TEASER FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT A tastefully decorated space in a modest home.

LAUREN STERLING-JOHNSON, mid 40s, attractive, is sitting in bed typing on a laptop. She pauses mid idea, looking perplexed for a moment. LAUREN (calling off) Winston? Which do you think is better? Should I start with abolitionism and the suffragettes, or open with how we have fewer civil rights than Charles Manson? WINSTON STERLING-JOHNSON, mid 20s, pretty and very pregnant enters from the bathroom. WINSTON If you're working on seduction lines, frankly neither does much for me. LAUREN No, I'm making a PowerPoint of talking points for Margot's civics class tomorrow. WINSTON Lauren. Talking points? Seriously? LAUREN Yeah. These kids could be lawmakers some day. I want to make sure we leave a powerful impression. WINSTON I guarantee we'll make an impression. But not with talking points. LAUREN Maybe not for you, but it helps me stay focused to have a clear outline. Which one is better? WINSTON Babe, as fond as I am of discussing Charlie and the Family with teenagers, WINSTON (CONTD) I'm telling you it isn't going to matter. There are only going to be a handful of


kids in that classroom, all of them boys, and the only thing they're going to ask about is our sex life. LAUREN You don't know that. WINSTON Yes, I do. The word lesbian brings only one thought to the Y-chromosome mind, and it's not the right to file a joint tax return. LAUREN Aren't you a little young to be so cynical? WINSTON Aren't you a little old to be so optimistic? LAUREN No. I think kids today are a lot more open minded and mature than they're given credit for. Look at your bunch. WINSTON Exactly my point. LAUREN Fine. Charles Manson it is. WINSTON Atta girl. Hey, I tell you what: if we get so much as a single question about anything other than sex, I will slave all day over a hot stove, making you one of those artery-clogging mid-western dinners you love so much. LAUREN Ooh. Really? Nana's chicken in Crisco? With mashed potatoes and gravy?

WINSTON Mashed potatoes that don't even come from a box. Deal?


LAUREN And if you're right? WINSTON No big. You just take me out. Winner's choice. LAUREN You're on. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY Lauren and Winston exit a classroom and start walking down the hall, putting their coats on. LAUREN I'm glad we did that. WINSTON Me too. LAUREN So? Where are we going for dinner? WINSTON That new Puerto Rican place. I have been jonesing for pigs ears in green sauce LAUREN Right. Who hasn't?

END TEASER

ACT I FADE IN:


INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON RESTAURANT EVENING (THE HOUSE OF HAM) HOME VIDEO CAMERA POV. Winston is filming Lauren and two men seated at an elegantly made table. The men are NATHAN, early 40s, and his date KARL, early 50s, spray tanned and too-white teeth. WINSTON (V.O.) Okay? Recording? Right. Okay, so, um... hi. It's me. Duh. Here we are with Auntie Nathan and his new friend Karl. They smile and wave at the CAMERA. LAUREN Honey? I don't mind having dinner here on my night off, but Troy will have my hide if he sees you with that thing. Winston turns the camera on herself. WINSTON And this, little Epic, is Mommy L being a buzzkill. But you'll be used to that by the time you see this. LAUREN (through a tense smile) For the tenth time, we are not naming our son Epic Sterling-Johnson. WINSTON See? Buzzkill. Winston switches the CAMERA off and drops it in her bag. She eases herself ungracefully into a seat at the table. KARL Kid, huh? WINSTON Either that or one hell of a tumor. KARL That's awesome. I put myself through college with my left hand and a dixie cup. I must have a couple of hundred little socket jockeys out there by now. Lauren and Winston blanch at this, exchange a nervous glance, then shake their heads: What are the odds?


