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other new taxes that hardly anybody noticed, primarily by introducing new measures even more unpopular and thus giving everyone something worse to think about. At a press conference later in the day, the Prime Minister spoke briefly about the new taxes, saying, "The collapse of the static caravan and fast food industries is a small price to pay for the help we by which I mean you have been able to provide for the truly needy, such as Europe, banks and small countries crying out to be bombed. Gratified by the public's evident enthusiasm for handing the government all its money, the Treasury has now announced proposals to extend the scheme further because the money raised thus far has unfortunately vanished into what economists are describing as a "ruddy great fiscal black hole, the mechanics of which are too complicated to explain to ordinary people, or indeed to anyone. These new measures are designed to raise a further hundred billion pounds of spare cash nobody has a good use for. The funds will be politely jimmied from the tax payer's wallet and put to work for truly humanitarian purposes. The government hopes that once the public understands the nature of the help it is being forced to give, it won't complain too much. The new raft of humanitarian projects the government has in mind include aid to the shareholders of multinational corporations, aid to small countries ruined by idiots (Europe), drug companies still reeling from the disaster of being sued for damages by their customers and re-floating the United States. Releasing details of the new fundraising measures themselves, the government is at pains to reassure the British people they are being announced purely for the purposes of consultation and gauging public opinion. No firm decision about them has yet been made, except the decision to bring them into force in 2014 when everyone is preoccupied with the disaster of the World Cup. The proposals include: Re-introduction of the popular Middle Ages tax on windows. A new tax on bricked-up windows. A new tax on the use of pavements by pedestrians (to be levied by the
introduction of pavement toll booths). A new tax on static cars to be levied by the payment of "on-the-spot fees at traffic lights and by roving usherettes on the M25. A tax on umbrellas, which will require the introduction of a new Ministry of Umbrella Licensing and the provision of twenty thousand jobs for those laid off in the collapse of the fast food and static caravan industries. A so-called "Sock Tax (tax on socks). A tax on cats (whether static or mobile). Excludes Fat Cats. The introduction of a so-called Swear Box for the entertainment industry whereby the makers of television and film will be charged 10 every time someone uses the "f word. This measure alone is expected to raise a hundred billion pounds per annum. Several other revenue-raising measures were proposed by the movement CYNICS (Can You Not Introduce Common Sense): The abolition of income tax and its replacement with a purchase tax so that people pay a fixed rate of tax only on what they spend. A "Political Fib tax, which is similar to the "Swear Box mentioned above but which instead obliges all politicians to pay a fine every time they tell a lie or withhold information. A tax on psychiatry. Under these proposals, a psychiatrist will have to pay a fixed fine every time he fails to make a patient well within five years or the patient dies (whichever is the sooner). The definition of "well would exclude those on psychiatric medications because someone on medication, including many politicians, can hardly be described as "well. It also excludes people who are dead.
However, a spokesman for the Treasury dismissed CYNIC's proposals as "preposterous. A spokesman for CYNICS dismissed the Treasury as preposterous. In tomorrow' s issue of the Dissembler: National debt to reach 1.4 trillion by 2014. Government denies failure of its austerity measures as the benefits are not expected to be felt until 2030 when most of us will be dead or on medication.
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