PROMO: “Wrestling Is Dead”

For Our Readers: Shut up. We’re not giving you any more details, so just read already.

<i>Tommy Page is sitting in his locker room, doing nothing. Suddenly, the door knocks.</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> The hell, I don’t have any friends these days.

<i>He answers it, and his old tag team partner is at the door, listening to his iPod!</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> <i>[Unenthused]</i> Hey, come in. It’s about time.

<i>Tommy sits back down and puts on his iPod.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> I picture you as a lifelong Stevie Wonder fan.

<b>Tommy:</b> Um...did I make a topic or something recently that gives you that
impression? Cause I started listening to Stevie, like...Saturday. And though I'm a
big fan, that's just too coincidental.
<b>Miko:</b> No, I'm actually listening to Stevie and 98 Degrees right now . . . And now I’m
listening to “Dream On” by Aerosmith.

<b>Tommy:</b> Okay. That's weird. But I am a Stevie fan. 98 Degrees, well. I forget
most of their stuff.
<b>Miko:</b> As do I. That one song is like the only reason I still have the album.

<b>Tommy:</b> Hm.

<b>Miko:</b> …..

<b>Tommy:</b> …..

<i>Silence.

Actually, no. Now it’s time for the Quote of the Day! It is as follows:

<b>Stevie's great.</b>
-Miko, in an attempt to continue a conversation, circa 2007</i>

<b>Tommy:</b>Stevie is great. Well, classic era. That is, the 70's. I can't speak
much for his more recent stuff. But yet again, no one can really.
<b>Miko:</b> VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!

<b>Tommy:</b> I prefer the less known “Misstra Know It All.”

<b>Tommy:</b> But Supersititon's always a classic.

<b>Miko:</b> Lionel Richie is similarly good, but not his hooker daughter.

<b>Tommy:</b> I haven't heard much of Lionel. "We Are the World" and "Lady" are
about all I know of him.
<b>Miko:</b> All i really know is
YOU ARE THE SUN
YOU ARE THE RAIN
ETC AND SO ON

<b>Tommy:</b> His daughter is quite a whore, though I guess we all know that.
<b>Miko:</b> I don't know how someone that mediocratively unattractive can be such a whore.

<b>Tommy:</b> Her dad's famous. That's how.

<b>Miko:</b> I guess there are a lot of gold-digging males. I know I wouldn't touch her, that's bad
for your health.

<b>Tommy:</b> Hmm.

<b>Miko:</b> ….

<i>Oh, come on, guys. Not another break in conversation. This is too awkward and unexcited for
a reunion.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> Metallica is greedy.

<b>Tommy:</b> That's what people say. But really, who isn't greedy?
<b>Miko:</b> Molly Holly, from what I hear. She's a missionary in Guatemala. AND she has a nice
ass.

<b>Tommy:</b> And she won't let anyone have her ass. Thus, greedy.
<b>Miko:</b> No, modest. I'm sure she'd be willing to share her ass with one person, if he was
looking for a wholesome, long-term relationship.

<b>Tommy:</b> And I'm sure Metallica allows one person to listen to their music for
free.
<b>Miko:</b> Yes, but it's not any of Lars Ulrich's family members. I've heard they have to call
him on a 900 number.

So? Molly's in GUATEMALA. That's very long distance. And you

<b>Tommy:</b>
know she's got her hand in the phone company's pockets.
<b>Miko:</b> I'd like to have my hand in her pockets... Her BACK pockets, that is! HEYO!

<b>Tommy:</b> Yes, I understood. Because of the ass. But she won't let you do
that, as she's greedy.

<b>Miko:</b> Wholesome.

<b>Tommy:</b> Yeah, in the sense that she wants the whole thing to herself.
<b>Miko:</b> That's... not wholesome. That's greedy. Oh.

<b>Tommy:</b> I've never lost an argument, sir, and this is no different.

<b>Miko:</b> I thought you had.

<b>Tommy:</b> I probably have, but I choose not to remember them.

<b>Miko:</b> We should probably just copy and paste this conversation as a start to our
comeback promo.