LAUREN So, Nathan, how did you two meet? NATHAN It's actually kind of a funny stor... KARL --See, I had a bad break-up a few months ago. Been a little leery about getting back in the saddle, if you get my drift. And my friends kept telling me, "Karl?" they'd tell me, "You need to get out there and get back in the action." And I thought "Karl?" I thought, "They're right." If you get my drift. WINSTON Uh huh. LAUREN Nathan was telling us that you had some dish on a celebrity? KARL Yeah. When I get to know you better you won't believe the things that have happened to me and the people I've known...if you get my drift. FADE TO: INT. RESTAURANT - LATER The meal is winding down, coffee and desert are on the table. Everyone but Karl looks dazed and exhausted. He has clearly been monopolizing the conversation. KARL I tell you, you would not believe the stories I have! WINSTON You're right. I wouldn't, considering we've been sitting here for three hours and that's all you've talked about, without actually talking about it. If you get my drift. NATHAN I don't know. The stories about growing up in Wisconsin were kind of interesting.

Winston glares at him, then struggles to get out of her seat. KARL You really want to know? LAUREN/WINSTON/NATHAN YES! KARL I used to be best friends with Jeffrey Dahmer. In fact, he killed and ate my first boyfriend. I had to identify the remains. Winston plops down in her seat as Lauren and Nathan stand up. LAUREN Wow. That's just...wow. Well, it's getting really late an... NATHAN (overlapping) -- I've got an early shift, really need to call it a night. WINSTON (overlapping) --So, what? Like, you hung out? Watched movies? Had snacks? FADE TO: INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER Lauren pours Nathan a cup of tea while he and Winston sit at the table. He is very distraught. NATHAN I am so dying alone. CUT TO: INT. YOUTH CENTER - DAY HOME VIDEO CAMERA POV, which is positioned on a tripod on one side of a stage. In a small, plain performance space we see Winston working with two teenagers, KEVIN (16) and JANICE (17). The kids are rehearsing a scene that Winston directs from a chair in front of the stage.


LAUREN (V.O.) And here's Winston at work. Running a gay youth center where she is the founder and artistic director of "Out, Loud & Proud", a theater group for LGBT teens. We see the scene unfold in rehearsal, where Janice, a large, masculine young woman cowers before the diminutive Kevin. She raises a hand as if to strike him in self-defense, whereupon he cringes and yelps like a yorkie that's been stepped on. WINSTON Stop! Kev. Come on. KEVIN I'm sorry. I can't help it. Yesterday she actually left a mark. JANICE Bullshit. I barely smudged your makeup, princess. WINSTON (to Janice, sternly) Enough! Kevin, honey, you're supposed to be a skinhead. A bully, filled with hate? KEVIN But she scares me. Can't I be a bully filled with fear?

JANICE Why can't we switch roles, Win? It'll be much more believable. WINSTON No. We're trying to break stereotypes here, not set them in concrete. Kevin, try this: pretend Janice is that guy from the wrestling team who gave you the swirlie last week, all right? KEVIN Which one?


WINSTON Any of them. Only now the tables are turned, see? You've got him alone and cornered, and can do whatever you want without him fighting back. Okay? Let's try it again. Janice and Kevin pick up where they left off. Kevin is clearly trying hard to be tough and threatening, but the result is still like a muppet doing a Keifer Sutherland impression. Janice doesn't fare much better pretending to be afraid of him. KEVIN So rug muncher. Whatcha' gonna do now? Call in some of your lesbo friends and have them whack me with their softball gloves? Huh? JANICE You better leave me alone, Slash. I mean it. KEVIN Yeah? Or what? JANICE Or... this! Janice raises her hand again, and while Kevin manages not to yelp this time, he still visibly cowers. He stumbles into the CAMERA, knocking it off the tripod and causing it to shut off. CUT TO: INT. YOUTH CENTER - DAY - CONTINUOUS WINSTON Better. Let's take five, okay? Spawn's using my bladder for pilates again. Pry bar, if you'd be so kind? Janice helps Winston out of her chair while Kevin tries to reset the camera. She hands Winston a stack of mail that was next to her chair. WINSTON (CONT'D) Thanks.


