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Toddlers & Tiaras

"The Golden Statue"

By Eddie Brawley

eddie.brawley@gmail.com

ACT ONE TITLE CARD: "HEIGHLEIGH/SAMMIE" TITLE CARD: "THREE WEEKS UNTIL THE SLOCUM COUNTY SMALL CHILD COMPETITION" EXT./ESTAB. DRESS BARN - DAY It's in a strip mall between "Nail Polish '!' Us" and "The Ammonia Warehouse Nail Polish Remover Superstore! (Largest Nail Polish Remover Retailer in the Continental U.S.!) (sic)" INT. DRESS BARN - DRESSING ROOM - AFTERNOON HEIGHLEIGH, a toddler, is sitting there, just toddling around. Haha. No, seriously though, she's drinking grape juice out of a bejeweled SIPPY CUP with a picture of Paris Hilton on it. In that picture, Paris Hilton is drinking juice out of the same sippy cup, but instead of a picture of Paris Hilton, this cup has a tiny mirror on it. Heighleigh looks at herself in the mirror on the cup that Paris Hilton's drinking out of. She STARTS CRYING at the MORAL BANKRUPTCY OF THE ENTIRE SITUATION. Reveal TRISHANNE, her mom, who is a BAD PERSON. She's standing nearby, trying to decide which of two miniature wedding dresses she should make her child wear. I mean they're like...wedding dresses, that's the only way to describe them. TRISHANNE Heighleigh, don't spill grape juice on your sippy cup, it cost me an arm and a leg. HEIGHLEIGH Well then why did you buy it? TRISHANNE Because you came out of my big vagina and I need you to win this competition and make a lot of money, so I can get a vagina reduction surgery so it won't graze the surface of the water when I take a shit. CHYRON: "Heighleigh and TrishAnne"

HEIGHLEIGH What's "take a shit?" TRISHANNE Heighleigh! Only fat girls talk about taking shits and you're not a fat girl, are you? HEIGHLEIGH I'm a toddler. Didn't you see me toddling around (haha)? TRISHANNE I saw you spinning around like a little twat, if that's what you mean. HEIGHLEIGH What's a twat? TRISHANNE Heighleigh! Only fat boys ask what twats are, and you're not a fat boy, are you? HEIGHLEIGH No, I'm a pretty girl! TRISHANNE And what do pretty girls say? HEIGHLEIGH "Buhhhfh buhhh buhh buhhh" TRISHANNE That's right, it doesn't matter what you say if you're pretty enough! Now which one of these dresses do you like best? Heighleigh points to the one on the right. TRISHANNE Okay, we'll throw that one directly in the garbage can next to all the empty jars of diet baby food and try this one on. She hands her another one - the dumber of the two, if I had to choose. TRISHANNE Oh, and you'll also need this to tape up that fat gut.

She tosses her a ROLL OF DUCT TAPE like Kid Rock probably tosses his keys to the valet outside THE JERK STORE (his favorite Jamaican restaurant (!!!!(Zagat))). EXT./ESTAB. LYDIA & ELIOT'S SHITTY HOUSE - DAY This house completely SUCKS ASS, but there's a HUMMER in the driveway. INT. SHITTY LIVING ROOM - SAME It looks like some weird futuristic hellhole in here. Everything is a mess - there's a COUCH COVERED IN DIRTY CLOTHES, there's a bunch of PIZZA BOXES and PIZZA MAGAZINES on a coffee table, there's a big pile of EMPTY SUN CHIPS BAGS THAT ARE ON FIRE, which are HEATING THE HOUSE. In the midst of this, however, are LYDIA and ELIOT, a maniacally chipper couple. They are VERY HAPPY, but also BAD PEOPLE. We see them ESKIMO KISS and look down at something on the table between them. CHYRON: "Lydia & Eliot" LYDIA has put a TINY PAIR OF HIGH HEELS on a LITTLE SILVER TRAY. She takes the tray with the high heels over to a LARGE GLASS CASE, which seems like the most out of place thing in the room, but also the main focus of the room. Reveal SAMMIE, their daughter, who is in the glass case. Like if Jon Benet Ramsey got bit by that monkey in Outbreak and had to be quarantined. CHYRON: "...and Sammie" In CLOSE SHOTS we see Lydia slide the tray into a slot in the door (like in prison). She stands back and watches her daughter put them on. Once she's put them on - but not a moment before: LYDIA Ready for treadmill time? Sammie knocks on the glass twice. Lydia slides a big metal thing to open the door. INT. SHITTY LIVING ROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER SAMMIE is slowly walking in high heels on a TREADMILL. LYDIA is lounging on the laundry-covered couch and yelling stuff

at someone just off-camera. LYDIA Corgi! Corgi! Where? LYDIA It's up at the top! Reveal ELIOT, doing a WALL-SIZED CROSSWORD PUZZLE right next to the treadmill. ELIOT What boxes, my sweet? LYDIA Up there, by the thing at the top part of the wall! ELIOT The ceiling? LYDIA Yeah, whatever you call it. ELIOT What number? LYDIA That one...hold on... She doesn't want to get up, so she starts picking TOOTSIE ROLLS out of a tray and throwing them at the box she's looking at. Every time she leans to get one she makes a "Eeerrrrmmmm" noise because she's dumb. "Errrrmmmmm!" Throws one. This one? "Eeerrrrmmm!" Throws another one. This one? "Eeerrrrmmm!!!" Throws another one. This one? ELIOT ELIOT ELIOT ELIOT (O.S)

