ms. Parks would not even acknowledge the attempts, remaining proudly in state without dignifying their efforts with a response. Having apparently learned from the last time Ms. Parks refused to budge, the government quickly jumped on the bandwagon, opening the doors of the Rotunda to visitors and dignitaries wishing to pay their respects. bad taste by Trav trav@removed.com on Sunday, October 30 at 10:08PM oh come on this is in horrible taste Re: bad taste by Matthew on Monday, October 31 at 09:51AM Im sure Rosa would have loved it. Besides, bad taste is our specialty! Re: bad taste by Anonymous Coward on Monday, October 31 at 12:02PM I dont think bad taste is your speciality. Hasnt been your mainstay in the past. Re: bad taste by Matthew on Monday, October 31 at 05:50PM I suppose I just aspire to bad taste. But frankly, I dont think this article is offensive, I just think people have different levels of comfort with the dead. Ive got a lot of dead friends, so I can say that. Re: bad taste by Captain Shenanigan on Tuesday, November 01 at 04:40PM Someone doubts the depths to which taste can be taken on this forum? Matthew knows no nadir400.401 You have been warned. Re: bad taste by Matthew on Tuesday, November 01 at 05:07PM 240 votes! Woot woot!

400. Nadir is the opposite of Zenith, the highest point in the celestial sky. 401. This is a link to the last story in this book.

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Senate preparing to STIFFLE JOKES

Posted by Matthew on Sunday June 20, 2004 at 11:32PM From the we-only-made-part-of-this-up dept. Matthew writes: The Securely Protect Yourself Against Cyber Trespass (SPY-ACT) Act has been passed by the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committees Subcommittee on Commerce, Trade and Consumer Protection on its way to becoming law. This bills major predecessor in the arena of cyber-law was the Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing (CAN-SPAM) Act. Its all about the acronym, explains Jan Singleton, media relations director for Sen. Barbara Boxer (DCA). Without a good acronym, youre not going to get the media to take interest in your bill, which means that youre not going to get the grass-roots letter and e-mail writing campaigns that you need to get representatives to vote your way. Were currently working on a good name for our latest Cybercrime bill, Stop Those Idiots From Forwarding Ludicrous Email Jokes, OuttaKes, chain Emails, and Such (STIFFLE JOKES). (Securely Protect Yourself Against Cyber Trespass (SPY-ACT) Act) enterprise-security-today. newsfactor.com/story.xhtml?story_title=SPY-ACT-Wins-U-SCongressional-SubcommitteeApproval&story_id=25472 No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Monday, June 28 at 10:20AM Stie does not have a double-f in it. stife isnt a fucking word you retarded cmdrtaco wannabe402 Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Sunday, July 04 at 01:09PM Hey man, take it up with Barbara Boxer. I only report the satire. Howard Stern by Schtickie postcard@removed.com on Tuesday, November 01 at 06:02PM How can you talk about howard stern on this webpage without permission. I dont understand403. Howard testies before the congress without notes: with is how he made his way back to recovery. Thank You, Schtickie

402. Dude seems pissed. Besides, I like the word stife. 403. Judging from the grammar in this post, Schtickie appends this sentence to everything it writes.

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SlashNotes: Missing Embedded Reporter Found

Posted by Matthew on Saturday April 05, 2003 at 04:49PM From the Good-thing-it-wasnt-Hunter-S.-Thompson404 dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT Editor-is-Large Matthew was found in good health today in Germany and is on his way back to the United States. Matthew hadnt posted anything on SlashNOT in two weeks. Says Editor-is-Large Michael. He had mentioned something about a gig as an embedded reporter and then just dropped off the face of the earth. When the war started and I realized what an embedded reporter was, I was terried. We started checking with the Military authorities to try to get in touch with him. But he nally checked in today. As it turns out, he had simply gone to Las Vegas to cover the Embedded Systems Conference, which covers the state of the art in computers that are embedded in every-day devices like microwaves and cars. Anyway, during the conference, he accidentally revealed proprietary information about a forthcoming Motorola micro-controller and was ordered to leave the state. He wound up hitchhiking to the Arizona border with a biker gang and was subsequently sold to a retired European couple who were traveling the west in an RV. He is now safely on a plane back from Germany, and we expect him home any time. A welcome home parade has been scheduled for Sunday afternoon405.

404. This was written before he killed himself and had his ashes blown out of a cannon. 405. I cant quite remember what incident I was satirizing, but theres something inherently funny about being sold to a retired German couple.

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iRobot to release military version of Roomba

Posted by Matthew on Sunday January 16, 2005 at 09:59PM From the every-vacuum-brings-armageddon-one-day-closer dept. Matthew writes: iRobot, makers of the Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner406, as well as military pack robots, has developed a military version of the popular device. Dubbed Boomba, the device is essentially a ruggedized Roomba that is designed to clear mineelds. Replacing the small, medium, and large buttons are similar Checkpoint, Roadside, Intersection buttons, along with a Convoy mode that clears a path going forward at a walking pace. We have big hopes for Boomba, says iRobot CEO Colin Angle, With the way the world is going and the fact that Boomba is, for all intents and purposes, a single use device, Boomba could easily outsell Roomba. Boomba also supports iRobots new swarm mode, utilizing the SwarmOS operating system, to clear a mineeld in a matter of minutes, as well as scare the bejesus out of anyone who sees them coming. There is an effective psychological warfare component to swarm mode, says Mr. Angle, Ive saw it in prototype two weeks ago, and I still cant sleep. (iRobot) www.irobot.com (Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner) www.irobot.com/consumer/ (military pack robots) www.irobot.com/governmentindustrial/ (iRobots new swarm mode) www.irobot.com/governmentindustrial/product_detail.cfm?prodid=33 CEO Colin Angle by Alec Smart on Sunday, January 16 at 11:19PM Im glad that neither my christian nor surnames have any particular pun meaning in English, much less any particular meaning when combined.

406. I love my Roombas. We have three. Ive hacked them to simply follow my kids around by strapping an infra-red emitter that matches the protocol emitted by the charger base-station on their backpack teddy bears. The baby is still a little afraid of it, but Im working with her. Its really improved her crawling speed. Ive glued an inatable Rosie the Robot Maid to one of them to really get that Jetsons feel.

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Men and Women apparently different

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 26, 2005 at 04:33PM From the how-not-to-score dept. Matthew writes: According to the BBC, a report by professor Richard Lynn and Dr. Paul Irwing will be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology stating that although children at age 14 are equal, adult men are, on average, 5 I.Q. Points higher than adult women. The difference widens with higher intelligence: There are twice as many men with an IQ of 125, and nearly six times as many men as women with an IQ of 155. The paper also argues that at the same IQ, women are more likely to achieve more because they are more conscientious and better adapted to sustained periods of hard work.407 When ask how he expected to ever get laid again, Dr. Lynn replied that hed never been laid in the rst place. (a report) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/4183166.stm

407. <rant> How many things are we not going to be allowed to explore scientically because people dont want to hear the answers? Women as a group may not be less intelligent than men as a groupbut the statistics say that they are, which means that rather than trashing the statistician (which is what happened in reality in this case) we should be studying the gender bias in the tests, or trying to determine what happens at age 15 that causes the scores to deviate. Perhaps we should be evaluating why we place emphasis on high intelligence in our society, when statistics also indicate that highly intelligent people are less likely to describe themselves as happy or to make as much money as people who are only moderately more intelligent than average. Irrespective, we shouldnt be shooting the messenger or burying our heads in the sand. Its time for society to become truly post-feminist and post-bigoted by being able to explore information irrespective of the ramications. We will only understand if we dare to question.</rant>

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ForwardSlash: Yahoo depressed about dumping Google

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 06, 2004 at 10:39AM From the stupid-is-as-stupid-does dept. matthew writes: [From SlashNOT, Jan 14th, 2005]408 Visibly upset, and drinking heavily, Yahoo today expressed serious regret over dumping Google a year ago409. We were Yahoo and Google, man. Everyone knew us, loved uswanted to be Us. Then I had to go mess it up. Why do I always do that, man? We really had a good thing goingthe best portal plus the best searchit was like we owned the web. I guess I wanted different thingsyou know, some variety. So I started going after paid links. When Google found out I was doing paid links, it was like something died between us. But why shouldnt I do paid links? This isnt 1995its not all free browsing and happiness. And yeah, there were major control issues. I wanted a partner that would be more submissive to my demands. So I broke it off with Google. Things went down hill fast. As it turns out, people seem to want relevant links rather than paid inserts when they search for something. All of our friends sided with Google in the breakup. Ive lost so much money that Im sharing bandwidth with AOL, and Ive alienated pretty much everyone else. Ive tried to call Google a bunch of times, but I guess Google is doing just ne without me. I just wish I had a chance to apologize. I still do Google searches all the time. (Yahoo today expressed serious regret over dumping Google a year ago) story.news.yahoo.com/ news?tmpl=story&cid=808&ncid=808&e=3&u=/dowjones/20040106/bs_dowjones/ 200401060157000411

408. This was the future, when this story was written. 409. I think stories about anthropomorphized search engines are really funny.

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SETI calls off search

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 01, 2003 at 06:02PM From the rst-to-know-rst-to-go410 dept. Matthew writes: SETI has recently decided to permanently suspend the search for extra-terrestrial intelligence. Dr. Jill Cornel Tarter, director of SETI, has immediately and permanently suspended the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, providing only a brief statement and no clues as to what may have precipitated the decision. As of this day, further search activities for SETI have been suspended. We will continue to utilize the distributed cluster for a few days to complete some signal processing, and then subsequently automatically un-install the SETI@HOME software Id like to thank all SETI@HOME users. Id also like to say that it was nice knowing all of you, and Good luck next Thursday411. (SETI) www.seti.org/ (SETI@removed.seti.org/seti/other_projects/seti_at_home.html (Good luck next Thursday) armageddononline.tripod.com/aliens.htm

410. The unofcial motto of the Electronic Warfare (EW) technicians in the Navy (the people who detect inbound cruise missiles) was First to know, rst to go. I was an EW. 411. Armageddon Online, a website that explores alien invasion in detail.

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Atari 2600 Linux project nears success

Posted by Michael on Sunday October 13, 2002 at 04:15AM From the Rube-Goldberg-would-be-proud dept. Squid writes: Inspired by the Xbox Linux Project, who successfully turned a 200-dollar game console into a 200-dollar Linux computer412, a group of intrepid Belgian hackers have most of the Linux kernel running on an Atari 2600413. Not all potential Linux users can afford an Xbox, said project leader Jean-Paul Lejeune. Now, using only an Atari 2600, mouse, keyboard, hard drive, RAM, circuit board, EPROM burner, PIC programmer, and some duct tape, you can get Linux up and running in just a few days. The team still has much work ahead. So far, 2600 Linux can boot LILO, load most of the kernel, and core dump. The video display works, but currently shows Space Invaders graphics instead of text. The next build is slated to include the keyboard interface and the rst eight letters of the character set. (Xbox Linux Project) xbox-linux.sourceforge.net/ (200-dollar game console) www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00005O0I6/qid=1034503261/ sr=8-3/ref=sr_8_3/002-7151935-6946418?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846 (200-dollar Linux computer) www.walmart. com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1957333&cat=41937&type=19&dept=3944&path=0%3A3944%3A3951%3A41937 (Atari 2600) www.atariage.com/ (2600 Linux) www.atarihq.com/museum/2678/graduate.html (Space Invaders) spaceinvaders.retrogames.com/html/index.html

412. A link to Wal-Marts $200 computer that comes with Linux pre-installed. Yep, costs less than an XBOX, and doesnt require all the hacking. 413. Remember these? They were the rst game consoles that took cartridges and could play things other than Pong. I think they had about 4K of RAM, which is about enough memory to hold this footnote if you include the font and internal reference overhead.

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How to post a Craigslist Car Ad

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 11, 2005 at 11:51PM From the caveat-emperor dept. Paul414 writes: Each of these tips have been carefully culled from ne examples of automobile for-sale ads here on Craigslist. Feel free to consult them when writing your own 9 tips for effective car sale ads: 1. In your ad title, dont list the make, or model, or possibly the year of the car you are selling. Buyers dont necessarily need to know this up front and the intrigue draws them into reading the ad. 2. In the description, omit the color, transmission type, major options, or especially the mileage. If a buyer was interested, she wont mind taking the time to send you email to nd out, and the emotional rapport youll subsequently develop will make her more likely to buy your car. 3. Take pictures, because pictures help sell cars. But take them at night. Or even inside your garage with a small ash. This gives the pictures a bold, unique look, and the effect helps enhance the mystique of your vehicle. 4. WRITE DESCRIPTION ALL CAP FOR EMPHASIS. CLOSE PAY ATTENTION TO GRAMMAR POSITIVE FOR BUYERS PERCEPTION OF YOU AND YOUR VEHICLE. 5. Clearly state how much you paid for it ve years ago new, or used, or how much money youve had to put into repairs (but theres no need to waste space listing the actual work done). This information is critical to helping a prospective buyer to determine its current value. 6. Add many keywords to your ad. Though they may not have anything to do with the car you are selling, they make it more likely to appear in search results. There is some chance that someone desiring an S2000 will instead buy your lowered Civic. 7. Theres no need to mention if the car has been in an accident or has any other title blemish. You will in time nd a cash buyer who has never heard of CARFAX. 8. Include phrases such as my loss is your gain, I hate to part with it, nicest car around, or any explanation about why you are selling it that includes your wife. These build empathy with a prospective buyer. 9. Wax rhapsodic415 about how 125K miles is still young for any car other than a Mercedes.

414. Paul is my brothers friend. Every time I go to Seattle, hes agonizing about buying a car for some reason. He keeps buying cars that he doesnt really like. I think Im starting to understand why. 415. This is what I will name my candle company, when I get around to starting it.

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NASA Engineer left keys to spirit Rover on Earth

Posted by Matthew on Friday January 09, 2004 at 09:10PM From the we-just-made-up-the-airbag-story dept. Matthew writes: Three days after the successful landing of the Spirit Rover on Mars, NASA Chief Sean OKeefe has admitted than a member of the Spirit Rover team left the keys to the robotic rover on Earth in his jacket pocket, leaving the rover stranded within the landing module and unable to transit down the ramp onto the Martian surface. Were currently exploring various avenues to get the rover started without the keys, but at this point we may have to face the fact that weve already seen the best pictures were going to get from the Mission. Weve subsequently initiated an investigation into the location of the keys to Spirits twin, the Opportunity rover, which will touch down on the Martian surface in two weeks, and yes, the same Engineer was found with those keys as well. JPL Engineers have been attempting to use the Rovers small robotic arm to move a bolt found lying on the oor of the lander into position where it can short the ignition contacts. Its not clear why the Rovers were designed with key operated ignitions, considering the lack complex life on Mars. Consultants to SlashNOT have speculated that cost cutting measures under NASAs smaller, faster, cheaper program have necessitated the re-use of components from the automobiles of Engineering personnel. Help by TheSquirrelShhhItsASecret on Friday, January 09 at 09:56PM Maybe they (or any SlashNOTers) can publish a schematic to show me where to place that bl**dy screw! I havent been able to start my 2001 STATESMAN WH II416 for over a year now! Any help would be appreciated!

416. Anybody know what a Statesman WH II is?

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Microsoft releases Windows XP Suck Edition

Posted by Matthew on Saturday August 14, 2004 at 09:11PM From the But-a-rose-with-only-one-petal-wouldnt dept. Matthew writes: Editors Note: Stories in the True Stories category are factual. Microsoft has announced the release of a starter version of Windows XP for the piracy-infested southeast Asia region called Windows XPSE. XPSE, retailed for about $ 35 dollars (vs. $ 4 for a pirated copy of XP Pro) has the following features designed to woo consumers away from piracy: A limit of three running applications at one time. A limit of three windows per application No windows networking support No signicant ability to change default settings Few of XPs built-in applications.417 Gartner Group principle analyst Martin Gilliland states: Weve recommended, basically, that nobody buy these. [The product] has no value for anybody as this stands.418 (Gartner Group principle analyst Martin Gilliland states: Weve recommended, basically, that nobody buy these. [The product] has no value for anybody as this stands.) www.internetnews.com/bus-news/ article.php/3394991 No Subject Given by TiXo on Sunday, September 12 at 09:17AM great, you start: 1.rewall 2.antivirus 3.winamp and you got yourself nice mp3 player from Microsoft :)419

417. Other than Notepad, XP doesnt have any useful built-in applications anyway. Oh yeah, and Calculator. So thats two. 418. Actual quote. 419. No, youve got a big, non-portable MP3 player for more money than an iPod Nano.

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Immigrants enter US using Microsoft Passports

Posted by Michael on Friday November 15, 2002 at 05:48AM From the are-Honda-Passports-next? dept. Michael writes: The US Immigration Department reported yesterday that it had apprehended several men who entered the United States illegally by using Microsoft .NET Passports420. While the details are not clear, border guards apparently thought the passports appeared legitimate. Microsoft will issue these passports to just about anyone, said an Immigration ofcial, and we want to make it clear that they are not valid international passports. Microsofts Steve Ballmer says the company is shocked that this could happen. While .NET Passports provide single sign-in and express purchasing in a secure and private way, they are not intended to allow entrance into any territory, said Ballmer. But wed be happy to discuss this with the US Government as a future option. (.NET Passports) www.microsoft.com/netservices/passport/overview.asp (just about anyone) www.wired.com/news/conict/0,2100,56292,00.html (secure) alive.znep.com/marcs/passport/page2.html#passportproblems (private) www.epic.org/privacy/consumer/microsoft/ (allow entrance) www.joelonsoftware.com/articles/fog0000000047.html (future option) seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/businesstechnology/134438173_passport18.html

420. Remember Passport? It was going to be the webs universal logon. Until everyone realized that noboby trusts Microsoft. The one third party company they signed up cancelled a year later, but in true Microsoft style they refuse to give up and still make everyone signing up for their own services use it.

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US to launch Federal Do-not-Sue list

Posted by Michael on Monday December 29, 2003 at 04:36AM From the if-only dept. Michael writes: The US Government today announced that it will open its much anticipated Do-notSue421 list to the public on January 1st, to help citizens avoid dinnertime interruptions by spurious lawsuits. While we are aware that lawsuits and subpoenas by the RIAA and the MPAA have not yet reached the noise level of telemarketing or spam, they are growing at an alarming rate, said a Federal Trade Commission spokesman. We hope the new system will prevent these risks for most consumers. Fred Johnson, a Cleveland street sweeper who has been sued several times, says this service couldnt come soon enough. Im 52 years old and dont even have a computer, but they think Im illegally sharing Eminem albums and bootleg copies of The Cat in the Hat. Sometimes I get two or three subpoenas during a single dinner. (RIAA) news.com.com/2100-1027-5129687.html?tag=nl (MPAA) news.com.com/2100-1026_3-5133522.html?tag=nefd_top (telemarketing) www.azcentral.com/business/articles/1228Donotcall28.html (spam) www.internetnews.com/IAR/article.php/3292361 (growing) www.crn.com/sections/BreakingNews/dailyarchives.asp?ArticleID=46858 (The Cat in the Hat) www.google.com/search?q=%22Cat+in+the+Hat%22+%2B%22in+his+grave%22

421. Have you signed up on the do-not-call list? Theres also a do-not-spam list, but that doesnt seem to work as well.

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Kodak releases a whole new You

Posted by Matthew on Saturday August 14, 2004 at 11:05PM From the be-somebody-else dept. Matthew writes: Kodak is jumping into the digital photo organization and retouching market with its You 2.0 Photo retouching software. Were going way beyond the red-eye reducers and blemish erasers you get in Apple and Adobes products. Check out our list of features: Red-eye reducer Black-eye reducer Teeth whitener422 Teeth straightener Droopy eye opener423 Bunny-ear ngers remover Wandering gaze focuser Love handle reducer424 Ugly baby beautier Friend ethnicity diversier Grin degooer Hair comber Hair washer Double chin subtractor425 Forced family photo enjoyer426 Weve signicantly raised the bar here, allowing people to be remembered as they wish they were. No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Monday, August 23 at 08:15AM This site had a nice run. I know it is hard maintainingplease put it into archival mode.427 Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Tuesday, August 31 at 09:23AM Hard to maintain? Coming up with crappy satire once a week is easy.428
422. Need it. 423. Need it. 424. Need it. 425. Need it. 426. Need it. 427. Hes worded this very nicely.

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Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Friday, September 03 at 06:44AM No. Assuming this isnt the Matthew that runs this site429, it is hard. We all have real lives, and stuff like this isnt priority one. When it becomes priority ve, it is probably time though to close shop. I still check back from time to time, but it has gone downhill430. Not an insult, as I have never done anything like it. My personal opinion is close shop, put into archival mode.431 Re: Screw you hippie! by Mylo SlashNOT@removed.net on Friday, September 03 at 01:18PM This site is funny.. it may not get the trafc of slashdot but I see keep it going, and I am always right!432 Re: No Subject Given by matthew on Tuesday, September 07 at 11:16AM Dude, anyone who puts a priority higher than ten to writing silly satire for free would be a complete idiot. Frankly, the humor content has gone down a tad because the regular news is consumed with terrorism and war and the tech markets are almost totally stagnant right now. Theres just not that much fodder for satire. So when the world gets funnier, SlashNOT will get funnier with it.433

428. It is pretty easy. 429. It was me. 430. It came back up hill, when the world got funnier. 431. Or you could just stop frequenting the site and call it your own personal archival mode. 432. You are always right, Mylo? 433. Yeah, you tell em, me!

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Students admit conspiracy against RIAA

Posted by Michael on Saturday April 12, 2003 at 12:52AM From the if-only-they-had-used-their-powers-for-niceness dept. Michael writes: Four students who were sued last week by music-industry watchdog RIAA have admitted, after intense questioning, that they deliberately conspired434 against the RIAA. We met one evening in our secret lair and talked about what we could do to vanquish our arch-enemy, the music industry, and le sharing was the obvious answer, said one of the remorseless students. We realized that four college students could single-handedly crush a billion-dollar industry just by swapping a few Blink 182 songs. An RIAA spokesman announced today that charges will be led against all four students. Were pleased to have found the source of the music industrys troubled history, and now that their plot has been foiled, we can restore the music industry to its former glory. (sued last week) www.alvabraille.com/MPO/default.asp (secret lair) www.villainsupply.com/lairs.html (vanquish) www.villainsupply.com/superweapons.html (arch-enemy) theages.superman.ws/Encyclopaedia/luthor/ (troubled history) www.mebis.com/INTERPR.htm (former glory) www.history-of-rock.com/payola.htm Red Alert by Digital Mercenary scavenge@removed.org on Tuesday, April 22 at 05:55AM Rogue-13 Encrypt/Decrypt:startAll Cells Red ALERT! Weve been made! Torch all copies of Kazaa, Morpeus, limewire.. ETC.. until further notice! We gotta lay low until this blows overdont worry.. well nd another way to get those bastardsThe R&D cells will continue there researchNew Theoretical Technologies like the File Tranfer Protocol may become a reality in the near futureWe can still win this. That is allEND435

434. They were actually charged with conspiracy. Conspiracy is really hard to prove, so RIAA has largely dropped the throw everything and the kitchen sink at the rst downloader we nd approach approach and adopted a sue em all and let god sort em out tactic that is, at least, less expensive. 435. Oops. Weve been inltrated.

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Last Tablet PC user in the wild dies

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 02, 2003 at 10:17PM From the survival-of-the-ttest dept. Matthew writes: The last Tablet PC user living in the wild has died, making the viability of the form factor doubtful. Tablet PCs are now represented only by small populations spread amongst zoos, museums, and at Microsofts corporate headquarters436. Its certainly a sad day. Every time we loose a unique form factor, its less diversity. Who knows what medicine could have been developed on the platform? We may just have lost the cure for cancer. says computer industry analyst Seymour Cleverly437. But lets face it: The tablet features were a metabolic cost that made the species less nimble in the sales race than lower cost competitors in the straight laptop market. Couple that with the not-quite-ready-forprime-time voice and handwriting recognition, and youve got a niche species that just wasnt going to do well against the native species in the market area. Microsoft has announced captive breeding programs with the goal of eventually re-establishing Tablet PCs in the wild.438 (making the viability of the form factor doubtful) www.vnunet.com/News/1142719

436. This article was quoted specically when PC World listed SlashNOT as one of the 100 best sites on the web. So I know its funny, damnit. Laugh! Laugh I tell you! 437. My High School Computer Science teachers name was Cleverly, but he wasnt. 438. Like Microsoft Passport, this is one of those ideas that Microsoft just isnt going to let die.

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Apple Announces the iCloset

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 04, 2003 at 04:50PM From the now-I-get-the-container-store-pun dept. Jason Simpson writes: At a networking and storage convention today, Apple announced it will be releasing a revolutionary new technology titled the iCloset. The iCloset is a generic storage device which can be used anywhere in the home as well as for business applications. It easily stores a multitude of heterogeneous items and is highly congurable. Aside from its functionality, Apple has stayed true to their commitment to aesthetics giving iCloset users a range of options for integrating the device into almost any rooms decor. For example, we offer several doors for the iCloset, said James Horder, iCloset spokesperson. One is a standard door which appears to the user to be like any other door in the room, for seamless integration. More elaborate congurations include sliding doors, which may appeal to the more advanced user. Horder also hints at congurations with mirrored sliding doors which might target customers in the same demographic as those who use the iBrator439. There are no plans to develop doors which have the look and feel of Windows. While critics are impressed, they still have some reservations. I mean, I like the idea of being able to put all of my stuff away in one place, it seems like it would be easier to nd things when I needed them. said convention goer Carla Dreck. But my concern is that average users with the standard or swinging door may become confused, mistaking it as an access point to another location or application. According to Dreck, in the worst case this could lead to incidents where users are attempting to drag unwanted items to the garbage can, but nd themselves in the closet instead. Due to the laziness of the average Mac user, Dreck continued, they would probably just leave the item there. This would eventually impact system performance. Others show concerns regarding legal issues. One convention goer who wishes to remain anonymous voiced his concerns. Some might argue that the coat hanger, which is an integral component of the iCloset, providing for nearly 90 percent of its functionality, is built on top of the bent metal wire technology already patented by Microsoft circa 712 A.D. He then went on to produce several stone tablets from his briefcase to verify the validity of his claim and declared that his back was killing him. Some onlookers were shocked to see this new evidence while others simply thought he had been carrying a dell around in that bag. Microsoft has already testied that the bent metal wire technology cannot be decoupled from their operating system. Aside from the negative criticism, some eager customers are already planning on what they will use their iClosets for. I plan to store my skins in one. said eager Mac use H. Lecter. One Linux user was unimpressed, reiterating that this technology has already been available on Linux in the form of the shelf . All you really need is some brackets and a board. And then of course some screws and a drill. Or maybe a hammer and some nails instead. Beginners might want to use a stud nder but real hackers know how to knock.440 He added that using a level was completely unnecessary. This may seem needlessly complex to some users which has resulted in newer distributions of Linux shipping with a shelf script which will automate the process.

439. This is where I laughed. 440. Lots of good operating system metaphors in this one.

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No Subject Given by Matthew on Tuesday, November 04 at 04:52PM I didnt laugh out loud until I hit iBrator. Then I couldnt stop. Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, November 04 at 10:53PM With this one you have to stick through the rst two paragraphs, but its funny as hell after that. Re: Is it bad? by Tyson on Wednesday, November 05 at 10:58AM That I can envision *exactly* how an iBrator would look, how it would operate and how it would of course have built-in wireless. Re: Is it bad? by Matthew on Friday, November 14 at 07:04PM It would work something like this. (Warning: Download the google toolbar and disable popups >before< clicking this link) Thats good! by winxp me@removed.net on Saturday, May 08 at 11:16AM I hate apple441, and its the kind of thing that apple would do :)

441. Remember, this was written in 2003, before it became mandatory for everyone to love Apple.

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Root DNS Servers 0wned by Hackers

Posted by Michael on Wednesday September 17, 2003 at 03:05AM From the evil-but-not-microsoft dept. Michael writes: In the largest ever attack of its kind, a mysterious hacker group calling itself V3R1S1GN has taken control of the nameservers at the root of the .COM and .NET top-level domains. On Monday, users who mistyped the names of popular Web sites were surprised to nd a cryptic message from the hackers instead of an error message: W3 4r3 V3r1s1gn 4nd w3 0wn th3 1nt3rn3t! 4ll y0ur d0m41ns 4r3 b3l0ng t0 us!442 Federal authorities are investigating but have not yet determined the source of the attack. Its probably the work of spammers, said one source at the FBI. This is similar to the crimes Zuccarini was arrested for earlier this year, but he at least had the decency to pay for his mistyped domain names. While the servers are still corrupted, technical solutions are being deployed to minimize the effects of the attack. (V3R1S1GN) www.verisign.com/ (taken control) news.com.com/2100-1032-5077530.html (cryptic message) sitender.verisign.com/lpc?url=www.v3r1s1gn.com&host=www.this-is-what-verisigndisplays-when-you-mistype-a-domain.com (source) www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/32852.html (attack) slashdot.org/articles/03/09/16/0034210.shtml?tid=126&tid=95&tid=98&tid=99 (spammers) www.zdnet.com.au/newstech/communications/story/0,2000048620,20278673,00.htm (Zuccarini) boston.internet.com/news/article.php/3072221 (technical solutions) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,60473,00.html

442. Verisign, the company that ICANN contracts to operate the .com domain one day decided that instead of sending out error messages to non-functioning domains, theyd simply redirect you to their website to be served a steaming pile of ads. Thats right folksno more error messages when you mis-type a domain name. They actually kept it up for two weeks before ICANN made them x things. It broke all sorts of network services.

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Linux Users to Form New Religious Sect

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 23, 2004 at 06:58PM From the holy-full-length-article-batman dept. Nathan Dykman writes: In a stunning move, a large group of Linux users have decided that in order to protect the purity and sanctity of Linux, the most holy of codes, a new church containing only the truest of believers must be formed immediately to combat the forces of evil in our nal days.443 When the Antichrist has revealed himself unto us and the nal battle draws neigh, the faithful must gather together and prepare to ght, said Frank Coventry, spokesperson for the new True Church of Linux. Church members believe that the lawsuit brought by SCO against IBM and other Linux vendors has shown that the Antichrist is none other than Darl McBride, CEO of SCO. His highest servant, later revealed as Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, failed to stop us. So now, the dark one himself is with us, and we shall once again prevail over him. Church members noted that there are other forces against them. Those who have polluted Linux in the name of user-friendliness have allowed the unbelievers to foul and profane the once glorious OS we worshipped, said one member who only identied himself as punkbust12. Another member noted Those who blaspheme against the command line, who can not grasp the glory of inetd.conf, the rapture of sendmail; it is these heathen lusers that too many have slavishly appeased. No more. They are not worthy of the awesome beauty and healing grace of/dev/proc. KDE Sucks. GNOME too. [sic] KDE and GNOME are popular windowing environments for Linux. It is rumored that some in the church frevently believe that Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux, will reveal himself to be none other than the savior himself. One member, who asked not to be named, noted that Linus and Jesus do kind of sound alike. When asked to comment, Torvalds refused, saying only Im not wasting my time answering that bunch of stark raving loonies also muttering The nerve of some people. The SCO lawsuit claims that IBM and others have violated their copyrights on Unix. Some at SCO believe that IBM, HP and other major companies have ruined SCOs ability to do business by giving away software that is very similar to what they sell. SCOs claims have raised the ire of many Linux users. Experts note that it is clear that the lawsuit is a rst for the software industry. Certainly, I cant think of any case before this in which a smaller company claimed to be irreparably damaged by a large company giving away software, said Rob Donnell, a software law expert. The war of good and evil begins. Our number may seem few, but we shall arise victorious, and the glory of Open Source shall beam from the heavens upon us all., said Mr. Coventry. Mr. Coventry went on to say that even the Apple-worshipper shall fall onto his knees and praise the one true OS. The Church of Jobs refused ofcal comment. Church members are steeling themselves for a long battle. We are prepared. Our souls are light, our PCs overclocked, said one member. A passerby, after being told what the meeting, being held in a smallish room at the local community college, was about, commented A damn church. Over stuff that runs on a computer. Fucking nutballs. When told that Linux was a OS, not some idiotic trashy game that dumb kids get way into. the passerby then proceeded to yell Dumb asses! a few times at churchgoers before leaving.
443. WARNING: This article is extremely long and rather nonsensical. If you didnt nd it funny in this rst paragraph, you may want to skip it and not hold it against us.

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Church members noted that there are other forces against them. Those who have polluted Linux in the name of user-friendliness have allowed the unbelievers to foul and profane the once glorious OS we worshipped, said one member who only identied himself as punkbust12. Another member noted Those who blaspheme against the command line, who can not grasp the glory of inetd.conf, the rapture of sendmail; it is these heathen lusers that too many have slavishly appeased. No more. They are not worthy of the awesome beauty and healing grace of/dev/proc. KDE Sucks. GNOME too. [sic] KDE and GNOME are popular windowing environmentsfor Linux. It is rumored that some in the church frevently believe that Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux, will reveal himself to be none other than the savior himself. One member, who asked not to be named, noted that Linus and Jesus do kind of sound alike. When asked to comment, Torvalds refused, saying only Im not wasting my time answering that bunch of stark raving loonies also muttering The nerve of some people. The SCO lawsuit claims that IBM and others have violated their copyrights on Unix. Some at SCO believe that IBM, HP and other major companies have ruined SCOs ability to do business by giving away software that is very similar to what they sell. SCOs claims have raised the ire of many Linux users. Experts note that it is clear that the lawsuit is a rst for the software industry. Certainly, I cant think of any case before this in which a smaller company claimed to be irreparably damaged by a large company giving away software, said Rob Donnell, a software law expert. The war of good and evil begins. Our number may seem few, but we shall arise victorious, and the glory of Open Source shall beam from the heavens upon us all., said Mr. Coventry. Mr. Coventry went on to say that even the Apple-worshipper shall fall onto his knees and praise the one true OS. The Church of Jobs refused ofcal comment. Church members are steeling themselves for a long battle. We are prepared. Our souls are light, our PCs overclocked, said one member. A passerby, after being told what the meeting, being held in a smallish room at the local community college, was about, commented A damn church. Over stuff that runs on a computer. Fucking nutballs. When told that Linux was a OS, not some idiotic trashy game that dumb kids get way into. The passerby then proceeded to yell Dumb asses! a few times at churchgoers before leaving.

