Self Reflection Log 1.) This was the first meeting of our little family.

I was reticent to share such negative things about myself to relative strangers. I slowed out of my cohort and into this new cohort and am still struggling to find my place and new friends. Sharing that I am manipulative, have negative self talk and wallow in self-doubt was difficult. Its not as if revealing those things really make others want to be your friend. I opted to go second in sharing and I actually found that once I was talking, the others in my group were really supportive and encouraging. I felt as if I was met. It is difficult to be so vulnerable right off the bat with people, but I think that it served several purposes. First is the trauma bondwe all shared these crazy things about ourselves and survived. Second, it is a great reminder as to what a client feels walking into the room and revealing all this bad stuff about themselves. I think that if I am going to be able to be a good therapist, remembering how hard it is to make myself vulnerable is a great place to start. One last observation: one member of my group told me how her therapist helped her to get her negative self talk under control. I found myself to be pretty reactive to receiving advice from this person I dont really know. 2.) In this weeks exercise we each took a turn sharing, listening and observing. I felt that because I had already had my first practicum experience, I was much more relaxed and ready to play the role of the listener. I got great feedback from both the talker and the observer. In fact, in prac, one of my clients told me, I think youll be a great counselor. Then I got this great feedback in practice time too. This feedback is actually creating a feeling of anxiety in me because I know Ive got so much to learn and I feel very unskilled and it feels like people are just being nice. Also, the feedback my listener got was all pretty supportive and I didnt think she did that great a job. When it was my turn to observe, I tried to be honest and supportive. I guess I am looking for more honest feedback so I can build my skills! But, it cant happen any faster than it happens. ARG! As a side note, I found it was hard (once again) to discuss my weaknesses. I worry that people are going to think I am crazy and I dont belong in the program. This was compounded somewhat by the fact that one of my group didnt talk about her real issues, and did a role play instead. Aha! Insight! I am critical of my fellow students because I am critical of myself as well! 3.)This week we started the process in earnest. Because my group is a foursome, we were short on time. This meant that I got a chance to be the client, but not the therapist. This was pretty tough for me. I came into the exercise willing to reveal a bit about my current situation. I started crying and was very real. Afterwards, however, I was scared about what my group might think of me. They got to see me in a vulnerable position, but because I wasnt able to take the therapist role they didnt get to see me as capable. After reflection, I feel I gave a gift to the therapist in my group because I did meet him with such genuine rawness and I gave him an opportunity to practice being with that intensity. As to my feelings of inadequacy, I know that those are my issues I need to work through and probably dont truly reflect my groups impressions of me. However, it is telling that they are so close to the surface for me. I need to be extra aware in these first weeks of practicum that I am taking care of myself in addition to learning to become a good counselor.