Some of the Tootsie Rolls land on the treadmill. Sammie knows better, but can't help herself. She reaches for one... But it ZAPS HER! These Tootsie Rolls have been ELECTRIFIED! Sammie! ELIOT You know better than that! These are Adult Tootsies, electrified to the touch of any child. Now get back on that t-mill - you gotta get ready for the Slocum County Small Child Showcase! He picks one up and eats it in front of her - like really eating it, it's like dripping out of his mouth and shit. ELIOT MMmm. I'll be goddamned if these aren't better than the three biggest dicks in town. Whoopsie! LYDIA What was that? Before he can answer, a PRODUCER'S HAND comes into the frame holding a CARD. LYDIA (re: card) The fuck is this? She grabs the card. LYDIA (to Producer) What's this say? You know I can only read Portuguese. Eliot takes it. ELIOT (reading) "We've just received word that legendary country singer Willy Joe Samsung has died. All white trash is to report to the local weird whites-only church to commence grieving ceremonies." LYDIA

LYDIA Oh no! Not Willy Joe! ELIOT Willy Joe Samsung? Singer of such country classics as "How Much is That Puppy in the Dog Fight"? LYDIA And "Harmonica In My Right Hand, NoDoz In My Left"? ELIOT And "You Can Smell My Piss Through a Wall"? LYDIA And "You Can Never Get Raped if You're Always DTF"? ELIOT That Willy Joe Samsung? ANGLE ON Sammie: SAMMIE Willy Joe Samsung, singer of such songs as "Pawned My Grampy's Bible," "Recycling Killed Reagan," "I'm Not as Think as You Drunk I am (Ode to My T-Shirt)," and "A Hard Day's Night"? ELIOT Aw, her first words. LYDIA (to producer) Is it that Willy Joe Samsung, though? Is it really? Just want to be totally clear on this. REVERSE SHOT to reveal PRODUCER and CREW. PRODUCER Uh yeah. There's only one country singer named Willy Joe Samsung. He's the most famous country singer in the world. Everyone knows that. BACK TO WIDE LYDIA Well that ain't no good news!

SAMMIE Why not it good news? ELIOT Oh Jesus, this kid never shuts up. LYDIA (ignoring him) Well because Willy Joe Samsung...he's your daddy. My daddy? LYDIA Yep. Sorry, Eliot. [I would put something here about how they deal with this and everything, but a dude with like the sickest dreads I've ever seen just walked into this Starbucks I'm writing at and I zoned out for a minute. So just imagine this all works out. Cool? Sweet. I owe you one!] EXT./ESTAB. MEGACHURCH - DAY This building is huge. One of those big dome-like megachurches that seat like 40,000 people and have a McDonalds in the lobby. INT. MEGACHURCH - SAME All of the TODDLERS and MOMMIES from this season are milling around the front of this church: There's HEIGHLEIGH from the first scene, and her mommy, TRISHANNE. There's LYDIA and SAMMIE from the second scene. Sammie is wearing sunglasses because she has one black eye and one eye that was obviously just plastic-surgeried. There's also RUBY and her large daughter MAURICE, both wearing shirts that say "I'm stupid with --->" and pointing to the other one. There's NIKOLE and VERONIKA, two twin sisters who both have sets of triplet girls: JAN, JAYNE and JUDY for Nikole and EMYLEE, TEIGHLOR, and MOBY for Veronika. Each of those triplets are individually playing with 4 BARBIES, meaning there are how many barbies total? A. 24 B. 36 SAMMIE