Winston starts going through the mail on her way out. One letter makes her pause, puzzled. She opens it and gives it a quick once over, going from puzzled to pissed. WINSTON (CONT'D) What the hell? JANICE Another mash note from Fred Phelps? WINSTON As good as. It's a copy of a protest permit for our opening night. KEVIN Oh, God, I knew it! The wrestling team is coming after me again! JANICE Calm down, Nancy. It's probably just the football team this time. CUT TO: INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING Lauren enters, looking exhausted after a long day. She stops, inhales deeply, and smiles. She notices a note on the counter, and picks it up. LAUREN (READING) Welcome home, Gretel. Hansel and I are in the nursery. Follow the trail to your Nana's chicken. Lauren's smile broadens as she heads off. Suddenly her feet slip out from under her and she crashes to the floor. CUT TO: INT. NURSERY - MOMENTS LATER

HOME VIDEO CAMERA POV, The room is softly aglow with dozens of candles. There is a meal laid out in the center of the room. Winston sits in a rocker, knitting. Lauren enters, limping and rubbing her sore rear end. The CAMERA is set up on a tripod, recording.


LAUREN Oh, honey, this is so sweet of you. But for future reference? Crisco on hardwood doesn't make for the best footpath. And that's a 'no' on the name Hansel. WINSTON Sorry. Just trying to set the mood. Come sit down. LAUREN Gosh. It's been ages since I've had dinner... on a ... changing table. Is this going to be a regular thing? WINSTON Of course not. Once it's used we'll switch to paper plates. LAUREN What are you working on? Winston holds up a knitted cap in the shape of a breast. When she sees Lauren's puzzled expression, she picks up a baby doll, puts the cap on its head, then holds it to her breast. The effect is that the baby's head looks like a boob. WINSTON So I can breast feed in public without being embarrassed. Lauren doesn't respond. WINSTON (CONT'D) What? Too subtle? LAUREN No, I'm just trying to imagine anything that could embarrass you. WINSTON What about you? Did your mom leave you any favorite dysfunctions that we can warp the young'un with? Lauren abruptly switches the CAMERA off.

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CUT TO: INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - NURSERY - CONTINUOUS LAUREN Um, no. Salad? WINSTON Right. Forgot Moms was a taboo topic. You know, sometimes you talk about her in your sleep. And I'm keeping notes. LAUREN (panicky) Really? WINSTON No, not really. Geez, babe, lighten up. I'm just curious, that's all. LAUREN Nothing to be curious about. We just aren-- weren't close. So...how's the show coming along? WINSTON Oh! That reminds me. I got a notice today saying that some homophobic hate group has gotten a permit to protest at our opening. LAUREN What? That's ridiculous. They're just kids. WINSTON I know. But that seems to be the whole point. It's this group called Straight Way to Heaven. I looked it up online. Lauren chokes on her food, and suddenly looks ill. WINSTON (CONT'D) It's run by some nutcase who's made it her life's mission to protect children from being "recruited" by the militant homosexual movement. LAUREN Nutcase?

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WINSTON Yeah, you know the type. God is her own personal BFF, and He has told her to run around spewing garbage and hate in His name, blah blah blah. I can't stand those ass-holier than thou types. Babe? What's wrong? LAUREN Oh, nothing. I'm just... worried about the kids, that's all. WINSTON Hell, a little confrontation will be good for them. Especially Kevin. It's high time his testicles descended anyway. CUT TO: PHOTO MONTAGE A photograph of a woman in her 60s appears. She is angry, yelling, and holding a hand-painted sign that proclaims "Sodomy is Satany!" LAUREN (V.O.) In case you haven't heard of it, Straight Way to Heaven is a religious group founded by this woman. Dolly Young. As Lauren's V.O. continues, we see a series of photographs. The first one is of pretty young girl of about 19 being crowned in a beauty pageant. The next is that same girl, slightly older, singing emotionally on stage. The next photo depicts the same smiling woman in her 20s, standing next to a handsome man in a suit and holding a baby. The last picture shows Dolly in her sixties again, smiling smugly and holding a sign that says "AIDS is God's way of saying 'I told you so!'". LAUREN (V.O.) (CONT'D) A former beauty queen, she went on to have a five minute singing career in the early 60s. Later she traded her self proclaimed "stardom" for the joys of motherhood. In recent years, however, she's stepped back into the limelight. She claims that God has put a flame in her heart and told her to go forth and smote the evils of homosexuality anywhere and everywhere it rears its ugly head.