<b>Tommy:</b> Our comeback will be the best ever. We'll call it "Wrestling is Dead."
It'll sell a million copies.
<b>Miko:</b> Hmm. That, then, makes this kind of like a recursive promo. Like that damned, uh,
what the hell was that program called that i couldn't figure out… Reverse_Substring. That. Err
wait no, Swap_Substring. I was able to figure it out several different ways. But they said I had to
come up with four DIFFERENT recursive versions. And there was one particular one that was just
beyond me. And I'm like "I made the program work anyway, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT LIKE
THIS.” I walked away with a C.

<b>Tommy:</b> I lost ya. But keep going with it, I might catch on eventually.
<b>Miko:</b> I can't. That's the end of the story.

<b>Tommy:</b> Well then, I guess we've got quite a mess on our hands.
<b>Miko:</b> We shot our wad early on what was supposed to be a dry run.

<b>Tobias:</b> That's my line!

<b>Miko:</b> No no, Tobias. We've been told unexplained cameos are banned from our promos
from now on.

<b>Tommy:</b> I originally was going to do the Tobias line, but then I felt that it
wasn't exactly premature...but I don't plame you for going there.
<b>Miko:</b> I wouldn't plame myself, either. Quick, allow us to pursue various one-liners about
your silly typo, i.e. “The plame, boss! The plame!” or “Dead man walking!” Get it, because he's
getting married.

<b>Tommy:</b>No, I don't get it. I mean, honestly. What are you going for with that
one? I'm clueless. Marriage is a beautiful institution. Why would you mock it so?
<b>Miko:</b> I'm engaged, did you know that?

<b>Tommy:</b> I thought so, but I wasn't sure.

<i>(GameFAQs Hint: The best wrestlers are mere exaggerations of their true selves.)</i>

<b>Miko:</b> It's true. I like HER ass too, so she's like Molly Holly, except that she still has her
womanly locks.

<b>Tommy:</b> That's nice. I'm engaged, too. Only, don't tell her that. Because
technically, I just intend to drug her and bring her to Vegas, and McMahon-
Helmsley this one. But we know that turned out well, so I'm sure I'll end up the
same.
<b>Miko:</b> Did you know that they were not TRULY married by that ceremony? But it was
merely what some call "Kayfabe." And now, to Bigg Jonn for the rest.

<b>Bigg Jonn:</b> Wouldn't it be great if someone replaced the letter "F" with "EGSB"?

Kay...fabe? Well, I bet that if your NAME was Kay Fabe...that could
<b>Tommy:</b>
cause some confusion!

<b>Vince Russo:</b> ...what a great idea!

<b>Eric Bischoff:</b> Make it a Kay Fabe on a pole match!

<b>Vince McMahon:</b> Make it a Kay Fabe's MOTHER on a pole match!

<b>Paul Heyman:</b> No... no.....

<b>John 18:25<b> <i>Paul Heyman wept.</i>

<b>Jesus:</b> ...Damn it, John, let's keep it about me, hmm?

<b>Miko:</b> Jesus would never swear. Look, Tommy, if we're gonna be a tag team, you've got to
recognize that I'm going to keep pushing my subtle Christian values on our segments for several
months until I secretly injure you and take over the show! It'll be ironic, mostly out of its
perpendicularism to the last time we teamed together.

<b>Tommy:</b> Perpendicularism? I thought you just said you were Christian...

<b>Miko:</b> Actually, I'm a Christadelphina. And by Christadelphina, I mean Christadelphian. If
you look us up on CARM.org (Christian Apologetics Research Ministry), you'll find that some
believe that we are a "cult."

<b>Tommy:</b> Oh, well, I'm in a cult, too. Dylanology. We find salvation in Bob
Dylan lyrics.
<b>Miko:</b> Ah, right. I've been meaning to pick up a copy of your scripture, Dylanetics.

<b>Tommy:</b> It'll open your mind, I promise. And if you pay them enough, they'll
let you in on the secret of what "Desolation Row" means.
<b>Miko:</b> That sounds halfway fishy. But that still leaves the fish half-empty! I'm in! Just let me
go grab my wallet.

<i>Miko heads over to the other side of the locker room, leaving Luca to talk to himself. And by
"himself", I of course mean the camera and dozens of fans watching this on closed-circuit Detroit-
area television.</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> Little does Miko know, but I have secretly replaced his wallet with
Folger's coffee. This is gonna be wild!
<i>Miko walks back with a coffee mug.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> This coffee looks more like green tea, but has a very rich taste.

<b>Tommy:</b> I thought you were looking for your wallet?