C. Entirely too many! D. Not enough, in my humble opinion. I love Barbies! E. Who cares? F. I care! G. Well fine, it's 24. 4x6 = 24. Jesus. Maybe quit caring about Barbies so much and learn some math, shitstain. Anyways, rounding out the contestants are: SAFRON and her daughter AL DAVIS JR, who is wearing what looks like a PURPLE WEDDING DRESS and is on a LEASH. Oh, also KATE and her daughter CATE. REVEREND ANYWAYS walks out of a door and takes the pulpit. REVEREND ANYWAYS Ahem.. Ahem. Ahem? Ahem. Ach-em! Oh, hi. We are gathered here to mourn the passing of Willy Joe Samsung, and also to deliver his last will and testament. Actually let's just go straight to that last part because nobody really cares about the first part. KATE Wait, I care about that first part! REVEREND ANYWAYS Well you use a Dell laptop so nobody gives a fuck what you think. Kate looks down in shame - and rightfully so! She has made the wrong choice in computer brands! Just kidding, everyone should just use whatever brand of computer they like. I mean you might have been given a Dell laptop by your roommate who didn't need it anymore or something. Or maybe you have one for work. Or maybe they're genuinely better. Who knows? I mean I only got a Mac computer because someone said they never get pop-ups. And you know what? I get tons of pop-ups now! It's like "what the fuck?" REVEREND ANYWAYS ANYWAYS...You've all been called here because Willy Joe Samsung is the father of all these toddlers, and...about three of the tiaras. Big gasp from the crowd.

REVEREND ANYWAYS No, I'm sorry, that was a joke. I mean about the tiaras. He is the father of all these toddlers. There will be three jokes sprinkled into this speech - try to figure out what they are! Sorry, that's how he wanted me to do this. Three jokes. Anyways, Willy Joe is the father of all these contestants and the creator of this reality show. In fact, Willy is the father of all reality show contestants. He traveled the country from 1964-2009 playing country music and having sex with dumb people to create a race of idiots that populate modern reality shows. So, to make a long story short, his estate controls all advertising profits from the show. Money! REVEREND ANYWAYS Yes, money. ANYWAYS, before we get to that, I must pass on the terrible news that Willy Joe died as he lived: in a massive pussy avalanche... I'm sorry, that was the second joke he wanted me to say. He actually died in a real avalanche, while on a ski lift getting some pussy. Now back to the will. First of all, all you toddlers can go now because you're not involved in anything from here on and it feels weird to be saying a lot of this stuff in front of you. All of the toddlers are taken by responsible, trained childcare professionals and given to new families that they are very happy with and go on to live wholesome lives far away from reality TV. Or maybe some of them went on to be crackheads, who knows! REVEREND ANYWAYS ANYWAYS, the will. You will all be put in a house in Los Angeles, where you will compete against each other to get married to this golden statue of Willy Joe Samsung, which you can then sell and keep the money! CROWD

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Someone pulls a sheet off a GOLDEN STATUE OF WILLY JOE SAMSUNG LEANING AGAINST A "FAMILY GUY" PINBALL MACHINE. REVEREND ANYWAYS You can, of course, choose to opt out of this whole thing... But by doing so, you will give up the chance of marrying the golden statue, and therefore the chance to sell the golden statue and keep the money. Which, after paying the crew, production staff, post-production costs, the graphics department, and taxes, comes to...$14,000. $14,000! REVEREND ANYWAYS So you're all on board? CROWD Yes, we are all on board! We would like the chance to win this $14,000 so we can get our big vaginas fixed so they don't graze the surface of the water when we take shits! REVEREND ANYWAYS Okay, well. You're all going to HOLLYWOOD! CROWD Yaaaayyyy!!! REVEREND ANYWAYS Just kidding. That was the third joke. The house is in Connecticut. END OF ACT ONE CROWD

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2. COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. BEDROOM - MORNING - COMMERCIAL Note: This is a commercial done in the style of a big pharmaceutical company commercial. There's a DUDE sleeping in this bedroom and we see his clock reads "11:26 AM." ANNOUNCER (V.O.) How many times has this happened to you? He rolls over and happens to see the alarm, then jumps out of bed. He's super late! Oh no! INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER The DUDE walks in sheepishly. The BOSS person gives him a dirty look. Man, that shit is embarrassing. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Sleeping in past your chosen wake-up time, or "oversnoozing," can have serious consequences. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING - EARLIER The DUDE is sleeping through his alarm that morning. We hear it go off in the background as bullet points show up on screen as the announcer reads them off: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Studies have shown that standard alarm clocks simply do not provide the motivation to choose waking life over the warm sea of sleep, especially when: -"You have to wake up stupidly early" -"There's a meeting you can probably miss and not get fired" -"You have nothing to do anyways" -"You got mad fucked up last night" DUDE

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-"It's really cold in your room" The dude, still sleeping, turns off his alarm and rolls over. INT. LABORATORY - DAY Sterile lab where some SCIENTISTS are working on alarm clocks. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) But here at ClockLabs, we've developed a solution: The TT-69 (haha) RecordoClock, a fully automated recordable alarm clock to give you that special customized wake-up call that will get you out of bed and started on your day. FEMALE SCIENTIST (recording message into clock) Wake up, you've got work to do! SPIN WIPE to that same scene. The clock strikes 8:00 AM and the alarm goes off. ALARM "Wake up, you've got work to do!" MONTAGE: SERIES OF BEDROOMS 1) Someone is sleeping and we can see their alarm clock in the foreground. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) That's right, simply record whatever greeting will get you out of bed the quickest, and it'll be right there in the morning. The alarm goes off: ALARM "Wake up! You told yourself you'd start working out in the morning! You'll feel so much better when you're done!" The person gets out of bed. 2) Another person is sleeping. Their alarm goes off: ALARM "Hey, come on! You just got that