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CUT TO: INT. LAUREN'S HOME OFFICE - EVENING Lauren addresses the video camera. LAUREN Of course, you'll know her better as Gramma. FADE OUT. END OF ACT I

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ACT II FADE IN: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Lauren and Nathan, dressed in a chef's tunic, chat while he prepares food. Nathan is moping, as usual. LAUREN There's no hope you can make it work? He's really hot. NATHAN Yeah, African American and Japanese is a great combo. But he's crazy. Every December seventh he wants to attack Pearl Bailey. TROY DURBIN, 50s, enters. He is highly stressed, and speaks with a ridiculous French accent. TROY Law-ron, eef eets note a probelem, could choo poeseeblay ztay tonight? LAUREN Christ, Troy, it's just us here. Troy drops the phony accent for a very real, heavy mid-western accent. TROY Yah. Sorry. I'm practicing for the Pitt Jolies tonight. NATHAN Practice harder. TROY But Lauren, Marty called in sick. He hates kids. PLEEEEEASE say you'll stay tonight. LAUREN No can do, Troy. It's Winston's opening night.

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NATHAN Besides, those Pitt-Jolies always throw food at her, no matter how hard the kids try to make them stop. TROY For what they pay to book the place, I don't care if they ride her like a pony. And, might I add, your internship grade is coming up. LAUREN You wouldn't dare. TROY (resuming his french accent) Eet ees a sham zat Law-ron ees note a team pla-yere. Pear-ops anuzzer corz in wheesking would elp, no? (dropping the accent) Ya might wanna wear this. They'll be here in an hour. Troy tosses her a plastic apron. FADE TO: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON KITCHEN - NIGHT Nathan is cleaning up and watching a small tv. Troy and Lauren enter, both covered in food and looking exhausted. Nathan pours Lauren a glass of wine, which she accepts gratefully. TROY Honestly, Lauren. If we here at Le Maison du Jambon don't want them to throw their food, we must lead by example. You nearly took my eye out with that hambone. LAUREN That's just the start of what I'll do to you if I end up in divorce court. I can't believe you made me miss Win's opening night. She takes the glass of wine and gulps it greedily. LAUREN (CONT'D) Thanks, Nathan.

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NATHAN Don't thank me just yet. You might want to see this. He nods toward the tv. CUT TO: EXT. YOUTH CENTER - NIGHT News coverage of a large and vocal crowd outside the center. On one side of the screen is Winston, behind her are Kevin, Janice, and several other teens. On the side is Dolly, backed up by several people shouting and waving signs. As Winston and Dolly get up in each others' faces, we hear what they are shouting after the reporter's intro. REPORTER (V.O.) Chaos broke out tonight at the West Hollywood Youth center, when an outspoken religious group showed up to protest a play put on by LGBT youth. DOLLY Save our children from homosexual terrorism! WINSTON You're the only terrorist here, you old queef! DOLLY "Man shall not lie with man as he does with Woman. It is an abomination" WINSTON The only abomination is your bible, bitch! Dolly is aghast. She raises her hand as if to strike Winston, but just at the last minute Kevin steps between them and takes the blow. There is a moment of stunned silence on both sides, then Kevin belts her in the face, and all Hell breaks loose. Sirens can be heard in the background. CUT TO: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Tight shot on Nathan, watching the television.

