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How to Nurture Individuality in Twins

Ways to Help Multiples Develop their Own Identities twins spend a lot of time doing things in pairs, and its not uncommon for people to treat them like the same person rather than as individuals. This is especially true with identical twins and same-gender fraternal twins. So its important for parents to find ways to help their multiples develop their own identities without severing the special bond they share.

Help Twins Develop as Individuals by Avoiding Comparisons

Twins looks, personalities, and abilities are constantly compared by others. And sometimes parents even use comparisons to motivate a child to make better grades in school. Although comparisons may seem harmless, over time, they can affect your twins ability to feel secure about who they are as individuals.

Nurture Individuality in Twins by Allowing them to Explore their Interests

Twins need plenty of time to engage in both structured and unstructured activities to give them the chance to explore their interests and discover what they enjoy as individuals. Twins should never be forced to participate in the same extracurricular activities. Instead, use their interests as a guide and allow them the final say over which activities they want to be a part of.

Help Multiples Develop their Own Identities by Respecting them as Individuals

Respecting twins as individuals is the most important part of nurturing their individuality. Start by giving each child his fair share of one-on-one time. Set aside a few days every month to spend quality time with each twin. Your one-on-one time can be a trip to the park, a lunch date, or a movie. Encourage family members to avoid addressing your multiples as, the twins, the girls, or any other names that identify them as a unit rather than as individuals. Instead, they should be called by their names. And forcing twins to dress alike and wear the same hairstyle is a sure way to sabotage their sense of self and make it harder for others to treat them as individuals. Theres nothing quite as special as the bond twins share, but this doesnt mean friendships with other children should be excluded. Just as siblings of different ages have their own friends, twins should be allowed to develop friendships outside of each other as well. And when birthdays roll around, make each child feel special by sending out two sets of invitations, giving separate gifts and having two cakes with candles for each child to blow out. Nurturing individuality in twins is important. Parents can help the process along by

respecting kids as individuals, avoiding mindless comparisons and allowing plenty of room for each child to explore her interests.

The Three Types of Twins

Together or Separated? How to Help Multiples Reach Their Potential

Researchers have identified three main categories for multiples, based on their relationships with one another, that should be considered by parents & educators. Pat Preedy, Ph.D., is a Canadian educational research consultant for the Twin and Multiple Birth Society and is Chairman of the Council of Multiple Births. David Hay is an Australian professor and researcher on twins and multiples. Together, they created a Web site for parents and educators of multiples Two, Four, Six, Eight: Educating Twins, Triplets and More. In their work together, the researchers identified three primary categories of multiples Extreme Individuals, Mature Dependents, and Closely Coupled Multiples. They assert that parents and educators should consider where the children fall within these three categories as they decide how the children will be raised and how they will be handled in the school setting. The decision of whether or not to separate the children in classroom placement should also be made with these categories in mind.

The Extreme Individual

These children are extremely competitive and prefers to distance themselves from their co-multiples. They often display extreme behavior, one minute being calm and compliant, and the next moment, off-the-wall and disrespectful. They don't like their siblings much, and play by themselves. They have their own group of friends and are reluctant to share their friends with their co-multiples, and they refuse to dress alike. The Extreme Individual twin does his best to dominate the interaction with his co-multiple, and if he doesn't, he will simply withdraw.

The Mature Dependent

The co-multiples who fall into the Mature Dependent category, according to Preedy and Hay, are happy in situations where they are together or apart. They support each other and have been successful in creating their own identity, independent of their sibling. They have shared friends as well as friends that are their own; similarly, they have interests that they share with their co-multiple, and interests that are unique to them.

The Closely-Coupled Multiple

These children do not like to be separated; in fact, when they're separated, they're unhappy, according to Preedy and Hay. They have very few of their own friends, preferring

instead to share the same social groups, and they like to dress and behave identically. These children are often unable to recognize their own image in a mirror, and see themselves as a combined unit rather than as an individual. They like to be called by a group name, i.e., "The Twins," and they seem to use a language of their own that others do not understand (a phenomenon called cryptophasia). In school, they will pace each other; if one multiple is moving slowly, the other will slow down to match her co-multiple's pace.

Using This Knowledge to Help Multiples

Preedy and Hay stress that knowing the type of attachment multiples have should influence how parents and educators support them in reaching their full potential as individuals. Preedy cautioned early childhood educators in particular, saying that it is "unconscious incompetence" when they fail to recognize and address the challenges faced by multiples in school.