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great new coffee!" They get out of bed. 3) Another person is sleeping, another alarm goes off: ALARM "You are seriously going to get fired if you're late one more time. You will get fired and you will be homeless. And homeless people can't afford Qdoba! You know how much you love Qdoba, man! Get up!" He gets out of bed. 4) Another person is sleeping, another alarm goes off: ALARM "Sully Sullenburger would get up right now. You know he would. You know he would." They get up. 5) Another sleeping person, another alarm: ALARM "Hey man, you gotta wake up. Seriously, you gotta wake up." PERSON Nah, wanna sleep. ALARM "You say you want to sleep, but what you really want to do is wake up. You're going to be so mad at yourself if you sleep in." PERSON No, I'm not gonna be mad. Water under the bridge, man. ALARM "No, it's not water under the bridge! This is serious, you have to get up and go to that interview." PERSON What if I don't? I mean what's the worst that could happen? ALARM

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"The worst that could happen is you run out of money and have to move back in with your parents." PERSON Naahhh nah that won't happen, I got like $800 saved up. ALARM "Yeah, but that's for your rent. Once that's gone, you'll have nothing and you have no prospects whatsoever." PERSON I'll get some prospects when I get up, man. Today's the day! ALARM "Yes, today is the day - the day when you get a job. You have an interview for a job in 45 minutes, just get up and get dressed." PERSON I'm not even an administrative assistant anyways. I'm a painter, man. ALARM "I knew you'd say that. Think about that for a second. Think about what you just said." PERSON I'm thinking about it. Yep, sounds good. Seeya later. ALARM "You're acting like a crazy person right now and you know you don't want to." PERSON Fuck that, you're acting crazy if you think I'm getting up. ALARM "*sighs* [falsely confrontational] Get up and say that to my face." PERSON What?

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ALARM "I said get up and say that shit to my face, you mark-ass bitch!!" PERSON Who you calling a mark-ass bitch? ALARM "Well it's just me and you, and I'm not calling myself a mark-ass bitch. So, I guess it must be you, you fucking mark-ass bitch!" PERSON What!? What the fuck's your problem, man? See how wise you are when I got my fucking baseball bat. He gets out of bed really angrily to go get a baseball bat.

ORDER SCREEN There's a white screen with the CLOCK sitting there in the void, along with a bunch of ORDER INFORMATION. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The TT-69 RecordoClock, by ClockLabs! Talk to your doctor if this is right for you. Make sure to mention any other clocks you might be looking at. Side affects may include coughing, wheezing, upset stomach, fingernail cancer, allergy to energy drinks, spontaneous sweet potato fries, toe jelly, knee farts, underwear bombs, racketeering, small titties, inability to feel pain, increased rapping ability, rotten eyeballs, and His-pes. The TT-69 RecordoClock. Ask your doctor today. END OF COMMERCIAL

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3. ACT TWO EXT./ESTAB. TODDLERS AND TIARAS HOUSE They're in a big house, like one that they would use for a reality show in the Hollywood Hills, but this is in Connecticut. Because that last scene said it was in Connecticut. On the front lawn, SAFRON is trying to drive a JETSKI and screaming over the noise of the motor: SAFRON I been on this lawnmower for 2 six-packs, why won't it mow no damn lawns? INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME LYDIA and RUBY are sitting on the couch enjoying a fine glass of white wine. LYDIA So what's your favorite thing to do? RUBY Hmm well that's a pretty open-ended question, but...probably get in pointless fights with people. LYDIA That's my favers too! RUBY No kidding! Well, wanna get in a fight? Sure! RUBY Okay, well we just gotta get a good stupid reason to fight...why don't you call me a name? LYDIA Oh perfect, okay: You... bad dummy! RUBY No, I mean like a real bad name. LYDIA

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LYDIA You... Dumb dummy? RUBY No, come on, it has to be really bad. I know you can do it, you look like such a dumb bitch! LYDIA Hey lemme think! ... TRUST ME, I wanna fight just as bad as you do. Your stupid face just looks so fun to punch, you ugly heffer. RUBY Oh man, yours too, you stupid slut! Just think of a name to call me, so I can start pulling the hair right out of your grimy-looking scalp! LYDIA Okay, you fat cum-dumpster! a... wise old grandfather. You're

RUBY No, come on, that's a good name, you cunt! LYDIA Hahaha I know, I realized as soon as it came out of my mouth - but I was already saying it! They share a HAPPY LAUGH and HUG EACH OTHER. The HOST, a Padma Lakshmi type, comes in and gets everyone's attention. HOST Alright. Let's kick the tires and light the fires on this motherfucker. How are you all liking the house so far? SAFRON What are those long, flat couches in the bedroom? HOST Those are beds. SAFRON Ohhhhhhh. (whispering to the people

