1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth. 2.

Alton Browns chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots, even after he adds the bacon and lard. 3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon meringue. 4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds. 5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop theyd left for his mother and made it into a zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week. 6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an allstar team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was whimsy. 7. Alton Brown doesnt reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces. 8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown aint afraid of no chump neurotoxin. 9. Alton Browns blender has four speeds: stir, mix, frappe, and plasmify. 10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs. 11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry. 12. On Rachel Rays show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him. 13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope. 14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Browns knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can. 15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Browns vinaigrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstasy at forty paces. 16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lays potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didnt make himself, that is. 17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauted the splinters in olive oil and spices and they were delicious. 18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever try as they might, they simply cant do it his way. 19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. Its people! 20. Alton Browns cakes dont rise. They ascend. 21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Browns meats are so tender, hes had entire turkeys vanish into thin air. 22. Alton Browns no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kids leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence. 23. Alton Brown doesnt whip potatoes. Alton Browns potatoes whip themselves, if they know whats good for them. 24. Alton Browns other car is the Wienermobile. 25. Alton Browns show is called Good Eats, because Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms didnt play with the networks target demographic. 26. Alton Browns freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin. 27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arbys Horsey Sauce. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish. 28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching. 29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry. 30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.