What Gives You the Right to Put Me Down?

(I Can Do It Myself)
a collection of poems, prose and philosophy

by Nor Huda binti Mohd Izam

Published by Scrimshaw Press In conjunction with Lulu 3131 RDU Center, Suite 210 Morrisville, North Carolina 27560 (www.lulu.com) Copyright Nor Huda binti Mohd Izam and Scrimshaw Press 2007 All Rights Reserved ISBN Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part or portion of this work may be reproduced, stored in or entered into a retrieval system by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner and author. The scanning, uploading and distribution of this work via the Internet or any other means without the permission of the author is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrightable material. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated. FIRST EDITION Printed and Manufactured in the United States of America

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Acknowledgements
To Dennis Weiser my guru, who said pursue, pursue and worshipped my inner narcissa To Tyiara, Baby and Syer, for taking time to read and comment, To Khairina and many anonymous readers (you know who you are), for even giving a glance, all of you make me feel loved To blogging and music, for being there and saving me from spending money on a shrink. To spoiledink.com, myspace.com, friendster.com and multiply.com, For obvious community reasons. Lastly, the most important, To the English Language for being my comfort pillow to cuddle whenever I feel like it.

Table of Contents
Table of Contents Preface i iii

Panting in Prose The Biggest Sin Was When I Said I Love You and Meant It 1 Happy Birthday 2 Staring Sadie Behold the Great Rubberband 6 Of Whipping and Being a Dominatrix 7 Of the body temple That Girl So Sad 10 Your Beautiful Dream 11 My own waters Cinderella Story 13 To the Old Man 14 Mr. Discoman and I Rejecting a Flirt 16 You Came Too Late 18 Mary of the Movies Revenge 20 To That Person Who Is Not God 21 Cry 22 When Copper Becomes Gold in the Hands of an Idle Mind I Fell Yeah It Was You Damn I Miss You Blessed Brain Your Perfect Life My Mr. Heartbreaker Screwy Angel The Sleep Test To Paradise Untouched (by me) i 24 25 26 28 30 33 35

It Blue Blood Vanity To Unsatisfiable People around the World (POEM I) My First Time Here Bent Batik Of Loving a Shadow Never yet again Rant 43 Tragedy Almost Like Two

36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 46 47

ii

Preface
This being a first (of many more books to come I hope), I had trouble picking out what to include and what kind of image I was trying to portray here. I have always been a kind of underground rebel, in life and in my writings. I did not want readers to think that this as an autobiography of some sort, but in a way, it actually is. Writing has always been a love of my life, a passion actually, but that passion was only expressed during examination times and that only when required to write an essay in English classes. The impulse to again pick up the pen came perhaps first after finishing an almost impossible paper in Medical class, first year. My Mr. Heartbreaker first made its debut on the examination halls desk. I had been listening to No Doubt and had the beat of the song Bathwater drumming incessantly in my head throughout the test. Then came spoiledink.com, in the form of Alan Emmins sending me an invite through myspace.com. I joined in and posted more poems; among them Behold the Great Rubberband, Cinderella Story, Rejecting a Flirt, That Girl So Sad, To That Person Who Is Not God, To The Old Man and Your Beautiful Dream. There was also the poem I am Malay, which I myself banned. I have the spoiledink.com community to thank, as my poems and I flourished a lot under their care, before the site became not free anymore. This is where I first came to know the wonderful Dennis Weiser. iii

I also joined other literary groups on myspace.com, too many to mention, but all helpful in many ways. I was exposed to the many forms of poetry and prose, and received helpful comments from fellow writers, even collaborating with another writer, Carlos (who I regretfully lost contact with) in creating a poem. I hesitated first on whether to include it here as I have no permission from said author, but included It anyway and with many apologies. It was almost the same time that I started dabbling around with photo editing programs. Starting with a borrowed laptop, I advanced on by buying my own personal computer. After that, I was unstoppable. Art wise, I allowed myself to expand, but I could not say the same about my development as a human being. I became distant with people who claim to be my friends and went on an emotional roller coaster ride. It turned out that Well, Im sorry, but I shall stop myself from giving out too much of myself here, this being not an autobiography of mine. Perhaps when I know Im ready to be vulnerable to the world. You may wonderwho is this Mary of the Movies? Although the picture I used was of an acquaintance of mine, I beg you not to judge her as so. For I hate judging and judgments when you do not know the personLike what a Mary of the Movies would do. Nor Huda Yogyakarta, Indonesia, October 24, 2006

iv

Panting in Prose

The Biggest Sin Was When I said I Love You and Meant It So you said "Hush this won't hurt not if you start screaming it wouldn't, so Put that guard down and let your instincts go we'll start having fun because I say so sweet baby honey because I say so "Forget all about the blood" and I'll focus on this love as my nails dig into you I'll be the only girl you ever think of as you say Put that guard down and let your instincts go we'll start having fun because I say so sweet baby honey because I say so Please. Don't. Stop. "As you say so sweet baby honey as you say so". 1