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NATHAN Tangling with Winston. That lady has no idea what she's in for, right, Laur? Sound of breaking glass and a door slamming. Troy and Nathan look up to see nothing but a broken wine glass and a swinging door. CUT TO: INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT - LATER HOME VIDEO CAMERA POV, which Winston is using to film the festivities. Kevin and Janice wave exuberantly to the CAMERA. They are celebrating in the midst of a rowdy crowd. Lauren fights her way through the crowd, smiles tensely at the CAMERA for a moment, then takes it from Winston and shuts it off. CUT TO: INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS WINSTON (laughing) Hey babe. Get this: the bat and the rest of those whackos got hauled off for inciting a riot. We're here to press charges. LAUREN Wow. That's... um, great? WINSTON This night just keeps getting better. LAUREN I hope you're still feeling that way an hour from now. WINSTON Why? LAUREN Honey, I need to talk to you. Is there some place we can go that's a little less deafening? WINSTON Sure. It's where I plan to spend most of the evening anyway. Come on. CUT TO:

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INT. POLICE STATION RESTROOM CONTINUOUS WINSTON So what's up? Winston notices that Lauren is spattered in food. She wipes a finger on a spot, and sucks it. WINSTON (CONT'D) The Pitt-Jolies again? Awesome. I'm starved. LAUREN Yes. No. I mean... God, how do I start? Um... okay. You know how you've always thought my mother was dead? WINSTON Yeah... because that's what you told me. LAUREN Well, no, you see... not exactly. I never actually told you that. I just... didn't correct you when you assumed it. WINSTON Whoa. Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mom is alive? LAUREN Um... yeah. Sort of. WINSTON Sort of? As in zombie mom? Cause that would be so cool! LAUREN She's been called worse. See, I didn't lie when I told you we weren't close. But, um, it seems she's popped into town, and has gotten into a bit of trouble. WINSTON What kind of trouble? LAUREN The getting arrested and being in jail kind? WINSTON WHAT!? My God, we've got to get her out!

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LAUREN Really? You're not mad at me? WINSTON Mad at you? Baby, no. LAUREN Well, there's still time. See, there's one other teensy thing I need to tell you. WINSTON Whatever it is, it can wait. LAUREN Not really. WINSTON Look, it doesn't matter what happened between you two however many eons ago. It's over now. She loves you, and I love you, so I'm sure we'll love each other. LAUREN That makes one of us. WINSTON No matter what, that woman is little Caligula's grandmother, and she needs our help. Now come on. LAUREN Wow. You really are one in a million, you know that? But that's still a "no" on Caligula. Winston sticks her tongue out at Lauren as they exit. CUT TO: INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT - LATER DOLLY YOUNG and her band of about a dozen followers sit in the cell singing "What a Friend I Have in Jesus". Dolly holds an ice pack to her eye. She sings loudly and with gusto, the others are more subdued. One woman, IRMA doesn't sing at all.


IRMA Oh, for Heaven's sake, would you put a sock in it, Dolores? There aren't any cameras in here. DOLLY (forcing a smile) Now, Irma. You know that when the spirit of the Lord moves me, he does so with song. IRMA Only too well. And I'm sure it's easy for you to sing when you know your daughter is coming to bail you out. The rest of us are stuck here for the night. DOLLY Do I hear the voice of a little green monster? Irma dear, I'm not like the rest of you. I'm a celebrity. It's bad enough what that young hooligan did this to my face. Do you know what a night in jail would do to my hair? IRMA (muttering) I know what I'd like to do to your throat. DOLLY Oh, now, don't be such a gloomy Gus. Remember, the Lord is here with us in our darkest hour, and He'll see us through this night of hardship. Suddenly there's a loud commotion in the corridor. A moment later Winston comes charging toward the cell, with Lauren and an OFFICER struggling to keep up. WINSTON (yelling) Mrs. Johnson? Hello? Where are you? (to Lauren) Oh God. What if they threw her in with the crazies from the center? LAUREN Win, wait. I've got to explain... Dolly hears Lauren and stops singing.