How Parents Can Support Their Twins & Multiples

Preedy and Hay stress that one of the goals of raising and educating twins and multiples is for them to become independent thinkers. In a conference in 2003, Preedy provided four ways to assist multiples in learning to develop their individuality and think for themselves: When speaking with the child, make eye contact so she is aware that she is the focus. Do not let one of the children do most of the talking; ask questions of one of the multiples, and ensure that she is allowed to answer for herself. Get the child's attention by using his name before making a comment to him or asking him to do something. Play a game with the child to engage her in conversation; she will be more relaxed and able to express what she is thinking. Multiples face unique challenges throughout their lives, but parents and educators can provide optimal support for these children by developing an awareness of the specifics of their attachment to one another. By being attuned to this attachment, parenting and educational styles can be used to create an environment that allows the individuality of each child to develop and flourish Should Twins be Separated or Placed Together in the Same School? School counselors recommend separating twins as young as three years old in school, believing that separation will have a positive impact on development. Educational experts believed that to provide the best atmosphere for twin development, twins needed to be separated upon entering the school system. Parents ran with the idea of individualizing twins while many schools developed a strict policy about twin separation.

Twin Sibling Relationships and the Push for Individualization

Experts in twin relationships created a push towards individualizing twins that saw many parents begin to separate twins in the school system, either requesting different classroom placements or in some cases, completely different schools. The school system also embraced this theory by enacting strict separation policies for twins in some schools. Even now, a study by Nilsson et al, showed that of 65 school counselors questioned, most of them believed that separating twins would have a positive impact on personal development. Furthermore, counselors recommended that this separation should occur as young as kindergarten. Do other studies support these theories?

Was Individualization for Twins Pushed too Far?

Parents always wish to do what is best for their children and when experts make claims, parents tend to take the advice and hit the floor running. The idea of individualizing twins does make sense. Just because they look alike doesn't mean they are alike, so parenting plans do need to cater to a child's individual personality. Although parents may individualize twins in the home setting, school however is a completely different environment. For many young children it can be a scary place where sibling support would be welcomed, particularly in very young children newly attending school. The Clearing House on Early Education and Parenting, CEEP, reports that the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (NOMTC) responding in a 2000 summarization on survey research and summaries, suggested that 78% of parents favored separating twins because parents were "heavily influenced by "individualizing theories" read in books or heard in lectures or at meetings of twin organizations."

Twins in School and Classroom Placement Studies

In terms of academics, a recent study in Amsterdam published in the Jan. 2010 edition of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health suggests academic scores were about the same for those twins separated and those not separated. Of the 2,003 pairs of identical and fraternal twins in the study, 72% were in the same class; 19% were separated from a sibling and 9% partly shared a classroom. Of the three groups, there was no significant difference in test scores. On an emotional level, parents should perhaps be the sole decision makers when it comes to separating twins, especially at an early stage such as kindergarten. Starting school can be a traumatic event for many children and having a confidant could ease the transition. Children once settled, become more comfortable and a natural independence will often develop by itself.

Certainly there is nothing to say that this decision cannot be reversed when the twins get older and are able to add their own thoughts to the decision. As teenagers, twins might very well welcome some time apart to develop individual identities even further. Research into separating twins in school is still unfortunately sparse and is of little use to parents of multiples. Until further studies are undertaken, parents should use discretion with regard to the decision on separating twins in school. Parents know better than anyone, a child's nature and what a child can handle emotionally. Sources: Banks, Ron. No Effect on Classroom Placement of Twins, Ceep.crc.uiuc.edu. The Clearing House on Early Education and Parenting, 2010 (accessed May 24, 2010). Nilsson, Johanna et al. Placement of Twins and Multiples in the Classroom: A Brief Survey of School Counselors Knowledge and Attitudes, Jsc.montana.edu, Unknown date (accessed May, 24, 2010). Polderman, T J C et al. No Effect of Classroom Sharing on Educational Achievement in Twins: a Prospective, Longitudinal Cohort Study, Jech.bmj.com, Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, Jan. 2010 (accessed May 24, 2010).

How to Avoid Unhealthy Competition Between Twins

There is a very fine line between healthy and unhealthy competition between twins. Here are some key tip on how to avoid unhealthy twin rivalry. As anyone with siblings will know only too well, a certain amount of sibling rivalry is completely normal, especially when close in age. The issue of sibling rivalry is even more pronounced in twins, who will very likely have been compared by many from day one.