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday stranger Here's to a joyous day I hope you don't lie wasted In your own pool of tears On your birthday dear stranger please don't slit your wrists and color the tiles amber it leaves a stubborn stain For your birthday lovely stranger although it's lonely and cold I wish you a happy day Oh beautiful stranger I give you this happy day.

Staring Sadie

Behold the Great Rubberband

I am like a rubberband with a dream of flying far

and

you keep on stretching stretching stretching stretching me

...then I snapped

and you recoiling by reflex threw me away.

Of Whipping and Being a Dominatrix Everything here might or might not happen... depending on how wild your imagination is... As the usual rendezvous', they all started with the Internet Relay Chat Service. Accepting invites to various rooms, like playing a game of hide and seek. Peek-a-boo, yoohoo... here I am, talk to me. Feathered in absurdly fashioned nicknames, vying for attention... pick me, pick me... talk to me... Shamelessly flaunting things that you may not have... oh of course... My breasts are mountains, come play within these valleys... or... Of course I could tie you up... maybe... No, I'm free of STD's. Then comes the one savior... the one who stands out from the rest... and catching your eye... then... Let's meet, where are you... Of course, any pictures? The usual a/s/l questions... Don't you ever get tired of it? Of course you say, but there is the fun of it all... The one who breaks all moulds, the one who doesn't always start their questions with Hey baby, let's shag... not... I love vaginas... never... Who are you.... Never one of these lame people. Then you find yourself in a car, on a motorcycle, or walking. Meeting strangers, comforting your fears with "a stranger's just a friend you haven't met". Out for sex, camouflaged by dinners, books or trips to the mall... Comfortable without the usual mask you wear for society, but with a mask of impurity. Basking in the glory of not being caught... Laughing away the day... or night... Anticipation of a new adventure soon to come... Between sheets and sins... Finding yourself being tied up... or tying someone up. Between being whipped or the one whipping. Every slashing sound like a catalyst, rushing between your erythrocytes. Shivering with every little pain inflicted, getting more and more excited with every moan. Every words of pain soothes your own wounds inside, calms your own insecurities... You slowly accept that you are someone... Bigger, smaller... depending on who wears the collar.

Finally, letting that rush of pleasure passing through your groins. Wanting it to happen again and again... Shamelessly being ashamed, taunting and taunted... Gaining your self worth by losing respect... Licking every drop of your humility. Wasn't that fun? Walking out of the cramped hotel space, bruised but alive. Knowing that what happened was the deepest kind of trust, the loveliest kind of affection ... and finding yourself in front of the blue screen yet again... another adventure unraveling.

Of the body temple

That Girl So Sad

Don't you know? It's hard not to take you seriously to bleed by your words is easy (do you think before you talk?) or do you talk without thinking that people have feelings or don't you? do you? (have you no heart?) but you wept when he left you without words he went maybe he didn't have your vocabulary (that's what I heard) or maybe not or maybe you just never cared.

Your Beautiful Dream (on Shirin Devis Birthday)

Is it okay if I catch your dreams with my tongue? (like the snowflakes in winter remind you of hot cocoa and warm dreams and stockings woven with love) your dreams are so beautiful you are so beautiful that angels faint at your feet (or fall asleep to be a part of your dream?) wake up wake up wake up before the rising sun or you'd be mistaken as one.

Pictures are Poems Too

My own waters

Cinderella Story You with your crown on display (is it just me or are you smirking?) am I always this way? or didn't you beat me hard enough or tell me how you hated me so much yesterday? you who keeps pieces of your broken glass shoe, (and still clings to worn red carpets) do you want me to be you? or not go what you went through? or be myself but doing what you wanted to? You when you pause and look ahead, and forget about yourself for a moment, or about me and just be breathing you could be so beautiful.

To the old man It is just a smile I told my friends to the old man selling pulut cakes a basketful on his head I want to reach out my questions, and have him answer I do love stories So, Is it just a smile now? I asked my friends, when I smile to the old man selling pulut cakes to have him smile back at me?