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around her) They're beds, they're beds. Those things are called "beds." I know! I've never seen a bed either! Well I've seen 'em, just never knew what they were called, etc. NIKOLE Is that why they call it a "bedroom"? HOST No, actually, they're called "bedrooms" because they were invented by Benjamin Franklin and he named them after his favorite hunting dog, "Bedfellow," who he never had sex with, he just thought it was a funny word. Everything else okay? Good! This afternoon we have our first challenge: You will all go up onto the roof and see who can fall off first. But don't worry! You'll land in this beanbag chair from the Glad Family Of Products. A TEAMSTER wheels in a BEANBAG CHAIR with a big Glad logo on it. HOST Any questions? KATE Yes, can you tell me what sets this beanbag chair from the Glad Family Of Products apart from beanbag chairs from other product families? HOST Yes, good question, Kate. To properly answer that question, let us start at the beginning, where all good stories must start. The Glad Family of Products migrated to these United States from Poland in 1934, just as the Third Reich was gaining power in Europe. Heirich Gladskjasdjhsdshdkjsski and his wife Gretta, two plastic sandwich bags, arrived on Ellis Island in the spring of that year. They moved to Chicago, where Heirich had an uncle, an egg-timer, who worked in a cake factory. But Heinrich wasn't the

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working type - he wanted to be in the movies, so he shortened his name to "Glad" because he knew Gladskjasdjhsdshdkjsski would never fit on a marquee. Gretta actually lengthened her name because she hated show business and wanted to make sure she never had to act in any movies. Heinrich was never very successful as an actor. Some say because he didn't have a good enough voice to make the transition to the sound era. Some say it was because of his red-hot, completely unreasonable temper, and utter lack of talent. Anyways, the couple fell on hard times. So hard, in fact, that they had to start having children and selling them to local grocery stores. People would buy the Glads' children and use them to put their sandwiches in. And that's why this beanbag chair is here. To the roof! EXT. ROOF - MINUTES LATER TRISHANNE, NIKOLE, VERONIKA, RUBY, SAFRON, LYDIA, and KATE all the contestants, are up on the roof. They're all wearing harnesses and goggles like something you'd see on a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Ha remember those? They still makin' those or what? [chuckles, shakes head] The HOST is hanging out the side of a helicopter that's hovering nearby. She shouts instructions through a megaphone. Real loud! Excitement! You can barely hear anything and the adrenaline is INSaaAAAaaaAAAAaaNE! HOST Okay, these are the rules: first one to fall off the roof wins. No jumping, no pushing, no funny business. Gotta be an honest fall! Ready? We see a really flashy graphic on screen that counts down: "Three!" They're all standing on the roof, looking nervous. "Two!" Still standing, bracing for the X-Treme challenge to come.

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"One!" Still waiting... "Fall!" IT'S ON!!!!!!! Big letdown, though. It's just all the contestants standing there, making little movements like they're trying to fall off the roof. Like looking into a mirror and trying to see yourself blink. They can't do it no matter how hard they try. EXT. ROOF - NIGHT CHYRON: 11 Hours Later They're all doing exactly the same thing they were doing 11 hours ago. Suddenly: RUBY Hey look, the Big Dipper! Where? KATE looks up and FALLS OFF THE ROOF. TALKING HEAD TESTIMONIAL: RUBY RUBY "I really like the Talking Heads, especially their 1980 album "Remain in Light." Bug-eyed vocalist/guitarist David Byrne, ex-Modern Lover/keyboardist /guitarist Jerry Harrison, and the husband-and-wife rhythm section of Tina Weymouth and Chris Frantz had already begun to introduce African elements into their particular brand of art school rock n' roll with 1979's Fear Of Music. But with Light, the band (along with co-producer/director-of-the-flow Brian Eno) cast their subversions of the pop form into a whole new element, forming songs out of loops (still a relatively unique approach for the time), and letting rhythm, repetition, and continuous vocal counterplay between Byrne's distinctive yelps and the soulful contributions from backing vocalists such as Nona Hendryx steer the KATE

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course. The results were simply magical. Take, for example, the album's most enduring track, "Once In A Lifetime." Framed by the simplest of grooves (Weymouth's two-note bass line and Frantz's fairly funky drum loop), as well as layer upon layer of Harrison's burbling keyboard, skitch-skitch rhythm guitar, and odd, random noises, the track provides ample room for Byrne's lyric (which, with its "You may find yourself..." refrain, resembles more an evangelist's rant than a pop lyric) to hover, bounce, and jab itself into memory. Put this song on the system at any hipster dance joint, perhaps somewhere after Hot Hot Heat or The Killers (if your audience will tolerate such "commercial fluff"), and watch the room explode." Slant Magazine, November 6, 2004. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT HOST addresses the CONTESTANTS, who are all lined up on risers that some teamsters hauled in that morning. HOST Hello contestants. How are you all feeling after the first challenge? They nod and murmur that they're doing fine after this morning's challenge. HOST Oh man. You guys, that's some excellent murmuring. When it comes to murmuring, you're all champions. But in this competition, Kate was the first to fall off the roof, so she's in the lead. ANGLE ON: Kate, in a Glad-Family-Of-Products-Brand WHEELCHAIR. HOST But there's a catch. Gasps! HOST