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DOLLY Lauren, honey? Is that you? Winston comes to a screeching halt in front of the holding cell and gapes at Dolly. WINSTON Oh... no. No. Fucking. Way. LAUREN Honey, I've been trying to tell you... DOLLY Lauren! What is the meaning of this? What is she doing here? And where's Winston? Lauren winces, then takes a deep breath. She stands tall and puts an arm around Winston. LAUREN Right here, Mom. I'd like you to meet Winston Sterling-Johnson. My wife. Dolly and Winston continue to glare at each other, while the congregation in the cell eagerly look back and forth between them. After an awkward silence LAUREN (CONT'D) That's right, Mom. I'm a cougar. Irma erupts into bellowing laughter. When she can manage to catch her breath, she breaks into song, picking up where Dolly left off. Several of the others now join in enthusiastically. FADE OUT. END OF ACT II

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ACT III FADE IN: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON RESTAURANT - EVENING Lauren sits with her head down on the counter. Nathan and Troy are trying to console her. NATHAN It can't be that bad. TROY It's probably just those crazy hormones. LAUREN She cancelled my Playboy subscription. NATHAN Oooooh. TROY (OVERLAPPING) Ouch. LAUREN Yeah. NATHAN Buck up, Laur. She'll come around. She just needs some time to remember why she fell in with you in the first place. LAUREN Nathan, you're a genius! She fell in love with me for my cooking. Hand me that apron. TROY Now, Lauren, as much as I'd like to help, I don't really feel it's appropriate to use my supplies to -Lauren whirls on him, growling. TROY (CONT'D) -- Right. How can I help?

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CUT TO:


INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - FOYER - LATER Winston opens the door to Lauren, holding out a platter. LAUREN Creme Brulee? Winston slams the door in her face. CUT TO: INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - FOYER -AS BEFORE Winston opens the door to Lauren, holding out a bowl. LAUREN Bouillabase? Winston slams the door in her face. CUT TO: INT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - FOYER - AS BEFORE Winston opens the door to Lauren, holding out a dish. LAUREN Spinach souflee? Winston slams the door in her face. CUT TO: EXT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - PORCH -CONTINUOUS LAUREN Spinach so flat? CUT TO: INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT A cookie cutter, Motel 6 sort of room. Dolly unpacks a suitcase while Lauren sits on one of the twin beds. She makes a call on her cell phone, nervously biting her nails. LAUREN (to herself) Come on, baby. Pick up... please? DOLLY For goodness sakes, dear, it's almost one in the morning. She's probably asleep.

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LAUREN She's not sleeping. She can never sleep when I'm not there. She's just stewing over how much she hates me right now. And I can't say I blame her. DOLLY Now you see? This is just another example of why homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to marry. LAUREN Why? Because they get upset when they've found out their spouse has lied to them about something that's pretty fucking huge? DOLLY Language. I mean it just proves that they are incapable of honoring a commitment. LAUREN You mean like how Dad honored his commitment to you by dumping you for an eighteen year old? DOLLY Well, yes, in a way. Your father thought God was in his pants instead of his heart, and so do the homos. LAUREN You are unbelievable, you know that? DOLLY Don't get mad at the messenger, dear. I'm just telling it like it is. LAUREN In Utah, maybe... DOLLY Lauren, I know this might seem like a bad thing right now. But it really is for the best. Obviously the Almighty has brought us together so I can help you get over this little phase and back on the path of righteousness.