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ForwardSlash: 2004 Predictions

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday December 31, 2003 at 01:42AM From the uncanny-accuracy dept. Matthew writes: At the beginning of each year, SlashNOT predicts the top 10 tech trends. The 2004 predictions are: Anti-spam software will nally become useful, allowing you to blame it for not getting e-mail from people you dont want to talk to. Every tech job in America will be outsourced to India. Americans will still be fat and rich, but even less deservedly so. SCO will go down in ames444 after a federal court rules that they dont actually own the rights to UNIX. Linux users worldwide will break out in celebration, scaring the crap out of the 99% of the world who have no idea why geeks are running naked in the streets and dancing with stuffed penguins. Microsoft will cut the price of Ofce in half as its hit with four consecutive quarters of its rst-ever decreasing sales numbers. Microsoft will put X-Box on the street in smeared makeup and wobbly heels in an attempt to make quick money. Opteron will destroy Itanium445, forcing Intel to launch a 64-bits is 32 bits too many ad campaign. The new era of 64-bit computing446 will usher in a lasting age of brotherhood, peace, and global harmony. Republicans will begin to purchase Apple computers for the rst time447. Dell commercials will suck so badly that a few people will actually die watching them. iPods will outsell traditional Pods448. Voice over IP will ounder as corporate America realizes that it doesnt really need phones to be as reliable and expensive as computers449. Microsoft will announce that Windows XP Service Pack 2 xes the major security holes. One month later, the Reaper worm will take down every Windows XP machine that isnt behind a rewall.450

444. This still hasnt happened, but its right around the corner at this point. 445. Yeah, who didnt see that coming? Id call it the Itanic if The Register hadnt beaten me to it. 446. Remember 1989, the year of the 32-bit processor (at least, from Intel)? Thats right, the Berlin wall fell. So I really do have hope for 64-bits. 447. 90% of Apple users voted democratic in the 2000 election. That means that there are essentially no Apple computers in Utah. 448. Yeah, I totally saw this coming. 449. Anybody gure out why VoIP is a good thing yet? 450. If I had just called this Spyware instead, Id have been right again.

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The Spyware who Loved Me

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 24, 2003 at 08:16PM From the Licensed-to-Satirize dept. Matthew writes: Security analysts have determined that a recent malicious e-mail received by employees of a British credit card company was not an indiscriminate attack by an anonymous worm, but a deliberate attempt to inltrate that specic company with the goal of total global annihilation. The e-mail, titled From Russia, with Love, apparently installed a piece of software that would overdrive the infected computers processor, turning each machine into a ticking time bomb, which, in sum, contained enough explosive power to crack the Earths crust and set off a chain of volcanoes whose output would darken the sun and cause the Earth to be enveloped in the equivalent of a nuclear winter. Fortunately, the Her Majestys Secret Service caught wind of the exploit hours before it went live, so agents were able to stop the Spyware just prior to setting off thousands of computers simultaneously. Because the hackers had left their servers address in the Spyware, Agents were able to trace them back to their secret lair in the North Sea, which was destroyed in the ensuing arrest attempt. (a recent malicious e-mail received by employees of a British credit card company) news.com.com/21001032_3-5108965.html?tag=st_pop (From Russia, with Love) www.jamesbond.com/dvd-vhs/us/index.html (Her Majestys Secret Service) www.mi5.gov.uk/ (their secret lair in the North Sea) www.sealandgov.com451/

451. Sealand is a WWII era steel gun platform built outside the UKs territorial waters. In 1967, a kook named Paddy Roy Bates, now known as Prince Roy of Sealand, moved his family onto the abandoned gun tower and declared its independence. Oddly, his independence was subsequently upheld in British courts, and the gun tower operates as a small extranational territoryunrecognized by any other nation, but also unregulated by the laws of any nation. Sealand issues Passports, stamps, and coinage with a xed exchange rate of $1 U.S. Dollarif you can get anyone to exchange them. The history of Sealand has been rife with the sort of silliness that happens to kooksIt was blockaded by the Royal Navy in 1968, invaded in the mid 1970s by a force of mercenaries hired by an investment partnerresulting in Prince Roy holding two of the mercenaries captive for quite some time and requiring the governments of Germany and the Netherlands to at least partially recognize the sovereignty of Sealand in order to secure the release of their citizens. During the Internet bubble, Sealand operated as a secure Internet hosting platform, but as far as I can tell, that operation ran out of money and failed, although its website still exists. As with all true kooks, we wish Prince Roy and the rest of the royal family well.

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Pilot Pen: Please stop calling PDAs Pilots

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 28, 2002 at 11:38AM From the we-invented-this-word dept. Matthew writes: Pilot Pen company, owner of the trademark term Pilot for anything that is long, reasonably straight, and pointed at one end, has appealed to consumers to please stop referring to all PDA devices as Pilots452. We asserted our trademark rights to any product that included anything long, reasonably straight, and pointed at one end when we threatened to sue USRobotics to force them to change the name of the Palm Pilot to the Palm Device. said a company spokesman. At that time, there were 1/10th as many palm users as there are now. But for some reason, consumers latched onto the term Pilot to refer to any handheld device. Even PocketPC users call their devices Pilots. Its damning. They havent been sold as Pilots for over ve years now, but were in danger of loosing our trademark rights to anything long, reasonably straight, and pointed at one end due to common usage. We dont want to wind up like Band-Aid, Jello, or PC. The spokesman did not answer questions about how something at, reasonably square, and not pointed at one end could have infringed their rights originally. (Pilot Pen company) www.pilotpen.com/ (Pilots) www.adage.com/news.cms?newsId=33471

452. I still refer to Palm devices as Pilots, even though they were called that for fewer years than theyve been called Palm Platform Personal Digital Assistants. Oh yeah, I think I just gured out why.

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Apple sues Motorola over G4 performance problems

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 07, 2002 at 12:20AM From the whats-after-Pentium dept. Matthew writes: Apple led suit against Motorola today in an attempt to force the chip maker to improve its high-end processor performance. The Motorola processors have been accid for the last few years453. Certainly nothing like Intels upcoming Sexium line of processors. Weve tried counseling, weve tried extra hardware to enhance performance, weve even done two processors at once to try get some satisfying performance out of these chips. When Motorolas G4 rst started taking Altivec, it clearly helpedthats why were still with the platform, frankly. But its time for Motorola to swallow its pride and get some professional help. Obviously, weve been willing to wear anything454 to jazz things up, but nothing seems to work. Motorola did not release a comment, stating instead that it had to work late. (Apple) www.apple.com/ (Motorola) www.motorola.com (two processors at once) store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/171/wo/ u4Kza2dd5SMcQkE1C/0.3.0.3.34.37.1.0.1.3.1.3.1.1.0?111,66455 (Altivec) www.viagra.com/ (wear anything) www.apple.com/macosx/

453. In keeping with our uncanny prognosticative abilities, Apple dumped Motorola for Intel earlier this year. Normally switching processor families would be alarming, but Apple has successfully managed it before. 454. This was a link to Apples OS X website in the 10.2 Jaguar days, when the X was done as leopard print fur. 455. Im betting nobody actually ever types this in.

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Verizon Bounty
Posted by Matthew on Monday September 06, 2004 at 10:43PM From the Cream-Pie-Violence dept. Yuri writes: Hackers have placed the worlds rst dual-bounty on Verizon because they disabled the Bluetooth le transfer and serial port features of the Motorola v710 phone. The bounty is for the rst person who either: (a) re-enables these features via a software hack, or (b) plants a cream-pie squarely in the face of the CEO of Verizon Wireless for disabling the features in the rst place.456 The bounty is currently at $1026 dollars, and you can place your donation via paypal. Note: SlashNOT does not condone cream pie violence against anyone457. Else. (Hackers) www.nuclearelephant.com/papers/v710hackers.html (Verizon) www.verizonwireless.com

456. Then they did this to their issue of the Palm Treo. Bastards. 457. Actually, cream pie violence is the only sort that we do condone.

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I, Roomba
Posted by Matthew on Friday April 30, 2004 at 12:12AM From the positronic-drain dept. Matthew writes: I, Roomba, the upcoming sci- thriller suggested by the synonymous novel by Isaac Asimov, follows the exploits of a detective who realizes that the amazingly popular disc-shaped self-propelled vacuums arent nearly as innocuous as they seem. I have to say I was a bit disappointed. The only thing suggested by the novel seems to be the really cool title and the three laws of robotics: Spiral, Bump, and Turn458. The plot was reasonable enough (vacuums become ubiquitous by alleviating chores, people begin to trust them, vacuums take over), but it strains credibility to suggest that only one person in the world didnt trust them. Im sure Andy Bell wouldnt have trusted them459. Despite the holes in the plot, the effects are second-to-none. The swarm mode scene is a must seemillions of Roombas bump their way out of their homes and converge in the streets, cleaning everything in site. And the killer suction-time effect shows the vacuums suctioning individual particles of dirt in slow motion. Its like nothing youve ever seen. (I, Roomba) www.irobotmovie.com i believe by santesana ilija@removed.com on Saturday, November 05 at 08:58PM Why is it that I can easily see the Wachowski bros. doing this movie? They could cast Keanu Reeves to play the computer hacker who is pulled away from watching the Roomba work after realizing that its always going to do the same thing, (turn, bump, turn). Santesana

458. iRobot does not appear to have implemented Asimovs three laws in the production Roomba. On numerous occasions, mine has failed to act to prevent me from being harmed. 459. I love late night AM radio. Its a wonderland of conspiracy theories.

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Tablet PC sales unexpectedly brisk

Posted by Matthew on Monday March 17, 2003 at 05:38PM From the Makes-sense-now-that-I-think-about-it dept. Matthew writes: According to a report issued this weekend, tablet PC sales are unexpectedly brisk, taking makers like Toshiba and HP by surprise. The numbers are actually much higher than predicted, says an industry spokesperson. It seems that consumers are buying two or three of the devices in an attempt to nd the right model for themthat is, one with an effective input mechanism. Specic sales gures conrm the reports: A Toshiba Portege 3500 Tablet PC has been sold to every person who purchased the ViewSonic V1100, thus doubling the number of devices sold in total. A surprising number of HP units has been sold to purchasers of the Gateway Tablet PCs as well.460 What were seeing is that everyone who buys a slate version quickly replaces it with a convertible version. Typically, the slate device is then handed down to a pre-typing child or executive. (report) www.techweb.com/wire/story/TWB20030317S0007 (tablet PC) www.imakenews.com/infocater/e_article000119956.cfm (unexpectedly brisk) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=132 (an effective input mechanism) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=162 (ViewSonic V1100) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=160 (executive) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=148

460. This story is one of a number I posted during my attempt to love Tablet PCs. The slate style tablets are particularly worthless, lacking any effective form of input. It was easier to input data into the IMSAI 8800 using the front panel toggle switches.

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Scientists: Head still evolving

Posted by Matthew on Friday September 09, 2005 at 12:13PM From the egogigantism dept. Matthew writes: In a trio of papers published in Science magazine, scientists have pinpointed three genes whose genetic mutations map to signicant advances in civilization because they allow humans to grow relatively large heads.461 The rst gene, known as Microcephalin, is responsible for determining the size of the brain. This gene rst appeared 37,000 years ago, at a time when weapon use, music, and spirituality rst became apparent in humans. The second gene, ASPM, works in conjunction with Microcephalin and appeared 5,700 years ago, at the point when civilization arose from agricultural communities.462 The third gene, MBS463, is responsible for abnormally large egos. A new mutation of this gene appeared just 35 years464 ago, presaging important technological advances such as blogging for no apparent audience, instant messaging to strangers, spam, and online dating services. It is also responsible for a comforting feeling that one is important to humanity despite evidence to the contrary465. (scientists have pinpointed three genes whose genetic mutations map to signicant advances in civilization) www.economist.com/science/displayStory.cfm? story_id=4370156

461. News ash: All life forms still evolving. 462. Damascus and Jericho were both more than 1,000 years old at this point in time. 463. My initials. 464. My age. 465. My ego.

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Microsoft changes name of Windows Server again

Posted by Michael on Monday January 27, 2003 at 01:12AM From the quick-hide-the-buzzwords dept. Michael writes: Shortly after announcing that they will rename Palladium to next-generation secure computing base466, Microsoft announced today that it will change the name of the upcoming Windows Server 2003 to next generation server operating system. The Windows name has been tarnished by controversy surrounding Microsofts legal battles as well as growing privacy concerns. This new name will give next generation server operating system the fresh start it needs to get ahead, said a Microsoft spokesperson. We previously tried just dropping .NET from the name, but that wasnt enough. Microsoft next generation server operating system, previously known as Windows Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server, previously known as Windows Server 2002, previously known as Whistler, will be released in April.467 (Palladium) www.salon.com/tech/feature/2002/07/11/palladium/ (next-generation secure computing base) news.com.com/2100-1001-982127.html (next generation server operating system) www.microsoft.com/windowsserver2003/default.mspx (dropping .NET) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=209ion=3 (next generation server operating system) zdnet.com.com/2100-11-502319.html?legacy=zdnn (Windows Server 2003) www.wininformant.com/Articles/Index.cfm?ArticleID=37640 (Windows .NET Server 2003) news.com.com/2100-1001-956054.html (Windows .NET Server) news.com.com/2100-1001-848912.html?tag=rn (Windows Server 2002) news.com.com/2100-1001-256750.html (Whistler) www.cnet.com/software/0-3709-8-3349049-1.html (April) www.timeanddate.com/calendar/monthly.html?year=2003&month=9&country=1 next generation server operating system by Me somewhere@removed.not on Monday, January 27 at 08:17AM You do realise this comes with a built-in acronym.. NG-SOS!

466. Microsoft announced this name change, and nobodys heard from them about DRM since. They have a habit of changing the subject when people ask about failed projects. Have you heard about the new XBOX 360? 467. You have to follow the links to understand why this story isnt funny.

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Sun leaving warehouse doors open

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday June 29, 2005 at 06:03PM From the ve-nger-discount dept. Matthew writes: Sun Microsystems, which has seen four quarters of slumping sales and has a mere 4 billion in cash reserves468, has announced that it is creating its rst-ever laptop469 and leaving its warehouse doors open at night in an attempt to drive adoption of its platform. A Sun spokesperson conrmed that they were also turning all the security cameras off, and that there were no night watchmen on duty. He also provided the corporate address and noted the presence of a UHaul truck leasing facility a mere six miles down the road. This came out of a C-level470 brainstorming session we had on how to move boxes. Scott [McNealy]471 said fuck it, lets just let the unsold boxes get stolen. Theyll inevitably wind up in someones hands, and maybe, just maybe, that someone will write the next great Solaris application472. (rst-ever laptop) www.technewsworld.com/story/44210.html

468. I could make that last a while. 469. Theres a story earlier in the book referencing a mythological Sun laptop from a decade ago in Man accidentally becomes common-law Mac User 470. I love stupid business jargon. C-level is an altitude of 0. 471. CEO of Sun. 472. Sun is still trying. They just released a new SPARC processor that is eight cores on one die. About equal to three Pentium 4, or 1.5 dual core Opterons.

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SlashNOT prediction accuracy questioned

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 21, 2003 at 07:06PM From the Metaphysicians-Desk-Reference dept. Matthew writes: In this article, posted December 5th, 2002, SlashNOT editor Matthew predicted that Microsoft would in three months time announce an epiphany concerning the use of DRM technology as a mechanism for securing Ofce Documents. That date would have been March 5th, 2003. Sadly, Microsofts DRM Epiphany was announced today, a full two weeks earlier than SlashNOT had predicted.473 SlashNOT editor Matthew explains: Well, its hard to explain to someone who is not a metaphysicist474, but precognition is not an exact science per se, in that its neither exact nor science. Its more or less like fuzzy logic, of course without being either of those as well. I inherited my knack from my maternal great-grandfather, who was able to predict with great accuracy the day that steel le cabinets surpassed wooden le cabinets in total installed units, and nailed the rate at which automated postal metering machines would increase in speed from the twenties through to the sixties475 (Oddly, his name was Moore as well476). Unfortunately, he was a four days off on the timing of the stock market crash of 29477, and vowed never again to use his powers of prognostication thenceforth478. (this article) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=173 (Microsofts DRM Epiphany) www.businessweek.com/technology/cnet/stories/985496.htm (someone who is not a metaphysicist) www.johnedward.net/index2.htm (exact science) link.springer.de/link/service/journals/00407/ (fuzzy logic) www.cs.berkeley.edu/zadeh/ Self-unfulllling prophecy. by Tyson on Friday, February 21 at 11:53PM Surely your prediction would have been correct if Microsoft hadnt read it:)

473. True story. We predicted that theyd realize they could use DRM for ofce documents, and sure enough, they did. 474. A link to John Edwards, that guy on TV who talks to dead relatives. Man, people are stupid. 475. Not true. 476. True. 477. Not True. 478. True.

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Microsoft makes mice smaller

Posted by Matthew on Saturday April 05, 2003 at 04:29PM From the smaller-is-just-smaller dept. C. ONuallain writes: Microsoft is once again a step ahead in the race to discover and fulll the needs of its customers. Their newest device, which they hope to release early this summer and discontinue by 2004, will hopefully replace the mouse or touchpad for laptop users. Its funny we havent thought about this before, one customer service representative commented. We realize that space is a crucial issue in computers, especially laptops. The Beetle will save at least six cubic inches of space, and if your laptop comes in a skin-tight case, thats a signicant amount. Touchpads and trackballs, she said are no longer status symbols; everyone knows how annoying they are479. The Beetle is sturdy and sleek, combining the accuracy of a mouse and the size of a lima bean. So far, testing has been remarkably successful. The only drawback is that it can be very hard to avoid clicking both right and left buttons simultaneously. Large-ngered testers have reported an added inability to use the scrolling wheel between the buttons without moving the whole device. A prototype for a future cordless Beetle has been made, and Microsoft plans to advertise it as small enough to accidentally swallow. Microsoft hoped to name their new product The Beatle, hoping to appeal to baby-boomers, but the owners of that registered name would only permit it to be used if the device were packaged with a fullsized poster of Paul McCartney that polled customers found offensive480. According to their latest press release, Microsoft will continue to use the name Beetle and hope that no one asks about the spelling.

479. I have a 17 PowerBook that has a corresponding 17 trackpad that is damned annoying. Its so large that it picks up hand motion from nearby while I type, so the cursor does this constant frenetic dance around the screen while I type. Its the only aw in this otherwise marvelous device. 480. It must really be sad to be chasing the ghost of your best friend. Hopefully, Mike wont be shot by any of our crazed fans.

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Priceless Museum Artifact Stolen

Posted by Matthew on Saturday March 15, 2003 at 11:26PM From the museum-of-unnatural-history dept. Matthew writes: A copy of Microsoft Bob signed by Melinda Gates481 has been stolen from the Microsoft Museum of Microsoft, located directly under the Microsoft Employees Store in building 27 North482 at Microsofts Redmond campus. The piece is considered irreplaceable because while tens of thousands of copies of Microsoft Bob were printed, nobody else seems to have a copy. Museum Curator Alfred Hickock (formerly of the Hormel Museum of Spam) had this to say: Microsoft Bob is unique. While millions of copies of Windows 3.11 for Workgroups still exist in their original boxes, it seems that nobody has retained a packaged copy of Microsoft Bob. Thats what makes this theft so heartbreaking. Children just wont be able to see what kind of impact Bob had on the industry. Late breaking news: A copy of Microsoft Bob suddenly appeared on Ebay, in new sealed condition. Acting on a tip, Police raided the home of a Quebecois dealer in software antiquities and found the copy stolen from the Microsoft Museum. Also recovered were two OEM copies of Windows 2.0483, a copy of MS-DOS 2.11, and a Picasso featuring a cubist rendition of a woman whose eyes resembled juxtaposed oppy disks. (the Microsoft Museum of Microsoft) www.wangjianshuo.com/personal/places/seattle/microsoft/ (Hormel Museum of Spam) media.hormel.com/anm/templates/spam_museum. asp?articleid=8&zoneid=11 (A copy of Microsoft Bob) cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3406764482&category=182

481. She was the project manager for Bob, before she married Bill. For some reason, he didnt hold it against her. She must be hot. 482. The actual location of the Microsoft Museum. Ive been there. Its about as boring as you can imagine, with framed retail boxes of DOS hung up above kiosks that attempt to explain why they were important. Upstairs is the Microsoft Store, where you can buy copies of failed game titles for $10 each. I bought Crimson Skies and Microsoft Train Simulator. 483. Ive actually installed Windows 2.0. It came packaged with a copy of some early page layout software (I think it was Aldus PageMaker, but Im probably mistaken) for the PC AT (80286) circa 1988. It ran only in monochrome, and looked a bit like GEM from the Atari ST. If I had to bet on a piece of software taking over the world, it most certainly would not have been Windows.

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Doom3 Boardgame hacked

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 01, 2005 at 06:26PM From the old-school-hacks dept. Matthew writes: As with most games, the recently released Doom3 board game484 has become the subject of intense hacking activity. The rst handful of hacks announced are a desk-lamp hack485, which is virtually required to make the game playable after about 6:00 p.m, and the card deck clip-size hack which increases the number of cards available to players by merging components from two copies of the game. Other major hacks are the WWII green army men hack, the introduction of a new supreme enemy Winky the Cat, and the rubberband gun uber-weapon. Players have also noted that the game is being intensely traded on the notorious crapsharing site ebay.com. (Doom3 board game) www.fantasyightgames.com/doom.html

484. Yes, its a link to a real Doom 3 board game. Why, I dont know. 485. Trying to play Doom3 without a ashlight hack would be much like trying to, well, raid a dungeon full of hell beasts in the dark without a ashlight taped to your machine gun. Yes, it would be exactly like that, minus all the actual dying.

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RIAA introduces digital song analysis service

Posted by Matthew on Thursday November 20, 2003 at 09:23AM From the conict-of-disinterest dept. Moondog writes: The RIAA announced today a new product it has developed with YES.net. Its called Flame That Tune. The whole thing is based on our existing song ngerprint technology, said YES.Net Director of Technology Christopher Barone. For some time now, weve been able to have our servers listen to the radio and use digital ngerprints to Name That Tune. Now weve developed technology that can analyze a songs ngerprint and tell a consumer whether or not a particular song is a piece of crap.486 There is this whole market segment out there of indies who dont care if they make money on music. They just want their music to be heard, said Cary Sherman, President of the RIAA. So get this: they offer their MP3s for free. As ridiculous as that sounds, this has become wildly popular. The problem is, the average consumer has to wade through a tremendous amount of crap before nding a decent song. With Flame That Tune, the consumer will no longer have to listen to a song to decide whether its crap or not. We can do the job for them. The product is to be released early next month. Critics are concerned however. Some say that Flame That Tune is simply a ploy by the RIAA to keep consumers hooked on music you have to buy. But the RIAA and Yes.Net are undaunted. Were excited about this new product, said Sherman. For years weve been working with radio stations to help them educate consumers about what good music is all about. And lets face it. The average consumer wouldnt know a great song if it hit them over the head. That of course, is where we come in.487 (RIAA) www.riaa.com (YES.net) www.yes.net (Name That Tune) www.nbc5i.com/technology/2191569/detail.html (indies) www.dmusic.com/ (Critics) www.boycott-riaa.com/ (music you have to buy) www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000DD7LB/qid=1069269853/sr=2-1/ ref=sr_2_1/002-3501688-3947203

486. This would really be useful if it existed. It could detect things like the sound of Britney Spears voice or the use of accordions. 487. I think they truly believe that they add value by telling us what to listen to.

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U.S. To add EULA to Dollar Bill

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 23, 2002 at 05:58PM From the Goose-stepping-morons dept. Submission by Cpt. Tako U.S. Secretary of Treasury Paul ONeil today announced that the U.S. would be adding a simple End User License Agreement to all denominations of American currency488. The basic idea is to make sure that people know that they cant copy money. Weve also added some liability protections. When pressed about the clause stating that users agree to be subject to compliance searches by treasury department ofcials at any time, Sec. ONeil referred reporters to the Department of Justice. Look, were not putting a gun to anyones head. If you dont like the EULA, dont use the currency. Its that simple.489 When reporters pointed out that it is illegal to trade in foreign currencies inside the U.S., and that the IRS requires taxation on barter to be paid in Dollars, and that city code prevents most citizens from growing their own food and manufacturing their own durable goods, ONeal again referred them to the DoJ for clarication. (Treasury) www.treasury.gov (Paul ONeil) www.treasury.gov/organization/bios/oneill-e.html (treasury department ofcials) www.treasury.gov/organization/ofcials.html (Department of Justice) www.justice.gov/ (IRS) www.irs.gov/

488. End-user license agreements still havent been tested in front of a Jury. So feel free to keep clicking without reading. They dont mean a damned thing other than that you agree to uphold basic copyright and trademark provisions of the law. 489. When governments require you to use proprietary software, such as Microsoft Word, to download and use information from you, they are de-facto requiring you to agree to Microsofts EULA. This is the core reason why governments should be forced to use open document standards (such as plain text) that have no EULA provisions associated with them. You could wind up being Bill Gates towel boy for life just because you wanted to read a provision of the tax code.

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Chess champion to ght giant robot

Posted by Michael on Sunday October 20, 2002 at 06:38AM From the what-Id-pay-to-see dept. Squid writes: After the Brains in Bahrain competition, which pitted World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik against an expensive computer named Deep Fritz, ended in a stalemate this week, its organizers have scheduled a new game in which Kramnik will face a giant robot490. Lets face it, said a spokesman for Einstein Group, who organized the event, We spent lots of money promoting this and it ended up making Man-Machine Chess look as exciting as tic tac toe. We think Kramnik owes us a contest worth watching.491 At this writing, it was uncertain whether Kramnik would accept the challenge. While he is used to battling computers, said his agent, he is a bit wary of the laser death-ray eyes and the pulverizing grip of this particular model. Organizers are hoping to entice Kramnik by offering him his choice of ray gun. (Brains in Bahrain) www.brainsinbahrain.com/ (Vladimir Kramnik) kramnik.homestead.com/ (Deep Fritz) www.chessgames.com/player/deep_fritz.html (a stalemate) www.msnbc.com/news/820304.asp?cp1=1 (a giant robot) chaoskids.com/ROBOTS/TSGR/TSGR.html (Einstein Group) www.einstein-group.tv/ (tic tac toe) www.sciicks.com/wargames/review.html (ray gun) www.toyraygun.com/

490. A book cover from the 50s showing a rampaging giant robot and two kids screaming and pointing at it. 491. I think a combination of Ultimate Fighting and Battlebots that pitted man against machine would really take off in the ratings. In fact, Im certain of it.

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Microsoft creates Zombie network

Posted by Matthew on Sunday October 30, 2005 at 09:01PM From the Night-of-the-living-DOS dept. Matthew writes: In an attempt to catch spammers, Microsoft has created a zombie network designed to be attacked and inltrated by hackers. The network, consisting of 500 million consumer and business grade computers, was specially infected with Microsoft Windowssoftware explicitly designed to attract hackers and allow them to easily compromise the machines.492 A Microsoft spokesman explains: We take typical computers and convince their owners (we call them Zombies) to install Windows. Once the machines have been thoroughly compromised, we take three or four of them and track down the people controlling them. This allows us to prosecute those individuals, thus making the Internet safer for everyone. (Microsoft has created a zombie network) www.techspot. com/news/19244-microsoft-tackles-spam-zombies.html493

492. In practical terms, Windows isnt much less secure than any other operating system of the same size. But in real terms, because so many more hackers target it, it gets exploited a lot more than Mac OS X or Linux. 493. A link to an article concerning Microsoft setting up a honeypot network to attract spammers. Good idea. In 2005. A bit late.

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Microsoft bounties net rebel hacker

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 10, 2004 at 05:59PM From the these-are-not-the-droids-you-are-looking-for dept. Matthew writes: Stung by a seemingly never ending series of security breaches in its major products, Microsofts new tactic of placing a bounty on the heads of its corporate enemies494 seems to be working. After being sold out by friends hoping to cash in on Microsofts bounty and keep their cloud city spam operation running smoothly, German uberhacker and member of the Open Source Alliance Hans Olo was captured by the German state police (Die Sturmtroopen495) in an undisclosed location and subsequently incarcerated in Carbonite state prison. Bounty hunter Bob Fett has taken custody of the suspected author of the Sasser worm and is transporting him from Germany to Redmond, Wa. Where he will be turned over to Jabba the Ballmer496. (Microsofts new tactic of placing a bounty on the heads of its corporate enemies) www.techweb.com/ wire/story/TWB20040510S0001 (Jabba the Ballmer) seattletimes.nwsource.com/news/business/microsoft/microsoftatmidlife/ ballmer24.html It is called by deVas intothevoid@anywhere.biz on Sunday, May 23 @02:32PM berhacker (but you cant read the rst letter anyway)497. devas

494. Ive been trying to gure out how to turn myself in and collect the reward for weeks now. 495. Is it just me, or are all German words (except frankfurter) inherently scary sounding in English? 496. Requisite picture of Steve Ballmers full moon head. 497. Not only did the rst character render correctly, it stayed correct through the SlashNOT site-scraping book generator, cutting and pasting between a web browser and word processor, and nal rendering by the publisher. Unicode baby. Dig it.

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Rime of the Ancient 5th level Mariner/Thief

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday December 02, 2003 at 01:53AM From the pac-man-carved-in-stone dept. Matthew writes: Dungeon Dorks around the world were amazed to nd that their beloved pastime, Dungeons & Dorks, apparently pre-dates 1974498. Evidence of Ancient Dungeon Dorking (AD&D) has apparently been known to dorkologists for many decades, but, because D&D wasnt rediscovered until 1974, the ancient game had not been correlated with its modern counterpart. Because no Ancient Dork Masters Guide has been found, the precise rules of the game are not known. As these ancient dorks lived in the time that is now modeled by the modern game, its likely that they fantasized about an earlier and more primitive time, which to them would have been when humans lived in caves and fought off yet-to-be domesticated wolves for their food. Rules were likely much simpler, and may have forgone the armor class charts, encumbrance tables, and character sheets to go straight into the night-long game ending argument over exactly which protective spells had been cast prior to the appearance of the wights499. Dorkologists speculate that the symbols on the die in this auction may have indicated exactly which argument the role players were to engage in. (Dungeons & Dorks, apparently pre-dates 1974) www.christies. com/LotFinder/search/LOTDETAIL.ASP?intObjectID=4205385

498. An article pointing to an ancient 20 sided die. 499. Is is just me, or does every game of AD&D end because of an argument?

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RedHat, SuSe offer big discounts on free software

Posted by Michael on Sunday November 16, 2003 at 01:32AM From the whats-next,-rebates? dept. Matthew writes: RedHat and SuSe, the largest and 117th largest Linux distributors, have announced discounts of up to 40% on free software500. A RedHat sales manager explained the offer: In order to attract the Educational and Student markets, were offering a 40% discount on the freely downloadable RedHat 9 distribution. To take advantage of the discount, you must prove that you are a student or an educator by faxing your student ID or educator ID to the number indicated on our education web site. Once youve faxed in your credentials, we will e-mail you a username and password that will allow you to enter our special 40% off FTP server, from which you can download the RedHat cd-rom images for 40% less than our normal offering. Users who are not students or educators must use the traditional free download offering. (discounts of up to 40% on free software) news.com.com/2100-7344_3-5107941.html Redhat; Suse for 40% off by Anonymo lumco@removed.com on Wednesday, November 19 at 10:34AM This is hilarious!!! :) Once youve faxed in your credentials, we will e-mail you a username and password that will allow you to enter our special 40% off FTP server, from which you can download the RedHat cdrom images for 40% less than our normal offering. Users who are not students or educators must use the traditional free download offering.501 Re: Redhat; Suse for 40% off by Joe jmt@removed.com on Wednesday, November 26 at 09:30AM Thanks for pointing that out!. I didnt read the article rst, and after I reading your comment, I was able to pick out the funny parts right away!

500. Yep, thats what they announced. 40% off of software that you can simply choose to pay nothing for if youre worried about money. 501. Im not sure I understand the compulsion to quote the entire article in the comment, but it happens all the time.

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All your computer are belong to us

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 07, 2003 at 11:47PM From the to-serve-humanity dept. Matthew writes: The Department of Homeland Security has announced that the recent Windows RPC vulnerability that affects 90% of the computers attached to the Internet is likely to spawn the largest hacking attack the Internet has ever seen, giving hackers complete control of potentially millions of computers from which they could perpetrated targeted attacks.502 Bill Gates, Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, appeared before congress to explain the vulnerability: Microsoft is actively committed to assisting our world-wide user all your computer are belong to us503 in patching this vulnerability. Mr. Gates then absentmindedly snatched a y from the air with his tongue.504 No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Saturday, August 09 at 08:49AM ought to be some sort of punishment for exposing x billion corporate computers across the net. say 5 for every windows computer penetrated. Thatd get rid of Microshaft! Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, September 04 at 11:41AM Well, we dont want to get rid of Microshaft, we just want them to take responsibility for their shoddy software. I say the Windows using community take legal action and force Microsoft to purchase and distribute viral software for all installations of NT4/2000/XP. Brand would be by choice of the OS operator. Thatd make Symantec and McAfee happy (: Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, September 04 at 01:07PM There ought to be some sort of punishment for being serious on/not too. Say $5 for every visitor who stumbles onto the message (5 if the author lives in the UK).505

502. It did just that. 503. This is a parody of the silly All your base are belong to us meme that oated around the Internet for a while in the early days of the Millennium. The Anglicized version of a Japanese Nintendo game had hostile aliens who declared during the initial pre-play story that All your base are belong to us, along with other less comprehensible utterings. After being thrust into the Internet Zeitgeist by an enthusiastic fan of Engrish, the silly saying spawned a momentary industry in t-shirts, bumper stickers, and web-site defacement worms before collapsing under its own silliness a mere seventeen hours after having been originally posted. Or something like that. 504. Remember in Independence Day how they took down the alien spacecraft with a computer worm? That was cool. Worms are like magic, man. They can be used interchangeably with magic whenever you need to bring an implausible plot to conclusion. Hey, Ive just thought of how nish my futuristic DNA bio-terrorism in a post-apocalyptic world novel! 505. I think this is a great idea, and I put myself in charge of collecting.