10

Mr. Discoman and I

Rejecting a Flirt Please don't compare me to the scorch of summer day (I'm not warming up to your praises) or to the darling buds of May I'm not as pretty as you say (and I am aware) Please don't tell me anything about myself that I cannot see beyond the gilded frames or behind that twinkle in your eye glazed by lust (and probably beer) I do apologize but Please don't bother me I'm waiting until another one like you comes over to tell me I'm beautiful too but I'll follow him home just to spite you Please don't be angry I was joking but Please leave me or buy me a drink and stay away thank you.

11

You Came Too Late

It's always a sad face It is never yours It is real and unexplored It shows my heart at its best before I lay crumpled on the floor I would have been better off If you came earlier Or didn't bother coming at all For there's no room for your words of caution, While I'm writhing from my fall Now my tears have dried And my heart no longer mends I am bent, I am broken, I am battered, There is nothing left to hold in your outstretched hands.

12

Mary of the Movies

Revenge

All technology is revenge Puma da Vinci then Zeus.

How appropriate of engineers to bill back doctors

and with much pleasure.

13

To That Person Who Is Not God

Excuse me, but I want to know your name, It certainly is not God, so why are you so vain?

why?

stop bragging, this is my piece of earth too I can stand on whichever side right?

why not?

14

Cry (to Mary of the Movies)

who could ever admit of hating you with angels as your skin and lips laced with sugar as sonettes play with your every step

and I rejoice the thought of catching your words as they fly with daggers towards my heart noticing it but withstanding just to be near you for you to know me

sometimes I weep tears because I bleed out of my sorow like erithrocytes lysed too nano to notice.

15

When Copper Becomes Gold in the Hands of an Idle Mind

I Fell

I could have fallen in love But you chose to walk away Leaving me here alone to stay With pieces of my heart

Just when I start to mend Almost whole again you tear me up stomping me broken after you made me sane

I could have stayed in love If you chose to stay Being with me here awaiting the day as death do us part.

17

Yeah It Was You

Who knew that I'd love women and men and everything in between the sheets and without it today.

I have hated and rejected everything before you time stopped still

and none of my blood spilled yet.

18

Damn I Miss You

Do I smell you or your coffee mocha flavoured or is it your cigarette I told you to stop smoking didn't I? well... I guess you can't stop burning think you don't love me as much as I do you like when you told me give you my... lilies and roses now my garden doesn't smell as nice as before you son of angels don't you know your footsteps are still here?

19

Blessed Brain

Your Perfect Life You say that we are alike and You hold no secrets from me but You hide away from my questions though I give you what you want for free. Your back is clear of my scars and Your shoulders not stooped like mine but You pretend your problem is the same though I don't live your perfect life.

21

My Mr. Heartbreaker turn around just tell me that I'm wrong and you knew all along this heart has beat its final beat but please, please mr heartbreaker don't tell me I'm your one forever this thing of you and me was never meant to be mr heartbreaker , please I'm finally caught in my own tale spinning and your love bets will never win and this plastic love runs nowhere between the drastic lives I've seen you been and
I amuse yourself with your own hands again

I'll be sweet for you for you but just take a step back because I'm not needing this my sins are I'll carry myself let me fall again.

22

Screwy Angel

The Sleep Test I love the presence of strangers around me. I have no qualms bringing them home and showing them my messy room. One person at a time of course. With strangers there is always something new to talk about. With strangers there is less chance of judgments. Then I'll switch my computer on and let these people play around. I'll suddenly be very sleepy and say, "Give me 5 minutes for a nap". Only one person has since passed this test, but he's avoiding me now. The one person who passed this test didn't try to wake me up, but merely kissed me gently on the forehead, and left. The others... started grabbing or holding stuff they weren't given permission to. Me being who I am, I'll respond with a moan. Then I'll open my eyes and say matter of factly, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Then depending on the person, he either fumbled shamelessly on or became flustered and started apologizing. I don't recommend the sleep test to people who live too far from civilization and those without the proper knowledge of men's weak spots. 23

To Paradise Untouched (by me) Hey Bali How have you been missing me? as I have been missing you the smell of the sea the sounds of sand beneath my feet Hey Bali Why haven't you called me? as I have been calling you over and over repeatedly a faint whiff of my dreams Hey Bali Can't you tell that I'm lying? you have never hugged me dear Bali who am I to you? Hey Bali although we only meet in dreams remember me please as I will always do.