LAUREN A phase that's lasted forty-two years? I don't think so, Mom. God's played a mighty sick joke on both of us. DOLLY Our Lord does not play jokes, young lady. But He does punish sinners. Swiftly and thoroughly. LAUREN Given how this has turned out, I couldn't agree more. CUT TO: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON RESTAURANT EVENING Lauren sits with her head down on the counter, as before. Nathan and the other KITCHEN STAFF try to work around her as she mopes. LAUREN Nothing works. Its hopeless. Lauren starts to choke up. Nathan goes to her, puts his arm around her. NATHAN There, there. Being single's not so bad. We'll always have each other. In the retirement home playing canasta As this sinks in, they both begin to whimper. Nathan wipes his eyes and goes back to what he was doing: making a tin foil flamingo. NATHAN (CONT'D) Well, okay, so food didn't work. How about some grand romantic gesture? LAUREN Winston hates romance. It's one of the things I love about her. NATHAN Nobody hates romance, they just say they do because they feel like they never have any. Maybe... I don't know... a serenade? LAUREN You've heard me sing.

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NATHAN Right. Maybe hiring someone for a serenade? CUT TO: INT. LAUREN'S HOME OFFICE - EVENING Dolly is bustling about the room, picking up things, examining them, and haphazardly tossing them into boxes. Winston enters and sees this. WINSTON Hey! Careful with those. DOLLY What does it matter to you? You've thrown my daughter out on the street, after all. WINSTON I didn't throw her out. I just asked her for a little space until I can get my head around all of this. DOLLY Just like you've gotten your belly around that? I may be a bit behind the times, dear, but I'm pretty certain that a man is still needed for that process. WINSTON No penis required. Just a test tube and a turkey baster. DOLLY The sin just never stops with you, does it? I can see that you've done my daughter a great favor by forcing her away from you and your bastard child. WINSTON Bastard? You mean Lauren didn't tell you? Figures. She seems to be pretty tight lipped about a lot of things these days. DOLLY Tell me what? WINSTON Lauren and I are legally married.

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DOLLY Impossible. And even if that were true, Lauren has nothing to do with that baby. WINSTON Wrong again. Her bun, my oven. This is Lauren's progeny stewing in here. DOLLY You mean that's... that's my grandchild? WINSTON You don't have to rub it in. I'm no happier about it than you are. CUT TO: INT. LE MAISON DU JAMBON RESTAURANT - LATER The kitchen is now empty except for Lauren and Nathan. She is finishing up frantically washing dishes. LAUREN You're sure they'll be available? NATHAN A Chinese mariachi band? Yeah. Pretty sure. LAUREN Great. Let's get out of here. CUT TO: INT. LAUREN'S HOME OFFICE - EVENING - CONTINUOUS WITH BEFORE DOLLY A grandchild. Praise the Lord. Oh, it'll be perfect. I'll stay home and care for the baby while Lauren's at work. WINSTON Wait... aren't you heading back to Bible Beltlandia? DOLLY Thanks to you I've lost my church, which was all I had. I have nothing to go back to. Winston suddenly doubles over in pain, giving a sharp yelp. Dolly gives her a disdainful look.

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DOLLY (CONT'D) Nice try, dear, but I am a professional performer. You can't get sympathy from me with an amateur attempt like that. Try it like this: AAAGGGGHH! WINSTON (through gritted teeth, clearly in pain) I don't think a basket of drowning puppies could get sympathy from you, you old... Another spasm rocks her. She screams. WINSTON (CONT'D) AAAAAAGGGHHH!! DOLLY Better, but it still needs work. Winston suddenly goes white and stares at the floor in horror. WINSTON (CONT'D) Oh. That can't be good. DOLLY What? Had a little accident? Get over it. It happens. Why, I remember one time when I was carrying Lauren... WINSTON (softly) Shut up. DOLLY What!? Now, really! There's no call to be rude, just because you've spilled a little water. WINSTON (still softly and calmly) It's not little, and it's not water. Listen to me very carefully. My purse and car keys are on the kitchen table. I need you to get them, bring the car around front, and take me to the hospital. Can you do that, Dolly?