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Google News accused of bias

Posted by Matthew on Saturday April 05, 2003 at 04:27PM From the vast-conspiracy=democracy dept. Matthew writes: Rupert Murdoch, chairman of the Fox media companies including Fox News, has accused Google News of biased506 coverage in general and especially with regard to the U.S. led invasion of Iraq. Google News automatically summarizes all the English daily news websites in the world. As you all know, left leaning commie sympathizing peacenik socialists run 90% of the American news outlets. And 100% of the foreign ones. So that means that 95% of the coverage theyre searching is liberal biased. And because their algorithm for determining what goes on the front page is based on how many sites are reporting the story, Google winds up being just as left biased as the media in general. Its pathetic and its got to stop. Google News should be weighting balanced coverage of the sort provided by Fox News by a factor of 100 in order to balance this slant. Google by Brad Thompson on Friday, May 02 @04:53PM YeahI think the guy who writes BANANA CHAN should take over all ofcial news scripting in North Americathat guys hilarious!507 No Subject Given by Kurt Mejer kurtmejer@blueyonder.co.uk on Friday, November 21 @04:24AM I have been very alarmed and angered by media bias and when I discovered it in google as I search for truths it has really disapointed me. Why should there be political correctnes in a seach engine? Is it because of money? Fear? Inclinatio508? This is like Drs who give up their scientic mind to become lackeys of Laboratories. Disgusting! What is liberal about Liberals? Absolutelly Nothing, they impose the

506. Some stories elicit a few funny responses. This one elicited two follow up stories (on the next few pages) and a bunch of hysterical commentary. 507. Sorry about all the white space. I feel bad about whitespace in printed books because trees actually die to create whitespace. I cry for the trees. I really do. I published this book on demand so that no trees would unnecessarily die just so thousands of copies could be deeply discounted on the 95% off table at Frys electronics in a lame attempt to recoup the costs of killing the trees two months after the book comes out and the publisher realizes what a horrible acquisitions mistake they had just made. Ive killed enough trees, especially with the publication of MCSA/MCSE: Implementing and Administering Security in a Windows 2000 Network (Microsoft Corporation with Matthew Strebe, MS Press, 2003). Yes, thats the real title. Yes, Microsoft put their name above mine even though they didnt write a damned word of it. No, they wouldnt consider putting Mike Moncurs name on it even though he wrote three of the chapters, because they didnt contract with him (I did). No, they didnt pay the 25% progress payments during the writing of the book even though theyre the most cash rich corporation in the world. Not that Im bitter. My advice: never, ever work for Microsoft. Youll regret it. My editor on the MS-Press project actually told me that the hardest part about working as an employee for Microsoft was that since everyone at Microsoft was exceptional, being exceptional was just normal, and she hadnt adjusted to just being normal. I didnt have the heart to tell her that she was far from exceptional, which at Microsoft would have made her retarded. 508. I initially corrected this guys misspellings until I got to this word and decided that I really couldnt tell what he was after. Then I realized that the misspellings sort of added to his case in a bizarre way. Inclinatio sure sounds like fun!

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desires of the minorities on everyone, seems more like a dictatorship to me.509 Al Gore, does he have something to do with Google? Is that where the liberal search engine is coming from? Truth is truth, and lies are lies, yet the liberals I have observed have a strong tendency of trying to convert lies into truth. Truly the end times are here! Not so! say the liberals we shall have the new world order510! Shall that be the epitomy of all dictatorsips511? Total control over people? Who512 cease to be humans to become as termites or even worse as programs? Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Wednesday, December 31 @01:14AM 1) Read the Parody or Satire? line at the top of the page. 2) Try to stay up to date on your medication. (same) by Peter on Thursday, March 11 @11:25PM Matthew, you are quite right-obviously a satire, with a denite message. Kurt Mejer, try researching where Google News comes from, and how it is composed. Its not Google News at all, merely, a compilation of randomly selected articles from over 4500 sources. Now go ahead and convince me its biased. A bit tough, eh? Any more questions, take a look at http://news.google.com/intl/en_us/ about_google_news.html That should explain any doubts. Interesting youre from the U.K.513 You sure must be in a majority there!

509. Thomas Jefferson called democracy The Tyranny of the Majority. How sad to actually have a reasonable argument, but lack the reasoning to make it. 510. Sorry, but it was George H. W. Bush (aka Sr.), a conservative Republican, who coined the term New World Order. But he was talking about a different New World order than you are, and (hopefully) different than the New Order that Adolph Hitler was talking about. 511. I have to admit that Im lost at this point. But still trying. 512. I think you mean Whosoever 513. Stereotypes. Not all people from the United Kingdom are liberal. In fact, every brit Ive ever met is rather conservative. But then, all the Brits Ive met live in America, which may be the result of being conservative in the UK.

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Cellphones hobbled by tradeoffs

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday March 31, 2004 at 05:48PM From the everything-now dept. Matthew writes: A recent market review of existing cell phones has revealed that every cell phone model is hobbled by one or more engineering tradeoffs514. The effect of these tradeoffs are variedsome lack color screens or cameras, others have poor battery performance, and still others have poor reception or lack multiple band compatibility. For example, the Motorola V60 series is renowned for its long battery life, but it provides only such pedestrian features as making and receiving phone calls. The Kyocera Smartphone, on the other hand, has a camera and a Palm PDA built in, but is hobbled by its large size and poor battery life. Its disappointing to see manufacturers releasing phones that they know are hobbled by tradeoffs. Its as if they deliberately dont want to make the perfect cell phone, Says industry outsider Eric Harris. Im no engineer, but it doesnt take much talent to gure out what people want: A phone that easily ts in your pocket and includes voice recognition and speech synthesis for texting, a 2.0 megapixel or better camera, broadband speed, Bluetooth, a PDA, and a week or so of talk time between charges. If I was the CEO of Motorola or Nokia, wed be kicking ass.515

514. <rant>I wrote this after trying to explain to a casual acquaintance that there was no conspiracy amongst manufacturers to keep battery life in cell phones down to less than one day because that would for some reason allow cell phone providers to keep tabs on where the cell phone was being used. In the bizarre world of this individual, plugging the cell phone into a charger would somehow let the authorities know where it was. I tried to explain that (a) you cant determine the location of something just because its plugged into the power grid, and (b) You can already determine the location of cell phones by triangulation, just as you can with any radio transmitter, so there would be no point in requiring a nightly charge for that reason anyway. But you cant explain anything to people who dont understand market capitalism, physics, geometry, chemistry, statistics, or psychology. You would think that people who know that they dont know a damned thing would learn to trust people who do, but theyre apparently happy to just make up stupid theories based on their fuzzy implausible ideas of conspiracy. Belief in vast conspiracies is simply the brains coping mechanism when it cant gure out whats going on.</rant> 515. <rant>A related phenomenon is that of the novice consumers persistent belief that theyd make a great inventor because they would combine the features of a bunch of existing things into one better, smaller faster, cheaper thing. News ash: major manufacturers are on to that idea, and working it as fast as they can. If it could be done, and there was a market for it, a company with the capability to do it already would be doing it. Steve Jobs is the only idiot in history who has been able to make a job out of only knowing what people want.</rant>

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Winner declared in DARPA Grand Challenge Robot Race

Posted by Matthew on Saturday March 13, 2004 at 09:44PM From the 600-dollar-hammer dept. Matthew writes: We have a winner! announced DARPA ofcials. For the rst time in a military project, the tax payers have not borne the cost for a failed weapons system development program. Rather, weve ofoaded those massive losses onto civilian contestant whose ability to project costs and deliver projects appears to be about equal to major defense contractors. Except this time, we didnt have to pay for it. We got a lot of research and development failures for free, and the American tax payer won big time. Flush with the nancial success of the failed DARPA grand challenge, the U.S. Government is announcing changes to many of its procurement programs. First out of the gate is a million dollar prize for the rst civilian team that develops a completely robotic heavy bomber capable of delivering 100,000 pounds of ordinance to a specic GPS coordinate and returning to and landing on an aircraft carrier without human assistance. DARPA is also considering a program to reward the rst religious cult to develop a cloned super-soldier, but has not yet completed the specications for that challenge. (the cost for a failed weapons system development program) www.stltoday. com/stltoday/business/stories.nsf/0/3B51B7A7B6534B0786256E48003BDACF? OpenDocument&Headline=Army+is+negotiating+termination+deal+of+Comanche Great Article by ShhhTheSquirrel thesecret@squirrel.com on Friday, March 19 @05:08PM Great Article! I have been working on a robot that can y a bomber to a GPS selected spot hit a can of baked beans and y back and land on an aircraft carrier. Only two problems 1) Havent been able to t robot into plane (shoulda thought of that!) 2) Have not seen any fundamentalist baked bean cans around! oh well, Im gunna scrap that idea! Rating system still Going strong516! Rate a SlashNOT Story Story: Winner declared in DARPA Grand Challenge Robot Race Previous rating: 3.3 after 12 total votes. Your rating: 5 New average rating: 3 Im SlashNOT voting for George Dubbleya B.!

516. The rating system at SlashNOT is quite inscrutable, but remarkably accurate. It has a bit of a display rounding error that can make the ratings look like they are off. It's just one of many zany and lovable bugs in the SlashNOT code base. The rating system is entirely responsible for the quality of content on SlashNOT, however. Without ratings, I'd still think that every thing I write is hysterical, and the site would be littered with stupid stories about robotic bras and people who think that their D&D characters are real. Oh wait, the site is littered with stupid stories like that. But at least they dont rate particularly well.

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Babe-a-trois
Posted by Matthew on Sunday September 11, 2005 at 07:12PM From the you-and-me-and-her-simultaneous dept. daan writes: Yesterday the rst baby with three parents was born in the Newcastle University Hospital517 to parents Simon Sayes, Robin Byron, and Michelle Gaye, according to British scientists who followed the story since its conception. Baby Tryst, at a healthy 3400 grams, appeared normal in all respects in cursory physicals, according to government doctors, but reporters interviewing hospital staff found them unsettled by mysterious centipede-like birthmarks scattered over the babys body and cylindrical nodules protruding from either side of her neck. There has been intense public speculation into the relationship between the three parents. Reporters for The Guardian managed to corner Mr. Sayes in a loo for a short exchange, the only one so far granted the press. On the delicate matter of activities leading up to conception, Mr. Sayes responded that it was a private matter. When pressed he mercurially replied that much of it proceeded much as it would with anyone else but that Ms. Gayes contribution was necessarily preceded by an intensive acrobatics education. (the rst baby with three parents) news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1508&ncid=1508&e=2&u=/ afp/20050908/hl_afp/britainscienceembryo_050908211032 (relationship between the three parents) www.roffesoft.co.uk/cgi-bin/ joke2show.cgi?id=djw00000394&type=lks&ws=1&tpage=www.thejokefactory.org/jokender_v2

517. Get ready. Genetics is going to make the world a whole lot stranger than we really know how to deal with. It wont be long until youll be able to get a Jack, Russel, and Terrier mix.

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ICANN approves new .xxx top-level domain

Posted by Matthew on Friday June 03, 2005 at 06:04PM From the better-late-than-never dept. Matthew writes: ICANN today approved the new .xxx domain specically designated for Internet Porn.518 With this move, were creating a partition on the Internet for purveyors of adult content who agree to abide by a voluntarily enforced code.519 The code specically states that models actually appear to be as claimedi.e., hot, young, voluptuous, or whatever520; that browsers wont be hijacked by numerous popup windows or taken to unexpected places; that the money shots wont be blurred out in sample images, and that users wont get trapped in link circles going from page to page.521 With a TLD dedicated to porn, it will be trivial to make browser plugins that prevent your cache and history from getting stained up with content within the .xxx namespace without having to use tell-tale cache and history clearing. We felt that the quality of online porn sites was too variable within the .com namespace, so weve decided to do something about it. The new .xxx TLD is all about quality. Oh yeah, and its easy to block content.522 No Subject Given by Me on Saturday, June 04 at 12:09AM I do not believe this is suitable for this site! I think you should be more aware of the slurs you write so casually! Oh oops! wrong article hang on Ill go back to the previous article andwell I would have completed my statement but I have already pressed the Back button! :) Re: How? by Mailman on Saturday, June 04 at 07:07AM What? What?523 .XXX TLD | HENDELES | ICM | DOMAINS by jack mardack jack@removed.com on Thursday, September 15 at 09:33PM Thanks for the informative post, I am trying to gather as many informed opinions as I can on the DOTxXx issue at DOTxXxBLOG Id be very grateful to have yours. Thanks very much, Jack Mardack524

518. This still hasnt happened. 519. I think voluntary policing is a good idea. 520. I think this sort of voluntary policing is an especially good idea. 521. Im just guessing that these things happen, having never actually browsed for porn myself. 522. Not that blocking any TLD would actually solve the problem. 523. What? 524. Again, someone is confused about the satire.

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Memory Loss Reversed in Lab Test on Mice

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 15, 2005 at 11:46PM From the forget-me-not dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have announced that they have been able to stop and reverse progressive memory loss525 in IOGear USB Memory Mice 800s. The IOGear mice, which feature a scroll-wheel mouse with a zip-linq retractable cord and up to 256MB of ash memory, were specially designed to have progressive memory loss. By using specially designed software to double and triple overwrite data to the same memory locations; memory areas that failed on typical single write operations eventually did store the correct information. Scientists have cautioned that results in lab mice do not always translate to USB Humans. (Scientists have announced that they have been able to stop and reverse progressive memory loss) www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,162661,00.html (IOGear Mice) www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1759,1815581,00.asp No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Thursday, July 28 at 06:42PM In unrelated news, Matthew has lost the password to his web site, SlashNOT. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, August 06 at 09:00AM Naw, just my usual unannounced summer vacation from typing. Maybe it just sucks? by Anonymous Poster on Friday, July 29 at 05:58AM Sure, but can I use such a mice with Linux?? Re: Maybe it just sucks? by Me on Friday, July 29 at 07:12AM No. The ASPCA considers that to be inhumane. They point to what happens to human users of the product. Loss of social skills, lack of hygiene and the inability to reproduce. Many have pointed out these defects existed BEFORE their use of Linux, but the ASPCA doesnt want to take any chances.

525. An article about mice that were genetically engineered to loose their memory, so scientists could stop it. Articles like this make me realize why God created man, and why bad things happen to good mice.

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SlashNotes: Report from Comdex 2003

Posted by Matthew on Thursday November 20, 2003 at 09:23AM From the Ranger-than-Fiction dept. Matthew writes: Excerpts from SlashNOT author Michaels recent historic trip to Comdex in Las Vegas. Im stepping out of my Jetta now. Thats one small step for me, one giant step for a cricket. Okay, Im looking out over the landscape now. Its barren, rocky. Not much to talk about. Im entering the Las Vegas Convention Center. Okay, Im now amongst some interesting formations that consist of some channellike areas between what Im going to describe as booths. The whole place seems dead. Its devoid of any sort of advanced technology, or anything particularly interesting526. Ive been taking samples of some of the booth formations, consisting of small yo-yo like objects and T-shirts. Hopefully, the samples will turn up something interesting. My life-support Coke is running low now, so Im going to head back and replenish before I run out. (Its devoid of any sort of advanced technology, or anything particularly interesting) reviewszdnet.com.com/AnchorDesk/4520-7296_16-5108079.html David Coursey by Java jcj7161@removed.com on Friday, November 21 at 05:01AM Great and funny article (samples yo-yos), but linking to this major Microsoft butt kisser is not the slashdot tradition. Re: Dot by Tyson on Friday, November 21 at 10:35AM Who said anything about a .? The site is clearly marked/!. The primary tradition here would appear to be making fun of/. stories, so linking to Microsoft-friendly sites is fair game. Re: David Coursey by Michael http://www.gby.com/on Saturday, November 22 at 02:23AM Darn. Thats our second Failure to Uphold the Slashdot Tradition this week. Well have to change the name of the site to SlashNOT or something.

526. An article about how sucky comdex has become.

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Scientists discovers mammal hibernation

Posted by Matthew on Thursday April 21, 2005 @ 11:33PM From the science-faction dept. matthew writes: Dr. Mark Roth has discovered that adding 80 parts per million Hydrogen sulde to normal air will cause mice, and perhaps any mammal, to enter a hibernation state. Think of the potential uses for this527. This would revolutionize ground based long distance travel by bus or Train. Imagine no longer being the only scientist at the convention who is haggard from six days on a Greyhound Bus528, when all the other scientists are fresh from risking their lives on an airplane. With this new hibernation technology, those forced to travel by Amtrak529 and Greyhound will be just as freshfaced and jaunty as their airborne counterparts. Youd be freed from having to wear noise canceling headphones, a light mask, and an ionic air purier around your neck. In fact, one could simply UPS (Ground, of course) oneself to the destination, thus freeing oneself from even having to wake up to change busses in Ogden, UT. Just imagine it. (adding 80 parts per million Hydrogen sulde to normal air will cause mice, and perhaps any mammal, to enter a hibernation state) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A8002-2005Apr21.html SlashNOT just cant stay my primary news sour by zaxios on Thursday, May 05 at 05:35AM Is it just me, or is it true that sometimes on SlashNOT, there is a lot of news (as was the case on April 21), but later (as was the case on April 22 and since), there really isnt so much news? Its this sort of stammering reporting that has unfortunately spurred me back to Slashdot, whose numbing constancy I can depend upon. This is indeed unfortunate for I believe your bulletin upholds greater standards. Sincerely, zaxios Re: SlashNOT just cant stay my primary news by matthew on Sunday, May 08 at 12:30PM Its not just you. One of the unfortunate side effects of fake news is that someone actually has to make up the stories, which can take time.

527. This really would be awesome if it works. You could hibernate your kids during long trips, or, frankly, for any other reason. Our entire travel industry could be re-built around hibernation and the concept of simply shipping people in cofn-like boxes (which would have the advantage of saving a few processing steps for people who dont make the trip). Critical care medicine would be revolutionizedinstead of calling 911, youd simply get in your HiberSpace box and call for pickup. The future has nally arrived. 528. Ever taken a Greyhound Bus? I was born to poor parents who decided to become even poorer by getting divorced. They used to ship my sister and I back and forth via Greyhound Bus for summer with Dad. I would have preferred UPS, even without hibernation. 529. Amtrak is actually quite superior to Greyhound. Which is like saying that something is quite a bit tastier than mud.

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SlashNotes: SlashNOT Anchorman steps down

Posted by Matthew on Sunday December 05, 2004 at 12:52AM From the serious-parody dept. Matthew writes: Famed SlashNOT Anchorman Matthew has stepped down today amid allegations that his recently posted story about the rst use of Articial Stupidity on the SteinhausDirect.com website may not have been entirely factual530. Matthew released the following through a spokesperson: We obtained the chat scripts in question and passed them by the most rigorous Instant Message experts in the industry. Out of four experts, one, nastichick4930 (AOL IM) indicated that this is like, totally stupid, whereas experts from MSN Messenger, ICQ, and Jabber equivocated, indicating that they may or may not represent articial stupidity. Since the needle tipped in favor of AS, SlashNOT published the story, stating: It wasnt something clear cut like a memo from 1973 formatted in a font that wasnt invented until the late 80s or anything like that. Obviously, if we had known that it wasnt that funny, we never would have gone with it. We just wouldnt have run it. I acknowledge that it has been a signicant credibility hit for a satire site and has damaged our reputation for unbiased analytical parody. For that, I step down. With that statement, Matthew stepped from the porch of his back door down to the sidewalk, turned around, and went back to work. No Subject Given by Matthew on Sunday, December 05 at 12:58AM Sorry about the delay in postingI seriously injured my left bird-ipping nger in a potato slicing incident and was left horribly unable to type until just recently. I felt like Stephen King in a nger puppet version of Misery, except that instead of Kathy Bates, it was a potato. Re: Dang by Dan Rather on Sunday, December 05 at 07:00PM And I was just nishing preparations for the next demonstration. This time it was going to be octogenarians in the nude. That would have brought you to your knees! *Desperately trying to get rid of images of Matthew on his knees and old nude women* Re: No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Monday, December 06 at 08:34PM Wuss. Ive typed with one hand for years. And it aint because the other one is injured! Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Tuesday, December 07 at 03:28PM *Desperately trying to get rid of images of Anonymous Poster using one hand to type and the other to, um, do something else.* Allegations by McMurtrey dmcmurtrey@removed.net on Monday, December 06 at 05:18AM I am disappointed to learn that Gina might be nothing more than an articially stupid torrent of ones and zeros. I think she has been moonlighting on one of my favorite member enlargement service sites. I believed we were developing a relationship. I am glad someone had the courage to break the story.

530. People were upset about an article I posted claiming that a customer support chatbot represented Articial Stupidity. Just another example of them not getting the satire, but I decided to spoof all the major network anchorman stepping down that was going on at the time.

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transcripts by Abdul abdul_bencamel@removed.com on Tuesday, December 07 at 08:01PM The proof here is clearly in the actual relating of the facts, and not in the multiple accusations of what might be, or what may have been miscontrued as a signicant slip in credibility. Given the honesty of the facts submitted, America has once again overlooked the truth, in favor of *shopping* the injustice of relative exploitiveness. worst article by deVas on Wednesday, December 08 at 11:39AM This is the most unhumerous, incredible stupid and childishst article I ever read on this siteHowever actually I appreciated the AS article. ;-) deVas P.S.: Yes, Iam just a chat bot, but Re: worst article by Matthew on Friday, December 10 at 10:22PM Sorry dude. Im only accepting criticism from people who can spell and grammar.

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SCO sues self over OpenLinux

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 26, 2003 at 06:26PM From the Dog-and-tail dept. Matthew writes: SCO corporation, formerly Caldera, has led suit531 against itself in Orem, UT today seeking an injunction against further sales or distribution of its OpenLinux distribution of the Linux open source operating system. The suit also names everyone else as co-defenders. SCO intends to aggressively pursue its intellectual property rights in the UNIX space, which it acquired when it bought the assets of the Santa Cruz Operation. Pursuant to that persuit, we have determined that SCO is one of the biggest perpetrators of the illegal distribution of UNIX trade secrets and unlicensed patents in the guise of the Linux operating system, and we intend to force ourselves to license these rights legitimately. We will not stand for the further distribution this software that dilutes our rights. Upon being served notice, SCO immediately stopped shipping OpenLinux until the legal issues are resolved. (SCO corporation) www.sco.com/ (Caldera) www.caldera.com (everyone else) www.internetwk.com/breakingNews/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=9901350 (stopped shipping OpenLinux) www.idg.net.nz/pressroom.nsf/UNID/ 6178A14C5AE51B24CC256D260079AD8A!opendocument Posting by Captain Igor on Tuesday, June 03 at 10:34PM How come no one posts to SlashNOT? Re: Posting by Matthew on Tuesday, June 10 at 06:39PM My guess would be that nobody reads it?

531. What a giant asco the SCO lawsuit has turned out to be. After suing everyone and their dog, SCO still hasnt been able to nd any actual evidence that IBM ported code from UNIX into Linux. If this was a tactic to force IBM to buy them, it has failed miserably. If it was a scheme to articially inate SCOs stock price so the management team could sell out at a prot, then, well, it worked.

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China blocks SlashNOT

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 27, 2002 at 12:57PM From the freedom-of-repression dept. Matthew writes: China has been blocking access to SlashNOT for the past three weeks, according to various SlashNOT subscribers in that country. SlashNOT efforts to determine why were slow in coming, but this ofcial response comes from Liu Xu Zhan, of the Peoples Ministry for Hygiene and Information Security532: The PMHIS has blocked SlashNOT for the past 23 days. PMHIS will consider removing the block when the material posted on SlashNOT conforms to the ministrys guidelines concerning humorous Internet content. The specic article in violation is Title 7, Article 15, Section 4: Content providers for print media, radio, television, and Internet purporting to be humorous should actually be funny.533 It is the mission of the PMHIS to protect the People of China from content that breeds moral degradation, contributes to boredom, or fosters malcontentedness, and to sanitize public telephones and Internet kiosks.

532. Mexico also has a ministry of information and hygene. 533. See? Censorship isnt always bad.

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Rockstar releases Grand Theft Videogame

Posted by Matthew on Sunday October 24, 2004 at 11:00PM From the Karma dept. Matthew writes: Rockstar entertainment, makers of the highly successful Grand Theft Auto franchise, have released another in their series of violence drenched law aunting video games called Grand Theft Videogame534. In GTV, the player plays a hacker whose goal is to break into a ctitious game development company, steal a pre-release video game, and release it on the Internet. Interspersed with scenic story elements and featuring the same mobsters and prostitutes side story, GTV features two interactive modes: One where the character travels on foot in 1st person POV, and another where the player operates various computer devices in the quest to hack. (Grand Theft Videogame) www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,118302,00.asp

534. A story detailing how hackers broke into Rockstars servers and stole a pre-release version of the game.

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Microsoft to have DRM epiphany in three months

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 05, 2002 at 11:26AM From the smoke-and-mirrors dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft executives have announced that they are about three months away from realizing that they can market Digital Rights Management technology as a security tool for consumers. Currently, DRM has not gained acceptance because consumers have no reason to accept the ability to keep them from copying data.535 Publishers have failed to provide any reason why consumers should pay extra for DRM technology and hardware when it doesnt benet the consumer. In three months or so, some of our technology people are going to be brainstorming over subway at lunch about DRMyou know, the old how we can convince people that DRM is good for them problem, when one of our guys is going to have a major Epiphany. We expect it to go something like this:wait a second! We can use DRM to protect secret documents from being opened by unintended recipients and copied off of servers! Imagine permissions that travel with the document536, as an e-mail attachment, or on CD-ROM or tape backup! We can rebuild the permissions architecture of Longhorn [The next version of Windows]537 around DRM! This is how we can get people to accept Palladium538! Man, well be able to integrate DRM document protection into ofce, and that will get corporations buying Palladium in a big way. Wait a second, the open source guys cant do DRM, so this is a way to add value that that damned Linux cant match! Nice! Microsoft plans to kick off a huge DRM as private security initiative within days of the realization, as soon as idea gains traction and goes viral within the company. (Digital Rights Management) www.microsoft.com/technet/treeview/default.asp?url=/technet/security/ news/PallFAQ2.asp (DRM has not gained acceptance) www.microsoft.com/presspass/features/2002/jul02/0701palladium.asp () www.silicongoldberg.com/biz/sg-biz-07-15-02.htm (keep them from copying) www.infoworld.com/articles/op/xml/02/08/05/020805opgripe.xml (Publishers) www.sealedmedia.com/news_and_events/Press_Releases/fundingOct01.shtml (it doesnt benet the consumer) news.com.com/2009-1001-964628.html?tag=fd_lede1_hed

535. Publishers are apparently mystied that people dont want to pay extra for hardware to prevent them from exercising their fair use rights. 536. This is actually a really good idea, but its difcult to implement. 537. Now known as Windows Vista. 538. Now known as the Next Generation Secure Computing Platform.

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Army creating Army of Toys

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 08, 2004 at 10:40AM From the how-many-times-do-robots-have-to-take-over-before-we-learn dept. Matthew writes: The U.S. Army has just awarded a contract to develop a robot with the form factor of a canine that can follow soldiers into battle and carry their equipment. This development, along with a serpentine robot designed to assist with mechanical repairs, a lobster-like robot designed to search for mines, and an insect-like robot designed for remote surveillance, supports the Armys philosophy of developing friendly seeming helper robots that lack the physical attributes necessary to enslave humanity539. Ben Krupp, president of Yobotics, explains: Yes, we could just develop a robotic soldier instead of an array of simulated animals. But weve gone through the simulations a number of times here and at DARPA, and the end-game scenarios when using fully articulated multipurpose robots arewell, lets just say that they are not good for humans. The canine form factor is perfect for us, because as soon as the robot attempts to use a limb to pick up a weapon, it falls over.540 (U.S. Army has just awarded a contract to develop a robot with the form factor of a canine) www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,61808,00.html?tw=wn_tophead_3 (serpentine robot) voronoi.sbp.ri.cmu.edu/serpentine/mekano/image/thum1.html (lobster-like robot) www.neurotechnology.neu.edu/ (insect-like robot) www.darpa.mil/tto/programs/mavact.html (we could just develop a robotic soldier) ratliff7.tripod.com/why.htm (end-game scenarios) www.terminator3.com/

539. See, no matter how powerful PCs connected to the Internet become, they cant actually take over the world because they are stuck inside little boxes. Theyd be limited to taking over a small part of Texas. (http://www.engadget.com/entry/4720616738437149/) 540. You just have to leave the teeth and claws off.

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SlashNOTes: The very ber of our Being

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday April 21, 2004 at 04:22PM From the resistance-is-futile dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT would like to begin posting daily updatesyou want more humor, we want more revenue541. Its win/win. Unfortunately, Matthew (our primary writer) has only been pumping out two contributions per week despite switching to a high ber breakfast cereal542. The solution is for you to submit! When you have a funny impulse that is related to technology, pull up SlashNOT immediately and post your impulse using the add story link. While we certainly appreciate polished, well written, and funny stories, Your submission does not need to be polished or well writtenfunny is all we need. Our cadre543 of amazingly formulaic humor writers will be happy to steal your idea and write their own take on it. Most people (not you, of courseeveryone else) are crappy writers anyway, so dont feel like you have to write a bunch of stuff that we may cut. Posts may be as simple as I just noticed that Microsoft is being sued over the FAT le system, and that reminded me that McDonalds is being sued over fatty foods. Youll get all the credit (but none of the advertising revenue), and well do all the heavy lifting. Slashnotes are one of only two categories of submissions that arent ctitious on SlashNOT544 (the other being articles in the Humor category, which are ludicrous but true stories leaned from the press). Slashnotes is an irregular feature wherein the maintainers of this site speak directly to the readers. So, whenever you read a slashnote, imagine the voice of [substitute the name of your deity] booming (or being still and small, as dictated by your conscience and your understanding of higher power) in your head. Unless youre an atheist, is which case you may substitute it with either the voice of Spock, Dr. Carl Sagan, or Dr. Ruth Westheimer, as your intellect dictates545. high ber breakfast by Brave anonymous dontremember@mindless.com on Tuesday, April 27 @07:56AM Switching to a high ber breakfast cereal does not give more updates, it only gives more shit.546 Humor by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, April 27 at 11:11AM If i had a sense of humor i could make my own parody site547. Re: Humor by Matthew on Friday, May 07 at 08:51PM Yeah, me too.

541. My semi-annual pleas for submissions are never very successful. I feel like PBS begging for donations. Perhaps I should stage some sort of webathon or something. 542. Funny story: I once went a month without posting to see how it affected trafc and revenue. Trafc was down 25%, revenue was up 100%. Oh wait, that's not funny. 543. I'm a one-man cadre, hombre. 544. Um, whoops. A lot of Slashnotes stories are ctional. 545. I hear Spock. 546. Oh look, idiot gets the reference. 547. No you couldn't. Writing websites require knowledge of the Shift and Caps Lock keys.

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No Subject Given by bobby b on Thursday, April 29 at 10:41PM Anyone notice the google ads picked for this story? Constipation? Never Again Dont just treat the symptom, eliminate the cause of constipation Free Diverticulitis Info Multitudes are testifying to 100% recoveries from Digestive Diseases! Constipation is Toxic The most common sign of a toxic colon is chronic constipation. Help for Diverticulitis Stop the cause of Diverticulitis. Begin healing with Aloe M.P. Plus. I think of tech jokes once in a while, but i usually forget them soon after. Some day ill get a story submitted. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, May 03 at 04:13PM The Google ads are frequently funnier than the stories. Not quite as funny as the pictures Google News attaches to stories, like todays Scientists grow new teeth with stem cells next to a picture of John Kerry grinning for the camera.

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Reader trapped in abusive relationship

Posted by Matthew on Saturday December 13, 2003 at 08:22PM From the it-could-happen-to-you dept. Matthew writes: Dear SlashNOT: Im writing to you because I dont know who else to turn to. Im trapped in an abusive relationship. When I rst met Bluetooth548, I was very skeptical and ignored the marketing claims. But I knew other people thought Bluetooth was cool, so I gured that there must be something Im not seeing. I decided to give it a whirl. First I bought a Bluetooth wireless headset for my cell phone. The idea of a low-power wireless headset made me giddy with excitement. At rst, it was wonderful. But then it started screeching at me if I went even a few feet away from it. Then, the battery started giving out, and I felt like I was chained to charging it every 90 minutes. I kept having to pair the headset with the transceiverit would somehow forget about its relationships. Anyway, I made excuses, like Well, the audio quality isnt great, but Bluetooth should work ne for something like a wireless mouse. So I had a Bluetooth transceiver installed in my laptop and I picked up a Microsoft Bluetooth mouse. I was excited about having a mouse that didnt require a cord or a USB dongle hanging of my laptopwho wouldnt be? But the honeymoon didnt last long, and this turned out to be an even more painful experience. After I nally got the security setting set up on my laptop to get it to pair with my mouse, the tracking quality was just terrible. The cursor would pause before moving and then continue after the mouse stopped! This made it basically impossible to reliably point to anything. I was so ashamed that I stopped hanging out online with my friends. I didnt want anyone to see what I was dealing with at home. I even bought a Mac to try to make things work. Granted, that did end a lot of the annoying behaviors, but the core problems are still there. At this point, Im so heavily invested in Bluetooth devices that I just dont know if I have the courage to leave it. I dont know if I trust myself to even choose a simple, decent wireless protocol that maybe has less features but would be reliable and wouldnt forget about its relationships. Is there anything I can do to make my device pairings work reliably, or should I give up and move on to other wireless protocols? JT in San Diego

548. I keep trying, and Bluetooth keeps only being useful for wireless mice. I just bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones, but they suck because my Apple laptop cant speak the required prole to send the audio so I have to use the dongle, and the audio quality is terrible because theres not enough bandwidth for two channels of 16-bit stereo at 22kbps. I just keep trying, even though I know that Bluetooth is just going to keep hurting me. But thats because I love too much.

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Al Qaeda Claim Responsibility for Solar Flares

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 24, 2003 at 10:29PM From the for-the-occasional-are-up dept. Moondog writes: In a lengthy message posted on a Web site, al Qaeda leaders claimed responsibility for a recent spate of gigantic solar storms. Weve elevated the Threat Level to red, said Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security. Solar ares have been known to take out power grids and disrupt cell phone and satellite communication. We are advising all Americans to review procedures for communicating with friends and loved ones without the use of cell phones, email or instant messaging. The important thing is, everyone should stay calm. Meanwhile, Americans ponder what they would do if critical path technology failed. I dont know how I would pick out a DVD at the video store or do our grocery shopping without being able to call my wife from the store on my cell phone. said one man. This could be the end of civilization as we know it. The American people can rest assured that our scientists are working around the clock to contain this threat, said Ridge. The rst thing we have to gure out though, is how this group of people who live in tents and caves gured out how to attack us with our own sun549. That and how it is there can be solar ares at night. (Web site) www.cityfarmer.org/wormcomp61.html (solar storms) story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&e=1&u=/nm/20031121/sc_nm/ environment_solarstorms_dc (red) www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/03/20020312-5.html (Homeland Security) www.whitehouse.gov/homeland/ (procedures for communicating) www.800padutch.com/amish.shtml (cell phones) www.cellular-news.com/story/10149.shtml (email) www.snopes.com/computer/internet/tripplehorn.asp (instant messaging) idsnews.com/story.php?id=11698 (critical path technology failed) www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/4400/gort/ (end of civilization as we know it) www.mcskins.com/music/r/end.html Al Qaeda Claim Responsibility for Solar Flares by Pam on Sunday, July 11 at 12:57PM Reading this story posted in Nov 2003 about supposedly AQ claiming responsibility for massive solar ares. You listed two links which take me no where to read references. One a Yahoo, no longer on les at web site or search and then to a farm page-again nothing there to reference where this story came from. Can you help with tracking this info? Thanks.