<b>Miko:</b> Yeah, I found it, but I spent it on the coffee machine in the hallway.

<b>Tommy:</b> Well, sir. It appears I've been made a fool.

<b>Miko:</b> How so?

<b>Tommy:</b> You see, I secretly replaced your wallet with Folger's coffee.
However, it appears that was not your wallet, as you appear to have found your
wallet in order to purchase this coffee. So my question is, who's wallet did I
secretly replace with Folger's coffee?
<i>Suddenly, Chuck Norris walks in, trying to drink a credit card out of his wallet.</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> Chuck Norris?! I thought you were dead!

<b>Chuck:</b> No. That was you.

<i>Chuck delivers a flying kick from across the room to Tommy, but he quickly
moves out of the way. What are the odds.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> We've been training since you abandoned us, Chuck! AND we've been eating our
Senzu beans! But not training.

<b>Tommy:</b> And those weren't technically Senzu beans. They were jelly beans.
And some Altoids. And I think I tasted a carrot. How I mistook it for a Senzu bean
I'll never know, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a carrot.
<b>Miko:</b> You see, we have a new manager now, Chuck. You're out! And THIS guy's in!

Ladies and gentlemen...introducing...the new manager...of the

<b>Tommy:</b>
Super Friends...MISTERRRRR....

<i>Miko and Tommy stare at the door, before eventually turning back to one
another.</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> ...I thought you had a guy.

<b>Miko:</b> ....I thought YOU had a guy.

<b>Tommy:</b> Well, I obviously have nothing! W-w-w-why would you fire Chuck if
you didn't have a guy?!
<b>Miko:</b> I didn't fire him. I disappeared. I thought YOU had a g-- I mean, I thought YOU fired
him.
 I, I just...wha...what are we gonna do?! We can't win without a
<b>Tommy:</b>
manager! Uh, I, uh...what are our options now?!
<b>Miko:</b> Okay, you know what? Hold on. I have an idea.

<i>Miko whips out his phone and speed dials someone.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> Hey. Yeah. No, I don't have that cake yet. What? I don't care if she's your mother, a
deal's a deal. Just me at the arena. When? Now, you idiot. I'll expect you in five. I'm sure you can
use your SUPER SPEED [Miko winks at the camera] to get here in time. . . Coke would be good.
Yeah. Bye.

<b>Tommy:</b> No Coke, Pepsi!

<b>Miko:</b> ...That's not what we were talking about, Tombo.

<b>Tommy:</b> Did you just call me an instrument?

<b>Miko:</b> No no. That'd be the Bango.

<b>Tommy:</b> That's not my name-o.

<b>Miko:</b> Right. Your name is Tombo.

Really? Well, you learn something new every day. My name is

<b>Tommy:</b>
Tombo. And Stevie Wonder's real name is Stevland. Hey, maybe Stevland could
be our manager. Wait a minute...you were just on the phone with our manager!
Who's you get?
<b>Miko:</b> I think Home Improvement's on TBS right now. Let's watch Home Improvement.

<b>Tommy:</b> Are you telling me you got Wilson? Cause I'm pretty sure he's dead.
And hey, did you hear...Anna Nicole's dead. I'm surprised the news hasn't been
covering that. Big story.
<b>Miko:</b> It has been covering that.

<b>Tommy:</b> Really? Well, I guess I wouldn't know. I only watch the Spanish
channel. I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. Seriously. What does
"Anna Nicole" mean?
<b>Miko:</b> I'm no Latin major, but I'm pretty sure it means "My ass is hottest when I'm at my
fattest.” Which would be a truth for people like me.

<b>Tommy:</b> And that certainly is news.

<b>Miko:</b> What's that supposed to mean?

<b>Tommy:</b> Hey, Home Improvement ison! Let's watch it.

<b>Miko:</b> Okay.

<i>Miko sits down. Tommy sits down.Chuck turns on the television, but levitates using his
kneecaps. The Wonder Twins simultaneously stall for time, as they both expect the
other to do something.They don't.</i>
<b>Miko:</b> Hahaha. "I don't think so, Tim!" Genius.

<b>YOU'RE ALL I EVER WANTED

YOU'RE ALL I EVER NEEDED, YEAAHHH</b>

<b>Miko:</b> Oh! That's me.