DOLLY I'll do no such thing. Lauren may fall for your theatrics, but the Almighty keeps my eyes wide open to the manipulations of sinners. Winston suddenly lunges at her. WINSTON IM HEMORRHAGING, YOU FUCKING COW!! END OF ACT III

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ACT IV FADE IN: EXT. STERLING-JOHNSON HOUSE - LATER Rooftop POV, looking down on the front lawn. The house is dark. Nathan and an ASIAN MARIACHI BAND stand on the sidewalk. Lauren holds a plug. LAUREN And... hit it! She connects the plug. Dozens of pink flamingos light up on the lawn, spelling out "I'M SORRY!". The mariachi band starts playing an upbeat version of "I'm Sorry", except that they sing it as "I'm solly. So solly..." The house remains dark. CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER Winston is asleep until Lauren bursts into the room, hysterical. Nathan and the mariachis follow. LAUREN Winston? Honey? Oh God, are you all right? WINSTON Geez, babe. You sure have a rotten sense of timing. LAUREN I'm so sorry! I just got your message. Winston, baby. I won't even bother to ask you to forgive me this time. The mariachis burst into a couple bars of "I'm Solly" before Nathan shushes them. Lauren is crying. WINSTON (gently) Christ. Enough with the waterworks, okay? You know, you could stand to learn a thing or two from your moms about how to handle a crisis. LAUREN What does Mom have to do with this?

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WINSTON Well... she kind of, sort of... maybe saved my life. A little. LAUREN MY mom? WINSTON Yeah. The kid decided to make a rather dramatic entrance tonight, and if she hadn't been there, well... LAUREN Oh my God. How can I ever make this up to you? WINSTON You could start by taking all the midnight feedings and diaper changing shifts for the first twelve years or so. LAUREN From across town? WINSTON From where your ass is within striking distance of my foot. Exactly where it belongs. LAUREN You know nothing would make me happier... but what about Mom? She has nowhere else to go. I can't just abandon her. WINSTON Yeah, well see, I've been thinking. Do you remember that poem you recited at our wedding? About the woods? LAUREN "The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep." Yeah, I remember. WINSTON "And miles to go before I sleep." Yeah. I get that now. How life's a journey? And family is what's along for the ride, to make sure nobody steals the stereo while you run into the gas station to pee, right?

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LAUREN If you say so. WINSTON And we're a family now. We have to show the kid that counts for something. LAUREN All of us? WINSTON Yeah. Just as long as we keep Dolly on a leash tied to the back bumper, okay? I'm pretty sure she's not housebroken. LAUREN Done. Lauren throws her arms around Winston. The mariachis start up again, this time with a polka version of Can You Fear the Ruv Tonight? Winston smiles dreamily at them. WINSTON Man, you would not believe the drugs Im on. Suddenly Dolly enters, cradling a newborn. DOLLY Well, it's about time you showed up. Honestly, Lauren, you're the only woman on earth who could show up late to the birth of her own son. Dolly hands the bundle to Lauren, who stares at him, dazed. DOLLY (CONT'D) Now, I know you're Little Miss Busypants with your important job and all, but really. This young man has been here for hours just waiting to be given his Christian name. So what's it going to be? Hm? Lauren and Winston exchange a look, then Winston breaks into a mischievous grin.

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CUT TO: INT. LAUREN'S HOME OFFICE - EVENING HOME VIDEO CAMERA POV. Lauren addresses it as before. LAUREN Okay, so someday, when you're mad at me for grounding you, or not letting you use the car, just remember this: I am the only thing that stood between you and going through life as Satan Lucifer Beelzebub Sterling- Johnson. Lauren leans down out of frame for a moment then comes back holding a sleepy baby up for the CAMERA. She takes his tiny hand and waves it at the lens. LAUREN (CONT'D) (cooing to the baby) Say good night to your older self, Miles. Say nigh' night. Nigh' night, sweet boy. Yeah. She kisses him tenderly on the forehead, then leans in to turn off the CAMERA. FADE TO BLACK. END OF SHOW

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