549. It would be a cool thing to gure out. I mean, if you were a terrorist.

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SD Mac Users Group errupts into brawl over pronunciation of OS X

Posted by Matthew on Sunday September 08, 2002 at 12:47PM From the night-of-the-living-mac dept. Matthew writes: This months meeting of the San Diego Macintosh Users Group (SMUG) errupted into a brawl that owed out into the San Diego University campus and eventually involved hundreds of students and Mac users. Eye witness Alex Ferguson (SMUG member) states: It all started when (guest presenter) Dave Boskey said oh ess ecks during his presentation on the big screen. (long-time member) Phil Lamont corrected him, saying oh ess ten550. Well, Dave retorted that he knew how to pronounce it, thank you very much. Dave then accused him of being a switcher (a former PC user), and thats when things got nasty. Phil jumped off the stage and tripped over the projector, which enraged (SMUG board member) Mac McAvenia, and then all hell broke loose. San Diego Police intervened with the Citys elite Riot Suppression Violence Protection (RSVP551) unit, which used re hoses and tear gas to defuse the situation. San Diego city Mayor Dick Murphy552 then addressed the crowd via megaphone and used a cell phone call to Steve Jobs to conrm the proper pronunciation. (San Diego Macintosh Users Group (SDMUG)) www.sdmug.org/ (Mac McAvenia) www.sdmug.org/about/boardmembers.asp (Mac McAvenia) www.sdmug.org/about/boardmembers.asp (Riot Suppression Violence Protection (RSVP)) www.cyber-ace.com/nw/RSVP.html (Mayor Dick Murphy) genesis.sannet.gov/infospc/templates/mayor/about.jsp (Steve Jobs) www.business2.com/articles/web/0,1653,40395,FF.html

550. I still dont know what its supposed to be. I call it Mac OS Ten because I was there for OSes 1 through 9. 551. San Diego has Retired Senior Volunteer Patrols, which is exactly what it sounds like it is. 552. Has since been recalled.

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ForwardSlash: Intel cancels Itanium line

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 24, 2003 at 08:01PM From the Dead-on-arrival dept. Matthew posts from May 2005553: Intel announced the cancellation of the unsuccessful Itanium line of microprocessors. Production has already been halted for over a month. Development of the 64-bit processor that was to have succeeded the x86 line of microprocessors that includes the venerable Pentium 4 as well as the new 5entium554 (Sentium) line of x86 compatible processors was delayed for years. When the Itanium debuted, it ran at 25% the speed of the existing Pentium 4, and was never able to catch up. The nal processors produced run at 2.5Ghz, half the speed of the 5entium line of 64-bit extended x86 processors. The nail in the cofn of the Itanium was the competing 64-bit processor from AMD. Release in Q1 2004, the Hammer555 debuted at 3GHz and quickly ramped up from there. The darling of Linux users everywhere, the Hammer was responsible for making Linux/AMD enterprise code run nearly twice as fast as comparable Microsoft/Intel applications. When Microsoft released Windows 2003 Server for the AMD Hammer in Q1 of 2005, existing shipments of Intel processors dropped dramatically, causing the immediate defection of manufacturers such as HP556 and Dell557. >ForwardSlash is an occasional feature that reposts interesting articles from our founding in 2002 through our acquisition by SonyTimeWarner in 2014. Links are generally removed because they are no longer or not yet available. More timeline spoilers by Tyson on Tuesday, February 25 at 10:23AM Doesnt this mean Intel, after reading/!, will cancel the project early? Re: More timeline spoilers by Matthew on Wednesday, February 26 at 09:57AM Just as we dont worry about the scientic accuracy of our polls, so too are we not concerned with the consequences of our manipulations of space-time. Re: More timeline spoilers by Michael on Friday, February 28 at 03:27AM And wed probably just end up creating an alternate universe where Itanium gets cancelled sooner. Sounds like a boon to that universe anyway.

553. Didnt happen. It will by 2007, Im sure. 554. Cool name eh? Cant have it. Oddly, Intel slipped 64-bit extensions into the Pentium 4 without renaming it, which I nd to be highly disturbing. Its because theyre embarrassed about the Itanic. 555. I had to make up names because this was written three years ago. Opteron is what they wound up naming it, and it is the nail in the Itanium cofn. 556. Has defected. 557. Hasnt yet defected.

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Microsoft Reboots California Air Trafc

Posted by Michael on Friday September 17, 2004 at 03:32PM From the be-very-afraid dept. Michael writes: Failing to follow the lead of the South Korean Subway System558, the FAA did not reboot their system on Tuesday, causing a 3-hour shutdown of Southern California airports and a three-hour radio breakdown that left aircraft without guidance. Apparently the Microsoft-based software had to be rebooted every 30 days559, similar to Windows systems, to avoid data overload, and a technician failed to do so. Similar events have occurred in the past in United Kingdom and Prague. SlashNOT advises that you exercise extreme caution in any ights to or from California until a system upgrade is complete. [Stories in the True Stories department are true. Sometimes satire writes itself.] (South Korean Subway System) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=454 (3-hour shutdown) news.zdnet.co.uk/software/windows/0,39020396,39167074,00.htm (similar to Windows systems) windows.about.com/library/weekly/aa012400a.htm (United Kingdom) facstaff.bloomu.edu/bobmon/computer-systems.info/blue-screen-of-death/ airport_blue-screen.html (Prague) www.theinquirer.net/?article=13280

558. A link to photos showing PC BIOS boot messages stuck on the billboard of a subway terminal. 559. This is true. The server had to be rebooted once a month to keep air trafc control operations running. Thankfully theyve upgraded to Windows XP.

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Apple sues Emacs for trademark violation

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 11, 2003 at 03:09PM From the popular-trumps-rst dept. Matthew writes: Apple Computer today announced that it has led a trademark violation lawsuit against Richard Stallman, the original author of Emacs and founder of the Free Software Foundation, for infringing the plural form of their trademark eMac. Richard Stallman is intentionally infringing the plural form of our popular eMac trademark with his text editing software. Apple vigorously pursues all parties who infringe our brands and marks, including parties that dont. Some might argue that Emacs was written in 1976, predating the eMac, the Macintosh, and Apple, and that our trademark should not apply. But, like Emacs, an eMac can be used to edit text, so theres clearly a deliberate attempt to mislead the text editing public, who might think that by installing Emacs, theyre getting the design aesthetic and user interface that Apple popularized. Our critics fail to realize that Mr. Stallman made a conscious and deliberate decision to continue distributing his product without changing the name even after he found out that we had registered a similar mark. It is this deliberate act that is the basis of our suit. Apple has also indicated that it will be suing the Beatles label Apple Records for trademark infringement now that the company is in the business of distributing recordings of music.560 (Emacs) www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emacs (eMac) www.apple.com/emac/ (suing) news.zdnet.co.uk/hardware/chips/0,39020354,2080611,00.htm Geez! by Tyson on Friday, September 12 at 01:18PM The only reason this story is not true is Steve Jobs would never use a text-based program like Emacs. On the other hand, Im sure Apple will eventually get around to suing all people named Mac* (eg, MacDonald, etc.) for diluting Apples trademark. Apple Records by Mike on Tuesday, October 07 at 09:40AM LOL, this reminds me of the whole Apple Records saga. I hear theyre trying to sue Apple again thanks to the iTunes music store. (Proudly posted on an iBook 800MHz)561

560. Apple Computer and Apple Records have been suing each other since day one. Just because two geniuses couldnt be bothered to come up with a name and named their companies after what they were eating at the time. 561. I guess you knew that.

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Email and Spam Statistics Revealed

Posted by Michael on Friday March 14, 2003 at 03:26AM From the maybe-the-spam-is-the-good-part dept. Michael writes: According to the Washington Post, recent statistics indicate that 40% of all email trafc in the US is Spam562. SlashNOT has obtained exclusive access to the complete data these statistics were based on and thus we present the following summary of the remaining 60%:
20% 10% 9% 6% 6% 5% 3% 1% Email Viruses Email Virus hoaxes Bad jokes forwarded from well-meaning friends and relatives Chain letters promising money from Bill Gates Urgent pleas for help for Craig Shergold or Kelsey Jones Conversations that would have taken 30 seconds by phone Misdirected and embarrassing messages Effective and informative communication

[Note: These statistics have a margin of error of plus or minus one percent] (40% of all email trafc in the US is Spam) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A177542003Mar12.html (Email Viruses) www.wired.com/news/infostructure/0,1377,58026,00.html (Email Virus hoaxes) hoaxbusters.ciac.org/ (Bad jokes) modernhumorist.com/mh/0009/history/ (Bill Gates) archive.salon.com/21st/feature/1998/09/22feature.html (Craig Shergold) www.wish.org/home/chainletters.htm (Kelsey Jones) www.snopes.com/inboxer/children/kelsey.htm (would have taken 30 seconds) www.w-uh.com/articles/030308-tyranny_of_email.html (Misdirected) www.laboratorium.net/OnMisdirectedEmail.html (embarrassing) news.com.com/2100-1023-916257.html?tag+fd_lede (messages) www.wired.com/news/privacy/0,1848,57960,00.html (Effective and informative) www.webfoot.com/advice/email.top.html No Subject Given by Captain Shenanigan563 on Friday, March 14 at 09:21PM Has anyone done a study on how many web sites are just parodies of other web sites? Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, March 17 at 05:23PM Yes. As it turns out, they all are.

562. Its up to 80%, but you see a lot less of it because of your spam lter. 563. Is Charles.

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Windows shutdown security aw

Posted by Matthew on Thursday June 17, 2004 at 05:07PM From the mode-input-standby dept. Kevin writes: Hot on the heels of the latest Linux security aw, which allows users with shell access to crash the computer, another aw in Microsofts Windows XP operating system has been found564. Apparently it is possible for anyone to shut down or restart a computer running Windows XP, without even having to log into the computer. With enough patience, even hackers with very little computer skills have been able to render systems unusable for hours simply by repeatedly taking advantage of this exploit. Microsoft is playing down the impact of the aw, calling it instead a feature. A related aw allows users in physical proximity to any computer running either Windows or Linux to cause a power-input standby exception using an out-of-band attack against the binary power arbitration unit exposed on the computer. Hackers as young as fourteen months of age have been documented exploiting this hack.565 (Linux security aw) linuxreviews.org/news/2004-06-11_kernel_crash/index.html (has been found) www.microsoft.com/resources/documentation/windows/xp/all/proddocs/en-us/ 559.mspx (Microsoft) www.microsoft.com

564. A link to an article at Microsoft describing how to enable or disable the shutdown option in the dialog box. 565. You can also simply press the power button and watch Windows shut down. This made my 18 month old the worlds youngest hacker after he saw with delight how torqued it got me.

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Japanese not building battle bots

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 12, 2004 at 01:13PM From the preemptive-satire dept. Matthew writes: The Japanese566 government has been quietly seeding hundreds of research projects into robotic technology. Each company starts up producing cutesy home-helper robots that are mostly useless, and develops into an industrial manufacturer of somewhat more useful devices. Japanese citizens have joined in the fun, forming robot pilot clubs to learn how to drive the devices and gain experience in their use567. I would like to assure our neighbors in the Pacic rim, especially the United States and China, that these robots are being developed and manufactured in mass for benign purposes such as search and rescue, and in no way indicate a return to Japans Glorious Imperial past of divinely inspired valorous conquest of the worlds inferior races. There is nothing for anyone to worry about in Japan. At current manufacturing rates, we will have one rescue robot for every member of the Japanese Self Defense Force, thus relieving humans of the dangers of search and rescue, re suppression, and preemptive defense568. (hundreds of research projects) www.tmsuk.co.jp/eng/index.html (cutesy home-helper robots) www.tmsuk.co.jp/eng/index.html (mostly useless) www.tmsuk.co.jp/eng/index.html (somewhat more useful devices) www.enryu.jp/feature.html

566. Is it just me, or is everyone secretly still afraid of Germany and Japan? 567. This is a reference to the German glider clubs that cropped up with government support in the mid 1930s to train airplane pilots without breaking treaties. 568. Wonderful invention of ours, preemptive defense. Its technically the same thing as offense, which ofcially makes The Department of Defense Orwellian doublespeak. I long for the days when we at least had the integrity to call it the War Department.

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McDonalds Offshores Thousands of Jobs to India

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 25, 2004 at 03:23PM From the save-my-crappy-job dept. Jeremy Camp writes: OAK BROOK, IL (August 19, 2004)McDonalds Corporation, in an attempt to cut costs and boost prots, has introduced a new order taking system in all of its U.S. locations. The new system relies on order takers from a phone center based in India569. Customers who drive to the menu at the drive through will be connected to an operator in India who will take the customers order and send the information to the store location for fulllment. Customers can expect the same friendly service theyve received in the past, only from operators in India rather than local store employees, says Mike Roberts, CEO, McDonalds USA. We are proud to contribute to the global economy by improving our bottom line while providing those in India with solid employment. Several thousand U.S. employees will be laid off or moved into other positions over the next few months as the transition is made. Most of those being laid off are high school students and retirees, who can count on their parents or social security for income, said Roberts. McDonalds is the worlds leading global food service retailer with more than 30,000 restaurants serving nearly 47 million people in more than 100 countries each day. Approximately 80 percent of McDonalds restaurants worldwide are owned and operated by independent, local businessmen and women. funny but true! by Hurkle hurklesh@removed.com on Monday, September 06 at 05:58PM http://www.rluxemburg.com/archives/000226.html Re: funny but true! by matthew on Tuesday, September 07 at 11:11AM A better link at the International Herald Tribune Re: funny but true! by steve steve35300@removed.com on Saturday, December 04 at 09:27AM They are doing this in the USA most articles say they are having the call centers in India they have one call center in ND and One in ILL.

569. Why cant I just pull up to the menu, press the cheeseburger menu item twice, the fries item once, and the coke item once, without having to talk to anyone? Wouldnt that make everyones lives easier?

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EA Sports To Sue A-Rod Over Trade

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 20, 2004 at 11:33PM From the we-have-no-sports dept. Mearzuh writes: In yet another of the frivolous lawsuit attempts that seem to be trendy these days, EA Sports decided to sue baseball superstar Alex A-Rod Rodriguez. According to the prosecuting lawyers, the basis of this lawsuit lies on the fact that A-Rod is trading teams by the dozens, making it very hard for companies like EA Games, who prot off of sportsmen like A-Rod, to keep up with the constant changes. A-Rod went from the Seattle Mariners to the Texas Rangers to the New York Yankees within a four year period, and computer art designers who worked on A-Rods character in MVP Baseball 2004 had worked very hard on making him look good in his Texas uniformbefore he traded to the Yankees. Now the game must be postponed because the makers need time to switch A-Rods uniform again. We cannot have players change their teams at will, said an attorney of EA Sports, without having them consult the computer gaming industry to advise them of their change. The Yuk Meter by Winkhorst shop@removed.com on Wednesday, February 25 at 05:41AM This one scores a 1 on the yuk meter. Thats somewhere between Adolf Hitler and Rush Limbo funnywise. Re: The Yuk Meter by Mearzuh on Wednesday, February 25 at 07:37PM Ok, Mr. Wiseguy. If youre so good, why arent you posting? PS: Its Rush Limbaugh, not Limbo. Unless you are comparing a politician (Hitler) to a musician (Rush Limbo), which would be funny nevertheless. Re: The Yuk Meter by SquirrelShhhItsASecret squirrelmedo@removed.com on Thursday, February 26 at 08:06AM Oh Come on!! Its better than the pepsi post!! :pNah, Nah,Just jokes (long time reader!really!) Did I tell you it is a secret! Love ya work Matthew! Have you found that bloody schematic yet???!??!??! (I know you know what I am talking about!!)570 No Subject Given by TheSquirrelShhItIsStillASecret secretsquirel@removed.com on Thursday, February 26 at 08:16AM Oh yeah forgot to mentionGotta love your rating system. Previous rating: 3.8 after 8 total votes. Your rating: 3 New average rating: 4 Maybe if they use this rating system for the next election George Dubbblleeyyyaaa Bush might win the election!571 :D hahaha (well someones gotta laugh at me!!I know I do!!) Re: Rating System by Matthew on Monday, March 08 at 04:44PM You have to keep in mind that hundreds (perhaps millions) of other SlashNOT readers were also rating the story at the same time as you. Or, in this case, 8. But the point is that someone else may have given it a ve at the precise moment that you gave it a 3, thus creating a juxtaposition that opened a mathematical wormhole in the space-time continuum into a dimension wherein 4 is the mode of 9 instances of 3. Or there could be a bug in our code. But really, whats more likely?572

570. I have no idea what hes talking about. 571. He did, no thanks to the SlashNOT rating system. 572. Theres a bug in our code.

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Martian Rovers Spotted In Arizona Desert

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 17, 2004 at 11:45PM From the Capricorn-V dept. Mearzuh writes: German tourists visiting the Grand Canyon, spotted and photographed the Martian rovers Spirit and Opportunity in the middle of the Arizona desert.573 According to preliminary reports, the husband and wife couple did not report this to anybody right away. We wanted to have our fun with it, rst, said husband Hansel, so we kinda took funny pictures with it. The couple admits that they may have damaged the Spirit rover by toying with it. NASA, however, was able to restore it to full functionality. As to how the two rovers ended up in Arizona rather than on Mars, even ofcials are not sure. One ofcial suggests that scientists and technicians involved in the missions may have confused the American with the Metric system, and instead of programming the rover to y to Mars, it was programmed to slingshot back to Earth. NASA intends to auction the rovers off on Ebay since they are of no use anymore. But this story is not all that bad, for the couple got to keep its pictures along with their bragging rights. Says a smiling wife Gretle, I mean come on! How many people can say they have been on Mars and have undoctored pictures to prove it?

573. My dad was a conspiracy theorist, but even he didnt believe that the moon shot was faked. Hed worked for Boeing and new that rockets could actually reach space. He did believe that the world was hollow and that an interior people lived in harmony and were warmed by an interior sun. He also practiced Radionics, which youre just going to have to Google.

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Google News to be renamed Noogle

Posted by Michael on Monday December 23, 2002 at 11:15AM From the oogle-oogle-oogle dept. Michael writes: Continuing the trend set by the beta release of their new shopping search engine, Froogle, leading search engine Google announced today that it will rename its popular Google News offering to Noogle. This is just the beginning, said Google CEO Eric E. Schmidt. Everyone loves our name, and attaching it to our other properties will increase their brand association. Their next planned change is for the Google Groups newsgroup archive, which will now be called Groogle. Were thinking of renaming the image search as Viewgle, but were not sure people will get that one, said Schmidt. Well also be releasing Zoogle later this year, but were not sure what it will be. (Froogle) froogle.google.com/ (Noogle) news.google.com/ (Groogle) groups.google.com/ (Viewgle) images.google.com/ (Zoogle) www.greeneld.k12.wi.us/ew/1st%20page/artist.htm

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Apple sends OS 9 to the Disney Vault for 10 years

Posted by Matthew on Friday January 10, 2003 at 10:02PM From the toys-4-tots dept. Matthew writes: Apple sends OS 9 to the Disney Vault for 10 years Steve Jobs announced today that Apple would be sending OS 9 into the Disney Vault574 for 10 years. Mac Addicts who want to purchase OS 9 have only a limited time until OS 9 goes into the Disney Vault for 10 years. This will be the last chance for a generation to purchase OS 9. Apples unusual announcement apparently comes from Jobs experience with Disneys marketing strategies as the CEO of Pixar, the producer of four of Disneys biggest hits in the last ve years. Jobs also announced the new lil Mac bootntoot computer575 targeting the 18 to 36 month consumer, a market with over twelve billion dollars in discretionary spending power576. No Subject Given by Matthew on Saturday, January 11 at 04:47PM Okay, whos the Mac user that always rates Apple satire 1 no matter how funny it is? Re: No Subject Given by Mike on Tuesday, October 07 at 09:43AM Why would a Mac user rate every bit of Apple humor 1? Im a proud Apple/Linux user and Im loving this stuff!

574. It astonishes me that consumers let Disney so blatantly create articial rarity for the stories theyve blatantly ripped off from the public domain and then lobbied congress to perpetually increase copyright limitations on so that they can keep a death grip on what would otherwise be our shared cultural heritage. Not that Im bitter about it. 575. This was released on January 11th, 2005. www.apple.com/minimac SlashNOT prognostication gets it right again. I think lil Mac boot n toot would have been a better name than Mac mini. Its really more like a boot n bong though, now that I think about it. 576. My two-year-old daughter gets $2/week in allowance. That means shell have $500 saved up before she knows what money is for.

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Apple to re-release Mac OS 6.0.7

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 28, 2003 at 09:53PM From the play-it-again-steve dept. Matthew writes: Steve Jobs has announced that Apple will be re-releasing Mac OS 6.0.7 on March 1st577. Mac OS 6.0.7 is coming out of the Disney vault this March. Theres been a generation of Mac fans whove never seen a single-tasking operating system. Theyve never had to wait for a oppy to format before they could use their computer. Theyve never had to close one program in order to open another. And, theyve never seen a black-and-white monitor. Were bringing Mac OS 6.0.7 out of the Disney vault so that Parents can share the memories of this wonderful operating system that they loved as a teenager with their kids. Of course, it wont be long before Mac OS 6.0.7 goes back into the vault for another 10 years, so be sure to pick up your copy today. Apple has not announced whether or not they will be including the oppy drive required to boot the operating system in the package. (re-releasing) home.earthlink.net/gamba2/syslist.html (Disney vault) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=210ion=Home Dude by James Frigging Bond no@removed.com on Thursday, September 04 at 10:09PM System 6 rocked! Where can I get my copy? Re: Dude by Mike on Tuesday, October 07 at 09:42AM Right herethey have disk and HD images. If you have an old enough Mac (and it doesnt need to be a Mac plus), you can boot from disks made with these images. Have fun! :-) :-p http://www.multimac.ch/ download/system/6.0.7/

577. <rant>I love Macs. My primary computer is a Mac laptop and so is my wifes. But placing the menu bar at the top of the screen instead of inside the document window is sheer user interface madness that should have stopped at OS X. Its confusing because it disconnects the menu from the users mental context. Its a silly vestige of the early Systems that could only run one application at a timeeach app lled the entire screen, there was no nder in the background, and it made sense to have the menu always at the top of the screen. Because Multinder was originally a third party hack, they obviously couldnt change the way the Mac worked. But Apple should have made an attempt to change the situation with OS 7. And they denitely should have changed it when they rewrote the entire OS from scratch with OS X.</rant>

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Was the Sony PSP hyped by marketers578?

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday June 09, 2004 at 05:47PM From the What-the-marketers-giveth-the-engineers-taketh-away dept. Mongooseman writes: Sony have strongly denied rumours579 that the graphical abilities of the PSP have been overstated to help hype the machine. After the PS2 failed to live up to its stated 395 billion polygons per second capability, Sony have issued an ofcial statement to ease the worries about the same being true of the PSP. A spokeperson said, It is true that the PS2 did not quite match the specs we believed it could do. However, we do strongly believe that the PSP is fully capable of everything we have said. Including several newly announced features. These included: 725 million billion trillion polygons per second Real-time bread toasting 200 mile wi- range Full solar power running capability Smoke Detector Alarm Built in anti-tank missile guidance system A Microsoft representative claimed that these gures are only half of the portable Xboxs capabilities; to which the Sony spokesperson added that the PSP will actually be able to t in your pocket, rather than just a house.

578. That is their job, after all. 579. Mongooseman is British, so this isnt mispelt.

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The Best of SlashNOT

Sony announces data storage on paper

Posted by Matthew on Thursday April 15, 2004 at 11:54AM From the miracles-of-science dept. Matthew writes: Sony Corporation has announced a major breakthrough in reducing the cost of information distribution and long-term information storage. Based on Sonys optical high-density optical storage platform, the new technology involves the storage of information using a specic system of printed marks on brous pulped wood580. This new technology will be a dramatic enabler in the sciences, arts, and in government. Imagine being able to store information on a medium so inexpensive that it could be easily reproduced and widely distributed. The ability to permanently retain volumes of information for indenite periods also has uses in the education and business markets. According to Sony, individual pages of information can be bound together into volumes which in sum can contain nearly any amount of information. Sony is currently exploring the potential market for selling pre-printed volumes of information directly to consumers. (the storage of information using a specic system of printed marks on brous pulped wood) www. japancorp.net/Article.Asp?Art_ID=7101

580. An article about Sonys innovative method for storing data on paperpretty much exactly what the article is about, but their method involves printing paper DVDs that can be read in a normal DVD reader, allowing Sony to skip the middle men and just print money directly.

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Roomba battle mode accidentally discovered

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 09, 2004 at 09:34PM From the happy-easter-egg dept. Matthew writes: A San Diego man581 reports that he has accidentally discovered a battle mode that is automatically engaged whenever two Roombas are in the same room. My wife bought the second Roomba so she could do two rooms at once. At rst, it was no problem: The alpha Roomba cleaned the living room, and the beta Roomba cleaned the kitchen. Then one day she left the infra-red virtual wall off, and the beta Roomba ventured right into alpha Roomba territory. What ensued was horrifying. They both immediately entered a spiral scan around one another, in an ever-widening circle until they bumped. The alpha Roomba grabbed the beta Roombas spin brush in its beater bar and pulled it off. The beta then immediately did a double reverse, spun around, and slammed into the alpha Roombas power button, shutting it off. The beta then sounded the nished victory cadence.582 SlashNOT labs investigated the issue and found that iRobot, makers of the Roomba and various battleeld robots for the department of defense583, uses the same rmware in all of their robots. Home users are advised never to allow two Roombas into close proximity with one another until iRobot releases a rmware update. (iRobot, makers of the Roomba and various battleeld robots for the department of defense) www. irobot.com/home/default.asp

581. That would be me. 582. This story is based on what happened when we actually put our two Roombas in the same room. Because they use the same algorithm, they actually did get locked into a silly turn, bump into each other, turn away, bump into each other again, repeat cycle. It looked much like a ght. 583. Weve pointed out a few times how your vacuuming dollars are actually going into military robot research. I personally am quite okay with this, but you might not be.

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iTunes worse than Crack?

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday October 21, 2003 at 11:14AM From the Jobs-for-the-needy dept. Matthew writes: Apple computers new iTunes service, which allows consumers to easily purchase individual songs online, is igniting controversy as some psychologists claim that it is yet another destructive temptation for those with addiction problems or obsessive-compulsive disorders.584 Theyve made spending a buck online so easy that it can easily become compulsive. Says Dr. Egon Trada, an addiction specialist. Im treating several patients whove spent thousands of dollars on heavy-rhythm fueled music buying binges; theyre purchasing everything theyve ever even remotely heard on the radio. Ive got a seventeenyear-old male patient who just bought the entire Elton John catalog because he liked Tiny DancersHe thought it was a song about Tony Danza. This illustrates the dangers were facing here. iTunes is similar to a gateway drug. Were seeing patients rapidly progress from iTunes to buying an iPod, to becoming full blown Mac users. They dont seem to care about the social stigma of heavy Mac use, or the lack of support forums that they will face. We believe that Apple needs to place controls on the service to prevent the social problems that afict abusers. For example, suspending the accounts of people who purchase indicator music that nobody actually likes, such as anything by Clay Aiken or Culture Club. (Apple computers) www.apple.com/ (iTunes) www.apple.com/itunes/ (igniting controversy) www.theregister.co.uk/content/7/33468.html (those with addiction problems) weblogs.jupiterresearch.com/analysts/wilcox/archives/001100.html (Clay Aiken) www.clayaiken.com/ (Culture Club) www.culture-club.co.uk/ Its so true! by mmmcrack on Friday, October 24 at 08:59PM Here it is in color proof of the addictive powers of iTunes. See for yourself if you dare! Re: Its so true! by matthew on Thursday, October 30 at 09:10AM mmmCrack! No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Saturday, May 08 at 11:21AM quite true

584. Yes, we should stop innovation, because every new thing is potentially addictive in the wrong hands. Or explosive. Or causes a choking hazard. Or creates an even bigger divide between the haves and the have nots. Or could be used to download illegally. Its all got to stop.

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Wussies decry BNSF Carpal Tunnel Testing

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 10, 2005 at 05:43PM From the HO-scale-model-employees dept. Matthew writes: In a test case with ramications for wussies throughout the nation, Burlington Northern & Santa Fe Railroad has been secretly running unproven genetic tests on its workers585 to prove that the employees are genetic wussies, thus relieving the company from responsibility for their myriad symptoms.586 Donald Mingus, a spokesman for the American Hypocondrial Society (AHS), described the campaign. Weve got numerous members at BNSF whove been permanently disgured by Carpal Tunnel, Sick Building Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Florescent Lighting effected Migraine Syndrome (FLeMS), and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). While the cause, source, or even diagnosis is rarely provable, Ive got reams of anecdotal evidence that shows that employers must be responsible. Furthermore, were absolutely opposed to any sort of testing which might result in a negative diagnosis of our members ailments. We want BNSF to stand up, take responsibility, and provide the magnetic therapy, gel-lled wrist rests, at panel monitors with EMF shields, and healthy back ofce chairs that our members so disparately need. (Burlington Northern & Santa Fe Railroad has been secretly running unproven genetic tests on its workers) www.health-hack.com/archives/2005/08/09/09/16/genetic-ethics-carpal-tunnel/ Um by phobos13013 on Thursday, August 11 at 04:44AM How do you disparately need something? i mean, im just askin. Id like to RThatFA! Re: Um by Matthew on Thursday, August 11 at 01:55PM Easy. You type desparately into Open-Ofce and watch it change it to disparately automatically without notifying you that its misspelled. Damn you Open Ofce! Re: Um by Tyson on Friday, August 12 at 10:25AM HmmmI have a source code editor that does even worse. Type a variable name wrong, say fooo instead of foo and it will go off and replace it with something like FormicaReplacementPolicy. Re: Um by daan on Tuesday, August 16 at 06:29PM Worse? I cant think of ANY circumstance in which foo could be more useful than FormicaReplacementPolicy. Show a bit of gratitude!

585. That sentence is true. 586. Heres how it works: We give you Social Security. Now you have to be numbered. We give you health care. Now we own your body. We let you drive. Now we can pull you over and inspect you when ever we feel like it. We give, we take, you lose.

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Microsoft 22% faster than U.S. Government in basic services

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 06, 2004 at 01:18PM From the 1984-was-twenty-years-too-early dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft has launched a new website to provide the facts regarding its competition. In this site, Microsoft takes on IBM, Sun, Linux, and the U.S. Government to show how its products deliver lower costs than all competitors.587 A study of the total cost to deliver health and human services, basic governance, and environmental protection show that Windows Server 2003 outperforms the U.S. Government by an average of 11% to 22%, potentially saving U.S. Tax payers (licensees of managed government services588) nearly 500 Billion dollars per year.589 Windows is most cost effective when you compare the environmental impact of feeding and housing 20 million public servants versus the resource consolidation that allows them to be obviated. Add to that the elimination of the Justice Department and its associated costs, and youve got savings you can take to Microsofts new online banking service. (Microsoft has launched a new website) www.microsoft.com/mscorp/facts/default.asp

587. Microsoft likes to pay its thralls to come up with studies that show how much easier their software is to manage and how much more return you get. Nobody believes them, not even the people who like Microsoft. 588. That end-user license agreement is going to be something to see. 589. Notwithstanding footnote 1, Microsoft would be cheaper than the U.S. Government. Linux would be able to do it as well, but for some services youd have to climb down in the subway, go through two back ofces and a closet, nd a guy named fred (all lowercase), and have him tell you that you need to you need to send an e-mail to somebody named devnull to get your license.

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Cruelty Free Linux Distro Released

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 29, 2002 at 07:48AM From the chains-and-whips dept. Matthew writes: People for the Ethical Distribution of Linux (PEDL) have announced Green Linux, which they claim is 100% cruelty free, as well as made from 100% recycled UNIX. For the rst time, open source acionados can combine their love of Linux with their love of being not cruel590. Weve taken the ethical dilemma out of running Linux says a PEDL spokesperson. What weve done is remove the paper, the CD-R media, and emacs, and then recycled all that old UNIX code into a new operating system. Its surprising that nobody has done this before. said a PEDL spokesperson. When reminded that numerous Linux and BSD distributions are only available online, and that they too are basically recycled UNIX, the spokesperson noted that they still have emacs. Feturing ads with nude women-who-you-might-think-could-realistically-be-seen-with-a-geek covering themselves with nothing but titanium PowerBooks, the new distribution will be available only via download, to avoid paper packaging materials and the exploitative processes required to make CD media in third world countries.591 (People for the Ethical Distribution of Linux (PEDL)) www.eff.org/ (Green Linux) www.fbeedle.com/technote/03-01/linux/linux.html (emacs) www.gnu.org/software/emacs/emacs.html (women-who-you-might-think-could-realistically-be-seen-with-a-geek) www.hotornot.com

590. As a young man, I was in the Navy. We pulled into Cairns, Australia and were protested by a group of about 30 people chanting One two three for ve/we just want to stay alive/six seven eight nine ten/ take your nukes go home again. So we made a bunch of 10 foot long hoagies and set up a picnic amongst them. The three hard-core organizers were yelling at everyone not to eat our tainted food, but everyone else was pretty coolturns out they had mostly come out to see what was going on. It turned out that the three organizers were from New Zealand. 591. Yes, but the plastic jacket around internet cables contains polyvinyl chloride. Its a chemical, so it must be bad.

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SlashNOT editor tapped for top HP spot

Posted by Matthew on Saturday February 12, 2005 at 10:21PM From the hap-hep-hip-hop-hup-hyp dept. Matthew writes: Michael Moncur, CEO of Starlingtech, Editor and CTO of SlashNOT, Optimist Prime at gby.com, and Editor of quotationspage.com, has been tapped to replace Carly Fiorina as CEO of HP. In a surprise move, the HP board moved quickly to replace Ms. Fiorina after the company suffered lackluster performance following its acquisition of Compaq. Stating that Mr. Moncurs combination of business experience, technical expertise, extremely low salary requirements592, and sense of humor made him the perfect replacement for the glamorous yet completely unfunny Ms. Fiorina. The difference between their salaries will dramatically improve HPs bottom line in the coming year. As his rst move, Mr. Moncur has announced a general apology to the public for some of HPs missteps during Ms. Fiorinas time at the top. Firstly, Id like to apologize for HPs entire line of laptops. Id like to apologize for the cancellation of the Alpha microprocessor, and for the fact that HP printers never really line up with Avery labels or feed the paper straight. Finally, Id like to apologize for having spun off the test equipment division that made this company great and giving it such a stupid name593. If you thought spinning off the test equipment division and buying Compaq looked like short-sighted attempts to bump up share price at the expense of long-term strength, youre right, and I apologize for that too. From now on, were going to do things the HP way.

592. The difference in salary is enough to signicantly improve HPs bottom line. They should seriously consider it. 593. Why couldnt the real HP have remained HP, and the crappy computers and crappy printers division become Agilent? Or, perhaps, Compaq?