24

It staring out from painted eyes out of the smirk of their mona lisa smiles and daggers that yell "Macbeth!" guilt dripping to the floor cinderellas stolen shoe prince and princess to passion owned and devoured numb from a poisoned apple unable to speak out and no one looks out of their masks of human and of that they cheer telephone cord tight wire dancing above acidic acid tanks skinned alive and live for skin puddles of shadows making noiseless chatter on cold mosaic floors

25

Blue Blood Vanity

To Unsatisfiable people around the world (to Mary of the Movies too) If you think I'll tell you you're beautiful You're wrong I'll turn around Just leave you alone I've been feeding your vanity Waiting when its time for me Waiting until you recognize me Until I finally can see You need to taste the dirt As you fall and face it Because I won't take it Because I tire of this game You not knowing my name Somehow I've changed I know Truly know that You need to taste the dirt As you fall and face it Because I won't take it

27

(POEM I)

We are living In a paradise of muted screams Of silent tasteless tears and hyperbolic hysteria We are deafened by sounds of laughter Blinded by gleaming gold made senseless as our hearts grow cold We are lost in our paradise That we forget What goes beyond that.

28

My first time here

It is past my curfew The watch ticks past 10 30 now I'm somewhere new Feeling tired like an old cow.

There's a candle on the table The plastic container since long melted I'd interrupt if able but French lessons I took for granted

A muslim man is drinking beer Zero percent alcohol it seems I could only leer I believe it's rude to point and scream.

29

Bent Batik

Of loving a Shadow

I see Yellow helmets everywhere I think Im going crazy Dont you know dear? I miss you deeply.

31

never yet again

When does never ends I keep hearing you say "never again" never yet again repeating never yet again rewinding never yet again saying doing hurting never yet again so when does never ever ends?

32

Rant 43 - A medical student (1st year) I have always accepted coming here as fate, as something I need to do to repay my debt to my parents. Some kind of repentance for losing the familys jewelry but then a piece of paper ruined my mood for maybe the rest of my life. I didnt know I was so stupid. I did pass the entrance exam. I didnt cheat like I did in school; I studied my butt off for that entrance exam. I even tried to understand physics in one night. I didnt even attempt cheating for the rest of my medical school days. Maybe I should cheat or at least go to the library every day like that girl in front of me who keeps telling people to shut up in class and is so annoying I want to punch her on her mustached face but its not my style. Not my style to go to the library that is I aspire to punch her and see her teeth on the floor and probably a dozen other people more. God I feel like shit. And that is another fault of mine, I only use Gods name in profanities. I seldom pray, doing it only when Im in the mood. Im such a pathetic case of a human being I know. I ask Him of a lot of things yet I dont plead the right way. Its not as if I dont know religion, I just dont have the will to do it I guess, plus the fact that I LOVE sex makes it even harder. I mean, how do you expect to pray with a sticky vagina? And I so hate taking baths. Im not a water person. Maybe the fact that I didnt bathe that morning didnt wash my bad luck off. Last of my class? I just cant accept that, even though I do not study half as hard as those in my class. I still do believe in my brainpower. And it was just a lab report for GODS SAKES!!! I dont even need brains to do it. More than half of the class just copied 100 percent from the manual and their drawings were horrible. I did discussions by referring to books something I rarely do and my drawings were even on separated papers. Clean white A4 papers to be exact, not those horrible 33

lined papers those other kids used, and they got more than 80 I got 43!!! Talk about fairness. Im starting to consider that Im actually really stupid. I think Ill start believing that just to make me feel easier. You know ease my conscience or something. Maybe.

34

Tragedy

Almost Like Two Staring out, past the door and straight to the JaKal* Street, When before I see solid forms: boxes of cars, monstrous clunky busses and the ever impatient motorcycle drivers all trudging, all honking, all plodding along the trickling traffic... Now it's a highway of blurred lines, colors and shadows, and I hear no honking. It's a festive season, but there are no firecrackers going off in me. This festive season, warmth has not touched me, as I sleep bent in front of blinking blank monitors. JaKal : Jalan Kaliurang

35

Nor Huda binti Mohd Izam is a survivor of the 2004 Christmas tsunami and earthquake which devasted populations in Indonesia. Nor Huda is a former medical student at Yogyakarta University. She enjoys photography, music and the arts. Her work has appeared on the World Wide Web at SpoiledInk.com [now EditRed.com] and Friendster.com