Why Comparing Twins Causes Unhealthy Rivalry

While it is very common for twins to be compared by others, those who are constantly compared and contrasted can end up with low self-esteem. Being constantly told your twin is better at x and y than you, will do little for self-confidence and is particularly relevant to fraternal twins. This is because unlike identical twins who are typically very alike, fraternal twins are not, making it likely that more comparisons will result in large contrasts. From a young age, children develop a concept of self, but this is not so easy when you are a twin and those around you talk about you and your sibling as if you are one person.

Labelling one twin as confident or extroverted and the other as introverted or shy, may also cause much friction and rivalry.

How to Avoid Unhealthy Competition Between Twins

In order to help prevent usual sibling rivalry from escalating into unhealthy, unhelpful competition, there are several things which can be done. From speaking to twins, a real no-no is to keep referring to each twin as being the younger or older twin. In Double Duty, Tinglof (2009) recommends further key tips on avoiding unhealthy competition between twins, to include the following: build on each child's individual strengths praise effort rather than outcome remind each child that he does not need to compete for parental love advise friends/family to not compare each child's abilities remind each twin that life is not always equal explain everyone has different abilities

Reduce Twin Rivalry Respond to Each Twin Individually

An important way to help reduce rivalry between twins is to make a decision to respond to each twin individually. This will help both children to understand that they are valued as an individual in their own right and parents then do not need to keep score all the time. As identified by Tinglof (2009), this should begin from early childhood and means that parents are able to give to each twin out of need or love, as opposed to guilt. As highlighted above, while a certain amount of sibling rivalry is perfectly normal, when twins are constantly compared and contrasted, this may result in low self-esteem and unhealthy competition. Simple ways to reduce twin rivalry, include reminding each child that he does not need to compete for parental love and that everyone has different skills, strengths and weaknesses. Source: Tinglof, C. Double Duty. New York: McGraw Hill, 2009.

Raising Twins
Parenting Tips to Treat Twin Siblings as Individuals
Parents of identical twins should think of them and treat them as unique individuals. Identical twins are interesting to look at. Most times, its hard for someone outside the family to tell them apart. Not surprisingly, many parents like to dress them alike or give them similar-sounding names because they make the twins look adorable.

However, child and parenting experts caution against that. Instead, parents should see and treat twins as two different individuals, and treat them that way so that they can enjoy a better and more independent future. Here are some parenting tips to raise happy twins.

Different Names and Clothes for Twins

Giving the twins names that sound very different and dressing them differently will encourage their individual sense of identity. Dont refer to the children as the twins. Call them by their names. Teach them to be assertive about their names. Speak to them and present them to others as individuals. Parents should also dress them very differently. The uniform look may be cute but certainly doesnt help them to develop as their own individuals. Giving them different colored bedlinen and towels will help as well.

Different Classes or Different Schools for Twins

Generally, its fine to let twins go to the same preschool and elementary school for a few years. However, clingy twins should be gradually separated at school, believes Dr. John Irvine, child psychologist and author A Handbook for Happy Families [Sydney: Finch Publishing, 2002]. If they are too reliant on each other and they cant mix with other kids, give some thought to different classes, or even different schools, so they can grow as individual people with their own friends and their own ego, he writes.

Separate Activities for Twins

Create time for each twin individually as often as possible. Gradual separation can work if activities are split between parents, relatives and friends, says Dr. Miriam Stoppard, parenting expert and author of You and Your Toddler [London: Dorling Kindersley, 1999]. Dad might get one twin to help in the garden while Mum takes the other shopping, she suggests. Other useful strategies include holding separate birthday parties (with different themes, cakes and presents), separate outings or holidays and separate rooms with different furnishing styles.

No Comparison between Twins

While its alright to compare the twins development with other kids their age, its definitely not a good idea to keep comparing the twins between themselves. This may result in the more assertive twin becoming arrogant, while the quiet twin becomes even less confident. Parents should also talk as freely to the quiet twin as to the more inquisitive one so that no twin is left out. The strong bond between twins is well documented. But it may also hamper their development as separate individuals. Thats why parents should treat twins as individuals

from a very young age. Giving twins different sounding names, sending twins to different classes or schools, encouraging separate activities for twins and avoiding making comparison between the twins are useful strategies to encourage their individual sense of identity.

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