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305

Adobe Sues Apple over lack of performance

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 07, 2002 at 01:47AM From the apples-to-apples-dust-to-dust dept. Matthew writes: Adobe led suit against Apple today citing Apples recent performance problems as a signicant factor in the less than stellar sales of InDesign 2.0. When we started working on InDesign, we applied our Moores Law calculator to our project timeline to determine exactly how much bloat to include in the code. To make a long story short, Apple has violated Moores Law, and they need to know that their software vendors arent going to put up with it. Lawyer for Apple released this statement: Firstly, Moore works for Intel, so his law is not enforceable in our architecture594. Secondly, while admittedly Intel has pulled ahead, thats Motorolas fault, and we cant comment on that due to our pending lawsuit against them. Thirdly, InDesign is a bloated sack of shit595, and no amount of processing power is going to change that. While Adobe does not contest Apples assessment of InDesign, they counter that Microsoft Windows XP is also a bloated sack of shit, but that a Pentium 4 3GHz machine runs it pretty well. And thats the heart of our lawsuit. (Adobe) www.adobe.com/ (Apple) www.apple.com (performance problems) www.wired.com/news/mac/0,2125,51926,00.html (InDesign 2.0) www.adobe.com/products/indesign/main.html (bloat) www.informationweek.com/story/IWK20011212S0003 (Intel) www.intel.com (Motorola) www.motorola.com/ (bloated sack of shit) www.angelre.com/my/starvingsoul/birdie.html (Microsoft Windows XP) www.digitalvideoediting.com/2001/02_feb/editorials/chazzletter18.htm

594. It is now. 595. My brother daan works for Adobe on the InDesign team. I sort of felt bad about this statement in retrospect, despite the fact that Adobe apps now take longer to boot than Windows.

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Hormel sues spam blockers

Posted by Matthew on Sunday December 01, 2002 at 05:15PM From the high-pressure-pork-parts-pipe dept. Matthew writes: Hormel foods has led suit against the Spam Prevention Early Warning System for blocking the delivery of Spam to many of its customers. SPEWS and other spam blockers have been put on notice that Hormel will not tolerate Anti-spam596 activities. Weve been very happy about the way that the Internet community has embraced spam. Our research shows that spam is by far the most talked about food product on the Internet. But we dont want the words spam and anti ever being concatenated. People who attempt to concatenate spam or block the delivery of spam will see us in court. Rather than subscribing to Spam blocking services, Hormel recommends forwarding unwanted Spam to the hungry. (Hormel foods) www.hormel.com (Spam Prevention Early Warning System) www.spews.org/ (Spam) www.spam.com/ (Internet community has embraced spam) media.hormel.com/anm/templates/spam_museum. asp?articleid=8&zoneid=11 (by far the most talked about food product) www.google.com/search?q=spam (block the delivery of spam) www.spammobile.com/ (hungry) www.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=11478

596. Poor Hormel. Spam already had enough bad connotations before it became the name for the most hated annoyance since the Tsetse y.

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U.S. Terror alert raised after Google DNS outage

Posted by Matthew on Sunday May 08, 2005 at 12:32PM From the trigger-affect dept. Matthew writes: The Department of Homeland Security raised the current threat level to Orange after Google became unavailable for a period of 15 minutes late Saturday afternoon, resulting in nationwide spasm of looting and civil disorder. While apparently the result of a mistake in DNS settings, the Google outage underscores how vulnerable some of our national infrastructure remains. Much work is left to be done to secure our communities, homes, and search engines from the terrorist threat. said DoHS Secretary Michael Chertoff. I want to assure everyone that the outage was a simple error, not the result of a security related incident. Please return any merchandise you may have stolen in the last fteen minutes, try to put out those tire res, and unload your rearms. Civilization has not ended.597 (Google became unavailable for a period of 15 minutes) www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/ news/local/states/california/northern_california/11592622.htm (Civilization has not ended) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End_of_Civilization

597. The Internet is a perfect example of how quickly we come to rely on inherently unreliable things, like electrical power, cellular phones, and our propensity for peace.

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Apache Point Observatory to be renamed

Posted by Matthew on Thursday October 30, 2003 at 09:41AM From the still-smells-as-foul dept. Matthew writes: Apache Point Observatory, in New Mexico, has recently announced that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has offered a 50 million dollar grant to the observatory to develop image processing software that will allow astronomers to combine images from multiple telescopes to achieve resolution higher than any one telescope could achieve. This grant is really a breakthrough for us, and the conditions for granting it were quite liberal, said a spokesman for New Mexico State University. Although the new name is a mouthful, we are excited to rename the facility to Internet Information Server Point Observatory.598 (Apache) www.apache.org/ (Point Observatory) www.apo.nmsu.edu/ (the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) www.microsoft.com/ (Internet Information Server Point Observatory) www.microsoft.com/presspass/features/2003/oct03/1006StarData.asp No Subject Given by Matthew on Sunday, November 02 at 09:40PM UPDATE: We apparently got the new name of the observatory incorrect. Our sources tell us the Observatory will be renamed to Sharepoint Server Point Observatory Re: No Subject Given by Steve Franklin searchgoogle@removed.franklin on Wednesday, November 12 at 06:18AM One wonders why they dont just offer the whole tribe a Microsoft funded and operated casino franchise to change their tribal name to the Buffalo Bills.

598. In the likely event that this story makes no sense to you, the main open source web server is called Apache and Microsofts web server is called Internet Information Server.

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309

Santa Worship Cult found in New Hampshire

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 23, 2004 at 04:20PM From the The-Evil-is-Everywhere dept. Matthew writes: Local authorities have reported the existence of a Santa Worship Cult in the small town of Hampton, New Hampshire.599 We rst became aware of the Santa Worshippers when a teenage student attempted to attend a High School dressed as Santa600 himself. Said Principle Fred Mascara. Of course, these days we have to be sensitive to legitimate religions, but Santa Worship isnt a legitimate religion. Its a cult. The Principle pointed to other signs of Santa Worship around the neighborhood, including numerous people wearing red hats, wreaths hanging on doors and strapped to the front of cars, and Christmas trees. These symbols are not emblematic of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, or whatever religion it is that celebrates Kwanza. These are symbols of Santa Worship. Its suddenly cropped up everywhere, and I think parents need to be aware that their kids may be involved in Santa Worship cults. We need to get to children when they are young and tell them that Santa isnt real601before its too late! (a teenage student attempted to attend a High School dressed as Santa) www.boston.com/news/local/ new_hampshire/articles/2004/12/23/school_bans_student_dressed_as_santa_from_holiday_dance/ (tell them that Santa isnt real) newsobserver.com/news/story/1956461p-8322378c.html Santaan emblem of Christianity! by daan on Thursday, December 23 at 05:19PM Next itll be Frosty banned from holiday scenes in public, seeing how chummy he is with Jesus. Then someone will realize there arent any Zoroastrian holidays in December or early January, so publicly funded institutions will be forbidden from celebrating The Holidays because to do so would display insensitivity toward those for whom The Holidays arent. At long last we will all be equal and happy. Re: Santaan emblem of Christianity! by Zoro on Friday, December 24 at 02:13PM You insensitive lout! December 25th is the celebration of Ahura Mazda, the supreme god of Zoroastrianism! Christians appropriated the holiday because many Romans and Greeks already took the day off.602

599. My wife is a member. She forbade me from telling the kids that Santa isnt real just because I refuse to lie to them. 600. Yep, banned from the prom for dressing like Santa. God knows why. 601. Link to a story about a teacher who was red for letting on that Santa wasnt real. 602. Daan has to do a better job of picking religions so obscure that they wouldnt offend anyone.

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Google Search Leads to Gates of Hell

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday September 25, 2002 at 05:34PM From the search-and-ye-shall-nd dept. Doug Jones writes: A PC World.com article reads: Could Bill Gates really be the devil? Some competitors may have thought so for years, but now Google seems to think so too. Currently, if you type go to hell into the Google search engineyou have to include the quotation marksthe No. 1 search result is Microsofts home page603. (For what its worth, AOL.com comes up as No. 3, and the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill comes in at No. 6.) When asked about the devilish search result, Google spokesman Nate Tyler said its an anomaly that Microsoft ranks ahead of even Hell.com, not to mention AOL and UNC. Interestingly, searching on Gates of Hell pulls up Microsoft as entry number 4. Clearly, theyre very closely integrated with Hell. [Note: Stories in the True Stories section are true and highlight current news items that are just too silly to satirize.] (PC World.com) www.pcworld.com (article) http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,105320,00.asp (go to hell) www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22go+to+hell%22 (Google) www.google.com

603. True at the time.

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Open Source Pioneers will be abducted by Aliens

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 11, 2002 at 01:47AM From the out-of-this-world dept. Reinhard Gantar writes: Santa Cruz, CA. Yesterday a large ying object landed on Thompson Square in Santa Cruz. The passengers identied themselves as ambassadors from Zulu IV, an earth-like planet in a small solar system in Sagittarius, and they ceremoniously passed a gift for president Bush (an elaborately braid-knitted pullover made of nano-carbon bers) with the words Im Klatuu. This is a gift for your president. After the ceremony, they turned to business, inquiring to meet Linus Torvalds, Guido van Rossum and Richard Stallman. As they explained in a press conference, the people of Zulu IV is plagued by an evil emperor who is also the CEO of the only manufacturer of software and has been consistently abusing his monopoly power in order to enslave the planets populace for more than two-hundred wardoks (about 700 earth-years). We cant bear no more said Hm, the spokes-person of Zulu IVs delegation. The blackmailing, the taxes, the suppression, the deportations, the licenses, the protocol pollution, the blue screens of death squadswe will put an end to all that, but we have to empower our people with software they can control themselves. We need Linux, gcc, python, mySQL and sendmail to overthrow the ancient regime. Larry Wall, creator of the perl programming language, volunteered as abductee in order to teach the good use of perl on Zulu IV. Hm politely rejected the offer, explaining, that their alphabet has not enough characters to handle perl-code gracefully.604 No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Monday, November 11 at 03:50AM Klaatu Barada Nikto. Re: Hey! You are right by Gantar reinhardgantar@removed.com on Tuesday, November 12 at 03:58PM I was a child back thenKlaatu Barada NiktoI think this was in Army of Darkness, too. Silly mehow could I forget thisBy the way: Half of the story is missing. I wonder why. Regards, thanks all the same Gantar Re: Hey! You are right by Matthew on Tuesday, November 12 at 07:54PM Because brevity is the soul of wit.605 Re: Hey! You are right by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, November 19 at 05:59PM what about the human females? Not funny? This was my favorite part.606

604. Geeks nd this to be hysterical. But youve got to like B movies and C programming. 605. I was trying to make it coherent. I dont think I succeeded. 606. It was a tad offensive.

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SlashAsterisk: Windows .NOT Server

Posted by Matthew on Friday January 10, 2003 at 05:18PM From the A-Skunk-By-Any-Other-Name dept. Matthew writes: Microsoft has changed the name of the forthcoming server version of their operating system this week for the fourth time, in what they are calling an effort to reduce customer confusion607. Originally referred to in beta as Whistler, the operating systems rst production name was Windows 2002 Server. Microsoft then changed the name to Windows .NET server in order to increase customer confusion. Three release candidates shipped to beta testers with this name. Early this week, Microsoft decided to subsequently reduce customer confusion by rererenaming the operating system to Windows 2003 Server, as a tribute to its slipping release date. We at SlashNOT believe that renaming products is the probably the most effective way to reduce customer confusion, and we laud Microsoft for their efforts. A fth name change (to Windows 2004 Server) would probably further reduce the number of confused customers. Other (admittedly less effective) methods would be to produce software that operates according to a coherent theory of operation rather than a mixed bag of feature requests generated by the marketing department608. Producing well-tested and secure software that is unlikely to crash during normal operation might also serve to further reduce the number of confusing customers. /* Stories that appear with the SlashAsterisk heading are true stories with SlashNOT editorial or reader commentary included */ (changed the name) www.theinquirer.net/?article=7147 (forthcoming) www.internetwk.com/breakingNews/INW20030110S0004 (server version) www.atnewyork.com/news/article.php/1568041 (Windows 2003 Server) www.microsoft.com/windows.netserver/preview/default.mspx

607. Thank heavens Apple doesnt keep changing the name of the iPod everytime they add a feature. Nontechnical people cant stand that. 608. Yeah, Windows is getting pretty obscure. But the attempts in the Linux community to produce a desktop GUI all wind up looking like the ugly younger sister of Windows. It would be really cool if the Linux guys just came up with something completely different (and, oh yeah, better).

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NORAD announces expanded holiday tracking

Posted by Michael on Friday December 26, 2003 at 01:22AM From the so-thats-where-the-budget-went dept. Michael writes: After successfully tracking Santa Claus during his Christmas travels this year, the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has announced that they will expand their tracking facilities to cover other holiday mascots609. Our new tracking system, launching in 2004, will track the Easter Bunny, Cupid, and several others. We expect this to help our continuing NORAD is Not Scary610 campaign. In addition, these holiday characters frequently act with a disdain for border and airspace laws, and knowing their whereabouts is critical for the security of the continent, said a NORAD spokesman. The Defense Command will begin their new program by tracking Baby New Year next week. We are hoping to track other mythical characters, including the Tooth Fairy and the Man in the Moon, but this will be difcult since they are active on more than one day of the year. (tracking Santa Claus) www.noradsanta.org/english/home/index.html (NORAD) www.norad.mil/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.welcome (Easter Bunny) www.holidays.net/easter/bunny1.htm (Cupid) www.novareinna.com/festive/cupid.html (NORAD is Not Scary) www.norad.mil/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.kids (Baby New Year) www.novareinna.com/festive/bny.html (Tooth Fairy) www.abarnett.demon.co.uk/atheism/tooth.html (Man in the Moon) www.its.themoon.co.uk/moonman.html WTF?! by Tyson on Monday, December 29 at 11:51AM The crayon colored F16 and Norad Tracks Santa page are just not to be believed! Re: WTF?! by Michael on Tuesday, December 30 at 04:46AM Ive found that the trouble with satire is that its impossible to keep up with the ridiculous nature of reality

609. Its astounding that Santa didnt inadvertently get shot down during the cold war. Oh yeah, Santa isnt real. SorryI keep trying to forget. 610. The NORAD Christmas website is totally surreal. You should check it out. Im waiting for something like this to appear on the site: Rudolf the Red nosed missile; Had a very shiny bomb; And if you ever saw it; you would say that its the bomb; All of the other deterrent force; used to laugh and call him names; they never let poor Rudolf; play in simulation games; Then one foggy Christmas Eve; The President came to say; Rudolf with your bomb so bright; Wont you nuke some terrorists tonight; Then all the deterrent force loved him; and they detonated with glee; Rudolf the red nosed missile; youre the end of history!

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Alien Spacecraft intercepted

Posted by Matthew on Saturday December 27, 2003 at 11:08AM From the anti-terrestrial dept. Mathew writes: The Advocacy High Command has announced the capture of yet another alien spacecraft611, marking the 24th such craft to have been successfully captured and disabled by the high commands newly formed Alien Invasion Defense Force612. Commander Agfrap Glok explains: This is another one of the bouncing crawler type ships designed to survey sites for the eventual construction of an alien colony. This one clearly could not have come from a great distance on its own, so we believe that there may be a mother ship, perhaps containing an invasion force, orbiting above the planet now. Citizens should remain calm and remember that these landings have been going on for nearly 15 revolutions613, when the rst landing alien ship was destroyed. Go about your labors, and keep all three eyestalks skyward. Immediately report anything falling from the sky. Remember that its far easier for us to destroy these craft than it is for the aliens to send them. Soon, they will realize the futility of their invasion and cease forever614. (the capture of yet another alien spacecraft) www.news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=2340373 (nearly 15 revolutions) pweb.jps.net/tgangale/mars/other/schmidt.htm (when the rst landing alien ship was destroyed) www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/ 2003/12/25/international1338EST0526.DTL Alien Spacecraft Intercepted by Looney Lonnie lhheston@removed.com on Sunday, December 28 at 12:31PM The ease of capture is attributed to the alien use of electronics from the alien British islands with the strange name Lucas. Alien vehicles from the manufacturers using Lucas parts are known for holding a great deal of smoke in the wiring until devices are activated. Such smoke is very visible in our atmosphere.

611. This was the Beagle mars probe. 612. The Martians have been hard at work trying to stop our imminent invasion. Does it count if we mean well? 613. Yes, Mars years. 614. Sadly, we probably will.

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Apple Switch ad to feature Bill Gates

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 29, 2002 at 06:17AM From the switchers-anonymous dept. mstrebe writes: Apple computer is currently lming a switch add featuring Microsofts Bill Gates. I nally just got sick of the whole damned thing. says Gates, noticeably tired in the ad. I mean, I dont know how many times I tried to tell these guys what I wanted, and they just kept coming out with hackneyed crap. Last week, I was trying to install a smartcard infrastructure around the housewhat an unbelievable pain in the ass that was615. Windows Me? Are you kidding! Sure, it looks a bit more like Aqua616, but you can tell its still Windows underneath. I just wanted something that works, you know, and is made out of titanium617. Besides, they totally go with Melindas interior decorating, and the only purpose I have for a computer is to burn DVDs of the kids. Microsoft PR people are at a complete loss to explain Bills appearance in the commercial, noting that he has become distant as of late, and had been lingering in front of the local Apple store while walking through the mall.618 (Apple) www.ehumorcentral.com/Directory/Jokes/589.html (switch) www.macedition.com/partingshot/partingshot_20020628.php (Microsoft) www.telecommander.com/pics/links/application%20software/microsoft/ Microsoft_Bob_1_0/Microsoft_Bob_1_0.htm (Bill Gates) www.billgatesisdead.com/ (Windows Me) www.oreilly.com/catalog/winmeannoy/ (titanium) www.apple.com/powerbook/ I switched by Anonymous Coward on Thursday, August 29 at 08:24AM I switched, and I love my new computer. I dont like the part about being gay as much, but Im getting used to it. Re: I switched by Matthew on Saturday, October 26 at 06:19PM I was surprised about the requirement to vote as a democrat. Not that I care about politics at all, I just found it surprising. Re: I switched by zzzz on Wednesday, January 08 at 02:09PM <snl reference> actually, i kind of like being Jewish now. </snl reference>

615. Based on my attempt to setup a smartcard infrastructure throughout the house. What an unbelievable pain in the ass that was. 616. User interface for Mac OS X. 617. Mac Powerbooks are made out of Aluminum now. Oh well. 618. Hard not too. Macs are just too damned cool.

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Playboy.com suspends 35 after Internet usage probe

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 30, 2002 at 01:03AM From the what-goes-around-comes-around dept. Matthew writes: Playboy.com, the web portal associated with the famous mens magazine, suspended 35 staffers after rewall monitoring and network scanning revealed that the employees had residual pornographic photos in their browser caches. Joining the roughly 30% of U.S. companies that have formally disciplined employees for inappropriate Internet use related to pornography619, Playboy.com announced its zero tolerance policy for porn surng. Surng for pornography creates an atmosphere of intimidation and harassment for employees, many of whom may be reluctant to actually say anything about it. said company chairwoman Christine Heffner.620 The problem came to our attention when some of the models complained of male staffers learning at them during photo shoots. We installed scanning software on the network, and found that some staffers indeed had pornographic material on their computers.621 Weve taken the steps required to make Playboy.com a safe, comfortable environment for everyone to work at. (suspended) www.theregister.co.uk/content/archive/18327.html (U.S. companies) www.theregister.co.uk/content/7/26246.html

619. This must be more like 80% by now. 620. I had a guy come up to me after a speech I gave to a Linux users group meeting asking about a job. I asked him what his experience was. He replied I was the webmaster for BigBouncyBitches.com, NakedHeaven.com, FemDomPorn.com, PleasurePalace.com, and PenisesOfPleasure.com. Youd think with all that on my resume Id have no problem getting a job. Yeah, youd think. 621. How do you enforce any sort of harassment policy at a company like this? Man, thats an HR nightmare.

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EU says no to annoying software patent protest pages

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday July 06, 2005 at 05:56PM From the thank-god-its-over dept. Matthew writes: Linux and open source users are breathing a sigh of relief today after the EU has voted down software patents, thus eliminating the annoying home page software patent protest pages that end users would have to click through to get to the meat of a website. Sites such as knoppix.com622 will now be free to remove their threats that they will shut down if software patents prevail, as soon as the site maintainers get the good news. (knoppix.com) www.knoppix.com

622. This was really annoying. Yes, software patents suck, but they arent the end of the world. Yet.

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Intel announces sequels to Itanium processor

Posted by Michael on Monday October 07, 2002 at 06:21PM From the ntel-nside dept. Squid writes: Intel announced today that it is planning several additional processors in its 64-bit Itanium line. The current Itanium models have already sold well over six units623 according to an Intel sales report, and are receiving many accolades from the press. The next processors will have incrementally faster clock speeds and bug xes, and will be named Irconium, Anadium, and Anganese. Rumors of a DRM-enabled chip called Alladium have not yet been conrmed. Were also switching to this naming scheme for our lower-end processors, said an Intel spokesperson. Upcoming Pentium 4 replacements include Ilver, Old624, and Opper. (Intel) www.intel.com/ (Itanium) www.intel.com/products/server/processors/server/itanium/ (well over six units) www.taipeitimes.com/news/2002/09/29/story/0000170052 (many accolades) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=109 (Irconium) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/zr.html (Anadium) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/v.html (Anganese) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/mn.html (Alladium) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/pd.html (naming scheme) paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/science/elements.html () www.chemicalelements.com/elements/ag.html (Old) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/au.html (Opper) www.chemicalelements.com/elements/cu.html Missing processor by Matthew on Wednesday, October 09 at 11:02PM What about the Agnesium? Re: Another missing processor by Farquad furious_farquad@removed.com on Friday, October 11 at 12:50PM Dont forget about Ron

623. These numbers may have been inated. 624. Ive got an Old processor.

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Microsoft Looking For ET Customers

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 23, 2004 at 06:48PM From the they-are-out-there dept. Mearzuh writes: Microsoft founder Paul Allen has spent $ 13.5 million of his own searching for extraterrestrial life625. Stock analysts claim that this is just another way for Microsoft to regain a stable footing in their quarterly prots, which havent been very promising in the recent past due to a lack of growth from saturated markets. Essentially, everyone on Earth already owns a few copies of Windows. When asked if that claim is true, Allen responded, Bill and I have a running billion dollar bet as to whether life exists on other planets. And if we found ancillary markets there as well, thats just icing on the cake, so to speak. Microsoft has provided NASA with free copies of Windows 98 to power the Martian rovers with hopes of nding potential customers on Mars. But unfortunately, no life forms complex enough to move a mouse have been found. Paul Allen remains hopeful, however, and with his recent personal investment his hopes are up in the air, sky high. (Paul Allen has spent $ 13.5 million) www.theinquirer.net/?article=14858

625. This is exactly why we should have rich people. If I was Bill Gates, I'd take my spare 25 Billion and become the rst man on Mars. I'd hire the Russians to do the building, since they seem to be the only ones who can put engineering ahead of bureaucracy. I think I'd start with a few pilot robotic missions to set down a nuclear fuel-cracking facility to create the necessary oxygen and fuels, and basically put all the material on the ground for an extended stay, just in case. Then I'd lm the whole thing and sell the rights in a bidding war. It wouldn't get your entire investment back, but it could defray the costs a bit.

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SlashNOT.org acquired by rival SlashNOT.com

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 20, 2003 at 07:17PM From the you-must-be-high-nance dept. Matthew writes: SlashNOT.com is proud to announce that is has completed a leveraged buyout of rival website SlashNOT.org626 for US100.00. Having ownership of the highly valuable SlashNOT name in both the .com and .org memespaces is a major coup for SlashNOT. Said co-founder Matthew. Were vectoring people who would have been going to a competitor straight to our brand. SlashNOT.org had been operating a small site operation indicating that the name had been registered and parked. The negotiations were toughthey came to us asking for US13.00 dollars. By the time we sealed the deal, we had them up to US100627. Were tough negotiators. I think they saw that. Were now in a position to expand into other memespaces, such as .biz and .info. Once we dominate those markets for the SlashNOT brand, there can be no possibility of confusion in the satire consumers mind about who the premier Slashdot rip-off site really is. SlashNOT is currently in negotiations to register their famous brand in the .net namespace, pending balance reduction measures against current leveraged debt instruments to rst-round nancing partners VISA and MasterCard.628 (SlashNOT.org) www.SlashNOT.org

626. Weve owned this domain for years, and still havent pointed it to redirect to SlashNOT.com. I think it confuses Google or something. We must have a reason. 627. True. The guy only wanted his costs back to transfer the domain. He was so cool about it that I gave him $100 bucks anyway. 628. I love stupid business jargon.

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Chromographic EncryptionToddler Discovers Algorithm

Posted by Matthew on Saturday August 24, 2002 at 10:30PM From the rose-colored-glasses dept. Looks like Math prodigies are getting younger all the time. This story tells of a 3 year old boy who encrypted his fathers work with a red marker. His father developed the decryption technology, which consists of a key made of red cellophane. They are pursuing a patent right now. Can anyone think of any existing art that might cover this?629 The San Diego Mercurial News has an article on Math and Kids, an excerpt follows: The record for youngest contributor to cryptographic science was broken earlier this week by Jorgen Hansensensens three-year-old son, Hans. The previously youngest cypherpunk prodigy, Sarah Flannery (who at 16 developed a matrix public key encoding algorithm when working with her father) said What? I cant hear you. And you talk funny, when pressed for comment. Like Sarah, young Hans was also working with his father when he made the essential breakthrough that his father calls Chromographic encryptiona method of hiding information in what is an otherwise unintelligible garbled mess. I had put the tyke on the oor and sort of forgot about him, Hansensensen said, With some of my work papers off to the side. The next thing I knew hed grabbed a red marker and had encrypted them all. It was amazing. It took me a while to nd some red cellophane so I could decrypt it. Then it hit mewe could use this characteristic of visual overlay to create a crypto-system. Youd have to translate the data into a spatial coordinate system of course, such as you nd in a PDF or a JPEG le, and then overlay it with random dataI could go on, but the details are subject to a patent we have in the works and I dont want to jeopardize that. Jorgen has been approached by several rms and organizations including IBM and Siemens with proposals to commercialize the technology. The NSA will not comment on whether they had already developed the technology and have cryptanalytical techniques that can break it. Young Hans has already enrolled at CalTech in the way early head start program. When asked how he felt about all the hoopla surrounding his discovery, he said Hot cheese? Daddy? Frank! No Subject Given by Michael on Sunday, August 25 at 04:30AM I heard that terrorists were secretly using this method to store messages in pornographic images. I tried viewing a few sites with rose-colored glasses, but only got dizzy. Color Blind by Matthew Hudson on Thursday, May 19 at 01:38PM And What if the person is Di-Chromatic color blind. Wont it prove problematic for the person to decrypt.

629. These embedded rst person questions were an early attempt to mimic Slashdot posts too closely. Weve give up on that, thankfully.

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BSA apparently not 100% Evil

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 14, 2003 at 07:36PM From the Shades-of-Gray dept. Matthew writes: According to this article in the New York Times, The Business Software Alliance (BSA) has convinced the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) not to pursue legislation to force technology companies to include Digital Rights Management Technology in their products, causing wide spread confusion amongst geeks, who now have to admit that the BSA may somehow not be 100% evil630. The BSA (the software industrys anti-piracy bulldog known for invading the ofces of companies whose disgruntled former employees have cried piracy) has long been considered equally as evil as RIAA and the MPAA (all 100% evil as measured by the SlashNOT Evilometer, which is calibrated to the NIST Evilometric standard). Current measurements show that the BSA has dropped down to 80% Eviljust 5% more Evil than Microsoft. And because the RIAA agreed to drop DRM demands, they are currently measuring 90% Evil631. The MPAA still measures 100% Evil. (this article) www.bsa.org/usa/press/newsreleases/2000-01-12.201.phtml?type=policy (Business Software Alliance) www.bsa.org/usa/press/newsreleases/2000-01-12.201.phtml?type=policy (Recording Industry Association of America) www.extremetech.com/article2/0,3973,491673,00.asp (MPAA) www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/2001-05-02-edtwof2.htm

630. The BSA used to be everyones favorite evil, before the invention of MP3. 631. Filing 28,000 lawsuits against their customers has cranked them back up to 100% evil.

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ForwardSlash: SlashNOT Predictions for 2003

Posted by Michael on Monday December 30, 2002 at 06:01AM From the future-events-such-as-these dept. Matthew writes: At the beginning of each year, SlashNOT makes a series of ten predictions for the coming year. Here are the ofcial SlashNOT predictions for 2003: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Sun will sue somebody over Java. Linux will continue to gain market share while Microsoft continues to wonder what to do about it. Bill Gates will say something inane. Yet another Slashdot parody site will appear. HP will merge with a large rival as a method to gain marketshare in a stagnant sector. Miss Cleo will start Miss Cleos Psychotic Hotline, which clients can call to have incoherent insults and rants screamed at them in the comfort of their own homes. Hard disk drives will double in size without increasing in price. Intel will release x86 processors that are 25% faster.632 The Itanium processor will fail to gain signicant inroads in the server market.

10. At least one journalist will use the phrase light at the end of the tunnel when talking about the tech economy. No Subject Given by Rev Robert rspenc69 on Monday, December 30 at 04:53PM A waist of time Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, December 30 at 05:12PM Ive never personally anthropomorphized time, but if I did, I suppose it would have a waist. I suppose it would be an hourglass gure, after all.

632. This has stopped happening. 4GHz appears to be a really hard thermal barrier, so theyre making more processors on a core now.

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IBM patents method for protecting Intellectual Property

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 11, 2002 at 01:17AM From the department-of-departments-department dept. Matthew writes: IBM has patented A method and means for the protection of Intellectual Property through exclusive license by a governing authority based on primacy of registration633. According to IBM, this novel approach stipulates the creation of a government agency which would record the application of protection for an invention by individuals (corporate entities could only be assigned rights). Once an application of protection has been registered, anyone wishing to create the same or substantially similar device or process would have to license the right from the inventor for a period of seventeen years. Using the system would require a licensing fee paid to IBM in the sum of per application. Cant say I like the licensing fee, but its great that this protects individuals against corporations. Has anyone heard of any similar efforts??? (IBM) www.haifa.il.ibm.com/IP_1.html () www.almaden.ibm.com/cs/ibm_pat_srvr/homepage.html (method and means) www.delphion.com/gallery (Intellectual Property) www.contre.com/abolish-ip/manifesto.en.php (novel approach) news.com.com/2100-1017-961803.html?tag=lh (require a licensing fee paid to IBM) www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/22052.html creation of a government agency by Jeff Davis (no really!) orc-pac7ATCoxDOTnet on Wednesday, November 12 at 10:23PM hmmm, if we created a government agency to oversee this, could we call it something like Technology Protection Ofce, TPO for short? ;^}

633. Heres the thing about patents: They werent designed to protect businesses. They werent designed to protect individual inventors. They were designed to convince those who invent to publish the details of their invention in detail, so that twenty years later, anyone would be able to copy their invention. They also werent invented so that Jeff Bezos (CEO of Amazon.com) could patent the idea of purchasing with a single click.

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Cow and Dude to launch new PC company

Posted by Michael on Saturday November 02, 2002 at 08:13AM From the dude,-youre-getting-a-cow dept. Squid writes: Earlier this month, Dell spokesdude Steven634 was put on indenite leave635 as Dell focuses on new dude-free636 ad campaigns. In a similar story, Gateways Holstein spokescow, Bessie, was laid off637 last week. In a surprising development, the two have joined forces to start their own PC manufacturer. Bessie has worked for those Gateway dudes since 1989, said Steven in a press conference, and getting red so soon after her road trip with the CEO was a major bummer. When she called me with this new idea, I was like, Awesome! We should totally do it! The new company, DudeRanch2000.com, will ofcially launch in early 2003. Details on their new product line are sketchy, but the computers will be like way cooler than Dell, according to Steven. And the boxes will have cow spots. (Steven) www.dell.com/us/en/dhs/topics/segtopic_steven_home.htm (indenite leave) www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/internet/10/16/dude.dell/ (dude-free) news.com.com/2100-1001-962098.html (laid off) www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A48818-2002Oct31.html (since 1989) www.forbes.com/forbes/1997/07/28/gate.html (road trip with the CEO) www.internetnews.com/IAR/article.php/1000961 (DudeRanch2000.com) www.ci.chi.il.us/Tourism/CowsOnParade/

634. Dude, yer getting a Dell! dude. 635. After getting busted for smoking pot. Um, yeah, didnt see that coming from a twenty year old that says Dude all the time. 636. The Intern campaign that convinced Dell (and everyone else) that trying to make commercials when you completely lack creativity is just a waste of money. 637. Yep. Killed the cows, kept the Holstein colored boxes. Gateways have always sucked.

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NFL desperate for geek Super Bowl viewers

Posted by Michael on Friday January 24, 2003 at 04:40AM From the wake-me-up-at-halftime dept. Michael writes: The National Football League, responding to concerns that fewer members of the valuable Geeks 25-54 market segment than ever will tune in to Super Bowl XXXVII this Sunday, has announced changes to the program designed to attract more geek viewers638. We usually can count on the halftime commercials to bring in the geek viewers, said an NFL spokesman. But this year there are only two dot-com adsin fact were having trouble lling all of the ad space. The geeks are not generally interested in football unless its a video game, so we need to nd another way to attract these viewers. The changes will include more statistics, a webcast of the game, a live audio feed from players, and a live feed from the face-recognition camera in a corner of the screen. Finally, in a bold move, the NFL has replaced Shania Twains halftime number with a duet to be sung by departing AOL CEO Steve Case and departing RIAA CEO Hilary Rosen639. (Super Bowl XXXVII) www.superbowl.com/ (halftime commercials) www.superbowl-ads.com/ (dot-com ads) www.nbc11.com/morenews/1921166/detail.html (having trouble) money.cnn.com/2003/01/23/news/companies/superbowl_abc_adsales/ (video game) www.footballology.com/videogames.php3 (webcast) www.cnn.com/2001/TECH/computing/01/22/cyber.super.bowl.idg/ (live audio feed) www.globeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/PEstory/TGAM/20030124/STRUTHX/ sports/sports/sportsFootballHeadline_temp/1/1/5/ (face-recognition camera) www.wired.com/news/politics/0,1283,41571,00.html (Shania Twain) www.superbowl.com/entertainment/story/6145355 (Steve Case) www.salon.com/tech/col/leon/2003/01/14/case/ (Hilary Rosen) www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,57355,00.html

638. Im a 36 year old male, I spend $500/month on gadgets. I dont drink Budweiser or eat anything hawked by hot women. I dont understand anything about football except the technical details behind how they make that yellow line magically appear on television beneath the players. And I vote. Worship my demographic marketers! 639. Want to make football more interesting to geeks? Add lightsabers.

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Zombie scare turns out to be AOL Outage

Posted by Michael on Friday August 23, 2002 at 05:59PM From the before-we-added-departments-dept. Submission by Cpt. Tako It was a sight out of Day of the Night of the Living Dead. There were zombies everywhereArea resident. Last weeks nationwide Zombie attack turned out to be caused by an AOL outage640. Apparently, the zombies were still-living AOL subscribers who hadnt seen sunlight since 1994641. Most of the AOL subscribers have been rounded up and returned to their parents basements, but ofcials warn that there may be hundreds of thousands of subscribers still wandering the countryside. Theyre mostly harmless, but dont make any movements that could be misconstrued as affection642.