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Oh guys, awesome gasping as well...But the catch is this: Willy Joe Samsung didn't like chicks in wheelchairs. It was one of his Top Eight Personal Manxims in his bestselling book "Close This Book Right Now And Throw It At The Nearest Catholic" from Penguin Bathroom Classics. CLOSE UP on the book, which has a PICTURE OF TWO WILLY JOE SAMSUNGS ARM-WRESTLING EACH OTHER on the cover. HOST ...So that means we have to select a new winner for today's challenge, and -- because I'm tired of writing this and there's this one guy who works in this Starbucks who looks like he's about to tell me to buy something - it's like come on, dude, what the fuck do you care, Starbucks doesn't even give you enough hours to be full-time and there's a guy doing heroin in the bathroom AS WE SPEAK (I saw him go in there and he was really skinny and heroin-y looking) -- also the winner the winner of this entire Toddlers & Tiaras Season Finale! The contestants begin murmuring once again, but this time...it's in excitement! HOST Murmuring exctedly!? You should be! Because the winner of the $14,000 necessary to get your big vagina fixed so it doesn't graze the surface of the water when you take a shit is...going to be announced after this break!!!! END OF ACT TWO

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4. COMMERCIAL BREAK SERIES OF SHOTS: 1. Helicopter shot of a car driving along a windy mountain road as a soothing song plays. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Are you tired of your commercials looking like this? 2. A GUY in a bar orders a certain beer and a HOT GIRL smiles at him. Or this? 3. A MOM picks a box of cereal off a shelf, which makes her KID hug her. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Or even this? INT. LABORATORY SET - DAY We see the "SCIENTISTS" from the alarm clock commercial, actors in lab coats, standing around drinking coffee, getting ready for a take. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Well try the new commercial for ClockCorp, a subsidiary of ProductCorp, Inc! This new commercial for ClockCorp has it all: INT. MEETING ROOM - FOOTAGE FROM PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL The GUY from the first commercial sheepishly walking into his meeting late. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) A description of a vaguely recognizable problem... INT. LABORATORY - FOOTAGE FROM PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL The SCIENTIST tinkers with the alarm clock. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) A proposition for how to fix the problem using one of our products, including images of professionals ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

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designed to make you trust the company... INT. BEDROOM - FOOTAGE FROM PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL The FIVE HAPPY CUSTOMERS getting out of bed on a screen divided into five parts, Brady Bunch-style. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And footage of real people who have have used the product and seem satisfied with it! INT. LABORATORY SET - DAY Behind the scenes footage of this commercial being shot. We see the DIRECTOR working out some blocking. ANNOUNCER But that's not all: the new commercial for ClockCorp was directed by Todd Wrigley, an up-andcoming commercial director who has been hailed in Commercial Arts Magazine as "the next Tyson Bradbarley," "a breath of fresh air in this often too-stale industry," and "honestly cool to work with." Just listen to this testimonial with actor Lindsay French! TALKING HEAD TESTIMONIAL WITH LINDSAY FRENCH She's the actor who played the scientist in the commercial. Still wearing the lab coat. LINDSAY I've enjoyed myself so much on this shoot, it's been really amazing. I mean for a commercial script, this stuff is pretty interesting. It's not supposed to be funny or anything, but I think people will still like it. Or, like, they'll have to watch it because it's on during a show they're watching. And I heard Morgan Freeman is doing the voice over! INT. SOUND BOOTH - DAY MORGAN FREEMAN is the announcer we've been hearing. He turns away from the voice-over microphone and speaks directly into the camera. He's holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee.

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MORGAN FREEMAN That's right, I'm Morgan Freeman. I do movies and TV shows, but I also do voice-over for commercials. Why would I do this, you ask? Well because they gave me a lot of money. No, I don't need it at all, but since my voice is recognizeable it helps sell products. So they, like, give me a SHITLOAD of money. I mostly use it to wipe up household spills, but some of it I crinkle up and put at the end of my shoes when I play tennis. My shoes are too big and it helps with agility. What I'm saying is, this is a great commercial. But don't take my word for it - ask these guys! INT. BOARDROOM - DAY This is a really fancy office with a huge wooden table in a Manhattan skyscraper. A bunch of PRODUCTCORP EXECUTIVES are sitting down at a meeting. MAIN EXECUTIVE We here at ProductCorp conceived this commercial with the help of the ad firm Rockwood & Berry. They're the third biggest ad agency in New York City, but that doesn't mean they're the third best - they're the second best! The executive next to him turns out to be ROCKWOOD. ROCKWOOD That's right! We came up with a script, hired some actors to pretend they like this product, and got Morgan Freeman to talk about it. But why shoud you watch it, and not some other commercial? Well it's a moot point, because you already watched it! Haha suckers! Fade to black as the executives LAUGH and SMOKE CIGARS and ORDER LIMOS FOR THEIR DOGS on their EXPENSE ACCOUNTS. END OF COMMERCIAL