<i>Miko grabs his phone.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> Hello?

<i>Tommy looks at his phone.</i>

<b>Tommy:</b> </i>You</i> never sing to <i>me</i>...

<b>Miko:</b> Yeah, third door on the left. Can't miss it.

<i>Miko hangs up.<i>

<b>Miko:</b> Tommy, I'd like to introduce you to our new manager, Shannon.

<b>Tommy:</b> Sossamon?! She's a fine actress.

<b>Miko:</b> No no. An even better actress.

<i>The door bursts open, and smoke fills the locker room! Spike Dudley, who's been quietly
changing in the corner this entire time, passes out. Strobe lights hit. Miko gets an erection.</i>

<b>Shannon:</b> YOU RANG, BOSS?!?!?

<i>In walks the man, the myth, the legend....

The showstopper...

The main event...

The game...

The franchise....

The real deal....

Good friend of John Stamos...

Arch nemesis of that guy who played Mr. Wick on The Drew Carey show...

HE IS

SHANNON

MOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…GASM!</i>

Gotta admit. Did not think you had a plan with that one, Italics. But
<b>Tommy:</b>
you came through. You always do.
<i>Ain't no thing, mamacita.</i>

<b>Chuck:</b> Wait a minute, wait a minute. You replaced ME with SHANNON MOORE?!?

<b>Shannon:</b> The system is a failure.

<b>Tommy:</b> "The System is a Failure" is the title of the Dylanism lecture on

"Hurricane!" I didn't know you read Dylanetics!
<b>Shannon:</b> Big brother is a ploy.

<b>Miko:</b> Uh, what?

<b>Tommy:</b> But little brother...that's where it's at.

<b>Shannon:</b> Defy progress.

<b>Tommy:</b>Progress was a concept invented by Teddy Roosevelt in order to

promote the controversial invention of Van Halen. I've never been a fan of
progress.
<b>Miko:</b> Wait, Tommy. He's not making a whole lot of sense. If he's supposed to talk for us,
this might not work out too well. I immediately regret this decision. Also, I agree with your
argument about the evolution of Van Halen.

<b>Tommy:</b>It's mostly Valeria Burntenenena's fault, but we can't place all the
blame on just one person now, can we?
<b>Miko:</b> Sure we can. That's what we did with The Green Lantern.

<b>Shannon:</b> Cities fall.

<b>Tommy:</b> Oh, right. But there was conclusive evidence that it was always his
fault, most of the time.
<b>Miko:</b> That doesn't make sense.

<b>Shannon:</b> Invade the masses.

<b>Miko:</b> Look, Shannon, I don't think you're going to be very useful for us if all you ever do is
recite irrelevant sentences of five words or less.

<i>Spike Dudley starts getting up to his feet.</i>

<b>Spike:</b> What... the hell.... Not paid enough... I always lose.... Unghh....
<i>Without any hesitation at all, Moore rushes over to Chuck Norris, knees him in the
balls, reaches into Chuck’s pants, grabs Chuck’s patented chrome combination Roto-
Rooter/Aborigine Spear, and uses it to gore Spike Dudley right in the eye! This is clearly
payback for the legendary Cruiserweight Wars of 2003.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> ……

<b>Tommy:</b> …..

<b>Chuck:</b> ..My balls… My….

<i>Chuck collapses, and Shannon turns around, stoic as ever.</i>

<b>Miko:<b> Shannon, uh… Wow…

<i>Moore slowly walks over to the camera and looks it straight in the eye. Err, lens.
Something.</i>

<b>Shannon:</b> The Backdoor Boys fail.

<b>Tommy:</b> Uh.. What? Are you challenging them for us?

<i>Shannon sends Tommy a quick glance filled with malice, and Tommy pisses
himself.</i>

<b>Miko:</b> Haha, you wet yourself. This is what happens when you get off of AIM
and leave the end of the promo to me. <i>[Towards the camera now]</i> It looks like
we’re going to feud with The Backdoor Boys for a week or something, just to get started.
So, uh, that’s it. Go away.

<b>Spike:</b> …My eye….

<b>Chuck:</b> …My balls….

<b>Tommy:</b> ….My pants….

<b>Shannon:</b> Loss is gain.

<b>Miko:</b> O_o;;

<i>Quick, fade to commercial. That’s it.</i>

<b>FIN</b>