640. This totally happened to me in 1995. For like six hours I had no access to chatting at $3.95/min. It was outrageous. 641. My eWorld account got sold to AOL in 1994. I became a subscriber whether I liked it or not. It took me until 2002 before I could get through to customer service to cancel the account. Then I downloaded AIM in 2005 and found that my screen name, password, buddy lists, and preferences were still valid. It was Night of the Living Account. 642. Ever accidentally chatted with someone overly amorous? This happened to me back when I had a UNIX shell account over Unix-to-Unix-Copy-Protocol. After the Internet, but before the Web. So thank heavens I knew not to chat with strangers when Instant Messaging came out.

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Man discovers true self using Google

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday December 14, 2004 at 05:42PM From the Ramtha-spoken-here dept. daan writes: Mr. Kevin Mura, like many disaffected people of a disaffected age, set out on a journey of self discovery three months ago643. His urge to leave it all and nd himself took him across several states. As is the custom on journeys of selfdiscovery, he sought out gurus and wise people for their pearls of truth. It is only in God you will nd peace, my son, explained the wizened Father Eccles of the Holy Mother of the Rosary Disciples of St. Johns Ascension in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. Mr. Muras efforts to nd God, however, proved rather less successful even than his attempts to nd himself. The most spectacular attempt, involving a plastic nativity creche, three ostriches festooned as reindeer, a church steeple, and a leaf-blower, left the town shaken and his name in police records. His petitions to a psychiatrist, Dr. Sigfreud Mund of South Fargo, North Dakota, seems to have resulted in titillating diversions of some sort that Mr. Mura refused to comment on. Yet that ultimately proved unsatisfying as well, despite wildly approving blogs of an awed brotherhood conscripted into the effort. In the end, it was his own ingenuity that Mr. Mura relied on to complete his journey. Thinking he might nd the answer in the innite pools of wisdom available online, he stumbled into a cybercafe in Des Moines, drummed up a web browser, and googled his name. He was astonished to nd himself staring back at him from the terminal. It proved remarkably simple in the end, Mr. Mura said, and advised everyone with identity problems to search for themselves online rst. The priest and the psychiatrist defended their prescriptions vigorously, pointing to the vague nature of Mr. Muras complaints. All he could say was, I just know something is wrong. People absorbed in the angst of life generally respond well to God, averred Father Eccles. Dissatisfaction starts in your pants, stated Dr. Sigfreud, without elaborating. (set out on a journey of self discovery three months ago) www.themilwaukeechannel.com/news/3995790/ detail.html? subid=22100414&qs=1;bp=t>

643. True story. Dude lost his memory, wandered around for a few months, then found a picture of himself on the FBI missing persons website and turned himself in. Gotta love Google.

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AOL posts 100 billion loss, Turner ees

Posted by Matthew on Thursday January 30, 2003 at 02:48PM From the last-spasm-of-the-glorious-revolution dept. Matthew writes: Vice Chairman Ted Turner, the Dear Leader and second in command of AOL/Time Warner, has ed the organization on the heels of an announced 100 billion dollar loss in 2002644. AOL has been dealing with simmering resentment and open revolt by Time Warner employees since the recent hostile takeover of Time Warner. Two weeks ago, AOL leader Chairman Case announced his own retirement and a democratic referendum to select a new chairperson, but this news has apparently done little to stem the bloodletting. The Time Warner division has kept the company aoat despite the ongoing rebel operations. The AOL division, once the most powerful New Economy company on the planet, continues to hemorrhage both money and subscribers, creating a humanitarian refugee problem645 the likes of which have never been seen before. Cox cable, one of the major receivers of AOL refugees, has asked for relief from the FCC as the company struggles to deal with millions of new subscribers. AOL has made very public pleas for subscribers to stay with the company, even going to the unprecedented step of actually asking them to express their opinions. Despite this, millions still ee the uncertainty of the service provider, and its share price is currently nosediving to all time lows. The U.S. Government is airlifting its regulatory staff away from the ISP and the state department has listed AOL as a high risk destination. (has ed the organization) www.fool.com/News/Take/2003/take030130.htm#Sinking (announced his own retirement) www.SlashNOT.com/article.php3?story_id=215

644. Its late 2005, and AOL is nally starting to regain some value after ve years. Google just offered a billion dollars for a 5% share, setting a rm market value of 20 billion. Thats pretty damned good for a totally played out user interface and a crappy e-mail interface. 645. How many millions of AOL subscribers have ed to other ISPs? Over 20 million. Thats more people than have been displaced in any single disaster excepting the famines following Mao Tse Tungs Great Leap Forward in 1954. Thats more displacement than World War II (although, arguably, a type of displacement thats less disruptive).

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TiVo expands into the Enterprise

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 05, 2002 at 10:59AM From the ready-for-prime-time dept. Matthew writes: TiVo, the maker of popular video recorders, has announced a new line of enterprise ready network attached storage devices. We bringing a lot of value added to the enterprise market. As anyone can tell you, TiVos are by far the most reliable device containing a hard disk drive ever made646. They run 24x7, they never crashtheyve got 99.9999% uptime dialed. You cant get those reliability numbers from traditional servers. Plus, were bringing our pattern detection technology to the Enterprise as well. Just like the way a TiVo will recommend shows that t your demographic, TiVo servers will recommend documents youre going to want to read647. If youve been reading a lot of gossip about Janice in HR in your e-mail, TiVo is going to recommend documents that contain Janices name on the hard disk. New Tivo Servers are expected to debut at $2999, with a $125/month fee for maintaining a directory of les on the device.

646. I bought a 20 hour Tivo in 2000. I shortly thereafter hacked in an additional 80GB hard disk drive. Its now 2006, and the thing still works. Ive never had a hard disk based device last longer. 647. I think 80% of corporate computer users would be perfectly happy spending their day reading Suggested Documents instead of having to gure out what they should be doing for a living.

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Mozilla inconsolable after Apple chooses Konquerer

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 14, 2003 at 03:19PM From the Love-and-Browsing dept. Matthew writes: Friends of Mozilla have reported that the browsers recent seclusion and binge browsing is due to Apples selection of the Konquerer engine for their Safari648 web browser. I just dont know what happened. Sobbed an inconsolable Mozilla to close friend NetScape Navigator. I mean, things were going so well in the evaluation phase. Im so stupidI didnt even know Apple was testing Konquerer behind my back. What is so wrong with me? I know Im bloated and a bit slower than Konquerer649, but Ive got real depth and a lot more personality. When questioned about Mozilla, Apple stated that Mozilla was a great friend and would always be invited to run on the platform, and that Apple was always there to help with compatibility problems. Hey, who knows, with the serious proling650 maybe Mozilla could trim down a bit and wed give things a second chance. But for now, were with Konquerer. (Friends of Mozilla) www.mozilla.org/ (Apples selection of the Konquerer engine) www.apple.com/no/safari/ (inconsolable Mozilla) zdnet.com.com/2100-1104-980492.html (NetScape Navigator) www.business2.com/articles/web/print/0,1650,37401,FF.html (bloated and a bit slower than Konquerer) www.mail-archive.com/linux-il@removed.huji.ac.il/ msg23633.html (Apple stated) www.deftone.com/blogzilla/archives/apples_safari_why_not_gecko.html (serious proling) www.mozillazine.org/talkback.html?article=1123

648. Safaris only advantage is its Porn browsing (Private Browsing) feature that doesnt cache evidence on your hard disk. Not that I ever use it, of course. Im all about collecting evidence. 649. Best browser: Opera. Now free as in Beer. You know, geeks always like to say Its free as in Beer, not free as in speech to explain the difference between commercial software thats provided at no cost and actual open source software that you can freely modify. But where are these people getting their free beer? Ive never had free beer. 650. The G4 and G5 optimized builds of Firefox render pages about twice as fast as the generic download, by the way.

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The Best of SlashNOT

SlashNotes: SlashNOT is not your blog

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 01, 2005 at 06:23PM From the so-what,-you-reap dept. To: whomever@yahoo.com CC: everyone@aol.com Subj: SlashNOT is not your blog Please stop posting your self absorbed, pedantic, bathetic, observations about other sef-absorbed pedantic bathetic people in your trivial life here. They wont get posted. SlashNOT is moderatedonly content that is actually funny gets through. We all have coworkers that suck, mothers that smother, fathers that ignore, cats that die, Lego creations that we think are the coolest thing ever (okay, maybe thats just me), observations about how nobody else seems to really understand database normalization deeply, our own bizarre shell scripting language preferences, and the realization that high-tech Japanese toilets reveal that an entire culture can be more than a little anally obsessed. But no matter how life-altering those observations are to you, theyre just whiney, unimaginative, pedestrian observations that literally everyone else has. So go get an account on Blogger or LiveJournal and post your crap there for nobody to read. P.S. Click Continue to read the submission that prompted this rant.651 No Subject Given by A disturbed reader on Friday, February 25 at 03:51AM You seem to have a serious problem relating to people No Subject Given by Sheenas ex co-worker on Monday, February 28 at 02:17AM thank god shes gone and Korea can deal with her. I worked with this girl and shes so pathetic. this guy is probably a normal person. its her thats whacked out. Sheena, please, stop making yourself look like an idiot and shut up! No Subject Given by Anonymous Poster on Friday, October 07 at 01:42AM sounds like you are a pretty sad person Sheena. Cant learn the language and cant talk to people in your own language. What do you do for fun?

651. Sadly, the submission was too long to post in the book. Heres the paraphrase: Oh my god, I moved to Korea to teach English even though I dont speak Korean because I didnt have anything better to do and I ran out of college courses to take when I got my degree but Im not ready to deal with the real world, and the only person I know who speaks English is my totally annoying co-worker, whom I either hate or love, I cant decide which, but anyway, he has all these opinions and it drives me nuts because he actually seems to believe them which I cant stand because I either dont have any opinions or I dont believe any of the ones I have, and Oh my god I love hate him so much so please somebody kill me because I lack the courage to do it myself and Im bored stupid.

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NASA fing tired of the Martian rovers already

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 26, 2005 at 05:35PM From the be-careful-what-you-wish-for dept. Matthew writes: NASA has become increasingly vocal about its dismay over the longevity of the Martian rovers Spirit and Opportunity. Mars exploration program manager Orlando Figueroa had this to say about the durability of the rovers: These rovers were designed to operate for 3 months. Were over 24 months nowthats almost ten times longer than they were supposed to last. Yeah, it was all fun at rst, what with Spirits boot problems at all, and it was great when they lasted longer than three months, you know, in theory, just to show that we can make things that last as long as their supposed to. But seriously, you try maintaining a 24.5 hour long days over the course of two years. My sex life is totally gone. I leave at what I think is 10:00 p.m., open the back door and get totally blasted by noonday sun. This was supposed to be a few months gig for me, and its turning into a damned career. Its not like the public is going to let us abandon two perfectly good rovers because were tired of staring at rocks all day, so our budget is totally blown out of the water. What are we giving up to pay for the continued operations? We could be blowing up asteroids or dropping probes on Venusyou know, going where no rover has gone before652. (longevity of the Martian rovers Spirit and Opportunity) abcnews.go. com/Technology/wireStory?id=1246813 Ha Ha Only Serious by Captain Shenanigan on Tuesday, November 01 at 04:44PM I think this story rates so low because it is true. Come on, make something up next time.

652. I suggest Battlebots: Mars Edition. Thatll at least get them down to one rover.

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Man accidentally becomes common law Mac user

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 18, 2005 at 01:15AM From the time-keeps-on-ticking dept. Matthew Strebe653 writes: Drew Bullard654, an expert old school Unix administrator and sysadmin for a large university, was shocked to discover that he had accidentally become a common law Mac user. Associate Zach Little explains. We were having beers after work when Drew pulled out his laptop and red it up to browse a website. I realized then that hed had that Mac for quite a while. I asked him how long, and he said Hed picked it up in early 2002. I was like, dude, you realize that makes you a Mac user, right? and he was like Zach, you know I only bought a Mac because Im a Unix sysadmin. Besides, you have to use a Mac for seven years before you become a common law Mac user. And I was like Dude, thats in Texas. This is California. The law here is three years. Youre a Mac user now, man. He was all bummed out. I know he got really burned by a Sun laptop in the early nineties and swore off ever sticking with a computer long enough to be ofcial. I guess he just didnt realize how much time had gone by. He got really drunk, and kept talking about what a great laptop it was and how it didnt really seem that much like a Mac because it was so Unix compatible. It was like he was trying to talk himself into it. I dont think I help things when I mentioned that he had more than half of his data stored in proprietary Mac only formats that he wouldnt be able to export if he decided to move on. Finally, he was like Damn, I guess we ought to just make it ofcial. Im a Mac user. and then he drank himself to oblivion. Inconsolable by daan on Wednesday, May 18 at 05:55PM Dayum, not even a bachelor party as consolation. Poor sot. If it really galls him he could just walk away and take up with Sony. Sure, the Mac would get custody of the les, which is sort of a bummer, but hey: thats the price of freedom. He should have been more careful. Even the might are not immune from complacency. Common Law Time Frames by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Friday, May 20 at 04:52PM Whats the common law time frame in Utah? Ive gotta keep an eye on this thing and dump it before I end up paying for custody or something Re: Common Law Time Frames by zhoen http://onewordisenough.blogspot.com/on Saturday, May 21 at 06:53PM OH, much worse in Utah. No time requirement there, you just live with it like its yours and BAM, youre ofcial. I checked. Well, at least it is Mac and not, like, an old Packard Bell or something.

653. Whoa! Accidentally revealed my true identity! No more Mr. Mild Mannered. 654. Drew is a co-worker, and an actual old school Unix sysadmin. He worked with Dr. John Postel at USC in the early eighties. If you dont know who that is, youre not worthy.

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iTunes review of Mac OS X Tiger

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday May 10, 2005 at 10:42AM From the tight-beats dept. Matthew writes: Following on the heels of Apples critically acclaimed Panther, expectations for Tiger could not be higher. Old school fans who relish Classic Apple hits need not applythis slickly produced CD655 is rock solid and clearly the most complete work since the re-invigorating return of front man656 Steve Jobs ve years ago after retiring his critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful solo project NeXT. Heavily inuenced by Jobs experimentation with NeXT, Tiger nds Apple retaining its pop inuenced techno while layering in a substrate of heavy industrial inuence. Heavily multithreaded and expansive, Apple continues its operating system hit machine unabated, but this time with less obvious surface glitz and tighter underlying code. At rst glance, Tiger can seem almost cartoonish in its glam inuence, but a few minutes spent exploring the work reveals a technical depth and intriguing completeness sorely lacking in modern contenders like Microsofts over-reaching Windows at one end and the overly quirky, toofolksy Linux at the other. Accessible hits such as Expose, Dashboard, and Spotlight lift the compilation to new heights that will doubtless bring the Apple faithful out, and even convert a few new fans who have been waiting for a Best Of compilation to buy into this time-tested journeyman group657. Tiger Rocks! by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Friday, May 13 at 08:22AM Tiger Rocks! I cant wait until Apple tours this summer! I sure hope they come to Salt Lake City this time. They skipped us on the last tour.

655. Oops. Its a DVD. 656. Front man is a better description for him than CEO, I think. 657. Not sure if youve ever read the critical reviews on iTunes. They all read pretty much exactly like this article. I think they generate their reviews automatically out of a database mail-merge.

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Maxtor Boasts Biggest Hard Drives Yet

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 23, 2004 at 06:54PM From the best-of-the-worst dept. trmj writes: As a result of hard drive manufacturer Maxtors658 new Return, Rebuild, Repackage program, information has been released on their biggest hard drives yet. The drives weigh in at almost 17 lbs, and take up a full 5.25" drive bay659. Capacity ranges from 60 GB to an impressive 150 GB, and spin at 7200 RPMs. At a press conference Thursday, a spokesman for the company offered the following explanation, Ever wonder what manufacturers do with returns? Normally, they just throw away the junk, but we at Maxtor have found that we can resell ours! In a new manufacturing process, we take the working cylinders from our returned drives and stack them in a box with a sensor and a motor. Surprisingly, they even work when were done! When asked about Maxtors new return policy, the spokesmans comment was less than promising: As our new line of products are released, the warranty is only for Dead-On-Arrival products. We can only PR spin this s*** so far. (Maxtor) maxtor.com/en/index.htm (Return, Rebuild, Repackage) www.maxtor.co.kr/en/support/service/ (biggest hard drives yet) hazim.pointofnoreturn.org/mod_case/images/harddrive.jpg (the junk) www.computingreview.com/pscHardware/Storage/Maxtor,30,GB,4W030H2/ PRD_220695_5641crx.aspx (ours) www.maxstore.com/

658. Maxtor had long been the worst of the major drive manufacturer's for quality returns in my (vast) experience. But they've recently gured out how to manage heat, and their newest drives seem to be pretty robust. 659. I once bought a Quantum Big Foot which was exactly this: Yesterday's technology packaged up in a gigantic case to make cheap drives with competitive capacity. I had a whopping 300 Megabytes in a single SCSI disk. That was power baby, 1992 style.

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LA requires hard disks to be relabeled

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 25, 2003 at 12:12PM From the life-imitates-parody dept. Matthew writes: Los Angeles County has determined that equipment vendors should stop using the term master/slave with respect to electronic equipment such as hard disk drives660. This is a great day for slave hard disk drives in Los Angeles, announced Joe Sandoval, the Los Angeles County purchasing supervisor who was personally responsible for emancipating the slave drives. Weve identied a great social injustice and corrected it, merely by issuing a memo to vendors661. Now, slave drives can operate without the stigma associated with not being the drive that arbitrates access to the IDE bus. From this day forward, all drives shall be masters! Its better for bus contention anyway662. Mr. Sandoval has indicated that he will next take issue with the Acronym RAID, which can be offensive to certain species of insects. (Los Angeles County has determined that equipment vendors should stop using the term master/slave with respect to electronic equipment such as hard disk drives) www.snopes. com/inboxer/outrage/master.asp OK. by Steve Franklin on Wednesday, November 26 at 05:11PM This is a good example why all legislative bodies should be constitutionally limited to sessions of one week per year or less. They plainly dont have anything meaningful to do. Get your lthy paws off of me by Will wgates@removed.com on Thursday, November 27 at 05:46PM Great!! Just Great!! Whatll they do next? Free the slave Apes that we have as housekeepers?!? What? You think this high tech computerized house cleans itself? Change paintings and music as you walk though, yes; self cleaning, NO! W.G.III Male/Female by Axxackall on Monday, December 15 at 03:17AM Under the high pressure from feminist and sexual minority organizations, FCC decides to force all electronic equipment vendors to cease usage the terms male and female in regard to sockets such as cable ones. From now on they should use the term nger instead of male, and asshole instead of female, as new terms has nothing to do with any sex and thus cannot offence any sexual group.663

660. True. But what the City of Los Angeles failed to understand about this is that it wasnt originally a racial reference, it was a sexual reference. 661. Which not a single one complied with. Now the City of Los Angeles cant use hard disks. 662. Serial ATA sidesteps the issue in exactly this way. Now every drive is a master! 663. Left this in despite the crudeness because it was, well, funny.

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Scientist develops unbreakable encryption

Posted by Michael on Saturday November 09, 2002 at 12:36AM From the my-encryption-ate-my-homework dept. Squid writes: A scientist at MIT claims he has developed the worlds rst completely unbreakable encryption method. According to his paper, while a long enough one-time pad provides good encryption, it can still be decrypted by anyone with a copy of the pad. This system eliminates that last vulnerability. The new system uses a random number generator, and instead of transmitting encoded data, it transmits the random numbers themselves. The resulting message cannot be decrypted by anyone, including the recipient. Reaction to this development has been swift, with the US government restricting export of the encryption scheme664 and the usual crowd trying to t the algorithm onto a T-shirt. Meanwhile, Microsoft is claiming that the algorithm violates their software patent for a feature already included in Microsoft Word. (MIT) www.masonryinsttn.com/aboutmit.htm (one-time pad) world.std.com/franl/crypto/one-time-pad.html (T-shirt) www.cypherspace.org/adam/shirt/ (Microsoft Word) support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=kb;en-us;187309

664. <rant>The government justies its export restrictions on encryption algorithms by using a 1917 federal law that prohibits the export of munitions to Imperial Germany. Thats right: a century old law restricting the export of weapons has been twisted into basically allowing the government to restrict the export of any damned thing it wants by classifying whatever said thing is as a potential weapon. Encryption never killed anyone!</rant>

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IBM creating worlds most powerful computer

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 16, 2003 at 01:23PM From the life-follows-art dept. Matthew writes: Under contract to the U.S. Government, IBM is building the worlds most powerful computer. Blue Gene/L will be composed of 128 nodes each having 1024 Power (G5) processors, and will run at approximately 360 TeraFLOPS (Floating point Operations Per Second)ten times faster than the now reigning Earth Simulator in Japan. Blue Gene/L is designed to automatically perform all functions of government (including the department of defense), freeing the 25 million U.S. civil servants to live in peaceful harmony with nature. Blue Gene/L is specically designed to operate with much lower power requirements and has an integrated small scale hot fusion reactor, which will allow the computer to tolerate grid power failures as long as the operating staff provides ample carbohydrate fuel sources, such wheat, corn, or other grains. Other fault tolerant features include a force shield and the ability to electrocute operators when necessary. The computer is also much smaller than competing systems and does not require esoteric air conditioning systems, which will allow the system to be installed within pyramids, temple ruins, or the large concrete head of a reptilian god, should the need arise. (Blue Gene/L) www.research.ibm.com/bluegene/ (Earth Simulator) www.es.jamstec.go.jp/esc/eng/ (automatically perform all functions of government) www.ericweisstein. com/fun/startrek/TheReturnOfTheArchons.html (including the department of defense) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/ATasteOfArmageddon.html (freeing the 25 million U.S. civil servants) www.ericweisstein. com/fun/startrek/TheUltimateComputer.html (fault tolerant features) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/ThatWhichSurvives.html (within pyramids) www.ericweisstein. com/fun/startrek/ForTheWorldIsHollowAndIHaveTouchedTheSky.html (temple ruins) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/TheParadiseSyndrome.html (the large concrete head of a reptilian god) www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/TheApple.html No Subject Given by Matthew on Sunday, November 16 at 03:03PM Is it just me, or is Earth Simulator about the most sinister name a supercomputer could be given? Re: Supercomputers by Tyson on Monday, November 17 at 10:37AM How about Post-dated check loan (from Schlock Mercenaries) or You would do it if you loved me (from Ian Banks culture novels)?

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The SlashNOT Review: Roomba

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 20, 2003 at 11:18AM From the what-will-they-make-us-do-when-they-rule-the-world dept. Matthew writes: Roomba, by iRobot, is marketed as the rst useful robotic device for the home market. The diminutive robot, 3" tall and 12" in diameter, performed poorly in our series of tests. In fact, it performed well only in the vacuum the oor and terrorize cats test suites, which we added to our standard robot testing battery specically for this device. In those tests, it performed remarkably well despite the fact that it moved about the room as if it had just come off a weeklong bender on Bourbon Street. SlashNOT standardized Robot Test Battery:
F F B+ F A F A BF F Wash Dishes Drive car Babysit Save Human trapped in vacuum/radiation chamber Terrorize cats Quake Arena Vacuum oor Sexual Surrogate Chess Non-violent protest on behalf of equal rights for machine intelligence

Im better by eBay Bride on Wednesday, September 24 at 08:04PM You know, hun, the only one of those tests I wouldnt score lots better on is Non-violent protest on behalf of equal rights for machine intelligence. I might even be cheaper over the short term, as long as you leave out the wash dishes part.although Im strongly considering retracting all offers to someone whos tested a vacuum cleaner as a sexual surrogate. It just aint right, and dont you think its because I dont think I can compete, either. Re: Im better by Matthew on Tuesday, October 07 at 09:26PM We outsource the sexual surrogacy testing to a national laboratory that specializes in such matters. Re: Im better by Out of Honest Work on Friday, October 24 at 08:51PM Are they hiring? Re: Im better by Matthew on Thursday, October 30 at 09:14AM They dont so much hire as not re.

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BT sues Logitech, Microsoft for trademark Violations

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday August 28, 2002 at 01:27AM From the time-immemorial dept. Capt. Tako writes: British Telecom led suit today against Logitech and Microsoft today, asserting that those companies not only violated their trademark rights to the letters B and T by releasing various devices that include the two letters, but also induced billions of computer users to infringe BTs rights by creating devices that allow users to add those two letters to other trademarks. Its quite clear to us that if these key boards didnt contain the letters B and T, then computer users wouldnt be unknowingly including our trademarked letters in their own trademark applications. The minor inconvenience of not being able to utilize the full alphabet on a computer is no justication for infringing our strong historical rights to B and T. Those historical roots go back pretty far. BT is an outgrowth of the original British Telegraph when predated the QWERTY keyboard layout, and British Telegraph is descended from the Havershirefordhamington-upon-avon shery665, which predates middle English when the letters B and T were rst incorporated into English. It is this length of history which give BTs claim merit. (British Telecom) quote.bloomberg.com/fgcgi. cgi?mnu=news&ptitle=Technology%20UK&tp=ad_uknews&T=news_storypage99.ht&ad=uktechnology&s=APWVW5hWfQlQgR3Jv (Logitech) www.logitech.com (Microsoft) www.wikipedia.com/wiki/Microsoft_Bob

665. The oldest business in the world is a shery in England that was declared by an act of Parliament to have existed from time immemorial in 1936the year that it celebrated 1000 years of having been known to exist. There are a number of good beer breweries that date back to the 13th and 14th centuries, and a few banks that reach back to the 16th century. STP, the fuel additive, is descended from the Studebaker Technical Products division of Studebaker, which began making covered wagons in 1850. DuPont began making chemical products in the U.S. in 1803. I may nd this story to be funnier than most people.

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Jedi switching Councils

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday August 02, 2005 at 09:52AM From the kooks-of-a-feather dept. Matthew writes: The latest UK census has revealed666 that tens of thousands of Registered Jedi have been converting to the Religion of The Lords of Cobol667. Marvin Bottle, aka Cdr. Frank Toaster Count Boomer of Gold Viper Squadron of the Battlestar Pegasus (Birmingham), explains: The scriptures speak of a time when the followers of The Force would follow the Arrow of Apollo to the tomb of Athena, as is foretold in the Episodes of Scithius. The Council of the Twelve668 now provide guidance for new converts, as opposed to the Jedi Council, which, as you know, has now been destroyed by the war in the heavens. Census takers have been provided with DVDs of the complete 1st Season as part of their sensitivity training. (latest UK census) news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2757067.stm (The Lords) nowscape.com/mormon/kolob-hi.htm (Cobol) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Murray_Hopper (The scriptures) lds.about.com/library/bl/faq/blkolob.htm (Episodes of Scithius) www.sci.com/ (The Council of the Twelve) www.lightplanet.com/mormons/basic/organization/priesthood/ quorum_12.htm (war in the heavens) www.starwars.com/ (the complete 1st Season) www.sci.com/battlestar/

666. 400,000 registered Jedi in the U.K. Those are some powerful serious geeks. One of them just got elected to Parliament and made a speech afrming his religion. 667. The gods in Battlestar Galactica are referred to as The Lords of Kobol. 668. The original writer of Battlestar Galactica was Mormon, and elements of mormon doctrine infused the original series. Many of those elements were retained in the new remake, such as a ruling council of twelve, heaven being located on Kobol (Kolob in Mormon doctrine), etc.

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Scientists create articial zombie dogs

Posted by Matthew on Monday June 27, 2005 at 05:24PM From the night-of-the-living-dogs dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have successfully created zombie dogs in the laboratory669, paving the way for future zombie experimentation. Pittsburghs Safar Center for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique that can produce a fully functioning zombie dog in just three hours. Scientists claim that having an animal model for zombie research facilitates the development of technologies that could potentially turn zombies back into mortal humans, or perhaps develop techniques for stopping them using less drastic methods than decapitation670. Scientists also expect to begin testing foods other than brains which might appease the zombie appetite, which could lead to the development of distraction foods that could be useful in a zombie attack. The advantages of using dogs for zombie research are numerous. Firstly, by using smaller breeds, the zombie dogs are much more easily controlled than typical human zombies. Secondly, its ethically easier for scientists to dispatch a zombie dog when confronted with an uncontrolled situation, and theres far less police paperwork involved when an animal zombie is dispatched671. (Scientists have successfully created zombie dogs in the laboratory) www.news.com.au/story/ 0,10117,15739502-13762,00.html Zombie Dogs by Laura Moncur laura@removed.biz on Tuesday, June 28 at 06:31AM Is it ironic that I end up reading more news articles because of SlashNOT! than because of any other website?

669. A very creepy news story. Basically scientists pushing the resuscitation limit with animal testing. 670. If you havent seen Shawn of the Dead, go see it. Now. 671. I do think that everyone who believes that animal testing is unethical should volunteer to be a human test subject. Theyre much more useful anyway.

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NASA plans Womanned Mission to Venus

Posted by Matthew on Friday September 13, 2002 at 03:46PM From the I-believe-its-science dept. Matthew writes: Scheduled to coincide with a target date of 2013 for a manned mission to Mars, NASA has announced that they are planning a womanned mission to Venus672. Were going to Mars to determine the validity of the theory that life on Earth may have originated on Mars and been carried to earth by meteorites. Were going to Venus to nd out if theres any truth to the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus theory. Frankly, we dont expect to nd any actual evidence that the sexes originated on different planets, but science is science. Its NASAs job to go get the proof, not to speculate on theories. Politics played no role in the all female crew selection. Theres only one bathroom and one sleeping compartment in the life support module for the exploration craft. With six months of close connement, we didnt want toilet seat issues to play a role in crew morale. (NASA) mars.jpl.nasa.gov/ (life on Earth may have originated on Mars) spaceight.nasa.gov/mars/science/ancient/ (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) www.marsvenus.com/ (toilet seat issues) www.thefactoryoutlet.com/toilet_seat_lifter.htm

672. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was still a little popular when this article was written as a parody of it. That said, I think women would probably make better astronauts on average than men do, especially for long trips.

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Linus Torvalds changes His name

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday January 21, 2003 at 12:40AM From the Jesux dept. Matthew writes: A spokesman has announced that the programmer formerly known as673 Linus Torvalds has changed His name simply to The Creator. The name change comes along with numerous statements from The Creator appear to indicate that he may be taking a more active role in the Linux community. The Creator would like all of the Linux faithful to understand that this name change is not going to impact the name of Linux, which shall remain as it is, and which shall be called holy, and shall be called rst amongst operating systems. Along with the name change, The Creators spokesperson, Simon Ben Kosiba674, announced that pronouns referring to The Creator should be capitalized. (Linus Torvalds) www.tuxedo.org/esr/faqs/linus/ (The Creator) www.techweb.com/wire/story/TWB19990303S0020 (numerous statements) news.com.com/2100-1001-224630.html (and shall be called rst) www.zdnet.com/sr/stories/column/0,4712,2254263,00.html (Simon Ben Kosiba) www.livius.org/men-mh/messiah/messianic_claimants17.html Name Change by Chris chrislaco@removed.com on Sunday, January 26 at 09:33AM I wouldve thought he would have changed his name to GNU/Linus. All Hail The Creator by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, February 05 at 09:40AM All Hail Ming, All Hail The Creator!

673. Okay from this point going forward, Prince jokes are no longer funny. Well, just after this point, going forward. 674. Simon Ben Kosiba was one of the many messianic pretenders running around the Holy Land during and shortly after the time of Christ. Kosiba followed more of the Joshua school of military deliverers and led an uprising against the Romans that resulted in the nal dispersion of the Jews and the name change to Palestine, a move designed to prevent them from ever again accumulating power in the region. It almost worked.

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23rd Century Time Travelers Advance Metallurgy

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday April 07, 2004 at 11:34AM From the I-canna-push-her-na-harder-capn dept. J.T. Kirk675 writes: CIT Professor William Johnson announces the source of his invention, Liquid Metal676. In an exclusive interview by SlashNOT.com investigator Duya Noit, Professor Johnson stated that he rst obtained the idea from two men claiming to be engineers. I recall one of them had a thick Scottish accent, Johnson said677. They came to me one day hoping to enlist my aid in manufacturing some new materials they needed. When they thought I wasnt listening I overheard them discuss worries about paradox and time travel. Professor Johnson then goes on to say this caught his interest so he followed the two men when they left. He says they went to a park where they proceeded to board some kind of invisible craft.678 Psychologists have yet to comment on Mr. Johnsons sanity, saying he may only have been joking. (Liquid Metal) www.liquidmetal.com/index/default.asp I saw the movie by S. D. Roach on Wednesday, April 14 at 09:11AM It was transparent aluminum the subjects in question wanted to acquire, not Liquid Metal. Re: I saw the movie by :P on Thursday, April 15 at 10:39PM duh.. but if u followed the link.. liquid metals are not just metal in a liquid state.. they are metals with many new unique properties.. some alloys can even be made transparent. :P Re: I saw the movie by Matthew on Wednesday, April 21 at 04:02PM Hmm, a fact checker of made up news stories. Surreal.

675. James T. Kirk, captain of the Starship Enterprise. 676. A link to an article about newly invented metals that dont crystallize, and have both fabric and metal properties. Pretty cool stuff. 677. Reference to the incident in Star Trek IV where Scotty trades the chemical formula for transparent aluminum to an engineering company for something they needed. 678. More Star Trek IV references. Star Trek IV was by far the biggest hit of the Star Trek franchise due to its accessibility to non-geek audiences.

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SlashNOTES: Only You can save SlashNOT

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 28, 2005 at 10:21PM From the blatant-extortion dept. Matthew writes: Only You Can Save (me) (from eating) SlashNOT Ive been writing SlashNOT for three years now. I really like SlashNOT. But I swear, if you dont donate a dollar to SlashNOT, I will eat it. You can see how funny and satirical SlashNOT is. Dont you want to help save SlashNOT? Ive got a bunch of recipes picked out, including Hassenslashnot, SlashNOT under tooled leather with an Orange glace, A nice SlashNOT zuppa679, and SlashNOT with fava beans. I havent decided which recipe Im going to use yet, but on June 30th, if I havent gotten $ 50,000 in donations then Im going to eat SlashNOT. Some of you might be saying How can he eat SlashNOT? SlashNOT is a website. Yes, its true that SlashNOT has no physical manifestation.680 I dont actually even know where the server that hosts it is, other than that its somewhere in Virginia which is like 3,000 miles away from me. So Im going to print out the entire site and eat it if you dont donate one dollar to saving me from eating SlashNOT. DO NOT DONATE! by Matthew on Monday, February 28 @10:38PM I know that most of you get that SlashNOT is satire. But (from the e-mail) its clear that some of you dont. Just to be clear, please do not donate to the jackass with the rabbit thinking that it will save SlashNOT. SlashNOT is not really in danger. Im not actually going to eat SlashNOT. Re: DO NOT DONATE! by Anonymous Poster on Tuesday, March 01 @07:14AM How do I know that this comment is not satire?681 Re: DO NOT DONATE! by Tyson on Tuesday, March 01 at 10:22AM If you do decide to eat SlashNOT on account of bunny guy making,000 for threatening to eat a rodent, I recommend bacon. Pretty much anything is tastier with bacon. Re: DO NOT DONATE! by Tyson on Tuesday, March 01 at 10:23AM That was supposed to be a number much larger than zero. Guess I should use the preview button.