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5. ACT THREE INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS All the CONTESTANTS are still lined up and the HOST is still standing there facing them and everything. After a pause. HOST Oh my god, I just had the biggest brain fart - can someone remind me why you're all lined up looking at me and I'm holding this card that says "Trishanne, you win the $14,000"? TRISHANNE Yeeaaahhh!!!! Yeah bitches, I always know Willy Joe loved me the best! That's why he put so many babies up my pee-shitter! She SLIPS ON A BANANA PEEL that a teamster left there and BREAKS HER ANKLE. TrishAnne is screaming and crying in pain on the ground. The camera ZOOMS INTO the blackness of her open mouth, then BACK OUT FROM the blackness of the Glad Family of Products Logo on the wheelchair that she is now sitting in. We're back at: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER Everything's the same except now TrishAnne is in her wheelchair next to Ruby. HOST Alright. Due to the no-chicksin-wheelchairs rule, we have to choose yet another winner for this season of Toddlers & Tiaras. Who will win the $14,000? Who will go home empty-handed? Okay this guy just told me to go buy something. Fine, dude, I wanted to anyways. Jeez. Shit, I only have 1.58 on my debit card and small coffees are like $1.90. ... Well I guess I'll just overdraft it and put some cash

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in tomorrow morning. Gotta set my alarm for earlier I guess. Hope I wake up... Oh man, that's a great idea for a commercial, maybe I'll put it in here somewhere.... Okay, the winner of this season of Toddlers & Tiaras will - oh man this coffee's strong as shit, maybe I should put some milk in it, hold on... - the winner of this thing is Nikole! Because she stood the closest to the edge of the roof and even at one point hocked a loogie off the side! Hocking loogies: bet you never thought that'd win you $14,000, did you, Nikole? NIKOLE is up and GOING OVER TO ACCEPT THE CHECK. NIKOLE Hahaha no, I sure didn't! I just like the consistency of them!! HOST Spitting loogies is pretty fun, isn't it? I mean it is gross, but not if you do it in the grass or something. NIKOLE Exactly! Exactly. Finally, someone gets me, loogie-etiquittewise...Anyways, I can't accept this check. Gasps from everyone. NIKOLE ...because I am actually...in a wheelchair. She lifts her huge fluffy dress to reveal that she's actually sitting in a wheelchair. More gasps. HOST Oh my god! First of all, great gasping, everyone. Second of all: nothing like this has ever happened before on Toddlers & Tiaras! NIKOLE I would feel absolutely terrible

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accepting this $14,000 under false pretenses. I'm sorry. Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. I heard that once from a talking inspirational poster for blind people. HOST Alright. Okay. Good for you, Nikole. NIKOLE Aren't you going to recognize that I'm very honest and that means I deserve to win? I mean come on! HOST No. Dude. Willy Joe made it very clear that, "the only time he fucks a bitch on wheels is when he's doing 85 in his T-bird." (Ain't See No Crosswalk Cus I Was Lookin' At Titties. (Geffen, 2002.)) NIKOLE Aww man! Fuck that inspirational poster! She wheels over next to the other two contestants in wheelchairs. HOST Sorry about that. Anyways, we have to find a winner before this Starbucks closes, which is in like 10 minutes. Fuck, seriously? Oh, it's Thursday. Wait, Thursday? I gotta get home and Skype with my stepdad in Winston Salem. Okay, the winner is...Safron! Safron, you promise you're not somehow in a wheelchair? SAFRON Does the Pope shit on Tiger Woods? HOST Only on Easter. SAFRON Well then yes, I am in a wheelchair. She lifts up her fluffy dress to reveal that she too is in a wheelchair. Well, two smaller wheelchairs. Well, roller skates.