4.) This weeks exercise was SO difficult for me. I went first in the counselor role because I didnt get a chance last week. The restraints on speech made it difficult for me to feel like I was in the counselor role. There were also the additional complications of going first and not having an example to follow. Jill came in at the end of our session while we were doing feedback and I told her that the restraints made me feel inadequate as a counselor. The person in the client role agreed that I was inadequate. That was pretty rough to hear. I think she realized after she took her turn as counselor that it was a pretty difficult exercise, nevertheless, she didnt feel heard or something when I was her counselor and that was hard to hear, feel and acknowledge. At the end of the day, I could see how powerful the statement can be. Even if you get the emotion wrong, the client will correct you and clarify things not only for you but for themselves as well. As a side note I am feeling some judgment around one of the members in my group and I am wondering where in me its coming from and why. I am going to keep an eye on this feeling and see what in me is being triggered. 5.) We did essentially the same exercise this week and it went much better. I am realizing more and more how much energy it takes to do this right. I think it will always take a lot of psychic energy, but here at the beginning when it is all so new and I feel like I am floundering, it is especially taxing. I used a few you feel b/c statements in prac this week and it went OK. After this weeks practice, I feel I could use the statement even better. I do feel like I am improving week by week, but in some areas, I feel like I am regressing. AHH!! This week especially I felt as if my cl.s needed a therapist, but they only have me. I also struggled this week with empathy vs sympathy. One of my cl.s was so sad this week. I was sad with him. I struggle with saying something so seemingly trivial as, oh, that is so sad, when the cl is SO MUCH more than sad. In the room it felt like me just being there with him was enough, but in supervision, I was told I needed to say something. I guess I am a work in progress. I want so badly to be helpful to my cl.s. I hope that my intentions and small amount of skill are enough. 6.) This week it was summarizing. This skill seems like a great one to have. The problem is that when I am in the room with my little group, I can rock these skills. However when I get in the room with my clients, I feel like it all goes out the window! I know this isnt entirely true, and that I am doing a fine job with my cls, but I feel like I do so much better with my classmates. I wonder if its because its so safe and the pressure is off? Or perhaps its that we have just the one skill in isolation to practice and when we are in the room, we need to bring them all? In practice group, summarizing was really helpful to the client. Putting out what they had just said and accurately reflecting seemed to combine empathy and sometimes a tiny bit of challenge. I tried to do this in prac this week, and found that I could accurately summarize what we had just covered, but I struggle with a whole session summary. Although, I am able to reflect themes. Ack! I feel like I am struggling through a very awkward adolescence. 7.) Today we looked at confrontation. Because of time and us being a 4 some, I was not in the therapist position today, but I was a client. I had an interesting revelation around confrontation in that I have already done some confrontation with my clients and how it feels natural to me, but I still felt like an jerk for pushing them. In my personal life, I am

very clear in my communication, and try to take responsibility for my own actions, which makes it easier for me to confront someone who I am in relationship with b/c I am owning my part. But near the end of my session, I realized that there is someone I have conflicts with that I have completely ignored rather than confront. I find it interesting that this relationship was overlooked by me so completely! In thinking about why I dont confront her I realized that Im not sure she could take it, or that our relationship would ever recover. I need to be aware of this feeling scared about the relationship when I am counseling. I need to trust that if I do the work, the therapeutic alliance can indeed with stand challenge and it can even strengthen the alliance. 8.) Today was immediacy. I felt this exercise went very well for me. This skill really fits my personal style and philosophy of work. I think Ive written this before, but I am SO grateful to have the space and safety to practice these skills before launching into them in practicum! I used immediacy often in my session and it was very useful. It was really clear that it helped the cl get back to the moment and feel what he was feeling right then. It also has the added benefit of pulling the cl out of the story and into the experience. I have been using immediacy some already in practicum, but will attempt to use it more as this exercise made it clear how clarifying and action spurring it can be. That being said, I was wondering today how to bridge the two experiences of practice and practicum. I am so comfortable in practice and I am safe and get immediate feedback from my peers, where as in practicum, I am still wobbly and a bit less willing to take big risks (although I am taking a few.) I guess its all about learning by doing. Swim time. 9.) We worked on immediacy again today. My therapist made a very effective intervention that was real and powerful. This interaction really solidified for me the usefulness of immediacy as a skill. We also talked about crying in the room with a client. I have been thinking about this a bit as I have a cl. who is going through a big loss right now and it is very sad. I havent cried in the room with him, but have thought about letting him see how sad his loss is and how it touches me. I think we are to the point where I could do this without burdening him and our relationship would be strengthened by this form of self disclosure. Its interesting to me that I seem to have less reserve around using the skill of immediacy than my practice group mates. I think my personal philosophy of therapy effects my ideas about how one meets ones clients. I guess I know from my own experience that the real relationship (which you mentioned briefly with our group) is part of the work and experience. I cannot be a helper by being someone I am not. This pretending takes too much psychic energy. The only viable way to be in the room is to be oneself. Summary Statement: In looking over this log it is clear that I am working towards being less critical of myself. I am very thankful to have this record of these first weeks and my impressions. It is important for me to be aware of where I need to grow, but it is also important for me to be gentle with myself as I learn these new skills. I see that I am still struggling with judgment towards myself and others. I am curious how I will learn to be honest and still caring and supporting with my peers. This journey is a long one, and exciting too. I am loving the challenge of becoming a therapist and the feeling of being a positive influence in the world.