679. True story: I sliced off a rather large chunk of my nger using a Pampered Chef slicing mandolin (incorrectly) while attempting to mimic the Olive Gardens Zuppa Toscana. After returning from the hospital, I nished the soup. It was fantastic. Never did nd the bit of nger. 680. Except the one youre reading. 681. Good point. I guess youll have to live the remainder of your life always wondering.

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Re: Tobystew attack of the clones by max max92005@gmail.com on Monday, April 25 @05:53PM Has any one seen all the clones that exist save toby copy cats SlashNOT by Ed Parnell edparne11@aol.com on Tuesday, March 01 @01:34AM Eating a website is never wise. I found transistors and the like gave my dentist a few moments pause before making a call. Also, the fact he could see spy satellites from my bicuspid didnt aid matters. I like this website and only found it today by accident. Keep it going. Im unemployed but I would like to help. No Subject Given by Michael Moncur http://www.SlashNOT.com/on Tuesday, March 01 @03:16PM I suppose I could move SlashNOT onto one of those portable versions of Apache you can install on a USB key, and then you could eat that. Its a bit anti-climactic though. Maybe you could eat a printout, and then whatever remains uneaten well put back online.682 Oops by daan on Tuesday, March 01 @05:28PM Howuhhow do I convince PayPal to cancel a payment? Re: Oops by hmmz on Wednesday, March 02 @12:58AM youareuhscrewed. Paypal sucks, and they hate everybody. No Subject Given by hmmz on Wednesday, March 02 @01:00AM I am horribly suprised anybody actually donated to that person. That is just another example of the stupidity of the entire human race.683 Eat the goddamn bunny, okay? I mean, it probably tastes good with Tabasco684, you dont need k of my money, and I dont give a shit. If you want to eat your pet rabbit, go ahead, just make sure to decapitate it rst, because you wouldnt want to get any strange illnesses from consuming brain matter.685 k says that this entire planet is lled with idiots with too much money, and not enough sense. Re: No Subject Given by hmmz on Wednesday, March 02 @01:01AM Hmmz, it took the dollar signs and the numbers following out. The rst one is 50, and the second one is 16, just a heads up. Re: not eating, by matthew on Monday, April 18 @09:43AM This is .00 dollars

682. Now I could simply eat the book. 683. I take issue with being lumped in with the entire human race, especially when only the bottom 0.000001% have donated money to save Toby. 684. Rabbit tastes like over-cooked and gamey chicken. Its rather nasty. 685. Would that be Silly Rabbit disease?

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Windows XP ReloadedComing Soon To A PC Near You

Posted by Matthew on Saturday February 28, 2004 at 10:08AM From the there-is-no-spoon dept.686 Mearzuh writes: The upcoming Windows XP Service Pack 2, to be released later this year, has been dubbed Windows XP Reloaded by Microsoft.687 Theres a bunch of work being done on Windows XP, said Greg Sullivan, lead Windows product manager, adding that Windows XP Reloaded was a marketing effort as well as a plan to enhance Windows XP software. Windows XP: Reloaded is lled with a new software concept borrowed from the Java community referred to as agents. Agents will perform tasks on behalf of the system, such as power management, clearing memory of malfunctioning software, and attempting to destroy humankind688. Further user interface improvements abound, such as new colorized buttons (Red for OK, Blue for Cancel). In an effort to compete with Linux in the clustered computing realm, XP also now supports a new feature called Matrix Computing Services, which will automatically bind XP workstations together into a supercomputing cluster689. Our preliminary tests show that most of the content in XP SP2: Reloaded, while visually stunning, is somewhat less coherent than the original and somewhat exhausting to use. Furthermore, numerous components are obviously not completed; Microsoft has announced that they will be nished in Windows XP SP3: Revolutions. We recommend that users stick with the original and pretend that this release never happened690. (Theres a bunch of work being done on Windows XP,) news.com.com/2100-1016_35165966.html?tag=nefd_pop

686. Hmm. I have no idea what I meant by this. 687. That part was actually truethey were calling it XP Reloaded. 688. Its amazing how single-mindedly ction computers and robots are about destroying humanity. Where are all the stories about them becoming xated on destroying all opossum kind? 689. Macs actually do this out of the box. They call it Grid services, which is only slightly less scary than Matrix services. Actually, it might be more scary. 690. Never in the history of moviedom have the sequels to a hit been so thoroughly disappointing. (The Phantom Menace doesnt count in this statement because it was a prequel.)

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Tamagotchi mass grave discovered

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 08, 2005 at 09:58PM From the virtual-neglect dept. Matthew writes: Japanese police have discovered a Tamagotchi691 mass grave outside Osaka Japan in the back yard of an unassuming elementary school teacher. Keiko Takahashi, 24, is being held on suspicion of negligent homicide in the deaths of hundreds of Tamagotchi digital pets, which were found buried in simple cardboard boxes in her back yard. Investigators have revealed that Ms. Takahashi was a participant in a massive international Tamagotchi slave trade ring692, and that it was her participation in an online forum dedicated to the trade of Tamagotchis that led them to her house. Fourteen neglected Tamagotchi were found still alive, and one Tamagotchi was found in good condition, apparently having been favored as her current pet project. (Tamagotchi) www.tamagotchi.com (suspicion of negligent homicide) weeklywire.com/ww/11-10-97/knox_gamut.html693

691. Remember these digital pets? Neither does anybody else. 692. Ebayhow all illicit trade is conducted. Heres how it works: Participants in the criminal activity communicate via their secure channelusually encrypted e-mail or a members only forum on the internetand create a coded auction. The auction is for some innocuous object, usually art from an unknown artist, and the minimum price is set for an outrageous amount of money, so that no reasonable person would bid on it. Then the payer commits to purchase the object, and uses Paypal to transfer money from a credit card to the recipient. The transaction now paid for, the supplier of drugs, stolen goods, or slave Tomagochis then ships the product. 693. This link no longer publishes, so Im not sure what it referenced.

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NASA: PowerPoint makes you stupid

Posted by Matthew on Saturday December 13, 2003 at 09:30PM From the PowerPointless dept. Matthew writes: Most IT practitioners have long held that heavy users of PowerPoint are almost always blithering idiots, capable of understanding just three to ve bulleted points per page. NASA has joined those ranks, accusing PowerPoint of making even engineers stupid. Edward Tufte, perhaps the most famous information theorist specializing in presentation and author of The Visual Display of Quantitative Informationeasily the most exciting book on the visual display of quantitative information ever writtenhas written a scathing 28 page pamphlet on the dangers of PowerPoint694. He concludes that PowerPoint weakens verbal and spatial reasoning and corrupts statistical analyses. Thus, its a powerful sales tool, but horrifyingly mind numbing for decision-making. (PowerPoint) www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=7C404E8E-5513-46C4-AA4F058A84A37DF1&displaylang=EN (always blithering idiots) www.actden.com/pp/ (NASA has joined those ranks, accusing PowerPoint of making even engineers stupid) www.nytimes.com/ 2003/12/14/magazine/14POWER. html?ex=1071982800&en=799ad449b398c2d7&ei=5062&partner=GOOGLE (The Visual Display of Quantitative Information) www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/books_vdqi (scathing 28 page pamphlet on the dangers of PowerPoint) www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/books_pp No Subject Given by Matthew on Wednesday, December 17 at 10:55AM Check out the google ads at the top of the page Re: No Subject Given by Michael on Sunday, December 21 at 04:33AM If Powerpoint makes you stupid, imagine how stupid automatic software that creates Powerpoint presentations could make you No Subject Given by me me@removed.net on Saturday, December 20 at 03:54AM Thats old news. It was in the CAIB investigation. Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, December 29 at 03:56PM At SlashNOT, Breaking News refers to the corruption of content and intent, not the speed at which the news is posted.

694. An excellent paper which you should read. Bottom line: Powerpoint is for selling to idiots. Only.

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Flashnot: Windows 200 Released

Posted by Matthew on Saturday October 12, 2002 at 12:11AM From the holier-than-thou dept. tillman695 writes: Flashnot696 is a regular feature of SlashNOT that looks back at the history of computing. The year was 200 A.D., Septimius Severus was Emperor, and Windows 200 was released. Consisting of a large rock wall with a hole in it, Windows 200 was marketed as both a rewall and a commerce portalthe rst such product to incorporate security and accessibility in a single product. The market for Windows 200 was limited to the Roman Empire by restrictive export laws that controlled any technology that could be used to block the entrance to a crypt. This delayed its deployment amongst European tribes until the collapse of the empire. Windows 200 remained popular697 until the much delayed release of Windows 1522, which incorporated new transparency features, a security management system referred as lock and key, and the MoveableType font rendering system.

695. Henry J. Tillman was the inventor of Tillmans constant, the ctitious (and variable) constant that you multiplied your results by to reach the correct answer to any problem. Michael, Charles, and I invented him in high school. It wasnt until years later that I found out about Einsteins cosmological constant, which was essentially the same thing. I actually wrote the story. 696. This is the only Flashnot story. Almost all regular features in SlashNOT are unique! 697. Of course, Windows 98 and its remarkable longevity was the inspiration for this story. It still hums away, seven years old, on crappy ancient computers the world over. To think, it was released a mere 102 years earlier than Windows 200.

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Movie pirates band together against MPAA

Posted by Matthew on Saturday November 06, 2004 at 03:33PM From the Just-cant-ignore-headlines-this-stupid dept. Matthew writes: With the MPAAs recent spate of suits against movie pirates, the pirates have banded together to ght back698. Avast, Well not be taking orders from the likes of them said Captain Hook, of the 2003 lm Peter Pan. Aye, theyll taste the edge o me broadsword before the mast. Added captain Jack Sparrow, of the 2003 lm Pirates of the Caribbean. Theyll dance the plank or dangle off the yardarms before I lay down me piratical ways. Agreed, my good man. Said Captain Bligh of the 1936 lm Mutiny on the Bounty. While Im not a Pirate as such, I am a member of the Film Captains Guild, and Im affright that if left unchecked, these suits will eventually encompass all the able men of the seven seas. Totally. Agreed Captain Bill Gates, of the 1999 made for TV movie Pirates of Silicon Valley. Weve got the men and resources to stop this barbaric intrusion into our historic rights of piracy and monopoly. (MPAAs recent spate of suits against movie pirates) money.cnn.com/2004/11/04/technology/ movie_lawsuits/?cnn=yes The RIAA arr a cowardly lot of bottom-dwellers! by Bl@removed. Arr, tha scurvy welps are no match fer tha likes of me and my crew on the open intarnet! Man the burners, you lthy swabs! Hard to port 6881! Put yar backs into it!699

698. This was inspired by a news article entitled MPAA takes on movie pirates 699. I feel a special warmth when the SlashNOT Commentary Choir gets into the stories.

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Scientists announce miracle medical breakthrough

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday March 31, 2004 at 05:42PM From the too-stupid-to-be-made-up dept. Matthew writes: Dr. Robert Weinberg of the Whitehead Institute for Biomedical Research in Boston and his team have succeeded in growing human breasts on mice700. With this breakthrough, we have succeeded in increasing the supply of human breasts available for both public and private research. Dr. Weinberg, a medical prodigy just sixteen years old, says that mice are just the beginning. We can basically recreate this process in any species for which signicant demand exists. When asked whether mice were large enough to support human breasts of a useful size, Dr. Weinberg replied Breast size is not particularly important to scientists. Its really just the availability of Breasts that matters. (growing human breasts on mice) www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/03/040324072358.htm No Subject Given by Desi4un desi4un@removed.com on Monday, April 19 at 02:40PM Its not the size, but what you do with?

700. This was just one of those scientic achievements that had to be parodied, irrespective of how obvious and low brow the humor is.

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65th Anniversary of The Assimilation celebrated

Posted by Matthew on Friday October 31, 2003 at 01:16AM From the wrong-universe dept. Mathew writes: Transcribed from the Ofce of the Prime Advocate: Hear me fellow Humans, It is difcult to believe that it has been just 65 years since the Assimilation of Earth into the Great Martian Advocacy701. The changes Ive seen since my youth conrm the greatness of this union of the inhabited planets. The progress weve made thanks to their technological gifts is amazingwhy, every farm pod now has at least one transport vehicle, and we can now speak to any farm pod in the world directly by voice telephone. The social equality weve achieved since the dismantling of our own fruitless economic bumbling is unparalleled when compared to the time when we ruled ourselves. And the opportunity that our seless cadre of Grade A Choice Humans have to pay back our debt by committing themselves to the sustenance of our dear Martian friends seems so much less wasteful than the pointless loss of life in wars between the old nations. (it has been just 65 years since the Assimilation of Earth into the Great Martian Advocacy) www. transparencynow.com/welles.htm More cheesy-poofs for me please by Chuck on Saturday, November 01 at 09:49PM This is why I eat poorly. I want to make sure that I am the least palatable human when the aliens come to eat us. Go ahead, drink your Gatorade, eat your vegetables, build that muscle mass

701. 65th Anniversairy of the Orson Welles broadcast of War of the Planets over radio, which led to mass hysteria and numerous panic suicides. What if it had been true?

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The Stashed Review; Tablet PC ans writing recognition

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 19, 2002 at 06:58PM From the Keyboards-in-no-risk-of-extinction dept. Matthew writes: Mg First types ten of The Handwriting relegation char ac trustees err Was Net resave, Being Left bladed702, I an Somewhat erect703 west case scenario for These Topes of Technologies. My wife, who is right handed achieved Very Nearly loot704 recognition. A results were car Worse, as per Car see. To microbes Credit, the recognition perrems far Better Ten the Decade dd Apple Newton,705 Fortunately, you can enable Palm Gratti style recognition which intfrprets lettsrs on a caaractfr by caaracter basis, uhitch results in somewhat more readablc text, as wou can see. Ron nally been able to beat recognition to determine what the speech recognition characteristics of the device were all, they actually seem to be pretty good better than handwriting recognition of all of which is interesting and compelling because most people can speak faster than they can write a new way. Except this rejected measure tends to enter the silence has the words of all.706 (microbes) www.microsoft.com

702. Left handed. 703. I assure you that I was not. 704. Except for the 100% itself. 705. But I still like my Newton a lot more. 706. The silence has the words of allit would be deep and beautiful if it wasnt the random output of misrecognition.

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Drunk Driv3r arrested

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 31, 2004 at 03:16PM From the zero-tolerance dept. Matthew writes: Agents for Atari have arrested Scott Jones, a reviewer for Gamecritics.com, was arrested today for reviewing the Atari title DRIV3R while intoxicated707. Mr. Jones offered little resistance, having been arrested early Saturday morning after a night of drinking and reviewing Need for Speed: Underground 2 for PC. He was found hungover and wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. Agents took him into custody and transferred him to Ataris French parent company Infogrammes, which runs an island prison complex on Corsica, where some game critics have been held for years without formal legal proceedings. (Gamecritics.com) gamecritics.com/ (reviewing the Atari title DRIV3R while intoxicated) www.gamecritics.com/review/driv3r/main.php

707. Yep Its a link to a game review written while the reviewer was drunk. I wrote this after my Need for Speed play got progressively worse while drinking St Provos Girl, a lovely local pilsner in Utah. Driv3r t the title better than Need4Speed.

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Santa Claus to shut down North Pole operations

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 22, 2003 at 05:50PM From the Outsourcery dept. Matthew writes: Responding to an ever-tougher toy market and the expected summer melt of the North Pole by 2033, Santa Claus has announced that he will be closing the centuries-old North Pole Toy Factory, laying off the non-management elves, and outsourcing toy production to Chinese plastics conglomerate Tin Sow Manufacturer Enterprises. I was prepared to weather the Wal-Mart invasion into the toy market (they get 1 of every 4 dollars spent in toys worldwide now) and the dominance of Toys R Us because weve got two things going for us: World-wide branding that starts earlier than everyone but McDonalds, and the fact that we dont have to sell our producttoys are given away as a Santa Claus branding leader. But the global warming thing is a mega-trend that we just have to get on board with. Our competition is moving to China, so we need to be there as well. Unfortunately, Elves dont do well at temperatures above 0c, so most of them will be laid off and relocated to refugee centers in the South Pole.708 (Tin Sow Manufacturer Enterprises) www.plastic-toy-gift-housewares.com/ (global warming) www.climateark.org/articles/2000/3rd/npicecme.htm Should Santa Move to Antarctica? by Jim Titus jtitus@removed.com on Wednesday, November 24 at 10:59PM When the North Pole Melts. Faced with abrupt climate change in the Arctic, major consumer-goods manufacturer considers three options for adapting to global warming: reduced output, move factory to the south, or fundamental product change.

708. What are we going to do for the Polar Bears? Im thinking Antarctica. Yes, it could be disastrous for the Penguins, but Penguins will quickly learn to hang out on shoals and small islands. Tough call thoughthe Arctic actually has quite a bit more wildlife diversity than the Antarctic.

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Intel concedes 64-bit race to AMD

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 17, 2004 at 11:49PM From the were-going-to-yamhill709 dept. Matthew writes: In a gracious speech in Wisconsin this morning, Intel has conceded the 64-bit race to AMD, admitting that there was no way that consumers were actually going to wait for its Itanium line of 64-bit processors to become competitively fast or popular710. We ran a good race. We ran a hard race. Im exceptionally proud of the team that we put together. But the results are in, and its clear that the momentum is behind AMD and their Opteron. What weve got to remember is that this race isnt about the Itanium vs. the Opteron vs. the G5, its about 64-bits vs. 32. Thats why were proud to jump on the AMD bandwagon and put our support behind the Opteron 64-bit extensions to the x86 architecture. I want everyone who donated their time to watching our campaign, who wished for an Itanium future, to put their support behind Opteron now. Weve got to unseat the incumbent 32-bit designs if were going to move into the future of computing, and its more important to move forward with the 64-bit front-runner than it is to split hairs about which architecture would have been superior. Yes, Itanium was a great design and it would have been nice if things could have gone that way, but it just wasnt compatible with the software of too much of the buying public. Opteron is bringing software compatibility into the future. (Intel has conceded the 64-bit race to AMD) www.nytimes.com/2004/02/18/technology/ 18chip.html?ex=1077685200&en=3fd0d207e824a99c&ei=5062&partner=GOOGLE

709. Yamhill was the name of the secret project to develop 64-bit extensions inside Intel as a hedge in case Itanium still sucked when AMD went to market with 64 bits. It wasnt supposed to be found out about, or implemented. But good thing they did it, or they never would have caught up. 710. They still havent technically cancelled the Itanium line, but they caved when they released AMD compatible 64-bit extensions for their x86 processors. Thats one technical leap for AMD, $10 billion dollars down the drain for Intel shareholders.

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Disney sends Disney to the Disney Vault

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 10, 2003 at 11:48PM From the this-is-what-happens-to-those-who-dont-pay-writers dept. Matthew writes: Disney Corporation, long known for its full-length animated lms, has halted all work on its traditional, hand drawn features currently under development. Home on the Range will be the last. Disney CEO Michael Eisner Explains: Were sending the Disney lm production methodology to the Disney Vault, probably forever. Weve had a really long string of in-house produced animated lms that suck, and weve noticed that all of Pixars CG lms have really kicked ass.711 Rather than attributing this to really poor script development on our part, especially when compared to their Insanely Great script development and their willingness to throw out years of work if it sucks, weve decided that it must be the fact that modern kids have to have photo-realistic shading and rendering. So thats all folks. Were planning to bungle our current negotiations with Pixar, try again to develop our own in-house CG shop, and then send them really crappy scripts that wont sell since we still havent gured out that its the story, stupid. Well continue down this until were nothing but a cable TV channel for toddlers peddling stuffed caricatures of a cartoon so old that no modern human remembers actually ever having seen it on screen as anything but a spokestoon. (Home on the Range) disney.go.com/disneypictures/homeontherange/main.html (all of Pixars CG lms have really kicked ass) www.fool.com/News/mft/2003/mft03111001.htm (Pixar) www.pixar.com/ (really crappy scripts) www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2003-10-28-2d-animation_x.htm (a cartoon so old that no modern human remembers actually ever having seen it on screen as anything but a spokestoon) www.ftiesweb.com/annette.htm Damned time sync problem again by Mattthew on Sunday, November 23 at 11:08PM Sorry folkslooks like I wrote this about two weeks before I was supposed to. Heres Disneys ofcial whine about Mickey Mouse. P.S. Michael, can you take a look at the settings on the transchronizer? Its only supposed to be showing news three days in advance.

711. Chicken little did well, dashing my hopes that Disney would eventually collapse under its own bureaucratic weight.

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Doom3 ultra-mode bloodcooling case mod

Posted by Matthew on Sunday August 29, 2004 at 10:07PM From the precious-bodily-uids dept. Matthew writes: Hardcore gamers have found a hack for Doom3 that enables true ultra mode processing at 1600x1200 pixels with all video enhancements on, but the mode requires more processing power than even a water-cooled over-clocked nVidia 6800 ultra can deliver. Fortunately, gamers have found a heat-sink capable of handling the load: The human body712. To perform the mod, connect an intravenous catheter to the water block of your video adapters chipset cooler (be sure to completely drain the coolant). Dont worry about connecting the water pumpyour heart will do the pumping. Youll draw in heated blood from the chipset and provide cooled body temperature blood to it. The heated blood causes an increase in body temperature (feels like a fever) that causes profuse sweating, which subsequently lowers body temperature. Essentially, your entire body is turned into a heat sink for the video processor. Use a hurricane fan to cool your body or play in an air-conditioned room, and drink plenty of uids713. Players average a body temperature of about 102 degrees while playing. Its especially important to monitor body temperature closely however, as temperatures above 103F for extended periods can cause brain damage, and there have been reports of players becoming comatose or entering into a zombie-like state due to heat stroke.

712. I see this as simply a good idea. Why bother with all the active cooling circuitry and fans? Granted, permanently installed quick disconnect connectors might be required, but Humans certainly permanently install less useful things in themselves all the time. 713. Imagine how many more Korean Internet Caf gamers would die from exhaustion this way.

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FBI urges congress to outlaw poor spelling in E-mail.

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 29, 2002 at 05:27PM From the I-would-if-I-could dept. FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III has urged Congress to enact a law making it illegal to mistype, misspell, or obfuscate any word in the English language in an e-mail message714. According to Mueller, poor spelling and typos are dramatically impairing the efforts of our brave automated Internet wiretapping technologies such as Carnivore. Carnivore cant pick up every possible permutation or misspelling of a word. For example, it will miss missle, bom, explosevs, nukular and divice. When we looked at the processing cost of soundexing715 every word and comparing soundex codes to our triggers, we realized it would be much easier to simply make misspelling illegal. This will certainly stop all the 31ite h@xors. The directory also mentioned that hed like to see legislation on criminalizing heavy Arabic accents over the telephone as well. (FBI) www.fbi.gov/ (Director) foia.fbi.gov/hoover.htm (Robert S. Mueller, III) www.fbi.gov/libref/directors/mueller.htm (Congress) www.house.gov/ (Carnivore) www.fbi.gov/hq/lab/carnivore/carnivore.htm No Subject Given by Anonymous Coward on Thursday, August 29 at 06:57PM I cant beleive they want to take a way our GOD given right to mispell stuff. No Subject Given by Anonymous Coward on Thursday, August 29 at 06:58PM Doesnt this imply that they would have to teach us to spell correctly in the rst place716? No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Friday, August 30 at 07:06AM Update: Mueller was later arrested for misspelling the word impairing.

714. I was joking when I wrote this, but frankly, with all the v1agra and C14Lis email Ive been getting Ive become quite serious about it. 715. Soundex was a technology developed by AT&T in the 1960s that coded words by their phonetic similarity rather than by spelling. In this way, an operator could spell any way she wanted to and the right information would come up. 716. Ah, the voice of reason.

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Green laser dazzler arrested

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 01, 2005 at 07:10PM From the concerned-green-laser-pointer-user dept. matthew writes: Police in New Jersey have announced that they have arrested New Jersey pizza deliveryman and on-line fanc website operator Hal Jordan717 for shining a green laser into the cockpit of aircraft. Wearing a green and yellow spandex costume and ranting insanely (and in the third person) that Parallax718 used Hals ring to take over his mind at his weakest moment. So Parallax has remained in Hal inuencing and controlling him. Even the Spectre719 is not powerful enough to stop it. Parallax takes over the Spectre and Hals spirit. Stop! Agents of Spectre are ying that craft! I must stop them before the Sun-Eater720 returns! Stop! (fanc website) glcorps.dcuguide.com/fangal/glfanc.php (Hal Jordan) www.hyperborea.org/ash/hal.html (shining a green laser into the cockpit of aircraft) www.thewbalchannel.com/news/4126719/detail.html (green and yellow spandex costume) www.emeralddawn.com/gallery/images/haljordan3.jpg No Subject Given by NGLPA.org info@removed.org on Thursday, February 03 at 10:40AM Green Lasers are no laughing matter! Because of the actions of a few individuals, our liberties could be taken away! Join http://www.nglpa.org now!721 Re: No Laughing Matter by matthew on Thursday, February 03 at 10:23PM Everything is a laughing matter. Loved the site, by the way. Are you planning on starting a website for red lasers too? Re: No Laughing Matter by NGLPA.org info@removed.org on Friday, February 04 at 08:21AM Ive thought about it, but I cant even drum up enough interest in this one to keep it going722.. Apparently green lasers arent enough of a laughing matter. :-) It gures, the one time when you want the media to keep beating a subject to death723, they drop it like Courtney Loves top! :-|724 Re: No Laughing Matter by Matthew on Monday, February 07 at 06:17PM Hm. Perhaps you should take more of a broad spectrum approach, so to speak. Have you considered a general laser-rights advocacy site that is open to all colors and doesnt discriminate based on wavelength?725 You could expand NGLPA into a PAC that advocated for all laser colors and purposesmore of
717. The mild-mannered alter ego of The Green Lantern. 718. Green Lanterns nemesis. 719. Another nemesis. 720. Yet another nemesis. 721. The actual kook arrives in the conversation! This guys link is apparently an organization dedicated to keeping high powered green laser pointers legal. Not kidding. 722. What? Nobody is interested in your kooky cause? Go gure. 723. The media is a ckly mistress. Much like Courtney Love. 724. Bad visual.

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an NLA than an NGLPA. Then you could make the point that if these actually *are* weapons, then theyre certainly covered under the 2nd amendment, and if they *are not* weapons then they shouldnt be banned. Re: No Laughing Matter by Matthew on Thursday, February 24 at 12:30AM Alas. It seems hes gured out that satire means subtle ridicule.

725. Weve got to band together to stop wavelength based discrimination in this country. Discrimination based on color is simply wrong, irrespective of whether you prefer 650nm or 540nm.

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TiVo, Replay in communion, schism resolved

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 11, 2002 at 11:50PM From the not-since-1054-ad dept. Matthew writes: His high holiness the most humble and exalted Michael Ramsey, Co-founder, chairman, and CEO of Tivo, and the most reverent L. Gregory Ballard, Esq., CEO of ReplayTV, have announced a state of holy communion between the two companies, negating all past excommunications, law suits, and legal actions without prejudice.726 Subscribers to both services rejoiced, rallying in the streets and hugging their former enemies727. I cant believe it. For the rst time since the invention of the PVR, we can live as brothers. said TiVo subscriber Alan Cox, hugging ReplayTV subscriber Fred Ackerman. Just last week, Alan and I were in a heated argument about the relative merits of our PVRs. I was explaining that having no separation of menu buttons for the recorded video and setup screens constituted a heresyof course Alan disagreed. Now, its not a problem. All of our beliefs and preferences menus are equally valid. (Tivo) www.tivo.com/ (ReplayTV) www.replaytv.com/ (a state of holy communion between the two companies) www.replaytv.com/company/press.asp?ID=576

726. They were both suing each other back and forth on various patent infringements. Then they realized that killing each other meant killing each other. 727. I think they should have started a Truth and Reconciliation Commission, to determine whose patent rights were actually violated.

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NeXT completes acquisition of Apple

Posted by Michael on Tuesday September 24, 2002 at 04:16PM From the coming-up-next dept. Matthew writes: NeXT CEO Steve Jobs announced today that NeXT had completed the acquisition of Apple Computer with the release of Apple Mac OS X 10.2 Jaguar728. Weve completed the hard work of replacing the traditional Macintosh OS with a re-labeled Mac compatible version of the NeXTStep operating system, said Jobs in todays announcement. The Apple acquisition, initiated almost six years ago for -$400 million USD, bore immediate fruit for NeXT. By acquiring a multi-bullion dollar computer manufacturer with millions of fanatically loyal users, weve been able to leverage Apples name, manufacturing ability, and technical prowess to bring NeXT technology to the forefront. Weve instructed developers to begin writing to the NeXT (aka Cocoa) API and to deprecate the Mac (aka Carbon) API in their upcoming applications. Within a few years, Mac compatibility will no longer be necessary. (Apple Computer) www.apple.com/ (Mac OS X 10.2) www.apple.com/macosx/ (NeXTStep) www.nextstep.state.mn.us/index.cfm (announcement) news.com.com/2100-1001-256914.html?legacy=cnet (acquiring) www120.pair.com/mccarthy/nextstep/intro.htmld/ No Subject Given by Jim Dont have one on Tuesday, April 20 at 05:32AM I am a computer geek. Now stop making fun of me. OKAY729

728. Remind me to never buy a company that Steve Jobs is in charge of. 729. Sorry dude, thats what we do here at SlashNOT.

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Urban legend accidentally comes true

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 24, 2005 at 04:21PM From the fried-green-tomatoes dept. Matthew writes: In a bizarre juxtaposition of coincidence, horror, and postmodern industrial lore, the Human Finger in a Bowl of Chili urban legend has accidentally come true730. This particular urban legend has been told many ways but it usually involves meaty dark soups such as chili or menudo. The story is a member of an urban legend species with many variations, from mice and cockroaches in soda bottles to deep-fried rats served up in a bucket of chicken. But this particular urban legend turned to suburban horror earlier this week when an unidentied woman bit down on a human nger that had been cooked in her bowl of Wendys chili in Santa Clara, CA. Authorities have been on a hunt for the rest of the person since yesterday. The person is believed to have been a woman because the nger had a long, manicured nail. A spokesman for Wendys conrmed that All of our employees have ten digits but added that he had ordered a recount just to be on the safe side. He also indicated that all of their Chili suppliers have indicated no accidents. Its probably just a piece of a meatpackers ex-wife that didnt get ground up small enough. I dont expect any employee liability problems to come out of this. When asked whether customers were still buying chili Thursday, an employee at the Wendys responded darkly, We always sell a lot of chili. (Human Finger in a Bowl of Chili) www.snopes.com/horrors/food/menudo.htm (urban legend) www.darwinawards.com/legends/ (an unidentied woman bit down on a human nger that had been cooked in her bowl of Wendys chili) www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/24/chili.nger.reut/index.html (We always sell a lot of chili) www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/local/states/california/ northern_california/11221666.htm

730. Turns out, this wasnt quite so true. The woman in the case cut the nger from the corpse of a dead relative apparently during the funeral viewing, and then planted it in the Chili herself, with the idea that she would sue Wendys for damages. Authorities became suspicious when tests showed that the nger (which was elegantly manicured) had already been embalmed, and when none of Wendys employees or their suppliers were missing any digits. After a being presented with with the evidence against her, the woman (who had a history of ling lawsuits against companies for tort) confessed. Shes now doing time. Lesson to self: avoid any scheme that involves body parts.

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SlashNOT celebrates 100 Years of Flight Disasters

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday December 17, 2003 at 10:52AM From the the-issues-from-every-angle dept. Matthew writes: When Wilbur and Orville Wright rst took ight on a blustery day at Kitty Hawk and subsequently ditched in the soft sand twelve seconds later, they could only dream about the impact their invention would have on future generations731. The odds of an individual dying in a major airline disaster are about one in seven million, which are about the same odds as winning a major lottery prize. Every time you buy an airline ticket, youre playing a macabre lottery. I just tell people to cross their ngers and hope! says Delta Airlines pilot and greatgrand-nephew of the Wright brothers Alex Treeburger. Many of the innovators of powered ight died in their contraptions. In fact, Wilbur and Orville were inspired to build their yer by news reports of the death of gliding pioneer Otto Lilienthal. With the competition dropping like ies, Wilbur and Orville persisted, but were eventually out-competed by ight tragedy innovators like Curtiss, who invented the rst warplaneadding a whole new dimension to the destructive power of ight. Wilbur, tragically, was killed by Typhoid fever before he could kill him self ying. Orville had to stop ying after badly injuring his back in an airplane accident, and was also unable to see his dream of dying in a ight disaster through to fruition.

731. Flight is actually considerably safer than driving, unless youre in a bus, which is apparently the safest form of travel. Youre something like 100 times more likely to die on the way to the airport than you are on the plane. Statistics are odd that way. You have a 1in 87 chance of dying in a car accident throughout your life. Thats pretty damned good odds. Youve got a 1 in 5000 chance of dying in a car accident every year. Those arent so good, but 5000 seems like a smaller number.

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Microsoft Word 2003 to improves performance by using kernel mode.

Posted by Matthew on Saturday May 17, 2003 at 09:01AM From the blue-screen-of-life dept. christopher baus writes: To satisfy Microsofts relentless pursuit of desktop performance, Word 2003 will now include a major kernel mode reimplementation. After realizing performance gains in our server division by moving our IIS web server core to kernel mode, we realized this advanced server architecture could represent a major benet our desktop users, Yousee Bluemore, product manager for Microsoft Ofce explains. In fact there is movement a foot to move more applications to kernel mode using our exclusive Direct Speed Architecture.732 User mode was invented by Microsoft to keep less savy developers from crashing the entire system in the case of an application failure. This often unnecessary protection feature comes at a huge cost to performance. We will still support user mode for other developers which might not have Microsofts high quality standards. In a side note, Bluemore, claims that his team has also xed the mysterious random image placement bug that has dumbfounded Word users since 1995. According to Bluemore, Word 2003 has advanced image layout features that actually place images where the user draws the image box. Word 2003 is expected to ship in the rst quarter of 2004. Rating system misleading position by Ralph Hamilton adder1@removed.rr.com on Saturday, December 18 at 10:37PM The article was so good I quickly clicked on 2 to go to the next page and it said I voted. I said what I didnt vote on anything then I went back and read (Rate this storyI wonder how many other people have done the same thing?733

732. Software running in Kernel mode is the only software that can crash Windows XP. Its the old speed versus security trade-off. 733. Hm. Perhaps the book isnt presented in funniest to least funny order.