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She roller skates out of the room. HOST Veronika, you're the closest one to me - are you in a wheelchair? VERONIKA Not...physically. But mentally, yes, a wheelchair called Celexa that I take to treat the parapalegia of the mind called depression. Judges? Angle on: three old bald men who look like your UNCLE SIDNEY sitting behind a table. These are The Judges. The judges confer with each other, then hold up three signs that all have PICTURES OF WHEELCHAIRS on them. HOST Damn, looks like that counts. Okay, raise your hand if you are eligible to win this competition. Nobody raises their hand. HOST Well what are you all doing here then? LYDIA Do you all mind if I speak for the group? Everyone nods soberly. LYDIA We are here because we were all on a reality TV show where we dressed up our children in strange clothing and subject them to judgment that is wildly inappropriate and emotionally scarring for children. But I would say that judging us for doing so only makes you as guilty as we are. As the Rev. Dr. Deepak Chopra once said, let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone. They all look into the camera, at TV screen, out at the viewer. HOST

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INT. REAL LIFE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Now we're in the living room where a MAN and a WOMAN are watching this on TV. WOMAN Oh man. We're probably right to want to judge these people, right? MAN Yeah, they clearly need to be judged. But apparently we're not allowed to judge them unless we've never done anything wrong, though. Have you ever done anything wrong? WOMAN Yeah, I think so. I stole three beers from a gas station today. Have you ever done anything wrong? MAN Yeah, I stole three beers out of the refrigerator and used them to make my famous beer-flavored gumdrops. WOMAN Is that what you were doing in the bathroom for so long? MAN Yeah. And shaving my chest hair into the Wu-Tang logo. Seriously? MAN Yeah, look. He lifts up his shirt. It's a Batman logo. WOMAN That's a Batman logo. MAN Eh. I also like Batman, I'll just say I meant to do that. He puts his shirt down. WOMAN Well it definitely seems like these people need to be judged. And we WOMAN

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can't do it because we've committed relatively minor sins! Do you know anyone who is without sin who could do it for us? MAN Yeah, I think I do. Who? MAN My friend Jesus Christ. Jesus? Jesus walks in from the other room. JESUS (like a Jazz guy) Yo bros. What's the happs, chaps? How's it hanging, Marlon Wayons? What's good, Robin Hood? What's shakin,' Kevin Bacon? Where's the party, Jean-Paul Sarty? What's the score, you smelly whore?... MAN Wait! Did you just call her a smelly whore? WOMAN (affronted) Jesus! JESUS Oh shit! Yeah, I mean...I was just kidding!...It slipped out...I was just riffing...I would never... He evaporates into a pile of sand that a MAINTENANCE MAN brushes into a dustpan and takes away. MAN Welp. Jesus finally sinned. WOMAN Who's going to throw stones at these people then? COWBOY-ISH VOICE (O.S.) That'll be me. Reverse angle: we see a SHADOWY FIGURE smoking a cigarette against a wall. WOMAN

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The figure flicks its cigarette and steps into the light. It tips up it's cowboy hat to reveal a FACE THAT'S MADE OUT OF A VIDEO SCREEN with porn playing on it. The porn goes static and becomes an internet comedy video. The comedy video becomes a news report from Afghanistan. More video plays - you get the idea. THE INTERNET I'm the internet. WOMAN Finally! The proper receptacle for our hatred of these awful people! THE INTERNET You watching Toddlers & Tiaras? Boy, what a bunch of shitheads, right? MAN Oh yeah, totally. These people made their kid walk on a treadmill and she was only like, what, 6? WOMAN Yeah, she was only like 6! MAN Can you believe there are people like that? THE INTERNET No, I can't believe it. Who raised these people, am I right? The Internet is clearly getting off on absorbing their complaints about this show. Moaning, breathing heavy, etc. WOMAN They're so, like, stupid, you know? MAN They put them in this house and get them all liquored up - of course they're gonna fight with each other! THE INTERNET It's so fucked up. What else makes you mad about this show? He starts rubbing his crotch with a pillow. MAN Well they draw everything out so

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they can show the most commercials and stuff, you like have to keep watching. WOMAN Yeah! Yeah, and they get paid all this money and of COURSE one of them is going to have a spin-off series or something. THE INTERNET That is soooo fucked up. WOMAN I mean, yeah, it's entertaining, but it's SOOOO stupid. THE INTERNET Uuugghhh that is so fucked up, just like really fucked up... MAN I mean what kind of example is this setting for kids? This kind of behavior makes you successful in life? Okay shit, they're closing this Starbucks, I have to unplug my computer. Hahah someone just came to the door and they had to tell him they were closed. It's like dude, they already put all the chairs up on the tables and shit. Do they do that at Starbucks? Haha I don't know, I'm actually writing this in my apartment. I really was in Starbucks earlier, though. The part where the host said "kick the tires and light the fires," I thought of that in the Starbucks. One of the guys working there looked exactly like a young Bill Pullman. Or was it Bill Paxton... The camera goes out the window of these peoples' BROOKLYN APARTMENT - we see it's a beautiful clear spring night. They say you can't see the stars in New York City, but on this night you certainly can OKAY FINE I'M LEAVING FUCK YOU DUDE see me putting my laptop cord in my bag? See me putting it in my bag? I know I'm typing with one hand, but I'm putng my lptop cord n m bag ith teh ohter hans Bye thnks fr reaing thj End,