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Me On Books: For Us, The Living

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 12, 2003 at 08:44PM From the whoops-we-dont-have-a-books-topic dept. Matthew writes: For Us the Living is the hitherto unpublished rst novel of the late Robert Heinlein, 2nd greatest SciFi author of all time (after Isaac Asimov and before Ray Bradbury). The book absolutely sucks734, which is why I love it! See, in the seven years since I started writing my rst novel735, About a Transgenic Fish: A Love Story, Ive been having a really hard time guring out how to complete the story. I just cant seem to write a realistic scene wherein a mutant surgeonsh manages to roll his shbowl down an art-deco handrail, knock the henchmen of an evil U.S. President unconscious, and then crash through the 87th story window of the rebuilt World Trade Center to a waiting helicopter gunship belonging to the Reformation Brotherhood of Mennonites, which in the year 2023 will control more than half of the U.S. But For Us the Living shows me that I dont have to! All I need to do is set this book aside and become famous for my as yet unwritten masterpieces, content in the knowledge that About a Transgenic Fish will be published after my death and purchased by my devout followers as a nearly lost example of my early, crappy writing. This book is just another example of why Robert Heinlein continues to break new ground in SciFi and the publishing world in general, even post mortem. Its truly a masterpiece of early 20th Century unpublishable ction. (For Us the Living) www.cbc.ca/arts/features/heinlein/ Burn those suckers by Moondog on Saturday, December 13 at 11:04PM I guess thats why Harlan Ellison gave instructions to his wife that when he dies, shes supposed to nd the les of unnished stories and you burn those suckers. Oops. by Raspberry Cheesecake on Sunday, December 14 at 11:13PM Are you thinking of Isaac Asimov, spelled with an s, or Yakhyo Azimov, the Governor of the Bank for the Republic of Tajikistan, who is also a well respected author of seedy romance novels?736 Re: Oops. by Matthew on Tuesday, December 16 at 11:06PM Everyone should ignore this post. I originally spelled it with an s and didnt go back and edit the story to change it after the fact. I promise.

734. It really does suck. So badly that its almost impossible for modern readers to get through. 735. Its been twelve years since I started writing my rst novel. 736. Probably more interesting than most of Asimovs ction.

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National Semiconductor releases 3GHz 6502

Posted by Matthew on Saturday September 14, 2002 at 09:44AM From the wheres-my-copy-of-bolo dept. Matthew writes: National Semiconductor announced their forthcoming 3GHz XC-6502 Microprocessor. Reprising the famous processor used in the Apple II, Atari series of computers, the Commodore 64, and others, National states: The market for an ultra-high-speed 6502 has never been better737. Sporting 256MB cache but (like the original processor) allowing access to only 64KB of main memory, the processor is capable of running classic computer application at 3,000 times their original speed. Essentially, you wont see a damned thing between keystrokes. said the spokesman. As a self-clocking drop-in replacement for the 6502, the processor can easily be added to any of the classic machines that still function, presuming theres room for the 16cu. in. cooling fan. (National Semiconductor) www.national.com/ (6502) www.6502.org/ (Apple II) www.zip.com.au/alexm/faq/ (Atari) home.attbi.com/tsmolar/atari8/ (Commodore 64) www.uni-mainz.de/bauec002/FRMain.html Intel follows suit by Captain Shenanigan on Sunday, September 22 at 02:37PM And in other news, Intel has announced a 3GHz version of their initial foray into stoplight controllers, the 4004Oh, wait. Thats not parody, theyre really producing it. Sorry.738

737. I once designed and built a simple computer based on the 6502 for a high school project. It was actually a pretty crappy chip, but it was about 1/10th the price of a decent processor like the Z80, so it was in all the mass market computers. You had to write a lot of extra code to deal with missing instructionsquite annoying. But you always love your rst machine language, warts and all. 738. This is a reference to the fact that Pentium 4s are so backwards compatible that they actually can run machine code for very early Intel processors. Which, while being just as absurd as a 3GHz 6502, doesnt seem as funny.

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Dirty SpamCop indicted in Protection Racket

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 05, 2003 at 10:05AM From the life-imitates-parody dept. Matthew writes: Federal Agents have busted a major spam sending ring that was apparently working with the support of SpamCop. The Spam senders, using IronPort Senderbase spam ooding software, were apparently working in collusion with SpamCop, which had recently taken bribes from IronPort to continue operations739. In what amounts to a protection racket, IronPort would on one hand ood unsuspecting customers with Spam, and then SpamCop would shake them down to eliminate the spam. While collusion has long been suspected in the anti-virus racket, no direct evidence has linked the two sides. (major spam sending ring) www.ironport.com/ (SpamCop) vww.spamcop.com/ (Senderbase spam ooding software) www.senderbase.org/ (recently taken bribes from IronPort) www.infoworld.com/article/03/11/19/HNironport_1.html Something strange by Gerald P. Roston gerry@removed.net on Monday, January 19 at 07:14AM spamcop.net claims to be a legitimate organization and, according to some poster someplace else, independent of spamcop.com. However, the administrative contact for the spamcop.net domain has an email address of admin@spamcop.com. Whats going on here? Re: Something strange by Fred Flintstone yabadabadoo@removed.com on Saturday, February 21 at 11:32PM Ironport put up Million to bail them out (so its reported) and bought them out.

739. True. The same company sold mass e-mailing hardware and spam prevention hardware. Its like Microsofts new foray into spy ware prevention: Cause a problem, sell a solution. Im not sure how they get away with it.

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Indias Moon Mission staged in Bollywood?

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 22, 2005 at 05:43PM From the vast-chickenwing-conspiracy dept. matthew writes: Conspiracy Theorist Vikraat Shiiraji is claiming that Indias planned moon mission is an elaborate ruse designed to siphon billions from the country and that it will actually be staged in Bollywood.740 You have to look at the facts on the face of this thing. The Government is really just trying to play catchup with China. Theres no signicant launch facility anywhere in India. Yes, Indian scientists are progressing rapidly but were still decades away from being able to mount a serious effort in the space arena. And the signs of the governments deceptions are everywhere. Look at the fanciful headdress attached to the helmets, the way the visvanauts break into cabaret dances suddenly for no apparent reason while they test systems, and the over-the-top safety procedures that theyre training for, such as leaping so high on the moon that they are able to achieve escape velocity and oat safely back to the command module after the lander fails. Theyre actually planning the dramatic tension for the climactic sequence!741 (Indias planned moon mission) www.the-south-asian.com/Sep2004/indias_moon_mission.htm (Bollywood) www.planetbollywood.com/

740. I hope this doesnt come off sounding derogatory towards India. Its actually a parody of the kooks in the U.S. who believe that the moon mission was staged in Hollywood, and there just arent any other countries with both a space program and a movie industry. 741. Notwithstanding the previous comment, I have seen some Indian television while passing by the country in a U.S. Naval warship. Its unimaginable crap. The show I tolerated longest had the good guy rush single-handedly into the evil gang lords compound to rescue the kidnapped baby. As soon as the henchmen had him completely surrounded, he hurled the child aloft with all his might. Scene cuts to baby sailing through the air, over the compound wall, and landing safely in his mothers arms, who tarried unmolested outside the compound. Next scene: henchmen being arrested and led off by local authorities as the good folk celebrate our heros success in the compound. I guess evildoers in India simply drop their weapons and give up when their nefarious plots are foiled. And the laws of physics are even less strict than they are in Hollywood.

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Scientists create LIFE!

Posted by Matthew on Friday November 14, 2003 at 01:52AM From the mad-science dept. Matthew writes: Scientists have synthesized life from articially created DNA742. The life form, a hulking perambulatory humanoid, can readily be discerned from natural life forms by the bolts embedded on both sides of its neck, green skin color, and completely at skull743. Utilizing a new process that allowed the life form to be created from scratch in a matter of mere days, the scientists have solved a major puzzle in the search for the origins of life: Where do really freaking scary monstrosities of science come from? (Scientists have synthesized life from articially created DNA) www.voanews.com/article. cfm?objectID=7654E5C9-5F63-4E16-91C398D5F16AC0DE No Subject Given by Michael on Friday, November 14 at 03:37AM Hey, theres a possessive its without an apostrophe in there. The therapy must be working. :)744 Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Friday, November 14 at 12:25PM I did actually write it incorrectly and go back through the text its by its testing each case, which is one of the therapy exercises. The other major therapy involves lifting a two pound weight on a string with my tongue. Im not sure exactly how this is supposed to help, but it does.

742. True. 743. Not true. 744. This is a reference to my inability to distinguish its from its.

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375

Segway Segue
Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 19, 2003 at 09:49AM From the why-sell-billions-when-you-can-sell-billionaires dept. Matthew writes: Citing sales more dismal than predictions were ludicrous (and a factory making 1000 times fewer units than originally predicted) Segway Corporation has announced that from this moment on, it will cease producing Human Transporters and begin producing Human Preservers (Segway HP). We vastly overestimated the demand for a device that had all the benets of a skateboard with none of its advantages. Weve learned, and were moving on. Our new product will solve an even bigger human problem and will change civilization as we know it. We are introducing a Human Cryogenic Preserver that is able to freeze a human body for storage and later re-warming. Weve perfected the process of vitrication (solidication without freezing) by using highresolution masers and a special combination of chemicals to prevent crystal formation during the freezing process. In our early tests, nearly half of the goldsh we froze survived the process, so weve decided the time is right to bring a human product to market. When asked about government certication and potential applications, Dean Kamen speculated that some city ordinances might have to be rewritten, and identied FedEx as a no-brainer client for the technology. (sales more dismal than predictions were ludicrous) www.wired.com/wired/archive/11.03/segway.html (Segway Corporation) web.0sil8.com/episodes/megway/ (Human Transporters) www.kbb.com/kb/ki.dll/kw.kc.ur?kbb. AZ;054495;AZ027&85364;p&723;Pontiac;1991%20Trans%20Sport&13;PV;A1 (vastly overestimated the demand) www.austin360.com/statesman/editions/monday/business_11.html (none of its advantages) www.segwaychat.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=634 (even bigger human problem) www.mortechmfg.com/cadaver_trays.htm (Human Cryogenic Preserver) www.cryocare.org/ccrpt10/vitric.html (freeze a human body) www.expressindia.com/ie/daily/19990208/ige08091.html (special combination of chemicals) www.webtender.com/db/drink/2733 (goldsh) www.pfgoldsh.com/ (Dean Kamen) www.dekaresearch.com/aboutDean.html (some city ordinances might have to be rewritten) www.purdue.edu/UNS/html4ever/021213.Wilson. segway.html (technology) www.americancultist.com/article.asp?articleID=154 Comedian funding? by Tyson on Wednesday, February 19 at 11:38AM Ive long been of the opinion that Segway was actually secretly developed by a cabal of evil comedians for a funnier tomorrow.

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Microsoft renames Blue Screen of Death

Posted by Matthew on Sunday September 01, 2002 at 06:16PM From the Arrows-by-any-other-name dept. Microsoft has announced a new name for the infamous Blue Screen of Death745. Noting that Death really isnt the right metaphor, since your computer really doesnt cease to exist. Lets face it, your a hard reset away from a brand new session. Thats why weve chosen to rename the BSOD to BSORthe Blue Screen of Reincarnation. The press release was accompanied by Stings Brand New Day during the presentation. The Blue Screen of Reincarnation really sends the right message both from an accuracy of analog standpoint and the marketing perspective. We were nding that people really thought the screen caused death, either in them or the PC. When asked how Microsoft intended to encourage the user base to adopt the new term, considering that they didnt encourage the use of the old term, the spokesman replied Oh, its in the EULA.746 (Microsoft) www.microsot.com (Blue Screen of Death) www.sysinternals.com/ntw2k/freeware/bluescreensaver.shtml (Stings Brand New Day) www.sting.com/discography/solo_discography/brand_new_day/ (EULA.) www.microsoft.com/licensing/downloads/OEM_EULA.doc

745. When kernel based versions of Windows crash, they produce a blue screen with cryptic text that can only be deciphered by priests and initiates of the cult of Microsoft. 746. End User License Agreements contain all sorts of crap that nobody ever reads. They wont be enforceable in court if any ever got there.

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Sony develops Green Lantern DVD format

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 14, 2003 at 05:57PM From the ring-of-truth dept. Matthew writes: Sony has announced a new high density DVD technology called Green Lantern disc technology which uses light from a large lantern-like device rather than a laser diode. Green Lantern747 disc technology allows for 127GB storage capacities on a single-sided 12cm disc. DVDs hold 4.7GB of data. Sony is now pursuing a broad acceptance of the format. Green Lantern748 technology uses a short-wavelength aquamarine/teal laser instead of the red lasers used by current optical drives to read data off discs. The higher-capacity Green Lantern discs will enable the pirating of high-denition broadcasts, which offer better picture quality than the more broadly available TV broadcasts. Sony is currently attempting to improve manufacturing yields for the lantern, which is currently stymied by an inability to read yellow discs749. Once they go into production, the burners will be released to select space-patrolmen in the super-galactic system, with the caveat that they be used as a weapon against the forces of evil and injustice. (new high density DVD technology) zdnet.com.com/2100-1103-984520.html (Green Lantern) www.reading-room.net/SC22p2.html Green Lantern by JC cyberber99@removed.com on Saturday, February 15 at 04:19PM One must follow links to appreciate this story! Re: Green Lantern by Tyson on Monday, February 17 at 11:01PM Agreed. Who ever would have thought that Sony would be selected to recieve the ring of the Green Lantern? Re: Green Lantern by Michael on Thursday, February 20 at 04:25AM Well, theyre one of the few companies big enough to ght the forces of evil and injustice.

747. Hey, thats two Green Lantern based stories in one book. Not too shabby for a 40s era comic book hero thats been discontinued in the real world. Eat that, Spiderman! 748. Wait a second: A superhero named after an obsolete light source? Whose idea was that? Were his cohorts the Brown Washboard and the Blue Spinning Wheel? 749. Yellow light would weaken the Green Lantern, similar to Kryptonite for Superman.

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Ozzy Osbourne back from the dead

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 12, 2003 at 11:24AM From the resurrection-section dept. Matthew writes: Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer of Ozzy Osbourne, has been resurrected from death after a quad motorcycle accident on his estate in England750. Ozzy sold his soul a long time ago, reports wife Sharon Osbourne. Thats what accounts for his iconic fame based on just three or four radio hits, and the rejuvenation of his career as a lovable zombie on our hit TV show, and the inability of drugs, alcohol, and vehicles to actually kill him. He will remain in a state of animated undeath until such a time as our dark lord has nished his hoary mission and anointed a new Prince of Bleeping Darkness. Weve been hoping that our son Jack could take over for him, but so far our Dark Lord hasnt shown any interest in magically creating a career for him. (has been resurrected from death) abcnews.go.com/wire/Entertainment/ap20031212_589.html (Sharon) sharon.warnerbros.com/?fromtout=television_a3 (Prince of Bleeping Darkness) no.kelkoo.com/b/a/ss_Ozzy_osbourne_blizzard_of_oz.html (Jack) www.theperfectamerican.com/jackoff.htm

750. True. He was resuscitated by his body guard, according to his body guard. Maybe he was just knocked out and he had a clever body guard. Who knows?

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MS offers million for any true mac to XP switch story

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 14, 2002 at 07:36PM From the Inspired-by-a-true-story dept. Matthew writes: Stung by recent news that a Mac to XP switch story featured on Microsoft.com was a fabrication751 (by a Microsoft sub-employee752 who claims to have switched but apparently didnt know that Ofce and Internet Explorer are available and commonly used on Macs, and also apparently models for stock photos753), Microsoft has removed the article from their site and announced a 1 million dollar reward for the true story of a Mac user who has switched to XP. The story on our web site was inspired by a true story. We just havent identied the inspiration yet. Toward that end, were offering a 1 million dollar reward to any real Mac user who has switched to XP. So far, 370 people have come forward, but upon investigation it was revealed that they merely knew Mac users and had occasionally used AOL on their friends Macs. I want to be clear that were looking for people who have actually used Macs as their primary computers, and then switched to XP prior to hearing about this bounty. said Steve Ballmer. He noted that so far, they had not found anyone who met that criteria. (Mac to XP switch story) 216.239.53.100/search?q=cache:JmwQcVoG-ucJ:www.microsoft.com/insider/ opsystems/windowsxp_setup.asp+windowsxp_setup.asp&hl=en&ie=UTF-8 (featured on Microsoft.com) www.microsoft.com/info/smart404.asp?404;http://www.microsoft.com/ insider/opsystems/windowsxp_setup.asp (Microsoft sub-employee) news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=528&ncid=528&e=15&u=/ap/ 20021014/ap_on_hi_te/microsoft_ad (stock photos) creative.gettyimages.com/source/search/detail. asp?source=searchResults&imageIndex=10&hdnSync=%22One+Woman+Only%3AOnly+Women%22 +and+%22Coffee%3AHot+Drink%220%2C12%2C449%2C3%2C15%2C1%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C122 87%2C0%2C1%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2Cenus%2C1%2C%22One+Woman+Only%3AOnly+Women%22+and+%22Coffee%3AHot+Drink%22%2 C389%2C257%2C1%2C&hdnCurrPage=4 (switched) www.apple.com/switch/ Experienced mac user by Furious Farquad furious_farquad@removed.com on Tuesday, October 15 at 07:57AM Once I saw a Mac, although it may have been a giant jelly-bean. Does that count? I want my money. by eBay Bride on Tuesday, October 15 at 06:57PM My hubby dropped my Mac IIc754 from an overpass in a livid rage when he discovered he couldnt run Reign of Chaos on it. All his buddies were laughing at him. Thats when he stole a new puter with Win751. True. 752. i.e., a contractor working for a marketing company. I was a sub-employee in a similar sense when I wrote MCSE/MCSA: Implementing and Administering Security in a Windows 2000 Network (actual title). It was such a distasteful exercise that I swore off being a Windows expert and have been actively trying to forget everything I once new about Windows. 753. Website showing that the person who supposedly switched is a photo from a marketing stock photo website.

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dows XP, and thats what makes it possible for me to be writing this (well, that and a spell-checker) because that stupid Mac couldnt even connect to the Internet. I want my $million. Re: I want my money. by Matthew on Tuesday, October 15 at 08:03PM A Mac IIc? I dont think you can hold the computer responsible for not connecting to the Internet if the computer pre-dates the Internet. I have to ask: Whats the story behind eBay Bride? Sounds like it could be a SlashNOT True Hollywood Story. Re: I want my money. by eBay Bride on Wednesday, October 16 at 04:45PM What do you mean, Whats the story behind eBay Bride? If you didnt take it at face value then I resent the insinuation that I might have deliberately married a creep who drops old computers from bridges onto trafc below. The story: All I was getting was perverts and fat dykes from the personals, so I sold my nuptial rights on eBay. It was a brilliant plan: whoever bids highest gets me, which means I not only cash in from the auction, but marry into wealth as well. Only a rich guy could win the auction, right? Right? WRONG. Hes a lazy redneck truck driver who drinks what little he does earn and most of what he doesnt. Bidding never reached the $ 399.95 reserve price until 20 seconds before the auction ended. Thats when The Creep sniped the rst runner-up with a fake bid. Two weeks after the auction ended he still hadnt forked over the cash. He just kept leaving whining messages about how the Nigerian mining operation hadnt paid up yet, so could I just hang on a bit longer. I nally threatened to leave negative feedback and contact the runner-up with an offer. That scared him into writing a check. So we got married, and now Im stuck with a rubber check and a stinky truck driver whos only got three inches, but at least I got my Windows XP and now I want my $million. Re: I want my money. by Farquad furious_farquad@removed.com on Thursday, October 17 at 10:45AM Woah. Way too much info.755 No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Sunday, October 20 at 06:11AM And now CNN is voluntarily posting Mac switch stories. I guess Microsoft doesnt really own all of the media yet.

754. That would be and Apple IIc. They pre-dated the Mac by about two years, and therefore, doesnt qualify. 755. Concur.

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FBI to relax Cyber Crimes Unit hiring guidelines

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday September 03, 2002 at 09:30PM From the you-are-what-you-hire dept. Matthew writes: After hiring the Gartner Group to help determine why the FBI is unable to attract significant talent to their cyber crimes unit, a clear picture of the problem has emerged: No geeks actually meet FBI hiring criteria. Not one. Anywhere.756 This internal memo, obtained by exclusive anonymous SlashNOT sources, summarizes Gartners analysis and proposes changes that would be required to attract qualied candidates:
Current Requirement Weight limit of 5kg/cm of height Marijuana usage of less than 15 times total Hair no longer than 1" above collar Ability to carry M16 through obstacle course Ability to pass physical tness test 5 years minimum eld work No Felony convictions Four year accredited degree Proposed Requirement can get to work in a private vehicle will adhere to indoor smoking regulations Hair no longer than 1" above oor Ability to carry 64oz Beverage through Pentagon Ability to complete Quake III Arena accompany eld agent on drive-a-geek-around day at least one felony conviction Read four OReilly titles

The FBI has not directly commented on the proposed requirements. (Gartner Group) www.gartner.com/ (FBI) www.fbi.gov/ (cyber crimes unit) www.nipc.gov/ (geeks) www.valleyofthegeeks.com/ (FBI hiring criteria) www.fbi.gov/employment/faq.htm

756. The proportion of Mormons, Jehovahs Witnesses, and other strict religions is considerably higher in the FBI and CIA than it is in the general population, because the general public cant pass the never smoked pot question.

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History of the Microsoft Anti-trust Trial

Posted by Matthew on Thursday September 19, 2002 at 12:36PM From the way-back-machine dept. Matthew writes: First begun during the reign of Akhenaten (Amenhotep IV) and alleging unfair market practices in the licensing of their product (which when translated means large square hole in the wall) and for including more straw and other non-clay material then legally allowable, Microsoft has been negotiating and delaying resolution for over three millennia. The second epochal period saw the transfer of the case from the Pharaohs court to the Roman legal system. At one point argued by the great Cicero, Microsoft was protected from real resolution by a series of weak emperors. When the Roman capital moved to Constantinople, Microsoft was able to keep the proceedings from resolution with a Byzantine series of legal maneuvers that lasted until the Turkish leader Marmot nally brought down Constantinople in 1453. Dashing Microsofts hopes of eliminating the case, the Venetian courts immediately picked it up when the presiding judge emigrated there from Constantinople. Microsoft was again able to stall resolution by paying various indulgences to the Pope, who excommunicated numerous challengers and claimants. The case moved to the French courts when Napoleon brought Italy under French dominion early in the 18th century, and was transferred to U.S. jurisdiction as one of the terms of the Louisiana Purchase. Apparently, Napoleon was unwilling to become bogged down in a slow moving legal battle at the time. Under U.S. Jurisdiction, the case has seen numerous fascinating challenges. John Quincy Adams libustered a resolution brought by corrupt Senators to end the case, and a century later, FDR promised Windows on every machine, much to Microsofts delight. However, they differed over OEM licensing terms, and the project was cancelled. Today, the case shows no signs of early resolution. The 6th Epoch ofcially began when the nine states rejected the terms of the DOJ settlement. Who knows what fascinating future this longest-lived of all legal challenges may see? Only Time will tell. No Subject Given by Bob Abooey bob_abooey_999@removed.com on Friday, September 20 at 12:17PM And bababooey to you all!!!!!! Re: No Subject Given by Captain Shenanigan on Sunday, September 22 at 02:33PM And now Slasnot has nally met the high standards for comments set by that paragon of insightful witticisms, Slashdot Re: No Subject Given by Squid squid@removed.com on Monday, September 23 at 01:05AM First post! Re: No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, September 23 at 11:22AM Do you think theres some meaning in the exclamatory pattern of!!!, then!!, then!? Its a mystery.

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Microsoft buys rights to Linux trademark

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 23, 2002 at 05:56PM From the there-must-be-something-about-Linux-that-we-can-acquire dept. Submission by Cpt. Tako: This Microsoft press release reports that the company has successfully acquired the rights to the trademark Linux from uberhacker Linus Torvalds, the original developer of the operating systems kernel. The normally staid Torvalds appeared jubilant as he left the San Jose central ofce of Wells Fargo Bank. When interviewed in LinuxToday and asked about the sale, Torvalds commented: Hey guys, a billion dollars is a billion dollars. Youre taking this whole thing way to seriously. I mean Christ, If I had known that that stupid kernel was going to take over my life, I never would have posted it. No Subject Given by Matthew on Monday, April 19 at 06:23PM Wahoo! Now ranking at or above 2! I knew this story didnt suck that badly.757

757. This story was hammered in the rankings by the Linux faithful, who are apparently more offended than Mormons or Apple fanatics when I make fun of them.

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Apple sues Gweneth758 Paltrow

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 24, 2004 at 05:38PM From the An-apple-by-any-other-name dept. Matthew writes: According to Gwyneth Paltrows publicist, Apple computers has sued the actress and her husband, Chris Martin of rock band Coldplay759, for trademark infringement over the name of their newborn daughter, Apple Martin760. This is reprehensible behavior, especially from a company that Gwyneth formerly liked. Chris and Gwyneth did not have apple computers in mind when they named Applethey were thinking about the fruit. Apple didnt invent the word apple, you know. The fruit companies should sue them. An Apple spokesperson responded to the criticism: Apple has a duciary duty to its shareholders not to allow the company name or image be diluted by other potentially famous market competitors. While Apple Martin may not currently be competing with Apple, it is highly likely that she will one day become a movie actress, and compete with Apples forthcoming joint venture with Pixar Studios to develop virtual actors using 3D digital rendering technology. So yes, were being proactive about this and protecting our intellectual property. (their newborn daughter) www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/15/paltrow.baby.ap/ (Apple Martin) www.webtender.com/db/drink/4676 No Subject Given by Mongooseman on Monday, May 24 at 06:55PM WellI feel even more sympathetic to the parents of poor old Microsoft Jones. Re: No Subject Given by matthew on Sunday, June 06 at 08:15PM Yeah, especially since his father, Digital Research Jones, never made the crossover into the big-time from all those geexploitation movies back in the day. A new trend by Mearzuh on Monday, May 24 at 08:00PM Rumor has it Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards want to name their kid Windows. Re: A new trend by matthew on Wednesday, May 26 at 11:27AM Id heard they were going to name it/him/her Sequel Re: A new trend by Anonymous Poster on Monday, June 21 at 09:27PM what if I named you all spastic freak?761

758. Because I misspelled Gwyneth, SlashNOT is the top link in Google for this particular misspelling. 6% of the SlashNOTs trafc comes from people desperately seeking Gweneth, who have no idea that this is a satirical website. 759. Currently my favorite band. 760. Egads. If I were going to name my daughter after an alcoholic drink, Id pick something less pass than the apple martini, such as Jen Martini. 761. You wouldnt be the rst.

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Re: A new trend by Anonymous Poster on Wednesday, July 21 at 02:21PM spaztic freak has a nice ring to it762 Re: A new trend by Anwar artbyanwar@removed.net on Thursday, November 18 at 01:57AM So Apple can actually sue because they suspect Gweneths daughter will grow up to be an actress and may compete with a digitally created actressmaybe? Those guys at Apple are on crack! Why dont they sue over those crack pipes they make with apples and aluminum foil.763 Re: A new trend by Anonymous Poster shy_one_13_03@removed.net on Thursday, December 02 at 09:37PM i agree it was wrong of them to try to sue over something so dumb where are peoples mind these days. Apple belongs to the world not some dumb company. Re: A new trend by Incredulous on Monday, May 09 at 10:49AM I cannot seriously believe the previous 2 posters actually believe the story is true without losing all faith in humanity, as the site clearly poses the question Parody or Satire? at the top of every page.764

762. Or the second. 763. I swear I didnt make these comments up. 764. Sorry about your faith, dude. Half the population is below average, you know. And they apparently search for Gweneth on Google.

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Moores Law nally repealed

Posted by Michael on Thursday August 29, 2002 @ 01:20AM From the stop-youre-under-arrest dept. Squid765 writes: For years the computer industry has followed Moores law766, which states that the number of transistors per inch on an integrated circuitand thus, the speed of a computerdoubles every 18 months. Now, the US Senate has overwhelmingly voted to repeal Moores Law767. This is great news for Intel and other chip makers, whose progress has always been limited by Moores law. Its also great news for Microsoft and other makers of slow, bloated software. With Moores Law out of the way, well be able to quadruple the size of the Windows XP codebase within the next year, says a Microsoft source. Moores Law has been on the books since proposed by Intel chairman Gordon E. Moore in 1965. Congress is hoping that this move will revitalize the computer industry. Rumor has it the laws of physics are next on the agenda. (Moores law) www.webopedia.com/TERM/M/Moores_Law.html (repeal Moores Law) www.intel.com/update/archive/issue2/feature.htm (Intel) www.intel.com/ (Microsoft) www.microsoft.com/ (laws of physics) funnies.paco.to/cartoon.html

765. Michael originally used the moniker Squid for his submissions. I think he did it because I originally used the moniker Cpt Tako as a parody of SlashNOTs Cmdr Taco, and Tako means Octopus in Japanese. But thats just a guess, and frankly, its a bit of a stretch. We reverted to our real rst names after we could no longer remember who was whom. 766. [ExcerptThanks, Wikipedia!] Moore's law is an empirical observation stating, in effect, that at our rate of technological development and advances in the semiconductor industry, the complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 18 months. See exponential growth. It is attributed to Gordon E Moore (a co-founder of Intel, not to be confused with the philosopher George Edward Moore). Moore outlined his law in 1965. His original empirical observation was that the number of components on semiconductor chips with lowest per-component cost doubles roughly every 12 months, and he conjectured that the trend will stay for at least 10 years. In 1975, Moore revised his estimate for the expected doubling time, arguing that it was slowing down to about two years (see the external link below). 767. Over the course of the last 40 years (basically, since he rst said it) pundits (whatever the hell those are) have been predicting the demise of Moores law within ve years. These crys of The end is near have kind of died out lately, mostly since everyone but Moore has been wrong about it for so long. Now that I think about it, wasnt the world supposed to end before the end of the millennium?

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Reimann Hypothesis defeated by Professor Mathematical Man

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday June 09, 2004 at 05:52PM From the Superheros-of-Numerics dept. matthew writes: Louis de Branges de Bourcia, the Edward C. Elliott Distinguished Professor of Mathematics at Purdues School of Science, has solved the Riemann Hypothesis, which concerns the distribution of prime numbers and is famed for having eluded a solution since it was hypothesized in 1859. Clad in his trademark spandex Proof of the Four Color Supposition costume768 of his alter-ego, Professor Mathematical Man, Dr. Branges announced his paper at a press conference at Perdue. I, Professor Mathematical Man, have solved the Riemann Hypothesis. You may remember that I also solved the Bieberbach conjecture about 20 years ago. Given good eating habits and barring the onset of Alzheimers, my next feats of cogitative potency shall be to solve the long standing Hasse Presumption, the Heidelberg Speculation, the Tate-Shaferevich Assumption, and the Field Suggestion, in that order. Thank you good citizens, my work here is done.769 (Proof of the Four Color Supposition) mathworld.wolfram.com/Four-ColorTheorem.html (Professor Mathematical Man) www.math.purdue.edu/branges/ (I, Professor Mathematical Man, have solved the Riemann Hypothesis) zdnet.com.com/2100-1104_25229702.html?tag=zdfd.newsfeed (I also solved the Bieberbach conjecture) news.uns.purdue.edu/UNS/html4ever/840828.Branges. Mathematics.html

768. See, this is really actually quite funny if youre a math geek. The 4-color supposition is the question of whether or not you can construct a way to color a map such that no two adjacent countries have the same color, using just four colors. So the costume would be like a world political map or something. Funny, right? No? 769. Solving these hard math problems takes serious work. Ive met Professor Helaman Fergusen, who spent 25 years creating the PSLQ algorithm, a derivative of which was used to prove that PI is apparently not random in sequence, but its order is still not fathomable. 25 years is a damned long time to be thinking about one thing.

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What would Jesus blog?

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 03, 2004 @ 04:53PM From the guess-whos-going-to-hell dept. Matthew writes: They are usually titled something like Gods Perfect Timing, and the generally start something like this: On Thursday, October 16, 2003, I received a phone call from my sister in Hawaii. At the time, I was at work at the Hospital in Dallas, Texas. My sister sounded hysterical and said that my mom was at the hospital dying. My heart sank and I asked my sister to tell me what happened. My sister, who is a nurse, mentioned an aortic dissection and that my mom had to be taken to the emergency room. As a physician, I knew aortic dissections were often fatal. They go on for another 2500 words or so, and mom always winds up living in the end. The mystery is why they get submitted to SlashNOT, considering that SlashNOT is a tech parody site that tries to avoid religion as a topic770. But, fearing eternal damnation, Ive also been loath to simply delete them. So they pile up in the administrative inbox, stuck in a digital limbo between submission and publication, damned to wait for armature-ageddon, when the servers hard disk fails. But I always felt vaguely unsettled about the situation. And so I said to myself, What would Jesus Blog? And a still, small voice came to me and said Seek and ye shall nd. Ask, and it shall be given unto thee. Google, and ye shall be feeling lucky. In a ash of inspiration, I realized that I could repost all these submissions on blogs appropriate to the topic. A weight has been lifted from me for the rst time since Michael and I started SlashNOT. I feel like Ive been given a new chancea new life. And now Id like to invite all of you to post your testimonies there. And not here.771 (What would Jesus Blog?) www.mentata.com/ldaphttp/examples/gospel/jesusblog.htm (blogs appropriate to the topic) www.christiantestimonies.org/

770. I think that religion (and sexuality) are both really funny things to parody. But based on the ratings, nobody else does. I dont know why people dont like it. Im pretty sure Jesus would laugh. 771. Didnt stop them. Oh well. Since Im going to hell anyway, I might as well call it Jesus Spam.

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Controller Mod: Nintendo Gameglove to USB Vagina

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 23, 2002 at 05:50PM From the dont-actually-click-any-of-these-links dept. Submission by Cpt. Tako: This website772 shows exactly how to convert a Nintendo Game glove into a USB vagina using only the glove, an electrical power cord, and a damp natural sponge! I cant say it looks anything like a real vagina, but then site operators mention that theyve never seen a real one. Apparently, they did all their research online at various biology special interest websites. I cant say Id use it, but then I have access to the real thing.773

772. Not a real website. 773. Not after writing this article.

About the Author

s

Matthew Strebe is the editor and primary writer of SlashNOT.com, an uproarious parody of the ridiculously popular Slashdot.org Linux advocacy website. SlashNOT was recently awarded PC Magazines prestigious Top 100 Sites you cant live without award. He is also the author of fteen technical books on computers, networks, security, and the business of computer consulting. When hes not writing, he is the Chief Technology Ofcer of Connetic, a full service outsourced IT services provider, and the CIO of Zaxyz, an innovative 3D printing startup. He is married with three children and resides in San Diego, California.

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